I was functioning as a housewife at 13 cooking full meals, cleaning, parenting my siblings. Meanwhile, my friend mom would have a snack ready for her while she prepared dinner.
I was parentified as a teenager and praised when I was helpful to the adults and verbally abused if I made mistakes. Now I isolate a lot but my boundaries are slowly becoming a lot stronger
It sounds like that was difficult and painful for you - and it makes sense that you would learn to not have healthy boundaries. Good for you for doing the work to undo the harm created.
@@juliakristinamah I'm sorry you were expected to be "perfect." Mistakes are inevitable, so that's not the issue. Problems arise when mistakes are not tolerated. I wish you well in your healing journey.
Thanks Julia. Senior Shifter Chris here! This was an interesting video: Parentification: 5 Key Signs You Were A Parentified Child
This was something I never really thought of. I would love to really look deeper to see if it is something that I want, though, I think I still have to reparent myself on some things. I did grow up in an alcoholic family, but I never really felt like I was ever putting on any responsibilities for other family members or “adult” responsibilities, but I do feel like I still need to work on being responsible for myself in ways that maybe I haven’t been taught. Here are my notes: Parentification: The role reversal of child and parent in some kind of significant or recurrent or long-lasting ways.
2 types: 1. Emotional Parentification: When the child becomes the coach, or the counsellor or the confidant to the parent. (When the parent comes to the child)
2. Instrumental Parentification: When a child thinks it is their job to take on the majority of the responsibilities in the home. (Not just taking care of parents but also siblings and to make sure they were safe, household duties, do the bills, feed…etc..not just emotional needs, but adult responsibilities)
*For those who went through parentification probably didn't feel like they could have just let loose and have fun and play with friends or afterschool or be creative. *If you felt anxious as a child and didn't keep everything together for everyone all the time. *Only praised or getting attention for being the "good girl" or the "good boy" ("good child" or the "responsible one") If the child was doing things for others or taking on responsibility and that was the only reason (This can lead to people pleasing) *You didn't trust your parents to be there for you so you learned to rely on yourself. (Your parents weren't there to feed you or take care of your siblings…etc.) *Hard time trusting people because your parents didn't you may think others won't help you either. *Going back to instrumental parentification, you felt responsible for everyone's needs, and now as an adult you are a over-functioner. Tend to feel exhausted or isolation.
What to do about this? *Develop a healthy sense of self. You need to develop a strong, secure relationship with yourself, and you listen and care for yourself. Reparenting yourself with care, love and self-trust. Work on self-compassion. *"There is nothing wrong with me, I went through things that were wrong." *Parentification is not okay. *Working on healing yourself through understanding and compassion. No shaming yourself. Remember always what worthy and valued people you are.
Omg, this is exactly me. My mom used to tell me she forced herself to stay married with my dad because of me. She sometimes asked me who I wanted to live with if they got divorced. I told her I wanted to live with her. Then she blamed me for agreeing they can get divorced. You can imagine how confused I was as a child.😂 She called me selfish when I told her I needed to take care of myself before I was able to take care of others. My dad even blamed me for that my younger sister increased his financial burdens. I finally said to him, why do you blame me for my sister spending extra money? I didn't give birth to sister. He never blamed me again for that ever after. Now I can laugh at those things but it took me decades to ground my self being. I nearly killed myself a few times since I was 7. I do vividly feel the impacts on me in my adulthood. Luckily I managed to ground myself and understand their limits. I'm grateful for them to raise me yet not in an ideal way. And thanks to my experience I learned to be independent and resilient. Now I can be supportive for them while maintaining my distance and boundaries. Knowing what should not to do is equally important as knowing what should do.
This is a crime and cruelty. This is use and abuse. Especialy the emotional parentification is drastic form of abuse. Most often it continues throughtout life of „child” until such parent finally dies. 😢 thank you for making people aware of this. Everyone knows about sexual abuse being toxic. The other types of parental abuse are ignored and belittled by society. Thank you for validation and education Julia 🙌🙌
Good now make it not the standard for parenting when you have multiple kids because everytime I see parents with 4 or 5 kids the two eldest ones are running around taking care of their siblings repremanding their siblings and the moms just shopping two isles over in the pajamas...its aweful
To anyone who were parentified, I am sorry you went through that. I can confidently say you are now free to make your own decisions and to roam freely.
One of the shifters, thanks for the video. It resonated with me, especially the instrumental parentification and always feeling this anxiety of having to take care of everything in the house (no fun or play after school) and taking care of my siblings from a young age. It’s hard and lonely always being there for everyone, but not really feeling that anyone can really be there for me. I’ve been struggling quite a lot with listening to myself, acknowledging my own needs and generally just taking care of myself. It feels like having another list of chores to my already long one. It’s quite overwhelming at times. Thanks for reading, it helps to write about it a bit:)
Thanks for sharing this. It sounds like now is the time for YOU! Small shifts - taking more time for joy and play and doing what YOU love. I see you doing the work and things will start to feel different soon.
Very good analysis, Julia. I think you covered most of the bases. One thing that you didn't point out, though, is that when dealing strictly with emotional parentification vs instrumental is the sense of accomplishment and belief in one's ability that an instrumental parentified child can aquire vs that of an emotionally parentified child. With instrumental parentification, you're, IE, shown a mop and a bucket, and aren't given instructions. Somehow, you problem solve and come up with a solution. It may not be the "proper" way to mop, or make a sandwich, or cook, whatever, but you find a way. And that boosts self-esteem, which may be the only positive here, is a can-do, independent attitude. An emotionally parentified child, on the other hand, has a task to solve a problem that even the adults cannot solve, IE, "fix my marriage." This creates low self-esteem because a child can never achieve and therefore becomes self defeated and ego deflated.
@PaulaDuncanAdams 👏👏 you nailed it. 👍👍 This is absolutely correct observation. That is the point my therapist made, when I was at the beginning of learning about the parentyfication and its influence on people. Emotional parentyfication is a curse for a child as it dmanages his/her ability to delevolp any sense of self worth and capacity to acheive anything in life. Such a child becomes a pushover and dormat for the rest of life🥺
Hello Julia, my friend gave me this link to me and I really enjoyed watching your vlog! I was sorta parentified, when my mom told me to watch the food in the oven, and I was upstairs watching cartoons. When my mom came home with my siblings, she scolded me because I almost burned down the house. I was born Deaf and Hard of Hearing, and I am proud of it. Now, I was married to my late husband of 34 yrs....had 3 kids. He was disabled. All of my kids were parentified. Especially my eldest daughter. She had to interpret for me and helping taking care of everything! I realized that much later.....Before my late husband passed away....he depends on my kids and me a lot.....Thank you for listening.
shift society traci here. I ticked all these boxes. thanks for the explaination and validation. I wonder why parentificatoon isn't a character builder with all that responsibility.
It can be Traci - but it also disrupts the normal development of children through play and fun. Responsibilities are good for children, but not having it so unbalanced that they are carrying the burden of the family instead of just helping out.
Thank you for this video 💕This basically summarised my childhood. Every point you made I related too deeply and feel I have suffered both types of parentifacation which still effects my outlook on life and personality. I have alot of pain from being taken advantage of from a young age beacuse I am the oldest child and feel I have a long Journey ahead but am taking the firsts steps ❤
@@juliakristinamah thats life! everyone has their own story to tell. it is sad but I need to move on. What matters I think is what I do with it :) . Thank you!
Omgosh! From age 8!!!! Both parents addicts, 2 little bros, new baby was MY responsibility and i onl heard praise for being "the litle mommy"...so broken now...issues with friends, love, life.....I havr moved on from m/d. And now when someone shows me love, even a little, I jump! I am a major ppl pleaser and my insecurity rules my life...funny enough, maybe not...here I am a nurse....I feel so lost....
I ended up here after yet another string of texts from my mom detailing an all day argument with my dad, how they’re behind on bills, her emotions, etc. this has been happening in person or over text as long as I can remember and I’m 28 now. I’ve mentioned how much it affects me to her but it never stops. Growing up when I tried to say something she’d say ‘dad doesn’t allow me to have friends so who am I supposed to talk to’. This is only partially true. If I do give in and give advice she says things like ‘you’re right, you’re so wise, I wish I could be like you, etc’. I hate being told these things as the child and I struggle with my own stuff too but I work at it every day, she tends to just lie down and give up instead.
@@stefanie9717 thank you, you too. I’m not glad it happens to anybody else but it is somewhat a relief to know other people struggle with this too. Every friend I’ve had, their mother is more traditional/more of a leader so they don’t understand
These same thoughts, problems, etc. developed in me, except it happened because my father died at 35. My mother at 35 also, had the rug pulled out from under her. She was very responsible for everything physical; home, food, safety, but not emotional available. First her personality was not the emotional type; as my father was and I took after him. I felt on my own responsible for our family's happiness now. Or like I had to somehow make her burden less... I could never do this... I am 61 now still struggling with this even though I realized some of this years ago. I just wanted to share this because the same thing can happen even when your parent provides for your physical needs. 21:43
I also wanted to say Julia how much I have related to your videos and how helpful I think you are to me and other people! I love your approach! I like that you keep videos short and to the point! I think it's a great way for the most important points to SINK IN for those who need it. Thank you so much for all you do!! 😊
Most of the times it is more difficult for people now living with a parentified person to handle similar expectations out of everyone else in the family. It can come across in the form of trying to control the thoughts/behavior of others in the family and getting upset with anything that wasn’t done as per that persons expectations (most of the times the expectations are not even clearly called out). Any advice for people on how to handle/help parentified family member?
I live with my daughter and son in law since my husband passed away. Noe the are expecting a baby. I'm always the one who cleans the apartment, cooks dinner, does the dishes, takes care of the pets, trash, vacuum, etc. My daughter does their laundry only. I feel obligated because I live there and sometimes feel I'm in the way. My son in law says I'm "too" nice and helpful. It's hard to know when I'm just in the way.
@@juliakristinamah I have talked about it with them, but I will continue to keep a low profile and help out when threy need me, Especially when the baby is born. i want to help, but not get in the way.
I'm 24 when I was young I didn't see my parents go to work or drive car I grew up poor so I was fed feeling poor rubbish so as a kid I would sell drinks sweets in school to make money.instead of doing this I should have focused on my studies and grades but emotionally as 11 12 year old feel hopeless odd one out why is my class mates parents work drive do normal stuff and my family disfunctional.growing up my role models were super hero's like Spiderman bat man they do what's right and they don.t give up.they gave me hope in my life I could be more it's sad when look back it is what is u don't chose family or circumstance as child now years later dealing with the emotions sad how childhood went
Yes I'm 24 I'm supposed to be man but I don't feel like it adult because when I was kid I was acting and doing adult things because things I wish my family would help support me with I didn't get so I had go do it myself for so long I feel this feel I rushed childhood I didn't enjoy because I wanted do things go to places I was never aloud so felt like I missed out now at 24 I'm making up for my childhood
I was expected to act like an adult at 5 years old, and am treated now, as a child, at 60. Bizarre(Dad is the problematic parent). I don't live with him!!
😵Nothing more confusing than one's parents coming to them for the advice and wisdom that they are supposed to be giving to the target..........And to add insult to injury they will turn around and parrot the same information back to the target as if they were the ones who offered the advice‼️🤔💭.........Ummmmmmm 🧐Excuse me❓ 🫨And let's talk about being parentified and then witnessing both parents behaving like children trying to weasle out of accountability and undermining authority,.........🤔💭But the parentified target is the same authority that the parents projected onto the child.......💢🧐WTF😡🤬😤❓
I was functioning as a housewife at 13 cooking full meals, cleaning, parenting my siblings. Meanwhile, my friend mom would have a snack ready for her while she prepared dinner.
I was parentified as a teenager and praised when I was helpful to the adults and verbally abused if I made mistakes. Now I isolate a lot but my boundaries are slowly becoming a lot stronger
It sounds like that was difficult and painful for you - and it makes sense that you would learn to not have healthy boundaries. Good for you for doing the work to undo the harm created.
@@juliakristinamah I'm sorry you were expected to be "perfect." Mistakes are inevitable, so that's not the issue. Problems arise when mistakes are not tolerated. I wish you well in your healing journey.
Thanks Julia. Senior Shifter Chris here! This was an interesting video:
Parentification: 5 Key Signs You Were A Parentified Child
This was something I never really thought of. I would love to really look deeper to see if it is something that I want, though, I think I still have to reparent myself on some things. I did grow up in an alcoholic family, but I never really felt like I was ever putting on any responsibilities for other family members or “adult” responsibilities, but I do feel like I still need to work on being responsible for myself in ways that maybe I haven’t been taught.
Here are my notes:
Parentification: The role reversal of child and parent in some kind of significant or recurrent or long-lasting ways.
2 types:
1. Emotional Parentification: When the child becomes the coach, or the counsellor or the confidant to the parent. (When the parent comes to the child)
2. Instrumental Parentification: When a child thinks it is their job to take on the majority of the responsibilities in the home. (Not just taking care of parents but also siblings and to make sure they were safe, household duties, do the bills, feed…etc..not just emotional needs, but adult responsibilities)
*For those who went through parentification probably didn't feel like they could have just let loose and have fun and play with friends or afterschool or be creative.
*If you felt anxious as a child and didn't keep everything together for everyone all the time.
*Only praised or getting attention for being the "good girl" or the "good boy" ("good child" or the "responsible one") If the child was doing things for others or taking on responsibility and that was the only reason (This can lead to people pleasing)
*You didn't trust your parents to be there for you so you learned to rely on yourself. (Your parents weren't there to feed you or take care of your siblings…etc.)
*Hard time trusting people because your parents didn't you may think others won't help you either.
*Going back to instrumental parentification, you felt responsible for everyone's needs, and now as an adult you are a over-functioner. Tend to feel exhausted or isolation.
What to do about this?
*Develop a healthy sense of self. You need to develop a strong, secure relationship with yourself, and you listen and care for yourself. Reparenting yourself with care, love and self-trust. Work on self-compassion.
*"There is nothing wrong with me, I went through things that were wrong."
*Parentification is not okay.
*Working on healing yourself through understanding and compassion. No shaming yourself.
Remember always what worthy and valued people you are.
this is fantastic! thank you Chris.
@@juliakristinamah You're welcome, coach!
@@chrisdigitalartistThank you, Chris!
Omg, this is exactly me. My mom used to tell me she forced herself to stay married with my dad because of me. She sometimes asked me who I wanted to live with if they got divorced. I told her I wanted to live with her. Then she blamed me for agreeing they can get divorced. You can imagine how confused I was as a child.😂 She called me selfish when I told her I needed to take care of myself before I was able to take care of others.
My dad even blamed me for that my younger sister increased his financial burdens. I finally said to him, why do you blame me for my sister spending extra money? I didn't give birth to sister. He never blamed me again for that ever after.
Now I can laugh at those things but it took me decades to ground my self being. I nearly killed myself a few times since I was 7. I do vividly feel the impacts on me in my adulthood. Luckily I managed to ground myself and understand their limits. I'm grateful for them to raise me yet not in an ideal way. And thanks to my experience I learned to be independent and resilient. Now I can be supportive for them while maintaining my distance and boundaries. Knowing what should not to do is equally important as knowing what should do.
This is a crime and cruelty. This is use and abuse. Especialy the emotional parentification is drastic form of abuse.
Most often it continues throughtout life of „child” until such parent finally dies. 😢 thank you for making people aware of this. Everyone knows about sexual abuse being toxic. The other types of parental abuse are ignored and belittled by society. Thank you for validation and education Julia 🙌🙌
It would be so beneficial if these topics are taught in schools. We can learn early on to take charge of our lives.
Good now make it not the standard for parenting when you have multiple kids because everytime I see parents with 4 or 5 kids the two eldest ones are running around taking care of their siblings repremanding their siblings and the moms just shopping two isles over in the pajamas...its aweful
To anyone who were parentified, I am sorry you went through that. I can confidently say you are now free to make your own decisions and to roam freely.
You’re so mature, wise, and humble. I want to be like you😔
One of the shifters, thanks for the video. It resonated with me, especially the instrumental parentification and always feeling this anxiety of having to take care of everything in the house (no fun or play after school) and taking care of my siblings from a young age. It’s hard and lonely always being there for everyone, but not really feeling that anyone can really be there for me. I’ve been struggling quite a lot with listening to myself, acknowledging my own needs and generally just taking care of myself. It feels like having another list of chores to my already long one. It’s quite overwhelming at times. Thanks for reading, it helps to write about it a bit:)
Thanks for sharing this. It sounds like now is the time for YOU! Small shifts - taking more time for joy and play and doing what YOU love. I see you doing the work and things will start to feel different soon.
Very good analysis, Julia. I think you covered most of the bases. One thing that you didn't point out, though, is that when dealing strictly with emotional parentification vs instrumental is the sense of accomplishment and belief in one's ability that an instrumental parentified child can aquire vs that of an emotionally parentified child. With instrumental parentification, you're, IE, shown a mop and a bucket, and aren't given instructions. Somehow, you problem solve and come up with a solution. It may not be the "proper" way to mop, or make a sandwich, or cook, whatever, but you find a way. And that boosts self-esteem, which may be the only positive here, is a can-do, independent attitude. An emotionally parentified child, on the other hand, has a task to solve a problem that even the adults cannot solve, IE, "fix my marriage." This creates low self-esteem because a child can never achieve and therefore becomes self defeated and ego deflated.
Great point here - thanks for sharing this.
@PaulaDuncanAdams 👏👏 you nailed it. 👍👍
This is absolutely correct observation. That is the point my therapist made, when I was at the beginning of learning about the parentyfication and its influence on people. Emotional parentyfication is a curse for a child as it dmanages his/her ability to delevolp any sense of self worth and capacity to acheive anything in life. Such a child becomes a pushover and dormat for the rest of life🥺
@HappyGoLucky Star We can change. It just takes a lot. Best wishes.
Could you talk about high functioning depression?
Emotional parentification is still happening to me. Just blocked my own mother.
Hello Julia, my friend gave me this link to me and I really enjoyed watching your vlog! I was sorta parentified, when my mom told me to watch the food in the oven, and I was upstairs watching cartoons. When my mom came home with my siblings, she scolded me because I almost burned down the house. I was born Deaf and Hard of Hearing, and I am proud of it. Now, I was married to my late husband of 34 yrs....had 3 kids. He was disabled. All of my kids were parentified. Especially my eldest daughter. She had to interpret for me and helping taking care of everything! I realized that much later.....Before my late husband passed away....he depends on my kids and me a lot.....Thank you for listening.
Thank you! I have been working on this.sending ❤ to all.xx
You're welcome. And great for you.
Shift member here, I have been working on this, I thank you for more information
You're so welcome Shifter - so good to have you here (and there :0)
shift society traci here. I ticked all these boxes. thanks for the explaination and validation. I wonder why parentificatoon isn't a character builder with all that responsibility.
It can be Traci - but it also disrupts the normal development of children through play and fun. Responsibilities are good for children, but not having it so unbalanced that they are carrying the burden of the family instead of just helping out.
You have great communication skills, Julia! 💕
Thanks for this video, Julia. This sounds a lot like what I experienced growing up.
Really glad this one connected.
Thank you for this video 💕This basically summarised my childhood. Every point you made I related too deeply and feel I have suffered both types of parentifacation which still effects my outlook on life and personality. I have alot of pain from being taken advantage of from a young age beacuse I am the oldest child and feel I have a long Journey ahead but am taking the firsts steps ❤
Great video! It opens my eyes to things about myself. I can relate to just about everything youve said in it. Thank you Julia!
Glad this one connected - but sorry it was so relevant to your childhood.
@@juliakristinamah thats life! everyone has their own story to tell. it is sad but I need to move on. What matters I think is what I do with it :) . Thank you!
OMGoodness, this is me. every word. I have a genesis point now. Thank you. waitlisting now.
Thank you, Julia Kristina for this great video.
Omgosh! From age 8!!!! Both parents addicts, 2 little bros, new baby was MY responsibility and i onl heard praise for being "the litle mommy"...so broken now...issues with friends, love, life.....I havr moved on from m/d. And now when someone shows me love, even a little, I jump! I am a major ppl pleaser and my insecurity rules my life...funny enough, maybe not...here I am a nurse....I feel so lost....
I just subscribed a few days ago and already new content from you , awesome and thanks!!!
I ended up here after yet another string of texts from my mom detailing an all day argument with my dad, how they’re behind on bills, her emotions, etc. this has been happening in person or over text as long as I can remember and I’m 28 now. I’ve mentioned how much it affects me to her but it never stops. Growing up when I tried to say something she’d say ‘dad doesn’t allow me to have friends so who am I supposed to talk to’. This is only partially true.
If I do give in and give advice she says things like ‘you’re right, you’re so wise, I wish I could be like you, etc’. I hate being told these things as the child and I struggle with my own stuff too but I work at it every day, she tends to just lie down and give up instead.
This text could have been written by myself - 1:1
I'm sorry you had/have to deal with that on hope you're doing better now. Keep growing
@@stefanie9717 thank you, you too. I’m not glad it happens to anybody else but it is somewhat a relief to know other people struggle with this too. Every friend I’ve had, their mother is more traditional/more of a leader so they don’t understand
These same thoughts, problems, etc. developed in me, except it happened because my father died at 35. My mother at 35 also, had the rug pulled out from under her. She was very responsible for everything physical; home, food, safety, but not emotional available. First her personality was not the emotional type; as my father was and I took after him. I felt on my own responsible for our family's happiness now. Or like I had to somehow make her burden less... I could never do this... I am 61 now still struggling with this even though I realized some of this years ago. I just wanted to share this because the same thing can happen even when your parent provides for your physical needs. 21:43
I also wanted to say Julia how much I have related to your videos and how helpful I think you are to me and other people! I love your approach! I like that you keep videos short and to the point! I think it's a great way for the most important points to SINK IN for those who need it. Thank you so much for all you do!! 😊
Shifter Here 🎉
Hi Melynda! So good to have you here... and there ;0)
Shifter April here!❤ New sub!
😀 thanks for the talk! I’m a good boy! Lol
Thank you Julia
Most of the times it is more difficult for people now living with a parentified person to handle similar expectations out of everyone else in the family. It can come across in the form of trying to control the thoughts/behavior of others in the family and getting upset with anything that wasn’t done as per that persons expectations (most of the times the expectations are not even clearly called out). Any advice for people on how to handle/help parentified family member?
i think that is what happened to my niece. she has never seemed like a child.
I live with my daughter and son in law since my husband passed away. Noe the are expecting a baby. I'm always the one who cleans the apartment, cooks dinner, does the dishes, takes care of the pets, trash, vacuum, etc.
My daughter does their laundry only. I feel obligated because I live there and sometimes feel I'm in the way.
My son in law says I'm "too" nice and helpful. It's hard to know when I'm just in the way.
have you had the chance to talk to them and ask them what they're expectations are of you?
@@juliakristinamah I have talked about it with them, but I will continue to keep a low profile and help out when threy need me, Especially when the baby is born. i want to help, but not get in the way.
I'm 24 when I was young I didn't see my parents go to work or drive car I grew up poor so I was fed feeling poor rubbish so as a kid I would sell drinks sweets in school to make money.instead of doing this I should have focused on my studies and grades but emotionally as 11 12 year old feel hopeless odd one out why is my class mates parents work drive do normal stuff and my family disfunctional.growing up my role models were super hero's like Spiderman bat man they do what's right and they don.t give up.they gave me hope in my life I could be more it's sad when look back it is what is u don't chose family or circumstance as child now years later dealing with the emotions sad how childhood went
It's fine.
Yohh parentification😧. Well at least I learned from it
Hello Julia!🎉
Hi Steve! Good to have you here.
@@juliakristinamah of course. Whatever I can do to support the channel. You have been a huge help.
Elena López good day everyone.
Hi Elena - great to have you here.
Yes I'm 24 I'm supposed to be man but I don't feel like it adult because when I was kid I was acting and doing adult things because things I wish my family would help support me with I didn't get so I had go do it myself for so long I feel this feel I rushed childhood I didn't enjoy because I wanted do things go to places I was never aloud so felt like I missed out now at 24 I'm making up for my childhood
Lol turn your overhead lighting down.
I was expected to act like an adult at 5 years old, and am treated now, as a child, at 60. Bizarre(Dad is the problematic parent). I don't live with him!!
😵Nothing more confusing than one's parents coming to them for the advice and wisdom that they are supposed to be giving to the target..........And to add insult to injury they will turn around and parrot the same information back to the target as if they were the ones who offered the advice‼️🤔💭.........Ummmmmmm 🧐Excuse me❓
🫨And let's talk about being parentified and then witnessing both parents behaving like children trying to weasle out of accountability and undermining authority,.........🤔💭But the parentified target is the same authority that the parents projected onto the child.......💢🧐WTF😡🤬😤❓
You're squinting. Lol.
Yohh parentification😧. Well at least I learned from it
You probably did learn a lot of responsibility - that is a silver lining.