Healing from narcissistic abuse by 'showing off'
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- Опубліковано 28 вер 2024
- In today's video, I'm going to explain how the survivor of narcissistic abuse can go to great lengths to avoid showing off in their current lives. Then I'm going to explain the importance of actually showing off in the development of a healthy sense of oneself.
And third, I'm going to explain the psychological dynamics that can lead to the scapegoat survivor feeling like they're uniquely forbidden to show off while others seem completely entitled to do so. And if you watch until the end, I'll offer an exercise, you can do in your own life to afford yourself more moments of showing off in this way to further your healing in, in the process of recovery from narcissistic abuse.
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silent smugness- that is what I was met with when I told a story, or did something of which I was proud. Then they would quickly change the subject to something about themselves. Curiosity about my life I think would be a mark of a safer person.
Do you ever find that you hope people will take an interest in you and when they do you're so surprised that you act all weird about it? Or is it just me? 😆
Wow! I experience the same thing! It's funny though how this experience makes you feel so isolated, like you are the only person going through something like this.
My mother for years told me "You should put your crafts in an art show!" And I'd explain that I knit socks and do cross stitch, not stuff that goes in art shows. Then, a couple years ago: "Hey mom! My embroidery got accepted into an art show!" Mom: "Oh. Your father and I are taking a trip to South Dakota!"
Recently when we did our self evaluations at work we were told that the one section was meant for us to share our strong points and talents. Our manager told us “ Don’t hold back. This is where you brag on yourself. This is what administration wants to hear.” When I got to that part, some of what I said was that I had a strong interest in and cared about people, I had high academic ability and I was a high grade thinker. It felt good because it is positive and true. When I received my evaluation, my manager 100% agreed and had no “needs improvement”. She said that any job I have done there I do well. Her only disappointment is that I went from full time to part time. I would not share this with my siblings because they would not be able to wrap their heads around this. I have accepted that when we are done with this life in their minds I am the loser and they are better than me. I try to keep everything superficial and have only small talk with them. I don’t think they are capable of going deep and I don’t trust them.
I had the same arms length relationship with my siblings too. I never thought I would include my siblings when I went No Contact with my parents. I thought I could have a limited relationship with my two brothers. But even as men in 30s with their own families my brothers would betray my trust and serve me up to my parents - much like they did when we were children. Despite it being very difficult I cut ties with them too. I’ve come to realize the relationship was very one sided. It was always me making the effort. Most of all my brothers never protected me or defended me despite witnessing the abuse.
@Tania Bluebell I have been reevaluating these one-sided relationships with the adult relatives in my life for some time. The deciding factor was when my daughter’s father passed away and the only person in my family that acknowledged it was my sister. I have 2 married brothers, 2 sisters, 1 brother-in-law and many nieces and nephews. I felt bad for my daughter. Her in-laws and co-workers were more caring. However, I still want relationships with my great nieces and nephews. They are a fresh, young generation that this dysfunction needs to stay off of.
@@marycrowley1442 There is no hope for this new generation if they are being raised by NPD parents. My brother and sister each have 2 children and each one has a major problem. My nephew is homeless and niece in and out of hospital for anorexia. There's absolutely nothing I can do and have incurred the entire family's wrath for trying to reach out to these kids since I know what it means to be the scapegoat and only be given "tough love", which is what my sister, especially, likes to do to her son who desperately needs help.
I'm sorry the lack of care carried to your daughter with their indifference to her father passing away.
I'm glad to hear you were not alienated from your nieces and nephews, that typically doesn't happen.
Well done on your performance review at work. I'm glad your boss gave you recognition.
"Don't cast your pearls before swine". Meaning your good news would have been spoiled by their indifference. I personally loved when something good happened in my life and my mom and two sisters were the last to know. Then suddenly they would be "interested" in me. But really it was them fishing for information. It was my turn to be indifferent. It was fun to watch them suck up to me when all my life I was the one chasing them.
@Fire Horse What an amazing purpose for you to be a strong, caring presence in your niece and nephew’s life. I was in a situation in the 1990’s like your nephew. I realized that the only person that wouldn’t reject me was my cousin who was a farmer. As it turned out I didn’t end up living with him on his farm but it gave me hope that there was one person in this world that truly cared about me. You are giving your niece and nephew hope by just being you.
As a child, my mom noticed my ability to draw and passion to design. Until I was an adult she would INSIST on choosing my clothes for me and insisted that fashion design was a "stupid" profession.
Similar experience here. I’m glad you have this passion & hope you get to enjoy it!
But I have made the switch to design - it’s been really challenging but worth it and so fun
When I was a kid I would lose myself in drawing to the point that my grandparents bought me a roll of butcher paper. In seventh grade I got into a gifted and talented program. I had a project and part of it was doing a book report where I had to design the cover. The book was about a famous guitar player so I drew an elaborate instrument and the title fanciful letters. My teacher was really impressed and for parent night put my project in a prominent display. All my narc dad could say was, “it looks like you spent more time on the cover than on the book report“. After that I stop drawing. No surprise, I am much more focused on writing today.
@@tiptopdadddy that sounds like such a cool drawing
@@tiptopdadddy I'm so sorry this happened to you. My mother has spent the last 10 years preparing my scrapbook of childhood memories. She gave my sister and brother theirs' at least 5 years ago. The last time I saw her at Christmas 2017 she had all of my wonderful artwork, stories and poems and yes, I was very gifted, too. Somehow, I ended up in the Juvenile Detention Home and flunked 2 years of high school but finally graduated, went to university, started a career and got the hell out of there (Been in France 20 years now). Anyways, I am almost total No Contact with my parents. Last time I spoke with her, she kept dangling the carrot of this damn scrapbook and how much she was working on it. She's 80. If she didn't get it done during Covid lockdown in Florida, it's NEVER going to happen. I told her to just burn the stuff. Take it outside and set a fire. Everything in that scrapbook just represents my lost potential.
Once again, you are describing my relationship with my mother, perfectly! When I was a child I was smart, talented and pretty. To make matters worse, I could see right through my mother and her attempted manipulation. The school labeled me "highly gifted" and skipped me ahead a grade. As you might imagine, this was the kiss of death for me, which resulted in a lifelong fear of shining, in any way. I couldn't take a compliment, underachieved in school, sabotaged vocal performances and even hid in a bathroom stall at the hotel where we had our senior dinner, when it was time for my name to be called to accept an award. I will be 60 years old, next week, and a video of me singing my original song about Mister Rogers has gone viral with over 4 million views, and counting! I am proud to say, I dont feel ashamed and I am telling the world! I hope others who suffer will find the strength to overcome, thanks to great practitioners like you, and my therapist, and will learn that it's safe for them to shine, shine, shine!!
Wow, that's such a positive and inspirational comment! Congrats on going viral!!!
@@pelletier4432 Thank you, so much! Seeing this video, this morning, inspired me to write a piece about my story and I'm sending it out to a few publications. I hope it can inspire others who are healing from this type of abuse. Thank you for your support. I hope your story has turned around, as well!
@@AlisongsLA Yes, your sharing does inspire and should be shared! It gets so much better with time. People should know that. ❤
Have seen your piece on Meddium "Show and Tell" referencing Jay's video here as your inspiration to write about your story. Jay's explanation here docvetails so well with the description you give here but at more length on Medium, of your history of narcissictic abuse at the hands of your mother. Well done. I found both this vidoe of Jay's and and your comment here and your piece at greater length profound.
I heal from narcissistic abuse by having fun
I wish that I could do this. Wherever I go I'm met with sorrow and bad company. It's never ending
My family was weird. In some ways we were encouraged to try to show off an accomplishment so that my narc mom could have a reason to say that it wasn't as good as we thought. I eventually learned get out in front of it by always saying, "I know this is no big deal but..." I only recently stopped doing this in my 40s.
If I don't share they can't hurt me
This is so true. There is no great level of beyond your dreams achievement they cannot manage to drag down to less than ... (substitute anything). How I wish I had managed to achieve immunity from those horrible people. You can be on a golden career road and those who would, in a normal family, be closest to you are making sure you cannot succeed, and because it's your mother you just cannot work out what the problem (with yourself) is.
Yes. They might be nice to me for 5 minutes but only to mine for info they could hurt me with. There wss nothing but betrayal.
Omg yes! ANy time I make a meal or do an art or whatever I have to fight the urge to nit pick it to shreads before the other person can.
I love your videos. I feel these dynamics happened in my enmeshed family. Not sure how narcissistic they are, but codependency and low self esteem seem to produce similar actions and non-attunement to a kid. It's really sad when "showing off" seems to deeply hurt the people who claim to care about me.
Being able and willing to show off in safe relationships is a beautiful and sure sigh of healing from narcisisticly abusive relationships. Thank you for raising This topic.
Even just the titles of these videos shows how pretty well you know your craft, Jay. These are the EXACT issues I face after living 20 years with an NPD parent. Thank you.
I started a social media account a few years ago where I post pictures of my different projects, mainly the dishes I cook or desserts I make. In the beginning, I would be overcome with fear and panic every time I posted. That’s not gone completely, but it’s much better now. I’m a great cook, and I like trying new things. I get really positive feedback on my posts, and that feels good. I think it has helped in my recovery. Thanks Jay!
This! I often feel as though I have to keep myself small, because I feel it will dim others light/shine. So strange.
Me too.
Yes
Omg I feel the same. I’m on such a huge journey for healing and I am SO gonna show off everything I do
I think it’s great to encourage kids to show off. Or at least give them affirmations on what they’re good at.
It is
You must have been the cutest kid, Jay! ❤
Grew up with a mom that was controlling af and her criticisms and frustration with not getting her way was felt way deeper than her encouragement, validation, and love. It seemed that the former outweighed the latter and so I began to be self-critical and controlling of myself. I inherited her neurosis and victim mindset and a bunch of other traits I don't really care for. Its been a loathsome and liberating journey but everyday I think more level-headed about my self-worth.
I chose an art form that's inherently braggadocios and self-entitled because I never felt comfortable being that way growing up. I felt I had to be small to please others. But I always dreamed big. I still get down on myself but but my actions and purpose are maturing to fit my true expression. And this video really helps put into context what I went through and why I need to keep showing up for myself the way I have been.
Oh gosh…. So much here- layers and layers. Thanks Jay. I need go back over this, more than once.
When I was in grade school our class performed a square dance routine on stage for the parents in the audience. I was nervous and excited to show off for my mother. When it was over and I returned to my seat my mother took my hand to leave. Turned out she was having a panic attack. This is one of those deniable plausibility things because she was going through a nervous breakdown along with panic attacks at the time, but I always felt that she had the attack because she didn't want to see me get any attention. She never said a word about my performance afterwards. A normal mother would have told their child that they were sorry about what happened and to say something nice about the performance.
Thank you for this free piece of advice. It will help me shed the victim mindset.
I swear man it’s like you can read my mind and see what crap I had to put up with
I didn’t tell anyone that I have an Ivy League doctorate until a few years ago (I’m 55!) because I was embarrassed by it. I’m still slightly embarrassed by it. My parents still treat me like I’m “stupid and incompetent” to this day. I think I pursued this degree to maybe prove to myself I wasn’t stupid and incompetent (it didn’t work …). It’s only been in the past couple of years that I’ve started to drop this self conception of me as stupid and incompetent. I still can’t believe how they fully made me feel like such an idiot all these decades. They are manipulative and “clever.”
thanks dr. jay again 💛 this validation and that reality that this is not okay, not your place that the narcissistic parent or sibling put you in or told you is true about you
I’m so sorry your mom was so wicked to you thank you for these videos
I actually got an instagram account for this reason. It's been so healing
I was 10 years old walking into baskin robbins. Two agents came up to me and gave their professional cards to my mom wanting me to sign and represent them! I was thrilled. However my disgusting threatened jealous mom threw the card away. I was crushed😮 for the next decade I kept bringing it up . Finally at age 26 I was atminded to NYU TISH acting. What a personal achievement! I was thrilled! Not a congratulations! So jealous and hateful. How did I get so unlucky from an ugly mean mom.
Hell yeah! This is a great idea /treatment
Thank you
This is so enlightening!!! Thank you Jay.
Thank you so much for these videos!
If I shine, and show my true self, others get angry and make sure to put me in my place. It is better to just hide and stay small, cause I can no longer battle the hate simply because I exist. My existence is offensive!
I kept things to myself but took my guard down and regret it now
This is a great video! Very helpful! Thank you.
My Narc mother answered recently a text message in such a negative way that I could not help but to react to it in a disrespectful way. Shortly after that I stood up from my chair and twisted my foot so badly that it got swollen. Days later still in pain, have to see the doc soon because of it. And I wonder how could that happen? Was I wrong for not being able to take negativity anymore
Is it helpful to connect a text conversation with the results of how you stood up from your chair, as in, 'twisting my foot was punishment for how I responded to my mother'? Maybe you stood up funny because you were upset. That certainly doesn't mean you 'should have' continued to tolerate her negativity. Perhaps, though, it would be helpful to develop some tools to help calm your nervous system, so upsets like that don't result in clumsiness ... because we DO get clumsy when our nervous systems are dysregulated.
@@charissaschalk5175 thank you
@Cactus Flower thank you, you're right
Can you please do a video on why we are hardwired to empathize with them?
I am scared of being a narcissist myself if I show off
Really appreciate you sharing this.
Are you accepting clients, do you do video zoom sessions?
OMG😳 Showing off? Sounds dangerous...I'll try though
As a young kid I was always bored in school but I would read voraciously. My grades were mediocre and my teachers thought maybe I had a learning disability but my dad just told me I was lazy. They brought in these two people from a local university to give me two days of testing and pulled me out of class. For the first time I could remember I actually felt stimulated, challenged and validated. I finished the test in less than a day and was heartbroken when they sent me back to my regular classroom. Soon after that there was a conference with my parents, me, my classroom teacher and the two people who gave me the testing. Though I was only in third grade they told my parents I was reading at a high school level and was simply not the right learning environment for an extremely bright child. They recommended that I be advanced two grade levels and my dad said no, that I was just “lazy”. After that my grades were mostly mediocre though excellent in a few subjects, I hated school and never could excel in a traditional learning environment. I was constantly in punishment for bad grades throughout high school. As an adult I try to go back and get a seconddegree in college after barely graduating the first time. I would have terrible panic attacks and do everything I could to procrastinate and keep from doing my work even though it was a subject that interested me. To this day I am very careful share anything I do of a creative or intellectual nature.
A very similar thing happened to me at around 3rd grade and then in forth grade my whole class took an iq test and I had the highest score and the 2nd best score was held the another introvert child in class and when the teacher announced it to the class they all including the teacher erupted in laughter and I felt so stupid and small and embarrassed she constantly brought it up and said "I know your just lazy" when I would go to her and ask for help.
@@The_green_zebra i’m so sorry. Some people have no business teaching children. I tell my own kids that most people who go into education are from the bottom third of their graduating classes and generally mediocre. I often think of that scene in Little Man Tate when the boy reads his poem and the dullard teacher is completely flabbergasted. That was my experience as a boy and I’ve always refused to let teachers treat my kids with anything less than respect. We all deserved to be recognized for our gifts instead of beaten down in to a narrow frame of conformity and mediocrity.
❤️
@@hollybock8463 I was very lucky to have kids with physical challenges mainstreamed into my elementary school. I made friends with them and we would play at recess. I think we both felt alone. I worked in group homes while in college. To this day I’ve still got a heart for special kids. All I can say is that the bell curve is most cruel to those of us on the margin.
Thank you for this free piece of advice. It will help me shed the victim mindset.
Hello Jay, again you have hit a home run. Your video not only validates my childhood, but also affirms of how I am raising my 11 yr old son. He is with his narcissistic father 50 percent of the time which scares the crap out of me. But I have to concentrate on my roll and continue to be loving, caring and supporting of him in the healthy ways you mentioned. Thank you for your videos.
Isn’t it crazy how those childhood patterns program us on who we are attracted to, but also shed light on breaking the cycle?
@@tiptopdadddy Yes, absolutely. Breaking that cycle is so important. I have enough awareness and presence in me that when my son shows any kind of negative emotion, (yelling, arguing and trying to get his way,) I remain calm and don't take it personally, which my parents didn't. My father had such a fragile ego. I think by not matching my son's negative emotion and remaining calm, diminishes the negative emotion in him. He knows that this behavior gets him silence and no reaction from me. When he's positive and thinking healthy, he's gets love, reassurance, and acceptance, which is now getting to be most of the time. : D
I feel for you. I did the same with my daughter, the love of my life. Sadly, as an adult, she has aligned with her dad and I'm faced with the possibility that she may have learned his Narcissistic ways, herself. Fortunately for you, you have a son. They tend to be more aligned with their mothers. Hoping you have a better outcome than I am having. 🙏❤
That’s very tough. Yes hang in to your part. Diane Poole Heller has great talks on attachment. She talks about kind eyes and a beam gleam. Just that nice warm, loving presence in simple everyday moments.
@@AlisongsLA Try not overthink the narcissistic traits with her. Be steady, boring old steadiness in a great thing. I wouldn’t be so sure on the gender thing, also loads of young adults today are extremely self focused and seem to take a long time growing up. Boring old steady, takes inner strength and wisdom. 😊
I’m 44 and all this time that I was gaslighted; your mind tricks you by feeling bad and think that your mother (only parent) just trying to make you stronger. In a way « yes » until they rinse you out your last positive energy. In my case, I really wanted to make sure what a narcissist can do so I played along, but you do not wanna do that! It can ruin you in so many ways! The best thing to do is be alone, where you can reboot yourself to think clearly and be in your good space. Your family visits should not be longer than normal if you have a Narcissist abuser in them.
3 show off things:
Great cooking
Surfing today
Walking
I agree with all you said
Your videos are incredible. Thank you. Very helpful.
As a five year old I took my cheap stamp kit to school and one of the boys stole it and put it in his bag. I told the teacher ( she actually saw him stealing my gear) but she did nothing. Eventually I took my stamp kit from his bag and the teacher grabbed my arm and shook me. The teacher knew my parents didn't speak very good English yet and I would get hit by my mother for losing my toy. I never took anything to show and tell again or participated in show and tell no matter how angry my idiot teacher got. Til this day I never share any good news or anything new I may be proud of. Being a child migrant sux and fifty years later I still remember show and tell and that scummy teacher.
I’m so sorry that happened to you!
This is my issue. I find it very difficult to overcome and also, if I am not careful who I try to " brag" to, they get triggered. Back to the drawing board for me when it comes to determining safe people. 🙃
In truth, I feel this issue is a silent pandemic. I see so many intelligent, capable and kind people standing back. No shade. I guess I'm not the only one who finds this hard to do.
💯💯💯
Do it anyway
Seems to me what you call "bragging" is an excellent tool to use to determine safe people. Today, for example my best friend was so happy for me when I gave her all the juicy details about my new man who I'm crazy about. However, my family is only happy when I tell them how much I am struggling, depressed, etc. (Don't talk to them any more. Gray rock rocks!) If somebody disapproves of you getting a promotion, going to the gym, winning the lottery, whatever, that's a clear sign to drop them like a hot potato. Safe people want to celebrate your successes with you ;-)
@@firehorse9996 are you a fire horse?
@@dapsolita Yes. Chinese zodiac.
I think it might be called imposter syndrome, where I inherently feel others are more deserving of things. This includes praise which was very foreign to me. I had rare experiences of praise growing up and it was received from non-family members.
I remember how upset my best friend's mother was when I got passed up for a solo in 8th grade concert choir. My friend's mother said I was the most talented singer and should have gotten the part. The juxtaposition at home was my mom blamed me for not getting the solo and said it was my fault. My mom shared a story with me at the time which I now question if it even happened. Apparently my mom had ran into my choir teacher and my choir teacher told her that "Tania doesn't take direction well and goes rogue, it was too risky to give her the solo". I remember how terrible I felt since I had always performed on cue and never had this problem. What nobody knew, not even my best friend or her mom, was that my mom would openly mock me at home when I sang. My mom even encouraged my siblings to mock me, which they did. I eventually gave up singing at home and singing all together. It wasn't until college that I picked up singing again when I took a voice class as an elective. My talent not only resumed but improved since I was allowed to sing without the fear of mockery. Eventually I joined the young adult choir at the church my family attended. This progressed to me doing regular solos and eventually performing songs by myself. Sometimes during my solos I'd inadvertently make eye contact with my mom, she sat there in the audience with a smug face. She never told me good job but was happy to receive praise on my behave when people in the community expressed to her how much they liked my singing voice. I would watch her from the sidelines as she reveled in the attention she was getting because of my talent.
Ugh, it always comes back to somehow be about them. Good job not giving up your talent!
True. It's always about them. I should have mentioned my mother is not a singer. So her suddenly becoming the "expert" on how to sing properly is just another example of her grandiosity.
@@taniabluebell3099 You know, I already assumed she didn't sing or have interest musical pursuits LOL!
I’m really sorry you went through that. My life is sort of similar except it wasn’t talent that my caretakers openly mocked it was physical aspect as I grew. I’ve been shamed and not really encouraged until adulthood except for I have lasting effects now. It’s pretty hard to shine and be bold after years of feeling not good enough. I’m learning and slowly healing though. Glad to see you were able to rise above all that. Your mom is evil btw.
Michelle- I’m sorry you were not only neglected but shamed just for being you. Their use of mockery showcases how immature they are.
Their mockery was not limited to my talent. I was outgoing and friendly. If my mom saw me interact with someone I was forced into to listen to her “play by play” as soon as we got in the car. She would imitate me and make fun of me for me being me. She accused me of being fake. I didn’t know until a couple years ago that all my mom’s outbursts were rooted in jealousy.
Your family targeted you because they were jealous. It might be hard to see it. But they pick on people because they want what they have. They’re just too immature to admit it, so instead they prey on that person and try to destroy their confidence because the narcissist feels entitled to the talents or anything else we embody such as physical features.
I hope you’ve gone no contact with your family. I did and I don’t feel guilty anymore. I’m angry - righteously angry. Sorta like the face Katniss Everdeen made at the end of “Hunger Games” when she found out district 12 was destroyed.
I just had a big light bulb moment that I never considered because of watching this video. You’ve been the best at understanding the role of a scapegoat, your advice to overcome it is highly applicable the moment after it’s leaned. It’s starting to change my life.
(I’m an only-daughter of a narcissist mother)
me too
I could hug you through my screen.
😭😢😭😭
Thank you, exactly right! I am so glad I watched this today.
Your videos have made more sense than any of the other therapists I have followed on UA-cam, and I think they are pretty great too! Your explanations of why narcissistic parents treat us the way they did helps me understand that it wasn’t something defective or evil in me that resulted in every type of abuse. My mother would have found someone to abuse if it hadn’t been me. I believe it was my father first until he finally divorced her when I was 5 or 6. It makes me feel better to think that it wasn’t me but something inside of her that made her treat me like that. She refused to open the letters from the national honors society or acknowledge anything I did well. At my college graduation she evidently was triggered by the Phi Beta Kappa and Magna cum Laude. She took me aside and said she wanted me to remember that she would always be better than I am. She was taught by her mother, as was I, that pride was a very bad thing. I had an aunt that told people that I had delusions of grandeur because someone told her I was doing well in college and was well thought of in my department. I had a meltdown during and after college but got some help. I have had a great marriage all these years and a pretty happy life, but in my 70s I still have to get emotional tune ups. I really appreciate your help!
7:22 This.!!! I have to work on it. Inner voice says "Nobody will give a sh$t about you are going to say".
I had an 8th grade teacher who seemed to take great joy in demeaning certain pupils. He held a mock trial in our class room. He chose me, an orphan, to play the defendant.
I was the only witness. I had 31 pairs of eyes on me mocking me just like the teacher.
I pled guilty and walked off the stand. That teacher lost his job a couple months later. He grabbed me by the hair as I was trying to get away from him. As he pulled me backwards, he kicked me in the kidneys. I was afraid to report it for fear that I would get in trouble.. I did however refuse to go back into the class with that dude. My classmate told his parents and Richard (DICK) Calise was fired.
@@marimeis6265 I was raised by jackals. School was my only safe space to show up. I believe that guy had found a scapegoat to rally popular support from the other students.
I sat at a picnic table instead of going back into that room for what felt like months. I dont know what mechanisms removed him from that class but the Nuns were very kind to me in the mean time. I imagine my friend Don talked to his parents. As if I didnt have enough problems with authority. To this day, when I see scapegoating going on, I bristle and speak out. I was a mechanic for Trek Bicycles. They had a revolving door of store managers. The latest had no experience. They got her from the military. She took aim at an employee who is trans. That manager was openly mocking our friend. The manager said that HR and Legal were OK with the treatment,
I emailed the owner of Trek Bicycles. He assured me that I wouldn't be retaliated against. It was a lie. I was immediately harassed.
My trans friend kept her job. The stunning thing was the silence in the face of injustice. People just clam up when someone else gets marginalized
@@pavanatanaya We want the world to be fair and it hits harder to know what injustices and cruelty do to people from a personal standpoint. Our inner children scream for sure.
@@pavanatanaya That's because most people are big GIANT chicken's! And then they tell US to toughen up when we are having symptoms from our trauma's
OMG..I LOVE your openness..I burst into tears ..
I was right back in school..when my drawings were shown, when I was moved from beginner band right to first flute second chair in the big band, when I was asked to read an essay in advanced English...and knew it would be mocked at "home."
All i can say is implementing this show and tell is way too challenging. I cannot recall a single instance where i did not regret telling someone something was going good for me.
Agree… it has to be safe people… it’s sad that so many people aren’t really happy for other people’s accomplishments… especially when they have someone who can rejoice sincerely in theirs. The only way to find out if someone is trustworthy is to trust them (to try~to share and then see their response) I think it was Mark Twain who said that. It’s going to be wonderful to find a tribe like this… I think it’s so rare, maybe even especially now, because of how hierarchical society is… and on so many superficial things. Love is seen as cheesy, corny in this world when it’s actually the only edifying thing. I think of the humans who were lucky enough in time and tribal culture to experience loving and fun community and closeness, dancing and singing around fires, laughter, love, natural confidence and Spirituality🔥 we’re way out of natural human order now, we’ve learned so much but not nearly enough of what really matters
Now I get the why!!! Time & again- It’s a layoff onto another for the purpose of not wanting to see the true self. You explain things so clearly Jay.
This is awesome in myriad ways 😃✨🙏🏼. Thanks for this message.
I have the opposite take on showing off. My narc mom expected over achievement to reflect on her as the superior parent to the outside world. I quickly learned being a performing monkey in public kept me from getting physically abused when I didn't feel like practicing piano for instance. Showing off singing, dancing, playing instruments, acting, emceeing someone else's performance, debate club wins, every bit of praise and reward was meant to be hers for being the performing child of the superior parent. I was continually criticized for being fat, which she blamed me as act of rebellion against her and I couldn't "show off" as an athlete. At 15 I desperately wanted to cut back on some of my activities do teenage things like date and hangout instead of having to maintain her high performance standards and she took it as a personal affront. After that I was the bad and ungrateful daughter who continued to make poor life choices specifically to spite her, such as quitting piano lessons, delaying college, working full time in a factory so I could afford to go to college part time, not taking STEM classes so that someday I could have a good job since I clearly wasn't going to be a concert pianist, and not losing weight. Then just as she had soaked up the good parent praise from the outside, she turned herself into the victim of a bad, rebellious daughter with lies. When she died I automatically, without conscious thought, quit pulling hair out of my head and biting my nails.
Definitely makes me cringe. But I will try.
My family used to laugh at me and ridicule me.
Awe...I bet you were adorable as hell at Show and Tell. Kids love that stuff. They're so uninhibited about what they love. It's very sweet.
I got this message that it is ok to celebrate and share your joy with others from this scripture
Romans 12:15-16 “Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep. Be of the same mind one toward another. Mind not high things, but condescend to men of low estate. Be not wise in your own conceits.“
I am a hairstylist , the customers are "friends" but narcissists that frown when I share with them something of achievement or self esteem about myself. So this is constantly reinforced in my psyche to be invisible ,unheard and a nobody. I make good money hourly. But the cost to me is great. I only discovered in grieving upon death of the enabler father and estrangement of narcissist step mother .Not sure if I should I change my profession or if I can?
So frustrating to hear everyones stories, we were raised by vindictive, immature idiots.
Wow. Thank you. I never realized that the reason I clam up about my accomplishments, even with my good friends, is an internalized trigger of fear from being belittled any time I did something terrific or outstanding as a kid/young adult. My narcissistic mother did not attend my high school graduation (even though she was a high school teacher) or any of my swim meets, and when I graduated from UC Berkeley she put me down for what I was wearing rather than congratulate me. Thanks for this video. I will start actively telling my friends the outstanding things I accomplish day to day. For example, I organize a monthly coastal clean-up! And many of my friends don't even know! Haha! Again, thanks for this insight. I never knew why I was so closed-mouthed about the good things I do.
I so relate … it’s taken me decades to talk about my “accomplishments” and my undermining jealous mother didn’t come to my doctoral graduation from Columbia. She got “sick” on that day. So we held a graduation party at a restaurant in her hometown and she again didn’t come (she got sick). Lovely.
Really loved this message. I'm a talented dude and most people aren't. So obviously, this resonated. 👍😎
This is why we dread job interviews...
My mom every time I had a little bit of confidence she would say "are you sure about that" and smile smugly. She hated the thought of me being worth anything and would strike down immediately any good feelings I had about myself. She didn't want me to even try anything to better myself and then say "I don't want to see you fail"! Even remembering it still hurts.
Wow
Listening to your videos makes me feel better
I view this type of behaviour by narcissistic parents as them standing on a darkened stage enraptured by the strong spotlight shining on them . A small child steps partially into the light behind the parent . Realizing an unworthy presence , the parent turns and rages at the child to leave - die if necessary - but 'don't 'get in my light'. ANYTHING that might be construed as showing off was met with excessive rage and violence in my home as a kid .
Hi, thank you so much for these videos! I also think that sometimes it can also be a cultural thing, for example as a woman who has always been good in math from elementary school to a PhD level, I was often attacked and criticized (only by men actually) for "showing off" my talent, I was said "who do you think you are? Do you think that you are better than us just because you can do some math?", I have been told by my boss at work in front of the whole group (of all men) that women in science shouldn't have kids or they will waste too much time in their career and shouldn't play football (?), I have often been excluded or mocked or told not to pursue my ideas etc. And this happened to most of my female scientist friends unfortunately.
A "good talk " with the narc father was sitting there while he bragged about his past accomplishments . Same ones I had heard many times before. I had to just sit there and pretend I was interested because he would verbally assault me if I looked bored or indifferent. So sick He would boast about others in the extended family's accomplishments too but if I were to suggest something good about myself he would shame me by calling me a bragger.
So helpful thank you
Thank you for all your healthy suggestions on how to improve self esteem, not so that one can become inflated and narcissistic oneself, but so one can restore deflated self esteem and self respect to normal levels. Thank yiu. ❤️
Helpful, thanks
This the same root problem about them not wanting to think good of yourself in anyway. They will be saying why do u think u r such a good person, or better than others; u can't judge yourself because u r always going to excuse youself( AND THEY IMPLY YOU DO THIS A LOT MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE). Since this is what I always had around me, I tried to take away a lot reasson/rights I had to judge in my favor & always lower it by a lot, because I was begotten the idea that my judging about myself to be correct/right/truthful; had to be at the same level of goodness about myself than another person, an outsider will judge about myself. Even though, I was always already not self indulgent at all. Even though, I saw excusing & judging yourself better from the inside,yourself, than the outside, was very common. I realized this: being more favorable to yourself from yourself was a very common thing; that could have gotten me to the conclusion, I don't know if it actually did, that it was pretty normal. It I would have being allowed more, I would have suspected that judging youself more favorable/indulgently than real, was ACTUALLY NOT ONLY NORMAL TO A CERTAIN POINT, BUT ACTUALLY ALSO RIGHT TO A CERTAIN POINT. INSTEAD I WAS BEGOTTEN TO BELIEVE THAT SHOULD NEVER BE SOMETHG DONE, EVEN LESS THE NORMAL/USUAL, EVEN FURTHER LESS RIGHT. As a result, I always took good/honor/recognition AWAY from me, in an effort to MATCH better the opinions of outsiders...because the same action of sort of high self indulgence could get the exterior/others, to lower my grade/score of a good person, as a right way to score/judge me, if my self indulgence/ego was too high. In my cause I really cared a lot not only for what I was told I was, but for intrinsically caring about being a good person for the care of being a good person.
Weird Man ... never had positive strokes from parents. Though, I expressed a pride in graduating at the top of my class in college, they were indifferent and even fearful they may lose control. Even back then ( decades ago) I didn't understand it. I used to justify my parents and their methods by whatever thinking I had at the time: "They brought me up with a certain gardening tool and though the years made those methods obsolete ( rusty old trowel ), they were still trying to use them on a young adult." Too simplistic. They indeed did damage, as through the decades, I never gave myself credit in any accomplishments and let myself shine in my own light. This dimming of your own light, helps attract an oncoming Narc.
This is me at work or school I was in the gifted program and I never want to be “smarter” than anyone else because it feels bad.
i showed my dads drawings of planes... i was trying to get him to love me. now i know this. i never presented anything of my own.
My nurese practitioner has no idea that my baby. Cousin died diedthat my grampy killed a man by backing over him once on the job.I'm sick to death of psuchology.