There is no closure with abusive, toxic people. Trusting them is always dangerous, and their “apologies” are just more manipulation. It’s taken me years to learn this about a family member. I am finally able to resist his appeals to my compassion. They are only ways to reel me in, so he can torture me more, and have more material for the smear campaign to which he’s devoted his entire adult life. He is out of my life for good, now. I wish this hadn’t taken me so long to learn.
You sound like a loser, sorry to say. You sound overjoyed that a family member is “begging” for your love that you get to deny. You’re real powerful innit?
Professor Sam Vakin, the first person to describe me ever. This is why forgiveness and no contact which seem to be fighting actions but so important, and is so hard to do when you have siblings abused in the same manner by the same abuser who have taken the role as narcissistic supply. No wonder I have fantasies about moving to the other side of the world and changing my phone number. I'm trying to figure out how to get a new identity.
I remember the unbearable shame I felt doing these things to stay in contact with my abuser. In hindsight I don’t even think I wanted closure , just an excuse to still be in contact. I was only fooling myself. When the pain becomes excruciating and you just want to feel well again you will stop looking for closure, apologies, validation. Just save yourself. There’s so much beauty on the healing side. No contact at all is the only way.
i went no contact with my narcissistic brother. Our mutual friend of 30 years died a few days ago tragically at 45 years old. i have my brother blocked on all platforms and he found an old youtube comment of mine and posted a comment to me saying our friend died and we need to talk. I went grey rock and replied yeah i know, that sucks he replied i miss you bro i replied I miss you too bro thats all... i am maintaining my distance for my own well being and keeping him blocked on all platforms.
Thank you Professor. 6 months no contact. He's blocked everywhere. Yes he has tried to Hoover and was met with nothingness. He's just a shadow now .This hasn't been easy , the ruminating is crushing. It's a complete turnaround in lifestyle and personality if I'm honest.
I am in this space right now. Trying to maintain permanent no contact. It's difficult! He always comes back every 23 days like clockwork even though he's blocked. He finds ways. And I'm guilty of going back as well. This time, I must resist. But you are correct--I am so tempted because I mourn and grieve those good times and crave contact
There is wide gap between heaven and hell. Narcissists promote hell and long for a drop of your heaven, your compassion, your heart.. so they can pull you into hell. May the Holy Spirit be with you on this journey, just ask for it.
@natlee5879 We have remained no contact. It's hard! You feel the time slipping away and the panic to reach out strikes. I just purchased the hardcover and ebook called _This is me Letting You Go_ by Heidi Priebe Such a tear provoking, well written book. I recommend!
@Jakilyn well done ! It is soo hard. I'm feeling exactly the same urge to reach out. We must have been through this cycle over 20 times... it will NEVER get better. I'm only 1week in, but taking it day by day. I have to keep reminding myself I am just an object to him and the "good" times were all part of the abuse. Thanks for the recommendation 🙂
It’s been 2 years and 2 1/2 months NO Contact! I have no idea if he’s still alive. Learning how to take care and love myself. Truth=Love. Love will win. eventually.
So true. I'm angry with myself even for writing diatribes to his flying monkeys, which I have zero intentions of ever sending them. Expressing those thoughts feels better in the moment. But then I realise I have given them even more time out of my existence.
Yes sir ...its totally truth ....I think beter change all past living place and go to the new environment ....with out loneliness ....with beautiful people ....the place able to genarate our value again ....
Vengeance is possible if we are reasonably astute pupils and have developed a heroic tolerance for a certain type of fawning short-sightedness, especially if the abuser is particularly vain and overestimates the lengths to which his coterie is willing to go for him. But closure? Never. The abuser has not the inclination nor the ability to give back what he took, nor even to discern clearly what it is or why you want it; he does not create, preserve or restore-only destroys.
I live with the abuser in one house keeping no-contact for a year. I know it’s weird 😂 but I don’t want to lose my property because of this mentally disordered creature who is not actually a human. I see “it” every day but “”it” is like a ghost whom I just ignore. Police, lawyer, social worker, video cameras etc. - I protected myself as much as possible to be able to stay in the house with a ghost.
So as long as it keeps making plans and entertaining you see it as a real human being… I wrote the same work on business vs. regular jobs if you want to assert your indomitability
Dear property "holder", " get away!" It's not worth the paper if you have to contend with a ghost hanging around. Or do you enjoy watching ghosts? Although the continuing thoughts will follow you for the rest of your life, best to burn the stinking trash and seek clear water. Living freely has life's pains, but directing freedom for your own innerpeace of thought is upmost. Life on earth is too short for ruminating with ghosts.
Please contrast the self-preservation act of going no contact or merely going grey rock, with the so-called sin of ghosting someone, a fault attributed to complex trauma survivors.
No, because narcs are everywhere and you will undoubtedly encounter another narc, so studying the subject is vital. And you can help others with the knowledge.
This just happened to me. He got me to break a 6 month no contact, love bombed me for a couple days, and the switch flipped again. Is it because he wants to discard me again?
@@beverlycunningham6874 I think the best answer I can give you is “hope” I definitely don’t feel like I did 6 months ago and I was again assured what I’ve been learning from Sam. I always say my brain understands but my heart doesn’t want to and it’s an everyday struggle.
Yes. The same thing happened to me just a few days ago. He love bombed the hell out of me, then we made plans to get back together, slowly, pledging eternal love (omg it makes me sick thinking how I got sucked in AGAIN), then he abruptly cut me off. My world crashed again. I hit myself over the head for being so stupid... From what I've learned from Prof. Vaknin, the narcissist was scared of the love I was offering and of becoming vulnerable, so had to retain control by discarding me. AGAIN.
is conjuring up a fantasy to be able to maintain no contact a form of self supply? if so what advice could you give a person who has become too good at it, to the point of becoming somewhat indifferent to the rest of the world to snap out of it?
There is no closure with abusive, toxic people. Trusting them is always dangerous, and their “apologies” are just more manipulation. It’s taken me years to learn this about a family member. I am finally able to resist his appeals to my compassion. They are only ways to reel me in, so he can torture me more, and have more material for the smear campaign to which he’s devoted his entire adult life. He is out of my life for good, now. I wish this hadn’t taken me so long to learn.
What is this comment supposed to mean?
Duuh! to you to.
You sound like a narcissistic abuser.
Get lost
You sound like a loser, sorry to say.
You sound overjoyed that a family member is “begging” for your love that you get to deny. You’re real powerful innit?
Professor Sam Vakin, the first person to describe me ever. This is why forgiveness and no contact which seem to be fighting actions but so important, and is so hard to do when you have siblings abused in the same manner by the same abuser who have taken the role as narcissistic supply. No wonder I have fantasies about moving to the other side of the world and changing my phone number. I'm trying to figure out how to get a new identity.
I remember the unbearable shame I felt doing these things to stay in contact with my abuser. In hindsight I don’t even think I wanted closure , just an excuse to still be in contact. I was only fooling myself. When the pain becomes excruciating and you just want to feel well again you will stop looking for closure, apologies, validation. Just save yourself. There’s so much beauty on the healing side. No contact at all is the only way.
i went no contact with my narcissistic brother. Our mutual friend of 30 years died a few days ago tragically at 45 years old. i have my brother blocked on all platforms and he found an old youtube comment of mine and posted a comment to me saying our friend died and we need to talk. I went grey rock and replied yeah i know, that sucks
he replied i miss you bro
i replied I miss you too bro
thats all... i am maintaining my distance for my own well being and keeping him blocked on all platforms.
I also have a narcissistic brother. He tortured me my entire life. Would be interesting to share experiences.
Thank you Professor.
6 months no contact. He's blocked everywhere. Yes he has tried to Hoover and was met with nothingness. He's just a shadow now .This hasn't been easy , the ruminating is crushing. It's a complete turnaround in lifestyle and personality if I'm honest.
Hands down, no contact is the best advice to follow.
I am in this space right now. Trying to maintain permanent no contact. It's difficult! He always comes back every 23 days like clockwork even though he's blocked. He finds ways. And I'm guilty of going back as well. This time, I must resist. But you are correct--I am so tempted because I mourn and grieve those good times and crave contact
There is wide gap between heaven and hell. Narcissists promote hell and long for a drop of your heaven, your compassion, your heart.. so they can pull you into hell. May the Holy Spirit be with you on this journey, just ask for it.
How is no contact going? I'm in the process too, I hope for the last time...
@natlee5879 We have remained no contact. It's hard! You feel the time slipping away and the panic to reach out strikes. I just purchased the hardcover and ebook called _This is me Letting You Go_ by Heidi Priebe
Such a tear provoking, well written book. I recommend!
@Jakilyn well done ! It is soo hard. I'm feeling exactly the same urge to reach out. We must have been through this cycle over 20 times... it will NEVER get better. I'm only 1week in, but taking it day by day. I have to keep reminding myself I am just an object to him and the "good" times were all part of the abuse. Thanks for the recommendation 🙂
You are spot on with this presentation. I have been doing some of these very things you mentioned.
It’s been 2 years and 2 1/2 months NO Contact! I have no idea if he’s still alive. Learning how to take care and love myself. Truth=Love. Love will win. eventually.
Sweet dreams are made of this everybody is looking for something.. some of them wants to use you, some of them want to get used by you... 🎵
So true. I'm angry with myself even for writing diatribes to his flying monkeys, which I have zero intentions of ever sending them. Expressing those thoughts feels better in the moment. But then I realise I have given them even more time out of my existence.
Forgive yourself and use that emotion as leverage for permanent no contact
Yep. Self love. An alien concept after years of abuse
8 months no contact here . Yes i celebrate every milestone
Thank you Dear Sam Vaknin for the helpful knowledge ❤
Thank you very much Sam. Very helpful
Hard to do when she uses the children as Bait
Yup.
Willie Nillie hehehe I loved it! 😂
Yes sir ...its totally truth ....I think beter change all past living place and go to the new environment ....with out loneliness ....with beautiful people ....the place able to genarate our value again ....
I love the ending 👏
Interesting! What would you suggest somebody that’s doing it, to deter from contacting the abuser (specially if this is happening on his/her mind)?
Vengeance is possible if we are reasonably astute pupils and have developed a heroic tolerance for a certain type of fawning short-sightedness, especially if the abuser is particularly vain and overestimates the lengths to which his coterie is willing to go for him. But closure? Never. The abuser has not the inclination nor the ability to give back what he took, nor even to discern clearly what it is or why you want it; he does not create, preserve or restore-only destroys.
I live with the abuser in one house keeping no-contact for a year. I know it’s weird 😂 but
I don’t want to lose my property because of this mentally disordered creature who is not actually a human.
I see “it” every day but “”it” is like a ghost whom I just ignore.
Police, lawyer, social worker, video cameras etc. - I protected myself as much as possible to be able to stay in the house with a ghost.
So as long as it keeps making plans and entertaining you see it as a real human being… I wrote the same work on business vs. regular jobs if you want to assert your indomitability
Dear property "holder", " get away!" It's not worth the paper if you have to contend with a ghost hanging around. Or do you enjoy watching ghosts? Although the continuing thoughts will follow you for the rest of your life, best to burn the stinking trash and seek clear water. Living freely has life's pains, but directing freedom for your own innerpeace of thought is upmost. Life on earth is too short for ruminating with ghosts.
Love u Sam❤
Thank you.
Please contrast the self-preservation act of going no contact or merely going grey rock,
with the so-called sin of ghosting someone, a fault attributed to complex trauma survivors.
Impossible situation
Are we also breaking the no-contact rules when we read/learn about narcissism, such as watching this video?
No, because narcs are everywhere and you will undoubtedly encounter another narc, so studying the subject is vital. And you can help others with the knowledge.
All good and well, but it is extremely difficult to manage when your abuser is the mother of your only child.
So would the flip side also be true? A narcs smear campaign/litigation after smthg approaching mortification actually=a form of hoovering? Revoohing?
Yes.
This just happened to me. He got me to break a 6 month no contact, love bombed me for a couple days, and the switch flipped again. Is it because he wants to discard me again?
@@beverlycunningham6874 I think the best answer I can give you is “hope” I definitely don’t feel like I did 6 months ago and I was again assured what I’ve been learning from Sam. I always say my brain understands but my heart doesn’t want to and it’s an everyday struggle.
Yes. The same thing happened to me just a few days ago. He love bombed the hell out of me, then we made plans to get back together, slowly, pledging eternal love (omg it makes me sick thinking how I got sucked in AGAIN), then he abruptly cut me off. My world crashed again. I hit myself over the head for being so stupid...
From what I've learned from Prof. Vaknin, the narcissist was scared of the love I was offering and of becoming vulnerable, so had to retain control by discarding me. AGAIN.
is conjuring up a fantasy to be able to maintain no contact a form of self supply? if so what advice could you give a person who has become too good at it, to the point of becoming somewhat indifferent to the rest of the world to snap out of it?
But is there an effective way to actually go fully no contact… to control the urge to re-establish communication?
Yes move to a different continent change emails and voila
There is no way to silence the dialogue with them. I dont no who the realy are at the core identiti
I would NEVER do that;)
If its family, do you tell them your going or make up some excuse or you just suddenly dissapear?
You set boundaries! I did that with mom