Crime is Down! - A Message From The FBI

Поділитися
Вставка
  • Опубліковано 8 чер 2024
  • CATCH ME LIVE (Link in Bio): Fairfield, CT Apr 13, Hamilton, ON Apr 19/20, Dallas, TX Apr 25 - 28, Morris Plains, NJ May 11, Minneapolis, MN May 30 - Jun 2
    Edmonton, AB July 25 - 28, Vancouver, BC Aug 8 - Aug 11
    Watch my standup: • Danny Polishchuk - The...
    Check out my podcasts all on UA-cam:
    Tuesday 9pm: Low Value Mail Live Call-in Show
    Wednesday 10:30pm: The Bath House Live Call-In Show From The Stand Comedy Club Green Room
    Friday: The Boyscast with Ryan Long
    Follow me everywhere:
    dannyjokes
    dannyjokes
    dannycomedy
  • Комедії

КОМЕНТАРІ • 222

  • @ANobodyatall
    @ANobodyatall 2 місяці тому +274

    Reporting crime is a hate crime.

    • @james10739
      @james10739 2 місяці тому +1

      Basically but you can't blame anyone bot the people committing the crimes

    • @straypussy2635
      @straypussy2635 2 місяці тому +12

      Hating crime is a Hate Crime

    • @andry4313
      @andry4313 2 місяці тому +2

      Reporting crime in a small way stems from hate

    • @DgardsGaming
      @DgardsGaming 2 місяці тому

      Then shouldn’t numbers being going up?

    • @BetterWorse-ge6ci
      @BetterWorse-ge6ci 2 місяці тому

      Good. I hate 94% of Earth's bipedal hominids.

  • @JohnCenaWarriorPrincess
    @JohnCenaWarriorPrincess 2 місяці тому +110

    Crime goes up 30%. Crime goes down from new high by 5%. Crime is down, guys.

  • @johnnymetonymic
    @johnnymetonymic 2 місяці тому +102

    Who knew the best way to stop crime, is to just make everything legal. Except noticing stuff that used to be called crime, that's the most illegal thing of all.

    • @bills5009
      @bills5009 2 місяці тому +5

      It's like my new diet. I eat whatever I want and gain no weight. I simply never get on a scale. If you never get on a scale, you never gain weight.

    • @ZIbroweed
      @ZIbroweed 2 місяці тому +1

      @@bills5009 Alternatively just redefine a lb to mean the weight of a standard bar-bell and you'll probably weigh between 3 and 5 lbs. That's almost nothing!

    • @johnwayne2065
      @johnwayne2065 2 місяці тому +1

      It's not crime - it's the redistribution of wealth to the marginalized, the racialized, the oppressed.

    • @drewwilson6639
      @drewwilson6639 2 місяці тому

      Or you manipulate the crime statistics

  • @ANobodyatall
    @ANobodyatall 2 місяці тому +51

    Russia doesn't need to destabilise the US, it does that itself!

    • @raiklaub975
      @raiklaub975 2 місяці тому

      well, Russia and China are adding a slight push. Like the foot sweep in mma when the opponent goes in the desired direction you add a push or a sweep and down it goes

    • @captainchaoscow
      @captainchaoscow Місяць тому

      Russia should get back Alaska!

  • @Doooooooooooood
    @Doooooooooooood 2 місяці тому +41

    In Scotland, the population approximately 5 million. We have so much hate crime now we needed a new law for it all, but not hate against Women. Our Cops recently said they won't be investigating low level crime but will investigate all hate crime reports. On the first day of the new law, police received nearly 4000 cases.

    • @godoftwinkies574
      @godoftwinkies574 2 місяці тому +2

      It just works.

    • @tightwad
      @tightwad 2 місяці тому

      Been following your burgeoning Idiotocracy. Best of luck from WA where up has been down for decades.

    • @richardscales9795
      @richardscales9795 Місяць тому

      Most of those reports were against the scumbag Humza

  • @Saltine76
    @Saltine76 2 місяці тому +60

    I love you too FBI. Can you take my firearms and store them for me? Thanks FBI

  • @skepticfucker280
    @skepticfucker280 2 місяці тому +175

    Independent fact checkers and snopes have declared this video to be 100% real.
    #factchecked

    • @immaleaf4964
      @immaleaf4964 2 місяці тому +10

      I still find it funny that Snopes is two lesbians and a cat with the ex-husband living in the basement and they're the gold standard for fact checking

  • @kdc6884
    @kdc6884 2 місяці тому +26

    13% of haters commit 60% hate crimes.

    • @markbrandon7359
      @markbrandon7359 2 місяці тому +4

      That was in 2020 the numbers are way higher now. And how did you get away with posting that if I did it the post would be deleted

    • @Jianju69
      @Jianju69 Місяць тому

      Betting it's closer to 80%.

    • @kdc6884
      @kdc6884 Місяць тому +1

      @@markbrandon7359 Can’t mention Basketball Americans with statistics. UA-cam immediately deletes the comments. 😅

    • @dandyandy642
      @dandyandy642 Місяць тому

      It isn't the women doing the crime. Only the men so that is actually 6% doing 60% of the crime.

    • @markbrandon7359
      @markbrandon7359 Місяць тому

      @@Jianju69 two blue cities that I can't mention their names stopped reporting crimes to the FBI remember they used to post the number of shootings every week now they don't. When 50 thieves attack a store is that counted as one robbery or 50

  • @antonioreconquistador
    @antonioreconquistador 2 місяці тому +48

    Crime is down, especially from a certain 52% of criminals that happen to be 13% of a certain complexion. I remember cito being the manager, those were rough years.

    • @stash.
      @stash. 2 місяці тому +4

      Snopes says only 4% of that 13% commit most homicides so you're wrong!

    • @lilben4184
      @lilben4184 2 місяці тому

      Snopes Fact check: pAnts On fIrE, immigrants commit less crimes than natural-born Americans! (Hint: 'natural-born' includes the 13% 👀👀👀)

    • @SortOfEggish
      @SortOfEggish 2 місяці тому +1

      ^^ Most common type of "Boys Cast" fan btw

    • @dandyandy642
      @dandyandy642 Місяць тому

      It's not the women of complexion doing it. So it's more like 6% of the complexion.

    • @antonioreconquistador
      @antonioreconquistador Місяць тому

      @@dandyandy642 idk man there are tons of liveleak and mcdonalds fight videos and security cameras at holemarts nationwide that show they too have a propensity for violent crime. You ever seen what they do to dey keedz?

  • @joeblow229
    @joeblow229 2 місяці тому +25

    Didn't all of the big cities just stop reporting their crime stats to the FBI..?

    • @AMMAZZARE
      @AMMAZZARE 2 місяці тому

      That’s the joke here dude…

    • @_Vengeance_
      @_Vengeance_ 2 місяці тому

      IIRC, they still report their crime stats, but they ignore crime reports from civilians (and if they're not in their own stats, they're not going to the FBI either), and as a result civilians don't bother reporting crimes anymore.

  • @mmhm007
    @mmhm007 2 місяці тому +42

    Great timing. I was just thinking (as I do everyday) that I also love you FBI. If I can't trust you, who can I trust?

    • @margaretthatcher6828
      @margaretthatcher6828 2 місяці тому +3

      Great...we'll take you off the list.

    • @mmhm007
      @mmhm007 2 місяці тому

      @@margaretthatcher6828 🥰

    • @praapje
      @praapje 2 місяці тому

      Ghostbusters!

  • @Thx1138sober
    @Thx1138sober 2 місяці тому +5

    Grocery store prices are down, the fact that they cost 40% more than in 2019 is just your imagination.

  • @BozesanVlad
    @BozesanVlad 2 місяці тому +16

    If you don't send them to court and get a conviction, is no crime in statistics. :)

    • @lanceknuth5300
      @lanceknuth5300 2 місяці тому +1

      >defund police
      >virtually nobody turns themselves in
      >best crime rate ever

  • @12vscience
    @12vscience 2 місяці тому +5

    It's not the crimes that count, it's the people that count the crimes that count.

  • @OoTRIGGAMANoO
    @OoTRIGGAMANoO 2 місяці тому +10

    I've never been more convinced of anything ever! I knew the FBI loved me back, I just knew it!🥰

  • @StephenLawson
    @StephenLawson 2 місяці тому +14

    Another brilliant video from the master. Im all about a healthy gaslighting end capped by an "I love you." Reminds me of my first wife.

  • @jswets5007
    @jswets5007 2 місяці тому +21

    I hate crime. Oh shit, that's a hate crime?

  • @dontpanic716
    @dontpanic716 2 місяці тому +7

    Shout out to the old Blue Jays manager Cito Gaston

  • @theophrastus3.056
    @theophrastus3.056 2 місяці тому +3

    This FBI actor is more believable than the real FBI.

  • @selwrynn6702
    @selwrynn6702 2 місяці тому +2

    Very "welcome to Costco, I love you" energy

  • @motsnrub
    @motsnrub 2 місяці тому +6

    Dad, is that you? Thanks for finally saying you love us. You went out for heaters 16 years ago but you have been working for the FBI this whole time!

  • @tylerd.5694
    @tylerd.5694 2 місяці тому +7

    Who would have known that the movie 'Dude Where's My Car' was actually just Russian disinformation this whole time

  • @Whitecat76
    @Whitecat76 2 місяці тому +18

    I heard after this video they forced him to be an FBI agent

  • @TheMastertbc
    @TheMastertbc 2 місяці тому +8

    The crime goes down if you just down record it

  • @SuperMrgentleman
    @SuperMrgentleman 2 місяці тому +14

    Hope all these people remember where their cars are parked. Alzheimer's disease sure is awful!

    • @lanceknuth5300
      @lanceknuth5300 2 місяці тому

      For their good and the safety of society they should be committed to care homes and spared the stress of making hard decisions. One of those hard decisions would be voting but that is just a coincidence.

    • @macattack1958
      @macattack1958 2 місяці тому +1

      Have they consider MAID? We are from the government and we want to help.

  • @tormodundheim259
    @tormodundheim259 2 місяці тому +2

    "Welcome to Costco, I love you"

  • @DekkarJr
    @DekkarJr 2 місяці тому +1

    "We love you"
    omg... I really needed that * hug *
    thank you FBI man :3

  • @BurnerPopcornAccount
    @BurnerPopcornAccount 2 місяці тому +2

    Danny has the perfect look for a government employee 😅

  • @wolfsokaya
    @wolfsokaya 2 місяці тому +1

    If you dont count crime as a crime, it will go down.

  • @SuperSuperdude88
    @SuperSuperdude88 2 місяці тому +4

    lmfao cito gaston aka jays old coach!!! MVP BABY!!

  • @glennhubbard5008
    @glennhubbard5008 2 місяці тому +1

    Love crimes are way down.

  • @wedgefeyhong9756
    @wedgefeyhong9756 2 місяці тому +17

    Sayin first is gay.

  • @dragonrider9051
    @dragonrider9051 2 місяці тому +6

    Brilliant

  • @Say_When
    @Say_When Місяць тому +1

    Reporting about the reporting of crime is a hate crime

  • @mustang607
    @mustang607 2 місяці тому +1

    Believe all FBI, like we believe all women, and all men, and all News reporters, and all politicians.

  • @Tim_the_Enchanter
    @Tim_the_Enchanter 2 місяці тому +2

    I always knew the FBI loved me, but it's still nice to hear.

  • @purdysanchez
    @purdysanchez Місяць тому +1

    Meanwhile, self reported anonymous hate crime is way up, even though 90% of it doesn't get investigated or verified.

  • @paulbrown8216
    @paulbrown8216 2 місяці тому

    I'd rather be hated than to be lied to.

  • @Redacted724
    @Redacted724 Місяць тому

    Noticing who is attacking people in the streets is a hate crime.
    Not wanting crime is a hate crime.
    Wanting a safe neighborhood is a hate crime.
    There’s 3 hate crimes right there!!!

  • @JAFFAWIRE
    @JAFFAWIRE 2 місяці тому +2

    Wow Cito Gaston sure landed on his feet after leaving the Blue Jays.

  • @jacobnussbaum2309
    @jacobnussbaum2309 Місяць тому +1

    I keep telling my girl that I DON'T have ED and if she thinks I'm not getting it up she my just be a victim of Russian disinformation

  • @goosiechild
    @goosiechild 2 місяці тому +4

    i know it's insincere. and it's the FBI. but gosh darn it... sometimes a girl just needs to hear those words 🥲

  • @ezekielbrockmann114
    @ezekielbrockmann114 Місяць тому

    This needs to be a series.

  • @furcifer1071
    @furcifer1071 2 місяці тому

    😂 I believe you as much as I believe MSM

  • @Dale-TND
    @Dale-TND 2 місяці тому +2

    Wow the fbi guy looks like the mossad guy, what a coincidence

  • @traillesstravelled7901
    @traillesstravelled7901 Місяць тому

    We've investigated ourselves ( not actual public crimes) and we've found that we're doing a better job than ever.

  • @johnwayne2065
    @johnwayne2065 2 місяці тому

    Great video - our overlords at UA-cam saw fit to serve this up to me totally ad-free, no doubt out of benevolence.

  • @frandeep
    @frandeep 2 місяці тому

    Thanks for the post Cito.
    Pinball Clemons says hello.

  • @leehranicka3689
    @leehranicka3689 2 місяці тому

    Crime was lower because NO ONE is prosecuting Crime! FTFBI!

  • @jaykekeola
    @jaykekeola 2 місяці тому

    Thank God.

  • @jfuge
    @jfuge 2 місяці тому +1

    I keep seeing comparisons between this year and 2022, one of the worst crime years in history. Crime is down compared to 2022, but still way up from 2019.

  • @indianastoned8234
    @indianastoned8234 2 місяці тому

    The FBI is the loving father figure I wish I'd had as a kid

  • @rontimus
    @rontimus 2 місяці тому

    Finally. I am loved.

  • @VincitOmniaVeritas7
    @VincitOmniaVeritas7 2 місяці тому

    Now that’s some gaslighting you can trust!

  • @jklax
    @jklax 2 місяці тому

    Lol.... Good new beach goers. That 1000ft tsunami wave is down by 13%. You're welcome.

  • @youtrickube1475
    @youtrickube1475 2 місяці тому

    Cito Gaston! Hilarious.

  • @SeveredLegs
    @SeveredLegs 2 місяці тому +1

    Feeling so loved right now. ☺

  • @user-ie5mk1qq8g
    @user-ie5mk1qq8g 2 місяці тому +2

    As a pro hater, I assure you we do be hating a lot. But not you, FBI. We love you.

  • @BloodyCanadian
    @BloodyCanadian 2 місяці тому +1

    Cito doesn't look the same as I remember him but good for him getting a gig at the FBI. From the Blue Jays to the FBI...

  • @jb7720
    @jb7720 2 місяці тому

    Haha i was scrolling while listening to the pod and you guys are talking about this right as i saw it lol

  • @webreakforsquirrel4201
    @webreakforsquirrel4201 2 місяці тому

    Feel the love.

  • @maximeanselot3007
    @maximeanselot3007 2 місяці тому +3

    Seems legit

  • @Alexander_Martin
    @Alexander_Martin 2 місяці тому

    We're from the government, and we're here to help...

  • @MichaelGalt
    @MichaelGalt 2 місяці тому

    Wait, wait! NY and LA don't report their crime statistics to the FBI? 🧐

  • @darausus8315
    @darausus8315 Місяць тому

    There would be no crime if anything become "no-crime".

  • @Bawkr
    @Bawkr 2 місяці тому

    This is exactly how it feels to receive a message from the ghuboormhant these days.

  • @runthenumbers9698
    @runthenumbers9698 2 місяці тому

    Welcome to the FBI. I love you...
    Welcome to the FBI. I love you...

  • @karlheber23
    @karlheber23 2 місяці тому

    I love you too, FBI. 😘

  • @Rolfe89
    @Rolfe89 2 місяці тому

    My token sacrifice to the algorithm.

  • @YogGroove
    @YogGroove 2 місяці тому

    I always wonder what Cito did after managing the Blue Jays.

  • @shrug41
    @shrug41 2 місяці тому

    If I hate crime, is that a hate crime?

  • @franklinfisher497
    @franklinfisher497 2 місяці тому

    love the vids

  • @uncertaintytoworldpeace3650
    @uncertaintytoworldpeace3650 Місяць тому

    I was just taking about how untrustworthy this guy looks then he’s like “I love you” and suddenly I’m all in!

  • @pnwrx1562
    @pnwrx1562 2 місяці тому +4

    *I beg of you to use the name Danny Tunnels for one of these skits.*

    • @antonioreconquistador
      @antonioreconquistador 2 місяці тому

      Danny tunnels never played for bad blue gays teams. He tried out to be the ballboy, claiming to be a catcher in college, but they refused him because he requested extra kosher dogs on saturday games, or he wouldnt work.

  • @Quietshow
    @Quietshow 2 місяці тому

    Oh Danny.

  • @darrylp6938
    @darrylp6938 2 місяці тому

    im so glad the fbi has my back

  • @Dan14833
    @Dan14833 2 місяці тому

    All we have to do is leave some states out of this 2023’s totals and national crime level has plummeted year over year. Next year we can exclude all states and crime will drop to zero.

  • @heretic0014
    @heretic0014 2 місяці тому

    Phase 1: Go after conservatives
    Phase 2: Go after gamers

  • @Enbix
    @Enbix 2 місяці тому

    The superhero music really gets me 😭

  • @areyoulying4937
    @areyoulying4937 Місяць тому

    I’m from the government and I’m here to help you….

  • @mhc706
    @mhc706 2 місяці тому

    "(reported) crime is down!" -fbi
    "poverty is no more (because its illegal to claim poverty)" -china
    spot the difference in these two quotes

  • @GuitarJawn
    @GuitarJawn 2 місяці тому

    Something about this guy rubs me the right way

  • @TheNumber
    @TheNumber 2 місяці тому

    We have less young people, crime will be lower.

  • @nicholasconners1901
    @nicholasconners1901 2 місяці тому

    Can FBI agent Jimmy Williams please get to work on the crime statistics for NYC and LA?

  • @O4C209
    @O4C209 2 місяці тому

    You didn't have it stolen. You just lost it.

  • @gorgeous1fangirl
    @gorgeous1fangirl 2 місяці тому

    I was wondering if the FBI loved me and this finally clears it up 😊

  • @kitkakitteh
    @kitkakitteh Місяць тому

    Sure it is.

  • @Eliteownage
    @Eliteownage 2 місяці тому

    I love you too

  • @RandomBogey
    @RandomBogey 2 місяці тому

    As a reformed Russian disinformation bot, and current semiprofessional race car driver, I’m sorry.

  • @Donatello40973
    @Donatello40973 Місяць тому

    Cito Gaston ? The baseball coach ?

  • @toolfan347
    @toolfan347 2 місяці тому +1

    If you change the definition of what a crime is, it's easy to change the statistics.

  • @vdanger7669
    @vdanger7669 2 місяці тому

    What happened to Elvis Chan? I trust him.

  • @ScrewstoneJesus713
    @ScrewstoneJesus713 2 місяці тому

    Lol Danny Boy

  • @reyray7184
    @reyray7184 2 місяці тому

    Just change the definition of crime and wallah! No crime!

  • @eamonnmckeown6770
    @eamonnmckeown6770 2 місяці тому

    I hate when the CIA orders the FBI to gaslight us. Lol. Jk NSA.

  • @christrudell7966
    @christrudell7966 2 місяці тому

    Sure.
    And the Earth is flat.

  • @chrisdavey5530
    @chrisdavey5530 2 місяці тому

    "we'd like to report that crime is down.....admittedly its cus were just not reporting it, but it is down" that'd be like if you went to a job and they had one of those x days without accident signs and then you get inside and everyone is dead lol, wonder why there werent any accidents reported lol.

  • @WhatCanSmith
    @WhatCanSmith 2 місяці тому

    What about tunnel related crime?

  • @stephananderson21
    @stephananderson21 2 місяці тому

    Crime? What is Crime? I have never experienced such things. Definitely not hate crimes. Just because I am of german heritage I'm not automatically a Nazi.

  • @elusivemayfly7534
    @elusivemayfly7534 2 місяці тому

    How fast til this gets on another channel / platform and someone thinks it’s real?