Neglectful narcissists & co-parenting
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- Опубліковано 25 вер 2024
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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The hardest thing is being a single parent when you are married-which means that you have to be BOTH parents: stretched thin, always ‘on,’ exhausted.
Story of my life. I don't know how you escape because I have no income of my own and have a high needs child I stay home with out of necessity (not choice, I WANT to work ) . The only tiem he spends with the kids is in the kitchen when he cooks or on the couch . He does NOTHING with them outside of that. In the state we live in the court requires a full year of living separately before being allowed to even file for divorce. We can't afford to live separate. Let alone provide for the kids needs.
Drained doesn't even come close to describing my life with my narcissistic ex when we were together...
@@ms.anonymousinformer242 🙁 my heart goes to you!
Seriously, I felt like a single mother WHEN I was married. Atleast now I have more control over how I raise my children, Chaos and abuse are no longer common in MY household and I get to keep my money instead of being the his financial safety net.
Home actually feels like home now...
@@ms.anonymousinformer242 create something to market and sell on Etsy. Put some work into it everyday and soon you’ll start to see results and income. I’m sending you the motivational energy! ❤
It’s very exhausting realizing you’re the only safe parent. I refuse to get this wrong for my girls. They’re watching this go down so intently and I am breathing through this stage in our lives……. Very carefully . These videos have helped me confirm that I’m really not crazy and sensitive. Sensitive…. Yes but not crazy . It hurts when you love so hard and try to keep picking the pieces up only to wake up and take a look around and seeing you’re completely alone.
Sending you love and strength ❤️ I am a sensitive daughter with a narc mom. Your love for your daughters in a UA-cam comment has healed a lil piece of my wound so thank you so much for sharing ❤️
I’m there too, we aren’t alone at least. The narc loves to make us feel alone but we are not. I have finally focused my love in the right direction instead of at my husbands gaping void. Radically accept and shield up so you can create a safe bubble.
Talk to God. Then you will see you are actually never alone.
You’re not crazy, I assure you. I’ve been in a similar situation and can only say that all the diligence and work you are putting in for your girls is critical and they will know it in time. Just know that you’re not alone even if it feels that way.
@@cherithr9139 Exactly.
This quote tho!!! “Narcissistic people cannot be bothered by other people”.
Being a co-parent with a neglectful narcissist hurts so bad! Seeing the lack of interest and over time seeing the children have the realization their father has minimal or no interest in their lives. It is heartbreaking and exhausting!!!
Omg your comment hit so close to home for me I can't even explain it...my kids are so wonderful and they love him soooo much yet that has no effect on him at all it seems.
Doesn’t it just break your heart to see their faces every time they have been ignored. Recently he waltzed back into their lives claiming that he wanted to do better. I encouraged them to give him a chance and that it would be healthy for all of them to work through it if they could. My children (ever respectful tried) they called a few days before his birthday to see if they could catch up .. he replied no that he was having people over???? Then after a few weeks my youngest invited him to have a drink for his birthday and he said he couldn’t because he was going bowling??
Then because your so fried and tired, as the parent doing all the work, you get portrayed as the one who's neglectful.
My x has managed to achieve a full 180 on me in the oast few years due to my severe illness and the mess he left us in. And he's still abusing me financially so I struggle to pay bills and put food on my table.
@@angelm6497that happened to me as a child, I moved in between my parents as my dad convinced me my mom was the problem. Now I’m an adult and came to the realization that he’s narcissistic. It sucks, but it made it possible for me to connect with my mom.
Mine is like this with people in general. When we go to my daughter’s gymnastics meet, she just sits in the corner alone from all the parents , doesn’t talk to them. , smile, or nothing. Just in the corner looking mean and distasteful. And don’t even let the coach praise our daughter and say she’s doing really well, shell just dismiss it and take it as an attack. Me on the other hand. I’ll small talk the parents. Laugh with them , have some kind of fun. Used too when we were married she’d get mad at me for talking to other parents and laughing and smiling. Now I don’t care, we’re not together. We just co parent, so I feel like a human being again lol
It feels so good to hear someone talk about the struggles I’ve gone through having a baby with such a person, thank you. I thought I was just crazy.
Me too! Your not crazy or alone. I felt that way for 7 years
Just thankful that his neglect allows for the children to be with me more. His neglect has become a blessing - my predetermined choice is that I am happy to always take the kids. It’s hard for them yes, but they have me and community and we will survive
Yes it's a blessing in disguise.
Exactly how I feel.
There are so many women like us. Live fully and joyful in peaceful love
Amen! Same here. :)
Yep, me too. Limits my choices some regarding my free time, but that’s ok with me.
I am sitting here in tears. Living through it and someone validating that this can be and is a reality. Simple validation means the world. Thank you.
And there it is. I’m divorced now for 3 years…the 18 years of raising our children I did alone. Everything you said is correct, unfortunately, however, now I can truly admit I had to work twice as hard for my kids to make up for their father’s unfathomable lack of interest in them. Thank you as always. It was so exhausting and sad to see my kids look to their father for attention, so I amped it up x2. The only thing I would add, is the uninterested narcissistic parent will ALWAYS say they did a “great” job if (as was my case) they supported the family financially OR they made more money than the other parent, hence they are more important. It takes more than money. Also, they have kids because their family of origin expects them to and they want to look good. Sorry. Sad but true.
My life too. I've been out for 2 years.
Yes, they think they were great parents and will even try to give parenting advice. What a lie!!!
I always heard “someone has to earn a living you know” as an excuse even though I worked as a nurse and teacher until age 67!
My neglectful narc husband has told people, “everyone says I’m lucky to have such good kids but I say it was a lot of hard work on my part, not luck”.
He literally stole these words from me and made them his own. While he’s always financially supported us, My husband has never worked hard to guide his children.
OMG sounds like my life !
My parents are neglectfull narcissists. It was horible being 'raised' by them. No love, only "do this, do that, smile!" We had no bond, only obligations, they convinced us that we owed them everything, and should thus do whatever they told us to do. No celebrations unless it was to impress others. Family pictures were manditory with smile, no choice. *They really only had kids to make themselves look better.* Add "being a good parent" to their resume. They never wanted to raise us, only let us live, so we could say "We have good parents!" to their friends. They really had the audacity to make us say that, and tell us not to "lie" when we said the truth. I have cut contact with them, and have no intentions of reconecting with them
It's really sad how relatable this is. My dad used to "joke" about how my friends probably don't like him, because "who knows what you're telling them about me." It actually made me lie to my friends and downplay how bad things were, out of fear of repercussions. Hoping I can move out and cut contact soon. I wish you continued healing ❤
Growing up with narcissistic parents is soo awful. I spent my life lying about what was really happening in my life. I was soo scared to tell the truth. I am no contact with my entire toxic family. These toxic people caused me so much pain. Time to heal.
Just like Narcs who get married to "look more credible"....🤨🤨🤨
@@hvrrormind telling the truth brings not only fear of repercussions, having a dysfunctional family comes with loads of shame. I remember as a kid being constantly ashamed of all kinds of things (though I didn't recognize it as shame then), being ashamed of how my parents were, of how my home looked (mom didn't care about chores), that I am their child, that my siblings were disrespectful and mean, of being the only one without birthday parties, heck, most of the times we didn't even get a birthday present. When I once or twice invited a friend, mom ran around in a long t-shirt and panties, and dad had a reason to go drinking, thus, I never invited them again and was ashamed of my parents and ashamed of not being able to reciprocate to my friends. I was ashamed for having to go to school alone on the first day of school, nobody accompanied me, and I was ashamed of my parents not having any interest in my schooling, didn't go to a single PTA meeting. I was ashamed that when I needed something for school, i.e. new sneakers, or colors, or wool for projects, I always was the last one in class to have it, and often had to do without because mom just couldn't get herself to go to the store. And on and on and on. As a kid I thought we were poor, but we weren't, my parents spend money on all kinds of things, just not on their children. Talk about neglect, 100%. I often compare my childhood to a wildflower growing through tar-roadcovering. What all the neglect taught me though is how to get things done on my own, be innovative, be appreciative of even the little things, substituting, upcycling and making due with little.
Good luck with moving out, and remember, none of it is your fault.
@@new_and_improved1749 thank you for your words. Shame is certainly prevalent, despite it not being our faults. It's a tough road, and I'm really sorry for your upbringing, or rather, your lack thereof. Though it sounds like you've blossomed through that tar, into a wonderful caring human being. I wish you continued healing.❤
My mother was a neglectful narcissist and boy was it tough growing up. Plus I was the scapegoat so I was even more alienated and damaged. Now that I have a child, I struggle with being present and paying attention BUT I do the work and I am nurturing and attentive most of the time. I struggle to be the parent for her that I never got to experience. It’s hard but thank God I have empathy and I’m not a pathological narcissist. That generational curse stops with me. 🙏🏽❤️
Sounds like we shared a childhood
@@kelsawalsh9271 ❤️💔
Yes, we have to break the cycle for our children.
You are not alone. You took the words right out of my childhood too. I love us!
My dad is a neglectful narcissist (and vulnerable too, so unfortunately, he bothers me way more than I'd prefer). My parents have been divorced since I was 15. I'm 22 now, and my mom is still surprised to discovered my dad has no real care for what we need. If he ever gives us anything, it's so he can brag about it to anyone who'll listen that he did the bare minimum.
Thank God I was a smart kid. I cut that guy off the moment we left home. He didn't like it, but he mostly learned to stay away from me. My mom's lawyer said he's probably scared of me 😂😂
I’m glad you are prospering and not letting him or anyone limit you. :)
Good for you.
I am so sorry you deal with this. Can I ask… did you ever wonder WHY your dad couldn’t be the right person? Act the right way. I wonder if my teen son will ever wonder this. He grew up with his dad his whole life and he suddenly left us… my kids don’t ask any questions. We live without him all of a sudden and just have peace.
I just realized I’m married to a neglectful narcissist and I didn’t know it. No wonder I had to do everything and he would just sit and watch tv. He actually noticed the children instead of me. thank you so much for this understanding.
He will feel threatened by the fact he can't control and manipulate you. Glad you and your Mum are away from him.
This is incredibly true. Their neglect is so damaging to the kids. Years of neglect and my ex sabatoging me to my kids took tons of therapy and love to undo. Getting these people out of your life is the key. My oldest son was suicidal and labeled with emotional disturbance at age 12. He is now a normal 16 year old who enjoys friends, swim team and is trying hard at school. He wants only very limited contact with his neglectful father. My divorce perhaps saves my son’s life.
I used to credit his neglectful behaviours to his anxiety and depression and borderline alcohol use issues. I’d hold onto the hope that If he would be more consistent with his meds and not depend of alcohol for mood regulation he might be more emotionally available and present with the kids. The painful part is watching the kids process the rejection, watching them scramble to try and be worthy of his love and attention. He’s very occasionally so damn charming and tender and loving it keeps us all longing for his love. Vacations are a shocking nightmarish disappointment. I take comfort in hearing one attentive parent is sometimes enough. I will hold onto that. You are an earth angel for climbing down in the soul-sucking narcissism battle trenches with us Dr Ramani. ❤️
Leave. Leave. Leave. Please: leave.
I wore the same t-shirt for 26 years. I'm out now because it just got worse and worse. It feels impossible to leave while the children are still dependent. I had to wait until my two were at university. There is light at the end of the tunnel. We hear you and know what you're going through. All my love to you - you deserve it. xxx
Alcohol precludes anything but neglectful. : ( Asking children to understand self medication, is crazy-making. When a child is secondary to your pain, which you obviously loath, what is the position of the child (?), beneath contempt.
I relate… 😔
Neglect and abandonment are horrible emotions to endure for anyone... a child, a parent, a partner or spouse.
The intention of the neglect is pain.
In the last 8 years of self-imposed celibacy I haven't felt as lonely and hopeless as I did when I was married. Watching videos on narcissists is explaining everything I experienced.
Im not co parenting with a neglectful narcissist, I was raised by one. My mom was a covert, neglectful narc and was a single parent for most of my childhood. She dated a lot but nobody stuck for long, until she met my stepdad, who turns out to be a grandiose narcissist. How I didnt turn out to be a criminal/ junkie/ hooker is amazing to me. I wasnt given ANY attention. My life was so empty from everything and lonely too. We would move a lot, I didnt have a sister until I was 14 and I didnt have any toys. I was eager to go to school to escape my toxic home but I was bullied a lot so I went home to escape the bullies, only to get bullied by my own mom. Rinse and repeat. It was so fucking horrible
Very similar story
😔😭 I'm just grateful I still have my soul.
My heart goes out to. I applaud you for not allowing your past to determine who you are now ❤️
My heart goes to you! You are a truth teller and that means you can see things others can’t. Keep your truth to this supportive community and to yourself, do the DEEP technique with them so you don’t get drag back to the abuse from them. Find a life group that care about you that have similar interests or passions. I found that in a Church and never looked back again to engage with them. I have minimal contact with some narcs in my family and it’s the best I did to keep my sanity. But beware and don’t fall in love or married to a narcissist. I am married and coparenting with a neglectful narcissist under the same roof and that definitely takes a toll on you, I am staying to protect my child from his dad rage and being physically abuse during custody time because the family courts are terrible, I don’t want to deal with custody for this reason. Please stay away from them and save you future and live a happy life with a healthy spouse and children but first find your support group in your community, or church. Don’t tell the new people in your life right away about the narcs in your life just share same interest and enjoy the things you like with them, as you make new friends pick and choose the ones that are not narc and can get you in trouble, …start to move on and move along! You can do this!
:(.. Its not your fault, you never deserved this childhood. Once you have your own children you can relive your childhood in a way you always wanted for yourself.
Being both mother and father is draining but there is nobody else so you just have to level up and be that rock and role model for your kids no matter what. Much respect to my fellow survivors ❤
Thank you so much for saying it takes only one good parent. Girl I’m terrified this is going to hurt them so deeply. It makes my heart ache to my core BUT knowing is half the battle 💖
I am feeling so relieved now. I have just left my neglectful narcissist husband. It's been a decade of years feeling so lonely and feeling like a slave. I had to beg for intimacy for 10 years. I feel like a shell of what I once was. My children too were starved for affection. He acted like we didn't exist.
😢
How are you doing now? ❤️
Hope you're well now
This was my dad exactly. He was just a sperm-donor who paid child support and lived in the same house, he shouldn't even be labeled as a parent. Unfortunately my mom isn't much better because she's a covert narcissist herself who enables him and believes the traditional ideas of the men being disengaged from child rearing. She would never actually use any of this advice because I'm sure she thinks it's completely normal for children to be treated as burdens who need to stay out of their parent's way
I feel you!
Mine have a different mix, but it was a head f*ck, now 56 and sick and it's how I saw it. Even now they're 80 they treat me like a cross between an idiot and a toddler. My mom never protected me from harm and rages and blames me for being too sensitive! Thanks mom! ✌
Sad how society enables men too to be neglectful parents and tries to normalize it as typical fatherhood.
Me too! Except my mother abused alcohol to cope. I used to be so angry at her but now i have realized what she went through with my dad and i think I’d rather have one alcoholic parent than another narcissist.
I am "coparenting" with a neglectful narcissist. I got out a year ago. Our daughter just turned 16. This sums up my life perfectly. If you aren't needed in the moment you are an inconvenience. They show up to make it about themselves. Couldn't be bothered to watch a kids movie, ever. Would make the child watch what he wanted to watch, generally inappropriate for the kids age.
This is exactly what I'm going through right now. I know I can make it with just my kids and me after doing this on my own for so long with or without them.
This describes my ex-husband to a T. We had kids because I always wanted to be a mother. The reason I stayed so long is because it felt “normal” after growing up with a narcissistic stay-at-home mother. There is no way to co-parent with a neglectful narcissist. I have always made 99% of the decisions for the children, but now that we’re divorced I can make them without fear.
Spot on...you are married and feel like single parent, divorced and again a single parent; it becomes easier when you stop having expectations and always rely only on yourself...Its sad for the kids, and as much as we try that not to talk bad about the other parent, at a certain age you start explaining your kids why dad' is like that' and start teaching them patterns and behaviors..and then, they do not grow up with the feeling that its their fault..so thank you Dr Ramani for all your amazing work!
I raised my kids alone while my husband did whatever he was doing. Usually he worked long hours, but felt above chores, parenting etc. The exception was home improvement. If he could see the house physically change and become nicer, he was motivated. But laundry, parenting, etc. were for his live-in servant (me.) I always felt like a single parent aside from earning a living. It was forbidden for me to inconvenience him by having a job and needing him to be responsible.
Dr. Ramani, you are a national treasure. I wish I had your guidance when raising my daughters with the neglectful, narcissistic co parent who is my ex now. It was and still is a struggle seeing how little he values kids while being so possessive about them just because they have his last name. He never cared to be emotionally or physically available to them whether they were sick, had a recital or stressed with their school. He was barely there for them while I struggled to be everything to them. It's exhausting, tiring. Thanks for validating everything I went through by sharing this video. 🙏
I’m grateful to run into this information. After 25 years, raising 3 special needs children (2 with autism, one with adhd and extreme anxiety) I am understand more why I always felt like a single parent, as well as criticized, ignored, and gaslit for years. Now that I’ve placed one in a group home, one has moved out, and the baby is graduated from high school, I have finally got through the point I’ve been just trying to keep my head above water and seeing the picture of my life living with my husband for the past 25 years. Reading and learning about covert and neglectful narcissism has helped me so much in seeing how it wasn’t just me always being bad and wrong and “not enough “ for the past 25 years. What an awakening.
My ex “used” the kids when he thought it made him look good, or when they wanted to do what he liked to do. The kids were adults when we divorced but the pattern continues BUT NOT IN MY HOUSE!
Mine only wants them around just enough to make it look good for his new girlfriend.
I think my ex is a neglectful narcissist despite him wanting contact with our child. He lost interest in nappy changes and soothing him within a few months and only really showed interest in playing. He wants more contact despite safety concerns i have, but his efforts in making it happen are minimal (lots of missed contact etc). We started out with me offering as much contact as he wanted, to 3 days a week (what i could handle emotionally).. but he didnt utilitise those 3 days, it went down to 1 day a week when i moved house, he couldnt keep that up and then welfare concerns arose and now its 1 hour/week at a contact centre. I am scared that if we do get close to 50/50 contact that he'll lose interest because of how hard parenting is, and damage my kid in the process. Hes convinced he's a good dad, and was excited to be a dad and take our kid to do all the things he himself enjoys. I worry how he'll react if our kid grows up to have very different interests and preferences 😕😕
@@vmcintosh8956I don't think your ex is a neglectful narcissist🤔 He just want to have connections with the kids, yet you make it complicated with all of yours negative thinking🤦🏻♂️
I am so very tired. Dr. R, you are so real and strong to take on such inhumanity. Wish I had found you 30 yrs ago. Thanks
Love love when Dr. Ramani talks about parenting. Would love a series on healthy parenting esp for single parents and how to overcome different barriers with your child. This would be so awesome.
Going through my divorce people would say “ you have to do all this by yourself now.” I would say “ I always did do it all by myself.” It’s just a relief not to have the “ass” sitting in my house now!
It's amazing how accurately you described my experience. It has certainly been like being a single parent while co-habiting with a pervasively annoyed housemate. What stands out is this person's habit of imagining and promising days out etc, for them to almost never happen, despite them having the time. This is so validating. Thank you.
Dealing with this now. The youngest comes back with rashes and infections- and having age-inappropriate tantrums. The older ones come back wanting to unpack their trauma with me- and with me having to find a balance between being a safe person and being accused of parental alienation. I spend a lot of time telling them to say what is on their mind only if it is going to be healing for them- and not because they have any hope of getting through to him. Covid delays in them being matched with a therapist have not helped the situation at all. I have stayed married, on paper only, to prevent some of them from being forced into a regular visitation schedule.
Pretty sure he will be facing some "child at risk" charges this year, but I am not holding any hope that there will be any justice or protection. Moving ahead with the therapy (for them and for me) and swimming classes, for the non-swimmer to be safe around his pool.
What is a “child at risk” charge?
It is very hard to accept this. Because my kids always asking about their father. He always disappeared. Crying alone. But i give all to God. Thanks Dr. Ramani
Same 😞
Your videos have honestly been an eye-opener. I am in a marriage with a malignant narrsist, and he is neglectful in so many ways. From not knowing when to give our daughter something to eat or what to give her to eat to completely ignoring her when things don't go his way and it is honestly painful and so frustrating watching our almost 2 year old standing and calling him the whole time and it's as if she's not even in front of him. Right now my biggest fear is that after getting a divorce (which I know needs to happen as soon as possible) is that the court will say that it should be shared custody of our daughter. I know he can charm anyone and that if he gets it right that she will be the one to suffer. The minute I hear him shouting at her for something I make sure I am right there to see what happens. It's honestly so frustrating because you enter a relationship with this person because you love them and all they do is treat you like a door mat in winter. They isolate you from family and friends and basically the whole world and expects you to be a full-time housewife, to get freelancing work done and be a single parent because they are just to tired or busy to pitch in and help and then belittle you the minute you forget to do something as small as not writing down something on the grocery list. The list of things is honestly endless, it's like living a nightmare of a marriage. And the worst part is that his parents know that things are not right I mean they have experienced it and witnessed previous partners of his going through this and they just fix his problems for him like trying to justify his actions to me and everyone around us by saying its just when he drinks but its actually way worse when he drinks. I honestly thought that not many people go through this but after reading the comments, I realized that so many lives are affected by these narcissistic people and I wanna say thank you for all the videos you make and for educating all of us.
You’re post is kinda heartbreaking. My dad was a neglectful narcissist too. I’m so sorry about your daughter. I think it should be mandatory for judges and people working in family court to be educated about Narcissism. So those charming slim balls can’t pull the wool over their eyes. Maybe if you had a lawyer to ask the judge to watch a couple of specific Ramani videos… I know maybe not realistic.
Wow you really took me back with your words - my narc ex threw a dirty diaper at me while I was sleep bc I was sleep deprived and forgot to put it in the trash bin in the middle of the night - baby was like 4 days old - I knew I was in for some real trouble then
My parents were in their 40/50s when they had me, which resulted in them needing care etc when I was younger. Often made to feel like it was my responsibility to look after them. It was mostly my mum who would take care of us children while my dad worked or constantly drank (this was before needing care). We hardly did any activities as a family and was often left to kind of entertain ourselves. I am forever grateful for the presents I would get for birthdays/Christmas but it doesn’t excuse the neglect and abuse. It was those presents that made me feel like I was ungrateful for calling out the abuse. While I had gifts etc, my emotional and human needs were neglected.
So glad you're aware your emotions were neglected. Told my wanna be narc hubby yrs back we had to stay well in old age to NOT be burdens to our children, they'll have enough on their plates! I got it from all sides I spoiled my son, babied my baby and now he's a nurse (as is his super hot chick) who specializes in geriatrics, looks like he'll be giving us good care after all!
Same here, also had parents who had me late in life. They did the bare minimum for physical aid and are completely emotionally stunted. I wish they had given me up to a family more willing to actually put in the work, because it always just felt like I was an accessory they can forget about or a burden on them
@@infinitekurosoul I’m so sorry. Yeah now I think it about it, I was a mix between scapegoat, invisible child and now the truth teller with a sprinkling of golden child from time to time. It really does a number when you look back and realise your inner world wasn’t cared for.
@@Bpdbryan that's so true, scapegoat, turth teller here myself. I always thought it was just normal, and was told that I should be understanding since my parents were getting older and it was hard for them, but no one forced them to do it, they just couldn't bare with the negative social stigma of giving up children I'm guessing. They only ever cared about keeping up appearances of a loving family even though the inside was rotten. I'm only recently realizing what I actually missed out on and can't believe there are families where the parents are engaged and helpful
Omg this 💯💯💯
So true Dr Ramani.. It’s a very lonely place to be 😔… no wonder I’m suffering from exhaustion .. Thank you for your work on Narcissism.. I’m working on how deal..
You ask, why do neglectful narcissists have children at all? The horrifying answer is, it boosts their self-esteem for a short time. It makes them feel socially acceptable, makes them feel human. Do they REGRET it after they’ve had children? You betcha! And in my personal experience the children know fairly early on how valued they really are.
@@lysas781 sorry to hear this. Narcissists are capable of a very casual type of evil, one inflicted every day on the ones around them. The real motivation for such put-downs is to momentarily lift their own self-esteem.
I feel sorry for my daughter because he doesn't seem interested what so ever. In the long run she'll be better off because he's every type of narcissist under the sun. You explain so well. When you're with them you're still a single parent only with the hurt, gaslighting and violence that comes with it. Thankfully we're out and safe, and my daughter will never remember what happened. Him being uninterested is the best thing that ever happened to us. She'd just be a maid for him like I was because that's how he treated his younger siblings when they were young.
Sounds familiar 💔...... my poor Lil' Grandchildren 💔😪
Dr Ramani, you absolutely have it! I had experienced everything you mentioned. I never knew why my husband was that way. It was indeed like being a single parent, and it was such hard work being both mother and father as well as coping with me being ghostedand and treated like an annoyance. But my 2 children have grown into exceptional adults (thank goodness). My husband and I are now seperated. Time to heal.
My mother is a covert grandiose narcissist and my father is neglectful & grandiose. He literally got married because an orthodox priest told him to, and he also believes that having children is the gateway to have. He was quite popular and my mother was sucking up to his popularity, she didn't care for any affection.
The communist regime falled in Romania, my father barley made any money due to not being prepared for capitalism, my mother started being very triggered by our status and his neglect, they fought constantly, he would gaslight big time because he just couldn't be bothered with anything. We were 4 children by that time.
Then my mother cracked the code to his gaslighting so she started gaslighting him, and it was like putting gasoline to a fire.
I barely convinced them to separate last year, after 28 years of marriage.
My head hurts just thinking about the fact that life is so short, and some people choose to spend it in such a miserable way.
Misery loves company ......and familiarity breeds contempt.
I know many parents like this. My dad is one. Thank goodness my mother made up for this. Dr Ramani, I see you're being featured in a lot of articles. Thank you for your hard work. I've never seen so many educational videos from one person and I've never realised what I was observing until you put a name for it. Flying monkeys, narcissistic, etc. Thank you.
As a stepmom, this made me feel so sane. So much nonsensical bs that happens, all bc someone would rather control their child than know/love their child
That's how my kids father (thankfully my ex) was/is. Thankfully he has very little interest in visitation let alone custody. The main problem I have now is getting the agreed upon amount of child support. Thankfully he does at least pay something each month but definitely doesn't make it easy for me to get it.
My doctor, as well as my three children's doctors , told US that my ex husband/their father has never known LOVE in his family. We can't expect anything from him. Deeply sad, but true. Single parents must be soooo strong in such situations! Thank you, doctor Ramani!!
My dad's a neglectful narcissist and I have often wondered throughout my life why he had kids if doesn't want them
This is absolutely my experience, when I was married, and after divorce. 200% spot on. When my daughter was rushed to the ER in the ambulance last year, and I messaged him to let him know, he never responded, and never contacted our daughter. It hurts, but not a shocker.
❤ I hear you.
I contemplate the senario in my head all the time. If I had to rush my kids to the Dr. I wouldnt bother letting dad know. He never responds when it's not about him anyways?
I would be labeled the "bad parent" for not informing him when its really about me blocking his opportunity for sympathy and supply he'd get off of his own children.
The Dr.'s can all see what a protective and loving father he is OR he won't be able to upload pics to social media for likes, sympathy, and random people reaching out to him.
(Spoiler: this has happened before)
I didn’t bother to call when both of my kids where admitted to the hospital for psychiatric crisis. I knew he would only make matters worse and make it about him. I figured that was the last thing either of them needed. He’s done enough!!! He’s free to go now. I have no use for him and he only hurts them over and over again while I am stuck picking up the pieces trying to build them back up. They are adults. It never ends. I’ve been no contact for almost two years now. I feel bad for my kids but not seeing him in almost three years has been wonderful
@@rebeccawellington6481 ❤
Yes 100%. It's like having a grown up 4 year old with a bad attitude. Had to put my 2 year old in school just for the child to be safe during the day while I full time worked.
I'm getting out! My children doesn't need to be in harm's way.
You just saved my life. I am forever grateful for opening my eyes. Today it's my birthday, and yesterday I took my stuff and moved out from my narcissistic boyfriend. I feel like I can breathe again. Thank you so much!
Good for you!
It gets harder.
I'm here if you need to avoid thinking of them
@@JJ.SUTHERLAND Hi. You're so sweet. I was so relieved at first, but now I feel so many emotions. The main feeling is being guilty, that I left him without explanation, even though I knew that he wouldn't understand and I bet I would be manipulated to stay with him. I'm so confused. My brain constantly fights with itself. I don't know what was true and what was a lie. I can't stop thinking and analyzing him and this situation. I can't eat and sleep. I'm waiting for a good day. Thank you for letting me talk this out :)
Neglect is a special kind of abuse. It quietly undermines attachment. Thank you for this video. In my case, my ex is not only neglectful - always had/has somewhere better to be, checked out, or just smugly dismissive - I would say he is a Vulnerable or Covert Narcissist, highly passive-aggressive with long term alcohol and drug abuse issues. Our son is now a teenager and I look back with the realization that the double amount of parenting work I’ve had to do - caring, protecting, communicating, loving my son - has been very much worth it even though it took more of me than I thought I had. At some point I accepted that I was a ‘single’ parent within that marriage and it helped me get through. The issue I’m seeing now is the heartbreak I see in my son as he comes to terms with his father’s disease and disorders. How he fits in, why he isn’t deeply loved or valued, and that his father will never get better. The fact that I can validate my son’s experiences I know without a doubt is helping him immeasurably. When he returns from a weekend with his father, it often takes at least two days just for him to offload the confusion, the negativity, the frustration and resentment. By the time he has to go back to his father’s, he’s recalibrated and much happier, but the cycle is very up and down. He (and I) looks forward to the day he can have more independence and not feel obligated to be with his father. Dr. R, I have considered getting my son (and I) into therapy if only so that it can help him sort things out easier. Your reminder here confirms that. I really appreciate all of your videos tremendously! I share them with my son and know that he and I are a team at this point in growing and healing through this.
oh boy, i had a feeling when i saw the title, but the moment you started talking about feeling bad and seeing our kids feel sad that their dad isn't present in their lives really took it home for me. my oldest is 15. for 15 years i was always primary parent. and as the years went on, i found myself desperately trying to teach my kids that their dad doesn't love them any less, he is working through hard stuff in his life and that makes it difficult for him to be present for the people he loves. i would say these words as my heart would break, looking into their eyes, seeing their sadness, and knowing that their inherent response is to blame themselves. and all i want to do is shower them endlessly with the knowing that they are loved, they are enough, and if someone doesn't effort to love you, that's on them, not you. ahhhhh my heart is breaking listening to this but i suddenly feel so seen. it has been so many years of quietly enduring this emotional labor for all 3 of my kiddos.
That’s my childhood in a nutshell. Thank you for this video. You are so helpful and on point. ❤️
My father is all these neglectful, double standard,one sided, hypocritical,lacks empathy, stubborn, hateful, he's a bully , holier than thou,plus he's greedy , loves gaslighting, playing mind games,says one thing does another, he's very secretive,loves ghosting and giving silent treatment, he denys all wrong doings , can't self reflect, loves scamming people outta money especially his family,etc .
Everything you said is true. It’s tragic when neglectful narcissists have children. Thank you dr Ramani .
You're right we do not talk about it enough or at all. You are the first person who ever mentioned this to me on my 9 year healing journey and I've seen some great holistic and intuitive practitioners as well as IFS & EMDR therapists. I can't express my gratitude enough for you doing this work and offering this video information for free on this channel. What really isn't discussed and is still taboo is to talk about how exhausted mother's are from having to fill the role of two parents and we just have to radically accept that load on our bridge as if the mother-load is not enough and as if we aren't already bridging all the gaps in the world as it is. Mom's are not ok. Especially if we have a disability and have to carry all that load without support. 🙋♀️Having this information and awareness is so incredibly validating. I hope you are training other therapists because let me tell you they are clueless.
My ex is fighting for overnights to leave them with his elderly girlfriend when he goes out at night. It’s infuriating. He knows I’m a good mom. He knows he doesn’t want to deal with them on his own, but he also knows his girlfriend who has been too old to have kids for a while wants to take care of them and pretend they’re hers. It’s all messed up, he just wants to win and it is disgusting.
This is pretty standard. Talk to others and u will see. Controll everything and do nothing. Look at the dynamic. He takes them off u because he can. Giving them to her helps him monopolize her time all while he goes about his business comforted that he is the controller of all his belongings(you her and kids). Delighted with himself
@@roseannnekeogh2283 I don’t think the judge will give him anything - he’s never had it and still fights the orders he set up and the judge is not the kind to put up with that stuff. We just don’t have support orders and I can’t work because I have to take care of them (2yr old twins) so to be sure he gives us money I still have to play ball. It’s exhausting
@@MM-zs7rp that exhaustion is no joke. 2 year old twins would have any mom wrecked as it is. Do what u have to do to stay sane. ❤
My husband was basically a single parent when he was married to his ex. As the kids got older they saw what a disappointment she was to them. I felt so bad watching them waiting for their mother to come through for them.
That was my story as a dad of a 9 year old daughter of a narc mom. That exacerbated the fear of rejection and emotional issues of my daughter, today 27 years old f age.
@God IS Love no. My husband's ex actually did things to me and my children. She was and still is a horrible person and lousy excuse for a mother. My youngest step-son was visiting with her this past July. She still feels the need to hit him. She says because he looks like his father 😡
@@susanlacey1615 That is horrible. Please, please reassure your Step Son that he is a good kid and that her behaviour is cruel and inappropriate.
@@amac2573 I remind both my Sons that they were good boys and even better men now. It seems time had repeated itself because my husband too had a Narc mother who he hasn't spoken to in many years. These two women were given gifts from GOD and they didn't appreciate them. I love them all and tell and show GOD I appreciate them daily 🙏
My son’s stepmother took it upon herself to cut my son’s baby hair and give away some of the favorite clothes I bought him.
After becoming aware in late 2021, this is the exact situation I am in...she doesn't have a maternal instinct and I'm Mr. Mom. Damn, the entire litany Dr. Ramani!?!?! Sounds about right to me. Thank you for doing this video
This was one of those videos where I was nodding my head and exclaiming YES! the whole time. I was married to a narcissist for 17 years, we have a 14 year old and a 10 year old, and we’ve been divorced for 8 months. It’s crazy how many narcissistic types I recognize in him (grandiose, self-righteous, covert, and now neglectful) and thanks to you, Dr. Ramani, I’m not confused about any of it any more. He was sort of a mid-range grandiose narcissist most of our marriage. But about 3 years ago he was depressed and treated with an antidepressant. It turns out he’s type 1 bipolar, so it threw him into an intense mania that lasted 6 months. He turned into a cruel and dangerous malignant narcissist overnight. It was terrifying and confusing, and I went back and forth between believing I needed to stand by him through this illness and needing to remove the kids from his presence. He ended up hospitalized and they improved his medicine, but he never stopped being a higher range narcissist after that. It felt impossible to leave him for a variety of reasons, but when I found out he’d been sleeping with a bunch of other women for years, it gave me the push I needed. I was so scared of him that I agreed to financial demands that really screwed me. But thank God he agreed to let me have full custody and he gets supervised visitation! I realize how blessed we are to have this arrangement, and it was worth losing money that should’ve been mine. Your videos have been a lifeline to me, and I especially hang on every word of how to “coparent” with a narcissist. One of my kids has a difficult personality and seems especially at risk. I work 2 jobs to manage, but I spend all of my free time validating and pouring my love and empathy into my kids, and we are all in therapy with a therapist who gets it. Dr. Ramani, you have truly made my and my kids’ healing possible. Also can I just say I was so very impressed by your Red Table talk episode that I recently saw. You looked so beautiful and poised, and it was amazing how you squeezed a wealth of information into a short amount of time while still managing to not sound like you were taking over the conversation or squeezing too much into too short a time.
This is my parents sometimes. They married and had kids super young, and I think sometimes are resentful of it. I was also ‘parentified’ super young with taking on their issues, trying to help keep the peace, make sure everyone was ok and keep the family together. While also feeling like I went unnoticed a lot which I still struggle with today. Doing lots of work on myself to unlearn these patterns. These videos help to be aware of what it all is. Thank you 🙏😊
"Be a House of Mirrors" 😊❤️❤️ I Loved that part!!! Resonated deeply within me. I've had a natural sense of urgency to be just that for my children even out of the relationship with the narc.
I'm in tears, this is everything I've been saying for 25yrs. Really the 30yrs I've been married. He has never been able to give me the things I need from him. I've begged for years for him to speak my love language to no avail. I'm so relieved that I'm not crazy and there is finally an explanation of what our relationship has been like.
ALLLLLLL FACTSSSSSSS… hardest thing was realizing he doesn’t love anyone. He doesn’t deserve our kids and showed his true colors after I left. Always said I’ll always help you blah blah. Once ordered his share of support completely stopped helping and makes three times what I make. I have primary of three growing teenagers. I do not play off my kids so he is a non factor BUM. I do NO CONTACT! Don’t ask him for a thing. He got out of everything but I’ll let that court order keep adding up. God keeps supplying all our needs, have the kids in therapy because at this stage they still don’t fully believe he is the fraud and lie he is. I’m on the fence of letting them keep believing the lie. He does not get them outside of his two weekends a month. Yes I was always the parent while married 16 years. Everything you said is the truth. They will give account.
"Personal Assistant," I've used that term to describe what life is like with my partner. He doesn't want a partner, he wants an assistant.
I moved out two months ago, after 23 years. I have no idea what I'm doing, but I'm doing it.
Very important topic! I wish this was talked about more and identified in courts. So many variables to process: single parent, finances, shock, moving, grieving, decreased self-worth, and the hardest, parent recovering from mind madness, (gaslight, hovering etc). After divorce, add double parenting to that! I was a mess after my divorce, my kids needed me more than ever, I wasn't the mom they desperately needed. Today, they tell me that was hard for them. I wish I could go back in time. We did survive, I wish I knew this knowledge back then, thank you for sharing.
Quite honestly like being a single parent even if they are there.
Dealing with this with both. Wounding a narcissist by leaving them and having boundaries will turn them disrespectful and causes the next supply to become extremely disrespectful. All while triangulating and the focus is NEVER the child.
This!!! I am in the midst of this
@@chystie08 I’m still going through it as well and My Daughter is 18 now. The wife is soooo disrespectful. I pray for you!
@@jecoliasjems2529 thanks. The girl (can’t even call her a woman) is soo gullible. She laps up his lies and gets involved in issues she has no business being in.
Only prayer and God himself can help this situation.
@@chystie08 I truly understand.
I once asked my ex to watch our two year old on a camping trip only to come back to find my son on the River bank with his father in the middle of the river fishing! He could not understand why that was wrong. Those 15 years with him were the hardest and loneliest I’ve ever spent.
Wow! With a toddler! Poor baby must have been scared 😳.
I love this video. Thank you for another great work! When they talk about wanting children with you it’s because they’re afraid you’re about to leave them. They will do that future faking thing all day long until you stay. This was the cycle that took place over five years for me. I grew up with a negligent narcissistic mother and I did not want to enable that or become that myself. I hope everyone here struggling with leaving a narc can do so to protect the future of their children or their unborn children.
My neglectful narcissistic parent has had a long list of health problems for years. Most of them “treatment resistant” - of course! It’s their “get out of parent jail free” card and relieves them of being interested or responsible. Thank you, Dr Ramani. Radical acceptance is such a major piece for understanding, healing and moving on.
I felt so alone în my marriage and no one believed me. I carried all the responsability regarding our girls. I am divorced for about 2 years, I am tired but I am very glad that he sees them rarely and I am also proud that I can take care of them without him. He îs exactly the way you described. With your video, I can explain to them Who really îs their father and not to have expectation from him at all. 🙏
Same. Divorced 5 years now. Keep your chin up.💪
I'm dealing with the neglectful NON EXISTENT narcissistic parent who is outside of the house.. trying to pop up every once in a blue moon when ever he wants and if I'm not reaching out to him then he never appears.. communication is not even an option to him.. I finally came to the conclusion that I should Let it go I had to and once I did he has never came back around.. awful, yet peaceful and frustrating 😣
I am co-parenting with one, and it is heartbreaking for the kids at times. His hobbies are a priority, his relationships as well. Even in the marriage he said a few times, "I can't wait until they get older to be completely free", while I was most of the time with the girls who are my priority because he was always busy and working. He leaves them home alone a lot of times without even telling them. They call him a "ninja" who disappears suddenly. Thankfully they are teenagers, but still. You are right, they are not self righteous, they don't usually rage, they show contempt, give the silent treatment, but they lack empathy at the core level💔
Thank you for this Dr. Ramani, very helpful and validating❤
They don't want to be seen as deadbeats but they are. If it inconveniences him any way to do something for his son he won't do it. He wanted to get a new job that made it impossible for him to have time with him. He didn't care. Said his other two didn't ever see him so my son was the only one he had to worry about so no big deal. Luckily my son is 5 and doesn't really care if he sees him or not anymore here lately.
So far, based on your incredible work, it seems like I was abused by a covert- vulnerable- neglectful narcissist for almost a decade. Very thankful to be free and on the path of recovery because this was hellish and created unbearable psychological damage.
This is one of the most exhausting things an individual has to deal with in a coparenting relationship because you can't even express your concerns with close families and friends who happened to be a mutual party. They'll simply gaslight you and say stuff like, "that's still their father/ mother" or, "it's not about you". This term makes me think about a term I learned in my child counseling class called, "The Disney Parent". Dr. Ramani, could you please share with us a video about how this ties into narcissism?
Thank you so much for your channel Dr. Ramani. My children and I THANK YOU! They didn’t watch the videos but will reap the benefits from you helping me. Thank you so so much.
Yes I’ve a neglectful narcissistic husband who has not at all gone out of his way to be a father or husband….only if it’s convenient for him. I always told myself he might change until a few years back I started learning about narcissism. I thought it was just that narcs had an unrelenting ego. My daughter is 18 now, is in therapy (me too), but missed out on so much. It was a decision I made when I married him but was truly unaware of who this man was. Such a tragedy to blindly work so hard to make my little family work. I am grateful for Dr. Ramani bringing light to this unfortunate personality disorder.
This brings back so much pain. What he did to me is one thing, but what he did to the children hurts so much more. God freed me from him. The children are still trying and hoping to have something from him. He simply does not have it.
This video has helped me SO much. I am in the process of divorcing my narcissistic wife. She is very much neglectful but also has some components of a covert narcissist. She is suddenly 'interested' in the kids and trying to show she has it together as we decide on custody, etc. It is all a farce. I am afraid for my kids who are only 5, 4, 3, and 2 right now and can't defend themselves. I would rather she just disappeared from their lives. They are in therapy already for this and it has been good so far. Dr. Ramani....THANK YOU for this and your other videos. You are predicting exactly what I think will happen her parenting times.
Super passionate delivery. 🙏
Put heart back into the child's ghosted absent reality of existence.
Exactly my father. Annoyed with my sister's wedding (because he had to be there), annoyed with my college graduation ceremonial (again, because he had to be there), never asked why I was in hospital or why I was heading there in the first place. But maybe it's still better than my grandiose narcissist mother's manipulation...?
Everything you said in this video is spot on. It all started when my 1st child was born. Suddenly there was a suspicious fire at his business. My narc husband was gone for the first 3 months after her birth.
He never works but he was gone for hours everyday. I think not only did he set the fire on purpose to get out of fatherly duties but he was most likely cheating on me as well. He couldn’t take the attention was not on him anymore plus he didn’t want to help me. I was married to him for 20 years. I raised two children by myself. I was a single parent. I did everything. The most heartbreaking thing over the years was watching him ignore my 2 children as they grew up. He couldn’t care less. He also ignored and hated me. My kids are adults now but the pain of what he did to them will forever change their lives. He should never have been married or had kids but like you said, his Narc mother pressured him to be married and have kids. He’s the most selfish, sorriest man to exist. A man child.
That's where I'm at.
Literally do absolutely nothing and pay no attention to the kids but online act like father of the year
I wish for compassion, courage and strength to any and all Parents who try and dedicate themselves to giving their Kid or Kids the love and support to grow up with good health and wellbeing especially in these kinds of circumstances.
Thanks for the little ❤️ Dr Ramani
Self esteem . Provide opportunities for your kids to grow and feel their worth. Listen to them intently , and like you said Dr.Ramani mirror where they are at , while providing stepping stones to feeling good about themselves . Kids in these situations need this on a daily. They need community involvement and sports more than regular kids do . The parent who is actively raising them not only has to be a stellar parent and available %100 of the time to offer consistency …. At the same time that parent needs golden self care in order to compensate for the lacking of the narcissist . The kids of these narcs DESERVE opportunities to develop in a whole way and the more we as a society can support local programs for kids , and support programs for single parents , the more attainable this becomes . This is where the power is at ⭐️
Looks like my father IS (and ALWAYS WAS) neglectful narcissist.
Good to know!
When I asked my son 12-year-old son 8 months after his father left us what he thinks about our situation, he said: ”Well, not much changed.” Meaning that his father wasn't present when he lived with us... and he's not present now either. I raised the two children on my own, he was always busy with his work. I used to be exhausted. Now that he left us, and he‘s living with his new girl, he suddenly wants to be a FATHER. However, he spends 2 hours with the children per week, one hour with our daughter, and approx. 45 minutes with our son. For some reason, he is incapable to spend time with both kids at the same time. Co-parenting with him is like parenting on my own, but having someone making things unpleasant and difficult for us. The way I see it... he wants the children only for his image, nothing more.
That's just typical... Has to appear to be a "good father" for his new target. Poor kids😔
And not having them at the same time !?! Lazy good-for-nothing.
What a real nut he can’t take them at the same time wow that doesn’t even make sense
I cannot stress enough, how accurate and important the content of this video is. But yet, not enough was said here about the wider range of ramifications when co-parenting with a neglectful narcissist. Such co-parenting could be the main obstacle in recuperating from a marriage to a narcissistic spouse, because the unavoidable on-going familial connections mean having to cope with a co-parent that will not cooperate for the good of the children. For instance, by not setting boundaries to the children (the narcissist wants to be "popular") this parent is both "getting back" at the other parent, destroying the everyday efforts put into educating them, and, at the same time turning the children against their caring parent. This could very easily deteriorate into parental allienation towards the caring parent.
Yes. It's really hard to articulate the damages neglect causes. My father was neglectful with a side of self-righteousness, and that was really harmful when mixed with my mother's narcissism and abusiveness. I've never understood why he had children--she told me once she only got pregnant with me (I'm the oldest) because he was going to leave her, so I "know" why I was born but I've never understood why she then decided to have two more kids.
My late husband was also deeply neglectful. When he left (big lie--told me he was going into a residential facility for combat-related PTSD, but he had actually never even been in the military and was actually moving in with a much-younger girlfriend he'd met through Second Life), it was like our son ceased to exist for him. He'd make these big emotional plays about how sad he was, and tell other people in his life that I "wouldn't let" him see our son--while I was bending over backwards trying to get him to show up for supervised custodial visits (supervised for a reason). He kept trying to maneuver me into allowing him to take our son overnight--but he wouldn't tell me the address he was living at, or tell me who would be taking care of our son while he was there, or even when he'd bring him back. I was fortunate enough to be able to retain sole custody, and there were so many red flags of potential risk or harm for our son that I wouldn't let him have custody the way he wanted, so he'd punish our son by not showing up at all for anything.
Like, while we'd been together, our son had almost been hit by a car while I was at work--because my late husband was supposed to be watching him and had instead gone into a locked room inside the house and just let our TODDLER do whatever. I arranged other childcare after that, but that total asshole of a man expected me to just let him take our son without answering any of my concerns about how and who would be caring for him. While dude was living with people I didn't know and had never met.
It's so easy, when dealing with neglect and the injuries it causes, for other people to say you're too critical or judgmental--"everybody makes mistakes" and "you just don't trust him" (like, WHY would I, after everything he did?!?). Well, yes. I didn't trust him, and lack of care that is repeated over and over and over again isn't a "mistake" anymore. It's a choice. It's deliberate.
When other people bear the real-time damage of your choices, you have an obligation to change what you're doing.
Yes, it's deliberate.
This describes the lump of darkness that was " father". Never could understand how anybody would choose to live with that, but she who was "mother" was complicit and a co -actor. She devised a way to "live behind backs"- covert in every way. She was quite remarkable in her scheming. She too was a narcissist of sorts, complicit, definitely codependent and an enabler to boot. Curisously, while I simply dismissed the father as an asshole and a waste of time, the mother was a difficult one to come to grips with: very difficult to figure out, to work out my feelings. I simply walked away from the whole bunch after much pain and devastation to my being. I actually felt more hurt by and angry at the mother than the father. I , as you can see, don´t think of them as "my" anything -other than my past. Truly damaging environment. I only came to understand all of this a few years ago. Your videos are a line of clarity and information invaluable to my understanding, growth and healing. I thank you with all my heart for your generosity and time.
Mhmm.. Me too went through the same things.. Same kind of' so called parents! '
This was so beautiful and poetic in a way! Thank you for sharing
That’s pretty well my story also. You’re right;The mother is the hardest to forgive. I think it’s because she, you at least assume, had some empathy. And chose to abandon this empathy, in order to give her husband the “supply” he needed. And my mother developed the same scheming and betrayals that you describe. With this family dynamic, as a child you end up, basically completely abandoned by both parents. In my case, having to act out the loveless charade of “normality” that they created - forever and ever.
@@mahaimtiaz947 Thank you so much for expressing your appreciation. It means a lot to me what you said :-)
@@yinoveryang4246 yes, just so. Let´s heal and manifest a happy life.My best wishes.
I've been following your videos for a long time and I thank you deeply for your insights and teaching. I realized sometime ago that I had gone from one type of narcissist all of my life to another, starting with my father. Lumping all narcissists into one bucket is damaging and short-sighted and I am so thankful you are changing that narrative. But the 'neglectful narcissist' has brought up profound sadness because I can see the long-term damage that my children's father has caused over the years. There would never have been resolution for my adult children but now their father has developed early-onset, rapidly progressing, aggressive dementia. Our daughter is feeling abandoned all over again: that he will never hold a grandchild in his arms or walk her down the aisle (which makes me angry that she would even want that because I was the parent who raised them, in every sense of the word). Our son has simply checked out of his father's life. And, even though we've been divorced for 30 years, I am still in damage-control because he is now, truly, unable to look after himself (which brings up moral dilemmas and boundaries). And, finally I have turned into the bad guy by not being hopeful that he will recover or see the error in his ways and become the father he never was. I have been unaware of the profound impact of his behaviour until now and suddenly the ramifications are everywhere and overwhelming.
Right on time as always. 😐😐 hold strong y’all. We’re getting there. 😞 start your day right and think of yourself constantly. Sending love and light …… thank you doctor
Thank you beatiiful soul 💗🙏
It’s all so surreal.. i can remember the day my ex told me, “I can’t do this anymore!” I replied, can’t do what anymore? And I knew he wasn’t happy being married to Me anymore.. but I knew it was so much more. He moved out of house and in with his office manager.. rarely does he do anything with kids… when he discarded me ..he discarded the entire family. Occasionally he takes them on a ski trip and I like to call it making appearances.. but in no way is he a parent. He’s a joke! And it has been very painful to watch my young teen adult kids trying to figure this out.
I was definitely married to a neglectful narc. He couldn't be bothered by our son. Before I divorced him, he told me that I paid all my attention to our son instead of him. Yeah, he is a child. So that was it, I kicked him out. He moved several states away and doesn't bother calling, texting or hasn't talked to our son since Christmas 2020. Luckily my son doesn't seem to miss him but it hurts me that I didn't give him a better dad. He deserves better. I'm a single parent which I anticipated, thank God I set our lives up so we didn't really need him around. I have full physical and legal custody bc I knew what he would do. We are now rebuilding better without him.
I did out my son in therapy for months and the therapist told me she didn't see anything. She said he is well adjusted, happy, identifies and talks about his emotions, etc. I was so relieved. But I am a Mental Health therapist too so I will be keeping an eye for any issues.
So true. I didn’t even realize how lucky I was to have one child! I got deathly ill, did he care? Not really. Wouldn’t carry the laundry basket to the basement so I could do laundry with a new baby. He just laid there on the sofa…even though my doctor was firm about what I should do while recovering. Even worse, I was feeling horrible days before but his family was coming so he was adamant that we go sightseeing…I couldn’t hardly walk. Was only around for recitals et al on his schedule. By the way, he goes on min. 3 vacations/year with his buds-not me! Standard operating procedure. If I balk or complain he’s so nasty & becomes a 13 year old. We cannot DISCUSS A THING. He transforms into a sulky child. I’ve lived my entire life alone. I quit depending on him years ago but I still get moments of depression contemplating his retirement. He’ll be hangin* out with his buds trying to keep up $$$ with them but we can’t afford it! So as usual I’ll be at home eating whatever while he buys ribeyes for all of them! Get away if you can. I tried once but gave up. I would’ve been far better off!
You described my first marriage! I was single a parent within an in tact family unit. Fast forward 18 years and 2 kids later, I was co parenting with this individual! My kids were 5 and 12 when their father threatened violence against me ONCE so we divorced! My kids grew up with mom very involved in their lives making the best of it while Dad did the minimum required. Fast forward to now and I raised two sons who are 35 and 29 years old idolize their father! In my case being the one caring parent didn’t work out so well, but I did the best I could and my kids are not criminals.
Mine would spend his weekend visitation time with our 10 year old daughter in a hotel room watching Tik Tok videos. They would order in McDonalds and sleep much of the time. Looking back, I was the one that always took her to the park and other activities.
I have felt most of this for a long time and did not know why...no one understands unless they are going through it themselves! Hugs to you other moms out there!!!🫂
This is such an important topic/series! We need more information on how to protect our kids from narcissistic parents. Please give us more of the same Dr Ramani and thank you!!!
Says I talk too much & is just “there” . But once I’m quiet he wants to talk about meaningless things & laugh ….sleeps all day when suppose to visit with our 2 year old..thankful for coming across this video!! 🙏✨🙌🏼