Why MARRIAGE KILLS SEX: without separation there is no necessity for reunion
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- Опубліковано 10 лют 2025
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The general trend in long-term relationships is for the frequency and intensity of sex to decline as a function of time. Why is this the case? It turns out that sex is an extremely complex behavior: it's not just about pleasure and reproduction. One of its primary functions is to facilitate emotional bonding. This is why sex is typically hot and heavy at the beginning of the courtship process, when no bond as yet exists. Creating a stable and secure relationship -- paradoxically -- eliminates one of the primary functions of sex: it works toward its own obsolesce. This is why space and separation are necessary to keep the passion alive.
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Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.
#psychology #marriage #relationship
The general trend in long-term relationships is for the frequency and intensity of sex to decline as a function of time. Why is this the case? It turns out that sex is an extremely complex behavior: it's not just about pleasure and reproduction. One of its primary functions is to facilitate emotional bonding. This is why sex is typically hot and heavy at the beginning of the courtship process, when no bond as yet exists. Creating a stable and secure relationship -- paradoxically -- eliminates one of the primary functions of sex: it works toward its own obsolesce. This is why space and separation are necessary to keep the passion alive.
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You seemed to be describing what Rollo Tomasse calls “passive dread” the fear of someone leaving or someone else drawing them away.
Sex *can* facilitate emotional bonding. It doesn't need to. It's a shame that religious people how confused so many into believing that sex serves any purpose outside of its general function--pleasure and procreation. Before you go on about the science of chemicals being realized for bonding, we also release those chemicals through other activities---like eating, hiking, sports, and anything pleasurable.
Why is it that [studies show that] this seems to be only one sided, i.e., only women's desire [for sex with their partner] seems to drop? I've seen general conclusions that women's desire drops 50% after 2 years, or that women's desire drops 50% after 10 years, and men's drops only 10%.
My hypothesis is that since women have to screen out men (sperm is abundant and womb space is dear), this disqualifying process does not shut off - after a bit she knows all of her mate's weaknesses.
Have there been any studies confirming or disproving this?
@@williamclayton9566 You have to ask yourself who is conducting the testing and why are they focussed on women in their test groups, and what publication is the research for? Who are the researchers. All people bring their own attitudes and beliefs to their universities, and other institutions with research departments.
Can we question the certainty in right or wrong of monogamy?
"Familiarity breeds contempt"
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder"
There's a reason for sayings like these...
You beat me to it on both accounts, props
@@VicariousLord Lol😁
There are others too...like how we hurt the ones who are closest to us. I was just typing really quickly on my cell with the first post. I didn't really take time to recall all the other similar sayings I've heard over the years.
Husbands pay a very high price for diminishing products over time. Sooner or later, wives tend to “close up shop”, so most husbands suffer through this indefinitely. Once you give her that ring, you also give her power over your whole life and sexual needs. Open your eyes fellas, marriage isn’t it.💯
I've honestly never heard the first one.
How about "Out of sight, out of mind"? Or "When the cat's away, the mice will play"?
My point is that all of these allegedly wise proverbs have another proverb (or several) that is/are completely contradictory.
As some very wise man once said : the secret to a happy marriage is not to be at home too much.
When I was in my 20s I used to say I'd get married if my husband lo
Iived next door.😂
Truck drivers🎉🎉❤
Ha! Well said
It ended my marriage. Too much working outside.
@@marguskiis7711 really?
Experienced divorce lawyer here. In my view and experience, couples who live separately (whether married or not) have better intimacy.
My man ✊🏾
In order to avoid the trap of boredom and complacency, it makes a lot of sense to avoid marriage and co-habitation. Marriage and co-habitation is just asking for trouble because this creates stability and security which then in turn creates boredom, complacency and resentment.
Long term marriage and living in different houses is a thing?
@dahliafiend Yeah it's called Living Apart Together (LAT) It's a trend that's been gaining traction since the last few years
As a woman....I fully support this!
My current girlfriend and I used to have sex every time we saw each other (usually 1-2x per week). Then when we moved in together during covid, it slowly went from 2-3x per week to 1x per week to 1x every two weeks to what was quickly becoming 1x per month and completely lacking any passion on her end. It felt like pity sex and that it was a chore for her. Honestly, by late last year, I was ready to begin casually looking for another girlfriend with how unsatisfied I was becoming.
Early this year, I started going to the office more, going back to my running club in my old neighborhood 2-3x per week, and (just by happenstance) traveling for work one week a month, all of which was helping me work through the idea that my relationship was failing and helping me get back out there. Kind of counterintuitively, she started initiating sex and being more receptive to my advances. I'm not sure if she was actually missing me or if she was worried I was going to bail, but it worked. We're back to about 1x per week with what feels like a much more exciting connection to each other, and I'm happy with our relationship again.
Never let her take you for granted, gentlemen.
This is one thing I'm kind of worried about WFH. Although I don't think you mentioned it, I'm assuming it. Also, you probably started to seem more exciting by both doing more things for yourself and also being less present. You inadvertently lifted your own value that covid took away.
LOL!!! I'm 56 and she is 53 and I'm lucky if we get together once a year!! 😄
I'm going through this right now. And we don't even live together. In fact the last time we slept in the same bed. I made a move on her and she said get away from me for the first time ever. Let's just say things have been spiraling downward these last few weeks.
@@tancreddehauteville764I'm in the same boat, you're not lucky 2 out of 365 days, you're unlucky every other day of the year... or maybe you're just unlucky twice a year...
@@tancreddehauteville764at 53 the factory is closed.
Most men think getting married guarantees them unlimited sex. If only they knew it was the opposite.
As Louis CK mentioned, most men think they’ll have unlimited sex with one woman for the rest of their lives. They must be high. They’ll be lucky to have that. The reality is they’ll have zero sex for the rest of their lives.
It's far better to just have a steady girlfriend that you don't live with. There needs to be room for her to miss you. Plus, the anxiety of not knowing what you're doing when the two of you aren't together. But I'm the type of person who really values my alone time and my privacy. Live with another person, man or woman doesn't work for me.
I don't think men marry for sex - I certainly didn't.
If they think that then they don’t have any married male friends or family members lol
@@jaythenihilist4689 This is what I'm doing. It keeps her on her toes and we have sex regularly.
Once the competition anxiety goes away the other person gets comfortable thinking they have the other one locked down
The problem is women have more power than responsiblity. Men are also no longer able to take the cookies. Dr. Wimp is a simp.
@@Khan-rz8qi
Yep. Cohabitation and relationships in general are similarly problematic. Fortunately, marriage, sex and childbirth rates are at all time lows.
"The game never ends!" (at least it shouldn't)
I’ve seen both men & women stop trying once they got married. It’s pathetic & lazy.
Doesn't work that way for me. Competition is a turn off. If he's interested in straying, I'm the first one to show him the door, and will have little or no desire for him to return.
Intimacy will always dwindle when the husband isn't her first choice and she only married to get security for life. This's what happens when men don't have standards or disregards women's past or family. Pay close to attention to her family, social circle and her dating history it won't be difficult to predict her future behavior.
You think they never change?
People can change but there are also plenty of people who only pretend to change in order to take advantage of others
@@alexs5368too bad it's hard to see those red flags, but then again it's a case of a lot of men or people in general being too naive, immature, or just too unknowledgeable about human nature.
@@53Strat women change with their social setting. It's in their nature. That's why men must be take tough stance and never be a pushover. You wont let a child play with fire or do whatever he wants. Same with women. They want that thing the most they can't have.
@@killshotcodx9446 I have seen the red flags with this girl. I was almost thinking about giving it a chance after she tried to hook me up with her parents and friends in past weekend.
Had sex a few times but I''m cutting it loos. Can't accept her past for the arguments she gave me. Even tho she is doing a 180 right now. Its the way the game goes but I was curious for your opinion. I agree on the past, it predicts the future for a big chunk. It comes from character and you cannot change character. Would be to much investment for me, I enjoy single life too. I'm not ugly;p
You are right, especially with these girls. You cannot let yourself get cuffed by them.
Your channel should be much bigger than it is. But that’s okay-it will get there soon.
500k imminent🎉
Lead in the building
LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAD!!!
(Aspencer071)
you guys should collab
No, incorrect. It's awful advice
I never take my husband for granted. Our sex life is a priority with me. We have out own lives...but love being together....i realize how lucky i am....and so does he. We never let our relarionship fall by the wayside....its been 20 years....and im still head over heels for him......i do whatever he wants in the bedroom.....his happiness is always my main concern....i guess we r lucky!
you are not lucky, you are smart.
Do you have a single sister? 😂
@@platoon1081 👍
This sounds like my husband and myself ❤ there are happy marriages out there
Wow.....that in itself is a source of PEACE for what men desire in their marriages. I applaud you both 👏 👏 👏
My wife has a trauma related to finding out that her father cheated on her beloved mother. She hates her father. When she suspects me having an affair she also shifts the contempt she has for her father onto me. This makes her experience rather intense and unpleasant.
Had the same thing happen to me. Turned out she was lying to me, wanted me to be more secure. I complied and later was dumped.
Why did you marry a woman who hates her father? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
so dump her ass; her trauma isn't your problem
Any woman that hates her father is going to be a poor candidate for a good LTR
Nope. It works other way for most of them. If their father cheated, they will try to find a man just like that. That is why those girls are hard to have a marriage with - you actually can't be good, because they need a bad boy very much. If it worked liek you say, every girl that had trauma would be the best wifes - because they would try to find a good man and would be grateful for that. It does not happen, is it?
One of your better videos. I salute you. This is why a man can never rest. He can never get fat. Never get isolated from other women and interactions.
The problem with this mock affair tactic is that some women will react by getting withdrawn, depressed and insecure instead of becoming more sexually active. So this could start a death spiral for the marriage.
Yep
Isn't a lack of sex a death spiral anyway?
@@CallsignVegayes it is
That smells like the person had not worked on themselves fully, and healed all wounds, before entering said relationship.
Before I did that, I felt like I needed my ex at the time. Such games could throw me off. Now that I've done the healing bit, I want my girlfriend. Not need, i.e. I'm not needy. Any such games may ruffle me a bit, but won't disturb me completely.
Yeah this would not work for me. My wife would not even notice the change.
The solution is to learn to be an independent human being, and not be needy to others..
So the solution is to go against human nature of being social animals and isolating yourself?
Humans are not “independent.” We are a social creature designed for marriage, family, and close community.
Then why get married or even attempt to have friends? As Aristotle observed, a human who is not in need of human companionship is either a god or a beast.
Thanks! This is gold content
After binge watching all your videos, relationships just all seem way too complicated. I think I'll become a Monk.
People are complicated.
Analysis by paralysis. Don't listen to too much of this psychobabble
Get the key message. Internalize it then forget about it.
Honestly buddhism is a wonderful way to experience life, it just takes a lot of effort.
😂 😂 🤣
The good news is you only need to figure out ONE relationship/person.
This was my exact experience. I was brutally honest with my wife. I told my wife, who I was faithful to, that I was becoming more interested in other woman and actively desiring them. I started consistently dressing better, noticing females more when she was with me, and told her I was unsure of the point of marriage since I don't want children. She quickly became an initiator of sex, something she rarely did before, and was also much more receptive to me teasing her and then getting sex later when I initiated on my term.
there is no point to marriage without children. why sign a legal contract?
@@ElTheJonothere is no point to marriage at all anymore. This isn't the 1800s.
@@gadohimself the point of marriage today is the same as it was then: to protect the person who raises the children instead of pursuing their career. This worked out well for my brother who was a house husband and is now going through a divorce. If they had never married he would completely screwed.
Dread game 101
@@GoldenNuggetCardCo Does the Dread Game really work on a wife? What if it backfires and you get castrated in divorce court?
Thanks, I think you are right
As a woman I can say this is soo true.. That's why it is also so important to have your own life and projects and never be 100% available to keep a bit of the mystery alive.
Having your own life is in general important so you have your own character and anything to do outside sex and work...
But if my long term partner was 100% available to me I wouldn't neglect them.
I would rather try to encourage that by giving them more attention
Yes so true! Having a life is so important
@@RoboPutinPresidentinCE cool story
I was pretty much a mystery man and I was dumped for that
Or get multiple wives so that husband is away from one wife and available to other.. it's gives other wives time for self healing.
I absolutely love this advice. The problem is when the thought of your partner being with someone else totally makes you happy... Thats when its the end. Great food for thought...
Thank you! Finally a very cogent, well structured, and honest response about the topic. Because every single time the topic is discussed, you’ll have hoards of people claiming that they have been married for 50 years and their sex life is crazy and they have sex twice a day. That’s ridiculous. It is impossible to keep the attraction alive
So you just explained what Esther Perel has been studying for 30 years in one video AND you gave a solution for it. She always sounded smart and awesome to me but always left me with nothing. I just realized she only presented problems, not solutions, and what you just said tied a lot of thing together for me!! Thank you!
Kiitos!
After I got married, I missed how the relationship was when we were dating. But hard to just keep dating when job requires changes and it becomes long distance. So we took the plunge. I longed for days when my time with him was set aside and not spent doing dishes and laundry. It wasn’t happy for either of us. I think couples should take care of the chores of life independently and reserve together time for something other than work.
I’ve been with my husband for a total of 20 years, but our marriage has never been sexless. Since the beginning of our relationship, we both have been into health and fitness, which I think helps a great deal with having regulated hormones, hence, a stronger libido for both of us. I’ve noticed with my friends who have good nutrition and are physically fit tend to have sex in the bedroom. There of course are other factors to this. My husband is highly motivated and can at times work long hours. So there is that factor of missing him and basically knowing he has other things in his life going on other than his family.
Forgive me if I'm wrong, but it sounds to me like you're proving his point. According to you; your husband is healthy, active, outgoing and motivated.. So isn't it possible, on a subconscious level at least, that the reason you had such a healthy sex-life, was because you understand that you could loose him otherwise?
Long-hours work schedulle is the most dangerous trend for people who cheat...it´s statistically proven that people mostly cheat with co-workers or boss, but specially when they work "long hours"...
@@DarkNaifuI dont think she was disagreeing with his point. She is supporting it.
@@MasculinityUnleashed-q6f Maybe, maybe not. That first half definetly reads like an excuse.
Hello Dark,
Nay, not if they’re emotionally mature, honest, loyal and trustworthy best friends.
Exercise, eating well, being healthy and fit is a natural aphrodisiac.
Cuz everything is running smooth, looks good and you have lots of energy … @ that point sex can become a cardio, strength training,
resistance, stretching workout.
Best of luck out there.
I admire how you break down the psychological mechanics behind the honeymoon phase and explain the process behind why it ends.
I’m watching this happen in real time to my relationship and my girl doesn’t seem to know why it’s happening. This is what I needed to see/hear. Thank you sir. I know what I need to do.
I am always amazed by how much of our psyche is evolved and pre-wired. These patterns of human behaviour are universal and exist in every culture. I think that vast majority of people give far less importance to this and assume...assume without evidence...that these patterns of thought are "socialized".
💯% nailed it. A lot of this stuff just seems to be genetically wired in humans, in the same way different breeds of dog are wired to behave in a particular way. I think humans massively over estimate how special we are. I recently watched a chimpanzee documentary and they pretty much had the same emotions and behaviours as humans.
4 million years of evolution.
Agreed.
So make your partner feel anxious and insecure. Awesome plan!
Yup, his advice towards is quite toxic and manipulative most of the time.
@@Ann_Archieit’s not he’s essentially just telling you to have a life of your own. There’s no bad advice here
Well if uncertainty is what it takes to fix your situation when nothing else works then do it
@@Ann_Archie To YOU, but its applicable and realistic to us
This all seems like a ridiculous game. My level of attraction has never changed but being with a partner who is not into it is killing my drive.
👍👍👍Thanks!
This is a piece of great advice. I myself had a similar problem when I was in the early stages of dating. However, once I started not indulging my girlfriends with everything I do, and just doing me without having to spew every small detail, I noticed a significant change.
It's how people talk to each other and care about each other on a daily basis that kills it or nurtures it....
That's not true. I do most of the house cleaning give her massages almost every day. I'm always positive always engaged and always very attentive and listening. This has the opposite effect. It's almost as if you have to be a bad boy to get what you want.
This mainly based on the current culture of dating and relationships. Due to no one being virgins and having multiple partners, people have built the need for separation.
Well said ✊🏾
Disagree. It's time, biology and people getting bored. My parents have nothing to do with current culture, still the same outcome. It's normal to not have as much sex as you age, it's your body telling you to stop making new children and start focusing on taking care of the ones you have, aka the next generation.
But that is a direct function of his first statement.
Yah provides function and structure by the family he designed.
When people err; then the rot of rebellion seeps in.
@@em0_tion completely wrong. some of the couples who have the most sex are older couples. The young are not having sex anymore, because they are addicted to novelty.
Finding a virgin woman doesn’t guarantee anything. A virgin doesn’t have any perspective and dating experience to know you’re her best option.
There’s a sweet spot where a woman has enough experiences and sex partners like under
I think it’s key not to actually have dirt on you when you take on this tactic! She will look, but she must not find anything if your interest is keeping her… Great Post
Solid content. I'm a couples consellor here and this is solid advice.
What would you recommend to solve this?
No it’s not😂
Thanks
Slept with this girl whom I just found out is in a long term relationship. She never spoke upon his name. My guess is she was seeking arousal or unsatisfied sexually? And has that other guy as a placeholder? This has opened my eyes on the dark side of female nature. Something I feel so ashamed of contributing to (although unknowingly).
Thank you Mr. PsycHacks for your videos. Potentially life saving videos to many.
Don't feel bad, because she's the one who duped you. She kept important information hidden from you so you are not the bad guy.
You are only the bad guy if you continue to have relations with this woman
You had fun, she had fun. End of. Just get on with life.
@@AdviceandAdventures I realized this after but still hearing someone else’s word helps. I appreciate the comment!
@@tancreddehauteville764 Agreed. Thanks for the comment!
@@main_mando I've been in your boat so I completely empathize with you. You're welcome!
Thanks!
In short words build mystery even within marriage. In my opinion you should still harness your primal masculine traits within marriage but there should be a healthy balance of it for example if you don't connect emotionally with your woman you can expect her to leave you or cheat but by using emotional connection as a tool and offering it once in a while in healthy amounts it'll lead to your woman craving you more building sexual tension for a long time. Remember too much of everything is bad but just enough is the sweet spot. And this is just my view I always advice you communicate with your partner to know their feelings but I’ve come to see that mystery is required in most marriages
What a waste of time to “build mystery” bs. Imagine having to be someone different so that your spouse can be excited about being with you. This seems like you’re always on guard and putting effort in pleasing someone so they don’t leave you.
@@veetourWhat? You think attraction is mandatory in pair bonding? You have to put in some level of work to attract a woman. Just like women wear form fitting outfits, put on make up and feign weakness for a man to “save” them. They do it to attract men. Do your part as a man to attract women. If you don’t want to do that then never get married.
@@jerryjessup9192Marriage isn’t supposed to be like every other human relationship. It’s supposed to be different, better
@@yeboscrebo4451 It's supposed to be, but it often isn't
@@jerryjessup9192>:(
Be strong brother
😂haha 😂hahaha 😂
🥁 😂
Hilarious!!!
Oof Repent
She my friend is also keeping it from you.
I feel like this advice will work great if you’re married to an unhealthy woman with psychological issues or you yourself have yet to be resolved issues. And it will work until it doesn’t and one day your partner will leave tired of the constant games. If your are both healthy and mature you won’t need to play games, life is hard enough without them. Ask yourself this: do you want to make love to the love of your life or to a potential cheater?
Statistically speaking, half of women cheat and sex falls off a cliff after commitment. Meanwhile, marriage, sex and childbirth rates are at all time lows.
Then pick someone who will not cheat and who puts a relationship as a priority. And guess what, it starts with changing yourself. You attract people with the same values
@@nikibelous
Women file 80% of divorces. Do you really think a whopping 50% of men simply picked wrong, when their forefathers were of a similar number? All time lows. Everyone thinks they're the exception until the other shoe drops. Men with daughters, for instance, are the most biased towards females. I'm 37 and the women my age are infertile, some having chased me for decades. They're being punished by nature for hypocrisy.
@@forgottenfuryanI would to add I think men have caught on to the “everything is mens fault” narrative and decided to go there own way, at best many men only deal wit women on there terms. What you said above is one of the main reason why marriage is on the way out people don’t want to be honest.
A lot of people are indoctrinated by modern movements, which are mostly misleading and very harming imo. But there are ways to escape the fate of those who have failed marriages. Try to not sleep with a woman for the first half a year or so and look at if your compatible instead. You will be amazed how quickly you will start seeing differences between your values and you will start rejecting all the bad matches (and there will be a lot), you will find the right one eventually! Just work on figuring out your true self and follow your heart ❤
Another brilliantly explained video from the doc. The red pill crowd will know what he is referring to as “dread”. It’s essential to not be perceived as complacent by your partner but as desired by others of the opposite sex. It is competition anxiety basically. There’s no denying it’s unfortunate that these games need to be played, but accepting that life and relationships are a game will force you to not be passive.
Yep. Lesson learned hard by failing at that game.
honestly, if you're going down that route you might as well cash in on the benefits of becoming more sexually attractive to inspire a sex of dread in the first place.
A married man knows he’s been conquered, and even more so, his woman knows he’s been conquered. Being conquered does not make for an attractive man. The only chance for keeping her on her toes is by showing that other woman are sexually attracted to him. And that there’s no doubt in her mind that he could willingly pursue someone else if it came down to it. This is dread in a nutshell.
Life should be one, but relationships after a certain point shouldn't be one.
When you date a man you're attracted to, you already know other women will be attracted to them. I can't imagine dating someone so unattractive that I don't think other women will find him attractive.
My last marriage - the sex never slowed down. It was a constant - but my ex was always suspicious and sadly, insecure. Despite how attractive she was.
In my experience, the most attractive women are often the most insecure. They know that they are primarily sought after for their looks, and they know that beauty fades. Unless they develop a more stable source of self-worth, they remain hypervigilant for any signs that their charm is wearing off.
@@psychacks Yeah this has been my experience as well. So much so that I really do not compliment a beautiful women on her looks because she usually knows and I'm more interested in what her personality is like. I also have always been told I'm very good looking since I was very young and at times it just gets annoying....looks are just that looks.....its really just the genetic lottery.
Sounds like a narcissist. Ask me how I know.
This was my experience as well. My ex wife was very attractive. literally a head turner for both men and women. Initiated as much as I did and the sex was always very good. BUT she was extremely insecure. I was set for life with her she looked good, cooked, cleaned, very traditional, liked the outdoors. But the insecurity was ultimately our down fall. I couldn't smile or nod my head at someone passing by on the sidewalk or acknowledge the cashier.
@@music-jj2pl Yep, was accused at looking at women in restaurants, checking out the waitress, at the grocer, it got to the point I didn't want to go anywhere with her because it would end up in a fight. I finally said, that's it. I'm done. Good sex isn't worth the drama.
Another good tip for men is to praise their woman during sex. Women respond to praise far more than they ever do to criticism, so if a man is especially approving of her while having sex, she'll be more inclined to do it. It sounds stupidly obvious, but a lot of men fall into a trap that they believe she already knows she's sexy, beautiful, etc. but then they build a habit of having sex without much actual praise for the woman during it. It's far more effective for example to say things instead of "this is so hot" tell her "you are so hot". A common complaint from wives or women in long term commitments is that the man gets complacent, pumps a few times, turns over when he's done and falls asleep. A man should really express his gratitude for her and she'll be enthusiastic about taking care of his needs. It's like that same trap where a couple falls out of love because they stop verbally appreciating each other. If there's something you enjoy your woman doing, *tell her often.*
it's good advice to feed her ego if she's got the personality of appreciation, but if she's already deep in the assumption that her sh!t doesn't stink, then feeding her ego is literally telling her you're the lucky one to have her and she's ready to walk. it's a dangerous assumption to believe she's grounded unless shown otherwise.
@@saeedhossain6099 I don't see the benefit in dating a woman like that in the first place. I feel that on the contrary, men being too afraid of over-inflating their woman's ego is where all this obsession with social media comes from in the first place. If she wants that praise, she'll get it from someone, might as well be you. And if I ever have to be afraid of losing a woman because she suddenly has some self-esteem, I'd be asking how I even got in that situation to start with. Women like that are an automatic no-go from me.
Take one red pill, not the whole bottle my friend.
That sound like good advice. Thanks.
@@We_Must_Resist I got it from Hamza's channel. He's got a lot of stuff on self-discipline and relationships. Channel is geared towards younger men and teen boys, but he has some real banger advice even for older guys to tune in for.
@@We_Must_Resistno its not dont do it praise her outside sex but not while doing it,woman love dirty talk and degradation
While there isn't anything wrong with simply making the relationship more playful, this can potentially be destructive advice. There's a plethora of reasons for why people's sex lives change over time and the reasons are not limited to: lack of transparency, communication or effort, a general disconect as you age and change over time, sexual incompatibility over time etc.. I think that leading with this proposition in your relationship (eg. our bond is dwindling due to too much security) can set somebody up for real devastation as they might never be inclined to address the actual problem(s) (that they probably have a hand to play in) and on top of that simulating cheating can straight up ruin your relationship at that point.
Bingo. It's horrible advice. Healthy people wouldn't put up with these kinds of games. You might provoke a temporary panic reaction and get more sex, at the expense of creating insecurity and anxiety in your relationship. You have to figure out WHY you're not having sex together. Sex or lack of sex is a symptom. For example if your partner feels exhausted from doing the lions share of running the home and raising the children she'll begin to resent you or at best attraction will dwindle and she'll just want to sleep at the end of the day. You gotta figure out what's missing that would make her inclined to WANT to sleep with you and then get to work on that. This requires having honest communication on both ends, listening, understanding, and then taking action.
@thestorybehindthat5236, bullshit. Men have to work harder. Household duties are so easy. I do them all the time while working and running a side business. It's women who act like holocaust victims for putting laundry and dishes into machines. She took vows too ya know. It's her duty to keep her own passion alive. She has responsibilities to the marriage too.
Im done with this mentality of the man having to figure out absolutely everything all the time to make the woman contribute baseline levels to the relationship. How many more fucking hoops do we gotta jump through?
I can attest to the accuracy of this premise.
A buddy had a brief affair behind his long-time wife's back. She suspected something was up, and like magic, she started trying a lot harder: she initiated sex, she made more effort to keep a nice house, etc. He said it was like somebody flicked a switch on her.
Another buddy had just started dating a girl, when she asked about getting together the following weekend. He said that he had a date with another girl. When she said WTF, he reminded her that they had had no discussion or agreement that they were exclusive, to which she reluctantly agreed. Two days later, the first girl asks him out for the next weekend and began to pursue him instead of allowing him to be the pursuer. They've been happily married for years.
Dr. Orion is da bomb!
Acting like you're having an affair, especially if you're a man, might compel your wife or gf to actually go out to cheat herself. I've seen it. I've seen men who either intentionally or unintentionally seemed like they were having an affair by being distant get cheated on in turn. It's a delicate balance to strike. You need space to create longing but there also needs communication to keep the other person from seeking intimacy from somewhere else.
Exactly, the woman might think herself "oh, so if he is a cheater, I may as well cheat with the handsome co-worker in the office/ex-boyfriend etc " , it will give her an excuse to do it without feeling guilty at all.
Women feeling guilty about their behavior is such a great joke. Thank you.
I’ve had this happen to me. Girl broke up with me after a few years together when I was stressed and distant, started seeing a mutual coworker, and later told me she thought I was cheating on her?
@@macc1370 She likely had other options if there was no effort to fight for the relationshiop
Well said. Others call them 'dread games' and it sadly makes sense - safety and security bore them.
This advice reminds me of David Schnarch, who basically said that one must be a differentiated self (as per Murray Bowen) in order to keep sex alive during marriage. If you have not achieved an adequate level of differentiation of self, then your partner will lose sexual interest in the relationship.
What does differentiated self mean
Yeah. Makes sense because FOMO is a real thing. It’s a feeling of desire for what you ‘think’ you can’t have. Great vid 🙏
Totally agreed, also quick comment here on my take is that the number of men out there today, let's say married and within the ages of 30 to 50, who are most likely not having regular sex with their partner (wife) and or the sex that they are having is highly likely to be alot less satisfying and fulfilling vs what it was when that husband and wife first started together, I'm sure that number is vastly underported or not very accurate...
Said another way, we just assume and look out and see all of these married men and women and assume that if they check the box that they are in a happy and committed relationship, that those some couples are not to a large extent facing dynamics in the bedroom that are not talked about enough, the amount of confusion and disruption between traditional roles that created sexual desire between husband (masculine) and the wife (feminine) have been so badly contorted and turned upside down that alot of couples don't even realize what the underlying issues is within the bedroom, plus many guys wake up into their 40s having been married in their mid 20s and the sexual relationship and compatibility is very very different vs what it was originally.
as gently as I can say it: A few full stops would help that last paragraph a ton in terms of readability.
Thanks!
When people get comfortable with their partner they forget to be the version of themselves that their partner fell in love with. Yes people change over time and yes your partner ideally is supposed to grow with you however, you cannot fault your partner for falling out of love with you when you become a completely different person than who they’ve chosen to be with. Yes they are supposed to “love you for you” but you are no longer the “you” they fell in love with.
Just like how a man can become comfortable and stop “dating” his woman, a woman can become comfortable by not putting out for her man and keeping up with her looks. If you think it’s okay to leave a man because he isn’t holding up his end of the bargain by stop dating you and providing for you, then you can’t fault him for looking elsewhere when you stop giving him sex and “lose yourself” by not working out and neglecting your physical upkeep.
Solid advice, but it's definitely risky and wouldn't work for everyone. I honestly think that deep down, most people prefer "certain misery over the misery of uncertainty". (Forgot who said that but yeah)
This was perhaps the most thorough and clearly articulated relationship advice I've ever come across.
Your explanation was neither boring or pretentious.
I will listen to this repeatedly at each given opportunity because it's so simplistic that it gets looked right over by most of us during our search for a solution.
Thank you for this . If the internet had tenure , you would be reviewed and classified as Professor and skip Associate Professor altogether.
Thank you for this video and all the great work that you do .
I'm not a man of worldly means so all I offer as support for your work are words of appreciation and sharing these videos via social media.
All of us thank you for what you do.
If you’re suddenly quiet and look far away, the *FIRST* thing she’ll suspect: he’s *_CHEATING_* I just *KNOW IT*
I can honestly say I've been having regular sex, 2-3 times per day, for the last 40 years.
The only thing that reduces that number is when i have someone there with me.
From one Mikey to another Mikey! I laughed my ass of reading your comment!
This made me laugh lmao
😂😂😂
2-3 times a day? wow, how does your bicep look like
@@thevcountdown9824
Dude I look like a hermit crab!
Thanks!
Very interesting. I've read alot of things about Tantic/spiritual sexual practices. One thing that caught my attention was how they recommended the maintenance of monogamous relations. They said that monogamy although helpful to spirtual cultivation of sexual energy, it was still in a sense unnatural. The man must maintain his polarity while the female does which is why we seek out eachother sexually. During sleep in particular is when we are recharged according to our natural energetic state of either masculine or feminine charge. But if you are with the person all the time and you sleep in the same bed night after night, the polarities blend in with eachother and that kills the attraction of polarities. In the west we have this concept that we need to merge with our partner but that is how you kill the romantic aspect of the relationship. So one thing they recommended is sleeping in separate bedrooms. That way the man recharges his masculine polarity without the influence of the womans energy and vice versa. I can see how that is plausible but it also creates a bit of separation and longing for the opposite partner to be sharing the bed together and igniting the need for sexual bonding so the two polarties can mend but only temporarily to facilitate the loving bond.
¡Gracias!
The more I learn about women the less likely I am to get married or enter long term relationship. Love em and leave em thank God for the red pill.
Yeah unfortunately that's what it feels like
This is so true
This was Commen knowledge and passed on from father to son and shared in male spaces, now both are absent and we are blind to rhe way of the world.
Bruh we men literally made woman react the way they do because previous men were brutal and they learned a lot of defense/coping mechanisms. R*pe, abuse, and other shit forced their minds to like those dark triad traits to survive; killed if they fought back or didn't become submissive. Do not blame woman alone but look at us men too. Men literally killed women who are good and loyal because they fight for their lives refusing to be a slave.
I'm not saying to empathize with woman but just play the game and take what you can.
@@IM-bq7ep This was NEVER common knowledge because men never had to deal with this in the past.
This is really interesting! I am really young and fond of the idea of an exciting life. I hate routine and dulness and that’s why I’m focused on building a lifestyle that can be more interesting. I just got married and find myself watching theses videos to be able to prevent my marriage to fall into these patterns. This really gave me confirmation to seak and build an interesting life and spark that mystery into my relationship. Human were not made for a dull life or relationship!
Lavinia: Most people mean by "exciting" some kind of dopamine surge, and most women are trapped between wanting safety and security on one hand or risk taking on the other hand. All risk taking along with pursuing mystery creates a natural dopamine high, but to keep getting the same high, you always need more intensity.
Or you could go with bonding or Oxytocin motivated feelings, but they lead to less sex. This direction does lead to good feelings often of a mellow sort. Oxytocin = babies of course, as bonding with them equals lots of that feeling.
Most young ladies of a very young age go through a party girl phase to answer that early desire for excitement, and they don't get married young. Look for excitement outside your marriage (I don't mean affairs) if easily bored . You could get in shape and go rock climbing or sky diving for shear risk.
Bedankt
Not with my ex girlfriend, she was a sex addict. So what was the issue? oh she just got into alcohol and gambling....and texted guys behind my back. Too good to be true definitely was.
In short she was crazy. Good thing she’s your ex
@@andrewpizzino2514 yeah and it sucks because the crazy ones have the best sex
@@tspice11 oh boy do I know that
@@SkeletalMisunderstanding lol well I did wife her but never moved back into her house then divorced her. I lived with her for 9 months at one time. But no I hear you
A married friend of mine told me upon marriage its "Goodbye free time, sex, money, peace, quiet and freedom" this from a married man.
From another married man going through divorce... This message is approved.
Should’ve picked better :)
It's so important to continue with your own interests and not be bound at the hip every waking minute. Time apart in this way is healthy - even in the home environment.
An unhappily married man. Only the two people in the relationship or marriage can make it wonderful or miserable. It takes two people understanding each other and prioritizing one another's wants and needs on an ongoing basis to create a happy union. If you BOTH don't do that it'll surely swindle.
Dwindle*
Thank you so much for this post.
I've been making a study of the modern state of infidelity within Western culture for about a year. Unfortunately, even after all this time, there were some fundamental questions I haven't been able to answer for myself.
This post of yours, taken together with a couple of other ones also from you, have finally allowed certain pieces to click into place.
I can't thank you enough, not only for the simple nature of the content itself but the remarkably concise and clear way with which you have related it.
Literally, I cannot thank you enough.
The best explanation ever. I love your videos
Brilliant commentary! Never thought of the “play affair” angle but I can see it. I can say that moderating the togetherness works. I’ve always called it “having some air in the marriage”. Always recognized in my 30+ year marriage that it’s critical for me to keep up separate activities with “the boys” (outdoor sports for me), and I encourage her to have girls nights etc. I never track her cell phone and don’t allow her tracking of mine, and we don’t do this thing of “checking in” to know what each other up to every moment. It’s even far more critical in retirement. We have kept the spark alive pretty well. I know that Men are often guilty of relying on work for ersatz friendship and the isolating badly outside of that.
Well when you get into something that gives all the leverage to one party in a partnership, it makes sense said party no longer needs to provide value to nearly the same degree.
this is why wives want marriage, and then the boredom drives them to wanting divorce. marriage causes divorce.
sounds a lot like the government with our taxes
I have been watching you since a year and this is one of the best video you have made Mr. Taraban.
The way you worded it and the analogies and structure of script are like a nail going through head...straight inside
This only works for men. If a man acts like he’s having an affair in engenders feelings of jealousy & desire. If a woman acts like she’s having an affair, it engenders feelings of anger & disgust.
@@mercedesparadiso 1. You missed the point of my comment. I’m speaking in generalities. In general, men find promiscuous women repulsive whereas in general, women find promiscuous men desirable bc they’ve already been preselected by other women.
2. Addressing your non-sequitur, women don’t want to be single. Many women are delusional about their options when they are young and then regret it when they have to face reality in ages 40+
@@mercedesparadiso
So. Who are you here for?
@@mercedesparadisowow I have to know your secret to looking so youthful, was 👀👀 at people’s channels and clicked on yours saw your short skits you look amazing
True
Bro, you are 100% correct.
This is brilliant. If I ever have a wonderful man in my life again, I'm taking this advice.
This message 100% geared towards men.
Men love predictability.
Women hate it.
Women love ambiguity.
Men hate it.
While I agree that maintaining mystery and space is important to keep relationships fresh, I’m not so sure that pretending to be having an affair may yield the wanted results, it’s very possible that if one partner is pretending to have an affair the other partner may just walk away from the relationship altogether. This tactic can work in casual relationships be could reckless in a marriage situation.
Exactly
All of these tactics are for relationships that are not serious.
It’s the opposite of what you should be doing to prove your not to be taken seriously.
True
He didnt say you must pretend to have an affair. He just compared what you could do, to what are you doing while having an affair. He always compares with something, it is his style of giving information.
It only works if the other person wants the marriage to work. Then it's a wakeup call for him/her. If the other person is complacent, such tactics will initiate the demise.
If I thought my partner was cheating that would kill my trust and nice trust is gone, it is very hard to get it back. Trust is EVERYTHING. I don’t know why uncertainty is supposed t be good for relationships.
Because these types of men believe women are childlike who seek anxiety for bonding….
Why? because it keeps them "on their toes" and not becoming complacent. That is, if they care about keeping the other person.
Women say this but in real life they act differently when men play the dread game. The women I’ve dated were much more giving sexually when I started cheating. Women love a man that other women want.
Good topic. What i have learnt as a health professional and a married man is that most people live in a fantasy world. What i mean is that life is a dynamic process. First married people are only 2 if in laws dont interfere. Then you have children if blessed then there is career progress. All these factors affect the intimacy. Some ignore these dynamics which require planning and sacrifice. Intimacy is higher when we have a common vision and appreciate the journey and most importantly the contribution of each of us to the success of the marriage. I am a soccer fan and always refer to the football or soccer games. At half time there is a break and assessment of how the first half went and what to be changed. Unfortunately in other real life aspect people dont plan for half time and assess in other to readjust. MORE EMOTION AND ILLUSION INSTEAD OF REASON PRAGMATISM AND GRATEFULNESS❤❤
When it comes to women or relationship in general, there is only one rule that there are no rules.
Being at home always or not being at home at all is not the deal maker or breaker. The main thing is about bonding. If bonding is good then all other factors vanish.
But in every aspect of life, be it money, sex life, health, fun....always choose balance. Too much or too less of anything will bounce back.
This is definitely hinting at not losing yourself and becoming an appendage of your significant other. Have your own hobbies and me time. Continue to develop yourself in other areas. Don’t forget you.
(Also, this is so much easier to listen to without a bunch of “like” inserted into your script).
I have stopped pursuing sex, after years of trying and doing all the work in my relationship, my spouse has "offered" a couple of times now, I think the reason for this is he wants to control me, I have politely declined and done my own thing, I hope your advice works I'm tired of feeling like a nuisance when I ask, tired of being told I'm beautiful and desirable by other men yet always being the last thing in my husband's mind. I'm not sure how many women watch your channel but but if your husband pursues you and wants you, you're lucky!
Your channel is ‘Priceless’ ! A brilliant logician you ‘are. PERIOD
Marriage creates security and stability. Security and stability creates boredom and complacency. Boredom and complacency creates divorce. Marriage causes divorce. Do not get married, people. Your spouse will not be grateful and will take your money, house and kids in divorce. The juice isn't worth the squeeze. Not your spouse, just your turn.
And an unaccountable judge with a God Complex can pick through the fruits of your marriage, distributing its remains among all parties.
get only married when you both have the same religion to underpin it , I am looking for an african 7 th day adventist 😂
god created man and gave him a companion but being alone is great as well
I had a bad marriage, so I dated my current partner for 5 years before we moved in together. We have separate bedrooms. We spend time with friends separately and have our own interests. We are also intentional about spending time together. So making sure you have stories to tell each other and not spending all of your time together is great. I think pretending you are having an affair could get you dumped rather than bring closeness. However, being able to talk about a fun class you took or hike you went on gives you something fresh to talk about.
I think this mostly work on women. You should have named the title "women get bored easily" some of the best advice I've ever gotten from a guy was when I was 20 years old and he was 22 I also. He told me "You got to make her miss you if you want a happy girl". He said even if it means lying to her faking like you at work more, fake like you fell asleep instead of going to see her, or you do go to see her, don't stay long. Just act like you busy and got stuff to do. And still to this day 15 years later, he does the same stuff he got a roster full of beautiful women and he always tell me "they love me so much because they miss me. And whenever I do decide to come around them, we have a good time. Not always about sex, it could just be good conversations and then I disappear pretending to be busy for a while. They can go on with their life and get a boyfriend but they always come back. He also said by them knowing or thinking you busy, it makes them appreciate whenever you do make time for them and your busy schedule
This is not healthy advice. This is toxic polygamy
My thoughts exactly.
My ex started “acting” like all the behavior described (cold, distant etc…). I confronted her honestly and told her she acts like she’s cheating.
She instantly got irate and immediately exclaimed that if I think that then she “…might as well go out and cheat then.”
Which she did…waaayyyyy too fast for her hookup to NOT have already been ongoing (basically, I was right).
Long story short, Orion really needs to acknowledge that a LOT of information he gives, is indeed, gender specific.
A MAN can play the game this way and call a bluff.
If a WOMAN is “acting” like she’s cheating…
…she already is.
Tired of this game, self love is the best answer
It sucks that you have to make the love of your life miss you
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, or maybe more to the point here, familiarity breeds contempt. When I do have a girl I usually find a way to just spend weekends with her. My place, her place, doesn't matter, as long as we each have our own place and aren't in each others' faces too much.
learned this lesson as a teen. never let a women think she's the only game in town.
you can do things to make her wonder bc her imagination will drive her as her feelings engage her.
Funny story: in summer 2015, i was frustrated with the low frequency of sex in my marriage. I told my wife outright: "if we dont have sex more often, i will go and get it elsewhere".
My wife countered by saying: "okay, we are going to have sex every day!".
I made it to about Thursday before i was saturated and lost interest. Nice play, hun!
With the right partner this may work. With the wrong one, well, it may prompt them to ACTUALLY cheat on you based on the (wrong) suspicion that you've been cheating. So I believe this strategy needs to be executed masterfully and in the right scenario.
I believe that it's best to find out what type of woman you are dealing with sooner rather than later.
Wonderful content. Makes complete sense! I haven't come across any other video like this before.
If I suspected my so was cheating on me or was checked out of the relationship I'd end things. Communicate honestly, share your needs and listen to hers. If you or your partner refuse to make each other's needs a consistent priority it's time to call it.
Distance makes the heart grow fonder. How can I miss you if you never go away?
Solution: never get married, and simply tell her if she doesn’t please you then you will just end the relationship.
Don’t let her move in and live with you.
I agree with your alternative solution. This channel seems to unfortunately be attracting a lot of resentful men, at least if the comments are any indication, whereas I think the dr. is just trying to present unique points of view to help people see sensitive issues differently. I guess that’s always the risk when trying to be more nuanced, most people aren’t going to get it.
💯% nailed it. Marriage and co-habitation is just asking for trouble at this point. Just ask all the guys who lose their money, house and kids on divorce. Or boyfriends currently getting divorced/sued by their girlfriends, e.g. xQc, Israel Adesanya, etc.
U will never have a long term meaningful relationship like this!!
@@sarahra7326i dont see resentment in his comment. its a bit cold, but practical.
@@sarahra7326 Kindly expound on what you mean by resentful. And don't you think you are coming off a bit arrogant? "When you are more nuanced aren't going to get it?"Do you mean the men here are resentful and so miss the nuanced message or that missing the message has made the men here resentful?
Its always good to hear a woman's point of view in these matters because it didn't seem like you provided a point of view, only what the men lack.
@StrongSuccessfulMale has been mentioning for years now that uncertainty is the key to keeping the spark in a relationship and the capacity of a man to walk away whenever his need aren't met or his boundaries are crossed is what keeps uncertainty in the relationship. This is only one of the key notions mentioned in this talk. I do hope you guys have a chat or a podcast sometimes where you bounce ideas and opinions between yourselves! Keep up the good work Dr Orion! I deeply appreciate and respect your content!
Going on 10 years together and the flame still burns just as bright for my wife and I. My recommendation: if you want something peculiar in the bedroom (within reason), don't repress it. Communicate it, and be open to exchanging your wants with theirs. Things will not get old if you can both find the fun in eachother's sexual quirks, so long as you can be creative and provide variations on the theme. You may even hit the jackpot and find someone who's into the same thing.
This is great. There are tons of people who have basic sexual needs and are happy too.
Right there with you bro! Open up the experimental bag and it’s surprising how much closer it makes you two.
My wife flat out refuses to talk about anything sexual
@@smokingcrab2290 was she always like that?
@@smokingcrab2290 That's not good.
I used to think that marriage would bring consistent intimacy, but after 37 years, I’ve realised that’s not always the case. Sex doesn’t come as often as I once thought it would, but honestly, it doesn’t matter much to me anymore. Over time, I’ve come to appreciate the deeper aspects of a relationship, and the lack of intimacy doesn't diminish the connection we have. Life's about finding contentment in the bigger picture, not obsessing over things that aren't as frequent as they once seemed important.
This makes A Lot of sense as women Love men who have options (validated by other women). But I wonder- what about the fact that people s' habits change over time through repetition? Of course in cohabitation scenario it doesn't apply but in any other Yes. Therefore not seeing each other intentionally might backfire to getting used to it for good.
Dr. T is 1000% spot on in this video. Humans really do like to play games, they make us feel alive
That's why I always say...have separate bedrooms. Sleep separately. Give each other space. Create sexual tension by maintaining individuality.
Thanks for the advice Dr Taraban. I'm sure people don't like to hear that. But if they were naive enough to get married in the first place, a quick reality check seems like the least of their problems.
That behavior does not breed mystery and desire, it breeds mistrust and anger and causes more problems
Remember when he said that this might not work for everyone? This is your example.
Brillaint advice. Exactly what you said has worked for me.