Yaaas! I was already enthused to read this novel and now I'm tripping over myself to read it. Love your enthusiastic, intelligent, creative review. "pumpkin spice and privilege" Haha! I love a Chekov gun. So glad to hear the story explores the complexity of mother and daughter relationships. I come partly from NYC Irish stock so my parents did once jokingly warn me away from the Irish with their drunken fiery tempers, but I don't think I was meant to take their jocular tone seriously. Thanks for the fantastic review and your personal reaction to it.
Yeah my folks always hoped for a Korean daughter in law. My younger brother got it in the ballpark with a Chinese wife though. Koreans are colloquially known as the Irish of Asia - they certainly have some drunken fiery tempers too. We used to be very involved with the Korean community growing up but my folks quietly withdrew after witnessing one too many drunken brawls and thought - nah, the kids don’t need to be a part of that. Thanks for the praise - hope you enjoy this one!
I have been hearing about this book for a bit and because my TBR has toppled, I chose to keep it at bay but as usual your thoughtful video makes me want to add it to my TBR. I listen to Code Switch regularly and I remember listening to the episode you referred to and felt myself cheering at the advice they gave the couple. I even liked the women that brought her child to a more diverse sports team so that her son could be with people that looked like him. Because I agree that the parent's comfort should not have prevented them from the responsibility of providing their child an opportunity to grow with pride. Thanks for another great video, they create that dialogue we really need. Have a great day!
Somehow this review of your slipped through the cracks and see what I would've missed? FAN DEATH! I hope this never happens again. I'm still not sure about wanting to read Celeste Ng. I have Everything I Never Told - snatched from a library sale - but so far my sister has read it and for me it's nowhere near the priority list with so many other books fighting for my attention ^^ But your review was excellent as always, David. As for parental advice... Well, my mom is very against marrying into Muslim faith as she is scared of the position of women in their culture and read too many books on wives running away after being kept as prisoners in their husband's home countries. Thanks, literature! Generally, she wouldn't be a fan of a relationship between people of different faiths more than of different nationalities, I think, but her Catholic background is very important to her so it definitely comes from that. She does freak out a lot about the thought of me dating a shorter guy. I could swear it's her worst nightmare right there. She is the type to always demand every little detail about a man that I encountered recently but becomes suddenly disinterested when it turns out his shorter than me. My dad said to me once: "Just don't bring home guy my age and tell me you love him and we will be fine." Which is the most relationship advice I ever got from him. He does insist on being allowed to tell any prospective boyfriend that he is licensed to carry a gun. I really am not sure if it's army humor or my dad's humor. Possibly both.
Now you know about Fan Death! close call there. You’re mom’s restrictions seem so arbitrary - differing faiths I get but height? And talk about nightmare scenarios I’d never considered - your dad is right, daughters should never date guys their father’s age.
Just finished this show and yowza! Talk about gravitas! Great analysis, very nuanced, insightful and sensitive. Lol at the gifs you included. Made me want to read the book and short story, too. Really loved how the show revealed all these character and narrative arcs in the beginning and then started building backwards as you said. Thank you also for sharing your personal insights, very touching.
I guess you liked the show then? I still haven't watched it yet (I still haven't gotten to Big Little Lies and I loved the book) currently going through Normal People. And thanks!
This is a great review and discussion. As a biracial Asian-American, there is some I can relate to, particularly on prejudice and self-identity. But you’ve really sparked some insightful points in this video. Always happy to see new stuff from you.
Thanks! So how do you identify? On forms are you always Asian, do you switch? How do you connect with your birth cultures, is one weighted over the other and if so why? Just so curious - especially when it comes to bi-racial.
ThePoptimist In America, I often identify as distinctly Asian-American. In Thailand, I identify more as American. I spent much of my childhood inbetween both countries, but not both cultures. There were strict rules in my American household and predominantly-white, rural community that did not allow me to explore my Thai background nor other multicultural activities. I often felt that restriction only pushed me to identify more as Asian. So this turned out to be a rebellious action. I ended up focusing on Asian studies, learning Asian languages, and am currently living in Thailand for past several years. In Thailand, I identify as American. But I don’t intend to. Even when I do try to introduce myself as Thai-American, most Thais would still call me “farang” (foreigner) and not by my name. But I think this has to do with my individualistic and independent personality, which rubs off as typical American behavior. I do switch between identities, depending on the situation. Sometimes, I want to be the next-door Thai neighbor. Sometimes, I stress my American values in conversations. Sometimes, I wait to hear how others identify me before I act. But on forms, I always write/checkmark as multiracial.
Are you fluent in the language at least? Is that identification as “American” influenced by your use of the language and accent or purely on behaviour. I know for my parents the language in Korea has evolved so much in their absence, especially in the larger metropolitan cities, that they felt distinctly “other” to say nothing of the social norms they’ve since adopted in Canada. Incredible that you get to spend time in Thailand now - will that be where you raise kids? (that may be early to ask not to mention none of my business so feel free to ignore) I just know things change once kids enter the picture.
ThePoptimist I am not business-fluent in the language but yes, I definitely agree it plays a huge part. Sometimes, my accent will slip and it changes dynamics entirely. Children is not in the plans, but I think my future placement will be more determined by filial obligations.
I loved hearing your analysis of the book! I hope to do a review myself soon, but you put into words a lot of things I was thinking. You also added levels of depth to which I can only aspire. Thanks for the great video, as always. In terms of life advice I was given when I was younger, my mom always told me I should elope and that I shouldn't get married until I'm in my 30s. Whether or not these things were said in jest, since they do not mirror my parents' experience at all, they still rattle around in my mind from time to time.
You are too kind - thanks! I’m tempted to offer up the same advice on eloping if only to save myself from the mounting wedding costs. I mean if my daughter decides to marry an Indian for example I think I’d almost want them to elope - do you know how much an Indian wedding costs!? As to waiting until you’re 30 (give or take) I think it makes sense for many as in this day and age you kinda want to have your student loans paid off before embarking on a wedding. As married adults considering our kids, I guess we can be ruthlessly pragmatic about it all.
Fascinating review as always. I'm about 50 pages from the end and there's so much to unpack. I know I'll be thinking about it long after I've turned the final page.
I love this review! I'm African American from the south, and by that I mean the REAL south, Arkansas. ;) I didn't personally get any advice about romantic relationships outside of my race, but my husband definitely did. His grandmother's motto was "If she can't use my comb, don't bring her home." It's glib, but she really meant it!
Love a backwards timeline plot. I've been seeing this book everywhere. Ah, the mother-daughter bond is so complex and layered. It's also one of my favorite themes. Thank you for a thought-provoking review as usual.
ThePoptimist It's definitely a major perk of working in a library! I grabbed the copy today, and introduced my boss to your video since she loves Celeste Ng. She's been binge-watching yout reviews ever since!!
Haha! When I was in Korea I was told I was not to have the fan in my room. I thought that was hilarious - and odd coming from the country that brings us so many appliances. You have made me really keen to read 'Little Fires Everywhere'! I really enjoyed the points you raised here on race.
Thanks! Honestly never noticed their absence, there are no fans at my parents either - but thought nothing of it in our home between ceiling fans and portable ones. I must be building up an immunity to fan death with the persistent exposure ;)
Advice from my Iraqi father: Never walk on manhole cover, always walk around them. Iraq is notorious for bad maintenance of such things and apparently many people got injured falling in them or through them.
Great review there. Gives me a lot to look forward to. I'm only a few pages in, up to where Moody meets Pearl. So far it's the writing that keeps me reading. I in love with how Celeste Ng writes.
Interesting question you pose. I'm caucasian, and while my parents didn't tell me to stick with white, they did suggest that I find someone from a similar background, especially economic background. They said that marriage is challenging enough without adding other controllable factors. Because you can control who you love, according to my Mom.
Reasonable. Though I'm realizing that most people live within their economic background without even being conscious of it. Whether you go to college, the job you currently have, and where in the city you live all influence who you're going to interact with - and chances are they're in your economic band. Similar background however - that can often get trotted out as a benign sort of racism or xenophobia that I've heard used from other ethnic parents.
I am so glad this popped up in my recommendations while browsing reviews for this book. Its been weeks since I finished it and I still love thinking about it and this review of it is EXCELLENT. I especially was eye rolling so hard too and the aspect you perfectly worded "...Celeste found good intentions running smack dab in the brick wall of privilege and cultural differences and assumptions." I love everything you discussed in this and now I really want to read Nicole's essay from that book
So much thanks, that's so nice of you to say - and hooray for UA-cam's algorithm actually proving helpful. Ah the cultural obliviousness of well-meaning suburban white folk in this one!
David, I wish I could do this as well as you....even the tiniest bit. Very few people review books better. Little Fires was a book that seems beloved by everyone, so I thought I'd pass. I'm weird that way. But you've taken me into so many books I'd have never picked for myself. And I haven't been disappointed yet. Happy New Year, Sir.
With the way you described this one I'm going to put it on my tbr. The backwards running story premise reminds me of an episode of Seinfeld where Jerry and company go to India for a wedding, going backwards to when Jerry first met Kramer.
Well yes the ending is first but sadly it doesn't work backwards like Seinfeld, but simply jumps back and year and starts building from there. Ah Seinfeld
I have to confess, I felt like the adoption subplot deserved a lot more nuance than it was given. It didn't seem like a realistic portrayal of how US domestic adoption works. I've known some people who have tried to adopt through foster care (and in once case had three kids taken back by three separate bio families), and things like changing a child's name before the adoption is finalized and a public trial rather than a series of visits with a family court judge seem like they would be incredibly unusual, even 20 years ago. Maybe not impossible, but so rare that it almost makes it feel like a parody. The whole issue of transracial/cultural adoption is such an important one (I've heard some appalling stories from a couple of friends who were adopted - from Korea and Vietnam respectively - by white Anglo-Americans in rural Oklahoma in the '70s that make the adoptive parents in the book seem almost enlightened), but I just couldn't get past how falsely simplistic the trial felt. On cultural advice, my parents were from two different countries and they both did that multi-country immigration trail before settling in Canada - so I was never sure if the advice was coming from Belgium, the US, Germany, Turkey, Columbia, Brazil, or wherever. My husband is similar - his parents are both ethnically Goan, but his dad was third generation British and his mum second via Kenya. When we first started dating he'd sometimes explain a foreign word his grandmother used with "That's Konkani for pig" and his mum would shout over a correction like, "It's Swahili for cow!". So clearly neither of us ended up knowing anything! ;)
*SPOILERS* I have to say those biologically unable to have children were given short shrift in the book and those plot elements were in fact some of the weakest in service to a larger plot. We’ve gone through the extensive foster care training program (for kin care, looong story) and biological parents wield incredible influence and power in the Canadian system. We also have friends who have endured impossible hardship dealing with international adoption, amounting to emotional blackmail, but have less experience with those that have been adopted. We also have friends who’ve had success with and as surrogate moms. So definitely agree that aspect lacked nuance. Thanks for the opportunity to talk about that though! Didn't want to mention because of spoilers (the situation Mia finds herself in too). Was hesitant to even talk about the time in court.
Hello, sorry for the late comment. Your review was a amazing, and I'll definitely get the book. Being from bi-racial parents, whenever my Dad was telling me anything about north african culture, I was answering " I don't want to choose between my mum and my dad" and he was replying "then take both of us". Although I am sensitive to identity politics, I have never considered myself as white nor a minority, but more as a whole human being making its way in this world. I definitely think that the world is not exclusively white and straight, and I am on board when it comes to promote a smart and clever individual from a minority in every field, but I picture myself personally as a universalist more than everything because I followed my father's advice and took "both of them". I loved when you evoked the subject of dating to your daughter, it reminded mine telling me "no ! No! No!". Best regards.
I loooove this video!! I have to read Little Fires Everywhere... I knew the loose bones of the plot, but hearing you talk about the themes makes me excited - I love books about identity, race, nature vs. nurture... sounds great. Also probably the weirdest life adage I've gotten was from my stepmom, who always told me to wear socks and to not walk on cold floors when on your period - she said it makes you get worse cramps... (this is pretty much scientifically untrue lol but I believed it when I was 14!)
My folks were much the same way - at least as far as wearing socks goes. Wet hair and going sockless pretty much guaranteed certain death. I think you’re going to love Fires too btw!
I honestly did not have any 'cultural' advice from my parents, etc. But your review was a revelation to me how to verbalize my impression on another book, Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. While on the surface it seems to have a totally different actual story line from Ng's novel, deeper down (one of the main) subjects is very, very similar to what you are talking about mentioning 'harmless racism' and good intentions going... yes, somewhere not good. (In case you have read it, think of Ifemelu's relationship with the affluent, white, very liberal guy.) It is a very important and at the same time an extremely difficult topic to talk about because for a long time the liberal and progressive ('cool') attitude was to be 'racially blind', mixing it up (=confusing it) with 'every person is equal'. Nowadays we understand more and more that racial blindness can be extremely harmful; these two novels (Adichie and Ng) seem to show us in a fictional form how and why. Americanah, exactly because of these parts, was an eye opener and life changer for me, seriously. So of course now I am going to read Little Fires Everywhere as soon as I can.
Loved Americanah! The one thing that always stuck with me about the book is her idea that she was never considered “black” until she came to America. Such a great book and just as incisive.
I'm Polish-Canadian and I get the "where are you from? But really, where are you from?" all the time. Trying not to roll your eyes when it happens is the real challenge. When my mom was growing up, women in Poland commonly got married when they were 18-20 (She was pressured into getting married at 18). With my sister and I, my mom tried to be 'progressive' so her advice was - "don't date until you're 25 or you'll get pregnant and ruin your life". My sister and I were born when my mom was under 25 so.. uhhh..., thanks mom?
Yikes, present company excepted I'm sure when she says that. My wife's Dutch side has a long history of that, her mother was one of 9 surviving kids and most all of them had children before 25, some before 20. My folks are certainly the exception for their age and era, waiting till their 30s. I think that's definitely going to be the case with the coming generation - waiting longer to have kids, if at all.
Things I was tought by my parents: having all windows open all day, even in winter, is good for you. Just use another blanket and drink more tea, you need the fresh air. On the other hand: air flow from an AC unit in summer will definitely give you the flu or a stiff neck at the very least. Thankfully, any flu, stiff neck or other illness or injury can easily be cured with a generous application of menthol cream. Of course it's working, you just need to give it some time.
Oh man I used to love having the window open at night cozy under the blankets - it's just the getting up and out of bed that made it impossible to sustain.
First generation Greek-American here. My grandmother had many superstitions that dominated our house, notably that the ceiling fans couldn't be on when it rained (usually in the summer when it was 10000 degrees outside), and my brother wasn't allowed to play his acoustic guitar during a thunderstorm. Luckily, my parents never got on the "strict Greek" dating thing.
Love that - just so bizarrely random like fan death! I also wonder if the dating advice is tied to cultural ceremonies as well. I have Serbian and Indian friends who have parents that insist on dating within the culture but with the sheer number of elaborate weddings and the costs associated with attending - they're hoping for payback when their child gets hitched. Those friends who've married outside their culture have quite a different, smaller wedding as a result.
In my family, it's been passed down not to marry outside of your religion if you're unwilling to convert. I think that can be a tough issue to navigate, but that's just what I've been advised.
Folks have been very open as far as religion goes and we grew up going to a whole host of different Christian denomination churches despite the fact that my folks are Won Buddhist. They both felt that religion was something that should be chosen by the individual and not just thrust on them - so that wasn't an issue. Just marry a nice Korean girl though...
just came for a little taste.and it looks good ..i'll be back after i've read the book..which i do own though it's not too far up on the to be read list!
Well I'm just now aware of fan death but that's not changing my attitudes towards the need for fans. I figure I've developed an immunity with all the time spent with a fan in the room.
Loved the book - and this video was fantastic. My kids are biracial as well. Hubby is Korean/Chinese. (OH MY GOD! You sleep with a fan on???????). We have been fortunate having both Korean and Chinese influences (in laws live really close... 🙄).
Oooh Korean and Chinese, what’s it like being THAT daughter-in-law. Our nephew is Korean/Chinese but he gets waay more Chinese influence as both my brother and I aren’t fluent in Korean and don’t use it at home so the Chinese aspect takes dominance there.
Another excellent video! I'm more interested to pick the book up now 👍 My mum has some pretty awful opinions that I've managed to lessen somewhat over the years but she's said things like "She doesn't want me to date someone of a different race because it doesn't look right" , "she doesn't want me to have children before marriage because it isn't very nice" and plenty of other awful things. It infuriates me beyond belief! Somehow my brothers and I all completely disagree with her and always challenge her about it, so I'm very glad her views didn't trickle down to us!
There has been some gentle “re-training” as far as my mom goes too. As much as she wants to embrace Western ideals there are a few old school beliefs lodged in there that needed to be shaken loose, i.e. ideas about not marrying outside our culture, and the role of the daughter in law - meanwhile nothing about fan death!
Wait... the Chinese vs Korean husband stigma is a real thing? I thought it was just my Korean mother being weirdly racist. She always said not to marry a Korean man (at least not a Korea-raised one). I once asked my mom on her thought of white men (in her eyes 'American' means white) fetishizing Asians. She said she believed it was true, but thought I was smart enough not to get stuck in a relationship like that. I'm half white/half Korean. Both of my serious long term boyfriends have been white. My mother has never said anything about their race. The funny thing is though she has made comments about their height. My first boyfriend was 6 feet tall. She kept asking 'are you sure' because she felt that he looked shorter than that. My second (and current) boyfriend is 5'5. When I mentioned this to her she laughed. She thinks it's hilarious that her 5'7 daughter is dating someone shorter. This is the same woman who considered my father to be short at 5'9. She is barely 5 foot herself.
LOL aren’t all Korean moms sort of weirdly racist anyways? My mom did not have a high opinion of “white girls” growing up and more than once tried to set me up with random Koreans. So who’s parental culture do you identify with more? And how do you make that connection. How do you connect with the Korean side? My daughter is relying on K-pop and K-dramas cause I’m less than helpful as a second gen.
I don't know how to answer that. I feel like I'm in a third category. I don't speak or understand Korean (but can read and write). But there's other parts of being 'white' that I don't fit in with. There are certain traditional American foods I didn't have until I was much older, like sweet pies, meatloaf and gravy. To this day, these foods are still gross to me. Meanwhile, I was in high school when I found out most Americans find it odd to eat rice 2-3 times a day. I should also add that my white father died when I was 9. However my mother was a very detached parent unless I wanted something specific. So, I feel like a lot of my ideal/morality/etc came from third parties. I often feel like Degrarssi acted as a third parent. I also am asked, quite frequently, what my ethnicity is (though they often ask my nationality... which is odd when I'm in the US military). I don't quite pass for white, but a lot of people can't tell what my other 'half' is. Most assume Asian, but other's think I'm Latina. I listen to a little K-pop, but I have Latina, black and white friends who are way more into it and know more. Also, I can't stand most K-dramas. It seems so silly and repetitive. I made it through about 10 episodes of the Korean show Full House and thought it was so cheesy. The most 'Korean' thing I enjoy is Korean cinema. Song Kang-Ho is one of my favorite actors of any race/nationality. I also think Bong Joon-Ho is one of the best directors working out there.
Jealous! I’m lousy at reading and forget about writing -- but I understand a good chunk of the spoken language and picked up basic conversational when I lived there - but still way too self conscious to try it out often. Same boat as far as meatloaf and gravy - but I love me all kinds of food now. Rice was usually only for dinner in our house but a bit of a shame in that my mom is a self-professed bad cook - I didn’t have “really good” Korean food until I was a teenager. Song Kang-Ho is awesome and I love me some Choi Min-sik - appreciate that I’m seeing more and more Korean movies on Netflix now too.
You should have put that warning sign in the thumbnail Danger this book will make you think and look in a uncomfortable mirror. Read it anyway. Your video comes on the aftermath of another school district banning To Kill a Mockingbird becsuse it makes people uncomfortable. I think we all need a little uncomfortable to confornt what we are.
True that - I just thought the Code Switch answer was such a good way to articulate that in a real way. Sitting with the uncomfortable is hard, there are just so many ways to avoid that feeling - sometimes to our detriment.
Your videos are stunning. Why aren't you on TV? No, wait - too insightful for TV. As a newbie BookTuber I am awestruck. And yeah Korean fan death - be careful! 😜
Greetings! Loved your book review! “Little Fires Everywhere” is the perfect simile for many whites when it comes to race, can enjoy it or not mention it at all. (Most reviews don’t mention race at all...) Advice my Carribean Moms gave me? Never marry an African; you don’t know how many other wifes they have.
Really thought provoking - part of the reason why I love your videos!
Much appreciated! Tell all your friends
Yaaas! I was already enthused to read this novel and now I'm tripping over myself to read it. Love your enthusiastic, intelligent, creative review. "pumpkin spice and privilege" Haha! I love a Chekov gun. So glad to hear the story explores the complexity of mother and daughter relationships.
I come partly from NYC Irish stock so my parents did once jokingly warn me away from the Irish with their drunken fiery tempers, but I don't think I was meant to take their jocular tone seriously.
Thanks for the fantastic review and your personal reaction to it.
Yeah my folks always hoped for a Korean daughter in law. My younger brother got it in the ballpark with a Chinese wife though. Koreans are colloquially known as the Irish of Asia - they certainly have some drunken fiery tempers too. We used to be very involved with the Korean community growing up but my folks quietly withdrew after witnessing one too many drunken brawls and thought - nah, the kids don’t need to be a part of that. Thanks for the praise - hope you enjoy this one!
I have been hearing about this book for a bit and because my TBR has toppled, I chose to keep it at bay but as usual your thoughtful video makes me want to add it to my TBR. I listen to Code Switch regularly and I remember listening to the episode you referred to and felt myself cheering at the advice they gave the couple. I even liked the women that brought her child to a more diverse sports team so that her son could be with people that looked like him. Because I agree that the parent's comfort should not have prevented them from the responsibility of providing their child an opportunity to grow with pride. Thanks for another great video, they create that dialogue we really need. Have a great day!
I thought that answer best articulated that sense of discomfort that’s hard to nail down as a visible minority. So good. Thanks!
Great discussion! I haven't read Little Fires Everywhere yet but I absolutely adored Everything I Never Told You so I'm looking forward to it.
Thanks! I think you're going to like this one. Celeste is still at the top of her game.
Somehow this review of your slipped through the cracks and see what I would've missed? FAN DEATH!
I hope this never happens again.
I'm still not sure about wanting to read Celeste Ng. I have Everything I Never Told - snatched from a library sale - but so far my sister has read it and for me it's nowhere near the priority list with so many other books fighting for my attention ^^ But your review was excellent as always, David.
As for parental advice... Well, my mom is very against marrying into Muslim faith as she is scared of the position of women in their culture and read too many books on wives running away after being kept as prisoners in their husband's home countries. Thanks, literature!
Generally, she wouldn't be a fan of a relationship between people of different faiths more than of different nationalities, I think, but her Catholic background is very important to her so it definitely comes from that.
She does freak out a lot about the thought of me dating a shorter guy. I could swear it's her worst nightmare right there. She is the type to always demand every little detail about a man that I encountered recently but becomes suddenly disinterested when it turns out his shorter than me.
My dad said to me once: "Just don't bring home guy my age and tell me you love him and we will be fine." Which is the most relationship advice I ever got from him. He does insist on being allowed to tell any prospective boyfriend that he is licensed to carry a gun. I really am not sure if it's army humor or my dad's humor. Possibly both.
Now you know about Fan Death! close call there. You’re mom’s restrictions seem so arbitrary - differing faiths I get but height? And talk about nightmare scenarios I’d never considered - your dad is right, daughters should never date guys their father’s age.
My mom's always been very self-conscious about her own height and I guess it's stuck with her till now.
Just finished this show and yowza! Talk about gravitas! Great analysis, very nuanced, insightful and sensitive. Lol at the gifs you included. Made me want to read the book and short story, too. Really loved how the show revealed all these character and narrative arcs in the beginning and then started building backwards as you said. Thank you also for sharing your personal insights, very touching.
I guess you liked the show then? I still haven't watched it yet (I still haven't gotten to Big Little Lies and I loved the book) currently going through Normal People. And thanks!
ThePoptimist yes! It was great. Sorry I didn’t realize this review was only the book
This is a great review and discussion. As a biracial Asian-American, there is some I can relate to, particularly on prejudice and self-identity. But you’ve really sparked some insightful points in this video. Always happy to see new stuff from you.
Thanks! So how do you identify? On forms are you always Asian, do you switch? How do you connect with your birth cultures, is one weighted over the other and if so why? Just so curious - especially when it comes to bi-racial.
ThePoptimist In America, I often identify as distinctly Asian-American. In Thailand, I identify more as American.
I spent much of my childhood inbetween both countries, but not both cultures. There were strict rules in my American household and predominantly-white, rural community that did not allow me to explore my Thai background nor other multicultural activities. I often felt that restriction only pushed me to identify more as Asian. So this turned out to be a rebellious action. I ended up focusing on Asian studies, learning Asian languages, and am currently living in Thailand for past several years.
In Thailand, I identify as American. But I don’t intend to. Even when I do try to introduce myself as Thai-American, most Thais would still call me “farang” (foreigner) and not by my name. But I think this has to do with my individualistic and independent personality, which rubs off as typical American behavior.
I do switch between identities, depending on the situation. Sometimes, I want to be the next-door Thai neighbor. Sometimes, I stress my American values in conversations. Sometimes, I wait to hear how others identify me before I act. But on forms, I always write/checkmark as multiracial.
Are you fluent in the language at least? Is that identification as “American” influenced by your use of the language and accent or purely on behaviour. I know for my parents the language in Korea has evolved so much in their absence, especially in the larger metropolitan cities, that they felt distinctly “other” to say nothing of the social norms they’ve since adopted in Canada. Incredible that you get to spend time in Thailand now - will that be where you raise kids? (that may be early to ask not to mention none of my business so feel free to ignore) I just know things change once kids enter the picture.
ThePoptimist I am not business-fluent in the language but yes, I definitely agree it plays a huge part. Sometimes, my accent will slip and it changes dynamics entirely.
Children is not in the plans, but I think my future placement will be more determined by filial obligations.
I loved hearing your analysis of the book! I hope to do a review myself soon, but you put into words a lot of things I was thinking. You also added levels of depth to which I can only aspire. Thanks for the great video, as always. In terms of life advice I was given when I was younger, my mom always told me I should elope and that I shouldn't get married until I'm in my 30s. Whether or not these things were said in jest, since they do not mirror my parents' experience at all, they still rattle around in my mind from time to time.
You are too kind - thanks! I’m tempted to offer up the same advice on eloping if only to save myself from the mounting wedding costs. I mean if my daughter decides to marry an Indian for example I think I’d almost want them to elope - do you know how much an Indian wedding costs!? As to waiting until you’re 30 (give or take) I think it makes sense for many as in this day and age you kinda want to have your student loans paid off before embarking on a wedding. As married adults considering our kids, I guess we can be ruthlessly pragmatic about it all.
Fascinating review as always. I'm about 50 pages from the end and there's so much to unpack. I know I'll be thinking about it long after I've turned the final page.
Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment! There's definitely a lot to chew on but Ng manages to work with her usual light touch.
I love this review! I'm African American from the south, and by that I mean the REAL south, Arkansas. ;) I didn't personally get any advice about romantic relationships outside of my race, but my husband definitely did. His grandmother's motto was "If she can't use my comb, don't bring her home." It's glib, but she really meant it!
LOL I love that one! I'm trying to parse what the Asian version would be - if she can't use 'sticks keep her out of the mix?
That's good!
Love a backwards timeline plot. I've been seeing this book everywhere. Ah, the mother-daughter bond is so complex and layered. It's also one of my favorite themes. Thank you for a thought-provoking review as usual.
It's certainly the book du jour - I hope you get the chance to pick it up! And thanks!
We've had an ARC of this book just sitting around at my work, and this review has inspired me to finally pick it up!
Nice having ARCs lying around the office - pick it up!
ThePoptimist It's definitely a major perk of working in a library! I grabbed the copy today, and introduced my boss to your video since she loves Celeste Ng. She's been binge-watching yout reviews ever since!!
Nice! and thanks for spreading the love!
Haha! When I was in Korea I was told I was not to have the fan in my room. I thought that was hilarious - and odd coming from the country that brings us so many appliances.
You have made me really keen to read 'Little Fires Everywhere'! I really enjoyed the points you raised here on race.
Thanks! Honestly never noticed their absence, there are no fans at my parents either - but thought nothing of it in our home between ceiling fans and portable ones. I must be building up an immunity to fan death with the persistent exposure ;)
You've just been added to my list of favorite booktubers
Thanks! So nice!
You're eloquence and sensitivity is beautiful! Thank you! Just subscribed :)
Thanks, you are too kind! Glad to have you aboard
Advice from my Iraqi father: Never walk on manhole cover, always walk around them. Iraq is notorious for bad maintenance of such things and apparently many people got injured falling in them or through them.
Well that just seems like common sense! I still get nervous walking over subway grates even though I know it's irrational.
Great review there. Gives me a lot to look forward to. I'm only a few pages in, up to where Moody meets Pearl. So far it's the writing that keeps me reading. I in love with how Celeste Ng writes.
Much thanks - there's a lot to look forward to indeed. I wonder if by starting with the end it makes it easier to stick the landing.
Great video, as always. And I really enjoyed this book as well. What an absolute joy to find an adult fiction novel that read like a thriller.
Thanks! ...so what have you been up to now that you don't booktube at all?! All that free time!
Haha! You know, reading, playing with cats, reading, playing with cats, maybe a little writing, work, playing with cats...
Interesting question you pose. I'm caucasian, and while my parents didn't tell me to stick with white, they did suggest that I find someone from a similar background, especially economic background. They said that marriage is challenging enough without adding other controllable factors. Because you can control who you love, according to my Mom.
Reasonable. Though I'm realizing that most people live within their economic background without even being conscious of it. Whether you go to college, the job you currently have, and where in the city you live all influence who you're going to interact with - and chances are they're in your economic band. Similar background however - that can often get trotted out as a benign sort of racism or xenophobia that I've heard used from other ethnic parents.
I loved Little Fires Everywhere and love where you took this with your discussion. I must read her other book.
Everything I Never Told You was surprising good and one hell of a debut - worth picking up!
I am so glad this popped up in my recommendations while browsing reviews for this book. Its been weeks since I finished it and I still love thinking about it and this review of it is EXCELLENT.
I especially was eye rolling so hard too and the aspect you perfectly worded "...Celeste found good intentions running smack dab in the brick wall of privilege and cultural differences and assumptions."
I love everything you discussed in this and now I really want to read Nicole's essay from that book
So much thanks, that's so nice of you to say - and hooray for UA-cam's algorithm actually proving helpful. Ah the cultural obliviousness of well-meaning suburban white folk in this one!
David, I wish I could do this as well as you....even the tiniest bit. Very few people review books better. Little Fires was a book that seems beloved by everyone, so I thought I'd pass. I'm weird that way. But you've taken me into so many books I'd have never picked for myself. And I haven't been disappointed yet. Happy New Year, Sir.
Sorry been away on break but thanks for the praise! Hope you had a fabulous New Year and that 2018 is looking good so far!
With the way you described this one I'm going to put it on my tbr. The backwards running story premise reminds me of an episode of Seinfeld where Jerry and company go to India for a wedding, going backwards to when Jerry first met Kramer.
Well yes the ending is first but sadly it doesn't work backwards like Seinfeld, but simply jumps back and year and starts building from there. Ah Seinfeld
Oh I see. I will still give it a go though, she sounds like a great writer.
I have to confess, I felt like the adoption subplot deserved a lot more nuance than it was given.
It didn't seem like a realistic portrayal of how US domestic adoption works. I've known some people who have tried to adopt through foster care (and in once case had three kids taken back by three separate bio families), and things like changing a child's name before the adoption is finalized and a public trial rather than a series of visits with a family court judge seem like they would be incredibly unusual, even 20 years ago. Maybe not impossible, but so rare that it almost makes it feel like a parody.
The whole issue of transracial/cultural adoption is such an important one (I've heard some appalling stories from a couple of friends who were adopted - from Korea and Vietnam respectively - by white Anglo-Americans in rural Oklahoma in the '70s that make the adoptive parents in the book seem almost enlightened), but I just couldn't get past how falsely simplistic the trial felt.
On cultural advice, my parents were from two different countries and they both did that multi-country immigration trail before settling in Canada - so I was never sure if the advice was coming from Belgium, the US, Germany, Turkey, Columbia, Brazil, or wherever. My husband is similar - his parents are both ethnically Goan, but his dad was third generation British and his mum second via Kenya. When we first started dating he'd sometimes explain a foreign word his grandmother used with "That's Konkani for pig" and his mum would shout over a correction like, "It's Swahili for cow!". So clearly neither of us ended up knowing anything! ;)
*SPOILERS* I have to say those biologically unable to have children were given short shrift in the book and those plot elements were in fact some of the weakest in service to a larger plot. We’ve gone through the extensive foster care training program (for kin care, looong story) and biological parents wield incredible influence and power in the Canadian system. We also have friends who have endured impossible hardship dealing with international adoption, amounting to emotional blackmail, but have less experience with those that have been adopted. We also have friends who’ve had success with and as surrogate moms. So definitely agree that aspect lacked nuance. Thanks for the opportunity to talk about that though! Didn't want to mention because of spoilers (the situation Mia finds herself in too). Was hesitant to even talk about the time in court.
IMHO you missed the point
Another great video! I appreciate your reviews very much.
You are too kind - thanks!
Hello, sorry for the late comment.
Your review was a amazing, and I'll definitely get the book.
Being from bi-racial parents, whenever my Dad was telling me anything about north african culture, I was answering " I don't want to choose between my mum and my dad" and he was replying "then take both of us".
Although I am sensitive to identity politics, I have never considered myself as white nor a minority, but more as a whole human being making its way in this world. I definitely think that the world is not exclusively white and straight, and I am on board when it comes to promote a smart and clever individual from a minority in every field, but I picture myself personally as a universalist more than everything because I followed my father's advice and took "both of them".
I loved when you evoked the subject of dating to your daughter, it reminded mine telling me "no ! No! No!".
Best regards.
Love any comment here, late or otherwise. Speaking of universal I think that applies to your parent's dating advice too.
I loooove this video!! I have to read Little Fires Everywhere... I knew the loose bones of the plot, but hearing you talk about the themes makes me excited - I love books about identity, race, nature vs. nurture... sounds great. Also probably the weirdest life adage I've gotten was from my stepmom, who always told me to wear socks and to not walk on cold floors when on your period - she said it makes you get worse cramps... (this is pretty much scientifically untrue lol but I believed it when I was 14!)
My folks were much the same way - at least as far as wearing socks goes. Wet hair and going sockless pretty much guaranteed certain death. I think you’re going to love Fires too btw!
I honestly did not have any 'cultural' advice from my parents, etc. But your review was a revelation to me how to verbalize my impression on another book, Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. While on the surface it seems to have a totally different actual story line from Ng's novel, deeper down (one of the main) subjects is very, very similar to what you are talking about mentioning 'harmless racism' and good intentions going... yes, somewhere not good. (In case you have read it, think of Ifemelu's relationship with the affluent, white, very liberal guy.) It is a very important and at the same time an extremely difficult topic to talk about because for a long time the liberal and progressive ('cool') attitude was to be 'racially blind', mixing it up (=confusing it) with 'every person is equal'. Nowadays we understand more and more that racial blindness can be extremely harmful; these two novels (Adichie and Ng) seem to show us in a fictional form how and why. Americanah, exactly because of these parts, was an eye opener and life changer for me, seriously. So of course now I am going to read Little Fires Everywhere as soon as I can.
Loved Americanah! The one thing that always stuck with me about the book is her idea that she was never considered “black” until she came to America. Such a great book and just as incisive.
I'm Polish-Canadian and I get the "where are you from? But really, where are you from?" all the time. Trying not to roll your eyes when it happens is the real challenge.
When my mom was growing up, women in Poland commonly got married when they were 18-20 (She was pressured into getting married at 18). With my sister and I, my mom tried to be 'progressive' so her advice was - "don't date until you're 25 or you'll get pregnant and ruin your life". My sister and I were born when my mom was under 25 so.. uhhh..., thanks mom?
Yikes, present company excepted I'm sure when she says that. My wife's Dutch side has a long history of that, her mother was one of 9 surviving kids and most all of them had children before 25, some before 20. My folks are certainly the exception for their age and era, waiting till their 30s. I think that's definitely going to be the case with the coming generation - waiting longer to have kids, if at all.
Things I was tought by my parents: having all windows open all day, even in winter, is good for you. Just use another blanket and drink more tea, you need the fresh air. On the other hand: air flow from an AC unit in summer will definitely give you the flu or a stiff neck at the very least. Thankfully, any flu, stiff neck or other illness or injury can easily be cured with a generous application of menthol cream. Of course it's working, you just need to give it some time.
Oh man I used to love having the window open at night cozy under the blankets - it's just the getting up and out of bed that made it impossible to sustain.
First generation Greek-American here. My grandmother had many superstitions that dominated our house, notably that the ceiling fans couldn't be on when it rained (usually in the summer when it was 10000 degrees outside), and my brother wasn't allowed to play his acoustic guitar during a thunderstorm. Luckily, my parents never got on the "strict Greek" dating thing.
Love that - just so bizarrely random like fan death! I also wonder if the dating advice is tied to cultural ceremonies as well. I have Serbian and Indian friends who have parents that insist on dating within the culture but with the sheer number of elaborate weddings and the costs associated with attending - they're hoping for payback when their child gets hitched. Those friends who've married outside their culture have quite a different, smaller wedding as a result.
In my family, it's been passed down not to marry outside of your religion if you're unwilling to convert. I think that can be a tough issue to navigate, but that's just what I've been advised.
Folks have been very open as far as religion goes and we grew up going to a whole host of different Christian denomination churches despite the fact that my folks are Won Buddhist. They both felt that religion was something that should be chosen by the individual and not just thrust on them - so that wasn't an issue. Just marry a nice Korean girl though...
Very well considered review. Enjoyed it.
Much appreciated - thanks!
just came for a little taste.and it looks good ..i'll be back after i've read the book..which i do own though it's not too far up on the to be read list!
Thanks! Hope you enjoy the read whenever you get to it!
As always, thank you for this video...but I am a bit concerned about the fan-ban! I have not slept without a fan roaring next to my bed, ever!
Well I'm just now aware of fan death but that's not changing my attitudes towards the need for fans. I figure I've developed an immunity with all the time spent with a fan in the room.
Loved the book - and this video was fantastic. My kids are biracial as well. Hubby is Korean/Chinese. (OH MY GOD! You sleep with a fan on???????). We have been fortunate having both Korean and Chinese influences (in laws live really close... 🙄).
Oooh Korean and Chinese, what’s it like being THAT daughter-in-law. Our nephew is Korean/Chinese but he gets waay more Chinese influence as both my brother and I aren’t fluent in Korean and don’t use it at home so the Chinese aspect takes dominance there.
Another excellent video! I'm more interested to pick the book up now 👍
My mum has some pretty awful opinions that I've managed to lessen somewhat over the years but she's said things like "She doesn't want me to date someone of a different race because it doesn't look right" , "she doesn't want me to have children before marriage because it isn't very nice" and plenty of other awful things. It infuriates me beyond belief! Somehow my brothers and I all completely disagree with her and always challenge her about it, so I'm very glad her views didn't trickle down to us!
There has been some gentle “re-training” as far as my mom goes too. As much as she wants to embrace Western ideals there are a few old school beliefs lodged in there that needed to be shaken loose, i.e. ideas about not marrying outside our culture, and the role of the daughter in law - meanwhile nothing about fan death!
Wait... the Chinese vs Korean husband stigma is a real thing? I thought it was just my Korean mother being weirdly racist. She always said not to marry a Korean man (at least not a Korea-raised one).
I once asked my mom on her thought of white men (in her eyes 'American' means white) fetishizing Asians. She said she believed it was true, but thought I was smart enough not to get stuck in a relationship like that.
I'm half white/half Korean. Both of my serious long term boyfriends have been white. My mother has never said anything about their race. The funny thing is though she has made comments about their height. My first boyfriend was 6 feet tall. She kept asking 'are you sure' because she felt that he looked shorter than that. My second (and current) boyfriend is 5'5. When I mentioned this to her she laughed. She thinks it's hilarious that her 5'7 daughter is dating someone shorter. This is the same woman who considered my father to be short at 5'9. She is barely 5 foot herself.
LOL aren’t all Korean moms sort of weirdly racist anyways? My mom did not have a high opinion of “white girls” growing up and more than once tried to set me up with random Koreans. So who’s parental culture do you identify with more? And how do you make that connection. How do you connect with the Korean side? My daughter is relying on K-pop and K-dramas cause I’m less than helpful as a second gen.
I don't know how to answer that. I feel like I'm in a third category. I don't speak or understand Korean (but can read and write). But there's other parts of being 'white' that I don't fit in with. There are certain traditional American foods I didn't have until I was much older, like sweet pies, meatloaf and gravy. To this day, these foods are still gross to me. Meanwhile, I was in high school when I found out most Americans find it odd to eat rice 2-3 times a day.
I should also add that my white father died when I was 9. However my mother was a very detached parent unless I wanted something specific. So, I feel like a lot of my ideal/morality/etc came from third parties. I often feel like Degrarssi acted as a third parent.
I also am asked, quite frequently, what my ethnicity is (though they often ask my nationality... which is odd when I'm in the US military). I don't quite pass for white, but a lot of people can't tell what my other 'half' is. Most assume Asian, but other's think I'm Latina.
I listen to a little K-pop, but I have Latina, black and white friends who are way more into it and know more. Also, I can't stand most K-dramas. It seems so silly and repetitive. I made it through about 10 episodes of the Korean show Full House and thought it was so cheesy. The most 'Korean' thing I enjoy is Korean cinema. Song Kang-Ho is one of my favorite actors of any race/nationality. I also think Bong Joon-Ho is one of the best directors working out there.
Jealous! I’m lousy at reading and forget about writing -- but I understand a good chunk of the spoken language and picked up basic conversational when I lived there - but still way too self conscious to try it out often. Same boat as far as meatloaf and gravy - but I love me all kinds of food now. Rice was usually only for dinner in our house but a bit of a shame in that my mom is a self-professed bad cook - I didn’t have “really good” Korean food until I was a teenager. Song Kang-Ho is awesome and I love me some Choi Min-sik - appreciate that I’m seeing more and more Korean movies on Netflix now too.
You should have put that warning sign in the thumbnail Danger this book will make you think and look in a uncomfortable mirror. Read it anyway. Your video comes on the aftermath of another school district banning To Kill a Mockingbird becsuse it makes people uncomfortable. I think we all need a little uncomfortable to confornt what we are.
True that - I just thought the Code Switch answer was such a good way to articulate that in a real way. Sitting with the uncomfortable is hard, there are just so many ways to avoid that feeling - sometimes to our detriment.
Your videos are stunning. Why aren't you on TV? No, wait - too insightful for TV. As a newbie BookTuber I am awestruck. And yeah Korean fan death - be careful! 😜
oh you! Thanks for the high praise and the words of warning. Who knew fan death was a thing?!
Yeah... My grandma told me not to get a black man... which is exactly what I did
LOL - has her attitude changed towards your husband or is she just entrenched in her views?
She is still not very friendly with him unfortunately
Loved the book - disappointed that Green likes it - the propagandist for the establishment just sodomised a great NOVEL
Greetings! Loved your book review! “Little Fires Everywhere” is the perfect simile for many whites when it comes to race, can enjoy it or not mention it at all. (Most reviews don’t mention race at all...)
Advice my Carribean Moms gave me? Never marry an African; you don’t know how many other wifes they have.
LOL! Ah generational racism, so weird. Still need to check out the TV Show