What do Alcoholics/Addicts Think When You Set A Boundary?
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- Опубліковано 30 чер 2024
- No matter how small of a request you make, your addicted/alcoholic loved one just can't seem to respect your boundaries. You can lower your expectations to the absolute bare minimum, and they still won't follow through. What could possibly be going through their mind? Watch this video to find out! Addiction expert, Amber Hollingsworth explains how the alcoholic/addict mind interprets boundary setting.
Does it feel like no matter what you do things just keep getting worse? That's an indicator that it's time to Put The Shovel Down and get strategic about beating addiction. The only way to beat addiction is to outsmart it. Luckily, you're in the right place; we're here to make sure you stay 5 steps ahead of addiction.
Additional Resources:
Live group coaching for people trying to help an addicted loved one: www.familyrecoveryacademy.onl...
Recovery coaching with Amber:
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Get your loved one out of denial and into recovery using our proven Invisible Intervention method: www.familyrecoveryacademy.onl...
The self pity is exhausting to deal with.
100% agree😢
“You Think You’re Better Than Me!” After you walk away and won’t engage in their chaos anymore,
this is their favorite wine.🍷
The addict gets away with a lot. We have to watch everything we do and how we talk to them when they are disgusting towards us.
Its so hard, and unfair. 😞
@@StacyLeonhardt it’s like we have to baby the addict
@sharonscott1776 I agree. And I totally do what I can but sometimes I get so frustrated
@@StacyLeonhardt my ex is 55 still acts like a teenager he’s on M&th so sure his brain never developed. He’s cheated on me with 5 addicts, and I finally said after ten years he can not live with me anymore while on drugs. He just moved on to a meth addict and is using her now. So he’s not seeing consequences as she gives me a place to live. I know Amber says no rules or ultimatum but when he punched me in the face I said get out if ur not getting help.
Yes it’s not fair. Only thing we have is to lead by cooperating with the small part of them that is left and then being rational enough to get what we need somewhere else (like in prayer).
I left, after a year of living together, couldnt cope with the chaos, the drunk planning and making empty promises, the lies, secrecy, mood swings, drunk driving, coke, dissapearing for weekends. Every boundary I would set he would break with a smile and rub it in my face. Worst was when I started to have a drink to cope with what is happening. Best thing is to leave.
You cracked the code.
Oh my goodness read this comment and thought "Sounds exactly like my situation with my ex boyfriend" . We lived together for about a year, broke up then got back together again. He broke all his promises to stop drinking so that we could start seriously planning a future, the lies and fabrications, black outs, drunk driving, negligent behavior, perpetually self preoccupied so he was never there for me etc. A total of two years in that relationship I had to throw in the towel before I gave anymore false hope to the situation. They also think as long as you're with them then it can't be that bad. Leaving broke my heart but was necessary
My long overdue boundary was “if you continue to drink I will divorce you” after 13 long years I have finally left. My ex is still in shock I did it. I feel free and ready to live again.
❤I just did this too. It's so hard but 31 years was enough and seeing what it was doing to my 10 and 12 year old was game over.
I am so sorry, it is tough. I too have a 9 yr and 10 yr old. They were constantly living in fear. I have my good days and bad days. However, I am committed to my recovery now.
I wish you the best. ❤
@@Jazmin_Flores2689 oh my goodness. Thank you for sharing this. It feels lonely sometimes with the children involved♥️
😅
Good for you!
My son has been an addict of heroin for about 10 years now and I've tried everything to help get clean.. I've never forced him into rehab knowing that he wouldn't quit unless he was ready anyway.. I'm so glad I found you ❤ your advice is so helpful to me 🙏✌️
My boundary was, "If you drink and drive, I will call Law enforcement." I have actually called LE on my husband. I think he was surprised I actually did it. It hasn't stopped him from doing it, but he now knows if I know he is driving drunk, I will turn him in. It was one of the hardest, most embarrassing calls I have ever made.
Not an easy test, but you did the right thing...
So brave❤
Same scenario except it's my child.😢
I live in a state where one more DUI and he will permanently lose his license and have jail time. The best thing I did was call our financial advisor to ask how our assets can be protected in the event that he injures someone. The FA and my HA are friends. This was hard to do, but effective for “several”
months. Now I know he is testing that boundary. I am working up to following through with transferring our assets to my name. Of course he has to sign off on that. It is not divorce, but he throws that accusation at me. He is very high functioning in terms of work and when he is not drinking. But driving under the influence is too dangerous for everyone. I have to try.
Wow. I wish I could implement this one w my AH. He’d turn on me in a heartbeat & make more hell for me in my own home. I commend you! Great job!
Q: Is saying, “I don’t want to be around you when you’re slurring your words.”, an acceptable and reasonable boundary to set with my boyfriend? I am getting intense resistance to this. We are barely seeing each other because he is almost always drunk and slurring these days. He says I’m hearing things or tells me he’s just tired, etc. He drinks whiskey and is in what I would call 4th stage as I’ve heard described. He often blacks-out and is having terrible memory issues. He also wobbles and is argumentative but doesn’t realize he’s doing it. It’s so sad and quite embarrassing too. He’s extremely defensive even to the most delicate redirecting. Even when relatively sober, he’s defensive, but it’s way worse when drunk. He needs medical intervention in order to stop drinking safely now. I just started therapy and CODA meetings and am learning about boundaries. And Hi! 🤗 Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for what you do. I found your channel last summer. You have changed my life! 🙏
My heart goes out to you. Leave him. You deserve so much better. ❤
I’d consider downgrading him from the boyfriend title to a friend title. You can be honest with him and tell him how this makes you look and how much work this takes you. This should be an easy justification that anybody would agree with that is rational.
I agree unfortunately leave him a sometimes I wish I had now we have an almost 2 year old and I'm 40 weeks pregnant and we're married🙄
The stress and way it plays with your mental isn't worth it
Try Al Anon support group. It will help strengthen you
Leave the madness. You owe him nothing. This is hate not love.
This is wise. Thank you for this.
Thanks Myriam 😁
AMBER. could you offer a workbook. About your topics. I desperately need the words to say to address the unmanageability of the disease
Hi Amber , great content ,, you are the master ,,, learning and entertainment, 🎉 , you deserve high praise for this .
Thank you so much! Your videos are so helpful!
Before you set a boundary or make a rule, think about how you will enforce it. Empty or weak threats are a waste of time.
Things have gotten better since I set boundaries..you truly give good grapes every video gives me answers ❤
The more I watch you, the more I appreciate and enjoy you.
I put boundaries up, and then the response i got was " i dont understand and i dont really care about his mental health. " I blocked. I thought what more can i possibly do to help this man i admire. I always drop everything. I always check on him etc. super mad. Unblocked him once i calmed down but to only find i was blocked now. Think its some sort of way to avoid any emotion. I reached out saying i still care. I still havent gone anywhere. We cant fix anything until he fixes his problems. (Addiction) Hopefully hes about to detox again and get into rehab.
I am so grateful for your videos because it does help me process things a bit better and understand. Im trying hard to stick to this no contact we seem to be having but can not help but start to feel the sinking feeling of maybe i fucked up
Thank you 🙋🏽♀️ 😊
Thanks for watching, Michelle!
Thanks Amber. My husband is already in action stages as you said on the live, he is only trying to get sober without going to rehab. I asked if he will take the detox, he agreed, but we were waiting for his doc appointment. Then one day he came home heavily drunk and abused me (had never happened before) , 2 days later, I told him everything that happened. I told him "Rehab is the only solution. I am unsafe with you like this. Everyone around our family judges me for accepting this behavior and I am not doing justice to my values by tolerating this. I love you but no matter how much you say it won't happen again, it will happen again if you keep drinking". He then opened up to the idea of rehab too. He is going to talk to his doc tomorrow about it. He applied for an extended medical leave at office too. He is only scared of going in and is asking me things like will they allow my phone, will it be like jail, etc etc. But looks like he is very close now. Amber just your videos made it happen... I am so so grateful.... Lots of regards and warmth to you
great content that exactly he is saying it he was fine after rehab but then my dad that who is also a addict had him back into defense addiction mode ........
Wish I’d found this video a couple years ago and had more one on one help with my son. He passed away from suicide and it was such a battle to try to help keep him clean 😢
I'm not sure how to get involved in the live chats but really could benefit from having some questions answered. The first is, how do you emotionally cope with your once sweet child becoming this deamon? I have homeschooled him and his older sister their whole lives and we have gone from reading good literature and Bible study, doing science projects and talking about Sir Walter Raleigh and his future as a Welder and worship leader to dealing with him telling me to shut the F up and breaking my house. I'm so in horror, all I can do is just go to my room and ball my eyes out. If he hears me, he will mock my pain. He tells me he hates me, steals from me, lies to me and refuses to do his school work or his chores. I hear everything you are saying, Amber, and it makes so much sense but its the internal battle of depression and horror that makes me ineffective, lacking sleep and losing my appetite. I know God has got him but the loss of dreams for him is so, so, so, hard. This mama is breaking into peices.
Is he addicted to drugs or alcohol? Or video games? Also, is he free to watch whatever on UA-cam? My son also went through similar and started looking up rap artists who smoked and drank and tried to copy them. He turned into a paranoid mean version of himself and eventually got schizophrenia 😢 I would unfortunately admit your son to ER ASAP and tell them he needs mental health help. The sooner you start the process the better for him because once he gets full blown bipolar or depression or whatever it is he is dealing with(only the good doctors will be able to diagnose him) or something then he may not be cooperative at all anymore and won’t trust anyone. Your goal is to get him admitted. Admitting him overnight is the first step to getting real help. Normal therapists cannot deal with this and he will fall thru the cracks. If he’s ever said anything to you about suicide bring it up to the ER staff because they will admit him right away. Or if he’s using substances and even if you don’t know what it is, they’ll admit him based on that as well. Otherwise they will tell you they can’t help and have no beds open and they’ll ignore you and send him right back home with maybe a prescription to try that won’t really help much. My son flipped and slowly became a different person. The anger and paranoia to foods etc was my first tip off that something was very wrong. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I wish there was a simple cure 😢 DM me if you need help. It’s a difficult system to navigate and nobody helps you or tells you the tricks to get real help
The only boundarie my husband has followed is no alcohol in our home! The others he could care a less. I'm thankful for that boundarie because I'm over 3 years sober.
Without attachment style therapy and or CBT therapy for both parties, most cases will fail, it comes from core wounds, family systems dynamics, and underlying communication pattern differences in both adults. Be mindful to use phrasing that is not shame based or guilting, be mindful of the tonality and delivery of one’s words, requests, etc. Most all addictions stem from emotional pain, trauma, stress, trapped in the body in the present, exacerbated by a mind trapped in old stories of the past. Suggest, working out together, building something (bird house etc) together and with no pressure on the outcome, this will promote the release of vasopressin in the brain. This helps keep the bond while setting the boundaries, so they don’t feel so shut out. An idea from someone who’s been in their shoes. Try it if you’d like.
I wanna say you are very good at all you do and what you say is right on. I myself I'm an addict. Mostly alcohol. I've been clean now 24 years and counting. I'm very surprised and grateful I've lived now till almost 70. I would really love to help people in their addiction although still feel unworthy. For I did grow up in abusive trauma environment. Just wanted to still be alive when I grow up. Any words for people like me
Thank you❤
You're welcome 😊
What so many people who deal with addicts don’t understand is that the addicted person is dealing with some sort of trauma that is causing the addiction to begin with. The addict is trying to deal with the anxiety and the pain the trauma caused and they aren’t even aware of it and now that they are addicted, they have that problem too. Drugs and alcohol give the user the false feeling that it is relieving the symptoms when in reality it is not. Im not saying that you should have to put up with it, just be aware that what the addict is doing is trying to self soothe and you creating boundaries ect, like she said is for you, not the addict. If they are stealing from you or hurting you, you have every right to protect yourself. My ex killed himself and if i knew then, what I know now, i would have handled things differently. Its too late for me now. Just leave.
Thanks!
Wow! Thank you so much Greg🙏🙏🙏
Quit drinking nine years ago after drinking for fifty years with the 35:52 last thirty-five years drinking excessively everyday. From my own personal experiences as degenerate alcoholic , we are without a shred of doubt we are the most selfish people on the planet. We don't have boundaries, but we're very skilled to manipulate anyone that we will be in f 45:57 ull compliance and would never cross these boundaries. Saying this in a straight face the most synical make the
The fight is not yours to fight ,
My boundaries are up for myself and my AH keeps jumping my damn fence! lol I.e. I won’t get in the car w him bc he drinks/drives, & will even do drugs during driving yet he keeps trying to drive my car to “take it for maintenance” for me bc he wants to do something “nice FOR me” but I already know it’s a ruse & he will do the things I don’t accept. But when I say no he argues that I’m just “nasty” bc I won’t let him “do something nice for me” smh the mental gymnastics to keep him off my fence is exhausting.
Hey Amber, do you have any goodies for dealing with sex addiction? Is it more difficult than other addictions?
I don't have anything on that specifically. Addiction is mostly the same, although there are slight differences. When it comes to sex addiction, it can cause more shame and more relationship damage.
To tell the truth, I do not know what anyone is thinking. In particular, I cannot read the minds of people I have never met. I am not a mind reader.
I'm trying to get through to my addicted love one. He had been drinking whiskey for 20 years and is in a five day detox again. He has become verbally & emotionally abusive when drinking and I cannot allow him at my home anymore. I do not want my children to see him like this again. He is angry with me for that and says he wants to be apart of my family or he will find another women with kids.
I asked him not to curse me or call me names. It's so hurtful. He dies it anyways because he said he Won't change the way he talks for anyone. He carries whiskey everywhere and drinks throughout the day so it's hard to find a time when he isn't drunk or getting there anymore. I feel like the man I fell in love with is gone sometimes.
Last week, he was drinking & threatened to kick my 8 year old daughter in the throat and cut my teens throat if they ever threatened him. When drinking he wants to fight everyone and says the most horrific things yet he feels I am wrong for not allowing him around my family in this state. He said my boundaries are to control him. When I enforce a boundary, like no drinking around my kids, he screams and curses me, tells me fuc* off, calls me horrible names, & starts sexting & getting nude photos & videos from girls on fb. Two weeks ago, he picked up a girl from the store & took her home. I didn't know he did that before I took him back. He called her in front of me and told her to fuc* off. This is how he talks to me if I enforce boundaries or don't agree about something. He also will not allow me to say ‘dude’ or ‘bro’. He says he's the man and it's disrespectful but he doesn't need to change anything for me. I just don't know how to move forward with him. I'd I mention the 28day program he screams, curses, & calls me names. Even in the 5 day detox, he cursed me on the phone for mentioning it. He was evicted for threatening his roommate, a 60 yr old man who has had a stroke. After detox he said he wants to live with me and my children & just find a job & try not to drink. How can I talk to him about the 28day program & Sober Living Program, while he stays elsewhere? Thank you for what you're doing!
Thank you for showing me some of this is defensiveness. How do I enforce better boundaries? What do I say?
How do I respond when an addicted relatived who was very close says I am no longer part of THEIR family since I went off on them?
If you really did "go off on them", then you can apologize for how you handled the situation. Other than that I would leave it alone. If this person doesn't want to be around you, that's a boundary you'll have to respect (even if you feel it's unfair)
Just recently had this happen with my mom except I didn’t go off on her. I just talked to my brother about protecting his kids from my dad. He found out I said this and she took his side and now in her head I came out and accused him of this thing. I wouldn’t tell him I was wrong for accusing him even though I never accused him. She said I should have came to him first and he would have set me straight that it wasn’t true. I simply asked my brother to investigate it for himself. Since I wouldn’t apologize and say I was wrong for doing something I didn’t do then she doesn’t want to talk to me again. It’s a relief in a way and it wasn’t me who did this so I don’t feel too bad about what I did. She couldn’t understand that I wanted to keep my brothers kids safe. She said she knows my dad is a good person and that’s all the facts that she needs. She says how could I be such a cruel person and don’t I know how much this hurt him. They simply won’t talk to me rationally. It’s like I’m not in the conversation. I’m just counting my blessings and accepting this as the best thing:
@@robnelson6545Why do the the kids need protecting from their grandfathet?
@@peterlyons8793 I just wanted him to be able to make that decision for his kids (my brother). It’s not good to keep secrets when it can affect innocent people. Both my parents though think I’m a horrible person for asking my brother to ask my sister. Not even accusing people but apparently allowing others to make stuff up when she denies everything she told me.
What if they never want to talk about it when sober? They get angry. (Guilt) I always here "You dont think I dont know". They know but in my gut there is no way they know because of the amount of chaos and all the things that have happened but yet the disease of alcohol is baffling. No idea how to talk to them. Also, where does one go when you have no money for a hotel and things are bad. I deal with a person who gets angry. EVERYTIME. I see no peace that the alcohol brings them. I get a disease but this disease I will never really understand. I see not stopping Heroin because you need it to just be normal but alcohol? Currently there are no shakes and weird things like that. I dont see how there cant be but I see them go two days and then back at it. STOP is so easy to say. I just want to have them talk to me and listen but I guess I have said it all about 800 days in a row. What do you do? Have them quit the job because they drink in the car daily on the way home or before. As you know..... "It was just a little bit" Geash. I digress.. how do you get them to talk about it without them already "knowing and feeling guilty" which causes anger.
16 seconds in an I need a drink. I'm not even an addict. God help yer husband 👍😉
The only boundary like me I needed to set was with myself. I mean...really? Give tools!!!!
Well why not give them a book on boundaries. I'm saying it is not a they. Give them assertiveness training , communication training ..
Will they say “this is bull$hit”.
I'm a medical doctor. We don't say "diabetics" "asthmatics" nor "alchoholics". It's certainly more respectful of people's humanity to use terms like people with diabetes, asthma or alcohol misuse... etc
Lol Americans get up at 5am to go to work each day for 30 years and still make everyone happy and raise 4 kids b4 U make a UA-cam video.
Just tuning in - grateful for your work!! 🙏🥲🤍
Glad you made it! Welcome to our little community 💖