Do We Really Want Vulnerable Men featuring Aba N Preach
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- Опубліковано 19 жов 2021
- link.chtbl.com/_EoWqMIU Listen to the full episode HERE
Aba N Preach are the guests on my podcast episode this week "Do we REALLY want vulnerable men?"
This episode also features Hey Fran Hey, Justin Davis from the podcast Who Can Relate and my sister Lauren.
I go back in time and address the Aba N Preach video that I was a guest on a couple of years ago and I reopen the dialogue around the nuances, dangers and obstacles of men being vulnerable in their romantic relationships.
Listen to my podcast Lovers and Friends everywhere that podcasts are!
The audacity of wanting your man to be vulnerable, and THEN putting conditions on the way he's vulnerable.
It's like that friends episode. She wanted Bruce willis to be vulnerable, but on HER terms, and on HER time. Thats Entitlement.
and then keep that vanerability as amo in your back pocket
I mean I get their logic. A man actually opening up is scary. We got insane amounts of shit stored up and its coming out of a body relatively capable of killing things unarmed. Thats got to play into a ladies mind since most “open up” encounters are 1 on 1. However if that is the concern, then ladies should not broach the issue in the first place. They should encourage guys they care about to develop male peer support, and aid them in meeting the right people to that effect
@@MrCurbinator "body relatively capable of killing things unarmed" is misleading. It makes men sound like a killing machine. Women have a body capable of killing things unarmed too. Hands with aposable thumbs and the intelligence to learn weakpoints, leverage, etc can kill most "things" too. You should have said, "Men are generally capable of easily overpowering women" Generally being a keyword, because there are a few women who are fitter than certain men and thus can overpower them but given men and women of the same fitness level & height and the man will 8/10 times beat them due to certain charateristics such as denser muscles, stronger bones and a frame that gives more power to punches due to the V taper and broad shoulders.
@@Metruzanca WE ARE KILLING MACHINES... our biological role is to hunt kill and protect/provide, what part of that isnt fucking killing? were not so far gone from our biologocal roles.. were still primates..
@@ironmanandspidyroc I'd have to disagree. While our role is still to provide and protect, we don't need brute strength anymore to be a successful male (as in one who passes on his genes) in our species. Modern man is also, generally speaking, not killing machine anymore. A fit male, *maybe* but still requires specific training in how to kill since we lack the instincs from growing up in the environment. So we can't kill "things" anymore. However, due to our biological roles of the past, we are the "killers" of the human species thus giving us an advantage over our female counter part. Is this _fucking_ clear enough?
Aba and preach have a point though I think women do fetishize men’s venerability and sometimes we don’t even notice it.
And it's a slippery slope for men. What's too much or unacceptable changes from woman to woman. Some don't want it at all, some will only tolerate it in short bursts.
@@lamario Just be real, and let shallow bitches slide off you. Like, you gotta get comfortable with yourself. Be as vulnerable as you want, and let the right kind of woman stay; because she will, once you figure yourself out, and become consistent.
It makes sense though. It's the same reason many women want to date women. Many men are just emotionally constipated, and always have their walls up; also, when yhose walls come down _FOR YOU,_ it makes you feel special and appreciated.
It's a very similar dynamic to changing a bad boy, or earning an abused animals trust. It is special, but I don't think it's healthy to look for in relationships. To get this experience means you have to look for emotionally unavailable men, and then you have to hope that it's the right moment for them to change.
It's fetishized because it's romantic, and it's an unhealthy fetish because it draws you to unhealthy men.
@@thesurvivorssanctuary6561 That sounds nice, but you're saying, "keep showing your open wounds and the right kind of woman won't pick at it!" Meanwhile, your open wound isn't healing and is being used to hurt you by all the wrong women. A very small minority of people get it right and find the person they spend the rest of their life with while they are young.
Men are made to be more stoic (and there's a biological reason for that). I say work on yourself, go to therapy and share the vulnerable side of you with the persons who deserve it . Take your time and vet women to ensure they aren't manipulative or emotional vampires who just want your pain as currency. But don't go around being vulnerable with everyone, cause we a man, the world will chew you up.
It's all cute and he's deep until he says something a bit "too real" then he's "eww"
I like how the women in the comments are telling men how to feel.
Yeah it's disgusting
YEs
Feminism once again for the wiiiiin
Wild right?
cause it's all about control
Who’s telling men how to feel? Just because someone disagrees, has another perspective or experience doesn’t mean they’re telling people how to feel.
My experience with this has been that women aren't actually interested in men "in touch with their emotions." It's a proxy question. It's women attempting to determine if you're in tune with your emotions with the expectation that if you are, you'll be in tune with HER emotions. They really want to know if you'll be able to "correctly" interpret her emotions the same way she does (and you won't, regardless of whether you're in touch with your own emotions or not). Women in my dating experience don't care AT ALL about your emotions, they want you to be in tune with their emotions.
Correct
Date better women.
What are you doing? Going after tens? Going after models or rich gals? Avoid spoiled partners. Stick with someone who appreciates you, and who you enjoy being around. Looks change, and so does taste(especially after oxytocin(bonding chemical) releases after sex).
The good shit, is being surrounded by people who put you first, because rhey love you. Reciprocate, and put them first too. Don't waste your time on ladies who have you as a second choice.
Truest and most insightful statement I've read this year.
@@thesurvivorssanctuary6561 this is a general statement it doesn't matter how attractive they are perceived even in friendships this applies and happens too often
@@thesurvivorssanctuary6561 your response mirrors what the creator corrected of herself at the beginning of this video. Rather than receive or acknowledge a common experience men have when trying to pair with women you come with "answers" that forces all the onus on the person who's communicating their emotional needs have been historically undervalued.
I'm married to a phenomenal woman and couldn't have chosen a better partner, yet it still has taken work and effort for their to be space and acceptance of my emotional needs. There's commonality among men's experience on this issue that goes beyond justthe partner we choose.
Women need to stop telling men to be vulnerable, and start proving that they can be trusted with our vulnerability.
You aren't entitled to your man's emotions. If you want him to confide in you, then thats YOUR responsibility, not his.
Thats Why most men are able to talk vulnerable with our friends. We've known each other longer and have been through some shit. It's not that we are incapable of trust, it's that you have to prove that you're trustworthy.
Of course you should only be vulnerable with people you trust-not women you’ve just met or starting your relationship out with. But if you’re in a *long-term relationship* …why be with someone you *don’t* trust? You’ve known each other a long time and been through some shit by then.
I’d rather break up with someone I don’t trust than drag out a relationship where my guard has to constantly be up.
@@casebased8391 earn our trust
@@Macheako I’m an internet stranger, I don’t need to earn your trust lmao. And you missed the entire point of my comment, people are ideally in a long-term relationship *because* they’ve earned each other’s trusts. If someone hasn’t earned your trust and vice versa, *why* would you be in a relationship? Lmao
@@casebased8391 I think this depends on how ok a man is with not sharing much of his personal feelings with his girl. Which, men are typically raised to share next to nothing. Which is how they end up in this shit. Far as I can tell.
Interesting that in your experience that men are able to talk vunerable with their friends. I (but I am a woman, so I can only speak from experience with the men in my life) was more under the impression that with certain vunerable topics my male friends felt like they could not talk to their own male friends. I have had my fair share of male friends opening up to me and having vunerable conversations with me because they know I wont judge them.
Don't do it. Women keep a list of all your flaws then unload them on you when it's time to argue. Men interpret respect as love and that betrayal of confidence right there is why men don't trust women enough to be vulnerable in that way, period. Preach laid it out
Th aj you
Exactly
It sounds like you’ve had bad experiences and so have people in your bubble. However, there are many people who are in heathy relationships and things like that don’t happen.
We need to stop to generalize personal experiences and be aware of our confirmation bias. Obviously we need to be careful who we share what with… not everyone has the right to know our stuff and people have to earn our trust. However, there are people who are healthy and supportive partners. I hope you’ll find that too, all the best.
@@TheBebeeeJ Yes, "there are many people who are in healthy relationships and things like that don't happen", but are they the majority or minority?
I love when Preach goes in with his native tongue 🙌🏾
yassssss
Juste un gars en maudit qui sacre.
Pas grand chose / no big deal! 😁
@@MrOgunZulu well, OFFICIALLY, French is the native tongue of Haiti. Creole is a tapois, like joual in Quebec, but the first line of communication in the community.
Preach's parents are both educated professionals, though, which means there's *no doubt* his folks made sure he learned French first. Speaking from experience here.
Haitian Creole?
@@madderthanever oueee
Yll in the comments are masters at gaslighting.
"He just needs to heal" "not ALL women are like that"
Like bruh, no. These dudes aren't insecure or hurt. They just learned from their experiences and have come to terms with the fact that women CAN and many WILL use your vulnerability against you. And socially they won't even be held accountable so they can do it w out a thought. So the most logical response that makes sure those people don't get that "ammo" is by not letting them see the vulnerable side. Because EVEN women who say they care and wanna see mens vulnerable sides, MANY almost fetishize our weakness and even do it to feed their ego. As the slogan is a great example of that. It wasn't made by men or for men. Men feel repulsed by it. But it sounds good to women.
I’m glad someone else agrees. The amount of misunderstanding is headache inducing. It’s like they won’t even take the time to understand the two.
You like Aba and Preach
they are gaslighting
Atleast someone in the comment section understands us
No one can understand us Fellas😒
Bbbbbbbbboooooooooooooooooom u owned this.
100% exactly, i just see misandrists in the comment section, some women just hate men and some men just hate women, they are the problem
To all the ladies in this comment section understand this: male vulnerability is not the handsome, masculine, alpha-esque fantasy you see in movies and soap operas.
Real male vulnerability is ugly, depressing, painful, and unattractive to superficial eyes. If you can look past these things in a man I salute you, your diamond in the rug. If you can’t just understand that even if you deny it, you really are “just like every other girl”.
Absolutely! It's like what a Soldier or a Fighter goes through. Many Men alone with their Thoughts, Emotions, feelings, and more. I mos def resonate with that.
Yeah I doubt you'd find a woman that can look past those things
Wow... You hit the nail brother
I approve
Yessssss
This is my first time realizing that I’m actually seeing there FULL BODY AND NOT THERE CHEST UP 💀 I forgot they even had legs and feet 😂😂
Seeing Preach's legs was a trip xD
They attached some legs just for this video
I knew there was something strange about this video. I just couldn't put my finger on it!
Vulnerability is not the new sexy. 🙄
Also people have to stop remixing the definitions of words and then chastizing peoople who use the actual definition.
Vulnerability is about exposing yourself emotionally and risking the harm as Aba described.
nice to see I am not the only one who noticed this.
Exactly. These women keep confusing vulnerability with communication.
Thank you!
Facts
Women don't want vulnerability because of the type of man they desire, vulnerability and such a man do not go one with another, also reciprocal vulnerability between partners would entail emotion and a shared bond way too monogamous for today's men and women, it's not in, it's not popular.
My ex-wife told me I should tell her how I feel then she later used it against me for her own point of view Later after the divorce I went to a therapist for the 1st time and she said you should never weaponize how someone feels because you will never get it again. I will never tell another woman how I feel When I'm not happy Because it only gets used against you.
I am sorry that happened to you
@@30stmcalli Learning lesson
You were stupid to fall for your ex wife's crap
@@torachan23 yes I was but now I have learned to never do it again.
Curious, when you were dating, or early in your marriage, did you ever notice her repeating things someone told her in confidence? Or that she tended to fall out with her friends or family? Or that she laughed at or belittled things she knew you were sensitive about?
Preach made a good point. As much as people want us to be vulnerable, they often have no idea how to act when we actually open up.
It's not really completely their fault either, they've just never been expected to take on that responsibility.
Yep, this new desire for vulnerability is not about resolution of issues, but another notch on the validation scale, he thinks I'm special enough to share shit.
Right. Vulnerability isn't something you "want" to deal with. It's difficult, it's uncomfortable, it's ugly. But for a healthy relationship to work it has to be done. If they claim to be into it that only means they aren't ready to deal with it.
@@rd2a494 Even those that do claim to be able to take that responsibility can become stumped at times. Can't tell you how many times I opened up to a youth group leader that supposedly has already handled people with my issues before and yet, til this day, I still don't remember them saying much of value when it came to my personal life. At this point, I don't even see the point in opening up about anything because it feels absolutely useless to talk about issues that have no answers and just getting well-intentioned encouragements. Encouragement works for the first few weeks. Maybe the first few months. But it's been years now... I also have a friend who's seen therapists all his life and none of them have actually helped him. On the contrary, some gave him advice that would've just landed him into things such as homelessness.
People are more complicated than most will ever understand. There are some problems that you simply will never get answers to if you seek the answers from other people.
A lot of people are talking about how the men in this video don't have emotional intelligence since they have this specific way of looking at vulnerability all while judging these guys' characters after watching a snippet of a full interview, where in the end of the snippet, Shannon introduces another idea of what it is to be vulnerable. Y'all claim to have this emotional intelligence yet you didn't even get to hear their take on things after she said that yet you act like you know them personally. That's a little odd to witness.
Shannon introducing what vulnerability is is not the same as them coming up with that idea on their own and having that emotional intelligence in this clip.If they happened to agree later in the original video, doesn’t mean their actions will change…That takes work.
@@lovetosing51 From what I hear, correct me if I'm wrong, it seems that people's definition of vulnerability is being expressive of the not so good things in life and being more open about how they feel on things in general rather than being stoic in all situations.
Vulnerability from what I see when you simply google it is ; the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.
I can see why they feel the way they do. It seems like one side is talking about being expressive and not shut off completely while the other is talking about vulnerability in it's definition.
So I understand their way of thinking. I can see what Shannon is getting at as well but I feel this community (which I'm slightly a part of, been subscribed for years) can fill me in better.
Thank you. Was legit confused by these comments
@@SeboHyatt EXACTLY. what is on display in these comments is one side not being aware that the word vulnerability has a literal dictionary definition which men typically understand the word to mean. While women have attempted to merge the definition of other words; communication, honesty, empathy, being expressive. And relabeled it as being vulnerable. All while being ignorant that they have not shared that definition change they have made with men they are talking to.
@@jasonbirchoff2605 nail right on the head. And they do this shit often. They're always changing the meanings of words and expecting the rest of the world to fall in line with their new meanings
I'm never telling women my weaknesses. I've seen that backfired on so many of my friends. Further more women are asking men to show vulnerability but I strongly believe they don't like that in a man.
-watch women's actions, not what they say
Never‼️‼️💯💯💯
you saying that you will never tell women your weakness, isn't that the same as saying that you will never trust awomen 100%?
FACTS 🎯
@@aj3706 Trusting anyone 100% is a foolish state of being. I'm not sure which earth you live on in the multiverse but in this one its wise to know that no human can be trusted 100%
Agreed. That is a trap that men should not fall into.
This is so deep; and sadly its true. Sometimes vulnerability is seen as weakness and then later used against the person for expressing their feelings. It takes a lot of trust, maturity, and empathy to handle being vulnerable with another person especially in a new relationship.
I view vulnerability as a security measure. Trust a person with scissors while your back is turned, so you'll know if you can trust them to handle cutlery around you later.
@@thesurvivorssanctuary6561 You don't get to tell people to trust you.
Trust is earned. If a man doesn't trust you, that doesn't mean he's toxic, or he's closed off, or doesn't have the courage to be vulnerable, it means you haven't proven that you're trustworthy.
@@thesurvivorssanctuary6561 You chat poop , you’re everywhere in the comment section
Yes
someone once said the must underrated form of vulnerability is telling the truth.
Thats not vulnerability. Thats just telling the truth.
@@jasonbirchoff2605 lol.
@@jasonbirchoff2605 💯
Maybe if you are a pathological liar, its not really hard to tell the truth unless you have something to hide.
Wow that's so deep and intellectual WOW lol...not.
Peple nowadays are so pretenti0us and p0mp0us. Y'all be saying the most basic ish and think it's such pr0found ancient wisdom lol
The majority of the comment section literally proves their point lol. they literally just stated how men generally feel and look at how a good chunk of you guys are reacting. We have to understand that when it comes to vulnerability men and women view it differently and there's nothing wrong with that. How you choose to open up to someone is going to be different from someone else.
Exactly 😂😂😂 the gaslighting is real
@@theezenriarinze9203 right? Shaking my damn head over this one
if women were being asked to reveal their number of sexual partners then they would all of a sudden understand how their vulnerabilities can be used against them
@@etf42 you already do it stfu
@@lolanaenamilo2395 do what? use your words like an adult
Black man here. And I just have to say, 99% of the women in these comments are just proving Aba & Preach’s point. Instead of seriously considering what Aba & Preach said, the women in these comments are just dismissing their points and insulting them.
Facts. This honestly just makes me sad
@@demetriusean yeah. Like i agree that men ideally should be able to be more vulnerable, and we need to work towards a world where that is easily possible, so I don’t think men continuing to just bottle everything in is the way to go. But if women never acknowledge that they’re a big part of the reason why men currently can’t be vulnerable without repercussions, then we’ll never get there
Black teen here yeah it feels like their gaslightning men
It like they don’t even know what the actual definition of being vulnerable is, like being vulnerable is literally exposing and showing your weak side
Why did the race need to be mentioned here, it’s about men not specific type of men.
The problem is people push this idea of "let men cry" 'men should be vulnerable" as if there is someone watching them ready to jump out and smack the tears away. Men CAN cry, Men ARE emotional (it's just not usually the emotion women want). If men don't get vulnerable around others it's because they've grown to learn it isn't helpful, they know they will not get any more consideration or support from it, and many times it is instead used against them instead. For society to say: "Let men cry" is an empty gesture.
For example: If a woman's requirements of what she is looking for in a guy is that they have to be in touch with their feelings or willing to be vulnerable, that is counterproductive to helping men be those things. If men struggle to be vulnerable, then requiring them to be vulnerable from the get go will in no way be helpful to their growth! Instead, if a woman truly wants a partner who can be vulnerable, then she should provide an environment where she can create enough trust that a man can feel like being vulnerable with her could actually be helpful to him.
What needs to be said instead of "men should be vulnerable" or "let men cry" is: "support men's pain" "Create an environment for your man where he can be open" "Make sure men know that they can trust you with their pain" and "Don't use men's pain against them". The problem with the way society currently states it is it puts pressure on the men to have to be the ones to change their insecurities as if they are toxic and doing something wrong. As if it is their responsibility to open up regardless of the pain/ life experience they've gone through and feelings of mistrust. If people actually want men to be vulnerable they should encourage others to create environments of support, so men can feel like doing those things will actually be beneficial to them.
So when people take it to the level of "vulnerability is sexy" "not crying is toxic masculinity" "Girls want to date a guy who can be emotional" Those statements instead of helping encourage men to be themselves (which is what people who say those things think they are doing) instead it puts an extreme amount of pressure on men to feel like they have to become those things in order to be considered a good man even when their life experience has taught them it is dangerous. This has the possible drawback of shaming men into feeling like they need to already be perfect if they want to be in or even acquire a good relationship. How would that in any way be truly beneficial in helping men to feel comfortable with being vulnerable? In fact if you really think about it who would doing that ahead of time before the actual relationship really benefit? The woman.
So people who encourage men to be vulnerable might as well be saying: You should be vulnerable for the sake of women.
Well said... You really got me with that "support men's pain" bit and I agree. Thank you for your words.
I mean, I agree with most of what your saying. Men shouldn’t be pressured to be vulnerable and share deeply personal things in the beginning. And women shouldn’t either. No one should. That’s born from a lack of maturity and not understanding how dating actually works. There’s a hierarchy to how one communicates to an acquaintance, a friend, a best friend, a family member, etc. In many ways, you let time determine if they are a compatible friend and grow to trust them overtime. However, there are some guys and girls who do struggle to learn trust in romantic relationships (because of experiences within families or past relationships). I don’t believe it’s right to shame someone into being vulnerable either, but if you’ve gotten to know a person enough that you know they would never hurt you, but you still can’t build a rapport with them, even if you’ve been with each other for years and are married and have kids, you need to discuss it and get therapy. It’s a sad state of affairs if one person is in denial and unwilling to be vulnerable while the other person has been vulnerable and proven their loyalty and trust.
nail on the head right here. People should be allowed to grow and be themselves. While also receiving support and giving out to those who earn it.
Tell that to all the men who shame women's emotions. Tell that to fresh&fit who shame emotions and call it irrational.
tbh I didn’t think about it like this. as a woman I’m glad I can gain more perspective about how some men feel about their vulnerability. I haven’t really taken that into consideration as much as I should
Women to Men - "Be Vulnerable to us"
Also Women to Men - "No! Not like that"
This comment section 😪😪
The accuracy. Frightening.
Facts 😂
"Wherever you listen to podcast"...I listen to all my podcast on youtube because I am a visual person so could you please upload the full episodes to UA-cam as well?
Yes I agree , that would be really helpful . Very visual person
Same here 🙋🏻♀️ would love to see the full podcast
Me three 🙋🏾♀️
Speaking my language. I listened to all my podcasts on UA-cam too just because UA-cam is a great suggestion tool and it’s easier. Podcast apps aren’t the best. So please upload podcast to UA-cam. Crazy that you haven’t
One hundred percent agree!
Men and womens truths are incompatible I've learned from this comments section. Get a journal keep it in a safe and ignore them. You don't have to share anything it's just a prompt to hear the sound of their own voice. Get your "Mhmm" "Deadass?!" "That's crazy..." game in order and keep it pushing. Kepp ya heart 3 stacks
spot on. men and women will never understand each others lived experiences.
Keep your heart 3 stacks 🤣🤣🤣
Man, these girls is smart, 3 stacks, these girls is smart
Play your part
There's no such thing as men or women's truths. Truth is truth, and you're either open to the truth or you aren't.
Everyone can understand everyone else's life and experiences if you just stop being so fucking self centered, but ya'll can't do that.
Advice for children.
I had a friend who started telling me about her babys daddy... Something about how hes not there... Then she starts telling me he was gay because he told her he's bisexual... I stopped talking to her at that... If she's gonna blast someone I don't even know, she'd do even worse to me.
Aren’t women the supposed biggest supporters of the lgbt gang? What happened to that?
@@marlom7882 I thought so, but I’ve just been figuring I’m too simple to understand it in my monkey brain. Hey, your name reminds me, I’m getting a replacement tshirt for the tshirt I sacrificed for the last saturnalia I sacrificed a shirt for, and I get to keep my shirt with a helm of awe on it for more than a week.
Women can say all they want that they want a guy who cry in front of them and show emotions but when the time comes to prove it they will show you the reality of the relationships. I'm have experienced it.
When i told her about suicide rate of man is high and my previous experience with my suicidal thoughts,she said its just men are mentally weak. I was hurt and regretted my decision of telling her my painful memories.
Yet women "try" to commit suicide way more than men do. The hypocrisy is unreal. Sorry to hear that I hope you find partner that at least "tries" to understanding of your issues.
@@0doublezero0 yes, but men have higher rates of committing suicide. This means men have the intention of going through with it, hence why most of them use guns. Don't be naive....
From reading the comments I realize that men and women will never understand each other.. and we just have to deal with that reality
Yeah it really saddens me, but I realise that this is in fact the case day by day. I just hope we can at least recognise that we have different perspective and neither is necessarily wrong
I don't think most women want to understand men, they just want to understand enough to benefit from our utility. Most experienced men are OK with that.
@@J.D.M2.1 .... Yeah you will never find a woman to love you with that mindset, good luck
We actually understand each other but we can't be on the same page, because we are sometimes operating from two different ends in relationships and in some real life activities. Our experiences on some things such as sexuality, strength etc...are sometimes opposite.
@@Noob-zi2ce "We actually understand each other but we can't be on the same page" ?????????
Lady, I been with enough women to know it's nearly always used as a weapon and using it to "love him better" is not actually a reality.
Women find passionate men sexy not vulnerable men
Vulnerability and trauma dumping are not the same thing. Also, vulnerability is not weakness. It takes a lot of courage to open up, and be honest about the things you need, and how you genuinely feel, assertively, and not reactively.
All this!
Agreed. These guys are so far off.
@@graceosullivan1367 are you a guy? nah, they spoke faaacts about the male experience. We have to be smart about who we're vulnerable with so it doesn't get used against us in the future. That's where they're coming from, trauma dumping is a completely different discussion altogether. Vulnerability is literally synonymous with weakness, and keep in mind i'm not arguing men as a whole should bottle emotions up, but actually the opposite and to express it with the correct people
@@reinaldomartinez13 You're right. Its like some ppl only paid attention to what they wanted to hear in this video. Being vulnerable to someone you trust completely is still a calculated risk. Just because it takes courage doesn't mean it's not a weakness.
@@derekaddison4835 It takes courage so it is not a weakness, and men have to do the internal work of not viewing it as a weakness, which is how they generally end up emotionally isolated. Insisting that it's the male experience to emotionally isolate yourself is not a "comeback".
When you give advice, without insight, and the acknowledgement of the reality for them, it is hurtful, because it minimizes what they are going through.
Gold
💯
This is a really interesting conversation to me. I love it when my partner is vulnerable with me and open with his emotions and what he is going through it - but I don't think it's cute, I don't love the idea of him crying in my arms. I want to be a safe space so he know he can cry and be supported in that moment...and the idea of using it against him in an argument is horrifying. If we want partners who are vulnerable with us we have to be a safe space for that information.
Good luck to you and your man.
If what you are saying is true, you are rare.
You deserve more comments lol
Exactly he’s a lucky guy cause I’ve been through some who didn’t even think twice of using it against me
@@Frosty1026 I'm so sorry this has been your experience.
@@ZaydaFleming it’s ok ik it’s not everyone just been my experiences I have found someone who’s more like you thank god but ik how it feels to not be soo lucky
Men are just as vulnerable as any other living being. Difference is, we were taught not to show it too often. Because we need to be stoic and strong and rational when others going into full-panic-mode and become emotional.
I´m a Paramedic for 20 years now, a Firefighter for 12. I learned my profession in the Army, being deployed to Afghanistan as a MedEvac EMT 2 times. Continued my training after leaving the military to become a Firefighter/Paramedic.
The sheit i´ve seen in this time span and got "emotional" about it would send half of the people here in locked psychic ward or give them PTSD and nightmares for life ........ You wanna hear an example ????
Imagine a 11 year old girl stuck under a cable car, her body crushed but still alive, arteries and veins cut and open but pressed down from the weight of the cable car. And you realize: to save her, you must move the cable car - but that also lowers the pressure on her body and opens the arteries and veins and she will bleed out in under 60 seconds. Meanwhile Police squad cars are racing through the city, to bring the parents on scene so they have a chance to see their little angel one last time ..... Yeah, i went emotional and cried there.
3:43 - I had a lady "friend" who enjoyed seeing me emotionally low. I realized this because everytime i was confident,upbeat and in my masculine she would say "Don´t be so cocky,you have to be more humble",and everytime we talked she used questions to trigger my negative self talk.
I had made a big mistake of been vulnerable to this lady.
In the past she wanted something more romantic with me but, i was clear with her that i was only going to be her friend.maybe this was her way to get back at me for that..I had to cut it off! . You live,you learn.
"Friend" indeed.
Another gaslighting narcissist. Good thing you've moved on
I’ve had a man do this to me. Can it be that people are people sans gender? A girlfriend has done that to me. Sorry you had to go through that.
I learned my lesson a long time ago. Never show vulnerability to women and share my problems.
Good job generalising. But if a woman who was abused by her ex says she is afraid of men hell ensues
You can show vulnerability without neediness
@@x97s vulnerability is not the same as communication. Learn the difference
Facts even the bible said not to share your secret with a woman something the modern generation have lost its the raw redpill knowledge and life lessons is in the Bible I read that book and its helped my life greatly Example. When Sampson revealed his secret to deliliah he lost his supernatural ability. And that's the lesson God wanted us to know .
@@oxide9717 I see. I'm not religious but I do know the bible says that and it makes sense to me. I just try to be stoic about stuff or at least get advice from a wiser man. If I do talk about my problems with a woman I would talk about how to overcome a problem not how it's weighing me down. Even if a problem is weighing me down I will never ever tell her.
"What do you feel right now" over a period of time, is tantamount to what are your weaknesses...in fact in a particular moment, it could directly translate to "what are your secrets/traumas?", because that's the nature of trauma, to feel it continuously over a period of time
The revealing a bad thing that happened to you as a manipulative tactic is something that happens in Buffy. A guy named Parker tells her this supposed trauma he has and pretends to be sensitive and sweet so she’ll make the first move. After they sleep together he ditches her. She finds him later telling a different girl the exact same story. It’s fictional but I feel like a lot of people could learn from it.
willingness to share trauma does not equal that person caring about you.
the collecting of secrets and vulnerabilities also reminds me of the lyric:
“We gather stones, never knowing what they'll mean
Some to throw, some to make a diamond ring” because it really can go either way, its a gamble every time and you don’t know till you reach the end.
A Taylor swift fan I see 😁😁😁😁 I'm sorry but that woman is just too special a talent 😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩
Just be they understand, doesn't mean they care. Remember that.
All the women I. The comments proving their point. It is not about YOU!!!
Christ!
When you want to communicate with someone there is no me and you especially when it comes to vulnerability in a relationship. Men need to stop being so selfish and start working things alongside us
@@lolanaenamilo2395 All the comments you leave tell me what a huge red flag you are
@@berrymckockiner5883 that one comment tells me you are triggered easily and you will never find someone!!!
@@berrymckockiner5883 I already do but ok😂
@UCWLNtbeCni6jnRubTvFIYtg yeah no way to verify but I don't exactly care if strangers on the internet believe me on anything lol
I’m so glad my grandfather was a huge influence on me. Traditional male mindset here. And no issues with women.
Good luck to all the men dealing with the whole emotions topic with women today. If your grandfather was respected and honorable turn to them for guidance.
Many women do not understand how men work through emotions. Why many guys will go to the gym, pickup a sport, find a way to do something completely different. That is how many guys have learned on dealing with the emotional part, then they will try to work through the rest of the information.
My husband and I worked through a rough patch and he realized that it was important that he be able to express his vulnerability. That he wasn’t going to bottle up. And that I needed to respect that. And I love him, and it took some work and mindfulness to understand the ways I can be dismissive. It’s allowed us both to be better partners.
We make this so difficult for ourselves and each other. We put the focus and effort into the wrong things when the important stuff is so blatantly obvious.
It’s not nearly as difficult as it seems
I really appreciated this level headed comment in a sea of dysfunctional, pessimistic ones.
I respect you for having the strength to admit being wrong about something and correcting it and coming out wiser and stronger! Go girl!
Aba broke everything down perfectly
Preach defaulting to French when he's angry is funny.
If someone is using something you told them against you...that screams immature and/or a narcissist...or some other personality disorder. Not cool.
and women are never immature or narcissistic, right?
@@etf42 I said someone, which is a pretty gender neutral word. I talk about people as a collective. But you can be stuck and brainwashed in the gender wars, I don't get involved in those matters.
Which includes most women.
So does that mean most women have some personality disorder? I mean … it’d kinda make sense but that doesn’t seem factually right
@@marlom7882 We have all done rude, inconsiderate or hurtful things occasionally, men and women. No one’s perfect. That’s just life. It’s the jerks of the world who are in denial and do it more frequently and loudly. Women tend to be more disrespectful to the opposite sex through words, whereas men tend to be disrespectful to the opposite sex through careless (or deliberate) actions. It’s not always the case, thing can be intermixed, thats just how it generally is. We can play the blame game, but at the end of the day, both genders feed into each others problems. Social media just exacerbates these everyday issues.
The way they’re using “being vulnerable” interchangeably with “crying every day” is super misleading. The way they were talking about it gave me the ick.
Except some women have said they lost interest in a man after seeing them cry once
@@dragonthingy4843 what? What the f*** is wrong with people! That’s one of the more depressing things I have heard lately.
She should read your comment I agree with you 💯
I experienced a man I work with open up to me one day about some family issues. He cried. I thought it was so beautiful and felt like he trusted me, to share this. It was dead sexy, not that he was feeling this type of way, but that he opened up, was vulnerable with me. So yes, vulnerability is attractive - for women and men. Of course not crying every day, that is the worst caricature of vulnerability if I ever heard one. Vulnerability gets us closer to one another - family, friend, lover, partner. If you find it repulsive, it means that you are not ready. I've experienced this also with a man years ago at a club, we were in a group of friends, I met him that evening. He was sharing his fear of not meeting someone, and not being able to start a family. I was in this odd place, so I wasn't feeling it. Turned off. So that is the difference, where are you in your own journey in relation to being vulnerable?
@@dragonthingy4843 Then it sounds like that they were not ready. Maybe they had a hard time with their own vulnerability.
lol laughing at the majority of women in the comments COMPLETELY missing the point
They always will
They feel it’s “their world”… ?
@@playablue lol you have such a victim complex
@@chocolatecuban ugh. Women like you just solidify why men need to not tell women anything
@@playablue It’s a mans world
@@chocolatecuban not like a woman?
Lol
Get help
You really said how you felt. Stand on it.
I learnt this lesson years ago as a young kid, never show your emotions. Made the mistake of showing them, never doing it again
The original video on A&P channel is my all time favorite UA-cam video - this is a great follow up, great work, SB.
It’s interesting how unsafe women feel being vulnerable with men while at the same time men don’t feel safe being vulnerable with women.
Like they said in their video yall like to use that against us if anything ever go wrong
Women are always act vulnerable how do they feel unsafe?
@@singmysin not "if" but WHEN
"I've been told it's okay to cry, but you know what? It's been used against me." - Peter Steele
Perhaps a better way of putting this would be to say
It's interesting how unsafe women feel being vulnerable with men while at t the same time men don't feel safe being vulnerable with women because women do not feel safe with vulnerable men.
IMO, People should stop redefining words meaning, so much, that it loses it's core definition - becoming so ambiguous in society, that communication (like this exchange) can be misinterpreted. Vulnerable/Vulnerability = Open to harm & attacks. Wound. Open in relationships to their deep self, even if heartaches may occur. This is why Vulnerable often equates being in our weak state, thus Weak. Vulnerability MAY lead to lose control of our emotional stability. Which is Normal. With that said, too much of anything.. can be a turn off. It's okai to be vulnerable, by working with our resilience. This apply to any individuals.
AMEN. Though I am not sure I can cosign the whole too much of anything can be undesirable, as you touched on it. Is there a standard amount of time for someone to be affected by something. what if that person is truly struggling and unable to figure something out. I get the idea that people don't want to deal with other peoples baggage for longer than they choose to deal with it. But if that is someone's position they have zero right to ask.
Thank you ! The way we talk abt this topic is so annoying
@@jasonbirchoff2605 hate to say it brotha, but that hypothetical would be a sign that someone needs to fix themselves wholly and completely. You can really be all about self AND in a committed relationship. That's the rub. A lot of people try to find personal healing through feelings they get from others. Disastrous recipe.
@@manuginobilisbaldspot424 I get the point your making but I think your assuming that we loose the ability to be affected by life after we enter a relationship with someone. Hell there is baggage people have that they are not aware of till something forces them to think about it for a bit too long.
In that context is it okay for your significant other to want to peace out? From my perspective no, if this is a committed relationship. It might be kind of sorta okay if they aren't married. But it is definitely not acceptable if they are. Part of being married is accepting the other persons baggage, known and unknown.
You can try an help them work through it. But you also have to respect your limits. If it is affecting the marriage then push them to get help from a therapist.
00:20 I like how Aba dropped a fact about how men are often treated, then her next reply was to talk about how its 50/50 with men and vvomen going thru the same thing, then talk about herself.
And she wasn't even trying to be mean or combative with him. This just proves that vvomen don't care about the things men go thru in relationships. They don't hear you at all.
Just accept it and keep it pushing.
They never listen and they never care
i love women who use mens vulnerability against them - we thank you so much for your honesty and clear indication of why you don't belong nowhere near men!!!
"When some people are just asking for 'tell me how you feel right now.'"
This. In terms of vulnerability this is all anyone can really ask for.
What's interesting is i'm an emotionally closed off woman. I don't easily trust or feel comfortable to be vulnerable in my relationships so i feel i've always related to men in this regard because of course it comes from a fear of someone abusing that trust and vulnerability and also from my belief that it's healthy to keep somethings to yourself and save it for therapy...I think humans make it a big deal to know EVERY SINGLE THING about someone when it's not even necessarily/affecting the relationship.
I acknowledge somethings are important to talk about/be vulnerable with when one is ready and when it could potentially affect/is affecting the relationship. Also, there are things your partner will not know how to respond or deal, hence the reason why i mention therapy. A reaction from your partner could potentially make you even MORE closed off in some areas.
I always love how women tell men how to express their emotions
Narcissists obsessed with micro-managing and control
How men constantly shame women for emotions and call them irrational. Love that. Only be prepared as a man to be shamed for emotions yourself.
@@reenaree1953 well yeah it’s true. I mean look at you, you got all up in your feelings and wrote something irrational.
@@reenaree1953 You're triggered by reality.
Due to millions of years of evolution that shaped the collective genetic behavior that makes up a relationship, men are typically stoic and women are emotional. There are scientific evolutionary rational reasons for this, that are based in reality.
Men are most comfortable and efficient at processing emotion internally or with someone who is not his partner.
Women are most comfortable and efficient at processing emotions by expressing it, espescially to a partner.
Why are you so intent on forcing a method of processing emotions on men, that is not biologically healthy for men.
It's like giving me terrible advice that I should put gasoline in my electric car and do oil changes and stuff, because that's how you keep your gasoline carvgoing...simply because you are unwilling two accept my car, and your car is not the same, because that reality causes you emotional discomfort. This is definition of irrational thought.
Men and women are not the same, biologically. We do not operate the same emotionally. The emotional maintenance required to remain mentally and emotionally healthy and comfortable is different.
The fact that you choose to ignore reality due to feeling an emotional aversion toward this reality, is irrational by definition.
@ Tyler Durden I have a question in regards to your dissertation: Do you currently feel emotionally healthy and comfortable?
Shan this was great! I really feel like I heard Aba N Preach! I’m excited to listen to the full episode. I’d love to hear about how they feel about vulnerability through smaller bite size moments. I really loved the castle metaphor. I really want men to feel supported in being deeply honest because everybody’s vulnerability is a portal to freedom at least through my eyes. Peace y’all!
I think apart of this that people as a whole don't consider is that, most people don't fully grasp what real vulnerability is. One person might let you into their head space in one way, another person will display what they're feeling in another. It's not always going to be crying, hugging, or something where they're just exposed in the most stereotypical manner. Everyone has different experiences, upbringings, preferences of personal presentation, boundaries, and/or trauma that guides how they ultimately behave and share themselves. Which means that you simply have to accept that everyone is not you. One thing that could help everyone is learning how to read other people. More often than not even if someone doesn't verbally tell you everything about themselves, they will still display it via body language. Observe their behaviors, facial expressions, their sense of humor and how they present it. You can read all of that use it as a means to ask questions in private settings.
Using my family as an example, it's easy to know how we feel about certain things because even if we say absolutely nothing, we wear how we feel on our faces without even noticing. When we're angry in particular, our eyebrows arch themselves in this weird way. The rest of our expression could be completely calm, but the eyebrows are always a dead give away that something is up, and we are to be left alone. Aside from that, getting back to my main point, it's pretty easy to get people to open up when they see that you either don't want anything from them, or they just look at you as a non-threatening figure. I know this because people tell me damn near everything about themselves within moments of meeting me. Largely because I present myself as a very jokey or indifferent person who's very candid in most conversations. Mind you, no one tells me absolutely everything about themselves. But I manage to get people to tell me more about themselves than they would to most others during their first encounters with complete strangers.
With that, as someone who jokes a lot, it's how I cope with most of the things I've seen or experienced. Good, bad, it doesn't matter. I present my life to people as what I consider to be funny anecdotal stories. I've seen or been through shit that others would find horrifying. But I express it in a way that keeps me calm so that I can most rationally deal with it. Someone else might be more stoic though. The next person might come off perpetually depressed when they're really quite happy. The next might just pretend to be happy, saying whatever you want to hear because they have issues with wanting to please people. You have to actually take the steps to get to know someone to figure these things out. Which is typically done by befriending them before y'all start dating in the first place. Which is where I personally believe most people fail first and foremost. It can take years to fully get to know someone below the surface. But a lot of people settle for blind dates, tinder, or just asking out strangers they've just met somewhere. While oddly expecting
The last thing, tying it back to the contrast between men and women specifically, I think the way that a lot of men specifically interact with their surroundings is very survival based. A lot of, not all, women don't or just outright can't grasp that, and it creates this disconnect. "If I relay this information to you and it gets out, it could get you, me, or someone else I hold dear harmed or killed," is a very real unspoken statement that many men tell themselves. Even if they lead an otherwise boring existence. If we don't already volunteer a certain piece of information, it sets off a bell in our heads that asks, "okay but why do you need to know that? Why would you WANT to know that?" The best way that I could describe the feeling is if some rando asked for our bank information. That or the painful understanding and awareness that everything is completely temporary. Be it relationships or life itself. A person is in your life, and gone the next, and in the event that they're still alive when the inevitable happens.... "damn, that nigga has my private (bank) info." lol
I had this conversation with an ex about being vulnerable, in particular, why I wasn't so forthcoming with it for her. Imagine me telling you my deepest darkest secret. That's like me opening my chest up for you to reach inside and do whatever you want. You can grab my heart and crush it if you wanted to. Now imagine me telling a much smaller secret. That's like a cut that draws blood. Could I die from that? If treated properly, no. If not treated properly, yes because even a small cut can kill you if it gets infected. My ex whose a therapist couldn't fully grasp that logic. This was a woman whom I'd been in a relationship for all of 3 months expecting me to share stuff with her that I don't even share with friends I've had for over a decade. I agree with A&P on this sickening notion of commercializing men's pain. Our pain isn't some pint of gelato to be reached for when you're feeling bad ffs. Rant over.
I really like how you pointed out in the episode that when women are saying this, they often times aren’t looking for you to reveal your deep past trauma. Often we just want to hear how you feel about everyday things. I wish they would’ve been more receptive to that point. I definitely think they are right that it’s all of our jobs to create safe spaces 100%. But I also see it as very selfish for a man to be in a partnership and not be willing to give into the emotional work it takes on BOTH sides. We literally are creating bonds to connect and relate and if I can’t do that with you because you’re not willing… I’m out.
Edit: Y’all are still hella pressed about this comment…go talk to someone about it 🤷🏾♀️
Boom! 🙌🏾
Periodt!!!!
💯💯💯
It really is this simple sometimes.
they made it so complicated on purpose, turning vulnerability into this dark and twisted thing
It takes greater strength to not advertise anything about your business that no one needs to know and doesn't improve, if any, aspect of a relationship
Never show vulnerability to women. Especially, when you're with a woman for years. She will remember every single vulnerability that you've shown and she'll focus on it. I've experienced it and I will never ever let that happen again. I'd rather jump on Eiffel Tower.
Yeah ok dynamite
It was the switch up to speaking French for me …. Lol 😂 when we get so cringed from something we have to speak our native tongue lol 😂
"vulnerability is a new sexy" is like telling men that being short is a new sexy :D
I need to watch it in full now !
the key part of the conversation that is missing is that vulnerability is more for the communicator than the listener. if you think you're doing it for someone else, and not your own freedom, you generally will feel cheated or underwhelmed by the practice. lack of transparency in relationships makes us insecure. also, when you dont practice vulnerability, you run the of risk of leaping into the deep end with ppl you barely know and then when it goes left, you're like, never again. there are levels of transparency.
This comment section is why men don't feel open to be vulnerable.
Right..
It's a hint at least
Then you are all pretty weak
@@lolanaenamilo2395 yeah, men are weak and its a toxic patriachial narrative that men have to be strong. I hope you oppose patriarchy.
@@lolanaenamilo2395 what happened to you being against generalizing? lmao hypocritical af you a whole lame
Honestly I love this video because it definitely touches base on one of the biggest hypocrisies in 21rst Century feminism and those that follow it's group think ideology. Time and time again that I've dated "modern" "feminist" type women = they claim they appreciate a man who is emotionally available and they complain about their exes not doing so. But the moment there is a dispute, the same women will cut you with those memories and experiences they convinced you to trust them with. I also hate the fact that I've seen many of my guy friends deal with women who claim they want honesty from their man, but when they receive it they label him as an asshole and don't ever want to look at their own toxic behaviors.
Vulnerability is just an honest projection of who you are as a person, no masking, no show, no fronts, no acting to hide your true self. It does not necessarily mean that you have to divulge your traumas, your weakness, good or bad memories. Being vulnerable is not just beneficial for the other person in the relationship, but if you plan on building a life with someone, having children, sharing a home, it would sure help to feel comfortable being, the self that you are when you are alone, in a shared space as well. Cause years of masking becomes EXHAUSTING!
The use of "a castles'" weak walls as an analogy for a relationship, is interesting and also very telling of the kind of relationships that Aba anticipates.
I love both Aba and Preach's approach though, I rarely agree lol, but it is a different perspective.
Lanmou!
Loved the full podcast, very comprehensive and honest 👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿
This is so interesting to watch and see!
When Preach had to switch to French, I felt that... 😤
My boy was sooo on hell THE FUCK no that he had to go to ANOTHER LANGUAGE 🤣🤣🤣🤣 DAAM!!
This was one of the hardest things for one if my exes to understand about me. She had never been with an emotionally strong and independent man and so opening up is not something that is easy especially if I don't know that I can trust you fully with your own thoughts.
The Danny that most women try to tell us that we should feel the way they do is where they go wrong and vice versa. We must learn to be authentic in our own experience and be willing to accept each other for them having their journey and being willing to walk with us. You can't tell me what I am feeling along the way.
This was a thoughtful and insightful video. I Love ❤️ discussions such as this🙌🏾
okay. follow up question; why is vulnerability seeming to be synonymous with negative emotional expression? whining, weeping? lol, it’s interesting that when asked about vulnerability that’s the interpretation of what it is. i have to preface by saying that _balance_ is the new sexy for me if anything, because i think everything in moderation in my life makes me the happiest and i love vulnerability to be present for me and in people around me, but i often don’t want anything all the time personally. my point here tho is that vulnerability doesn’t just involve like... sobbing! it’s also sweetness and softness, reaching out when u might feel like pulling back, tender exchanges, bravery, honesty, candid and calm conversations about things that might feel crazy to talk about (all similar things really but different) leaving the house when u wanna stay home, talking about sex, your desires, your dreams, applying for the job ur afraid to, like. tell me why everybody is thinking solely about curling up on the floor snotty and heaving PLEASE
Communication is the only way we can move forwards, as individuals, in relationships and as communities.
I think it's because that's the part that you need the most support with and the part that most women don't even want to entertain (imo). It's easy to share/hear all the good stuff. I want to make sure my S.O doesn't run for the hills when she sees me ugly crying as a man.
Someone finally said it. We also leave out emotional intelligence and maturity in this conversation. As an adult, I want to know that my partner can emotionally self regulate. That does not mean being a stonewall nor does it mean being a complete mess all of the time. It has nothing to do with gender and everything to do with maturity and healthy coping skills.
Because often enough that messy crying type of emotionality is how women express their vulnerability to their boyfriends, the issue is women have unfair and hypocritical emotional standards for men- so guys see women express their vulnerability their way and try it for themselves not knowing the bar is lower for male emotional acceptance. This is met with “he can’t cry more than me, he has to be stoic” crap that makes men not feel like valued humans. Women need to actually be honest instead of saying vulnerability is sexy
And vulnerability extends to more than just happiness, you can’t just demand to only hear the good emotions from your partner- honestly how does that kind of one sided relationship selfishness even develop?
I love that he brought out his views and you were more open to correcting your views. I totally learned more from them opening up and sharing the males point of view. Makes so much sense.
as a female who has a bf, whom I have seen crying, it was heartbreaking, but also I was glad he was comfortable enough around me to show that side of him. But it was really heartbreaking and I felt so so helpless seeing him react like that. It's heavy man...
Can’t wait to listen to the full episode.
5:09 absolutely true, at least for me. I have gotten so closed up and defensive through years. And i know, but it´s easier to get defensive, but it´s way more harder to open up a little when you have serious trust issues coming first from an effed up family and then from being let down when you do open up. You just lose a way to communicate without being cynical and stuff.
Last woman I dated I told her I learned to never show vulnerability. She said if a women uses that against you, she's a bad person.
Later on I showed vulnerability with this particular girl. She started texting another guy while were still in bed together. And that was the last time I saw her.
Never again
good interview. She was very open to ideas and I appreciate that. Its not easy to sit there and just listen to mens issues in regards to women without getting defensive.
found this video as i follow Aba and Preach. this is one of those "we do want it, but not really" kind of topics. yes, women do wish that a guy would be more willing to open up and be vulnerable with them... but then they also want him to be able to stuff that shit down and man up when he needs to. i can't say it's a bad thing to show vulnerability as a man, but you have to 1) know yourself well enough to know when you are sharing too much and 2) it can't be just something anyone can do. you can't be dating a girl a couple weeks and then just break down in front of her. that kind of vulnerability that women want in a man, for me at least, would take years to get to the point of me being able to show even the smallest bit of it. I'm an Army veteran. I have my issues, i handle them and do what i have to to keep them in check, but they are very hard for me to share with anyone. it took me a year of talking to a therapist to be able to open up with them about what goes on.
so it's not bad to be vulnerable. you just have to know how to manage it so that you aren't being that way all the time. but being able to open up fully to a devoted partner and share when you are having a hard time with things... it can be a moment to build trust in the relationship.
Bill Burr actually talks about the subject of women using something they know is a sore spot for men, ESPECIALLY when an argument happens.
"My girl knows the thing I am sensitive about is growing old and being that guy in the downstairs apartment screaming at the younger couple upstairs...."
"Everytime she would start to lose an argument she would just say something like, Well that is why your going to grow old and alone."
It is from a segment named "You should never hit a woman" in one of his standup specials
The best thing in this comment section is all the girls trying to frame 'being vulnerable' as like this completely non substantive such like showing more emotions, or smiling when someone's not looking or admitting something mildly embarrassing. Learn to be a guy and see how hard it is to get the balance right, and to PLEASE you. I also see a lot of people saying that there's a difference between dropping trauma bombs early on and being a little bit open - the reality is that girls bouncing at different stages of the relationship is not proportional to how vulnerable you are. If you step over the edge slightly at the wrong time it doesnt go from like ten percent to 20 percent it goes from like 10 percent to 40 percent. You think guys dont know? Guys know because guys get punnished severely for not knowing how YOU work when trying to date or get into relationships!
Again this just shows you’re very insecure and have weak boundaries. It’s not a bad thing but because of that, that’s why you end up in those situations. Once you become confident and have strong boundaries, people using your vulnerabilities won’t hurt you anymore, because you’ll tell them no, and if they respect it they’ll never do that again, and if they don’t respect that boundary, then you’ll leave or that toxic person will leave, which is great because you know your worth and you don’t need to be around toxic people.
Whether or not you can admit it to yourself vulnerability can also betray weakness, which is objectively a turn off for girls and balancing how much you share and when is hard and the results substantive, sometimes exponential and inconsistent. I'm not saying something any guy doesn't know here I know how to balance vulnerability but despite your use of the word insecurity as a smear, it literally is an insecure process. You have never been in this situation so you can't even conceive it exists, however people who actually have skin in the game and something to lose if they fuck it up are aware.
In addition to this it's got nothing to do with boundaries, holding someone to a line they can't cross or knowing where your problems overstep another is not the same thing as this, it is objectively unattractive to show girls these traits except in extremely nuanced ways that are not easy to navigate and since you have abandonment plus a non predictable pattern without extremely good emotional and social skills that is going to cause insecurity; no reasonable person would argue non predictability with high stakes of loss doesn't produce insecurity, that is an insane suggestion
@@depressedessendonfan5702 who cares what a women thinks or any one in that matter. Just proving my point that you lack a high self esteem for yourself and boundaries
@@madisoncontroversial7348 this is just an idiot repeat addressing nothing. Including the diss on self esteem, you've had that completely unravelled so you just repeat it. am I a racist too lmfao
This taught me something for sure. Vulnerability from a man isn't just cuddles and kisses and him expressing his undying love for you. Vulnerability involves exposing your worries and traumas and are some women REALLY ready for that? Do we have the education or even maturity respond properly? Are we just going to be awkward or insensitive? That's a raw state to leave someone in. Men and women got sooooooo much work in understanding each other.
I also think most women have the wrong idea of what male vulnerability is and what it looks like. It doesn’t look “brave” or “courageous” to open to somebody or let them trust you with something. It is painful, depressing, and not pretty to listen to or watch in any way. And it can manifest with any emotion. Frustration, gratitude, sorrow, etc.
Great topic. Listening to the podcast now.
This chat was so interesting and eye opening. Thank you Shan!
I’m not sure about this but I think the point is men being vulnerable is a different thing from women being vulnerable.Two different things.Approaching it from a remedy that worked for women just won’t cut it.Not that it isn’t enough or wrong.We’re just made different.Vulnerability feels vague to use as a subject for highly personal feelings and emotions.Much older people will probably have more wisdom about this subject.
I'm not so sure it is. It might be more acceptable in women, but they get taken advantage of as well and it gets thrown back in their faces too.
@@toomuchinformation that is a lie. humanity’s propensity to take pity on women. not men.
@@etf42 Take pity. In what way? Women's emotional (and physical) vulnerability does get used against them.
I think you're right that approaching it from a remedy that worked for women isn't going to cut it for men. The thing is, I don't think that it works for women either, esp in personal relationships.
Not enough is said about finding the right people to confide in. Just because someone is your friend, family or partner doesn't mean that you should confide in them. Sometimes they're wholly unsuitable and disappointment ensues.
There's also a difference between being vulnerable and trauma dumping.
@@toomuchinformation i love how you question things that are easily understandable just to try and make a point. what do you think the underlying premise of the term 'man up' is? there is plenty of empirical evidence along with a basic understanding of survival and preproduction that proves that men are viewed as the more disposable sex. stop with the gaslighting
This was fantastic. Thanks Shan.
As a women ive felt this enough from both males and females I've trusted. Being vulnerable is a big leap of faith and shouldnt be done with everyone. Not everyone is ready for the responsibility and trust you may be 100% down for.
Facts
I had a women i worked with said she saw her husband break down and cry for the first time when his dad passed away. She said she looked at him as weak, and lost attraction to him.
I've heard that more than once.
@@MrBobDobolina Same
Preach: "Tabarnack"
Aba: *breathes in*
Me: Oh dear here we go again, criss
VIVE LE QUÉBEC LIBRE SIMONAC
Listen to the whole episode loved it felt like a lot of bases got covered and was a good discussion
Thank you Aba and Preach!! Its about time someone set Shan straight.
They need to read Brene Browns work on vulnerability and shame. Pain is inevitable. Being guarded to the point of no emotional depth doesn’t stop pain, it only causes another kind - social isolation, mental health issues etc. I understand where they are coming from because letting it all hang out without processing and understanding your emotions isn’t healthy either, but that’s the main issue so many emotionally unavailable men suffer from - thinking their guards are protecting them when it’s only limiting their emotional and social supports and meaningful connections.
I'm glad you commented this. I'm on my 2nd read through of Dare to Lead & using it in the workplace & home. Her work to deweaponize shame & empower ppl through vulnerability is powerful. But it's totally not something a guy like me would have naturally gravitated towards if our leadership team didn't do a workshop on it. Now I refer to it often.
@@shadowsaiyan that’s amazing! Yes her work is really eye opening and applicable in so many areas of life. I started with her book the gifts of imperfection.
And THAT is weak.
So glad someone mentioned Brene. Every time I see someone mentioning it I wish they would refer to her works and be clear on what it is and isn’t. She emphasizes sharing your stories with people who’ve earned the right to hear them, those who make you feel safe.
Vulnerability is uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. Why do people keep conflating this word with over sharing and histrionics when it comes to men?
Newsflash: If you’re human, you’re already vulnerable. That’s why we have so many shields in place to protect ourselves from the physical and social elements around us.
Preeaaaaccchhhh!
Love this conversation. Also just wanted to point out that the sponsorship wasn’t in the podcast audio.
I love the Castle analogy. It was spot on!!
Oh goody, another video about what women want from men, can't wait to hear.
if only more women took the time to actually to understand the full issue like you (without a feminine or any other lens). Also, thank you for acknowledging that you are wrong.
In my last relationship I opened up and showed emotions and weeks later I found out my GF at the time told her sister and that they just talked shit about it and about me after that it’s made it hard to open up to anyone else because I don’t want to experience how that made me feel again.
There is a time and place for being vulnerable and showing emotion.
The word (vulnerable ) said it clearly. If you are vulnerable, then you are weak, defenseless . If you are ok to that, then you are ready to be shot on your chest at any time. Men should never be vulnerable unless it is your best friend (another man).