The Danger of Being Too Polite in Love
Вставка
- Опубліковано 17 жов 2018
- Being polite is a wonderful and hugely necessary quality; but there can - in love - be moments when politeness becomes an impediment to sincere feeling. We may at points need to give free rein to our resentments and annoyances and say it like it is - if we're later to feel properly loving and spontaneous. Good relationships are filled with respect, but they also know moments of proper frankness. There are moments when we need to put extreme politeness to one side.
Enjoying our UA-cam videos? Get full access to all our audio content, videos, and thousands of thought-provoking articles, conversation cards and more with The School of Life Subscription: t.ly/qSO3N
Be more mindful, present and inspired. Get the best of The School of Life delivered straight to your inbox: t.ly/8yUre
FURTHER READING
You can read more on this and other subjects here: bit.ly/2paArzo
“It’s natural to imagine that the highest virtue in love would be kindness and, a close second, politeness. But there is an odd danger lurking here: a relationship where we are overly polite, where there is not enough directness, where things go wrong not because of a lack of tenderness or serenity but because of a stifling excess of manners, because there aren’t enough raised voices, insults, legitimate furies and moments where both partners feel free to call each other idiots and much worse...”
MORE SCHOOL OF LIFE
Watch more films on RELATIONSHIPS in our playlist:
bit.ly/TSOLrelationships
SOCIAL MEDIA
Feel free to follow us at the links below:
Facebook: / theschooloflifelondon
X: / theschooloflife
Instagram: / theschooloflifelondon
CREDITS
Produced in collaboration with:
Angie Phillips
www.angiephillips.co/
Thank you for watching. Please do subscribe to our channel and turn on notifications to ensure you don't miss out on future films and let us know in the comments below what you think are the most important qualities needed for a successful relationship.
The School of Life Portuguese, please!
The School of Life truly you've
helped me in my life ! Thank you !
The School of Life Did you see Hawk Leigh's response below? Please read it. It's resonating with many people. Think we all enjoy/appreciate school of life and when you all show that you can learn and grow and be willing to change your theories... I think we'll all like you even more!
THIS IS YOUR BEST WORK SO FAR
@@qwerteria7366 your comment impresses me, as i was a anxious teenager myself, so i feel compelled to tell you what i learned as a youth.
First i want to say that you probably are shy because you maybe think you have to be cool and street smart or have a taste in fashion. But people around you are actually interested in seeing you passionate about something meaningful, like expressing your ideas through sports or arts or music, crafts etc. and that contribute to the betterment of this world. This would mean yiu have a sense of purpose, and people who look for a sense of purpose are naturraly attracted to you.
When i was your age i also had wished to have a partner so i can integrate better between my peers, experience kisses and all the boyfriend/girlfriend stuff with the going out together, riding bikes, and i had a few like these. But i never found one who does the serios stuff together with me, like helping with homework, being interested in my progress in school and sports and in helping with the progress of the people around us together. It wasn't meaningful, it was just wasting the time available. And relatios were like 3months short, smth like this obviously gets boring quickly.
I feel a bit sorry for wasting my time like this, and understandably, i didn't know about all meaningful things i could do with a partner. And first of all i didn't know how to look for and discover such a person, and first of all, how to be as interesting as that for someone who was my age but more mature and with a sense of purpose in life. I didn't have a sense of purpose myself.
So basically i learned that yeah, you can have the first boyfriend/girlfriend that crosses your path, to make u feel a little more like everybody else, but it won't give u the feeling of "not lonely anymore". That will come when u will experience some things and understand that external factors can't help you with loneliness, and that you have to make a first step towards opening yourself to others.
No, no, no, no. Please, hear me out. I ask you to consider honest *kindness* without politeness. *Expression* without insult. *Love* without hate.
This well-made video started out with some really good intentions. I believe that. The whole "too polite thing" is an issue. It's an issue I used to have. It ended a lot of relationships for me. But the opposite of refraining from sharing your feelings with your loved one, is not to hate them and yell at them and "form our irritations into some beautifully created insults." That is *not* the answer, my friends. I believe one should never seek to hurt someone they love. Otherwise, I ask, is it even love anymore? Or perhaps, do they merely love the sting and excitement of arguing? (That is a dangerous sort of addiction to have with someone, indeed) Because that sort of hurt, some of those "beautifully created insults" can be severely permanent.
Certainly, you can 'kiss and make up' afterwards, maybe that makes the rest of the night exhilarating because of the adrenaline argument can produce, but let us never neglect to cherish the heart of another, the trust, and the way they look at us. Some of the things said between two people during one petty argument could haunt them for the rest of their life. Never be quick to hurt.
I agree with you entirely.
such a nice comment
Absolutely
This is the first video from the SoL that i found quite disturbing and couldnt figure out why its so contradictory. Was trying to figure out the midway between these two polarizing extremes - and your comment offers the clarity i sought. Thanks.
Yeeeeeeees
I've been in a relationship for 4 years and never shouted or insulted my partner. If there's something wrong, I'll wait to be calm to try to formulate it in a kind and understanding way. It can be hard, but it's possible and worth it: a single hurtful sentence can wound someone forever.
A true person of humility and consideration. I hope your partner sees that within you.
How funny is it that this is EXACTLY how I am in MY OWN 4 year relationship! We are both calm people who discuss issues rather than yell at each other (does not mean we aren't angry! Our arguments are quiet but 'active')
#save arguments by discussions , polite arguments , quiet active arguments
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I was in a relationship for 4yrs too. Never shouted or bad calling each other. We argue lots but never shouted. At the end we always discuss and find a way out. Too bad we had to break up cause his father wants me to convert.
Before this relationship, I was in abusive one for 5yrs. Felt like hell. Thats why I really avoid insult and shouting. Better have healthy discussion. Fight and make up. Its good. To build more understanding without hurting each other feeling.
When a person is too polite to their significant other they'll focus all their energy on that one person and forget to focus on themselves. In retaliation, the polite one gets angry through exhaustion that's where the drama begins.
i'm a polite person and i won't get mad. It's strange for me that anyone around me can be angry at a person. I can't feel anger in that way, it's more that i'm disappointed or a bit sulky. I just ask the other one in a polite way and tell her how i felt . Even if the other person shouts or insults me i remain calm. Most of the time i can understand the motives why she's mad, or how he or she feels, i'm kinda too empathetic to be angry.
I also do not want to hurt the other one.¯\_(ツ)_/¯ it's that simple
An empath
ChrisselZockt If you showed no anger in response to mine, or at yours at any point, I’d think you didn’t care enough to be passionate about it. Just me?
It was no anger that led me to argue with you.^^ I don't think that you'll to need be angry/ feel anger to be caring. I associate anger as a bad emotion. That's not that i want to hide any anger. I simply can not feel anger. More precisely, I can not be angry at others. I wasn't offended, so i didn't needed to defend myself. I just want to describe my sight of this feeling or how i deal with this. And i would say that i'm passionated, but i can't react with rage, anger, shouting or insulting someone. That doesn't seem to be right for me.
I would rather ask myself why the person reacts that way
I know how this feels and oh lord i was confronted with anger towards me. not just by a stranger. It happened that the partner i love got mad at me. But i couldn't response with anger. Such small things that led her into rage wasn't really that bad. Just the circumstances and that i disappointed her in a small way. They were Yelling and shouting and often just simply frustrated by something.
Yea, i hurts but in this and many other situations with all kinds of persons i wasn't be able to be mad at this person. But i can get easily mad at me. I'm critical with my behaviour and expressions. I'm Very rational thinking, but on the other hand i'm a very sensible person. And show(!) every expression except anger (kinda strange for me too, but not really bad)
to refer to your other point.. i really didn't care enough.. for myself. In my past i could easily be suppressed by someone and i haven't said anything, or realised it(not anymore). And still I can't focus on myself, but i haven't the urge to force my right to be egoistic. That`s a drastical expression, i know. But that's how i feels.
I just assume that the other wants the best for me and sees me, like i want that for him/her. And if it's not how it went so i just tell how i feel, how it feels and what really the problem is. Just being honest to the partner. It`s so complicated to explain. I would even struggle with that in my mothertongue. So basically i don't combine passion and politeness. It sounds wrong if you say that you are only passionated about someone or something if you're rude to someone else if they disagree with you. :D
And i'm a bit alone with this concept of "being nice". It's so easy for sooomany people to be mad. It's a mystery for me that you want to hurt someone you love.
#i'm complicated :D
Why u gotta call me out like that 😭
How am I still functioning as a human when I relate to almost every video you make!?
ozzyg82 I ask myself this question every time I watch these videos
That is exactly what makes you/us human.
very well, i'd gather...
Isn’t it the exact opposite though? This whole channel describes the complexities of problems we face and by relating to this channel you are therefore fully functioning as a normal person :p
Easy, there only "normal" is *abnormal" - if we were all the same that would be fucking weird...that would be robots. It's nice to have this channel to remind us in this day and age that what we feel and do is actually what humans feel and do.
"we cannot love if love is all were allowed to do"
i thought love is all there is
@Rajath R Pai exactly. These ppl wanna engage in war and say its passion. Love breeds a healthy passion, not a toxic one that can lead to domestic violence.
If love is everything then love is nothing
"We should get angry when the occasion fairly demands it"
I love that
When you're too polite ,you get taken advantage of.
Your Alpha Dude - Dating Videos ● Bulls-eye !!!!! 🎯
Oh, yes, Leonard (Big Bang Theory) must learn that.
Can you explain how?
when i was in school people confused my kindness for weakness. i wished this type of information was available to me back then
Exactly
That middle finger from the ground though😂😂👌
ruined completely the video, but ok
I know...likely my favorite of the whole video..with the music too!!
@@ilsignorfesta7716 I thought it was absolutely hilarious, and I'm the too-polite one in my relationship.
Finger to the crooked, manipulative, deceptive people
I love it when people flip me off too
I'm a calm person I don't like to yell, I like to negotiate. That for me is polite and I think is better than yelling.
That would be polite enough. Too polite would be not even negotiating, just in case the other person might get offended.
It doesn't matter how you express it (as you know for sure), but expressing yourself in an honest way.. the rest, like you being rather calm, is part of your personality and doesn't contribute to the message behind your negotiations.
My experience is that politeness does not get you everywhere. Negotiating is good if you have some kind of leverage, which is not always the case!
It also shows that when your partner loses control,that you can maintain control over yourself.If them getting upset makes you upset, they're in control not you. Everyone overtly or covertly seeks control in the relationship so they can feel secure in the relationship. Real strength is controlling yourself.
I don’t like yelling either. But I get that communication styles vary. If the yelling or raised voice is based on excitement or stress, I’m unlikely to be offended. If it’s obviously abusive, I simply will not participate in the exchange. The loudmouth should take a walk, manage their anger properly, and get back in touch with an apology and willingness to address the actual issue/s in a constructive manner.
Angry loudmouths mystify me because they clearly prioritize their rage and receiving attention over actually resolving whatever is “wrong.” And as for people who explode into full-blown outbursts of rage, they are ridiculous.
Dangers of being too polite
Dangers of being too rude
Danger of being an overachiever
Dangers of being an underachiever
Danger of growing up rich
Danger of growing up poor
Danger of not doing psychotherapy
Danger of not self-reflecting 24/7 what's wrong with you
Danger of danger
Danger of no danger
@@saif9amar417 😂😂
Doctrine of the Mean
beautiful
True insanity, the human mind.
After going through a pretty rough relationship where we were expressing our feelings way too loud, my new relationship is based on mutual respect. You can freely express your emotions without being judged while still keeping in mind that you are talking to your partner and not an enemy. The key for me is to talk about the issues when they are still small and not wait until all I feel is rage :)
Quick Fix - Thought Provoking Videos Communication is key in any relationship. There’s no such thing as the perfect timing. being aware of how our partner reacts and see things differently than us is important so that misunderstandings doesn’t happen. And if they do, talk, and deal with it in the beginning before it becomes something bigger and too late to fix. Also being able to not take things personally, and at the same time understand that words can’t hurt us unless we let them, or do they mean anything unless we give them meaning. Besides poor communication, expectations are the worst when it comes to relationships, and is often the sole culprit for many a break up when they turn into disappointment which in turn leads to resentment and even hatred.
In your new relationship. Are you a little bit more careful or are you still giving your 100% effort? I feel like I gave 110% to my last relationship and was more obsessed with the person. But in my new relationship it's a bit more mutual and we're able to communicate but I just feel guilty I don't feel as needy or really obsessing over.
Jerome Relayson I feel exactly the same! I think I was addicted to my ex, in a bad way.
Polar Sikelen Yeah definitely specially putting your eggs in one basket and really expecting that they're the one. I still love and care for my girlfriend now but I just feel like it's my more mature and not as obsessive than before.
I have waited too long, now all I feel is rage.
I am always the polite one, the one who accept anything, that one indecisive introvert and awkward weird friend. The one who struggle on voicing her opinion, her feelings whenever they are ( anger or love, same boat). This suffocates me. I can't deal with it anymore. I just wanna *SCREAM* to the whole world *IDGAF ABOUT YOU AND YOUR LIFE*... Lord, even writing that made me feel good. Also have a nice day.
I have to study, but I don't... what am I gonna do? It's been my 43th day of procrastination (since my first day of school)...
God, do I feel this. I write on the daily to try and vent and sort through my emotions but it never feels like *enough*
I suppose speaking to the person those emotions are directed at also helps, but again, I'm afraid of change...
Nee san, you're not the only one, know that. Just work on yourself because you have 99% influence over yourself while only having 1% influence on others. If you manage to become the best version of yourself you will automatically give you the self-confidence you want.
@@lumina7152 I feel this too. It has been like 8 month that I write about my feelings, observations about myself, thoughts and everything that bothered me. It really helped, But I am (still) not taking action. Writing made me feel better, but I still feel like I should voice my emotions. Of course, I know that I fear change, I fear getting out of my comfort zone... Also my past experiences ( in voicing my opinion or feelings) left me with bigger HURRICANE of emotions, thoughts, anxiety, stress...
@@lumina7152 Thank you for sharing that with me :)
How could one say "you ruined my life" to the significant other? That's such a painful word.
I think the point of the video is both partners should take phrases like that not as truth but as someone just venting. I think you are meant to use your inner translator to convert "you've ruined my life" to "right now I'm scared and afraid and small", kind of like how you might react if a 3 year old said it to you if you made the wrong kind of pasta. Also I'm interpreting beautifully creative insults not as creative in how much they hurt but in how funny they are. I think they are a few moments in life when the emotions you're feeling are beyond what strained kindness can do, and this video is on how to deal with those few moments
I agree. Saying you ruined my life is taking it too far. Why not adress the specific things they are doing that are bothering you instead when you are angry? You can be expressing yourself freely and also be considerate at the same time imo.
The video seems targeted at people already in damaged relationships so they can look back and not feel completely terrible at their bad record and realize there's a way to review the past under a silver lining. Of course moving on you should strive to deal with issues peacefully and kindly early on instead of accumulating rage until a burst.
Nobody can ruin your life, unless yo let them too. Its a 2 way road.
My bf did tht. I still love him
Be kind but honest. Joke around with each other. But dont ever be malicious or say u hate them wtf
Right. The divorce rate is going up and it's not because of too much decency but rather too little.
Joe Jones i saw this video of an old couple still in love and something they said rlly stuck with me. They asked why they think they have been together for so long or something and they said “just be nice to ur person” bc as time goes on u can tend to get colder. Doing little nice things and being nice helps with longevity of the overall relationship.
@@joejones9497 The divorce rate has gone up because we've made divorce easier, single motherhood is much more commonplace, we have idealistic and impractical notions of love, and our culture commodifies sex and sexual desire.
Politeness and passion are direct opposites... and both very necessary for building strong relationships, socially and romantically.
Exactly what I was going to say! Polite lovers are a dime a dozen. Passionate lovers are priceless.
I would argue that politeness is not that necessary in forming romantic relatitionships. Authenticity is far more important.
Amen
@@lorenmark then be polite authentically. Be polite, while honest and dont be polite, because of norms, be polite, because you are a kind person. It may be hard to believe, but there are some people who are genuinely good. You can be polite and kind without being fake and thats what everybody should strive for.
I couldn't agree less. One can be polite and passionate at the same time. You can be enthusiastic without stopping to treat those around you well
However, keep in mind, there is a difference between voicing what you are upset about, and being verbally abusive/experiencing such abuse. Sure they may not talk this way to others, but if their only goal is to tear you down rather than reach a constructive platform, it is likely best to turn and locate your nearest metaphorical exit.
Leaving notes in strategic places can sometimes help. A few (passive-aggressive?) jerks pretend not to see them, though.
Arguments between people are necessary or not, please give me an answer, the enemy of love destroyed the relationship, hatred its replacement, an insult turns nasty🆘🚩✅🔥💲
Sorry but I have to disagree with you on this one. I'm coming from a breakup in the last week and all I have now is regret. She was an an amazing person with a great soul (and I am not saying it out of love, she really was beautiful in and out) but she finally gave up and had to break up. The reason? Because I behaved the way exactly as advocated in the video. I was direct many times, shouted a few times too often and had moments of passion and love after the little fights. She followed the idea and began to do the same sometimes. Meanwhile I had the impression that our love is truly going strong because I thought our expressions of sometimes heated but well meaning fights were an indication of deep rooted love between us. Until, in a similar episode she collected all the previous hurt feelings in her heart and called it quits. I think her decision was quite justified but I could only understand that after we had broken up.
The basic problem with the message in the video (imo) is that both parties need to understand it the same way. Which seldom happens. I believe now that if your partner is by nature a polite person then he/she expects you to be polite too. This sounds too simplistic but I believe it to be true.
I would want to be treated with respect my self. I tend to blow up on people who are rude.
I believe she must be a Virgo girl..
Sounds like a relationship to me, most of them end...
i totally agree.
A better and more simple explanation, I think, than the super long-winded one with all the upvotes.
If you become too polite, gentle, sweet and listen to your partner all the time and behave the way they want they will eventually manipulate you , blame you , insult you and take you for granted as people like them think highly of themselves . All they do is show off how smart and mature they are just by making you feel inferior, difidnent and always pointing out your mistakes. A good partner knows that nobody is perfect and will truly accept you with you flaws. The bad one will never admit his mistakes , use you and throw you whenever he feels like and will leave you eventually without any strong explanation . So never come under anybody's influence. This is the lesson that I learnt and will always remember. Be bold and confident and never let anyone take advantage your caring and sweet gesture.
So true!
Yes! Exactly. I have just been through this exact same thing. She was a big time user and thought she could pick me up and put me down whenever she wanted. She even wanted to make our relationship open... She was actually surprised when I left her
That's when you dump them. Lol.
Exactly.. soo true!!
I learned the same lesson, but from girls I met. I will never ever marry and stay single all my life. I don't need drama in my life.
No, it’s not about clever insults and loud arguments: it’s about conveying your feelings to a receptive partner and for them to do the same. Communication is key and if you don’t make a big deal out of expressing every “little” thing, you will slowly grow to resent each other.
Can you please use a profile pic of a turtle with a bomb? That would be epic
This is pleasant to look at, sure, but its message is a reiteration of the hackneyed way we romanticize fighting. No, your partner’s belittling comments are not a veiled expression of their love. Take them for what they are: signs of emotional immaturity. Honest communication without insult-hurling is not only possible, but preferable.
Amen! 👍👏
Yeah, my roommate (same sex, NOT my lover) says I belittle her when I tell her this or that needs to be cleaned or taken care of. But, she leaves it for a week or so (nasty stuff I can't avoid) and I feel I give her lots of time to take care of it so that I can avoid drama. I find it belittling that she treads on my personal space and that I should feel the need to tell her about it. Pointing out how a person is annoying you need not be belittling. Some people just leave because they dislike arguments so much. This isn't an all-or-nothing concept; very few issues are.
Yes, agreed. When people tell you who they are; beleive them. Don't think the best of them and reed inbetween the lines all the time, or like in the video, think "oh it's only because they love me that they can emotionally abuse me" nooo T v T;;
Incredible how sometimes these videos come on the exact time you need to see them. Also I must confess that the trumpet the girl played at the end sounding like a saxophone seriously confused me... 😂
”You can not love, if love is all you're allowed to do" dope
I think the key here is to be straightforward but fully aware that words can hurt. If the heat is too strong to handle, just leave and find your own space. You can always start the talk again whenever you feel calm enough to address the problem thoroughly without hurting your partner. At least, it works for me. But, well, I know some people are into dramas too much, especially in love. Those cases are complicated, though.
I don't really see the people in this vid as too polite but rather not assertive and that's why there are problems. There is a major difference between the two. Being polite is showing courtesy and respect and treating the other as a decent human being. You can be assertive without losing politeness. The example here especially with the phone is just so wrong lol. She's not 'too polite' but instead doesn't have the courage to be honest and say 'can you put your phone down?'. That's the problem with you Brits you think you're being polite when really it's just passive aggressive, ya feel (love your convict cousin, an Australian).
Very well said!! 👌🏼❤️👏🏼
Dude this needs a signal boost, I wish I could give it to you.
This!
I think the thing that makes the phone situation (despite being such a simple thing) so frustrating to approach is because the person on the phone clearly wants to be on their phone otherwise they would be choosing to snuggle their partner
So when the other person has to ask, will you please get off your phone and talk/cuddle with me, they feel that even if the person does get off their phone, that it will be a slightly begrudging action and not really want they want to do so it takes the sweetness or enjoyment out of the moment
Of course being direct is right thing to do, but it can be a bit disheartening for the person asking when they feel like their partner is only paying attention to them because theyve had to tell them fo get off their phone
@@sas-gk3co There are examples where the other person genuinely does not realize they were being impolite.
There’s a difference between expressing dissapointment, having a solvable conflict where no one is affraid of the other and open to change and the expression of demeaning criticism or insult toward a partner that if not handled correctly might lead to domestic violence.
Perfect timing as usual...I was just looking for the right words last night to express this precise concept! Love it!
I was the overly polite one in my last relationship. It was my first relationship and I just thought that’s how it was supposed to be but he’d do everything to make me angry and hurt me and I’d just squash the feelings down and be understanding and he’d try even harder. He seemed less and less interested in me the more understanding I was. When I finally would yell back at him or say hurtful things were the only times when he acted like he liked me and wanted me. Even after my boyfriend cheated on me and I broke up with him, he insisted we talk about it and I was so polite and got back together with him a week later because I was so afraid of being alone. Maybe that week apart was the ultimate impoliteness and he loved it because our relationship was great after that for a while. Now I’m alone anyway and regret a lot of what I did.
Interesting story.
My advice is don't regret it, they probably didn't deserve you anyway. Just be yourself and if you're kind be kind just don't let anyone walk all over you.
Keep your positive self esteem as its peek so nothing will let you down, Like how Ed said it, be yourself.
You can always find someone else much better next time
Suzie Greene I totally understand this
it sounds like you were with a douchebag from the get go, but you were probably raised to put up with being ignored or treated in an inconsistent way, so you naturally try harder when the relationship is bad to get things back to good again. good in that relationship may also not have been that great, it was probably more like basic interactions that one would expect to find in a relationship at all times. so my point is that it wasn't ever your job to fix things or tide things over when this person was either not bringing anything at all to the table, or if they were bringing really bad behavior to the table. before you commit to a future relationship, your job when dating is to discern whether or not the person you're in relationship with is meeting your needs on a consistent and reliable basis. if they aren't, you have to learn how to leave and find some else, rather than commit to them from the beginning and then suffering in a bad relationship and being extremely confused when it ends.
I was so afraid of being alone. 😅
humans are too complicated. i'm am too complicated as well. we have this complicated thinking, we think too much, we forget about things that for some people matters. We invest time in people who probably don't care about our investment. We think so much about what others think about ourselfes, we search for acceptance in others, instead of searching for acceptence in us. humas are too complicated.
"We grew up polite and good; but also in danger of feeling inwardly dead, and convinced that noone could witness us as we are and still love us." This channel is so good at putting what I've felt for years into words
So basically this is a prolonged and artistically pronounced way to say "Be yourself"
As a kid I was afraid of my parents. We were taught to be polite and my dad pushed my brothers from one task to another and scream at them. Luckily I sometimes screamed back. But it was not enough. Now with my boyfriend I have a certain anxiety to speak against him without feeling like a moron. I say "sorry" too often.
For me it's the opposite of this animation. My ex gf was the one that was always distracted like on her phone and i felt like the affection has been falling for a while. We were dating for 8 months before she said she cheated on me with her ex 2 months into the relationship. She completely broke me we have barely talked since that happened 3 weeks ago but when we did it only broke my heart even more. There are so many times that I should have cussed her out and left, but I dealt with it because I loved her. And that's what I got in return. To all cheaters out there, how can you sleep? Why would you want to ruin a perfectly good relationship?
I'm sorry about that man
I think this is only true of emotionally immature/unconscious people who can't communicate in a mature, honest way.
How is it possible for such a perfect channel to exist on UA-cam?
I hate this channel. It gets too real and personal and hits too close to home i.e 1:27-1:49
ExfuckingAcly
I think it is the most valuable channel I have discovered on UA-cam. I am thrilled to have discovered it!
"Love them enough to take their reality" wow.
I just want to put my two cents in by saying that it's not your job or your responsibility to make the partner happy. I think most of the people who are the 'polite' one in the relationship tend to think that it's their duty as a lover to make the other happy at all times. It's not a bad thing to want to make the other person happy, but not by feeling threatened by every little bad emotion, but rather by cherishing the good things in life together ^^
Can you elaborate with an example?
@@eladbari Well if you're still interested, for example the partner might having a hard time at work and you might want to cheer them up by making dinner. They might be flattered or even enjoy the meal, but that doesn't mean their worries will evaporate and they'll be happy full time. Even if that happens you don't have to fret over yourself or blame yourself that they aren't happy at the moment. In my opinion, just showing that you care is enough and you don't have to take on the responsibility of their problems as well. Hope that helps ^^
@@dailyrandomsmiles380 totally agreed :] Im talking about trickier things.
In your example you talk about a problem your partner has with something external to both of you. So you do your best to make them feel better and that's all.
I'm talking about problems they have with you, or your habits. And about situations where then you feel like it's your responsibility to please them. To make them happy if they feel bad with some kind of your own behavior. Like, when do you draw the line of how much you give [or give up regarding yourself] so the other person feels more comfortable. When do you say "fuck you, im not changing or bending that about myself" even if it bothers them.
In my imagination stands a woman with your child and demands shit from you when you come back from work. You want all of you guys to be happy, but she has many complaints or demands from you which could be tiring. Still, she's the woman and you have to care for her and the child. That's the tricky shit... :]
I love how many of these videos articulate what I feel but have a hard
time expressing.
This is a very beautiful lesson that advocates for love and generosity. But as always, it all comes down to " know thyself" . And I imagine that at least some of us just don't have the " capacity to ENDURE" that is necessary to go through all that. Personally all I need is silence and peace and the moment someone screams at me or insults me, that person will be out of my door right away. These may not be healthy ideas, but here are my concerns:
1. What is the point of getting THAT CLOSE to someone?
Here is an example:
One afternoon I was in my ( now-EX) boyfriend's place and he was talking in a very rude, arrogant and hurtful manner. Not because I did something, but he was just in "a bad mood". So you are just supposed to sit there and listen, trying to understand, right? That's what I did.
And then the telephone rang and it was a friend. The very same man suddenly transformed into somebody else, he sounded so cheerful, saying that everything was going so well....they had a long and fun conversation!
Well, what I understand from this is NOT that I had the honour of witnessing his darker moods, but that I was just "not worthy enough" for him to make an effort, and to show me the same kindness that he had shown to his friend.
When people think you will love them forever, they make no efforts anymore. They treat you as if you are not there, as if they are alone. That's why they don't watch their language or anything else.
It would be great to be so generous as to take this as a compliment, but may be because I am not that wise, I still think it was a very sad situation.
Shakespeare said it so well:
" Upon familiarity will grow more contempt".
It doesn't have to though. But the solution may be keeping a healthy DISTANCE rather than feeling honoured by a "dubious closeness".....
2. When that person insults me, how do I know that he doesn't find pleasure in it?? As Freud said, "sometimes a cigar is just a cigar" and may be there is no need for a further interpretation. There are folks who need that kind of " power dynamic" to feel good about themselves. We can never truly know another person, so we'll probably never know the answer anyhow...
My suggestion is this: if it feels good for you to follow the advice in this very generous lesson, then do it. If it makes you feel even worst, then you can watch other videos from this wonderful channel. Like:
- Reasons to remain single
- The advantages of long distance relationships
Such an insightful and wise comment. Thank you!
Hello! You are most welcome. Thank you for your time :- )
You are advocating a policy of never in principle getting too close to anyone based on just s few isolated and decontextualized examples that you give. Even if these specific examples did demonstrate the point you were making in and of themselves, it would still not justify a blanket policy of never getting too close to anyone, since there are 900 more reasons lovers get angry aside from the 2 of the least charitable ones you cared to list. It seems that someone with an outlook such as yours would interpret ANY outburst of anger through the worst prism imaginable and leave the relationship...
As for your advice to let “how it feels” dictate whether we should or shouldn’t follow the advice in this video - this too is very counter-productive. About 25 times out of 10, how we feel is nothing but a defense mechanism of an emotionally underdeveloped adult, who is still an unhealed child/teen seeking to prevent childhood traumas from happening again, thereby misinterpreting situation after situation after situation in life, and misses on the best life has to offer in an unconscious attempt to prevent the past from happening again. Our feelings are about the last place to look for when it comes to what is the right thing to do. There is a wonderful video on this channel talking precisely about this, called “why we shouldn’t trust our feelings”:
ua-cam.com/video/nZYzzn6W2qc/v-deo.html
Hello Ruslan. You are saying:
"Our feelings are about the last place to look for when it comes to what is the right thing to do."
And then you are saying:
"It seems that someone with an outlook such as yours would interpret ANY outburst of anger through the WORST prism imaginable and leave the relationship... "
Himmmm, so my question is:
Were you trusting your REASON when you gave such a judgement to someone based on ONE youtube comment???
Because your reaction sounds quite emotional to me!
Anyway, I have seen all the videos from this channel, and the one you have sent me is also a very valuable one. Thank you. Yes, we shouldn't trust our feelings entirely. One must never leave the reason side.
So in that case you are right. At the end of my comment I should have rather said " if this lesson seems reasonable to you". That would be better.
Lua Veli No, it’s not an emotional reaction at all. It’s a perfectly reasonable reading of someone who suggests to write off getting very close to someone outright and altogether as a way of life, based on two decontextualized examples she brings.
So.. learn to take constructive criticism. Got it. I don't think insults are needed but rather a discussion of one's need in order to promote healthy communication.
This channels makes me feel and explore the parts of me that I didn't even know existed...I always get teary eyed at the end of each video.
In the words of Buddha: "Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When words are BOTH true AND kind, they can change our world."
This is so twisted and sounds like the means for a toxic relationship. We don't need more anger in this world, we need more grace, honest communication and forgiveness. I really hope people don't take this video serious.
School of life making us regret all our life decisions in retrospect since their inception 😢😢😢
Lol so depressingly true
Yeah cuz some of their videos are pretty contrary to each other.
the plottwist is: if you never regret your decisions in school you never saw how great of a person you become.
You are a better person today then yesterday... so be in joy and not ins sorrow!
Nothing is that simple
This is such a wonderful video. This is exactly why my last relationship ended. He couldn't handle when I was ever so slightly critical of him, so I learned to remain nonconfrontational. Trying to teach myself that I am allowed to speak up for myself and put my foot down when something is bothering me. Thank you so much for this video.
It’s way better to be honest and genuine in your relationship than it is to just be “nice”
Perfect. This can easily be applied in family and in living with others more generally.
Luis Alcántara Reina most definitely
This is true! You also have to respect yourself and what you want from the relationship
Exactly, self-respect is everything. Retain self-respect and boundaries. People get too comfortable.
@@rebeccafrost5542 yes. Totally agree!
This really came into my life at the right moment, in my relationship I tend to just let her have her say just to avoid confrontation and problems, but I should set my foot firm where I need to stand my ground. Thank you for this video
this is why you guys are amazing. you touch on subjects people don't talk about despite people like myself, no matter how small in number, do experience it. and I don't think I could find a much more eloquent way of elaborating on the subject myself. good job.
Thank you for all these videos. I owe a lot of my growth to your philosophy and this channel
What a hell of a time to release this.
Seriously lmao
What a fabulous point; you shouldn’t be offended but feel privileged that this person will express themselves to you because they have so much hope in you.
The perfect video for what I’m going through rn...I just got dumped because my boyfriend never felt like he could be himself around me, but I had no idea because he was always trying to be polite and avoid confrontation. Honestly and kindly expressing your differences of opinion can save a LOT of heartbreak in the long run instead of just always trying to please your partner :(
My last boyfriend was a very polite person that he is almost never angry or expresses what he dislikes. I cant understand him
So would you say that you broke up with him because he was too nice?
I guess that's why he was your last boyfriend
Maybe it's because he seems inauthentic, as if he's not being himself or can't express what he truly feels.
what happened with him?
@@ChroahCresta I cant understand if he doesnt express his feeling or thoughts when problems come to us, he chose being silent from time to time. Thats why we broke up
There is a difference between expressing your anger and yelling "You ruined my life!". Plus I'm not a fan of videos telling people that they SHOULD react this way, they SHOULD feel this way. How about taking into consideration who your partner is and respecting that they may or may not be able to cope with certain ways of communicating? Like everyone else, I've been furious with people. But as it turns out, taking a step back, breathing and thinking through the issue has let me formulate it in a way that didn't involve yelling at the top of my lungs or finding "clever insults". Instead, I communicated the issues themselves openly and sincerely. Lo and behold, in most cases they listened, appreciated that I treated them with respect and responded by attempting to do better where they could, deepening our mutual understanding of each other. And in turn, they have tried solving issues with me the same way. But other people are simply more impulsive and can't handle things that way. And that's fine too - you find a way to make that work. Adapting and respecting each other. Which isn't what this video promotes.
I know. I am level headed too. Sometimes you just need to open up and explain clearly. Not just yell with anger to prove a point.
Be yourself, be clear and open difficult conversations, communication is important!
being polite outside and angry inside leads to passive aggressive actions or 💣 = unhealthy relationship
I've learned so much from this video. I used to think that love should be all kindness and tolerance. However, the relationship would corrupt when your inward furies and discontent gradually enlarged. So express properly could keep a long and healthy relationship.
So we need to offend our partner to have a good relationship. Great.
When you love someone, you assume the best in them. So it is important to convey in a way like “I know you are trying to .... however I feel .... when you....” this is the best way of communication I have seen work. There could be other ways. But being yelled at should certainly not be considered a privilege. That’s toxic!
I feel so much better about letting my family members have it.... I needed this! 💗
School of Life uncovers new perspectives, nuances, and subtleties that no one else ever seems to see or talk about. I love it so much!
"Call each other idiots."
That sounds like excellent advice! (sarcasm)
How about a kind but firm conversation about wants, needs and feelings in an adult manner?? Seriously...
Unless the person giving the advice is living a life you'd personally wish to emulate, don't take that advice.
Being kind and polite is essential in maintaining a peaceful relationship. But if it is too much, there's a big chance that your partner may take advantage of it.
Then your partner is a peace of shit.
"that you love them enough to take their reality, and when it's all over, their love will be as sincere as their hate once was" amen to that
You guys say those things that we truly feel but fear accepting... You validate our emotions and it feels like yeah may be I was not wrong when I was feeling unhappy.. ♥️
"You cannot love if love is all your allowed to do"... This literally makes no sense. There's no point in this quote at all. Substitute that with any other emotion and it will make no sense. I know love is much more complex but love is all good, and if your only allowed to loved truly, then you should still be able to love. There is nothing bad about true unconditional love. The only people I can think of where they might think this applies to them are those in abusive relationships and even then at that point it's not love from either end so it would be inaccurate to apply this. The quote itself is just inaccurate.
I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH, your content is always helping me improve emotionally. And púshed me into goint trough therapy
Thanks Beatriz!
The most important thing here is you should be loved as whom you really are
Thank you again.... Wish I knew this a few years ago. I think my politeness was one of the factors in the ending of my relationship.
Usually I like these videos but I adamantly disagree with this one ....You can express your dissatisfaction with someone without cussing and hitting below the belt...Yes..Don't ignore when you're been hurt but say it POLITELY.
Yes.
expression of anger sometimes can be good for you bcz you need to vent
All of this stuff *sounds* nice, but in the end, if you're fighting with your partner and yelling at them and insulting them, they'll probably eventually dump you.
Depends on how often it happens
The opposite isn't ideal either. Be too nice and one of you will end up resenting the other for not acting sooner or bottling every frustration you had deep down and only letting it out when it's way too late. You shouldn't be afraid to be honest even if it's sometimes painful, an argument doesn't mark the finish line of the race (the relationship) but perhaps rather a turn/obstacle to overcome - that's how I see it anyway. I try to cognitively remind myself not to be too nice because it *has* sabotaged relationships in my past and neither of us felt like we were being 100% genuine with one another. So yeah, as with everything, moderation is key.
+The Honest Author
Yes, yes. I would definitely leave the moment a man screams at me. I hate people shouting around. Besides what is the point of getting " that close" to someone?? That gentleman can go "be himself" with his mother, but there is no way I am going to endure a man insulting me...My two brothers are married to extremely histerical women. The kind that regularly shouts around... I don't know how and WHY my brothers endure that....But still, everything in this lesson is meant in a very generous and loving way. But every one of us should just know where the limit of our generosity is.
pip chip i hate that this generation thinks that way
The Honest Author I dunno, my parents just celebrated their 32nd anniversary and they biker, argue, nag, kiss, debate, criticize, hold hands, compliment, and avoid each other every day...if you seek a monogamous long term relationship it really comes down to communication; there's a difference between insulting and constructively criticizing someone during a fight (I'd go with the term "disagreement" over fight) even if you have to yell (which if you need to raise your voice it probably means you didn't bring up an issue that bothered you earlier so you are at your boiling point).
Omg this is so me! I'm so afraid of hurting somebody's feelings that I hardly ever take mines into consideration....And for no reason I've always believed that it was just my problem, cause i'm weird. Truth is I'm just human!
So true, if we don't let anger/resentment out, all these repressed feelings will keep us from experiencing love for how it really is.
Thanks for sharing!
So me too
thank you, I really needed this. part of the reason I am so polite is actually because im scared and have trust issues, so I put on alot of fake smiles. now I realize I dont need to do that and trust doesn't prosper in politeness, it prospers I honesty, sincerity.
Perhaps some may be on the edge of being too polite at the beginning of a relationship, but after 11 years together!! My husband and I certainly are never too polite to each other 😂
Reminds me of why my previous relationship didn't work that well. My partner had very little experience and felt that the relationship had to be perfect, any deviation caused her to worry beyond belief and instead of communicating she shut herself in, mentally of course. On three occasions she ended our relationship. She had little faith I guess, in herself and in us I think.
We did talk a lot, our relationship was intimate and almost platonic but the moment she felt unsure she cut off all conversations regarding the matter and dealt with it internally causing her to lose sleep and feel terrible. She should just have talked to me about it, even if it hurts. Even if it hurts her, me or us. Because we will prevail. But she didn't have the faith. Relationships aren't really her thing.
I can so relate to this! I grew up with a volatile father and a fragile mother. It makes perfect sense to me now why all of my relationships fail.
Loved this black and white animation which fit the narrative perfectly!
If my partner ever told me that I ruined his life, that would haunt me for the rest of the relationship and my life. That would ruin my relationship and self esteem...
I would not even want to date them after that. That's pretty fucked up to say that. In my opinion that is worse than any insult any normal person could give.
You have to understand that when people are emotional, they may say things they don't really mean.
You must have low self esteem to begin with if you'd break that easily and be haunted for the rest of your life. People say things like that when they're angry or depressed, they project things on their partner. Unless they legit meant it, which most people actually don't. Unless he goes all Eminem "Kim" on you it's highly unlikely he meant it. I mean unless you're a years-long heroin addict or abandoned your kids or just constantly did evil stuff, why would you even take such a statement seriously? Please get therapy.
@@christinash2235 People who say things like that are dick heads. That is something you say to a rapist. Why the hell would you date them if " they ruined your life". Why date at all?
@@justonetime6179 Overly emotional people are idiots.They lack logic and the ability to reason.
Thank you school of life. You have done it again, taught me how to love even better than I already do 😘
I love this video. I think everyone should watch this. I think the real problem is that a lot of people simply don’t know what “love” is, I think they confuse love with tolerance.
There's a difference between an angry outburst from frustration and continuous abuse. It's okay to express your frustrations. But it's not okay to make your partner feel like crap all the time and make it out to be their fault. If fights like these are more of a common occurrence than love, then it's probably not a healthy relationship in my opinion. Loving almost all the time is unrealistic. But taking shit 90 percent of the time is unfair to you. Don't be too polite. Walk out of it if you need to.
Tell this your Partner
@@julychani Fortunately I'm not in that relationship anymore. :)
There are ways to communicate issues while still being kind/respectful.
What an interesting way to frame the expression of anger and disappointment in a relationship. I gained a new perspective. TY!
Perhaps the most important video you ve ever made THANK YOU.
Hello SOL team,
I am indeed a polite person. I really don't stand people who, whatever the case, go mad; I do agree with your statement in your video on diplomacy: words should be weighted properly, since i am not a child but an adult. If my partner loves me and respects me she should show me she cares through this politeness, since i myself am not being unpolite. Being rude is not the answer of our anguish, especially if you are being rude with the person you are supposed to love. What do you think? Thank you in advance for your answer.
I love these animations 😂
For example 👉 2:40
StarBlack RockShooter why?
I like 2:47
@@tijan8948 It's funny and interesting to watch LOL
Gif material right there
I wish there's a course in school that's just like this channel. We all need a lesson from these videos at least once in our lives.
In love or not in love make sure u’re the hero of your story, the moment u make someone else the hero in ur story drama begins....
Huuuum, I dunno... I do agree with the overall point, but if your partner "ruined your life" and he's "selfish and infuriating", I don't think I would want to be with someone like that. On either side of this discussion.
Have you ever known people who have been married for ten or twenty years? Of course they say things like that. People these days live in a fantasy world, I think it's the movies.
As usual, beautiful.
My partner is almost always very kind and polite and I’ve always told her, “please be careful baby, there are people who will take advantage of you for being kind. You have to learn assertiveness. You have to learn to be kind and yet stand up for yourself.” I think she gets it. Bless her heart.
Thank you i really needed this. I was too afraid of doing something to dissapoint my partner that when i did i thought everything is going into an end.
This was very timely and mind-opening. Thank you.
This is why I've never had a real relationship in my whole life, I can't bring myself to be mean to someone I care about.
Oh no no no. I think part of what is said in this video is actually quite wrong. There is absolutely no need to insult or be mean to your partner to express that you want something to change. In fact, the way of handling problems that this video describes is quite disturbing in my opinion. One doesn't have to be mean to be honest. On the flipside in an ideal relationship, both partners should try to always respect and try to understand each other. This means that when one partner expresses a concern (in a calm and honest way) the other partner should be willing to listen and compromise if necessary. If they never ever listen to you then perhaps they're are not a good partner for you but there shouldn't ever be a need to say such hurtful things.
Well said Lucaria.
Every time I watch one of these that I feel couldn't be more personally crafted for me, I get recommended one that I needed to see even more
As someone who just escaped a very verbally abusive relationship this is really awful to hear
Summary: KEEP IT REAL
Love has too many philosophical perspectives and meanings when it comes to romantic relationships. Don’t fall in love people, and if you do, get the hell outta there before you go in too deep and hurt yourself. it ain’t worth it.😂
Amazing ideas expressed in this video but I need to call attention to how smooth, clever, and aesthetically pleasing the animation is. One of the best in a while.
Completely agree. "Within reason" is key here though!!