Relationship Repair that Works | Dr. John Gottman
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- Опубліковано 17 січ 2010
- Dr. Gottman describes how the "masters" of relationships make repairing their relationship after an argument a priority. But what makes some repair attempts succeed while others fail? Have a listen.
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What makes the difference.
The key to understanding this is that you have to make those “deposits.” If you don’t see the repair attempts you won’t be likely to notice the deposits. You have to make those deposits yourself because you can’t count on anyone being there for you 100% but yourself.
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One has to really understand repair techniques, whatever works in a certain relationship, one who has made positive deposits one will be kinder and more receptive to the repair techniques. Being kind and empathetic is a big plus always seek to understand than to be understood.
Emotional bank- quality of friendship in the marriage
This is really FANTASTIC... Thanks...
When they empathize repair attempts WORK .... it is more than just being friends. When one has empathy skills, THIS would work well!
Do you have anything on how to deal with those who possess little to no empathy ?
Please answer ~ this is a serious question!
I’m curious if you ever got an answer in the last 8 years?
@@bobbycox2687 NOPE! Nothin 😏
Now divorced.
No empathy will destroy relationships!
when there is no empathy, you probably are in a relationship with a narcissist and they will use your attempts against you
@@roxanahaloiu6757 What kind of attempts?
What do you mean by "attempts"?
@@roxanahaloiu6757 i can relate with you. Their empathy bucket is 0%
Yup, if you aren’t even friends then how to you begin repairing?
Makes sense. Goes beyond marriage too. This is why a new friendship is so easy to break... First mistake and down it goes the drain. If your friendship is longer and more solid, or as he puts it if you have emotional money on the deposit, it's much easier to bounce back.
I agree with this.
i agree wit u 100%
Brilliant
He's so funny I like him 😭
So basically, if you were going through a rough patch, then make a mistake, even if you try a repair attempt, you're doomed? What's the takeaway there? I guess it sounds like the emotional bank account needs to be rebuilt, then make another repair attempt later.
ty very much
Incredible! This is top-notch content. I stumbled upon something akin, and it was genuinely mind-blowing. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Leo Flint
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Tough
Dr. Gottman...if someone is narcisstic or has NPD type of personality is this also applicable? Sounds like it can in theory but how about in your practice? Thank you for your input
deemahdee say goodbye to this being applicable to NPD person.... They lack empathy and operate from ego.
Run. You will always be in millions debt and your credit and name will be total crap to everyone they know. They are not on your side. You are now their competition. And trust me if you try to compete with their level of evil, you will lose.
scientific psychology = soul omitted.
How to build trust? Be trustworthy💜
@@dragonstaye4557
"Scientific psychology= soul omitted" How do you figure that?
Yes if you want a trusting relationship be trustworthy. But also? psychological research concerning relationships looks at *how* to do that effectively. What are the little moments in which people do that effectively, even when it's hard? Researching questions like these has value.
How do you fix a relationship if the two people remember the facts of what happened completely differently? Not just in the heat of the moment, but always? And the other person seems to truly believe what they say. And you know you are being honest.
Has anyone dealt with this?
That sounds like a tough situation, know that you're not alone. Unfortunately, social media & this platform are not a replacement for individualized support. We would encourage you to find a counselor or therapist who can help you find a solution for you and your wife. Try checking the GottmanReferralNetwork.com to find certified Gottman therapists in your area.
That’s exactly how I deal with every single day with my insufferable husband! He disputes and denies EVERYTHING even though he knows I’m telling the truth, but he just doesn’t want to take any responsibility. He doesn’t think it’s possible that he could do anything wrong, even when he knows he’s wrong! He’s extremely defensive about every single thing you say to him and argues and disputes everything you say to him that isn’t a praise.
@@TheGottmanInstitutewe did have a counselor. He just looks hopelessly at the counselor, as if to say, “I don’t know what to say. I don’t remember any of this.”
I would be polite and careful and mom-accusatory, and would ask him for input and wait quietly., but we’d get home and he’d say I was yelling and wouldn’t let him get a word in.
Perhaps in a textbook rhis works. Woman in my experience keep score men not much if at all. So the woman will inevadibly ask for repair more often and stronger. Seems not fair.
Perhaps you don't realize the depths of the hurt you cause. Indeed, not fair at all. Being so hurt and then trying to make things work and then been accused of 'keeping score'.
Really, your empathy levels are probably Way Too Low.
@@gardenjoy5223 how do you measure empathy levels? How do I know if someone is hurt or only says so?
@@ottifantiwaalkes9289 From my experience, you can never know for sure. It all boils down to trust. Do you trust that person enough to believe them when they say they've been hurt? And if that person is usually honest and doesn't have manipulative tendencies then I suggest you should trust them and be genuinely curious about the reason why they felt hurt, even though it might seem silly to you. I would also suggest you shift your perspective from this cold and overly-rational "How can I quantify it? How can I know that they are telling the truth?" to a more empathetic perspective. First acknowledge their hurt: "Hmm, maybe this really did hurt you. I'm sorry I have made you feel this way" (this is NOT an apology for doing something wrong, but a genuine feeling of regret that the person you love was not happy and feeling hurt). A simple sentence like this can work miracles, because it is as if you were saying "I believe you and you have the right to feel your feelings, and, even though it was not my intention to hurt you, I still feel sorry you ended up feeling like this, because I love you and I want you to be happy". Now they should be feeling a little better already, which means they will be less likely to phrase things in a critical way. The next step is to ask them "What would you want me to do (perhaps differently) so that you won't feel hurt anymore?". And from now on, it's a negotiation. If what they are asking for would mean you had to make a sacrifice, then you are not obligated to do it. But you should, nevertheless, be transparent about it and tell the other person "I am sorry, I really care about you, but I cannot do this, because it would be too great of a sacrifice for me.". Sometimes, you will be able to give the person what they want, and sometimes not. And in that case, they might decide to settle for what you can offer or decide that they really need that and thus leave. But in the end, this is the best outcome for everyone involved, because keeping someone by your side for you own happiness, even though they are miserable and unfulfilled is just cruel and selfish and the total opposite of love.
@@ottifantiwaalkes9289 Alas, that is about as easy to explain as colors to a color blind person!
If you by now don't know these things, you might find some improvement under the guidance of a skilled psychologist.
Start by looking for videos and books on the topic.
You'll never be good at it, but you might get around in the world better.
Rule of thumb, but very grossly, would be, that if you would be on the receiving end of certain behavior, would you then appreciate it? Or would you feel uncomfortable, or even rejected or humiliated?
But women feel things quite differently then men, usually.
Empahty enables you to feel with the other person. So, if another person is genuinely happy, you are happy for and with them. And when another person is scared, you'd feel the want to do something about the cause of the fear. If someone is crying, you'd want to comfort the person and reassure the person, that she's not alone and that together we will get through.
If someone is bereft, empathy knows when to just hold a hand and say how awful it is and just be there, reaching out handkerchiefs.
It's a matter of a kind and good heart, that genuinely desires to see love, joy and peace in the world and will most certainly do its part to help achieve that more.
It even works towards animals: when you see an animal in danger, you immediately come to its aid. Anyone indifferent lacks a proper amount of empathy.
@gardenjoy5223 I think the depth of the hurt I caused i will actually never know nor understand. There are many other factors involved here. Even if I had a chance, the level of hurt and actual tolerance is different for each person. If a person expresses very deep hurt 8-10, but it perhaps is on a 1-3 for most other people. The person is hurt very easy. I would not be willing to walk on eggshells.
Some people do not mind the hurt so much some others do. Some people understand my perhaps hurt of 1-3 is taken as a 10. I think you have simplified the whole thing outside of actual reality. We all live in a relativ world.
Unfortunately, just like it takes two to tango it takes two to repair. I don’t know about the past “quality” idea in the video. Once a person (typically the woman) gets something into their head then past benefits and sacrifices typically mean little to nothing.
You are likely referring to a woman traumatized now with ptsd.
Woman keep score
You obviously think you know better than John Gottman since you are contradicting what he's saying. You should start a podcast where you're correcting his mistakes. Wouldn't want people to blindly believe him just because he is a respected researcher and has decades of experience behind what he's saying.
@@BabyPrincess687 he has a point of view and so have i. As long as people think the female is known to be and bring chaos. A person that can turn a compliment into an argument....
As much as he suggests we do this or that he does seem to not consider how well it works for him. Meaning. See I would not want to walk in his broken in and now very comfortable shoes for I have already done the same and do have very comfortable shoes myself. He seems to suggest that his shoes will fit all.
@@BabyPrincess687 and no I should not at all do what you say I should do. I really should do what I think I should do.
BS. Women operate on "what have you done for me lately". There is only a very small or even no bank of "emotional credit" that a woman will give a man.
What do you mean.
Stereotyping much?
@@gardenjoy5223 Its only a stereotype due to the underlying truth.
@@neohermitist Sure glad I don't live in your hood.
@@neohermitist BS.
American Man: Get a passport. Stop wasting time on nonsense.