1. An extreme sense of guilt/shame deviating from family culture 2. You struggle to differentiate whose feelings are whose when you get close to someone 3. You tend to suppress thoughts/feelings/opinions that differ from those around you 4. You tend to operate under a false social mask because you feel ashamed of being different from someone else 5. Family of origin has a strong us vs them mentality 6. You don't express your needs, try to anticipate the needs of others and resent when others fail to reciprocate your attempted mind-reading 7. You struggle to understand what a boundary is 8. When your family offers you support, they are actually creating a line of dependency 9. You view keeping quiet about disfunctional/abusive behavior as a sign of love 10. You find it threatening to see people act in a secure way
Living with my family, I never thought my mom had this problem or at least to say my mom’s family specifically my maternal grandmother. For #10 is quite the opposite because it is mostly admiration for the others because is something I would really love to have but, unfortunately even commenting makes me quite uneasy because I think that sometimes my mom or my family doesn’t have any sort of you know, imperfection. So, when I think about it, it makes me wonder if my feelings are normal in the sense of how I feel and suspect the family dynamic is like.
As I grow and learn, #10 is not an issue. I want to be secure and around others who are secure. Have had envy about secure families who are there for one another, don't ruin their children's graduations and special days, etc.
Okay, so I don’t even know what to say anymore. I’m almost afraid to click on your videos now. You keep providing me with the tools I didn’t know existed to heal. It hurts hearing about yourself in such lucid detail when all the while you thought you were all alone stuck inside. Thanks Heidi.
you're not alone, most of us with CPTSD and/or fearful-avoidant attachment feel this way. it gets easier as you internalize the new info and see yourself differently.
@@nataliaturner4845 Interesting comment, it got me thinking. "You must not bring up politics" is an order. You simply try to make someone obey you. It's almost abuse (almost - because you don't know how to force it, but it sounds like that is the intention). It's impolite, but neither wrong nor illegal (unless you signed a contract) for them to keep talking about politics, even if you asked. That is their need. You cannot stop them from trying to get that need met - need to express oneself is a pretty basic human need, kind of reflected in the freedom of speech. Thankfully, you have no obligation to listen to them either. You cannot make them shut up, but you can leave or stop listening to them. Boundary is not something other people do. It's something that you promise for yourself. The boundary that I read between the lines is: "If he starts talking about politics, then I'm getting the hell our of there." The problem lays in execution of this boundary. If you know it's likely to happen, make sure you have a way out. Take money to pay for your meal and be ready to catch a taxi or walk. As soon as he starts talking about politics - leave. If that's impossible - don't put yourself in that situation, decilne the invite. If you want to be in that situation (eg. you want a free meal more than you want to respect your boundary), that's ok. But be real that this is your decision and cut on the resentment for the other person. It's on you to not trust them next time and not put yourself in this situation again. Ironically, stating the boundary and consistently acting on it might result in the other person respecting it and adjusting (more likely than direct order). But they have no obligation to do that. Law and personal boundaries are completely separate matters. Law is for society, not for an individual. Even personal laws exist so we can cooperate kind of peacefully. And that, in turn, helps individuals in the society, but that's not the focus. Your personal boundaries serve you and only you (I mean, you are easier to be around for other people, too - but you are the focus). Another thing to think of - boundaries aren't 'good' by nature. You can create a boundary that hurts other people and feel like you are in the right, because that's your boundary. E.g. "if my son turns out to be gay, I'm disowning him", "if someone comes to my house uninvited, I'll shoot him", "if I'll get pregnant after being raped, I'm aborting it", "if the dog vomits on the carpet, I'm not cleaning it up". What's more confusing - the same things might me bad/neutral/good depending on the society you live in/people you hang out with. Also, boundaries don't solve other problems in your life, like lack of resources. However, I do believe that it's easier to solve them when you know your own boundaries, so it's worth to work on them regardless of how you're doing in life.
Can you please mention which tools were discussed in this video about enmeshment? Because most of the times she talks about recognizing (which is super important), yet not about "how to fix this" tools...
Great video Heidi. I am in a relationship with my wife who comes from an enmeshed family. I’ve been to counseling, I’ve tried to show my wife these types of videos and nothing could get through to her. Just recently, she asked me for a divorce. Her reasoning is that I am not a core member of her family and my outside the family relationships are hurting her family members since I am not a 100% participant with their family vacations, parties and get togethers. I love her very much, but at the end of the day she needs someone to be close to while she is living her life with her family. All attempts to beg her to grow within our marriage were met with hostility. Listening to you speak on this subject has been very helpful to make me realize that I am not the cause of our marriage’s collapse. Thanks again Heidi!
Run!! Leave her and her family!! A huge weight will be lifted from your shoulders. It'll save you so much emotional, mental and physical sickness and heartache/heartbreak 💔... it's not worth it to fight with anyone regarding their toxic families.. you ALWAYS lose!!
When you mention that enmeshment is often generational, I feel like the reason for that is so much deeper and more sinister than we realize. For people who grow up without properly recognizing and processing their enmeshment trauma, having their own kids and enforcing their own enmeshed system is their way of releasing a lifetime of pent up feelings of lack of emotional autonomy. They then pass on this idea to the next generation that "the only acceptable way to be emotionally autonomous in life is to have children and dictate THEIR emotional state."
I think it may actually be simpler than that: Despite experiencing the pain and trauma that comes from an enmeshed family unit, unless we have gone through therapy to learn to name enmeshment for what it is (or come to understand it through some other means), we don't necessarily know that the enmeshment itself is the source of the dysfunction. It's entirely possible, likely even, to grow up in an enmeshed family and assume the enmeshment is a positive thing and all the negatives are the result of some other character flaws in our parents. They were right to be so deeply invested in my well being and trying to help "guide" me with every big decision in my life, etc they just were flawed people so their flaws poisoned the well. And since we can recognize those flaws and avoid them in ourselves, then we feel confident repeating the patterns of enmeshment and we believe that the result will be something positive. Basically, if you come from an enmeshed family, you might think the enmeshment is a good thing, it just wasn't implemented properly. (And you adamantly refuse to "blame" your parents for this without also excusing it as unintentional). So you try to do it "right" with your kids. But because it's the patterns of enmeshment themselves that are unhealthy, you end up creating a different kind of enmeshed family, but still one that struggles with unhealthy patterns around enmeshment.
Ugh I was in a 10 year relationship with someone and this describes their family exactly. Had to end the relationship because my partner brought the enmeshed rules to our relationship as well. Terrible toxic dynamic with this person. I felt invisible. If I set a boundary or had a different opinion I was either verbally abused or given the silent treatment. Loyalty was ALWAYS to their family of origin and their family “could do no wrong”. Finally got out and started my own healing around allowing this BS dynamic. I never knew families like this existed. It’s cult-like for sure. Compassion for anyone who has suffered through this family dynamic and I applaud you for seeing it and wanting to heal from it. Takes courage!
4:33 1: The enmeshed family culture punishes you for deviating from it. Children are extensions of the parents' egos. Differentiation of family members is unacceptable, and met with rejection or silence. Being an individual is not okay. 8:26: 2: You struggle to separate whose feelings are whose when you are in close relationship with someone. 11:10 3: You naturally inhibit any opinions or ideas you have that contradict that of those around you 14:03 4: You operate from a false social mask most of the time, because feelings of difference make you feel intense shame. You're inauthentic. 15:27 5: Your family of origin has a strong us-vs-them mentality 17:53 6: You struggle to voice your needs, so you tend to anticipate others' needs - without asking them - and become resentful when they do not naturally reciprocate the same for you. 19:41 7: You struggle to understand what a boundary is. 21:52 8: When you're offered support, advice, or encouragement by your family, it's usually offered in the form of continuing your dependency instead of empowering you. You enjoy the thought of others needing you. 24:55 9: You have a "no-talk" rule: you believe that keeping quiet about someone's dysfunction or problematic behaviour is a sign of love. 27:01 10: You find secure ways of relating difficult or even threatening. 29:30 Conclusion
Your like your parents shadows.. if you detach yourself you have to reap the consequences. The heartache, the stress of living as an individual an not like your still sharing emotions with your mom or dad like you all have 1 brain sharing the same emotions
Finally a word to describe my family dynamic. My parents are highly narcissistic and I’m finally accepting that I just can’t interact with them anymore. I need to be my own person.
A prime example of enmeshment in my family happened when I told them I was moving to Chicago from rural PA. (My half-brother also moved to LA when he came of age.) My dad reported the phone he got for me a few years ago while I was in college as lost or stolen. He also reported the junker car he gave me for 2500 from 2001 in 2018 as stolen when I moved an hour away to live with my partner. "Oh, you can always come stay with us if you need to." Yeah, well, I'd rather not.
This video reminds me of all the Asian cultures, where children are seen as an extension of parents. I knew my family dynamic was toxic, but I didn't have a name for it until now. My mum would bully me or lecture me into making decisions that she would have made herself. I remember feeling incredibly suffocated during childhood, I desperately wished to grow up asap so I could finally have agency and breathe, doing whatever I wanted without having to be cross-examined, justifying myself, or lying to escape interrogation
I'm Chinese, and I feel like I'm in this kind of dynamic. And I feel the same way as you. Feeling suffocated by their presence, I got very sensitive to the sound of footsteps behind me. Because I'll get pushed around, get my privacy taken away. I relate to the feeling of needing to grow up asap too right now, its like im so immature and not well-adjusted to life itself. All I've been doing is answering to my parents needs and avoiding my parents simultaneously that I've not pursued my dreams. They take care of my needs, I feel trapped by it. Deep inside, I honestly wished they stopped caring about me so i can find my own way, but at the same time, it may be that I'm the one who is not emotionally in touch and getting boundaries stepped all over.
Filipino families are probably the most liberal. We value family & harmony but also don't hide disagreements. I see toxicity or enmeshment in some families but others are well-off because parents actually value their children's individuality and children value their parents. Many families happily house in-laws who help with daycare while parents work. There used to be a thing where you had to take care of your parents no matter how toxic they are but I think younger generations are wising up and saying no if they are in such situations.
I was the family scapegoat that went against my narcissistic family cult.. Was put in the "doghouse" as a result. So grateful and happy I stood my ground to maintain my authenticity despite many conflicts, blaming and finger pointing.. My soul was not for sale regardless. Walked away from everyone in my adult years...Found peace..❤
I don’t know what is worse; being caught up in the enmeshment or realising something isn’t right *while you are still a child* If you don’t realise you are going to take on those unhealthy traits as an adult If you do realise and call it out you risk becoming the family scapegoat If you understand both of the above you don’t trust your parents and have to play your part in what you know to be pantomime which is just bizarre and ick. 🤷🏻♀️
i knew as as child that it wasn't right, but i didn't have enough resources or support to not be shaped by it. but knowing that did help me relentlessly pursue healing as an adult, as i knew that there had to be a better (healthier) way to live and relate to self and others
@@lysafisk7123more like "black dog", but you're so right, & the year i went no contact was the best year ever. i'm currently trying to get UN-enmeshed now. thanks for your optimistic view!
I found that people being curious about what I was doing always came as looking for reasons to tear down what I was doing. I have very little idea how to engage with people on anything that matters to me without feeling like I'm being scrutinized by a devil.
Thank you for this. I’m honestly feeling pretty disgusted, sad, angry and frustrated right now. I feel like I was robbed of healthy love. I know I can heal and create a secure attachment for myself and I do have hope. But there’s definitely a part of me that’s very depressed and ruminating. Trying to calm that part of me and support myself.
I didn't even understand this term going in, only to find how many boxes my family checks off by the end of the video. My biggest problem was always that my mother parroted all the right encouragements, but actual behaviour day to day communicated the opposite. "of course you can tell me how you feel" except you 100% cannot.
Holly shit. That sense of guilt hits home hard (like my dad lol). My dad was super controling and would get mad fast. I sometimes felt like i never got to know my true self because he always kept getting mad. I jave a lot of anxiety because of that.
Every time I watch these videos I rush to subscribe, then realise I'm already subscribed, so I like the video, then I feel like I should unsubscribe just so I can resubscribe again because it's such a gem of a channel
NAILED it. Thank you Heidi for the work you put into this channel, the info is invaluable and you deliver it in a very easy to understand and relatable way. I appreciate you!
This is excellent information and I can heartily say, "yes!" It's odd my family was very enmeshed yet also very distant. No real intimacy or affection at all. In some ways I feel that distance was a way to set some kind of "boundary" when we couldn't. I've been working on this for some time (as in years) and can see now how dysfunctional it all was. I've improved significantly with therapy and my own study of trauma, family systems and attachment. I had just thought this was of a certain generation (parents had both lived through the Depression and you just help people out in whatever way you can) but it took some time to realize the deeper issues there. Thanks and keep up the great work!
I'm (anxious-leaning) still recovering from a past relationship where even though I loved her (dismissive avoidant), she set "boundaries" around what pet names I was not supposed to use, "boundaries" around me not expressing my need for intimacy, all whilst I was completely unaware of what her needs were, even though I asked. It seemed as though I knew what she didn't want, but never what she actually wanted. Conversely, I was completely oblivious of what boundaries I could have (I still am) and really shied away from expressing my needs. Of course, this spiralled out of control with both of us being severly triggered, left mutually abandoned not having our needs met and often our boundaries stepped over. One with a fear of being abandoned, the other with a fear of being engulfed. I wish we were more sincere about these feelings. I wish we had access to this kind of tools. Thank you for what you do. I wish you all don't lose your life over a certain love, and also that you don't lose the love of your life.
Literally introduced to this term today. I need to move out but feel so guilty. I feel terrible for wanting to live my life as grown ass 30 year old man. It's weird as in some ways I have become unenmeshed but in other ways I still can't create my boundary. I always feel I am playing a part and never can be myself around my family
Time Stamps For reference and sharing. ------------------------ 4:32 Sign #1: You feel an extreme sense of guilt or shame anytime you do something that deviates significantly from the family culture. 8:26 Sign #2: You struggle to differentiate whose feelings are whose when you get close to someone. 11:10 sign #3: You tend to naturally inhibit any thoughts opinions or World Views you have that contradict the thoughts opinions and World Views of the people around you 14:03 Sign #4: Tend to operate under a false social mask most of the time. 15:26 Sign#5: Your family of origin has a very strong US versus them mentality 17:52 Sign #6: You have a tendency to not voice what your needs are in a relationship. 19:42 Sign #7: You struggle to understand what a boundary is like. 21:52 Sign #8: When your family offers you support or advice or encouragement often what they're actually doing is creating a dynamic of dependency. 24:55 Sign#9: You believe keeping quiet about someone else's dysfunctional or in many cases abusive behavior is a sign of love. 27:02 Sign #10: When you see people relating in a secure way you find it threatening.
My mom still tells me how “should” I feel, just when I start to talk about my feelings. I’m 30. I think from the moment I was born, it’s my job to regulate my whole family’s behavior. Even now, we’ll have huge fights whenever I wanted to “calmly” make them aware of my defectiveness schema. My mom always takes it too personally and I just left with guilt for making her upset because when she is upset she never talks and I have to be the one to break the silence. Imagine the enmeshed familyness in the situation of a love affair, when there is cheater in the family; where the child has the role of the mediator. I am trying really hard to have a healthy mental state and mind-set and these videos are huge help. I can’t tell you how important what you’re doing. Thank you so much.
Wow... Suddenly why my last and only long term relationship completely failed is glaringly obvious. I refused to talk about her abuse because it made me feel like a bad person, like I was a failure because I couldn't be good enough to make her love me and I deserved the abuse. This also goes for my rocky relationship with my parents, I have always felt it was my responsibility to make them feel good and if they were miserable it was my fault, it's always been treated that way. I have heard the phrase "you make me feel x". countless times. Just today I expressed interest in body building and was attacked because I was making my father feel bad, that wanting to improve my physique was a sign af disrespect, an attack on his age and condition. I wanted to inspire him, I want him to love himself and get off the couch. I thought if I could inspire him he would want to be better. I would do anything for someone I love even if it hurts me even of it means destroying myself and disregarding my own feelings. I have always felt that it was my moral duty to make them feel comfortable. I have been ashamed my whole life of my creativity because it was seen as wasteful and decadent. My mother would scald me for drawing or painting, saying it was a sign of mental illness. I felt sick and hated myself that I just wanted to be good at something that made me feel meaning. "What is wrong with me" "why can't I just be normal like them" "I am useless and selfish" Thank you, for this video. I don't know how to fix this but at least I wont hate myself as much.
This one video cleared it to me why and how my family environment was disfunctional and unhealthy to me. I always struggled to pin point how my family's situation impacted me directly, Since I was not abused in any way, my requirements taken care of, but I always felt so targeted and trapped still. Never emotionally opened to anyone in my family. And for the most part I believe it's my own flaw. There were so many said unsaid rules in my family that were like unquestabale norms. Now I can see what actually is behind all of my childhood problems and adulthood problems too.
I grew up with just my mom.. she had her own issues and one of them was an inability to separate her thoughts from my thoughts - she assumed I enjoyed everything she enjoyed, she would have entire conversations with me in her head (and then hold me accountable for her imaginary conversations, I'd get grounded or yelled at over things she thinks I might have said. I was a good kid who never got in trouble and teachers loved, I never acted out, etc...). A previous therapist hypothesized this was a form of enmeshment, the first time I'd heard the term. The irony is that we're 180 degrees opposite from each other, completely different interests and likes (she's extremely expressive and emotional, i'm reserved and generally even-keeled; she is an artist, I'm into sports and "STEM" type jobs, etc) I do have issues in relationships with my partner's independence tho, it feels very rejecting and distancing. I've always wanted a partner who, if I was feeling down, would wrap their arms around me and just like, lay in bed with me and watch a movie or have a quiet day at home instead of giving me space alone. I dunno if it's bad luck but I've never had that kind of partner that wanted to like "be there for me" like that. Not that my mom ever was - she was never able to "hear" me and was constantly conversing with the version of me that was in her head (and of course, because of her own stuff, that voice in her head was constantly negative). I feel kinda stuck, like I almost need to relive a whole new childhood again to get over some of this stuff. I have therapists but... they don't really ask difficult questions.
Hey, I had similar issues as a child who lived with just my mother. It's unfortunate that some parents don't provide a safe atmosphere for their children, so they never see them for who they truly are. I don't know you, but you surely had to accomplish your goals without assistance from others, and you should be quite proud of that :)
I am currently trying to navigate a big rupture in my enmeshed family and this was helpful to have our enmeshed status validated. I'm looking forward to the rest of the series on how it shows up as an adult and hopefully what to do with some of those feelings. I just feel so much pressure from my family to spill my pain to them and I know it's not a safe place to go with my pain. And me keeping my pain to myself hurts them too, so this is just all extra confusing and exhausting.
😮😮 THIS EXPLAINS SOO MUCH. As someone currently healing Fearful Avoidant, emeshment is the missing information. Like I know something is wrong but i cant put my finger on it, I dont know enough to recognize it like where it start and ends but Intuitively know SOMETHING IS wrong but this all i know and want to be accepted or get my needs met. My God this is deep. FA, Enmeshment, social contracts, no boundaries, AP, DA, and the echo of your childhood coloring your adult relationships is terrifyingly enlightening. But i want to fix this for myself and for my future family.
This. Is. GOLD. I have searched for this video for years. Yours is the only one out there. The concept of enmeshment has been the glue that put all the pieces of dysfunction together for me in my healing journey. Thank you for this beautiful explanation. ❤
If there's a person around, I belong to that person and it's my job to make their life easier. If I perceive they've done something to benefit me (whether on purpose or incidentally, and regardless of whether or not it actually did), I must do something to benefit them at least as much. If I fail at this, even in a small way, I feel extreme self-hatred; at the same time, deep down I feel the injustice I do to myself and hate myself for that too. This makes sustaining social relationships impossible, as the closer I am to someone the more I feel the need to do things for them and put on a good face: I could tell my deepest secrets to someone I've just met, but if the relationship were to stretch out longer it would become increasingly artificial until I inevitably cut off contact due to stress. This mindset stems from enmeshment and is the cause of all the worst decisions I've made in my life, and the only escape is to be completely alone with no threat of invasion to my solitude.
Lol, I too, have strongly considered living my life as a hermit. For the reasons you stated, I find people are overwhelming when they are genuinely trying to be nice to us; on the flipside, they are downright life-sucking, emotional vampires when others are petty or mean. I avoid people where I can, as a result. That said, I found a lot of validation in the Bible, of all places. According to the Creator of the universe, we should only expect to find a handful of truly good friends/people in this life, and we should cherish them for they are few and far between. I also love the verses stating married couples should positively FLEE their parents/in-laws, specifically to avoid problems like enmeshment.
This is not my family but my 57 year old male partners who’s family control all of his choices and priorities especially over me…my feelings and opinions mean nothing I am insignificant…you are so spot on! They do not discuss the go risk in the room while my mouth is hanging open 🦍 😮
Good content Heidi. Had to move away from my small home town of about 1000 people, and my Family, when I was about 30, with my , Ex Wife & children, to get away from enmeshed family. Am still criticised, to this day, and I am now 63yrs old. They may yet, destroy, our ties. It remains to be seen. I refuse to be controlled & devalued. Sister, who never left, is causing all the trouble. I am considering seeing a Counselor, for myself.
Damn bro. People really need this. 🙄 my family needs this. But I can’t control them only me. Because of your channel I have a better and clearer understanding of boundaries not just in what they are but how to set them and what each individual boundary means to me 😊. I come from an OVERLY EMESHED FAMILY and these videos have been ( sometimes I can’t even find the right words to describe how lighter I feel and enlightened I feel after watching these videos) truly eye opening for me ❤❤❤
This was not only validating and healing, it was incredibly enlightening. So beautifully put together. Thank you for making such important and meaningful contributions to our society. Thank you for helping me understand myself more. Truly appreciated✨
I'm struggling with my family right now, especially my sister. I thought she was making bad decisions and that I needed to steer her in the right direction. But now I realize that I am manipulating/controlling her and that she feels threatened/judged by my "help." Therefore, she lashes out at me, which made me label her as a narcissist. Now I'm thinking, why do I feel the need to "help" her all the time? Where did that come from? Maybe I felt responsibility put on me as an older sibling to look after her. Afterall, my parents were emotionally unavailable. My sister and I were really tight knit as kids - now I realize that that might not be such a good thing... Relationships are so complicated 🤔
don't be a control freak, control don't equal love. you don't seem bad at all and you seem self aware and accountable. just gove her freedom to be herself and encourage that's all you can do she's not a baby or your baby you cannot make her do what you want just because you care. it's nice you care and I'm sure you have good intentions but just be supportive. I'm sure she's not a narc for lashing out, no one likes to be controlled that's just her way if saying back off and you need to listen. I'm sure if you stop trying to control people you will find she will feel much better towards you and you will feel better too
18:22 ahhhh perfect elaboration of my therapy sesh today! I’m a bully target at work, my colleague knows and asked if I could take on more work and I’m stewing on audacity but he’s just stating a need & the ship I’m in n struggling is my thing and not for him to care about if asking for what he needs
Not sure if you’d call it enmeshment but in some families it can happen when a family is living a wonderful life together. Say for example when a family has a beautiful family property and many get togethers. There are benefits to this family relationship, but hurts some when you feel called outside the joint family vision. It’s very difficult.
There is a difference between close knit and enmeshment. I think the difference of just being close and enjoying each other's company a lot and enmeshment is the power dynamic. There is usually one person that is kind of dictating the family culture and everyone else just goes along with it.
This is so heavy. Do you have any idea how impactful this stuff is? Need to watch this again and again real slow. It’s a family epidemic and it’s slowly killing all of us while we’re still trapped, slaving to our living or dead parents in our minds. Everyone has complex ptsd and no one knew why. I know. You know. Heavy.
I have recently come across this issue, while continued research into narcissism, from which I believe my wife suffers……… among other things, she has an unusual relationship with her parents and in particular her father………what you are talking about here makes a lot of sense in this context. One particularly pertinent point is that of personalising a child’s actions. My wife is always talking in terms of “you are making me angry, you have made me sad” as if our daughters are doing something to deliberately hurt……
This video changed my life for the better. I’m glad you exist and that you decided to make this a job for yourself, because this is exactly what people need. I know because it was for me! You’re a blessing to our poor very mentally ill human population, thank you
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to learn about and explore this concept without trying to sell me courses via a website with a free quiz that requires I cough up my email, and then a giveaway that is actually a lure, which is the everywhere successful business model online these days. Frankly, I shut a video down the minute I hear, “free quiz…my courses.” Subscribed 👍🏼 You have a very interesting channel. I found you as I was trying to learn more about the enfp type.
This video absolutely killed me. In a good way. So much insight, just wow. Awaiting more videos on enmeshment, this is gold to people like me. So happy I found your channel.
I come from a Super Enmeshed Family, I am discovering. What's weird is realizing how far apart too close makes family members. It was ALL UNSTATED BOINDARIES.😢 And frustration. .wow. Thank you, Heidi!!
Number 6 hit me hard!! I used to think my hubby was insensitive and inconsiderate because he didn't try to read my mind and anticipate what I might want or need. 🤦🏼♀️
Your channel is such an awesome contribution. It's one of my top four favorite mental health resources on YT. I share your work all the time. Thank you for what you do!
Holy moly. I have never related more to anything in my life. I’ve spent years trying to explain the fears and confusion I have as it relates to my family unit, being my own individual and the terrifying fear that I’ll be rejected and abandoned for having my own thoughts and feelings. I need to listen this about 50 more times and really let it sink in. Thank you so much!!!
Toxic af, and it sounds like religion dynamics, too... 🤔 Thank you for sharing! This new term (I hadn't reflected on it this way) popped up in my feed and was exactly what I needed. I love how the universe uses UA-cam to teach me lessons at the right moment ❤ I especially appreciate how you show healthy vs unhealthy ways of how to see this played out in life. Good role-modeling is my fav.
My 21 yr old niece is enmeshed w her mother, my sister in law, due to my SILs inability and willingness to let her daughter actually grow up. My niece is not capable to make her own decisions and is often mistaken for being a13 year old. She lives at home, college is online, and she’ll never leave home. To young mothers out there - let ur kid be independent don’t coddle them. Give them wings to fly.
Whoa this was BRUTAL for me to watch in the best way possible. I luckily married a very secure person but my family of origin still operates with all 10 unfortunately
It's kind of eerie how all of these videos seems like they were made for so many of us, or at least me. I always feel like I'll owe people a favour for anything they might help me with, and I despise that because of the unwritten rules of my family. And of course the mindreading abilities that I had to develop, or lack thereof meant a lot of yelling and scolding and I truly don't feel like I can solve many problems now as a result of this, or even ask for help. So I'm just stuck.
I’ve now shared this video (as well as other videos from this recent series, accordingly) with nearly everyone I know closely, and when I have done so I have included the following message to assist in the learning process (which I considered may be helpful here for everyone watching this video as well): “Truly an excellent dissection of the topic of enmeshment dynamics, particularly here regarding familial relationships. A small note of caution to help in navigating labors of interpretation and digestion of parts of this content: like how analogies are not representative of equivalent claims (ie, if i say, “the sun is like a chocolate chip cookie” the sun does not then literally become understood as a cookie that exists in the sky above our heads) given illustrative examples utilized in this video are similarly not equivalent claims, and should not be conflated to being equivalent claims, to reality itself - often when stories are shared publicly, sensitive information is often warped and slightly altered to protect the anonymity of parties involved, and the same is done and observably performed here, to preserve the spirit of challenge in the task of learning, as is the objective of education.” Thank you Heidi for generating such high quality content, you are a great example and role model (among numerous others also making powerful contributions) for those making content in the mental health and attachment style space!
thanks so much for this video!! I’m at a point in my healing journey where being a different person than the people I care about is finally starting to feel like a good thing rather than an unfortunate thing, and this really helps me put in perspective why I’ve historically really struggled with this and what I can look forward to now that I’m starting to approach things in a new way. I’m definitely gonna be keeping an eye out for the upcoming videos on enmeshment in adult relationships!
Fuuuck a lot of this hits me so hard lol. It feels so unbelievably relatable and explains so much of what has happened in my life. I'm almost certain at this point that I did come from an enmeshed family, in particular my mother was enmeshed (and continues to try to be), and as a result I have become extremely avoidant yet also codependent in relationships as an adult and don't know how to have healthy relationships. I just became aware of enmeshment and admitted to myself that I must have an insecure attachment style this year. I don't know how to heal from this but your video is extremely helpful for me to help try to explain to a potential new therapist what the problem is! The parts about being fearful and avoidant of expressing differing beliefs to anyone because it has been conditioned to think I will be rejected for them is SO true for me. And of course, it prevents close bonds from forming because you can't feel close to someone without actually telling them what you really think. I think my parents, in childhood, made me feel like what I believe doesn't matter and that I need to follow the family culture and that if I believe something different, that means I am mentally ill or there's something wrong with me. So it's really hard to overcome this as an adult. It has turned me into a very private and lonely person who struggles to open up to anyone, even good friends that I trust wouldn't "reject me" over differences...
This is the best explanation of enmeshed family dynamics I have ever heard, thank you Heidi ❤ It's a horrific thing to go through, can't believe I survived the emotionally neglectful, invalidating, enmeshed and abusive upbringing my covert narcissist family subjected me to. I'm sure healing is possible, but it's a long and brutal road.
Damn, in my culture, this stuff is actually "the norm", not even the exception, everything you said is 100% what happened and still happening to me... I was always resisting this yet I'm still falling into this trap eventhough I'm in my mid-thirties...
This video was so densely filled with helpful information. I’ve been doing therapy and self development for years and it gave me so many light bulb moments. Thank you 🙏.
First time hearing Enmeshment and totally called out. I’m 4 months into my attachment healing and this is vital information! Thank you Heidi will be listening to this one multi times.
Thank you Heidi you’re videos have been extremely healing in more ways than many others have. I appreciate your work! And thank you for your continuous contributions!
I searched your channel for information on my need for validation. I’ve addressed the ego side and came to terms w the balance. But, I landed on this video bc I know I come from dysfunction…and enmeshment resonates. I feel fortunate I’m able to acknowledge a problem within me, name it, learn about it and move on, healthfully. I believe I may lean fearful avoidant and am working toward becoming more securely attached. At this point, as a 60yr old widow, I don’t feel I NEED a significant partner, but find I continually return to wanting one and all arrows seem to point back to my need for validation. ???That seems a weak point to want/need a relationship bc of. I’d really like your take on the matter.🙏🏼
This is so painful for me to listen to this and realize how exactly my mom and family in general fucked me up. To the detail. It's a path to healing, but god, I'm stoping the video every few minutes to just breathe.
Thanks, Heidi. I never understood a lot of things about my family until I started watching your videos now I understand I was never an issue people just keep finding things to make an issue out of it
Hallmark video ❤ I'm still struggling with some of these points. Can't wait for the next videos t 🎉 You're such a great help, always explaining so thoroughly and succinctly at the same time ❤ Amazingly developed te ❤
I didn’t realize these things were all related to a thing … a thing called enmeshment … i’ve heard the term but didn’t really understand the meaning THANKS!!
I came from and enmeshed household and once I new what was going on after the 1st 25 years on my life I was sick to my stomach, but dare not tell anyone the life that I have lived. Most of my so called friends just thought my household was a bit weird but never did elaborate on it in my face..
I feel it’s hard to heal when so many people are pushing to make the self help about themselves or to control the conversation UNTIL it doesn’t matter when it is about the person who is doing the work and watching the video. Limerence is a great topic if I can get rid of the intimidating/controlling omnipresence and is important to myself to move on from the drama triangle that so many force people to live in.
listening to this reminds me of a time growing up where it was not allowed to just go and sit alone in the bedroom during the day. The bedroom itself was shared during the night.
I thought i was more or less the "cool" and concious person that has everything figured out (or almost) and that i'm the healthy presence because of that Now it seems that i'm actually toxic and am playing out my enmeshment wounding that i've got from my family
Thank you Heidi. Yes, I came from a codependent/enmeshed family - specifically my mother who also has DID and whose multiple personalities all have personality disorders 😅
off topic: 15:18 thank you for saying "highest" instead of "lowest common denominator" I've heard "lowest" used wrong numerous times, this was like wow, finally someone 😄
As a wife of 30 years to a husband who is enmeshed with his family it is pure hell, the family has total control over him & his life despite the fact he has a family of his own, he’s been so brainwashed for his whole life that he’d dump me & his children & everything he owns before he’d become an independent individual. I end up being the person who receives all his anger & frustrations from his family control sometimes I simply say hey, what you think let’s have tacos tonight for dinner & he becomes angry saying I’m always controlling him & maybe he doesn’t want tacos. I’m like omg really, but it’s because the pressure & toxic family dysfunction has him frustrated but he’s clueless as to how to have a family but also have independence & a life separate from them. Unfortunately for me because of my religious beliefs & obligation I have to carry my cross & learn to disconnect from the emotional connection which should exist but it can’t he’s already married to his family.
Hugely helpful video. A lot of these didn't fit with my experiences directly...but they *did* fit with the ways others in my family have reacted to me expressing myself, to such a strong extent that it explains a lot about their childhoods and the ways they continue to cause attachment wounding. Maybe this will help find a way to convince them to get help...but I'm not holding my breath.
I grew up in a family where boundaries were seen as arrogant and rude.
My mother trampled boundaries because it was fun. My father trampled them because “it was for your own good”.
Same for me, i isolate myself and created strong boundaries... You dont need them ( you need money and oxygen, thats it).
Selfish, arrogant and rude totally
Yep, me too. Sending love; I hope you become whole and healed! ❤️
1. An extreme sense of guilt/shame deviating from family culture
2. You struggle to differentiate whose feelings are whose when you get close to someone
3. You tend to suppress thoughts/feelings/opinions that differ from those around you
4. You tend to operate under a false social mask because you feel ashamed of being different from someone else
5. Family of origin has a strong us vs them mentality
6. You don't express your needs, try to anticipate the needs of others and resent when others fail to reciprocate your attempted mind-reading
7. You struggle to understand what a boundary is
8. When your family offers you support, they are actually creating a line of dependency
9. You view keeping quiet about disfunctional/abusive behavior as a sign of love
10. You find it threatening to see people act in a secure way
Living with my family, I never thought my mom had this problem or at least to say my mom’s family specifically my maternal grandmother. For #10 is quite the opposite because it is mostly admiration for the others because is something I would really love to have but, unfortunately even commenting makes me quite uneasy because I think that sometimes my mom or my family doesn’t have any sort of you know, imperfection. So, when I think about it, it makes me wonder if my feelings are normal in the sense of how I feel and suspect the family dynamic is like.
God I have all these lol
As I grow and learn, #10 is not an issue. I want to be secure and around others who are secure. Have had envy about secure families who are there for one another, don't ruin their children's graduations and special days, etc.
Okay, so I don’t even know what to say anymore. I’m almost afraid to click on your videos now. You keep providing me with the tools I didn’t know existed to heal. It hurts hearing about yourself in such lucid detail when all the while you thought you were all alone stuck inside. Thanks Heidi.
you're not alone, most of us with CPTSD and/or fearful-avoidant attachment feel this way. it gets easier as you internalize the new info and see yourself differently.
@@shiny_x3 I suppose you're right. I'll let you know when I finish isolating
@@shiny_x3 I have anxious attachment and feel this way. listening to her makes me so scared but also very hopeful about my future.
@@nataliaturner4845
Interesting comment, it got me thinking.
"You must not bring up politics" is an order. You simply try to make someone obey you. It's almost abuse (almost - because you don't know how to force it, but it sounds like that is the intention).
It's impolite, but neither wrong nor illegal (unless you signed a contract) for them to keep talking about politics, even if you asked. That is their need. You cannot stop them from trying to get that need met - need to express oneself is a pretty basic human need, kind of reflected in the freedom of speech.
Thankfully, you have no obligation to listen to them either. You cannot make them shut up, but you can leave or stop listening to them.
Boundary is not something other people do. It's something that you promise for yourself.
The boundary that I read between the lines is: "If he starts talking about politics, then I'm getting the hell our of there."
The problem lays in execution of this boundary. If you know it's likely to happen, make sure you have a way out. Take money to pay for your meal and be ready to catch a taxi or walk. As soon as he starts talking about politics - leave.
If that's impossible - don't put yourself in that situation, decilne the invite.
If you want to be in that situation (eg. you want a free meal more than you want to respect your boundary), that's ok. But be real that this is your decision and cut on the resentment for the other person. It's on you to not trust them next time and not put yourself in this situation again.
Ironically, stating the boundary and consistently acting on it might result in the other person respecting it and adjusting (more likely than direct order). But they have no obligation to do that.
Law and personal boundaries are completely separate matters.
Law is for society, not for an individual. Even personal laws exist so we can cooperate kind of peacefully. And that, in turn, helps individuals in the society, but that's not the focus.
Your personal boundaries serve you and only you (I mean, you are easier to be around for other people, too - but you are the focus).
Another thing to think of - boundaries aren't 'good' by nature. You can create a boundary that hurts other people and feel like you are in the right, because that's your boundary.
E.g. "if my son turns out to be gay, I'm disowning him", "if someone comes to my house uninvited, I'll shoot him", "if I'll get pregnant after being raped, I'm aborting it", "if the dog vomits on the carpet, I'm not cleaning it up".
What's more confusing - the same things might me bad/neutral/good depending on the society you live in/people you hang out with.
Also, boundaries don't solve other problems in your life, like lack of resources.
However, I do believe that it's easier to solve them when you know your own boundaries, so it's worth to work on them regardless of how you're doing in life.
Can you please mention which tools were discussed in this video about enmeshment?
Because most of the times she talks about recognizing (which is super important), yet not about "how to fix this" tools...
Great video Heidi. I am in a relationship with my wife who comes from an enmeshed family. I’ve been to counseling, I’ve tried to show my wife these types of videos and nothing could get through to her. Just recently, she asked me for a divorce. Her reasoning is that I am not a core member of her family and my outside the family relationships are hurting her family members since I am not a 100% participant with their family vacations, parties and get togethers. I love her very much, but at the end of the day she needs someone to be close to while she is living her life with her family. All attempts to beg her to grow within our marriage were met with hostility. Listening to you speak on this subject has been very helpful to make me realize that I am not the cause of our marriage’s collapse. Thanks again Heidi!
Run!! Leave her and her family!! A huge weight will be lifted from your shoulders. It'll save you so much emotional, mental and physical sickness and heartache/heartbreak 💔... it's not worth it to fight with anyone regarding their toxic families.. you ALWAYS lose!!
She tells you,as her spouse,You are not a core member of her family.That is a sign of enmeshment if I ever heard of one.
She doesn't need someone to be close to; she thinks she needs someone to absorb. Think of her as an Amoeba without boundaries.
One person's feelings are the number one responsibility aka the most mentally ill person in the house is setting the rules
And no one can talk about it
Then ppl wonder how kids become mentally ill & why some turn into evil ppl😊
@@ashleyspiano Lmao oh the accuracy
Not the most mentally ill necessarily, but the most controlling or aggressive.
@@yourworstfan controlling & aggressive is at least mentally unwell, mentally dysfunctional
When you mention that enmeshment is often generational, I feel like the reason for that is so much deeper and more sinister than we realize. For people who grow up without properly recognizing and processing their enmeshment trauma, having their own kids and enforcing their own enmeshed system is their way of releasing a lifetime of pent up feelings of lack of emotional autonomy. They then pass on this idea to the next generation that "the only acceptable way to be emotionally autonomous in life is to have children and dictate THEIR emotional state."
I think it may actually be simpler than that: Despite experiencing the pain and trauma that comes from an enmeshed family unit, unless we have gone through therapy to learn to name enmeshment for what it is (or come to understand it through some other means), we don't necessarily know that the enmeshment itself is the source of the dysfunction.
It's entirely possible, likely even, to grow up in an enmeshed family and assume the enmeshment is a positive thing and all the negatives are the result of some other character flaws in our parents. They were right to be so deeply invested in my well being and trying to help "guide" me with every big decision in my life, etc they just were flawed people so their flaws poisoned the well. And since we can recognize those flaws and avoid them in ourselves, then we feel confident repeating the patterns of enmeshment and we believe that the result will be something positive.
Basically, if you come from an enmeshed family, you might think the enmeshment is a good thing, it just wasn't implemented properly. (And you adamantly refuse to "blame" your parents for this without also excusing it as unintentional). So you try to do it "right" with your kids.
But because it's the patterns of enmeshment themselves that are unhealthy, you end up creating a different kind of enmeshed family, but still one that struggles with unhealthy patterns around enmeshment.
Ugh I was in a 10 year relationship with someone and this describes their family exactly. Had to end the relationship because my partner brought the enmeshed rules to our relationship as well. Terrible toxic dynamic with this person. I felt invisible. If I set a boundary or had a different opinion I was either verbally abused or given the silent treatment. Loyalty was ALWAYS to their family of origin and their family “could do no wrong”. Finally got out and started my own healing around allowing this BS dynamic. I never knew families like this existed. It’s cult-like for sure. Compassion for anyone who has suffered through this family dynamic and I applaud you for seeing it and wanting to heal from it. Takes courage!
When did you decide to end the relationship?
Yeppers 😮,I finally took a 10 mile step back. It's awkward and I'm doing some healing work 😅.
4:33 1: The enmeshed family culture punishes you for deviating from it. Children are extensions of the parents' egos. Differentiation of family members is unacceptable, and met with rejection or silence.
Being an individual is not okay.
8:26: 2: You struggle to separate whose feelings are whose when you are in close relationship with someone.
11:10 3: You naturally inhibit any opinions or ideas you have that contradict that of those around you
14:03 4: You operate from a false social mask most of the time, because feelings of difference make you feel intense shame. You're inauthentic.
15:27 5: Your family of origin has a strong us-vs-them mentality
17:53 6: You struggle to voice your needs, so you tend to anticipate others' needs - without asking them - and become resentful when they do not naturally reciprocate the same for you.
19:41 7: You struggle to understand what a boundary is.
21:52 8: When you're offered support, advice, or encouragement by your family, it's usually offered in the form of continuing your dependency instead of empowering you. You enjoy the thought of others needing you.
24:55 9: You have a "no-talk" rule: you believe that keeping quiet about someone's dysfunction or problematic behaviour is a sign of love.
27:01 10: You find secure ways of relating difficult or even threatening.
29:30 Conclusion
Thank you for summarising!
Thank you for this
Thank you for doing this
Your like your parents shadows.. if you detach yourself you have to reap the consequences. The heartache, the stress of living as an individual an not like your still sharing emotions with your mom or dad like you all have 1 brain sharing the same emotions
Thank you for providing these time stamps & quotes!
Finally a word to describe my family dynamic. My parents are highly narcissistic and I’m finally accepting that I just can’t interact with them anymore. I need to be my own person.
A prime example of enmeshment in my family happened when I told them I was moving to Chicago from rural PA. (My half-brother also moved to LA when he came of age.) My dad reported the phone he got for me a few years ago while I was in college as lost or stolen. He also reported the junker car he gave me for 2500 from 2001 in 2018 as stolen when I moved an hour away to live with my partner. "Oh, you can always come stay with us if you need to." Yeah, well, I'd rather not.
This video reminds me of all the Asian cultures, where children are seen as an extension of parents. I knew my family dynamic was toxic, but I didn't have a name for it until now. My mum would bully me or lecture me into making decisions that she would have made herself. I remember feeling incredibly suffocated during childhood, I desperately wished to grow up asap so I could finally have agency and breathe, doing whatever I wanted without having to be cross-examined, justifying myself, or lying to escape interrogation
I'm Chinese, and I feel like I'm in this kind of dynamic. And I feel the same way as you. Feeling suffocated by their presence, I got very sensitive to the sound of footsteps behind me. Because I'll get pushed around, get my privacy taken away.
I relate to the feeling of needing to grow up asap too right now, its like im so immature and not well-adjusted to life itself. All I've been doing is answering to my parents needs and avoiding my parents simultaneously that I've not pursued my dreams.
They take care of my needs, I feel trapped by it. Deep inside, I honestly wished they stopped caring about me so i can find my own way, but at the same time, it may be that I'm the one who is not emotionally in touch and getting boundaries stepped all over.
My sister in law is Taiwanese, and she told me that in the Chinese culture the parents are very powerful.
And Catholic families and prob Jewish families
or AFRICAN
Filipino families are probably the most liberal. We value family & harmony but also don't hide disagreements. I see toxicity or enmeshment in some families but others are well-off because parents actually value their children's individuality and children value their parents. Many families happily house in-laws who help with daycare while parents work. There used to be a thing where you had to take care of your parents no matter how toxic they are but I think younger generations are wising up and saying no if they are in such situations.
I was the family scapegoat that went against my narcissistic family cult.. Was put in the "doghouse" as a result. So grateful and happy I stood my ground to maintain my authenticity despite many conflicts, blaming and finger pointing.. My soul was not for sale regardless. Walked away from everyone in my adult years...Found peace..❤
I don’t know what is worse; being caught up in the enmeshment or realising something isn’t right *while you are still a child*
If you don’t realise you are going to take on those unhealthy traits as an adult
If you do realise and call it out you risk becoming the family scapegoat
If you understand both of the above you don’t trust your parents and have to play your part in what you know to be pantomime which is just bizarre and ick. 🤷🏻♀️
i knew as as child that it wasn't right, but i didn't have enough resources or support to not be shaped by it. but knowing that did help me relentlessly pursue healing as an adult, as i knew that there had to be a better (healthier) way to live and relate to self and others
I feel like you're both in my brain and that's both incredibly validating but also I'm so sorry. 💜
You don't remain the family scapegoat forever... a scapegoat can grow up to be a black sheep who moves far away and never looks back. So there's that.
@@lysafisk7123more like "black dog", but you're so right, & the year i went no contact was the best year ever. i'm currently trying to get UN-enmeshed now. thanks for your optimistic view!
I found that people being curious about what I was doing always came as looking for reasons to tear down what I was doing. I have very little idea how to engage with people on anything that matters to me without feeling like I'm being scrutinized by a devil.
Thank you for this. I’m honestly feeling pretty disgusted, sad, angry and frustrated right now. I feel like I was robbed of healthy love. I know I can heal and create a secure attachment for myself and I do have hope. But there’s definitely a part of me that’s very depressed and ruminating. Trying to calm that part of me and support myself.
I hope you keep finding the power to stand up for yourself...It's a steep hill to climb, don't forget to smile now and then
I didn't even understand this term going in, only to find how many boxes my family checks off by the end of the video. My biggest problem was always that my mother parroted all the right encouragements, but actual behaviour day to day communicated the opposite. "of course you can tell me how you feel" except you 100% cannot.
Holly shit. That sense of guilt hits home hard (like my dad lol). My dad was super controling and would get mad fast. I sometimes felt like i never got to know my true self because he always kept getting mad. I jave a lot of anxiety because of that.
Every time I watch these videos I rush to subscribe, then realise I'm already subscribed, so I like the video, then I feel like I should unsubscribe just so I can resubscribe again because it's such a gem of a channel
😂🙏💜
Hahahahaa ditto :-)
Certainly, a Gem 💎 of a channel
completely agree with this statement. Heidi is the GOAT 💯
NAILED it. Thank you Heidi for the work you put into this channel, the info is invaluable and you deliver it in a very easy to understand and relatable way. I appreciate you!
Hahaha just did exactly this 🤣
This is excellent information and I can heartily say, "yes!" It's odd my family was very enmeshed yet also very distant. No real intimacy or affection at all. In some ways I feel that distance was a way to set some kind of "boundary" when we couldn't.
I've been working on this for some time (as in years) and can see now how dysfunctional it all was. I've improved significantly with therapy and my own study of trauma, family systems and attachment. I had just thought this was of a certain generation (parents had both lived through the Depression and you just help people out in whatever way you can) but it took some time to realize the deeper issues there.
Thanks and keep up the great work!
Are we from the same family? LOL I relate very much to what you’re saying.
WHEW that's my family right there
And I believe this was the basis of disorganized/fearful avoidant attachment in me. Extremes of behavior and environment.
Because I don’t believe we are meant to live a good life if we have to worry about everyone’s opinions. There is a good purpose to individuality
me too, very enmeshed yet also very distant. soooo confusing.
I'm (anxious-leaning) still recovering from a past relationship where even though I loved her (dismissive avoidant), she set "boundaries" around what pet names I was not supposed to use, "boundaries" around me not expressing my need for intimacy, all whilst I was completely unaware of what her needs were, even though I asked. It seemed as though I knew what she didn't want, but never what she actually wanted. Conversely, I was completely oblivious of what boundaries I could have (I still am) and really shied away from expressing my needs. Of course, this spiralled out of control with both of us being severly triggered, left mutually abandoned not having our needs met and often our boundaries stepped over. One with a fear of being abandoned, the other with a fear of being engulfed. I wish we were more sincere about these feelings. I wish we had access to this kind of tools. Thank you for what you do.
I wish you all don't lose your life over a certain love, and also that you don't lose the love of your life.
Literally introduced to this term today. I need to move out but feel so guilty. I feel terrible for wanting to live my life as grown ass 30 year old man. It's weird as in some ways I have become unenmeshed but in other ways I still can't create my boundary. I always feel I am playing a part and never can be myself around my family
Time Stamps For reference and sharing.
------------------------
4:32 Sign #1: You feel an extreme sense of guilt or shame anytime you do something that deviates significantly from the family culture.
8:26 Sign #2: You struggle to differentiate whose feelings are whose when you get close to someone.
11:10 sign #3: You tend to naturally inhibit any thoughts opinions or World Views you have that contradict the thoughts opinions and World Views of the people around you
14:03 Sign #4: Tend to operate under a false social mask most of the time.
15:26 Sign#5: Your family of origin has a very strong US versus them mentality
17:52 Sign #6: You have a tendency to not voice what your needs are in a relationship.
19:42 Sign #7: You struggle to understand what a boundary is like.
21:52 Sign #8: When your family offers you support or advice or encouragement often what they're actually doing is creating a dynamic of dependency.
24:55 Sign#9: You believe keeping quiet about someone else's dysfunctional or in many cases abusive behavior is a sign of love.
27:02 Sign #10: When you see people relating in a secure way you find it threatening.
My mom still tells me how “should” I feel, just when I start to talk about my feelings. I’m 30. I think from the moment I was born, it’s my job to regulate my whole family’s behavior. Even now, we’ll have huge fights whenever I wanted to “calmly” make them aware of my defectiveness schema. My mom always takes it too personally and I just left with guilt for making her upset because when she is upset she never talks and I have to be the one to break the silence. Imagine the enmeshed familyness in the situation of a love affair, when there is cheater in the family; where the child has the role of the mediator. I am trying really hard to have a healthy mental state and mind-set and these videos are huge help. I can’t tell you how important what you’re doing. Thank you so much.
Do we have the same family?
I'm the same age and my mom does the same thing. It's incredibly frustrating.
Sending you love ❤
@@Bbykns I really feel you. Sending hugs🌻🌻🌻
Wow...
Suddenly why my last and only long term relationship completely failed is glaringly obvious.
I refused to talk about her abuse because it made me feel like a bad person, like I was a failure because I couldn't be good enough to make her love me and I deserved the abuse. This also goes for my rocky relationship with my parents, I have always felt it was my responsibility to make them feel good and if they were miserable it was my fault, it's always been treated that way. I have heard the phrase "you make me feel x". countless times. Just today I expressed interest in body building and was attacked because I was making my father feel bad, that wanting to improve my physique was a sign af disrespect, an attack on his age and condition. I wanted to inspire him, I want him to love himself and get off the couch. I thought if I could inspire him he would want to be better. I would do anything for someone I love even if it hurts me even of it means destroying myself and disregarding my own feelings. I have always felt that it was my moral duty to make them feel comfortable. I have been ashamed my whole life of my creativity because it was seen as wasteful and decadent. My mother would scald me for drawing or painting, saying it was a sign of mental illness. I felt sick and hated myself that I just wanted to be good at something that made me feel meaning. "What is wrong with me" "why can't I just be normal like them"
"I am useless and selfish"
Thank you, for this video. I don't know how to fix this but at least I wont hate myself as much.
you seem so kind and sweet please understand that and be around people who see that. and if know one does then you never forget it.
This one video cleared it to me why and how my family environment was disfunctional and unhealthy to me. I always struggled to pin point how my family's situation impacted me directly, Since I was not abused in any way, my requirements taken care of, but I always felt so targeted and trapped still. Never emotionally opened to anyone in my family. And for the most part I believe it's my own flaw.
There were so many said unsaid rules in my family that were like unquestabale norms.
Now I can see what actually is behind all of my childhood problems and adulthood problems too.
This!
Sometimes when I am the only one recovering in my family it all feels v upsetting and despairing
I’m with you
I feel you BIG TIME. It's crazy how you and be so surrounded yet so alone. I've tried to get my folks to understand, but it's a losing battle...
@@gayatrisahaay8780 💗💗💗
I grew up with just my mom.. she had her own issues and one of them was an inability to separate her thoughts from my thoughts - she assumed I enjoyed everything she enjoyed, she would have entire conversations with me in her head (and then hold me accountable for her imaginary conversations, I'd get grounded or yelled at over things she thinks I might have said. I was a good kid who never got in trouble and teachers loved, I never acted out, etc...). A previous therapist hypothesized this was a form of enmeshment, the first time I'd heard the term. The irony is that we're 180 degrees opposite from each other, completely different interests and likes (she's extremely expressive and emotional, i'm reserved and generally even-keeled; she is an artist, I'm into sports and "STEM" type jobs, etc)
I do have issues in relationships with my partner's independence tho, it feels very rejecting and distancing. I've always wanted a partner who, if I was feeling down, would wrap their arms around me and just like, lay in bed with me and watch a movie or have a quiet day at home instead of giving me space alone. I dunno if it's bad luck but I've never had that kind of partner that wanted to like "be there for me" like that. Not that my mom ever was - she was never able to "hear" me and was constantly conversing with the version of me that was in her head (and of course, because of her own stuff, that voice in her head was constantly negative). I feel kinda stuck, like I almost need to relive a whole new childhood again to get over some of this stuff. I have therapists but... they don't really ask difficult questions.
Hey, I had similar issues as a child who lived with just my mother. It's unfortunate that some parents don't provide a safe atmosphere for their children, so they never see them for who they truly are.
I don't know you, but you surely had to accomplish your goals without assistance from others, and you should be quite proud of that :)
These explanations hit so deep
I am currently trying to navigate a big rupture in my enmeshed family and this was helpful to have our enmeshed status validated. I'm looking forward to the rest of the series on how it shows up as an adult and hopefully what to do with some of those feelings. I just feel so much pressure from my family to spill my pain to them and I know it's not a safe place to go with my pain. And me keeping my pain to myself hurts them too, so this is just all extra confusing and exhausting.
I'm navigating this as well. I'm trying to get involved in CODA as well.
😮😮 THIS EXPLAINS SOO MUCH. As someone currently healing Fearful Avoidant, emeshment is the missing information. Like I know something is wrong but i cant put my finger on it, I dont know enough to recognize it like where it start and ends but Intuitively know SOMETHING IS wrong but this all i know and want to be accepted or get my needs met. My God this is deep. FA, Enmeshment, social contracts, no boundaries, AP, DA, and the echo of your childhood coloring your adult relationships is terrifyingly enlightening. But i want to fix this for myself and for my future family.
Amazingly accurate description of my in-laws have seemed like a clan for decades. Very helpful. Thank you.
This. Is. GOLD. I have searched for this video for years. Yours is the only one out there. The concept of enmeshment has been the glue that put all the pieces of dysfunction together for me in my healing journey. Thank you for this beautiful explanation. ❤
If there's a person around, I belong to that person and it's my job to make their life easier. If I perceive they've done something to benefit me (whether on purpose or incidentally, and regardless of whether or not it actually did), I must do something to benefit them at least as much. If I fail at this, even in a small way, I feel extreme self-hatred; at the same time, deep down I feel the injustice I do to myself and hate myself for that too. This makes sustaining social relationships impossible, as the closer I am to someone the more I feel the need to do things for them and put on a good face: I could tell my deepest secrets to someone I've just met, but if the relationship were to stretch out longer it would become increasingly artificial until I inevitably cut off contact due to stress.
This mindset stems from enmeshment and is the cause of all the worst decisions I've made in my life, and the only escape is to be completely alone with no threat of invasion to my solitude.
Lol, I too, have strongly considered living my life as a hermit. For the reasons you stated, I find people are overwhelming when they are genuinely trying to be nice to us; on the flipside, they are downright life-sucking, emotional vampires when others are petty or mean. I avoid people where I can, as a result.
That said, I found a lot of validation in the Bible, of all places. According to the Creator of the universe, we should only expect to find a handful of truly good friends/people in this life, and we should cherish them for they are few and far between. I also love the verses stating married couples should positively FLEE their parents/in-laws, specifically to avoid problems like enmeshment.
This is not my family but my 57 year old male partners who’s family control all of his choices and priorities especially over me…my feelings and opinions mean nothing I am insignificant…you are so spot on! They do not discuss the go risk in the room while my mouth is hanging open 🦍 😮
Good content Heidi. Had to move away from my small home town of about 1000 people, and my Family, when I was about 30, with my , Ex Wife & children, to get away from enmeshed family. Am still criticised, to this day, and I am now 63yrs old. They may yet, destroy, our ties. It remains to be seen. I refuse to be controlled & devalued. Sister, who never left, is causing all the trouble. I am considering seeing a Counselor, for myself.
Damn bro. People really need this. 🙄 my family needs this. But I can’t control them only me. Because of your channel I have a better and clearer understanding of boundaries not just in what they are but how to set them and what each individual boundary means to me 😊. I come from an OVERLY EMESHED FAMILY and these videos have been ( sometimes I can’t even find the right words to describe how lighter I feel and enlightened I feel after watching these videos) truly eye opening for me ❤❤❤
This was not only validating and healing, it was incredibly enlightening. So beautifully put together. Thank you for making such important and meaningful contributions to our society. Thank you for helping me understand myself more. Truly appreciated✨
I'm struggling with my family right now, especially my sister. I thought she was making bad decisions and that I needed to steer her in the right direction. But now I realize that I am manipulating/controlling her and that she feels threatened/judged by my "help." Therefore, she lashes out at me, which made me label her as a narcissist.
Now I'm thinking, why do I feel the need to "help" her all the time? Where did that come from? Maybe I felt responsibility put on me as an older sibling to look after her. Afterall, my parents were emotionally unavailable. My sister and I were really tight knit as kids - now I realize that that might not be such a good thing...
Relationships are so complicated 🤔
don't be a control freak, control don't equal love. you don't seem bad at all and you seem self aware and accountable. just gove her freedom to be herself and encourage that's all you can do she's not a baby or your baby you cannot make her do what you want just because you care. it's nice you care and I'm sure you have good intentions but just be supportive. I'm sure she's not a narc for lashing out, no one likes to be controlled that's just her way if saying back off and you need to listen. I'm sure if you stop trying to control people you will find she will feel much better towards you and you will feel better too
I’m about to take a long shower. I wonder if Heidi uploaded some more wisdom for me to wash directly into my brain.
“Uploaded 46 minutes ago.”
YES.
Oh my! This was super helpful. Thanks for sharing this content.
18:22 ahhhh perfect elaboration of my therapy sesh today! I’m a bully target at work, my colleague knows and asked if I could take on more work and I’m stewing on audacity but he’s just stating a need & the ship I’m in n struggling is my thing and not for him to care about if asking for what he needs
One of the best breakdowns I've heard on this topic. ✔️💯✔️
Not sure if you’d call it enmeshment but in some families it can happen when a family is living a wonderful life together. Say for example when a family has a beautiful family property and many get togethers. There are benefits to this family relationship, but hurts some when you feel called outside the joint family vision. It’s very difficult.
There is a difference between close knit and enmeshment. I think the difference of just being close and enjoying each other's company a lot and enmeshment is the power dynamic. There is usually one person that is kind of dictating the family culture and everyone else just goes along with it.
@@Tinkey71yes what you’re saying sounds about right. Sometimes enmeshment can look like a wonderfully symbiotic relationship from the outside too.
This is so heavy. Do you have any idea how impactful this stuff is? Need to watch this again and again real slow. It’s a family epidemic and it’s slowly killing all of us while we’re still trapped, slaving to our living or dead parents in our minds. Everyone has complex ptsd and no one knew why. I know. You know. Heavy.
I have recently come across this issue, while continued research into narcissism, from which I believe my wife suffers……… among other things, she has an unusual relationship with her parents and in particular her father………what you are talking about here makes a lot of sense in this context. One particularly pertinent point is that of personalising a child’s actions. My wife is always talking in terms of “you are making me angry, you have made me sad” as if our daughters are doing something to deliberately hurt……
Oofff if only you'd looked at that before having children. They're the victims now, not you, and you're part of the problem.
This video changed my life for the better. I’m glad you exist and that you decided to make this a job for yourself, because this is exactly what people need. I know because it was for me! You’re a blessing to our poor very mentally ill human population, thank you
You’re doing God’s work ❤
Always inspiring, thank you Heidi, love your work
This is one of the best videos I have ever come across
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to learn about and explore this concept without trying to sell me courses via a website with a free quiz that requires I cough up my email, and then a giveaway that is actually a lure, which is the everywhere successful business model online these days. Frankly, I shut a video down the minute I hear, “free quiz…my courses.” Subscribed 👍🏼 You have a very interesting channel. I found you as I was trying to learn more about the enfp type.
Deep, nuanced, informative. Keep sharing your brilliance, the world needs it.
I avoided this video for a few days, I’m feeling brave today.. Thanks Heidi !
Your content is helping me save my life. Thank you so much and I love you too!!
This video absolutely killed me. In a good way. So much insight, just wow.
Awaiting more videos on enmeshment, this is gold to people like me. So happy I found your channel.
I come from a Super Enmeshed Family, I am discovering. What's weird is realizing how far apart too close makes family members. It was ALL UNSTATED BOINDARIES.😢
And frustration. .wow.
Thank you, Heidi!!
Number 6 hit me hard!! I used to think my hubby was insensitive and inconsiderate because he didn't try to read my mind and anticipate what I might want or need. 🤦🏼♀️
Your channel is such an awesome contribution. It's one of my top four favorite mental health resources on YT. I share your work all the time. Thank you for what you do!
I literally had to watch this 5 times to take notes and really absorb the content. ❤
i always come here when i need to figure out how to look at situations outside of my feelings... For my peace and growth
Holy moly. I have never related more to anything in my life. I’ve spent years trying to explain the fears and confusion I have as it relates to my family unit, being my own individual and the terrifying fear that I’ll be rejected and abandoned for having my own thoughts and feelings. I need to listen this about 50 more times and really let it sink in. Thank you so much!!!
Toxic af, and it sounds like religion dynamics, too... 🤔
Thank you for sharing! This new term (I hadn't reflected on it this way) popped up in my feed and was exactly what I needed. I love how the universe uses UA-cam to teach me lessons at the right moment ❤
I especially appreciate how you show healthy vs unhealthy ways of how to see this played out in life. Good role-modeling is my fav.
My 21 yr old niece is enmeshed w her mother, my sister in law, due to my SILs inability and willingness to let her daughter actually grow up. My niece is not capable to make her own decisions and is often mistaken for being a13 year old. She lives at home, college is online, and she’ll never leave home. To young mothers out there - let ur kid be independent don’t coddle them. Give them wings to fly.
Whoa this was BRUTAL for me to watch in the best way possible. I luckily married a very secure person but my family of origin still operates with all 10 unfortunately
It's kind of eerie how all of these videos seems like they were made for so many of us, or at least me.
I always feel like I'll owe people a favour for anything they might help me with, and I despise that because of the unwritten rules of my family. And of course the mindreading abilities that I had to develop, or lack thereof meant a lot of yelling and scolding and I truly don't feel like I can solve many problems now as a result of this, or even ask for help. So I'm just stuck.
I’ve now shared this video (as well as other videos from this recent series, accordingly) with nearly everyone I know closely, and when I have done so I have included the following message to assist in the learning process (which I considered may be helpful here for everyone watching this video as well):
“Truly an excellent dissection of the topic of enmeshment dynamics, particularly here regarding familial relationships.
A small note of caution to help in navigating labors of interpretation and digestion of parts of this content: like how analogies are not representative of equivalent claims (ie, if i say, “the sun is like a chocolate chip cookie” the sun does not then literally become understood as a cookie that exists in the sky above our heads) given illustrative examples utilized in this video are similarly not equivalent claims, and should not be conflated to being equivalent claims, to reality itself - often when stories are shared publicly, sensitive information is often warped and slightly altered to protect the anonymity of parties involved, and the same is done and observably performed here, to preserve the spirit of challenge in the task of learning, as is the objective of education.”
Thank you Heidi for generating such high quality content, you are a great example and role model (among numerous others also making powerful contributions) for those making content in the mental health and attachment style space!
What did the quoted text mean? Can you say it shorter and more clearly?
thanks so much for this video!! I’m at a point in my healing journey where being a different person than the people I care about is finally starting to feel like a good thing rather than an unfortunate thing, and this really helps me put in perspective why I’ve historically really struggled with this and what I can look forward to now that I’m starting to approach things in a new way. I’m definitely gonna be keeping an eye out for the upcoming videos on enmeshment in adult relationships!
Fuuuck a lot of this hits me so hard lol. It feels so unbelievably relatable and explains so much of what has happened in my life. I'm almost certain at this point that I did come from an enmeshed family, in particular my mother was enmeshed (and continues to try to be), and as a result I have become extremely avoidant yet also codependent in relationships as an adult and don't know how to have healthy relationships.
I just became aware of enmeshment and admitted to myself that I must have an insecure attachment style this year. I don't know how to heal from this but your video is extremely helpful for me to help try to explain to a potential new therapist what the problem is!
The parts about being fearful and avoidant of expressing differing beliefs to anyone because it has been conditioned to think I will be rejected for them is SO true for me. And of course, it prevents close bonds from forming because you can't feel close to someone without actually telling them what you really think. I think my parents, in childhood, made me feel like what I believe doesn't matter and that I need to follow the family culture and that if I believe something different, that means I am mentally ill or there's something wrong with me.
So it's really hard to overcome this as an adult. It has turned me into a very private and lonely person who struggles to open up to anyone, even good friends that I trust wouldn't "reject me" over differences...
This is the best explanation of enmeshed family dynamics I have ever heard, thank you Heidi ❤ It's a horrific thing to go through, can't believe I survived the emotionally neglectful, invalidating, enmeshed and abusive upbringing my covert narcissist family subjected me to. I'm sure healing is possible, but it's a long and brutal road.
Damn, in my culture, this stuff is actually "the norm", not even the exception, everything you said is 100% what happened and still happening to me... I was always resisting this yet I'm still falling into this trap eventhough I'm in my mid-thirties...
Very cool knowledge! Finally I understand my distorted origin.
This video was so densely filled with helpful information. I’ve been doing therapy and self development for years and it gave me so many light bulb moments.
Thank you 🙏.
Once again, another video that is gold. Thank you 💪🏻
First time hearing Enmeshment and totally called out. I’m 4 months into my attachment healing and this is vital information! Thank you Heidi will be listening to this one multi times.
Every video is gold Heidi. You're absolutely nailing it
Oh yikes my mom and I were definitely in this dynamic
Wow this is so helpful and eye opening. I wish I found this 20 years ago.
Incredible as always. Never stop the good work. ❤
gosh, this was so eye opening, cannot thank you enough. Thank you for shining light on the more subtle dysfunctional family dynamics
Thank you Heidi you’re videos have been extremely healing in more ways than many others have. I appreciate your work! And thank you for your continuous contributions!
This was jam-packed with useful, intelligently-presented information. Nice job.
I searched your channel for information on my need for validation. I’ve addressed the ego side and came to terms w the balance. But, I landed on this video bc I know I come from dysfunction…and enmeshment resonates.
I feel fortunate I’m able to acknowledge a problem within me, name it, learn about it and move on, healthfully.
I believe I may lean fearful avoidant and am working toward becoming more securely attached.
At this point, as a 60yr old widow, I don’t feel I NEED a significant partner, but find I continually return to wanting one and all arrows seem to point back to my need for validation. ???That seems a weak point to want/need a relationship bc of. I’d really like your take on the
matter.🙏🏼
This is so painful for me to listen to this and realize how exactly my mom and family in general fucked me up. To the detail.
It's a path to healing, but god, I'm stoping the video every few minutes to just breathe.
Love the content! Super insightful and meaningful to me in this moment in time!
Growing up this way really had me messed up for a long time. Thinking this one soul was going to be my knight in shining armor & forever & ever.
This is so very profound and useful - THANK YOU ❤
Thanks, Heidi. I never understood a lot of things about my family until I started watching your videos now I understand I was never an issue people just keep finding things to make an issue out of it
Hallmark video ❤ I'm still struggling with some of these points. Can't wait for the next videos t 🎉 You're such a great help, always explaining so thoroughly and succinctly at the same time ❤ Amazingly developed te ❤
Couldn’t have watched this at a more synchronistic time. Thank you Heidi!!!❤
I didn’t realize these things were all related to a thing … a thing called enmeshment … i’ve heard the term but didn’t really understand the meaning
THANKS!!
I came from and enmeshed household and once I new what was going on after the 1st 25 years on my life I was sick to my stomach, but dare not tell anyone the life that I have lived. Most of my so called friends just thought my household was a bit weird but never did elaborate on it in my face..
I feel it’s hard to heal when so many people are pushing to make the self help about themselves or to control the conversation UNTIL it doesn’t matter when it is about the person who is doing the work and watching the video. Limerence is a great topic if I can get rid of the intimidating/controlling omnipresence and is important to myself to move on from the drama triangle that so many force people to live in.
listening to this reminds me of a time growing up where it was not allowed to just go and sit alone in the bedroom during the day. The bedroom itself was shared during the night.
Thanks for spreading awareness that Enmeshed families do exist and ways to break free from that cycle
These videos are so helpful 🥰 Thank you for sharing!
I thought i was more or less the "cool" and concious person that has everything figured out (or almost) and that i'm the healthy presence because of that
Now it seems that i'm actually toxic and am playing out my enmeshment wounding that i've got from my family
😂👍🏼 Maybe that’s most of us.
I will have to watch this video again and again and again..Thank you Heidi!!!Looking forward to your next video!!
Thank you Heidi. Yes, I came from a codependent/enmeshed family - specifically my mother who also has DID and whose multiple personalities all have personality disorders 😅
Same here I'm sorry.
@@Duzmachines84 tysm 🙏 sending you 💓
off topic: 15:18 thank you for saying "highest" instead of "lowest common denominator"
I've heard "lowest" used wrong numerous times, this was like wow, finally someone 😄
As a wife of 30 years to a husband who is enmeshed with his family it is pure hell, the family has total control over him & his life despite the fact he has a family of his own, he’s been so brainwashed for his whole life that he’d dump me & his children & everything he owns before he’d become an independent individual.
I end up being the person who receives all his anger & frustrations from his family control sometimes I simply say hey, what you think let’s have tacos tonight for dinner & he becomes angry saying I’m always controlling him & maybe he doesn’t want tacos.
I’m like omg really, but it’s because the pressure & toxic family dysfunction has him frustrated but he’s clueless as to how to have a family but also have independence & a life separate from them.
Unfortunately for me because of my religious beliefs & obligation I have to carry my cross & learn to disconnect from the emotional connection which should exist but it can’t he’s already married to his family.
It's a pity I can't give this video more than one thumbs up.
Hugely helpful video. A lot of these didn't fit with my experiences directly...but they *did* fit with the ways others in my family have reacted to me expressing myself, to such a strong extent that it explains a lot about their childhoods and the ways they continue to cause attachment wounding. Maybe this will help find a way to convince them to get help...but I'm not holding my breath.