What to Do When Your Boundaries Aren't Respected | 5 Tips
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- Опубліковано 29 чер 2024
- #healthyboundaries #boundarysetting #mentalhealth
When people repeatedly push your boundaries you probably feel ignored and uncomfortable. The next time your boundaries aren't respected, use these 5 tips to communicate with your boundary crashers! SUBSCRIBE TO OUR CHANNEL FOR MORE COMMUNICATION TIPS: / @dochaspsych
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CHAPTERS FROM THIS VIDEO //
0:00 - How to deal with boundary crashers
0:25 - Review of boundaries
1:14 - Recognize your emotions
1:57 - Communicate your boundary
3:39 - Broken record strategy
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Information provided through Dochas Psychological Services blogs or vlogs are meant for educational purposes only. They are NOT medical or mental health advice. You can read more about our disclaimer here: dochaspsych.com/wp-content/up...
So glad I found this video ❤ Thank you for all the tips. The boundary pusher bar none in my life is my mum, I’m 55 and she’s 86 but boy does she throw a rage when I put a boundary in. It’s something I’ve never done before but I’m now in therapy and just starting to put boundaries in and she does not like it and all my life she has just crashed boundaries until she get’s what she wants, which I’ve in the past done as she is so draining and exhausting. But your video has really helped me think about how I can do things differently going forwards. 😊
So happy for you, @DartmoorPaul! This has been a long journey for me as well as I continue to struggle to set boundaries personally (I guess that's why I'm passionate about it)! There is a great book I'd recommend, if I may. I just finished reading it and it's a quick read that really resonates. It's "Set Boundaries, Find Peace" by Nedra Glover Tawwab. In it, she breaks down why it's difficult to set boundaries in the first place and how to do it with some of the more difficult groups, like families.
Good luck!
Straightforward and disciplined approach
Madam
Thank you. Boundaries are hard enough... trying to make the process clearer is the goal! :)
I used this 'broken record' technique with one of my students' parents who wanted to hire a clown and basically have a birthday party in the classroom. When working with my students, I used social skills instruction from the Boys Town Educational Model (so good!) and kept responses short and sweet, using as few words as possible to reteach social skills lessons as needed. "Hand." "Eyes". I even suggested to parents that they did not need to explain everything - too many words can lose a child's attention.
So true! And I hadn't heard of the Boys Town Educational Model, so I appreciate your post - I'll look into it!
Short and sweet explaination
Thank you. I hope it helped!
I have two people in my life that have stepped WAY over their bounds - even when I've explicitly told them. I have to simply step back from them right now because I don't trust they'll respect my boundaries. I am pleased that I've been able to ignore any untoward comments in email from one and simply write a pleasant, supportive response - the type I'd love to receive.
That's so awesome, Jean! It can be really hard, but it sounds like you are respecting and valuing your needs and keeping to your values of respect and caring. Love it!
Information about how to set boundaries is something everyone should be offered while young. Unfortunate it is that in some families that never happens so that it becomes understood that only those in authorities are allowed to set and have boundaries. Which is a set up for the mistakes of the previous generation to be repeated again in most of us to some degree or other until we face our own unconscious wounds. But it doesn't have to be that way other than becoming tempted while sticking around only long enough to find an exit away from that sort of thing again. After we put our trust most only in our creator while rejecting the father of lies.
Hi Frances, Thank you so much for your reply. I couldn't agree with you more that information about boundaries is something that we should be taught when we are younger. And it is unfortunate this doesn't generally happen. As someone that used to teach in the schools, I think it could be in the health curriculum along with discussions about how to communicate in difficult situations. It's more complicated than just being able to say "No". I also believe when we know better, we do better, so I'm trying every day to do this in my own life and share it with my loved ones. Take care!
This is how my mother raised me, and this is how I have cooperate with the children sometimes at my previous job as part of our training. The fact that we have to do this with adults
Hi Amy, I'm not quite sure what you mean... can you elaborate?
I wonder why we even have to express our boundarie a second time. One time should be enough right? Consequences after the first time shows the person that we are serious.
From my experience explaining my boundarie a second time only invites 3th time violations and it makes my boundarie taken less serious.
Hi! You have an excellent point. I think it depends on a couple of things a) the severity of the consequence and b) the nature of the relationship. If I think someone hasn't been able to respect my boundary before, then I may choose a one and done approach. Also, if the relationship is more of a workplace one instead of social, I may be more firm at first. If it is a relationship I value, I believe in trying to work towards understanding. However, I also understand some things are automatic no go's like if someone is yelling at me, swearing at me, or calling me names etc., then it's either I try once and get out OR I end things without any warning. It all depends, in my opinion, on context.
However, with that said, you have a really good point. People could take the warning as an opportunity instead of respecting the boundary. Thank you for raising that point!
@@DochasPsych you know.. it should be the other way around. People who are vlose to us should be even more inclined to respect our boundaries at a first warning.
Interesting you mentioned namecalling.
I had a long time friend that I disconnected with a few years ago. When we spoke to eachother again I expressed hpw ai found her way of cutting me off very painful and how I felt an apology would be nessecary. When I said that all hell broke loose. She cursed, namecalled and was very verbally abusive (by text).
I tried to calmly explain that this type 9f language has no place in a healthy friendship in hopes she would change her ways. This didn't happen. Basically we tried texting a few more times and after that I had to end the friendship due to all the evil she spoke to me.
Cutting off is pretty difficult, because that way you never know if the person is even willing to change. She called me last week but I did not pick up the phone, afraid of being cursed at again. I felt that if she really has changed her ways she would first send me a message with a sincere apology amd since that didn't happen I did not feel the need to pick up the phone. But... I can not escape the feeling of guilt it brought me. To not pick up the phone for her. Its so sad when people choose their ego over loving others and sharing a true connection 😞
Very helpful...I have a "friend" whose not respecting a boundary I set out at all. I'm feeling bummed but I gotta end the friendship. Lots of pluses with him but too many harsh negatives, lack of understanding and respect. I may have to stop all contact but concerned he will react very poorly and I know he's going through a hard time with an ill parent but I can't stick my neck out. Very troubled past he has.
It can be really difficult to maintain positive limits with people when we know they're struggling because we do care for them. In those times, I try to remind myself that people are allowed to feel what they feel AND they aren't allowed to treat me poorly because of it. Perhaps this is a friendship that can be put further away from your inner circle rather than being super close to you for a time. Then it could be revisited later. That's the cool thing about boundaries. They can be flexible as conditions change... kind of like when construction barricades are set up - once the job is done (the conditions change), the barricade moves. So, in this case, as your "friend" discovers your limits and begins to honor them, he or she can be allowed closer to you. Does this make any sense? Good luck!
@@DochasPsych wonderfully written, I love your use of the metaphor! Yes so thoughtful and so clear. I like the way you said moving them further away rather then being super close. So I had a big decision to make as to how to approach this problem and today I decided was the day. I decided to saying exactly how I felt as kindly as possible including mentioning the good things I know he possesses yet drawing a strong line in the sand. His response was quick..."ok if that's how you feel..." is all he wrote. Since then I have felt sooooo much better!!! Now I can see even more clearly the situation and how it has been a burden. I can also see how I have been co dependant on him in small ways and over looked that I was accepting poor behaviour on his behalf to feel more secure in a certain area in my life. I dont feel as sad for him now. Just clearer and more energy already. Once in a while I think "oh that will be weird running into him" like how will that go? Will he turn on me? But that's ok to think that for now just not something to worry about. I like never end relationships with friend or the people I've dated so this is really something for me. I've always been overly sympathetic and it's been to my own detriment at times. Thank you!
@@scourneene You're welcome, Sean! And good for you! Sometimes the worst part is the waiting or the stewing about it, rather than actually doing it. And, if you find you are worrying about running into him, it might be helpful to practice some of those scenarios on your own at home to find what feels right to you before it happens. I used to do that before a stressful parent meeting when I was teaching (and it usually turned out my worst case scenarios didn't happen because I was able to stay calm because I felt prepared). Anyway, best of luck and I'm glad you feel some relief!
@@DochasPsych Yes that's a great idea!! The worse part is the stewing for sure!!! Yes I've used that technique before and it can almost become humourous at times or fun. I agree, it's often the worst actual outcome is the one created in one's own mind. I was surprised by his lack of understanding or anything close to "geez I didnt realize how I may of been effecting you and others" and I'm trying not to judge to harshly, it's his path but it also tells me how little self reflection or regret seems to exist which is abit unsettling but I rather feel a small bit that way then the heaviness I did just two days ago. Some people just can't look at their wrongs and change I suppose. Blessing and releasing...thank you once again. Ya I can't imagine being a teacher and dealing with some folks.
@@scourneene I appreciate your insights on this. Good for you!
How are you supposed to “take a breath” when that person is right there, in your face? Extremely hard to do. You don’t say
Can you walk away? I only ask, because we don't know your situation. Perhaps you work at a Customer Service desk.in an Airport. Perhaps you are confined to your home for some reason. I don't think.theres anything wrong with your question at all. Sometimes I have to.walk away.
You're absolutely right! What I will sometimes do is hold up a finger, like "wait a minute" (not the other finger, to be clear), or hold up my hand with palm towards them, like "stop a minute" and I do, absolutely, take the breath in front of them. The other thing I'll use is, if handy, I'll take a sip of water because it keeps me from verbally responding before my brain has a chance to figure out what I want to do/say. Someone I know just says, "no" or "nope" if the person keeps going. Another new favorite is to ask, "What is your purpose right now behind that (statement, behavior, whatever)?" and put it back in their lap to hopefully recognize what they're doing. As Roberta states below, you could try walking away, depending on your situation and return to it when you are able to speak freely. If you are in some of the situations outlined below, I think it's ok to say, "If you continue to speak at me in this way, I will have to serve the next person in line." Then call your manager over and serve the next person in line. Great question and I hope this response is what you were asking about. If not, please let me know and I'll try again. Take care!
Thank you for the explanation!
You're welcome! It is something that is necessary, but so hard to do sometimes!
Please do more videos on setting boundaries your excellent
Thank you! Is there anything in particular about boundaries you'd like to learn/hear? I'll try to tailor something to your request.
@@DochasPsych yes examples of what internal boundaries might be for the individual and what setting
Boundaries with other people might be as a lot of times we know the definition but we don’t know how to compartmentalise it and put it into practice.
Thank you,@@misssafia4013 ! I'm writing these down and will try to get something together for viewing.
How about "I see you, I hear you, and I look forward to talking with you when your turn comes"?
OOOOOHHHHHH! Love it. So respectful. I think it depends on the person though - might escalate things because if they are power trippy, they'll react to the "when your turn comes", but that could also be useful information to work with, especially since you have acknowledged seeing and hearing them. Would love to hear how this one goes for people! Thank you for your suggestion - so helpful!
@@DochasPsych Then how can you rework that part? I think showing or _both_ saying and showing that you see and hear them is important, as ignoring is inherently shaming and may connect to early experiences of disconnect. And I don't have time right at the moment to replay the video, but I may soon! Let us all continue in our search for mutual respect 💕
I know, right@@globalheartwarming ? Hmmmm, I completely agree that showing or both saying and showing that you see and hear them is important. In fact, I think that's the most important part. I guess I was more wondering about using the phrase "I look forward to talking with you when your turn comes" with people who struggle with perceptions of power. Like, "Who are you to decide when MY turn is?" I recognize it will probably be unlikely; however, it is something that comes up in my practice from time to time. For me, the phrase you offered sounds polite and totally appropriate. I wonder about modifying it in those power situations to something like, "I see you, I hear you, and I'm asking you to let me finish" or "I just need a minute" or something like that? I don't know. I guess it depends on how firm you want to be or what the relationship is. Ugh. I'd welcome your ideas for those situations. Have you dealt with people with sensitivities towards power struggles? Thank you for the back and forth. I appreciate discussions that can help others who may also be struggling with these ideas.
Bad sound. Sorry!
Hopefully the newer videos fixed the issue!
Volume level too low
Thanks for your reply. We've taken steps to fix the issue in later videos, so hopefully that helps!
The content is mostly helpful but presentation is a little odd. It sounds like you are recording this video with an air-conditioner or something creating a draft. That makes you a little harder to hear, and indeed when the video first started your vocal delivery sounded muted and rather tentative. If you want your audience inclusive of older people please amplify your delivery just a bit. I like the advice on how to stay calm and maintain one's boundaries. I am dealing with this very issue right now. Thank you.
Hi! Thank you so much for the feedback. In recent videos, I have started using a microphone closer to my mouth, so this should limit the issues. I am also aware I need to slow my speech down and enunciate more, although that is proving a harder struggle. Again, thanks for the reminder!
I can't hear you,Next video a hope better
Hopefully the newer videos are better - we improved the audio.