I live far from my mom and never talk to her. That's given me so much freedom in my head, it's opened up realizations of what she really did to me all these years. She tries to reach out and always says, "I'm praying for you" or "Be careful". I'm 32 years old, and she still treats me like I'm a child. Now, I have a support system that I didn't have when I was with her. I have good friends, I have a supportive partner, and I have most importantly MYSELF.
i get "i'm thinking about you" , "i love you" , "why don't you answer the phone?" ..... meanwhile i've been left out of the will and supposed to trust the golden child sister to give me my share!
Cut all ties, change phone number, close down any internet profiles (make private). If the thoughts come back it all goes back, so avoid contact. Let her die alone in silence, that is the ultimate vengeance.
Michele Did you feel guilt when you stopped talking to her? I recently decided to cut ties with my Father, sister and her family. My mom passed away 6 months ago and I was the closest to her. My father lives 2 hours away and my sister lives in the same city as me. I've always put up wit this all my life but his behavior has been worse towards me since my moms passing. She did everything for him so it was hard to be there for him when he was never there for me emotionally. I I helped him with laundry, cooking and cleaning when I would visit even money. If I didn't do these things or didn't do him a favor, he would cry to my older sister and the she and her family would harass me via text or phone. It's gotten to the point where I have been driven to depression only because I have been standing up for myself now and setting boundaries since my mother's passing. I'm just worried they will start harassing me or stalk me once they realize I stopped replying or calling them. I'm a bit afraid.
renagtz Guilt, no. Sadness, yes. I mourned a mother I knew I'd never have. But mostly I've felt freedom as I'd been caged and controlled by her since childhood. I've officially been no contact with her for 9 months. I do live far away and I've blocked certain family members on Facebook. I am in a few Facebook groups for those who have narcissist family members or exes, and this is something that I see a lot of them talking about, being harassed through proxies for the narc. The groups are closed/secret, so nobody sees the postings. The most I can tell you is to stand your ground and find people outside of your family who can be allies. I'd recommend joining a group online for victims of narcissists, because they'd have far more information on how to deal with that situation. I do hope you can get through it, though. I know how bad the mobbing can be.
My narc mother sat me down once to apologize for having started the abortion process when she was pregnant with me. I thought it was incredibly brave at first for her to admit that to me but then I came to realize that this was a fake apology, a false humility. She was actually telling me under the guise of forgiveness that she had never wanted me. She wanted me to know it without making herself look bad. She just wanted to hurt me, affect my self worth.
oh my goodness! Mine sat me down when I was 10 and said I abused you your whole life when you were very little "Im sorry you probably dont remember but it was really bad!" I sat there like thinking yes I know how you are and Im tough real tough and your a sorry bitch." I just knew she was pathetic but acting brave, its really tricky.
Going no contact is the greatest boundary that one can set. Any other boundaries will not be respected by the narcissist. I have went, stayed, and maintained no contact with my narcissistic mother for well over a year and I have healed and found myself. I did a lot of work in healing that wounded inner child in me by accepting the reality that my narcissistic mother will never be the mother that I needed. Secondly, I learned how to become the mother I needed for myself and my wounded inner child has healed.
I remember I was a very emotionally intelligent child. At one point, I remember trying to talk with my mother. Honestly just saying, "Let's talk about this like adults. I'm going to state my case." And she literally made FACES at me like a child, not taking me seriously. And I had nobody who would call her out on it and nobody who would advocate for me. As a result, I grew up feeling powerless and like there must be something wrong with me that nobody would take me seriously. Outside of my home, I was loved by my teachers and even nominated for scholarships. But the moment my mom learned about them, she said, "No! We're too poor. You can't go." It's amazing the power she had over my family, and how rational thinking couldn't fight against it. The sense of power (according to her and the rest of the family) was who could shout the loudest and who could physically overpower the other.
+Michele I can fully relate to what you are saying. Both my parents were and still are Narcs (covert master controlling mother; enabler/cerebral narc father). Can I ask, where you're father was in all of this ? Was he by any chance an enabler?
+Jodi Hansen My father was an alcoholic. The general dynamic was my mother and father were in an almost constant state of anger towards one another and we kids were often pulled into that chaos. From the beginning, I could see my mom was the dominant one while my father was more frustrated and powerless with her. When it came to us, though, he also took out his anger on us. It seemed both of them did that to us - they couldn't hurt each other, so they turned around and hurt us instead. With her, it was a source of control that never ended. With him, it was a way to project whatever he was feeling at her or at his OWN father (he had some issues with his dad) at us. He never did stand up for me or any of the rest of us when it came to her, just stood at the sidelines, even blamed us sometimes. The whole thing with my parents was one against the other, and we were simply tools.
Michele Roberts Wow, thanks for sharing. I'm sorry to hear this. All I can say, is at least you - like me and many others - are doing something truly powerful to heal our past childhood traumas & current toxic family dynamic (as painful, cathartic as it is). I guess, all we can really do is look at the much brighter future/new beginnings that will inevitably come as a result of this healing journey and make this our definitive focal point (at least that's what I'm really trying to do).
Michele your NM and mine sound identical. I'd try to "reason" with her only to be met with gaslighting every time. when I busted my ass to graduate with a 4.2 GPA and a 75% scholarship to my first choice school, she made me stay in state and go to my third choice that would pay all my bills. I'll never forgive her for destroying the first 30 years of my life.
Michele I know your pain. My mom went that far to take my daughter raise her as her and have her to scream at me horrible things. I was 17 with no job and she even made me break up with the father of my daughter. She took her and went to court told them I was not able to provide. Now my daughter is a horrible extension of her, my dad is a puppet and my brother is another golden child. I just realized couple months ago my life is a disaster not because is something wrong with me it is because she never taught me how to adequate have a life. 😔
finally i managed to quit contact with my Narcissistic Mother. You most likely dont like it what i say now, but she is just evil! After 49 yrs i realized that she isnt do me any good. Now i can live my life like i always wanted. Thanks for your advices.
Here is a list of what they usually do to their targets : - Insults their target very often. Then lie when confronted about it, or say it was a joke. - When confronted with their behavior, they pretend to be innocent and play the victim. - Everything is always your fault, even when it's obviously not. - They always have a justification for every bad thing they do. They think they're always right. - Very controlling, they tell you how to live, but they can live anyway they want. Very hypocritical. - They accuse you of what they're doing to you (RED FLAG!), it's called Projection. - Portraying themselves as angels outside, when they are actually demons with their family and especially their target. - They want you to fail, while pretending to want you to succeed (they're very convincing). - They never say they are sorry for hurting you (RED FLAG!). - Poison your favorite activities, they don't want you to be happy or to get pleasure. They also poison other useful activities like important skills which will help you in the future. They DO NOT want you to have skills, they want you to be as weak as possible. They don't teach you anything. - Subtly lead a smear campaign against their target, so they isolate it and make sure they don't get help. - When you want to leave the relationship with a narcissist, they beg you to stay with them and cry crocodile tears. They are the best actors. - Sometimes nice, sometimes cruel. You never know where you stand with them. - They pretend to be "victims", and they blame the target for their own behavior. - They are incredibly arrogant and sadistic. They see the target as weak, and deserving to suffer. - They think they are models to be followed. - They are spiritually dead although they might loudly profess some kind of Spiritual Belief.
Oblivion dark heart- wow! Thank u 4 that absolutely perfect description. Both parents were NPs, I the scapegoat, brother golden. Was able to break w them decades ago - actually held private funeral. My 43 yr old dtr. Is exactly how u described and I'm scapegoat again! Sticky situation since she has 3 kids I worry about. Not even able to forward info to the one in college since they share email and phone addresses! Jerry Wise videos have finally named these behaviors! Was working alone and on instinct even after much therapy! Just started ACOA but will c - so far, fit not quite right! Afraid to speak since soooo many have expressed blame and disgust w their codependent mothers All of whom are around my age (68)!
Agree 100% that is my mother. Narcissist love to shame you in front of others while they play the victim. You will be a perfect child to them when you are the puppet on strings and do all the dirty work for them. In some way you have to sin for them.
I too have a narcissistic sociopath for a egg donor. I have been a codependent all my life. I just woke up 6 months ago. Now i am standing up for myself. She is going to make me pay. She has turned my daughter against me. I have thought abuse was okay my whole life. I thought it was normal. After i said i was abuse my whole life out loud. It felt like a weight lifted off me. This pain i had in my stomach all my life. Finally lifted off like a brick. Both of my so called parents. Treated me like their human toilet. I have always been a extension of them. Never a real person who mattered. I was used a a whim to feed their needs. Never a kind word, no compassion or love. It is my fault for her abusive childhood. I am just like my father. When i never really knew him. He was the asshole who left me. For a new family. I will heal. I will live a happy life and love myself. We are important! We never deserved this abuse. Once you speak out and tell someone. It can only get better. You have the right to remove Toxic people from your life.
All I can say is thank you. If I were to tell you of the things my mother has done to damage my emotional well-being I would be writing for the next two weeks. She has lied about me, destroyed my relationships with some of my children and my siblings, degraded me to family and friends, broke confidences, she is just a very cruel, mean-spirited person. She has NEVER said one good thing about me or my abilities. She crushed my spirit at a very young age and I ended-up developing panic disorder which ruined my life. I am now 62 years old and cry over the life I could have had if I had recognized what was being done to me. Last year this cruel mother of mine became angry at me because I was trying to explain to her that she does get enough money monthly to live on, that she needs to stop gambling! She called the authorities on me and told them I was abusing her...she told people that I have her bank pin number so I must be stealing her money (will never admit she has a gambling problem!) That was it.... I haven't spoke to her since she accused me of elder abuse...That has been over a year ago...I now live over 2,000 miles from her...she would call a few times a day, day after day, I never once answered her calls....she finally quit calling. I feel free and somewhat at peace to know that I am a worthwhile person...I just wish it had happened sooner so I could have had a different life.
Thank you for this video, im 51 and now becoming a true version of myself after yrs of being with narcissistic parents whom i have had no contact with since 2009.
+Mysterious I am very happy you found yourself, and are truly becoming happy with yourself, but I have one question. When did you move away from your parents? I am currently 27 years old and still with with my father. I moved into my dads house shortly after my mom passed away, around the age of 15, so Ive been living with him for 10+ years. I just came to the realization that things are not getting better but slowly getting worse and worse.
+Mysterious you moved out at the age of 45, 6 years ago in 2009. Understand that I didn't want to make assumptions as you could've moved out anytime, and in the year 2009 severed contact completely.
Sorry, i moved in 2007 but stopped speaking to my parents in 2009, they are still sending flying monkey's to upset me, most i have dealt with, only one to go and i will be free as a bird. They hate not being in control and have made my life a living hell, hence the move of 120 miles away.
thank you! I am 43 years old, coming out of confusion and denial of narcissistic abuse from my entire family! I am my mother's supply. my half sister is the golden child. it's getting very bad as she ages. to complicate matters, I can't escape her. or stepfather..due to serious illness, I ended up stuck living with them. it is hell!!! for my children to have to go through this with me has been extremely traumatic for them. I can't heal under these circumstances. need hope. I'm huge on boundaries....you brought it all home. confusion is gone. I stay in a room with the door shut. I am bedridden. I don't know how to not be her supply. I'm stuck, but I now have ammo to fight back, so to speak. the only answer is to be patient, cling to faith. maintain closeness with my children who are likely suffering tons more than I am...thank you so much!
Wow, you described my life experience. And you described exactly, the crucial step which I realized very late in life, is that you have to recognize the relationship with the parents you longed for is impossible and must be grieved as one would any traumatic loss or death. That IMO is the most healing step.
I didn't even know I had a problem growing up. I just thought I was a really bad person. It wasn't until I got consulting for suicidal thoughts that eventually the therapist suggested I had suffered emotional abuse. This video was well done, very helpful.
Thank you for this video; you're spot on. As a child of an immature parent, I can relate to all of these things...I can also say it gets really bad when your mother has heart surgery because she's been bottling up 30+ years of having to put up with her husband's narcissism/personal inadequacy, and the husband STILL has the gall to start pointless arguments which are just psychological projections of their own inadequacy (or feeling thereof), causing detriment to the recovery of the mother after the surgery and the only thing you can do to calm the immature father down is leave, sacrificing what time is left with the mother for her good. People like that, as you said, will never change; it's about strengthening ourselves and removing the hostile feelings that go along with the knee-jerk reactions to their stimuli. It's not easy considering most of the tools (social skills, humility, self-confidence) people gain through life experience/growing up are non-existent in the cases of kids with immature parents. There's a lot of lip-biting involved, so carry chapstik.
Thank you for this video. I don't feel so alone after reading all these comments, I finally saw my dad was a narcissist as well as my mum, he made me feel so stupid for getting upset when I said he makes me feel bad about myself, he told me it's all my fault he is the way he is. I hope I can heal from this.
good points. basically narcisists and sociopaths have an unconscious attachment to old feelings of being marginalized and rejected. So their narcisistic and manipulative behavior is a psychological defense used to hide their own unconscious entanglement with feelings of unworthiness. The thing is that the victims of narcisists and sociopaths unconsciously gravitate towards emotions of helplessness and unworthiness as well. So they share the same unconscious unresolved issue.
I'm a grandchild of an alcoholic and this topic is helping me the most. Narcissism across the generations - I acknowledge also some my own narcissistic traits. Thanks a lot!!!
Lowering my expectations of people really helped me to let go of the pain of how badly they treated me. I no longer keep running back to my sister because I know what to expect. Learning this helped me to not be mad at her any longer. We grew up in the same alcoholic, narcissistic abusive house. My sister finds control hurting others. I no longer expect her to change and it has been freeing.
My adoptive mom was an overt Narcissist and my dad was a covert. Your example about the wedding was spot on. I had a totally different wedding from what my mom wanted. She made it an awful experience for me and even threatened not to come. She did, however, because it would have made her "look bad" if she didn't. But it was not a happy experience like it should have been. This video also explains why I'm attracted to narcissistic men as partners, the latest was covert, and others were overt or had high levels of narcissistic traits. It makes sense why I'm attracted to them, having grown up with two. I'm really working on my self-worth and self-differentiation. I am definitely highly codependent. It's hard to change, but I'm speaking up more and no longer feel as "invisible". I've recently walked away from guys who wanted to date me; the red flags of narcissism popped up a lot sooner. In fact, I'm choosing to be single right now and focusing on my own dreams and what I want from life, instead of what someone else wants. In the past, my life with my ex husband and other men I dated I would describe as their life, their "show", where I had only cameo appearances. As I got healthier, the conflict with certain people increased. Unfortunately, though, I continued to have WAY too much contact with too many narcissists and got seriously depressed because I could never feel like myself, nor "heard", nor "seen", with them. I am now limiting my time with those in my life who have NPD and/or high levels of narcissistic traits. Thanks, Jerry for this great and informative video!
My Mother is old. But the damage remains inside me-- Everything is about my mom... she only uses me-- she put a big show on so everybody just LOVED HER!! if only I was not born--I was using up her money being alive--I was not part of her plans.
Problem is I didn't know my parents were Narcissist. I tried working things out with them. Now because of you I know why they responded the way they did.
Thank you for your video. I cut ties with my mother a few days ago after years of covert abuse that I could never define. I couldn't have imagined that my mother was at the helm of all my pain. My father was no prize either. He was also a narcissist and a whole other story. They enabled each other. I just thought I was a bad daughter. It feels more wonderful than I could have ever imagined it would to cut ties with her. I have been engaging in self help and professional help most of my adult life and learning about narcissistic mothers has put a name on why I have felt such excruciatingly painful low self worth. I will continue my recovery with a new focus now.Again, thank you so much posting this, Jerry, and for all the work you do help people live the wonderful fulfilling life we all deserve.
+Pam Bonaiuto ...omg we need to swap stories.... they sound similar.... Its devastating but also really relieving when we find that we are not demons..... just regular people who've been traumatized... that's all! Love. and keep goving forward.
This video is excellent. Thank you for the work you do. I literally spent decades of my childhood and adult life in therapy without a single person ever explaining that I was suffering from a very early narcissistic disturbance. Your work reminds me a lot of Alice Miller. Thanks again.
I went NC for the first of three times while planning my wedding. My feelings mattered 0%. Great video. I didn't know about triggering shame. The third (and final) time I went NC, I did so because she was throwing a temper tantrum like a 2-year-old because I couldn't afford to go visit her 2000 miles away telling me she "couldn't believe" my life was going so badly because I couldn't afford a week long summer vacation. I reminded her that last time it cost me $1000 to visit not including time off from work and that when I arrived, I had to spend $300+ renting a car because they couldn't be bothered to pick me up (they pick lots of others up at the airport but I wasn't worth it). Then she told me I was "upsetting her" and hung up on me. Since my narcissistic parents don't believe in parents calling or contacting children and that is is our job to call them, I never called back. A few months later, I changed my phone number, email, and about 9 months later, I moved. NC for over a year for the third and final time. Thanks for posting this video Jerry. I got a lot out of it.
I've spent my whole life doing a profession I would not have otherwise chosen only because I was trying to copy my father so he would notice me. It's heartbreaking to think I could have done something else, but at least understanding this is where the healing begins I guess
Thank you so much for this. Now i know I've not been imagining things all along, and I'm not the difficult and problematic child now turned adult that I've always been painted to be by my mother. I have started the emotional distance to heal from years of physical and emotional abuse and i truly feel like i can finally breathe freely. thank you so much for this.
OMG. You are almost telling the story of what happened in my family. I had a very difficult time w/ both of my parents for much of my life and was estranged from them for a few years. Then I had TEN really great years w/ them, and I thought the bad stuff was over. Nope. My younger sister got engaged, and my mother planned her bridal shower for the day after my bday, but my mother didn't' check w/ me. I had already moved a major surgery that was as planned as possible with my two bosses, my surgeon's office and my parents (who had agreed to care for me for 2 months or longer afterwards), and with several lawyers (as I was the main witness in a federal whistleblower case at the time & so the federal judge had to also know I'd be out of commission for awhile) - I moved and changed this surgery bc even though I had reminded my mother and sister that my surgery would be sometime during the first two weeks of Jan 2007 and my recovery would be at least two months - my sister chose a wedding date of Feb 23rd, when I'd still be in bad shape. I did not complain and moved my surgery. When I called my mother a few hours after she left a message telling when the bridal shower would be and told her that I would be in Mexico for my 40th bday but that she could still use my bday as a ruse to surprise my sister, my mother went ballistic - the worst I have ever seen her be - which is pretty bad. She said I was trying to ruin the wedding, I was a terrible sister and I was a terrible MOH. She said I was jealous (I wasn't), and that I had to cancel my vacation. I really thought she knew by then that she could not control me, and I also thought bc we had just had ten really good years that the difficulty was over. My mother turned my father and two sisters (and some cousins and family friends) against me. My sister fired me as MOH. I was not invited to Thanksgiving and Christmas that year (or any year since), and my parents and sister called me many times to tell me how horrible I was and that I had to change my vacation. I refused. My mother has a long history of having tantrums at relatives she's angry with in public, so ultimately I chose to not attend the wedding, bc I was not going to subject myself to that probability. My father and one sister eventually apologized to me. My father died in 2012, but my mother robbed me of the last six years of his life. He used to sneak phone calls to me when she was not around, and we had good talks. I also believe my mother is an alcoholic, and she is a mean drunk, though functional. My father got angry w/ me when I said she is an alcoholic. My sister who was the bride promised to talk to me about everything after the wedding but has instead cut me out of her life. She now has four children. I have sent cards and gifts when they've been born and for birthdays and christmas, and she has marked them "Return to Sender". I did persuade my mother to see a psychologist w/ me a month after the wedding in 07. I chose someone I didn't know bc I wanted it to be fair. I have studied psychology and conflict resolution, and I tried everything I knew for five months with my family to resolve this. They refused to see a third party (pastor, mediator, therapist), they refused to read books I sent them all (The New PeopleMaking, When Anger Scares You, and a surprisingly good book on Catholic Conflict Resolution), it was impossible for me to have a rational discussion with them - all discussions became circular. Despite my surgeon sending them all a letter stating that I did move my surgery for the wedding, they all (including the groom) insisted that I did not move my surgery bc there had not been an actual surgery date. It's true, but it was as scheduled as possible with a lot of people. What came out in the ONE therapy session (my mother walked out after the therapist said "you did schedule the shower w/o seeing if Denise was available, you did become engaged when she couldn't go, and you did get everyone to gang up on her") - was that my mother was furious with and ashamed of me for still being single at age 40 and having no children. It didn't matter that I had a great career, had been a successful whistleblower for the feds, and have 3 graduate degrees. The psychologist said, "This isn't about a bridal shower; it's about something else". I don't think my mother understands that to this day. My biggest problem that keeps me stuck is that I do not understand how my mother could have been so good to me for ten years and then explode like this. It keeps me from accepting that she will never change, bc it seemed that she did change. There is so much more to this including childhood sexual abuse & a college rape that she once insisted wasn't true and blamed me for - but she then apologized and kept an uncle and cousin from being at certain family gatherings. I don't understand how she could have been good for ten years and then be the worst she's ever been. This keeps me from accepting that she will never change. I do still keep thinking that if I reason with her and write her the perfect letter and am kind to her, and if I can teach her conflict resolution skills (even though she refuses to discuss the past and has zero interest in learning or reading anything about this stuff, which she calls "mumbo jumbo") - I keep thinking I can persuade her to change. Why can't I teach her that she splits people and I've been her scapegoat for most of my life and my other sister has been her golden child? Why can't she learn that information? She learned how to make beautiful cakes and candies and sell them. She learned how to be the PTA president. She learned how to do ceramics. I do not understand and have a very hard time accepting that certain human beings cannot change. I've seen her have great empathy (I think) for me and others at different point. So, is she incapable or is it a choice? If it's a choice, then she's capable, right? I'm sorry this is long.
Everything you said really resonated with me. I feel like the burden of wanting to help the parent change stays with the abused child forever. It has haunted me my whole life, especially when I see moments of hope. It seems like even when my parents aren't with me they still control my thoughts and emotions to this day even though I've healed a lot. I'm afraid that there is never really any way to be free especially when they've already stolen so many years of your life.
my moms dead now im 68 but need to get my self healed as my family have been ravaged by her and i was not the goldrn child but the one she kept everyone mad at so im so glad to find this thankyou
Thanks for your video, Jerry :) You've described why I never want to get married nor have children. I also live 7500km away from my NM. Anything I can do to not call attention to myself (which she can hijack) is the way I live my life.
+karen goldman Yip... it's sad. And I think it takes a while for us to learn this - I was well into my 30s before I did. Now I"m working on finding my "true" family that is not defined by biology ;) Good luck, Karen. Big hugs to little you.
Excellent video, I greatly appreciate it. I have struggled with an enmeshed narcissistic mother my entire life and it is worse because I am an only child so I get to be both scapegoat and golden child. My mother, now sick and elderly, is trying to force me to move her out of her assisted living and into an apartment WITH me. I took care of her, waited on her hand and foot for years, until constant falls caused her to be placed in an ALF. She now calls me daily to use money as a tool to get things back to the way they were, just us two. Btw, shortly after her placement,after YEARS of abuse and caregiving, I was diagnosed with cancer. These people will literally kill you. I fear No Contact may be the only way, with adjunct therapy afters well.
Thank you for this video. I'm currently on a healing journey & just found this channel today. I have been no contact with my parents for about 2 years. Today my Mum called me telling me she was moving house ??? She's been trying to get me reeled back in for a long time, to cut a very long story short she only wants me now as she has no one else. She was never there for me emotionally like a mother should when I was growing up, I got beat by my mum, dad & my grandmother that lived with us too. I still hold all that anger/hurt toward her & it's something that can't just be forgotten, like she has! She shows so many signs of being a narcissist & I don't want myself or my children anywhere near that toxic environment. It's so so helpful having these videos accessible online (youtube) as before I started watching these type of videos, about a few years ago I had no clue of narcissistic parents ect... I thought I was the only one going through all this. It's a massive eye opener to say the least! Thank you so very much.
Hi, thank you for sharing this video, Jerry, for all of us on the internet who have had to deal with this issue. I am 38 years old, and had a particularly heavy adolescent time with my NDP mother, and enabling father. I was a scapegoat, and after I ran away from house at my early 20's, with no place to stay and no money, my sister, who was a golden child until then, became a scapegoat on her turn. It was really tough. Years passed, when I was independent, I have reestablished communication with my parents, somewhere naively believing that it was all past and that they have changed. But they haven't and never will. They just adapt, as now I don't live with them, but the patterns, emotional blackmail, their controlling tendencies, anger when something is not as they wish, their negative lifestyle, manipulations...are basically the same. I still have to work on establishing emotional distance from them. When I read all this comments, I see that I am not alone and it somehow comforts me. We can all do it.
I've always wondered what was wrong with me that made my dad reject me.... this video perfectly described his lack of empathy... I've completely cut him out of my life a couple months ago...
Best thing I ever did was walk away from my father, completely cut him off. He is a narcissist and abuser. As far as he is concerned, it's always everyone else's fault. He refuses to entertain the notion he could be to blame for his own actions. He has that shame deep inside for what he has done to people over the years and when meeting them he is highly abrasive and antagonistic, expecting a reactionary response, which of course to him excuses his own shameful behaviour. In his eyes, if he did something to you, it was because you deserved it and made him do it. It's a vicious cycle, he is toxic because he expects a response, because he got it in the past, when he instigated it then. There's no way to work with that. Lose-lose. The sad thing is, when he doesn't get that response, he becomes yet more destructive and antagonistic. He has no friends and the only people that stay in his life are the ones that play his game and dance to his beat. Thank you for the video, I wish I found it years ago, it would have shortened the healing process.
Grew up with a suicidal mom....took her life on Valentines Day when I was 19....I'm in my late 50's now.....Dad said often, I can disown you at anytime...and watch out little girl....both parents so messed up...work very hard on my healing journey....it's a major work in progress and good videos help...thank you!!
I think my mum is the narcissist, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder when I was 18 and I am now 25. This video explains so much to me.
Incredible! This would be the first time where I have encountered a professional figure that hit my experience of a childhood of emotional neglect right in the head. As well as outline the traits that my father and mother share exactly. I am VERY happy to know that the things I have been doing since the time I had made the realisation properly about this disorder, are along the right track with self healing. You sounded very clinical in the analysis of Narcissists and of the affects the wreak upon their children which is a breath of fresh air compared to the many many, emotive testimonials and blog posts I am coming into contact with from relationship partners and adult children of the abusers. I will send an email as I do beleive that some of the readings and resources mentioned will authentically help me with bearing the brunt of the continuation of abuse as well as repairing myself in the long run. Subscribed!!! :) :)
What a fantastic and enlightened video, thank you so much! I held a virtual funeral for my parents a long time ago now and these days (in my mind) they are an unfavourite uncle and aunt. It was the best move I ever made. You're the first person I've heard in all that time mentioning the 'funeral' as a way of coping and moving on. Thinking of them as aunt and uncle that I don't like helps me to be free of any expectations that they would love me or show any supportive behaviour, and it's all good for my own self-esteem and peace of mind. Going to watch more of your videos now - thank you again!
This is hitting so many chords with me. You are describing my mother. She passed away naturally last year and only since have I began to heal. Thank you x
Excellent talk. This information is so helpful and lets me know it's a real issue and it wasn't my imagination. I am working on healing and this is one more step in the right direction.
Thanks. My mother is my fathers world and we don't really figure in his world. He is totally unaware. His mothers was the most selfish women anyone could meet but he and my aunts talk about how wonderful she was. My mother is a victim. They married despite objections and we only count we we make them look good. I have only just managed to distance myself from the favouritism etc. it has been a revelation listening to your and pete gerlaks free advice and exercises. Both of you have literally helped save my life, myself and sanity. Thank you.
Thank you. I have been trying to figure out how to deal with my parents. They cannot see me as an independent person or any of my needs. It has been very difficult and this video has been very helpful.
After going to a family counselor for 4 visits with my mom to no avail I started researching on my own. My mother iis full scale NPD. Thank you so much for your videos and info. Its a big boost for me.
Thank you so much for this video. I have this uncontrollable urge to hit myself whenever I think of my mother, who have disregarded all of my problems in my life; they were always seen as failures of her. When citing sexual abuse, my mom saw that as an attack on her parenting. When losing weight successfully, my mom attempted to sabotage my weight loss, despite me telling her not to cook this or that for me--when I told her to not cook for me, she saw that, once again, as an attack on her. I vomited in front of her due to acid reflux and she turned away. I hurt myself in front of her and she laughed at me. As I grew older, she resented my success. I got a great boyfriend, I was frequently complimented, and I went to a top five university. Now I am estranged from her, and thus, my family. I never attend family gatherings because I never want to see her. I've lost much contact, and I do feel that she ruined my life. To be honest, even watching this video incites feelings of rage that makes me want to hit myself.
Your insights are absolutely spot on. I can't thank you enough for sharing your thoughts and guidance. All these years, I never made the connection that my parents could have been suffering from a personality disorder. I thought all families were like mine. Watching your videos has been eye opening and liberating. While I have a lot more work to do, just the knowledge alone is empowering. Thank you for sharing your expertise. Thank you!
I adore my family including my parents who have passed away, (my mom from breast cancer at 33, my dad st 79) though they did hurt me deeply. Next was my eldest brother and younger sister and a step-mother (dec) are also narcissistic and have as well.I mean hurt me like nothing else. There was also a man when I was 47 whom I dated, he nearly polished me off.My daughter is remarkable and I am grateful for her presence in my life and for permitting me, so unworthy to my family, to be loved unconditionally and to be given the blessing to love her in the same way. I’m a spiritual person from a young age as my mom was a devout Catholic. I recall spelling my first word. My dad dutifully taught me at 4 years to write my name and the alphabet before grade1 I started at 5 yo. I looked at a box of formula 44, common in my everyday life and spelled it out. I was so overcome with joy at this and ran to tell my mom. I said “Mommy, I can spell formula!” She said, “You can not!” I spelled it out and she just looked at me as if I were really bad. And walked away.
wow! Thank you so much. Will get a hold of those books without a doubt. I think it's very kind of you to offer resources to help. I for one will email you. Brilliant video.
Hello Mr Wise, trank you so much much for your tips. I've just come to realize how manipulative my mother has been. Many of her manipulative actions during my childhood are becoming more and more clear to me. I feel emotionally stuck and I must decide how to get along with her. Many People on youtube say you have to go no contact. I think your advise seems to be the most reasonable one. First I have to heal myself and take care for my own personal needs.
Woah....when you were talking about the wedding part, that made me think of my own mother. Granted, it wasn't a wedding but college. I think this sorta fits, but not sure? When I was a little kid, I had a dream to go to Chatham University since I heard it was a good college. I had visited it multiple times in before graduating and I really did like the thought of attending there since everything seemed as if the college was a high quality learning experience. (It was though from what I experienced for a small time.) My mother went to the same college as well and did everything she could to get me in; even getting me into the same dorm she lived in. (Which was Woodland Hall.) I even remember some parts in the time I was there, she'd brag to people because she was an alumna there and I was the "child of a Chatham alumni." Once she finds out that I wasn't too happy there and that I left in the first semester to sign up to a community college where friends that I knew from middle and high school were going, she blew a casket! Side note: Chatham is a VERY rich college where mostly rich girls go and I didn't feel too welcome there due to not being of wealth. Hence, I left. We all know how catty some women can be about social status after all...which I find really dumb. My point being is that she wanted me to be like her and be a top elite college student like she was. What I speak of does remind me of the wedding situation you spoke of in this video because the mother wants this experience, in this case for me being college, to go her way. I thank you for this video. It really opened my mind that I might be (or have been...not sure 100%) that I've been dealing with a narcissist all my life. Yikes....
Rowlet i feel your pain. the only reason i went to college is bc i was expected to. i don't think i had any real wants of my own (still struggling with that) or felt i had a choice, i was a robot at that point, so i just went bc i knew that's what my lovely mother wanted. needless to say, it didn't go very well. that's when the damn started to break for me emotionally and mentally and that's why ur comment abt college struck a cord w me. i'm still struggling to this day trying to fig out what i want in life and not what wld please my mother (who is single and has no other children so i am the complete focus of her attn) or others for that matter. she put so much pressure on me to live to please her that it's subconsciously ingrained in me now. i walk on eggshells bc i kno if i make certain big or even small choices she doesn't like she will flip aka making it abt her, not me, when it's MY life! sorry for rambling :)
shana4806 That's exactly how it was for me, too! Like I did like the thought of going to college at first (especially with how I took interest in going to Chatham before) but after I went.....I started thinking that it was a bad idea. But I didn't want to quit at first because I was afraid of being in debt all my life after that. That and the other part was that I wanted to see some old buddies of mine that I hadn't seen in ages! (while actually making new friends I still contact today) I did end up taking a leave because of the stress my mother kept putting on me to have a specific GPA average + I wanted to get time to myself so I could figure out what I really wanted to do in life. Plus I wanted to have more time to myself to socialize with friends, which is something I never got to do because my mother (and by extension her boyfriend who she also manipulated) always had me focus on nothing but studying. (I want to guess she did that because when she was growing up, she never had a social life to begin with, so she's doing the same thing because she's envious that I have friends. I'm not sure, but that is my guess.) Cuz I thought maybe I jumped the gun with what sorta major I wanted, and well as expected, my mother didn't like the fact of me taking a leave. But yeah I totally get it! I felt the exact same way myself! I don't get why mothers or fathers pull these sorta things with their children when it comes to college at least. Also, when you said that you're the only child your mom wants to focus on....I can relate myself since I am the only child. On one hand, I understand that parents want to see their kid succeed, but on the other....they shouldn't control them like they are like little playthings (or personal pawns in their little game of chess.) I still live with this said mother for now because I don't have anywhere else to go for the time being. The family members I keep in contact with (that she hasn't brain washed) fears her since she'd made false "kidnapping" claims before for times I've willingly stayed at a relative's to get away from her and her boyfriend. I'm waiting until my girlfriend from out of state moves so she can help me move in. My girlfriend doesn't fear my mother (which is a good thing) and I know that she can help me stand up to her. It's just taking her time because she has to rebuild up her savings ever since she moved out of her mother's place. LONG story short, she also suffered from having the misfortune of being born to a narcissistic mother with a martyr complex who'd always blackmail her for money. And for months, years even, she would blackmail her child for money to obtain VIDEO GAME SYSTEMS (which she does not play either!) that she really doesn't need. I digress. She and I are both working towards bettering ourselves though. My girlfriend is trying to move in my area so I can move in with her and I am trying to do research on places I we can look into moving to. I have hope that the two of us can find a place. c:
i know what you mean abt that fine line between wanting your child to do well and living vicariously through them. i think its really done a number on me! and good for you that you have a girlfriend that is likeminded and not phased by your mother and her tactics. fortunately i am blessed with a bf that helps me be healthier as well. and I don't live with my mom but i live in a house she owns (which is a nightmare in its own right lol) and we are trying to get out as soon as possible too! bc she looooves playing the martyr as well, everything she does is in the guise of benevolence... she likes to hold things over my head and make me feel in debt to her. but good luck to you guys with your living situation... I personally kno how tough that can be! i'm just trying to take little steps at a time and get as emotionally and mentally healthy as possible in the time being bc unfortunately we can't control them, we can only control ourselves!
sorry for the cussing in my message a couple days ago. I was definitely reacting based on how I've been treated by my parents and then listening to you set me off because you simply helped me free my mind. Thanks again and I hope that my testimony helps others out of their situations as well.
My narcissistic mother did not use me as her scapegoat until she divorced her second husband. He was her supply. At the age of 18 I became her supply. Are there any resources for people who didn't experience narcissistic abuse until they became adults?
Thank you for this. I found this video several weeks ago as I was first learning about narcissism and recognizing it in my father. I accidentally found the same video again, but it was still helpful the second time around. Thank you.
My elderly mother uses fake illness when she doesn't get her way with her grown children. She acts like she is on her death bed in one moment, but yet if we mention she may need help in a nursing home facility it is like she has a miraculous cure. She acts like the matriarch. It scares me when she cries wolf. She always talks about the guilt we will have when she is gone. How do we deal with her faking near death? She has done this to me since I was 6. I have feared her death a gazillion times when she uses it as a guilt leverage.
I caused a narcisstic injury to my mother. I knew something was off about my father. But I saw the mask come off my mother. Took two years to even process everything. It's right out of the book. I have taken measures to remove myself and get away financially and protect myself. The damage is unbelievable but the truth came. Of course my sibling is manipulated, I am the bad guy, they love you, etc. Now l realized I was raised by vampires. I am in my late 40s. Thank you for your posts. They have been helpful and I shared with others and was helpful. The orbit analogy is excellent.
I moved to NYC in '87 but have internalized pain from having NPD parents. Although I have not visited mom for 4 years, she is abusive on the phone, she has anger and rage too, (borderline bpd) she is controlling and I cannot find what I need from this relationships and I need to move away emotionally. She is mean. There was much neglect too, mom was depressed, slept through the childhood, I did not always go to school, have breakfast, showers, hygiene etc. My parents were separated then divorced. Dad was a narcissist too, a strange one and very intelligent but not emotionally intelligent. I enjoyed his intellect. I used to think the blame shame and guilt was in our family only more rare but later, after reading, videos and therapy I learned how frequent this happens in family systems, learning helps so much. The turning on self part is the real work we have to do. I like that you term inner destructive narcissistic parent. Gladly, I do not have narcissistic friends nor a NPD spouse. I am self aware and am growing. The journey is working on the inner critic, improving self esteem and motivation to change-grow and set goals. Thanks so much.
This video is so enlightening and refreshing to be able to relate to everything that was discussed. It's made me feel relief about an area in my life that has caused me so much grief among other crazy roller coaster emotions.
pure gold, thank you for the up load - so i talk to my father last week about thies ,first time for 44 years, all he replyd was that is your opnion, i hav a difrent one, than i told him no it is not my opnion it is what happend to me what you did, so i ges i never see him again- but the strange thing about it was to see what a snake he was, he even sad he did not care about his grand children becus it was my kids.
this video pretty much summed up how my mother has always acted, except for one minor detail that i feel like is special in my mom and us kids as a result of her narcissisim. She wants everything to go her way, but she NEVER shows it, for example, all of us kids will want to go to mcdonalds after church and we know our mom doesnt want to go but my mom reluctantly goes along with it, as if to make us feel bad for her and realize that she is the one true GOD and is perfect even when ppl are mean to her. But yah i hope you read this!!!!!!!
When I grew up, she still kept saying she didn't want kids and stuff so I said, "Why didn't you use birth control, then?" She said, "They didn't have it back then." (I'm almost 65) I said, "They had rubbers." She said, "We didn't always have money." I said, "You should have crossed your legs, then."
Finally I cannot take trying to have a one sided relationship with my father. Cutting contact has been so freeing and yet so heartbreaking at the same time. I know I have made the right decision for me but it's hard to realize that I really never had a father present in my life.
i was a fat kid, I'm not sure if I used food as comfort until I got older but it was definitely a reward system in my home. do a good job, get McDonald's. so when I was 16 and it was time for homecoming, my NM took me to a local dress store to try on gowns. the first thing we did was walk past several racks of wedding gowns, and I will never forget.. she pulled out a beautiful little gown, looked at it then me and said, "if you're too fat to wear a dress like this at _your_ wedding, you're not even going to wind up married, so you'd better actually start trying". luckily I didn't develop an ED but at that moment something snapped in my mind and I swore I'd never ever have a wedding or even get married if it meant my mother could have control over one less thing in my life.
It's exhausting. One day it's peaches and cream, the next day I'm a piece of shit. Once I find a job I'm saving money and I'm moving far far away from them. I'll never contacted them either. I should have done that when my sister moved out.
Thank you for this important information Jerry. I think my mother has traits. My problem is that I can never separate from her because my daughter adores her & thinks she's perfect. I did move 176miles away from her but she's always in my head telling me how stupid I am. When I had depression she didn't come up to care for me because she said she would have just shouted at me to get out of bed. My daughter thinks that I'm the narcissist unfortunately & gives me a hard time over it. I wasn't a good mother. I screamed & shouted far too much. I couldn't cope with children & a job alone. I feel such a failure. Your video has helped to explain a lot of things especially how my mother, a woman who is extremely negative and jealous of others has never suffered from depression in her life as I have & do. She was a spoiled second child & always puts herself firstz
I have to agree with this statement completely. I have been reading up about Nparents and to be honest Chinese parents tick every box there is. Or at the very least mine.
it's extremely simple dealing with a narcissist... put your game face on and never let them get a reaction out of you, don't expect to have soulful conversations, only have superficial conversations this will full fill the need of the narcissist to feed their ego somewhat and it will keep you from revealing to many personal info that they will use later to guilt trip or whatever, and when you notice them getting all narcy.. either put your foot down and set a boundary or just detach from what they are saying they either want to one uppmanship, tell you what to do how to do it, or belittle you..so don't take it personal they are needing validation so if they get an emotional reaction then they win, but if you don't give a rise no one loses anything the relationship is equalized... so, just know the symptoms of narc and watch when your narc beginsnarc behavior and sidestep with your ego..
You've made my day on 14:55 ...*)! Thank you so much for that! I had to hold my belly because I had to laugh so much. Of course it's really sad, but on the other hand, from a certain perspective these Narcs are so laughable with their infantile behavior.
I live far from my mom and never talk to her. That's given me so much freedom in my head, it's opened up realizations of what she really did to me all these years. She tries to reach out and always says, "I'm praying for you" or "Be careful". I'm 32 years old, and she still treats me like I'm a child. Now, I have a support system that I didn't have when I was with her. I have good friends, I have a supportive partner, and I have most importantly MYSELF.
+Michele I am 40 and my mom still says I'm praying for you too to me. I understand Michele. I don' t have the best support system.
i get "i'm thinking about you" , "i love you" , "why don't you answer the phone?" ..... meanwhile i've been left out of the will and supposed to trust the golden child sister to give me my share!
Cut all ties, change phone number, close down any internet profiles (make private). If the thoughts come back it all goes back, so avoid contact. Let her die alone in silence, that is the ultimate vengeance.
Michele Did you feel guilt when you stopped talking to her? I recently decided to cut ties with my Father, sister and her family. My mom passed away 6 months ago and I was the closest to her. My father lives 2 hours away and my sister lives in the same city as me. I've always put up wit this all my life but his behavior has been worse towards me since my moms passing. She did everything for him so it was hard to be there for him when he was never there for me emotionally. I I helped him with laundry, cooking and cleaning when I would visit even money. If I didn't do these things or didn't do him a favor, he would cry to my older sister and the she and her family would harass me via text or phone. It's gotten to the point where I have been driven to depression only because I have been standing up for myself now and setting boundaries since my mother's passing. I'm just worried they will start harassing me or stalk me once they realize I stopped replying or calling them. I'm a bit afraid.
renagtz
Guilt, no. Sadness, yes. I mourned a mother I knew I'd never have. But mostly I've felt freedom as I'd been caged and controlled by her since childhood. I've officially been no contact with her for 9 months. I do live far away and I've blocked certain family members on Facebook. I am in a few Facebook groups for those who have narcissist family members or exes, and this is something that I see a lot of them talking about, being harassed through proxies for the narc. The groups are closed/secret, so nobody sees the postings. The most I can tell you is to stand your ground and find people outside of your family who can be allies. I'd recommend joining a group online for victims of narcissists, because they'd have far more information on how to deal with that situation. I do hope you can get through it, though. I know how bad the mobbing can be.
Sir, if this was mandatory education it would change the world.thank you.
My narc mother sat me down once to apologize for having started the abortion process when she was pregnant with me. I thought it was incredibly brave at first for her to admit that to me but then I came to realize that this was a fake apology, a false humility. She was actually telling me under the guise of forgiveness that she had never wanted me. She wanted me to know it without making herself look bad. She just wanted to hurt me, affect my self worth.
I'm sorry.. That sounds exactly like the mind games narcissistic parents play :/
oh my goodness! Mine sat me down when I was 10 and said I abused you your whole life when you were very little "Im sorry you probably dont remember but it was really bad!" I sat there like thinking yes I know how you are and Im tough real tough and your a sorry bitch." I just knew she was pathetic but acting brave, its really tricky.
Iams Daughter im glad youre here
Don't listen to her. You *are* enough.
That’s horrible, even though I don’t know you, I’m proud of you. You go girl, keep loving yourself.
Going no contact is the greatest boundary that one can set. Any other boundaries will not be respected by the narcissist. I have went, stayed, and maintained no contact with my narcissistic mother for well over a year and I have healed and found myself. I did a lot of work in healing that wounded inner child in me by accepting the reality that my narcissistic mother will never be the mother that I needed. Secondly, I learned how to become the mother I needed for myself and my wounded inner child has healed.
did you continue any type of relationship with your mother again?
How can I escape? How can I heal? My Narc Mom is draining me. I want to go no contact with my Dad, Mom, and Brother.
I remember I was a very emotionally intelligent child. At one point, I remember trying to talk with my mother. Honestly just saying, "Let's talk about this like adults. I'm going to state my case." And she literally made FACES at me like a child, not taking me seriously. And I had nobody who would call her out on it and nobody who would advocate for me. As a result, I grew up feeling powerless and like there must be something wrong with me that nobody would take me seriously. Outside of my home, I was loved by my teachers and even nominated for scholarships. But the moment my mom learned about them, she said, "No! We're too poor. You can't go." It's amazing the power she had over my family, and how rational thinking couldn't fight against it. The sense of power (according to her and the rest of the family) was who could shout the loudest and who could physically overpower the other.
+Michele I can fully relate to what you are saying. Both my parents were and still are Narcs (covert master controlling mother; enabler/cerebral narc father). Can I ask, where you're father was in all of this ? Was he by any chance an enabler?
+Jodi Hansen My father was an alcoholic. The general dynamic was my mother and father were in an almost constant state of anger towards one another and we kids were often pulled into that chaos. From the beginning, I could see my mom was the dominant one while my father was more frustrated and powerless with her. When it came to us, though, he also took out his anger on us. It seemed both of them did that to us - they couldn't hurt each other, so they turned around and hurt us instead. With her, it was a source of control that never ended. With him, it was a way to project whatever he was feeling at her or at his OWN father (he had some issues with his dad) at us. He never did stand up for me or any of the rest of us when it came to her, just stood at the sidelines, even blamed us sometimes. The whole thing with my parents was one against the other, and we were simply tools.
Michele Roberts
Wow, thanks for sharing. I'm sorry to hear this. All I can say, is at least you - like me and many others - are doing something truly powerful to heal our past childhood traumas & current toxic family dynamic (as painful, cathartic as it is). I guess, all we can really do is look at the much brighter future/new beginnings that will inevitably come as a result of this healing journey and make this our definitive focal point (at least that's what I'm really trying to do).
Michele your NM and mine sound identical. I'd try to "reason" with her only to be met with gaslighting every time. when I busted my ass to graduate with a 4.2 GPA and a 75% scholarship to my first choice school, she made me stay in state and go to my third choice that would pay all my bills. I'll never forgive her for destroying the first 30 years of my life.
Michele I know your pain. My mom went that far to take my daughter raise her as her and have her to scream at me horrible things. I was 17 with no job and she even made me break up with the father of my daughter. She took her and went to court told them I was not able to provide. Now my daughter is a horrible extension of her, my dad is a puppet and my brother is another golden child. I just realized couple months ago my life is a disaster not because is something wrong with me it is because she never taught me how to adequate have a life. 😔
finally i managed to quit contact with my Narcissistic Mother. You most likely dont like it what i say now, but she is just evil! After 49 yrs i realized that she isnt do me any good. Now i can live my life like i always wanted. Thanks for your advices.
Here is a list of what they usually do to their targets :
- Insults their target very often. Then lie when confronted about it, or say it was a joke.
- When confronted with their behavior, they pretend to be innocent and play the victim.
- Everything is always your fault, even when it's obviously not.
- They always have a justification for every bad thing they do. They think they're always right.
- Very controlling, they tell you how to live, but they can live anyway they want. Very hypocritical.
- They accuse you of what they're doing to you (RED FLAG!), it's called Projection.
- Portraying themselves as angels outside, when they are actually demons with their family and especially their target.
- They want you to fail, while pretending to want you to succeed (they're very convincing).
- They never say they are sorry for hurting you (RED FLAG!).
- Poison your favorite activities, they don't want you to be happy or to get pleasure. They also poison other useful activities like important skills which will help you in the future. They DO NOT want you to have skills, they want you to be as weak as possible. They don't teach you anything.
- Subtly lead a smear campaign against their target, so they isolate it and make sure they don't get help.
- When you want to leave the relationship with a narcissist, they beg you to stay with them and cry crocodile tears. They are the best actors.
- Sometimes nice, sometimes cruel. You never know where you stand with them.
- They pretend to be "victims", and they blame the target for their own behavior.
- They are incredibly arrogant and sadistic. They see the target as weak, and deserving to suffer.
- They think they are models to be followed.
- They are spiritually dead although they might loudly profess some kind of Spiritual Belief.
Oblivion dark heart- wow! Thank u 4 that absolutely perfect description. Both parents were NPs, I the scapegoat, brother golden. Was able to break w them decades ago - actually held private funeral. My 43 yr old dtr. Is exactly how u described and I'm scapegoat again! Sticky situation since she has 3 kids I worry about. Not even able to forward info to the one in college since they share email and phone addresses!
Jerry Wise videos have finally named these behaviors! Was working alone and on instinct even after much therapy! Just started ACOA but will c - so far, fit not quite right! Afraid to speak since soooo many have expressed blame and disgust w their codependent mothers All of whom are around my age (68)!
Oblivion Darkheart - wow all of those points. Thank you. 💗🌸💗
This all sounds all to familiar for me!!
My relationship with my mother
Agree 100% that is my mother.
Narcissist love to shame you in front of others while they play the victim. You will be a perfect child to them when you are the puppet on strings and do all the dirty work for them. In some way you have to sin for them.
I too have a narcissistic sociopath for a egg donor. I have been a
codependent all my life. I just woke up 6 months ago. Now i am standing
up for myself. She is going to make me pay. She has turned my daughter
against me. I have thought abuse was okay my whole life. I thought it
was normal. After i said i was abuse my whole life out loud. It felt
like a weight lifted off me. This pain i had in my stomach all my life.
Finally lifted off like a brick. Both of my so called parents. Treated
me like their human toilet. I have always been a extension of them.
Never a real person who mattered. I was used a a whim to feed their
needs. Never a kind word, no compassion or love. It is my fault for her
abusive childhood. I am just like my father. When i never really knew
him. He was the asshole who left me. For a new family. I will heal. I
will live a happy life and love myself. We are important! We never
deserved this abuse. Once you speak out and tell someone. It can only
get better. You have the right to remove Toxic people from your life.
I am waking up now, too. and GJ on your progress and healing
feiner69 Well said,Thank you.
thank you so much, after years of abuse, abandonment and spite from my mother thank you x
+Louise Jane 'Spite".... that's a such an appropriate word for this type of sick parental abuse. I hadn't thought of that. Thanks!
+Louise Jane now you are a good looking woman
+Pam Bonaiuto ..or use MALICE
All I can say is thank you. If I were to tell you of the things my mother has done to damage my emotional well-being I would be writing for the next two weeks. She has lied about me, destroyed my relationships with some of my children and my siblings, degraded me to family and friends, broke confidences, she is just a very cruel, mean-spirited person. She has NEVER said one good thing about me or my abilities. She crushed my spirit at a very young age and I ended-up developing panic disorder which ruined my life. I am now 62 years old and cry over the life I could have had if I had recognized what was being done to me. Last year this cruel mother of mine became angry at me because I was trying to explain to her that she does get enough money monthly to live on, that she needs to stop gambling! She called the authorities on me and told them I was abusing her...she told people that I have her bank pin number so I must be stealing her money (will never admit she has a gambling problem!) That was it.... I haven't spoke to her since she accused me of elder abuse...That has been over a year ago...I now live over 2,000 miles from her...she would call a few times a day, day after day, I never once answered her calls....she finally quit calling. I feel free and somewhat at peace to know that I am a worthwhile person...I just wish it had happened sooner so I could have had a different life.
After years of abuse here I am at 22 finally figuring things out. I am so exhausted...
Better now than in your 40's +. Consider yourself fortunate.
Thank you for this video, im 51 and now becoming a true version of myself after yrs of being with narcissistic parents whom i have had no contact with since 2009.
+Mysterious - you are not alone in that journey, and cheering you on,thanks for mentioning..
+Mysterious I am very happy you found yourself, and are truly becoming happy with yourself, but I have one question. When did you move away from your parents? I am currently 27 years old and still with with my father.
I moved into my dads house shortly after my mom passed away, around the age of 15, so Ive been living with him for 10+ years. I just came to the realization that things are not getting better but slowly getting worse and worse.
If you read my sentence again, you will find the answer.
+Mysterious you moved out at the age of 45, 6 years ago in 2009. Understand that I didn't want to make assumptions as you could've moved out anytime, and in the year 2009 severed contact completely.
Sorry, i moved in 2007 but stopped speaking to my parents in 2009, they are still sending flying monkey's to upset me, most i have dealt with, only one to go and i will be free as a bird. They hate not being in control and have made my life a living hell, hence the move of 120 miles away.
Thank you, I will subscribe. I am 57 with a whole family I have been "orphaned" from for 10 years.
thank you! I am 43 years old, coming out of confusion and denial of narcissistic abuse from my entire family! I am my mother's supply. my half sister is the golden child. it's getting very bad as she ages. to complicate matters, I can't escape her. or stepfather..due to serious illness, I ended up stuck living with them. it is hell!!! for my children to have to go through this with me has been extremely traumatic for them. I can't heal under these circumstances. need hope. I'm huge on boundaries....you brought it all home. confusion is gone. I stay in a room with the door shut. I am bedridden. I don't know how to not be her supply. I'm stuck, but I now have ammo to fight back, so to speak. the only answer is to be patient, cling to faith. maintain closeness with my children who are likely suffering tons more than I am...thank you so much!
i do wish you could get out. it must be daily torture. get away. get out. and you can have some decent experiences
It's very hard. Can't even wear a shoe on one of my feet. Seizures from TBI,s. I'm very ill hoping to get better. Thank you for your kind feedback.
Wow, you described my life experience. And you described exactly, the crucial step which I realized very late in life, is that you have to recognize the relationship with the parents you longed for is impossible and must be grieved as one would any traumatic loss or death. That IMO is the most healing step.
I didn't even know I had a problem growing up. I just thought I was a really bad person. It wasn't until I got consulting for suicidal thoughts that eventually the therapist suggested I had suffered emotional abuse. This video was well done, very helpful.
Thank you for this video; you're spot on. As a child of an immature parent, I can relate to all of these things...I can also say it gets really bad when your mother has heart surgery because she's been bottling up 30+ years of having to put up with her husband's narcissism/personal inadequacy, and the husband STILL has the gall to start pointless arguments which are just psychological projections of their own inadequacy (or feeling thereof), causing detriment to the recovery of the mother after the surgery and the only thing you can do to calm the immature father down is leave, sacrificing what time is left with the mother for her good.
People like that, as you said, will never change; it's about strengthening ourselves and removing the hostile feelings that go along with the knee-jerk reactions to their stimuli. It's not easy considering most of the tools (social skills, humility, self-confidence) people gain through life experience/growing up are non-existent in the cases of kids with immature parents. There's a lot of lip-biting involved, so carry chapstik.
Thank you for this video. I don't feel so alone after reading all these comments, I finally saw my dad was a narcissist as well as my mum, he made me feel so stupid for getting upset when I said he makes me feel bad about myself, he told me it's all my fault he is the way he is. I hope I can heal from this.
good points. basically narcisists and sociopaths have an unconscious attachment to old feelings of being marginalized and rejected. So their narcisistic and manipulative behavior is a psychological defense used to hide their own unconscious entanglement with feelings of unworthiness. The thing is that the victims of narcisists and sociopaths unconsciously gravitate towards emotions of helplessness and unworthiness as well. So they share the same unconscious unresolved issue.
My parents are gone now but I've had to deal with a sibling who seems to have adapted the worst narcissistic traits of BOTH our parents...
you are absolutely right, my father has a "wall" of perfect self esteem but it is constantly on edge looking for "supply"
I'm a grandchild of an alcoholic and this topic is helping me the most.
Narcissism across the generations - I acknowledge also some my own narcissistic traits.
Thanks a lot!!!
One more thought, I am also grieving the loss of that childhood I wanted so badly. Reality can be so tough but it is that path to serenity for me.
Lowering my expectations of people really helped me to let go of the pain of how badly they treated me. I no longer keep running back to my sister because I know what to expect. Learning this helped me to not be mad at her any longer. We grew up in the same alcoholic, narcissistic abusive house. My sister finds control hurting others. I no longer expect her to change and it has been freeing.
My adoptive mom was an overt Narcissist and my dad was a covert. Your example about the wedding was spot on. I had a totally different wedding from what my mom wanted. She made it an awful experience for me and even threatened not to come. She did, however, because it would have made her "look bad" if she didn't. But it was not a happy experience like it should have been. This video also explains why I'm attracted to narcissistic men as partners, the latest was covert, and others were overt or had high levels of narcissistic traits. It makes sense why I'm attracted to them, having grown up with two. I'm really working on my self-worth and self-differentiation. I am definitely highly codependent. It's hard to change, but I'm speaking up more and no longer feel as "invisible". I've recently walked away from guys who wanted to date me; the red flags of narcissism popped up a lot sooner. In fact, I'm choosing to be single right now and focusing on my own dreams and what I want from life, instead of what someone else wants. In the past, my life with my ex husband and other men I dated I would describe as their life, their "show", where I had only cameo appearances. As I got healthier, the conflict with certain people increased. Unfortunately, though, I continued to have WAY too much contact with too many narcissists and got seriously depressed because I could never feel like myself, nor "heard", nor "seen", with them. I am now limiting my time with those in my life who have NPD and/or high levels of narcissistic traits. Thanks, Jerry for this great and informative video!
My Mother is old. But the damage remains inside me-- Everything is about my mom... she only uses me-- she put a big show on so everybody just LOVED HER!! if only I was not born--I was using up her money being alive--I was not part of her plans.
It's table-turning time baby! Give her a taste of her own medicine! See how well that goes down. Stand up for yourself, they count on your weakness.
Problem is I didn't know my parents were Narcissist. I tried working things out with them. Now because of you I know why they responded the way they did.
Thank you for your video. I cut ties with my mother a few days ago after years of covert abuse that I could never define. I couldn't have imagined that my mother was at the helm of all my pain. My father was no prize either. He was also a narcissist and a whole other story. They enabled each other. I just thought I was a bad daughter. It feels more wonderful than I could have ever imagined it would to cut ties with her. I have been engaging in self help and professional help most of my adult life and learning about narcissistic mothers has put a name on why I have felt such excruciatingly painful low self worth. I will continue my recovery with a new focus now.Again, thank you so much posting this, Jerry, and for all the work you do help people live the wonderful fulfilling life we all deserve.
+Pam Bonaiuto ...omg we need to swap stories.... they sound similar.... Its devastating but also really relieving when we find that we are not demons..... just regular people who've been traumatized... that's all! Love. and keep goving forward.
Aaaaaaamen!
This video is excellent. Thank you for the work you do. I literally spent decades of my childhood and adult life in therapy without a single person ever explaining that I was suffering from a very early narcissistic disturbance. Your work reminds me a lot of Alice Miller. Thanks again.
Erm and BTW I embedded your video in a blog post.........thx!
tylilly.wordpress.com/
Thank you so much for sharing this, I have suffered for 58 years, I am now free, and dealing with the after affects.
I went NC for the first of three times while planning my wedding. My feelings mattered 0%. Great video. I didn't know about triggering shame. The third (and final) time I went NC, I did so because she was throwing a temper tantrum like a 2-year-old because I couldn't afford to go visit her 2000 miles away telling me she "couldn't believe" my life was going so badly because I couldn't afford a week long summer vacation. I reminded her that last time it cost me $1000 to visit not including time off from work and that when I arrived, I had to spend $300+ renting a car because they couldn't be bothered to pick me up (they pick lots of others up at the airport but I wasn't worth it). Then she told me I was "upsetting her" and hung up on me. Since my narcissistic parents don't believe in parents calling or contacting children and that is is our job to call them, I never called back. A few months later, I changed my phone number, email, and about 9 months later, I moved. NC for over a year for the third and final time. Thanks for posting this video Jerry. I got a lot out of it.
I've spent my whole life doing a profession I would not have otherwise chosen only because I was trying to copy my father so he would notice me. It's heartbreaking to think I could have done something else, but at least understanding this is where the healing begins I guess
Thank you so much for this. Now i know I've not been imagining things all along, and I'm not the difficult and problematic child now turned adult that I've always been painted to be by my mother. I have started the emotional distance to heal from years of physical and emotional abuse and i truly feel like i can finally breathe freely. thank you so much for this.
OMG. You are almost telling the story of what happened in my family. I had a very difficult time w/ both of my parents for much of my life and was estranged from them for a few years. Then I had TEN really great years w/ them, and I thought the bad stuff was over. Nope. My younger sister got engaged, and my mother planned her bridal shower for the day after my bday, but my mother didn't' check w/ me. I had already moved a major surgery that was as planned as possible with my two bosses, my surgeon's office and my parents (who had agreed to care for me for 2 months or longer afterwards), and with several lawyers (as I was the main witness in a federal whistleblower case at the time & so the federal judge had to also know I'd be out of commission for awhile) - I moved and changed this surgery bc even though I had reminded my mother and sister that my surgery would be sometime during the first two weeks of Jan 2007 and my recovery would be at least two months - my sister chose a wedding date of Feb 23rd, when I'd still be in bad shape. I did not complain and moved my surgery. When I called my mother a few hours after she left a message telling when the bridal shower would be and told her that I would be in Mexico for my 40th bday but that she could still use my bday as a ruse to surprise my sister, my mother went ballistic - the worst I have ever seen her be - which is pretty bad. She said I was trying to ruin the wedding, I was a terrible sister and I was a terrible MOH. She said I was jealous (I wasn't), and that I had to cancel my vacation. I really thought she knew by then that she could not control me, and I also thought bc we had just had ten really good years that the difficulty was over. My mother turned my father and two sisters (and some cousins and family friends) against me. My sister fired me as MOH. I was not invited to Thanksgiving and Christmas that year (or any year since), and my parents and sister called me many times to tell me how horrible I was and that I had to change my vacation. I refused. My mother has a long history of having tantrums at relatives she's angry with in public, so ultimately I chose to not attend the wedding, bc I was not going to subject myself to that probability. My father and one sister eventually apologized to me. My father died in 2012, but my mother robbed me of the last six years of his life. He used to sneak phone calls to me when she was not around, and we had good talks. I also believe my mother is an alcoholic, and she is a mean drunk, though functional. My father got angry w/ me when I said she is an alcoholic. My sister who was the bride promised to talk to me about everything after the wedding but has instead cut me out of her life. She now has four children. I have sent cards and gifts when they've been born and for birthdays and christmas, and she has marked them "Return to Sender". I did persuade my mother to see a psychologist w/ me a month after the wedding in 07. I chose someone I didn't know bc I wanted it to be fair. I have studied psychology and conflict resolution, and I tried everything I knew for five months with my family to resolve this. They refused to see a third party (pastor, mediator, therapist), they refused to read books I sent them all (The New PeopleMaking, When Anger Scares You, and a surprisingly good book on Catholic Conflict Resolution), it was impossible for me to have a rational discussion with them - all discussions became circular. Despite my surgeon sending them all a letter stating that I did move my surgery for the wedding, they all (including the groom) insisted that I did not move my surgery bc there had not been an actual surgery date. It's true, but it was as scheduled as possible with a lot of people. What came out in the ONE therapy session (my mother walked out after the therapist said "you did schedule the shower w/o seeing if Denise was available, you did become engaged when she couldn't go, and you did get everyone to gang up on her") - was that my mother was furious with and ashamed of me for still being single at age 40 and having no children. It didn't matter that I had a great career, had been a successful whistleblower for the feds, and have 3 graduate degrees. The psychologist said, "This isn't about a bridal shower; it's about something else". I don't think my mother understands that to this day. My biggest problem that keeps me stuck is that I do not understand how my mother could have been so good to me for ten years and then explode like this. It keeps me from accepting that she will never change, bc it seemed that she did change. There is so much more to this including childhood sexual abuse & a college rape that she once insisted wasn't true and blamed me for - but she then apologized and kept an uncle and cousin from being at certain family gatherings. I don't understand how she could have been good for ten years and then be the worst she's ever been. This keeps me from accepting that she will never change. I do still keep thinking that if I reason with her and write her the perfect letter and am kind to her, and if I can teach her conflict resolution skills (even though she refuses to discuss the past and has zero interest in learning or reading anything about this stuff, which she calls "mumbo jumbo") - I keep thinking I can persuade her to change. Why can't I teach her that she splits people and I've been her scapegoat for most of my life and my other sister has been her golden child? Why can't she learn that information? She learned how to make beautiful cakes and candies and sell them. She learned how to be the PTA president. She learned how to do ceramics. I do not understand and have a very hard time accepting that certain human beings cannot change. I've seen her have great empathy (I think) for me and others at different point. So, is she incapable or is it a choice? If it's a choice, then she's capable, right? I'm sorry this is long.
Everything you said really resonated with me. I feel like the burden of wanting to help the parent change stays with the abused child forever. It has haunted me my whole life, especially when I see moments of hope. It seems like even when my parents aren't with me they still control my thoughts and emotions to this day even though I've healed a lot. I'm afraid that there is never really any way to be free especially when they've already stolen so many years of your life.
my moms dead now im 68 but need to get my self healed as my family have been ravaged by her and i was not the goldrn child but the one she kept everyone mad at so im so glad to find this thankyou
Randy Pelton - Me too. I always thought that I was the black sheep of the family. But, I finally figured out that I was the sheep goat. ❤️
Julie Brown what's the sheep goat?
Thanks for your video, Jerry :) You've described why I never want to get married nor have children. I also live 7500km away from my NM. Anything I can do to not call attention to myself (which she can hijack) is the way I live my life.
me too…but so SAD that i can't have ANY family. not first one, no other. cant trust people. too bad. but better than constant torture.
+karen goldman Yip... it's sad. And I think it takes a while for us to learn this - I was well into my 30s before I did. Now I"m working on finding my "true" family that is not defined by biology ;) Good luck, Karen. Big hugs to little you.
Excellent video, I greatly appreciate it. I have struggled with an enmeshed narcissistic mother my entire life and it is worse because I am an only child so I get to be both scapegoat and golden child. My mother, now sick and elderly, is trying to force me to move her out of her assisted living and into an apartment WITH me. I took care of her, waited on her hand and foot for years, until constant falls caused her to be placed in an ALF. She now calls me daily to use money as a tool to get things back to the way they were, just us two. Btw, shortly after her placement,after YEARS of abuse and caregiving, I was diagnosed with cancer. These people will literally kill you. I fear No Contact may be the only way, with adjunct therapy afters well.
adjunct therapy as well. Sorry for typo!
Bless you! You cannot look after her. Dont do it live your life
Thank you for this video. I'm currently on a healing journey & just found this channel today. I have been no contact with my parents for about 2 years. Today my Mum called me telling me she was moving house ??? She's been trying to get me reeled back in for a long time, to cut a very long story short she only wants me now as she has no one else. She was never there for me emotionally like a mother should when I was growing up, I got beat by my mum, dad & my grandmother that lived with us too. I still hold all that anger/hurt toward her & it's something that can't just be forgotten, like she has!
She shows so many signs of being a narcissist & I don't want myself or my children anywhere near that toxic environment. It's so so helpful having these videos accessible online (youtube) as before I started watching these type of videos, about a few years ago I had no clue of narcissistic parents ect... I thought I was the only one going through all this. It's a massive eye opener to say the least! Thank you so very much.
Your video hit home, literally. Thank you. I've got a lot of homework to do... and a lot of healing.
This is such a helpful video. Many don't realize that their parent are narcissistic ... This was such a great support for me thank you
Hi, thank you for sharing this video, Jerry, for all of us on the internet who have had to deal with this issue. I am 38 years old, and had a particularly heavy adolescent time with my NDP mother, and enabling father. I was a scapegoat, and after I ran away from house at my early 20's, with no place to stay and no money, my sister, who was a golden child until then, became a scapegoat on her turn. It was really tough. Years passed, when I was independent, I have reestablished communication with my parents, somewhere naively believing that it was all past and that they have changed. But they haven't and never will. They just adapt, as now I don't live with them, but the patterns, emotional blackmail, their controlling tendencies, anger when something is not as they wish, their negative lifestyle, manipulations...are basically the same. I still have to work on establishing emotional distance from them. When I read all this comments, I see that I am not alone and it somehow comforts me. We can all do it.
I've always wondered what was wrong with me that made my dad reject me.... this video perfectly described his lack of empathy... I've completely cut him out of my life a couple months ago...
Best thing I ever did was walk away from my father, completely cut him off. He is a narcissist and abuser. As far as he is concerned, it's always everyone else's fault. He refuses to entertain the notion he could be to blame for his own actions.
He has that shame deep inside for what he has done to people over the years and when meeting them he is highly abrasive and antagonistic, expecting a reactionary response, which of course to him excuses his own shameful behaviour. In his eyes, if he did something to you, it was because you deserved it and made him do it.
It's a vicious cycle, he is toxic because he expects a response, because he got it in the past, when he instigated it then. There's no way to work with that. Lose-lose.
The sad thing is, when he doesn't get that response, he becomes yet more destructive and antagonistic. He has no friends and the only people that stay in his life are the ones that play his game and dance to his beat.
Thank you for the video, I wish I found it years ago, it would have shortened the healing process.
This is really what I needed! #Godsend
As humans I think that's y we're here to give back !!! thanks again
Grew up with a suicidal mom....took her life on Valentines Day when I was 19....I'm in my late 50's now.....Dad said often, I can disown you at anytime...and watch out little girl....both parents so messed up...work very hard on my healing journey....it's a major work in progress and good videos help...thank you!!
I think my mum is the narcissist, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder when I was 18 and I am now 25. This video explains so much to me.
Incredible! This would be the first time where I have encountered a professional figure that hit my experience of a childhood of emotional neglect right in the head. As well as outline the traits that my father and mother share exactly. I am VERY happy to know that the things I have been doing since the time I had made the realisation properly about this disorder, are along the right track with self healing. You sounded very clinical in the analysis of Narcissists and of the affects the wreak upon their children which is a breath of fresh air compared to the many many, emotive testimonials and blog posts I am coming into contact with from relationship partners and adult children of the abusers. I will send an email as I do beleive that some of the readings and resources mentioned will authentically help me with bearing the brunt of the continuation of abuse as well as repairing myself in the long run. Subscribed!!! :) :)
What a fantastic and enlightened video, thank you so much! I held a virtual funeral for my parents a long time ago now and these days (in my mind) they are an unfavourite uncle and aunt. It was the best move I ever made. You're the first person I've heard in all that time mentioning the 'funeral' as a way of coping and moving on. Thinking of them as aunt and uncle that I don't like helps me to be free of any expectations that they would love me or show any supportive behaviour, and it's all good for my own self-esteem and peace of mind. Going to watch more of your videos now - thank you again!
This is hitting so many chords with me. You are describing my mother. She passed away naturally last year and only since have I began to heal. Thank you x
Excellent talk. This information is so helpful and lets me know it's a real issue and it wasn't my imagination. I am working on healing and this is one more step in the right direction.
Thanks. My mother is my fathers world and we don't really figure in his world. He is totally unaware. His mothers was the most selfish women anyone could meet but he and my aunts talk about how wonderful she was. My mother is a victim. They married despite objections and we only count we we make them look good. I have only just managed to distance myself from the favouritism etc. it has been a revelation listening to your and pete gerlaks free advice and exercises. Both of you have literally helped save my life, myself and sanity. Thank you.
Thank you. I have been trying to figure out how to deal with my parents. They cannot see me as an independent person or any of my needs. It has been very difficult and this video has been very helpful.
Sir thank you very much. You literally defined my life...but also gave me solutions. God bless you very much. I actually teared up watching this.
I am 19, so this luckly reached me in time...just amazed and so thankful I found this.Its the answer to my prayers.
After going to a family counselor for 4 visits with my mom to no avail I started researching on my own. My mother iis full scale NPD. Thank you so much for your videos and info. Its a big boost for me.
Thank you for your clear explanations and solutions for real life scenarios.Your presence is calming and supportive.
Thank you so much for this video. I have this uncontrollable urge to hit myself whenever I think of my mother, who have disregarded all of my problems in my life; they were always seen as failures of her. When citing sexual abuse, my mom saw that as an attack on her parenting. When losing weight successfully, my mom attempted to sabotage my weight loss, despite me telling her not to cook this or that for me--when I told her to not cook for me, she saw that, once again, as an attack on her. I vomited in front of her due to acid reflux and she turned away. I hurt myself in front of her and she laughed at me. As I grew older, she resented my success. I got a great boyfriend, I was frequently complimented, and I went to a top five university. Now I am estranged from her, and thus, my family. I never attend family gatherings because I never want to see her. I've lost much contact, and I do feel that she ruined my life. To be honest, even watching this video incites feelings of rage that makes me want to hit myself.
Your insights are absolutely spot on. I can't thank you enough for sharing your thoughts and guidance. All these years, I never made the connection that my parents could have been suffering from a personality disorder. I thought all families were like mine. Watching your videos has been eye opening and liberating. While I have a lot more work to do, just the knowledge alone is empowering. Thank you for sharing your expertise. Thank you!
Thanks for this. So many triggers were going off for me my mom held court at my wedding .stole my small moment in the sun
I adore my family including my parents who have passed away, (my mom from breast cancer at 33, my dad st 79) though they did hurt me deeply. Next was my eldest brother and younger sister and a step-mother (dec) are also narcissistic and have as well.I mean hurt me like nothing else. There was also a man when I was 47 whom I dated, he nearly polished me off.My daughter is remarkable and I am grateful for her presence in my life and for permitting me, so unworthy to my family, to be loved unconditionally and to be given the blessing to love her in the same way. I’m a spiritual person from a young age as my mom was a devout Catholic. I recall spelling my first word. My dad dutifully taught me at 4 years to write my name and the alphabet before grade1 I started at 5 yo. I looked at a box of formula 44, common in my everyday life and spelled it out. I was so overcome with joy at this and ran to tell my mom. I said “Mommy, I can spell formula!” She said, “You can not!” I spelled it out and she just looked at me as if I were really bad. And walked away.
wow! Thank you so much. Will get a hold of those books without a doubt. I think it's very kind of you to offer resources to help. I for one will email you. Brilliant video.
Hello Mr Wise, trank you so much much for your tips. I've just come to realize how manipulative my mother has been. Many of her manipulative actions during my childhood are becoming more and more clear to me. I feel emotionally stuck and I must decide how to get along with her. Many People on youtube say you have to go no contact. I think your advise seems to be the most reasonable one. First I have to heal myself and take care for my own personal needs.
Woah....when you were talking about the wedding part, that made me think of my own mother.
Granted, it wasn't a wedding but college. I think this sorta fits, but not sure?
When I was a little kid, I had a dream to go to Chatham University since I heard it was a good college.
I had visited it multiple times in before graduating and I really did like the thought of attending there since everything seemed as if the college was a high quality learning experience. (It was though from what I experienced for a small time.)
My mother went to the same college as well and did everything she could to get me in; even getting me into the same dorm she lived in. (Which was Woodland Hall.)
I even remember some parts in the time I was there, she'd brag to people because she was an alumna there and I was the "child of a Chatham alumni."
Once she finds out that I wasn't too happy there and that I left in the first semester to sign up to a community college where friends that I knew from middle and high school were going, she blew a casket!
Side note: Chatham is a VERY rich college where mostly rich girls go and I didn't feel too welcome there due to not being of wealth. Hence, I left. We all know how catty some women can be about social status after all...which I find really dumb.
My point being is that she wanted me to be like her and be a top elite college student like she was.
What I speak of does remind me of the wedding situation you spoke of in this video because the mother wants this experience, in this case for me being college, to go her way.
I thank you for this video. It really opened my mind that I might be (or have been...not sure 100%) that I've been dealing with a narcissist all my life. Yikes....
Rowlet i feel your pain. the only reason i went to college is bc i was expected to. i don't think i had any real wants of my own (still struggling with that) or felt i had a choice, i was a robot at that point, so i just went bc i knew that's what my lovely mother wanted. needless to say, it didn't go very well. that's when the damn started to break for me emotionally and mentally and that's why ur comment abt college struck a cord w me. i'm still struggling to this day trying to fig out what i want in life and not what wld please my mother (who is single and has no other children so i am the complete focus of her attn) or others for that matter. she put so much pressure on me to live to please her that it's subconsciously ingrained in me now. i walk on eggshells bc i kno if i make certain big or even small choices she doesn't like she will flip aka making it abt her, not me, when it's MY life! sorry for rambling :)
shana4806
That's exactly how it was for me, too!
Like I did like the thought of going to college at first (especially with how I took interest in going to Chatham before) but after I went.....I started thinking that it was a bad idea.
But I didn't want to quit at first because I was afraid of being in debt all my life after that.
That and the other part was that I wanted to see some old buddies of mine that I hadn't seen in ages! (while actually making new friends I still contact today)
I did end up taking a leave because of the stress my mother kept putting on me to have a specific GPA average + I wanted to get time to myself so I could figure out what I really wanted to do in life.
Plus I wanted to have more time to myself to socialize with friends, which is something I never got to do because my mother (and by extension her boyfriend who she also manipulated) always had me focus on nothing but studying.
(I want to guess she did that because when she was growing up, she never had a social life to begin with, so she's doing the same thing because she's envious that I have friends. I'm not sure, but that is my guess.)
Cuz I thought maybe I jumped the gun with what sorta major I wanted, and well as expected, my mother didn't like the fact of me taking a leave.
But yeah I totally get it! I felt the exact same way myself!
I don't get why mothers or fathers pull these sorta things with their children when it comes to college at least.
Also, when you said that you're the only child your mom wants to focus on....I can relate myself since I am the only child.
On one hand, I understand that parents want to see their kid succeed, but on the other....they shouldn't control them like they are like little playthings (or personal pawns in their little game of chess.)
I still live with this said mother for now because I don't have anywhere else to go for the time being.
The family members I keep in contact with (that she hasn't brain washed) fears her since she'd made false "kidnapping" claims before for times I've willingly stayed at a relative's to get away from her and her boyfriend.
I'm waiting until my girlfriend from out of state moves so she can help me move in.
My girlfriend doesn't fear my mother (which is a good thing) and I know that she can help me stand up to her.
It's just taking her time because she has to rebuild up her savings ever since she moved out of her mother's place.
LONG story short, she also suffered from having the misfortune of being born to a narcissistic mother with a martyr complex who'd always blackmail her for money.
And for months, years even, she would blackmail her child for money to obtain VIDEO GAME SYSTEMS (which she does not play either!) that she really doesn't need.
I digress. She and I are both working towards bettering ourselves though.
My girlfriend is trying to move in my area so I can move in with her and I am trying to do research on places I we can look into moving to.
I have hope that the two of us can find a place. c:
i know what you mean abt that fine line between wanting your child to do well and living vicariously through them. i think its really done a number on me! and good for you that you have a girlfriend that is likeminded and not phased by your mother and her tactics. fortunately i am blessed with a bf that helps me be healthier as well. and I don't live with my mom but i live in a house she owns (which is a nightmare in its own right lol) and we are trying to get out as soon as possible too! bc she looooves playing the martyr as well, everything she does is in the guise of benevolence... she likes to hold things over my head and make me feel in debt to her. but good luck to you guys with your living situation... I personally kno how tough that can be! i'm just trying to take little steps at a time and get as emotionally and mentally healthy as possible in the time being bc unfortunately we can't control them, we can only control ourselves!
sorry for the cussing in my message a couple days ago. I was definitely reacting based on how I've been treated by my parents and then listening to you set me off because you simply helped me free my mind. Thanks again and I hope that my testimony helps others out of their situations as well.
My narcissistic mother did not use me as her scapegoat until she divorced her second husband. He was her supply. At the age of 18 I became her supply. Are there any resources for people who didn't experience narcissistic abuse until they became adults?
Thanks, man. You cleared up a lot of things for me. Keep posting.
Thank you for this. I found this video several weeks ago as I was first learning about narcissism and recognizing it in my father. I accidentally found the same video again, but it was still helpful the second time around. Thank you.
I can't even put my thoughts into words... I've been feeling lost for decades and this brought too much to light..emotions gone crazy!
+familytreecounseling It was in a good way....the only bad thing is my narcissistic dad will NEVER believe it.
My elderly mother uses fake illness when she doesn't get her way with her grown children. She acts like she is on her death bed in one moment, but yet if we mention she may need help in a nursing home facility it is like she has a miraculous cure. She acts like the matriarch. It scares me when she cries wolf. She always talks about the guilt we will have when she is gone. How do we deal with her faking near death? She has done this to me since I was 6. I have feared her death a gazillion times when she uses it as a guilt leverage.
Thank you Jeremy. Very helpful upload on Narcissism. I value it. Look after yourself.
I caused a narcisstic injury to my mother. I knew something was off about my father. But I saw the mask come off my mother. Took two years to even process everything. It's right out of the book. I have taken measures to remove myself and get away financially and protect myself. The damage is unbelievable but the truth came. Of course my sibling is manipulated, I am the bad guy, they love you, etc. Now l realized I was raised by vampires. I am in my late 40s. Thank you for your posts. They have been helpful and I shared with others and was helpful. The orbit analogy is excellent.
I moved to NYC in '87 but have internalized pain from having NPD parents. Although I have not visited mom for 4 years, she is abusive on the phone, she has anger and rage too, (borderline bpd) she is controlling and I cannot find what I need from this relationships and I need to move away emotionally. She is mean. There was much neglect too, mom was depressed, slept through the childhood, I did not always go to school, have breakfast, showers, hygiene etc. My parents were separated then divorced. Dad was a narcissist too, a strange one and very intelligent but not emotionally intelligent. I enjoyed his intellect. I used to think the blame shame and guilt was in our family only more rare but later, after reading, videos and therapy I learned how frequent this happens in family systems, learning helps so much. The turning on self part is the real work we have to do. I like that you term inner destructive narcissistic parent. Gladly, I do not have narcissistic friends nor a NPD spouse. I am self aware and am growing. The journey is working on the inner critic, improving self esteem and motivation to change-grow and set goals. Thanks so much.
Only four minutes into this video and you are spot on!!
This video is so enlightening and refreshing to be able to relate to everything that was discussed. It's made me feel relief about an area in my life that has caused me so much grief among other crazy roller coaster emotions.
pure gold, thank you for the up load - so i talk to my father last week about thies ,first time for 44 years, all he replyd was that is your opnion, i hav a difrent one, than i told him no it is not my opnion it is what happend to me what you did, so i ges i never see him again- but the strange thing about it was to see what a snake he was, he even sad he did not care about his grand children becus it was my kids.
Most valuable video.
A must ,especially in the beginning of getting help.
Thanks Jerry, another great video, very helpful to me personally and I'm working on some difficult issues right now. God bless.
this video pretty much summed up how my mother has always acted, except for one minor detail that i feel like is special in my mom and us kids as a result of her narcissisim. She wants everything to go her way, but she NEVER shows it, for example, all of us kids will want to go to mcdonalds after church and we know our mom doesnt want to go but my mom reluctantly goes along with it, as if to make us feel bad for her and realize that she is the one true GOD and is perfect even when ppl are mean to her. But yah i hope you read this!!!!!!!
This is gold, I’m so glad you shared this & I found it.
Spot-on advice. Thank you!
When I grew up, she still kept saying she didn't want kids and stuff so I said, "Why didn't you use birth control, then?" She said, "They didn't have it back then." (I'm almost 65) I said, "They had rubbers." She said, "We didn't always have money." I said, "You should have crossed your legs, then."
Thank you for sharing your work and wisdom 🙏❤️
Finally I cannot take trying to have a one sided relationship with my father. Cutting contact has been so freeing and yet so heartbreaking at the same time. I know I have made the right decision for me but it's hard to realize that I really never had a father present in my life.
I understand so much now..thank u
Gold! So helpful & Insightful. A lot of clarity in this. Thank you so much.
Amazing video, many many thanks!
Mr. Wise, I wondered if you would do (or have you done) a video on dealing with narcissistic rage? Thank you so very much!
i was a fat kid, I'm not sure if I used food as comfort until I got older but it was definitely a reward system in my home. do a good job, get McDonald's. so when I was 16 and it was time for homecoming, my NM took me to a local dress store to try on gowns. the first thing we did was walk past several racks of wedding gowns, and I will never forget.. she pulled out a beautiful little gown, looked at it then me and said, "if you're too fat to wear a dress like this at _your_ wedding, you're not even going to wind up married, so you'd better actually start trying". luckily I didn't develop an ED but at that moment something snapped in my mind and I swore I'd never ever have a wedding or even get married if it meant my mother could have control over one less thing in my life.
It's exhausting. One day it's peaches and cream, the next day I'm a piece of shit. Once I find a job I'm saving money and I'm moving far far away from them. I'll never contacted them either. I should have done that when my sister moved out.
BRILLIANT. THANK YOU!!!!!!!
Thank you Jerry...will share in the Surviving Spirit newsletter. FYI - past issues posted at the site, just Google. Take care, Michael
Thank you so much. This is incredibly healing and helpful
Looking good Jerry, looking well.
Thank you for this important information Jerry. I think my mother has traits. My problem is that I can never separate from her because my daughter adores her & thinks she's perfect. I did move 176miles away from her but she's always in my head telling me how stupid I am.
When I had depression she didn't come up to care for me because she said she would have just shouted at me to get out of bed.
My daughter thinks that I'm the narcissist unfortunately & gives me a hard time over it. I wasn't a good mother. I screamed & shouted far too much. I couldn't cope with children & a job alone. I feel such a failure.
Your video has helped to explain a lot of things especially how my mother, a woman who is extremely negative and jealous of others has never suffered from depression in her life as I have & do. She was a spoiled second child & always puts herself firstz
Thank you for this incredibly helpful video!
Man, this is ridiculously accurate. Also, I think you described most Chinese parents, because man, do they mess you up emotionally.
I agree. I just mean as a chinese Canadian, the image obsessed, shame based way my generation was raised, aligns very neatly with narcissist parents.
I have to agree with this statement completely. I have been reading up about Nparents and to be honest Chinese parents tick every box there is. Or at the very least mine.
it's extremely simple dealing with a narcissist... put your game face on and never let them get a reaction out of you, don't expect to have soulful conversations, only have superficial conversations this will full fill the need of the narcissist to feed their ego somewhat and it will keep you from revealing to many personal info that they will use later to guilt trip or whatever, and when you notice them getting all narcy.. either put your foot down and set a boundary or just detach from what they are saying they either want to one uppmanship, tell you what to do how to do it, or belittle you..so don't take it personal they are needing validation so if they get an emotional reaction then they win, but if you don't give a rise no one loses anything the relationship is equalized... so, just know the symptoms of narc and watch when your narc beginsnarc behavior and sidestep with your ego..
and don't ask for their opinion on anything just tell them your decision :)
wow this is amazing, I realise what's happened but it seems to hard to break this emotional cycle.
Love you as I do many of my teachers! !! if I could just unwash my brain enough to not go crazy I'm living thanks sugars ..
You've made my day on 14:55 ...*)! Thank you so much for that! I had to hold my belly because I had to laugh so much. Of course it's really sad, but on the other hand, from a certain perspective these Narcs are so laughable with their infantile behavior.