"he's so smart. If only he would apply himself" 😢 no single phrase, repeated year after year, has been more damaging to me than anything else in my nearly 40 years on this earth. Nobody ever understood how hard I was trying and how much I hated myself for it. It was the foundation for a lifetime of undiagnosed depression discovered in my mid 30s. To anyone out there who resonates with this, please, be kind to yourself. Please don't hate yourself. Please show yourself love, and if you don't know how, make it your number one priority. If you can't do that, it will cost you so much... It will cost you job opportunities, relationship opportunities, family opportunities... So please, learn to show yourself kindness and acceptance and become your own advocate. I know it can't be helped, but, I never want anyone to suffer a lifetime of self-hatred and perceived worthlessness the way that I did. Please take good care of yourselves my friends
i hear this phase all the time aswell. getting into meditation and psychedelics has kinda healed my "your not enough" expectations and pressure from family are always there tho. Even tho I dont feel like I'm even close to depression, I feel mentally well when i watch these kind of videos. the only problem is I literally havent "done" anything yet. career wise, i hate working for other people and studying something i didnt choose myself. like i can study stuff by watching videos and reading. for example blockchain. but i hate studying for university because it tells me what to learn and gets tested. I also dont want to work my life in a job. i kinda feel like i need alot of time to properly relax and come to the end of thought. so basically I am not struggling with depression because i think I healed myself with self love from discovering psychedelics and meditation. (also my dog gave me unconditional love which helps alot) but im still stuggling with actually acting and "doing something with my life" which im getting greatly pressured by family etc. "hes so smart. but doesnt do anything with it"
That's been so painful. "If only you'd try! You have so many gifts, and you are letting them go to waste" 😢 I believed it, even though at the same time I knew I was trying almost as hard as I could almost all the time, and at the same time was a completely disappointing slacker who doesn't really deserve to take up space and resources that should go to more deserving people. Finally I decided to just camouflage, I decided on a grade range that would satisfy my parents without the teachers giving me extra pressure (80-84%) and I leaned into the "hey, my sister's the go getter, not me." She was the one who skipped a grade, held down a job or two at every moment, kept in touch with all friends, was the planner of every group, always knew the rules and times and how things worked. (And now she's also been diagnosed with ADHD, poor thing must have been a pressure cooker inside! I mean, she was, but now it makes more sense why) Meanwhile, I drifted along with acquaintances instead of friends, except my sister whom I loved fiercely and did not hide from, hanging out with my dog, spending time with my grandma, generally being somewhat useless but loving and pleasant, and quite the clown. I got married right out of school, and have continued to think of myself as "not the sharpest knife in the drawer, and more of a nice-to-have rather than an essential, but I'm upbeat and chill". Apathy and "what will be, will be. Is it really worth it in the long run?" were my protection. Becoming a mother woke me up. Now I had a passionate interest and could not bear to fail my children. The thought of damaging them was completely terrifying and anything around child rearing came with a strong motivation that I'd never experienced before. I became generally more "real", and made friends and became more like myself. Then I got diagnosed after my oldest did, and with meds and therapy I hardly recognize myself. I'm having to reconstruct my identity. It's exciting, but so very complicated.
For me as I was growing up and especially in my late teens and early 20s it was "If you could just unlock whatever is stuck in you, you'll be unstoppable." Even for as well as I excelled, there was something not right and people around me knew it but didn't know what. I wasn't organized. I was forgetful. I procrastinated constantly. Eventually I took that as "I'm just unorganized and lazy and have a bad work ethic and just suck." But as hard as I tried to fix it, I couldn't nail anything down and so shame compounded.
What’s fun is when you use all your coping skills, your calendars, your to-do list, organizing your work area and tools… and then get told at work that you need to “be more flexible”, “stop overthinking”, “stop making more work for yourself by writing everything down”.
Id bet neurotypical people switch jobs at that point or point it as abuse... at least thats how bad relationships work. If it is your dumb colleagues who often have problems too, as they could coast along in life to worklife without problems, but then things got hard, but if it is supervisor, then over time need to cope with it or switch to elsewhere. While advice could work, I consider ignorant oneliners like that abusive. I get someone closeone who can argue why they said so well, it will be different. Up to your judgement if those people have potential and will to understand or do they just want to stay far from you.
Or when you request more flexibility because you know your coping mechanisms work well for you, and you are trying to increase your productivity through your own personal methods, but you're instead told you need to just "learn how to focus".
i do wish he’d talk more on inattentive adhd in women. i wasn’t diagnosed until i moved out and was living on my own at 24. i excelled massively in school and university, and was well-liked by my peers. I sucked at house work, chores, self-care habits. i still struggle with the idea that i’m “lazy” and a complete failure of an adult. the house chores and self-care habits were the sticking point, because as a woman i was expected to be good at that. and i’m just. not.
Me too, I was a hyper kid but I was very good at school , did not paid attention a lot but was able to read someone else’s notes before the test and get better grades than my peers, I could write an essay the night before instead of little by little as we were supposed to… up until university when I had to deal with more responsibilities , different schedules and teachers and different peers in every class, even then I was just told to apply myself and stop being lazy… I was socially awkward unlike you, and I still struggle with chores and self care habits … I became just hyper in my mind (instead of also physically) by my teens and I got diagnosed in my late 30s and I hate that most people still Don’t believe in ADHD 🤦♀️ specially in women
This hits hard- I have inattentive as my subtype and I've constantly heard my whole life: "Dude you're the smartest dumb person I've ever met." I could pass tests. I could say all the right things. Heck, I've got my BA and now I've got a whole career in social work. Yet, the lack of copping mechanisms for my home life has knee capped me for years. At the moment, the main saving grace I've got are the people in my life. I just signed a lease with three close homies on a four bedroom house in my hometown. While I understand I need to build the skill set to be more self-sufficient, I've found that surrounding myself with reliable, caring, and loving people has made a huge difference. As a cisgendered man I was raised with certain expectations regarding how individualistic I ought to be. I'm sure there will be folks who think I'm too reliant on the homies- but from my perspective its a testament to my own ability to foster strong community ties that I even have homies in the first place, let alone ones who help me clean and do the laundry. The last few years have taught me that compassion is a super-power, and that so many of us really are stronger together. I'm 30, and the honest to god truth is that without my support system I'd never have made it this far. So whether you call it a family, a church, or a commune- find your community, find your tribe, and build it up. Work on yourself, of course, but if you can find folks you trust and can deal with for more than ten minutes, don't be afraid to honestly talk to them about a collective living situation. We all have work todo to become the people we want to be- but we don't have to carry those burdens alone. ADHD can sometimes feel like a curse, but when you have folks willing to help you do the dishes and pay the rent, you start feeling less broken and more whole - like you're worthy of the support you receive. You're worth it and always have been. But, with the right friends it starts being a lot easier to feel like you're finally enough. Love and Solidarity - Peace.
SAME! I was an honor roll student all through school, but that was just because I was good at cramming for tests and doing homework on the bus to school. I couldn't pay attention in class though and ended up dropping out of college because I couldn't stick with a degree program. Now I'm 38 with no degree in an entry level job. My life is more stable now, but I don't know how to get past the overwhelm to move forward in life.
ADHD is having Red Queen syndrome, a reference to Through The Looking Glass. “Now here it takes all the running you can do to stay in the same place. If you want to go somewhere else you must run at least twice as fast as that.” This was a fantastic video to watch… it may serve as a reminder to be gentler on myself
4:50 I think in addition to compensatory mechanisms, many kids with ADHD don't get diagnosed because their parents and teachers constantly keep track of things for them and remind them of things, which in turn hides issues. Only after becoming an adult, with no one to hold you accountable, does ADHD start to reveal itself.
Yeah I definitely feel that. Like I can do things somewhat consistently because I just follow my parents to do those things, but the days when I’m alone, I can’t do anything, like I forget to eat or do other things I was supposed to until it’s too late. That’s why I’m kinda scared to live alone.
It could also be the other way around too tho. Because teachers and parents often schedule for them, the skills required for planning never develop in turn causing these ADHD like symptoms which are actually just undeveloped skillsets
As a former kid with an older generation of parent, some just don’t believe any of this stuff to begin with and just try to muscle their way through it
My favorite line when recently trying to explain adhd to my dad "everyone has that, you are not special, you just need to focus" The world seems to think adhd isnt real and we make it our personality
If they say this, I highly recommend trying to question back by saying "But dad/mom... that's not supposed to be normal..." explaining their life and turn your enemy into your ally. I am 100% positive your parents will feign ignorance on the matter but I know 100% for sure they'll start to listen the moment they hear you talk about their life failings and say *"It wasn't your fault"*
Same ADHD timeline for me. A bit older. And now I am burnt out just as this post describes. The problem is, "life" is becoming the deadline. I want to make something of myself and am constantly filling any void with self inflicted pressure. Need to produce something of value. Need to improve in my professional field. Need to find my calling. Need to get in shape. Need to establish a lasting relationship. Yet... All effort feels like tires spinning in the mud. Sitting still feels like sinking.
You are not alone. I have everything I thought I would want to be happy. A loving wife, a successful career, a beautiful home. Yet I have driven myself into the ground by running from feelings of depression and struggles with ADHD. I am burned out.
@@nateroth892 It is bittersweet to know that I am not alone in this particular struggle. Perhaps we are alike in this pattern as well : Occasionally, I'll have all the hype, energy, and motivation in the world. I'll organize my life and set move toward meaningful goals. And then, 'something' will happen. And in retrospect I'll have no idea where that energy came from or went.
I've tried the "doing stuff" part, I kept a work journal for the first half of this year and it felt great, and I was hyper focused on it, I got a nice dotted journal, a nice pen, worked on my handwriting, looked up journal templates watched hours of journaling videos online and now I haven't touched it since April. I remember how nice it felt, how satisfied I was when I was remembering things and being on time for shit a month in advance. The never ending "If I had just kept doing x, I would be so good at it by now" really is getting to me. Undiagnosed and seeing a psychiatrist in January (earliest they have a spot).
All of this resonates very strongly with me, but there's one specific element that went unmentioned. In my experience with ADHD, and I believe many others, we adapt to subconsciously motivate and focus ourselves using adrenaline (through stress). Even hour for hour, the 4 hours that we spent on homework is more exhausting because it is filled with us subconsciously, but deliberately, raising our stress level, because we have learned that by doing so the adrenaline will help us focus, for the same reason that many of us work best right at the time of a deadline. Meditation, which I'm so glad that you advocate so heavily for, has brought this into my awareness and made me able to much better notice not only that I am doing this, but all of the ways in which it affects my state of mind and my life at large. It works, but it's costly.
So true. Adrenaline is the only thing that gets us going. For example, I had a play to attend with a friend. You can blame it on “time blindness,” but I departed for my trip much later than I could’ve so then my adrenaline is activated as I literally “race against time” speeding down the highway. Backtrack to 2022 when I developed full-blown adrenal fatigue from living on adrenaline, and I couldn’t even drive more than 40 m.p.h. without my cortisol levels being triggered and feeling light-headed. ADHD is literally and metaphorically a “wild ride.”
Meditation is medicine as is knowledge shared experiences, not pushing to "burnout", meaningful job & relationships, even with dog. My thing is massage, nature meditation, steam /sauna s & cold therapy.& access to medication in Northern clown World. Jokes about said issues with fellow ADHD 's. Establishing hard boundaries, work adaptions, new creative interests... As outliers we have out own way of being, herd animals we are not!!!!! 😜👍
That sentence fucking haunts me. My mom would sit me down for these heart-felt conversations about how I "was better than my recent behavior" or "too smart to waste my potential." Meanwhile, I'm sitting there feeling guilty and trying to remember why I didn't do my homework or why I was angry enough to yell at my teacher.😅
Tell me about it. I and my parents were told that SO many times. And "you have so much potential", "if only you'd pay attention"... Yet no one bothered to even consider that I might have ADHD, because I could ace all my tests without doing all the homework, not paying attention in class, and because I was a GIRL. Back in the 70s, "only little boys get ADHD" was the hardcore prevailing wisdom. I finally got diagnosed when I was 50, that was 3 years ago almost to the day.
I think my problem with ADHD is just that I flip between interests every few months, making it difficult to actually become highly skilled as quick as I need or want.
I have 4 core hobbies/interests that go on rotation (unpredictable of course) singing, dancing, writing and art and then intermediary ones of general area interests. Almost all of which do not lead to careers or help in the job market. So I feel ya.
@@vixxcelacea2778some of the hobbies or interests I have could potentially become something to make money on, but I have no idea where to start. So i don't mainly because my mind gets cluttered with other s**t
I found to take advantage of this, over time you will become pretty good at alot of different unrelated skills. Which I would argue is much more useful than being the master of one skill. ADHD is a feature, not a flaw.
I'm so glad I crashed and burned at 20, rather than 26. I'm turning my life around, turning 24 later this month, and I've never been better. Having ADHD+Autism makes my life kinda miserable: I crave a stability that I'm unable to maintain, but it got better over the years. For everyone who struggles with neurodivergence reading this: Figure out how YOU are wired. Don't try to copy the neurotypical playbook, it will only hinder you further. I'll take myself as an example: I learned to study at 20 after I realized something weird: I study better if I speed things up and do harder exercises. Before that point, I was trying to slow down, take things easy, and my productivity was HORRIBLE. Once I realized this, it skyrocketed. It gets better, you just gotta figure out what works for YOU, not somebody else.
Harder exercises? In going to check it, but yes, they're more engaging in some way; nad you are doing previous steps and using logic instead of focus. That might be the key!
Could you elaborate more on your findings! I jumped on my sofa when I read that. I also can recall similiar experience but also if something is hard it shows me how lost and misarable and „stupid” I am. How do you deal with that?
Definitely agree and recommend doing stuff and seeing what works for you. Sounds like I may be similar, I recently realized I am a big picture guy, when I was doing my best I was always focused on the big task at hand and would jot down notes on how to get there. At a point I fell into a spiral and came out thinking breaking everything thing down was the easier way to do things and gave me a nice easy checklist to work on, but I think in reality it just gave me a never ending list of the things to do that just overwhelmed me and made me feel like I wasn’t making much progress
As another example I feel like my brain works in the opposite way. I have to start with the easier tasks and once I feel successful after completing them I'm ready to go for the harder stuff
ADHD can really be devastating for some people. I was diagnosed at 25, and during the first 3-5 years of the treatment, it felt like I was playing in GodMode. I've achieved in 5 years what I didn't expect to achieve in decades. However, another 3-5 years after, and I'm having similar problems as I had before starting the treatment, and maybe even a little bit frustrated to know how far I was able to go just by being able to focus, and now seeing this "skill" slowly vanishing again. Anyway, I think there are a few more mechanisms that can contribute to that exhaustion (just my personal opinion - I haven't done absolutelly no rigorous research on that): - Sleep: it's HARD to have good nights of sleep when your head just won't stop thinking about random stuff all the time
- Short, but very intense, periods of hyperfocus in some specific activity/idea. A few days/weeks obsessing about some "great idea that will change the world" - just to give up for no apparent reason - take a huge toll on your energy levels - Even if the effort on specific tasks (school, work, etc) is not necessarily so much greater than "regular" people, maybe (NO RESEARCH DONE!!) the total energy spent by those random, messy, disordered thoughts might actually be greater. So, not only intelectually intensive tasks consume more energy, but maybe the "stand-by" energy consumption is also higher. Well, good to see people recognizing this as an actual problem, and not just "lazyness". 🤣🤣
I get what you mean… I suffer from insomnia since I can remember and I also tend to use hyper focus as a catch up to my schoolwork, chores, and now work to do’s etc … I was able to kind of manage this for years , but I got into a point where I sleep even less during the week, so I am tired all day , so I can’t focus, even less than usual… as if I am burned out … so I now rarely get that needed hyper focus and I am so behind everything at work and personal life etc . And yet on weekends I could just sleep all day if you let me cause I feel so drained out of energy … then the cycle starts every Monday
Idk if it works for everyone but on the contrary, my way to find sleep is by letting myself overthink about random stuff and to let the flow make me forget about my own body. When i achieved this state, my tought start to become half dream half tought and it's a matter of time before i fell asleep. (Sry for spelling i'm not an english speaker). Really the key for me is to forget about my own body.
For me just having to force myself to work event though I do not have the motivation for it aka Dopamin is draining. For me work is fun if I see people at the workplace. Working alone during holidays for example is extremely draining for me. In my case work has to be fun and social in order to not drain my energy as much. But since covid the workplace environment is very draining for me. Trying now medication as I cannot set up my work environment anymore the way I would need it. But with tinnitus it is really hard to find a medication that does not worsen it :(.
Wow, this had me in tears by the end. I got diagnosed in high school and I remember feeling fatigued a lot. When I would say “I’m tired” people would tell me “You always say that, you’re just lazy.” Eventually I started to think that living in a state of exhaustion was normal. I felt like you had the to earn the right to be tired and I would never be able to do enough get there. I wish 16 year old me could have seen this video.
Dude, I can absolutely relate to that. But it was not just with „being tired“. It was about restlessness, horrible sleep, the constant chaos, being unreliable, and being not on time. I tried and tried and tried to improve upon these things, build good habits as example but nothing helped. I always ended up in the same cycle, not keeping up with these habits and falling into the same patterns again. People thought, I was just „being lazy“ or was „smoking too much weed“, and eventually I believed that shit myself and it became who I am, because I had no other explanation than to blame myself for that. And that caused something like a chain reaction, developing even further issues, that heavily fucked with my selfworth/image. Now I know better, now i‘m on medication and suddenly everything makes sense. But it was a wild ride.
@Josh-qw5wd I’m so sorry you are in that situation and I pray that your parents will come around to supporting you. My parents actually were the ones who ended up getting me diagnosed so I can’t speak to your situation specifically. If you have a teacher or school counselor who you trust maybe talking to them about it could help? Sometimes parents are more open to looking into diagnosis if another adult “authority figure” is supportive. This may not work for your situation but please know that you’re not alone and don’t give up☺️
I was diagnosed with ADHD in my 70s. It explained SO much about my life, up to that point. A prescription for amphetamine salts (aka generic Adderall) has given me a couple of hours of productivity each day, but by now I've set myself up for a constant state of overwhelm. VERY important tasks hang over me, while I sit in my recliner bingeing UA-cam vids. This segment is pure gold. It should be required viewing for my (three) friends who just. don't. 'get me', and will NOT listen to my description of what my life is like. "Behind in life". I need that on a tee-shirt!
I wish I could've at least tried medication but I self reported that I drank too much a single time on my 21st birthday and it's permanently in my medical records now that I have a substance abuse problem. I'm basically never taken seriously anymore and if I'm in pain, like after a surgery, I have to wait for my drug test to come back before they even think about helping me. I actually lost a great deal of lung function and have stage 3a kidney disease because doctors didn't take me seriously for 2 years while my own immune system was attacking me. All because I drank a little too much on my 21st (didnt even puke, just felt i did and wanted to answer truthfully)
@@stevy2 Is there any way to remove it from your medical card? It’s absolute nonsense that it’s there in the first place for such a silly reason - but now it actually endangers (and actually harmed) your health & quality of life. There must be something that can be done to remove it from you record - especially considering that there has never been any actual proof of you having those issues (like drg test, etc).
I got emotional when you mentioned how even as a young child, if you have adhd you likely won't be invited to birthday parties. I remember struggling a lot with emotional dysregulation as a child, and basically all my friends parents decided their kids can't invite me to birthday parties. I remember realizing nobody liked me.
Geee, I remember how little control I had over my emotions in birthdays when I was about 6 years old and younger. I never was diagnosed with ADHD but the more I hear about it the more it makes sense. Another issue was the fact I was a 3month early pre-born. I had no physical contact to my mum for almost a whole month and that produced huge abandonment issues. So every time some other kid was celebrated for their birthday I would start crying and felt like I didn't mean anything and everyone would abandon me. I understood back then my reaction was wrong but I couldn't help it.
I was just passively listening to this and when he started talking about ADHD in school and the parent conferences I just broke down and cried. Like something clicked and I had an explanation for what ive felt all my life.
It’s a good idea to get a sleep study done - talk to your dentist. A lot of people with ADHD actually have a sleep disorder like UARS or sleep apnea that is preventing them from getting refreshing sleep at night. You can get an appliance to widen your palate and help you breathe better and sleep better. I realized that I felt so tired and spaced out all the time because my body was panicking and feeling like it was about to die every night. 😮
I have deleted my alarms twice now due to my alarm app being filled completely with new alarms. I just hold the home button on my phone and say "set an alarm called laundry for 1.5 hours." Then I go play video games until my laundry is done. I don't have to remember. My phone will for me
"I need to play the hand I am dealt instead of copycatting neurotypicals" that's such a valuable insight, and it takes building your confidence and letting go of the self blame to actually accept it/realize it. at least that's what it's taking for me.
This. I started doing this a few years ago, and my life got so much better. Life is way less stressful when you work with your brain, rather than against it.
This is such a foreign concept to my brain, I've never considered trying to be satisfied with doing the most that I'm personally capable of instead of trying and failing to be as productive as a non ADHD person is every day...
This is how I feel at my job, I work alone most of the day at a care home with carers who do 12 hr shifts like 5 in a row. I do 8 hrs 3 days a week gardening and I am absolutely dead. I struggle to keep working once i hit my "wall" but because the other people i work with do so much I keep trying which just makes me more frustrated and angry to the point now where I just go and ask my boss if I can go home otherwise I have a mini breakdown sometimes even cry. Its hard.... Im lucky that they let me and they understand even without an official diagnosis @@webbedshadow2601
I haven't been diagnosed for ADHD, mostly because mental health is still not 'real' in my country (Kenya) and most of Africa. But damn, I fit the description.
For me it wasn't real when I was young and, despite it being the most common disorders on Earth, no psychiatrist here wants do diagnoze adults with it. I fit every description perfectly and some doctors I talked to straight up tell me that I probably have it but I won't get the diagnosis so I can't really get the help I need. I've even been thinking about just bribing someone to at least TRY to diagnose me. I'm fine with being told I don't have it but they won't even do that
I feel for you. I grew up in America in the 90s and back then ADHD wasn't widely accepted here either, even by my own parents. It was hell, and I failed out of university and lost my job trying to get by without treatment before I finally received a diagnosis when I was almost thirty. I truly hope things change for you in Kenya and you won't have to wait as long.
@@imonymous What did you precisely do to overcome ADHD ? I'm in late 20's & had same life experience as you stated, but I'm still stuck. Its kind of Taboo to discuss mental health in my country ( India ) especially for men. If you could share what helped you, it would be life saving.
I fit the description well too, I live in a relatively small Turkish city so mental health isn't really taken seriously here either but it seems to got better in the last couple of years. I want to see a psychiatrist about this and depression, but I am not sure if some ADHD symptoms are just caused by depression
As a person with ADHD I always struggle to focus during these videos, even if they are very helpful. That's why for others, I have made a list from the 'What can we do about it?' section of this video: 1. Learn to organise. Doctor doesn't say exact tips of how to do it but says what can help: - psychotherapy and/or medication -> both have a similar impact on ADHD but psychotherapy effects last for longer; - for projects, look for all the materials you need at the start and try to have them in one place, so you won't search later and get distracted. 2. Boost your self esteem - treat yourself better then your trauma makes you feel like you are. Once again, he recommends psychotherapy or the Guide mentioned in the description.
Holy crap. That 3 hour limit rings true. After that point my brain starts melting and I start either infodumping, talking over others, or just disengage from conversation. It's probably my biggest reason for anxiety because I can't trust myself to interact properly at that point.
Yeah, that was an eye opener for me too. I was always down on myself for being exhausted after two hours. At work and school it was torture to stay a whole morning, never mind a day and I went 50 years without knowing why, hating myself for it. So appreciate these videos Dr, you are great at explaining how adhd actually plays out in peoples lives.
It sounds partly like a masking thing too imo. I can't stand being around people I have to put on a show for for more than around 3 hours. But with ones who are like me or those who won't treat me as less for not doing social shit the 'right way', I can spend forever with them
I have ADHD and always been pretty self-aware. Learned a lot of the stuff psychotherapy taught me on my own. My life was a mess so eventually I turned to a calendar. I couldn't remember stuff so I started writing it down. Counseling and therapy helped too. But nothing has given me the consistency from day to day that medication has. Writing stuff down EVERY DAY. Doing chores EVERY DAY. Personal hygiene EVERY DAY. Without meds these things will start and stop after a few days of trying. No matter how many calendars or to-do lists are present.
@@moveback7913 Yes I meditate. For me at the moment the medication has given me what therapy and counseling can't, and vice versa. Maybe one day I'll be in a place where I don't need the medication. Been on Vyvanse for about 8 months now, got diagnosed about a year ago. It's been absolutely life-changing. Therapist and counsellor tell me I have responded extremely well to meds which is not always the case
Oh, I have the same problem, one day that takes too much of my energy and I have to start back again. Falling back a bit every day when I don't have enough energy to do everything I should will stop me too. Either way, there's work that's not done, it stacks up and I dread it, which makes it harder to start again. Tried some coping skills, but no medication yet. What are you on?
I went down the medication route age 16-28. I am now 33 and have been off medication with help from obsessive exercise. I Still feel like medication was the only thing that “snapped the switch on” but the side effects I had and my sacrificing my health was not worth it to me. Still struggling, still won’t go back on meds, where is the answer? Looking in here for now.
I'm 39 and still riding that gifted-kid-to-failed-adult ADHD train CHOO CHOO! But seriously Doc, thanks for everything that you do. And for so clearly laying out the double whammy of ADHD: 1) falling behind due to brain difference 2) feeling that your difficulty is the result of a character flaw or moral failure. I am planning to get the Dr. K's guide. I think about the title of one of your videos "Self-Esteem is the Raid Boss" regularly because as you say in this video once you believe in yourself it changes the way you look at the world.
Thank you for this! I just got diagnosed last month at 43 years old. I had a lot of systems in place, calendars, and I spent a LOT of time staying organized. My husband was wondering why I had all these self imposed ‘rules’ in place and why I was so hard on myself and why I had to be so disciplined. It turns out it was all there to manage adhd. The systems started failing with kids, a job, the pandemic, homeschooling, a household to maintain, lack of childcare, perimenopause, and it all started to fall apart. I was trying so hard and failing so much and I felt the way I did when I was a teen again. So I got help and it turns out, this whole time it was adhd. I remember spending 4 hours on a one hour assignment in college. I spent an hour getting rid of all of the distractions first before starting the assignment and spending another hour just trying to focus. And I had to work out out so much just to settle my mind and body. It’s exhausting and the whole time it was undiagnosed adhd.
Your comment reminded me of my uni studies. I had troubles focusing on the books, but I am a perfectionist, so I needed to learn as well as possible, so I figured out, that I needed to do something with my hands (crafts, like embroider or knit), so that one part of my brain was focused on that, the other on the studying and so there was a better chance the thoughts will not wander as much as without the crafting part. But it really all got more problematic with job, kids, household and having to track everything around me, especially for all the family members as well, so I usually feel exhausted and don’t accomplish anything beyond the necessary.
I relate to this so hard. I was top of my class in school, but I felt like everyone around me was a year or two ahead of me socially and with their internships and careers. My friends were out partying and I was standing in front of a mound of clothes trying to get myself to do my laundry. Raw IQ stops being a get-out-of jail free card once you become an adult.
Close to the same. I was always able to stand at the same intellectual level as the valedictorians but I myself could not turn in homework. But I feel the social part. I was halfway through highschool, age 15, before I even realized there were girls around me and some of them had tried to ask me out prior. By junior year it was kind of late. Everyone seemed to have found a relationship and I was just trying to figure out how to try and start one.
Extremely relatable to me. The only major difference is that I developed "make everything perfect or don't even start" mentality, the reasons are likely being: my school was very strict, so 99% score would often net a B-mark and 70% could already be F; some teachers were lowering my scores on top of that because "the child is smart but isn't trying hard enough" and my parents constantly reminding me that with my smarts I should be the best. This made me prone to skip doing my homework a lot, because if I expect to get another F anyway, I'd rather play some games or go for a walk than waste half of my day and still get a crappy score. This tendency keeps haunting me to this day, and even I've been aware of it for years, it's really hard to get rid of old habits, especially if they got earned in the childhood.
my school wasnt strict, part of my family was strict tho. and i have the exact same "make everything perfect or don't even start" mentality. dont know if its the strictness or if thats just an adhd thing.
Ah, yes. I heard "If you aren't going to finish it/do it right, why did you even start?" SOOO much as a kid (said in a really nasty tone of voice implying laziness) that I still have issues leaving things undone, or starting things that I can't do "right." "Right" means scrubbing the floor on hands and knees, scrubbing the bathtub thoroughly, fully researching every little thing for that paper... As a consequence, my house is a mess (I don't have time to finish cleaning the kitchen, so I just take care of the dishes as becomes absolutely necessary) and progress on my Master's thesis is less than I'd like. (I haven't fully read the 150+ references I've collected so far. There might be something vital in part of what I haven't read!) It's HARD. Guilt builds up because I haven't done the thing, but I don't have time to do it, and I'm struggling. The only thing that helps me a lot is timers. There's no way any reasonable person can expect to clean the entire kitchen in ten minutes, so setting a timer for a *really* short time means I don't feel bad if I don't get the job done in that amount of time.
Ive started to realize more and more, as parents and siblings have severe ADHD symptoms and as consequences of all that follows, depression is rampant. So need to deliberately steer towards group who dont take things seriously, to avoid that stuck to not start trap. So in that way university wasnt good for me, raising those limits and potential of F too high, despite intellectually could follow lot of topics but that just aint good enough when there is metric to fail or pass and life depends on it.
@@moveback7913I think overfocus in ADHD makes that perfection but it turns flipside when mood and focus is bad and should do exact same thing but cant and that drives to some sort of gambling with yourself in daily things, trying them over and over obsessing why this is different now than last week, distracting.... and closeby people pressure is sure to make this worse, putting even more focus on this aspect.
Every single relationship I've ever had ended because I was too exhausted to fulfill my partner's needs due to ADHD. The depression and ADHD just fed into each other and I'd crash from cortisol over reliance all the time.
I am very sorry. And also: Maybe next time you also need to re-negotiate what a doable middle ground actually looks like. Cause it's invisible. Aka people may eventually understand what they are getting into, when a person is missing libs. Even then, people are absolutely prone to underestimate what a workload results from bad compatibility with "people's assumptions on how ppl function". The environment is literally not considering them. And with ADHD, things are very invisible until they are "problems". This means, you need to take the time to talk with them what you can and cannot accommodate at the moment. You need a person who's actually willing to figure out the middle ground with you AND which of their needs qualify as "easy or hard" to accommodate for you! You will also want to introduce re-thinking and re-evaluation into relationships! Aka: Check in what needs currently must be met and don't just run with that. - Which needs can be supplied externally? - Which needs can be reduced (aka must you clean up more OR must you have less that needs cleaning up?) - Which needs are personal responsibilities and which are shared ones? Aka sometimes things that are needed, do not actually need to be attended to together and it doesn't mean you lack care for each other. A lot of re-framing can be done. Block time for psychological, emotional and relationship hygiene, like you do for anything else you do for sustenance! That said: being and not being in romantic relationships are quite equal states of being. With all the pros and cons. So I hope you can make yourself as comfortable as possible, no matter which it currently is.
Hyperfocussing on your relationship at the start also sets you up to fail down the line when that focus and the attention + cute actions (like surprise breakfast in bed etc) all fades away almost overnight. ADHD has quite the influence on your relationships in more ways than you'd expect.
Stress is the only way I know how to motivate myself to get anything done. So I resonate with the cortisol bit. It’s an exhausting way to live. I do nothing fun, I hardly ever go out, and I’m too exhausted to see friends (so eventually they drift away). My therapist told me to just “accept yourself for who you are”. But I’m pretty sure my boss and my bank aren’t going to accept that as a reason why I’m always late for work or in my overdraft….
"He's so smart. If only he would apply himself" really hit me, it's literally on every end of year report card from my time in secondary school, it's done such a number on my self esteem that I really just thought I was actually stupid for a huge portion of my life. Even now, knowing what I know about ADHD, I just can't seem to let that feeling go and it makes me really defensive and lash out when other point out mistakes or when I've done something wrong. Shit sucks. Thank you for making these, it's putting a spotlight on a lot of things for me.
Mine shows up on the conduct grade.... "well behaved but talks too much " lol, it was the 80s, early 90s, I still have the little cardboard cards and those hand written comments....
What I’ve been told is “you’re not stupid, you’re just lazy”(translated) basically the same thing word for word from every teacher, sometimes even my parents.
the amount of times I've heard "she's so smart BUT so forgetful/messy/naughty/lazy" I started crying when he said that lmao (I'm 21 with no formal diagnosis waiting for a therapist appointment and hoping to finally start getting my life together)
Same here, after decades of waiting, finally managed to make an appointment to a potential specialist. Let's see how adhd-related things are going on here, in Ukraine.
Literally. I got tired of being called "lazy" when I was trying that I at this point just kinda gave into being lazy... thanks dad I know you can but tough love doesnt always work...
@@parisberry1623 I've been in therapy for a couple of months now every 2 weeks or so, honestly it's messy and I feel like my life is kind of unraveling and unstable, but I trust that eventually it's going to weave back together the right way ♡ Good luck on your journey
My parents literally used to say "if we can't see you trying hard, then you're not trying hard enough", when in fact, what i was showing to them IS the hardest im trying, and despite getting medical treatment and therapy (both me and my parents), i still gaslit myself "why would i try my best, if my best won't come close to everyone else's?" And watch youtube on the job. Yes, i know im wrong, frankly i shouldn't even be typing this right now, but i feel like that the more i grow old i have lesser control of myself.
In my late 20s and was diagnosed during medical school. The adjustment to life thing is so true. We were able to mask as kids but when things get more intense and higher pressure, the mask fails revealing our ADHD
DR. K, PLEASE invite Russell Barkley to an interview. he is retired, and active on his youtube channel. There is literally not a single person who knows more about adhd than him. I'd love to see your reach + him as an adhd expert.
This, this, this, this and this! Dr. K is great for other stuff and resources, but his advice for ADHD does nothing for me, usually and doesn't help me most the time, sadly and I sometimes feel misunderstood and invalidated. Dr. Barkley on the other hand did so much research and has so much to show that I find a lot of comfort in and where I feel understood and in good hands, kind of. Dr. Hallowell is also good, but I don't vibe with the ADHD superpower and finding good stuff in it style stuff as much and it feels like gaslighting sometimes, so yeah. Still great infos in his ADHD 2.0 books, though.
@@Chizuru94 What tools has Russell Barkley actually given you to help manage your symptoms? You've only commented on the comfort you receive from consuming his content. Personally I'm the opposite, I don't find Dr. Barkley particularly insightful and I've even felt gaslit listening to some of his positions.
Wow this is literally me! Just turned 28 and was diagnosed. School was easy but never went but passed, now as an adult getting into mundane corporate retail I started spiraling. Finally got my diagnosis on March 26 on my birthday. Was put on medication. Now I have energy just to be awake and to work like a normal human being. Can’t believe this was missed when I was a kid. Up until last week I’ve never been so tired in my life I almost gave up from exhaustion. Thank you for this validating video
Thank you. This is exactly my life lately. I've been wondering the same question about fatigue. For me, the stress ramped up in grad school and didn't stop. I was diagnosed with ADHD in mid-40s when I was an assistant professor. I also thought it was just depression. "I'm so tired" has become a mantra, particularly these last two years as I prepared for and got tenure and promotion. The hyenas are constantly at the door in this profession. Feeling lazy, misunderstood, and lonely were hallmarks of my life starting in grade school, even though I loved the way I saw the world. Getting diagnosed later in life means you have to revisit all the trauma and negative experiences that you thought you were over because you finally have a new lens through which to understand it. It's hard but I'm grateful (almost excited) to learn there was a reason for feeling/being an outcast. Knowing earlier would have save a lot of self-blame and self-loathing.
Dr. K, you're making a big difference in people's lives. As a high-functioning adult with ADHD, a lot of this advice is stuff I already knew implicitly, but to hear it explained in a clearer way than I've previously thought about is very useful. Thank you for your work!
I have been particularly good about not hating myself for being different, but even then once i found out I had adhd, I still had so much that I needed to forgive myself for. Really shows how important it is to keep working on yourself. And recognize that that extra work will take extra time our of your day but it's worth it.
You’ve just described my 4 year cycle. Every 3-4 years of trying to make a life and a home I burn out, shut down and disassociate. My life peals back to work, food, workout and sleep; nothing else, and I really do mean nothing. Nowhere feels like home because I cant put down roots. My life literally starts again after a year or so of being a robot; then its a new place, new friends, new job. Im 36 and as yet undiagnosed. I was completely unaware of what I was doing until about a year ago. I always thought I was just a bit simple, ditzy and have just floated through life like a boat without a rudder.
I can recommend dont move to new place constantly, I guess this is part of that symptom setup, mimimum comes from depression and that vicious cycle.... coz moving to new place is very straining to anyone and social relations for me are extremely slow to build due to ADHD, so while practical terms move could work, in social sense nope, I cant recover. I can see mild 4 year cycles in my life too but Im late 30s now and social life aint as butterfly smooth as when was 19-22. Nothing bad with that basic loop though, most of people I know have that and they meet relatives, friends on weekend; weeklife is very basic going to work. It is dangerous to compare to early 20s your life, which was dopamine filled for me, almost constantly new and exciting things "new start" whenever wanted, but this is more like regular life for majority of people out there. Gotta just choose and very small bits of life try to find solutions, not throw out table and start from scratch when feel it is not working. So K's therapy suggestion could work for you, how to use calendar etc and work on self esteem, to find root causes in that loop.
The burnout cycle for me is about 3 years. I’m 41 and my clinical psychologist has suggested I get a formal diagnosis for ADHD. I just did a 10-year stretch with a counsellor who constantly told me I was unconsciously choosing to find life this overwhelming. It wasn’t until I saw the psychologist that I realised something else might be going on. I’ve spent my whole life feeling like sh1t about myself for “choosing” to be like this.
@@effexon Not everybody can affor to "not move". Relationships end, you move out, you lose a job and get a new one elsewhere, you move again. Such is life. But yeah, my cycle lasts about 2,5 years, or at least that's the longest one I had so far :'D
I had a psychiatrist claim I didn't have adhd (this was a rediagnosis) because I could use schedules... like wtf... scheduling is a coping mechanism for the chaos that is my life.
same, i had a psychiatrist claim that i didn't have adhd because i actually somehow passed high school. my extreme burnout and my suicide attempt on my final year never bothered her i guess
same, but not for the reasons you think. the DSM changed, inattentive adhd doesnt exist in the system anymore, and some of the symptoms that COULD net me a diagnosis could be brushed off as Autism/anxiety/depression/etc. soooo best i can do is get an "anxiety med" that also alleviates some adhd stuff.
OMG...I'm 70 years old and I feel like my entire college and and early schooling was just described in this video. Especially, the forgetting homework and tests. I had forgotten how much I struggled. I wish this info had been available to me earlier in life. For the younger ADHDers out there, there is hope. Over time, I found some coping on my own. Dr. K is right - put a priority on being organized. Have systems for daily tasks. Don't live in disorder (this can be difficult if you live with someone who is messy or have kids). Read philosophy - I particularly learned a lot from Budhism and Stoicism. Aerobic exercise daily. Meditate. Develop a good sense of humor. Life is absurd - not everything has to be rational. Finally, watch your diet. I had a heart attack at sixty and moved to a plant-dominant diet. Cutting out sugar and other crappy foods really calmed my mind. Over time, I've also learned the value of supplements. Omega3, Magnesium and Taurine help the brain and will help you sleep after a stressful day. Vitamin D also helps the immune system. Most important, learn to accept yourself. Success is as much about what you overcome as it is about actual accomplishments. Don't compare yourself to others. Just focus on improving yourself. Finally, adopt gratitude as your attitude.
I'm watching this on lunch break at work while struggling to focus on my task at hand and it made me tear up thinking about how relatable that post is. I'm sure all of us who are affected have similar experiences, and I really hope the world can somehow be more sympathetic to our situation sometimes, but the fact is that it's just harder for ADHD people to adjust into adulthood. Dr. K, thank you for spreading awareness and providing helpful support.
I have never cried over anything as much as watching this video. Nearly 40 years of tears. I felt every bit of this so so much and I mourn for the child I was. I never even thought it was ADHD until about 3 years ago and still waiting for a diagnosis. I am trying so so hard and I hope life will be better
I'm a 31-year-old adult with the same condition. In my case, I can confirm that chronic depression is a consequence of ADHD. One thing that has always amazed me is math, for example. Even though I was quick at performing simple calculations in my mind, my short-term memory wouldn't allow me to retain various sequences of numbers that I would later need to work with. My order and sequence were a mess. Interestingly, when I had to study with an individual tutor, they could confirm that math itself wasn't hard for me, but understanding the sequences and processes was difficult. So, every time I needed to take a test, I had to rely on the rush of adrenaline at the end of the review because this fight-or-flight response helped me focus and excel on the test. Ironically, I was misunderstood as lazy because of this.
29, female here and absolutely same. It's wild to me that other people don't have this experience and how we can sometimes only begin to understand that and how they even work and function (that well) when we ourselves find the right meds and dosage (not medicated yet, but was 19 years ago, which I had to quit due to severe weight loss, ugh). Wishing the best to all of us
@@Chizuru94 for you case scenario, did you have to take the stimulant or non-stimulant one? I'm in an ongoing process to determine my type, based on the side effects.
Math isn't about memory - well, basic math is. But the kind of math you learn in university is actually more about understanding the concepts and knowing your way around certain systems. That's where cognitive abilities are very helpful. I struggled at math in school but I was able to get a bachelor's degree in computer science (including a few advanced math courses) later. Even without knowing about my ADHD. The more complex math is getting, the more you start to write down. And even calculating in your brain is a skill you can train. I was much better at doing that compared to my time in school because I wasn't so stressed out in the university environment.
I was good at math and loved it because I saw it as a puzzle and I had fun solving puzzles. I was actually on a math-letes team in elementary school, but I got made fun of because I would always count on my hands lol. (I realize now it helped me focus and lessened the load on my working memory.) To this day, I SUCK at doing mental math that requires multiple steps for this reason.
This is exactly me. I have really extreme ADHD, but I'm also really studious and dedicated otherwise. I seem like a quiet introvert to people, but it's because I'm usually very tired. I don't mind working hard, but it takes so much mental energy to keep myself focused that after a while, I just shut down after too many days in a row. Not just mentally either, some times I couldn't even get out of my bed for days because of the exhaustion I felt. It happened really bad in college, the first 2 months of a semester I'd have straight A's, study for every test, do all the homework, but during the last two months, I'd burn out and barely do some class while trying to keep up in 1 or 2 ones I really couldn't afford to fail. My brain just doesn't turn off, if I'm not doing school work, I have a hard time letting myself just rest as I'll still be trying to work on personal coding projects or learning another language for hours after class. Finding a time and place to just let myself not worry about doing things is really helpful for not letting myself shut down. I have to watch my sleep schedule very closely as I will stay up for days when I get hyper focused on something if left unchecked.
I can so relate to this. I tend to have cycles where my mind has energy and can initiate tasks, but it doesn't shut off and I can almost feel the overactivity eating up my brain energy. Then sure enough a week or so later, I burn out and can't do anything for another week or so only to start the cycle over again. Totally agree that finding time to rest and not have any obligations or things to worry about definitely does help. Just tough to balance.
@@DJ5780 having no obligations is so great for me. i saved some money through investments and live really cheap at the moment so I can basically have very few obligations and have time to chill. b
0:18: 😔 The speaker feels overwhelmed and exhausted, struggling to keep up with others and wanting to do more. 3:56: 🧠 People with ADHD require more effort to complete the same amount of work. 7:57: ⏰ Chronic stress from constant deadlines can lead to exhaustion and high cortisol levels. 12:31: 😔 Children with ADHD often feel there is something fundamentally wrong with them due to their different attention abilities. 16:14: 📚 Tips for staying organized and productive with ADHD. Recap by Tammy AI
The part about “taking 4hrs to do 1hr of work. But capable enough to create 2hrs of output from 1hr of work” Story of my goddamn life. The rare moments where 1 hr of my time actually computes to 1hr of output have been absolutely magical. I have found that activities which force you to move your body are the best for reducing distraction and maximizing output for an ADHD brain. Physical labor (especially detail oriented, skilled physical labor ie. Wood working, tile work, masonry, etc) should be sought out by all those suffering with ADHD. Avoid computers at all cost.
I have always struggled immensely with computers to the point of despising them. The only things I seem to enjoy that dont make me spiral are art and physical activities. I've always thought I was some kind of failure for lacking so much academically. I only got though school because of teachers and students helping me, but now that I have started college, I have failed everything consistently. The only class I have done well in is art. But that's not the "important" one. When I sit down in front of a computer to do classes my stomach immediately drops. I feel suffocated like I've already failed before I even start. Making myself do computer work is like forcing a finger down my throat to throw up. I tried explaining this to my mom and she told me I'm stressed because I just need to get on top of my work and I'll feel better once I get it done. But the issue is that it will never get done. It takes me hours to do something that would take someone else 30 minutes. She think I'm just being lazy. I've never been diagnosed but I just discovered the symptoms of adhd recently and everything these people struggle with are the exact things I've been struggling with my entire life. I've dealt with so much self hatred and shame because of the way my mind works. And no one has any sympathy. They just think I'm being difficult. Everyone complains about doing work and it being stressful but just one class is enough to make me have a meltdown. Every time I have gone to the computer to try and get work done I have cried. At this point, I don't think it's normal. Edit: I forgot to add that because the work gives me so much anxiety and put it off until there's a large amount of unfinished work. Then it's nearly impossible for me to finish considering how long it takes me to just do 1 assignment.
This resonates! Both the quote from the video and your experience. I’m in my mid 30s and it’s my experience too. My corporate job on the computer is such a daily uphill slog when that is not the case for so many other contexts.
I'm sobbing while I listen to this. I was like 80% sure that I have ADHD and now I'm like 100% sure. Thanks for saying all those things you said. I might not be cured. I might not achieve things I have always wanted but I'll still be kind to myself, I'll try to make up for the years of abuse I have subjected myself to, I'll try and start loving myself.
Me too. 😭 I was diagnosed a few months ago at 32, but I'm still coming to the realization just how much it has affected me throughout my life and the perception I carry of myself.
@@heartsandpulseras I got diagnosed like 6 months ago at age 32 and I sometimes have a hard time accepting it. I sometimes get the sense i was just anxious during the test or there is something else wrong with me. But then I have moments where the diagnosis makes since. And I just-it’s just all overwhelming.
@@annasaddiction5129 at this point a good therapist with experience in helping adults with ADHD is crucial. This is how I cope. Also get and ADHD coach if you can.
I thought I was unique growing up. Now I realise that this is a very common story for ppl with adhd. It's very comforting to know I'm not the only one going through this ❤
I just had my crash and burn at 20. Aerospace engineering junior year, had my first ever panic attack and just completely shut down as well as having a bunch of health issues. 6 months post the start of this mess and I’m happy to say I’ve escaped the pit of health/work anxiety. For a solid month I was convinced I was going to die. I was just waiting every day, spending time with my family because it felt like my brain was broken. I had such chronic stress that my head was throbbing every single day from the muscle tension on my head. I tried to cover the adhd with medication, which worked great for a long while, but the constant pushing finally does break you at some point. Gonna try psychotherapy instead I think, thank you dr k
I was actually diagnosed with ADHD 8 years ago. Also suffered severe depression and mental disorder. Not until my mom recommended me to psilocybin mushrooms treatment. Psilocybin treatment saved my life honestly. 4 years totally clean. Never thought I would be saying this about mushrooms.
they saved you from death bud, lets be honest here. and mushrooms are one of the most amazing things on this planet i wish people would all realize. they could solve a lot of problems, more than just mental treatments, environmental clean up; the possibilities are endless with fungus.
YES very sure of Dr.alishrooms. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
🎯 Key Takeaways for quick navigation: 00:00 🧠 People with ADHD may feel drained because it takes them more effort and time to complete tasks compared to neurotypical individuals. 02:57 📚 ADHD is often missed in childhood, and when diagnosed later in life, individuals may experience fatigue as they catch up to their peers' life progress. 08:29 💼 Chronic stress, common in ADHD individuals, can lead to fatigue and mental depletion due to the constant activation of the cortisol system. 10:14 🤔 People with ADHD may blame themselves for their exhaustion, feeling they are not doing enough, which is often a result of early negative self-perception. 15:17 🗂️ Learning organizational skills, working on confidence, and seeking therapy can help individuals with ADHD better manage their condition and thrive in life. Made with HARPA AI
That happens to me all the time. I think its a short term memory problem. I can't hold the info in my head from the beginning of a sentence until the end. So I don't know what the point is.
I am so thankful for this video. I am 29, and i just got diagnosed 8 months ago. Medicine and psychotherapy have done wonders in changing my life, but there's always this negative feedback deep within that whispers that I am not doing enough and that I am not enough. These thoughts are so intrinsic and nefarious in every aspect of my life that it sometimes feels like adhd is the excuse for everything. No friends? No energy bc of ADHD. Hyper emotional dysregulation? ADHD. Can't keep up at work? ADHD, ADHD, ADHD. I just wish that those people around would notice just how hard we're always working.
If possible, could you please explain how we can categorise this issue as ADHD, when the characteristics of the person doesn't seem to be that of a real ADHD person like hyperactiveness, inattention,memory issues and so on.
I didn’t get my diagnosis until 2 months ago, I’m 40. Since I started watching Dr. K’s videos, my entire life is beginning to make sense. I can’t believe I’ve gone this far for this long just struggling. I was also diagnosed with chronic PTSD, but before both diagnosis I would often tell my husband I was exhausted with life. The kind of exhaustion that an 85 year old person feels when they are just ready to throw in the towel. I felt so conflicted because I’m not suicidal, but always so exhausted with life. I never knew what to make of that, now I do.
I always did well in school because I taught myself when I got home. Math for me was troubling because teachers moved quick and I was still trying to process the concept from 20 mins ago. I figured it out on my own. Always.
Oh man I literally cried between 11:00 and 15:00. I’m 35 years old and I’ve never heard it put like this before. All of my life I’ve been punished and belittled (“men have a selective memory, you know”) for my memory issues. I remember vividly a teacher that had it out for me in 7th grade, often telling me and my parents that my “head is in the clouds,” and so decades later I still think about this often and repeat the same words, or worse, about myself. Thank you so much for this video, seriously.
Keep learning more about ADHD. Not only may tricks help you. But also understanding ADHD will clarify why you do the way you do and that will reduce shame. How to ADHD is a very adhd friendly channel (stimulating & clear videos) that talks all about it. Good luck
My ogre teacher was in 1st grade, and she lived in my head rent free until I was 27-EMDR and therapy helped, but she still visits from time to time. I feel you.
"I still think about this often and repeat the same words, or worse, about myself" I think this is called an Introject. Look up a negative Introject and hopefully it helps. 👍
Was just diagnosed in the last 2 weeks I have inattentive ADHD, I’m currently 36 and now I’m realising so much of my problems such as the “I’m not enough, the tiredness, the feeling of pushing a boulder uphill, depression and anxiety” this video is very helpful, thank you very much for posting it and allowing me to understand myself better
It's like you typed this out of my mind, minus the official diagnosis part. I FEEL this comment in the depths of my soul and my heart goes out to you. I've recently started looking for specialists in my area so hopefully I'll have some answers soon enough.
Just out of curiosity, what did you think of people with adhd before you were diagnosed? I'm just curious about people's perspective on adhd when "they don't have it"
@g_g... I'm 33 and started figuring out I maybe/ probably had ADHD around age 28. I've been told by professionals that I'm a classic case of it since getting an official diagnosis age 30. I didn't really think much about ADHD, didn't know enough about it. Thought about hyperactivity and extreme distractability stereotypes maybe? I didn't know what was genuinely ADHD and if it was a real medical condition or how often it was just a way to colloquially describe different personalities and being more extreme on certain scales. I thought about Stiles on Teen Wolf being kinda classic ADHD though and canon as a character with it I think. Idk. I mostly didn't think much of ADHD or know many people with it. I was only vaguely aware my cousin was medicated for it. And that was about it in terms of real life connections to it. He was a wild (very impulsive) child in some ways but also very smart and idk. I think many people in my family have ADHD but for a long time he was the only one diagnosed. So ADHD symptoms just seemed normal to me. Gilmore Girls fast talking just felt like normal speed talking to my family. Gilmore Girls is a bunch of undiagnosed ADHD women I now realize (Rory, Lorelai, Sookie, Lane, probably Paris) and at the time it never would've crossed my mind but I felt a deep affinity with the show.
I feel this so hard. It can be hard to grow up feeling like you're inadequate especially while people keep telling you that you're smart. It makes self actualization pretty difficult when it feels like everyone else can do things so much more easily. I've done what I can not to use my ADHD as an excuse not to try, but when other people see a different version of you than you do, you can't help but have that sense of inadequacy reinforced. Always appreciate the tips and insight Dr. K has to offer.
I find "being smart" abusive just like being pretty is nowadays common thing people rebel against many ways. I take lot of times "but youre so smart" actually reads "why are you difficult causing me trouble, Id expect you be pleasant invisible robot doing as told". A bit overthetop interpretation but thats how it feels, coz they are not interested in you as person but how you could perform better, like a machine.
28 years old here, got diagnosed with ADD in january-february of this year. I thought I was just fundamentally broken. I thought it was just depression, so when I felt better I went back to grind and burned out. Depression set back in. I've wasted hundreds, HUNDREDS of dollars on prozac for almost 10 years (the damn medicine isn't cheap where I live) and innumerable sessions with my psychiatrist (I was also not the best patient, give her a break, I would go back in and out of therapy periodically). We finally hit the nail in the head, because appearently we just had never talked about my childhood and how I was raised up, and some of the difficulties I had among many. I was ready to die, I didn't even finish university because now I've got this trauma with it, it was bad. But the moment I started taking the medicine and reading about this... just damn. It's such a game changer. I work now, I do martial arts now... I get it now. And 28 years is hard to rewire, but I get it now.
Id guess rewiring is possible sticking to meds, but problem can come if you have SO who also has neuronontypical problems. If ya lucky with someone non ADHD related issues, then it can go fine and they can see change, which should help in process. ADHD, bipolar and other issues make us self centered and not help at all, maybe even make it worse by accidentally projecting some stupid shit which then sticks for days, breaks self esteem and those routines... and many then stop meds (bipolar common thing) coz "they dont feel themselves and creativity".... very common thing, based just on contemporary feeling(I get this could make sense but would need calendar approach to predict problem times,seasons of year and when this is bad and so on, context spesific knowledge to apply).
I dont think i have adhd but these kinds of videos help me alot and are extreamly compassionate and understanding then the whole "just make a planner" or "he just needs to apply himself" i got from all the schools i went to
I just have to thank you so much for this video. This is EXACTLY one of the things I struggle with most. I feel like it takes so much more effort to do things than others, I feel that I could be doing better, yet it also makes me feel lazy and like I’m not doing enough and that it’s my fault. This video made me tear up, I finally don’t feel alone
I'd be interested in seeing how a dual diagnosis of ADHD and Autism changes the strategies for this. I didn't get diagnosed with ASD until last year at the tender age of 42, and it explained so many things that the ADHD part didn't cover. I feel like it's also the reason why some of the ADHD strategies that are supposed to be helpful never really panned out for me.
Yeah, autistic here too, with a partner with diagnosed ADHD. I see some similarities with them but some very different. Always curious if it's just autistic vs ADHD flavors or if I've some ADD as well
@@ValKinmanHonestly it feels like having to snakes eat each others tails. I feel like I could mask my squigglishness pretty well because I was playing in my head. Autistic Passion with ADHD Flow can really absorb your for a long period of time without draining, but only for the passion. For the boring stuff it takes even longer. Processing time is slower but putting things in a structure is easy. Sticking to said structure is the hard part. But we are creative enough to come up with a new structure. Best strategy for me is to have a flexible structure. Do these five things in the morning in any sequence you want. Stimming for emotional regulation is far more important for AuDHS people. Unregulated emotions will drain you out to burnout.
Same. I've seem people recommend having someome sit next to you at work to keep you on track. For me, that would absolutely tank my ability to do any work and make everything even more exhausting. I see how it would in theory work. But the anxiety being watched like that triggers will do more damage. I have to work from home because just existing in an open office environment is painful.
There's a term in cooking called mise en place that essentially means to get all of your ingredients measured and grouped together so they're easily reachable. Your point about calendars and coping reminded me of that.
Which is cool. But won't help with cooking when you have sensor issues from the cooking process LOL. Sometimes it's about getting your prep right. But other times, it's about ditching stuff that doesn't work for you and go for what actually does. Like being good at being with ppl who like cooking and hate when anyone meddles anyways. Or knowing your foods n devices that let you skip steps you loathe (rice cooker Mia is my beloved, cherished kitchen friend). There are many ways to take for us!
@@KxNOxUTA There are ways to reduce or even avoid sensory issues with ingredient preparation, but sadly a lot of them result in more stuff to wash up, so you may have to choose which sensations you can deal with. I personally tend to favour the “minimal dishwashing” route because that’s usually the one I can tolerate better.
Mise en place is what I thought of. I tried to work in a bakery once and it drove mad that they were running all over the kitchen to get stuff. I couldn't cut it like that. I have applied this concept to my work. Project outlines and planning is key. Layout what you need in advanced then execute. I see it also as minimizing stress and the need to think on other things. Just focus on the act
I don't have a diagnosis (at 38), but this all rang very true to me. The failing in life, the distractibility, the fact that everything takes 4x more time to get done than it should. I'm exhausted, and as another commenter mentioned, it's life that feels like the deadline. But I also live with not one but TWO full time attention seeking narcissists, and I can't help but blame them for making everything take so much longer than it does. Every coping mechanism I've ever tried to create to get things done and get through my day is sabotaged. I want to move, leave, gtfo, cause I'm convinced if I just had a quiet and stable starting point I'd be able to get my act together, but the steps needed to get independence make it impossible. I don't honestly know what to do other than wait for them to die, at this point, and hope I'm not so old my life has passed me by by then. So...depression. Yay.
When I was around 10 a teacher said the same thing to me. "You are very smart, but you need to apply yourself." When I heard you say it almost word for word I almost cried. Healing will begin taking place 🙏 Happy I came across your video
You've got no idea what this video means to me. Your analysis perfectly encapsulates my recent turmoil. I'm a 19F who only recently self-diagnosed as ADHD, I relate to a lot of the symptoms but feel constantly drained, which seems a less common symptom than hyperactivity. I've been second-guessing myself a lot recently, asking if I self-diagnosed for attention or an excuse, but the more I think on my childhood the more apparent it seems. There were so many obvious signs and red flags I'm surprised nobody noticed sooner. People have said ADHD doesn't just manifest suddenly in adulthood and while logically I know it's more complex than that, these doubts have been brewing in my mind. I could go on, but you get probably hundreds of comments like this; even if you don't need to hear it, I need to say it. Your channel helps a lot. It really, really does. Thank you so much.
For my personal experince I like using medication to help me find my baseline so I know how it feels. Then I use the calm and confidence this baseline creates to establish a routine with my therapist. There's no rush but the goal is to eventually come off of the medication. I did this when my depression became really bad, and again when my anxiety became really bad, and now Im in the first steps with my ADHD. A holistic approach is my favorite.
Maybe it's part of my own ADHD trauma processing, but lately I've been feeling less like playing the cards dealt to me and more like flipping the table and chewing out the dealer for forcing us all into such a cruel and unfair game in the first place. Got a ways to go, I guess...
This was so relatable! As an adult, I use about a million planners (Hero's Journal, Notion, Sunsama, Todoist, seriously way too many) and set goals constantly. I'm able to keep up with my high-stress UX job, but I am still always tired just like you describe, and I always feel behind even if I'm not. The feeling of never enough is omnipresent. Can you talk about how gender/societal expectation plays a role in the symptoms of ADHD in kids? I got straight A's and never cut in line because it was seen as rude and unladylike, but was very fidgety, couldn't just sit and watch TV, ate way too fast or way too slow, and often forgot to do chores on time.
63 year old non-gamer here, diagnosed with ADHD 20 years ago. Still struggling just the way described in this video, but finding this talk SO HELPFUL! So glad I found your channel. Thank you 😊
I have ADHD. School and productivity were always such a struggle for me, because my parents always just assumed I was lazy and distracted by hanging out with friends and playing video games all the time. It was such a blessing when I finally did some research, realized there was actually something wrong with me psychologically, and got a diagnosis. Me and my parents are now finally on the same page and we can work together to help me fulfill my responsibilities instead of us always fighting each other. ADHD is probably the single most misunderstood mental disorder out there. When people think of ADHD they think of someone who can't stand still, is full of energy, and is always multitasking. While these characterizations can be true, they fail to capture the single most impactful-and most debilitating aspect of ADHD: attention deficit. When I was talking to my psychiatrist, they told me that ADHD is fundamentally a disorder of motivation; your brain simply doesn't respond to things the same way other people's brains do, and this makes you profoundly unmotivated to do things like school, work, chores, etc. You are always late to turn things in, always forgetting about your responsibilities, and it's impossible for you to stick to a schedule. In many ways, ADHD is most comparable to chronic depression. You just can't motivate yourself to do anything because your brain either doesn't produce enough hormones or isn't receptive to them. Far from being full of energy, this causes you to feel excessively drained because you have to spend extra mental energy to force yourself to do something you're fundamentally unmotivated to do. It isn't because you're lazy, or immature, or irresponsible. It isn't a character or personality flaw. It's a very real and physical problem with your brain.
My ADHD is harder on the people around me than me. I'm 50 and still learning how to manage my day to day life. I got diagnosed when I was 38 and it was one of the most impactful days of my entire life when I sat across from the psychologist and he told me how my life was accurately. It was the first time someone "got it"
I like that you changed the description for the guide to “choose your own adventure” it makes it clearer and shows off what’s actually unique. Before it sounded like anyone else’s course if you don’t already know dr.k
This video hits so close to home, I went to so many teacher conferences as a kid and went out feeling like a failure from the inside out. I’m so grateful to creators like Dr.K for normalizing self development because my negative self talk dug me in a hole that took years for me to get out of. To anyone reading this, keep working on yourself. It does get way better!
This brings tears to my eyes....to know that we are all good enough. This has been the steepest hill in life is understanding why we are different, why we feel things differently...this explains so much.
28 year old male here. About ~14:00 mark you’ve said some things I’ve needed to hear since I was a child which has me in tears. Thank you for what you do! Great channel. For perspective, ADHD diagnosis at 7 years old. Depression/anxiety by 21. (I’m thriving by most people’s standards, but ‘not doing enough’ by my own). You’ve managed to conceptualize scattered ideas and thoughts I’ve had for years into single paragraphs or sentences. Please never stop doing what you’re doing!
I did get diagnosed with ADHD before I even went to school, but Frontier Elementary and Prairie Hills Middle did absolutely nothing to meaningfully accommodate my needs. So I got to grow up with the crushing depression and fatigue of being 'worse than everyone else' even though I did have a diagnosis and did know what it means. It was always "you have this, but don't use it as an excuse..." when it really was the reason I couldn't succeed.
This video was bringing back distressing feelings from college for me that ultimately influence me to not pursue past my bachelor's. Between this and the counseling of a friend who struggles with ADHD, I realize I may be one of those adults who went undiagnosed (not surprising, given I am in ny 40's)
Crying! I was diagnosed at 40 and feel all of this. My son was just diagnosed at age 6. We are now in fairly intense family therapy with a psychologist and SLP team to help me and him get him some executive function and social skills.
I got As in every class when in High School. Just not all at once. It made a big difference how the teacher interacted w me, and how rowdy the class was. I excelled in smaller classes, and fewer classes in college and summer school.
This explains so much. High school was actually easy mode for me in classes I could just show up to and listen. So was the first semester of college, then the second got harder and I failed a class for the first time ever. It destroyed me and made me feel like I wasn’t enough so hard I drowned the third semester and flunked out. It took me four tries to get an associates degree from a community college, the whole time I felt so stupid it was so hard, and my family mocked me for it. I wish I had this perspective back then.
I'm 23, and now been diagnosed for 3, almost 4 months. Still unpacking everything. Despite a chaotic upbringing, I was always at the top of my class, no matter how many times I had switched schools that year. In a way, I kind of found it fun to figure out what we had and hadn't gone over yet. By the end of high school, when things finally stabilized, I ended up scoring a 1420 on my SAT with zero studying or prep. And yet... I always failed to understand social and romantic cues. I was told that I would be more useful if I could understand what needed done. Apart from one or two friends, that I barely remember the names of, I never went to a single birthday party, and all of mine were only ever done with family. I remember screaming at myself alone at home, steaming hot water running down my back from the impossibly hot showers I still take, to actually _do_ something for once. I still couldn't. I found a good group of friends in high school, so if someone actually reads this, I'm doing good now lol. I am planning to go to college finally. Shit's rough, my dudes.
I’m so grateful for videos like this. It’s bittersweet to be discovering in my 30s that my entire life condition is the result of undiagnosed ADHD. Really makes me wish someone paid attention when I was a kid, would have saved me a couple of decades or struggle.
I’ve been struggling a lot at work lately. I’ve been listening do Dr. K ALL weekend. I literally work with kids who have ADHD. Never occurred to me that I may have it too. I’m calling my doctor as soon as they open. I need to see someone.
Holy shit the “he’s so smart he just needs to apply himself,” and the “I’m just stupid even though I’m applying myself” I’m 21 dropped out of college twice always got bad grades in high school. I hate my self, I grew up with a “I’m trying so what’s wrong with me,”
I think about my life now with medication vs an diagnosed ADHD growing up and it’s really hard not to be bitter about it. I suffered through it and there was a fix and I suffered instead.
Wow….. I got diagnosed with adhd when I was 30( moved out of my parents at 27) but the two drs I have had both made it seem like it was weird that I did well in school . But this hits the nail on the head and makes so much sense . I did develop “ weird “ ways to do well in school and if I looked at my notes right before a test I was able to almost have a short term photographic memory. I never retained it but I did very well on tests by being able to do that. But yea it wasn’t until about a year and half of living on my own with my fiancé that I felt like something was so wrong and I was failing and I couldn’t organize our home or keep it clean and I wasn’t forgetting to pay bills but then I would spend hours doing whatever craft I was interested in at that moment …. I felt like I didn’t know how to be an adult at almost 30yrs old meanwhile everyone else seemed to be doing fine . And then about another year and a half later I finally went to see a psychiatrist and yea I’m on the high end of inattentive adhd. But I love when the dots continue to connect ! Thank you for Sharing this information 💜
Holy crap, he is literally describing me! My childhood! It doesn’t help that at 6 yrs old my teacher essentially told me that I was not good, that I was not enough. She made me recite the mantra “I must work faster!” Now 35 odd years later, that has stuck with me, and I still think that I am working too slowly, that I must work faster. The last few years living in a constant stressed state is taking a big toll on me.
I developped a lot of strategies growing up to be able to meet expectations. Some things never worked though : always late everywhere, except when it's important. Put 3 alarms, get there earlier, prepare for this event and leaving everything else aside. Then I go this "if you would make the effort" or "if your job is important you should" or even "If I am important to you"... I tried to apply the 3 alarms thing, double calendar, be there earlier for everything, but eventually it led to burn out and I was so stressed all the time about "being there on time and being prepared every day" just to show that I cared. I found a job where my ADHD is an advantage, and on the other side no one cares about at what time I get in as long as my job is done and Im there when it's necessary. But still, I am tired. My problem, I have many things going on and I depend on people to finish something so Im unorgonized all the time.
@@aleksandrakowalczyk6043 I found a job in continuous improvement, in a company where I can be there at 6 or 7 in the morning, but no one will say anything if I am there at 8. I can, on the other hand, stay later in the evening to finish something or to work with people on the evening shift. There is plenty of variety in the kind of projects I work on which can keep me motivated. I work in the shop when I can't focus on the computer or I hyperfocus on the computer and I can do a lot of work in a short amount of time. I have the latitude I need to make some research on concepts that I find interesting and I use the company as a laboratory to test some of those concept. Since I am expected to bring change due to my role, it becomes legitimate in a way instead of being disturbing. I drive kaizen activities, where I can think differenlty and ask questions to guide people into thinking outside of the box. I am like a consultant but as an employee. I drive may projects at once, small or big, working more with an agile approach which I feel makes sense with adhd. But since I got a pretty atypical profile, finding a satisfyin job have been quite a struggle. But it can happen, keep hope! :)
@@moveback7913 Continuous improvement, but I think it also has to do with the environment. Some employers can be very rigid and when they value you on how you can be predictible, it can be difficult for an ADHDer. If you work on a production line, of course you have to be there on time for your shift, but it's not a requirement for every job. I found a place where I support people and processes on the production, I can be there early if I have to meet a group of people and make some observations, but I still have to be there late sometimes. I have deadlines, (self imposed) but I can manage to work at my own speed, on my own terms and still meet my deadlines. As long as my job is done and I get results, everything is fine. Sometimes I work on bigger projects, and the challenge is to be able to give some feedback to the direction. I took the initiative of building charts and reports... it takes time, but reassures those around me about the work that is done and that it is still relevant. One thing also, is that there was an opportunity window with labour shortage, I would never have got this job without this condition since I didn't study in that field, AND I was lucky enough to be hired be someone who was open minded enough to take the time to interview the strange girl with the scattered work experience and the irrelevant resume. These opportunities are rare and It's the first time at 45 years old that I can really say that I love my job. When I applied it was like throwing a bottle in the sea and it took weeks before they contacted me...
I’m not officially diagnosed with ADHD but there is a suspicion from our company doctor so luckily I got some helpful counseling. This video and explanation makes so much sense! So I’m definitely going to watch a few more videos. But the reason I’m posting the comment though: From now on I’m referring to all of my deadlines (and some colleagues) as a pack of hyenas that are chasing me and don’t want to stop 😂😅
A psychiatrist with ADHD diagnosed me with ADHD only because I was going through a second divorce from someone who was at the time an extreme jerk when I booked an appointment to see her in hopes she could write a letter for me saying that I am mentally fit to be the main parent during divorce. Instead she false accused me of choosing romantic partners like that because according to her it was because I have A.D.H.D. I am continuing to try and put the puzzle pieces together after finding out that I am only a survivor of narcissistic abuse and domestic violence. Maybe only because I had more than one only minor hidden at times disability in effect which only made me look like more like a soft target to any person with that kind of personality disorder. It took me almost my whole working age life to figure it out. I needed help to do that. I needed to do the work too. For example when taking a sociology course in which the other day in class while the teacher showed us a video I learned what the Hopi tribe went through too while being associated with way more than one narcissist who was at the time trying to make a name for themselves.
Story of my life since the last 6 years. Before that, it wasn't HALF as bad. I attribute it to chronic stress, chronic underachievement (without beating myself up for it all the time also) and my ADHD. The older I got, the worse it got, despite me being on the hyperactive side :') And weird that Dr. K just put out another video I needed right now again. Happens way too often and it's almost psychic or smth at this point. But yeah, the lack of dopamine etc. really makes a ton of difference for some people. We can't fall asleep properly, don't feel satisfied with our days and stay up for longer, get dopamine later in the day, get stuck on stuff and have trouble waking up, controlling emotions, being in the moment and way, way more. Itsucks a ton. Hope I can get meds again someday soon after 19 years of a break since I was a kid (side effects, mainly severe weight loss D:) or at least get Wellbutrin/Bupropion for now or smth. Also hoping Dr. K won't be biased against the ADHD here or smth or come up with some magical solutions like exercise most people throw at us or meditation. Some people who don't have it or as severe literally have no idea and how much harm this does to us after hearing it for the x-th thousands time. It's maddening. Exercise etc. and going outside, eating and sleeping healthy, no blue light before bed, no caffeine, sleeping with and without melatonin, socializing and more didn't help me and only made me suicidally depressed. Now, how to explain that, ugh x-x And I always need smth to do or I get depressed also. My life got way worse after not being able to constantly do, do, do and do smth non-stop D:
I'm in tears because I've never come across something that describes my experience from childhood to adulthood. The accuracy is scary. Every single thing resonates with me 1,000,000% Thank you so much.
You’re so eloquent. You’ve just expressed the last seven years for me. I’ve just turned 33 and just gone on disability due to extreme burnout. Diagnosed a year ago, it’s like my entire perspective on my human experience has been flipped. I just want to wake up and not feel like I’m at the bottom of a well, full of fear and shame from the moment I wake up. Nothing I seem to do stops me waking up with this primal fear of others and the spectre of the day hanging over me - all possible things that could/will go wrong.
"he's so smart. If only he would apply himself" 😢 no single phrase, repeated year after year, has been more damaging to me than anything else in my nearly 40 years on this earth. Nobody ever understood how hard I was trying and how much I hated myself for it. It was the foundation for a lifetime of undiagnosed depression discovered in my mid 30s.
To anyone out there who resonates with this, please, be kind to yourself. Please don't hate yourself. Please show yourself love, and if you don't know how, make it your number one priority. If you can't do that, it will cost you so much... It will cost you job opportunities, relationship opportunities, family opportunities... So please, learn to show yourself kindness and acceptance and become your own advocate.
I know it can't be helped, but, I never want anyone to suffer a lifetime of self-hatred and perceived worthlessness the way that I did.
Please take good care of yourselves my friends
i hear this phase all the time aswell. getting into meditation and psychedelics has kinda healed my "your not enough" expectations and pressure from family are always there tho. Even tho I dont feel like I'm even close to depression, I feel mentally well when i watch these kind of videos. the only problem is I literally havent "done" anything yet. career wise, i hate working for other people and studying something i didnt choose myself. like i can study stuff by watching videos and reading. for example blockchain. but i hate studying for university because it tells me what to learn and gets tested. I also dont want to work my life in a job. i kinda feel like i need alot of time to properly relax and come to the end of thought.
so basically I am not struggling with depression because i think I healed myself with self love from discovering psychedelics and meditation. (also my dog gave me unconditional love which helps alot)
but im still stuggling with actually acting and "doing something with my life" which im getting greatly pressured by family etc. "hes so smart. but doesnt do anything with it"
That's been so painful. "If only you'd try! You have so many gifts, and you are letting them go to waste"
😢 I believed it, even though at the same time I knew I was trying almost as hard as I could almost all the time, and at the same time was a completely disappointing slacker who doesn't really deserve to take up space and resources that should go to more deserving people.
Finally I decided to just camouflage, I decided on a grade range that would satisfy my parents without the teachers giving me extra pressure (80-84%) and I leaned into the "hey, my sister's the go getter, not me." She was the one who skipped a grade, held down a job or two at every moment, kept in touch with all friends, was the planner of every group, always knew the rules and times and how things worked. (And now she's also been diagnosed with ADHD, poor thing must have been a pressure cooker inside! I mean, she was, but now it makes more sense why)
Meanwhile, I drifted along with acquaintances instead of friends, except my sister whom I loved fiercely and did not hide from, hanging out with my dog, spending time with my grandma, generally being somewhat useless but loving and pleasant, and quite the clown.
I got married right out of school, and have continued to think of myself as "not the sharpest knife in the drawer, and more of a nice-to-have rather than an essential, but I'm upbeat and chill". Apathy and "what will be, will be. Is it really worth it in the long run?" were my protection.
Becoming a mother woke me up. Now I had a passionate interest and could not bear to fail my children. The thought of damaging them was completely terrifying and anything around child rearing came with a strong motivation that I'd never experienced before. I became generally more "real", and made friends and became more like myself. Then I got diagnosed after my oldest did, and with meds and therapy I hardly recognize myself. I'm having to reconstruct my identity. It's exciting, but so very complicated.
For me as I was growing up and especially in my late teens and early 20s it was "If you could just unlock whatever is stuck in you, you'll be unstoppable." Even for as well as I excelled, there was something not right and people around me knew it but didn't know what. I wasn't organized. I was forgetful. I procrastinated constantly.
Eventually I took that as "I'm just unorganized and lazy and have a bad work ethic and just suck." But as hard as I tried to fix it, I couldn't nail anything down and so shame compounded.
I literally teared up reading your comment 🖤
Thank you. I would also add that loving someone else before you learn to love yourself can be very dangerous. The journey starts within us. Take care.
What’s fun is when you use all your coping skills, your calendars, your to-do list, organizing your work area and tools… and then get told at work that you need to “be more flexible”, “stop overthinking”, “stop making more work for yourself by writing everything down”.
Id bet neurotypical people switch jobs at that point or point it as abuse... at least thats how bad relationships work. If it is your dumb colleagues who often have problems too, as they could coast along in life to worklife without problems, but then things got hard, but if it is supervisor, then over time need to cope with it or switch to elsewhere. While advice could work, I consider ignorant oneliners like that abusive. I get someone closeone who can argue why they said so well, it will be different. Up to your judgement if those people have potential and will to understand or do they just want to stay far from you.
I hope whoever had the misguided idea to tell you that steps on legos, stubs their toe, and bites the inside of their cheek every other month
Meanwhile iphone Karen does 1 hours of work throughout the day browsing instagram and making posts to her OF.
Or when you request more flexibility because you know your coping mechanisms work well for you, and you are trying to increase your productivity through your own personal methods, but you're instead told you need to just "learn how to focus".
Wow lol damned if you do or don't
i do wish he’d talk more on inattentive adhd in women. i wasn’t diagnosed until i moved out and was living on my own at 24. i excelled massively in school and university, and was well-liked by my peers. I sucked at house work, chores, self-care habits. i still struggle with the idea that i’m “lazy” and a complete failure of an adult. the house chores and self-care habits were the sticking point, because as a woman i was expected to be good at that. and i’m just. not.
Me too, I was a hyper kid but I was very good at school , did not paid attention a lot but was able to read someone else’s notes before the test and get better grades than my peers, I could write an essay the night before instead of little by little as we were supposed to… up until university when I had to deal with more responsibilities , different schedules and teachers and different peers in every class, even then I was just told to apply myself and stop being lazy… I was socially awkward unlike you, and I still struggle with chores and self care habits … I became just hyper in my mind (instead of also physically) by my teens and I got diagnosed in my late 30s and I hate that most people still Don’t believe in ADHD 🤦♀️ specially in women
This hits hard- I have inattentive as my subtype and I've constantly heard my whole life: "Dude you're the smartest dumb person I've ever met." I could pass tests. I could say all the right things. Heck, I've got my BA and now I've got a whole career in social work. Yet, the lack of copping mechanisms for my home life has knee capped me for years. At the moment, the main saving grace I've got are the people in my life. I just signed a lease with three close homies on a four bedroom house in my hometown. While I understand I need to build the skill set to be more self-sufficient, I've found that surrounding myself with reliable, caring, and loving people has made a huge difference.
As a cisgendered man I was raised with certain expectations regarding how individualistic I ought to be. I'm sure there will be folks who think I'm too reliant on the homies- but from my perspective its a testament to my own ability to foster strong community ties that I even have homies in the first place, let alone ones who help me clean and do the laundry. The last few years have taught me that compassion is a super-power, and that so many of us really are stronger together. I'm 30, and the honest to god truth is that without my support system I'd never have made it this far. So whether you call it a family, a church, or a commune- find your community, find your tribe, and build it up. Work on yourself, of course, but if you can find folks you trust and can deal with for more than ten minutes, don't be afraid to honestly talk to them about a collective living situation. We all have work todo to become the people we want to be- but we don't have to carry those burdens alone. ADHD can sometimes feel like a curse, but when you have folks willing to help you do the dishes and pay the rent, you start feeling less broken and more whole - like you're worthy of the support you receive. You're worth it and always have been. But, with the right friends it starts being a lot easier to feel like you're finally enough.
Love and Solidarity - Peace.
This. 💯
@@suzter Not to sound mean but, there are a lot of women and girls who game too.
The gaming community is also quite diverse
SAME! I was an honor roll student all through school, but that was just because I was good at cramming for tests and doing homework on the bus to school. I couldn't pay attention in class though and ended up dropping out of college because I couldn't stick with a degree program. Now I'm 38 with no degree in an entry level job. My life is more stable now, but I don't know how to get past the overwhelm to move forward in life.
ADHD is having Red Queen syndrome, a reference to Through The Looking Glass.
“Now here it takes all the running you can do to stay in the same place. If you want to go somewhere else you must run at least twice as fast as that.”
This was a fantastic video to watch… it may serve as a reminder to be gentler on myself
Omg I just told my wife that I feel like this last night, told her about the red queen, it's so true....
4:50 I think in addition to compensatory mechanisms, many kids with ADHD don't get diagnosed because their parents and teachers constantly keep track of things for them and remind them of things, which in turn hides issues.
Only after becoming an adult, with no one to hold you accountable, does ADHD start to reveal itself.
Yeah I definitely feel that. Like I can do things somewhat consistently because I just follow my parents to do those things, but the days when I’m alone, I can’t do anything, like I forget to eat or do other things I was supposed to until it’s too late. That’s why I’m kinda scared to live alone.
i cant even begin to describe how accurate this is. wow
It could also be the other way around too tho. Because teachers and parents often schedule for them, the skills required for planning never develop in turn causing these ADHD like symptoms which are actually just undeveloped skillsets
As a former kid with an older generation of parent, some just don’t believe any of this stuff to begin with and just try to muscle their way through it
I feel lucky as a high schooler I started catching on to this. If rather late
My favorite line when recently trying to explain adhd to my dad "everyone has that, you are not special, you just need to focus" The world seems to think adhd isnt real and we make it our personality
It could be he has it...
ADHD is highly hereditary, so it is VERY likely he actually experiences similar symptoms and never questioned them.
Sounds like something someone with ADHD would say.
My old man would always tell me you got to study harder
If they say this, I highly recommend trying to question back by saying "But dad/mom... that's not supposed to be normal..." explaining their life and turn your enemy into your ally.
I am 100% positive your parents will feign ignorance on the matter but I know 100% for sure they'll start to listen the moment they hear you talk about their life failings and say
*"It wasn't your fault"*
Same ADHD timeline for me. A bit older. And now I am burnt out just as this post describes. The problem is, "life" is becoming the deadline. I want to make something of myself and am constantly filling any void with self inflicted pressure. Need to produce something of value. Need to improve in my professional field. Need to find my calling. Need to get in shape. Need to establish a lasting relationship. Yet...
All effort feels like tires spinning in the mud. Sitting still feels like sinking.
You are not alone. I have everything I thought I would want to be happy. A loving wife, a successful career, a beautiful home. Yet I have driven myself into the ground by running from feelings of depression and struggles with ADHD. I am burned out.
Your not along, goat man. We got this.
@@nateroth892 It is bittersweet to know that I am not alone in this particular struggle. Perhaps we are alike in this pattern as well : Occasionally, I'll have all the hype, energy, and motivation in the world. I'll organize my life and set move toward meaningful goals. And then, 'something' will happen. And in retrospect I'll have no idea where that energy came from or went.
Like an airplane about to take off yet never fully lifting off the ground..
@@straygoat4366motivation isn't enough. Discipline is required. It's like a muscle that has to be trained and used over and over.
I've tried the "doing stuff" part, I kept a work journal for the first half of this year and it felt great, and I was hyper focused on it, I got a nice dotted journal, a nice pen, worked on my handwriting, looked up journal templates watched hours of journaling videos online and now I haven't touched it since April. I remember how nice it felt, how satisfied I was when I was remembering things and being on time for shit a month in advance.
The never ending "If I had just kept doing x, I would be so good at it by now" really is getting to me.
Undiagnosed and seeing a psychiatrist in January (earliest they have a spot).
Damn, how are you doing now?
All of this resonates very strongly with me, but there's one specific element that went unmentioned. In my experience with ADHD, and I believe many others, we adapt to subconsciously motivate and focus ourselves using adrenaline (through stress). Even hour for hour, the 4 hours that we spent on homework is more exhausting because it is filled with us subconsciously, but deliberately, raising our stress level, because we have learned that by doing so the adrenaline will help us focus, for the same reason that many of us work best right at the time of a deadline. Meditation, which I'm so glad that you advocate so heavily for, has brought this into my awareness and made me able to much better notice not only that I am doing this, but all of the ways in which it affects my state of mind and my life at large. It works, but it's costly.
So true. Adrenaline is the only thing that gets us going. For example, I had a play to attend with a friend. You can blame it on “time blindness,” but I departed for my trip much later than I could’ve so then my adrenaline is activated as I literally “race against time” speeding down the highway. Backtrack to 2022 when I developed full-blown adrenal fatigue from living on adrenaline, and I couldn’t even drive more than 40 m.p.h. without my cortisol levels being triggered and feeling light-headed. ADHD is literally and metaphorically a “wild ride.”
Tell me about it.
Riding motorbike, getting into fights and arguments, jumping from klifs, parachuting, bungee jump etc.
Only then I feel I'm alive.
Meditation is medicine as is knowledge shared experiences, not pushing to "burnout", meaningful job & relationships, even with dog.
My thing is massage, nature meditation, steam /sauna s & cold therapy.& access to medication in Northern clown World.
Jokes about said issues with fellow ADHD 's.
Establishing hard boundaries, work adaptions, new creative interests... As outliers we have out own way of being, herd animals we are not!!!!! 😜👍
How do I save a comment? You’ve put in to words something I’ve always known but was never aware of, if that makes sense. Thank you
"He just needs to apply himself" That sentence still haunts me.
For real. The moment he said that, fuzzy but deep memories came flooding back.
That sentence fucking haunts me. My mom would sit me down for these heart-felt conversations about how I "was better than my recent behavior" or "too smart to waste my potential." Meanwhile, I'm sitting there feeling guilty and trying to remember why I didn't do my homework or why I was angry enough to yell at my teacher.😅
Tell me about it. I and my parents were told that SO many times.
And "you have so much potential", "if only you'd pay attention"...
Yet no one bothered to even consider that I might have ADHD, because I could ace all my tests without doing all the homework, not paying attention in class, and because I was a GIRL.
Back in the 70s, "only little boys get ADHD" was the hardcore prevailing wisdom.
I finally got diagnosed when I was 50, that was 3 years ago almost to the day.
Yeah it's like a punch in the gut whenever I hear that
Swear my teachers all copy pasted the same comments
I think my problem with ADHD is just that I flip between interests every few months, making it difficult to actually become highly skilled as quick as I need or want.
I feel that, I go through different hobbies and interests every 5 months or so.
I have 4 core hobbies/interests that go on rotation (unpredictable of course) singing, dancing, writing and art and then intermediary ones of general area interests. Almost all of which do not lead to careers or help in the job market.
So I feel ya.
YES. Not only this, but I’m also a perfectionist and want to understand everything completely before doing something. It sucks.
@@vixxcelacea2778some of the hobbies or interests I have could potentially become something to make money on, but I have no idea where to start. So i don't mainly because my mind gets cluttered with other s**t
I found to take advantage of this, over time you will become pretty good at alot of different unrelated skills. Which I would argue is much more useful than being the master of one skill. ADHD is a feature, not a flaw.
I'm so glad I crashed and burned at 20, rather than 26. I'm turning my life around, turning 24 later this month, and I've never been better. Having ADHD+Autism makes my life kinda miserable: I crave a stability that I'm unable to maintain, but it got better over the years. For everyone who struggles with neurodivergence reading this: Figure out how YOU are wired. Don't try to copy the neurotypical playbook, it will only hinder you further. I'll take myself as an example: I learned to study at 20 after I realized something weird: I study better if I speed things up and do harder exercises. Before that point, I was trying to slow down, take things easy, and my productivity was HORRIBLE. Once I realized this, it skyrocketed. It gets better, you just gotta figure out what works for YOU, not somebody else.
Harder exercises? In going to check it, but yes, they're more engaging in some way; nad you are doing previous steps and using logic instead of focus. That might be the key!
Could you elaborate more on your findings! I jumped on my sofa when I read that. I also can recall similiar experience but also if something is hard it shows me how lost and misarable and „stupid” I am. How do you deal with that?
Definitely agree and recommend doing stuff and seeing what works for you. Sounds like I may be similar, I recently realized I am a big picture guy, when I was doing my best I was always focused on the big task at hand and would jot down notes on how to get there. At a point I fell into a spiral and came out thinking breaking everything thing down was the easier way to do things and gave me a nice easy checklist to work on, but I think in reality it just gave me a never ending list of the things to do that just overwhelmed me and made me feel like I wasn’t making much progress
Hey, could you expand a little bit on speeding things up and doing harder exercises, like examples? Thank you for sharing this btw :)
As another example I feel like my brain works in the opposite way. I have to start with the easier tasks and once I feel successful after completing them I'm ready to go for the harder stuff
ADHD can really be devastating for some people. I was diagnosed at 25, and during the first 3-5 years of the treatment, it felt like I was playing in GodMode. I've achieved in 5 years what I didn't expect to achieve in decades. However, another 3-5 years after, and I'm having similar problems as I had before starting the treatment, and maybe even a little bit frustrated to know how far I was able to go just by being able to focus, and now seeing this "skill" slowly vanishing again.
Anyway, I think there are a few more mechanisms that can contribute to that exhaustion (just my personal opinion - I haven't done absolutelly no rigorous research on that):
- Sleep: it's HARD to have good nights of sleep when your head just won't stop thinking about random stuff all the time
- Short, but very intense, periods of hyperfocus in some specific activity/idea. A few days/weeks obsessing about some "great idea that will change the world" - just to give up for no apparent reason - take a huge toll on your energy levels
- Even if the effort on specific tasks (school, work, etc) is not necessarily so much greater than "regular" people, maybe (NO RESEARCH DONE!!) the total energy spent by those random, messy, disordered thoughts might actually be greater. So, not only intelectually intensive tasks consume more energy, but maybe the "stand-by" energy consumption is also higher.
Well, good to see people recognizing this as an actual problem, and not just "lazyness". 🤣🤣
I get what you mean… I suffer from insomnia since I can remember and I also tend to use hyper focus as a catch up to my schoolwork, chores, and now work to do’s etc … I was able to kind of manage this for years , but I got into a point where I sleep even less during the week, so I am tired all day , so I can’t focus, even less than usual… as if I am burned out …
so I now rarely get that needed hyper focus and I am so behind everything at work and personal life etc . And yet on weekends I could just sleep all day if you let me cause I feel so drained out of energy … then the cycle starts every Monday
What in those first 3-5 did you practice to play on godmode?
Idk if it works for everyone but on the contrary, my way to find sleep is by letting myself overthink about random stuff and to let the flow make me forget about my own body. When i achieved this state, my tought start to become half dream half tought and it's a matter of time before i fell asleep.
(Sry for spelling i'm not an english speaker).
Really the key for me is to forget about my own body.
For me just having to force myself to work event though I do not have the motivation for it aka Dopamin is draining. For me work is fun if I see people at the workplace. Working alone during holidays for example is extremely draining for me. In my case work has to be fun and social in order to not drain my energy as much. But since covid the workplace environment is very draining for me. Trying now medication as I cannot set up my work environment anymore the way I would need it. But with tinnitus it is really hard to find a medication that does not worsen it :(.
@@sj4267 Mostly, the medication - both for ADHD and for sleep. As your body develop tolerance, the effects diminish.
"They don't understand that I'm actually applying myself as hard as I can." What a sweet statement of understanding to the ears of somebody with ADHD.
Hearing that actually brought so much catharsis
Wow, this had me in tears by the end. I got diagnosed in high school and I remember feeling fatigued a lot. When I would say “I’m tired” people would tell me “You always say that, you’re just lazy.” Eventually I started to think that living in a state of exhaustion was normal. I felt like you had the to earn the right to be tired and I would never be able to do enough get there. I wish 16 year old me could have seen this video.
How extremely sad. I hope you can learn to take good care of yourself.
+1 .. I have felt small about myself most of the time cos of this.
I'm so sorry. But at least 16-17 year olds now (like me) can see it.
Dude, I can absolutely relate to that.
But it was not just with „being tired“.
It was about restlessness, horrible sleep, the constant chaos, being unreliable, and being not on time. I tried and tried and tried to improve upon these things, build good habits as example but nothing helped. I always ended up in the same cycle, not keeping up with these habits and falling into the same patterns again. People thought, I was just „being lazy“ or was „smoking too much weed“, and eventually I believed that shit myself and it became who I am, because I had no other explanation than to blame myself for that. And that caused something like a chain reaction, developing even further issues, that heavily fucked with my selfworth/image. Now I know better, now i‘m on medication and suddenly everything makes sense. But it was a wild ride.
@Josh-qw5wd I’m so sorry you are in that situation and I pray that your parents will come around to supporting you. My parents actually were the ones who ended up getting me diagnosed so I can’t speak to your situation specifically. If you have a teacher or school counselor who you trust maybe talking to them about it could help? Sometimes parents are more open to looking into diagnosis if another adult “authority figure” is supportive. This may not work for your situation but please know that you’re not alone and don’t give up☺️
I was diagnosed with ADHD in my 70s. It explained SO much about my life, up to that point. A prescription for amphetamine salts (aka generic Adderall) has given me a couple of hours of productivity each day, but by now I've set myself up for a constant state of overwhelm. VERY important tasks hang over me, while I sit in my recliner bingeing UA-cam vids. This segment is pure gold. It should be required viewing for my (three) friends who just. don't. 'get me', and will NOT listen to my description of what my life is like.
"Behind in life". I need that on a tee-shirt!
How is your quality of life now that you're getting care?
❤
They dont really need to get you though do they.
I wish I could've at least tried medication but I self reported that I drank too much a single time on my 21st birthday and it's permanently in my medical records now that I have a substance abuse problem. I'm basically never taken seriously anymore and if I'm in pain, like after a surgery, I have to wait for my drug test to come back before they even think about helping me. I actually lost a great deal of lung function and have stage 3a kidney disease because doctors didn't take me seriously for 2 years while my own immune system was attacking me. All because I drank a little too much on my 21st (didnt even puke, just felt i did and wanted to answer truthfully)
@@stevy2 Is there any way to remove it from your medical card? It’s absolute nonsense that it’s there in the first place for such a silly reason - but now it actually endangers (and actually harmed) your health & quality of life.
There must be something that can be done to remove it from you record - especially considering that there has never been any actual proof of you having those issues (like drg test, etc).
I got emotional when you mentioned how even as a young child, if you have adhd you likely won't be invited to birthday parties. I remember struggling a lot with emotional dysregulation as a child, and basically all my friends parents decided their kids can't invite me to birthday parties. I remember realizing nobody liked me.
So much emotional dysregulation D:
That shit hurt a ton. :(
I was a child adults didn't like. They never even tried to hide it.
It hit me too, I definitely felt like I was not liked for the impulses I couldn’t control yet hated that i had.
Geee, I remember how little control I had over my emotions in birthdays when I was about 6 years old and younger.
I never was diagnosed with ADHD but the more I hear about it the more it makes sense. Another issue was the fact I was a 3month early pre-born. I had no physical contact to my mum for almost a whole month and that produced huge abandonment issues. So every time some other kid was celebrated for their birthday I would start crying and felt like I didn't mean anything and everyone would abandon me. I understood back then my reaction was wrong but I couldn't help it.
I was just passively listening to this and when he started talking about ADHD in school and the parent conferences I just broke down and cried. Like something clicked and I had an explanation for what ive felt all my life.
It’s a good idea to get a sleep study done - talk to your dentist. A lot of people with ADHD actually have a sleep disorder like UARS or sleep apnea that is preventing them from getting refreshing sleep at night. You can get an appliance to widen your palate and help you breathe better and sleep better.
I realized that I felt so tired and spaced out all the time because my body was panicking and feeling like it was about to die every night. 😮
Anyone got a solution to the 'waiting mode' for when you can't really relax or be productive when you have something planned for later that day?
set an alarm, 5 minutes, 30 minutes, and 1 hour before the thing
Sit on a chair on the balcony WITOUT YOUR PHONE and just think (but not about anything draining)
Quick cleaning tasks, 5 min each. Grab some cleaning wipes and just wipe stuff down. I use a timing cube to keep from getting hung up on one task
I just end up starring at the wall for 2 hours, or try to sleep.
I have deleted my alarms twice now due to my alarm app being filled completely with new alarms. I just hold the home button on my phone and say "set an alarm called laundry for 1.5 hours." Then I go play video games until my laundry is done. I don't have to remember. My phone will for me
"I need to play the hand I am dealt instead of copycatting neurotypicals" that's such a valuable insight, and it takes building your confidence and letting go of the self blame to actually accept it/realize it. at least that's what it's taking for me.
This. I started doing this a few years ago, and my life got so much better. Life is way less stressful when you work with your brain, rather than against it.
This is such a foreign concept to my brain, I've never considered trying to be satisfied with doing the most that I'm personally capable of instead of trying and failing to be as productive as a non ADHD person is every day...
This is how I feel at my job, I work alone most of the day at a care home with carers who do 12 hr shifts like 5 in a row. I do 8 hrs 3 days a week gardening and I am absolutely dead. I struggle to keep working once i hit my "wall" but because the other people i work with do so much I keep trying which just makes me more frustrated and angry to the point now where I just go and ask my boss if I can go home otherwise I have a mini breakdown sometimes even cry. Its hard.... Im lucky that they let me and they understand even without an official diagnosis @@webbedshadow2601
I agree, and I think it also involves accepting that you likely won’t get along with most people, that’s the scary and hardest part.
"The untreated trauma of growing up with adhd..." that hit hard. I never looked at it that way
istg, he put it in the perfect words
I haven't been diagnosed for ADHD, mostly because mental health is still not 'real' in my country (Kenya) and most of Africa. But damn, I fit the description.
Sorry to hear that, hope that changes soon
For me it wasn't real when I was young and, despite it being the most common disorders on Earth, no psychiatrist here wants do diagnoze adults with it. I fit every description perfectly and some doctors I talked to straight up tell me that I probably have it but I won't get the diagnosis so I can't really get the help I need. I've even been thinking about just bribing someone to at least TRY to diagnose me. I'm fine with being told I don't have it but they won't even do that
I feel for you. I grew up in America in the 90s and back then ADHD wasn't widely accepted here either, even by my own parents. It was hell, and I failed out of university and lost my job trying to get by without treatment before I finally received a diagnosis when I was almost thirty.
I truly hope things change for you in Kenya and you won't have to wait as long.
@@imonymous
What did you precisely do to overcome ADHD ? I'm in late 20's & had same life experience as you stated, but I'm still stuck. Its kind of Taboo to discuss mental health in my country ( India ) especially for men. If you could share what helped you, it would be life saving.
I fit the description well too, I live in a relatively small Turkish city so mental health isn't really taken seriously here either but it seems to got better in the last couple of years. I want to see a psychiatrist about this and depression, but I am not sure if some ADHD symptoms are just caused by depression
"Play the hand you were dealt" is life changing advice. I followed that advice for my ADD a few years ago, and honestly, life is way more peaceful now
As a person with ADHD I always struggle to focus during these videos, even if they are very helpful. That's why for others, I have made a list from the 'What can we do about it?' section of this video:
1. Learn to organise. Doctor doesn't say exact tips of how to do it but says what can help:
- psychotherapy and/or medication -> both have a similar impact on ADHD but psychotherapy effects last for longer;
- for projects, look for all the materials you need at the start and try to have them in one place, so you won't search later and get distracted.
2. Boost your self esteem - treat yourself better then your trauma makes you feel like you are. Once again, he recommends psychotherapy or the Guide mentioned in the description.
Holy crap. That 3 hour limit rings true. After that point my brain starts melting and I start either infodumping, talking over others, or just disengage from conversation. It's probably my biggest reason for anxiety because I can't trust myself to interact properly at that point.
Relatable
Yeah, that was an eye opener for me too. I was always down on myself for being exhausted after two hours. At work and school it was torture to stay a whole morning, never mind a day and I went 50 years without knowing why, hating myself for it. So appreciate these videos Dr, you are great at explaining how adhd actually plays out in peoples lives.
My brain would go, "...and I'm done." And I would literally just fall asleep. At parties. With music blasting. With a cinder block as a pillow.
It sounds partly like a masking thing too imo. I can't stand being around people I have to put on a show for for more than around 3 hours. But with ones who are like me or those who won't treat me as less for not doing social shit the 'right way', I can spend forever with them
I have ADHD and always been pretty self-aware. Learned a lot of the stuff psychotherapy taught me on my own. My life was a mess so eventually I turned to a calendar. I couldn't remember stuff so I started writing it down. Counseling and therapy helped too.
But nothing has given me the consistency from day to day that medication has. Writing stuff down EVERY DAY. Doing chores EVERY DAY. Personal hygiene EVERY DAY. Without meds these things will start and stop after a few days of trying. No matter how many calendars or to-do lists are present.
have you tried meditation? what medication helps you?
@@moveback7913 Yes I meditate. For me at the moment the medication has given me what therapy and counseling can't, and vice versa. Maybe one day I'll be in a place where I don't need the medication. Been on Vyvanse for about 8 months now, got diagnosed about a year ago. It's been absolutely life-changing. Therapist and counsellor tell me I have responded extremely well to meds which is not always the case
Oh, I have the same problem, one day that takes too much of my energy and I have to start back again. Falling back a bit every day when I don't have enough energy to do everything I should will stop me too. Either way, there's work that's not done, it stacks up and I dread it, which makes it harder to start again. Tried some coping skills, but no medication yet. What are you on?
I was in the exact same boat before medication. It has helped me use the tools I’ve developed more effectively.
I went down the medication route age 16-28. I am now 33 and have been off medication with help from obsessive exercise. I Still feel like medication was the only thing that “snapped the switch on” but the side effects I had and my sacrificing my health was not worth it to me. Still struggling, still won’t go back on meds, where is the answer? Looking in here for now.
I'm 39 and still riding that gifted-kid-to-failed-adult ADHD train CHOO CHOO! But seriously Doc, thanks for everything that you do. And for so clearly laying out the double whammy of ADHD: 1) falling behind due to brain difference 2) feeling that your difficulty is the result of a character flaw or moral failure. I am planning to get the Dr. K's guide. I think about the title of one of your videos "Self-Esteem is the Raid Boss" regularly because as you say in this video once you believe in yourself it changes the way you look at the world.
Thank you for this! I just got diagnosed last month at 43 years old. I had a lot of systems in place, calendars, and I spent a LOT of time staying organized. My husband was wondering why I had all these self imposed ‘rules’ in place and why I was so hard on myself and why I had to be so disciplined. It turns out it was all there to manage adhd. The systems started failing with kids, a job, the pandemic, homeschooling, a household to maintain, lack of childcare, perimenopause, and it all started to fall apart. I was trying so hard and failing so much and I felt the way I did when I was a teen again. So I got help and it turns out, this whole time it was adhd.
I remember spending 4 hours on a one hour assignment in college. I spent an hour getting rid of all of the distractions first before starting the assignment and spending another hour just trying to focus. And I had to work out out so much just to settle my mind and body. It’s exhausting and the whole time it was undiagnosed adhd.
Your comment reminded me of my uni studies. I had troubles focusing on the books, but I am a perfectionist, so I needed to learn as well as possible, so I figured out, that I needed to do something with my hands (crafts, like embroider or knit), so that one part of my brain was focused on that, the other on the studying and so there was a better chance the thoughts will not wander as much as without the crafting part.
But it really all got more problematic with job, kids, household and having to track everything around me, especially for all the family members as well, so I usually feel exhausted and don’t accomplish anything beyond the necessary.
I relate to this so hard. I was top of my class in school, but I felt like everyone around me was a year or two ahead of me socially and with their internships and careers. My friends were out partying and I was standing in front of a mound of clothes trying to get myself to do my laundry. Raw IQ stops being a get-out-of jail free card once you become an adult.
Close to the same. I was always able to stand at the same intellectual level as the valedictorians but I myself could not turn in homework. But I feel the social part. I was halfway through highschool, age 15, before I even realized there were girls around me and some of them had tried to ask me out prior. By junior year it was kind of late. Everyone seemed to have found a relationship and I was just trying to figure out how to try and start one.
Yup. Got my ass kicked in college. I was always seen as the smart kid in school.
@@VerusVertuswith adhd it’s so hard to even talk and socialize with people. This is why I don’t have any friends ;-;
Extremely relatable to me. The only major difference is that I developed "make everything perfect or don't even start" mentality, the reasons are likely being: my school was very strict, so 99% score would often net a B-mark and 70% could already be F; some teachers were lowering my scores on top of that because "the child is smart but isn't trying hard enough" and my parents constantly reminding me that with my smarts I should be the best. This made me prone to skip doing my homework a lot, because if I expect to get another F anyway, I'd rather play some games or go for a walk than waste half of my day and still get a crappy score. This tendency keeps haunting me to this day, and even I've been aware of it for years, it's really hard to get rid of old habits, especially if they got earned in the childhood.
my school wasnt strict, part of my family was strict tho. and i have the exact same "make everything perfect or don't even start" mentality. dont know if its the strictness or if thats just an adhd thing.
Ah, yes. I heard "If you aren't going to finish it/do it right, why did you even start?" SOOO much as a kid (said in a really nasty tone of voice implying laziness) that I still have issues leaving things undone, or starting things that I can't do "right." "Right" means scrubbing the floor on hands and knees, scrubbing the bathtub thoroughly, fully researching every little thing for that paper... As a consequence, my house is a mess (I don't have time to finish cleaning the kitchen, so I just take care of the dishes as becomes absolutely necessary) and progress on my Master's thesis is less than I'd like. (I haven't fully read the 150+ references I've collected so far. There might be something vital in part of what I haven't read!)
It's HARD. Guilt builds up because I haven't done the thing, but I don't have time to do it, and I'm struggling. The only thing that helps me a lot is timers. There's no way any reasonable person can expect to clean the entire kitchen in ten minutes, so setting a timer for a *really* short time means I don't feel bad if I don't get the job done in that amount of time.
@@christineg8151 same, when i do something like cleaninh i have to do it perfectly.
Ive started to realize more and more, as parents and siblings have severe ADHD symptoms and as consequences of all that follows, depression is rampant. So need to deliberately steer towards group who dont take things seriously, to avoid that stuck to not start trap. So in that way university wasnt good for me, raising those limits and potential of F too high, despite intellectually could follow lot of topics but that just aint good enough when there is metric to fail or pass and life depends on it.
@@moveback7913I think overfocus in ADHD makes that perfection but it turns flipside when mood and focus is bad and should do exact same thing but cant and that drives to some sort of gambling with yourself in daily things, trying them over and over obsessing why this is different now than last week, distracting.... and closeby people pressure is sure to make this worse, putting even more focus on this aspect.
Every single relationship I've ever had ended because I was too exhausted to fulfill my partner's needs due to ADHD. The depression and ADHD just fed into each other and I'd crash from cortisol over reliance all the time.
I am very sorry. And also: Maybe next time you also need to re-negotiate what a doable middle ground actually looks like. Cause it's invisible. Aka people may eventually understand what they are getting into, when a person is missing libs. Even then, people are absolutely prone to underestimate what a workload results from bad compatibility with "people's assumptions on how ppl function". The environment is literally not considering them. And with ADHD, things are very invisible until they are "problems".
This means, you need to take the time to talk with them what you can and cannot accommodate at the moment. You need a person who's actually willing to figure out the middle ground with you AND which of their needs qualify as "easy or hard" to accommodate for you!
You will also want to introduce re-thinking and re-evaluation into relationships! Aka: Check in what needs currently must be met and don't just run with that.
- Which needs can be supplied externally?
- Which needs can be reduced (aka must you clean up more OR must you have less that needs cleaning up?)
- Which needs are personal responsibilities and which are shared ones? Aka sometimes things that are needed, do not actually need to be attended to together and it doesn't mean you lack care for each other.
A lot of re-framing can be done. Block time for psychological, emotional and relationship hygiene, like you do for anything else you do for sustenance!
That said: being and not being in romantic relationships are quite equal states of being. With all the pros and cons. So I hope you can make yourself as comfortable as possible, no matter which it currently is.
Not good in relationships. Better single, even at 69.
Hyperfocussing on your relationship at the start also sets you up to fail down the line when that focus and the attention + cute actions (like surprise breakfast in bed etc) all fades away almost overnight. ADHD has quite the influence on your relationships in more ways than you'd expect.
Stress is the only way I know how to motivate myself to get anything done. So I resonate with the cortisol bit. It’s an exhausting way to live. I do nothing fun, I hardly ever go out, and I’m too exhausted to see friends (so eventually they drift away). My therapist told me to just “accept yourself for who you are”. But I’m pretty sure my boss and my bank aren’t going to accept that as a reason why I’m always late for work or in my overdraft….
@@KxNOxUTA Wow that was powerful. Thank you for the reply.
"He's so smart. If only he would apply himself" really hit me, it's literally on every end of year report card from my time in secondary school, it's done such a number on my self esteem that I really just thought I was actually stupid for a huge portion of my life. Even now, knowing what I know about ADHD, I just can't seem to let that feeling go and it makes me really defensive and lash out when other point out mistakes or when I've done something wrong. Shit sucks.
Thank you for making these, it's putting a spotlight on a lot of things for me.
Mine shows up on the conduct grade.... "well behaved but talks too much " lol, it was the 80s, early 90s, I still have the little cardboard cards and those hand written comments....
What I’ve been told is “you’re not stupid, you’re just lazy”(translated) basically the same thing word for word from every teacher, sometimes even my parents.
Yep. Every report, right from primary school.
the amount of times I've heard "she's so smart BUT so forgetful/messy/naughty/lazy" I started crying when he said that lmao (I'm 21 with no formal diagnosis waiting for a therapist appointment and hoping to finally start getting my life together)
How is it going so far ? Same age but already got the diagnosis arround 10 years ago but it got never treated. Feel like a freaking mess
Same here, after decades of waiting, finally managed to make an appointment to a potential specialist. Let's see how adhd-related things are going on here, in Ukraine.
Literally. I got tired of being called "lazy" when I was trying that I at this point just kinda gave into being lazy... thanks dad I know you can but tough love doesnt always work...
i'm also 21, waiting for therapist appointment too, have also passed through this "you're very smart but lazy", this drained my mental overtime...
@@parisberry1623 I've been in therapy for a couple of months now every 2 weeks or so, honestly it's messy and I feel like my life is kind of unraveling and unstable, but I trust that eventually it's going to weave back together the right way ♡ Good luck on your journey
My parents literally used to say "if we can't see you trying hard, then you're not trying hard enough", when in fact, what i was showing to them IS the hardest im trying, and despite getting medical treatment and therapy (both me and my parents), i still gaslit myself "why would i try my best, if my best won't come close to everyone else's?" And watch youtube on the job.
Yes, i know im wrong, frankly i shouldn't even be typing this right now, but i feel like that the more i grow old i have lesser control of myself.
In my late 20s and was diagnosed during medical school. The adjustment to life thing is so true. We were able to mask as kids but when things get more intense and higher pressure, the mask fails revealing our ADHD
god ive never clicked on/related to a video so fast
Me too 🥲
SAME
😐😔why can't I overcome it
Yep
Frickin same.
DR. K, PLEASE invite Russell Barkley to an interview. he is retired, and active on his youtube channel. There is literally not a single person who knows more about adhd than him. I'd love to see your reach + him as an adhd expert.
Oh yes, definitely a person to talk to about ADHD.
I second (third?) this amazing collaboration opportunity. I daresay it will be the single best thing that ever happened to ADHD!
This, this, this, this and this! Dr. K is great for other stuff and resources, but his advice for ADHD does nothing for me, usually and doesn't help me most the time, sadly and I sometimes feel misunderstood and invalidated. Dr. Barkley on the other hand did so much research and has so much to show that I find a lot of comfort in and where I feel understood and in good hands, kind of. Dr. Hallowell is also good, but I don't vibe with the ADHD superpower and finding good stuff in it style stuff as much and it feels like gaslighting sometimes, so yeah. Still great infos in his ADHD 2.0 books, though.
Yesssss this this this!
@@Chizuru94 What tools has Russell Barkley actually given you to help manage your symptoms? You've only commented on the comfort you receive from consuming his content. Personally I'm the opposite, I don't find Dr. Barkley particularly insightful and I've even felt gaslit listening to some of his positions.
Wow this is literally me! Just turned 28 and was diagnosed. School was easy but never went but passed, now as an adult getting into mundane corporate retail I started spiraling. Finally got my diagnosis on March 26 on my birthday. Was put on medication. Now I have energy just to be awake and to work like a normal human being. Can’t believe this was missed when I was a kid. Up until last week I’ve never been so tired in my life I almost gave up from exhaustion. Thank you for this validating video
Thank you. This is exactly my life lately. I've been wondering the same question about fatigue. For me, the stress ramped up in grad school and didn't stop. I was diagnosed with ADHD in mid-40s when I was an assistant professor. I also thought it was just depression. "I'm so tired" has become a mantra, particularly these last two years as I prepared for and got tenure and promotion. The hyenas are constantly at the door in this profession. Feeling lazy, misunderstood, and lonely were hallmarks of my life starting in grade school, even though I loved the way I saw the world.
Getting diagnosed later in life means you have to revisit all the trauma and negative experiences that you thought you were over because you finally have a new lens through which to understand it. It's hard but I'm grateful (almost excited) to learn there was a reason for feeling/being an outcast. Knowing earlier would have save a lot of self-blame and self-loathing.
Dr. K, you're making a big difference in people's lives. As a high-functioning adult with ADHD, a lot of this advice is stuff I already knew implicitly, but to hear it explained in a clearer way than I've previously thought about is very useful. Thank you for your work!
I have been particularly good about not hating myself for being different, but even then once i found out I had adhd, I still had so much that I needed to forgive myself for. Really shows how important it is to keep working on yourself. And recognize that that extra work will take extra time our of your day but it's worth it.
You’ve just described my 4 year cycle.
Every 3-4 years of trying to make a life and a home I burn out, shut down and disassociate. My life peals back to work, food, workout and sleep; nothing else, and I really do mean nothing.
Nowhere feels like home because I cant put down roots. My life literally starts again after a year or so of being a robot; then its a new place, new friends, new job.
Im 36 and as yet undiagnosed. I was completely unaware of what I was doing until about a year ago. I always thought I was just a bit simple, ditzy and have just floated through life like a boat without a rudder.
Seek a diagnosis it’s not always adhd and a lot of things look a lot like it and it knowing any specific disorder helps tremendously
I can recommend dont move to new place constantly, I guess this is part of that symptom setup, mimimum comes from depression and that vicious cycle.... coz moving to new place is very straining to anyone and social relations for me are extremely slow to build due to ADHD, so while practical terms move could work, in social sense nope, I cant recover.
I can see mild 4 year cycles in my life too but Im late 30s now and social life aint as butterfly smooth as when was 19-22. Nothing bad with that basic loop though, most of people I know have that and they meet relatives, friends on weekend; weeklife is very basic going to work. It is dangerous to compare to early 20s your life, which was dopamine filled for me, almost constantly new and exciting things "new start" whenever wanted, but this is more like regular life for majority of people out there. Gotta just choose and very small bits of life try to find solutions, not throw out table and start from scratch when feel it is not working. So K's therapy suggestion could work for you, how to use calendar etc and work on self esteem, to find root causes in that loop.
The burnout cycle for me is about 3 years. I’m 41 and my clinical psychologist has suggested I get a formal diagnosis for ADHD. I just did a 10-year stretch with a counsellor who constantly told me I was unconsciously choosing to find life this overwhelming. It wasn’t until I saw the psychologist that I realised something else might be going on. I’ve spent my whole life feeling like sh1t about myself for “choosing” to be like this.
@@BanjoPixelSnack Fuck, I’m sorry. One of my biggest fears atm is going for the diagnosis and being told its just me screwing up.
@@effexon Not everybody can affor to "not move". Relationships end, you move out, you lose a job and get a new one elsewhere, you move again. Such is life.
But yeah, my cycle lasts about 2,5 years, or at least that's the longest one I had so far :'D
I had a psychiatrist claim I didn't have adhd (this was a rediagnosis) because I could use schedules... like wtf... scheduling is a coping mechanism for the chaos that is my life.
same, i had a psychiatrist claim that i didn't have adhd because i actually somehow passed high school. my extreme burnout and my suicide attempt on my final year never bothered her i guess
same, but not for the reasons you think. the DSM changed, inattentive adhd doesnt exist in the system anymore, and some of the symptoms that COULD net me a diagnosis could be brushed off as Autism/anxiety/depression/etc. soooo best i can do is get an "anxiety med" that also alleviates some adhd stuff.
Ironic, because Autism, anxiety and depression, especially the last 2 are highly correlative to ADHD. @@liz_violet
I had an LFMT tell me (at an ADHD assessment intake appointment) that I can't have ADHD cause I'm an ok driver. Like what ??
@@AmiCestLaVie Geeze. "You can tell, by the way she drinks a soda pop, that she is a good dancer!" ~The Proposal, just as irrelevant.
OMG...I'm 70 years old and I feel like my entire college and and early schooling was just described in this video. Especially, the forgetting homework and tests. I had forgotten how much I struggled. I wish this info had been available to me earlier in life. For the younger ADHDers out there, there is hope. Over time, I found some coping on my own. Dr. K is right - put a priority on being organized. Have systems for daily tasks. Don't live in disorder (this can be difficult if you live with someone who is messy or have kids). Read philosophy - I particularly learned a lot from Budhism and Stoicism. Aerobic exercise daily. Meditate. Develop a good sense of humor. Life is absurd - not everything has to be rational. Finally, watch your diet. I had a heart attack at sixty and moved to a plant-dominant diet. Cutting out sugar and other crappy foods really calmed my mind. Over time, I've also learned the value of supplements. Omega3, Magnesium and Taurine help the brain and will help you sleep after a stressful day. Vitamin D also helps the immune system. Most important, learn to accept yourself. Success is as much about what you overcome as it is about actual accomplishments. Don't compare yourself to others. Just focus on improving yourself. Finally, adopt gratitude as your attitude.
I'm watching this on lunch break at work while struggling to focus on my task at hand and it made me tear up thinking about how relatable that post is. I'm sure all of us who are affected have similar experiences, and I really hope the world can somehow be more sympathetic to our situation sometimes, but the fact is that it's just harder for ADHD people to adjust into adulthood. Dr. K, thank you for spreading awareness and providing helpful support.
I have never cried over anything as much as watching this video. Nearly 40 years of tears. I felt every bit of this so so much and I mourn for the child I was. I never even thought it was ADHD until about 3 years ago and still waiting for a diagnosis. I am trying so so hard and I hope life will be better
That's just... rough beyond words. I hope you get clarity and that you get a grip on your life.
I'm a 31-year-old adult with the same condition. In my case, I can confirm that chronic depression is a consequence of ADHD. One thing that has always amazed me is math, for example. Even though I was quick at performing simple calculations in my mind, my short-term memory wouldn't allow me to retain various sequences of numbers that I would later need to work with. My order and sequence were a mess. Interestingly, when I had to study with an individual tutor, they could confirm that math itself wasn't hard for me, but understanding the sequences and processes was difficult. So, every time I needed to take a test, I had to rely on the rush of adrenaline at the end of the review because this fight-or-flight response helped me focus and excel on the test. Ironically, I was misunderstood as lazy because of this.
29, female here and absolutely same. It's wild to me that other people don't have this experience and how we can sometimes only begin to understand that and how they even work and function (that well) when we ourselves find the right meds and dosage (not medicated yet, but was 19 years ago, which I had to quit due to severe weight loss, ugh). Wishing the best to all of us
@@Chizuru94 for you case scenario, did you have to take the stimulant or non-stimulant one? I'm in an ongoing process to determine my type, based on the side effects.
Math has always been a problem because of poor memory!!
Math isn't about memory - well, basic math is. But the kind of math you learn in university is actually more about understanding the concepts and knowing your way around certain systems. That's where cognitive abilities are very helpful. I struggled at math in school but I was able to get a bachelor's degree in computer science (including a few advanced math courses) later. Even without knowing about my ADHD. The more complex math is getting, the more you start to write down. And even calculating in your brain is a skill you can train. I was much better at doing that compared to my time in school because I wasn't so stressed out in the university environment.
I was good at math and loved it because I saw it as a puzzle and I had fun solving puzzles. I was actually on a math-letes team in elementary school, but I got made fun of because I would always count on my hands lol. (I realize now it helped me focus and lessened the load on my working memory.) To this day, I SUCK at doing mental math that requires multiple steps for this reason.
This is exactly me. I have really extreme ADHD, but I'm also really studious and dedicated otherwise. I seem like a quiet introvert to people, but it's because I'm usually very tired. I don't mind working hard, but it takes so much mental energy to keep myself focused that after a while, I just shut down after too many days in a row. Not just mentally either, some times I couldn't even get out of my bed for days because of the exhaustion I felt.
It happened really bad in college, the first 2 months of a semester I'd have straight A's, study for every test, do all the homework, but during the last two months, I'd burn out and barely do some class while trying to keep up in 1 or 2 ones I really couldn't afford to fail.
My brain just doesn't turn off, if I'm not doing school work, I have a hard time letting myself just rest as I'll still be trying to work on personal coding projects or learning another language for hours after class.
Finding a time and place to just let myself not worry about doing things is really helpful for not letting myself shut down. I have to watch my sleep schedule very closely as I will stay up for days when I get hyper focused on something if left unchecked.
I can so relate to this. I tend to have cycles where my mind has energy and can initiate tasks, but it doesn't shut off and I can almost feel the overactivity eating up my brain energy. Then sure enough a week or so later, I burn out and can't do anything for another week or so only to start the cycle over again. Totally agree that finding time to rest and not have any obligations or things to worry about definitely does help. Just tough to balance.
I'm burning out after month or so, I get you. I'm the same.
Maniacal -deoressive but with attention instead of mood.
@@DJ5780 having no obligations is so great for me. i saved some money through investments and live really cheap at the moment so I can basically have very few obligations and have time to chill.
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I’m basically reading a script of my life right here. Thank you, it’s nice to know that other people understand
0:18: 😔 The speaker feels overwhelmed and exhausted, struggling to keep up with others and wanting to do more.
3:56: 🧠 People with ADHD require more effort to complete the same amount of work.
7:57: ⏰ Chronic stress from constant deadlines can lead to exhaustion and high cortisol levels.
12:31: 😔 Children with ADHD often feel there is something fundamentally wrong with them due to their different attention abilities.
16:14: 📚 Tips for staying organized and productive with ADHD.
Recap by Tammy AI
The part about “taking 4hrs to do 1hr of work. But capable enough to create 2hrs of output from 1hr of work”
Story of my goddamn life. The rare moments where 1 hr of my time actually computes to 1hr of output have been absolutely magical. I have found that activities which force you to move your body are the best for reducing distraction and maximizing output for an ADHD brain. Physical labor (especially detail oriented, skilled physical labor ie. Wood working, tile work, masonry, etc) should be sought out by all those suffering with ADHD. Avoid computers at all cost.
I have always struggled immensely with computers to the point of despising them. The only things I seem to enjoy that dont make me spiral are art and physical activities. I've always thought I was some kind of failure for lacking so much academically. I only got though school because of teachers and students helping me, but now that I have started college, I have failed everything consistently. The only class I have done well in is art. But that's not the "important" one. When I sit down in front of a computer to do classes my stomach immediately drops. I feel suffocated like I've already failed before I even start. Making myself do computer work is like forcing a finger down my throat to throw up. I tried explaining this to my mom and she told me I'm stressed because I just need to get on top of my work and I'll feel better once I get it done. But the issue is that it will never get done. It takes me hours to do something that would take someone else 30 minutes. She think I'm just being lazy. I've never been diagnosed but I just discovered the symptoms of adhd recently and everything these people struggle with are the exact things I've been struggling with my entire life. I've dealt with so much self hatred and shame because of the way my mind works. And no one has any sympathy. They just think I'm being difficult. Everyone complains about doing work and it being stressful but just one class is enough to make me have a meltdown. Every time I have gone to the computer to try and get work done I have cried. At this point, I don't think it's normal.
Edit: I forgot to add that because the work gives me so much anxiety and put it off until there's a large amount of unfinished work. Then it's nearly impossible for me to finish considering how long it takes me to just do 1 assignment.
This resonates! Both the quote from the video and your experience. I’m in my mid 30s and it’s my experience too. My corporate job on the computer is such a daily uphill slog when that is not the case for so many other contexts.
I'm a cashier and I'm always asking for stuff from the back to process because otherwise I'd start to go insane. Something to do with my hands.
Me sitting here working my desk job wishing I had a more physical job but struggle bc I also like I get to work at home 🙃
Mobility disorders are more common in those with ADHD. Many of us can't do physical labor.
I'm sobbing while I listen to this. I was like 80% sure that I have ADHD and now I'm like 100% sure. Thanks for saying all those things you said. I might not be cured. I might not achieve things I have always wanted but I'll still be kind to myself, I'll try to make up for the years of abuse I have subjected myself to, I'll try and start loving myself.
Get tested! You feel relieved when you know the truth :)
Me too. 😭 I was diagnosed a few months ago at 32, but I'm still coming to the realization just how much it has affected me throughout my life and the perception I carry of myself.
@@heartsandpulseras I got diagnosed like 6 months ago at age 32 and I sometimes have a hard time accepting it. I sometimes get the sense i was just anxious during the test or there is something else wrong with me. But then I have moments where the diagnosis makes since. And I just-it’s just all overwhelming.
The thing is my brain doesn't stop abusing me, especially if the talent to loose a blue elephant in a pink room continues.
@@annasaddiction5129 at this point a good therapist with experience in helping adults with ADHD is crucial. This is how I cope. Also get and ADHD coach if you can.
I thought I was unique growing up. Now I realise that this is a very common story for ppl with adhd. It's very comforting to know I'm not the only one going through this ❤
We're many! We're actually quite a significant portion of humanity and we bring A LOT to the table, due to having another perspective!
I just had my crash and burn at 20. Aerospace engineering junior year, had my first ever panic attack and just completely shut down as well as having a bunch of health issues. 6 months post the start of this mess and I’m happy to say I’ve escaped the pit of health/work anxiety. For a solid month I was convinced I was going to die. I was just waiting every day, spending time with my family because it felt like my brain was broken. I had such chronic stress that my head was throbbing every single day from the muscle tension on my head. I tried to cover the adhd with medication, which worked great for a long while, but the constant pushing finally does break you at some point. Gonna try psychotherapy instead I think, thank you dr k
kinda made me cry when i saw the "i'm not enough", felt that, and because i feel this way everyday
I was actually diagnosed with ADHD 8 years ago. Also suffered severe depression and mental disorder. Not until my mom recommended me to psilocybin mushrooms treatment. Psilocybin treatment saved my life honestly. 4 years totally clean. Never thought I would be saying this about mushrooms.
they saved you from death bud, lets be honest here. and mushrooms are one of the most amazing things on this planet i wish people would all realize. they could solve a lot of problems, more than just mental treatments, environmental clean up; the possibilities are endless with fungus.
I've been looking to try shrooms for depression, just very difficult to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
YES very sure of Dr.alishrooms. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
How do I reach out to him?is he on insta
Yes he's Dr.alishrooms.Lsd and psilocybin are amazing teachers along its dmt mah dudes have safe trips all. Shrooms are blessings from nature.
🎯 Key Takeaways for quick navigation:
00:00 🧠 People with ADHD may feel drained because it takes them more effort and time to complete tasks compared to neurotypical individuals.
02:57 📚 ADHD is often missed in childhood, and when diagnosed later in life, individuals may experience fatigue as they catch up to their peers' life progress.
08:29 💼 Chronic stress, common in ADHD individuals, can lead to fatigue and mental depletion due to the constant activation of the cortisol system.
10:14 🤔 People with ADHD may blame themselves for their exhaustion, feeling they are not doing enough, which is often a result of early negative self-perception.
15:17 🗂️ Learning organizational skills, working on confidence, and seeking therapy can help individuals with ADHD better manage their condition and thrive in life.
Made with HARPA AI
Thanks
Cheers, I got ADHD, and I started reading the comments instead of listening to the video at like 10 minute mark.
now I haven't missed anything :)
@@Angel2kindsman I had to restart the video 5 times already and keep drifting off I'm just giving up
That happens to me all the time. I think its a short term memory problem. I can't hold the info in my head from the beginning of a sentence until the end. So I don't know what the point is.
Oh wow just learn organisation skills. Amazing none of us ever thought of that before.
I am so thankful for this video. I am 29, and i just got diagnosed 8 months ago. Medicine and psychotherapy have done wonders in changing my life, but there's always this negative feedback deep within that whispers that I am not doing enough and that I am not enough.
These thoughts are so intrinsic and nefarious in every aspect of my life that it sometimes feels like adhd is the excuse for everything. No friends? No energy bc of ADHD. Hyper emotional dysregulation? ADHD. Can't keep up at work? ADHD, ADHD, ADHD.
I just wish that those people around would notice just how hard we're always working.
If possible, could you please explain how we can categorise this issue as ADHD, when the characteristics of the person doesn't seem to be that of a real ADHD person like hyperactiveness, inattention,memory issues and so on.
I didn’t get my diagnosis until 2 months ago, I’m 40. Since I started watching Dr. K’s videos, my entire life is beginning to make sense. I can’t believe I’ve gone this far for this long just struggling. I was also diagnosed with chronic PTSD, but before both diagnosis I would often tell my husband I was exhausted with life. The kind of exhaustion that an 85 year old person feels when they are just ready to throw in the towel. I felt so conflicted because I’m not suicidal, but always so exhausted with life. I never knew what to make of that, now I do.
I always did well in school because I taught myself when I got home. Math for me was troubling because teachers moved quick and I was still trying to process the concept from 20 mins ago. I figured it out on my own. Always.
Oh man I literally cried between 11:00 and 15:00. I’m 35 years old and I’ve never heard it put like this before. All of my life I’ve been punished and belittled (“men have a selective memory, you know”) for my memory issues. I remember vividly a teacher that had it out for me in 7th grade, often telling me and my parents that my “head is in the clouds,” and so decades later I still think about this often and repeat the same words, or worse, about myself.
Thank you so much for this video, seriously.
Keep learning more about ADHD. Not only may tricks help you. But also understanding ADHD will clarify why you do the way you do and that will reduce shame. How to ADHD is a very adhd friendly channel (stimulating & clear videos) that talks all about it. Good luck
I cried too lmao I said "Oh shit" so loud that I scared myself
My ogre teacher was in 1st grade, and she lived in my head rent free until I was 27-EMDR and therapy helped, but she still visits from time to time. I feel you.
"I still think about this often and repeat the same words, or worse, about myself"
I think this is called an Introject.
Look up a negative Introject and hopefully it helps. 👍
Was just diagnosed in the last 2 weeks I have inattentive ADHD, I’m currently 36 and now I’m realising so much of my problems such as the “I’m not enough, the tiredness, the feeling of pushing a boulder uphill, depression and anxiety” this video is very helpful, thank you very much for posting it and allowing me to understand myself better
It's like you typed this out of my mind, minus the official diagnosis part. I FEEL this comment in the depths of my soul and my heart goes out to you. I've recently started looking for specialists in my area so hopefully I'll have some answers soon enough.
Just out of curiosity, what did you think of people with adhd before you were diagnosed? I'm just curious about people's perspective on adhd when "they don't have it"
@penderyn8794 yup 👍🏼 which is why you do your research and seek a professional.
36 here as well, in the same boat as you
@g_g... I'm 33 and started figuring out I maybe/ probably had ADHD around age 28. I've been told by professionals that I'm a classic case of it since getting an official diagnosis age 30. I didn't really think much about ADHD, didn't know enough about it. Thought about hyperactivity and extreme distractability stereotypes maybe? I didn't know what was genuinely ADHD and if it was a real medical condition or how often it was just a way to colloquially describe different personalities and being more extreme on certain scales. I thought about Stiles on Teen Wolf being kinda classic ADHD though and canon as a character with it I think. Idk. I mostly didn't think much of ADHD or know many people with it. I was only vaguely aware my cousin was medicated for it. And that was about it in terms of real life connections to it. He was a wild (very impulsive) child in some ways but also very smart and idk. I think many people in my family have ADHD but for a long time he was the only one diagnosed. So ADHD symptoms just seemed normal to me. Gilmore Girls fast talking just felt like normal speed talking to my family. Gilmore Girls is a bunch of undiagnosed ADHD women I now realize (Rory, Lorelai, Sookie, Lane, probably Paris) and at the time it never would've crossed my mind but I felt a deep affinity with the show.
I feel this so hard. It can be hard to grow up feeling like you're inadequate especially while people keep telling you that you're smart. It makes self actualization pretty difficult when it feels like everyone else can do things so much more easily. I've done what I can not to use my ADHD as an excuse not to try, but when other people see a different version of you than you do, you can't help but have that sense of inadequacy reinforced. Always appreciate the tips and insight Dr. K has to offer.
I find "being smart" abusive just like being pretty is nowadays common thing people rebel against many ways. I take lot of times "but youre so smart" actually reads "why are you difficult causing me trouble, Id expect you be pleasant invisible robot doing as told". A bit overthetop interpretation but thats how it feels, coz they are not interested in you as person but how you could perform better, like a machine.
28 years old here, got diagnosed with ADD in january-february of this year. I thought I was just fundamentally broken. I thought it was just depression, so when I felt better I went back to grind and burned out. Depression set back in. I've wasted hundreds, HUNDREDS of dollars on prozac for almost 10 years (the damn medicine isn't cheap where I live) and innumerable sessions with my psychiatrist (I was also not the best patient, give her a break, I would go back in and out of therapy periodically). We finally hit the nail in the head, because appearently we just had never talked about my childhood and how I was raised up, and some of the difficulties I had among many. I was ready to die, I didn't even finish university because now I've got this trauma with it, it was bad.
But the moment I started taking the medicine and reading about this... just damn. It's such a game changer. I work now, I do martial arts now... I get it now. And 28 years is hard to rewire, but I get it now.
what medication. did you read about it first or at the same time?
Try re-wiring 43 years w/o meds & therapy. LOL
Id guess rewiring is possible sticking to meds, but problem can come if you have SO who also has neuronontypical problems. If ya lucky with someone non ADHD related issues, then it can go fine and they can see change, which should help in process. ADHD, bipolar and other issues make us self centered and not help at all, maybe even make it worse by accidentally projecting some stupid shit which then sticks for days, breaks self esteem and those routines... and many then stop meds (bipolar common thing) coz "they dont feel themselves and creativity".... very common thing, based just on contemporary feeling(I get this could make sense but would need calendar approach to predict problem times,seasons of year and when this is bad and so on, context spesific knowledge to apply).
What medicine?
I dont think i have adhd but these kinds of videos help me alot and are extreamly compassionate and understanding then the whole "just make a planner" or "he just needs to apply himself" i got from all the schools i went to
I just have to thank you so much for this video. This is EXACTLY one of the things I struggle with most. I feel like it takes so much more effort to do things than others, I feel that I could be doing better, yet it also makes me feel lazy and like I’m not doing enough and that it’s my fault. This video made me tear up, I finally don’t feel alone
I'd be interested in seeing how a dual diagnosis of ADHD and Autism changes the strategies for this. I didn't get diagnosed with ASD until last year at the tender age of 42, and it explained so many things that the ADHD part didn't cover. I feel like it's also the reason why some of the ADHD strategies that are supposed to be helpful never really panned out for me.
Yeah, autistic here too, with a partner with diagnosed ADHD. I see some similarities with them but some very different. Always curious if it's just autistic vs ADHD flavors or if I've some ADD as well
@@ValKinmanHonestly it feels like having to snakes eat each others tails.
I feel like I could mask my squigglishness pretty well because I was playing in my head. Autistic Passion with ADHD Flow can really absorb your for a long period of time without draining, but only for the passion. For the boring stuff it takes even longer.
Processing time is slower but putting things in a structure is easy. Sticking to said structure is the hard part. But we are creative enough to come up with a new structure.
Best strategy for me is to have a flexible structure. Do these five things in the morning in any sequence you want.
Stimming for emotional regulation is far more important for AuDHS people. Unregulated emotions will drain you out to burnout.
Same. I've seem people recommend having someome sit next to you at work to keep you on track. For me, that would absolutely tank my ability to do any work and make everything even more exhausting.
I see how it would in theory work. But the anxiety being watched like that triggers will do more damage.
I have to work from home because just existing in an open office environment is painful.
@@emilwandel LMAO the snakes analogy made me cackle SO hard at the accuracy, thank you for that
There's a term in cooking called mise en place that essentially means to get all of your ingredients measured and grouped together so they're easily reachable. Your point about calendars and coping reminded me of that.
Which is cool. But won't help with cooking when you have sensor issues from the cooking process LOL. Sometimes it's about getting your prep right. But other times, it's about ditching stuff that doesn't work for you and go for what actually does. Like being good at being with ppl who like cooking and hate when anyone meddles anyways. Or knowing your foods n devices that let you skip steps you loathe (rice cooker Mia is my beloved, cherished kitchen friend).
There are many ways to take for us!
@@KxNOxUTA
There are ways to reduce or even avoid sensory issues with ingredient preparation, but sadly a lot of them result in more stuff to wash up, so you may have to choose which sensations you can deal with. I personally tend to favour the “minimal dishwashing” route because that’s usually the one I can tolerate better.
Mise en place is what I thought of. I tried to work in a bakery once and it drove mad that they were running all over the kitchen to get stuff. I couldn't cut it like that.
I have applied this concept to my work. Project outlines and planning is key. Layout what you need in advanced then execute. I see it also as minimizing stress and the need to think on other things. Just focus on the act
I don't have a diagnosis (at 38), but this all rang very true to me. The failing in life, the distractibility, the fact that everything takes 4x more time to get done than it should. I'm exhausted, and as another commenter mentioned, it's life that feels like the deadline. But I also live with not one but TWO full time attention seeking narcissists, and I can't help but blame them for making everything take so much longer than it does. Every coping mechanism I've ever tried to create to get things done and get through my day is sabotaged. I want to move, leave, gtfo, cause I'm convinced if I just had a quiet and stable starting point I'd be able to get my act together, but the steps needed to get independence make it impossible. I don't honestly know what to do other than wait for them to die, at this point, and hope I'm not so old my life has passed me by by then. So...depression. Yay.
i’m sorry, i really hope you’ll have the chance to get back on your feet on your own terms :(
When I was around 10 a teacher said the same thing to me. "You are very smart, but you need to apply yourself." When I heard you say it almost word for word I almost cried. Healing will begin taking place 🙏 Happy I came across your video
You've got no idea what this video means to me. Your analysis perfectly encapsulates my recent turmoil. I'm a 19F who only recently self-diagnosed as ADHD, I relate to a lot of the symptoms but feel constantly drained, which seems a less common symptom than hyperactivity. I've been second-guessing myself a lot recently, asking if I self-diagnosed for attention or an excuse, but the more I think on my childhood the more apparent it seems. There were so many obvious signs and red flags I'm surprised nobody noticed sooner. People have said ADHD doesn't just manifest suddenly in adulthood and while logically I know it's more complex than that, these doubts have been brewing in my mind. I could go on, but you get probably hundreds of comments like this; even if you don't need to hear it, I need to say it. Your channel helps a lot. It really, really does. Thank you so much.
For my personal experince I like using medication to help me find my baseline so I know how it feels. Then I use the calm and confidence this baseline creates to establish a routine with my therapist. There's no rush but the goal is to eventually come off of the medication. I did this when my depression became really bad, and again when my anxiety became really bad, and now Im in the first steps with my ADHD. A holistic approach is my favorite.
I really wish someone sat me down and talked to me this way when I was a kid. Great eye opening conversation and video.
Yes! I subbed after the first video of his I watched. He does a great job at making you feel like you’re in a safe space on his channel.
Maybe it's part of my own ADHD trauma processing, but lately I've been feeling less like playing the cards dealt to me and more like flipping the table and chewing out the dealer for forcing us all into such a cruel and unfair game in the first place. Got a ways to go, I guess...
This was so relatable! As an adult, I use about a million planners (Hero's Journal, Notion, Sunsama, Todoist, seriously way too many) and set goals constantly. I'm able to keep up with my high-stress UX job, but I am still always tired just like you describe, and I always feel behind even if I'm not. The feeling of never enough is omnipresent.
Can you talk about how gender/societal expectation plays a role in the symptoms of ADHD in kids? I got straight A's and never cut in line because it was seen as rude and unladylike, but was very fidgety, couldn't just sit and watch TV, ate way too fast or way too slow, and often forgot to do chores on time.
63 year old non-gamer here, diagnosed with ADHD 20 years ago. Still struggling just the way described in this video, but finding this talk SO HELPFUL! So glad I found your channel. Thank you 😊
I have ADHD. School and productivity were always such a struggle for me, because my parents always just assumed I was lazy and distracted by hanging out with friends and playing video games all the time. It was such a blessing when I finally did some research, realized there was actually something wrong with me psychologically, and got a diagnosis. Me and my parents are now finally on the same page and we can work together to help me fulfill my responsibilities instead of us always fighting each other.
ADHD is probably the single most misunderstood mental disorder out there. When people think of ADHD they think of someone who can't stand still, is full of energy, and is always multitasking. While these characterizations can be true, they fail to capture the single most impactful-and most debilitating aspect of ADHD: attention deficit. When I was talking to my psychiatrist, they told me that ADHD is fundamentally a disorder of motivation; your brain simply doesn't respond to things the same way other people's brains do, and this makes you profoundly unmotivated to do things like school, work, chores, etc. You are always late to turn things in, always forgetting about your responsibilities, and it's impossible for you to stick to a schedule. In many ways, ADHD is most comparable to chronic depression. You just can't motivate yourself to do anything because your brain either doesn't produce enough hormones or isn't receptive to them. Far from being full of energy, this causes you to feel excessively drained because you have to spend extra mental energy to force yourself to do something you're fundamentally unmotivated to do. It isn't because you're lazy, or immature, or irresponsible. It isn't a character or personality flaw. It's a very real and physical problem with your brain.
My ADHD is harder on the people around me than me. I'm 50 and still learning how to manage my day to day life. I got diagnosed when I was 38 and it was one of the most impactful days of my entire life when I sat across from the psychologist and he told me how my life was accurately. It was the first time someone "got it"
I like that you changed the description for the guide to “choose your own adventure” it makes it clearer and shows off what’s actually unique. Before it sounded like anyone else’s course if you don’t already know dr.k
Yeah, it hyped me up and I was initially dismissing any kind of free course before
This video hits so close to home, I went to so many teacher conferences as a kid and went out feeling like a failure from the inside out. I’m so grateful to creators like Dr.K for normalizing self development because my negative self talk dug me in a hole that took years for me to get out of. To anyone reading this, keep working on yourself. It does get way better!
This brings tears to my eyes....to know that we are all good enough. This has been the steepest hill in life is understanding why we are different, why we feel things differently...this explains so much.
28 year old male here. About ~14:00 mark you’ve said some things I’ve needed to hear since I was a child which has me in tears. Thank you for what you do! Great channel.
For perspective, ADHD diagnosis at 7 years old. Depression/anxiety by 21. (I’m thriving by most people’s standards, but ‘not doing enough’ by my own). You’ve managed to conceptualize scattered ideas and thoughts I’ve had for years into single paragraphs or sentences. Please never stop doing what you’re doing!
I did get diagnosed with ADHD before I even went to school, but Frontier Elementary and Prairie Hills Middle did absolutely nothing to meaningfully accommodate my needs. So I got to grow up with the crushing depression and fatigue of being 'worse than everyone else' even though I did have a diagnosis and did know what it means. It was always "you have this, but don't use it as an excuse..." when it really was the reason I couldn't succeed.
This video was bringing back distressing feelings from college for me that ultimately influence me to not pursue past my bachelor's. Between this and the counseling of a friend who struggles with ADHD, I realize I may be one of those adults who went undiagnosed (not surprising, given I am in ny 40's)
Crying! I was diagnosed at 40 and feel all of this. My son was just diagnosed at age 6. We are now in fairly intense family therapy with a psychologist and SLP team to help me and him get him some executive function and social skills.
I got As in every class when in High School. Just not all at once. It made a big difference how the teacher interacted w me, and how rowdy the class was. I excelled in smaller classes, and fewer classes in college and summer school.
This explains so much. High school was actually easy mode for me in classes I could just show up to and listen. So was the first semester of college, then the second got harder and I failed a class for the first time ever. It destroyed me and made me feel like I wasn’t enough so hard I drowned the third semester and flunked out. It took me four tries to get an associates degree from a community college, the whole time I felt so stupid it was so hard, and my family mocked me for it. I wish I had this perspective back then.
I'm 23, and now been diagnosed for 3, almost 4 months. Still unpacking everything.
Despite a chaotic upbringing, I was always at the top of my class, no matter how many times I had switched schools that year. In a way, I kind of found it fun to figure out what we had and hadn't gone over yet. By the end of high school, when things finally stabilized, I ended up scoring a 1420 on my SAT with zero studying or prep.
And yet... I always failed to understand social and romantic cues. I was told that I would be more useful if I could understand what needed done. Apart from one or two friends, that I barely remember the names of, I never went to a single birthday party, and all of mine were only ever done with family. I remember screaming at myself alone at home, steaming hot water running down my back from the impossibly hot showers I still take, to actually _do_ something for once. I still couldn't.
I found a good group of friends in high school, so if someone actually reads this, I'm doing good now lol. I am planning to go to college finally.
Shit's rough, my dudes.
I’m so grateful for videos like this. It’s bittersweet to be discovering in my 30s that my entire life condition is the result of undiagnosed ADHD. Really makes me wish someone paid attention when I was a kid, would have saved me a couple of decades or struggle.
Seriously! But can we blame our parents for this?
I’ve been struggling a lot at work lately. I’ve been listening do Dr. K ALL weekend. I literally work with kids who have ADHD. Never occurred to me that I may have it too. I’m calling my doctor as soon as they open. I need to see someone.
Holy shit the “he’s so smart he just needs to apply himself,” and the “I’m just stupid even though I’m applying myself” I’m 21 dropped out of college twice always got bad grades in high school. I hate my self, I grew up with a “I’m trying so what’s wrong with me,”
I think about my life now with medication vs an diagnosed ADHD growing up and it’s really hard not to be bitter about it. I suffered through it and there was a fix and I suffered instead.
Wow….. I got diagnosed with adhd when I was 30( moved out of my parents at 27) but the two drs I have had both made it seem like it was weird that I did well in school . But this hits the nail on the head and makes so much sense . I did develop “ weird “ ways to do well in school and if I looked at my notes right before a test I was able to almost have a short term photographic memory. I never retained it but I did very well on tests by being able to do that. But yea it wasn’t until about a year and half of living on my own with my fiancé that I felt like something was so wrong and I was failing and I couldn’t organize our home or keep it clean and I wasn’t forgetting to pay bills but then I would spend hours doing whatever craft I was interested in at that moment …. I felt like I didn’t know how to be an adult at almost 30yrs old meanwhile everyone else seemed to be doing fine . And then about another year and a half later I finally went to see a psychiatrist and yea I’m on the high end of inattentive adhd. But I love when the dots continue to connect ! Thank you for Sharing this information 💜
Holy crap, he is literally describing me! My childhood!
It doesn’t help that at 6 yrs old my teacher essentially told me that I was not good, that I was not enough. She made me recite the mantra “I must work faster!” Now 35 odd years later, that has stuck with me, and I still think that I am working too slowly, that I must work faster. The last few years living in a constant stressed state is taking a big toll on me.
I'm 59. This is definitely me growing up. Now I own my own successful business. And Yes, I'm Smart. Interesting to listen to though. Thanks Doc.
This video made me cry. It is like someone who knew me my whole life speaked about me
I developped a lot of strategies growing up to be able to meet expectations. Some things never worked though : always late everywhere, except when it's important. Put 3 alarms, get there earlier, prepare for this event and leaving everything else aside. Then I go this "if you would make the effort" or "if your job is important you should" or even "If I am important to you"... I tried to apply the 3 alarms thing, double calendar, be there earlier for everything, but eventually it led to burn out and I was so stressed all the time about "being there on time and being prepared every day" just to show that I cared. I found a job where my ADHD is an advantage, and on the other side no one cares about at what time I get in as long as my job is done and Im there when it's necessary.
But still, I am tired. My problem, I have many things going on and I depend on people to finish something so Im unorgonized all the time.
I cant find a job where it's an advantage.
@@aleksandrakowalczyk6043 I found a job in continuous improvement, in a company where I can be there at 6 or 7 in the morning, but no one will say anything if I am there at 8. I can, on the other hand, stay later in the evening to finish something or to work with people on the evening shift.
There is plenty of variety in the kind of projects I work on which can keep me motivated. I work in the shop when I can't focus on the computer or I hyperfocus on the computer and I can do a lot of work in a short amount of time.
I have the latitude I need to make some research on concepts that I find interesting and I use the company as a laboratory to test some of those concept. Since I am expected to bring change due to my role, it becomes legitimate in a way instead of being disturbing.
I drive kaizen activities, where I can think differenlty and ask questions to guide people into thinking outside of the box.
I am like a consultant but as an employee. I drive may projects at once, small or big, working more with an agile approach which I feel makes sense with adhd.
But since I got a pretty atypical profile, finding a satisfyin job have been quite a struggle. But it can happen, keep hope! :)
whats that job. i hate working a 9/5 job :/ so i dont do it
@@moveback7913 Continuous improvement, but I think it also has to do with the environment. Some employers can be very rigid and when they value you on how you can be predictible, it can be difficult for an ADHDer. If you work on a production line, of course you have to be there on time for your shift, but it's not a requirement for every job. I found a place where I support people and processes on the production, I can be there early if I have to meet a group of people and make some observations, but I still have to be there late sometimes. I have deadlines, (self imposed) but I can manage to work at my own speed, on my own terms and still meet my deadlines. As long as my job is done and I get results, everything is fine. Sometimes I work on bigger projects, and the challenge is to be able to give some feedback to the direction. I took the initiative of building charts and reports... it takes time, but reassures those around me about the work that is done and that it is still relevant.
One thing also, is that there was an opportunity window with labour shortage, I would never have got this job without this condition since I didn't study in that field, AND I was lucky enough to be hired be someone who was open minded enough to take the time to interview the strange girl with the scattered work experience and the irrelevant resume. These opportunities are rare and It's the first time at 45 years old that I can really say that I love my job. When I applied it was like throwing a bottle in the sea and it took weeks before they contacted me...
I’m not officially diagnosed with ADHD but there is a suspicion from our company doctor so luckily I got some helpful counseling. This video and explanation makes so much sense! So I’m definitely going to watch a few more videos. But the reason I’m posting the comment though: From now on I’m referring to all of my deadlines (and some colleagues) as a pack of hyenas that are chasing me and don’t want to stop 😂😅
A psychiatrist with ADHD diagnosed me with ADHD only because I was going through a second divorce from someone who was at the time an extreme jerk when I booked an appointment to see her in hopes she could write a letter for me saying that I am mentally fit to be the main parent during divorce. Instead she false accused me of choosing romantic partners like that because according to her it was because I have A.D.H.D. I am continuing to try and put the puzzle pieces together after finding out that I am only a survivor of narcissistic abuse and domestic violence. Maybe only because I had more than one only minor hidden at times disability in effect which only made me look like more like a soft target to any person with that kind of personality disorder. It took me almost my whole working age life to figure it out. I needed help to do that. I needed to do the work too. For example when taking a sociology course in which the other day in class while the teacher showed us a video I learned what the Hopi tribe went through too while being associated with way more than one narcissist who was at the time trying to make a name for themselves.
Story of my life since the last 6 years. Before that, it wasn't HALF as bad. I attribute it to chronic stress, chronic underachievement (without beating myself up for it all the time also) and my ADHD. The older I got, the worse it got, despite me being on the hyperactive side :') And weird that Dr. K just put out another video I needed right now again. Happens way too often and it's almost psychic or smth at this point. But yeah, the lack of dopamine etc. really makes a ton of difference for some people. We can't fall asleep properly, don't feel satisfied with our days and stay up for longer, get dopamine later in the day, get stuck on stuff and have trouble waking up, controlling emotions, being in the moment and way, way more. Itsucks a ton. Hope I can get meds again someday soon after 19 years of a break since I was a kid (side effects, mainly severe weight loss D:) or at least get Wellbutrin/Bupropion for now or smth.
Also hoping Dr. K won't be biased against the ADHD here or smth or come up with some magical solutions like exercise most people throw at us or meditation.
Some people who don't have it or as severe literally have no idea and how much harm this does to us after hearing it for the x-th thousands time. It's maddening.
Exercise etc. and going outside, eating and sleeping healthy, no blue light before bed, no caffeine, sleeping with and without melatonin, socializing and more didn't
help me and only made me suicidally depressed. Now, how to explain that, ugh x-x And I always need smth to do or I get depressed also. My life got way worse after
not being able to constantly do, do, do and do smth non-stop D:
I'm in tears because I've never come across something that describes my experience from childhood to adulthood. The accuracy is scary. Every single thing resonates with me 1,000,000%
Thank you so much.
You’re so eloquent. You’ve just expressed the last seven years for me. I’ve just turned 33 and just gone on disability due to extreme burnout. Diagnosed a year ago, it’s like my entire perspective on my human experience has been flipped.
I just want to wake up and not feel like I’m at the bottom of a well, full of fear and shame from the moment I wake up.
Nothing I seem to do stops me waking up with this primal fear of others and the spectre of the day hanging over me - all possible things that could/will go wrong.