How Borderline Lures, Captivates You
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- Опубліковано 15 чер 2022
- Drama (boredom, anxiety)
Approach-avoidance (Intermittent Reinforcement)
Suicide threats
Neediness and clinging, helplessness (gratifies grandiosity)
Idealization
Unboundaried Sex
Fantasy and Lies
Triangulation
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" ...You never know whats coming. You don't want to know what's coming. The only thing you can be sure of is that something is coming ..." Love this description.
That is what my ex said when I followed him wanting to talk to him, he said he felt nervous lol
Theres nothing 'enchanting' about them, when you get to undestand the disorder...
For real eh. The enchantment is a core wound within ourselves that's activated. Nothing about them.
Yes. Actually I have found it effective to "diagnose" all this mystery as rudness.
I had a best friend who was a borderline and I ended up feeling like I was her guardian angel and my divine purpose was to help her. We were not even dating. It was crazy. That feeling of ""anything is possible" is so addictive.
I hear you brother.
I had the exact same experience. The pull is really an insane thing I've never experienced. We are both married and thankfully never cheated on our spouses. Watching a ton of videos about it gives me great comfort about going no contact with her.
Everything you described is the first time I've ever heard ANYONE describe me accurately , god we are scary , when all we want is too be safe loved and at peace.
This is the first time I’ve heard my diagnosis described so painfully beautiful and also a good reminder of the “hold” I have over others. I will try to be more cognizant of my behaviors. Thank you.
I walked away from this video feeling like I received a back handed compliment. 😂 C'est la vie. 🤷🏻♀️
Same same.
Sis, same 😅
...this lecture is of a poetry, beautifully retold narrative about luring a man and his strength to leave a magical woman since the time great Gilgamesh rejected Ishtar, and so on through history. But I've never heard someone described this psychological aspect of woman from a man's perspective in so extraordinary and nostalgic way ... I enjoyed listening.
As a borderline that was entangled with a narcissist for several years, I can confirm. The breaking point for me was not the cheating and compulsive confabulation but the verbal abuse that shattered my idealizations. Had he been able to keep that under control I’d probably still be pining for him. I was becoming suicidal. Looking back I realize it was on purpose to drive me away, it’s so obvious now.
@@amykyns15 it is very confusing because the verbal abuse says they hate you and you have no value to them but the short lived love bombing activates the bonding and HOPE.
@@xrotarebil and then they’ll say “I don’t know why you are discarding me.” 🙄
@@Ilikeyoualot oh wow that's exactly it. I'm so relieved to see it is a thing that maybe it wasn't just in my head like I was told
@@xrotarebil it's actually a perfect system to raise consciousness and grow through trauma. Your soul knows what is doing, please don't judge the experience lest you judge yourself right out of the beauty&appreciation of the lesson.
@@xrotarebil Your points would surely benefit from tempering your reaction. I can see why you bounce right off the surface. You just emphatically stated there is never an excuse for abuse, right after you told me to "piss off" in a hostile, verbally abusive manner. Thanks for giving me a good laugh! Being unable to detect your own hypocrisy plus your hostile rxn leads me to encourage you to get back to your dbt. Start your day with it! :-)
"... The enchanting borderline woman, nothing like her, Thank God"
I I promise the BPD were family scapegoats! When they meet someone that person becomes their family and they cling because they don't want to be abandoned as their narcasist family members have always emotionally abandoned them. I really think it goes back to this. I had the awakening when I saw the video on the narcasist and bod duality! I think the abusive part comes when they feel (which they will because that's what they expect from being the sh) the abandonment coming then their narcasist survival defense mechanisms kick in out of habit from being the family scapegoat. I love this stuff! "Connect the dots"
stop, you’re making me blush
It absolutely was the sex. Once I was hooked then the threats of stopping the sex and intimacy started. I’m so lucky because I caught on quickly and put down boundaries saying I wouldn’t tolerate those threats…and boom. I was blocked on everything instantly.
Bro me too..left after threats of abandonment and violence
This blocking is so typical for them, unbelievable...
I went in healthy and came out of this relationship mental ill. You have described my situation in my relationship and my ex to a tee as if I sat with you and described every single aspect. I don't understand how or why I was made victim but I got caught up in a web of insanity. I'm in therapy after this just so I never ever let my guard down ever again. Wow are these borderline personality people like cookie cutter aspects? How can you be describing my exact situation and the exact personality of this person??
I'm right there with you... going on week 3. Absolute insanity, but I've never missed anyone more.
Just had my first romantic encounter with a BPD and the only phrase I can keep muttering is "holy shit." Fortunately it didn't take because I have experience with an NPD parent and recognized the shift in behavior quickly, but it's still scary to see it and experience it even when you're aware of what's happening.
Yup, sure is.... they're like 9 year old's and are completely controlled by their swings in emotions. Zero logic.
How do you compare npd and bpd since you experienced bboth?
She was almost impossible to let go. A miracle really.
Shoshannim (Hebrew ששנים, 'lilies') is mentioned in Psalm 45 and Psalm 69. Its meaning in these Psalms is uncertain. Some believe it to be a kind of lily-shaped straight trumpet,[1] a six-stringed instrument,[2] a word commencing a song[3] or the melody to which these psalms were to be sung.[4]
The Hebrew root word used is Psalm 45 and 69 according to Strong's Exhaustive Concordance[5] is Strong's #7799 defined as "probably any lily-like flower".
Hope im not the only borderline who's actually asymptomatic and having a successful marriage..
51 now been married to my wife for 16years.. i worked on myself religiously.
Happily married.. stable..
I wish this for everyone suffering from BPD..you can do it..if youre in treatment your prognosis is good..dont fall into the trap of thinking its as bad as most people think..not so!
Stay the course guys and gals:)
No one captures the essence of the borderline experience better than Dr. Vaknin. If given the opportunity, I would do it all over again. There's nothing like experiencing the extreme highs and bottomless lows of loving a borderline. When it's good its good! When it's bad it's better. Especially if you are somewhat disordered yourself.
@@SuperDodoe Has to be😄 I think a healthy well adjusted person wouldn't ignore the red flags. They might however use the pwBPD for one night stands and be smart about it, and end it there.
The pwBPD is very intuitive, and will instinctively be drawn to the disordered or other deviants. Who else would be willing to ride the roller-coaster and appreciate it🙄🙄
@@aalves9453 I gave my ex covert narc almost a heart attack during our breakup phase LoL 😆😆 he got severe panic attack and later praises his mother's love for him (he chose his mother over me ) he discarded me and marries his ex partner who was a normal human being with codependency (not dependent personality disorder, just codependency factor) she was more stable and no chaotic compared to me BPD with psychopathic traits with avoidant personality disorder , now I'm more stable in nature than before or you can say I become more manipulative than chaotic . I remembered during our initial dating phase how he told me that his mother is a drama queen and always victimized herself 🙄🙄🙄 but after panic attack his mother became motherly savior Queen 👑 .
That's the "self mutilation by borderline" phenomenon Sam refers to. But why do it?
Sorry...I was responding to A Alves above.
@@pierreduy8838 hes talking in the context of NPD individual with a borderline. NPD individual seeks their own masochistic destruction by sadistically harming their intimate partner in a bid to get them to react aggressively. Its about an attempt by NPD to individuate from mother, by devaluing and discarding the intimate partner. Thats why.
Its very hilarious as well Professor. Your subtle sense of humour makes one 😁 laugh within while listening to the serious matter you are discussing...
Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when we practice to deceive.
As a self aware borderline the only other personality type I’ve ever been able to date was either a borderline or narcissist.
Narcissists are impossible to date & borderlines give me the emotional depth & security I need. Triggering each other though can be a problem so they also have to be self aware.
Sounds like a legitimate behaviour to me, if she doesn’t want to be turned into a furniture by a Narcissist.
My relationship with a male Borderline could have destroyed my life - but you haven’t lived if you never experienced it.
😂 ❤
That's wild how you called it an enchantment, a spell. I wrote a poem called "the Sorceress" before I knew what BPD was...that's her.
I would love to read that if you’re willing to share
I wish you kept going with examples, this is my mother and a few other family members. Never ending drama and carpet pulling. They wonder why I left the family so long ago.
I saw an interview with a homeless addict and they asked what her triggers were that made her want to get high, and the first thing she said was boredom.
Could be sociopathy too/ psychopathy
@@Rawyalty220this. .
I get philosophical 😂
My ex was BP. Maybe it's different if they are male. The sex was "off" from the start. I felt it. No intimacy, just sex. He asked where was the "make up sex" cheated on me, pornography always wanting me to "chase" him. That's something unknown to me. He would ask, "why don't you xyz? It all felt off. Criticize someones sexuality, it's over. I pulled away. He turned to porn and LOTS of it. He admitted his exwife said the same thing, "no intimacy" as we were going into marriage counseling. I felt emotionally unsafe with him. So now, the demise of our marriage. 11 years and not even "good sex" lol. The rollercoaster ride is over.
He is just not good in sex. Find another BPD who is good and you will be happy.
Sounds more like npd
I'm sure it's there as well as the Cluster B's tend to overlap, but he was formally diagnosed with BPD, Bipolar 2@@albinalteborn
So true, every night he would walk in the door with a huge drama, nothing ordinary, big big drama king. I would sit with dread awaiting the next catastrophe and he never disappointed. Exhausting. His anger was demonic. It was very much a push/pull situation. I hate you, don't leave me. I finally walked and never looked back, was afraid I would turn to stone.
I'm a borderline personality female and find your lectures very good indeed thankyou ❤️you describe me well sir vaknim
Vaknin.
@@samvaknin typo error I do apologise prof.Vaknin 👌
It was a genuine typo error ,these things happen ,hence why I apologized too prof vaknin , so you stand corrected ,thankyou 😁
This is a really great video, well thought out and well put together. I have observed relationships with people who are (maybe I should not diagnose) potential boderlines, narcissist and perhaps psychopaths. What I have seen, inasmuch as these relationships are destructive to the individual, there is always an element of willing participation on the part of the person on the receiving end, and in a way, encouragement of the destructive behavior on part of the boderlines and narcissists.
People seem to want the exciting aspect of the cluster b personality without the abusive aspect. What they don't realize is that one does not exist without the other and so they stay for the excitement in the hope that the abuse will go away, inadvertently encouraging the very patterns that they find are harmful for their mental health.
The very abuse that they complain about is the same abuse that they are addicted to.
I wonder what makes it so difficult for people to just be balanced. So, in this case, be exciting and healthy at the same time. It's really not rocket science. I guess a big part is that people don't believe they have the ability to choose how or who to be and/or think it's too much work to do so.
@@jordanferguson2254 "exciting" translates to idealizing, which means abuse and devaluation. That's the reality 😂
At the end of the relationship is also a fairytale, its a grims fairytale and a horror movie.
''Her misconduct is unacceptable.''
I’ve been cultivating a relationship with a BPD woman for 15 months and I wear that like a badge of honor. Obviously I have major issues with just said. I’ve been mesmerized… it’s like a beautiful train wreck ❤️
Update: The train wreck has occurred and I think I've become so numb to this, I just smiled, nodded my head in agreement and kept it moving.
I could write a book about this shit... what an epic ride :/
@@JohnSmith-wo7ns my gut tells me she'll show up at my door in about a month of no contact. For the first time (because this has happened many times already) I don't want her back. I hope she has discarded me and I feel so much weight lifted from my life... she drained me!
I was weak... she's so god damn beautiful and the sex was ridiculous but that recently stopped about 2 months ago.
I knew at that moment, I was dead man walking 🤣
@@JohnSmith-wo7ns Thanks for sharing John and thank you for the compliment!
Born in Boston and raised in New England now reside in Palm Beach FL.
My Father was a South Boston cop for 20 years. It's not an official diagnosis but I'm sure he would've been labeled a very high functioning narcissist. My mother is extremely difficult. My siblings and I all agree that she is your grandiose narc half the time and a victim the other.
Why am I telling you this? To relate with you because I can understand how you feel.
I questioned if I was someone with NPD a few times but there's one saving grace that negates that question.
I have a self, a core being that has never changed. That I-ness you feel when referring to yourself saved me at a very young age.
I begin tapping back into that and it's been very healing. I feel actual self love for the first time since I was a very young child. I've been searching for it and it's been there this whole time.
It's super subtle but it's there and the more you focus on it, the greater that feeling of knowing becomes.
Sorry to get woo woo on you.
@John Smith Not to mention, look at my women selection... how am I doing? 🤣
That’s it…the fact you keep going back says you have issues to and you clearly enjoy it TOO. So when these men claim I’m crazy I’m this I’m that yet keep coming back..knowing full well I’m boderline..SAYS A LOT MORE ABOUT THEM 😂
My father was hollowed out by my borderline mother. I miss them both: The father I'd once had & had hoped to grow alongside, and the promise of the mother who was not the woman who ostensibly 'raised' & 'loved' me.
I have dated borderline women exclusively, going back to high school. It’s really messed up how I view myself. Makes me think I’ll never attract a decent partner.
@@rprb1957 reflection. I grew up in a religious home as a pastors kid in a small town. Long story short, I attracted these people mostly through the conditioning of the church. My life hit rock bottom over two borderline women, and I live with a lot of regret and guilt. It’s been a rough couple of years working on myself, and I’m seeing a lot of positive results at 36 years old. Thanks for asking. My friends or family haven’t asked this question yet.
I don’t wanna be rude, but you call yourself “toilet farm”....That’s a bad look, if you ever want to get a sane girlfriend
Sam, you are too kind, I’m seriously blushing right now! 😌
Delectable variant of humanity!!! That’s why i love you Sam.
Everything is so identic with my ex bpd... the point is: how to recover and move on , every woman seem so boring...
Ended my borderline marriage earlier this year, and managed to get sucked into a short relationship with another (very likely) borderline. I'm ending it today, seeing her one last time to get back some of my belongings. It always hurts going through this sort of thing, but it's absolutely necessary for one's long term health
You may want to do some childhood trauma work.
End it man
Hurts less than the endless torture that would’ve continued ❤
Run and don't look back. - I know, it is easier said than done, but you will thank yourself later.
Same here mate, jumped out of the frying pan into the fire. Time for some celibate healing.
Thank you… truth hurts…this one pierced the heart… accurately describing my experience with various woman since my first supposed borderline at 16… god I miss the last relationship… so addictive… what I thought was the deepest love was merely desire, madness, various forms of self deception, illusion, hope and despair… thanks again for these insights…
How old are you now?
@@dijagnozayt663 42, looking back, been with 4 woman that probably have borderline ( im not a diagnostic expert, but they have all had the tendencies and idiosyncrasies Vaknin describes )
@@dijagnozayt663 yeah they are deadly attractive… well if one can handle the pleasure, fear and suffering from these encounters. Sounds like it might be time to understand these desires ? Good luck
Prof.!!! Thank you for sharing this valuable narrative about BPD. So hard to pinpoint and explain, but you do it so well. Healing is possible, I feel. One must first learn what their behaviors are, where they are stemming from and why, before the pathway to healing can be revealed. It's a long hard road, but it's possible. WIth people like you, who are willing to speak the truth in a clear and understandable way, making it accessible to the masses, It is getting easier to find the reality in this crazy world. Thanks again. Cheers! Mysti in Oregon. USA
This is crazily accurate. Unbelievable. Thank you so much Prof Vaknin
Fantastic videos
You are so very eloquent with words. I assume from your detailed description you have experienced the spell first hand
Wow I was 80% convinced my friend's wife must be histrionic but after listening to this, I think she is actually borderline
A special actor. Very true. She told me after our first kiss that she broke up with someone previously for not kissing good. She said I did all the things right when I began talking to her and compared me to other men who'd hit on her. It made me feel like I had been walking through a maze that I didn't know I'd been in. She also said she'd been observing me at work (we worked together). It was like I was groomed for the position and every interaction did feel like she controlled it even if she gave me the illusion that I did.
This is very true. Almost fell for one. Be very careful.
Prof. Sam Vaknin is a genius. Such a wealth of information on this topic.
Please, also do a video of borderline men. I think I am married to a borderline man and would like to know more information.
Watch the covert BPD playlist.
Super, dziekuje
Nailed it. Great video.
The relationship that spins the "gold" of our being into straw. Her "you are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you are my savior, you are my angel" always fell flat on my ears. I would always correct her and say "No, I am your house elf". Empty praise doesn't intoxicate me. There was no illusion of grandiosity, no "feeling" of omnipotence or specialness. I slept on the floor between piles of her hoarded rubbish and I'm fairly certain gawd almighty and the angels don't live like that.
An actor ? No. I lived in Hollywood but was never intoxicated by the glamor of that kind of scene. I was only there by chance from the beginning and I defined myself as an "angelino", straw hat and painting/landscaping work. In the end I was a reactor, playing a role in life with her that I could no longer stomach.
I stayed because it gave meaningfulness to my life that life on the road couldn't. I stayed because of an enemy of hers that did what he could to get me to leave so that he could get access to her money. He tried to get me to latch on to his migtow jive and leave her for greener pastures. (It wasn't migtow's philosophy that turned me off from the get-go, it was its lack of it) My indifference to her finances only encouraged him to try collecting what he felt was "my due". Since I didn't want it why shouldn't he have it for himself? I stayed because of some glaring blind spots in my knowledge that I felt I needed to get to the bottom of. In the end that train of thought came through and it was just so painfully obvious that there were no words for it. Life became a hole lot easier to cope with after that.
My mother and two female friends have BPD. When I watch them enchant men, it is not because they are so wonderful. It is because they are extremely sexual, crossing a boundary, or saying things that makes someone uncomfortable so they don't say what they really feel and they just go along with the BPD to get through the moment, crossing more boundaries. The BPD crosses boundaries continuously and the average person freezes and just lets it happen. The BPD gets away with whatever they want to because the average person isn't used to continuously defending themselves for basic boundaries. Just like a pedophile or abusive partner, the BPD becomes familiar and it gets easier to not notice the boundaries being crossed. The BPD makes us feel so uncomfortable that our survival of the species brain tries to balance back to normal by finding happiness in the BPD crap and finding a middle ground in all of the chaos. It becomes okay and happy for the normal person because there is so much non-stop boundary crossing that the survival of the species brain cannot accept. It's a gentle push into Stockholm syndrome. They cross boundaries, and are shocking. That's how they enchant.
Professor Vaknin, thank you.
You sir One of the most Insightful human being I have ever seen
Brilliant. Thank you Sam. And so true.
Amazing
Also, not all borderlines cheat. I threatened a lot though. It did create a fear driven relationship with my ex narcissist, so - hey fellow borderlines, don’t do that. Lesson learned.
My ‘ex’ has BPD-- but, she didn’t ‘like sex’. She had sexual trauma as a youth. We had a lot of sex before we married. Then afterwards…. Got less and less. We were married for 24 months when I discovered she had BPD. THANK YOU-- your videos helped me tremendously.
Maybe she just no longer wanted sex with you.
Excelent ✊🏼
I had a friend like this
Please do a study on scapegoats being BPD!
Thank you !!! תודה רבה אל המידע !!!
WoW once again, you’ve explained everything like a textbook would. I totally get normalcy/stability doesn’t keep a narcissists (is this apply to covert also)
Part of the lyrics from Tove Lo song Habits;
Pick up daddies at the playground
How I spend my daytime
Loosen up the frown, make them feel alive
I make it fast and greasy
I'm numb and way too easy
correct
Hi Sam, would you ever consider talking about psychedelics and their ability to reindroduce split off material?
Sad women with no self asteem from childhood trauma , who have to have muliple partners to enforce their external validation..They litearally have no sense of self..
Borderline seems to be even more dangerous than the psychopath...she has so many strategies and is childlike.. clinging and nagging...I think she can even make the psychopath dance to her tune though psychopaths are cold and ruthless...sir, what is ur take on this...u have a video on dance between the borderline and the narcissist....what about seeing the borderline through the gaze of a psychopath?
I had similar traits to a Borderline, but I have PMDD, and luckily it is being controlled now. I have always been in relationships with narcissists in my life and have decided to be single now. Professor would you be able to do a video on PMDD, it’s not so much a personality disorder but a hormonal disorder but does mimic bipolar and borderline disorders.
Thank you for your wonderful videos Professor.
Interesting!! For a long time I thought I just had pmdd. A lot of my relationship drama escalated around that time of the month for sure.
The second way a borderline makes you addict with them is so true. I just have a doubt that when these people have used to derive energy and every emotuon and care out of you then how come do they forget you?
Do you have a video or can you do a video of what happens when you finally discard a borderline woman for good and her depressive episode plz
Ha! Because we see others and everything possible for them and nothing is possible for us. I think we are all family scapegoats lol
Profesor can u tell what kinda personality best matches borderline woman?
Thankyou for explaining. ❤️ Hahah 😆 Thankyou Mr Vatkin for this compliment.I have BPD
Vaknin.
Blake's poem "La Belle Dame Sans Merci" is quite appropriate.
exactly my case
WOW.
Dr Prof.. I have been caught up in the drama spiral of a borderline and I am being sucked dry of energy and sanity. Is there any advice on how to exit this spiral with minimal damage possible.
Yes, act clingy, fragile and in love as fuck until she leaves disgusted
She is not my partner. Her drama and confabulations have impacted my life severely. I cant stand her but she is partnered with my BIL.. We are barely allowed to speak to him without her permission or presence
@@GaenorBgood Ignore her its the only way. Don't give her any fuel at all. Avoid, ignore, walk away do whatever it takes to stay out of her orbit. Everything else will be futile.
Yes, block her on everything and go NO CONTACT.
Ouch , is this me ? Sobering
So what happens when the find out you are totally done
No one can beat the accuracy of portraying borderline's cast like Professor Vaknin does . I want to hear about the rest 92 tactics by which narcs and codependents got themselves enslaved and mummified 😆😆
this is so funny 🤣
What if BORDERLİNE isnt doing this to men but investors, organizations and countries?
I want too engulf the chosen one but then I'm insecure and I turn on them ,I've become very violent,but I still want them to stay ? I've never been suicidal, I've been with a bpd male who pushed me away ,he fits some of this too x
@@tomaszsosnowski9279 yes they do ,I'm very weakened and triggered by bpd men there more kryptonite too me than the narc
@@tomaszsosnowski9279 it’s not intimacy, it’s intensity. Why they’re so full on at the start
@@tomaszsosnowski9279 male & female
Prof Sam Vaknin, you're an absolute wizard Sir 🧙♀️🧎♂️ the information you provide is priceless 🤝
So I AM a witch! I knew I was magic lol.
In all seriousness, I’m disgusted I am this textbook.
Hello Professor 👋
Can you please address the borderline lame partner ?
Much obliged 🙏🏻
What is borderline lame?
It gets worse , I didn’t know 😓
Well shht.
Dear Prof. Vaknin,
In one of your videos you said the narcissist will inevitably take his power back from borderline by separation individuation. Then the borderline would act out. Does it mean what you call “misbehaving” of borderline in this video is a reaction of borderline to narcissist separation individuation? In this case is borderline reactive and the narcissist is proactive? So, the narcissist is destroying the bond, not borderline?
You say “if you humiliate her in public or privately” and so on and then you say she “misconducts”. Isn’t it what you call borderline’s “misconduct” her reaction to narcissist’s misconduct?
Thank you.
He,!!!!!
How to know in the first meet ir someone is a borderline?
Others may entertain, but I myself is in pain and agony
Am I a DRUG?
“Suicide by borderline “ book title material
8 out of 8000... 😂 💯
Can you make a video about male borderlines?
They are no different to female borderlines.
It's not my initial intention. It just happens, lol.
Forget it!!
Preditore around,!!!
What kind of people do borderline usually Target?
Watch the BPD playlist.
@@samvaknin sure,I'll check it right away! :)
Professor Vaknin what happens to the borderline as she ages and loses her charm?
The charm is not the beauty or the youth, is the personality! The histrionic woman is the shallow and somatic one.
Walking towards a would be "Cat Woman"