Re-Parenting - Part 1 - Stages of Development
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- Опубліковано 2 гру 2021
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Healing from Complex Trauma involves reparenting our wounded self. Tim begins looking at what is involved in this process. Today, he looks at the necessary building blocks an infant must have if they are to develop in a healthy way.
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I don’t remember being taught how to regulate emotions, how to ask for getting my needs met, self care, make and attain goals, manage money, delayed gratification, how to make friends. I knew I was loved, but I always felt like an outsider who didn’t understand the assignment. I didn’t even know there was a way to feel a part of.
Not understanding the assignment is such a good way to put it
Every single word you’ve typed I could have also typed. Literally every single word!
I experienced all of that and then some but unfortunately the being loved thing wasn’t there either.
These videos are literally giving me the parenting I never had
Listening to this is tough. Thank goodness for neuroplasticity. New opportunities here. Thank you Tim and team.
True same feeling ...
Yep because you realize how much milestones you missed. I wish things were different.
my biggest issue is the lack of memory. I do not remember most of my childhood which is very frustrating for me. But, my body definitely knows.
omg same thing, i have so much trouble remembering stuff its effecting my job and relationships. People just magically remember their school days and tons of dates and life events.
Might be a protection from pain, blockages. Still, as one works towards being healthy emotionally, is as layers of an onion get peeled off and you know things from past. Be persistant, ask God if there's more to adress in you ❤
Same omg I thought there was something wrong with me
I have very few memories as a child also, whole chunks are completely missing! I remember more things I was told, where I have kind of linked little bits together. Can we ever get thise memories back?
Also still have memory problems now!
@@AtHisFeet777I remember a lot but I also don’t remember a good deal too. It’s strange
This is outrageous!!! How does he not have millions of subscribers and views. Never seen better quality content on mental health than Tim’s work. Tim, you are changing millions of lives and healing so many….thank you 🙏❤️
It's painful to watch. I'm glad I saw it, but I feel depressed and hopeless now.
@@jcepriive seen one ofhis playlists and took notes but understanding is only half the battle, the other half is integration and lowering my defences... Pretty hard
But I'm laughing because to your point, one of the scariest things I've ever heard as an adult is Tim Fletcher saying welcome back to another Friday night ... All of this unpacking is starting to get to me hahaha
@@wombat7961 I guess grieving what we never got is part of the process. My experience was nothing like what he describes here. my parents were completely out to lunch
Not everyone is ready ❤ I’m so happy we found him
Your talks have helped me with so much awareness to my own trauma issues and how to not project it into others. 💖 Since then I've developed amazing self parenting skills how to hold a loving space for myself when wounds come up. All that your wounded inner child needs and deserves is acknowledgment, to let it be okay as it comes up and still love that part too of yourself. Then you've added more healing to your past . The child then feels seen and appreciated. 🌟 Let the child in you starts trusting you, as the adult now is always there for the more vulnerable side within you
Teachers need more of this training, so they can understand why children act like this.
Right.. and understand why they react so strongly to the child
Teachers need to get paid a lot more if they are expected to reparent the child or be their psychologist. Not the teachers job! Even with the best intentions, a teacher cannot heal a child’s trauma- speaking from experience.
Yeah and then investigate the parents.
@@jessicaballantyne7826 They are not expected to reparent the child. How could they, when they have to teach twenty-something children this hour, then thirty-something different children next hour? (And more pay won't solve that)
But they are expected to notice this stuff (and a lot of teachers do, but they rather mock/yell at the child than reach out to someone whose job it is to solve such problems)
Teachers do learn this……
It gives me chills how so much of this applies to me.
I cried. It's so accurate.
As a student of Psychology back in the day, I really resonated with Erik Erikson and Abraham Maslow. I liked the detail Tim goes into with Erikson's Stages of Development. On ACE's (adverse childhood experiences) I score 7 out of 10. Dissociation is my M.O. however, recently, I am starting to 'feel' (somatic) and it is interesting. Recently been given some information about my birth to 1 year old, as I listened to this lecture (1 of 63) I got an upset gut!! Somatically my body knew. But during actual stages from: baby, little kid, toddler, child mine were so fraught with trauma - that I shut down. Today I really connected to my body. How many times have you heard kids say they have a sore tummy? I do believe that this is anxiety. I am blown away with Tim's channel. How organized each topic is, the vast amount of knowledge/information he gives, and his ability to compassionately deliver the information. I am resonating with the lectures that I have listened to so far. I started with Anger and Complex Trauma - just so much valuable insight!! Thank You Tim and Your Team for giving this gift of information freely and compassionately!
It’s very difficult to trust and find unconditional acceptance and love. My trust has improved with having a dog who always accepts me and I receive unconditional love. My fear is still there with “humans” and I am very guarded still at the age of 67 but it is progress. Be safe.
I'm happy for you it's same with me as I'm 19 and in a very good ldr but i cant trust it's hard.... Im slowly getting better but i also wish to have a cat I hope my father agrees 😭
I'm 67, and what you wrote really resonated with me.I feel blessed to have a dog. Best wishes.
I suffered family sexual abuse. This makes so much sense. At 58 I can now see what happens
Wounded children are hard to heal. We need to amp our intent to heal ourselves.
Exactly what i thought when i realized that the actual task is heal or raise a wounded child and not a clean slate. Definitely need more compassion to do so.
i feel this is the only channel i need to understand this complex process.
I'm so grateful that I'm in recovery and raising my child in a healthy environment.
I love learning and so grateful for Tim Flecher passing his wisdom to me and all humanity that is ready to hear it and heal. Nothing makes me love myself more than understanding my own brain development, my own human conditioning that has shaped me into who I am today. I can give myself so much love, so much grace, so much patience, so much kindness and so much forgiveness, to hold the space in my healing. And in the space, I’m not only hold myself yet, my parents and their parents and their parents and their parents and their parents because of the brokenness passed down.
I can hold my children, as they are now parents. I can hold compassionate and forgiveness for the people in the world because they are suffering also from the human conditioning. Jesus is merciful and full of grace.
So, many of us are non trusting, sensory issues, shame etc. Wow
It seems I never even had a chance with this whole normal development.
I love the Christian part 2 of this teaching. I didn't know all the details in the story. Thanks for sharing. Amen.
I am so grateful for this work and for all the commenters brave shares. As a parent, it is so vital to learn this so I can better support my kids.
I never associated trauma with my being allowed to parent myself when I was 'growing up'. I basically had to raise myself.
Being left to parent oneself- that is child neglect- the competent and resilient kid cannot look at it that way, it’s only in later life that a space comes in to go..jeez…
I just didn’t get how other teens got so much family help
@@melliecrann-gaoth4789 I thought I was incompetent and unresilient for not reaching out to others for parenting; but you seem to be saying that I was really competent and resilient for doing that.
I'm not convinced by the tabula rasa model. Pre-birth experiences, such as maternal stress, drugs, (mal)nutrition, must cause changes to the personality of an infant. Also, research into epigenetics is showing that we can inherit trauma or character predispositions from our familial predecessors.
1000 percent.
Generational trauma is real. The whole (then) cultural view of female slave was a traumatising to hear after having watched the handmaind’s tale.
Are you a woman that has been pregnant? Are you a person that dealt with developmental trauma as a child? I can say YES to BOTH.... And so I'm saying that to say this while pregnant there are things that can affect your baby in the forms of stress whatever you go through physically mentally emotionally can affect your baby when they are born and how they act while they are a newborn but pregnancy emotional this that and the third without talking about drugs and things like that because those are things that of course will alter developmental stages but without drugs and things like that stress and such will not affect your child coming from when you were pregnant how you help your child develop dictates how they will accept embrace acknowledge understand comprehend and deal with any situation as an adult. I had a very traumatizing youth I had my first therapist and psychiatrist when I was 8 years old my mother had me when she was 13 years old I went through a tumultuous upbringing and so did my siblings and as a result as adults I see so much of what they went through in their childhood holding them and blocking them and they are now raising their children in this dysfunctional circle of learning. I believe what this man is teaching here definitely makes sense and of course should be taken into account because if you went through traumas then you are going to produce traumas possibly. I will do whatever I can to help myself be more healthy mentally physically emotionally as an adult so that I can save my baby's life and we don't have a recurring circle generational errors. Are you a person that lives in areas where you constantly see developmental traumas and toxicness and your communities as much as I have seen since I was born cuz these are the areas where these type of teachings are needed
@@latoyaedwards8870 Personality is complicated. There are more messed-up people on this planet than one would dare guess. Bringing-up children is difficult, because they will have traits and trauma that have nothing directly to do with you, the parent. My two teen sons are wildly different in their temperaments and view on the world and it's a wonder to watch them interpreting the world in their own unique way. 😘
@@Original50 traits are characteristics that doo come from parents that's why they are called traits. we aren't talking only about personality but the seeding even before they develop a personality.. yes even siblings will be different from each with the same upbringing but how nurturing you are to them during up bringing does play such a major role.. just look around at our youth right now that are in constant turmoil and destruction and trace it back to a parent. I can bet that parent has toxic trauma attached is all I'm saying.
Thank you, these videos are improving my life, and many others around me as I share them. Very grateful for you, Tim, and everyone who supports you. God is good!
He says learn to trust as the primary building block. This is tough. As I repayment myself!! I know God is trust worthy. I can be when I'm in my right mind. But I'm not always. I need an accountability partner who can see past me. My therapist and my 12 step sponsor help there. I guess I should pray MORE. 🙏
My aging parent is critical of me still, and sometimes it really hurts. I know she can't help herself. It's not in her to change. It's up to me. It's been a ruff day. Hope it goes better tomorrow.
Hope all is O.K Renee, under the circumstances. Keep away from your mum as much as possible, shes done enough damage and you need all that empathy for yourself now. Meditate, meditation is encouraged in the Bible, its truly the doorway to Gods House. If you go deep down into the moment, you will discover the Great Spirit Energy abound with enormous Joyful Ecstasy.
Next time you experience a strong emotion that's overpowering you,
stop for a second and observe it.
Just observe the feeling without any stories about it or whatever it means to your life.
Just feel the emotion as it is.
Perhaps it involves a burning sensation in the stomach or maybe a flutter in the heart.
Observe its physical manifestations in your body.
But also observe its effects on your mind.
Maybe it makes the thoughts start racing.
Maybe it confuses the thinking apparatus.
Observe all the facets of the overwhelming emotion, scientifically.
The way you might observe a strange bug you see walking nearby.
Or maybe the way you observed raindrops on a window when you were a kid.
Really the goal is to learn to ride your emotions the way a Surfer rides waves.
You don't just crash into them and you don't just let yourself get pulled under.
With practice you can learn to ride them to shore.
(Jesus said when you learn how to suffer you also learn how not to suffer!)
This video was so healing for me!!! Thank you for completely breaking this down. You are a really effective communicator 🙌🏽
So thankful for these videos. Finally someone who understands the great need for this information. Thank you so much Tim Fletcher!!!
32:48 this has been one of the painful experiences for me. May i be blessed and free along with every soul that is suffering.
This makes a lot of sense.
Dear colleague, I don't have enough words to thank you!
You are generous, bright, useful, concrete!!
¡GRACIAS!
I am not surprised that Mr. Fletcher is Christian. Teaching trauma and healing others is a heavy task - it requires so much love and dedication from one.
Excellent resource for so many. Amazing missionary work here🙏
I can never thank you enough for these videos Tim. You're going through and shedding light on every strong hold there is one by one. One of my big issues when it comes to the Lord is that I feel like if I don't overcome all these issues that I'm not going to receive salvation due to lack of obedience because of the emotions/reactions, unforgiveness, anger, hatred etc. I'm really hoping God is going to be merciful with us. I know we need to change and get in line with the word, but I'm hoping he sees our hearts that want to change.
He definitely does! "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
"God doesn't love us because we are good God loves us because God is good" (parafrasing Fr. Richard Rohr)
In my challenging lifemoments I have to trust God is mercy mercy, mercy ....
Oh man, I got tons of work.
Me too. Homework every night for the next 70 years. lol UGH.
I know what the bad stuff looks like now it's way past the time to try the new stuff in spite of the difficulty and pain
Hey Mr. Fletcher thanks for saying this - I do feel like a little child stuck in a woman's body. And as years go by, since I still haven't fixed the root issue, in some ways, I haven't grown up. I used to think when I finally found a good romantic partner, he would make it better, and he'll be my family. But now I am learning nothing external can fix it. I will resort to others for help, but at the end of the day, I am the one who's supposed to re-parent myself, love myself, and nurture myself.
I think a more reasonable expectation can be that we can not expect our parents to have raise us perfectly but to at least make us so independent that we can heal ourselves and start our re-parenting journey in due time rather than creating an illusion that parents were perfect.
I sincerely thank you Tim 🙏
I don't even know where to start my entire family systems has been traumatized and I too have abandoned my son also. I'm willing to do the work and give it a try with reparenting myself for a healthier way of living
6:00 oh i have all of it. The good thing is that it brings compassion as i heal.
Following all your videos! I really appreciate the consistency over the years!!! God bless you I can sense this perseverence is a gift from GOD!
Sweeeeet. Love this acknowledgment of reality.
I am so grateful for you sir, God bless you.
I just found this. At near the bottom. This is do perceptive though, its given me a will to go on another day. I doubt i can heal, why? Because I dont deserve to, so many bad choices. I'll go for understanding what happened for now.
Wow. Now i know why i had a lotnof memory issues as a kid. I think my mind wasalways racing and id forget where i put things
This is very informative, I saw a lot of the negative traits in my kindergarden clients and I realized that it was the lack of positive attachment styles. Unfortunately, medical doctors prescribed psychotropic medications causing the behaviors to get worse over time.
That’s shocking that kids are getting medication so young
Wonderful to watch your new video!
wow..Christian part was such a blessing as have expereinced this tug of not being on the same page for many many years..if Abraham endured, so can I
Your talks have been so helpful for me understanding myself better. God bless you.❤
ACA is that place where I walked in and found that the traits I had developed from growing up in a dysfunctional home were literally written on the wall.
this really opened my eyes🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
Oh my! Great video.
Thank you So MUCH YOUR SO HELPFUL TO ME 😢
Amazing understanding!!! Thank you. P.x
Thanks!
Pre birth experience, genetic disposition, and environmental experiences prior to age 7.... A power combination that can go exceptionally well... However if we can get just average... That's well enough and if we can get average we lower the bar.
Thank you for helping me understand myself and to help me heal. I’m grateful.
Amazing.
How do you find a safe person when you have no connections?
Listen to these videos. Can you be trustworthy to yourself? This means when you set your alarm, you don’t keep hitting the snooze button and not following through with your original intention. Find others in support groups that help keep you accountable to yourself.
There are lots of resources and people who want to help you who might be able to if you reach out and let them know your situation.
@@kimpuchek1956 I haven't found any local support groups. Briefly there was a good one online when Covid first happened but they started meeting face to face again and it's not local so I couldn't attend. I wish there were local groups.
@@claireisva3873 I’ve been watching online groups for my journey into a healthier lifestyle and body. I hear others saying that self care is so important for us. They are talking about getting their hair done and painted fingernails and toenails. Yes, I can do that, too. It’s momentary. What I find self care for me is to do the deep dive into my thoughts, heart and mind. I see that this has lasting benefits for my future. It’s hard work. It’s not fast work either. I keep reminding myself that I am worthy of doing this journey finding healing for myself.
I have had to learn to be my own safe person , Claire. It took some time but it feels better and better every day.
Sarah had a crisis of faith…. Who wouldn’t? Sarah gets menopause… Abraham didn’t.
I love the information part, but you completely lost me with the biblical piece at the end. It doesn't seem to occur to anyone that Hagar was raped. As a slave she had no say in the narrative so of course she was presented badly. What does this have to do with childhood trauma? Where's your concern for Hagar's trauma?
Agree!
💯 ! The old testament is one fucked up book. I had to turn it off when this guy makes out Abraham was opposed to raping the slave, but is cajoled by his wife.... yup, that's probably what happened.
thank you so much
In families with multiple children have them all turn out different when they are basically parented the same? Some end up emotionally healthy yet one or more struggle?
To answer your question, I think @Dr.GaborMate says it well: "Trauma is not what happens to us, trauma is what happens inside of us as a result of what happens to us". How we cope/ survive is unique to each child.
Every human being has their very own unique interpretation of things that happen around and within them. Each one has a unique composition. Each child, while in the same home also has thrir own friends, their own music choice, their own taste preferences, their own sensitivities, and therefore will experience life totally differently even to their twin sibling. There are so many factors, which explains the term... complex.
TRUST FAITH IN GOD
BEGIN TO REPARENT YOURSELF
LEARN TO TRUST AUTHENTIC CONNECT
CAUSE N EFFECT
This was painful to watch at 53 I don’t know how I made it this far.
My first thoughts at 3 years old:
-"Why is mommy talking to herself? Why is she angry?"
-"Hey mommy has a new friend, we're all gonna watch Little Mermaid"
-"Is daddy working late again?"
-"Where's mommy and her friend?"
Walks upstairs
"What's that funny sound?"
Opens the door
"Wtf is mommy doing there with her friend?"
Mommy:"Uhg"
Friend: "Shit! Get out!"
This makes me really question... does anyone come from a healthy home?
Are there any talks to parents that want to improve their relationships with their children?
Like there are so many talks on hour to identify and make sense of the trauma that’s been passed down to you but what about people that want to find resolution with their adult children for causing them trauma?
Interesting
I had all up to I was about 7 or 8. I think Erickson is early.
So painful. I'm in ACA 12 step. It indicstes to reparent oneself but it doesn't refer to setails like here. Wish i had this explanation sooner.
I need help! I can’t afford the help I need but this has happened to me and I need help and I need to watch all your videos but I need more help that this Tim, because I need to get out of here. I need for my whole family to get help, I need to be out of this house that I live in with them Tim, it just not a healthy environment for me here, I need help.. from professional too right now but I’m Christian and don’t want to be put on 5 different medications ? I have a son who is an addict, I’m going to cry when I watch your daughters video she is going to touch my heart. Help I need help.. I need a place I can go that I can heal.. and be in an environment I’m not an addict but I need someplace I can go to get help… Tom please reply to my comment. Thank you for helping us all!
could you share the link to the presentation file?
i am 41 today and i still dont know who i am
I'm 45 and been asking same my whole life.... something my counselor said seems to help that pain "you are love and love flows to and from you" , something about it just felt like something, peace too u ♥️
How does one rebuild new relationships.
@@rickp.6251 and what if ones done all that…
I would start in ACA, and when building new relationships I would look for people who feel safe: do I feel safe and social with them and if not why?
And the person would respect /love themselves but can also have a sense of being fully present with you.
A great talk and helpful. Until the biblical discussion. Really strange conclusion 🤔
lol we NEVER blame the man! If Abraham trusted in GOD he would have never slept with another women...he would have believed GOD and waited and stayed with his wife only...im not a Christain but I enjoy your videos. A physco woman.... not a good term to use in therapy. A HURT woman ...
3 types of brain waves: woman, man and - get this depth - psychopath
Danger signs can shiw differently in girls
34:00
So when I, in business, call you. Knowing you attach to objects...
I normally don't listen to the second Christian part,but thought I'll listen this time.Can't help saying I was so disappointed to hear such a misogynistic interpretation.All in the name of God!!!
Perhaps then it's better that you don't listen.
@@nagrabagra4924 yes,I agree.
Marie Claire this is just one person’s interpretation. You get to create your own based on what you currently need.
@@janiceb7590 How convenient!
33:34
There is no “What’s my part in it with being victimized by a Covert-Passive-Aggressive Narcissist Abuse for 13 years with chronic lying and Gaslighting and pornography addiction
I did 12 years. Sounds like jail time doesn't it? Anyway I'd say 'my part' was that I didn't listen to my gut. I tolerated the intolerable. I excused the unexcusable. I didn't protect the innocent. I though I could fix it. I didn't want to see the truth about him. I surrendered to the unqualified opinions of people who just didn't get what we were living, to try to maintain personal credibility in their eyes, at a huge cost to myself and children. My list is long but I'll stop here.
Many are glad they will die since their life is pain and unconditional abandonment.
Fletcher spends too much time on the problem, and not enough on the solution.