Yes, I was both the paraded and praised and the scapegoat. My brother was golden in the house and out. Our family disfunction was so obvious to everyone but us. And my parents thought they had it. I knew something was weird, but until you get old enough to tell childhood stories and people are looking at you sadly, you just think all families are like that.
Omg those “funny” family stories where other people who didn’t grow up in the family don’t laugh. The first few times it happened I thought “Wow, people have no sense of humor.” Then I just stopped telling those “funny” family stories. But eventually I realized why people didn’t laugh and sometimes said “That’s terrible.”
I’m the scapegoat. Oldest, caretaker, gave up childhood to care for siblings. My Golden child sister believes she was treated differently because she has a different personality. The family script is I’m negative, unforgiving and stuck in the past. The truth is I’m the only one that has been willing to get therapy and do the work. Now that my Narc Dad has passed I pray that this sibling can come to terms with how abusive they were and how much they were used to scapegoat me. It’s all in God’s hands now. I’m protecting myself from my toxic siblings and coming to a place of acceptance. They may never see me for who I am.
Wow exactly what my Mother tells me and I am the only one who has gone to counseling in my family. What I have learned in my family is they always want to say I have problems but no one wants to look at or take responsibility for their part. I have finally come to peace with myself that my family will never see their part and that is OK.
@@Lifeletnothingholdudown yes, thank you for your comment it helped me RE-visit what I posted so many months ago. Nothing has changed with my siblings in fact our relationship or lack there of is worse but I have more peace about it. Best wishes to you!
I grew up as the golden child with a narcissistic father and enmeshed family dysfunction, and this video helped me realise how big of an influence that was, in hindsight. I'm 27 now, have been more of the scapegoat since I started trying to stand up for myself in my twenties and am now in the midst of the second major depressive episode of my life. Your videos have been so helpful in identifying issues for me. I'm realising that I have severe avoidant attachment, and have been in an identity crisis since my teens, and I've avoided feeling and am full of toxic shame, and am just a big mess at the moment, and carry a lot of guilt with how I've lived my life, who I am. And I've felt that strong sense of avoidant belief that there's something wrong with me my whole life, and yet I've never learned to look out for my own feelings and emotions, so it feels like I've been this pretty self-pitying mess to avoid everything...my self hatred is strong at the moment, I've been in the worst place of dissociation because of it, but I'm working on it slowly, seeing my therapist this week, hypnotherapy in a couple months, and even though the pain hurts, it's better facing it than for it to continue driving my life the way it has. Sending love to anyone else out there who has been struggling
Oh man, I feel your pain. You remind me of myself at your age, although guilt and shame were not my feelings. I was just unable to concentrate or stay in college, having no study habits. I got into therapy about then, too. Good move! You are young. Do you feel that you have a good therapist? If you have someone as good as Heidi, you're in good hands. Stay strong and be patient with your therapy. Most importantly, be open and honest with your therapist. Don't fib about anything. Wellness comes with honesty. Believe me, you can turn this around and have a decent life that is worth living. Take care and keep up your good work. 👍 One other thing the depression comes and goes. No one will get better unless they can get through it. Depression is both your sadness and your pain. ❤
I’m 43 man, very similar situation. Product of narcissistic mentally ill mother who smothered me for the first 17+ years of my life. I’m still resentful that I didn’t have a childhood. Now nothing I do is ever good enough. Compliments make me uncomfortable and I have trouble accepting any criticism. Over the years, I’ve had too many jobs to count, never satisfied. Currently, I’m out of work, going through my 5th Major Depressive Episode w/crippling anxiety which has been the longest and most difficult of my life. Thoughts and prayers to those who are also struggling.
I grew up as the golden child, but once I went off to college and got some distance from my parents, I was able to see them for the flawed human beings that they really were. As a result, I distanced myself, and eventually became the family scapegoat. Interestingly, my younger sister who was initially the scapegoat became the golden child and now she and my mother are like two peas in a pod. I recognize the toxic codependence in their relationship, and I try to stay as far away from my family as I can although I do still communicate by telephone at times. I am currently working on setting boundaries when I am not respected and learning to say no to requests from my mother who has found great joy in kicking me when I have been down in life. It feels good to stand my ground and stick by what I believe in.… Which is that I am worthy of respect and that I do not have to jump when she says jump.
Wow that has to be a terrible mind fuck. Geez! And the scape goat who is now the favorite.....has been neglected and bread crumbed that they are selfishly soaking up the manipulative attention.
I feel like my whole childhood was a cycle of golden child and scapegoat. The fall from grace was a regular occurrance with different caretakers putting us all on various pedestals that were then used to shame us. Going no contact is so hard, but also because I should have done it decades ago
@@bogifabian1 Hey. I'm doing well. No contact took a lot more work, (and a cease and desist letter) but it is sanity inducing. my greatest regret is still that I didn't do it 20 years ago
This is the first video I've seen that discusses the golden child role in terms of morals and worldview, not just achievements, obedience, and looks. As the former golden child of a harsh, dogmatic evangelical Christian dad, this hit home for me. My mom and sister (also Christians, but open-minded) know I'm an agnostic humanist now. I still haven't told my dad. I tell myself it would break his heart thinking I'm "going to hell." In fact, it's more about my fear of being scapegoated like my brother, or talked about behind my back the way he talks about anyone who he knows is not a Protestant Christian. I'm 34, live 30 miles from this man, haven't been financially dependent on him in years, *and* he and my mom are now divorced. It's crazy how much I still worry about what he thinks of me!
My sister was the golden child. My mom would buy her designer t-shirts for school. She would always say how she was the prettiest, cook her favorite foods. Bathe her in clean water and made me bath in her remaining bath water.....In highschool she rebelled and left home while I was away in college. My mom became suicidal because her codependent identity was found in my little sister. What happens when the golden child is rejected and becomes the scapegoat? She is in a no contact state now. She was mad and kicked me out during covid and stated my parents favored me because I was able to graduate college. Even though I worked my way through college. I felt like I lost my little sister. She became suicidal, jealous, and distant. Furious that Ma and Dad allowed me to stay in the porch and didn't allow her. Because living in a porch is the best living arrangement on earth. I do struggle with intimacy because I have trust issues....with my Ma and the golden child little and older sister/family members. How do you learn to trust again after the family economic rape, interactions, and abuse?
This was excellent. I was the Golden Child turned Scapegoat. The fall from grace was the worst thing I ever experienced. You described so accurately my attachment style. It is so validating to hear reasons for what I know now to be true. It's sad that we get dealt this card in life. So out of our own control how we get molded into what we are.
Amazing video, Heidi. Former golden child here. Yep, seeing a therapist *who understands dysfunctional family roles and trauma* is SO important, if also sometimes really tough. I can't encourage other current and former golden children to seek informed professional help strongly enough. I was lucky enough to understand for half of my life that I was a golden child if and only if I both played the Family Hero role and showered my narcissistic mom in empathy, attention, and excuses for her hurtful behaviors. So, instead of having one big fall from grace, I had two smaller (but still traumatic) falls: one when I failed the Family Hero role in a big way that I won't get into here, and the other several years later when I went against my mom's religious beliefs by coming out. This video gave me so much good food for thought and brought some really helpful attention to behaviors of mine that I hadn't connected to my golden child upbringing. Thank you for making this series!
@@desidudes78 Hé shaiden, i'm 17 and i was/am the golden child too. I know the feeling that you should love to have some people that went through something similar to talk to. In this toxic world where nobody even dares to think about their own family-dynamics and how that could have formed themself into the person they have become, it sometimes can be very lonely on an emotional level. I sometimes find it very hard to deal with this loneliness, but last year I went to a psychologist for the first time and it helped me resolve some of my questions and adjust my own frame of reference. It also helped me to become my own friend and to comfort myself. It doesn't succeed all the time, but you'll learn from your faults. I recommend you to reach out to a psychologist who knows about dysfunctional families and the consequences of it. Otherwise you could reach out to me, I think I still need to learn a lot too.
Wow. Thank you. I was a golden child who “fell from grace” at around the age of 20, so almost four years ago. To this day I get reminded of how “good” I used to be and how “bad” I am now. Growing up, I was the shadow of my mom as well as her “therapist” and emotional support from around the age of 9 or 10. It was after I started to disagree with her that she started gaslighting me, giving me silent treatments, crying/screaming of how much I’m always hurting her, and on and on. I’m so relieved to know now what it was that was truly going on because, extremely often, I felt like there must be something terribly wrong with me and that I was a very horrid person.
I was the golden child until i broke down and told my narc mom about the CSA from my father. Crushed hard into the scapegoat. This loop was present before this, this cycle happened many times and got more frequent as was growing up and became more of a human being with an actual personality. But i was too focused on being the perfect toy for my mom to play to notice the problem, Because the moments of approval and praise felt priceless.
I was the scapegoated one born between the golden daughter and the golden son. I did notice the pressure put on my golden siblings to meet the needs of my mother due to her often absent husband. In that way I had freedom because she didn’t want me to be around for her. This changed later in life,but sadly my mother got alzheimer’s and forgot she now liked me. I did appreciate that she did show me love even though she never quite had awareness of harm she caused.( She was a prisoner in a labour camp so suffered a lot of trauma.)
Heide, I'm speechless. 73 years explained, I want to cry, but only because of realising the situation behind the horrors that have gone on. It is never too late to learn. So in amongst all the crap I have a curious mind and wanted/ needed to hear your amazing words. Thank you darling girl and Happy New Year. Sherie Rodrigues from Australia 😍 BTW, I wasn't the golden child, I was the black sheep. Omgoodness. I am flabbergasted.
I just had my fall from Grace. Very painful and disorienting. Thank you for making this video. It’s nice knowing I’m not the only person that has had this experience. I’m in 12 step groups too, can’t express how healing they are for this type of damage. Thank you!!!
Hey I defiantly relate to this. I’m 21 and have experienced being the golden child and scape goat. Ive left my family now and discovered my intuition. I choose to stay away for birthdays, celebrations, festivity’s. I’ve gone as far in boundaries as to completely block my parent out of my life from any possible angle. Having my other parent pass away recently had given the parent the thought that I would come back, that it would be a time to connect and reconcile with little to no action except for forgetting and forgiving solely. Little did they know.. I clearly was not going to conform to this. They still think I am an extended version of themselves & they still think one day i will come back. I have had to forgive them truthfully to not feel as much shame and guilt. But never to their face, forbid them ever knowing I’d forgiven them, they would take it the complete opposing perspective to whatever i portray. This really helped!
Golden child here too. But I was a bit different... more like if I stepped out of line even a little I got harshly criticized while my brother could make the exact same mistakes and be respected for it. Yeah, I got love and praise (or just praise) a lot more because I was genuinely smart and talented, but I got bored of the praise and now I kinda don't give a hoot what they think about me anymore. I just wanna live my own life!!
you hit the nail on the head - i am new to knowing this role but i realize it's the one i was put into as a kid, and i'm starting to discover the backlash of it with my mother, as i am beginning to set more boundaries with her and am not as often putting on the mask of "cheerful bubbly daughter" the way i used to. some things i'm discovering - she's called me childish a number of times when i am in a low mood, to which i ask her to look at her own discomfort with other people's perceived negative emotions, to which she responds with frustration. she often asks me if she remembers the ways she and i were so connected when i was growing up, and if i think that connection still exists. also, i have a lot more compassion towards my oldest sister who was certainly in the scapegoat role, and who i formerly really hated for struggling with addiction and making it everyone else's problem for much of my childhood. i see now ways in which our family system failed both of us, and the work to heal feels exhausting and overwhelming most of the time.
I already knew that but having someone say it out loud and explain it that way was like a gentle kick in the butt. Thank you. I am very aware of the thought patterns of my childhood, believing I was better or superior in some way and holding on to that privilege, wondering how dull life must feel to "average people" . Words can't describe the stupidity I feel when I look back to that time. Even though I can tell that part of "me" isn't completely gone. Maybe it never will be. For me it wasn't just coming from parents though. I had teacher say to my face that I was their number 1 student back in middle school. I would also win sport championships from time to time and get a special treatment for that. Everything was extremely conditional but it was fine by me since I fit the criteria quite well in multiple areas. I wish I had the basic intelligence necessary to recognize the arbitrariness of the situation back then. I felt like a piece of shit among my peers and didn't know how to connect like other kids did. And the thing is I wasn't really pushed to develop the necessary skills to do that since my fuel was mostly coming from the praise I was constantly receiving from the adults around me. Now I want to heal. I want to just be whatever I am. I don't even know if it makes any kind of sense in regards to the human experience, but I wish I could be whole. To love and be loved in the most grounded way possible. I like to think that life wouldn't be worth living if we had nothing to heal. Without that vision, it just sucks too much for me right now. Its hard to feel something other than forever broken when the toxic wiring started so early in childhood. I was getting praised for doing things effortlessly because I enjoyed it and ended up doing it for the praise and loosing myself in the process. For now, knowing there are a ton of people out there who are going through something similar and want to heal is very encouraging. :)
I have to say…you explain the roles better than anyone else! My older sister was the golden & I the scapegoat. It affected both of us in negative ways into adulthood - just as you describe. Our mother went next level before her death - super mean - because she wasn’t feeling well & wasn’t getting her way. Needless to say, her death almost brought a sense of relief to us. It was not a normal grieving reaction. All that being said - you realize that mother became that way because of things that happened to her growing up. It’s a very tough cycle to break. I can’t tell you how helpful these videos are.
I'd like to add my experience. I find it extremely rare for the golden child to ever believe they actually did not deserve the special treatment. Still, to this day my brother (the golden child) does not realize how much my mom idolizes him for reasons he doesn't deserve, acts morally superior to me even though he has anger issues - nor will he ever admit that I'm treated way worse (and have been my whole life) including current times. For instance, if there are 'big issue' arguments my narcissistic mom starts with me (to which I compose myself calmly and properly in), she gets crazy mad and accusatory towards me vs. times he screams at her at over small things/over small annoyances to which she's full of apologies to him afterward/walks on eggshells for him. Interestingly enough, you talked a lot about the golden child over-working in many cases. My brother who was the golden child (I was the scapegoat), is opposite of someone who is a high achiever. He always has some excuse for why he didn't get some job or was fired. The sad thing is my mom still has him convinced that he is never the problem. He currently still lives with her and is in his 40's. He's never had a good romantic relationship. It's never 'because of him'. My mom enables this behavior/false pattern of thinking. At one point in time they even slept in the same bedroom after my dad passed away and my mom frequently took my brother's side regarding political arguments/blow ups he would get into with my dad (soon before my dad died) and my mom would blame my dad for my brother leaving their condo in a rage after my brother was screaming at my dad in his old age (my brother loved to argue and debate with the weak and vulnerable). My dad wouldn't be starting the arguments, was retired and just wanted to relax and enjoy the news but would try to defend his viewpoint if challenged and he was villainized by my mom for doing that b/c of my brother's rage? Sad. My dad even asked if he could move in with me somewhere for a while a few weeks before he died bc when my brother moved in, my dad had little importance to my mom. :S The part you mentioned about emotional incest is definitely true in this case but golden children definitely don't always end up being over achievers. My brother has never held a good job for over a year. My mom still will say extreme compliments to my brother like 'you should be president' or 'they need you to be head of that company' when he won't even work full time at a real job. Really?
This is getting pretty ridiculous... I'm a late-comer to your world, Heidi, but you are unpacking SO much for me. I put this video on in the background while finishing up some work (aaaaaand by the way, I do marketing work for my entrepreneur Dad, lol). While I continued working and casually listening, I had to just drop everything. There was just this sick, sinking feeling. THAT is IT. This didn't just put words to what I've been experiencing and feeling... these are the WORDS I've been SAYING, but I didn't know it was, like... a THING! I'm really gutted by the term Emotional Incest... I felt 100% like my dad was closer to me than he was to my mom, as he would confide things in me that I definitely didn't know how to handle or navigate. (This has also had the effect of making me TERRIFIED of marrying someone that I don't share a PERFECT connection with.) At any rate, I'm going to book some SERIOUS therapy time ASAP, because this is EXACTLY how I have felt, and I actually just had my fall from grace with the other figure I had latched onto to replace him, and I'm seeing the attachment re-form with my Dad... WOWZA, gonna need to do some real work. THANK YOU HEIDI!!!!
My parents saw me as patient and compassionate. They saw my brother as quick-witted and smart. This is what they both praised and expected from us. Anything outside of these given identities was met with disgust. My brother rebelled, did his own thing, and felt unloved. I felt loved, did my best to always live up to their image of me, but split away from anything outside of their identity. They did this unconsciously and thought they were responding to who we were. What i identify most with is when you described a dysfunctional family as being one where the needs of the parents come before the needs of the child. Thanks again for sharing your wisdom and curiosity.
Thank you for your content❤️ I always knew I was the favorite. I self identified as a “daddy’s girl” up until my early twenties when I finally got enough distance and feedback from other people that my relationship was weird. Growing up I never liked the way my siblings were treated but I would blame them for not doing what they were told or just keeping their damn mouth shut when dad was angry. I knew that who I really was, was not as good and perfect as my parents projected onto me so I had a lot of shame and would hide things or lie and would definitely not ask for help because that would make me seem weak and not perfect. I started my journey of learning about narcissism and all the trauma roles my family played or were given, when my scapegoat sister mentioned our father was a narcissist. It helped me identify why I felt so empty and lost as an adult. I also learned about codependency and started my journey towards healing. It’s a long hard road. Good luck to everyone, wherever you are in your journey.
Whoooooa yeah Golden Child here!🥇 I grew up in an *extremely* codependent relationship with my mother, throughout my 20s. Now, being 35 I'm getting my sense of self back, with the help of my husband who's so supportive. I've been to therapists but ya know what, I'm at the point I'm sick of talking about it lol! I'm just trying to follow my passions and notice my likes/dislikes. Thanks for the vid!
Wow. The way you outlined my life.. the fall from grace is so hard but the healing is powerful. Couldn't agree more that therapy is amazing and the key to healing. Thanks for this and all your videos as usual
Woww, i'm so glad i found this video. You finally uncovered what I just needed to hear. Basically, my mom is the narcissist of my family, I was the golden child for my religious platform in church. But because Im not straight, it led me to trying to find a balance between self expression, and still pleasing my parents in the church. But the moment I opened my mouth, I experienced this "fall from grace". The past three years have been a roller coaster, I've oscillated between trying to get away and leaving my parents, and then to clinging so hard to them and shaming myself, and I fell into a lot of dark coping habits. Now ive moved out and am on the path of trying to heal my disorganized attachment and mom and dad wounds. I am no contact with my mom, starting a few weeks ago. thank you so much for making this video. I feel seen
Definitely am the Hero, Golden Child, and Caregiver as an only child. It’s extremely difficult, but I’m glad to have seen the videos. Want to share this to my aunt who helmed the Caregiver role before.
I was always the girl who was not the golden child. At some point I believed I was good for nothing. But it was only later that I realised I was actually good in everything. But not the best in everything. Although it's not the best thing to be, it's me and I am happy to be that. 😊
My older sister was the golden Child she dedicated her whole life to my father… was the first one in a family to get a degree, always excelled at school and sport, she became an accountant just like my father, always a perfectionist, my father passed away 6 years ago, she still doesn’t know herself and she thinks that dad loved her and not the others because the others didn’t get to college and used to fight a lot with my father. My father told her that the problem was with the other children when he was a narcissist
"It is difficult to unlearn praise being equivalent to love." I had to pause on this one for a while lol, genuinely shocked. Well how else am I meant to know I'm loved?! :P "The normal world doesn't require you to never make a mistake." *deep breath* That sounds lovely :) Also don't worry about the clothing :P I didn't even notice. Besides, it's your content that is awesome :) In a few years it will be very trendy to wear a "uniform" :) You're ahead of the times! I wear one myself but I think most people assume I just never change clothes :P Eh. Super interesting video, thank you!
I recognize these things now. But, I did go no contact for 6+ years. I still live halfway across the country, won’t go back there, and know how long to stay when I visit, no more than 2 nights and then time to go home because things start to change real fast….The best part is, that I built a life for myself, far away from them. I put myself through college, bought my own homes…everything I did, I did on my own. I am very proud of these accomplishments and very grateful. And as time went on, sometimes I would just remember, “ It’s okay, now. No more. It’s over. “ But, not out of fear or resentment…it was just feeling alive and relief. It felt like my chest had some huge burden removed and I could finally breathe..because I know they have absolutely no say in anything anymore and absolutely cannot hurt me. .Feels like a clean slate, new life..and now, it’s been years and years since them. I am still learning to like myself a little better, but definitely feel more comfortable and confident in my own skin…because I became who I needed…and that feels sooo good. I learned to have faith in myself when I stopped having to listen to them.
I was an only child and whipsawed back and forth between GC and SG so fast it could give you whiplash. On the one hand, I was an academic standout, so my dad projected all the unfulfilled hopes and dreams he had had for himself onto me-mostly, attending college and having a successful professional career. Everything was focused on me getting good grades, getting into a top-shelf college, etc., etc. I was loved and lavished with praise so long as I did those things. That lasted until I made any kind of mistake at all, or got below an A- on my report card, suddenly I was the SG, was worthless, would end up living in a van down by the river, "Why do I waste my time on you?", etc.
My golden child older sister meets all this. She’s a doctor, perfectionist, has an eating disorder, severe anxiety and an exercise addiction. In the last couple of years she briefly and secretively told me she needed therapy and then jokes it off. She’s made comment she’s terrified of death. I love her dearly but she is so full of fear and the way she can bottle all that up for the sake of saving face and looking like her duke don’t stink is some kind of phenomenon. I’m the lucky 🫤scapegoat. I was once the golden child because I was Identified as “the pretty one”. Now I meet every stereotypical mark as GC turned SG. Divorced, PTSD, over weight & single. But omg, I have so much peace being able to see it all objectively. I pity who I was in those roles as the GC as well as SG, and I see how my sister lived the reverse of that and is truly burdened by keeping up with imaginary narc parent expectations. It’s so warped, I truly believe it’s spiritual.
This is so incredibly helpful- the frame shift from golden child to scapegoat has happened so suddenly. I finally asked for some time alone with my dad, as I was his support / bff because he doesn’t enjoy my stepmothers company. I stopped texting my stepmother because I didn’t want to - she is unkind and bigoted. That’s all it took!He no longer stays in contact with me, nor I him. I haven’t figured out what my responsibilities are in having any relationship with him moving forward. Thank you for making this incredible series!
Wow, this one hit hard. Yes, that was me. And the guilt part …! It all rings true in my experience. Thank your for explaining this so succinctly. You’re helping me reflect and understand myself better with these videos.
Healing golden child here. There was so much useful information and familiarities I can identify from my own family dynamic. Thank you for being so thorough and supportive in your message
Hello Heidi! Your videos on attachment theory literally changed my life, and Im learning through them every day. I feel core changes in me and finally feel im on a right path in the relationship with myself for the first time in my life. I cant possibly thank you enough for that, you are amazing and i can see in the coments other people feel that way too. You truly have a gift. The thing i wanted to ask if you could make a video about what is happening in a parent that they treat the child in a certain way which puts the child in this or other roles. What are parent's feelings and beliefs that lead them to interact and treat their child in this unhealthy way. How they see it and what stands behind that. Why they do it? How they can become aware that theyre doing it and how to change it? If you already made a video in which you talked about it, ok, ill get to it eventually, if not i would really appreciate you making video on this. Im deeply grateful for all your videos ❤
Is it possible to be a lost child & golden child? I learned from a very young age to hide myself and be invisible. I learned to not express my feelings and to stay silent. I learned it was best to do what my parents wanted in order to feel safe and survive. Because of this, I've being seen as the easy child or the child who had it "good". I've being favored by my parents even without them realizing it. I've heard growing up how my parents wished my siblings were like me and how I'm the families only hope. Though I've never felt superior to anyone but I always feel guilty and feel like I can never make a mistake. One time I spoke up against my dad and after that he started treating me differently. He told me my sister, who is the family scapegoat, brainwashed me. I realized then he doesn't think I can make my own decisions, that I'm just an extension of her if I decide to "act out." But things went back to how they were and I'm now again seen as the good child. No one in my family sees the pain I'm in and I've being to afraid to express it. They don't think I experienced abuse as bad as them because of the way I'm treated and how I act.
I was the golden child growing up but then married a person who recreated my childhood family. In this new family, I took on the role of the scapegoat and our daughter became the golden child. Luckily we are in therapy with a wonderful therapist that recognized what was happening when I was growing up and what is happening now and we are on our way to recovery. Thank you for such an informative video I saw myself and my daughter in most of it.
my fall from grace occurred when I was 17. I started calling my parents out for treating my sister like the scapegoat. I am 25 now and still struggle with this desire for my parents approval, it sucks because it isnt until I am reflecting on things later I realize what I was doing. I feel like in finding myself, my parents found new traits in me that they are projecting onto and I feel as though I am at the beginning of a cycle of being the golden child that will eventually fall from grace again :(
Golden child here, and I’m a fear-avoidance smh. I didn’t know this is part of where it started as well as having an emotionally unstable parent that was very unpredictable. I’m 33 now. Have failed with finding a therapist that understood and now I know what to seek help with. Thank you Heidi
I went through several roles in my family. For most of my childhood, I was the invisible child. Then once we discovered that I have certain skills that made my family "proud" of me, I suddenly became the golden child. At first it felt good because I thought I would finally be recognized and taken more seriously, but I quickly figured out that I was only "taken seriously" when I happened to agree with everyone else. Whenever I said anything that disagreed with the narcs in my family, I got shouted down. By the time I had my fall from grace, I was already seeing the family toxicity for what it was, and it was VERY satisfying to tell the narcs that they weren't going to have their golden child/grandchild after all. Especially since they didn't care that I was also the scapegoat for 2 members of my family. They also didn't appreciate the things I did when I took on the role of the helper child after my non-narc parent died. As hard as it was, I've learned a lot of valuable lessons from all this and have really started coming into my own in recent years. I've been working on myself and improving my life, while the people who used to make my life hell are now stuck with each other, wallowing in self-pity, and making each other's lives hell.
I'm a golden child, my fall from grace happened a whole ago and woke me up to the dynamics in the family. But I'm still in process of separating from trying to please my parents. The most difficult for me is to not place the craving of validation from them onto other people, such as my bosses. I still a lot of work to do. On the bright side, my brother who is the scapegoat got into therapy and forgave me! I'm incredibly grateful, and together we cut off parents from their supply through praise/blame swings.
As both the hero and the golden child, I eventually realized how the family dynamics affects all my siblings. I have always felt like a parentified child to the point that I never truly felt like a kid. My siblings have always felt that I was loved more but at the same time, I felt pressured to always do right. I was secretly afraid of not proving my worth. It shocks me how being the golden child is connected to me being unable to connect to other people. I have always felt that my relationships are shallow and love to me is conditional. I feel bad for my husband because as much as I try to negate my own instinct, sometimes my love is conditional because I have never felt I could be love if I was unworthy. I was expected to act a certain way, to keep standards high for my siblings, to have high grades and i always conformed. The guilty feeling was also real. Growing up, i felt guilt and an overwhelming need to overcompensate with my siblings to the point that I feel that I dont have enough emotions left to love people other than my family.
❤ great! When my children were young, their father treated them differently. My son played sports and his dad seems to live vicariously through his athletic achievements. Sports were taken far too seriously ☹️. I would have never guessed anything about projection.
I feel like I was the Golden child of all of the cousins in my generation for my Dad’s side of the family’s…realizing this has been very eye opening and deeply saddening
I've experienced a combination of scapegoat and golden child. Where the father was the baby and the scapegoat in his family. So he allows the child that is rebellious to act like a adult in a Karen like way. And his other daughter acts like he feels like he should have. So she gets the high expectations of the golden child role. Thank you for the video
I was the golden child but fought hard to not accept it. I inherently did not want to be treated differently or like the attention. However my parents loved to take credit for my grades and accomplishments throughout grade school. They even got me a car when I graduated high school because I was the child going to college. I got pregnant my junior year and that fall from grace was HARD. My dad stopped speaking to me altogether. He would just pass me in the home like I was not there. I’m 30 now and have still not recovered from that fall. I moved far away from the family after graduating college and have since gotten my doctorate degree and a great job but I still have a hard time connecting with them or believing ppl will stay once they see I’m not perfect. It leads me to working out excessively and retreating into my own world. It’s a tough journey.
Funny it gets down to minutiae. I remember things like being late for school and rinsing a bowl quickly and leaving it in the sink and my dad saying. Your brother would never do that. Praising him was a way my parents could actually relate to each other. My mom would watch TV with him with my brothers head on her lap. I tried this and she literally pushed me away. But then I realised an icky factor about it. His signature was being compliant in a frightening household ... He was also my babysitter who molested me. ... and my mom knew it. He could do no wrong. Denial is pathetic.
I would love recommendations for Good balanced and kind therapists that are adept at treating both Fearful Avoidant style, and address the "golden child" role. It would have to be Online- as i am situated in Israel. I've been in therapy, but it was never very helpful or really worth the money. Thank you for all that you bring- you are wonderfully brilliant 💜
I remember you posting this series and I'm like I don't have a narcissist parent so I'll skip these. And today, at 41, 7 years after I realized my husband had NPD and started my healing journey, I realized that I do. And my brother was the scapegoat. She's more covert, but she lies so much I realize that my entire childhood is not what I remember
So I just actually watched this and cried through almost all of it. I navigated my fall from grace without a therapist, while navigating a divorce with a narcissist, and severe autoimmune disease resulting in disability, (that wouldn't be as bad if they were treated in my teen years). My whole 30s was focused on self growth and healing and I've done it alone irl, but with supportive friends online. I've been considering going no contact with my mom but felt a tremendous amount of guilt from all the gaslighting she's done, and like I was the bad daughter. And you took that burden from me and I can't thank you enough. I have panic disorder and PTSD and I've had severe anxiety since childhood now it All makes sense. I feel so at peace right now. The fact that I've turned it as strong as I have is a real testament to my dad, who I spent much more time with.
This discussion makes perfect sense for my position. I am the "Golden child", Im the baby. I bucked the system and my mother wrote me off, saying "ill see you on the other side".along with my older brother, because we stood our ground. She says she loves us, but in the same breath hates us. The relationship with my wife has suffered greatly. My wife and her family shows unconditional love to make me feel like a normal person. Add to the pain, my mother and father won't have anything to do with my son and do not recognize him as their grandson.
I was raised as an only child pretty much because my half-brother is much older than me. He moved across the country, and he became the scapegoat eventually. I also moved states away to a city like him. I feel like we were both raised with this as one of our roles but just quite literally 18 years apart.
I actually quite relate to this role. I can see my past and present be reflected in your key points. I certainly have to re-listen to this video to hear them again! Fantastic job at organizing this topic. And cool thing, it was published on my birthday! :)
I'm a golden child who was also the caregiver. Oldest of 10 and homeschooled. I'm just starting to come out of denial and it hurts. The amount of repressed anger in me is insane. I want to get back to who I was at 5!
At the 2 minute mark, it finally hit me what all the praise from my mom was about that I was a genius like her dad. (Her dad was a rocket scientist who has patents for rocket telemetry in the 1960s, so there was some amount of objective genius she got to talk about, at least.) She had good enough grades and got a math degree and all that, but my understanding of her school time was that she was more Hufflepuff than Ravenclaw. And her dad was a very 1950s stereotypical kind of dad in terms of caregiving and not attending piano recitals and whatnot - that was all mom's job. In me, she could raise the genius she wasn't ascribed to be. She could connect with her father finally, because look at this beloved grandchild (and I was beloved; I was the first grandchild) who is clearly very smart. No wonder my parents think I faked my autism diagnosis. There's a lot of hero dysfunction in me - probably more than golden child; my wife looked at the types for 10 seconds and went, "yep, you were the hero" - but this is how golden child manifested. Now I'm going to watch the remaining 17 minutes of video. Wow.
Ouahh .. I’m shocked , what you explained is what I lived.. and created a lot of problems in my adult life especially with my wife and friends as you said . Thanks a lot , a BIG wake up for me started just few months ago . Alex
I was the scapegoat of my family. A middle child and tossed off to the side with my little sister so my older brother could shine first. My sister and I would often jab and jest out mom when she blatantly cared for my brother more than us. Example, when my sister and I were young and without drivers licenses, we were left in the house without food while our parents visited him in the hospital after a nasty drunken tumble and his first fall from grace. Since that tumble almost 10 years ago, my brother has been on an off toggle of anger unmanaged and doing what he feels like. What he feels like can benefit sometimes depending on his mood. One time he gave me sound advice about not listening to my parents bash me, but I was too deep in the manipulation to notice. Most of the other times, he simply likes to hear himself talk. Though I am no contact with my family, I just got married this year and I invited everyone to the wedding. It seems to have hit my brother and sister hard because they believed me to be the most likely to die alone. From this action, both of them now have partners. Though my sister disowns me for leaving the family behind, seeing that my brother hasn’t been in a relationship around in a LONG time, I do hope if he is on a better path with someone good, he is talking out his burden with her.
I feel like I’ve oscillated between being the golden child and the scapegoat, but I think it depends whether my parent is the golden child or the scapegoat at the time
As the oldest and the scapegoat, i had one sibling who COULD have been the golden child, but saw the unfairness and didn't like it. An argument was decided in her favor, and she immediately saw that it was unfair, and saw that it was a pattern. She offered me a deal: if we had a disagreement, we would settle it ourselves, without involving parents. The youngest, (the golden child), would sit there gloating and making faces. She told bald-faced lies just to watch the other two get yelled at. She saw the chronic unfairness of it all and reveled in it. As a result, i often included the middle child in my activities and endeavors. The golden child, not so much.
I think my parents turned every kid in their care into the golden child at some point. A lot of these golden child traits apply to me and I've seen it apply to my siblings. I was never "praised" I was just expected to be perfect. Not doing what was expected brought down the hammer. A good example is when my mother died I didn't have enough money to fly home. so my parents paid for the ticket. My stepmother called me the day after I got back home from the funeral to demand I pay her back right away. This lasted for two months. My stepbrother had found out at some point and got in an argument with his mother. He told me he told her if it had been him or his sister she wouldn't have taken it this far. And it's true. I was 32 when that happened. That had been the first time I had borrowed money from my parents in over a decade. I never will again.
I'm seeing it as an alienated dad with my daughter. What I found incredibly hard, was that I was also fostered at times and went off to the military, and was involved with lots of other good healthy folk. But my mum tried keeping hold of me and ruining my life every single time, guilting me and taking over, keeping me as her rag doll. And she even hot involved with alienating my kids from me .. her and my ex wife. I'm almost 60 now, my kids can't stand me, my mum is dead, I've pulled away from all the dangerous toxic folk, and am just trying to make my own life as the person I am allowing myself to be .. it's a very different person to who I was being all those years .. I actually don't have to keep a smile on my face or let everyone be dominant over me
4:04 The deal isn’t just for preferential treatment, it’s for *safety*. How our parent treats the scapegoat shows us how we will be treated if we don’t devote our entire being to anticipating and meeting the parents needs. I don’t say that to minimize what the scapegoat goes through or imply that they could also have been safe if they acted differently. But I often hear people talk about the carrots we got and rarely about the stick we were desperately trying to avoid.
My mother destroyed the whole family, but I recently found out at the age of 42 what personality disorder means.... My mother didn't deserve to stay free, kept me a slave for 40 years and I didn't know He took care to destroy all my relationships, it's hard to explain in words what I live at my age Loneliness, poverty and I can't find solutions to save myself from the serious illness like my mother.
Hello, Heidi! I was wondering if you could create a video about 'learned helplessness' and how to overcome it. Your videos are incredibly informative and of a high standard. Thank you for all your valuable content!"
First born and last born both GC, girls. 2nd born brother....probably SG, until I came along. Then I, 3rd born, became the primary SG. Only me and the first born left, both parents deceased. She fully believes that she "worked for everything!"
It looks like everyone has a different definition of "scapegoat", "black sheep", and "golden child". And some have even new names like "hero". I think some children fulfill multiple of these roles (like moi).
I was definitely no Golden child. But I definitely have the attributes of it in my life in the sense that I can't just can't take any criticism, it shatters my world, I come from a perfectionists family. I played scape goat then moved into Hero, now after marriage im the care taker of my parents emotional needs. I guess I was ENFPing even the dysfunctional roles 🤣🤣🤣
I guess all in all my brother was the golden child. The oldest, best student. He was a rager and bully. I might have had some golden child thing for a bit only that I didn't require much work, and my mother detested work, and I listened to her, and she went on and on about herself all the time. But I had nothing to show off. She told me about her first lover when I was after we watched The Way We Were. My brother died young. He ate himself to death. I had the role of trying to protect my younger sisters from him, but I feel guilt, in that I wasn't always nice to my sisters myself. In the end, I think my sisters definitely are narcissists and brother... not as clear as an adult. He was a rager and bully. Fit thrower. But grew up, perhaps, with a sense of right and wrong. Maybe I'm wrong. He definitely lacked empathy and was cruel. I solidified my role as the scapegoat when I left home and didn't know any family member of origin. Not for decades. Suddenly I'm remembering my youngest sister and crying. I wish I had been nicer to her. I wish I never hurt her for one thing. She was always the lost child. She didn't move around roles like me. And I was most attached to her because I thought she was my baby, essentially. And I was a crappy mother, a hurt child myself. And I've remembered that I loved her and I haven't laid eyes on her in 34 years. I think I was somewhat nicer to my older sister, still younger than me, just because I didn't start out as close to her. And she too was a lost child, but had dyslexia, insisted she got therapy because of sexual abuse from my brother, and got more, in the end, than my younger sister and maybe even more than me.
I was the golden child, but played the caretaker as well. I started self-reflection and looking at the dynamics of my family after I learned I was sexually abused.; 22 years old. The scapegoat or my oldest sister was beyond mean to me (we dont have a relationship today) and so was all of my other siblings. I tried to mend our relationship but she refused. I tried for 10 years but she continued to push me away. Im 51 today and have worked my ass off to self actualize through writing my stories in books (7) showing empathy and compassion to my siblings, acknowledging their pain, and pain and no longer allowing them to blame me. Ive never felt better about myself. I did the work and its paid off. I finally love and choose me. Im an amazing spiritual being experiencing the human experience, loving all of me and my flaws and giving back to humans. I became a therapist so that I can help people heal. I have no regrets, but I do wish my oldest sister could see the truth. The issue was our unhealthy parents. When my closest sister would ask; what happened to me? I would say "your parents" I knew something wasnt right when I noticed the differences in us. I sought the answers and found freedom in those. ❤ Life is good to. I was born validated so i no longer seek it. Life is really good today. I am free.
Can you be the hero child and the scapegoat child simultaneously? I've never been a troublemaker, but I've always been ignored by my parents and ganged up on by my siblings yet I am the highest achieving in everything.
I was the golden child/ scapegoat hybrid. It never felt good, it always felt disgusting and embarrassing to be the golden child. I was only golden in public, a scapegoat in private. I’m currently in my FINAL fall from grace era thank goodness
its so sad (not in a bad way) to hear that the scapegoat and golden child roles are some of the most extreme, I was put into the golden child role and had an extreme fall from grace in my early teens, and my younger sister was the scapegoat and still kind of is unfortunately. I am sure there are other roles that me and my sister(s) fit into that I dont know about, but for a long time these were the main dynamics of my childhood
I know it's an old video, but I wonder: how does this work with an only child? could you do a video on how the family roles& dynamics differ then? Thank you. PS: I love your videos, a lot of them have been enlightening. You & crappy childhood fairy have both a lot of wisdom.
I was considered “the golden child “ by my siblings. I was the oldest of 5 children , the first daughter of a narcissistic mother. My mother is engulfing and always treated me like an extension of her and I hated every minute of it. I was looked at as the “good girl” and obedient one. It was definitely how my mother identified in her family of origin. All I wanted was to be the invisible child. I was in somewhat of a parentified role and it was highly stressful. I almost now considered it as emotional incest. At age 51 I finally had to start addressing this issue because it caused me to go into 3 consecutive narcissistic relationship, the most recent one lasting 12 years with a woman who was 23 years older than me. The narcissistic abuse almost destroyed me. I gray rock my mother as much as possible and I really want to be completely “no contact”. I want to completely remove myself from this family. I consider myself as “the black sheep” because my “angelic” mother has triangulated all my siblings against me. I have a weight problem that resulted from years of stress and anxiety from dealing with all this. I used carbs to comfort myself. This family was highly collective and there was no individualization. There was zero boundaries. I only recently found out what boundaries are. I’m very isolated and fear that I will be alone for the rest of my life. My family trauma left me introverted, highly empathetic and highly sensitive. I have trouble making friends and cannot do romantic relationships either. I can’t wait to figure out how to leave this family forever. I focus on my career and doing everything I can to take care of myself, something I could never do before.
Golden child/caretaker...at the age of 20 I went no contact, and move across the world. Suicidal move, but I was lucky,( mushrooms, zen, psychoanalysis) I survived, against all the odds.
If one child is seen as competent the mother may want to keep him close to her if she if she depises her husband. She grooms him to be tied to her in her golden years, in the event her marraige is bad. She probably plays the kid and husband off each other. This was not the situation in my family, however. I love Heidi's take on Golden Children; she covers all scenarios. There were two golden siblings in my dysfunction family. I was the scapegoat. My golden child sister bullied me from age 3. This year she died having a narcisstic collapse. She never figured out who she was and refused treatment. Life is hard. Figuring out all the insanity can take a lifetime. And certainly, most just live and cope as best as possible.
I'm only at 6 minutes but as I already had to restrain myself to comment after a few seconds lol I have to now haha. Great video, preicous informations, very well put. Amazing. I'm gonna keep watching and listen carefully, maybe roll a join to savour all that's being said lol
I’m an only child who had different maternal step-siblings and different points in my childhood 😅. I got to be the golden child between the marriages but I’m pretty sure I was either the hero or last child during and persona non gratis after coming out. It was strange when I left, feeling essentially detached from any responsibility to family but I’d exaggerate and fawn when needed so I wouldn’t been seen as weak or struggling 🤷🏽♀️.
Connection between being the golden child and medical neglect because since I was the Golden Child, nothing could possibly be wrong with me even though I had all the same symptoms of my scapegoat brother. He was able to get treatment even if it came from a bad place (always trying to figure out what was "wrong" with him) and it took until I was 30 to get a goddamn neurological disorder diagnosed, never mind the ADHD/ASD symptoms. First time she ever sent me to therapy was for anger management because I started "talking back" to her at 14/15. But independence isn't allowed, I had to be her mini me and couldn't express an opinion or there were consequences.
Yes, I can relate. Dad's golden child. He compared siblings to me. Mom's scapegoat. She said horrible things to me and slandered me, but would shame me for achieving things then take credit for my accomplishments. Basically hated by everyone. Felt like my existence was just a burden. Still unsure how to connect with people.
Yes, I was both the paraded and praised and the scapegoat. My brother was golden in the house and out. Our family disfunction was so obvious to everyone but us. And my parents thought they had it. I knew something was weird, but until you get old enough to tell childhood stories and people are looking at you sadly, you just think all families are like that.
Yeah, I had the same experience when I told a coworker something and laughed and he immediately backed away.
Your family sounds a lot like mine.
Omg those “funny” family stories where other people who didn’t grow up in the family don’t laugh. The first few times it happened I thought “Wow, people have no sense of humor.” Then I just stopped telling those “funny” family stories. But eventually I realized why people didn’t laugh and sometimes said “That’s terrible.”
I’m the scapegoat. Oldest, caretaker, gave up childhood to care for siblings. My Golden child sister believes she was treated differently because she has a different personality. The family script is I’m negative, unforgiving and stuck in the past. The truth is I’m the only one that has been willing to get therapy and do the work. Now that my Narc Dad has passed I pray that this sibling can come to terms with how abusive they were and how much they were used to scapegoat me. It’s all in God’s hands now. I’m protecting myself from my toxic siblings and coming to a place of acceptance. They may never see me for who I am.
Wow exactly what my Mother tells me and I am the only one who has gone to counseling in my family. What I have learned in my family is they always want to say I have problems but no one wants to look at or take responsibility for their part. I have finally come to peace with myself that my family will never see their part and that is OK.
@@Lifeletnothingholdudown yes, thank you for your comment it helped me RE-visit what I posted so many months ago. Nothing has changed with my siblings in fact our relationship or lack there of is worse but I have more peace about it. Best wishes to you!
I'm so sorry . So was I.
God bless you.
Bless you! Scapegoat here!
I grew up as the golden child with a narcissistic father and enmeshed family dysfunction, and this video helped me realise how big of an influence that was, in hindsight. I'm 27 now, have been more of the scapegoat since I started trying to stand up for myself in my twenties and am now in the midst of the second major depressive episode of my life. Your videos have been so helpful in identifying issues for me. I'm realising that I have severe avoidant attachment, and have been in an identity crisis since my teens, and I've avoided feeling and am full of toxic shame, and am just a big mess at the moment, and carry a lot of guilt with how I've lived my life, who I am. And I've felt that strong sense of avoidant belief that there's something wrong with me my whole life, and yet I've never learned to look out for my own feelings and emotions, so it feels like I've been this pretty self-pitying mess to avoid everything...my self hatred is strong at the moment, I've been in the worst place of dissociation because of it, but I'm working on it slowly, seeing my therapist this week, hypnotherapy in a couple months, and even though the pain hurts, it's better facing it than for it to continue driving my life the way it has. Sending love to anyone else out there who has been struggling
Oh man, I feel your pain. You remind me of myself at your age, although guilt and shame were not my feelings. I was just unable to concentrate or stay in college, having no study habits. I got into therapy about then, too. Good move! You are young. Do you feel that you have a good therapist? If you have someone as good as Heidi, you're in good hands. Stay strong and be patient with your therapy. Most importantly, be open and honest with your therapist. Don't fib about anything. Wellness comes with honesty. Believe me, you can turn this around and have a decent life that is worth living. Take care and keep up your good work. 👍 One other thing the depression comes and goes. No one will get better unless they can get through it. Depression is both your sadness and your pain. ❤
@@kirstinstrand6292 Thank you
I’m 27 too and I led a similar life as yours. We’re in this together 💪 stay strong
I’m 43 man, very similar situation. Product of narcissistic mentally ill mother who smothered me for the first 17+ years of my life. I’m still resentful that I didn’t have a childhood.
Now nothing I do is ever good enough. Compliments make me uncomfortable and I have trouble accepting any criticism. Over the years, I’ve had too many jobs to count, never satisfied. Currently, I’m out of work, going through my 5th Major Depressive Episode w/crippling anxiety which has been the longest and most difficult of my life. Thoughts and prayers to those who are also struggling.
@@timfesko6765what is the reason behind compliments making you uncomfortable, do you know? I would like to understand because l have the same.
I grew up as the golden child, but once I went off to college and got some distance from my parents, I was able to see them for the flawed human beings that they really were. As a result, I distanced myself, and eventually became the family scapegoat. Interestingly, my younger sister who was initially the scapegoat became the golden child and now she and my mother are like two peas in a pod. I recognize the toxic codependence in their relationship, and I try to stay as far away from my family as I can although I do still communicate by telephone at times. I am currently working on setting boundaries when I am not respected and learning to say no to requests from my mother who has found great joy in kicking me when I have been down in life. It feels good to stand my ground and stick by what I believe in.… Which is that I am worthy of respect and that I do not have to jump when she says jump.
Wow that has to be a terrible mind fuck. Geez! And the scape goat who is now the favorite.....has been neglected and bread crumbed that they are selfishly soaking up the manipulative attention.
I feel like my whole childhood was a cycle of golden child and scapegoat. The fall from grace was a regular occurrance with different caretakers putting us all on various pedestals that were then used to shame us. Going no contact is so hard, but also because I should have done it decades ago
Same here. How are you doing? ❤️
@@bogifabian1 Hey. I'm doing well. No contact took a lot more work, (and a cease and desist letter) but it is sanity inducing. my greatest regret is still that I didn't do it 20 years ago
@@bogifabian1 ❤🤗
This is the first video I've seen that discusses the golden child role in terms of morals and worldview, not just achievements, obedience, and looks. As the former golden child of a harsh, dogmatic evangelical Christian dad, this hit home for me.
My mom and sister (also Christians, but open-minded) know I'm an agnostic humanist now. I still haven't told my dad. I tell myself it would break his heart thinking I'm "going to hell." In fact, it's more about my fear of being scapegoated like my brother, or talked about behind my back the way he talks about anyone who he knows is not a Protestant Christian.
I'm 34, live 30 miles from this man, haven't been financially dependent on him in years, *and* he and my mom are now divorced. It's crazy how much I still worry about what he thinks of me!
True inner worlds need to be seen and encouraged to become emotionally healthy adults.
My sister was the golden child. My mom would buy her designer t-shirts for school. She would always say how she was the prettiest, cook her favorite foods. Bathe her in clean water and made me bath in her remaining bath water.....In highschool she rebelled and left home while I was away in college. My mom became suicidal because her codependent identity was found in my little sister. What happens when the golden child is rejected and becomes the scapegoat? She is in a no contact state now. She was mad and kicked me out during covid and stated my parents favored me because I was able to graduate college. Even though I worked my way through college. I felt like I lost my little sister. She became suicidal, jealous, and distant. Furious that Ma and Dad allowed me to stay in the porch and didn't allow her. Because living in a porch is the best living arrangement on earth. I do struggle with intimacy because I have trust issues....with my Ma and the golden child little and older sister/family members. How do you learn to trust again after the family economic rape, interactions, and abuse?
This was excellent. I was the Golden Child turned Scapegoat. The fall from grace was the worst thing I ever experienced. You described so accurately my attachment style. It is so validating to hear reasons for what I know now to be true. It's sad that we get dealt this card in life. So out of our own control how we get molded into what we are.
Amazing video, Heidi.
Former golden child here. Yep, seeing a therapist *who understands dysfunctional family roles and trauma* is SO important, if also sometimes really tough. I can't encourage other current and former golden children to seek informed professional help strongly enough.
I was lucky enough to understand for half of my life that I was a golden child if and only if I both played the Family Hero role and showered my narcissistic mom in empathy, attention, and excuses for her hurtful behaviors. So, instead of having one big fall from grace, I had two smaller (but still traumatic) falls: one when I failed the Family Hero role in a big way that I won't get into here, and the other several years later when I went against my mom's religious beliefs by coming out.
This video gave me so much good food for thought and brought some really helpful attention to behaviors of mine that I hadn't connected to my golden child upbringing. Thank you for making this series!
where can i find other golden children for support? i'm really struggling
@@desidudes78 Hé shaiden, i'm 17 and i was/am the golden child too. I know the feeling that you should love to have some people that went through something similar to talk to. In this toxic world where nobody even dares to think about their own family-dynamics and how that could have formed themself into the person they have become, it sometimes can be very lonely on an emotional level. I sometimes find it very hard to deal with this loneliness, but last year I went to a psychologist for the first time and it helped me resolve some of my questions and adjust my own frame of reference. It also helped me to become my own friend and to comfort myself. It doesn't succeed all the time, but you'll learn from your faults. I recommend you to reach out to a psychologist who knows about dysfunctional families and the consequences of it. Otherwise you could reach out to me, I think I still need to learn a lot too.
Wow. Thank you. I was a golden child who “fell from grace” at around the age of 20, so almost four years ago. To this day I get reminded of how “good” I used to be and how “bad” I am now. Growing up, I was the shadow of my mom as well as her “therapist” and emotional support from around the age of 9 or 10. It was after I started to disagree with her that she started gaslighting me, giving me silent treatments, crying/screaming of how much I’m always hurting her, and on and on. I’m so relieved to know now what it was that was truly going on because, extremely often, I felt like there must be something terribly wrong with me and that I was a very horrid person.
Thank you, I was the golden child in my family and just starting to figure out how this situation has affected me
I was the golden child until i broke down and told my narc mom about the CSA from my father. Crushed hard into the scapegoat. This loop was present before this, this cycle happened many times and got more frequent as was growing up and became more of a human being with an actual personality. But i was too focused on being the perfect toy for my mom to play to notice the problem, Because the moments of approval and praise felt priceless.
I was the scapegoated one born between the golden daughter and the golden son.
I did notice the pressure put on my golden siblings to meet the needs of my mother due to her often absent husband. In that way I had freedom because she didn’t want me to be around for her. This changed later in life,but sadly my mother got alzheimer’s and forgot she now liked me. I did appreciate that she did show me love even though she never quite had awareness of harm she caused.( She was a prisoner in a labour camp so suffered a lot of trauma.)
Heide, I'm speechless. 73 years explained, I want to cry, but only because of realising the situation behind the horrors that have gone on. It is never too late to learn. So in amongst all the crap I have a curious mind and wanted/ needed to hear your amazing words. Thank you darling girl and Happy New Year. Sherie Rodrigues from Australia 😍 BTW, I wasn't the golden child, I was the black sheep. Omgoodness. I am flabbergasted.
I just had my fall from Grace. Very painful and disorienting. Thank you for making this video. It’s nice knowing I’m not the only person that has had this experience. I’m in 12 step groups too, can’t express how healing they are for this type of damage. Thank you!!!
Hey I defiantly relate to this. I’m 21 and have experienced being the golden child and scape goat. Ive left my family now and discovered my intuition. I choose to stay away for birthdays, celebrations, festivity’s. I’ve gone as far in boundaries as to completely block my parent out of my life from any possible angle. Having my other parent pass away recently had given the parent the thought that I would come back, that it would be a time to connect and reconcile with little to no action except for forgetting and forgiving solely. Little did they know.. I clearly was not going to conform to this. They still think I am an extended version of themselves & they still think one day i will come back. I have had to forgive them truthfully to not feel as much shame and guilt. But never to their face, forbid them ever knowing I’d forgiven them, they would take it the complete opposing perspective to whatever i portray.
This really helped!
Sending you love!! So much of what you wrote I connect with. It's not easy. You are SO strong.
Hmm, but definitely talk about this with your therapist🤞
Hey thanks for your comment...i guess i too have to take this decision soon...how are u able to do that..m so afraid
Golden child here too. But I was a bit different... more like if I stepped out of line even a little I got harshly criticized while my brother could make the exact same mistakes and be respected for it. Yeah, I got love and praise (or just praise) a lot more because I was genuinely smart and talented, but I got bored of the praise and now I kinda don't give a hoot what they think about me anymore. I just wanna live my own life!!
I SO relate to you here!
you hit the nail on the head - i am new to knowing this role but i realize it's the one i was put into as a kid, and i'm starting to discover the backlash of it with my mother, as i am beginning to set more boundaries with her and am not as often putting on the mask of "cheerful bubbly daughter" the way i used to. some things i'm discovering - she's called me childish a number of times when i am in a low mood, to which i ask her to look at her own discomfort with other people's perceived negative emotions, to which she responds with frustration. she often asks me if she remembers the ways she and i were so connected when i was growing up, and if i think that connection still exists. also, i have a lot more compassion towards my oldest sister who was certainly in the scapegoat role, and who i formerly really hated for struggling with addiction and making it everyone else's problem for much of my childhood. i see now ways in which our family system failed both of us, and the work to heal feels exhausting and overwhelming most of the time.
I already knew that but having someone say it out loud and explain it that way was like a gentle kick in the butt. Thank you.
I am very aware of the thought patterns of my childhood, believing I was better or superior in some way and holding on to that privilege, wondering how dull life must feel to "average people" . Words can't describe the stupidity I feel when I look back to that time. Even though I can tell that part of "me" isn't completely gone. Maybe it never will be.
For me it wasn't just coming from parents though. I had teacher say to my face that I was their number 1 student back in middle school. I would also win sport championships from time to time and get a special treatment for that.
Everything was extremely conditional but it was fine by me since I fit the criteria quite well in multiple areas.
I wish I had the basic intelligence necessary to recognize the arbitrariness of the situation back then. I felt like a piece of shit among my peers and didn't know how to connect like other kids did. And the thing is I wasn't really pushed to develop the necessary skills to do that since my fuel was mostly coming from the praise I was constantly receiving from the adults around me.
Now I want to heal. I want to just be whatever I am. I don't even know if it makes any kind of sense in regards to the human experience, but I wish I could be whole. To love and be loved in the most grounded way possible. I like to think that life wouldn't be worth living if we had nothing to heal. Without that vision, it just sucks too much for me right now. Its hard to feel something other than forever broken when the toxic wiring started so early in childhood. I was getting praised for doing things effortlessly because I enjoyed it and ended up doing it for the praise and loosing myself in the process. For now, knowing there are a ton of people out there who are going through something similar and want to heal is very encouraging. :)
I have to say…you explain the roles better than anyone else! My older sister was the golden & I the scapegoat. It affected both of us in negative ways into adulthood - just as you describe. Our mother went next level before her death - super mean - because she wasn’t feeling well & wasn’t getting her way. Needless to say, her death almost brought a sense of relief to us. It was not a normal grieving reaction. All that being said - you realize that mother became that way because of things that happened to her growing up. It’s a very tough cycle to break. I can’t tell you how helpful these videos are.
😢
I'd like to add my experience. I find it extremely rare for the golden child to ever believe they actually did not deserve the special treatment. Still, to this day my brother (the golden child) does not realize how much my mom idolizes him for reasons he doesn't deserve, acts morally superior to me even though he has anger issues - nor will he ever admit that I'm treated way worse (and have been my whole life) including current times. For instance, if there are 'big issue' arguments my narcissistic mom starts with me (to which I compose myself calmly and properly in), she gets crazy mad and accusatory towards me vs. times he screams at her at over small things/over small annoyances to which she's full of apologies to him afterward/walks on eggshells for him. Interestingly enough, you talked a lot about the golden child over-working in many cases. My brother who was the golden child (I was the scapegoat), is opposite of someone who is a high achiever. He always has some excuse for why he didn't get some job or was fired. The sad thing is my mom still has him convinced that he is never the problem. He currently still lives with her and is in his 40's. He's never had a good romantic relationship. It's never 'because of him'. My mom enables this behavior/false pattern of thinking. At one point in time they even slept in the same bedroom after my dad passed away and my mom frequently took my brother's side regarding political arguments/blow ups he would get into with my dad (soon before my dad died) and my mom would blame my dad for my brother leaving their condo in a rage after my brother was screaming at my dad in his old age (my brother loved to argue and debate with the weak and vulnerable). My dad wouldn't be starting the arguments, was retired and just wanted to relax and enjoy the news but would try to defend his viewpoint if challenged and he was villainized by my mom for doing that b/c of my brother's rage? Sad. My dad even asked if he could move in with me somewhere for a while a few weeks before he died bc when my brother moved in, my dad had little importance to my mom. :S The part you mentioned about emotional incest is definitely true in this case but golden children definitely don't always end up being over achievers. My brother has never held a good job for over a year. My mom still will say extreme compliments to my brother like 'you should be president' or 'they need you to be head of that company' when he won't even work full time at a real job. Really?
I know somebody like that. They take credit for other peoples work very often and gets so much praise, but they’re a total con artist.
This is getting pretty ridiculous... I'm a late-comer to your world, Heidi, but you are unpacking SO much for me. I put this video on in the background while finishing up some work (aaaaaand by the way, I do marketing work for my entrepreneur Dad, lol). While I continued working and casually listening, I had to just drop everything. There was just this sick, sinking feeling. THAT is IT.
This didn't just put words to what I've been experiencing and feeling... these are the WORDS I've been SAYING, but I didn't know it was, like... a THING!
I'm really gutted by the term Emotional Incest... I felt 100% like my dad was closer to me than he was to my mom, as he would confide things in me that I definitely didn't know how to handle or navigate. (This has also had the effect of making me TERRIFIED of marrying someone that I don't share a PERFECT connection with.)
At any rate, I'm going to book some SERIOUS therapy time ASAP, because this is EXACTLY how I have felt, and I actually just had my fall from grace with the other figure I had latched onto to replace him, and I'm seeing the attachment re-form with my Dad... WOWZA, gonna need to do some real work.
THANK YOU HEIDI!!!!
My parents saw me as patient and compassionate. They saw my brother as quick-witted and smart. This is what they both praised and expected from us. Anything outside of these given identities was met with disgust. My brother rebelled, did his own thing, and felt unloved. I felt loved, did my best to always live up to their image of me, but split away from anything outside of their identity. They did this unconsciously and thought they were responding to who we were. What i identify most with is when you described a dysfunctional family as being one where the needs of the parents come before the needs of the child. Thanks again for sharing your wisdom and curiosity.
I feel completely deflated, this largely defines me and the role I have been playing in my dysfunctional family 😢😢😢😢
Thank you for your content❤️ I always knew I was the favorite. I self identified as a “daddy’s girl” up until my early twenties when I finally got enough distance and feedback from other people that my relationship was weird. Growing up I never liked the way my siblings were treated but I would blame them for not doing what they were told or just keeping their damn mouth shut when dad was angry. I knew that who I really was, was not as good and perfect as my parents projected onto me so I had a lot of shame and would hide things or lie and would definitely not ask for help because that would make me seem weak and not perfect. I started my journey of learning about narcissism and all the trauma roles my family played or were given, when my scapegoat sister mentioned our father was a narcissist. It helped me identify why I felt so empty and lost as an adult. I also learned about codependency and started my journey towards healing. It’s a long hard road. Good luck to everyone, wherever you are in your journey.
That's refreshing to hear. Seems women can realize they were the golden child at some point more than men.
Whoooooa yeah Golden Child here!🥇 I grew up in an *extremely* codependent relationship with my mother, throughout my 20s. Now, being 35 I'm getting my sense of self back, with the help of my husband who's so supportive.
I've been to therapists but ya know what, I'm at the point I'm sick of talking about it lol! I'm just trying to follow my passions and notice my likes/dislikes.
Thanks for the vid!
Wow. The way you outlined my life.. the fall from grace is so hard but the healing is powerful. Couldn't agree more that therapy is amazing and the key to healing. Thanks for this and all your videos as usual
Woww, i'm so glad i found this video. You finally uncovered what I just needed to hear. Basically, my mom is the narcissist of my family, I was the golden child for my religious platform in church. But because Im not straight, it led me to trying to find a balance between self expression, and still pleasing my parents in the church. But the moment I opened my mouth, I experienced this "fall from grace". The past three years have been a roller coaster, I've oscillated between trying to get away and leaving my parents, and then to clinging so hard to them and shaming myself, and I fell into a lot of dark coping habits. Now ive moved out and am on the path of trying to heal my disorganized attachment and mom and dad wounds. I am no contact with my mom, starting a few weeks ago. thank you so much for making this video. I feel seen
Definitely am the Hero, Golden Child, and Caregiver as an only child. It’s extremely difficult, but I’m glad to have seen the videos. Want to share this to my aunt who helmed the Caregiver role before.
I was always the girl who was not the golden child. At some point I believed I was good for nothing. But it was only later that I realised I was actually good in everything. But not the best in everything. Although it's not the best thing to be, it's me and I am happy to be that. 😊
That’s sweet
My older sister was the golden Child she dedicated her whole life to my father… was the first one in a family to get a degree, always excelled at school and sport, she became an accountant just like my father, always a perfectionist, my father passed away 6 years ago, she still doesn’t know herself and she thinks that dad loved her and not the others because the others didn’t get to college and used to fight a lot with my father.
My father told her that the problem was with the other children when he was a narcissist
This one hits me where I live. Thank you for putting this into the world and being a part of my healing.
"It is difficult to unlearn praise being equivalent to love." I had to pause on this one for a while lol, genuinely shocked. Well how else am I meant to know I'm loved?! :P
"The normal world doesn't require you to never make a mistake." *deep breath* That sounds lovely :)
Also don't worry about the clothing :P I didn't even notice. Besides, it's your content that is awesome :) In a few years it will be very trendy to wear a "uniform" :) You're ahead of the times! I wear one myself but I think most people assume I just never change clothes :P Eh.
Super interesting video, thank you!
I recognize these things now. But, I did go no contact for 6+ years. I still live halfway across the country, won’t go back there, and know how long to stay when I visit, no more than 2 nights and then time to go home because things start to change real fast….The best part is, that I built a life for myself, far away from them. I put myself through college, bought my own homes…everything I did, I did on my own. I am very proud of these accomplishments and very grateful. And as time went on, sometimes I would just remember, “ It’s okay, now. No more. It’s over. “ But, not out of fear or resentment…it was just feeling alive and relief. It felt like my chest had some huge burden removed and I could finally breathe..because I know they have absolutely no say in anything anymore and absolutely cannot hurt me. .Feels like a clean slate, new life..and now, it’s been years and years since them. I am still learning to like myself a little better, but definitely feel more comfortable and confident in my own skin…because I became who I needed…and that feels sooo good. I learned to have faith in myself when I stopped having to listen to them.
I was an only child and whipsawed back and forth between GC and SG so fast it could give you whiplash. On the one hand, I was an academic standout, so my dad projected all the unfulfilled hopes and dreams he had had for himself onto me-mostly, attending college and having a successful professional career. Everything was focused on me getting good grades, getting into a top-shelf college, etc., etc. I was loved and lavished with praise so long as I did those things. That lasted until I made any kind of mistake at all, or got below an A- on my report card, suddenly I was the SG, was worthless, would end up living in a van down by the river, "Why do I waste my time on you?", etc.
My golden child older sister meets all this. She’s a doctor, perfectionist, has an eating disorder, severe anxiety and an exercise addiction. In the last couple of years she briefly and secretively told me she needed therapy and then jokes it off. She’s made comment she’s terrified of death. I love her dearly but she is so full of fear and the way she can bottle all that up for the sake of saving face and looking like her duke don’t stink is some kind of phenomenon. I’m the lucky 🫤scapegoat. I was once the golden child because I was Identified as “the pretty one”. Now I meet every stereotypical mark as GC turned SG. Divorced, PTSD, over weight & single. But omg, I have so much peace being able to see it all objectively. I pity who I was in those roles as the GC as well as SG, and I see how my sister lived the reverse of that and is truly burdened by keeping up with imaginary narc parent expectations. It’s so warped, I truly believe it’s spiritual.
Good insight.
This is so incredibly helpful- the frame shift from golden child to scapegoat has happened so suddenly. I finally asked for some time alone with my dad, as I was his support / bff because he doesn’t enjoy my stepmothers company. I stopped texting my stepmother because I didn’t want to - she is unkind and bigoted. That’s all it took!He no longer stays in contact with me, nor I him. I haven’t figured out what my responsibilities are in having any relationship with him moving forward. Thank you for making this incredible series!
Wow, this one hit hard. Yes, that was me. And the guilt part …! It all rings true in my experience.
Thank your for explaining this so succinctly. You’re helping me reflect and understand myself better with these videos.
Healing golden child here. There was so much useful information and familiarities I can identify from my own family dynamic. Thank you for being so thorough and supportive in your message
Hello Heidi! Your videos on attachment theory literally changed my life, and Im learning through them every day. I feel core changes in me and finally feel im on a right path in the relationship with myself for the first time in my life. I cant possibly thank you enough for that, you are amazing and i can see in the coments other people feel that way too. You truly have a gift.
The thing i wanted to ask if you could make a video about what is happening in a parent that they treat the child in a certain way which puts the child in this or other roles. What are parent's feelings and beliefs that lead them to interact and treat their child in this unhealthy way. How they see it and what stands behind that. Why they do it?
How they can become aware that theyre doing it and how to change it?
If you already made a video in which you talked about it, ok, ill get to it eventually, if not i would really appreciate you making video on this.
Im deeply grateful for all your videos ❤
Is it possible to be a lost child & golden child? I learned from a very young age to hide myself and be invisible. I learned to not express my feelings and to stay silent. I learned it was best to do what my parents wanted in order to feel safe and survive. Because of this, I've being seen as the easy child or the child who had it "good". I've being favored by my parents even without them realizing it. I've heard growing up how my parents wished my siblings were like me and how I'm the families only hope. Though I've never felt superior to anyone but I always feel guilty and feel like I can never make a mistake. One time I spoke up against my dad and after that he started treating me differently. He told me my sister, who is the family scapegoat, brainwashed me. I realized then he doesn't think I can make my own decisions, that I'm just an extension of her if I decide to "act out." But things went back to how they were and I'm now again seen as the good child. No one in my family sees the pain I'm in and I've being to afraid to express it. They don't think I experienced abuse as bad as them because of the way I'm treated and how I act.
I was the golden child growing up but then married a person who recreated my childhood family. In this new family, I took on the role of the scapegoat and our daughter became the golden child. Luckily we are in therapy with a wonderful therapist that recognized what was happening when I was growing up and what is happening now and we are on our way to recovery. Thank you for such an informative video I saw myself and my daughter in most of it.
Yup that's me. Never going back after my fall and recovered from depression. I feel free now!
my fall from grace occurred when I was 17. I started calling my parents out for treating my sister like the scapegoat. I am 25 now and still struggle with this desire for my parents approval, it sucks because it isnt until I am reflecting on things later I realize what I was doing. I feel like in finding myself, my parents found new traits in me that they are projecting onto and I feel as though I am at the beginning of a cycle of being the golden child that will eventually fall from grace again :(
You are such a rarity for standing up for your sister. That will bless your entire life. You chose your humanity instead of their role.
Golden child here, and I’m a fear-avoidance smh. I didn’t know this is part of where it started as well as having an emotionally unstable parent that was very unpredictable. I’m 33 now. Have failed with finding a therapist that understood and now I know what to seek help with. Thank you Heidi
MOST HELPFUL! Big Thank you!!!
Nothing wrong with wearing the same shirt for several topics. It's good for the environment.
I went through several roles in my family. For most of my childhood, I was the invisible child. Then once we discovered that I have certain skills that made my family "proud" of me, I suddenly became the golden child. At first it felt good because I thought I would finally be recognized and taken more seriously, but I quickly figured out that I was only "taken seriously" when I happened to agree with everyone else. Whenever I said anything that disagreed with the narcs in my family, I got shouted down. By the time I had my fall from grace, I was already seeing the family toxicity for what it was, and it was VERY satisfying to tell the narcs that they weren't going to have their golden child/grandchild after all. Especially since they didn't care that I was also the scapegoat for 2 members of my family. They also didn't appreciate the things I did when I took on the role of the helper child after my non-narc parent died.
As hard as it was, I've learned a lot of valuable lessons from all this and have really started coming into my own in recent years. I've been working on myself and improving my life, while the people who used to make my life hell are now stuck with each other, wallowing in self-pity, and making each other's lives hell.
I'm a golden child, my fall from grace happened a whole ago and woke me up to the dynamics in the family. But I'm still in process of separating from trying to please my parents. The most difficult for me is to not place the craving of validation from them onto other people, such as my bosses. I still a lot of work to do.
On the bright side, my brother who is the scapegoat got into therapy and forgave me! I'm incredibly grateful, and together we cut off parents from their supply through praise/blame swings.
As both the hero and the golden child, I eventually realized how the family dynamics affects all my siblings. I have always felt like a parentified child to the point that I never truly felt like a kid. My siblings have always felt that I was loved more but at the same time, I felt pressured to always do right. I was secretly afraid of not proving my worth.
It shocks me how being the golden child is connected to me being unable to connect to other people. I have always felt that my relationships are shallow and love to me is conditional. I feel bad for my husband because as much as I try to negate my own instinct, sometimes my love is conditional because I have never felt I could be love if I was unworthy. I was expected to act a certain way, to keep standards high for my siblings, to have high grades and i always conformed.
The guilty feeling was also real. Growing up, i felt guilt and an overwhelming need to overcompensate with my siblings to the point that I feel that I dont have enough emotions left to love people other than my family.
❤ great!
When my children were young, their father treated them differently. My son played sports and his dad seems to live vicariously through his athletic achievements. Sports were taken far too seriously ☹️. I would have never guessed anything about projection.
I feel like I was the Golden child of all of the cousins in my generation for my Dad’s side of the family’s…realizing this has been very eye opening and deeply saddening
I've experienced a combination of scapegoat and golden child. Where the father was the baby and the scapegoat in his family. So he allows the child that is rebellious to act like a adult in a Karen like way. And his other daughter acts like he feels like he should have. So she gets the high expectations of the golden child role. Thank you for the video
I was the golden child but fought hard to not accept it. I inherently did not want to be treated differently or like the attention. However my parents loved to take credit for my grades and accomplishments throughout grade school. They even got me a car when I graduated high school because I was the child going to college. I got pregnant my junior year and that fall from grace was HARD. My dad stopped speaking to me altogether. He would just pass me in the home like I was not there. I’m 30 now and have still not recovered from that fall. I moved far away from the family after graduating college and have since gotten my doctorate degree and a great job but I still have a hard time connecting with them or believing ppl will stay once they see I’m not perfect. It leads me to working out excessively and retreating into my own world. It’s a tough journey.
Great video Heidi. I think this may have been a true dynamic for me in my family. Thanks for sharing 🙂
Funny it gets down to minutiae. I remember things like being late for school and rinsing a bowl quickly and leaving it in the sink and my dad saying. Your brother would never do that. Praising him was a way my parents could actually relate to each other. My mom would watch TV with him with my brothers head on her lap. I tried this and she literally pushed me away. But then I realised an icky factor about it. His signature was being compliant in a frightening household ... He was also my babysitter who molested me. ... and my mom knew it. He could do no wrong. Denial is pathetic.
Oh. Now it all starts to make sense. Thank you so much for this video.
I would love recommendations for Good balanced and kind therapists that are adept at treating both Fearful Avoidant style, and address the "golden child" role. It would have to be Online- as i am situated in Israel.
I've been in therapy, but it was never very helpful or really worth the money.
Thank you for all that you bring- you are wonderfully brilliant 💜
This video was excellent
I remember you posting this series and I'm like I don't have a narcissist parent so I'll skip these. And today, at 41, 7 years after I realized my husband had NPD and started my healing journey, I realized that I do. And my brother was the scapegoat. She's more covert, but she lies so much I realize that my entire childhood is not what I remember
So I just actually watched this and cried through almost all of it. I navigated my fall from grace without a therapist, while navigating a divorce with a narcissist, and severe autoimmune disease resulting in disability, (that wouldn't be as bad if they were treated in my teen years). My whole 30s was focused on self growth and healing and I've done it alone irl, but with supportive friends online. I've been considering going no contact with my mom but felt a tremendous amount of guilt from all the gaslighting she's done, and like I was the bad daughter. And you took that burden from me and I can't thank you enough. I have panic disorder and PTSD and I've had severe anxiety since childhood now it All makes sense. I feel so at peace right now. The fact that I've turned it as strong as I have is a real testament to my dad, who I spent much more time with.
This discussion makes perfect sense for my position. I am the "Golden child", Im the baby. I bucked the system and my mother wrote me off, saying "ill see you on the other side".along with my older brother, because we stood our ground. She says she loves us, but in the same breath hates us. The relationship with my wife has suffered greatly. My wife and her family shows unconditional love to make me feel like a normal person. Add to the pain, my mother and father won't have anything to do with my son and do not recognize him as their grandson.
I was raised as an only child pretty much because my half-brother is much older than me. He moved across the country, and he became the scapegoat eventually. I also moved states away to a city like him. I feel like we were both raised with this as one of our roles but just quite literally 18 years apart.
I actually quite relate to this role. I can see my past and present be reflected in your key points. I certainly have to re-listen to this video to hear them again! Fantastic job at organizing this topic. And cool thing, it was published on my birthday! :)
I'm a golden child who was also the caregiver. Oldest of 10 and homeschooled. I'm just starting to come out of denial and it hurts. The amount of repressed anger in me is insane. I want to get back to who I was at 5!
At the 2 minute mark, it finally hit me what all the praise from my mom was about that I was a genius like her dad. (Her dad was a rocket scientist who has patents for rocket telemetry in the 1960s, so there was some amount of objective genius she got to talk about, at least.)
She had good enough grades and got a math degree and all that, but my understanding of her school time was that she was more Hufflepuff than Ravenclaw. And her dad was a very 1950s stereotypical kind of dad in terms of caregiving and not attending piano recitals and whatnot - that was all mom's job.
In me, she could raise the genius she wasn't ascribed to be. She could connect with her father finally, because look at this beloved grandchild (and I was beloved; I was the first grandchild) who is clearly very smart.
No wonder my parents think I faked my autism diagnosis.
There's a lot of hero dysfunction in me - probably more than golden child; my wife looked at the types for 10 seconds and went, "yep, you were the hero" - but this is how golden child manifested.
Now I'm going to watch the remaining 17 minutes of video. Wow.
Ouahh .. I’m shocked , what you explained is what I lived.. and created a lot of problems in my adult life especially with my wife and friends as you said . Thanks a lot , a BIG wake up for me started just few months ago .
Alex
I was the scapegoat of my family. A middle child and tossed off to the side with my little sister so my older brother could shine first. My sister and I would often jab and jest out mom when she blatantly cared for my brother more than us. Example, when my sister and I were young and without drivers licenses, we were left in the house without food while our parents visited him in the hospital after a nasty drunken tumble and his first fall from grace. Since that tumble almost 10 years ago, my brother has been on an off toggle of anger unmanaged and doing what he feels like. What he feels like can benefit sometimes depending on his mood. One time he gave me sound advice about not listening to my parents bash me, but I was too deep in the manipulation to notice. Most of the other times, he simply likes to hear himself talk.
Though I am no contact with my family, I just got married this year and I invited everyone to the wedding. It seems to have hit my brother and sister hard because they believed me to be the most likely to die alone. From this action, both of them now have partners. Though my sister disowns me for leaving the family behind, seeing that my brother hasn’t been in a relationship around in a LONG time, I do hope if he is on a better path with someone good, he is talking out his burden with her.
I feel like I’ve oscillated between being the golden child and the scapegoat, but I think it depends whether my parent is the golden child or the scapegoat at the time
I will be sharing this 🥺
As the oldest and the scapegoat, i had one sibling who COULD have been the golden child, but saw the unfairness and didn't like it. An argument was decided in her favor, and she immediately saw that it was unfair, and saw that it was a pattern. She offered me a deal: if we had a disagreement, we would settle it ourselves, without involving parents.
The youngest, (the golden child), would sit there gloating and making faces. She told bald-faced lies just to watch the other two get yelled at. She saw the chronic unfairness of it all and reveled in it.
As a result, i often included the middle child in my activities and endeavors. The golden child, not so much.
I think my parents turned every kid in their care into the golden child at some point. A lot of these golden child traits apply to me and I've seen it apply to my siblings. I was never "praised" I was just expected to be perfect. Not doing what was expected brought down the hammer. A good example is when my mother died I didn't have enough money to fly home. so my parents paid for the ticket. My stepmother called me the day after I got back home from the funeral to demand I pay her back right away. This lasted for two months. My stepbrother had found out at some point and got in an argument with his mother. He told me he told her if it had been him or his sister she wouldn't have taken it this far. And it's true. I was 32 when that happened. That had been the first time I had borrowed money from my parents in over a decade. I never will again.
I'm so sry! Blessings to you!
I'm seeing it as an alienated dad with my daughter. What I found incredibly hard, was that I was also fostered at times and went off to the military, and was involved with lots of other good healthy folk. But my mum tried keeping hold of me and ruining my life every single time, guilting me and taking over, keeping me as her rag doll. And she even hot involved with alienating my kids from me .. her and my ex wife. I'm almost 60 now, my kids can't stand me, my mum is dead, I've pulled away from all the dangerous toxic folk, and am just trying to make my own life as the person I am allowing myself to be .. it's a very different person to who I was being all those years .. I actually don't have to keep a smile on my face or let everyone be dominant over me
Family roles vs attachment theory. Help contextualize the environment they grew up in adjust expectations of the real world.
I feel like I was the golden child of my grandpa but scapegoat of my wider family.
4:04 The deal isn’t just for preferential treatment, it’s for *safety*. How our parent treats the scapegoat shows us how we will be treated if we don’t devote our entire being to anticipating and meeting the parents needs.
I don’t say that to minimize what the scapegoat goes through or imply that they could also have been safe if they acted differently.
But I often hear people talk about the carrots we got and rarely about the stick we were desperately trying to avoid.
My mother destroyed the whole family, but I recently found out at the age of 42 what personality disorder means.... My mother didn't deserve to stay free, kept me a slave for 40 years and I didn't know
He took care to destroy all my relationships, it's hard to explain in words what I live at my age
Loneliness, poverty and I can't find solutions to save myself from the serious illness like my mother.
Hello, Heidi! I was wondering if you could create a video about 'learned helplessness' and how to overcome it. Your videos are incredibly informative and of a high standard. Thank you for all your valuable content!"
First born and last born both GC, girls. 2nd born brother....probably SG, until I came along. Then I, 3rd born, became the primary SG.
Only me and the first born left, both parents deceased. She fully believes that she "worked for everything!"
Once I moved away….she became the scapegoat….you can’t be a martyr without your scapegoat
It looks like everyone has a different definition of "scapegoat", "black sheep", and "golden child". And some have even new names like "hero". I think some children fulfill multiple of these roles (like moi).
I was definitely no Golden child. But I definitely have the attributes of it in my life in the sense that I can't just can't take any criticism, it shatters my world, I come from a perfectionists family. I played scape goat then moved into Hero, now after marriage im the care taker of my parents emotional needs. I guess I was ENFPing even the dysfunctional roles 🤣🤣🤣
I guess all in all my brother was the golden child. The oldest, best student. He was a rager and bully. I might have had some golden child thing for a bit only that I didn't require much work, and my mother detested work, and I listened to her, and she went on and on about herself all the time. But I had nothing to show off. She told me about her first lover when I was after we watched The Way We Were. My brother died young. He ate himself to death. I had the role of trying to protect my younger sisters from him, but I feel guilt, in that I wasn't always nice to my sisters myself. In the end, I think my sisters definitely are narcissists and brother... not as clear as an adult. He was a rager and bully. Fit thrower. But grew up, perhaps, with a sense of right and wrong. Maybe I'm wrong. He definitely lacked empathy and was cruel. I solidified my role as the scapegoat when I left home and didn't know any family member of origin. Not for decades. Suddenly I'm remembering my youngest sister and crying. I wish I had been nicer to her. I wish I never hurt her for one thing. She was always the lost child. She didn't move around roles like me. And I was most attached to her because I thought she was my baby, essentially. And I was a crappy mother, a hurt child myself. And I've remembered that I loved her and I haven't laid eyes on her in 34 years. I think I was somewhat nicer to my older sister, still younger than me, just because I didn't start out as close to her. And she too was a lost child, but had dyslexia, insisted she got therapy because of sexual abuse from my brother, and got more, in the end, than my younger sister and maybe even more than me.
I was the golden child, but played the caretaker as well. I started self-reflection and looking at the dynamics of my family after I learned I was sexually abused.; 22 years old. The scapegoat or my oldest sister was beyond mean to me (we dont have a relationship today) and so was all of my other siblings. I tried to mend our relationship but she refused. I tried for 10 years but she continued to push me away.
Im 51 today and have worked my ass off to self actualize through writing my stories in books (7) showing empathy and compassion to my siblings, acknowledging their pain, and pain and no longer allowing them to blame me.
Ive never felt better about myself. I did the work and its paid off. I finally love and choose me. Im an amazing spiritual being experiencing the human experience, loving all of me and my flaws and giving back to humans. I became a therapist so that I can help people heal. I have no regrets, but I do wish my oldest sister could see the truth. The issue was our unhealthy parents.
When my closest sister would ask; what happened to me? I would say "your parents" I knew something wasnt right when I noticed the differences in us. I sought the answers and found freedom in those. ❤ Life is good to. I was born validated so i no longer seek it. Life is really good today. I am free.
That’s beautiful!
@@jazz_savedbygrace_6077 thank you 😊
Can you be the hero child and the scapegoat child simultaneously? I've never been a troublemaker, but I've always been ignored by my parents and ganged up on by my siblings yet I am the highest achieving in everything.
Thank you for this video!
I was the golden child until my older sister left home then my dads head did a 180 and I became the scapegoat, I've hated him ever since.
I was the golden child/ scapegoat hybrid. It never felt good, it always felt disgusting and embarrassing to be the golden child. I was only golden in public, a scapegoat in private. I’m currently in my FINAL fall from grace era thank goodness
its so sad (not in a bad way) to hear that the scapegoat and golden child roles are some of the most extreme, I was put into the golden child role and had an extreme fall from grace in my early teens, and my younger sister was the scapegoat and still kind of is unfortunately. I am sure there are other roles that me and my sister(s) fit into that I dont know about, but for a long time these were the main dynamics of my childhood
I know it's an old video, but I wonder: how does this work with an only child? could you do a video on how the family roles& dynamics differ then? Thank you.
PS: I love your videos, a lot of them have been enlightening. You & crappy childhood fairy have both a lot of wisdom.
I was considered “the golden child “ by my siblings. I was the oldest of 5 children , the first daughter of a narcissistic mother. My mother is engulfing and always treated me like an extension of her and I hated every minute of it. I was looked at as the “good girl” and obedient one. It was definitely how my mother identified in her family of origin. All I wanted was to be the invisible child. I was in somewhat of a parentified role and it was highly stressful. I almost now considered it as emotional incest. At age 51 I finally had to start addressing this issue because it caused me to go into 3 consecutive narcissistic relationship, the most recent one lasting 12 years with a woman who was 23 years older than me. The narcissistic abuse almost destroyed me. I gray rock my mother as much as possible and I really want to be completely “no contact”. I want to completely remove myself from this family. I consider myself as “the black sheep” because my “angelic” mother has triangulated all my siblings against me. I have a weight problem that resulted from years of stress and anxiety from dealing with all this. I used carbs to comfort myself. This family was highly collective and there was no individualization. There was zero boundaries. I only recently found out what boundaries are. I’m very isolated and fear that I will be alone for the rest of my life. My family trauma left me introverted, highly empathetic and highly sensitive. I have trouble making friends and cannot do romantic relationships either. I can’t wait to figure out how to leave this family forever. I focus on my career and doing everything I can to take care of myself, something I could never do before.
Golden child/caretaker...at the age of 20 I went no contact, and move across the world. Suicidal move, but I was lucky,( mushrooms, zen, psychoanalysis) I survived, against all the odds.
If one child is seen as competent the mother may want to keep him close to her if she if she depises her husband.
She grooms him to be tied to her in her golden years, in the event her marraige is bad. She probably plays the kid and husband off each other.
This was not the situation in my family, however.
I love Heidi's take on Golden Children; she covers all scenarios.
There were two golden siblings in my dysfunction family. I was the scapegoat. My golden child sister bullied me from age 3. This year she died having a narcisstic collapse. She never figured out who she was and refused treatment.
Life is hard. Figuring out all the insanity can take a lifetime. And certainly, most just live and cope as best as possible.
I'm only at 6 minutes but as I already had to restrain myself to comment after a few seconds lol I have to now haha. Great video, preicous informations, very well put. Amazing. I'm gonna keep watching and listen carefully, maybe roll a join to savour all that's being said lol
I’m an only child who had different maternal step-siblings and different points in my childhood 😅. I got to be the golden child between the marriages but I’m pretty sure I was either the hero or last child during and persona non gratis after coming out.
It was strange when I left, feeling essentially detached from any responsibility to family but I’d exaggerate and fawn when needed so I wouldn’t been seen as weak or struggling 🤷🏽♀️.
Connection between being the golden child and medical neglect because since I was the Golden Child, nothing could possibly be wrong with me even though I had all the same symptoms of my scapegoat brother. He was able to get treatment even if it came from a bad place (always trying to figure out what was "wrong" with him) and it took until I was 30 to get a goddamn neurological disorder diagnosed, never mind the ADHD/ASD symptoms. First time she ever sent me to therapy was for anger management because I started "talking back" to her at 14/15. But independence isn't allowed, I had to be her mini me and couldn't express an opinion or there were consequences.
Anyone else the golden child of one parent and the scapegoat of the other?
Yes, I can relate. Dad's golden child. He compared siblings to me. Mom's scapegoat. She said horrible things to me and slandered me, but would shame me for achieving things then take credit for my accomplishments. Basically hated by everyone. Felt like my existence was just a burden. Still unsure how to connect with people.
My Golden Child sister cannot see that she 'was' treated better. To this day she has delusions of grandure. 😮
Very helpful video.
I was the golden child until my sister died, and then swiftly became the scapegoat, with her death being used as ammo to keep me in place