Paulo you say confidence, I hear depression. Your life took two major changes in 2022. Please consider a trusted counselor. You value your marriage and you’re making a personal sacrifice. That’s okay, but you need to reconcile it. Find the joy in your relationships and passion in your activities. I think you’re awesome.
I think you‘re right! Working out helps against resignation in the moment you do it and the minutes after it but not against the inner struggle as a state now as it seems to be. I‘d look for a good counselor too, someone who‘ll really listen and be there for you whatever you feel& like.
I used to do heavy weight lifting and extreme workouts and also worked in my career as a construction worker. I thought these activities would prevent and therefore stop me from being trans. This was before I ever began to do anything about my true feelings. After all the self loathing, doubt and denial you discover it never goes away, it's just who we are and we have to except that to stay healthy and live fulfilling lives. To what degree of how far we go is a choice, but its always there and usually gets stronger.
I agree completely with this comment. After watching this video I went back and watched the video from six months earlier talking about stopping HRT. The denial and cognitive dissonance is palpable. Mustering an air of confidence to talk about stopping your transition while essentially transitioning your car to make it everything you want *it* to be … imagine deciding to revert your car back to its basic factory state. At the end you say there are other factors you don’t have time to get into. It’s what you *don’t* say that speaks the loudest in these videos. It seems clear to me, to us, that you are pulling off the vinyl wrap and sequential LED lights of you because your wife is unwilling to accept you for you. I fully sympathize with your not wanting to lose her and your family, but don’t lose yourself in the process. If she loves you, she needs to understand who you truly are. If you try and conform to being someone else, you’re both going to lose much more eventually. Please find a couples counselor who is LGBT friendly and knowledgeable about trans issues. While I think you may be right about the dangers to your health and weight to be mindful of with HRT, I think you’re emphasizing those to deny acknowledging the real reasons for this reversal. But, in the end, it’s your journey, not mine, not ours. And that journey may entail a few twists, turns, and even U turns to find the right course. It’s okay to admit we don’t always have the map. Just get on that road and drive, and don’t stop being that amazing 370Z you know you can be.
Oh Paola, My heart goes out to you when I see such an honest video. You are such a lovely person inside and out and have always been so helpful to your audience, we all wish we could offer you some advice that would help. You have been through a lot in recent years and I cried with you when you experienced such difficulties originally while trying to get on to HRT and I was so happy for you when that kind doctor finally listened to you. I think you have realised that you need to talk to a professional along with your wife to resolve these conflicts in your life. All I can do is offer to support you as you have done for me.
Congratulations about the detransitioning. There is no such thing as “transitioning” and it’s a scam. Look into it. Your kids need their father and your wife is a got damn angel. Dude, I hope you are still alive. God intended you to be the most strong man that you can be.
When I started hormones I knew transitions was right for me. My wife saw me happier as I transitioned, despite the changes that did not please her. My doctor (a specialist) said that patient who feel better after hormones and blockers are the most successful in their transitions. Detransitioning is not easy if you are trans. Hope things get better and you find a path to true happiness.
I agree with everything Tim Rogers has said, Paola. As someone who has went through long periods of depression as well, I honestly think both you and your wife will greatly benefit finding a trusted marriage/family counselor. I've had counseling from a psychologist who greatly helped me in the past. Like you, I'm born male and I have a wonderful, beautiful, amazing wife who loves me unconditionally, even with my crossdressing. Thank you so much for sharing, and please know you're in my prayers and thoughts.
Hello Paolo, I really feel with you. This is a tough situation. Your videos and your authenticity speak volumes and you are valuable. No one can say what you should do. You do what is best for you.
Oh, Paola... I'm so sorry this is happening. You deserve all the unconditional love and support that you need, including supporting you in being the best and happiest you can be. I hope you're able to do what's best for you.
I was so sad watching this. I truly cannot understand how you are feeling or what you are going through. What struck me is a person who is sacrificing what was building confidence and hapiness for family security and peace. On the one hand you have self fulfillment and on the other a possible loss of wife and family. You said being married that transitioning was selfish, so I feel a major decision has to be revisited. You are a kind very honest and loving person and your many fans love you and pray for your future
Thanks for sharing this with us. I realize what you are going through is rough. Just remember that you have thousands of supporters and don't think for a minute that you aren't loved. Focus on yourself because you are the only person you need to satisfy. Transitioning does not mean not supporting people that depend on you but, how can you support them if you can't be yourself?
Paola, first of all … you’re awesome. You are strong! Your are beautiful and you are wonderful for all you have done and shared here. I want you to know that “You” is a personal thing and I am strengthened by you and I have only watched a few dozen of your videos. Ps. I love the side lights on the z! Please know that online I have found happiness and peace listening to you and think you have such a wonderful spirit. Lifting weights has helped me tone up and many of my girlfriends are tougher than me. I struggle to keep up with them. Life is a journey and thank you for sharing the truth. Most people still wear a mask. I love you ❤ and I can’t wait to hear of the the new page in your book of life!
I can feel for you. I came out to my wife about 30 years ago. I started going out and being who I was. After 3years she still had problems with this, and I stopped going out . The stress and anxiety was eating me up.over the years. I felt like nobody. Since then, I recently started an antidepressant and HRT- just estradiol. It has helped me cope with my inner feelings. I still don’t go out but my wife understands now how I feel. I do dress at home on occasion. Nothing big. It keeps both of us comfortable. It is a tough line to walk ! I hope you find a comfortable spot in you that works for both of you. Take care, be safe!
Everybody is different when it comes down to mental issues. In my case, lots of counseling help my trans girlfriend and I. I met her when she was crossdressing and although she always have looked very feminine like you, she decided to make the transition. I supported her all the way but mid along the way she decided not to keep on going with the treatment for her mental health. We went back to counseling and it finally ended up helping her decide to keep the treatment. Although it took quite a bit, we are now in a much happier place. Hopefully you will get there as well whenever you're ready. All the best to you.
You are great. I hope you can keep making the videos that make you happy. I miss your car videos, you are so happy when showing up the guys at Auto Zone😂. I miss your joy. Be your self. You are great.
I am sorry you're having to live in the "middle" of your true self. I have just started HRT and am so happy, almost euphoric. I am truly a late bloomer to this, however I've felt those same feelings throughout my entire life. I hope you find your own way and come through this to the other side more fulfilled and feeling that "happy, bubbly feeling you once enjoyed. Positive thoughts coming your way.
That age old saying of " you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube" is probably the best analogy!!.i tried for 62 years to keep it bottled up and hidden for decades. Doing that effected my wife and kids immensely. Alcohol and Workaholic was my coping mechanism...both very unhealthy I know. I missed so much of my life trying to cope and hide that it eventually was causing me paralyzing anxiety and depression. I came out officially to my wife at age 55 (she already knew) and obviously didn't take well so I kept it bottled up for another 7 years. I had just turned 62 August 2022 and she finally sat me down and told me I need to try hrt. She could see how detached I was from everything socially to include family. I was there physically yet not there mentally if that makes sense. I've been married 35 years so this has been a really longtime for me! I told my wife "im sorry that I'm broken" and her reply was "YOUR NOT BROKEN and I won't ever leave you"!!! We've become closer then ever since then. I hope and pray you can find the peace you deserve. You know where to find me on fb and can DM me at any time if you need to talk or vent. 💘 💜 💛 💚
Souls, remember this verse: 2 Timothy 3:16 All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness: Which clears out the question(complains) that bible is man written, IT IS NOT. Our sinful nature allows not to write any which were written into the bible. Nor can any man see future, unless GOD has given him visions. Joel 2:28 And it shall come to pass afterward, that I will pour out my spirit upon all flesh; and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, your old men shall dream dreams, your young men shall see visions: Acts 2:17 And it shall come to pass in the last days, saith God, I will pour out of my Spirit upon all flesh: and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, and your young men shall see visions, and your old men shall dream dreams: Galatians 3:22 But the scripture hath concluded all under sin, that the promise by faith of Jesus Christ might be given to them that believe. Galatians 3:8 And the scripture, foreseeing that God would justify the heathen through faith, preached before the gospel unto Abraham, saying, In thee shall all nations be blessed. (My advice to many souls out there, don´t believe all the diagnoses the "dr" give you. ) - trans - autistic, - having PTSD, Whatever the diagnoses may be.
Hi sweetie. I can absolutely empathize with you. Several months ago, and after being on HRT for four years, I stopped HRT cold turkey. Like you, things had happened in my life that made me wonder if I had made the right choice to transition in the first place. It was awful. I suffered headaches for ten days, stomach cramps and nausea, and I swear I could feel the testosterone cruising through my veins. My genitals ached like no ones business. Then, to top it off, I was depressed again. I remembered that special taste of depression. That's when I remembered why I had transitioned to begin with; to be one with the feminine that I had longed for all my life. I resumed HRT and have felt much better. I think the reason I detransitioned to begin with was because I missed my family and friends. They all left when I announced that I was transitioning. I suppose I just had to be at peace with the fact that I may have lost them. Although my mother contacted me for the first time in the last five years to tell me "Merry Christmas, I love you." So that felt great as you can imagine. I'm not married like you and I don't have any children. So that's a huge difference between you and me. But I can appreciate the changes that affect one's genitalia while on HRT. I suppose if I were in your shoes and I wanted to continue HRT, I would seek out another couple going through the same thing. Just to get some feedback and see if they incorporated any type of strap-on during their love making and ask if they were cool with that. I wish you all the best. I haven't watched your videos in the past few years but I watched you often when you just cross dressed. I found a great deal of comfort then. I hope you'll be able to find a little of the same in this comment. Luv and Hugs, Jackie 💐💃
My story was pretty much like yours. I got on HRT after years of knowing I was trans, after that first shot I felt so good I ended up driving my kid 1200 miles non stop, no sleep, to an amusement park and actually had fun for the first time in years and smiled. I was at the time involved in a thruple, one women knew for years before I was even on HRT, the other didn't, at first she claimed to be ok with it, then after I had FFS she changed her mind and gave me a ultimatum. I detransitioned for about a year, my anxiety came back worse then before HRT, depression took over, I was in a dark place. I blew so much money on distractions and hobbies, none of them helped. Then one day I just decided I couldn't give up that freedom after having a taste of it anymore, and told her she had to accept it if she wanted me, which she eventually did. Good luck with whatever you ultimately decide.
Only postponing the inevitable which always gets harder the longer you put it off. Emotionally and financially for everyone involved. If you were up front and honest then the women in your life knew who you were before hand. Don’t feel guilty , they signed up for it.
@@brainfreeze9653 I wouldn't had if children weren't involved, her daughter really needed someone positive in her life. It always baffled me anyway, about why she would care if she was bisexual anyway.
Oh I feel so much of what you’re saying. My biggest fear is how it would affect my wife if I transitioned, so I never did. But I always feel like I wasn’t true to myself. Im very conflicted.
Hi, I truly feel for you as I have had many similar situations and still do. I don't think this ever leaves us. Either way remember this life is an adventure and can feel like a roller coaster. It's all good and know you are truly loved.
Thank you for posting this. I can relate to it completely. Try to stay strong. We all have to find a path, that can take time. I am almost 60, and I am just getting to a happier place. Xxx
Being trans is a sentence for life, it never stops. We must find a way of expressing our full self without hurting our loved ones. Keeping in very close contact with our wives and allowing her to be involved in the process will help. I went to see a psychiatrist & psychologist in 2015 to find out HOW NOT to TRANSITION,..... it didn't work. ! My wife and I get on well years later.
Paola, you're story really touched me. I totally understand your situation. My wife knew of my dressing when we first got together 20 years ago and she was supportive at first, but when we got serious she started changing her tune. She never outright said to stop, but I was getting the "vibe" that she didn't want it to continue and just wanted her husband. So I put it away and convinced myself I didn't need Milyssa in my life anymore, and tried to be a good husband for 17 years. It wasn't until a couple of months after she suddenly passed away last November that I started entertaining the idea of dressing again. And once I started the genie was let out of the bottle and Milyssa is now back with a vengeance. But I completely understand the turmoil you feel inside, of having to give up a part of yourself to make your marriage work. That's such a tough decision, and marriage is about compromise. But I will also say this -- be true to yourself as much as possible. It's your life and you deserve to be happy. I know that doesn't help right now, and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Life has a way of working things out, and I hope they work out for you for the best. Just know you have support here if you need it.
Paola- Anything I say is just my opinion, I am not a trained medical professional or therapist. It is all based on my own experience, where I was on HRT for like 5 years and was forced to make the same kind of decision you did for similar reasons, it is a huge sacrifice, this is literally giving up a part of yourself. In my case looking back now almost 20 years, I realize that the decision I made was the right one for my family, the consequences if I had transitioned would have been my family breaking up and it would have totally trashed my child's dreams, I saw that then and made my decision. What you did is one of the most difficult things someone can do. What you described when being on HRT was for the first time in your life, you were feeling like yourself, fully integrated. When you looked in the mirror you saw yourself, even though given how relatively you were on HRT, the changes likely hadn't really hit (the emotional ones probably did). When you integrate your confidence goes up, you are you to the world, if that makes sense, it is a feeling of peace with oneself and confidence things are right. When you decide to revert/detransition, there is some physical effect from stopping HRT, though honestly I didn't really feel that much from that. But what happens when you revert like that is in a sense, you are rejecting yourself. In my case I went back to what I had always done, live up in my head, and I paid a price for that, isolated myself, and put on well hell of an acting job. I sacrificed having friends, just didn't want any living as a man, and other things. It doesn't mean I have been absolutely miserable but I have spent the last number of years every day with a discconnect from who I play in the world, a father and a working guy and who I really am. I haven't even really dressed much over this time, because quite honestly it didn't really fit the bill, and coming back again is too hard. I am still wrestling with trying to find some of that magic, but not sure I'll ever find that. What you are describing is an old friend, depression, and it is not surprising. Depression is rage turned inward, at a situation that is causing pain and discomfort. Exercise is a natural anti depressant, strength training especially. I don't have a magic cure obvious, I put my head down and bulled through, with the things that needed to be done, but take it from me, it isn't perfect. I obviously have joy in what my child has done, they really have found their passion because of my sacrifice. I am sure my wife was happy I buried it, though in recent years she has been a lot more sympathetic. Sadly, we are talking about things we should have talked about then, things I am sorry to say our therapist didn't handle right with us. I don't know if it woud have allowed me to transition, I doubt it, but it may have allowed some middle ground. My only advice is don't be me, don't try to bull through it. You wife in many ways is a lot more open than my wife ultimately was or most wives, and it could be through therapy you can come to a place where you have happiness but it doesn't threaten your family. Without intruding on your privacy, from watching your videos when you decided to detransition, it sounds like your wife resented the very self centered nature of it (and not gonna claim I was any different), it is very easy to get caught up in the excitement of finding yourself, then losing sight of other things and that can make something difficult like transition on a spouse even more difficult. I can't say if going to therapy individually and with your wife will lead to the pot at the end of the rainbow, I can tell you not trying, doing what I did, won't solve anything. Why leave yourself with anything but as much joy as you can have given the bounds you feel you have with your life? Whether it is being happy being a part time Transgender woman or 'merely' a CD, the one thing I can tell you is that it will be better than what I did (or didn't do). It isn't like I haven't had joy in my life or fun, but the low level, continual depression and the coping mechanisms I use probably have made the joy or fun a lot less strong or frequent than if I had worked it out, whatever that was and the continual disconnect has put a pall on a lot of things. Obviously, wishing you anything but the best and again, this is just my experience, everyone is different, hopefully this helps.
@Clarry Gee what a clever response. When someone opens up and talks about themselves it isn't like talking about shoes. You don't like detailed responses,don't read them.
Your beautiful and so are your words and feeling. Sems like stop taking HRT has taking a happy part of your happy life away. I wish and pray your happiness returns soon
i tried to push it away for many years for my kids,BAD IDEA!!! I tried to unalive myself 5 times over the years ..Almost 2 yrs ago i said screw this and finally transitioned now on thursday im getting bottom surgery !!BE YOU GIRL! I still workout all the time!!! the more muscular you get the worse its gonna be!Now my workouts are more legs and glutes no more top workouts!!Girl i could talk to you for hrs about this ,i went thru it all!!
I understand why your doin this and I can respect that but honestly girl you gotta be able to be who you are and be your beautiful self your my friend and I care about your happiness seeing you like this just makes me wish I could reach threw the screen and hug you I will always always be here for you no matter what I always got time for you night or day if you ever need to talk I’m here where so much alike so I know how you feel I know I don’t say this much but I love you girl I hope you can find someone to talk to even if it’s not me
I am trans. Hid most of my life. I'm 57 came out about 3 years ago. It was very hard coming out but I have found hiding it I was always sad inside. Now out my heart is fully happy .just be you it's the greatest happiness
Your sacrifice for the sake of ur marriage and family is a show of real strength and selflessness. I’m in a similar situation for the last 7 years I’ve wanted to transition but for the sake of my family I don’t. Just hold strong, because our decisions affect more than just ourselves (: your wife has a lot of love for u to work thru this with u
So sorry to hear of this for you. The bottom line is that this is at best hard within a family setting. The dynamics started with a man and a woman, the added member of the "new woman" does create added stress to the family. In all fairness to your marriage, you need to be the person she bargained for before you were married. I get all of the reasons that she should accept you for who you really are but in total fairness, she was looking for a different life. I can only imagine the depth of strain it is placing on you personally. you know on the one hand who you are fully and were headed in that direction. You got thrown a stop directive. How frustrating, painful, and yet reasonable. We place so much stock on us just being who we want to be that we forget that the other person in the marriage only has some say in how things go. To the extreme, if you were doing massive drug of the nonlegal kind and were exhibiting behaviors that were not consistent with what she thinks make the family work she would ask the same thing. I know a very extreme example, but the message is understood. you are the one changing things up and have a choice to make, go or stay, transition or don't, seek a middle ground of some sort and be happy with that knowing that is all you get, or just move along. These are at best painful, gut-wrenching decisions but in all honesty, we men of a different flag ask a lot of the women. they fell in love with a concept and a person, when we alter that and then find it is not fully accepted that is on us. As is the solution. Best of luck to you, the pain you feel is understood and palpable. I wish you and your family well and hope you can find that sweet spot to live happily within.
Continue working out Paola, the endorphins released are a great natural high. Exercise is great for mental health. You look wonderful as is, please don't fret about your appearance. And I could hear you perfectly with this mic 💙
A wonderfully courageous, direct and and honest video. In a fairly short and sincere talk, you have confronted the vexing dilemma that so many crossdressers and trans people face who are torn between their loved ones, families and careers, and their feminine selves. As you turn away from hormones and transitioning, and toward "guy mode" for the sake of your loving wife and family, and hoped for emotional wellbeing -- working out with weights, pursuing your interest and talent with cars and mechanics, perhaps immersing yourself in your career, I would only offer that your womanly need for expression will never go away. It is implanted in your brain (and mine) from before birth. It will sometimes be sublimated as you choose to ignore it, dismiss it or fight it, but it will always be there, begging for release. It is the great challenge of good, decent people to somehow reconcile that seemingly impossible dilemma and live fulfilling lives. Some CD and trans men rationalize that their feminine self is a great gift, that they are special among men. I have been so impressed by your videos, as you show yourself to be a caring, decent person with a disarming, sensitive personality, as well as a flawlessly dressed, groomed and voiced truly beautiful woman. And you are generous with your tips and suggestions. You have made a serious commitment to expressing Paola and it shows. I only hope that those closest to you see that you have a special gift.
It’s so hard when the family gets involved with the way you want to be. However we did make commitments to them first even if we had our own desires to be another. One of life’s greatest challenges. Love you and hope you find happiness totally. Brenda
Please go together you and your wife to a cd ,trans life coach or self help group. You have helped me and others a lot . What you two are going through is a lot, ground and stabilize your mind body and soul. Be at peace love to you both . Josie
My prayers 🙏 are very much with you I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Everyone's situation is different & answering the question "Who am I?" is extremely difficult. I think you're a good person & you should enjoy *every* facet of your life. The mic works great BTW. You also look very pretty. Exercise definitely helps A LOT with anxiety 😬. You can strength train effectively without gaining bulk if done in a certain way - look into the super slow method. It would definitely be worth getting some counseling at some point to work through your feelings IMO. At some point you'll need to share those feelings with your wife, with great tact. You're definitely sacrificing something for the sake of your family - I believe that *IS* the right call BUT she needs to know that. Just avoid playing a "blame game". Is she OK with you dressing most/more of the time? That is key 🔑 to feeling girly for me anyway. Feminity is at least as much mental as physical/anatomical. If you can learn to enjoy the mental aspects (in addition to dressing) perhaps that might be enough? I considered transition a very very LONG time ago and back then the huge trade-offs just were not worth it, for me. It would have cost my career. I also enjoy(ed) certain aspects of my male life and male privilege I didn't want to give that up. My wife knows how important my Fem side is and when I'm feeling down or really stressed out she'll often suggest I change clothes. She also knows the right words and actions to affirm my Fem side and that's really nice. She's very good to me.
It's now or never issue that you have gone through... I felt this way while married especially the last several years of my marriage... That anxiety for me ended in a divorce and the loss of most of my life... It's taken a long time to get something back in my heart to feel loved again... these were issues it's taking a long time to get back to feeling happy....ultimately I chose to be able to breathe and not be crushed in my spirit... I'm sad I lost my freedom years ago... and it feels like you've lost your freedom too... My wish for you is to be unconditionally loved again so your soul and spirit can be happy again... it's so crazy that this binding contract called marriage is such a destructive energy for a few. I was one of the few but I found meaning for my own life... marriage for me was such a lonely experience... and finally being divorved opened a new way of life... if you need anything I will try to help you... I do know this about you breathing from your realness is important learning to live with your whole self is a healing...
Paola, Thank you for letting us know how things are going. The crossdressing/trans journey can be a difficult one but you & your wife will work this out. All the best.
I, am so sorry for you Girl, I understand,but as Transgender women... My frist time in my transition MTF... I, went though a detransioning in my life ... I, couldn't let her go inside me crying all these years... Now that ,I look back ,I regret my stopping my Transition MTF... I, Couldn't tell you what your thoughts and decisions are in what you Identify or should do... You have come a long way Girl, we are Facebook friends peace and love hug's always Annamarie
Very sorry you are feeling down. A few thoughts: -Plain old “time” might very well help. One would think that the body needs to readjust after stopping HRT. -Exercise is excellent. Plus, other hobbies. -I’ve already seen comments about therapy. You might want to consider that. Maybe not necessarily with a therapist who specializes only in transgender issues, but one who deals a lot with anxiety/depression in addition to being familiar with transgender issues. After watching 160+ of your videos, I am impressed with Paola the person. You come across as a caring, intelligent individual with excellent critical thinking skills. Down the road, you might want to consider adding new avenues for expressing your feminine side. I can see you writing a “My Crossdressing Life” eBook. Or creating a website dealing with crossdressing issues. You are that good.
I have been watching your channel for years. I have never commented. Just to let you know that I’m too put my wife first because she didn’t sign up to be married to a woman. Even though I would love to become one and I can’t hurt her that much. When she hurts I hurt. Good luck with whatever you choose to do love you either way.
Paola, you have received some lovely feedback from your supporters. But ultimately you know what heeds to happen. I wish you all the luck in the world as you navigate some very choppy waters.
Thank you for sharing about what you're going through, it's always a difficult choice dealing with present situations such as yours. And as other viewers have posted, you have thousands of supporters here. Don't despair, you are a very beautiful individual that has a purpose in life, don't give up. Stay with us as you are now a big part of our family here.
The anxiety and the gender dysphoria tends to grow as you get older. And it becomes harder and harder to control those feelings. Once my wife knew I was able to let go of what people expected of me and round her I could be this softer version of myself. I was able to respect her wishes partly because, I had to take care of her the last nine years of her life. That took up a lot of my energy and focus. But without her I could only move forward with my transition. I hated to keep working in my male job after she passed and have to live part time. I changed jobs two years ago and am now fulltime. I stayed in therapy the entire time until a year ago when the anxiety and dysphoria did not have a hold on me. It is very hard to live as the person everyone wants you to be and not as your true self. Take care of yourself. I really feel for what your are going through.
Hello my Love, I'm very sorry that you're not feeling well and I feel for you. I understand very well how you feel and don't feel. You once wrote to me be yourself and I can repeat the same to you. You are you, and only you are that. If you're unsure about your path, don't insist. I know only too well what it's like to inevitably continue on a path you've taken. Now it's time to clarify your feelings and give your psyche strength again. Then "your" path will clear up again. Whatever this will be, you are still you and please stay with you. At a time when I was mentally very, very bad and I no longer saw any point in continuing to live, I discovered your videos on UA-cam and got a small point of light in the deep black hole. Thank you very much Paola. That, together with a few other small points of light that gradually came up, helped me a lot to be able to believe in beautiful things again and then to develop a few thoughts for the future. I wish you strength and only the best. Feel hugged and pressed by me. I love you. Love from Frank who is also Marita. 😘🙋♀
I’m not going to deny your feelings about your HRT and or it’s side effects but here is how this goes! You are beautiful, humble and struggling is part of our lives. Stay confident! Stay positive keep your personality and keep your feelings first and foremost! I understand your end goal and your purpose with your wife and as it pertains to your marriage. You are you and are comfortable with who you are. I would like to speak up for you and I want to make sure you live your purpose first! There are accommodations that can be made but compromise is a habit in a relationship. Do you, I also would like to encourage you to not hide your conversations from your wife that is not an effective way of living. Paola(Page) you need to keep that form of communication open with your wife!!! I don’t want to see you hide, your are strong and courageous! Show it girl ❤
I understand. I feel different in my ties en femme. While I have to desire to transition, I have had bouts of depression because of times when life would not allow me that time. While en femme, my mannerisms, thoughts, and actions do change. I do feel more confident. I don't blend completely. so in public I'm not as self assured. But I am the same person. As I have talked with some MtF tramsitons, they do come to the place where they realize that many of the problems and concerns they had before transition are still there afterwards. For some they have reaized that they changed their bodies, but they are still the same basic person. For others the transition has been an answer. You are still the same person. You are beautiful and wonderful en femme. You have gifts that brought you the love of your wife and children. Be there for them no matter how you look. You are a blessing.
Mic works great first of all. I am 3 months HRT now and feel great. My wife does not know as she hates me crossdressing . We are separated and still living together. Once we figure a few things out I will hopefully have a job in Albuquerque, Arizona. Or Texas with my same employer. This way I can transfer and start as my true self. Do what is best for you. Here to listen.
i can only imagine how hard this is for you to go through. you are a strong woman. are there any support groups that you could join? certainly you are not the 1st woman to go through this. my prayers are with you as you.
My heart is with you. ❤ I am at 9 months on my journey, but this is the second go. The first time I had the same situation as my wife asked, but after 4 months of detransistioning, she asked me to go back to my happy trans life. The 4 months were hard and I too would put my wife and family before my happiness, but I guess I’m hoping she sees your situation and works with you. Your loved by your family and viewers being you! ❤
I understand the anxiety and not being able to talk to people even when you want to it's not weird it's a shame your wife is struggling with you transition and now your struggling going back but it's not going to go away and eventually you will need to talk to your wife I hope you all get through this hard time and we all love you too I hope all turns out well take care hun ps your microphone works well
I'm a straight male so it's to really hard to walk in your shoes. However, I have seen several of your video's, and I am empathic of your obvious pain. If you can't talk to your wife about this issue, I would also encourage you to seek outside counseling. I will say a prayer for to again find your peace and confidence again in your life. God Bless
Hi Paulo, thank you for sharing and being so open and honest. A lot of girls will recognise what you are gong through, I certainly do. As Tim and others suggest I hope you find the right support to help you steer yourself through this. My thoughts are with you xx
Hey I know how you feel 100%. I've been to hospital, thought I was having a heart attack but it was an anxiety attack. I personally have anxiety and depression it's not easy at all but you learn to live with it. Me as a crossdresser I crossdress but it doesn't have the same effect as what it used to when I was younger as Im getting older. I used to think I was trans but when I hit rock bottom last year I worked out very quick I wasn't. So that has been playing on me too. But you opening up her has shown me that what you are feeling is similar to me and I thank you. Hope you work out what helps you soon and always remember "it's not weak to speak". Thank you Paolo for this it's been a great insight.
LUV and kisses! You are the best, and like everyone else here, wishing that all works out for you and your family! You are loved and appreciated, no matter what the future holds❣
Paula I hope you are doing well. I miss your videos. They are so informative. But you need to continue to take time for yourself and your family! I hope you are coming to terms with the detransitioning. And that you and your whole family are doing ok. Be well friend. I don't know you other than just through your videos but you seem like such a GREAT person!
I can totally relate to this video. Mywife has said she doesn’t want to be married to a woman and if that’s what I want, wewill divorce. I want to stay as a family so I agreed that I wouldn’t transition. After being on hrt for 3+ years, I am dealing with bouts of depression and anxiety and sometimes just fel like I need to isolate . You are not alone.
I could only imagine how depressing it would be to see progress and then watch it reverse. Great thing you're doing for your wife and your family and your marriage.
this is so sad, but i understand your decision to keep your family together. thats a brave choice and you're so strong for sticking through this for the sake of your kids. They are so lucky to have a great parent like you Paola. Maybe try and suggest a marriage counselor? because it sounds like you're making a greater sacrifice in this situation and you might benefit from having a mediator to discuss your side of this with your wife. it appears that transitioning was the right choice for you, and your wife neeeds to learn that that is who you are, and she can love you still even though you're physically changing, emotionally and spiritually, you're developing, but that means you're building on who you are, rather than changing who you are. i wish you all the best in your journey, and if all else fails, at least you can sleep knowing you're it for the kids, and one day you can explain to them your sacrifice, so that they can learn from this. I hope maybe even one day, you and your wife can come to an agreement and she can let you transition to show your kids how to compromise in relationships. stay hopeful girl
Does anyone here have personal contact with Paola? If you do... NOT asking you to post it here... rather if you are someone in her circle of friends, please contact her, tell her how worried we all are... that we care. Maybe report back here... let us know if she is okay? She may be just taking a break for a while to deal with everything. We all need that sometimes... but I think many of us are just worried for her safety. Again, it wouldn't be appropriate to post any of her contact information here... but any of you have contact with Paola, just check in, let her know we care, and let us know if she is okay?
I have loved all of your videos. You are an inspiration to me. I consider myself a cross dresser but there are times I feel completely like a woman and I love it. I spend my weekends as a woman but I'm happy to live a home life as a woman. Love you girlfriend. Janet
Thanks for your wonderful video, mic worked very well, nothing weird about how you feel, I feel that way all the time myself, don't go out, have no friends, I remember when you stopped & sorry to hear that, don't think you will get over it, but I wish you blessings & hope you do well, wish you the best
I have struggled with mental health/self esteem/gender dysphoria since I was 7 and grew up with a mentally abusive father who constantly criticized how I looked on top of being a racist and homophobe among other things and he will never admit it a transphobe as well. transitioning for me going on 2 years of HRT and getting breast implants has been one of the most positive things in my life and being I have no plans on stopping but I don't have any real connections to other people except for my mom who is supportive of me since I never dated and lost all my friends years ago due to my mental illness and how I treat people when I am angry. if taking the hormones makes you happy and feel good over all then take them worrying about other peoples feelings just causes stress that does not help anything, your family should love you regardless of who you are and if they can't well that is their loss and they should be forgotten about
I could even tell from your last couple of videos that you are depressed Paola. Its like someone has taken your shine away. We all need something to spark our lives. The journey to becoming the most feminine version of yourself was obviously what was giving you your spark/sparkle. I hope you can re-calibrate and find joy in this new phase. Those hormones had started rewiring you and I think it will take time to undo the changes. Hopefully by this time next year (or sooner) you will be feeling your old self again and enjoying life as Paola. I wish you all the best as do all of your fans!
😢 So sad to hear you withdrawing and not living your true self. We get older everyday. We have to be true to ourselves, not someone else’s insecurity. People out here love you. ❤ Yes - the new mic is very clear!
I understand i have dealt with issues exactly like yours. Take care be kind to yourself. I recommend cardio lots of it and often. Just rest and relax adapt then go again
Paola sorry to hear about what is going on in your life right now but I do remember a video where you had said that you keep the cross dressing out of the bedroom but in reality being on HRT isn’t keeping it out of the bedroom and that is probably what is bothering your significant other and it probably makes her feel like she is lesbian which she doesn’t want to be because she loves the real you in bed the reason I’m saying this is because I’m going through the same thing with my wife and I had to like you take a step back and a very long look at her side I am kinda like you I love my wife sometimes more than life itself. Don’t give up like with my wife we are figuring out ways that both of us are happy which includes therapy which is what made me see her side you are very special and very beautiful just be careful that you don’t mess up your body with starting and stopping your HRT . Good luck and please love your wife even more because you two do definitely have a very special relationship that is worth saving!! Love you bunches and always in my prayers everything will work out if you work hard to come to a common ground and we all love you and hope you keep making these awesome videos. LOVE YOU ❤❤💕😍😍😍
If your wife really cares about you she’ll listen about all this I think communication is key in a relationship If you can’t be honest about this it’s a problem that will eat at you You need to tell her Explain why it’s important and how much better you feel on HRT I don’t know your situation fully but if your wife has told you to Detransition then that’s not right Only you should be making a choice like that It is your choice ultimately
You need to talk to your wife and tell her your feelings. Your emotional and mental health is just as important as your physical health. All of us can see and feel the pain you are experiencing and noticed the difference from when you got your hormones to when you decided to stop taking them. Don’t grow old and look back on your life and realize you made a mistake by not transitioning. I made that mistake and there isn’t a day go by, that l wish l would have followed my dream and became the woman l was meant to be,but for me it’s too late, but you are young and now is time to become the woman you were meant to be. If your wife really loves you and I am sure she does, she will want you to be happy. We only live once, there are no do overs.
I am no expert. But I know the exact feeling. It's clearly depression. And it may be because you're not fulfilling who you truly feel you are and because you love your wife and family you're almost forced to be stuck. You're not alone. Hang in there 🙏
I understand what you are going through. I am a transgender woman who is married to a nonaccepting spouse. I have continued with my HRT, but dress as male whenever she is around. I'm not sure what will happen with my relationship if I continue with my transition. I do know that if I stop my HRT, I will go back to feeling the worsening of the gender dysphoria with its depression and anxiety. I see a therapist every 2 weeks, and that may help you as well.. Good luck
Paola , I continue to live in my male closet year after year. I am much older than you and can tell you I have and do feel exactly as you do so many times. For me it is most likely too late to overcome my lifestyle which I am so sad about however you are much younger and hopefully will live the life you so much desire to live by making choices that make YOU happy. Remember most crossdressers have shame and guilt causing them to rethink their choices. As we all know emptying our closets of our female items thinking we can cleanse the feeling away never works out. After we are worn out with the discomfort of not having presented our feminine side we slide right back into our old ways which give us comfort. I wish I knew what I know today as my choices would have been much different. You have the toolset to be whom you feel comfortable being don’t let it slip away. ❤
Hello and I appreciate your videos I am gender fluid dress male and female. With that being said my wife asked me why when I'm dressed female I want to go out everywhere and clubs and dance all night. And when I am dressed male I have no interest to club or dance. I gave it a lot of thought and I figured it out. When I'm dressed female my heart is happy. And as male I'm ok with it at times I just feel some happiness but it's not deep. I think from hearing you it might be the same. When our heart is truly happy we just shine. When our heart is not totally happy we are just in the motion
The audio is perfect! You may be feeling as I did before starting HRT a year ago. I had accepted myself as Trans, but when I went out, always felt that people were staring at me and clocking me. HRT changed that; now, I KNOW that I'm really a girl, I don't worry, and I move about and interact freely with others. Some girls do manage without either surgery or HRT. If this is to be your fate, then I pray it will be successful.
My advice would be, talk to someone, during covid when we could meet in pairs, I would go for a run with various friends and discovered that it is easier to talk when walking or running, natural breaks at gates etc, scenery can cause a conversation, but with it came some deep conversations, one about the struggle with a teenage son, the other of note was a gay friend who told me stuff about his past in the 70/80s. It just came out naturally. It is only a suggestion. The other thing is, in the UK there are groups for men and I hope women, online and physical now, where we can talk openly about anything that is troubling us. Mentell has online groups which I know is accessed from oversea. Talk it does help long term
In a small way I can understand the pain you have. To have been able to express who you really are and then to have to put it all back in the box has to be so distressing. For various reasons, I have not been able to express my true self for a long time, forever it seems, and now with the help of a beautifully supportive doctor have been able to take baby steps. I've been able to "come out" to a few people who are supportive, but unfortunately my wife is not one of them. People tell me that I have to be me, but it's not them that have to deal with it. My thoughts and prayers to you on your journey.
You are so loveable and so cute. To go back to what makes others happy, what about your happiness, that is what matters. This is the way you were born and this is the way you should live. I wish that I could have gone as far as you did. People just don't understand.
I wish I had all the right words for you. I would suggest that you do talk to your wife about your feelings. This loss of happiness can effect you in ways that you will not even know. Being transgender is not easy. It really helps if you have an accepting family. I have struggled for decades because I tried to make everyone else happy. I felt like I could not make everyone else happy and be happy myself. I could not be the person I really was. During a long battle with cancer, I had decided that If I die, no one would know I was transgender but if I lived, I would try to live the remaining years as the person I felt that I was meant to be. I have been living as a woman for the past 5 years now. My wife and children are still part of my life thankfully. I wish you all the best.
Paulo you say confidence, I hear depression. Your life took two major changes in 2022. Please consider a trusted counselor. You value your marriage and you’re making a personal sacrifice. That’s okay, but you need to reconcile it. Find the joy in your relationships and passion in your activities. I think you’re awesome.
Live your best life for YOU. Not anyone else. You can be a mentally ill man, or a content woman. Find your inner strength and do what's right for you.
Love you for all your journeys of life. No matter where you are headed. Will always be here for you.
I think you‘re right! Working out helps against resignation in the moment you do it and the minutes after it but not against the inner struggle as a state now as it seems to be.
I‘d look for a good counselor too, someone who‘ll really listen and be there for you whatever you feel& like.
I used to do heavy weight lifting and extreme workouts and also worked in my career as a construction worker. I thought these activities would prevent and therefore stop me from being trans. This was before I ever began to do anything about my true feelings.
After all the self loathing, doubt and denial you discover it never goes away, it's just who we are and we have to except that to stay healthy and live fulfilling lives.
To what degree of how far we go is a choice, but its always there and usually gets stronger.
I agree completely with this comment. After watching this video I went back and watched the video from six months earlier talking about stopping HRT. The denial and cognitive dissonance is palpable. Mustering an air of confidence to talk about stopping your transition while essentially transitioning your car to make it everything you want *it* to be … imagine deciding to revert your car back to its basic factory state. At the end you say there are other factors you don’t have time to get into. It’s what you *don’t* say that speaks the loudest in these videos. It seems clear to me, to us, that you are pulling off the vinyl wrap and sequential LED lights of you because your wife is unwilling to accept you for you. I fully sympathize with your not wanting to lose her and your family, but don’t lose yourself in the process. If she loves you, she needs to understand who you truly are. If you try and conform to being someone else, you’re both going to lose much more eventually. Please find a couples counselor who is LGBT friendly and knowledgeable about trans issues. While I think you may be right about the dangers to your health and weight to be mindful of with HRT, I think you’re emphasizing those to deny acknowledging the real reasons for this reversal. But, in the end, it’s your journey, not mine, not ours. And that journey may entail a few twists, turns, and even U turns to find the right course. It’s okay to admit we don’t always have the map. Just get on that road and drive, and don’t stop being that amazing 370Z you know you can be.
Oh Paola,
My heart goes out to you when I see such an honest video. You are such a lovely person inside and out and have always been so helpful to your audience, we all wish we could offer you some advice that would help. You have been through a lot in recent years and I cried with you when you experienced such difficulties originally while trying to get on to HRT and I was so happy for you when that kind doctor finally listened to you. I think you have realised that you need to talk to a professional along with your wife to resolve these conflicts in your life. All I can do is offer to support you as you have done for me.
Your 1st sentence took the words right out of my mouth (keyboard)
Congratulations about the detransitioning. There is no such thing as “transitioning” and it’s a scam. Look into it. Your kids need their father and your wife is a got damn angel. Dude, I hope you are still alive. God intended you to be the most strong man that you can be.
When I started hormones I knew transitions was right for me. My wife saw me happier as I transitioned, despite the changes that did not please her. My doctor (a specialist) said that patient who feel better after hormones and blockers are the most successful in their transitions. Detransitioning is not easy if you are trans. Hope things get better and you find a path to true happiness.
I agree with everything Tim Rogers has said, Paola. As someone who has went through long periods of depression as well, I honestly think both you and your wife will greatly benefit finding a trusted marriage/family counselor. I've had counseling from a psychologist who greatly helped me in the past. Like you, I'm born male and I have a wonderful, beautiful, amazing wife who loves me unconditionally, even with my crossdressing. Thank you so much for sharing, and please know you're in my prayers and thoughts.
Hello Paolo, I really feel with you. This is a tough situation. Your videos and your authenticity speak volumes and you are valuable. No one can say what you should do. You do what is best for you.
Oh, Paola... I'm so sorry this is happening. You deserve all the unconditional love and support that you need, including supporting you in being the best and happiest you can be.
I hope you're able to do what's best for you.
I was so sad watching this. I truly cannot understand how you are feeling or what you are going through. What struck me is a person who is sacrificing what was building confidence and hapiness for family security and peace. On the one hand you have self fulfillment and on the other a possible loss of wife and family. You said being married that transitioning was selfish, so I feel a major decision has to be revisited. You are a kind very honest and loving person and your many fans love you and pray for your future
Thanks for sharing this with us. I realize what you are going through is rough. Just remember that you have thousands of supporters and don't think for a minute that you aren't loved. Focus on yourself because you are the only person you need to satisfy. Transitioning does not mean not supporting people that depend on you but, how can you support them if you can't be yourself?
Paola, first of all … you’re awesome. You are strong! Your are beautiful and you are wonderful for all you have done and shared here. I want you to know that “You” is a personal thing and I am strengthened by you and I have only watched a few dozen of your videos. Ps. I love the side lights on the z! Please know that online I have found happiness and peace listening to you and think you have such a wonderful spirit. Lifting weights has helped me tone up and many of my girlfriends are tougher than me. I struggle to keep up with them. Life is a journey and thank you for sharing the truth. Most people still wear a mask. I love you ❤ and I can’t wait to hear of the the new page in your book of life!
Thank you for being so frank and honest in your videos. It has been so refreshing following your life, because it is real. Big hugs. Phil
I can feel for you. I came out to my wife about 30 years ago. I started going out and being who I was. After 3years she still had problems with this, and I stopped going out . The stress and anxiety was eating me up.over the years.
I felt like nobody. Since then, I recently started an antidepressant and HRT- just estradiol. It has helped me cope with my inner feelings. I still don’t go out but my wife understands now how I feel. I do dress at home on occasion. Nothing big. It keeps both of us comfortable. It is a tough line to walk ! I hope you find a comfortable spot in you that works for both of you.
Take care, be safe!
Everybody is different when it comes down to mental issues. In my case, lots of counseling help my trans girlfriend and I. I met her when she was crossdressing and although she always have looked very feminine like you, she decided to make the transition. I supported her all the way but mid along the way she decided not to keep on going with the treatment for her mental health. We went back to counseling and it finally ended up helping her decide to keep the treatment. Although it took quite a bit, we are now in a much happier place. Hopefully you will get there as well whenever you're ready. All the best to you.
You are great. I hope you can keep making the videos that make you happy. I miss your car videos, you are so happy when showing up the guys at Auto Zone😂. I miss your joy. Be your self. You are great.
I am sorry you're having to live in the "middle" of your true self. I have just started HRT and am so happy, almost euphoric. I am truly a late bloomer to this, however I've felt those same feelings throughout my entire life. I hope you find your own way and come through this to the other side more fulfilled and feeling that "happy, bubbly feeling you once enjoyed. Positive thoughts coming your way.
That age old saying of " you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube" is probably the best analogy!!.i tried for 62 years to keep it bottled up and hidden for decades. Doing that effected my wife and kids immensely. Alcohol and Workaholic was my coping mechanism...both very unhealthy I know. I missed so much of my life trying to cope and hide that it eventually was causing me paralyzing anxiety and depression. I came out officially to my wife at age 55 (she already knew) and obviously didn't take well so I kept it bottled up for another 7 years. I had just turned 62 August 2022 and she finally sat me down and told me I need to try hrt. She could see how detached I was from everything socially to include family. I was there physically yet not there mentally if that makes sense. I've been married 35 years so this has been a really longtime for me! I told my wife "im sorry that I'm broken" and her reply was "YOUR NOT BROKEN and I won't ever leave you"!!! We've become closer then ever since then. I hope and pray you can find the peace you deserve. You know where to find me on fb and can DM me at any time if you need to talk or vent. 💘 💜 💛 💚
Souls, remember this verse:
2 Timothy 3:16
All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:
Which clears out the question(complains) that bible is man written, IT IS NOT.
Our sinful nature allows not to write any which were written into the bible.
Nor can any man see future, unless GOD has given him visions.
Joel 2:28
And it shall come to pass afterward, that I will pour out my spirit upon all flesh; and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, your old men shall dream dreams, your young men shall see visions:
Acts 2:17
And it shall come to pass in the last days, saith God, I will pour out of my Spirit upon all flesh: and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, and your young men shall see visions, and your old men shall dream dreams:
Galatians 3:22
But the scripture hath concluded all under sin, that the promise by faith of Jesus Christ might be given to them that believe.
Galatians 3:8
And the scripture, foreseeing that God would justify the heathen through faith, preached before the gospel unto Abraham, saying, In thee shall all nations be blessed.
(My advice to many souls out there, don´t believe all the diagnoses the "dr" give you. )
- trans
- autistic,
- having PTSD,
Whatever the diagnoses may be.
@@theharshtruthoutthere what would you say PTSD is?
Hi sweetie. I can absolutely empathize with you. Several months ago, and after being on HRT for four years, I stopped HRT cold turkey. Like you, things had happened in my life that made me wonder if I had made the right choice to transition in the first place.
It was awful. I suffered headaches for ten days, stomach cramps and nausea, and I swear I could feel the testosterone cruising through my veins. My genitals ached like no ones business. Then, to top it off, I was depressed again. I remembered that special taste of depression. That's when I remembered why I had transitioned to begin with; to be one with the feminine that I had longed for all my life.
I resumed HRT and have felt much better. I think the reason I detransitioned to begin with was because I missed my family and friends. They all left when I announced that I was transitioning. I suppose I just had to be at peace with the fact that I may have lost them. Although my mother contacted me for the first time in the last five years to tell me "Merry Christmas, I love you." So that felt great as you can imagine.
I'm not married like you and I don't have any children. So that's a huge difference between you and me. But I can appreciate the changes that affect one's genitalia while on HRT. I suppose if I were in your shoes and I wanted to continue HRT, I would seek out another couple going through the same thing. Just to get some feedback and see if they incorporated any type of strap-on during their love making and ask if they were cool with that.
I wish you all the best. I haven't watched your videos in the past few years but I watched you often when you just cross dressed. I found a great deal of comfort then. I hope you'll be able to find a little of the same in this comment. Luv and Hugs, Jackie 💐💃
My story was pretty much like yours. I got on HRT after years of knowing I was trans, after that first shot I felt so good I ended up driving my kid 1200 miles non stop, no sleep, to an amusement park and actually had fun for the first time in years and smiled. I was at the time involved in a thruple, one women knew for years before I was even on HRT, the other didn't, at first she claimed to be ok with it, then after I had FFS she changed her mind and gave me a ultimatum. I detransitioned for about a year, my anxiety came back worse then before HRT, depression took over, I was in a dark place. I blew so much money on distractions and hobbies, none of them helped. Then one day I just decided I couldn't give up that freedom after having a taste of it anymore, and told her she had to accept it if she wanted me, which she eventually did. Good luck with whatever you ultimately decide.
Only postponing the inevitable which always gets harder the longer you put it off. Emotionally and financially for everyone involved. If you were up front and honest then the women in your life knew who you were before hand. Don’t feel guilty , they signed up for it.
@@brainfreeze9653 I wouldn't had if children weren't involved, her daughter really needed someone positive in her life. It always baffled me anyway, about why she would care if she was bisexual anyway.
1200 miles non stop?
@@redneck7929 troll comment?
Oh I feel so much of what you’re saying. My biggest fear is how it would affect my wife if I transitioned, so I never did. But I always feel like I wasn’t true to myself. Im very conflicted.
Hi,
I truly feel for you as I have had many similar situations and still do.
I don't think this ever leaves us.
Either way remember this life is an adventure and can feel like a roller coaster. It's all good and know you are truly loved.
Mike works fine. I wish you and your family All the happiest. Hope everything works out well.
Thank you for posting this. I can relate to it completely. Try to stay strong. We all have to find a path, that can take time. I am almost 60, and I am just getting to a happier place. Xxx
Being trans is a sentence for life, it never stops. We must find a way of expressing our full self without hurting our loved ones. Keeping in very close contact with our wives and allowing her to be involved in the process will help.
I went to see a psychiatrist & psychologist in 2015 to find out HOW NOT to TRANSITION,..... it didn't work. !
My wife and I get on well years later.
Paola, you're story really touched me. I totally understand your situation. My wife knew of my dressing when we first got together 20 years ago and she was supportive at first, but when we got serious she started changing her tune. She never outright said to stop, but I was getting the "vibe" that she didn't want it to continue and just wanted her husband. So I put it away and convinced myself I didn't need Milyssa in my life anymore, and tried to be a good husband for 17 years. It wasn't until a couple of months after she suddenly passed away last November that I started entertaining the idea of dressing again. And once I started the genie was let out of the bottle and Milyssa is now back with a vengeance. But I completely understand the turmoil you feel inside, of having to give up a part of yourself to make your marriage work. That's such a tough decision, and marriage is about compromise. But I will also say this -- be true to yourself as much as possible. It's your life and you deserve to be happy. I know that doesn't help right now, and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Life has a way of working things out, and I hope they work out for you for the best. Just know you have support here if you need it.
Paola-
Anything I say is just my opinion, I am not a trained medical professional or therapist. It is all based on my own experience, where I was on HRT for like 5 years and was forced to make the same kind of decision you did for similar reasons, it is a huge sacrifice, this is literally giving up a part of yourself. In my case looking back now almost 20 years, I realize that the decision I made was the right one for my family, the consequences if I had transitioned would have been my family breaking up and it would have totally trashed my child's dreams, I saw that then and made my decision.
What you did is one of the most difficult things someone can do. What you described when being on HRT was for the first time in your life, you were feeling like yourself, fully integrated. When you looked in the mirror you saw yourself, even though given how relatively you were on HRT, the changes likely hadn't really hit (the emotional ones probably did). When you integrate your confidence goes up, you are you to the world, if that makes sense, it is a feeling of peace with oneself and confidence things are right.
When you decide to revert/detransition, there is some physical effect from stopping HRT, though honestly I didn't really feel that much from that. But what happens when you revert like that is in a sense, you are rejecting yourself. In my case I went back to what I had always done, live up in my head, and I paid a price for that, isolated myself, and put on well hell of an acting job. I sacrificed having friends, just didn't want any living as a man, and other things. It doesn't mean I have been absolutely miserable but I have spent the last number of years every day with a discconnect from who I play in the world, a father and a working guy and who I really am. I haven't even really dressed much over this time, because quite honestly it didn't really fit the bill, and coming back again is too hard. I am still wrestling with trying to find some of that magic, but not sure I'll ever find that.
What you are describing is an old friend, depression, and it is not surprising. Depression is rage turned inward, at a situation that is causing pain and discomfort. Exercise is a natural anti depressant, strength training especially.
I don't have a magic cure obvious, I put my head down and bulled through, with the things that needed to be done, but take it from me, it isn't perfect. I obviously have joy in what my child has done, they really have found their passion because of my sacrifice. I am sure my wife was happy I buried it, though in recent years she has been a lot more sympathetic. Sadly, we are talking about things we should have talked about then, things I am sorry to say our therapist didn't handle right with us. I don't know if it woud have allowed me to transition, I doubt it, but it may have allowed some middle ground.
My only advice is don't be me, don't try to bull through it. You wife in many ways is a lot more open than my wife ultimately was or most wives, and it could be through therapy you can come to a place where you have happiness but it doesn't threaten your family. Without intruding on your privacy, from watching your videos when you decided to detransition, it sounds like your wife resented the very self centered nature of it (and not gonna claim I was any different), it is very easy to get caught up in the excitement of finding yourself, then losing sight of other things and that can make something difficult like transition on a spouse even more difficult.
I can't say if going to therapy individually and with your wife will lead to the pot at the end of the rainbow, I can tell you not trying, doing what I did, won't solve anything. Why leave yourself with anything but as much joy as you can have given the bounds you feel you have with your life? Whether it is being happy being a part time Transgender woman or 'merely' a CD, the one thing I can tell you is that it will be better than what I did (or didn't do). It isn't like I haven't had joy in my life or fun, but the low level, continual depression and the coping mechanisms I use probably have made the joy or fun a lot less strong or frequent than if I had worked it out, whatever that was and the continual disconnect has put a pall on a lot of things.
Obviously, wishing you anything but the best and again, this is just my experience, everyone is different, hopefully this helps.
@Clarry
Gee what a clever response. When someone opens up and talks about themselves it isn't like talking about shoes. You don't like detailed responses,don't read them.
Your comment was good and your narrative is valuable. Whether or not Paola will read it is another story!
@Clarry Get some rest buddy.
@Clarry It’s what your dad says. To you. When he’s done slammin’ that ass.
@Clarry 😄
Your beautiful and so are your words and feeling. Sems like stop taking HRT has taking a happy part of your happy life away. I wish and pray your happiness returns soon
Great video Paola, you look fantastic .
i tried to push it away for many years for my kids,BAD IDEA!!! I tried to unalive myself 5 times over the years ..Almost 2 yrs ago i said screw this and finally transitioned now on thursday im getting bottom surgery !!BE YOU GIRL! I still workout all the time!!! the more muscular you get the worse its gonna be!Now my workouts are more legs and glutes no more top workouts!!Girl i could talk to you for hrs about this ,i went thru it all!!
I agree. Divorced - but we are both happy with the way things turned out.
Wish you all the best, hope everything will fall into place.
I understand why your doin this and I can respect that but honestly girl you gotta be able to be who you are and be your beautiful self your my friend and I care about your happiness seeing you like this just makes me wish I could reach threw the screen and hug you I will always always be here for you no matter what I always got time for you night or day if you ever need to talk I’m here where so much alike so I know how you feel I know I don’t say this much but I love you girl I hope you can find someone to talk to even if it’s not me
I am trans. Hid most of my life. I'm 57 came out about 3 years ago. It was very hard coming out but I have found hiding it I was always sad inside. Now out my heart is fully happy .just be you it's the greatest happiness
My heart goes out to you. I really hope things work out for you soon girl. I hate to see you so sad. Xo 🥺💜
Live your life the way you want to
Your sacrifice for the sake of ur marriage and family is a show of real strength and selflessness. I’m in a similar situation for the last 7 years I’ve wanted to transition but for the sake of my family I don’t. Just hold strong, because our decisions affect more than just ourselves (: your wife has a lot of love for u to work thru this with u
You're still pretty! And the mic works well and I hope to see more videos! You're such a sweet and kind person with a good personality.
So sorry to hear of this for you. The bottom line is that this is at best hard within a family setting. The dynamics started with a man and a woman, the added member of the "new woman" does create added stress to the family. In all fairness to your marriage, you need to be the person she bargained for before you were married. I get all of the reasons that she should accept you for who you really are but in total fairness, she was looking for a different life.
I can only imagine the depth of strain it is placing on you personally. you know on the one hand who you are fully and were headed in that direction. You got thrown a stop directive. How frustrating, painful, and yet reasonable.
We place so much stock on us just being who we want to be that we forget that the other person in the marriage only has some say in how things go. To the extreme, if you were doing massive drug of the nonlegal kind and were exhibiting behaviors that were not consistent with what she thinks make the family work she would ask the same thing.
I know a very extreme example, but the message is understood. you are the one changing things up and have a choice to make, go or stay, transition or don't, seek a middle ground of some sort and be happy with that knowing that is all you get, or just move along.
These are at best painful, gut-wrenching decisions but in all honesty, we men of a different flag ask a lot of the women. they fell in love with a concept and a person, when we alter that and then find it is not fully accepted that is on us. As is the solution.
Best of luck to you, the pain you feel is understood and palpable. I wish you and your family well and hope you can find that sweet spot to live happily within.
New Mic is great. You are amazing and love seeing your videos.
Continue working out Paola, the endorphins released are a great natural high. Exercise is great for mental health. You look wonderful as is, please don't fret about your appearance. And I could hear you perfectly with this mic 💙
A wonderfully courageous, direct and and honest video. In a fairly short and sincere talk, you have confronted the vexing dilemma that so many crossdressers and trans people face who are torn between their loved ones, families and careers, and their feminine selves.
As you turn away from hormones and transitioning, and toward "guy mode" for the sake of your loving wife and family, and hoped for emotional wellbeing -- working out with weights, pursuing your interest and talent with cars and mechanics, perhaps immersing yourself in your career, I would only offer that your womanly need for expression will never go away. It is implanted in your brain (and mine) from before birth. It will sometimes be sublimated as you choose to ignore it, dismiss it or fight it, but it will always be there, begging for release. It is the great challenge of good, decent people to somehow reconcile that seemingly impossible dilemma and live fulfilling lives.
Some CD and trans men rationalize that their feminine self is a great gift, that they are special among men. I have been so impressed by your videos, as you show yourself to be a caring, decent person with a disarming, sensitive personality, as well as a flawlessly dressed, groomed and voiced truly beautiful woman. And you are generous with your tips and suggestions. You have made a serious commitment to expressing Paola and it shows. I only hope that those closest to you see that you have a special gift.
It’s so hard when the family gets involved with the way you want to be. However we did make commitments to them first even if we had our own desires to be another. One of life’s greatest challenges. Love you and hope you find happiness totally. Brenda
Please go together you and your wife to a cd ,trans life coach or self help group. You have helped me and others a lot . What you two are going through is a lot, ground and stabilize your mind body and soul. Be at peace love to you both . Josie
My prayers 🙏 are very much with you I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Everyone's situation is different & answering the question "Who am I?" is extremely difficult. I think you're a good person & you should enjoy *every* facet of your life. The mic works great BTW. You also look very pretty.
Exercise definitely helps A LOT with anxiety 😬. You can strength train effectively without gaining bulk if done in a certain way - look into the super slow method.
It would definitely be worth getting some counseling at some point to work through your feelings IMO. At some point you'll need to share those feelings with your wife, with great tact. You're definitely sacrificing something for the sake of your family - I believe that *IS* the right call BUT she needs to know that. Just avoid playing a "blame game".
Is she OK with you dressing most/more of the time? That is key 🔑 to feeling girly for me anyway.
Feminity is at least as much mental as physical/anatomical. If you can learn to enjoy the mental aspects (in addition to dressing) perhaps that might be enough?
I considered transition a very very LONG time ago and back then the huge trade-offs just were not worth it, for me. It would have cost my career. I also enjoy(ed) certain aspects of my male life and male privilege I didn't want to give that up.
My wife knows how important my Fem side is and when I'm feeling down or really stressed out she'll often suggest I change clothes. She also knows the right words and actions to affirm my Fem side and that's really nice. She's very good to me.
It's now or never issue that you have gone through... I felt this way while married especially the last several years of my marriage... That anxiety for me ended in a divorce and the loss of most of my life... It's taken a long time to get something back in my heart to feel loved again... these were issues it's taking a long time to get back to feeling happy....ultimately I chose to be able to breathe and not be crushed in my spirit... I'm sad I lost my freedom years ago... and it feels like you've lost your freedom too... My wish for you is to be unconditionally loved again so your soul and spirit can be happy again... it's so crazy that this binding contract called marriage is such a destructive energy for a few. I was one of the few but I found meaning for my own life... marriage for me was such a lonely experience... and finally being divorved opened a new way of life... if you need anything I will try to help you... I do know this about you breathing from your realness is important learning to live with your whole self is a healing...
It's great that you talk about this. I won't give any advice, I am sure you will find your own way.
Paola,
Thank you for letting us know how things are going. The crossdressing/trans journey can be a difficult one but you & your wife will work this out. All the best.
Ty for posting your videos.
Im MTF transgender
Abd i applaud you for your lifestyle, your videos, and your input.🎉
I, am so sorry for you Girl, I understand,but as Transgender women... My frist time in my transition MTF... I, went though a detransioning in my life ... I, couldn't let her go inside me crying all these years... Now that ,I look back ,I regret my stopping my Transition MTF... I, Couldn't tell you what your thoughts and decisions are in what you Identify or should do... You have come a long way Girl, we are Facebook friends peace and love hug's always Annamarie
Stay brave you are an inspiration for others to follow as your telling it hope it really is for most of us
Very sorry you are feeling down.
A few thoughts:
-Plain old “time” might very well help. One would think that the body needs to readjust after stopping HRT.
-Exercise is excellent. Plus, other hobbies.
-I’ve already seen comments about therapy. You might want to consider that. Maybe not necessarily with a therapist who specializes only in transgender issues, but one who deals a lot with anxiety/depression in addition to being familiar with transgender issues.
After watching 160+ of your videos, I am impressed with Paola the person. You come across as a caring, intelligent individual with excellent critical thinking skills. Down the road, you might want to consider adding new avenues for expressing your feminine side. I can see you writing a “My Crossdressing Life” eBook. Or creating a website dealing with crossdressing issues. You are that good.
I have been watching your channel for years. I have never commented. Just to let you know that I’m too put my wife first because she didn’t sign up to be married to a woman. Even though I would love to become one and I can’t hurt her that much. When she hurts I hurt. Good luck with whatever you choose to do love you either way.
Paola, you have received some lovely feedback from your supporters. But ultimately you know what heeds to happen. I wish you all the luck in the world as you navigate some very choppy waters.
Thank you for sharing about what you're going through, it's always a difficult choice dealing with present situations such as yours. And as other viewers have posted, you have thousands of supporters here. Don't despair, you are a very beautiful individual that has a purpose in life, don't give up. Stay with us as you are now a big part of our family here.
The anxiety and the gender dysphoria tends to grow as you get older. And it becomes harder and harder to control those feelings. Once my wife knew I was able to let go of what people expected of me and round her I could be this softer version of myself. I was able to respect her wishes partly because, I had to take care of her the last nine years of her life. That took up a lot of my energy and focus. But without her I could only move forward with my transition. I hated to keep working in my male job after she passed and have to live part time. I changed jobs two years ago and am now fulltime. I stayed in therapy the entire time until a year ago when the anxiety and dysphoria did not have a hold on me. It is very hard to live as the person everyone wants you to be and not as your true self. Take care of yourself. I really feel for what your are going through.
Hello my Love, I'm very sorry that you're not feeling well and I feel for you. I understand very well how you feel and don't feel. You once wrote to me be yourself and I can repeat the same to you. You are you, and only you are that. If you're unsure about your path, don't insist. I know only too well what it's like to inevitably continue on a path you've taken. Now it's time to clarify your feelings and give your psyche strength again. Then "your" path will clear up again. Whatever this will be, you are still you and please stay with you. At a time when I was mentally very, very bad and I no longer saw any point in continuing to live, I discovered your videos on UA-cam and got a small point of light in the deep black hole. Thank you very much Paola. That, together with a few other small points of light that gradually came up, helped me a lot to be able to believe in beautiful things again and then to develop a few thoughts for the future. I wish you strength and only the best. Feel hugged and pressed by me. I love you.
Love from Frank who is also Marita. 😘🙋♀
I’m not going to deny your feelings about your HRT and or it’s side effects but here is how this goes! You are beautiful, humble and struggling is part of our lives. Stay confident! Stay positive keep your personality and keep your feelings first and foremost! I understand your end goal and your purpose with your wife and as it pertains to your marriage. You are you and are comfortable with who you are. I would like to speak up for you and I want to make sure you live your purpose first! There are accommodations that can be made but compromise is a habit in a relationship. Do you, I also would like to encourage you to not hide your conversations from your wife that is not an effective way of living. Paola(Page) you need to keep that form of communication open with your wife!!! I don’t want to see you hide, your are strong and courageous! Show it girl ❤
I understand. I feel different in my ties en femme. While I have to desire to transition, I have had bouts of depression because of times when life would not allow me that time. While en femme, my mannerisms, thoughts, and actions do change. I do feel more confident. I don't blend completely. so in public I'm not as self assured. But I am the same person. As I have talked with some MtF tramsitons, they do come to the place where they realize that many of the problems and concerns they had before transition are still there afterwards. For some they have reaized that they changed their bodies, but they are still the same basic person. For others the transition has been an answer. You are still the same person. You are beautiful and wonderful en femme. You have gifts that brought you the love of your wife and children. Be there for them no matter how you look. You are a blessing.
Mic works great first of all. I am 3 months HRT now and feel great. My wife does not know as she hates me crossdressing . We are separated and still living together. Once we figure a few things out I will hopefully have a job in Albuquerque, Arizona. Or Texas with my same employer. This way I can transfer and start as my true self. Do what is best for you. Here to listen.
We miss you Paola !!
Is up and down. For me sometime is when I least expected., like in simple moves. You are a great girl, and you will fight.
Paola, You do what is best for you and your Family. Best of luck!
We hope to see or at least hear from you this year, please know that you are missed no matter what you decided to do.
i can only imagine how hard this is for you to go through. you are a strong woman. are there any support groups that you could join? certainly you are not the 1st woman to go through this. my prayers are with you as you.
My heart is with you. ❤ I am at 9 months on my journey, but this is the second go. The first time I had the same situation as my wife asked, but after 4 months of detransistioning, she asked me to go back to my happy trans life. The 4 months were hard and I too would put my wife and family before my happiness, but I guess I’m hoping she sees your situation and works with you. Your loved by your family and viewers being you! ❤
I understand the anxiety and not being able to talk to people even when you want to it's not weird it's a shame your wife is struggling with you transition and now your struggling going back but it's not going to go away and eventually you will need to talk to your wife I hope you all get through this hard time and we all love you too I hope all turns out well take care hun ps your microphone works well
Love your outfit 😍, you are gorgeous 😍❤💕💗💖😘.
I hope the best for you beautiful. Your videos have been so good for me as I began crossdressing.
I'm a straight male so it's to really hard to walk in your shoes. However, I have seen several of your video's, and I am empathic of your obvious pain. If you
can't talk to your wife about this issue, I would also encourage you to seek outside counseling. I will say a prayer for to again find your peace and confidence
again in your life. God Bless
Hi Paulo, thank you for sharing and being so open and honest. A lot of girls will recognise what you are gong through, I certainly do. As Tim and others suggest I hope you find the right support to help you steer yourself through this. My thoughts are with you xx
Just stopped by to say hello and I hope that youre well. I think of you often and will always be forever grateful for your videos. Take care hon xx
thankyou for sharing, with us...I for one will be right here for you in support... time will help you in your decisions.... lots of ❤️ xx
Much love and support for you my sister. Stay strong your journey grows
Hey I know how you feel 100%. I've been to hospital, thought I was having a heart attack but it was an anxiety attack. I personally have anxiety and depression it's not easy at all but you learn to live with it. Me as a crossdresser I crossdress but it doesn't have the same effect as what it used to when I was younger as Im getting older. I used to think I was trans but when I hit rock bottom last year I worked out very quick I wasn't. So that has been playing on me too. But you opening up her has shown me that what you are feeling is similar to me and I thank you. Hope you work out what helps you soon and always remember "it's not weak to speak". Thank you Paolo for this it's been a great insight.
LUV and kisses! You are the best, and like everyone else here, wishing that all works out for you and your family! You are loved and appreciated, no matter what the future holds❣
Paula I hope you are doing well. I miss your videos. They are so informative. But you need to continue to take time for yourself and your family! I hope you are coming to terms with the detransitioning. And that you and your whole family are doing ok. Be well friend. I don't know you other than just through your videos but you seem like such a GREAT person!
I can totally relate to this video. Mywife has said she doesn’t want to be married to a woman and if that’s what I want, wewill divorce. I want to stay as a family so I agreed that I wouldn’t transition. After being on hrt for 3+ years, I am dealing with bouts of depression and anxiety and sometimes just fel like I need to isolate . You are not alone.
I could only imagine how depressing it would be to see progress and then watch it reverse. Great thing you're doing for your wife and your family and your marriage.
this is so sad, but i understand your decision to keep your family together. thats a brave choice and you're so strong for sticking through this for the sake of your kids. They are so lucky to have a great parent like you Paola. Maybe try and suggest a marriage counselor? because it sounds like you're making a greater sacrifice in this situation and you might benefit from having a mediator to discuss your side of this with your wife. it appears that transitioning was the right choice for you, and your wife neeeds to learn that that is who you are, and she can love you still even though you're physically changing, emotionally and spiritually, you're developing, but that means you're building on who you are, rather than changing who you are. i wish you all the best in your journey, and if all else fails, at least you can sleep knowing you're it for the kids, and one day you can explain to them your sacrifice, so that they can learn from this. I hope maybe even one day, you and your wife can come to an agreement and she can let you transition to show your kids how to compromise in relationships. stay hopeful girl
Does anyone here have personal contact with Paola? If you do... NOT asking you to post it here... rather if you are someone in her circle of friends, please contact her, tell her how worried we all are... that we care. Maybe report back here... let us know if she is okay? She may be just taking a break for a while to deal with everything. We all need that sometimes... but I think many of us are just worried for her safety. Again, it wouldn't be appropriate to post any of her contact information here... but any of you have contact with Paola, just check in, let her know we care, and let us know if she is okay?
I have loved all of your videos. You are an inspiration to me. I consider myself a cross dresser but there are times I feel completely like a woman and I love it. I spend my weekends as a woman but I'm happy to live a home life as a woman. Love you girlfriend. Janet
Thanks for your wonderful video, mic worked very well, nothing weird about how you feel, I feel that way all the time myself, don't go out, have no friends,
I remember when you stopped & sorry to hear that, don't think you will get over it, but I wish you blessings & hope you do well, wish you the best
I have struggled with mental health/self esteem/gender dysphoria since I was 7 and grew up with a mentally abusive father who constantly criticized how I looked on top of being a racist and homophobe among other things and he will never admit it a transphobe as well. transitioning for me going on 2 years of HRT and getting breast implants has been one of the most positive things in my life and being I have no plans on stopping but I don't have any real connections to other people except for my mom who is supportive of me since I never dated and lost all my friends years ago due to my mental illness and how I treat people when I am angry. if taking the hormones makes you happy and feel good over all then take them worrying about other peoples feelings just causes stress that does not help anything, your family should love you regardless of who you are and if they can't well that is their loss and they should be forgotten about
I could even tell from your last couple of videos that you are depressed Paola. Its like someone has taken your shine away. We all need something to spark our lives. The journey to becoming the most feminine version of yourself was obviously what was giving you your spark/sparkle. I hope you can re-calibrate and find joy in this new phase. Those hormones had started rewiring you and I think it will take time to undo the changes. Hopefully by this time next year (or sooner) you will be feeling your old self again and enjoying life as Paola. I wish you all the best as do all of your fans!
😢 So sad to hear you withdrawing and not living your true self. We get older everyday. We have to be true to ourselves, not someone else’s insecurity. People out here love you. ❤ Yes - the new mic is very clear!
I understand i have dealt with issues exactly like yours. Take care be kind to yourself. I recommend cardio lots of it and often. Just rest and relax adapt then go again
Paola sorry to hear about what is going on in your life right now but I do remember a video where you had said that you keep the cross dressing out of the bedroom but in reality being on HRT isn’t keeping it out of the bedroom and that is probably what is bothering your significant other and it probably makes her feel like she is lesbian which she doesn’t want to be because she loves the real you in bed the reason I’m saying this is because I’m going through the same thing with my wife and I had to like you take a step back and a very long look at her side I am kinda like you I love my wife sometimes more than life itself. Don’t give up like with my wife we are figuring out ways that both of us are happy which includes therapy which is what made me see her side you are very special and very beautiful just be careful that you don’t mess up your body with starting and stopping your HRT . Good luck and please love your wife even more because you two do definitely have a very special relationship that is worth saving!! Love you bunches and always in my prayers everything will work out if you work hard to come to a common ground and we all love you and hope you keep making these awesome videos. LOVE YOU ❤❤💕😍😍😍
If your wife really cares about you she’ll listen about all this
I think communication is key in a relationship
If you can’t be honest about this it’s a problem that will eat at you
You need to tell her
Explain why it’s important and how much better you feel on HRT
I don’t know your situation fully but if your wife has told you to Detransition then that’s not right
Only you should be making a choice like that
It is your choice ultimately
You need to talk to your wife and tell her your feelings. Your emotional and mental health is just as important as your physical health. All of us can see and feel the pain you are experiencing and noticed the difference from when you got your hormones to when you decided to stop taking them. Don’t grow old and look back on your life and realize you made a mistake by not transitioning. I made that mistake and there isn’t a day go by, that l wish l would have followed my dream and became the woman l was meant to be,but for me it’s too late, but you are young and now is time to become the woman you were meant to be. If your wife really loves you and I am sure she does, she will want you to be happy. We only live once, there are no do overs.
Big difference on sound, quality & volume. Lovely, as always
I am no expert. But I know the exact feeling. It's clearly depression. And it may be because you're not fulfilling who you truly feel you are and because you love your wife and family you're almost forced to be stuck.
You're not alone. Hang in there 🙏
I understand what you are going through. I am a transgender woman who is married to a nonaccepting spouse. I have continued with my HRT, but dress as male whenever she is around. I'm not sure what will happen with my relationship if I continue with my transition. I do know that if I stop my HRT, I will go back to feeling the worsening of the gender dysphoria with its depression and anxiety. I see a therapist every 2 weeks, and that may help you as well.. Good luck
Paola , I continue to live in my male closet year after year. I am much older than you and can tell you I have and do feel exactly as you do so many times. For me it is most likely too late to overcome my lifestyle which I am so sad about however you are much younger and hopefully will live the life you so much desire to live by making choices that make YOU happy. Remember most crossdressers have shame and guilt causing them to rethink their choices. As we all know emptying our closets of our female items thinking we can cleanse the feeling away never works out. After we are worn out with the discomfort of not having presented our feminine side we slide right back into our old ways which give us comfort. I wish I knew what I know today as my choices would have been much different. You have the toolset to be whom you feel comfortable being don’t let it slip away. ❤
Hello and I appreciate your videos I am gender fluid dress male and female. With that being said my wife asked me why when I'm dressed female I want to go out everywhere and clubs and dance all night. And when I am dressed male I have no interest to club or dance. I gave it a lot of thought and I figured it out. When I'm dressed female my heart is happy. And as male I'm ok with it at times I just feel some happiness but it's not deep. I think from hearing you it might be the same. When our heart is truly happy we just shine. When our heart is not totally happy we are just in the motion
I am hoping for the best for you, I am always inspired by your content, I think you are a wonderful woman, blessings!❤️
The audio is perfect! You may be feeling as I did before starting HRT a year ago. I had accepted myself as Trans, but when I went out, always felt that people were staring at me and clocking me. HRT changed that; now, I KNOW that I'm really a girl, I don't worry, and I move about and interact freely with others. Some girls do manage without either surgery or HRT. If this is to be your fate, then I pray it will be successful.
Best wishes to you, Paola!
Paola, you have been very interesting to review, listening watching. I hope things will workout for your soul. Luv Yu
My advice would be, talk to someone, during covid when we could meet in pairs, I would go for a run with various friends and discovered that it is easier to talk when walking or running, natural breaks at gates etc, scenery can cause a conversation, but with it came some deep conversations, one about the struggle with a teenage son, the other of note was a gay friend who told me stuff about his past in the 70/80s. It just came out naturally. It is only a suggestion. The other thing is, in the UK there are groups for men and I hope women, online and physical now, where we can talk openly about anything that is troubling us. Mentell has online groups which I know is accessed from oversea.
Talk it does help long term
In a small way I can understand the pain you have. To have been able to express who you really are and then to have to put it all back in the box has to be so distressing. For various reasons, I have not been able to express my true self for a long time, forever it seems, and now with the help of a beautifully supportive doctor have been able to take baby steps. I've been able to "come out" to a few people who are supportive, but unfortunately my wife is not one of them. People tell me that I have to be me, but it's not them that have to deal with it. My thoughts and prayers to you on your journey.
You are so loveable and so cute. To go back to what makes others happy, what about your happiness, that is what matters. This is the way you were born and this is the way you should live. I wish that I could have gone as far as you did. People just don't understand.
Stay strong Paola, clearly you are torn between your yearning and what is best for your family.
I wish I had all the right words for you. I would suggest that you do talk to your wife about your feelings. This loss of happiness can effect you in ways that you will not even know. Being transgender is not easy. It really helps if you have an accepting family. I have struggled for decades because I tried to make everyone else happy. I felt like I could not make everyone else happy and be happy myself. I could not be the person I really was. During a long battle with cancer, I had decided that If I die, no one would know I was transgender but if I lived, I would try to live the remaining years as the person I felt that I was meant to be. I have been living as a woman for the past 5 years now. My wife and children are still part of my life thankfully. I wish you all the best.