Understanding A Narcissist's Self Loathing
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- Опубліковано 2 чер 2024
- It's very common for narcissists to let you know how they hold you in low regard. But Dr. Les Carter reminds you that such an attitude does not arise from a vacuum. Before they feel loathing toward you, they already experience it toward themselves, then they project it outward. Once you see it, you are positioned to stay out of their psychological manipulations.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his UA-cam channel, his videos have received more than 100 million views.
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Yet they never admit it, narcissist want others to feel the same way they feel about themselves. My biological father continuesly tried to ruin other people's lives
Narcs just never stop 🛑
Absolutely true. They try and project their feelings on to you !!! ❤️
Mine the same. My lawyer even said he was the most petty person he ever had to defend someone against. His whole lawsuit against me was nothing but nonsense and lies that kept getting exposed and knocked down for what they were and he still kept on.
Could be; we are related. Cousin Winnie invites herself for visits; trashes me; makes ugly gossip about family. Ugh!
Same with my mother. She's just brooding & miserable.
Never self-reflects. It's always the other person.
Ironic really that we can escape them but they can never escape themselves.
They radiate their inner hatred. ☢
Well stated, Yukio 🙏💛🙏
@@roxymovie3938 Yes, it's dangerous. Keep away from them. ⚠
"Narcissists have no problem at all with stepping all over your boundaries" you're describing my family
Don't get caught up in the narcissist's snares is the right way to put it. They're always setting a trap for us, especially the love bombing after their contemptuous actions. Thank you so much for your help, Dr C!
Yes, you have to be able to step back and think how will they act in adversity or when you're in need.
You have to think about how much kindness vs distress there is in your companionship.
What you are describing sounds like what is called, "The cycle of violence." Social workers who are educated about that phenomenon so they can better help domestic violence survivors know about that phrase while at the same time they are well aware that domestic violence perpetrators almost never change unless it is the rare case in which that behavior was temporary while it was being brought on by drug-interactions during a misdiagnosis or whatever.
"Compensation or Retaliation!"
@@johngiordano3996 Can you expand on that?
Terror! Cousin Windy simply has to have the last Word.. She has been a Havoc- causing trouble Maker since1961-i am DONE , Windy D. let it go Cousin
What I have also noticed is that they get in trouble at work because they feel that asking questions is a sign of weakness so they error regularly by doing what they think
Mines loathes everything and everyone.
My narcissistic husband always says everyone hates him when in fact we love him. Yesterday was the worst day so far but it was his narc mother’s birthday and she passed away 2 years ago.
Narcisists hate their humanity and fragility and they project it onto others. They can only give what they have which is disdain and loathing- for themselves and others. It can be seen and felt in so many painful ways. No man can help a narcissist, they need divine intervention to save them. Thank you dr Carter. God bless you❤
This video resonates with me. My father was angry, resentful, intrusive, abusive and highly critical. I spent far too many years trying to work with very little. It cost me my own health. I learned that his behaviors were integrated into him at a young age and his inability to like himself became a reason to target those who loved him. It made me sick for many years and to this day I struggle with anxiety. I'm in a program right now, working on myself. The reality is: A relationship is two people. Both get to make their own choices in that relationship. THANK YOU DR CARTER!!
So sorry for the undeserved abuse and mistreatment you've endured. The ailments from such are devastating 😢You deserved and continue to deserve love, compassion, care, protection and provision 🫂❤️🩹☀️💐so proud of you and wishing you a kind and gentle recovery and life 🙏🎁
My mother projects everything she does to me.
And I've also noticed that whenever she needs help she won't say: "can you help me with..?
Instead she yells: "I'm aching and you see me and do nothing".
Then I asked her "do you need my help?"
She can't say yes. She can't 😮
Thank you for these videos. Over 7 years ago my narcissistic, borderline personality daughter tried to destroy me. I have since forgiven her, but I also pray I never see her again.
Now I’m finding that a young family member has grown into an adult & is now displaying similar behaviors of my daughter. I am going to listen to all of the videos I can to help me set boundaries & deal with these behaviors in a healthy way. Thank you again!
The best advice I can give anyone is to ALWAYS listen to your gut, no matter who it is. I didn’t & it changed my life forever. Sometimes your biggest enemy is right under your nose.
My daughter is like yours. It's really hard to explain this to anyone. They are quick to blame you.
And I finally went No Contact with her. I'm much happier now.
Susan Mercurio- yes it’s very hard to explain it to people bc unless they’ve lived it, they don’t get it. My daughter also tried to destroy her dad, but it didn’t work with him. He stopped all c contact with her & I thought that was terrible, then a few years later it was my turn to be destroyed. I have to live with the effects of what she did to me every single day despite me forgiving her.
Absolutely my 60yr old son
I agree with you all...im experiencing this now....children who are sick
I agree with you all! My daughter is trying to destroy my husband, her step-father. He has been better to her than her own narc dad! I can honestly say i NEVER tried to shame my daughter growing up, yet I'm the one she always lashes out at! I always encouraged her in anything she did. She went no contact a year ago, taking her 6 year old daughter along. It is breaking my heart to not see my granddaughter.
The feelings I feel are HIS feelings that he dumps on me! This is why they have an intimate partner- JUST to house their shame and ick!
What you said about them loathing themselves, and not being able to handle that kind of shame internally, that was so powerful for me! I feel like I just had an epiphany! Thank you 🙏
Once you see it, you can't unsee it.
This video provided me with a much needed epiphany too! Today was one of the worst episodes of their self-loathing on full display as they projected it all onto me. It feels like I survived an intense battle and should be covered in wounds. I look around and there's nothing physical, but internally I'm in tatters.
I won't let them see me cry if I can help it so I escaped to a room they wouldn't follow and silently wept. One of my kitties sat on my lap the whole time tightly holding my arm with her front legs and paws as she purred and just sat with me in my pain. (Such a simple yet profound moment of understanding and compassion from a kitty I'm still getting to know. When I'm overwhelmed thinking about today and how I'll handle tomorrow I think about her hugging my arm and remember to breathe.) Anyway, this video offered crystal clear clarity to help me finish processing what happened today and has been for almost 15 years. I feel a bit stronger now despite the weariness.
I'm thankful for these team healthy epiphanies ❤️🩹
It takes less energy to love than it does to hate. Hating is too tiring for me !!!
Agreed!
@@SurvivingNarcissism I hope you are feeling better 💓
Amen!!
Very wise words spoken 🙏💛🙏 And thank you for this reminder, Amanda 🫂❤
@roxymovie3938 Thanks Roxy. Take care 🙏❤️
"Misery likes company"
I encourage using this understanding to get the heck out! Don’t let understanding cause your loving compassionate self to try to nurture toxic people into emotional health. Protect yourself. They. Don’t. Change.
I'm thinking that their underlying shame and loathing actually explains their behavior. They settle for getting supply, but it isn’t ever enough to undo their negative feelings. They crave more, thinking that just a little bit more might finally work.
It’s kinda like pron, booze, illegal substances, and power.
Edited because YT didn’t like me actually clearly saying what addictive behaviors I was referring to. Pron = adult sophisticate material that guys find for free on the interwebs.
I asked my narc what his strengths and weaknesses were, and he said he had no weaknesses. My response was "wow okay".
Supreme informations on these people who CHOSE evil, Thank You Dr! saving many souls like myself
I just want to tell you what inner peace you've brought to my life in my most difficult time. If someone read a book about my 65 yrs here they would not believe it wasn't fictional.
You take the torment n againizing anxiety away, if only for a while.
I am fighting this one for my life how I've made it through these last 12 yrs is beyond me.
So God Bless you and he will. I adore you thank you so much
Something I find interesting about both of the relational narcissists I’ve dealt with, DrC, is neither of them said, “I loath you.” Instead, my mum would say, “You hate me.” I was smart enough as a child to know she actually hated herself. It still messed with my heart and mind tho. And my husband would say, “You don’t love me as much as I love you.” I finally figured out what he really meant was, “You will never love me as much as I expect you to love me which is actually to be obsessed with me because that’s how much I love myself.” Took me a long time to figure that one out.
I hope you are on the mend, DrC! Happy healing!!!
Such great insight. And yes, I'm healing, but slowly. My voice is still scratchy, but not as awful as the beginning of the week. Ugh.
I knew that my ex ( Narcussist), didnt like himself. He would verbally say things like " I make such great decisions" etc..he was being sarcastic. I spent 14 years trying to give him positives, and point out the good things he did, and what things to be grateful for and no matter what I said or did he would never get it or learn from me. Lots of shame in his head.
The narcissist can make you hate yourself to such extreme you destroy yourself. Then afterward, you work hard to retrieve your spirit and regain self love/respect more than ever.
The other side of my granddaughter's family does this: they really don't know how to do much, but they ridicule and belittle anyone who can do those things. Cooking, crafts, gardening, anything like this they criticize.
They want to be cared for and about, they want to be seen and understood, while they don't even understand why they feel so awful and on the way they choose the worst possible strategies.
Also, they rather complain and loath instead of working on the issues as it keeps them getting te attention they so desperately need. As soon, as someone 'breaks' and tells them it's enough, they have created the base for guilt shaming and turning it around.
After a long time being treated like a worm, I cut her off and, months later, I'm realizing how smart, talented, and kind I am and how much she hated that because it's the opposite of her. She avoided situations where I outshone her and made me feel ashamed when I let myself shine, even accidentally. Distorted reality indeed.
My whole narc family will come down on me if I dare show any pride in my artistic talents or just bc I have a big heart.
@@graveyardghost2603 Please continue to be yourself. The best thing you can do is achieve success in whatever endeavor you choose. I wish you well.
@@ginnywalker184 thank you Ginny! The same to you ❤
@@graveyardghost2603 Use the gifts you're given, you deserve to create and share, and goodness is contagious
Your comment SO resonates with me!! I have an older sister who has apparently been competing with me my whole life (not being wired that way myself, I was 58 before I realized it!! 😳😳). I can’t even describe the extended discard she put me through … ending in my financial ruin, distrust of ANY employer (let’s face it when when your sister spies on you to gather “evidence” for your firing, then sets up an “investigation” by a former state cop to interrogate you for 2.5 hours over things you didn’t think, say, or do … trust in employers as decent people pretty much goes in the shitter!). God, the lies & contempt & gossip & humiliation & power plays & accusations & sabotage … they had been lurking beneath the surface all along. Just wish I’d known sooner. And I’d still help her if I could but I’m a piece of garbage (according to her) and I honestly don’t have it in to put myself around her again. Enough really IS enough. God bless her & I wish her well (truly!) but I can’t trust her ever again and know now that I ever could. The betrayal … never again!! Very best wishes to you in your recovery & thank you for sharing such a relatable comment … it’s awful for both of us yet helps to know we really are NOT ALONE!! 😘❤️
Thank you, Dr. Carter for these videos. They have been very helpful to me in understanding my fractured relationship with my mother. She was so mean and nasty to me unless she needed my "help" in something, and no matter how badly she treated me I never told her she was mean and nasty. Several months ago my intuition told me my mother did not know how to love and you have helped me realize my intuition was on track. Sadly, they make life very difficult for themselves and those they live with but they always blame others, and in my situation, my mother blamed me for everything bad that has happened in my life." She was also always looking at what other people had and coveting their life/belongings, etc. and was never thankful for the blessings bestowed upon her. Her children were born healthy, her husband was a good provider and cared about his family, but that was never enough for my mother. Looking back it makes me sad to think about how angry she was inside and how much sadness she spread during her 96 years of life. She passed several years ago and I hopeful she has now found peace but I can almost guarantee that she was arguing with her Maker once she passed. I hope she's at peace. I loved her because she was my mother but I did not like her. It makes me sad that she never believed in me or knew who I was. Her loss. Thank you again for what you share!
These exact words could be said
about my mother. She has always been horribly envious of what others had & tried to project that way of thinking onto my sister & myself when we were growing up. She even told me that I was jealous of my older sister when she got married because I was single. So untrue & so toxic & vile to try to cause division between your daughters & to attempt to make me feel lonely & unwanted. She's been divorced for years & she's the jealous. Everything is always someone else's fault. Like you, I love my mom for her good qualities & for all of the good that she's done in raising me when I was a child, but I don't like her because of what she's done to me. As is true of all narcissists, she is getting increasingly worse with age & truly unbearable to be around.
I don’t like or love neither of my n parents 😂
Once years ago I was telling my narc sister some problems i was having, and she interrupted to say "I dont want to hear about your stuff bc YOU got to be skinny!" As if my being skinny means I have no right to have other problems like anyone else 🙄
Omg 😲 That is so shallow ❤️
@@amandaliverpool3374 I know, right? 😳
Thank you Dr. Carter. Your wisdom soothes my soul. It was a magnificent day the day I first saw your presentation here on UA-cam. Thank you for enriching my life. Life before you was not so 'pretty'.
So pleased! #TeamHealthy
It’s called the baby needs attention.
The standard bearer. Dominant
But if you cannot go no contact, train yourself to not react emotionally. It's imperative for them to affect how you are feeling. Have fun and react in the opposite way. Your misery is their supply. Cry in the bathroom.
While I find this very hard to believe, I am sure it is true. I've never had the opportunity to have a real relationship with anyone in my life as my mother, sister and husband are/were all narcissists and most of my relatives were vile people, just mean. I do know this. Narcissists are love stealers. They cannot stand for anyone around them to like let alone love you. They will keep at it until they destroy every relationship that you have that matters to them. So, at 76 I am completely alone, and I am ok with that because, truthfully, that is all that I have ever known. The best years of my life were spent alone, with my animal family. If I had one wish it would be that my sister's and my husband's family knew the truth, knew who they really were and in my sister's case I wish her sons knew the hell I went through living with her as a child.
You know what that might be the worst thing you can wish for , because they might find out and still don't care because the narcissist probably have them so manipulated and trained that it wouldn't even matter baby so it's best for you to just keep it to yourself and wish for something else love ❤. Fuxx them. I would wish for a trip to an island somewhere or meet someone who understood me. Js. God bless you 🙏
Wish for more love for people wish for more love for yourself. Because you are way better than them and that person.😊
I've come to realize that I am worthy and I'm better than them .😅
I will pray for you. In my 60’s God sent the love of my life & I have my dogs that I trust more than people. My narcissistic, borderline personality daughter stole my reputation so I live friendless, but there are worse things. God bless you.
@genitagray6126 me too ! Thanks for sharing !
Turns out this will be incredibly timely.
Hang on. Why are you called mean monkey? Are you working for the other side? 🤨 It's certainly possible opps could be lurking here. Narcs wouldn't want us to figure them out.
@@user-ov4wr5yu4r Mean Monkey is a character from Kubo and The Two Strings, a stop motion animation. You might like it.
@@user-ov4wr5yu4r A character in Kubo and the Two Strings.
@@user-ov4wr5yu4r , meanmonkey is truly suffering . Try a little compassion . You might like it .
My ex sent me a legal (divorce) letter that was filled with blatant lies, ommitted facts that made me look like a decent human being, and stated financial consequences he hoped would bury me. I solved the problems and it wasn't hard because 4 years out from separation, I am financially stable. After a week, he went into hoovering and love bombing because he is ashamed of himself, and wants to pretend he was not (once again) financially abusive. I am so close to freedom. Divorce is final in the next couple of weeks. Just have to disconnect financially. Keep the videos coming, Dr C. Blessings and love to your family this holiday season. My puppy, Ripley sends hugs to Gus xx
For the record- wishing Team Healthy peace especially during the Holiday Season: ( in thanksgiving)
❤❤❤❤🪻🫂🫂
Take care 🫂❤️
@michelleharkness , Happy Holidays !
Thanks, Michelle ❤ Wishing you also lots of peace 🕊🕊🕊 and happy holidays 🙏💛🙏
Back at ya roxy!! 💛💛🫂🫂 😎😎@@roxymovie3938
This video is so validating. I've said to him, I am willing to stay with you and help you (walk along side you) but you have to stop Blaming, guilting, shaming ME for all the issues you created, etc. I can deal with mental health issues, I can deal with physical health issues - I would never leave someone for that but what I cannot deal with is the constant project and LIES.
I think the most defining moment for my ex was when he said about how much he loves himself, and named all of these superficial reasons why he thought he was so "awesome". Like playing guitar and whatnot. He said his problem is that nobody appreciated him. The problem was, that any small disagreement, or someone telling him that he said or did something hurtful to them, that meant they didn't appreciate him. If I didn't text him every 15 minutes and write a new quote on the fridge everyday, that meant I didn't appreciate him. When I tried to talk to him about any of his hurtful behaviors or words, I suddenly was the worst person ever and didn't appreciate him. His one friend didn't text him for a couple days, and that meant she didn't care unless it was "convient" as he put it.
I can never have a decent conversation with mines
As much as I hate the narcissist behavior, after listening to this, I almost feel sorry for the narcissist. I know they are some evil evil people and they enjoy inflicting pain onto others, but, thinking about my mother and sister, they've experienced some deep trauma in their formative years. I'm not making excuses or rationalizing their behavior, but in their cases, I know what they experienced. It's sad. However, I did grow tired of the behavior and abuse and decided to seek healing for myself. I pray for them daily. I've been praying for them my entire life. But, it's time for me to pray for myself, which I have and do daily, and trust in the Lord to fight for me and heal my broken heart. It's a struggle, as you all know, but I'm desperate for healing.
🙏🏼🌹
@mskim671 , Thank you ! I felt the Holy Spirit in your testimony !
For what it’s worth, I did see change in someone with narcissistic traits, although not the most extreme behaviours. It took life crisis, spiritual awakening and connection to nature for them to turn things around. In other words, God can do it, but humans can’t, in my opinion.
@@AlexLouiseWest Gives hope. I have heard works of charity growing up helps. Once someone loses connection with those things though...
@@An-meiI didn’t know that, it’s really interesting.
Why is it that the feeling of shame, the hurt and rejection caused to one causes them to perpetrate the same behavior on their own? Then it isn't enough that they loath you, they have to wound those who belong to you.
What makes them not want to do better for their own?
It must be love. They have given up on wanting to be loved and
ever loving.
Hence Dr. C’s common response to them, “We think differently.” I’d carry that out to action. We behave differently.
@@aaronkwolfe Right. We can't make them behave differently.
@@An-mei I don’t think even THEY can make themselves behave differently.
@@aaronkwolfe That's what they want. The want to subjugate us.
@@aaronkwolfe My comment is gone? That is what they want to do to us, to subjugate. It is that we aren't complicit when they retaliate.
You don't need to develop a sixth sense to identify when a narcissist is doing this. "Lack of subtlety and tact" is a trademark of theirs.
As a person who considers himself intuitive and perceptive, any time you get that disproportionate, over the top reaction from them, it surely precedes you entering their life and it goes way, way, back, as Dr. C says. I
If nothing else, I've learned to quickly identify when I'm dealing with someone's unresolved inner turmoil.
If you think about it, narcissists make that job easy for you; that is, when you finally see it for what it is.
I am no longer a foil! Thank you Dr Carter ❤️🙏
So pleased!
I REALLY wish I could garner some sympathy for these narcissists, but I haven't heard anything Yet that will make me feel bad about their rotten souls!!! My narc loves who she is and takes great delight in making other people miserable 😢. It's like some kind of game to them. If the shoe was on the other foot and they were the ones to put up with their mess, they'd be looking for sympathy from everyone. They are the only ones who count.
Dr C, you are amazing---such insight and so totally right on. You give me courage to stay at absolutely no contact no matter how many devious ways he tries connecting with me through the use of all kinds of social media pretending to be a friend (steals their profile photos, etc and makes new accounts), etc etc etc. AND........this is not from a teenager, but at 77 year old man!!1!Thank you so so much. You have no idea how much you are helping me.
Thanks for such good feedback. I'm pulling for you!
Self-loathing is a pattern of thoughts, beliefs or feelings of worthlessness, failure, inadequacy, and incompetence.
It involves a negative internal narrative that continuously shames, judges, demeans, and finds fault in the self. The results are not feeling good enough and therefore undeserving of anything good in life. This creates a negative perspective in life in general and the outcome is a vicious cycle.
Cause and effect:
1. Emotional neglect
Emotional neglect during childhood can create deep-seated feelings of insecurity and inadequacy in narcissists. Parents who fail to provide emotional support, validation, and attention to their children can leave them feeling unloved and unworthy.
2. Childhood trauma
Trauma can create feelings of shame, guilt, and worthlessness that can be difficult to overcome. Narcissists may hate themselves for being unable to cope with their trauma in a healthy way and for feeling the need to rely on their narcissistic behaviour as a defence mechanism.
3. Fear of abandonment
Narcissists often have a deep-seated fear of abandonment and rejection. They may hate themselves for feeling dependent on others for validation and attention. This fear can lead them to engage in manipulative or controlling behaviour to keep others close. For example, a person who grew up with an absent or emotionally distant parent may develop a deep-seated fear of abandonment that drives them to seek constant validation and attention from others.
Symptoms:
• having eating concerns or disorders
• feeling overwhelmed or highly stressed
• showing a lack of self-care or chronic self-neglect
• being in toxic relationships
• having co-dependency
• having addictions of all kinds
Help to overcome self-loathing:
1. Develope self-compassion
2. Develope self-empathy
3. Learn to forgive
4. Lower your expectations
5. Accept other people's compliments
6. Practice mindfulness
7. Practice positive self-talk
8. Make a list of your strenghts
9. Embrace your feelings
Unfortunately, they will never admit any fault or weakness 😢 Take care 🫂❤️
@@amandaliverpool3374 Or if they do, it's purely strategic, performative, and means nothing.
@@vaska1999 agreed 👍
Is there a link for this list of symptoms? I would like to send it to someone.
Roxiemovie , You are a spring of wisdom. Thanks.
Dr Carter, does their self-loathing explain their discards, particularly when they know they have been fully seen behind their masks?
Correct. Being known scares them, but it comes out as anger.
"When was the last time they actually said "You're right!""?"...
Please excuse me while I chortle!!!!😂😂
You may chortle!!
Its satan using them.unfortunately they enjoy it,the fake power.
This is definitely a classic example of this person. Who do they think they are. It is safer to remain single rather than connect with people who are dangerous to mingle with. Your educational video have given me confidence that I truly deserve moving forward. This road I traveled the last two plus years with this person has been extremely stressful leading up to this conclusion that of his narcissistic behavior that sums up this scenario. Take care and God bless. ❤
Glad you’re better Dr C !
I'm working on it!
@@SurvivingNarcissism ❤😷❤
Doc , they may not be able to Love ....but they certainly have that hate thing down pat . What a sad existence . 😢
Exactly 💯 🫂❤️
Yes, Patty, a very sad existence and you cannot help them 😢 🙏💛🙏
@@roxymovie3938 ....boy oh boy they sure want you to try , all the way up to the discard . They are such victims 🤷🤯
@@texaspatty458 They refuse any input from you. So you are never able to help them. Sure they want a helping hand as supply but nothing beyond that. They give unasked advice all the time but when you give advice or want to help them, they lash out - passive aggressivly or getting directly into rage. The discard is just the conesquence of the love bombing, because that was fake while the discard is the true answer - their inability to love and their core of self-hatred.
Yes, Yes & Yes. And that’s why they can never grow, nor heal.
For the record- sometimes I feel it is best to find a trustworthy therapist; I find that people who do this are happier and I have found that this healthy strategy works well for me ( opinion)
@michelleharkness7549 , Thank you !
Sounds like my ex. She had to have the upper hand. Same with the other females in her family. Her mantra was "keep your mouth shut and bring home the paycheck." To her marriage was about making life as easy as possible for her. I ignored all the signals before marriage which was a big mistake! I thought she would change.
I’m learning so much from you about this. Great video. So many great pieces of information.
Glad it was helpful!
My notes:
5:55 They'll also think, “Your need to talk about weaknesses and flaws illustrates just exactly how inadequate you are. You're not a very strong person if you admit weaknesses.”
6:17 Every one of us carries some sort of inner tension and we have personal inconsistencies. Healthy individuals will take ownership of that. “I'm going to examine it. I'm going to see what it's about. And I'm going to do something to make it as minimal as I can possibly do because I have other higher priorities that I want to aim for.
6:40 The narcissist like, “Oh no, no, no, I despise my humanity and if I have to admit my flaws it humiliates me.
7:28 They try to put on a veneer that says, “I'm fine. I'm okay. Nobody is going to get to me.” In their minds, they've rationalized to themselves, “I make a lot of sense, unlike you.”
8:11 This self-loathing has created in them what we might refer to as distorted reality. There's a defense mechanism called reaction formation. Basically reaction formation means that you respond to your own internal anxiety by seeking out the opposite. They must be in that role that's says, “I don't have the problems that the rest of you idiots out there have.”
10:33 They have to present themselves as being beyond whatever difficult you see in them, even when the evidence is glaringly obvious. It's like, “I don't go into that space and you are not allowed to go into that place.”
10:50 They're stuck and they remain in their pattern.
10:59 So you might be thinking toward that narcissist, “What you don't know is I already see so many of these flaws and negatives on the inside and frankly I'd be willing to walk alongside of you if you're trying to figure out how to become the much better alternative but when you persist in blaming or even terrorizing people like myself because you so loathe who you are, I'm not doing myself any favors nor am I doing you any favors by participating in that kind of relating. I can't do that. I'm sorry for your self-loathing but that's something you are going to have to come to terms with on your own.
13:21 Narcissists will say, “I loathe you”, when, in fact, the more honest response from the from the inside of would say, “I have such a loathing for myself that I try to avoid that by putting it on to you.”
13:39 I'm hoping as you see through it that you'll not get caught in all the snares that go along with that and in doing so you can separate yourself off from their own misery and become a person of steadiness which ultimately can allow you to be the person of peace that you wish that they could be.
Thanks for introducing us to Gus. I always enjoy seeing him mellowing-out in the background.
My first reaction is, you must know my father. My second reaction is, it's really depressing that there are others like him.
Unfortunately, there is an abundance of them.
In Thanksgiving: Media Technical Support People, Staff, Gus and Dr. Les Carter, Ph.D. & family: btw/ thank you 🙏: again: thank you 🙏
I can't describe how much you've helped me lately with these vids.
I remember your name from years ago when I heard you talk on Minirth Mier Clinic radio.
Thanks, Jim. I really enjoyed my 25 years at M-M. You must be an oldie-goldie!
It's been awhile 😊@@SurvivingNarcissism
WHY can't they see all humans are flawed?
If they realize they're flawed it triggers feelings of worthlessness and shame. The idea that they're are human and make mistakes is like death to them.
These videos are so helpful, such excellent content and made with obvious care and compassion for the audience.
A lot of the things you say about the Narcissist I need to do for myself.. I need to learn how to protect myself against abusive people..
I have so much pain, but your insight is helpful. Thank you, Dr.. Carter. ❤
Keep tuning in whenever you possibly can. Knowledge is empowerment. We are all here for you 🫂❤️
Know that you are not alone. 💝
Thank you so much amanda! ❤❤🪻🫂🫂@@amandaliverpool3374
I always appreciate your comments meanmonkey. @@An-mei
❤❤❤🕊🕊🕊🫂 🫂🫂🪄💛💛💛
Artists are often in pain, Robbie
Keep expressing your pain
I so love your colourful profiles and paintings 😍
Big hugs for you 🫂❤
Thank you so much again, Dr. Carter, for another helpful video offered in the spirit of good will.
Although we will never meet, I feel that you truly understand oeople, and I reiterate that listening to your videos is like some of the best therapy available.
You come from the heart, and I wish I could hear your wife sing. Music can combine silence and a connection through sound to the souce of all beauty. . . It is the highest art, imo.
I have come to the conclusion that all real love songs in fact are to G-d, and G-d is present in heart of the real human being, just as the Bhagavad Gita says, and that is why love is possible between humans.
The human voice of a great singer and the lullaby of a mother to her precious child, all bear witness.
I used to be a cellist. I am 66. The cello is similar to a human voice.
It is al for the Presence of love, evn in this world.
Kindness and compassion truly are paramount.
they look to jump on u for any little thing u may say I felt such contempt that is when I knew no contact has to be my new rule with this person decades with no change I have enough problems to take on others especially since I do not dump my problems on others that is the cross I bare and regulate my emotions I take it to God he can handle it he made me good vid
Narcissistic people have all kinds of internal chaos that plays out in many different ways, however, when it comes to the example of "sexual abuse" of a child, I think we're talking about someone better characterized as a child predator - more along the lines of a psychopathic pedophile. This type of abhorrent behavior, in my opinion, is way off the spectrum of narcissism. Although, It may be considered one of their addictions - this one has no real cure... they are 99.9% non-rehabilitative.
I agree! Pedo behavior is in a category of it's own, I think. One would have to be a narcissist at the very least, and more likely a psychopath, to perpetrate those types of acts. I have never heard of a pedo repenting of their behavior, and realizing the evil of what they have done. I don't believe they can be "cured" or "rehabilitated". Once that line is crossed, they have gone past the point of no return.
Do you think that people who have NPD tend to sexualize their own children? I have witnessed real-life examples of this. The pattern that I have seen explains why a partner who is divorcing a narcissist sometimes gets accused of inventing accusations of chld sxual abuse. I have witnessed four examples where the victimized partner tried to get freedom, justice, and protection for themselves and their daughters as they got out of the abusive relationship. The justice system didn’t help them bc there was not enough evidence of SA. In each instance, the victimized spouse had finally faced the fact that the narcissist had been carrying on an abusive s$xual attitude/ behavior toward their daughter. Sadly, no proof, no support, no protection. In one case, an adult daughter spoke openly of the sxual abuse from her dad, but she had been alienated from the mom and so she said the mother’s (unspecified) abuse was worse. What do you think? Have you seen a pattern?
That would be my stepfather😢
@@teresadvorak6145 😪I feel for you.
❤ Gus
Bye all. Thanks.
Hopefully seen you soon ❤🫂
?
@@amandaliverpool3374 ❤❤🫂🫂
@nancytwigg4631 , Thanks for being with us !
Thank you again for the enlightenment dear Dr!
And many thanks to this amazing community.
It's therapy to listen to you and also to read many of the comments below! ❤
A bigggg hugg for you all!
So pleased!
judging by the projections lobbed at me, as a child by one and as an adult by its offspring, it's a LOT of self-loathing! A veritable crap-ton. Quite shocking to know how their unconscious feels about themselves once you realize A) that it was all projection and B) their projections are either what they had projected onto them, or who they actually are...not just how they feel about themselves, but who they ARE. I also remember their criticisms of people other than me and in hindsight, those were also true of them, whether or not they lucked out and correctly "judged" someone else or if it was all just an internal judgment. It's really hard to comprehend how they can spew such nasty accusations at other people, which are either blatantly false (when its someone they do, or should know - but don't) or unknown, because it's someone they don't know well enough to judge and maintain that they themselves have NO ISSUES!!
One even told me: when it's everyone around you, maybe YOU'RE the problem....while they condemned literally everyone around them and talked constantly about other people's supposed issues - and triangulate people against you unbeknownst to you, perhaps to unconsciously create rifts and wedges so people never communicate with each other about them. I honestly think the most important thing to understand them, and to be able to heal, is to understand projection. It's pretty wild, really. and boy does it mess with your head when you're not clued in and still believing you are the problem. You're just a mirror for them, of who they are.
The projection!
I had never thought to think of those as her own.
@@An-mei do it, a full inventory. you'll be shocked. i was projected onto so obviously in 2018, i couldn't not see it. possibly divine intervention. then so many light-bulbs came on, it was like fireworks. mind blown!
🫂🫂
@@rahrahrobbbieee Missed you, hope all is well. 🌹
I keep trying but things are only getting worse here. Love and peace....🌹🌹❤❤🪻.@@An-mei
Thank you 🙏🏽
Hi cuttie Gus !!❤
Woof!
❤🐶@@SurvivingNarcissism
You bring knowledge and comfort to those of us dealing with narcissistic relationships. For years I wondered what I was living with. Now i am trying to break free.
Pamela of SE Oklahoma
I'm pulling for you, Pamela.
Thanks for clarifying “reaction formation “. Never understood that defense.
Thank you very much, Dr Carter. A lot of valuable knowledge in 14 minutes for free. But I think Gus ignored it again,
Well, I go over my notes with Gus beforehand.
They not admitting shit😅
Thanks again Dr. Carter..
Did I do anything wrong? What should I have done? What should I do next?
I finally had to confront my ...covert narcissist... adult daughter.
My wife and I wanted to celebrate our grand daughter's 1st birthday on Sunday the day of her 1 year birthday. But my communal narcissist daughter wanted to celebrate the day prior on Saturday. That is when the LIE begins to unfold...
1) On Thursday, the narcissist ...LIE... is told..."the babies daddy won't be here Sunday"..."His job has him flying out on Sunday". Since, he won't be here, we will celebrate the event on Saturday. "
2) On Friday, My spidy senses tell me something is off about the narcissist's story. So, I present a puzzle to the narcissist and say, "I would prefer to celebrate our grand daughter's birthday on her actual birthday if that is available. I'm okay with the babies daddy not being there".
3) The Narcissist attempts to retell the ...LIE... adding more information and emotion..."He (the babies daddy) won't be here because his job is flying him out at 6PM on Sunday!"
4) I bring accountability to the conversation and I tell her..."that's not what you said yesterday"...So, I tell her..."I FEEL PLAYED"...
5) Narcissist ramps up with emotion to retell the...LIE... and says, "I told you yesterday that he was flying out at 6PM".
6) Now, I ...confront... the narcissist and tell her ..."That is a ...LIE...I was there in the conversation yesterday and you never said he is flying out at the end of the day at 6pm. We can celebrate the birthday anytime between 8am to 4pm."
7) Next, she provides a ...whole new reason ...why we cannot celebrate on Sunday..."I have a church event I want to go to on Sunday and I do not want the birthday celebration to interrupt my church event. Plus, all the drama I have with my son and husband has triggered me not to ask what time he departs."
8) Finally, I put a stop to it all when she failed to show responsibility, self accountability, compassion or empathy for what she is saying and doing to her mother and I so I tell her..."You are a LIER"...
That was 2 months ago and she has not talked with me since. Now she sends me a message through a flying monkey that, "she doesn't feel welcome in my home and the ball is now in my court."
Thank you for your work.
Dr C Merry Christmas and a thank you tons !
Thank you for this. ❤ The explanation of the "why" is so helpful
Unfortunately we encounter Narcs in every aspect of life, even religion. I changed churches a year ago because of a Narc-Pastor who sorely abused me. Such people do not belong in Christian Ministry: -- they are doing more harm than good. Is it possible for a Narc to be HEALED of this awful disorder? I like to think with God all things are possible, but Lord? If you're listening, could you give one of us a Mighty Miracle of healing one of these sick and malevolent people? To give us some hope? Sad thing is a Narc can be a brilliant, highly gifted person like my former Pastor was: - truly a perfect example of a wolf in sheep's clothing, indeed.
A.) I'm guessing you're familiar with the second half of Romans 1. B.) Same goes for 2 Tim. 3. C.) Check out my video, How Religious Narcissists Gaslight You.
Amen brother!
that is why we wonder what did I do wow u explained it perfectly so glad no contact no time for that insanity personality disorder good take Dr C
Hey Dr. My brother seems to have a pattern of admitting he's overbearing but the pattern continues and no true genuine apologies follow. In fact no apologies follow. What does this mean for him?
It means he is a B.S. artist who says what is expedient in the moment. Expect more of the same.
@@SurvivingNarcissismThank you Dr. Les. I appreciate everything you do. I've already decided to basically drop this so called relationship. It never really was one to begin with. I actually feel more empowered and stronger than ever before after several years of learning about this stuff. God bless ya!
Thanks.
You're welcome
Central Time Zone- Nortb America: btw: Sincere Greetings 🫂 and Thoughts 💭 from San Antonio, Texas: USA 🇺🇸: as well have an amazing day, Everyone ( Team Healthy) : BLess
🫂🫂
I’m in San Antonio, too.
My biological brother abused my sister and myself sexually. As an adult he has beaten at the very least the women he has been with. He was responsible for me as a teenager and children's aid would not listen to me that I could not live with him. I was assaulted by his insectuous girlfriends family. I eventually stopped denying and acting like it never happened. He is almost 8 yrs older than me. He convinced the entire bio family, which are abusers that I lied and I was the problem. Needless to say he never took responsibility for his actions and has been enabled all these decades. He's not in my life and none of my bio family are because of their behaviours and lack of ownership.
To me, that is lower than low. You are better off away from him and his supporters. I wish you the best.
It was the clam, peaceful space away from my biological covert Narcissist Mother that has allowed me to do a lot of healing. 45 years later the good Lord is still helping to heal me from her horrifically evil behavior. I'm the only one of 5 siblings who has escaped her tentacles of evil behavior.
But I think the evil energy behind narcissism seems to have some how latched on to my daughter. I think it happened when she was 18 years old. My youngest brother reached out to me after years of no contact. He invited my daughter up to visit him and his family. He gained my trust so, I let her go visit with one condition that she stay away form the rest of my biological family. Which he did... not... honor.
Now, ever since the day she got back and a couple decades later my daughter has not been the same. She returned physically sick and with some sort of animosity against her Mom and Dad. She does not display the same level of covert evil that my bio mom did. None the less, she has proven to be a covert narcissist too.
So far the only way I can explain it to others is I love my mother but I know she will 100% perpetrate destructive "evil" on all within her reach. Now, watching my daughter grow up I can say I love her dearly too! But I know she "CHOSE" her way into what psychology calls a personality disorder...covert narcissism. My wife and I have done some soul searching to see if there was anything we may have done to cause this. We've had open honest conversations with my daughter but nothing has risen to level of causing her animosity towards us.
So far, I'm left with the conclusion...
...there is an evil that some call spiritual darkness that attaches to people through the thoughts we "choose" to dwell on. Regardless if it attaches or is grown through a series of choices... my daughter has it. Some people have a propensity to dwell on good thoughts while others bad thoughts. I can not control the dark thoughts from popping up in my mind but what I can control is... will I...choose... to dwell on it...or change my focused attention to what ever is... good and loving. I believe that if I focus on the good loving thoughts the bad (evil)...will...flea. I 'm aware of the evil I'm just focused good, loving, peaceful healing.
Thank you so much for this, DR Les, You're absolutely beautiful, Peace, love, Respect to you, Gus and everyone, Thank you universe 😃🌹❤💚💙💜💛🌈😍🌷🌝👁🐉🐉😆😘🦄👽☘🎨🐎🐶
This man does not want his grown children to know his very ugly past. His life looks like a book of lies as he keep running into brick walls in relationships he built around by his know it ALL attitude. His kids and family have no clue who he really is.
It’s like watching a awful movie wondering when the bottom will fall out of the bucket. It’s a life!
Life matters! The piles of lies destroys…..yet they never admit who they are.
AWFUL..SMH
WORST THING I'VE **EVER** EXPERIENCE 💯🧐
Dr. Carter thank you for educating the public about this concern. Could be saving lives. Dr. Carter how much is narcissism a learned behavior? If narcissism is for the most part a deep seated learned behavior could it over time become more of a prevelent trait among citizens in a nation where long ago there has been already established authoritarian policies including belief that spanking children is an acceptable way to parent while the death penalty for some crimes is a policy which is necessary to maintain. Resulting in the unexpected result that narcissists are favored when it comes to survival and continuing to gather resources any time there is an extreme in the economic cycles which exists there. Seems to me that any kind of unhealthy climate factors favor the emergence of more; not less; malignant narcissists. For example, more narcissistic teens in only some states within the U.S. exist now who seem to think that they do not need a high school education anymore soon after discovering how much information they can find on the internet.
Are they aware that they loathe themselves?
The pervasiveness of their cover up and False Self would suggest so...but they won't face it, so they project and displace their inner pain.
💯🙏🙌💓🙌🙏💯
🙏
Reptiles not mammals
why cant you have shapoo or conditioner or even themas my spouse put his name on bottom but didnt buy it. I use for coffee sometime tea or soup. lies put hole screen throws cig out window i keep asking why its open all ashes in sink dont flush towelt.I'm alergic to soap why cant clean washer so i have extra wash.longer to do my wwork cloths cant say no i refuse a car tray.I dont eat in my truck.Why cant i say no i dont want it. Im going to school or of i help faimly oh cheating on me with helping family traffic was bad.I work school but hardky cook clean.I'v been really sick dierea over over again.
Absolutely, Dr. C! Go Team Healthy! ❤🕊💯