I thought I was ugly as a child. I couldn't bear seeing myself in the mirror. I would cover the mirror with sheets. I was my mother's scapegoat. I thought I was unlovable. Looking at photos - how gorgeous I was. If an adult was kind to me I would cry too - uncontrollably.
The way these parents steal the worth of their children so that they shrink from themselves is beyond cruel. May we all practice living unapologetically and out loud!
I felt the same way. My Dad was the narcissist. I actually scribbled out a photo of myself in my junior high yearbook. I thought I was hideous. I now understand I was not ugly but I had to explain to myself why I was treated so poorly as a child.
@@dnk4559 I hear you. My childhood BFF's father was a handsome Narc & left his wife & family destitute for another woman in a foreign country without the protection of his Visa. She was 10 years old. Always compared visually with her mother, she has since, into her 60's, assumed she was ugly.
My heartstrings were tugged by the girl, but I found myself wanting to give the hairdresser a long, strong hug. SHE'S a hero in my eyes because I can only WISH someone like her was in my life at that age.
However we want to critique whether we should focus on beauty or looks, if someone told her she was ugly,, the hairdresser put a stop to it. This little girl is going to remember the imprint that someone believed in her. Just beautiful to see.
Love that the hairdresser pointed out *concrete evidence that the little girl is pretty and has good manners. So many ppl are in the habit of automatically throwing out empty compliments nowadays just for courtesy's sake - maybe bc they want narcs to leave them alone. Or many well-meaning ppl will just tell vulnerable ppl that it's not a good habit to get into to go to a mirror and berate yourself. It's not a good habit to get into, but it is so much more grounding to get a real compliment based on real observations.
I'm with a good therapist now, but the last one I had was disappointed in me and told me. I only had 6 sessions with her..but she often told me a lot of negative things about me. I had to leave a marriage of 27 years with no financial stability and several children because the abuse escalated and the whole thing was difficult for me. We tried EDMR once and it didn't really do much for me so I think she was frustrated with me. Here she had her family intact, a good career and just could not understand how hard the losses have been for me. To choose to leave that relationship was a huge loss for me financially, socially and for my children. The grieving and regaining confidence with no support takes time. Thank you...your channel helps me a lot.
So sorry you went through this, and that the one person that is supposed to help only left you feeling less supported. It sounds like your therapist was transferring her feelings of inadequacy, of not being able to help you, on to you. I wish more people understood that sometimes all we want is someone to just be with us during hard times, someone who just lets us be human and doesn't judge us for what we are going through or how we are feeling You've been through a lot, please give yourself the credit and compassion you deserve.
@@tnt01 Of course. But I found everyone eventually has their boundaries and it is only US remaining to bring ourselves out of whatever we r going through. It is reality. I see and understand she wants someone who is fully there for her. But everyone is ultimately alone in most of the difficult journey. I also understand- deeply- she says that that therapist doesnt understand because of their life conditions. Of course they dont. What do you expect .... I find it difficult too but it is how it is. That is why I either go to therapy and accept that she doesnt understand most of my situation or I cant accept they dont understand and I dont go to therapy. I found the second one was easier- which is not ideal- but I cant tolerate the first one
Ugliness and feeling ugly.. the bedrock of my life. It took me 6 years before I could stomach forming the words, to mention it with my therapist. It gave me deep nausea. It felt unmentionable. And anyway what’s the point of discussing something like that - if it’s just true? Like gravity. But then I also had all these confusing experiences of being asked out by so many boys when my friends weren’t asked out by anyone. My therapist said recently ‘you don’t know what you were told..’ and I actually came across an old tape recording of someone giving out to me, it was hideous. I was only a toddler at the time. It was amazing evidence of an aspect I never knew about. I don’t know how I’ll ever separate all the abuse from myself, but starting to understand about manipulation and other peoples agendas - instead of always focusing on inner healing - is being very illuminating. They needed me to feel ugly, they needed me to feel worthless, that way I wouldn’t have the power or energy to resist their control and I’d submissively do their bidding and serve their needs.
Powerful!! I had my event as an adult. The hair dresser, was so gentle and kind with me, no one had ever been so caring in their touch and compassion. It was the first time I was going from super long hair to super short hair. She was a student at a Salon, I cried for the 2 hours it took for her to cut and style my hair. She continued with her kindness even through my apologies. This was 30 years ago. It was the best hair cut I'd ever had!!! And for months too!!
The video with the 4 year old made me cry- i think my mother had issues with my body. The kind words of encouragement, hugs were something I don't remember often even from my parents. I wasn't always protected from criticism by parents or siblings. Yes, very powerful. Dear Jay, you offer such intelligent, useful and really valuable videos- such a gift. Thank you.
What a wonderful example of how a child should be treated. I had tears in my eyes a bit. I was treated the exact opposite of that way throughout my life starting with the two NPD parents who scapegoated me. I was attacked by them and their monkeys not for making mistakes but for just existing. I was attacked by them even more when I was actually the victim of crime and medical malpractice. I didn’t have to make any mistakes for them to call me bad. Was it like that for other people I wonder?
Yes I wasn’t allowed to exist either, which is awful as I nearly died twice at birth. Love this hairdresser. Bless this child, no child should think that about themselves. This made me cry 😢
The disdain n insufficiency that grown adults inflict on innocent little children is nothing less than sickening. Abhorrent. A 4 year old beautiful little girl is an emotional dumpling ground for a sick monster who hasn't a right to be a parent. The way parents talk to their children becomes the child's inner critic. I weep for all who suffer n continue to suffer from narcissistic abuse.
I'm 34, my parents weren't the only ones telling me how ugly, dirty, useless I was. I experienced the years of bullying in middle school, then in highschool boys would look with disgust at me, if any would ever approach me would be to hit on one of my girlfriends but i was happy with the simple fact i had friends and wasn't bullied. In college i got same treatment again, even worse. I improved my looks a bit with haircolor and some make up and now the horny drunk ones would look at me as f*ckable, i didn't like being seen as such. The ugliest poorest men were now trying their luck with me since i was highly undesirable and they wanted someone who wouldn't show much resistance. I moved to other country and got some attention. The first guy quickly noticed how ugly i was discarded me as if i had some disfigurement and took him 2 weeks to start dating a pretty girl of higher status who was a Match. I went to a deep hole of depression, developed an autoimmune but still trying to go out and date, meet new people, again thr same contempt followed by an offer to hook up. One said he wanted a relationship i told him my needs and boundaries and he agreed. Noticed he wouldn't take photos of me/us, would always meet at my town, never took me to visit his friends and family and even told a taxi driver i was just his friend. The waves of pain. I had trusted my heart to this person and he was ashamed of me, hiding me, treating me as less than and making feel like it. Parents set us up for life and seems that's how the world will see us. My mother had to lick the floor to have a man who despised her to imprgnate her , she was an ugly dirty woman who had children to pass all her negative traits topped up with abuse. This woman compliments weren't genuine. There was pity there thats why the little girl cried. This little girl needed t be looked in the eyes and being told with an assertive voice "You are not ugly! Whoever said that lied to you. Look at me in the eyes because I'm the one telling the truth". The woman needed the hug more than the little girl. A good example of positive reinforcement is the one portrayed in the movie "the help" where the housekeeper keeps on reminding the litte girl that she is beautiful and precious.
@@lunalu552 I'm so sorry you were treated so deplorable and dehumanizing. Sending u hugs galore n support to encourage your gorgeousness. I can relate with 56 years of that kind of mistreatment from my parents all the way up to the man I married 22 yrs, and how Society continues to repeat it over and over against moral individuals. Being scapegoated is murder. Living death. Beyond crushing. It crushes your soul and your spirit. It crushes your truth and your choice. Crushes your career n your character. Crushes your basic human rights. But there's something in US girl that stands for our truth n beauty. Ain't no liar monster can steal that. Ever! And I will stand for truth, God, and moral law till my last fucking breath siStar. I have survived monsters. A Ted Bundy type ex hub. I can relate to your pain, and validate your feelings WITH you as a sister. How unfair and immoral these acts of betrayal are. May you find healing and restorative energy to know what a gorgeous deserving beautiful loving caring woman you are. What dignified truth you own. What a beautiful centered mind you have. And what efficacy and skill set you own, that you can go hulksmash barriers down as an advocate for all of the voiceless and innocent that have been harmed so despicably like us. We need to BE the change we so desperately need to see in the World. I'm on the front lines catching monsters now. I'm sick of them creating perpetual horror stories in little toddlers lives let alone grown adults of the same punishment for being beautiful. Girl...i ain't sitting back no more allowing it. We survived monsters n still have loving caring hearts. That's beyond beautiful. That's a BADASS!
This had me bawling my eyes out for multiple reasons. Jay, I'm definitely going to do your course in the near future, of the many good therapists on UA-cam it's you who is consistently chiming with me. Thank you so much!!! 🙏💕
The part about trusting your therapist really hit home. I recently began a new search for a therapist after many, many years of bad therapists, finding a fabulous 1, went about 5 years, made more progress than ever in my life but then he retired. I have chronic lateness, working on it but never wanting to be late after a certain point for appointments with him. He never shamed me & even told me not to drive too fast, he wanted me to get there safely. I looked forward to our sessions & not longer wanted to short myself any time there. I once had a psychiatrist refuse to see me when I was 12 minutes late. The counselor at that office told me my problem was that I was irresponsible. He told me to come back the next day. I wouldn't. It was humiliating. I recently went to 2 different psychologists to evaluate them. Now I see why I'm leaning towards 1 more than the other, just like my old Dr, he immediately empathized with me. You've got to feel like they're in your corner! The clip made my cry both times but was helpful for me to understand what I need in a new therapist. Thanks!
I think I was around 9 years old when I asked my mother why I was so weird. Then she asked me who said that to me and stuck that idea in my mind. My honest answer was: you. I'm amazed I had the guts to say it to her. By the way, nothing changed, I'm still the stranger, the outsider, the weird one although some friends told me I am the most normal and coherent person they have known. No contact is the chance to get irrational, negative core beliefs out of your mind ll. You can't heal in the same environment which made you sick, sad and excluded. I have identified with that child so much when she started crying. It is beautiful to see how the lady handed the situation. She will become a great teacher. God bless them both ❤
I remember when I first saw this video. I was raising two step daughters at the time. My FIRST thought was to be afraid for the child IF she was being "exploited" in any way. BTW I think she is a STUNNING child and to want to be a Teacher? WHAT AN ANGEL! I know that a four year old cannot grasp the concept of exploitation and therefor doesn't "feel used" but I am sure she has seen the adverts and the SHOCKINGLY blatant manipulation of photos that are unobtainable goals! I myself was HORRIFICALY picked on in school. And was raised by narcissistic parents and was the scapegoat child. I was abused by my siblings occasionally and had my nose broken by a BOY in 3rd grade and then again by my SISTER after I got it fixed when I was 18. SO I walked in SHAME with a "boxer's" nose for most my life! I do like how he uses this as an "example" of how to respond to a child sayin that she is ugly. I would have given MY LIFE to have such an understanding woman in my corner. My response from a parent or sibling to "I am ugly" would be and had been. "who cares? You are NOT the most important thing you know!" AND what I heard a LOT from my Mother " NO BODY has the time to THINK ABOUT YOU"!
Thank you for providing steps for healing. Many of us have lived decades with the burden of our failures. How refreshing to be able to unload those burdens and learn to accept ourselves as normal.
Thank you for sharing this incredible and heartfelt moment. This little girl is so precious and the love and care the woman exhibited for the little girl will have an impact to that little girl's self worth. I never cried or showed vulnerability with my parents. I remember how awkward and embarrassed I was when my mom learned that I got my period in 5th grade. It was a Saturday in May 1992, I was hiding in the bathroom with the lights off. My mom was running through the house looking for me because yet again she was angry with me. I often relate this to Miss Trunchbull, the mean principal in the movie "Matilda". Finally my mom found me, she twisted the doorknob to open the door but I had locked it. She then started banging on the bathroom door demanding I open it. I refused and sat in the darkness. She continued punching the door and told me she would break the door down if I didn't open it. So I got up and approached the door, I slowly unlocked it and carefully opened it. I could see my mom standing in the lit hallway, like a bull about to be unleashed in the running of the bulls. Then her demeanor suddenly shifted. She asked "what's wrong with you!". I was too scared to answer. "Why do you look pale, are you sick?" she asked with a puzzled look on her face. I forget what I told her that day but it was enough for her to conclude I had gotten my period. Suddenly she grabbed me and hugged me, instead of being hit I was now standing in the bathroom doorway with my mom embracing me. I stood there with my arms at my sides, standing still and holding my breath. She got emotional and loudly announced to my father that I had gotten my period. I continued to stand there as this 200 pound woman embraced me. I was too scared to move because being in close proximity to my mom meant violence, so her touch felt unnatural to me since she never hugged me. I was embarrassed that my mom had announced this news to the entire household. I didn't quite know what was happening to me as an 11 year old but I knew it was private and now it was being broadcasted to my dad, two brothers and sister. I had a sister who is two years older than me and it would be a few more years before she experienced getting her period. Things seemed to happen to me first... even being "the first teenager" in the house since my sister preferred reading books and I preferred to explore and be adventurous with my friends. I find it tragic when I think back to that day, it was supposed to be a coming of age experience and instead it was trauma filled. My parents were not safe or unavailable to me with their neglect, so I never told them if I was injured. I kept everything to myself. My mom would scold me and say "why do you hide your injuries from me, you need to tell me when you get hurt". But I didn't, she was not safe. I find it interesting that as my mom chased me through the house that day my father and siblings response to it foreshadowed how they would behave for a lifetime. My siblings all scurried and hid as my mom raged looking for me and my dad sat silently reading his newspaper in the living room. They all needed me to be the scapegoat and none of them lifted a finger to help, not even when my siblings became adults.
I carried that shame into adulthood. Somehow blaming myself for this embarrassing experience. Through guidance provided by, Jay Reid and others, I started focusing on healing. I didn’t know our childhoods played a big role in how we are as adults. I read a book last year called “Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect”. This book allowed me to “parent” myself and provide the nurture I needed since I experienced so much neglect as a child. Thank you for your kind words.
It's such a heartbreak that this little girl has been treated so badly that when this lady is sweet to her, it overwhelms her into crying. I've got tears, now. But what's good is, this moment of being told she's beautiful is probably one she will hang onto tightly in hard times for the rest of her life. Because of this, she will be able to feel better about herself than she would have growing up without this advice to hold dear.
Hi Jay, I see your perspective, but I feel like the woman was not letting the girl feel her feelings. I felt like she was very unomfortable with the girl's emotions and was trying to "fix" her without asking her any questions. She told her not to cry. She told her her feelings were not valid. She told her her beliefs were not valid without even exploring what exactly was the root of the belief. People have done this to me my whole life. "Don't cry" to a four year old. Yeah...push that down cause the adults cant handle it. "You gotta be happy all the time" What??? Really??? "You are so beautiful (like that changes everything just cause she said that) In my opinion, she was invalidating and instead of letting the girl feel her feelings, she got her to feel the way She wanted her to feel. It was not a good experience to see the little girl shut down and not even want her hair done. But ... she even did that anyway. I respect you, but I don't think making a four year old stop crying and suck her emotions up is a win. We still don't know why she said that. We can only make assumptions until we ask the little girl. But now she won't answer honestly because she was just told that those kinds of words are bad. This was a great learning experience, but not good therapy. It almost made me cry.
Hi 👋 Doc. Jay,..thank you so much and much love to you🌻 My brother, ultimately died as a result of scapegoat narcissism abuse, initially being made mentally handicapped from extreme abuse as a toddler, and then being made to live chained to his bed up untill the 10th grade. As a way to feel needed by my father or I'm not sure exactly why but my mother would rat him out, tell on him -example, when he was in the sixth or seventh grade and found with pack of rolling papers and resulting more abuse. I said to her "what the h?ll is wrong with you"? I know she was a co-dependent and I recently came to the conclusion there was narcissism in her as well. Chuck was jumped by my two nephews (children of one of the Golden Sisters) 3 weeks before he died of diagnosed congestive heart failure at the one-year - mark, when he was told upon being diagnosed, he would have up to 2 years at 34y/o and my mother viciously (she actually snarled and growled when she said it) told me do not call the police "don't you dare call the police". At the time, I had not yet learned what narcissism was and they were in complete control of me, all of them. Can you please also help us with some videos on what the heck was wrong with the parent who wasn't the narcissist ? When finally learning what narcissism was at age 50 now being 55, I immediately realized my father was a narcissist, -actually he was a psychopath too. I may not be where I want to be but I darn sure ain't where I used to be, I recovered from 50 years of chronic headaches, I don't have headaches anymore. I have to avoid one particular ingredient, to do so I must eat 100% organic. I am also a survivor of scapegoat narcissism abuse. I bought the house we grew up in that Chuck was chained up in from my mother 18 years ago. The price was very inexpensive, I knew it wasn't going to be healthy for me living here, I didn't plan on being here this long but I had no idea what I was in store for. Within a matter of weeks flashbacks started and headaches mounted and the two golden children, ran a shame campaign on me that's probably still on - going. And I was written in the Will My narcissistic father I believe, instructed them on how to steal the money just before he died, being able to get away with it and leaving me with nothing to pay an attorney to fight for it oh, I was supposed to inherit $700,000. Going through dark and hard years, I then got stuck here however I'm currently working on a plan to fix this house up and sell it, and I get better everyday. Chuck died not knowing what narcissism abuse was. My point is, I appreciate you. You are a precious Soul and thank you so much for your help, thank you for helping all of us.
Oh my. Sending you and your brother's spirit much love and good wishes for your turnaround. Re your physical health, the Medical Medium 'cleanse to heal' book will definitely help you, it has brought me back from the brink, a bonus is that my food sensitivities have dramatically improved. 💕
Questioning / disconfirming wrong beliefs. Control mastery theory. Thank you. Your website content is the first time i have felt someone truly understood what occurred in my family. Struggling with aftermath & guilt for letting myself be duped is mitigated by understanding it is attachment trauma.
I think she cried because the stern tone scared her. She seemed confused to me. I agree that everything the woman said was great and helpful- but she seemed startled and maybe ashamed for saying something that elicited that sudden aggressive response.
That little princess is so amazingly beautiful!!! My heart broke when she said that. I just can’t believe anyone would ever say anything like that to her. She is so pretty, when she started crying I felt that cry in my soul. I was that little girl. My stepfather told me I looked like a monkey and my family all enjoyed telling me that and laughing. I wish I could crush people that hurt children.
It is incredible how well Mr. Reid unravels the child-parent relationship in the narcissistic context. Thank you so much. What I would also be interested in would be a series on the topic of developmental infantile narcissism (phenomenon per se, compared to NPD, the narcissistic collision with a narcissistic adult, coping with this developmental phase, etc.).
When the little girl started to cry, it made me tear up. This cute little muffin had been subject to painful feeling that she absolutely did not deserve. So glad she had a healing experience. My first such experience came at age 20. One year after I arrived in the US from Taiwan, I tried to kill myself by overdose. While in the ER, I overheard a nurse said I was so pretty. I had only heard the opposite from my. narc mother up until that moment. The social worker who came to talk to me told my father that my pain had something to do with my mother. I was too out of it to even remember what I said to the social worker. After being released from the hospital, I was referred to the county mental health service for counseling. That was the beginning of my search for answer for my pain. It took decades to get here.
Keep up the good work. I was crying too. How does one become comforted from the lies we were told? There is actually some comfort you in videos like these. That there is some relief from replacing those lies by first turning them into disbeliefs and then embracing truth, the better reality.
I cried so hard when I saw this. Bless this hairdressers heart. I got mixed messages that still confuse me. Narc mother was jealous of me and my father exploited me but I never knew it had anything to do with looks.All I knew was that men were always staring at me and my mother was angry at me.
Unfortunately I was in therapy for one full decade before narcissistic abuse was known. Three therapists believed the smear campaign that I was the abuser and my husband was the saint. Because I had been so gaslighted by him into submission, I did not even talk about my husband until the ninth year. Then when aggressive professional confrontation was directed to him, and my life was in danger, that sense of danger had been so firmly established throughout our marriage that I didn’t even report that I feared for my life! That was just what it was like to be married to a saint. I lived in this pressure cooker for 43 years, until his death, and now my children have picked up where he left off, and am in the presence of saints. This Monday is Christmas, and once again I will spend the day alone with all the coping skills that got me through my childhood and marriage - books and music. Thank God for books and music (and a nice fire in my buck stove:)
I'm crying watching this girl. It's me. I always tear up when someone says something good about me and I sense it's honest. I can sense when it's not honest too. But when it's honest, I tear up. Why is this happening? Is it because I was starved of good and honest messages my whole life?
Amazing video. Triggered me a little, but in a good way. My mom used to pinch my stomach and tease me as a kid. I remember after about a year of therapy, I could hold my own gaze in the mirror without the inner critic saying anything. Was an amazing moment and continues to this day.
I think that there were many sweet moments in the video, and I really felt the empathy and good intentions from the hairdresser. But, I have to be honest In that the video was triggering to me. It felt a little jarring and that the little girl was being told how she should feel. I felt it would have been a good opportunity to downplay the importance of looks, while also highlighting that she is unique and beautiful In her own right, without it needing to define her or to be compared to others. The "don't make waves" part of me didn't want to comment. But, I'm hoping this can be a safe space for different views. Because we all have had different experiences, what may feel powerful to some, may be triggering to others
Albeit we only had a glimpse of the encounter between the little girl and the hairdresser I felt the empathy and the good intentions of the latter. However well meaning she scolded the little girl for feeling "ugly" and aggressively suggested positive attributes rather than explore the reasons that the little girl felt inadequate. She was shouting at the other children to "shut up" and go into the other room probably because she wanted to devote her full attention to the little girl. She encouraged the little one but asked if her teacher was mean to her which may or may not have been the source of the little girl's doubts. Again, as viewers we have no history of the relationship between the hairdresser and the child and can only guess at the larger story including the little girl's feelings of inadequacy. The hairdresser felt true empathy for the child and did her best to make things better.
I absolutely found it triggering too, the woman grabbing the kids head, my grandma used to do that to me and she was a big old narcissist! I wished I hadn't but I found it so triggering. Heart pounding as I watched the kid go stiff, was she just listening real intent or was she freezing like I thought I saw? So confusing, I always think I mistake body language but my therapist says the opposite, especially microexpressions. Still confusing.
@@leaf4958 Yes, I don't think that was the hairdresser's intention, but feeling better at the expense of others doesn't feel good and can create division .
This video, along with your words, went deep. 😭 thanks for the good cry, this morning. I’m so happy somebody encouraged her, as it sure needs to be done at a young age. Although, I grew up, believing that looks was everything. 😢 another form of abuse.
What a lovely video, I cried for the little girl and my inner child who needed this growing up! Thank you for your insight! That’s exactly how I felt when I started therapy, when my therapist made no issues about me being late. Wow everything makes sense.
We are more than what we look like. Our greatest asset and the marker of True Beauty is our Open Loving Heart. The ideal parent will confirm to the child the high value of being a kind, caring, empathic person with healthy boundaries and self love. We dont even have to teach these traits, they are inherent in the child, they only need to be nurtured and encouraged. Leading by example being the most powerful form of communication to both children and adults alike.
I have been consistently late... oh my... maybe I did want to prove she will get mad at me.. I think as I get emotionally closer to my therapist and it feels warmer, I show up on time more often.
10:16 I can hear the translation of her saying "I am not ugly, oh I am not ugly, you are my extention, don't cry, I am not ugly. " That shit reminds me of my elders. One question was enough "Why do you feel that way babe?" And yet, everything is spoken that has no question mark at the end. 😶 Edit: IDK maybe I made projection, but I didn't feel comfortable. "Be that, do that, be the best", all I wanted and want to be is ordinary and sometimes to be sad. That is my wound.
Were you expected to be perfect in everything? Maybe that's the source of your reaction. I was expected to be perfect and to smile all the time and at the same time everything good was stolen from me or I was constantly told how bad I am. I thought that if I'll be average (like my successful friends) then I would have a peaceful life and no longer be a prisoner of my mother who used my talents for her benefit but didn't allow me to use those talents for myself. I'm in my 40ties, still have nothing of my own. I cried watching this video. Sorry to bother you with my story 🙈❤
My mother (malignant covert narcissist) would use my overt psychopathic Marine father to bully terrorize and abuse me. I never knew I was beautiful until a out 5 years ago and only looking back e en then. She would stand aside and just behind my father sniggering nastily whole he would rage at me saying "Beauty's only skin deep - ut Ugly goes all the way through! Isn't that Right Laura!"
I've watched Dr R. I don't know how to spell her name. However I really like your content more although hers help me understand my own situation and see reality. Yours is helping me stay sain till I'm able to get free myself for myself and especially my kids.
Hey there! Thanks for putting these videos up, it´s very helpfull. I´m wondering, could you make a video about the consequences of swinging back and forth from being a scapegoat to a golden child?
I fully understand the analysis of this video but I do see more than just one side of this coin. For instance, notice the hair session is being filmed, maybe for the purpose of child safety or even for the purpose of uploading the finished video to UA-cam as some kind of a promotional video. If the child was in anyway aware that her hair session could make it onto social media then I think this also could be a credible reason why the little girl claimed she was ugly, not worthy of social media, after all, infant girls & teenage girls when dealing with glossy magazines & social media, they feel they are supposed to look a certain way, everything being & looking just perfect when in fact all role models are, lets face it, air brushed. Also, when the toddler mentions that she is ugly, the adult sounds shocked & begins to sound as if she is telling the child off, look what happens, the little girl breaks down & starts to cry. The child is cuddled, as the adult's voice becomes more empathetically soothing the child stops crying, the child is then stood on the chair (Same height as the adult) face to face, the adult then switches between a more assertive voice whilst exercising a slightly more soothing approach. Just a few different angles here but hey, we all see the world through different eyes right. To be honest I thought the little boy (Who we only hear) was going to tell the little girl how pretty she is, that would have tugged at my heart strings.
Awesome!!! This video brought tears to my eyes. It took me back to when I was 11. I came home and happily told my parents " cousin Jan said I was pretty!" My dad hugged me & said...." Yes you are, all of my girls are pretty". But my mom's reply was...." Well , you wouldn't be if you didn't have long hair & big eyes. You may be cute, but you're not pretty. People use the words pretty, gorgeous or beautiful too much! No one is beautiful". That shattered me. The little girl probably had a mean mom too. Thank You. Great video.
Wow. This was triggery... It was picture day, I was in 3rd grade. I dressed myself and did my hair. I was so proud, thought I looked cute. I was looking in the mirror proud of myself for putting myself together and I said "don't I look cute mom?" Her response - Looks aren't everything! After that my heart sank and I felt disgusting. I'm 43 still feel like I'm disgusting as a whole. Not even just looks. I'm heinous.
I am certain that the theraphy is great BUT you must find the theraphist who is qualified to narcissism and the childhood trauma. If you have had a narcissistic parent. But it also first requires that YOU understand your state of being and WHY. I had seeked for help from the theraphists, but none of them could help really. I think that my cats are more helpful than any theraphist so far.
Poor girl - IMO the positive talk actually invalidated her self view. Went through having her self image invalidated/broken to reset it to something else, kind of like a broken leg that's started to heal the wrong way and needs to be broken again so it can be set in a healthy way. Though she's young I think that cry came from a much younger place in her. Probably from around the time the negative self image was first being inflicted on her.
To the right of the title of this video, click on the little downward arrow. You’ll see Jay Reid’s free pdf book and his pay course. Click on the free ebook. I think you have to sign up with your email to receive the ebook. Each Sunday you’ll get an email notification for his next video. 💕
Unfortunately theres probably is also a racial aspect to why this little girl said this. I can imagine little white girls at school telling her that her hair is ugly or something stupid like that just because she doesnt have the same texture hair as them. Hence maybe why when she is getting her hair done, she says she is ugly. I love love that the hairdresser says shes got beautiful chocolate skin etc. Poor little girl I really hope that's not the case. Either way I wonder where she picked up this crazy belief from. Society is so harsh on women and their looks this hurts me to see someone so young feel like this. It starts young 😖 I love the hairdresser
You are so right, thanks for pointing this out. I was only 4 years old the first time I was excluded from playing with my classmates for being black. It starts early.💔
Why do we ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS have to go there? Perhaps if we ALL take responsibility to not constantly feed the narrative, the narrative would grow to be mute. Babies are not born racist. They LEARN IT. Did you ever consider that this child is only four, and if she's fortunate, may not understand the issue with her skin color, yet? Like she doesn't already have enough issues. Let's just feed her some more. Can we PLEASE at least make an effort to STOP feeding the narrative. Exceptionally naiive, I know. But it's something.
I just need to capture this idea, the abusive party needs to have the scapegoat be naive clueless or novice among the several dozen other abrasive antisocial beliefs that get entrained.
we have similar and opposite interaactions in our family. as in length and intensity tho in a negative direction. as in devaluation. i practice saying thank you to complements or less so. for me i find it imposible to believe complements and believing falable and yet reliable seeing as i am not a priority. in therapy they have their own lives and things so really. good luck and have fun = gl hf.
i would like to say. id like mushrooms to be a safe topic of discusson related to crying and and suffering. a few months ago i did about 2 g. which is a small dose tho these mushrooms are pretty strong. i called a crisis centre cus agony. and mostly i fear being rejected cus on shrooms so gl. and yet i wasnt i and cried about having suicidal thoughts for as long as i can remember as in i had a plan when i was 8-9 as in i was going to hang my self with my brothers climbing ropes. anyways it was nice and yet she was maybe the one out of 7 that get it. those agonized cries are all to familiar to me. and i am a adult like 29.
I thought I was ugly as a child. I couldn't bear seeing myself in the mirror. I would cover the mirror with sheets. I was my mother's scapegoat. I thought I was unlovable.
Looking at photos - how gorgeous I was. If an adult was kind to me I would cry too - uncontrollably.
The way these parents steal the worth of their children so that they shrink from themselves is beyond cruel. May we all practice living unapologetically and out loud!
Same
I felt the same way. My Dad was the narcissist. I actually scribbled out a photo of myself in my junior high yearbook. I thought I was hideous. I now understand I was not ugly but I had to explain to myself why I was treated so poorly as a child.
@@dnk4559 I hear you. My childhood BFF's father was a handsome Narc & left his wife & family destitute for another woman in a foreign country without the protection of his Visa. She was 10 years old. Always compared visually with her mother, she has since, into her 60's, assumed she was ugly.
@@rw4754 I’m sorry to hear that. Hopefully she will realize she is not in fact ugly.
My heartstrings were tugged by the girl, but I found myself wanting to give the hairdresser a long, strong hug. SHE'S a hero in my eyes because I can only WISH someone like her was in my life at that age.
However we want to critique whether we should focus on beauty or looks, if someone told her she was ugly,, the hairdresser put a stop to it. This little girl is going to remember the imprint that someone believed in her. Just beautiful to see.
Yes she is
Love that the hairdresser pointed out *concrete evidence that the little girl is pretty and has good manners. So many ppl are in the habit of automatically throwing out empty compliments nowadays just for courtesy's sake - maybe bc they want narcs to leave them alone. Or many well-meaning ppl will just tell vulnerable ppl that it's not a good habit to get into to go to a mirror and berate yourself. It's not a good habit to get into, but it is so much more grounding to get a real compliment based on real observations.
yes! true
Yes. She complimented her outside and inside. That's really important. Not only focusing in your outside appearance.
I'm with a good therapist now, but the last one I had was disappointed in me and told me. I only had 6 sessions with her..but she often told me a lot of negative things about me. I had to leave a marriage of 27 years with no financial stability and several children because the abuse escalated and the whole thing was difficult for me. We tried EDMR once and it didn't really do much for me so I think she was frustrated with me. Here she had her family intact, a good career and just could not understand how hard the losses have been for me. To choose to leave that relationship was a huge loss for me financially, socially and for my children. The grieving and regaining confidence with no support takes time. Thank you...your channel helps me a lot.
So sorry you went through this, and that the one person that is supposed to help only left you feeling less supported. It sounds like your therapist was transferring her feelings of inadequacy, of not being able to help you, on to you. I wish more people understood that sometimes all we want is someone to just be with us during hard times, someone who just lets us be human and doesn't judge us for what we are going through or how we are feeling You've been through a lot, please give yourself the credit and compassion you deserve.
you did the right thing. stay strong. hugs.
I m sorry.the thing is we are all alone in our life journeys. nobody can do the job for anyone. either survive or get drown.
@@minooluna23 yes, but we all need some sort of support from time to time. we are human.
@@tnt01 Of course. But I found everyone eventually has their boundaries and it is only US remaining to bring ourselves out of whatever we r going through. It is reality. I see and understand she wants someone who is fully there for her. But everyone is ultimately alone in most of the difficult journey. I also understand- deeply- she says that that therapist doesnt understand because of their life conditions. Of course they dont. What do you expect .... I find it difficult too but it is how it is. That is why I either go to therapy and accept that she doesnt understand most of my situation or I cant accept they dont understand and I dont go to therapy. I found the second one was easier- which is not ideal- but I cant tolerate the first one
"You hold your head up". She has safe place.
Ugliness and feeling ugly.. the bedrock of my life.
It took me 6 years before I could stomach forming the words, to mention it with my therapist. It gave me deep nausea. It felt unmentionable.
And anyway what’s the point of discussing something like that - if it’s just true? Like gravity.
But then I also had all these confusing experiences of being asked out by so many boys when my friends weren’t asked out by anyone.
My therapist said recently ‘you don’t know what you were told..’ and I actually came across an old tape recording of someone giving out to me, it was hideous. I was only a toddler at the time. It was amazing evidence of an aspect I never knew about.
I don’t know how I’ll ever separate all the abuse from myself, but starting to understand about manipulation and other peoples agendas - instead of always focusing on inner healing - is being very illuminating.
They needed me to feel ugly, they needed me to feel worthless, that way I wouldn’t have the power or energy to resist their control and I’d submissively do their bidding and serve their needs.
I think your insight makes so much sense
Powerful!! I had my event as an adult. The hair dresser, was so gentle and kind with me, no one had ever been so caring in their touch and compassion. It was the first time I was going from super long hair to super short hair. She was a student at a Salon, I cried for the 2 hours it took for her to cut and style my hair. She continued with her kindness even through my apologies. This was 30 years ago. It was the best hair cut I'd ever had!!! And for months too!!
The video with the 4 year old made me cry- i think my mother had issues with my body. The kind words of encouragement, hugs were something I don't remember often even from my parents. I wasn't always protected from criticism by parents or siblings. Yes, very powerful. Dear Jay, you offer such intelligent, useful and really valuable videos- such a gift. Thank you.
What a great way to show an abuse victim's need for safety. Wish every kid has a safe caretaker throughout childhood...
What a wonderful example of how a child should be treated. I had tears in my eyes a bit. I was treated the exact opposite of that way throughout my life starting with the two NPD parents who scapegoated me. I was attacked by them and their monkeys not for making mistakes but for just existing. I was attacked by them even more when I was actually the victim of crime and medical malpractice. I didn’t have to make any mistakes for them to call me bad. Was it like that for other people I wonder?
Yes, the family mobbing, blame and scapegoating gets worse if you are met with a hardship or you get sick. It’s still your fault.
Christar 95 - Yes.
@@viacarrozza yes. Family mobbing a good phrase.
Yes I wasn’t allowed to exist either, which is awful as I nearly died twice at birth. Love this hairdresser. Bless this child, no child should think that about themselves. This made me cry 😢
Yes and I’m so sorry you went through that
The disdain n insufficiency that grown adults inflict on innocent little children is nothing less than sickening.
Abhorrent.
A 4 year old beautiful little girl is an emotional dumpling ground for a sick monster who hasn't a right to be a parent.
The way parents talk to their children becomes the child's inner critic.
I weep for all who suffer n continue to suffer from narcissistic abuse.
I'm 34, my parents weren't the only ones telling me how ugly, dirty, useless I was. I experienced the years of bullying in middle school, then in highschool boys would look with disgust at me, if any would ever approach me would be to hit on one of my girlfriends but i was happy with the simple fact i had friends and wasn't bullied.
In college i got same treatment again, even worse.
I improved my looks a bit with haircolor and some make up and now the horny drunk ones would look at me as f*ckable, i didn't like being seen as such.
The ugliest poorest men were now trying their luck with me since i was highly undesirable and they wanted someone who wouldn't show much resistance.
I moved to other country and got some attention. The first guy quickly noticed how ugly i was discarded me as if i had some disfigurement and took him 2 weeks to start dating a pretty girl of higher status who was a Match.
I went to a deep hole of depression, developed an autoimmune but still trying to go out and date, meet new people, again thr same contempt followed by an offer to hook up. One said he wanted a relationship i told him my needs and boundaries and he agreed. Noticed he wouldn't take photos of me/us, would always meet at my town, never took me to visit his friends and family and even told a taxi driver i was just his friend. The waves of pain. I had trusted my heart to this person and he was ashamed of me, hiding me, treating me as less than and making feel like it.
Parents set us up for life and seems that's how the world will see us. My mother had to lick the floor to have a man who despised her to imprgnate her , she was an ugly dirty woman who had children to pass all her negative traits topped up with abuse.
This woman compliments weren't genuine. There was pity there thats why the little girl cried. This little girl needed t be looked in the eyes and being told with an assertive voice "You are not ugly! Whoever said that lied to you. Look at me in the eyes because I'm the one telling the truth". The woman needed the hug more than the little girl. A good example of positive reinforcement is the one portrayed in the movie "the help" where the housekeeper keeps on reminding the litte girl that she is beautiful and precious.
@@lunalu552 I'm so sorry you were treated so deplorable and dehumanizing. Sending u hugs galore n support to encourage your gorgeousness.
I can relate with 56 years of that kind of mistreatment from my parents all the way up to the man I married 22 yrs, and how Society continues to repeat it over and over against moral individuals.
Being scapegoated is murder.
Living death.
Beyond crushing.
It crushes your soul and your spirit.
It crushes your truth and your choice.
Crushes your career n your character.
Crushes your basic human rights.
But there's something in US girl that stands for our truth n beauty.
Ain't no liar monster can steal that.
Ever!
And I will stand for truth, God, and moral law till my last fucking breath siStar.
I have survived monsters.
A Ted Bundy type ex hub.
I can relate to your pain, and validate your feelings WITH you as a sister.
How unfair and immoral these acts of betrayal are. May you find healing and restorative energy to know what a gorgeous deserving beautiful loving caring woman you are.
What dignified truth you own.
What a beautiful centered mind you have.
And what efficacy and skill set you own, that you can go hulksmash barriers down as an advocate for all of the voiceless and innocent that have been harmed so despicably like us.
We need to BE the change we so desperately need to see in the World.
I'm on the front lines catching monsters now.
I'm sick of them creating perpetual horror stories in little toddlers lives let alone grown adults of the same punishment for being beautiful.
Girl...i ain't sitting back no more allowing it.
We survived monsters n still have loving caring hearts.
That's beyond beautiful.
That's a BADASS!
This had me bawling my eyes out for multiple reasons. Jay, I'm definitely going to do your course in the near future, of the many good therapists on UA-cam it's you who is consistently chiming with me. Thank you so much!!! 🙏💕
I would like to take his course too but how do people afford $500?
The part about trusting your therapist really hit home. I recently began a new search for a therapist after many, many years of bad therapists, finding a fabulous 1, went about 5 years, made more progress than ever in my life but then he retired. I have chronic lateness, working on it but never wanting to be late after a certain point for appointments with him. He never shamed me & even told me not to drive too fast, he wanted me to get there safely. I looked forward to our sessions & not longer wanted to short myself any time there. I once had a psychiatrist refuse to see me when I was 12 minutes late. The counselor at that office told me my problem was that I was irresponsible. He told me to come back the next day. I wouldn't. It was humiliating. I recently went to 2 different psychologists to evaluate them. Now I see why I'm leaning towards 1 more than the other, just like my old Dr, he immediately empathized with me. You've got to feel like they're in your corner!
The clip made my cry both times but was helpful for me to understand what I need in a new therapist. Thanks!
A sadistic mother tells her child that they're ugly
What a wonderful woman! Her kindness could heal the world!
This video made me cry..🙏
I think I was around 9 years old when I asked my mother why I was so weird. Then she asked me who said that to me and stuck that idea in my mind.
My honest answer was: you.
I'm amazed I had the guts to say it to her. By the way, nothing changed, I'm still the stranger, the outsider, the weird one although some friends told me I am the most normal and coherent person they have known.
No contact is the chance to get irrational, negative core beliefs out of your mind ll. You can't heal in the same environment which made you sick, sad and excluded.
I have identified with that child so much when she started crying. It is beautiful to see how the lady handed the situation. She will become a great teacher.
God bless them both ❤
I remember when I first saw this video. I was raising two step daughters at the time. My FIRST thought was to be afraid for the child IF she was being "exploited" in any way. BTW I think she is a STUNNING child and to want to be a Teacher? WHAT AN ANGEL!
I know that a four year old cannot grasp the concept of exploitation and therefor doesn't "feel used" but I am sure she has seen the adverts and the SHOCKINGLY blatant manipulation of photos that are unobtainable goals!
I myself was HORRIFICALY picked on in school. And was raised by narcissistic parents and was the scapegoat child. I was abused by my siblings occasionally and had my nose broken by a BOY in 3rd grade and then again by my SISTER after I got it fixed when I was 18. SO I walked in SHAME with a "boxer's" nose for most my life!
I do like how he uses this as an "example" of how to respond to a child sayin that she is ugly. I would have given MY LIFE to have such an understanding woman in my corner. My response from a parent or sibling to "I am ugly" would be and had been. "who cares? You are NOT the most important thing you know!" AND what I heard a LOT from my Mother " NO BODY has the time to THINK ABOUT YOU"!
So sorry. .
Hugs to the little girl of you.. 🥰
Thank you for providing steps for healing. Many of us have lived decades with the burden of our failures. How refreshing to be able to unload those burdens and learn to accept ourselves as normal.
What an incredible moment. Gosh.
Thank you for sharing this incredible and heartfelt moment. This little girl is so precious and the love and care the woman exhibited for the little girl will have an impact to that little girl's self worth.
I never cried or showed vulnerability with my parents. I remember how awkward and embarrassed I was when my mom learned that I got my period in 5th grade. It was a Saturday in May 1992, I was hiding in the bathroom with the lights off. My mom was running through the house looking for me because yet again she was angry with me. I often relate this to Miss Trunchbull, the mean principal in the movie "Matilda". Finally my mom found me, she twisted the doorknob to open the door but I had locked it. She then started banging on the bathroom door demanding I open it. I refused and sat in the darkness. She continued punching the door and told me she would break the door down if I didn't open it. So I got up and approached the door, I slowly unlocked it and carefully opened it. I could see my mom standing in the lit hallway, like a bull about to be unleashed in the running of the bulls. Then her demeanor suddenly shifted. She asked "what's wrong with you!". I was too scared to answer. "Why do you look pale, are you sick?" she asked with a puzzled look on her face. I forget what I told her that day but it was enough for her to conclude I had gotten my period. Suddenly she grabbed me and hugged me, instead of being hit I was now standing in the bathroom doorway with my mom embracing me. I stood there with my arms at my sides, standing still and holding my breath. She got emotional and loudly announced to my father that I had gotten my period. I continued to stand there as this 200 pound woman embraced me. I was too scared to move because being in close proximity to my mom meant violence, so her touch felt unnatural to me since she never hugged me. I was embarrassed that my mom had announced this news to the entire household. I didn't quite know what was happening to me as an 11 year old but I knew it was private and now it was being broadcasted to my dad, two brothers and sister. I had a sister who is two years older than me and it would be a few more years before she experienced getting her period. Things seemed to happen to me first... even being "the first teenager" in the house since my sister preferred reading books and I preferred to explore and be adventurous with my friends.
I find it tragic when I think back to that day, it was supposed to be a coming of age experience and instead it was trauma filled. My parents were not safe or unavailable to me with their neglect, so I never told them if I was injured. I kept everything to myself. My mom would scold me and say "why do you hide your injuries from me, you need to tell me when you get hurt". But I didn't, she was not safe.
I find it interesting that as my mom chased me through the house that day my father and siblings response to it foreshadowed how they would behave for a lifetime. My siblings all scurried and hid as my mom raged looking for me and my dad sat silently reading his newspaper in the living room. They all needed me to be the scapegoat and none of them lifted a finger to help, not even when my siblings became adults.
I cried reading your story as much as I did watching the video 😢❤️
I carried that shame into adulthood. Somehow blaming myself for this embarrassing experience.
Through guidance provided by, Jay Reid and others, I started focusing on healing. I didn’t know our childhoods played a big role in how we are as adults. I read a book last year called “Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect”. This book allowed me to “parent” myself and provide the nurture I needed since I experienced so much neglect as a child.
Thank you for your kind words.
@@taniabluebell3099 I loved "Matilda" too. Thank you for sharing. I can relate to the feeling of no privacy growing up.
Thank you. Some movies/books capture these villains accurately.
That video almost made me cry, god bless that woman for helping that sweet baby.
It's such a heartbreak that this little girl has been treated so badly that when this lady is sweet to her, it overwhelms her into crying. I've got tears, now. But what's good is, this moment of being told she's beautiful is probably one she will hang onto tightly in hard times for the rest of her life. Because of this, she will be able to feel better about herself than she would have growing up without this advice to hold dear.
I have tears ...how could someone have hurt that child that way?
Hi Jay, I see your perspective, but I feel like the woman was not letting the girl feel her feelings. I felt like she was very unomfortable with the girl's emotions and was trying to "fix" her without asking her any questions. She told her not to cry. She told her her feelings were not valid. She told her her beliefs were not valid without even exploring what exactly was the root of the belief. People have done this to me my whole life. "Don't cry" to a four year old. Yeah...push that down cause the adults cant handle it. "You gotta be happy all the time" What??? Really??? "You are so beautiful (like that changes everything just cause she said that) In my opinion, she was invalidating and instead of letting the girl feel her feelings, she got her to feel the way She wanted her to feel. It was not a good experience to see the little girl shut down and not even want her hair done. But ... she even did that anyway. I respect you, but I don't think making a four year old stop crying and suck her emotions up is a win. We still don't know why she said that. We can only make assumptions until we ask the little girl. But now she won't answer honestly because she was just told that those kinds of words are bad. This was a great learning experience, but not good therapy. It almost made me cry.
When I was watching this, I thought “This little girl is truly pretty”. Who is telling her that she is ugly???
These toxic people are so damaging!
Hair braiding lady and bub made me cry like a baby. They are beautiful. Bless🙏💕👼i avoid mirrors…
Does anybody else feel sad that their narcissist parent was damaged?
Yes I do
No.
Maybe your parent is not a narcissist
I feel s'adresse for her but sadder for myself, not that i am a mother it is even more unbelievabale that she did not love her child
My mother was NOT...she was a pampered princess...
that mom? woman, made me cry! what a wonderful person. I was bawling. What she did was life changing...
Hi 👋 Doc. Jay,..thank you so much and much love to you🌻
My brother, ultimately died as a result of scapegoat narcissism abuse, initially being made mentally handicapped from extreme abuse as a toddler, and then being made to live chained to his bed up untill the 10th grade. As a way to feel needed by my father or I'm not sure exactly why but my mother would rat him out, tell on him -example, when he was in the sixth or seventh grade and found with pack of rolling papers and resulting more abuse. I said to her "what the h?ll is wrong with you"?
I know she was a co-dependent and I recently came to the conclusion there was narcissism in her as well.
Chuck was jumped by my two nephews (children of one of the Golden Sisters) 3 weeks before he died of diagnosed congestive heart failure at the one-year - mark, when he was told upon being diagnosed, he would have up to 2 years at
34y/o and my mother viciously
(she actually snarled and growled when she said it) told me do not call the police
"don't you dare call the police".
At the time, I had not yet learned what narcissism was and they were in complete control of me, all of them.
Can you please also help us with some videos on what the heck was wrong with the parent who wasn't the narcissist ?
When finally learning what narcissism was at age 50 now being 55, I immediately realized my father was a narcissist, -actually he was a psychopath too.
I may not be where I want to be but I darn sure ain't where I used to be, I recovered from 50 years of chronic headaches, I don't have headaches anymore. I have to avoid one particular ingredient, to do so I must eat 100% organic. I am also a survivor of scapegoat narcissism abuse.
I bought the house we grew up in that Chuck was chained up in from my mother 18 years ago.
The price was very inexpensive, I knew it wasn't going to be healthy for me living here, I didn't plan on being here this long but I had no idea what I was in store for. Within a matter of weeks flashbacks started and headaches mounted and the two golden children, ran a shame campaign on me that's probably still on - going.
And I was written in the Will
My narcissistic father I believe, instructed them on how to steal the money just before he died, being able to get away with it and leaving me with nothing to pay an attorney to fight for it oh, I was supposed to inherit $700,000. Going through dark and hard years, I then got stuck here however I'm currently working on a plan to fix this house up and sell it, and I get better everyday.
Chuck died not knowing what narcissism abuse was.
My point is, I appreciate you.
You are a precious Soul and thank you so much for your help, thank you for helping all of us.
Oh my. Sending you and your brother's spirit much love and good wishes for your turnaround. Re your physical health, the Medical Medium 'cleanse to heal' book will definitely help you, it has brought me back from the brink, a bonus is that my food sensitivities have dramatically improved. 💕
You have to be a strong kind person.
@ Self-Esteem : Jesus. Christ.
Questioning / disconfirming wrong beliefs. Control mastery theory. Thank you. Your website content is the first time i have felt someone truly understood what occurred in my family. Struggling with aftermath & guilt for letting myself be duped is mitigated by understanding it is attachment trauma.
I think she cried because the stern tone scared her. She seemed confused to me. I agree that everything the woman said was great and helpful- but she seemed startled and maybe ashamed for saying something that elicited that sudden aggressive response.
Exactly. Finally someone who understood it.
That little princess is so amazingly beautiful!!! My heart broke when she said that. I just can’t believe anyone would ever say anything like that to her. She is so pretty, when she started crying I felt that cry in my soul. I was that little girl. My stepfather told me I looked like a monkey and my family all enjoyed telling me that and laughing. I wish I could crush people that hurt children.
It is incredible how well Mr. Reid unravels the child-parent relationship in the narcissistic context. Thank you so much.
What I would also be interested in would be a series on the topic of developmental infantile narcissism (phenomenon per se, compared to NPD, the narcissistic collision with a narcissistic adult, coping with this developmental phase, etc.).
When the little girl started to cry, it made me tear up. This cute little muffin had been subject to painful feeling that she absolutely did not deserve. So glad she had a healing experience. My first such experience came at age 20. One year after I arrived in the US from Taiwan, I tried to kill myself by overdose. While in the ER, I overheard a nurse said I was so pretty. I had only heard the opposite from my. narc mother up until that moment. The social worker who came to talk to me told my father that my pain had something to do with my mother. I was too out of it to even remember what I said to the social worker. After being released from the hospital, I was referred to the county mental health service for counseling. That was the beginning of my search for answer for my pain. It took decades to get here.
Keep up the good work. I was crying too. How does one become comforted from the lies we were told? There is actually some comfort you in videos like these. That there is some relief from replacing those lies by first turning them into disbeliefs and then embracing truth, the better reality.
Your info is THE BEST. Very, very helpful. Thank you!
I cried so hard when I saw this. Bless this hairdressers heart. I got mixed messages that still confuse me. Narc mother was jealous of me and my father exploited me but I never knew it had anything to do with looks.All I knew was that men were always staring at me and my mother was angry at me.
As soon as the little girl broke down crying, I lost it.😭😢
Unfortunately I was in therapy for one full decade before narcissistic abuse was known. Three therapists believed the smear campaign that I was the abuser and my husband was the saint. Because I had been so gaslighted by him into submission, I did not even talk about my husband until the ninth year. Then when aggressive professional confrontation was directed to him, and my life was in danger, that sense of danger had been so firmly established throughout our marriage that I didn’t even report that I feared for my life! That was just what it was like to be married to a saint. I lived in this pressure cooker for 43 years, until his death, and now my children have picked up where he left off, and am in the presence of saints. This Monday is Christmas, and once again I will spend the day alone with all the coping skills that got me through my childhood and marriage - books and music. Thank God for books and music (and a nice fire in my buck stove:)
Thx video about the girl made me cry. Crying
I'm crying watching this girl.
It's me. I always tear up when someone says something good about me and I sense it's honest. I can sense when it's not honest too. But when it's honest, I tear up. Why is this happening? Is it because I was starved of good and honest messages my whole life?
Amazing video. Triggered me a little, but in a good way. My mom used to pinch my stomach and tease me as a kid.
I remember after about a year of therapy, I could hold my own gaze in the mirror without the inner critic saying anything. Was an amazing moment and continues to this day.
I think that there were many sweet moments in the video, and I really felt the empathy and good intentions from the hairdresser. But, I have to be honest In that the video was triggering to me. It felt a little jarring and that the little girl was being told how she should feel. I felt it would have been a good opportunity to downplay the importance of looks, while also highlighting that she is unique and beautiful In her own right, without it needing to define her or to be compared to others. The "don't make waves" part of me didn't want to comment. But, I'm hoping this can be a safe space for different views. Because we all have had different experiences, what may feel powerful to some, may be triggering to others
Albeit we only had a glimpse of the encounter between the little girl and the hairdresser I felt the empathy and the good intentions of the latter. However well meaning she scolded the little girl for feeling "ugly" and aggressively suggested positive attributes rather than explore the reasons that the little girl felt inadequate. She was shouting at the other children to "shut up" and go into the other room probably because she wanted to devote her full attention to the little girl. She encouraged the little one but asked if her teacher was mean to her which may or may not have been the source of the little girl's doubts. Again, as viewers we have no history of the relationship between the hairdresser and the child and can only guess at the larger story including the little girl's feelings of inadequacy. The hairdresser felt true empathy for the child and did her best to make things better.
I absolutely found it triggering too, the woman grabbing the kids head, my grandma used to do that to me and she was a big old narcissist! I wished I hadn't but I found it so triggering. Heart pounding as I watched the kid go stiff, was she just listening real intent or was she freezing like I thought I saw? So confusing, I always think I mistake body language but my therapist says the opposite, especially microexpressions. Still confusing.
I saw that too, but sometimes you have to start small and work your way up. When you are at negative zero, any little step up is worth it!
@@leaf4958 Yes, I don't think that was the hairdresser's intention, but feeling better at the expense of others doesn't feel good and can create division .
@@marymargaretpitts8889 It felt like scolding to me too, even if the intentions were good. It think that was part of why it was triggering for me.
This video, along with your words, went deep. 😭 thanks for the good cry, this morning.
I’m so happy somebody encouraged her, as it sure needs to be done at a young age.
Although, I grew up, believing that looks was everything. 😢 another form of abuse.
Thank You, Jay! I’m working on all this, getting better over time. Your content is exceptional.
What a lovely video, I cried for the little girl and my inner child who needed this growing up!
Thank you for your insight! That’s exactly how I felt when I started therapy, when my therapist made no issues about me being late. Wow everything makes sense.
We are more than what we look like. Our greatest asset and the marker of True Beauty is our Open Loving Heart.
The ideal parent will confirm to the child the high value of being a kind, caring, empathic person with healthy boundaries and self love.
We dont even have to teach these traits, they are inherent in the child, they only need to be nurtured and encouraged. Leading by example being the most powerful form of communication to both children and adults alike.
I have been consistently late... oh my... maybe I did want to prove she will get mad at me.. I think as I get emotionally closer to my therapist and it feels warmer, I show up on time more often.
10:16 I can hear the translation of her saying "I am not ugly, oh I am not ugly, you are my extention, don't cry, I am not ugly. "
That shit reminds me of my elders. One question was enough "Why do you feel that way babe?" And yet, everything is spoken that has no question mark at the end. 😶
Edit: IDK maybe I made projection, but I didn't feel comfortable. "Be that, do that, be the best", all I wanted and want to be is ordinary and sometimes to be sad. That is my wound.
Were you expected to be perfect in everything? Maybe that's the source of your reaction.
I was expected to be perfect and to smile all the time and at the same time everything good was stolen from me or I was constantly told how bad I am. I thought that if I'll be average (like my successful friends) then I would have a peaceful life and no longer be a prisoner of my mother who used my talents for her benefit but didn't allow me to use those talents for myself. I'm in my 40ties, still have nothing of my own. I cried watching this video. Sorry to bother you with my story 🙈❤
My mother (malignant covert narcissist) would use my overt psychopathic Marine father to bully terrorize and abuse me. I never knew I was beautiful until a out 5 years ago and only looking back e en then. She would stand aside and just behind my father sniggering nastily whole he would rage at me saying "Beauty's only skin deep - ut Ugly goes all the way through! Isn't that Right Laura!"
Awww she did so well w her.
I've watched Dr R. I don't know how to spell her name. However I really like your content more although hers help me understand my own situation and see reality. Yours is helping me stay sain till I'm able to get free myself for myself and especially my kids.
Thank you Jay for what you do. you’ve helped my sister and I more than I can ever explain. God bless you ✝️
Thank you, Jay, for your healing videos ❤
Hey there! Thanks for putting these videos up, it´s very helpfull. I´m wondering, could you make a video about the consequences of swinging back and forth from being a scapegoat to a golden child?
The clip was beautiful ❤
Thank you!
What a lovely video.
I fully understand the analysis of this video but I do see more than just one side of this coin.
For instance, notice the hair session is being filmed, maybe for the purpose of child safety or even for the
purpose of uploading the finished video to UA-cam as some kind of a promotional video. If the child was
in anyway aware that her hair session could make it onto social media then I think this also could be a
credible reason why the little girl claimed she was ugly, not worthy of social media, after all, infant girls &
teenage girls when dealing with glossy magazines & social media, they feel they are supposed to look a
certain way, everything being & looking just perfect when in fact all role models are, lets face it, air brushed.
Also, when the toddler mentions that she is ugly, the adult sounds shocked & begins to sound as if she is
telling the child off, look what happens, the little girl breaks down & starts to cry. The child is cuddled, as
the adult's voice becomes more empathetically soothing the child stops crying, the child is then stood on
the chair (Same height as the adult) face to face, the adult then switches between a more assertive voice
whilst exercising a slightly more soothing approach. Just a few different angles here but hey, we all see
the world through different eyes right. To be honest I thought the little boy (Who we only hear) was going
to tell the little girl how pretty she is, that would have tugged at my heart strings.
Yes. The little girl starte to cry because of the woman's reaction.🙄
Thank you so much ❤❤❤
What a great video Jay!!!
Awesome!!! This video brought tears to my eyes. It took me back to when I was 11. I came home and happily told my parents " cousin Jan said I was pretty!" My dad hugged me & said...." Yes you are, all of my girls are pretty". But my mom's reply was...." Well , you wouldn't be if you didn't have long hair & big eyes. You may be cute, but you're not pretty. People use the words pretty, gorgeous or beautiful too much! No one is beautiful". That shattered me. The little girl probably had a mean mom too. Thank You. Great video.
Wow. This was triggery... It was picture day, I was in 3rd grade. I dressed myself and did my hair. I was so proud, thought I looked cute. I was looking in the mirror proud of myself for putting myself together and I said "don't I look cute mom?" Her response - Looks aren't everything! After that my heart sank and I felt disgusting. I'm 43 still feel like I'm disgusting as a whole. Not even just looks. I'm heinous.
I am certain that the theraphy is great BUT you must find the theraphist who is qualified to narcissism and the childhood trauma. If you have had a narcissistic parent.
But it also first requires that YOU understand your state of being and WHY.
I had seeked for help from the theraphists, but none of them could help really.
I think that my cats are more helpful than any theraphist so far.
Poor girl - IMO the positive talk actually invalidated her self view. Went through having her self image invalidated/broken to reset it to something else, kind of like a broken leg that's started to heal the wrong way and needs to be broken again so it can be set in a healthy way. Though she's young I think that cry came from a much younger place in her. Probably from around the time the negative self image was first being inflicted on her.
The hairdresser needs to adopt this little baby girl.
Healing is fully possible you just have to take it seriously.
And thats when the girl starts to cry....and me too😩😫
Where were you when I needed you, is the question I asked my subhuman father. His answer is, well that’s too damn bad!
Those compliments had me criiiiine
I'd like a copy of your ebook, can't find the link. Anyone?
To the right of the title of this video, click on the little downward arrow. You’ll see Jay Reid’s free pdf book and his pay course. Click on the free ebook. I think you have to sign up with your email to receive the ebook. Each Sunday you’ll get an email notification for his next video. 💕
I had the worlds worse therapist
...she went on and on about how psychotic she thought I was......I'm.not IRS the abuse from a employer
🙏. Big exhale.
Unfortunately theres probably is also a racial aspect to why this little girl said this. I can imagine little white girls at school telling her that her hair is ugly or something stupid like that just because she doesnt have the same texture hair as them. Hence maybe why when she is getting her hair done, she says she is ugly. I love love that the hairdresser says shes got beautiful chocolate skin etc. Poor little girl I really hope that's not the case. Either way I wonder where she picked up this crazy belief from. Society is so harsh on women and their looks this hurts me to see someone so young feel like this. It starts young 😖 I love the hairdresser
You are so right, thanks for pointing this out. I was only 4 years old the first time I was excluded from playing with my classmates for being black. It starts early.💔
WHAT A RACIST COMMENT..."little white girls"..JESUS...
Why do we ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS have to go there? Perhaps if we ALL take responsibility to not constantly feed the narrative, the narrative would grow to be mute. Babies are not born racist. They LEARN IT. Did you ever consider that this child is only four, and if she's fortunate, may not understand the issue with her skin color, yet? Like she doesn't already have enough issues. Let's just feed her some more. Can we PLEASE at least make an effort to STOP feeding the narrative.
Exceptionally naiive, I know. But it's something.
Black kids are far more likely to diss each other like that. Get out more.
@@georgeluna8089 easy for you to say when you're not the one affected by it **massive eye roll**
❤❤❤
I just need to capture this idea, the abusive party needs to have the scapegoat be naive clueless or novice among the several dozen other abrasive antisocial beliefs that get entrained.
😭
we have similar and opposite interaactions in our family. as in length and intensity tho in a negative direction. as in devaluation. i practice saying thank you to complements or less so. for me i find it imposible to believe complements and believing falable and yet reliable seeing as i am not a priority. in therapy they have their own lives and things so really. good luck and have fun = gl hf.
i would like to say. id like mushrooms to be a safe topic of discusson related to crying and and suffering. a few months ago i did about 2 g. which is a small dose tho these mushrooms are pretty strong. i called a crisis centre cus agony. and mostly i fear being rejected cus on shrooms so gl. and yet i wasnt i and cried about having suicidal thoughts for as long as i can remember as in i had a plan when i was 8-9 as in i was going to hang my self with my brothers climbing ropes. anyways it was nice and yet she was maybe the one out of 7 that get it. those agonized cries are all to familiar to me. and i am a adult like 29.