@@MorpheusNewsabsolutely Not, if you stay with some one like this there are many factors like financial, starting all over as a single parent, Not being able to afford housing on your own and mental health issues. Saying she enjoys the abuse is disgusted, is that what you say about women who have been Sexually abused? That they enjoyed it. You’re sick
As a child of divorced parents, I was so much happier when they divorced. I finally had some peace. We can sense it’s toxic. Take us out of that situation asap!
Thank you so much for leaving this comment. My marriage just ended and this was my main concern. My oldest is 9 and starting to really see and emulate things. I always come to the comments section in videos like this looking for stories from the kid's perspective.
I’ve heard & seen it with close friends, parents try and stay together but kids aren’t dumb, eats them alive when even they know divorce would be so much better then the living situation currently...
@@korab.23 I was 12 when my parents divorced. I'd been waiting for the day for a long time, I had already accepted it after listening to arguments for years. It was such a relief. Only thing I can say is do not trash talk your ex to your kids. That's the worst part of divorce for kids, having to listen to that
Reall depend on the relationship your parents have, most kids would much rather their parents stay together than divorce and stats show that it’s better for kids to have two parents together than divorced.
As a child of a father who had numerous affairs and a mother who stayed with him no matter what, it's devastating for the children. My brother completely checked out. My sister emulates my father and has broken up several marriages. I'm too scared to have ever committed fully to anyone and, as John said, I feel like I don't deserve to be fully loved. I married an abusive cheater also and was fortunate to get out. Now, I live in a tiny little house away from everyone with just my animals to keep me company. So, Mary, if you're reading this...please get out for the sake of yourself, but even more...for the sake of your children. They don't deserve to grow up believing that it's ok to stay with a cheater.
me too, I grew up seeing women being brought to the house and him bragging about cheating. I 've never being able to have a relationship and dread being married.
So sorry to hear what you went through growing up. I divorced after a 23 year marriage. Put the kids in counselling whilst ex ran took off 4:19 after a woman 20 years younger than himself. Divorced him. Focussed on repairing my family dynamics with our kids. We are all years later, happier than we have ever been minus his BS.
no joke...that's what women like this don't seem to grasp. if you keep letting them off the hook with no consequences, there's no incentive for them to address the behavior. how awful it must be to have such poor self-respect.
@@jcldctt he is absolutely wrong. I never said he was not in the wrong. I said why would he stop she is clearly putting up with it and yes that is 100% her fault!
The words Dr. John said to her to motivate her to leave is EXACTLY what I said to myself to motivate me to leave my husband. I didn’t want my son to think what he was seeing to think it was love, or healthy. Weeks after I left my then husband my son’s stutter went away. Kids no matter how young, sense, see and absorb their atmosphere.
I'm proud of you. Sometimes if we have self esteem issues (I know i do), it's hard to do challenging things for our own well being. But the potential impact on Kids can be the most powerful motivation one could ask for. Wishing you the very best❤
When I was 12 years old, Phil Donahue was on TV and said not to stay together for the sake of the kids. I was pretty old for my years. My Dad wanted a divorce...he was not kind to my Mom. My parents fought like cats and dogs. I told my Mom not to stay together for our sake but she would not let go of him. She ended up getting sick early and her last 20 years were not worth living. My one older brother absorbed it and drank himself to death, my other brother lead a self destructive life and died of AIDS. I often wondered how things might have been if they had divorced. I am now 66 years old and remember it well..
No one needs to be disrespected in this way! Mary, pack your bags, grab your babies, leave that nasty trash behind… you’re starting over again! You got this! 🙌🏽
Hi Mary! We ladies love 💕 you! Men's may hurt us but through it all we will get smarter and stronger 💪 the older we get the better we will become. We or sweet and to good for men's that we marry and then sleep with other women's. I never been married and I see so many marry couples cheating o there partner. God has to heal a person before they take that big step in marriage .That is why he want us to wait and let him work on us. But some people's got to have it now and that is when the problems come. God can take a long time and some people's can't wait.. we can get the wrong mate but if we take our time to heal then God will work on the two . God bless you Mary. Hope you let God in your relationship. Sometime I just watch men's more closely since I have been hurt so many times by them. They will come do prepare your self and stand back and watch how they treat you around other women's. Do not say a word just play it cool and watch them. After you study them for a long time you will soon find out if they just want sex from you. And a lot of them will 💔 your heart in pieces and go the next one after they get what they want.They have a strong influence over some women's and we think they care when they don't . They are heart breakers and am being careful for now on when they come. No sexs so bye bye.Gone to the next one hope she is ready to fight and not let them use you. Wake up ladies they or coming . Are y'all ready. Save your body for marriage.
O heLL No !! HE can pack HIS bags and leave...why should she uproot herself and the kids ? He's the one that chose to break vows, he can hit the road (and kick rocks too )
@@BossItUp911 She doesnt need anyone to leave for, but she sure as hell doesn't need to stay to have her self respect trashed every time he lays down with someone else
A good man is a good man. Ageing men have histories and life lived too...baggage, divorces, and children from prior relationships. She'll be fine. The right person will accept her and love her.
My dad was a serial cheater and naturally blamed my mom. When they finally divorced, while my mom had to adjust, us kids were 1000 times better off. Your kids will be fine but so much better off.
They always blame the wife and now with everything spread over media women are just stupid to believe a married man who blames his wife yeah it doesn't divorce her. Even from a young age I never wanted a man who was married or had a girlfriend. If he tried hitting on me I would just be full of disgust and disrespect. Why on Earth would I want somebody like that
@@soullessnight6539 I know right. I think coward would be an upgrade of how despicable I think they are LOL my stories begin in the early seventies. Terry really wasn't any help for women. So years later what I found out was my husband was the textbook example of an abusive husband. Starting out with emotional and verbal abuse. It was so gradual you don't pick up on it at first. After a year and a half I started having paranoid panic attacks, although I didn't know what that was. What was chilling was one day cleaning underneath the cushions of my couch and I found a magazine for men and the cover said how to drive your wife crazy. Such as move things to a different place, say you said things you didn't say etcetera. I cried when I sat down and read that magazine it was everything that had been happening to me. I got an education and I left with my children. Over the next 40 years I learn to totally despise men. I became disgusted but mostly I found out what it feels like to totally have no respect for men. Finding out even though who seemed good on the outside on the inside they're all the same and it is revolting. How ironic that men were made bigger and stronger to protect women and children when they turn out to be the ones we need protection from!
@@soullessnight6539 I would work a snack bar for 3 years at an AA club and on Saturday nights we would have dances. I was working and there was a pretty blonde girl out there. So a male friend came up to me and told me my fiance said to the guy next to him I've already "did her" 10 times in my head. That's what I mean about being around men a lot and they would forget I was there and say whatever popped into their head. Again the male ego is truly an extraordinary thing!!! I had four daughters, left my husband when I was 23 and never moved in or let a man move in with me until they were grown and out of the house. No way in hell would I have taken that risk with my girls. Most of them are cowards lol some hide it better. That's why the cheat on you instead of breaking off with you.
One of the things that's driving him onward is the fact that he's convinced himself that his wife will never leave him. He thinks on some level his behavior is acceptable because she's always willing to put up with it.
That's one of the things that's most despicable about a cheater. They don't even care about the intimate HEALTH of their spouse that could result from their constant cheating.
Why are the women and children always asked to leave? He has to leave. Call the locksmith and let him put in new looks, book a hotel room for your husband and have someone in your family drop his clothe at the hotel. You and the children have the right to stay home.
Unfortunately she would have to get a court order to do that, which requires proof that she or the children are in danger. She needs to move out for her own safety and file for divorce. It will be dangerous for her because cheaters feel entitled to a harem and will rage if he sees that she’s leaving for good.
Leave. I kept forgiving. Believing him he wouldn't do it again.. 27 years and at least 12 affairs he had later he left me for my friend. This is a problem with your husband, not you. It will never end. Trust me.
@@FourSeasons04 my former father in law cheated on his wife repeatedly.. first a coworker, they renewed their vows. The coworker again. His own brother’s girlfriend, then his wife’s prayer partner that she was confiding in. He divorced my mother in law and married this lady. You have to leave the first time they will do it again. Because they are cowards and they want out. But they won’t file so they cheat to get you to leave. My ex husband did the same I left the minute I found out. Found out later it was several women.
@@FourSeasons04 I had 4 little ones before I realized this was a chronic problem. I had left once for almost a year, but he begged and said he was a changed man. We had several counselors along the way, I always believed him when he said he wouldn't do it again. I didn't have enough belief and self worth in myself. But I do now.
I lived like her for 25 years, there is a better life out there, I had no family, no money, no job, but I made it, I have now been retired for 5 years and live a peaceful life ( without a man😘)
@@MrKrushgutz Agreed, but I don't see how this caller can continue with a husband who clearly doesn't respect his own children enough not to cheat on his wife.
Mary, this is a great opportunity to show your kids and your husband and everyone including yourself how strong you are and how much grace you can have in a tough situation. It starts with believing in yourself and focusing on what overcoming and pulling through looks like. And you can do it all with peace and calm in your heart and someone who deserves you will see that strength and want to be a better person. We believe in you and you and your kids deserve better. Show your kids, your husband, and yourself how you deserve to be treated and that lying and deception will not get you far in life.
My father was a serial cheater. My mother stayed because she had no support. Always wonder what life would have been like had she left. I'm in my 40's and prefer to be single without relationship drama. Nice to exhale in my personal space🥰
@@GUITARTIME2024 I would disagree, because a miserable marriage scars the kids too. I have made bad relationship choices because my folks didn't show what a healthy relationship looked like.
@@GUITARTIME2024 that's a pretty low bar. Treating your kids decently is an expectation, it doesn't give you a pass to cheat and disrespect your spouse.
If I had known how good it would feel to walk into my house after the divorce I would have done it sooner. The stress of a bad relationship is on you like a weight Mary. Just set it down. It’s time.
Yep I remember when I was leaving an abusive relationship we were back and forth a few times. I told a friend of mine who was older that I was done she said you’re not, not yet but you will be. She was so right. When that shift happened in me I was done and never looked back
Girl he forced you to stop getting help for your mental health, your well-being. He doesn’t want you to be stronger mentally, he wants you to be easily manipulated. He doesn’t want his tricks being exposed.
I so feel for her because I was her once. I was her for 6 years of my life. I was cheated on by this individual so many times, it was probably an ongoing joke among his stupid friends. I finally left because I ended up pregnant, but the strange thing was, my son gave me the strength to leave him. I swore to my beautiful baby boy at the hospital when I had him, I held him and I told him I was never going to allow his biological father to hurt me or him ever again. I promised my baby I would give him a stable home and a happy life. I swore to him his biological father had one last chance and if he didn't change, then I was going to leave. My son was 3 months old when I caught this person cheating on me again. So I packed up our stuff (mine and my baby's) and asked my mom to please come get me, I was leaving and I was done. Not gonna lie, I was crying, I was so sad and I was so scared. But my mom, my family, my friends were there by my side and eventually I got back on my feet. I got a job, I got my own place, I went back to school, got my college degree, met this wonderful man in the process, we got married and he adopted my son and life has never been better. I honestly can't believe my life sometimes. How did I go from such a terrible individual, to my husband? This stupid individual couldn't even step it up and make the effort to be a father to my son. Even when I made it so easy for him. Anyway, women like Mary, like I once was don't realize that we deserve better. We need to work on ourselves because it wasn't untill I was alone, with my son next to me of course, that I needed to change. I went through all sorts of hard times, but I was happy knowing that all I needed was to work on myself, focus on being the best mother I could be for my son. Mary, if I did it, you can too. It's scary and it's going to be hard, but it's definitely worth it. You are worth it, your kids are worth it. You can do it, I believe in you.
I know I'm a year late, but I have to tell you how awesome you are. You're strong and inspiring. Your son is lucky to have you and the wonderful father he now has. Good for you! Congratulations on your accomplishments.
correct!!! 90+% of the time they don't change...especially if they are a repeat offender. we had a good friend with a spouse like this...she stayed through him cheating numerous times and even trying to leave her...he's still doing it and has to reason to stop.
Of the many Dr. Deloney podcasts, this one brought me to my knees in tears. Dr. D, you navigated the most painful and heartbreaking situation with Mary so beautifully and with great compassion. This was hard to listen to; we need truth-tellers like you.
Be extra careful and don’t get pregnant right now Mary. This will be hard, but you can and must get out. Think big, dream big, be brave. You can do this. You deserve peace.
He knows she won’t do anything. That is why he still carries on the affair even though he knows she can see on the app where he is going. He’s brazen and doesn’t care. Mary, you sound like a sweet woman and deserve better.
You will do more damage to those precious children by staying with someone like him, than you would by them being raised in 2 homes. You are worth it. Your children are worth it. ❤
The ones who say "JUST LEAVE", have never been IN the cycle of abuse! It's not that easy!!!! Mary, sweetie, read and learn about how to regain your self worth. He has torn it DOWN to nothing. 😔😔😔 YOU are worth not being in this situation. Your kids are too! ♥️💕
Exactly wrong. Those of us who say “just leave” HAVE been through and we know that the longer you stay, the more damage is done. Mary needs to JUST LEAVE and pick up the pieces later. It won’t get “easier” until she does.
Please shut up. It’s as easy as you choose to make it. Y’all just want to hold onto the illusion so badly. Like that other commenter said, it may not be easy but it is that simple it starts with a decision and where there’s a will, there’s a way. A lot of women don’t have will power to leave any man cause they’re so scared of being alone and it’s sad.
I agree with you OP, but I also agree with the comments saying it is that easy to just leave.. I’m still in a messed up relationship.. but as someone who was addicted to a substance before, after I finally quit for good I realized that entire time it was always that simple to just STOP. It became simple once I wanted sobriety more than the drug. It will be that simple for me once I want peace more than this man I’m with.
I don’t understand why someone gets married if they are going to constantly cheat. It’s so unfair to the other person; they have the right to have someone who is faithful. You waste someone else’s time.
How would she have known otherwise? I think if you have nothing to hide l, It shouldn't matter. Obviously it matters. Would you like to know if you are cheated on? Or would you rather remain a fool?
Dr. Deloney, thank you for the wonderful and kind words you said to this woman. Your sincerity and words of affirmation reached out even to me and brought me to tears. You are good at what you do, what a contribution to life you are, simply… thank you.
You give an ultimatum you follow through with it, period. It will be hard to slap him upside head with those papers but the feeling of freedom to be you is so worth it! And your kids…. They are just gonna grow up thinking that’s ok. Run for your life and those kids.
@@TheAgentmigs what I meant is you can’t “try” an ultimatum. You have to follow through with the threat. Technically it’s not an ultimatum if you don’t. 😂
Mary, I was in a VERY similar situation to you, but I am the husband and also dealt with physical, verbal and other mental abuse ..... for YEARS, just like you. I 'thought I was staying for the kids (grown now they consider me to have done the roles of Dad AND Mom) but if I could go back and do it over I would have left MUCH earlier. As to Dr. John's comment about 'people waiting to help you move', I had almost that exact experience - I knew certain members of the family and some friends wanted more for me. I had no idea HOW many. No one, other than her, said I shouldn't go. Noone. I was in a little shock looking back. Friends we have known for 30+ years were happy for me and asked why it took so long. I told them they should have taken me aside years ago and put some sense into me :-) Mary, it is time. Beyond time, to end things. It IS hard, VERY hard. What helped me finally go was when even my Pastor said it was time. You will flourish, I can here it in your voice, your kids will flourish by seeing you having a 'normal life' and modeling THAT for them. I will be praying for you.
I was married 18 years. Gaslighting manipulation abuse all forgiven because he was bipolar. Thought better or worse. Worse doesn’t mean lose yourself and take it when he did what he want and excuses all the time. People are waiting. When I showed up on my parents doorstep with four kids I thought they were going to have a party. They came to every lawyer apptment every court appointment. It was helpful as they stayed clear headed and the emotions I had clouded and caused me to miss things being said. The love and support and generosity to keep me safe and get me on my feet was way more than I ever thought. Lean on your church community and your friends too. They got your back even when they had a relationship with my ex. They knew what needed to be done. It’s funny how my ex secluded me made me think I was crazy. Isolated me from friends and cause me to think if I said anything people wouldn’t believe me. The funny part is they knew they saw it they knew before I did.
I saw that growing up. Cheaters and their spouses, the fallout of affairs, divorce that should have happened but never did, and on the flip side, serial monogamy. But, no one ever saw their behavior as dysfunctional.
When she said that her husband tells her, “That’s not how you feel, this is really how you feel…” It took my right back to when my son’s dad used to tell me, “Those aren’t your thoughts, those are someone else’s thoughts that are putting stuff into your head.” Let me tell you, I know how this lady feels….. she feels like her brain is split in two, and she can no longer trust herself or her own thoughts. That’s what a gas lighter does. When I left my son’s dad, I told my counselor it felt like my brain was split in two, and I had to actively work to gain my sanity back. If you’re reading this caller….. I want you to know you are not crazy, and how you think and feel is real, and it’s the truth. My son’s dad was recently charged with online solicitation of minors, and I felt that the entire time we were together, but eh called me crazy. Your husband is doing the same to you. You aren’t a bad mother for leaving. It’s ok to leave. You are strong a courageous and intelligent. Take that leap. ♥️
Mary I had the exact same thing done to me for two years. He lied and gaslit me constantly. Telling me I was crazy, reading too much into things etc…I knew the truth. I left with my 9 month old and never looked back. Five years later he texted me an apology. He admitted to it all. I am now thriving but it was a hard few years following. You will find new love and you deserve so much more than this guy. He’s sick and not a good person.
@@melindawhite347 Thank you for letting me know Melinda! Remember the more you practice your boundaries the MORE YOU WILL PLEASE YOURSELF!!! GO MELINDA GO 😊 🏆🏆🏆!!!
If he “can’t stop” cheating, he doesn’t want a wife. He’s not mature enough to handle that responsibility. I think Deloney hit the nail on the head when he said this caller is terrified - to face the responsibilities of raising these kids alone.
Which is totally understandable for anyone who’d rather their family stay together. Duh. She can go and regain her sense of self, the strength in her that attracted a guy like this, who doesn’t have any of his own - Or she can stay and adjust her expectations. If she stays to keep her kids in an intact family unit, we get that. Better to fund her own kids’ futures than the lawyers’ kids’ college tuition. We get that. Will he provide that? Can he provide for these kids? Is he both willing and capable? Is he doing that? Ok then, she needs to expect that he do this girl and that girl and protect herself. Is she willing to wear condoms and get tested every time she has sex with her husband? Is she willing to keep the “love and honor” part out of the vows? Can she stand 18 more years of his foolishness? Of this humiliation and degradation? If not, the choice is hers. This louse has shown her who he is - and isn’t willing to be for her. Is she willing to take care of herself and her family in ways he either can’t or won’t? Because either way, he’s incapable or he’s unwilling but either way her needs of safety will not be met in this relationship. And that will cause patterns of instability and insanity for her kids. She can rely on that as a fact. Because they’re not being. Ever. At all. And especially with kids on the mix you gotta hold a man to a higher standard. You gotta. Your kids deserve that stability and need that - require it even if you don’t think you do. Every momma needs that for her kids at least. She knows. This is insanity - doing the same thing expecting different results. Nope. Good luck with that destructive pattern of instability and crazy-making. Is the hell out there worse than the one you’re already living? I dunno but only one way to find out of it could be better. I hope it can be either way for you and those kids. I pray that for you. I really do. I ask the Lord now to help guide you with the Wisdom Elijah and Elisha, with grace, compassion, and love - especially for yourself, Momma. Stop bending over backwards and contorting yourself for somebody not even willing to give you the truth. He’s not with it. He’ll only change when you do. Go forward, not back. Best of luck to you.
Dr. John is great at what he does. He always knows when people are leaving things out and how to get the whole story out of people so that he can really help them make the best decisions!!!!!!!
In a situation like this. Take a month or two to plan your escape. See a lawyer and start a plan. Talk to family to see what support you'll have. Do not listen to your husband about what is fair when it comes to your settlement. He will be remarried in a year or two. You may not because you'll have healing to do. If you're married over 10 years he has to give you alimony. He has to pay child support. Talk to someone who has been through this. Listen to their advise. Do not bash the father in front of the kids but don't cover for him. State truth only in short sentences that are appropriate to their age. You will mourn. Do not grab first guy who comes along. Take care you deserve happiness
the benefits of free labor...someone at home doing all of the legwork, raising the kids, etc.. and most especially if they know they can get away with cheating...aka a multiple offender like this guy...who's never been met with any consequences.
Benefits of having a family life... they dont feel alone, they have someone who does everything around the house, the positive image of a family man... and the rush from the side piece. Selfish people
they want someone to have their kids, raise their kids, clean their clothes, clean their home, make their meals etc but don’t want to provide loyalty to that person that they promised loyalty to. they just want to reap the benefits
I can relate to Mary, giving everything, and waiting for the change. I know what it feels like to feel disconnected from myself, and to feel like you’re crazy because of all the lies. He’s the ultimate manipulator and gaslighter. I have 3 kids, I stayed 14 years, it is such a weight off your shoulders and not feeling like a shell of myself. Mary, it’s hard, it’s hard to be alone, but I am a better person and mom without that paranoia and feeling consumed by the constant worry. It’s a terrible terrible way to live.
Listen to her words" this is the 4th affair we have had since we married". WE uh no ! He has had 4 affairs since saying I do ! And, she is worth way more than he is treating her - God bless her
Mary I wept for you! I relate. You took me back to that time, 8 years with a cheating gaslighter myself. I also was scared to leave because our daughter. I hope and pray for you to find the strength to leave.Too many years of our youth wasted. I promise you Mary in time you will find happiness. You deserve it!! You first have to heal. I still do therapy to this day, 6 years later and I want you to know it may take a lot of different therapies because while your in this type of toxic relationship you’re unaware of how traumatic this is and effects you. But I am winning today! You will too! There are good men out there who will love you and your children as their own but first you must heal from the years of this abuse.
She is so precious, I hope she had the strength to leave and follow through after this call. As bad as it hurts to know he's with someone else, it'll probably hurt worse once they're separated because he will openly be with women and bring their kids around these women, but it has to happen. It's part of the process of moving forward with her life.
I wish I had had someone like Dr. John to speak the brutal truth to me when I was married to my late husband. I believe my life would have been entirely different/better.
I’m so glad after I found out my ex was cheating he decided to leave and divorced me because I would have never had the courage to leave and this call could have been me.. Stay strong Mary you deserve the love you are giving out. Be an example to your kids, the sting and the pain will fade away
Usually we ladies stay using the kids as the reason. The thing is we haven’t prepared ourselves financially to provide for those kids on their own if something happens. So we stay
@@ineedhoez It isn't laziness for everyone. I went through this and chose to leave and be a single Mom of one child. I had a college degree and had been a public school teacher before having my son. At the time of my divorce every school system was laying off teachers or only hiring ones with multiple certification areas. I had to go back to school to get an additional certification while I was working and being a single Mom. I was terrified that I would not be able to get a good enough job to support myself (and pay my huge attorney's fees) for quite some time, at least not geographically close enough to my ex. If I wanted to relocate so far away for a job it that might have set off a custody battle. I really didn't want to be seen by my child as being the parent who forced his father out of the picture. This does happen where the kids begin to romanticize to other/missing parent since they don't live with them- the kids often do not get to see their bad side. Then they blame their custodial parent for the alienation. And I never really liked being a teacher at least in the public schools. I stayed in my teaching job for 7 years to allow my ex to go to law school and then channel a large portion of his earnings into building his practice, buying a building, buying computers, hiring paralegals etc.
Perhaps I’m old school or perhaps it’s something else… but I firmly believe 1 occasion of infidelity is enough to end the marriage and walk away forever. No forgiveness, no working it out, no explanation. Just go to the lawyer and sign those divorce papers
I tend to agree. How ever iv e learned nearly half of marriages contain infidelity of some kind. This case is ridiculous as he really doesn't respect her. But I'm sure some folk can rebuild stronger if they honestly want to.
Mary you are stronger than you know and you are about to find out. You are strong, show those kids how strong you are!! You deserve much better, hugs to you.
What? Then how do you call domestic violence. I mean actual violence. Let's not change word meanings. Cheating is a great word. Already comes with all it needs.
Look at the wheel of power and control. It hits every quadrant - physical (stds) financial ( secret spending, possible financial infidelity) emotional and psychological. It's a hill I'm willing to die on.
Cheaters prey on our wish that things can return to before. Our sunk cost fallacy. We think about all the effort we put in and the happy times we had and want it back and sometimes it's hard to accept that it never can be. It feeds their narcissism to think they're irreplaceable in our lives which is another benefit to being forgiven. We get nothing and they get everything.
The minute I found out my kids father was cheating on me I left him. No second chances, no working out anything. I just grabbed my kids and left. Mary needs to leave that cheater now! Yes, it hurts but you get over it just think about your kids that’s what will keep you going.
Ooh Mary… this was so heartbreaking. We can all hear your pain. I’m sorry this has been happening and I hope by now you’ve found strength and peace. Hugs from Malia in Hawaii ❤
I understand your situation because I’m dealing with the same ,I left a week ago and is the hardest thing that I ever did it’s take everything on you to walk away but we deserve better I don’t have babies my kids are adults but hurt to left behind 27 years of you life with this person.I’m in the same boat and we going to be ok ,it take courage ,time and determination to do it,is hard but not impossible is enough we deserve to be happy
Dear Mary- when I heard your story it sounds like my own. My husband of 17 years has now cheated 4 times. We have 3 children, I need and want to leave but I too feel stuck. Not because I don’t think I’m worth it, it’s because I’m scared to be on my own- I got married to be married. I thought he did too. I know that life isn’t fair but this feels very unfair. I’m so disappointed. I feel like I’ve failed my children because I picked a man who would rather cheat than be whole and loving towards us as much as I try. I should have left when it first happened but our sons were young and I just knew we would work it out. My family and his would have not given peace if we divorced. Even if he cheated, o one wanted me to leave. Even after this time, when he had a pregnancy scare with the most current other woman, family still don’t want me to leave. I have to and it’s so hard! I’m praying for you and your children to get through this. My husband doesn’t promise to change. Since it came out before our parents, he no longer feels obligated to act like it will work, now he’s “red pilled” if I had a chance of this working, the family should not have found out. All he could say is, I bet you liked the “blue pill” life better- that’s when he pretended to work on weekends and spent time with her and the priors. GOD let it come out, I have to move on. I hope you will too. Praying for the best for you and your family, Mary.
Don't be afraid to be on your own with your children, it will be hard but you will be at peace and your children will always love you, women go through this every day and come out of it stronger, its better to be on your own than to live with a man and be just as lonely and miserable ❤
@@debsday5445 oh wow, I just looked back on this post from a year ago. So much has changed and for the better. I started working full time again, focused on myself and kids, set boundaries regarding what I will tolerate and became stronger. He has since apologized for the pain he caused, he picked up extra work to cover all of the bills so that I can use my money towards bettering the home, scheduling fun things for myself and kids and have a savings. We communicate better with each other now, I feel more secure, I “leveled up” my looks- not to attract others but to feel better about myself (new hair do, wardrobe upgrades, lost 38 pounds). I respect myself more and he respects me more. If he didn’t respect me more, it wouldn’t matter because what I went through was supposed to propel me to the next level. Most importantly, our kids are and can tell we’re getting along much better.
This isn’t the fourth affair, this is the fourth affair she’s found out about
She said it was the fourth in the marriage. I wonder how many he had while they were dating/engaged?
correct...took the words right out of my mouth...would not be shocked if there are far more...usually are!
@@MorpheusNews she literally said she stayed because of the children but yeah, let's make stuff up. Incels, man...🤡
@@MorpheusNewsabsolutely Not, if you stay with some one like this there are many factors like financial, starting all over as a single parent, Not being able to afford housing on your own and mental health issues. Saying she enjoys the abuse is disgusted, is that what you say about women who have been Sexually abused? That they enjoyed it. You’re sick
@@elettramia6380Sorry. You are wrong
Best quote ever - "I would rather adjust my life to their absence than adjust my boundaries to their disrespect"
Thanks for sharing
Great quote! Hope I can remember this! Need to write it down.
@@ebriggs3498 you can screenshot it too. That's how I save good quotes these days ✌️😊
Mary, you're worth more than someone who constantly disrespects you.
And endangers her life with STDs
@@SarahR2D2 And her future children’s lives
How are you able to make this determination? Do you know either of the parties personally?
@@LewisBeckman Are you her disgruntled ex? Get a life.
A woman who allows this is not a strong woman, poor kids to have a couple loser parents
As a child of divorced parents, I was so much happier when they divorced. I finally had some peace. We can sense it’s toxic. Take us out of that situation asap!
Thank you so much for leaving this comment. My marriage just ended and this was my main concern. My oldest is 9 and starting to really see and emulate things. I always come to the comments section in videos like this looking for stories from the kid's perspective.
I’ve heard & seen it with close friends, parents try and stay together but kids aren’t dumb, eats them alive when even they know divorce would be so much better then the living situation currently...
Agree
@@korab.23 I was 12 when my parents divorced. I'd been waiting for the day for a long time, I had already accepted it after listening to arguments for years. It was such a relief.
Only thing I can say is do not trash talk your ex to your kids. That's the worst part of divorce for kids, having to listen to that
Reall depend on the relationship your parents have, most kids would much rather their parents stay together than divorce and stats show that it’s better for kids to have two parents together than divorced.
If he can't respect you, at least you can respect yourself enough to leave. It's over.
But she hasn't left yet lol
She’s just as bad as him at this point .
As a child of a father who had numerous affairs and a mother who stayed with him no matter what, it's devastating for the children. My brother completely checked out. My sister emulates my father and has broken up several marriages. I'm too scared to have ever committed fully to anyone and, as John said, I feel like I don't deserve to be fully loved. I married an abusive cheater also and was fortunate to get out. Now, I live in a tiny little house away from everyone with just my animals to keep me company. So, Mary, if you're reading this...please get out for the sake of yourself, but even more...for the sake of your children. They don't deserve to grow up believing that it's ok to stay with a cheater.
me too, I grew up seeing women being brought to the house and him bragging about cheating. I 've never being able to have a relationship and dread being married.
Yep
So sorry to hear what you went through growing up. I divorced after a 23 year marriage. Put the kids in counselling whilst ex ran took off 4:19 after a woman 20 years younger than himself. Divorced him. Focussed on repairing my family dynamics with our kids. We are all years later, happier than we have ever been minus his BS.
A tiny little house on your own with your animals? Sounds like heaven on earth.
Animals, and a house? Wow... sounds heavenly
He got mad that she was in therapy. That's such a big red flag.
Yep, he doesn't think he's the problem.
Why would he stop? There's no consequences!
Bingo
no joke...that's what women like this don't seem to grasp. if you keep letting them off the hook with no consequences, there's no incentive for them to address the behavior. how awful it must be to have such poor self-respect.
@@jcldctt he is absolutely wrong. I never said he was not in the wrong. I said why would he stop she is clearly putting up with it and yes that is 100% her fault!
@@jcldctt and if somebody punches you in the face 4 times yes that's still your fault
True.
Sounds like the marriage should have been over after THE FIRST AFFAIR!!!!
Facts
Marriage is difficult. 1 affair we might can get past after that bags are being packed.
Every person I know that takes about the cheater…. They cheat again with someone else
Okkkkurrrrr
But she's a doormat so she keeps staying. She'll be there even at his 30th affair 🙄
The words Dr. John said to her to motivate her to leave is EXACTLY what I said to myself to motivate me to leave my husband.
I didn’t want my son to think what he was seeing to think it was love, or healthy.
Weeks after I left my then husband my son’s stutter went away.
Kids no matter how young, sense, see and absorb their atmosphere.
Wow ❤
I'm proud of you. Sometimes if we have self esteem issues (I know i do), it's hard to do challenging things for our own well being. But the potential impact on Kids can be the most powerful motivation one could ask for.
Wishing you the very best❤
Damn.
@@miss_whipps
Thank you 🙏
Best wishes to you too💐
When I was 12 years old, Phil Donahue was on TV and said not to stay together for the sake of the kids. I was pretty old for my years. My Dad wanted a divorce...he was not kind to my Mom. My parents fought like cats and dogs. I told my Mom not to stay together for our sake but she would not let go of him. She ended up getting sick early and her last 20 years were not worth living. My one older brother absorbed it and drank himself to death, my other brother lead a self destructive life and died of AIDS. I often wondered how things might have been if they had divorced. I am now 66 years old and remember it well..
Yeah women back in the day women just stuck thru the abuse which ruined thier health and made them die early
I am so sorry you went through that.
@@n.t.495 Thank you ...I appreciate your kindness.
@@YouShineHoneyBear Thank you. You're so kind.
wow...this is what everyone needs to read!!! i'm so sorry.. i grew up in a very toxic home as well.
Mary, you’re not the problem, he’s the problem! You & your children deserve PEACE, LOVE & HAPPINESS!
At this point she is the problem for not taking action after 4 times ...
She’s not the PROBLEM, HE & HIS SICK BEHAVIOR ARE THE PROBLEM!
@@peterjanis2455 Yup...
Yes she is the problem. She's using her children as an excuse to stay. That's emotionally abusive towards the children.
@@ikrz7377 she is enabling the behaviour by staying. She is telling him through her actions that its not a big deal
No one needs to be disrespected in this way! Mary, pack your bags, grab your babies, leave that nasty trash behind… you’re starting over again! You got this! 🙌🏽
Hi Mary! We ladies love 💕 you! Men's may hurt us but through it all we will get smarter and stronger 💪 the older we get the better we will become. We or sweet and to good for men's that we marry and then sleep with other women's. I never been married and I see so many marry couples cheating o there partner. God has to heal a person before they take that big step in marriage .That is why he want us to wait and let him work on us. But some people's got to have it now and that is when the problems come. God can take a long time and some people's can't wait.. we can get the wrong mate but if we take our time to heal then God will work on the two . God bless you Mary. Hope you let God in your relationship. Sometime I just watch men's more closely since I have been hurt so many times by them. They will come do prepare your self and stand back and watch how they treat you around other women's. Do not say a word just play it cool and watch them. After you study them for a long time you will soon find out if they just want sex from you. And a lot of them will 💔 your heart in pieces and go the next one after they get what they want.They have a strong influence over some women's and we think they care when they don't . They are heart breakers and am being careful for now on when they come. No sexs so bye bye.Gone to the next one hope she is ready to fight and not let them use you. Wake up ladies they or coming . Are y'all ready. Save your body for marriage.
Unfortunately at this point she may be trauma bonded
People say..."just leave him"....but extreme poverty also takes its toll. Really no perfect answer.
He will pack his bags and leave.
O heLL No !! HE can pack HIS bags and leave...why should she uproot herself and the kids ? He's the one that chose to break vows, he can hit the road (and kick rocks too )
Hold your head high when you leave, love. There's not one decent human being who hears this story and blames you. We're cheering you on!
There's nowhere to leave to. Who is knocking themselves over to get an emotionally damaged aging female with baggage?
@@BossItUp911 She doesnt need anyone to leave for, but she sure as hell doesn't need to stay to have her self respect trashed every time he lays down with someone else
@Amanda Ross "making a necessity a virtue"
A good man is a good man. Ageing men have histories and life lived too...baggage, divorces, and children from prior relationships. She'll be fine. The right person will accept her and love her.
@@BossItUp911 u lame lil bro
My dad was a serial cheater and naturally blamed my mom. When they finally divorced, while my mom had to adjust, us kids were 1000 times better off. Your kids will be fine but so much better off.
They always blame the wife and now with everything spread over media women are just stupid to believe a married man who blames his wife yeah it doesn't divorce her. Even from a young age I never wanted a man who was married or had a girlfriend. If he tried hitting on me I would just be full of disgust and disrespect. Why on Earth would I want somebody like that
@@pamelameadows9717just look at all the comments blaming the wife. Men! Actually, no man would blame the victim, only cowards would.
@@soullessnight6539 I know right. I think coward would be an upgrade of how despicable I think they are LOL my stories begin in the early seventies. Terry really wasn't any help for women. So years later what I found out was my husband was the textbook example of an abusive husband. Starting out with emotional and verbal abuse. It was so gradual you don't pick up on it at first. After a year and a half I started having paranoid panic attacks, although I didn't know what that was. What was chilling was one day cleaning underneath the cushions of my couch and I found a magazine for men and the cover said how to drive your wife crazy. Such as move things to a different place, say you said things you didn't say etcetera. I cried when I sat down and read that magazine it was everything that had been happening to me. I got an education and I left with my children. Over the next 40 years I learn to totally despise men. I became disgusted but mostly I found out what it feels like to totally have no respect for men. Finding out even though who seemed good on the outside on the inside they're all the same and it is revolting. How ironic that men were made bigger and stronger to protect women and children when they turn out to be the ones we need protection from!
@@soullessnight6539 I would work a snack bar for 3 years at an AA club and on Saturday nights we would have dances. I was working and there was a pretty blonde girl out there. So a male friend came up to me and told me my fiance said to the guy next to him I've already "did her" 10 times in my head. That's what I mean about being around men a lot and they would forget I was there and say whatever popped into their head. Again the male ego is truly an extraordinary thing!!! I had four daughters, left my husband when I was 23 and never moved in or let a man move in with me until they were grown and out of the house. No way in hell would I have taken that risk with my girls. Most of them are cowards lol some hide it better. That's why the cheat on you instead of breaking off with you.
Exactly instant turn off!! And people are saying the other woman is blameless. Tuh!!
When it comes to the three A’s (Adultry, Abuse, Addiction) i have a one-and-done rule
I'm adopting that!
Same. Was clear with my husband before we got married, that I will not reconcile over any of those three.
sounds easy but what do you do when a spouse gets addicted to the pills her doctor prescribed after surgery? One & done?
Needed To Be Said this happened to my mom. It completely Changed her for years. My parents almost didn’t get through it, but they did!
I agree with the first two, but you would just abandon your partner if they got addicted to something? You wouldn't try to help them first?
One of the things that's driving him onward is the fact that he's convinced himself that his wife will never leave him. He thinks on some level his behavior is acceptable because she's always willing to put up with it.
Right exactly!!
Respect yourself enough to leave.
It's his FOURTH affair, absolutely not! It's four that she knows about. It's wayyyyy more.
That's one of the things that's most despicable about a cheater. They don't even care about the intimate HEALTH of their spouse that could result from their constant cheating.
Why are the women and children always asked to leave? He has to leave. Call the locksmith and let him put in new looks, book a hotel room for your husband and have someone in your family drop his clothe at the hotel. You and the children have the right to stay home.
She needs to leave the relationship. Not the house.
Hahahaha bitter
Unfortunately she would have to get a court order to do that, which requires proof that she or the children are in danger. She needs to move out for her own safety and file for divorce. It will be dangerous for her because cheaters feel entitled to a harem and will rage if he sees that she’s leaving for good.
Don't book him a motel just chuck hid stuff out door change locks .
I like how he suggested to move his stuff to the neighbor he’s cheating on her with’s lawn. Change the locks.
Leave. I kept forgiving. Believing him he wouldn't do it again.. 27 years and at least 12 affairs he had later he left me for my friend. This is a problem with your husband, not you. It will never end. Trust me.
I’m sorry you had to go through that.
@@RoRo-gm7ee she didn’t. She chose this. These people SHOW YOU who they are and we keep on ignoring it
Yikes! Just curious, why did you wait for him to leave you? Was there any time when you believed you deserved better?
@@FourSeasons04 my former father in law cheated on his wife repeatedly.. first a coworker, they renewed their vows. The coworker again. His own brother’s girlfriend, then his wife’s prayer partner that she was confiding in. He divorced my mother in law and married this lady. You have to leave the first time they will do it again. Because they are cowards and they want out. But they won’t file so they cheat to get you to leave. My ex husband did the same I left the minute I found out. Found out later it was several women.
@@FourSeasons04 I had 4 little ones before I realized this was a chronic problem. I had left once for almost a year, but he begged and said he was a changed man. We had several counselors along the way, I always believed him when he said he wouldn't do it again. I didn't have enough belief and self worth in myself. But I do now.
This show has helped me more than my therapist!
It’s has helped me immensely too! ❤
That's good
If therapists told you what they really thought, they wouldn’t have a job.
@@skyfall1481 exactly...lol
@@skyfall1481That's why they charge $200 an hour. They have a financial incentive to get you to keep coming back.
I lived like her for 25 years, there is a better life out there, I had no family, no money, no job, but I made it, I have now been retired for 5 years and live a peaceful life ( without a man😘)
How did you get out?
I threw my spouse of eight years out when I accepted that she was cheating. Didn't think twice about it. Best decision I ever made.
Been there, tried forgiving, it doesn't work, cheaters will always continue to cheat, just more stealthily. Better to cut the cord and move on.
@@alladreamwedreamed Bullseye.
It so crazy how men are able to cut loose but women stay.
@@ineedhoez because a man can get another woman. Women usually depend on men. Throw some kids in there and her options are limited.
I agree. You matter. I mean that your own well being and having peace matters.
Hard to be a single parent, but my daughter ended up with a Master's degree, a husband that worships me, and a wonderful life.
The exception doesn’t make the rule
@@MrKrushgutz Agreed, but I don't see how this caller can continue with a husband who clearly doesn't respect his own children enough not to cheat on his wife.
@@MrKrushgutzstudies consistently prove that children whose parents divorce work out better that those that grow up in a toxic but in tact household.
Dr Phil always says kids would rather be from a broken home than in one.
and as a kid who lived in a broken home, i 1000% agree.
While I have plenty of issues w/ Phil; I wholeheartedly agree w/ him on this one!!
@@hansonallie same here he trash but some things he saying make sense
@poelomokgotho8127 agreed! The other gem he always used is "the greatest predictor of future behavior is past relevant choices."
Mary, this is a great opportunity to show your kids and your husband and everyone including yourself how strong you are and how much grace you can have in a tough situation. It starts with believing in yourself and focusing on what overcoming and pulling through looks like. And you can do it all with peace and calm in your heart and someone who deserves you will see that strength and want to be a better person. We believe in you and you and your kids deserve better. Show your kids, your husband, and yourself how you deserve to be treated and that lying and deception will not get you far in life.
Just because you’re bitterly crying and heartbroken doesn’t mean it’s the wrong decision. Powerful Deloney.
Just because you’re crying may be because you are scared shitless for how you’re going to face the future.
Mary, honey, run...run like the wind! You are worth so much more than this!!! He has shown you time and time again what kind of man he is.
When loving you is hurting me. I gotta choose me. Been there done that. I choose self-love!
My father was a serial cheater. My mother stayed because she had no support. Always wonder what life would have been like had she left. I'm in my 40's and prefer to be single without relationship drama. Nice to exhale in my personal space🥰
Haye to say it, but if your Dad was decent to you, your mom made the right choice.
@@GUITARTIME2024 i’m not sure you have the authority to say that.
Congrats on being an independent woman. I hope you are able to find the love you deserve. 💜
@@GUITARTIME2024 I would disagree, because a miserable marriage scars the kids too. I have made bad relationship choices because my folks didn't show what a healthy relationship looked like.
@@GUITARTIME2024 that's a pretty low bar. Treating your kids decently is an expectation, it doesn't give you a pass to cheat and disrespect your spouse.
If I had known how good it would feel to walk into my house after the divorce I would have done it sooner. The stress of a bad relationship is on you like a weight Mary. Just set it down. It’s time.
She won’t leave until she hits rock bottom and something shifts at her core
So true!!!
Yep I remember when I was leaving an abusive relationship we were back and forth a few times. I told a friend of mine who was older that I was done she said you’re not, not yet but you will be. She was so right. When that shift happened in me I was done and never looked back
😢 sadly true. She won’t leave …. But hopefully she will someday….
It has been 2 years since this aired. I really hope Mary and her kids are in a happier place. Sending hugs ❤
Girl he forced you to stop getting help for your mental health, your well-being. He doesn’t want you to be stronger mentally, he wants you to be easily manipulated. He doesn’t want his tricks being exposed.
He knew the therapist would tell her the truth. He can't lose his maid and baby machine.
"they are in two homes already just under the same roof" damn homie, you just saved so many lives with that statement
I so feel for her because I was her once. I was her for 6 years of my life. I was cheated on by this individual so many times, it was probably an ongoing joke among his stupid friends. I finally left because I ended up pregnant, but the strange thing was, my son gave me the strength to leave him. I swore to my beautiful baby boy at the hospital when I had him, I held him and I told him I was never going to allow his biological father to hurt me or him ever again. I promised my baby I would give him a stable home and a happy life. I swore to him his biological father had one last chance and if he didn't change, then I was going to leave. My son was 3 months old when I caught this person cheating on me again. So I packed up our stuff (mine and my baby's) and asked my mom to please come get me, I was leaving and I was done. Not gonna lie, I was crying, I was so sad and I was so scared. But my mom, my family, my friends were there by my side and eventually I got back on my feet. I got a job, I got my own place, I went back to school, got my college degree, met this wonderful man in the process, we got married and he adopted my son and life has never been better. I honestly can't believe my life sometimes. How did I go from such a terrible individual, to my husband? This stupid individual couldn't even step it up and make the effort to be a father to my son. Even when I made it so easy for him. Anyway, women like Mary, like I once was don't realize that we deserve better. We need to work on ourselves because it wasn't untill I was alone, with my son next to me of course, that I needed to change. I went through all sorts of hard times, but I was happy knowing that all I needed was to work on myself, focus on being the best mother I could be for my son. Mary, if I did it, you can too. It's scary and it's going to be hard, but it's definitely worth it. You are worth it, your kids are worth it. You can do it, I believe in you.
I know I'm a year late, but I have to tell you how awesome you are. You're strong and inspiring. Your son is lucky to have you and the wonderful father he now has. Good for you! Congratulations on your accomplishments.
They don’t change. Especially when they’ve learned that they can get away with it.
correct!!! 90+% of the time they don't change...especially if they are a repeat offender.
we had a good friend with a spouse like this...she stayed through him cheating numerous times and even trying to leave her...he's still doing it and has to reason to stop.
You get the respect you dictate. He does it because he knows there are no repercussions.
👏👏👏...yes sir!
Exactly
So true
I know it's illegal but a cast iron skillet to the head would be a fair repercussion.
Yeah....and he was doing it because he was greedy..
I am loving this channel. He is awesome and empathetic. Common sense- straight to the point- no sugar coating. Perfecto!
Mary, it's BEEN over. I'm sorry dear. Start a new life with your kids. Show them what a marriage with respect looks like.
Of the many Dr. Deloney podcasts, this one brought me to my knees in tears.
Dr. D, you navigated the most painful and heartbreaking situation with Mary so beautifully and with great compassion. This was hard to listen to; we need truth-tellers like you.
Be extra careful and don’t get pregnant right now Mary. This will be hard, but you can and must get out. Think big, dream big, be brave. You can do this. You deserve peace.
He knows she won’t do anything. That is why he still carries on the affair even though he knows she can see on the app where he is going. He’s brazen and doesn’t care. Mary, you sound like a sweet woman and deserve better.
You will do more damage to those precious children by staying with someone like him, than you would by them being raised in 2 homes. You are worth it. Your children are worth it. ❤
The ones who say "JUST LEAVE", have never been IN the cycle of abuse! It's not that easy!!!!
Mary, sweetie, read and learn about how to regain your self worth. He has torn it DOWN to nothing. 😔😔😔
YOU are worth not being in this situation. Your kids are too! ♥️💕
You're right. It's not that easy but it is that simple. If that makes sense. It's THE choice to make, even if it's extremely difficult.
Exactly wrong. Those of us who say “just leave” HAVE been through and we know that the longer you stay, the more damage is done. Mary needs to JUST LEAVE and pick up the pieces later. It won’t get “easier” until she does.
Please shut up. It’s as easy as you choose to make it. Y’all just want to hold onto the illusion so badly. Like that other commenter said, it may not be easy but it is that simple it starts with a decision and where there’s a will, there’s a way. A lot of women don’t have will power to leave any man cause they’re so scared of being alone and it’s sad.
Either way it’s the right choice
I agree with you OP, but I also agree with the comments saying it is that easy to just leave.. I’m still in a messed up relationship.. but as someone who was addicted to a substance before, after I finally quit for good I realized that entire time it was always that simple to just STOP. It became simple once I wanted sobriety more than the drug.
It will be that simple for me once I want peace more than this man I’m with.
"Just because you're crying doesn't mean it's the wrong decision to go." 💯%. Oooh that's a word.
I don’t understand why someone gets married if they are going to constantly cheat. It’s so unfair to the other person; they have the right to have someone who is faithful. You waste someone else’s time.
Narcissists want the best of both worlds mom at home to cook clean side piece for fun and expect wife and girlfriend to tolerate it lie lie lie
Until lawyers get involved
Because Cluster B’s enjoy using people and hurting them. They don’t feel empathy or guilt like normal people.
If you have to put an app on his phone to keep track of him then there’s something way way wrong with this relationship already
And if you have a marriage counselor AND are calling into radio shows, you have another problem.
I think that was terribly bad advice from the counselor.
I think that was terribly bad advice from the counselor.
How would she have known otherwise? I think if you have nothing to hide l, It shouldn't matter. Obviously it matters. Would you like to know if you are cheated on? Or would you rather remain a fool?
Amen.
Dr. Deloney, thank you for the wonderful and kind words you said to this woman. Your sincerity and words of affirmation reached out even to me and brought me to tears. You are good at what you do, what a contribution to life you are, simply… thank you.
He was pretty direct on this! Kind of makes me laugh when his head hits the desk though.
I lived that life for 19 years. I hope she finds the courage to move out and move forward as a woman and as a mother.
You give an ultimatum you follow through with it, period. It will be hard to slap him upside head with those papers but the feeling of freedom to be you is so worth it! And your kids…. They are just gonna grow up thinking that’s ok. Run for your life and those kids.
You don't think she's tried that? She just needs to go.
@@TheAgentmigs what I meant is you can’t “try” an ultimatum. You have to follow through with the threat. Technically it’s not an ultimatum if you don’t. 😂
She should track him with that app and serve the papers at the other woman's house while he is there 😆😆
The time for ultimatums has passed. She just needs to make her peace with her decision, and then pull the trigger.
Mary, I was in a VERY similar situation to you, but I am the husband and also dealt with physical, verbal and other mental abuse ..... for YEARS, just like you. I 'thought I was staying for the kids (grown now they consider me to have done the roles of Dad AND Mom) but if I could go back and do it over I would have left MUCH earlier.
As to Dr. John's comment about 'people waiting to help you move', I had almost that exact experience - I knew certain members of the family and some friends wanted more for me. I had no idea HOW many. No one, other than her, said I shouldn't go. Noone. I was in a little shock looking back. Friends we have known for 30+ years were happy for me and asked why it took so long. I told them they should have taken me aside years ago and put some sense into me :-)
Mary, it is time. Beyond time, to end things. It IS hard, VERY hard. What helped me finally go was when even my Pastor said it was time. You will flourish, I can here it in your voice, your kids will flourish by seeing you having a 'normal life' and modeling THAT for them. I will be praying for you.
I was married 18 years. Gaslighting manipulation abuse all forgiven because he was bipolar. Thought better or worse. Worse doesn’t mean lose yourself and take it when he did what he want and excuses all the time.
People are waiting. When I showed up on my parents doorstep with four kids I thought they were going to have a party. They came to every lawyer apptment every court appointment. It was helpful as they stayed clear headed and the emotions I had clouded and caused me to miss things being said. The love and support and generosity to keep me safe and get me on my feet was way more than I ever thought.
Lean on your church community and your friends too. They got your back even when they had a relationship with my ex. They knew what needed to be done.
It’s funny how my ex secluded me made me think I was crazy. Isolated me from friends and cause me to think if I said anything people wouldn’t believe me. The funny part is they knew they saw it they knew before I did.
Cc gf f gy
After the first time would have been tough but after number 2.. DONE ! BYE BYE. Time to move on Mary.
Had an ex do this with gambling... This EXACT same thing... LEAVE. You endured enough... You tried all you can. Cut him lose.
Children are happy when their parents are happy
My house was so peaceful after my ex was gone I wished I had those years back that I wasted on him. Mary, take your life back!
I am sorry Mary. Let others help you through this. Be strong. Things will get better.
When you allow a Person to keep disrespected you you will get what you allow. Mary you have to know your worth.
Dr. Thank you for telling her the truth! That husband is sick and is not going to change.
This hurts my heart that people will stay through all of this.
I saw that growing up. Cheaters and their spouses, the fallout of affairs, divorce that should have happened but never did, and on the flip side, serial monogamy. But, no one ever saw their behavior as dysfunctional.
My heart hurts for her. You can HEAR her mistrust in herself. She needs to mourn the image and expectation of what her family and future looks like.
This was said perfectly. Mourning the expectations of the future 😢
When she said that her husband tells her, “That’s not how you feel, this is really how you feel…” It took my right back to when my son’s dad used to tell me, “Those aren’t your thoughts, those are someone else’s thoughts that are putting stuff into your head.” Let me tell you, I know how this lady feels….. she feels like her brain is split in two, and she can no longer trust herself or her own thoughts. That’s what a gas lighter does. When I left my son’s dad, I told my counselor it felt like my brain was split in two, and I had to actively work to gain my sanity back. If you’re reading this caller….. I want you to know you are not crazy, and how you think and feel is real, and it’s the truth. My son’s dad was recently charged with online solicitation of minors, and I felt that the entire time we were together, but eh called me crazy. Your husband is doing the same to you. You aren’t a bad mother for leaving. It’s ok to leave. You are strong a courageous and intelligent. Take that leap. ♥️
I’m glad you got out of that and I pray that anyone in that situation can also make it out and heal
Mary I had the exact same thing done to me for two years. He lied and gaslit me constantly. Telling me I was crazy, reading too much into things etc…I knew the truth. I left with my 9 month old and never looked back. Five years later he texted me an apology. He admitted to it all. I am now thriving but it was a hard few years following. You will find new love and you deserve so much more than this guy. He’s sick and not a good person.
Everybody READ THE BOOK, "BOUNDARIES-WHEN TO SAY YES, HOW TO SAY NO, TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE," by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend.
this is SO good for people pleasers (lol me). the dating version is pretty good too.
@@melindawhite347 Thank you for letting me know Melinda! Remember the more you practice your boundaries the MORE YOU WILL PLEASE YOURSELF!!! GO MELINDA GO 😊 🏆🏆🏆!!!
If he “can’t stop” cheating, he doesn’t want a wife.
He’s not mature enough to handle that responsibility.
I think Deloney hit the nail on the head when he said this caller is terrified - to face the responsibilities of raising these kids alone.
Which is totally understandable for anyone who’d rather their family stay together. Duh.
She can go and regain her sense of self, the strength in her that attracted a guy like this, who doesn’t have any of his own -
Or she can stay and adjust her expectations. If she stays to keep her kids in an intact family unit, we get that. Better to fund her own kids’ futures than the lawyers’ kids’ college tuition. We get that.
Will he provide that? Can he provide for these kids? Is he both willing and capable? Is he doing that?
Ok then, she needs to expect that he do this girl and that girl and protect herself.
Is she willing to wear condoms and get tested every time she has sex with her husband?
Is she willing to keep the “love and honor” part out of the vows? Can she stand 18 more years of his foolishness? Of this humiliation and degradation?
If not, the choice is hers.
This louse has shown her who he is - and isn’t willing to be for her.
Is she willing to take care of herself and her family in ways he either can’t or won’t?
Because either way, he’s incapable or he’s unwilling but either way her needs of safety will not be met in this relationship. And that will cause patterns of instability and insanity for her kids.
She can rely on that as a fact. Because they’re not being. Ever. At all.
And especially with kids on the mix you gotta hold a man to a higher standard. You gotta.
Your kids deserve that stability and need that - require it even if you don’t think you do.
Every momma needs that for her kids at least.
She knows. This is insanity - doing the same thing expecting different results.
Nope.
Good luck with that destructive pattern of instability and crazy-making.
Is the hell out there worse than the one you’re already living? I dunno but only one way to find out of it could be better.
I hope it can be either way for you and those kids. I pray that for you. I really do. I ask the Lord now to help guide you with the Wisdom Elijah and Elisha, with grace, compassion, and love - especially for yourself, Momma.
Stop bending over backwards and contorting yourself for somebody not even willing to give you the truth.
He’s not with it.
He’ll only change when you do. Go forward, not back.
Best of luck to you.
Shes alone now
Dr. John is great at what he does. He always knows when people are leaving things out and how to get the whole story out of people so that he can really help them make the best decisions!!!!!!!
all that staying teaches the kids is that his behavior is ok. They deserve a happier mom who is treated right.
In a situation like this. Take a month or two to plan your escape. See a lawyer and start a plan. Talk to family to see what support you'll have. Do not listen to your husband about what is fair when it comes to your settlement.
He will be remarried in a year or two. You may not because you'll have healing to do. If you're married over 10 years he has to give you alimony. He has to pay child support. Talk to someone who has been through this. Listen to their advise. Do not bash the father in front of the kids but don't cover for him. State truth only in short sentences that are appropriate to their age. You will mourn. Do not grab first guy who comes along. Take care you deserve happiness
My question is why do guys like this even want to be married? Just be single.
I figured that out at 9 years old. It’s absolute pure bliss living the single life!!! Would not change a thing
They’re looking for a mom, not a wife. Some one to take care of them like children but doesn’t have to take care of them back.
the benefits of free labor...someone at home doing all of the legwork, raising the kids, etc.. and most especially if they know they can get away with cheating...aka a multiple offender like this guy...who's never been met with any consequences.
Benefits of having a family life... they dont feel alone, they have someone who does everything around the house, the positive image of a family man... and the rush from the side piece. Selfish people
they want someone to have their kids, raise their kids, clean their clothes, clean their home, make their meals etc but don’t want to provide loyalty to that person that they promised loyalty to. they just want to reap the benefits
Praying for you, Mary!! You can do this. God bless you!!! There are better days ahead!
John you had so much compassion here
Dr. John was on his A game here
I loved how he handled this call. Mary, sis, we love you. Thanks for being brave enough to express how you truly feel on this call.
It's amazing how people need to ask this question. We hold on to toxicity so hard.
Once and it’s over. Cheating kills love and respect, the only two things that keep marriages together. Kids and money shouldn’t be factors.
Amen. Amen. Amen.
I can relate to Mary, giving everything, and waiting for the change. I know what it feels like to feel disconnected from myself, and to feel like you’re crazy because of all the lies. He’s the ultimate manipulator and gaslighter.
I have 3 kids, I stayed 14 years, it is such a weight off your shoulders and not feeling like a shell of myself.
Mary, it’s hard, it’s hard to be alone, but I am a better person and mom without that paranoia and feeling consumed by the constant worry.
It’s a terrible terrible way to live.
Listen to her words" this is the 4th affair we have had since we married". WE uh no !
He has had 4 affairs since saying I do ! And, she is worth way more than he is treating her - God bless her
Mary I wept for you! I relate. You took me back to that time, 8 years with a cheating gaslighter myself. I also was scared to leave because our daughter. I hope and pray for you to find the strength to leave.Too many years of our youth wasted. I promise you Mary in time you will find happiness. You deserve it!! You first have to heal. I still do therapy to this day, 6 years later and I want you to know it may take a lot of different therapies because while your in this type of toxic relationship you’re unaware of how traumatic this is and effects you. But I am winning today! You will too! There are good men out there who will love you and your children as their own but first you must heal from the years of this abuse.
She is so precious, I hope she had the strength to leave and follow through after this call. As bad as it hurts to know he's with someone else, it'll probably hurt worse once they're separated because he will openly be with women and bring their kids around these women, but it has to happen. It's part of the process of moving forward with her life.
I wish I had had someone like Dr. John to speak the brutal truth to me when I was married to my late husband. I believe my life would have been entirely different/better.
I’m so glad after I found out my ex was cheating he decided to leave and divorced me because I would have never had the courage to leave and this call could have been me..
Stay strong Mary you deserve the love you are giving out. Be an example to your kids, the sting and the pain will fade away
He did you a favor. You should thank him for turning on the lights
Usually we ladies stay using the kids as the reason. The thing is we haven’t prepared ourselves financially to provide for those kids on their own if something happens. So we stay
Exactly. It is laziness. It is about comfort.
@@ineedhoez It isn't laziness for everyone. I went through this and chose to leave and be a single Mom of one child. I had a college degree and had been a public school teacher before having my son. At the time of my divorce every school system was laying off teachers or only hiring ones with multiple certification areas. I had to go back to school to get an additional certification while I was working and being a single Mom.
I was terrified that I would not be able to get a good enough job to support myself (and pay my huge attorney's fees) for quite some time, at least not geographically close enough to my ex. If I wanted to relocate so far away for a job it that might have set off a custody battle. I really didn't want to be seen by my child as being the parent who forced his father out of the picture. This does happen where the kids begin to romanticize to other/missing parent since they don't live with them- the kids often do not get to see their bad side. Then they blame their custodial parent for the alienation.
And I never really liked being a teacher at least in the public schools. I stayed in my teaching job for 7 years to allow my ex to go to law school and then channel a large portion of his earnings into building his practice, buying a building, buying computers, hiring paralegals etc.
Mary, a tough year or so ahead is so worth it to get back your peace and self respect for your lifetime. Been there, life is great now!
Girl. Yes. It's over. He's not repentant, because repentance means turning away from the behavior. He's a scoundrel. He'll do it again and again.
Perhaps I’m old school or perhaps it’s something else… but I firmly believe 1 occasion of infidelity is enough to end the marriage and walk away forever. No forgiveness, no working it out, no explanation. Just go to the lawyer and sign those divorce papers
I tend to agree. How ever iv e learned nearly half of marriages contain infidelity of some kind. This case is ridiculous as he really doesn't respect her.
But I'm sure some folk can rebuild stronger if they honestly want to.
Divorce isn't old school.
Because all that counseling is worthless. They have let you know with the cheating that they want out
Agreed. It must be a low sense of self-worth why people stay and put up with such dishonesty and disrespect.
I guess there will always be exceptions, but I personally don't see how the relationship can continue because the trust will be gone.
Mary you are stronger than you know and you are about to find out. You are strong, show those kids how strong you are!! You deserve much better, hugs to you.
Infidelity IS domestic violence. Mary IS in an abusive situation.
What? Then how do you call domestic violence. I mean actual violence. Let's not change word meanings. Cheating is a great word. Already comes with all it needs.
Infidelity is horrible but it’s NOT domestic violence. Stop ruining english.
Look at the wheel of power and control. It hits every quadrant - physical (stds) financial ( secret spending, possible financial infidelity) emotional and psychological. It's a hill I'm willing to die on.
@@jodybridgewater3062 it’s called infidelity. Not domestic abuse. I said what I said.
@@kathleenhernandez2030 I know what I'm talking about and it's a hill I'm willing to die on. There is no need for your response
There's peace on the other side. You just have to take the step. ❤
Cheaters prey on our wish that things can return to before. Our sunk cost fallacy. We think about all the effort we put in and the happy times we had and want it back and sometimes it's hard to accept that it never can be. It feeds their narcissism to think they're irreplaceable in our lives which is another benefit to being forgiven. We get nothing and they get everything.
She seems so so sweet. He doesn’t deserve her.
The minute I found out my kids father was cheating on me I left him. No second chances, no working out anything. I just grabbed my kids and left. Mary needs to leave that cheater now! Yes, it hurts but you get over it just think about your kids that’s what will keep you going.
Bravo! The right decision.
Glitch in the app!🤣
What a Gaslighter!
I was married to one!
4TH????? LEAVE
How is this not terrible abuse? Physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, and likely financial as well. This is an incredibly abusive situation.
Exactly.
Ooh Mary… this was so heartbreaking. We can all hear your pain. I’m sorry this has been happening and I hope by now you’ve found strength and peace. Hugs from Malia in Hawaii ❤
I'm a female and i will never understand why women stay with men that cheat on them.
It takes first hand experience to grasp understanding.
@@Livfree73 ... I've had "first hand experience" and when I found out I kicked his cheating *ss to the curb.
Children
I understand your situation because I’m dealing with the same ,I left a week ago and is the hardest thing that I ever did it’s take everything on you to walk away but we deserve better I don’t have babies my kids are adults but hurt to left behind 27 years of you life with this person.I’m in the same boat and we going to be ok ,it take courage ,time and determination to do it,is hard but not impossible is enough we deserve to be happy
Dear Mary- when I heard your story it sounds like my own. My husband of 17 years has now cheated 4 times. We have 3 children, I need and want to leave but I too feel stuck. Not because I don’t think I’m worth it, it’s because I’m scared to be on my own- I got married to be married. I thought he did too. I know that life isn’t fair but this feels very unfair. I’m so disappointed. I feel like I’ve failed my children because I picked a man who would rather cheat than be whole and loving towards us as much as I try. I should have left when it first happened but our sons were young and I just knew we would work it out. My family and his would have not given peace if we divorced. Even if he cheated, o one wanted me to leave. Even after this time, when he had a pregnancy scare with the most current other woman, family still don’t want me to leave. I have to and it’s so hard! I’m praying for you and your children to get through this. My husband doesn’t promise to change. Since it came out before our parents, he no longer feels obligated to act like it will work, now he’s “red pilled” if I had a chance of this working, the family should not have found out. All he could say is, I bet you liked the “blue pill” life better- that’s when he pretended to work on weekends and spent time with her and the priors. GOD let it come out, I have to move on. I hope you will too. Praying for the best for you and your family, Mary.
Don't be afraid to be on your own with your children, it will be hard but you will be at peace and your children will always love you, women go through this every day and come out of it stronger, its better to be on your own than to live with a man and be just as lonely and miserable ❤
@@debsday5445 oh wow, I just looked back on this post from a year ago. So much has changed and for the better. I started working full time again, focused on myself and kids, set boundaries regarding what I will tolerate and became stronger. He has since apologized for the pain he caused, he picked up extra work to cover all of the bills so that I can use my money towards bettering the home, scheduling fun things for myself and kids and have a savings.
We communicate better with each other now, I feel more secure, I “leveled up” my looks- not to attract others but to feel better about myself (new hair do, wardrobe upgrades, lost 38 pounds). I respect myself more and he respects me more. If he didn’t respect me more, it wouldn’t matter because what I went through was supposed to propel me to the next level. Most importantly, our kids are and can tell we’re getting along much better.