This was very helpful, especially after the strategies were flushed out with examples! I"ll try to use some of these strategies and see if they work for me.
You’re the first person I’ve heard talking about this to who I can really relate. I’ve made notes on your tips and I am hopeful it will help me. Thanks for the video, Riko!
Gosh, you've pretty much summarized my whole life! I used to pretend my life was a movie at times, and I had no idea why. You've helped me make sense of everything, thank you!
You have described my brain and many of my efforts I’ve done in my own my entire life. Thank you for listing these ideas in one video. Thank you for your work.
My whole family has PDA. One thing that helps me is to keep reminding myself that everything I do is a choice. I can choose to do what's being demanded, and as long as it is my choice, it's ok.
8. 9:17 - "Saying I am not going to do something, but then do it" I am going to think of an excuse and do something else instead. I know I should be doing it, but I am not gonna. And then just go ahead and do it 😂 (because the pressure has lessened) 9. 10:28 Novelty "If I change something, I have this new thing to do it and get excited about it". I will shop on my way to the dentist. Or I will shower with the new bubble salts, make up or nail polish or dressing up (which incidentally also helps with the pretending / role playing 🎉) 😂
Strategies for Adult PDA 1. 0:37 - Role Play, pretend to be someone else, a character or animal that can face the demand you are challenged to carry out. I've been doing this very intuitively. E.g. Pretending to be the "cool girl" to date and pretend to be confident. 2. 2:21 - Try to do the opposite. Instead of concentrating and obsessing about that phone call you feel you NEED to make, and about the consequences of not doing it, focusing on the opposite. I am NOT going to make it. E.g. in my case the most calming thought is how I can end my own life at any time if I need to. And so, when I am overwhelmed by the crippling anxiety of wrestling with the inability to do something, I tell myself "oh, well, I am not going to be here in a week or so, so I might as well forget about the pressure and just enjoy myself". Only then I will eventually become much more calm and closer to do the dreaded / terrifying task! It's kinda weird 😅 3. 3:10 - Make everything optional Instead of a dear immobilized staring at the head lights, having the possibility of chosing different options (maybe chosing from different tasks, and starting with the easiest one, even if it's just to put music on to "get in the mood" to do something, or just tiding up 1 single thing. 4. 3:48 - Not committing to anything, instead saying "we might be going to a museum...". E.g. my own experience is that when I commit to meet someone, I have HUGE anticipatory anxiety. And my whole day will be ruined by the dread of feeling now FORCED to do that thing, even if I was really looking forward to it, and so I will just be like "You know what, just to make sure I can make it, let me confirm on that same day" or with my closest friends I'll be like "do you mind if I just tell you when I am going to visit you before I leave the house?" 😅 And that helps a lot! 5. 4:59 - OCD strategy - Not think about it, distraction, daydream, "thinking about something else". Works best with routines! E.g. getting out of bed. For me it was like, I need to distract myself before. Watch something I enjoy... Think about something that is positive. 6. 6:47 - "I am not doing it because YOU told me, I am doing it because I WANT TO". Or do it some other day or in some other way (email instead of calling someone up) 7. 8:22 - Procrastination "I can't do it now, because... (X excuse) I will do it WHEN I CAN and get back to you.
Thank you for being so relatable! I didn't realize how much I do those things. Now I can do them with the awareness that it is helpful instead of shaming and blaming myself for tricking me and others! 💪💝🙏
I found hearing these different ways (and the specific examples especially) really helpful. You have me thinking how to be really creative in my approach to this. Thank you!
Mom put 2 lists on the refridgerator. One was my normal weekly chores. After I got those done, I could get to the second list, which had lists of chores with prices next to them; and I'd get paid for those I did on that list. I still put a list on the fridge and pick what I want to do. If I have things to do. I might put out items I need to perform the task in the area, then I walk off and when I wander back - I see the stuff there, and just go ahead and do it. I still use Mom's trick of saying... do you want to do #1 or #2? Both of which were things she wanted me to do. Because of my autism and dyspraxia there was a lot of focus on me being able to perform tasks, mask, etc., so you feel like you've always got people watching and judging how and what you are doing. As I got older, Mom & Dad learned to be less overbearing and would have a bit more hands off approach. It was a bit more cooperative. They also learned, if they started working on something, I would come help without being told. So Mom would start folding laundry, I would come and start helping; then she would say 'Oh, I need to do X, Y, X'. and she'd go off. I like to finish things, so I'd say and finish.
I love some if these ideas! #2 Role play...I'm picturing having Donna Reed swooping in to do my housework for me. The one about choosing alternatives... I'm thinking of creating my own bingo boards so I can choose from options. Thanks so much for this video. I've been searching for self help strategies and this is the inly helpful one I've found from the POV of someone who has PDA.
I think you might have described masking techniques that are actually helpful and therapeutic (which is the opposite of what neuronormative people think of as masking). Thank you for your insight.
thank you so so much, im in the middle of yet another autistic burnout and this was really helpful. it takes me 3 hours to get out of bed in the morning so im really hoping not thinking about it or pretending im a sim will help.
Awesome, this is so helpful! A lot of these strategies overlap with ADHD stuff (I have ADHD and an probably also autistic). I sometimes like to think of myself as just a creature on this earth in this galaxy in this universe. Thinking of myself as organic as say a Fox can with anxiety. I deserve to be here and as am much a part of this earth as any animal out there just trying to survive.
Thank you for this and to francis spencer for summarizing it in a comment. I found that live streaming Myself.Doing chores works best for me. Kinda like the roleplay strategy, but also gives my phone a task so i cant pick it up and get distracted by it
I pretend that I am on 'Big Brother' programme or that I am being filmed for 'SuperNanny' especially if the kids are being demanding. I often reward myself when I do things I've struggled with like allowing myself a UA-cam video of my special interest whilst having to make dinner.
Hiya. Thank you for the video. Would you possibly have any advice for getting a child with PDA ready for school in the morning? Because it is lots of demands that need doing straight away, I can't seem to find away around them. And it causes so much anxiety with my daughter. We get up an hour earlier, at 6am, to give us extra time, but it's still not enough xxx
Do you have any tips for people living with someone with PDA? I have empathy that it’s causing anxiety to be told what to do or even asked but at the same time some stuff needs to be done and I’m feeling my own anxiety that I’m not getting help or not even asking for help because I’m going to get attitude. Then I feel resentment . What can I do to work together with a pda person that I live with?
Hi, see my post above...PDA is all about commands and demands. If you need help from someone with PDA, ask them to choose to help with the thing. You cannot tell anyone with PDA what to do. Asking for them to choose to help you is about all you can do. PDA is also known as pervasive autonomy disorder. People w PDA have to decide to do something and as the speaker is saying, they have to do some mental gymnastics to get them there. If they don't know they have it, ask them to look at some websites, get help from a professional, and they may be a bit more likely to work with you.
![Unpacking "Pathological Demand Avoidance" [CC]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/g8RqHnatiNg/mqdefault.jpg)
![Unpacking "Pathological Demand Avoidance" [CC]](/img/tr.png)
This was very helpful, especially after the strategies were flushed out with examples! I"ll try to use some of these strategies and see if they work for me.
You’re the first person I’ve heard talking about this to who I can really relate. I’ve made notes on your tips and I am hopeful it will help me. Thanks for the video, Riko!
Gosh, you've pretty much summarized my whole life! I used to pretend my life was a movie at times, and I had no idea why. You've helped me make sense of everything, thank you!
You have described my brain and many of my efforts I’ve done in my own my entire life. Thank you for listing these ideas in one video. Thank you for your work.
My whole family has PDA. One thing that helps me is to keep reminding myself that everything I do is a choice. I can choose to do what's being demanded, and as long as it is my choice, it's ok.
After struggling for so long with my son, I just learned about PDA. This is by far the most helpful video I've found. Thank you! I thank God for you!!
Very helpful, thank you. This is the kind of info we need.
8. 9:17 - "Saying I am not going to do something, but then do it"
I am going to think of an excuse and do something else instead. I know I should be doing it, but I am not gonna. And then just go ahead and do it 😂 (because the pressure has lessened)
9. 10:28 Novelty "If I change something, I have this new thing to do it and get excited about it".
I will shop on my way to the dentist. Or I will shower with the new bubble salts, make up or nail polish or dressing up (which incidentally also helps with the pretending / role playing 🎉) 😂
PDA - the ultimate freedom
Seriously the most helpful video I’ve seen on strategies yet! Thank you SO much!!!
Riko you’re an amazing person, you’re a voice to all people with Pathological Demand Avoidance. GOD BLESS YOU
Strategies for Adult PDA
1. 0:37 - Role Play, pretend to be someone else, a character or animal that can face the demand you are challenged to carry out.
I've been doing this very intuitively. E.g. Pretending to be the "cool girl" to date and pretend to be confident.
2. 2:21 - Try to do the opposite.
Instead of concentrating and obsessing about that phone call you feel you NEED to make, and about the consequences of not doing it, focusing on the opposite. I am NOT going to make it.
E.g. in my case the most calming thought is how I can end my own life at any time if I need to. And so, when I am overwhelmed by the crippling anxiety of wrestling with the inability to do something, I tell myself "oh, well, I am not going to be here in a week or so, so I might as well forget about the pressure and just enjoy myself". Only then I will eventually become much more calm and closer to do the dreaded / terrifying task! It's kinda weird 😅
3. 3:10 - Make everything optional
Instead of a dear immobilized staring at the head lights, having the possibility of chosing different options (maybe chosing from different tasks, and starting with the easiest one, even if it's just to put music on to "get in the mood" to do something, or just tiding up 1 single thing.
4. 3:48 - Not committing to anything, instead saying "we might be going to a museum...".
E.g. my own experience is that when I commit to meet someone, I have HUGE anticipatory anxiety. And my whole day will be ruined by the dread of feeling now FORCED to do that thing, even if I was really looking forward to it, and so I will just be like "You know what, just to make sure I can make it, let me confirm on that same day" or with my closest friends I'll be like "do you mind if I just tell you when I am going to visit you before I leave the house?" 😅 And that helps a lot!
5. 4:59 - OCD strategy - Not think about it, distraction, daydream, "thinking about something else". Works best with routines!
E.g. getting out of bed. For me it was like, I need to distract myself before. Watch something I enjoy... Think about something that is positive.
6. 6:47 - "I am not doing it because YOU told me, I am doing it because I WANT TO".
Or do it some other day or in some other way (email instead of calling someone up)
7. 8:22 - Procrastination "I can't do it now, because... (X excuse) I will do it WHEN I CAN and get back to you.
This is the best thing ever! I needed this video, and I loved listening to you talk about it. You have such a nice on screen presence!
Wow such excellent strategies - I was nodding and smiling as you was talking as I was going allot of these unconsciously. Thank you keep sharing!
Thank you for being so relatable! I didn't realize how much I do those things. Now I can do them with the awareness that it is helpful instead of shaming and blaming myself for tricking me and others!
💪💝🙏
I found hearing these different ways (and the specific examples especially) really helpful. You have me thinking how to be really creative in my approach to this. Thank you!
Mom put 2 lists on the refridgerator. One was my normal weekly chores. After I got those done, I could get to the second list, which had lists of chores with prices next to them; and I'd get paid for those I did on that list. I still put a list on the fridge and pick what I want to do. If I have things to do. I might put out items I need to perform the task in the area, then I walk off and when I wander back - I see the stuff there, and just go ahead and do it. I still use Mom's trick of saying... do you want to do #1 or #2? Both of which were things she wanted me to do. Because of my autism and dyspraxia there was a lot of focus on me being able to perform tasks, mask, etc., so you feel like you've always got people watching and judging how and what you are doing. As I got older, Mom & Dad learned to be less overbearing and would have a bit more hands off approach. It was a bit more cooperative. They also learned, if they started working on something, I would come help without being told. So Mom would start folding laundry, I would come and start helping; then she would say 'Oh, I need to do X, Y, X'. and she'd go off. I like to finish things, so I'd say and finish.
I love some if these ideas! #2 Role play...I'm picturing having Donna Reed swooping in to do my housework for me. The one about choosing alternatives... I'm thinking of creating my own bingo boards so I can choose from options.
Thanks so much for this video. I've been searching for self help strategies and this is the inly helpful one I've found from the POV of someone who has PDA.
This is great stuff!!!!
Those were some really useful suggestions, Riko, thank you! 😊
I think you might have described masking techniques that are actually helpful and therapeutic (which is the opposite of what neuronormative people think of as masking).
Thank you for your insight.
Thank you for the information
Really helpful, thank you.
Nice one, thanks
Really found these strategies resonate with me, thank you!
thank you so so much, im in the middle of yet another autistic burnout and this was really helpful. it takes me 3 hours to get out of bed in the morning so im really hoping not thinking about it or pretending im a sim will help.
Awesome, this is so helpful! A lot of these strategies overlap with ADHD stuff (I have ADHD and an probably also autistic).
I sometimes like to think of myself as just a creature on this earth in this galaxy in this universe. Thinking of myself as organic as say a Fox can with anxiety. I deserve to be here and as am much a part of this earth as any animal out there just trying to survive.
Thank you for this and to francis spencer for summarizing it in a comment.
I found that live streaming Myself.Doing chores works best for me. Kinda like the roleplay strategy, but also gives my phone a task so i cant pick it up and get distracted by it
oh wow this helped me make so much more sense of things, thank you!
This is really helpful, thank you. I'm gonna try role playing that I'm an academic l watch on youtube and see if l can get my literature review done.
Your examples are so helpful, actually makes the info applicable for me
Really helpful, thanks Riko.
This is awesome 👍 thanks ☺️
I pretend that I am on 'Big Brother' programme or that I am being filmed for 'SuperNanny' especially if the kids are being demanding. I often reward myself when I do things I've struggled with like allowing myself a UA-cam video of my special interest whilst having to make dinner.
Well, I don't have a any better ideas so might as well try.
Hiya. Thank you for the video.
Would you possibly have any advice for getting a child with PDA ready for school in the morning? Because it is lots of demands that need doing straight away, I can't seem to find away around them. And it causes so much anxiety with my daughter. We get up an hour earlier, at 6am, to give us extra time, but it's still not enough xxx
I see this is from years ago, but now there are some good videos from Orion Kelly that might help the new people who want this question answered.
Do you have any tips for people living with someone with PDA? I have empathy that it’s causing anxiety to be told what to do or even asked but at the same time some stuff needs to be done and I’m feeling my own anxiety that I’m not getting help or not even asking for help because I’m going to get attitude. Then I feel resentment . What can I do to work together with a pda person that I live with?
Hi, see my post above...PDA is all about commands and demands. If you need help from someone with PDA, ask them to choose to help with the thing. You cannot tell anyone with PDA what to do. Asking for them to choose to help you is about all you can do. PDA is also known as pervasive autonomy disorder. People w PDA have to decide to do something and as the speaker is saying, they have to do some mental gymnastics to get them there. If they don't know they have it, ask them to look at some websites, get help from a professional, and they may be a bit more likely to work with you.