I appreciate the things that you said. I live alone, and those of us who do, still have to perform every single task a couple days. The difference is, we do it all. We do the Shopping. We do the cooking. We do the cleaning. And we do it all alone. There isn’t anyone to give us that break. There isn’t anyone to help us out or to have a meal ready when we get home from work. I tried to talk to my Cats about helping out now and again but they’re cats.
What about scheduling time out just for you? Plan through the week to have a day where you've already cooked meals the day before, you've already done the laundry and put it away, and maybe you've even saved up some money over the last few days/weeks/months to treat yourself to a trip to somewhere special. If you want to stay in - stay in! Make a great day out of doing things that make you happy. If you want to go out - go out! Call a friend, meet up with a family member or whatever makes you feel refreshed. If you know your day off is coming, it makes you look forward to it and if you've already done what needs to be done beforehand, just enjoy it. Most things won't suffer for being moved a day before or a day after their normal time.
I had a poltergeist in my home. While he would spoon me, he refused to pay his share of the rent. I told him he better at least fold and put the laundry away or he's outta there! 😆
I’ve been waiting for you all day! The paint job is lovely, but I would choose all white walls. My husband and I work together. He empties the the dishwasher and I load it. We cook together. Easy meals into the oven or onto the grill. Retirement helps! 💙
I randomly found this video and as a therapist, I’m in such awe of your emotional intelligence , wisdom, and self awareness/regulation skills. Genuinely thank you for reminding me to be gentle to myself and my partner and to take more self care time. I wish you and your wife happiness and good health!
@Savanners - I know, isn't he amazing?? :-D. Such a gentle soul, and it boggles my mind at the *staggering* amount of cleaning that he does at each home. FOR FREE!!! And, somehow, it doesn't overwhelm him!!
Im halfway thru the vid and was literally about to comment on his emotional intelligence. My heart swells with gratitude just to know people like Mack exist!
My ex worked and I stayed at home with our four sons. I did 100% of the cleaning, laundry, cooking, renovations to our home, and childcare. He never once even got up at night with any of our kids even if they were sick as he needed 'to work.' He viewed his eight hours as the real work and frequently told me in front of our sons that I did nothing. He came home and laid in bed from dinner time until bedtime. He never took our sons to their sports or doctors appointments, for that matter he rarely even left the house. He just stayed at home and complained. I had to cook every single meal every one of us ate for over twenty years to 'save him money' yet he would go out to restaurants on his own and never take us out to eat. Ever. As you pointed out, everyone needs a break. And everyone needs to take account of what their partner does. You make such an important point that in order to have a happy marriage you must have empathy. If you cant even have empathy for your partner/children then something is really wrong.
I'm sorry. You had 5 children in that household! He was selfish and toxic. Stories like this make me glad I'm single and that I've said no to unfair expectations, domineering and sexist behavior and toxic attitudes very early when I'm getting to know someone. Take good care of yourself.
As a house wife without kids, Thank you! So many times people have actually asked me, TO MY FACE, what I do all day. I do so many things. When we lived in the house, I kept the house, did the yard work, ran all the errands, kept the vegetable garden and did most of the repairs around the house too. Now my husband has never begrudged me this. He likes that when he gets home from work, we both have free time. Now we live in a converted school bus traveling the country and he works remotely. We do a lot more chore sharing in the bus but I still do the majority of the house work and errands and home maintenance. And that’s okay. He funds our life. We both have time to see things and work on our art hobbies too. He sees what I do daily, he knows my value. It’s the people who assume that keeping the house is a cooshy gig. Like we sit on our butts and eat bonbons all day while the fairy’s do all the work. Ugh.
My situation was the same and it worked well for us. When someone asked what I do all day, I would stare at them for a few seconds and then say "About what? ". That usually shut them up
I have the same problem. I have 4 kids and the second people hear that the youngest will be in school next year they ask what I'm going to do with all my time, I "won't know myself" and what work I'll pick up. I still have to clean everything, exercise the dogs, run all my husband's errands, shop, cook and then spend the afternoons and nights taking people to their activities, playing with my husband and getting ready for tomorrow. It's not easy being a kept woman but it's better than the alternative.
@noth9617 - I disagree. The alternative of being single is GREAT for me. No one I've dated really cared about me and qualified to be a husband and father. Maybe you're luckier than I am in who you've met. Being single because I won't compromise what I deserve in respect and in the mutual valuing of my goals and interests is a MUCH BETTER alternative.
My husband came home when our now 27 year old was about 6 months old and commented that it looked like our son had outgrown his toys. When I asked him why he thought that, he said it was because there weren't any toys on the living room floor. It never occurred to him that I picked them up just before he came home. It didn't hit me until you said it that the person outside the home sees the results of the work of the person in the home, not necessarily the work itself. Yes, just that. P.S. No, definitely not boring - it's the give and take of a partnership.
Oh yes like the magic washing basket, the magic fridge and magic cook, the magic cleaner, magic gardener, etc yup mine now is a EX and less work for me 🐨😉
Omg I could talk for hour on this subject, I would love to show my ex this video because then he might understand why I was the way i was !! I was just lazy according to him but the house and 4 kids we’re always clean and tidy
This is so helpful. As a single person, I've got to do double duty with a disability. Then I get upset with myself bc my living space isn't tidy. This was a good reminder to have empathy for myself 💜
My husband has major mobility issues. When I worry about the mess he tells me "Don't worry, it will get messy again." No condemning, just let me know it is okay. I may not be fast and always something to be done but being unkind or unhappy with oneself will never help out.
I just can't get going tho it all makes me feel sooo bad..but I am frozen..looking at all that needs to be done..and alone😢..it's terribly frustrating and overwhelming..with multiple barriers to it, and feel successful and good. Makes me feel dumb and feel like a failure. Just stuck....it sucks because I WANT to be successful and feel good.
I wish more people thought like this. My ex-husband literally expected me to do everything. He even said since, he worked, so he didn't have to do anything or help. It didn't matter if I was sick, anxious or depressed. I couldn’t even eat with him because he would expect me to fix everyone's plates and then when I tried to eat, I had to get up again to give him more. I want to show my daughter this video just so she can hear you talk about how you and your partner should be empathic to each other.
If nothing else, Ihope your daughter learned not to date a man that thinks women are slaves. You had to fix HIS plate?!?!?! I'm from the Deep South and just had an "oh h e l l no!" Moment. Glad you are no longer dealing with that! My now-ex husband and I stood in the kitchen together helping the kids with their plates, then we fixed ours and went to the dining room table together.
I just love how self-aware you are. A lot of people don’t make the effort to learn their strengths and weaknesses and then work to become the person they want to be. You really are amazing, Mr. Fofana!
You helped me today to do more by listening to your gentle, caring, accepting attitude. It helped enormously to lift the stress and self judgement I put upon myself and I now I feel so happy after my achievements despite a difficult day. It was a very powerful video. Thank you so much. From Ireland.
Oh, man did this hit home! I was a "Stay at home Mom" with three kids, one of them severely autistic. My Ex-husband ran a business, and he ran around on me...had NO appreciation of what I did all day. Told me I had a cushy life. ONE time, I asked him to get up to feed the baby in the middle of the night, and he said "No! I have to WORK tomorrow!" and I said, "Lucky YOU! I WAKE UP AT WORK!" Eventually I realized that it was abuse and the rest is history. Thank you for this video, I wish I could have made him watch it back in the early 2000s.
Yep, I remember bathing my toddler son right after I had knee surgery. I still had the pressure bandage on and could hardly bend it but I was sitting on the bathroom floor and bathing my son while my ex-husband sat on the couch watching t.v. He had no empathy. If I didn't do it,, the children would not get bathed. I am now remarried and my husband will jump in quickly when he sees I'm overwhelmed or under the weather. Now THIS is how true relationships should be. I do the same for him.
I never saw it that way. That the one staying at home also needs a break here and there. And that the only wish someone would have, is to be left alone. But it is so true.
My husband decided a couple of years ago that laundry on Sunday is his job. I hate doing laundry so I never got why he would want to do it, but now I understand. He made this calculation you’re laying out here! To him, it’s just “I’m using my computer and every 45 minutes an alarm goes off and I rotate the laundry” - it’s such a neutral thing for him and such a relief for me every Sunday :)
@@fairlind i love to move around and sit in front of my computer but laundry is just golden. that and vacuuming tho i despise the sound. why is it so loud?????
@@AlexisTwoLastNames Because when some company came out with silent vacuum cleaners in the 60’s or 70’s, people weren’t impressed and didn’t buy it, because they believed it must not work too well. True story. But I just googled silent vacuum cleaner, and apparently some models are now available. I may look into getting one too. As far as doing laundry goes, I stand corrected. :)
Enjoy watching your energy and listening. Whether serious or doing your spin kicks. Specially seeing you and your son enjoy one another. ♥️👍♥️ Slow here, how to reboot the brain?
dude those breaks between the speech is something i didn't know i needed in youtube videos... at first i was like this is going to be a desk set-up video and a guy going on a rant about how he deserves a new desk set-up becuase of how hard he's been working you know the usual highspeed rant we all gotten used to on youtube, high emotions fast pace speech exagareted everything from tone reactions
I’ve never exactly had a hero, someone to look up to and the only father figure I have is my exes dad and even that gets to me sometimes. But it’s 3:46 in the morning and I’ve been looking for answers in these motivational, self help, encouragement videos and nothing but I never thought I’d find inspiration in some guy cleaning so from the bottom of my heart I want to thank you for helping me find some clarity.
I love your videos! I have to say the combination of the video ( showing you spruce up your space) and the audio narration made it quite possibly my favourite one yet! You are pretty amazing Banana Fana Foe! Keep up the great work.
It's refreshing to see that even someone who has a cleaning business, someone that I would assume would have their house immaculate all of the time, in fact has messes too. Makes me feel less judging of myself
You have shared several of your art pieces previously and so I was so happy to get the opportunity to see you creating. As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist it's a delight to hear you share with such a large group of people quality information about healthy relationships, communication and empathetic comprises. You continue to be such a delight.
I’m also from the Midwest, and the family/household dynamic is exactly like you described. My parents have fought for years and years over who does more for the house and it’s so debilitating as a child hearing your parents argue over something that neither of them choose to fully understand what the other spouse does in a day, week or month. And, as a man I’m very glad to hear that you took the internal steps and responsibility to understand what your wife did to provide. It is quite rare to see the man of the house understand what a mother/wife does and appreciates that.
Same here. They argued forever but never sat down to do a simple time/energy accounting nor were open about tasks that they disliked or were too much for them 🤦🏽♀️
Well, Banana Fanana Fo Fanana…you are also a counselor. Such insight and awareness was wonderful to hear. We have been taking time one cabinet/drawer/area at a time and are cleaning, throwing out trash, making donations, and are getting a roll away dumpster next week. This purge is so rewarding to me and makes me so happy. It’s time for attic stuff to go, old wood scraps, etc. You are motivating!
Wow what a great video! I’m 68 and a widow now but boy I loved what you said. I was lucky to be able to stay home with my kids and be a homemaker. I did everything and my home was always clean. Paid the bills, handled investing, garden, home maintenance, cooking ,cleaning, shopping, laundry, social planning and entertaining,driving kids to schools, field trips, volunteering. But society doesn’t respect a homemaker. My husbands attitude was I make the money so I don’t have to do anything else. It can be hard as you said when things aren’t equal but people assume that because you are a stay at home mom you have it easy. Don’t get me wrong, there’s some pretty lazy stay at home homemakers who make the rest of us look bad. And some lazy spouses who work outside the home. Your a wise man.
Glad to hear a male say this , I worked 38 hours a week, raised 2 kids one autistic and did all the housework and the outside maintenance. EX husband worked 10 hours days, came home ,tapped out and did nothing else , hence EX 🥰🐨 was pretty much doing ist on my own, I just didn’t have the emotional energy to deal with him anymore, his selfishness, lack of empathy and neediness’s.
My dad worked from before we woke up until after we went to bed...And that was it. My mom did literally everything else for 4 kids for 15 years. When she divorced my dad he got 50% custody. Even though she got a full time job AND went back to school, she suddenly had so much free time she barely knew what to do with herself. She lost it a little. One time right after we started spending weeks at my dad's Icame over to pickup something I left at her house. She was just crying in the kitchen holding a book but not reading it. She told me she hadn't read a book for fun since her first baby (me) was an infant.
Looks like us gals _really can_ have it all! 🙄 Same, when I decided to leave my first husband it was because I realized that living alone would be an immense relief. The thought of being able to come home to the same space I spent hours cleaning every night, the thought that my work wouldn’t just be undone by someone who was horrible to me anyways- like just the idea of it was so intoxicating to me. We had 2 kids under 5 and he left nails pointy side up, when he ripped up the carpet, he pulled the toilet out of the floor in February (he worked evenings, but refused to watch the kids [“babysit” he called it] so I had to drive them to the babysitter before work at 9am and I picked them up after work at 7, he would work 5 to 11, he slept all day and spent an hour before work dicking off, cooking JUST himself food, often eating the only food I had that was for the kids, and leaving dishes everywhere, he left trash all over the place, and eventually during a renovation he decided that instead of letting pros do it, he was going to tear out plaster walls and get dust all over everything and leave literal POWER SAWS on our 2 year old’s clean pillow, every day I came home to everything I had done being undone and a new layer of literal filth and danger on every surface) he was so cruel to me when he got home and I can’t believe I ever let anyone think they had the right to treat me the way he treated me. Sometimes I recall things he has said to me and I know for a FACT I would wreck somebody if they tried to talk to me like that now. I just wonder how, in my 19 years of life, I hadn’t yet learned how to say, “HEY, MATT!! SUCK IT!!” This is why I don’t trust older ppl who date young women. We don’t know how to demand respect yet, at least I didn’t.
@@aawillmait’s so messed up that that is the standard expectation for moms vs dads. Being a good mom means that you suffer, being a good dad just means that you didn’t cause (much) suffering.
In England they did a telly programme where they put cameras in a family's house for a period of time, this was because each member of the household thought they did everything and everyone else did the bare mi imum, then they had some kind of therapy exercises or something - it was really good, because it proved how much each person actually really DID do.
My husband and I never had that conversation....we never, ever said "you're not doing your part" we didn't have any arguments over that, he appreciated what I did and I appreciated what he did. He passed away a year ago and I am now finding that he did a lot that I have to do now...He was the one who went out to work (after we had kids) I was the one who stayed home....he never, ever vacuumed and never did laundry but he would help me move furniture when I would do an extended vacuum. He did the recycle, cut the lawn and walked the dog when we didn't go out and walk together...Now is more difficult, before was pretty easy....
I just found your channel and this video had me on the verge of tears. My husband and I moved into our home in 2010 in a rural town. Our house was built in 1920 and has been renovated a few times, which has made keeping this house functional a challenge. Right now, he's half way across the country for work, so it's just me and our 3 senior cats, but I still have to clean up the mess my husband left behind. With everything he does, he makes a giant mess, and he doesn't always clean up after himself. The situation has been made so much harder by my mental health issues. A year ago, I was formally diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and insomnia. I have to work full time to pay the bills, and my job is about about 1000 times more stressful than it needs to be, but it's out of my hands to make it better. When I'm done with work each day, all I want to do is go to bed. As a result, my home is a disaster. Trying to work on my home despite my mental health has been a constant battle. I hate clutter, and I hate having a messy home. It just makes my anxiety worse, but toss depression in there and it just becomes a vicious feedback loop. I need to learn to be kind to myself when it's at its worst, and you reminded me of that. And now I really am crying. Thank you for this video. And thank you for being such a great example of how a good partner should take into consideration how the other might be feeling about things.
What is your husband doing aside from working? I think it’s time for you to make that list, even if you have to do it by yourself. You’re depressed for a reason, it’s not just who you are.
This was anything but boring! Thank you so much for this! You motivate me all the time to do more and be a better wife! I’ve had a couple of hard years with breast cancer and being in the hospital with an infection. I will tell you I haven’t got my full strength back from all that and you really find out who loves you when you are that sick. My husband is so wonderful to me and has been my best friend for 46 years! I’m so thankful for everything he does( which is a lot) and he just retired so we have plenty of time for each other! Thank you so much for this video! I hope I didn’t ramble on to much about myself. I’m selfish like that they call me ole selfish Sal in Seattle! 🤣
I'm disabled and this hit hard, on how as a couple, equity and not equality can be what makes a relationship. My husband is my caregiver and works 40hours a week. I do all I can, but you know, it never feels enough. So we just listened to the video together. And had a conversation about it. And apparently, in doing much more than I thought, and sometimes that's what annoys him 😅😅.
@@_Julie_BeeI'm also disabled with my partner as caregiver. Equity is SO important! Each person contributes what they have the capacity to contribute, and we work with it in order to have a functional household. Same goes for finances too. Equity over equality 👌
Thank you for talking about real life. I tested positive today for COVID-19 and being 73, homebound, and getting home care help, I am in a bad place right now, but watching and listening to you has calmed me down. I could not figure out how I got this when I only went out to the doctor. I found out it was my favorite aide I have two days a week. I don't want her to feel bad, I want her to get better and resume the wonderful relationship we share. I adopted her as my granddaughter because I have no family, left. I would feel awful and lonely if she was not around. Enough of my yacking, I wanted to tell you how much I enjoy you. You won my heart from Ma., Yankee territory.
I needed to hear this. Thank you for taking a chance on a “boring” video. (I didn’t find it boring at all). My husband works HVAC and I work part-time and the rest of the time stay at home with our 2 year old and keep the house up. He’s a wonderful hands on dad when he’s home and a very hard worker outside of the house. It’s still tough sometimes when I do the cleaning and cooking. Especially with a toddler, the cleaning is a never-ending job. 😂 However, I need to have a lot more grace with my husband. Just because he doesn’t clean or cook much doesn’t mean he doesn’t do a ton of work. I just don’t physically see that work being done. Good reminder and I appreciate it.
Thanks for addressing things like ADD, depression, and other neurological and psychological issues. Those things can make life so hard. You could be sitting there, looking at a bag of garbage that really needs to be taken out, but all you can think of is how tired you are and how you want nothing more than to go cry in the corner for an hour because all you've done are banal, mind numbing tasks at work and you have yet more hours of work in the home to get done but you can't. I've been fighting the clutter monster but it's been one heck of a fight. I can't even seem to get this stupid garbage out!!
Don't beat yourself up. One second at a time. Recharge your batteries and then you can do the chores a little bit, one by one. Set a timer if it helps, play music, find ways to reward yourself with each small step.
@@marvin2678 Depression is a mess, for sure, and I'm not sure how neurological it is as opposed to something like ADD. Depression can affect the function of the brain by blocking feel-good receptors and causing things to not work the way they should, making the brain have a low capacity for feeling the good feelings. ADD and autism are more along the lines of neurological disruptions.
@@marvin2678in my case it is, I have dysautonomia which took years for medical professionals to figure out, essentially bad nervous system wiring , that makes some days a struggle to be “normal,” which depressing me simply due to the amount of energy to do what others can just naturally do in a tenth the time. So, yeah, if can be depressing from a neurological POV.
Everything that he said in this video hit home in so many ways. I am 21 years old and was born with kidney failure. I have been on dialysis for 7 years, and for the last 3, I have been a stay at home dude who takes care of our house and animals. My mom and brother both work hard every day while I stay home. I used to think it was lazy, but in reality, I do keep our house in order. It might not seem like a lot, but it can be at times. Always do your best to see from someone else's perspective. It might just change your view on life.
Working is a given. If you didn't work you would starve, cold and homeless. Plus the country would run down, no street lights, no facilities. Having a spouse at home cooking and cleaning for you is a blessing. I have to work, cook and clean "to oblivion" as you put it...but its just day to day stuff
Completely understood. Nothing is more satisfying to me than seeing my house clean and organised. Everything in it's place and polished to a shine, knowing I did that. For me it's a way of relaxing my mind and rebooting.
I appreciate your thoughts on this so much! I’m a stay at home mom with special needs kids and my husband works long hours. We’re always renegotiating what we each do and trying to help make the other’s life easier.
This was a whole therapy session for me. I started my day with this and very much needed it, maybe I won’t be such a turd today when something inevitably frustrates me. I’m a stay at home mom of 6/ wife and my husband works out of state….. I love your energy and the empathy you show towards your wife as well as the people you clean for.
As I was watching this, it reminded me of myself when I was an administrative assistant. When you work cleaning and decluttering someone else's home, you're being OBJECTIVE. You can see the bigger picture. It's not your stuff. Just toss it in a big black trash bag. But when you're in your own home it becomes very SUBJECTIVE, as in I better not throw this away, just stack it neatly. I could organize my boss's life and papers, but my own home was a wreck. Great video!
This was great and so well said. All the hetero relationships I know are the woman doing all the housework and child related tasks yet both partners are working. It's a large reason why I stay single. It's nice to know there are some relationships and some men who work differently and more equally ❤
My partner and I both work full-time, but where I work 7 hours a day, he works 8 hours a day, and he also has to travel to work while I work from home. We've worked out a method that divides the labour very fairly - I cook and wash the dishes every weekday, and I sort out all the laundry, but he does the deep-cleaning of the bathroom and helps with cooking and dishes on the weekends. This leaves both of us with a similar amount of free time, which is great! He's always been fully on board with understanding that all the labour should be divided equally, including paid and unpaid work.
I remember a time when I was really sick. My husband took the day off to deal with the children and their meals etc. He flopped down on the bed and said how do you do this everyday?!! 😂😂 but ...he was also trying to do clean and do laundry when all I needed was for him to keep the kids happy and fed lol He was a good man. He worked very hard for our family.💗💗
I love your thinking about working outside the house and in the household. 😍❤ Last week my mother (74) had a critical 4-hours-operation. Yesterday she got home and I did 5 hours household and cooking for her. In Berlin it was almost 30 degrees but I had to stay in the kitchen, doing the laundrie, bring her to the toilet, bring her water and tea and listen to her when she had pain and watching the clock, so she took her meds in time. I almost cried because she had a stroke for 5 years and I was the only child who cares, but we are 4 siblings. And now I find myself in the same situation, 5 years older and still working fulltime in my job. Saturday and sunday I have free time, no problem to care about my mother. But I work from monday to friday and I wish to have more support from the government. 😢
Very sound and practicle advice. I hope lots of people hear this message. I taught for 36 years. Lots of people tend to think teachers have it easy and get breaks and stuff. The one good thing about Covid I think, a lot of people realized how much work a teacher does put in. 😳 Thanks for the video.
This was not boring at all. You are so young and wise. You are a lovely man. Your family is blessed and lovely. If all people thought like you it would be a better world. Thanks for all that. BTW you make painting look so easy.
I very recently, as in the last 2 weeks, did the exact same thing with my room. I repainted all the baseboards and painted the doors a nice, bright white. I repainted a portion of the room's walls. I painted the window sills that same white. I rented a carpet shampooer to clean the carpet like crazy. Along with vacuuming, I rearranged everything, cable managed my workspace, planned out my bed to be in the best possible position in the room as well as my dresser, cleaned out my closet, etc. I 100% understand where you are coming from, and I love seeing the dogs happier, myself happier, and everything as clean and fresh as possible. I am now working on the entire house, following the same practices.
Your breakdown of the household is perfectly well put. My partner and i both work full time and by the time we get home we dont want to do anything. I think getting a cleaning service in might be a huge relief for our household even if its once a month.
I’d say definitely do it if you can afford it. Years ago we both worked full time yet I was expected to do everything. Cooking. Washing. Cleaning. Shopping. After a while I refused point blank to carry on so we went halves to pay a weekly cleaner. It made a massive difference. The arguing stopped. I still ended up doing the cooking and shopping etc mind you, but I wasn’t as resentful. In 25 years he cooked twice. Once was boiled eggs and he forgot he’d put them in a pan and they exploded. The smell and mess was horrendous 😮. The other time he burned sausage on toast.😂. At one point I got so fed up that he just dropped his dirty laundry on the floor and never even put it in the linen basket. I just kicked it under the bed. After a week he asked me why his jeans weren’t washed and hanging up. I told him all the laundry that had been put in the basket was done and put away. Any that wasn’t in the basket was kicked under the bed.😅. He needed the jeans for going out apparently. He wore dirty, unwashed jeans that night. All is laundry found it’s way into the basket after that 😂. It’s hard work when one person doesn’t pull their weight when you both work the same hours. 😮
I was abused physically for not doing enough housework or not doing the housework properly from my partner. I was expected to raise a newborn while being extremely sick after having him, sadly for him I left after 2 years of this and he went home to his mummy. Today I’m glad to say things are equally shared in this household. I appreciate your video’s and your wisdom.
The cats were saying, "watch out! Dad's cleaning again!" I love your discussion and the way you think. I think you are so right. The partnership does get wonky if you don't both work on it. I could watch you clean all day. You have helped me, tho, for real. I do a load of laundry every day, if I have enough, so it doesn't get out of hand. And I make sure my kitchen is clean before I go to bed. It makes such a difference!
every "I live alone" comment PLUS that's why remote work changed my life. I use the breaks to get up and do chores (I get to move my ass around, and chores get done) so at night I can actually relax.
I completely understand where you are coming from. My whole family is all kinds of neurodiverse. Complicate that with a multigenerational home and it’s a recipe for misunderstanding. We’ve had to navigate and setup ground rules. As you say we all need days off or space away. As a sole parent of an ADHD and ASD child I really love my down time. Living with my parents means my mother absolutely rules the kitchen. It’s her area. I help out in other ways doing the jobs she dislikes, like folding laundry. Bet your wife was super grateful to come home to clean and tidy house with all the chores done. And the bonus of the office all setup and looking fab. Gold star for you.
Excellent! I went through the same scenario when, after 5 years with an office job, I became a stay at home mom. After 15 years of that, I started my own cleaning business. It wasn’t until my husband pitched in with a few “prepare for market” cleanings that he began to appreciate how hard I work. One of the things I always pointed out during my time at home was how he was acknowledged for his efforts with a paycheck, sick days, raises and time off.
This is what companies pay a fortune for. Time management. They literally follow job categories around and time every task. In nursing, it’s a disaster because there’s no allowance for emergencies, which occur daily. Love your perspective that the home and jobs are shared responsibilities. And your freehand painting is awesome. I’m jealous.
My husband and I use our birthdays and our anniversary week to take those chill pills. We take off the week of our anniversary every year. Most years we don't even do anything or GO anywhere - we sit at home and do things separate from each other, occasionally doing something together because we have the time and want each other's company. But, we give each other that space to just be nothing and no one. The house gets messy during that time, sure, and the household trash gets a little filled with too much ordered food, of course, but it is so worth it. One week to just say screw the world and recharge. That is our biggest recharge time.
Thank you for this video. My husband use to ask me to give him five minutes before I could share how the day went. I was caring for my two small boys and my home. I missed adult conversation. He on the other hand only wanted to decompress from all people. Sharing life is hard. I always knew that sometimes we give more or take more. It's never 50/50. I just didn't know untill he told me. Communication and love the idea of writing it down.
I remember having this conversation with my husband when I was home with five kids ages five and under. One of my examples to him of how small tasks around the house can add up was trimming the kids' nails. I had five who were all too little to do their own nails at the time. It took me about an hour each week to do that one task. Over the course of one year that is 52 hours, basically a full work week worth of time just spent on trimming nails. Once he started working from home, he quickly figured out where all my time goes.
This is really solid advice from a grown man. I appreciate your thoughts. I just want to throw out child-rearing(pregnancy, nursing, care and feeding, school stuff) AND elder care which so typically falls on the at-home spouse because their time is more flexible. These things can be rough and demand a new accounting of who is doing what.
Laundry and dishes are two chores I don't mind doing at all. Like you, I hang, fold and put away everything as it comes out the dryer. Cleaning as throughly as you do does take a lot of time and effort. But as you observed, you're doing it for you. The end result is always so self satisfying and calming. Once again your voice overs make these videos very engaging. Think I'm going to go clean something.
Now another reason to not only watch but to listen. Your thoughts are greatly appreciated. Marriage is a partnership. Most people today don’t want to give and share… and thus divorce is always the answer. Life is not easy and its so nice to hear you appreciate your partner and understand her needs. I agree with you 100% we all need our hobbies. I am home full time now, retired and honestly I do not know how I had time to work full time + overtime for 35 years. Best wishes!
Tbh most marriages aren't a real partnership. Lots of men weaponize the finances of the family. While actively shaming the sahm they wanted, and still can't measure up with the working wife, which many women still do most of the housework. Divorce for women is healthy because partnership with immature grown men is just full of heartbreak, and being called emotional or fussy... 😐
I'm a stay at home Mama of four/wife. I really appreciate the empathy you show towards your wife and realize when she needs a break. I literally do EVERYTHING in our household, even the yard work. I "work" from 5:30 AM when I wake up until 8:30 PM when everyone has had dinner and are getting settled in for the night. I do it 7 days a week, even on holidays, my birthday, anniversary, Mother's day, and when I'm sick. I have some help from my kids, but I try to not put so much on them when they are in school (oh! I homeschool my youngest three kids!) I am SO overwhelmed! I get very annoyed because I feel like all of my efforts go unnoticed. I say all of this to say, thank you for recognizing when your wife needs a break to reset. I LOVE your channel and your content! (Also, I have a 10 year old daughter with high functioning autism and the other two of my youngest kids has ADHD)
No wonder you are overwhelmed 😕 I hope this video gave you the courage to have an honest talk with your partner about this severe imbalance. And don't forget the mental load you are carrying for the whole family as well... Wishing you all the best!
That’s a lot! And please don’t feel like you have to put quotation marks around the word ‘work’. Mama that’s more than a full time job. You ARE working ❤
I like your shows. I am an older woman (67, divorced) with 3 dogs and a LOT of CATS. Nobody helps me. Some days, nothing gets done. Other days, the basics always get done. There are a few days when a LOT gets done. I have to differentiate between household chores, and yard work (weather-permitting on the yard work, we live in Tornado Alley). Watching your shows gives me "extra incentive" to "not give up" on the days when I feel depressed or disgusted. Thank You for All You Do, and for sharing it with the rest of us.
Thank you for talking about this. A lot of people will undervalue each other for decades, and grow to resent each other. What a waste to live your life like that. Many men only realise the issues once their wives have left them - to put it bluntly.
I was that person started with an illness. I was very anemic and didn’t have the energy or oxygen. Two years later I’d been back to normal for a few months but was still just sitting. Your videos gave me the way back in. Do one countertop. Load the dishwasher. I still had a ways to go but I was getting there. Then my husband had a heart attack last month. He has a long recovery but so glad he’s still here. Now it’s all mine to do and I was just thinking that I wish I could just do nothing for a day. But I can’t because he’s not capable of taking up the slack. It’ll be ok in the long run. You are a wise man and I enjoy your videos!❤
I need to say your words hit home for me. I was diagnosed with MS and anxiety in 2021 and I have a son with ASD 1. We have two kids and I am a stay at home mom. I will admit my husband took on a bit during my dark depression summer of 2021 through 2022. I am slowly working my way back. It's small steps, but I am actively trying to put more on my plate and less on my husbands. I am thankful for him during this time, but I do know his plate is full.
Depression is very hard for people to understand. I just got out of a bad one. I realized my husband had been watering my plants for me the whole time! your situation is much harder. May you heal quickly.
This video is all kinds of wonderful. It could be a part of a pre-marital counseling program. If people even still do that. Or certainly a marital counseling program, or family counseling. I was both encouraged and convicted by your words, and I have been married nearly 37 years. I am learning so much from your channel. You are so kind and loving to realize that your wife needs time off, and to value what she contributes to the marriage and household.
Definite food for thought… I work 2 jobs and my husband is retired/disabled he does outdoor stuff like home repair, fence building, pool maintenance and other tasks that require engineering and construction duties… I do laundry, dishes, cooking, bill paying (my husband has a list of bills he covers), laundry etc…. I find laundry and cleaning relaxing… my husband does his laundry and my brother whom I care for does his laundry and his room… we rarely fight over these issues but we do have discussions about how we feel doing specific tasks… we at times go through these issues… I enjoyed hearing your thoughts…
Oh thank god someone actually recognises the issue with running a household! In the 50s, the person running the household usually only did that - now that person is also working full-time, cooking, cleaning, looking after children, washing, etc whilst the other person continues to just work full-time. Not much of an advancement for the person stuck with the household. Love watching you paint!
Not only do we get cleaning tips and lessons from you, we also get life lessons too. My husband and I have a relationship similar to the one people in your community have and finding a balance is always challenging. We knew from the beginning that one of us would have to be home to take care of the household while the other worked. We have a set general pattern, but it's otherwise a constantly refining process, especially with children in the picture. I also cannot stress enough the importance of hobbies either. Mine revolve around crochet and beauty, and because I value these creative outlets for myself, I've stubbornly resisted encouragement from well-meaning colleagues and friends to turn them into side hustles-particularly my crocheted creations. I'm sure there are people out there who would buy my crocheted toys and garments, but then the craft would lose the fun aspect and I wouldn't want to do it anymore.
Gotta say your narrative about relationship responsibilities was so good and so interesting I will just replay this video! My husband of 53 years always told me, as a stay at home mom of 3 boys, “You have it made”. He had/has no idea what it was like for me and I was supposed to feel sorry for him having to work. 😭😭😭 give me a break 🤦🏼♀️. Anyway, you make perfect sense! Thanks! Love your videos and always have Mr. Midwest Man. (From further north Midwest Lady). Hey, come organize my flippin basement storage room! 🤣
This is not boring at all! I think a lot of us need to hear this. I really enjoyed listening about how empathetic and supportive you are with your wife. I enjoy your videos and you are an amazing person for what you do. Thank you!!
1) Pearls of wisdom there, Banana. You're a marriage counselor in the making right now. 2) Love that you still have the simple, mechanical washer/dryer. So do I. A veteran repairman told me to keep mine for as long as possible, avoiding new electronic models at all cost. 3) What good kitty models you have!
I’m so glad this video was recommended to me it really opened my mind to how selfish I’ve been and how childish I’ve been with my lack of empathy for my girlfriend. We both still live at home but at planning to move in soon within the coming year or so and I find myself a lot constantly asking for more and more of her when in reality her plate is full majority of the time with work/taking care of her home I never sat back and really took a look at everything she does on a day to day V.S what I do on a day to day. My life’s pretty laid back I work come home do music, play video games smoke or drink and that’s pretty much it outside of chores like keeping my room/the main areas clean and cooking occasionally for my mom . I hadn’t realized that she has 3 cats and 2 dogs to look after all day on her off days and a mother that seems to never see how much work that is to maintain. It makes me feel bad that I was so selfish when I could’ve been doing more to help take that load off instead of adding more judgement thank you for opening my eyes ! 💯
My niece’s husband wants to be lazy because he works outdoors and she works in an office. I’m sorry, work is work, you are expending energy for someone else all day, it’s stressful, when she gets home she’d like to have someone wait on her too.
I have contacted our town's Public Schools, the department dealing with Health Curriculum. Next stop? Churches, Synagogues, Temples, Madjids - I'm serious about this being an amazing and vital tool for opening up discussions about each side adding value to the partnership. These days, divorce usually means a lot of expenses and a loss of day to day support. - and that goes for all relationships. If a person isn't able to hold together a relationship of their *choosing* then the ones with folks one has no choice over are not likely to be any better. I gave up on dating because I could not even begin this dialogue. I think starting a conversation with a cool video is a great way to do it -- before even the possibility of pregnancy or living together.
This is very much how my relationship is. I'm also currently in a situation with a person who is going through chemotherapy. They're also still maintaining a job. Due to that I've been doing more than I'd normally do to take stress away from my SO.
Man I'd love a day to just clean my whole house without a clingy toddler at my feet. Before he was born i had my cleaning routine down to where i could get everything done in 45-60 minutes with one major deep clean project a week. I love my kid, i also miss the days of cleaning to relax.
i dont know why but this has honestly been one of the best videos I have watched on this platform. this channel is not my type, the algorithm randomly recommended me this, I'm not gonna be fake and pretend like its my fav cos its genuinely not my genre of youtube but thank you for making this video, I didn't know I needed this
I loved hearing your comments about working together You are years ahead of most people understanding what a successful marriage is about. I was happily married to my husband for 50 years before he died. He was always ready to pitch in with the kids, housework whatever needed done without my asking. I always appreciated his help and did what I could to help him which was never as much as he did for me. He’s been gone two years and I still love him and think of him everyday. You and your wife are very blessed to have each other. I love your channel. I try to never miss a video you put out. I’m on a fixed income so I can’t join your subscription right now but I will in the future
I really loved this conversation-could have used this wisdom about relationships when I was young and married! And, as always, enjoyed watching you take care of business.
We have that same Midwest household dynamic, but I work part-time also. It stresses me out sometimes when I don't get it all done. It makes it hard to enjoy a hobby when there are things yet to do. It may stem from a childhood where you couldn't go out to play until your homework and chores were done. But I'll work on giving myself permission to take a break.😊
When I was married we both worked full time jobs. I did everything for him, our three children, the house, the cooking, laundry, etc., even for his son from a previous marriage. We went to one counseling appointment because he said I wasn’t paying enough attention to him. The counselor almost came out of her seat before she told him nicely he might try helping me more. We never went to a second appointment. My solution to the problem was a divorce lawyer. No regrets in that decision. Been alone longer than I ever was married and quite happy here in Missouri. I think you are a rarity when it comes to men cleaning.
This may be my absolute favorite video you've made. My partner and I have been together for 7 years and the thing that keeps us in love is having empathy for one another, caring for one another, and learning to care for ourselves too. Relationships are ever changing and so are you and your chosen person. Navigate with empathy and understanding with one another and it'll get you far! I found you putting into words a lot of what goes on in my own mind as well, so thank you!
I'm the one taking way to much and I honestly can't even begin to describe how much those words opened my eyes and kicked my butt!! I seriously think you should to a podcast talking about this sort of stuff. You just seem to say the right things and explain it in a way that is harsh but not at all harsh. This is the stuff that motivation is made of and what people who lack motivation NEED to hear!!! Thank you!!!
It wasn't boring at all! I was cleaning my kitchen and doing laundry with you. Except i have to hang my laundry to air dry. Sir you have valuable wisdom to share. Thank you for so eloquently sharing. Love from Grandma in Peru 🇵🇪
Love your studio, never seen someone so confident at painting that you didn't put a drop sheet down, RESPECT I would have splattered paint everywhere! And what you were saying is absolutely amazing as well. Thanks, Mr Midwest!
This is the BEST! This was me in my younger years. Have two boys and was able to stay home with them until they went to school. I had my routine and loved taking care of my house and family. I had hobbies of knitting, crocheting, and sewing for Christmas presents which I worked on all year. We had little money but I am glad I was home with my boys when they were so young. I then went to work and came home and did it all for years. My husband took up some slack with laundry when I went for groceries. We lived 45 minutes from a large grocery store. When my mother-in-law would take the boys for vacation with her for two weeks I would take vacation and clean my entire house! Top to bottom, shampoo rugs, wash windows and deep clean. My husband helped me move furniture. I would rearrange their bedrooms and go through and get rid of broken toys and reorganize their rooms. It would only take me about 5 days back then and I would return to work before they came home. I did no cooking during this time and we ate on the run. This gave me back my sanity before school would start up again and everyone was out of the house all day. My husband was a teacher and home in the summers. I ran the house like a well oiled machine. I was raised on a dairy farm and had household responsibilities, taking care of my brother and sister, working in the barn and then summer would come and it really got busy with field work. Awhile ago I decided I have had OCD forever. You would understand if you had seen my closets. I would put outfits together for everyone and they just need to open the closet and take down a hanger. If we were coming home for a visit for a weekend on Thursday night after work I would have the entire house cleaned, laundry done, and clothes packed to leave after work on Friday night. It was comforting to me to walk back into my house on Sunday night and just deal with unpacking and washing laundry from the weekend. I was like this until last year when I got a tick bite and was very sick with anaplasmosis. I haven’t been the same since and I miss the organized me. I also took care of my yard and painted outside and inside as needed. Last December I turned 73 and since June of 2022 I haven’t been the same. I enjoy your videos and get spirts of energy but not enough to suite me. Thank you for this video…I hope a lot of people see this and understand what it is like to have most of the work fall on you as a woman. Love your channel! Hugs from Pennsylvania.💕
As someone in a 2/3 long distance relationship this was a good reminder. We rarely see each other when we are pushing our hardest and working like crazy (so we can enjoy the time we have together). But it does have the effect of being a little hard on one another or unappreciative at times because we don't have any referrence point of what has been happening behind the scenes. This was a good clean and brain drain chat I enjoyed myself and feel like it reminded me of the things I need to not take for granted. :) Thanks!
I appreciate the things that you said. I live alone, and those of us who do, still have to perform every single task a couple days. The difference is, we do it all. We do the Shopping. We do the cooking. We do the cleaning. And we do it all alone. There isn’t anyone to give us that break. There isn’t anyone to help us out or to have a meal ready when we get home from work. I tried to talk to my Cats about helping out now and again but they’re cats.
Yeah my puppo doesn't get it. He NEVER does the dishes, puts his toys away OR helps with the groceries 😡!!!!!
What about scheduling time out just for you? Plan through the week to have a day where you've already cooked meals the day before, you've already done the laundry and put it away, and maybe you've even saved up some money over the last few days/weeks/months to treat yourself to a trip to somewhere special.
If you want to stay in - stay in! Make a great day out of doing things that make you happy. If you want to go out - go out! Call a friend, meet up with a family member or whatever makes you feel refreshed.
If you know your day off is coming, it makes you look forward to it and if you've already done what needs to be done beforehand, just enjoy it. Most things won't suffer for being moved a day before or a day after their normal time.
My cat has yet to wash a single dish. Sheeesh.
I had a poltergeist in my home. While he would spoon me, he refused to pay his share of the rent. I told him he better at least fold and put the laundry away or he's outta there! 😆
I’ve been waiting for you all day! The paint job is lovely, but I would choose all white walls. My husband and I work together. He empties the the dishwasher and I load it. We cook together. Easy meals into the oven or onto the grill. Retirement helps!
💙
I randomly found this video and as a therapist, I’m in such awe of your emotional intelligence , wisdom, and self awareness/regulation skills. Genuinely thank you for reminding me to be gentle to myself and my partner and to take more self care time. I wish you and your wife happiness and good health!
As another therapist, I second this entire comment 😂❤🎉🎉
@Savanners - I know, isn't he amazing?? :-D. Such a gentle soul, and it boggles my mind at the *staggering* amount of cleaning that he does at each home. FOR FREE!!! And, somehow, it doesn't overwhelm him!!
Im halfway thru the vid and was literally about to comment on his emotional intelligence. My heart swells with gratitude just to know people like Mack exist!
Really glad I found this video. I just had a very long discussion with my cat about the effort they’re putting in
My ex worked and I stayed at home with our four sons. I did 100% of the cleaning, laundry, cooking, renovations to our home, and childcare. He never once even got up at night with any of our kids even if they were sick as he needed 'to work.' He viewed his eight hours as the real work and frequently told me in front of our sons that I did nothing. He came home and laid in bed from dinner time until bedtime. He never took our sons to their sports or doctors appointments, for that matter he rarely even left the house. He just stayed at home and complained. I had to cook every single meal every one of us ate for over twenty years to 'save him money' yet he would go out to restaurants on his own and never take us out to eat. Ever. As you pointed out, everyone needs a break. And everyone needs to take account of what their partner does. You make such an important point that in order to have a happy marriage you must have empathy. If you cant even have empathy for your partner/children then something is really wrong.
I'm sorry. You had 5 children in that household!
He was selfish and toxic. Stories like this make me glad I'm single and that I've said no to unfair expectations, domineering and sexist behavior and toxic attitudes very early when I'm getting to know someone.
Take good care of yourself.
I’m glad he is your EX. Hope you are enjoying life now.
A typical man with NPD. I’m glad you’re free.
You married a psychopath, I can see why you left him.
Thank God you saw the light. Kudos.😊
As a house wife without kids, Thank you! So many times people have actually asked me, TO MY FACE, what I do all day. I do so many things. When we lived in the house, I kept the house, did the yard work, ran all the errands, kept the vegetable garden and did most of the repairs around the house too. Now my husband has never begrudged me this. He likes that when he gets home from work, we both have free time.
Now we live in a converted school bus traveling the country and he works remotely. We do a lot more chore sharing in the bus but I still do the majority of the house work and errands and home maintenance. And that’s okay. He funds our life. We both have time to see things and work on our art hobbies too. He sees what I do daily, he knows my value. It’s the people who assume that keeping the house is a cooshy gig. Like we sit on our butts and eat bonbons all day while the fairy’s do all the work. Ugh.
Exactly!
My situation was the same and it worked well for us. When someone asked what I do all day, I would stare at them for a few seconds and then say "About what? ". That usually shut them up
I have the same problem. I have 4 kids and the second people hear that the youngest will be in school next year they ask what I'm going to do with all my time, I "won't know myself" and what work I'll pick up. I still have to clean everything, exercise the dogs, run all my husband's errands, shop, cook and then spend the afternoons and nights taking people to their activities, playing with my husband and getting ready for tomorrow. It's not easy being a kept woman but it's better than the alternative.
@noth9617 - I disagree. The alternative of being single is GREAT for me. No one I've dated really cared about me and qualified to be a husband and father. Maybe you're luckier than I am in who you've met.
Being single because I won't compromise what I deserve in respect and in the mutual valuing of my goals and interests is a MUCH BETTER alternative.
@@user-rf3te8uf2d different strokes for different folks ☺️
My husband came home when our now 27 year old was about 6 months old and commented that it looked like our son had outgrown his toys. When I asked him why he thought that, he said it was because there weren't any toys on the living room floor. It never occurred to him that I picked them up just before he came home. It didn't hit me until you said it that the person outside the home sees the results of the work of the person in the home, not necessarily the work itself. Yes, just that. P.S. No, definitely not boring - it's the give and take of a partnership.
Housework is the only job that nobody notices unless it's NOT done.
Oh yes like the magic washing basket, the magic fridge and magic cook, the magic cleaner, magic gardener, etc yup mine now is a EX and less work for me 🐨😉
Omg I could talk for hour on this subject, I would love to show my ex this video because then he might understand why I was the way i was !! I was just lazy according to him but the house and 4 kids we’re always clean and tidy
This is so helpful. As a single person, I've got to do double duty with a disability. Then I get upset with myself bc my living space isn't tidy. This was a good reminder to have empathy for myself 💜
❤
My husband has major mobility issues. When I worry about the mess he tells me "Don't worry, it will get messy again." No condemning, just let me know it is okay. I may not be fast and always something to be done but being unkind or unhappy with oneself will never help out.
Same here! I get so upset with myself if I haven’t maintained a certain standard. I wish my brain wasn’t like that, but here we are…
Same for me. It's a crap shoot every morning what my body and mind will allow me to do for myself. You sir are a wise man!
I just can't get going tho it all makes me feel sooo bad..but I am frozen..looking at all that needs to be done..and alone😢..it's terribly frustrating and overwhelming..with multiple barriers to it, and feel successful and good. Makes me feel dumb and feel like a failure. Just stuck....it sucks because I WANT to be successful and feel good.
I wish more people thought like this. My ex-husband literally expected me to do everything. He even said since, he worked, so he didn't have to do anything or help. It didn't matter if I was sick, anxious or depressed. I couldn’t even eat with him because he would expect me to fix everyone's plates and then when I tried to eat, I had to get up again to give him more. I want to show my daughter this video just so she can hear you talk about how you and your partner should be empathic to each other.
If nothing else, Ihope your daughter learned not to date a man that thinks women are slaves. You had to fix HIS plate?!?!?! I'm from the Deep South and just had an "oh h e l l no!" Moment. Glad you are no longer dealing with that! My now-ex husband and I stood in the kitchen together helping the kids with their plates, then we fixed ours and went to the dining room table together.
My Dad had a rule, NOBODY got to eat until Ma sat down.
Glad he’s an Ex. Yikes.
Ex husband acting more like a dog than a man fr 💀
Why do all women seem to have this pathetic and disgusting persecution complex? You were a housewife correct?
I just love how self-aware you are. A lot of people don’t make the effort to learn their strengths and weaknesses and then work to become the person they want to be. You really are amazing, Mr. Fofana!
Yes, I love that about you too.
Self-aware and mentally mature 👍
Thanks for sharing! I love the painted room!❤❤😊😊
You helped me today to do more by listening to your gentle, caring, accepting attitude. It helped enormously to lift the stress and self judgement I put upon myself and I now I feel so happy after my achievements despite a difficult day. It was a very powerful video. Thank you so much. From Ireland.
Agree 100%!!!!!!
Oh, man did this hit home! I was a "Stay at home Mom" with three kids, one of them severely autistic. My Ex-husband ran a business, and he ran around on me...had NO appreciation of what I did all day. Told me I had a cushy life. ONE time, I asked him to get up to feed the baby in the middle of the night, and he said "No! I have to WORK tomorrow!" and I said, "Lucky YOU! I WAKE UP AT WORK!" Eventually I realized that it was abuse and the rest is history. Thank you for this video, I wish I could have made him watch it back in the early 2000s.
Yep, I remember bathing my toddler son right after I had knee surgery. I still had the pressure bandage on and could hardly bend it but I was sitting on the bathroom floor and bathing my son while my ex-husband sat on the couch watching t.v. He had no empathy. If I didn't do it,, the children would not get bathed. I am now remarried and my husband will jump in quickly when he sees I'm overwhelmed or under the weather. Now THIS is how true relationships should be. I do the same for him.
I'm physically disabled and keeping my house clean was very stressful for me. I have learned so many tips from you. Thank you for making these videos.
what do you have ?
I never saw it that way. That the one staying at home also needs a break here and there. And that the only wish someone would have, is to be left alone. But it is so true.
My husband decided a couple of years ago that laundry on Sunday is his job. I hate doing laundry so I never got why he would want to do it, but now I understand. He made this calculation you’re laying out here! To him, it’s just “I’m using my computer and every 45 minutes an alarm goes off and I rotate the laundry” - it’s such a neutral thing for him and such a relief for me every Sunday :)
@@laurac5451So… you end up doing the yard work? No, no, no. You gotta renegotiate that one.
i don’t understand how ppl hate laundry either. it’s so passive and at the end you get to hold warm and smellygood clothes lol
@@AlexisTwoLastNames That’s how I feel! It’s zen work. But maybe not for those who need to keep moving.
@@fairlind i love to move around and sit in front of my computer but laundry is just golden. that and vacuuming tho i despise the sound. why is it so loud?????
@@AlexisTwoLastNames Because when some company came out with silent vacuum cleaners in the 60’s or 70’s, people weren’t impressed and didn’t buy it, because they believed it must not work too well. True story. But I just googled silent vacuum cleaner, and apparently some models are now available. I may look into getting one too.
As far as doing laundry goes, I stand corrected. :)
You explained this all so well! Balance! Effort! Consistency! Communication!
Enjoy watching your energy and listening. Whether serious or doing your spin kicks. Specially seeing you and your son enjoy one another. ♥️👍♥️
Slow here, how to reboot the brain?
dude those breaks between the speech is something i didn't know i needed in youtube videos...
at first i was like this is going to be a desk set-up video and a guy going on a rant about how he deserves a new desk set-up becuase of how hard he's been working you know the usual highspeed rant we all gotten used to on youtube, high emotions fast pace speech exagareted everything from tone reactions
I’ve never exactly had a hero, someone to look up to and the only father figure I have is my exes dad and even that gets to me sometimes. But it’s 3:46 in the morning and I’ve been looking for answers in these motivational, self help, encouragement videos and nothing but I never thought I’d find inspiration in some guy cleaning so from the bottom of my heart I want to thank you for helping me find some clarity.
Dude. Your wisdom. I'm so glad "I'm part" of this thing you have going. You rock. That was awesome
He is pretty freaking awesome. ♥️
I’ve never seen anyone paint a room in such an artistic fashion. Great job!
or should you say "an autistic fashion"...get it...because- okay I'll stop.
I thought "wow he's so brave!" and it turned out nice, too!
I love your videos! I have to say the combination of the video ( showing you spruce up your space) and the audio narration made it quite possibly my favourite one yet! You are pretty amazing Banana Fana Foe! Keep up the great work.
It reminds me of the beach or a shoreline, very peaceful!
It was so relaxing
It's refreshing to see that even someone who has a cleaning business, someone that I would assume would have their house immaculate all of the time, in fact has messes too. Makes me feel less judging of myself
You have shared several of your art pieces previously and so I was so happy to get the opportunity to see you creating. As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist it's a delight to hear you share with such a large group of people quality information about healthy relationships, communication and empathetic comprises. You continue to be such a delight.
I’m also from the Midwest, and the family/household dynamic is exactly like you described. My parents have fought for years and years over who does more for the house and it’s so debilitating as a child hearing your parents argue over something that neither of them choose to fully understand what the other spouse does in a day, week or month. And, as a man I’m very glad to hear that you took the internal steps and responsibility to understand what your wife did to provide. It is quite rare to see the man of the house understand what a mother/wife does and appreciates that.
Same here. They argued forever but never sat down to do a simple time/energy accounting nor were open about tasks that they disliked or were too much for them 🤦🏽♀️
Well, Banana Fanana Fo Fanana…you are also a counselor. Such insight and awareness was wonderful to hear. We have been taking time one cabinet/drawer/area at a time and are cleaning, throwing out trash, making donations, and are getting a roll away dumpster next week. This purge is so rewarding to me and makes me so happy. It’s time for attic stuff to go, old wood scraps, etc. You are motivating!
I know! He motivated me to really scrub my bathrooms and clean out my closet and chest of drawers!
Thank you! I am newish to your space and enjoy your compassion towards others, truly a gift. You packed a lot of relationship wisdom into one video!
Wow what a great video! I’m 68 and a widow now but boy I loved what you said.
I was lucky to be able to stay home with my kids and be a homemaker. I did everything and my home was always clean.
Paid the bills, handled investing, garden, home maintenance, cooking ,cleaning, shopping, laundry,
social planning and entertaining,driving kids to schools, field trips, volunteering.
But society doesn’t respect a homemaker. My husbands attitude was I make the money so I don’t have to do anything else. It can be hard as you said when things aren’t equal but people assume that because you are a stay at home mom you have it easy. Don’t get me wrong, there’s some pretty lazy stay at home homemakers who make the rest of us look bad. And some lazy spouses who work outside the home. Your a wise man.
This is making me realise how exhausting a relationship is and made me appreciate how I’ve always been single and comfortable in that
Glad to hear a male say this , I worked 38 hours a week, raised 2 kids one autistic and did all the housework and the outside maintenance. EX husband worked 10 hours days, came home ,tapped out and did nothing else , hence EX 🥰🐨 was pretty much doing ist on my own, I just didn’t have the emotional energy to deal with him anymore, his selfishness, lack of empathy and neediness’s.
My dad worked from before we woke up until after we went to bed...And that was it. My mom did literally everything else for 4 kids for 15 years. When she divorced my dad he got 50% custody. Even though she got a full time job AND went back to school, she suddenly had so much free time she barely knew what to do with herself. She lost it a little. One time right after we started spending weeks at my dad's Icame over to pickup something I left at her house. She was just crying in the kitchen holding a book but not reading it. She told me she hadn't read a book for fun since her first baby (me) was an infant.
Wait, were we married to the same guy???
Looks like us gals _really can_ have it all! 🙄
Same, when I decided to leave my first husband it was because I realized that living alone would be an immense relief. The thought of being able to come home to the same space I spent hours cleaning every night, the thought that my work wouldn’t just be undone by someone who was horrible to me anyways- like just the idea of it was so intoxicating to me. We had 2 kids under 5 and he left nails pointy side up, when he ripped up the carpet, he pulled the toilet out of the floor in February (he worked evenings, but refused to watch the kids [“babysit” he called it] so I had to drive them to the babysitter before work at 9am and I picked them up after work at 7, he would work 5 to 11, he slept all day and spent an hour before work dicking off, cooking JUST himself food, often eating the only food I had that was for the kids, and leaving dishes everywhere, he left trash all over the place, and eventually during a renovation he decided that instead of letting pros do it, he was going to tear out plaster walls and get dust all over everything and leave literal POWER SAWS on our 2 year old’s clean pillow, every day I came home to everything I had done being undone and a new layer of literal filth and danger on every surface) he was so cruel to me when he got home and I can’t believe I ever let anyone think they had the right to treat me the way he treated me. Sometimes I recall things he has said to me and I know for a FACT I would wreck somebody if they tried to talk to me like that now. I just wonder how, in my 19 years of life, I hadn’t yet learned how to say, “HEY, MATT!! SUCK IT!!” This is why I don’t trust older ppl who date young women. We don’t know how to demand respect yet, at least I didn’t.
@@aawillmait’s so messed up that that is the standard expectation for moms vs dads. Being a good mom means that you suffer, being a good dad just means that you didn’t cause (much) suffering.
Omg, I can relate
In England they did a telly programme where they put cameras in a family's house for a period of time, this was because each member of the household thought they did everything and everyone else did the bare mi imum, then they had some kind of therapy exercises or something - it was really good, because it proved how much each person actually really DID do.
ooh what's the name of that show?
@@LiMaking i wish i could remember, it was years ago... at least 10yrs ago..
My husband and I never had that conversation....we never, ever said "you're not doing your part" we didn't have any arguments over that, he appreciated what I did and I appreciated what he did. He passed away a year ago and I am now finding that he did a lot that I have to do now...He was the one who went out to work (after we had kids) I was the one who stayed home....he never, ever vacuumed and never did laundry but he would help me move furniture when I would do an extended vacuum. He did the recycle, cut the lawn and walked the dog when we didn't go out and walk together...Now is more difficult, before was pretty easy....
I just found your channel and this video had me on the verge of tears. My husband and I moved into our home in 2010 in a rural town. Our house was built in 1920 and has been renovated a few times, which has made keeping this house functional a challenge. Right now, he's half way across the country for work, so it's just me and our 3 senior cats, but I still have to clean up the mess my husband left behind. With everything he does, he makes a giant mess, and he doesn't always clean up after himself. The situation has been made so much harder by my mental health issues. A year ago, I was formally diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and insomnia. I have to work full time to pay the bills, and my job is about about 1000 times more stressful than it needs to be, but it's out of my hands to make it better. When I'm done with work each day, all I want to do is go to bed. As a result, my home is a disaster. Trying to work on my home despite my mental health has been a constant battle. I hate clutter, and I hate having a messy home. It just makes my anxiety worse, but toss depression in there and it just becomes a vicious feedback loop. I need to learn to be kind to myself when it's at its worst, and you reminded me of that. And now I really am crying. Thank you for this video. And thank you for being such a great example of how a good partner should take into consideration how the other might be feeling about things.
May God bless you ❤
What is your husband doing aside from working? I think it’s time for you to make that list, even if you have to do it by yourself. You’re depressed for a reason, it’s not just who you are.
This was anything but boring! Thank you so much for this! You motivate me all the time to do more and be a better wife! I’ve had a couple of hard years with breast cancer and being in the hospital with an infection. I will tell you I haven’t got my full strength back from all that and you really find out who loves you when you are that sick. My husband is so wonderful to me and has been my best friend for 46 years! I’m so thankful for everything he does( which is a lot) and he just retired so we have plenty of time for each other! Thank you so much for this video! I hope I didn’t ramble on to much about myself. I’m selfish like that they call me ole selfish Sal in Seattle! 🤣
I'm disabled and this hit hard, on how as a couple, equity and not equality can be what makes a relationship. My husband is my caregiver and works 40hours a week. I do all I can, but you know, it never feels enough. So we just listened to the video together. And had a conversation about it. And apparently, in doing much more than I thought, and sometimes that's what annoys him 😅😅.
Glad you are doing better and that you have a loving husband
@@_Julie_BeeI'm also disabled with my partner as caregiver. Equity is SO important! Each person contributes what they have the capacity to contribute, and we work with it in order to have a functional household. Same goes for finances too. Equity over equality 👌
"ole selfish Sal"...that made me laugh! Love it
Sharing is NOT selfish, it's the exact opposite! I'll just say "Hi Sal, from a Louisiana gal 🐊⚜️🌊
Come for the cleaning, stay for the excellent relationship advice. It's appreciated!
Thank you for talking about real life. I tested positive today for COVID-19 and being 73, homebound, and getting home care help, I am in a bad place right now, but watching and listening to you has calmed me down. I could not figure out how I got this when I only went out to the doctor. I found out it was my favorite aide I have two days a week. I don't want her to feel bad, I want her to get better and resume the wonderful relationship we share. I adopted her as my granddaughter because I have no family, left. I would feel awful and lonely if she was not around. Enough of my yacking, I wanted to tell you how much I enjoy you. You won my heart from Ma., Yankee territory.
Hope you have recovered now!
I needed to hear this. Thank you for taking a chance on a “boring” video. (I didn’t find it boring at all).
My husband works HVAC and I work part-time and the rest of the time stay at home with our 2 year old and keep the house up. He’s a wonderful hands on dad when he’s home and a very hard worker outside of the house. It’s still tough sometimes when I do the cleaning and cooking. Especially with a toddler, the cleaning is a never-ending job. 😂 However, I need to have a lot more grace with my husband. Just because he doesn’t clean or cook much doesn’t mean he doesn’t do a ton of work. I just don’t physically see that work being done. Good reminder and I appreciate it.
Thanks for addressing things like ADD, depression, and other neurological and psychological issues. Those things can make life so hard. You could be sitting there, looking at a bag of garbage that really needs to be taken out, but all you can think of is how tired you are and how you want nothing more than to go cry in the corner for an hour because all you've done are banal, mind numbing tasks at work and you have yet more hours of work in the home to get done but you can't. I've been fighting the clutter monster but it's been one heck of a fight. I can't even seem to get this stupid garbage out!!
Don't beat yourself up. One second at a time. Recharge your batteries and then you can do the chores a little bit, one by one. Set a timer if it helps, play music, find ways to reward yourself with each small step.
depression is neurological ?
@@marvin2678 Depression is a mess, for sure, and I'm not sure how neurological it is as opposed to something like ADD. Depression can affect the function of the brain by blocking feel-good receptors and causing things to not work the way they should, making the brain have a low capacity for feeling the good feelings. ADD and autism are more along the lines of neurological disruptions.
@@marvin2678in my case it is, I have dysautonomia which took years for medical professionals to figure out, essentially bad nervous system wiring , that makes some days a struggle to be “normal,” which depressing me simply due to the amount of energy to do what others can just naturally do in a tenth the time. So, yeah, if can be depressing from a neurological POV.
Everything that he said in this video hit home in so many ways. I am 21 years old and was born with kidney failure. I have been on dialysis for 7 years, and for the last 3, I have been a stay at home dude who takes care of our house and animals. My mom and brother both work hard every day while I stay home. I used to think it was lazy, but in reality, I do keep our house in order. It might not seem like a lot, but it can be at times. Always do your best to see from someone else's perspective. It might just change your view on life.
:) Amazing words. Thank you!!!
You are a noble and brave person ! God bless you
Well done, your very much pulling your weight. Fantastic, you’re all working together. 🙏
Housekeeping is WORK sugar. You do very well I’m sure.
I clicked for the remodel, stayed for your thoughtfulness!
Working is a given. If you didn't work you would starve, cold and homeless. Plus the country would run down, no street lights, no facilities. Having a spouse at home cooking and cleaning for you is a blessing. I have to work, cook and clean "to oblivion" as you put it...but its just day to day stuff
Completely understood. Nothing is more satisfying to me than seeing my house clean and organised. Everything in it's place and polished to a shine, knowing I did that. For me it's a way of relaxing my mind and rebooting.
I appreciate your thoughts on this so much! I’m a stay at home mom with special needs kids and my husband works long hours. We’re always renegotiating what we each do and trying to help make the other’s life easier.
❤
This was a whole therapy session for me. I started my day with this and very much needed it, maybe I won’t be such a turd today when something inevitably frustrates me. I’m a stay at home mom of 6/ wife and my husband works out of state….. I love your energy and the empathy you show towards your wife as well as the people you clean for.
As I was watching this, it reminded me of myself when I was an administrative assistant.
When you work cleaning and decluttering someone else's home, you're being OBJECTIVE. You can see the bigger picture. It's not your stuff. Just toss it in a big black trash bag.
But when you're in your own home it becomes very SUBJECTIVE, as in I better not throw this away, just stack it neatly.
I could organize my boss's life and papers, but my own home was a wreck.
Great video!
This was great and so well said. All the hetero relationships I know are the woman doing all the housework and child related tasks yet both partners are working. It's a large reason why I stay single. It's nice to know there are some relationships and some men who work differently and more equally ❤
My partner and I both work full-time, but where I work 7 hours a day, he works 8 hours a day, and he also has to travel to work while I work from home. We've worked out a method that divides the labour very fairly - I cook and wash the dishes every weekday, and I sort out all the laundry, but he does the deep-cleaning of the bathroom and helps with cooking and dishes on the weekends. This leaves both of us with a similar amount of free time, which is great! He's always been fully on board with understanding that all the labour should be divided equally, including paid and unpaid work.
I giggle so hard every video when you introduce yourself 😂 thank you, Banana nana fofanna!
Did he just paint that whole room with no tape? New hero.
My husband should watch this. Not only for how you paint without masking tape, but also for what you are saying!
I remember a time when I was really sick. My husband took the day off to deal with the children and their meals etc. He flopped down on the bed and said how do you do this everyday?!! 😂😂 but ...he was also trying to do clean and do laundry when all I needed was for him to keep the kids happy and fed lol He was a good man. He worked very hard for our family.💗💗
I love your thinking about working outside the house and in the household. 😍❤ Last week my mother (74) had a critical 4-hours-operation. Yesterday she got home and I did 5 hours household and cooking for her. In Berlin it was almost 30 degrees but I had to stay in the kitchen, doing the laundrie, bring her to the toilet, bring her water and tea and listen to her when she had pain and watching the clock, so she took her meds in time. I almost cried because she had a stroke for 5 years and I was the only child who cares, but we are 4 siblings. And now I find myself in the same situation, 5 years older and still working fulltime in my job. Saturday and sunday I have free time, no problem to care about my mother. But I work from monday to friday and I wish to have more support from the government. 😢
Your mom is very lucky to have you there to help her.
@@aprilcitygirltocountrywife7440Thank you for your kind words. 😊
I took care of my husband for 10 years before his death. I know what you're going through! I wish you love, peace and strength to carry your load. ❤
@@kaybeck7415 You did an amazing work for your husband, my deepliest respect. Thank you for your lovely words. 😘♥️
Caring for a parent plus working and taking care of your home too can really drain you. I hope you can find a way to get some rest. ❤
You and your wife have a great partnership and I absolutely love to see this. The respect for each other is amazing.
Very sound and practicle advice. I hope lots of people hear this message. I taught for 36 years. Lots of people tend to think teachers have it easy and get breaks and stuff. The one good thing about Covid I think, a lot of people realized how much work a teacher does put in. 😳 Thanks for the video.
This video should be watched by any couple before marriage. You explain the dynamics of a working relationship perfectly. Thank you.
Perfectly put
This was not boring at all. You are so young and wise. You are a lovely man. Your family is blessed and lovely. If all people thought like you it would be a better world. Thanks for all that. BTW you make painting look so easy.
I very recently, as in the last 2 weeks, did the exact same thing with my room. I repainted all the baseboards and painted the doors a nice, bright white. I repainted a portion of the room's walls. I painted the window sills that same white. I rented a carpet shampooer to clean the carpet like crazy. Along with vacuuming, I rearranged everything, cable managed my workspace, planned out my bed to be in the best possible position in the room as well as my dresser, cleaned out my closet, etc. I 100% understand where you are coming from, and I love seeing the dogs happier, myself happier, and everything as clean and fresh as possible. I am now working on the entire house, following the same practices.
Your breakdown of the household is perfectly well put. My partner and i both work full time and by the time we get home we dont want to do anything. I think getting a cleaning service in might be a huge relief for our household even if its once a month.
Its amazing. Do it! We have someone come in biweekly and all I really do is vacuum and dust as needed in between cleanings.
I’d say definitely do it if you can afford it. Years ago we both worked full time yet I was expected to do everything. Cooking. Washing. Cleaning. Shopping. After a while I refused point blank to carry on so we went halves to pay a weekly cleaner. It made a massive difference. The arguing stopped. I still ended up doing the cooking and shopping etc mind you, but I wasn’t as resentful. In 25 years he cooked twice. Once was boiled eggs and he forgot he’d put them in a pan and they exploded. The smell and mess was horrendous 😮. The other time he burned sausage on toast.😂. At one point I got so fed up that he just dropped his dirty laundry on the floor and never even put it in the linen basket. I just kicked it under the bed. After a week he asked me why his jeans weren’t washed and hanging up. I told him all the laundry that had been put in the basket was done and put away. Any that wasn’t in the basket was kicked under the bed.😅. He needed the jeans for going out apparently. He wore dirty, unwashed jeans that night. All is laundry found it’s way into the basket after that 😂. It’s hard work when one person doesn’t pull their weight when you both work the same hours. 😮
I was abused physically for not doing enough housework or not doing the housework properly from my partner. I was expected to raise a newborn while being extremely sick after having him, sadly for him I left after 2 years of this and he went home to his mummy. Today I’m glad to say things are equally shared in this household. I appreciate your video’s and your wisdom.
I'm so sorry you experienced that pain. So glad that you did what you had to do to move away from that awful situation. Stay strong, stay awesome! 🦋
The cats were saying, "watch out! Dad's cleaning again!" I love your discussion and the way you think. I think you are so right. The partnership does get wonky if you don't both work on it. I could watch you clean all day. You have helped me, tho, for real. I do a load of laundry every day, if I have enough, so it doesn't get out of hand. And I make sure my kitchen is clean before I go to bed. It makes such a difference!
every "I live alone" comment PLUS that's why remote work changed my life. I use the breaks to get up and do chores (I get to move my ass around, and chores get done) so at night I can actually relax.
I completely understand where you are coming from. My whole family is all kinds of neurodiverse. Complicate that with a multigenerational home and it’s a recipe for misunderstanding. We’ve had to navigate and setup ground rules. As you say we all need days off or space away. As a sole parent of an ADHD and ASD child I really love my down time. Living with my parents means my mother absolutely rules the kitchen. It’s her area. I help out in other ways doing the jobs she dislikes, like folding laundry.
Bet your wife was super grateful to come home to clean and tidy house with all the chores done. And the bonus of the office all setup and looking fab. Gold star for you.
Excellent! I went through the same scenario when, after 5 years with an office job, I became a stay at home mom. After 15 years of that, I started my own cleaning business. It wasn’t until my husband pitched in with a few “prepare for market” cleanings that he began to appreciate how hard I work. One of the things I always pointed out during my time at home was how he was acknowledged for his efforts with a paycheck, sick days, raises and time off.
This is what companies pay a fortune for. Time management. They literally follow job categories around and time every task. In nursing, it’s a disaster because there’s no allowance for emergencies, which occur daily. Love your perspective that the home and jobs are shared responsibilities. And your freehand painting is awesome. I’m jealous.
I am a former bedside nurse. This is one reason why I left and will never look back.
My husband and I use our birthdays and our anniversary week to take those chill pills. We take off the week of our anniversary every year. Most years we don't even do anything or GO anywhere - we sit at home and do things separate from each other, occasionally doing something together because we have the time and want each other's company. But, we give each other that space to just be nothing and no one. The house gets messy during that time, sure, and the household trash gets a little filled with too much ordered food, of course, but it is so worth it. One week to just say screw the world and recharge. That is our biggest recharge time.
Thank you for this video. My husband use to ask me to give him five minutes before I could share how the day went. I was caring for my two small boys and my home. I missed adult conversation. He on the other hand only wanted to decompress from all people. Sharing life is hard. I always knew that sometimes we give more or take more. It's never 50/50. I just didn't know untill he told me. Communication and love the idea of writing it down.
@11:52 the dog is like “I hope you’re not expecting me to do anything…including MOVE out of your way!” 🤣🤣 He/she is a beautiful pup!
I remember having this conversation with my husband when I was home with five kids ages five and under. One of my examples to him of how small tasks around the house can add up was trimming the kids' nails. I had five who were all too little to do their own nails at the time. It took me about an hour each week to do that one task. Over the course of one year that is 52 hours, basically a full work week worth of time just spent on trimming nails. Once he started working from home, he quickly figured out where all my time goes.
This is really solid advice from a grown man. I appreciate your thoughts. I just want to throw out child-rearing(pregnancy, nursing, care and feeding, school stuff) AND elder care which so typically falls on the at-home spouse because their time is more flexible. These things can be rough and demand a new accounting of who is doing what.
Laundry and dishes are two chores I don't mind doing at all. Like you, I hang, fold and put away everything as it comes out the dryer. Cleaning as throughly as you do does take a lot of time and effort. But as you observed, you're doing it for you. The end result is always so self satisfying and calming. Once again your voice overs make these videos very engaging. Think I'm going to go clean something.
Now another reason to not only watch but to listen. Your thoughts are greatly appreciated. Marriage is a partnership. Most people today don’t want to give and share… and thus divorce is always the answer. Life is not easy and its so nice to hear you appreciate your partner and understand her needs. I agree with you 100% we all need our hobbies. I am home full time now, retired and honestly I do not know how I had time to work full time + overtime for 35 years. Best wishes!
Tbh most marriages aren't a real partnership. Lots of men weaponize the finances of the family. While actively shaming the sahm they wanted, and still can't measure up with the working wife, which many women still do most of the housework. Divorce for women is healthy because partnership with immature grown men is just full of heartbreak, and being called emotional or fussy... 😐
I'm a stay at home Mama of four/wife. I really appreciate the empathy you show towards your wife and realize when she needs a break. I literally do EVERYTHING in our household, even the yard work. I "work" from 5:30 AM when I wake up until 8:30 PM when everyone has had dinner and are getting settled in for the night. I do it 7 days a week, even on holidays, my birthday, anniversary, Mother's day, and when I'm sick. I have some help from my kids, but I try to not put so much on them when they are in school (oh! I homeschool my youngest three kids!) I am SO overwhelmed! I get very annoyed because I feel like all of my efforts go unnoticed. I say all of this to say, thank you for recognizing when your wife needs a break to reset. I LOVE your channel and your content! (Also, I have a 10 year old daughter with high functioning autism and the other two of my youngest kids has ADHD)
No wonder you are overwhelmed 😕 I hope this video gave you the courage to have an honest talk with your partner about this severe imbalance. And don't forget the mental load you are carrying for the whole family as well... Wishing you all the best!
Hang in there ❤ That is A LOT for one person! Wishing you some much deserved downtime in the very near future
That’s a lot! And please don’t feel like you have to put quotation marks around the word ‘work’. Mama that’s more than a full time job. You ARE working ❤
Show your husband this video
Change it now. You will exhaust yourself and end up empty and miserable and full of resentment. No amount of money that he’s making justifies this
I love, love, love how you talked about the partnership between the one who leaves the house and the one who stays home. Both are so necessary.
I like your shows. I am an older woman (67, divorced) with 3 dogs and a LOT of CATS. Nobody helps me. Some days, nothing gets done. Other days, the basics always get done. There are a few days when a LOT gets done. I have to differentiate between household chores, and yard work (weather-permitting on the yard work, we live in Tornado Alley). Watching your shows gives me "extra incentive" to "not give up" on the days when I feel depressed or disgusted. Thank You for All You Do, and for sharing it with the rest of us.
Wow-what’s it like to be able to reach the top of the wall to paint? 😮
😂 I’m 4’10”, I’m lucky to reach the middle of the wall
He's on a step ladder. I'm 6' and need a step ladder for 8+ Walls. We don't know any differently.
@@ninjasipad7924me too 🤣🤣🤣
@@ninjasipad7924 thank you for making me feel better about being 5’2”! 😁🥰
I appreciate the husband that you are, and the way you work together as a team.
Love love love what you said. I don’t want to be taken advantage of and I should not take advantage of others!!!
Thank you for talking about this. A lot of people will undervalue each other for decades, and grow to resent each other. What a waste to live your life like that. Many men only realise the issues once their wives have left them - to put it bluntly.
I was that person started with an illness. I was very anemic and didn’t have the energy or oxygen. Two years later I’d been back to normal for a few months but was still just sitting. Your videos gave me the way back in. Do one countertop. Load the dishwasher. I still had a ways to go but I was getting there. Then my husband had a heart attack last month. He has a long recovery but so glad he’s still here. Now it’s all mine to do and I was just thinking that I wish I could just do nothing for a day. But I can’t because he’s not capable of taking up the slack. It’ll be ok in the long run. You are a wise man and I enjoy your videos!❤
I need to say your words hit home for me. I was diagnosed with MS and anxiety in 2021 and I have a son with ASD 1. We have two kids and I am a stay at home mom. I will admit my husband took on a bit during my dark depression summer of 2021 through 2022. I am slowly working my way back. It's small steps, but I am actively trying to put more on my plate and less on my husbands. I am thankful for him during this time, but I do know his plate is full.
Depression is very hard for people to understand. I just got out of a bad one. I realized my husband had been watering my plants for me the whole time! your situation is much harder. May you heal quickly.
is Ms neativly impacting you in that sense too or was it mailyn depression ?
This video is all kinds of wonderful. It could be a part of a pre-marital counseling program. If people even still do that. Or certainly a marital counseling program, or family counseling. I was both encouraged and convicted by your words, and I have been married nearly 37 years. I am learning so much from your channel. You are so kind and loving to realize that your wife needs time off, and to value what she contributes to the marriage and household.
Definite food for thought… I work 2 jobs and my husband is retired/disabled he does outdoor stuff like home repair, fence building, pool maintenance and other tasks that require engineering and construction duties… I do laundry, dishes, cooking, bill paying (my husband has a list of bills he covers), laundry etc…. I find laundry and cleaning relaxing… my husband does his laundry and my brother whom I care for does his laundry and his room… we rarely fight over these issues but we do have discussions about how we feel doing specific tasks… we at times go through these issues… I enjoyed hearing your thoughts…
Oh thank god someone actually recognises the issue with running a household! In the 50s, the person running the household usually only did that - now that person is also working full-time, cooking, cleaning, looking after children, washing, etc whilst the other person continues to just work full-time. Not much of an advancement for the person stuck with the household. Love watching you paint!
Not only do we get cleaning tips and lessons from you, we also get life lessons too. My husband and I have a relationship similar to the one people in your community have and finding a balance is always challenging. We knew from the beginning that one of us would have to be home to take care of the household while the other worked. We have a set general pattern, but it's otherwise a constantly refining process, especially with children in the picture.
I also cannot stress enough the importance of hobbies either. Mine revolve around crochet and beauty, and because I value these creative outlets for myself, I've stubbornly resisted encouragement from well-meaning colleagues and friends to turn them into side hustles-particularly my crocheted creations. I'm sure there are people out there who would buy my crocheted toys and garments, but then the craft would lose the fun aspect and I wouldn't want to do it anymore.
Gotta say your narrative about relationship responsibilities was so good and so interesting I will just replay this video! My husband of 53 years always told me, as a stay at home mom of 3 boys, “You have it made”. He had/has no idea what it was like for me and I was supposed to feel sorry for him having to work. 😭😭😭 give me a break 🤦🏼♀️. Anyway, you make perfect sense! Thanks! Love your videos and always have Mr. Midwest Man. (From further north Midwest Lady). Hey, come organize my flippin basement storage room! 🤣
This is not boring at all! I think a lot of us need to hear this. I really enjoyed listening about how empathetic and supportive you are with your wife. I enjoy your videos and you are an amazing person for what you do. Thank you!!
1) Pearls of wisdom there, Banana. You're a marriage counselor in the making right now. 2) Love that you still have the simple, mechanical washer/dryer. So do I. A veteran repairman told me to keep mine for as long as possible, avoiding new electronic models at all cost. 3) What good kitty models you have!
This has turned out to be a fairly deep and unique channel. It's definitely a fav now.
I’m so glad this video was recommended to me it really opened my mind to how selfish I’ve been and how childish I’ve been with my lack of empathy for my girlfriend. We both still live at home but at planning to move in soon within the coming year or so and I find myself a lot constantly asking for more and more of her when in reality her plate is full majority of the time with work/taking care of her home I never sat back and really took a look at everything she does on a day to day V.S what I do on a day to day. My life’s pretty laid back I work come home do music, play video games smoke or drink and that’s pretty much it outside of chores like keeping my room/the main areas clean and cooking occasionally for my mom . I hadn’t realized that she has 3 cats and 2 dogs to look after all day on her off days and a mother that seems to never see how much work that is to maintain. It makes me feel bad that I was so selfish when I could’ve been doing more to help take that load off instead of adding more judgement thank you for opening my eyes ! 💯
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My niece’s husband wants to be lazy because he works outdoors and she works in an office. I’m sorry, work is work, you are expending energy for someone else all day, it’s stressful, when she gets home she’d like to have someone wait on her too.
I have contacted our town's Public Schools, the department dealing with Health Curriculum. Next stop? Churches, Synagogues, Temples, Madjids - I'm serious about this being an amazing and vital tool for opening up discussions about each side adding value to the partnership. These days, divorce usually means a lot of expenses and a loss of day to day support. - and that goes for all relationships. If a person isn't able to hold together a relationship of their *choosing* then the ones with folks one has no choice over are not likely to be any better. I gave up on dating because I could not even begin this dialogue. I think starting a conversation with a cool video is a great way to do it -- before even the possibility of pregnancy or living together.
This is very much how my relationship is. I'm also currently in a situation with a person who is going through chemotherapy. They're also still maintaining a job. Due to that I've been doing more than I'd normally do to take stress away from my SO.
Man I'd love a day to just clean my whole house without a clingy toddler at my feet. Before he was born i had my cleaning routine down to where i could get everything done in 45-60 minutes with one major deep clean project a week. I love my kid, i also miss the days of cleaning to relax.
Amen sister
i dont know why but this has honestly been one of the best videos I have watched on this platform. this channel is not my type, the algorithm randomly recommended me this, I'm not gonna be fake and pretend like its my fav cos its genuinely not my genre of youtube but thank you for making this video, I didn't know I needed this
I loved hearing your comments about working together You are years ahead of most people understanding what a successful marriage is about. I was happily married to my husband for 50 years before he died. He was always ready to pitch in with the kids, housework whatever needed done without my asking. I always appreciated his help and did what I could to help him which was never as much as he did for me. He’s been gone two years and I still love him and think of him everyday. You and your wife are very blessed to have each other.
I love your channel. I try to never miss a video you put out. I’m on a fixed income so I can’t join your subscription right now but I will in the future
I really loved this conversation-could have used this wisdom about relationships when I was young and married! And, as always, enjoyed watching you take care of business.
We have that same Midwest household dynamic, but I work part-time also. It stresses me out sometimes when I don't get it all done. It makes it hard to enjoy a hobby when there are things yet to do. It may stem from a childhood where you couldn't go out to play until your homework and chores were done.
But I'll work on giving myself permission to take a break.😊
Glad I found your channel, its very chill for needing something, in the back ground while cleaning. From one autistic person to another, 7400 km away.
When I was married we both worked full time jobs. I did everything for him, our three children, the house, the cooking, laundry, etc., even for his son from a previous marriage. We went to one counseling appointment because he said I wasn’t paying enough attention to him. The counselor almost came out of her seat before she told him nicely he might try helping me more. We never went to a second appointment. My solution to the problem was a divorce lawyer. No regrets in that decision. Been alone longer than I ever was married and quite happy here in Missouri. I think you are a rarity when it comes to men cleaning.
This may be my absolute favorite video you've made. My partner and I have been together for 7 years and the thing that keeps us in love is having empathy for one another, caring for one another, and learning to care for ourselves too. Relationships are ever changing and so are you and your chosen person. Navigate with empathy and understanding with one another and it'll get you far! I found you putting into words a lot of what goes on in my own mind as well, so thank you!
I'm the one taking way to much and I honestly can't even begin to describe how much those words opened my eyes and kicked my butt!! I seriously think you should to a podcast talking about this sort of stuff. You just seem to say the right things and explain it in a way that is harsh but not at all harsh. This is the stuff that motivation is made of and what people who lack motivation NEED to hear!!!
Thank you!!!
My favorite video so far, love the way you painted your editing space. Thanks for reminding us to practice empathy and allow for mental resets.
It wasn't boring at all! I was cleaning my kitchen and doing laundry with you. Except i have to hang my laundry to air dry.
Sir you have valuable wisdom to share. Thank you for so eloquently sharing. Love from Grandma in Peru 🇵🇪
Love your studio, never seen someone so confident at painting that you didn't put a drop sheet down, RESPECT I would have splattered paint everywhere! And what you were saying is absolutely amazing as well. Thanks, Mr Midwest!
This is the BEST! This was me in my younger years. Have two boys and was able to stay home with them until they went to school. I had my routine and loved taking care of my house and family. I had hobbies of knitting, crocheting, and sewing for Christmas presents which I worked on all year. We had little money but I am glad I was home with my boys when they were so young. I then went to work and came home and did it all for years. My husband took up some slack with laundry when I went for groceries. We lived 45 minutes from a large grocery store. When my mother-in-law would take the boys for vacation with her for two weeks I would take vacation and clean my entire house! Top to bottom, shampoo rugs, wash windows and deep clean. My husband helped me move furniture. I would rearrange their bedrooms and go through and get rid of broken toys and reorganize their rooms. It would only take me about 5 days back then and I would return to work before they came home. I did no cooking during this time and we ate on the run. This gave me back my sanity before school would start up again and everyone was out of the house all day. My husband was a teacher and home in the summers. I ran the house like a well oiled machine. I was raised on a dairy farm and had household responsibilities, taking care of my brother and sister, working in the barn and then summer would come and it really got busy with field work. Awhile ago I decided I have had OCD forever. You would understand if you had seen my closets. I would put outfits together for everyone and they just need to open the closet and take down a hanger. If we were coming home for a visit for a weekend on Thursday night after work I would have the entire house cleaned, laundry done, and clothes packed to leave after work on Friday night. It was comforting to me to walk back into my house on Sunday night and just deal with unpacking and washing laundry from the weekend. I was like this until last year when I got a tick bite and was very sick with anaplasmosis. I haven’t been the same since and I miss the organized me. I also took care of my yard and painted outside and inside as needed. Last December I turned 73 and since June of 2022 I haven’t been the same. I enjoy your videos and get spirts of energy but not enough to suite me. Thank you for this video…I hope a lot of people see this and understand what it is like to have most of the work fall on you as a woman. Love your channel! Hugs from Pennsylvania.💕
As someone in a 2/3 long distance relationship this was a good reminder. We rarely see each other when we are pushing our hardest and working like crazy (so we can enjoy the time we have together). But it does have the effect of being a little hard on one another or unappreciative at times because we don't have any referrence point of what has been happening behind the scenes. This was a good clean and brain drain chat I enjoyed myself and feel like it reminded me of the things I need to not take for granted. :) Thanks!
Oh my god, your story about stacking your wife's piles was so sweet and such a cute story about solidarity, partnership, understanding, and love