I am a trophy child. Thanks for putting a name to what I experienced. I am a overachiever and always try to appear perfect because I think people would not like me if they knew the real imperfect me. I definitely feel overly responsible for other people's emotions and try to please them. I isolate some just because this gets so exhausting and I need to be alone to rest and recharge.
Thank you for sharing your heart; it’s so brave to acknowledge these feelings, and I want you to know that you are deeply valued just as you are-perfectly imperfect.
I was a trophy child except no one focused on me. They only paid attention at all when I was achieving. I agree totally that I haven't known who I am at all or what my needs are.
I’m so sorry you felt unseen except for your achievements-it’s incredibly tough to feel invisible in that way, but your worth isn’t tied to what you accomplish; you are deserving of love and attention simply for being you.
I passed the bar exam and gave them their first grandchild in the same year and it still wasn't enough to gain their love and approval. Nothing will because they're not enough. No contact saved my life.
Yep, quite informative. I was raised to be perfect & serve. Severe depression by high school, always pretending to be ok. I have learned so much in why i kept toxic relationships, people pleasing. Now I'm so wirhdrawn. Finding a healthy balance to relationships is hard. Im always worried about failing and then get overwhelmed or fatigued.
I was my father’s trophy child and my mother’s scapegoat and parentified by both. It took me until my early 60s to start unravelling my history and traits. Until then I was enveloped in a bubble of cognitive dissonance and dissociation. Waking up fills the lungs with icy cold fresh air and is bracing and wonderful as well as painful. I knew it was much better than the alternative! It’s never too late.
I am 50 and have similar origin story. My husband of 15 years left me for a 22 year old. It was the most painful thing I've EVER experienced. I'm in counciling and learning about attachment styles. This is my new beginning. It's hard. It's painful. It's exciting. It explains so much about me and others. I won't say that I completely enjoy this journey but I am grateful for it.
@@nicolapeevor7112Give yourself some grace. It takes time and self compassion. I used to think "self compassion" was ridiculous and selfish. But I now I see how vital it is, and not just for yourself but for those you interact with.
i was a trophy child, and i've found that it leaves me with a kind of ever present feeling like i'm just about to be in trouble, i'm one mistake away from losing it all, i'm only worth anybody's time when i'm performing at a high level, and happy and successful and carefree. it's exhausting and confusing to come out of it to be in real life with people
oh man. I always knew I was a perfectionist but didn’t understand why. my parents were abusive to us and each other, and always stressed about everything like the other cheating and not having enough money. I am always keeping busy with so many hobbies, trying to be perfect at them, staying up late and getting little sleep to feel the gratification of succeeding. Then I go to work and pick up the slack of everyone falling behind. Then I come home and try to be the perfect fiance. I have a very unhealthy relationship with food, always trying to maintain the perfect body. I can’t sit still. I feel like if I relax, I am wasting time. If I am not accomplishing something, I’m a loser. Lately I have slowed down, and I learned to crochet, so that I can relax on the couch and recuperate, but still have something to show for it. You’re the best Dr. Nicole, thank you for teaching me so much about myself.
I am so touched by your openness and self-awareness-you’ve been carrying so much weight, and recognizing these patterns is the first step toward healing. It’s beautiful that you’ve found a way to relax and nurture yourself through crochet, and I hope you can continue to embrace those moments of rest without guilt. You deserve peace and joy, just as much as you deserve to accomplish things. Keep being kind to yourself-you’re doing amazing, even in the moments when you think you’re not.
Your work has helped me so much to overcome and recover from this. I’m my own biggest cheerleader now! I no longer need the approval of others (especially my mother) since realizing that my perfectionism was a trauma response. THANK YOU! ❤
Resting is the hardest thing. I will wear myself out ‘looking busy’ but really just stressed out in a nervous spin that I’m not doing enough. Even when I try to rest-I feel guilty, like I’m lazy. Critism is extremely hard to digest-often because I feel I’m getting it to often or not enough 😹😹 makes no sense.
Growing up as the "Trophy Child" is ruining my life. I was always the 'smart one', the 'high achiever'. Getting perfect grades, getting awards, getting a top degree from a top university etc. It has made me so empty and hollow. I have been existing in a state of paralysis, anxiety and arrested development for the past few years. I have no idea who I am or what to do with my life. My parents are emotionally unsupportive and embarrassed of me. I know I need to step up and just parent myself - what do you enjoy doing? what kind of roles would suit you etc? It's so hard, I've isolated from my friends because I am so embarrassed. I just feel so left behind and childish.
I SO appreciate your post. It is so helpful to me - it's such a useful mirror. So, having struggled from childhood to be "perfect" putting an enormous amount of pressure on yourself to attain the top grades, awards and achievements in a desperate attempt to try to fix and accommodate your parents, you are now putting the same pressure on yourself to fix yourself, so you are "normal". So now even in your journey to heal, you continue to put enormous pressure on yourself, whipping yourself with thoughts like "I need to step up"( and parent myself.) It's the same pressure and shame. Now you are ashamed of not showing the world (your friends and family) that you are a mature, "normal" adult. It's still people pleasing. Can you love and accept yourself exactly as you are right now, just like you'd love a small child for tumbling sometimes when they are learning to walk ? To quote the Holistic Psychologist who wrote above in another comment, "To know you are deeply valued just as you are: an imperfectly perfect human being."
@@susank1646 Wow, my goodness Susan. Please know your thoughtful and well articulated comment has truly touched me. I have read and reread and find myself quite emotional. I feel seen and heard, and recognise the hard truths contained in your response. Thank you for taking the time to write, not just your advice but for helping me to understand myself. Especially, the idea of being a people pleaser. Which honestly, I've never really related to that term but the way you explained it makes sense to me. In my way, I am an extreme people pleaser because I find it so hard to appear less than perfect in my "world". 'Can you love an accept yourself exactly as your are right now?' I wish and I am trying. Thank you.
Growing up with two alcoholic ppl. Always being a good girl ,hiding when the fight. So many bad things , always having to be out of sight. Just being perfect ,following the rules ,never be silly. As a grown woman I'm scared of failure, criticism and am a good care giver. Staying busy is my mantra. Thank you.
Aware since childhood, golden, trophy, parentified, now scapegoat...have faced and worked through it all! On going of course. ❤ Your content is always on point and invaluable. Thank you!
In school, I was good citizen of the year at age 10 , most likely to succeed at 14, 4 year varsity letterman in soccer and basketball in HS. Honor Roll every quarter… and then when i went to a big University, I was totally lost because my performance was truly a performance. Depression and isolation set in along with an eating disorder and risky behavior. I had never learned to understand my own wants needs or preferences . It has been a long journey and my mom and sister still reinforce and resent the person they see as perfect. Well, i am not perfect and actually have felt very broken. It helps me to meet new people with whom i can be a new me who isn’t seen as perfect. It has been a burden and thanks for this video, Nicole❤️✨💫♒️
There seem to be similar reasons for the behavour discussed in "People Pleasing," , "You will do these things if you were ignored growing up" and "How to stop being an anxious, perfectionist". All behaviours appear to be influnced by childhood experiences.
Three steps in the right direction would be: 1. Therapy, which is always a wonderful thing in these situations. 2. Sit down and figure out where in life you’ve been doing things against your will just to please others or keep up appearances. Stop doing them. If it helps, ask yourself: will it matter to anyone that I said no to this in two years? Most of the time it won’t. 3. Figure out one thing that would give you so much joy to do, not for appearances or anyone else but just for you. Something you’ve never done before, that won’t impress but that your heart desires. Make a point of trying it - sign up for the course, join the group, do the thing. Marvel in enjoying it even though you suck at it. The key to the last point may be found in your childhood. What was something you desired as a kid? Wished you could do but wasn’t allowed? Maybe… ride a horse? Try ceramics? Build a robot? Play the drums?
@@FilippaSkog so an example. I always loved Motorcycles as a kid. I have one now, very beautiful and I love riding it. That's my medication and meditation 😍
I’m so moved by your words! It sounds like you’ve just had a profound moment of realization, and I’m so proud of you for embracing it. Now that you know, be gentle with yourself as you explore this new path-you’re not alone, and every step you take toward your authentic self is a beautiful act of courage.
I was the trophy child for my adoptive parents. Didn't find out I was adopted until I was 44 however. I very much relate to all that you mention here but more in a sense of a part of me I've already left behind or am in the process of leaving behind. 'Doing the work' has helped me find my true self and although I sometimes still feel like a newborn deer, I will never stop releasing all that no longer serves me so I can step more into my authentic self. 🙏💖
Your journey is incredibly powerful, and the courage to uncover and release what no longer serves you is truly inspiring-you're not only discovering your true self but also honoring the beautiful process of healing and growth.
I was the trophy child. Constantly expected to be perfect. Honor roll or restriction. Heard things like if you’re not winning you’re losing. Leaving me to feel to this day that I’m not enough in my relationships or work. You were spot on about my lack of ability to hear perfection. I also expect perfection in my relationships& of myself which is why I’m divorced & STILL single.
I watched this, almost in a 3rd person state, emotionless but listening and trying to learn from it… until this part 9:23 … i suddenly balled and that made me realise a lot… and felt a lot of gratitude towards you
Thank you for your vulnerability and willingness to share your experience as you discovered this new awareness. Sending lots of love and gratitude right back to you ❤
thank you very much! This goes far deeper than I have had insight to my own psyche and it nails it! Very relieving to hear the reasons and explanations plus solutions.
Once again I see myself, in all points. Arbetraitor, from 4 to 30's, for my parents just to make them stop fighting. Changing jobs and careers to prove myself, all my woring life. Overachiever Marrying 2 alcoholics..they were my tickets out of hell Perfectionism, procrastinating, difficulty in making decisions for me I've been in therapy, 12 step meetings, self improvement courses, codependent, and fear of authority figures. I'm in my 70s, still in therapy, going to ACA meetings and unsure of what makes me happy Does it ever end in happiness and contentment?
Omg! It's me! Thank you. Always exhausted by "doing" and always needing acknowledgement of that. I joking tell my partner "I'm a good boy, give me pats", like I'm a good dog I guess, needing a pat and a treat. 🙏❤️
@universaltruth2025 Thank you. It really is done tongue in cheek as an acknowledgement of my self-awareness of this behaviour. It allows me to see this and make positive changes through that awareness. I really appreciate your comment. Much love.🙏❤️
This rings true for me! So glad I can put a "name" to it. I was a trophy child, and now I realized I did the same thing to my kids. I would love to see a few videos that would address this. If a parent realizes what they've inadvertently done, how can we help "re-write the script" for our kids? How can we tell them we're sorry (while we're on our own healing journey)?
Omg, literally now i found out that there is a “name” for this…waw! It’s funny how it works…i was struggling with anxiety past few years… and i have noticed that i am only having panic attacks when i am down in my career ..and i have done an internal research lately, and got to the conclusion that my father was always saying “my life is at work!” . And he was always missing from home. Then, he was saying “your profession determines who you are in society! Do you want people to not have respect for you because you are a photographer or something?”. So i went for architecture, but it is way to hard for me to handle even now, thats why i do interior design. But the funny thing is, i go to church lately a lot, to find my answers. And i have come to an answer that : pride makes people get into this trap of perfectionism and actually live for the sake of what people will think and what will you look like in others eyes. And you actually forget how it is to truly live this life without lying to everyone and first of all to yourself. Pride makes people blind and go for things they truly don’t need. Waw! You literally confirmed everything i was thinking lately! Thank you for your knowledge and for sharing 🙏☀️
Thank you for this information. It really helps me understand that there's no such thing as "I point the finger at it, and that's what makes you the way you are." I know it's complex, but untangling the strings feels so good right now. Your videos really help a lot.
This spoke to me..I spent the last twenty years of my life overachieving because I thought that proved I meant something. There are literal years I struggle to remember because I overworked, took on everything and everyones stuff. I ended up with chronic burn out...I have finally in my early fourties after a really bad case of burn out where I was finally able to say enough...I am enough...I am proud of everything I did..but not proud of the cost to my mental and physical body....I am learning to be still like you said..but its hard my mind is already seeking the next goal....I found this shift has been hard even on the people who know me because they are so used to me taking care of everything...I am trying to hold only myself....thx for your videos!!!
Thank you for explaining this in such depth. I finally got to understand the constant need of building achievements and desire for perfection, along with the desire to make every single person happy in the room of myself. Over working should not be celebrated and is nothing to be proud of-I’m currently trying to overcome this thought and the internal conflicts inside of me:)
I was raised the trophy child until I came out as bi/trans, so my mom moved on to prizing my older sister who's a nurse and giving her grandkids she can brag about. I didn't realize how much I was already unlearning these behaviors and thought processes until this video, but I've spent the past few years limiting my contact with the people in my family who demanded I be a trophy and started finding hobbies I was ridiculed for having interest in (still do, but now I don't care). I don't even tell half my family, including my mom, when I accomplish things. I realized they stopped asking anything about my life years ago since I always went out of my way to tell them the highlights to get that approval. My mom still doesn't know I got a promotion almost a year ago because in that time, she's never asked me how my work is--I'm honestly not even sure she knows what I do for work, and I couldn't care less now. The people who know are the people who actually care and are happy for ME, not how it looks for them. Still definitely showing this to my therapist so he can see what I'm relating to, thank you for your insights and putting this into words!
Thank you Nicole. Your videos give me hope that I can fix parts of me I thought were impossible to fix. They give me clarity as to why and how I developed these behavior and thinking patterns. I struggle with imposter syndrome, aways feel like I'm not qualified and people are going to find out. Just being an adult and mother seems like I'm pretending. I have also ALWAYS gravitated toward unhealthy lopsided relationships. I can fix them, I give, give, give, and get nothing in return. Love your content. ❤
Thank you so much, that hurts deeply but at the same time it is a relief to finally put words to this burden I have felt all my life. I feel seen and I hope I will successfully implement these recommandations you gave to heal bit by bit. Thank you again for this channel!
I was a trophy child. My dad was someone who was shut out of going to college and having a successful career. He spent a lifetime in a high stress job that he hated and that wrecked his health. I feel like I was brought into the world so he would have someone to live his unfulfilled dreams for him. As it so happened I was an academic standout. Love and attention from my father were contingent on bringing home straight A's from school, and, later, acceptance to an academic program at a competitive college that would lead to a remunerative STEM career. (I think he might have also accepted something like law or politics, if my interests had leaned that way.) Anything like hobbies or leisure interests that weren't in furtherance of that goal were a waste of time and money. (The one thing I was "allowed" was recreational fiction reading. His thing was police-procedural murder mysteries and mine was science fiction.) I finally hit academic burnout my sophomore year of college and dropped out after my first semester junior year. I never finished my degree. As someone who's "good with computers" I've managed to make a living at that, but have not achieved the dreams of success that any parent might have for their child.
I understand much more what a role is and how we pick them up using our emotions and needs. All we need do is regain our responsibility for the how and why we picked up these roles as the wonderful adaptive children we were. Thank you for fostering these insights... please, please allow a way to give back to the channel appreciation for the insights like this one that has already propelled me forward!
I had an epiphany reading your comment: if we tried to be the vacume cleaner for our family by achieving and succeeding in a desparate attempt in to clear away the family disorder, then our family members figured out that we were open and ready to be a useful garbage can for their negative emotions - their own fear, rage, etc. We allowed it because we never learned that we actually were entitled to have our own boundaries. Hense a strange mix of trophy and escape goat child. Thank you for helping me get more clarity for myself!!💗
Thank you for this video. I kept going back to school for more degrees and more degrees because I felt I had to keep proving myself. There's a song by Linkin Park called The Emptiness Machine that speaks beautifully about the restlessness and the yearning to please someone that can't fill that void
Hmm, this could be why I felt so much shame when I accidentally drove my car into snow that was deeper than it looked and it got stuck. I definitely have some perfectionism issues in other parts of my life too largely due to a lack of trust.
Being forced to a spiritual awakening and directed to fall in love with and be with a man who is a mama’s I’d spend my life cleaning up after for the rest of my life like I was his own mama cause he’s to lazy to walk the garbage can 9 feet away. I remember my mom and I talked about me having a kid and she was like and we will put them in hockey cause *I* wanna see them play. And I said no, they’ll dothe extra curricular activities they want. And she was just silent. I already knew I was a trophy myself but I didn’t have a term to describe it. I had a grandma who was overbearing (it’s a Ukrainian thing I think),- always made to wear dresses even though I wanted to run around and play in the dirt and then I had a mother who wanted to control what I’d achieve meanwhile I was out playing late into the night with no concern for my wellbeing.
The only time my mother paid attention to me was when I was achieving. She ignored me the rest of the time. I learned that love had to be earned. Even though it was never good enough. She’d find something to criticize me about.
I started to feel this way until my brothers passing. He did so much for others and exhausted himself serving his purpose which was a life well lived. I now see our journey in life is service to others such as Jesus example is the key. As exhaustive as it is, it is our life's purpose. Being a trophy child is a natural gift. We just need to take care of ourselves in order to be able to take care of others and not wear ourselves thin to where we lose the joy in it.
I did want to save parents' relationship and, of course, kept failing. My focus outside of myself and scanning others' feelings did take place too, absorbing soo much of my energy. And I was afraid if anyone sees me as I am, they would definitely reject me. Internalized shame also sounds familiar.
After viewing this video, I think I fall into this category. I always feel profound pressure to show up perfect in my emotional responses, and stay perfectly calm, even if the person I'm with is totally losing their mind on me. The dysregulation always hits me hours or even days later, and is the worst pain I've ever experienced.
Wow, this is a very interesting comment. I am extremely calm when people attack me but fall apart later and just recently it's started to strike me that that's not a standard response. Thank you!
How exactly do we donate to the channel. I need a way to show my appreciation for your accuracy a lot of times right where I need it. Perhaps you could install a "Thanks" or "Join" button?
Plz I need a help , I have a question, ...:- if I have anxiety issue can I become a psychologist ? Relationship anxiety! , so what should I do.... Plz answer mam 🙂
I am a trophy child. Thanks for putting a name to what I experienced. I am a overachiever and always try to appear perfect because I think people would not like me if they knew the real imperfect me. I definitely feel overly responsible for other people's emotions and try to please them. I isolate some just because this gets so exhausting and I need to be alone to rest and recharge.
❤
Bingo 🎯🎯🎯🎯.
Thank you for sharing your heart; it’s so brave to acknowledge these feelings, and I want you to know that you are deeply valued just as you are-perfectly imperfect.
@@TheHolisticPsychologist Awe thank you so much, I appreciate the work you do.
@@TheHolisticPsychologist wasn't mine but i felt it into my soul. This is refreshing to hear 👏👏.
I was a trophy child except no one focused on me. They only paid attention at all when I was achieving. I agree totally that I haven't known who I am at all or what my needs are.
I’m so sorry you felt unseen except for your achievements-it’s incredibly tough to feel invisible in that way, but your worth isn’t tied to what you accomplish; you are deserving of love and attention simply for being you.
@TheHolisticPsychologist thank you for responding! I loved your book how to do the work! I'm a psychotherapist and draw on your work regularly.
I passed the bar exam and gave them their first grandchild in the same year and it still wasn't enough to gain their love and approval. Nothing will because they're not enough. No contact saved my life.
Yep, quite informative. I was raised to be perfect & serve. Severe depression by high school, always pretending to be ok. I have learned so much in why i kept toxic relationships, people pleasing. Now I'm so wirhdrawn. Finding a healthy balance to relationships is hard. Im always worried about failing and then get overwhelmed or fatigued.
I was my father’s trophy child and my mother’s scapegoat and parentified by both. It took me until my early 60s to start unravelling my history and traits. Until then I was enveloped in a bubble of cognitive dissonance and dissociation. Waking up fills the lungs with icy cold fresh air and is bracing and wonderful as well as painful. I knew it was much better than the alternative! It’s never too late.
This is my story exactly too. I'm so struggling, I thought i could break the cycle with my kids but it's such a mess
I am 50 and have similar origin story. My husband of 15 years left me for a 22 year old. It was the most painful thing I've EVER experienced. I'm in counciling and learning about attachment styles. This is my new beginning.
It's hard. It's painful. It's exciting. It explains so much about me and others. I won't say that I completely enjoy this journey but I am grateful for it.
@@nicolapeevor7112Give yourself some grace. It takes time and self compassion. I used to think "self compassion" was ridiculous and selfish. But I now I see how vital it is, and not just for yourself but for those you interact with.
@vivy45 I'm so sorry that happened to you, how incredibly painful 😒 . But yes to new beginnings :)
i was a trophy child, and i've found that it leaves me with a kind of ever present feeling like i'm just about to be in trouble, i'm one mistake away from losing it all, i'm only worth anybody's time when i'm performing at a high level, and happy and successful and carefree. it's exhausting and confusing to come out of it to be in real life with people
oh man. I always knew I was a perfectionist but didn’t understand why. my parents were abusive to us and each other, and always stressed about everything like the other cheating and not having enough money. I am always keeping busy with so many hobbies, trying to be perfect at them, staying up late and getting little sleep to feel the gratification of succeeding. Then I go to work and pick up the slack of everyone falling behind. Then I come home and try to be the perfect fiance. I have a very unhealthy relationship with food, always trying to maintain the perfect body. I can’t sit still. I feel like if I relax, I am wasting time. If I am not accomplishing something, I’m a loser. Lately I have slowed down, and I learned to crochet, so that I can relax on the couch and recuperate, but still have something to show for it. You’re the best Dr. Nicole, thank you for teaching me so much about myself.
I am so touched by your openness and self-awareness-you’ve been carrying so much weight, and recognizing these patterns is the first step toward healing. It’s beautiful that you’ve found a way to relax and nurture yourself through crochet, and I hope you can continue to embrace those moments of rest without guilt. You deserve peace and joy, just as much as you deserve to accomplish things. Keep being kind to yourself-you’re doing amazing, even in the moments when you think you’re not.
Your work has helped me so much to overcome and recover from this. I’m my own biggest cheerleader now! I no longer need the approval of others (especially my mother) since realizing that my perfectionism was a trauma response. THANK YOU! ❤
Resting is the hardest thing. I will wear myself out ‘looking busy’ but really just stressed out in a nervous spin that I’m not doing enough. Even when I try to rest-I feel guilty, like I’m lazy. Critism is extremely hard to digest-often because I feel I’m getting it to often or not enough 😹😹 makes no sense.
The guilt of saying no is ten times harder than the act of saying no. I will always struggle not to let the guilt take over.
Thankyou . Being an only child makes it difficult as you're the parentified Scapegoat and Trophy child.
Growing up as the "Trophy Child" is ruining my life. I was always the 'smart one', the 'high achiever'. Getting perfect grades, getting awards, getting a top degree from a top university etc. It has made me so empty and hollow. I have been existing in a state of paralysis, anxiety and arrested development for the past few years. I have no idea who I am or what to do with my life. My parents are emotionally unsupportive and embarrassed of me. I know I need to step up and just parent myself - what do you enjoy doing? what kind of roles would suit you etc? It's so hard, I've isolated from my friends because I am so embarrassed. I just feel so left behind and childish.
I SO appreciate your post. It is so helpful to me - it's such a useful mirror. So, having struggled from childhood to be "perfect" putting an enormous amount of pressure on yourself to attain the top grades, awards and achievements in a desperate attempt to try to fix and accommodate your parents, you are now putting the same pressure on yourself to fix yourself, so you are "normal". So now even in your journey to heal, you continue to put enormous pressure on yourself, whipping yourself with thoughts like "I need to step up"( and parent myself.) It's the same pressure and shame. Now you are ashamed of not showing the world (your friends and family) that you are a mature, "normal" adult. It's still people pleasing. Can you love and accept yourself exactly as you are right now, just like you'd love a small child for tumbling sometimes when they are learning to walk ? To quote the Holistic Psychologist who wrote above in another comment, "To know you are deeply valued just as you are: an imperfectly perfect human being."
@@susank1646 Wow, my goodness Susan. Please know your thoughtful and well articulated comment has truly touched me. I have read and reread and find myself quite emotional. I feel seen and heard, and recognise the hard truths contained in your response. Thank you for taking the time to write, not just your advice but for helping me to understand myself. Especially, the idea of being a people pleaser. Which honestly, I've never really related to that term but the way you explained it makes sense to me. In my way, I am an extreme people pleaser because I find it so hard to appear less than perfect in my "world". 'Can you love an accept yourself exactly as your are right now?' I wish and I am trying. Thank you.
Growing up with two alcoholic ppl. Always being a good girl ,hiding when the fight. So many bad things , always having to be out of sight. Just being perfect ,following the rules ,never be silly. As a grown woman I'm scared of failure, criticism and am a good care giver. Staying busy is my mantra. Thank you.
Aware since childhood, golden, trophy, parentified, now scapegoat...have faced and worked through it all! On going of course. ❤ Your content is always on point and invaluable. Thank you!
In school, I was good citizen of the year at age 10 , most likely to succeed at 14, 4 year varsity letterman in soccer and basketball in HS. Honor Roll every quarter… and then when i went to a big University, I was totally lost because my performance was truly a performance. Depression and isolation set in along with an eating disorder and risky behavior. I had never learned to understand my own wants needs or preferences . It has been a long journey and my mom and sister still reinforce and resent the person they see as perfect. Well, i am not perfect and actually have felt very broken. It helps me to meet new people with whom i can be a new me who isn’t seen as perfect. It has been a burden and thanks for this video, Nicole❤️✨💫♒️
There seem to be similar reasons for the behavour discussed in "People Pleasing," , "You will do these things if you were ignored growing up" and "How to stop being an anxious, perfectionist". All behaviours appear to be influnced by childhood experiences.
OH. EMM. GEE. I didn't know, but THIS IS IT. I'm crying. This is me. The world has just opened up underneath my feet. I can't un-know this. Now what?
Work on yourself
Three steps in the right direction would be:
1. Therapy, which is always a wonderful thing in these situations.
2. Sit down and figure out where in life you’ve been doing things against your will just to please others or keep up appearances. Stop doing them. If it helps, ask yourself: will it matter to anyone that I said no to this in two years? Most of the time it won’t.
3. Figure out one thing that would give you so much joy to do, not for appearances or anyone else but just for you. Something you’ve never done before, that won’t impress but that your heart desires. Make a point of trying it - sign up for the course, join the group, do the thing. Marvel in enjoying it even though you suck at it.
The key to the last point may be found in your childhood. What was something you desired as a kid? Wished you could do but wasn’t allowed? Maybe… ride a horse? Try ceramics? Build a robot? Play the drums?
@@FilippaSkog so an example. I always loved Motorcycles as a kid. I have one now, very beautiful and I love riding it. That's my medication and meditation 😍
@@Sabadiverthe WORST thing you can say to a perfectionist!
I’m so moved by your words! It sounds like you’ve just had a profound moment of realization, and I’m so proud of you for embracing it. Now that you know, be gentle with yourself as you explore this new path-you’re not alone, and every step you take toward your authentic self is a beautiful act of courage.
I was the trophy child for my adoptive parents. Didn't find out I was adopted until I was 44 however. I very much relate to all that you mention here but more in a sense of a part of me I've already left behind or am in the process of leaving behind. 'Doing the work' has helped me find my true self and although I sometimes still feel like a newborn deer, I will never stop releasing all that no longer serves me so I can step more into my authentic self. 🙏💖
Your journey is incredibly powerful, and the courage to uncover and release what no longer serves you is truly inspiring-you're not only discovering your true self but also honoring the beautiful process of healing and growth.
Man this one hit home … I’m SO TIRED
Sending you a lot of love❤
Return home... to who you actually are. Wow. Thank you for this!
Thank you for sharing your resonance and for being here ❤
I was the trophy child. Constantly expected to be perfect. Honor roll or restriction. Heard things like if you’re not winning you’re losing. Leaving me to feel to this day that I’m not enough in my relationships or work. You were spot on about my lack of ability to hear perfection. I also expect perfection in my relationships& of myself which is why I’m divorced & STILL single.
I watched this, almost in a 3rd person state, emotionless but listening and trying to learn from it… until this part 9:23 … i suddenly balled and that made me realise a lot… and felt a lot of gratitude towards you
Thank you for your vulnerability and willingness to share your experience as you discovered this new awareness. Sending lots of love and gratitude right back to you ❤
Thank you for creating a high quality content which has no bullshit in it and is on point! ❤ This was amazing and helped me introspect within myself.
So grateful this video could be of support for you. ❤
thank you very much! This goes far deeper than I have had insight to my own psyche and it nails it! Very relieving to hear the reasons and explanations plus solutions.
Once again I see myself, in all points. Arbetraitor, from 4 to 30's, for my parents just to make them stop fighting.
Changing jobs and careers to prove myself, all my woring life. Overachiever
Marrying 2 alcoholics..they were my tickets out of hell
Perfectionism, procrastinating, difficulty in making decisions for me
I've been in therapy, 12 step meetings, self improvement courses, codependent, and fear of authority figures.
I'm in my 70s, still in therapy, going to ACA meetings and unsure of what makes me happy
Does it ever end in happiness and contentment?
My godness! I can't believe I finally have a name for what I've been experiencing through my all childhood😮 thank you, you really help me🙏❤
Grateful this was supportive for you!
Omg! It's me! Thank you. Always exhausted by "doing" and always needing acknowledgement of that. I joking tell my partner "I'm a good boy, give me pats", like I'm a good dog I guess, needing a pat and a treat. 🙏❤️
Even if it's a joke, I would stop saying that.
@universaltruth2025
Thank you. It really is done tongue in cheek as an acknowledgement of my self-awareness of this behaviour. It allows me to see this and make positive changes through that awareness. I really appreciate your comment. Much love.🙏❤️
This rings true for me! So glad I can put a "name" to it. I was a trophy child, and now I realized I did the same thing to my kids. I would love to see a few videos that would address this. If a parent realizes what they've inadvertently done, how can we help "re-write the script" for our kids? How can we tell them we're sorry (while we're on our own healing journey)?
Omg, literally now i found out that there is a “name” for this…waw! It’s funny how it works…i was struggling with anxiety past few years… and i have noticed that i am only having panic attacks when i am down in my career ..and i have done an internal research lately, and got to the conclusion that my father was always saying “my life is at work!” . And he was always missing from home. Then, he was saying “your profession determines who you are in society! Do you want people to not have respect for you because you are a photographer or something?”. So i went for architecture, but it is way to hard for me to handle even now, thats why i do interior design. But the funny thing is, i go to church lately a lot, to find my answers. And i have come to an answer that : pride makes people get into this trap of perfectionism and actually live for the sake of what people will think and what will you look like in others eyes. And you actually forget how it is to truly live this life without lying to everyone and first of all to yourself. Pride makes people blind and go for things they truly don’t need. Waw! You literally confirmed everything i was thinking lately! Thank you for your knowledge and for sharing 🙏☀️
Thank you for this information. It really helps me understand that there's no such thing as "I point the finger at it, and that's what makes you the way you are." I know it's complex, but untangling the strings feels so good right now. Your videos really help a lot.
Much appreciation Dr. Lepera 🙏🏽🤍
This spoke to me..I spent the last twenty years of my life overachieving because I thought that proved I meant something. There are literal years I struggle to remember because I overworked, took on everything and everyones stuff. I ended up with chronic burn out...I have finally in my early fourties after a really bad case of burn out where I was finally able to say enough...I am enough...I am proud of everything I did..but not proud of the cost to my mental and physical body....I am learning to be still like you said..but its hard my mind is already seeking the next goal....I found this shift has been hard even on the people who know me because they are so used to me taking care of everything...I am trying to hold only myself....thx for your videos!!!
Thank you for explaining this in such depth. I finally got to understand the constant need of building achievements and desire for perfection, along with the desire to make every single person happy in the room of myself. Over working should not be celebrated and is nothing to be proud of-I’m currently trying to overcome this thought and the internal conflicts inside of me:)
I was raised the trophy child until I came out as bi/trans, so my mom moved on to prizing my older sister who's a nurse and giving her grandkids she can brag about. I didn't realize how much I was already unlearning these behaviors and thought processes until this video, but I've spent the past few years limiting my contact with the people in my family who demanded I be a trophy and started finding hobbies I was ridiculed for having interest in (still do, but now I don't care). I don't even tell half my family, including my mom, when I accomplish things. I realized they stopped asking anything about my life years ago since I always went out of my way to tell them the highlights to get that approval. My mom still doesn't know I got a promotion almost a year ago because in that time, she's never asked me how my work is--I'm honestly not even sure she knows what I do for work, and I couldn't care less now. The people who know are the people who actually care and are happy for ME, not how it looks for them. Still definitely showing this to my therapist so he can see what I'm relating to, thank you for your insights and putting this into words!
Thank you Nicole. Your videos give me hope that I can fix parts of me I thought were impossible to fix. They give me clarity as to why and how I developed these behavior and thinking patterns. I struggle with imposter syndrome, aways feel like I'm not qualified and people are going to find out. Just being an adult and mother seems like I'm pretending. I have also ALWAYS gravitated toward unhealthy lopsided relationships. I can fix them, I give, give, give, and get nothing in return. Love your content. ❤
Thank you so much, that hurts deeply but at the same time it is a relief to finally put words to this burden I have felt all my life. I feel seen and I hope I will successfully implement these recommandations you gave to heal bit by bit. Thank you again for this channel!
I was a trophy child. My dad was someone who was shut out of going to college and having a successful career. He spent a lifetime in a high stress job that he hated and that wrecked his health. I feel like I was brought into the world so he would have someone to live his unfulfilled dreams for him. As it so happened I was an academic standout. Love and attention from my father were contingent on bringing home straight A's from school, and, later, acceptance to an academic program at a competitive college that would lead to a remunerative STEM career. (I think he might have also accepted something like law or politics, if my interests had leaned that way.) Anything like hobbies or leisure interests that weren't in furtherance of that goal were a waste of time and money. (The one thing I was "allowed" was recreational fiction reading. His thing was police-procedural murder mysteries and mine was science fiction.) I finally hit academic burnout my sophomore year of college and dropped out after my first semester junior year. I never finished my degree. As someone who's "good with computers" I've managed to make a living at that, but have not achieved the dreams of success that any parent might have for their child.
Parents possessive dreams = a child's nightmare.
Great that you dropped out. You would have wrecked yourself like your dad. Same, same, but different.
Motorbikes is a passion for me, follow the desires that work for you!
I understand much more what a role is and how we pick them up using our emotions and needs. All we need do is regain our responsibility for the how and why we picked up these roles as the wonderful adaptive children we were. Thank you for fostering these insights... please, please allow a way to give back to the channel appreciation for the insights like this one that has already propelled me forward!
This helps explain my lifelong hyper vigilance and tendency to self-loathe if I disappoint someone who I have a relationship with. 🤯
Wow… so informative
I burnout and turn to heavy substance use to cope
Thank you for your videos 🙏🏼❤️
Resonates on so many levels! Thank you! ❤️
So grateful you're resonating with this video. Thank YOU for being here ❤
I was a strange mix of trophy and escape goat child someone to just dump all the 💩 on
I had an epiphany reading your comment: if we tried to be the vacume cleaner for our family by achieving and succeeding in a desparate attempt in to clear away the family disorder, then our family members figured out that we were open and ready to be a useful garbage can for their negative emotions - their own fear, rage, etc. We allowed it because we never learned that we actually were entitled to have our own boundaries. Hense a strange mix of trophy and escape goat child. Thank you for helping me get more clarity for myself!!💗
@ you are welcome. 🙏
Very clear, concise and easy to understand. Thank you for posting your valuable insight.
Thank you for being here❤
You described my sister and my dad perfectly (I was scapegoat).
Thanks for seeing it. Neither role is appropriate. There should be no roles for kids to play. They should just play and learn to live life.
Thank you for this insightful video dear Nicole 🙏💖
By just reading your notes on the screen I see that this is (was) me! I am recovering from this! 💪🙏😅
Thank you for identifying this type of relationship.❤
Thank you for this video. I kept going back to school for more degrees and more degrees because I felt I had to keep proving myself. There's a song by Linkin Park called The Emptiness Machine that speaks beautifully about the restlessness and the yearning to please someone that can't fill that void
Such an amazing yet succint video! Thank you so much ❤
Hmm, this could be why I felt so much shame when I accidentally drove my car into snow that was deeper than it looked and it got stuck.
I definitely have some perfectionism issues in other parts of my life too largely due to a lack of trust.
Being forced to a spiritual awakening and directed to fall in love with and be with a man who is a mama’s I’d spend my life cleaning up after for the rest of my life like I was his own mama cause he’s to lazy to walk the garbage can 9 feet away.
I remember my mom and I talked about me having a kid and she was like and we will put them in hockey cause *I* wanna see them play. And I said no, they’ll dothe extra curricular activities they want. And she was just silent.
I already knew I was a trophy myself but I didn’t have a term to describe it.
I had a grandma who was overbearing (it’s a Ukrainian thing I think),- always made to wear dresses even though I wanted to run around and play in the dirt and then I had a mother who wanted to control what I’d achieve meanwhile I was out playing late into the night with no concern for my wellbeing.
Thank you so much for this video and your comforting words❤
So grateful this video was comforting for you. Thank you for being here and sharing.
You are an angel In Disguise
Aw, thank you for your sweet words. ❤
The only time my mother paid attention to me was when I was achieving. She ignored me the rest of the time. I learned that love had to be earned. Even though it was never good enough. She’d find something to criticize me about.
I started to feel this way until my brothers passing. He did so much for others and exhausted himself serving his purpose which was a life well lived. I now see our journey in life is service to others such as Jesus example is the key. As exhaustive as it is, it is our life's purpose. Being a trophy child is a natural gift. We just need to take care of ourselves in order to be able to take care of others and not wear ourselves thin to where we lose the joy in it.
I did want to save parents' relationship and, of course, kept failing. My focus outside of myself and scanning others' feelings did take place too, absorbing soo much of my energy. And I was afraid if anyone sees me as I am, they would definitely reject me. Internalized shame also sounds familiar.
Can we be a mix of personified daughter and trophy child?
Gracias❤️
You're welcome!
After viewing this video, I think I fall into this category. I always feel profound pressure to show up perfect in my emotional responses, and stay perfectly calm, even if the person I'm with is totally losing their mind on me. The dysregulation always hits me hours or even days later, and is the worst pain I've ever experienced.
Thank you for sharing this powerful awareness you've discovered for yourself.
Wow, this is a very interesting comment. I am extremely calm when people attack me but fall apart later and just recently it's started to strike me that that's not a standard response. Thank you!
How exactly do we donate to the channel. I need a way to show my appreciation for your accuracy a lot of times right where I need it. Perhaps you could install a "Thanks" or "Join" button?
What do we do after the relationship inventory? Im still unclear on the point of those questions ….
Plz I need a help , I have a question, ...:- if I have anxiety issue can I become a psychologist ? Relationship anxiety! , so what should I do.... Plz answer mam 🙂
❤
❤️
❤
❤🫂🩷
❤ Sending love
oof