So many of you have asked for this video, and I hope it is helpful to you! Let me know what tips you might try with your co-parent, or any other concerns/challenges you have with this. Remember to download the guide for more scripts! www.terricole.com/how-to-navigate-co-parenting-with-healthy-boundaries-guide
And of course, this had to be the topic! Thank you so very much for this! I'm realizing quite a few important things... for starters, after being separated for many years from very toxic and controlling person, I just discovered that there is still a part of me that secretly hoped we could co-parent peacefully. It is me and my expectations what needs the reality check. Thank you so very much. Your book and your always sensible advice continues to be such a positive force in my life. Time to rethink and reframe my expectations. Much love!
Thank you so much for sharing that takeaway, as I'm sure you're not alone. It's a very normal hope to have ❤️ I'm glad my content has been helpful for you, too!
I coparent with a one night stand. It’s both my worst nightmare and my biggest blessing. I told him that I ONLY wanted to be friends and nothing romantic. There wasn’t ever and will never be a second date. Now he doesn’t want anything to do with me but wants to have time with our 6 month old son. He has agreed to therapy but he only texts at the end of the week to set up a weekend date to spend an hour with our son and does agreed to pay child support but often forgets. Also, he has been “sick” a month and half out of our son’s life and he has moved in with his new girlfriend of 3 months. He causes me so much anxiety to ever think about leaving my son alone with his father. How do I change this to feel more stable.
Unfortunately, you can’t control his desire to be a good father and to be present in his son’s life. You can share how you are feeling about his actions and your concerns about your son. I’m holding space for you with so much love and compassion, as this sounds very difficult for you to manage. ❤️ Continue to set boundaries with love and kindness and keep your side of the street clean. That’s all you can do at this time.
My ex and I generally communicate by text. She messages close to every other day. It is straight to the point and nothing more. However, it is usually things she already knows. She can give an update on an appoint on Monday, let me know about the the new appointment on Wednesday, then tell me something else about it Friday (example), instead of everything at once. My question would be surrounding a boundary with frequency. I understand it is dependent on the people. However, I would prefer maybe a once a week update or conversation with the exceptions of something that needs to be dealt with that day or told as a function for that day. I can also see that be a hinderance to communication. Do you have any thoughts on that?
Boundaries are all about our preferences and desires. If you're feeling the need for less frequent communication (with some exceptions), it's reasonable to express that. You could let her know you don't want it to hinder overall communication, but that it would be easier for you to handle in one message. You could suggest a once-a-week update every Friday, for example, and make it clear when exceptions can be made. It might also help to get on the same page about expectations with communication- does your ex expect you to reply to all of her texts? Or is she updating you when it's on her mind and she doesn't need a reply? Hope that helps!
I’m a new subscriber…I’m really interested because I’ve been trying this on my own. I really want to have success with this coparent but it has been hard because I’m didn’t knew how much goes into it. Both of us love the kids but we don’t see eye to eye and there seems to be a lot of spinning wheels. I need help!
Thanks for subscribing 💕 Did you download the guide for this episode? There's some extra tips in there if you didn't find what you needed in the episode itself: weeklyleadmagnets.s3.us-east-2.amazonaws.com/2024/09April2024.pdf If you don't see eye-to-eye, it sounds like you two might benefit from creating a shared vision for how you'd like to raise them, which means figuring out ways of compromising. Try to think of it as coming together to figure out what is in the kids' best interest, and leave "being right" at the door. Ask expansive questions to invite the coparent to say more, let each other speak without attacking each other (if there's conflict), and really keep it to the kids as much as possible. You might even want to establish what I call "fair fighting rules" ahead of time, like agreeing not to use below-the-belt tactics (name calling, blaming, etc.). I hope that helps.
This is great but that’s if they aren’t a liar and manipulator. My ex lives with his gf and he wasn’t even divorce yet. He cheated and lied and was already dropping off our son with her in the car. They are going to whatever they want. He lied to me about her when I confronted him about it.
Have you set boundaries with your husband to tell him this is not okay with you? Or is this a dealbreaker for you? Have you talked about it at all with him?
I have and unfortunately he does it when am out of town for assignment,I come to know of it much later after confrontation.He calls for the child on that weekend am not home and they spend at our home since the child is only 2 years.Unfortunately he met her while still with me and after unsafe sex she bore this little kiuty.
It's really draining to a point I asked him to bring her in as the 2nd wife and also let us meet because av never met this other woman but he says he can't marry her coz he does not love her but only sexually attracted
Just to clarify- you asked him to bring her in as a second wife, but is that actually what you want? Are you open to the idea of having an open relationship, or not? Only you can decide what you're willing to tolerate here. If you know your husband is doing this whenever you leave town, and that he's unwilling to stop, and you continue to stay with him, he has no reason to stop because he gets to have a relationship with you and a sexual relationship with her. Through your inaction, you're essentially telling him this is okay. But if this is an actual dealbreaker to you, you need to communicate very clearly that his continuing to be involved with her in this way will lead to divorce. There might be some nuance to this considering a toddler is involved and, assuming he wants to be part of the child's life, they will have to coparent together. But you also have a choice as to whether you want to navigate this with them. If you do, there needs to be a willingness on your husband's end to repair the trust he's broken with you.
So many of you have asked for this video, and I hope it is helpful to you! Let me know what tips you might try with your co-parent, or any other concerns/challenges you have with this. Remember to download the guide for more scripts! www.terricole.com/how-to-navigate-co-parenting-with-healthy-boundaries-guide
This video just covered what 2 counseling sessions and lots of struggling for almost a year in 15 minutes….
❤️❤️
And of course, this had to be the topic! Thank you so very much for this! I'm realizing quite a few important things... for starters, after being separated for many years from very toxic and controlling person, I just discovered that there is still a part of me that secretly hoped we could co-parent peacefully. It is me and my expectations what needs the reality check. Thank you so very much. Your book and your always sensible advice continues to be such a positive force in my life. Time to rethink and reframe my expectations. Much love!
Thank you so much for sharing that takeaway, as I'm sure you're not alone. It's a very normal hope to have ❤️ I'm glad my content has been helpful for you, too!
I use a talking parent app that keep everything on record in Ive been waiting for this video so thanks
Thanks for sharing that tip, and you're welcome 💕
Which app do you use? Do you like it?
I coparent with a one night stand. It’s both my worst nightmare and my biggest blessing. I told him that I ONLY wanted to be friends and nothing romantic. There wasn’t ever and will never be a second date. Now he doesn’t want anything to do with me but wants to have time with our 6 month old son. He has agreed to therapy but he only texts at the end of the week to set up a weekend date to spend an hour with our son and does agreed to pay child support but often forgets. Also, he has been “sick” a month and half out of our son’s life and he has moved in with his new girlfriend of 3 months. He causes me so much anxiety to ever think about leaving my son alone with his father. How do I change this to feel more stable.
Unfortunately, you can’t control his desire to be a good father and to be present in his son’s life. You can share how you are feeling about his actions and your concerns about your son. I’m holding space for you with so much love and compassion, as this sounds very difficult for you to manage. ❤️ Continue to set boundaries with love and kindness and keep your side of the street clean. That’s all you can do at this time.
I'm watching..it can be hard to navigate. Please.n thanks
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️
It IS pretty difficult tp navigate. Takes a lot of strength and emotional work.
My ex and I generally communicate by text. She messages close to every other day. It is straight to the point and nothing more. However, it is usually things she already knows. She can give an update on an appoint on Monday, let me know about the the new appointment on Wednesday, then tell me something else about it Friday (example), instead of everything at once. My question would be surrounding a boundary with frequency. I understand it is dependent on the people. However, I would prefer maybe a once a week update or conversation with the exceptions of something that needs to be dealt with that day or told as a function for that day. I can also see that be a hinderance to communication. Do you have any thoughts on that?
Boundaries are all about our preferences and desires. If you're feeling the need for less frequent communication (with some exceptions), it's reasonable to express that. You could let her know you don't want it to hinder overall communication, but that it would be easier for you to handle in one message. You could suggest a once-a-week update every Friday, for example, and make it clear when exceptions can be made. It might also help to get on the same page about expectations with communication- does your ex expect you to reply to all of her texts? Or is she updating you when it's on her mind and she doesn't need a reply? Hope that helps!
You are the Best, Terri 💕🫶🏼🙏🏼
Why, thank you! 💕
I’m a new subscriber…I’m really interested because I’ve been trying this on my own. I really want to have success with this coparent but it has been hard because I’m didn’t knew how much goes into it. Both of us love the kids but we don’t see eye to eye and there seems to be a lot of spinning wheels. I need help!
Thanks for subscribing 💕 Did you download the guide for this episode? There's some extra tips in there if you didn't find what you needed in the episode itself: weeklyleadmagnets.s3.us-east-2.amazonaws.com/2024/09April2024.pdf
If you don't see eye-to-eye, it sounds like you two might benefit from creating a shared vision for how you'd like to raise them, which means figuring out ways of compromising. Try to think of it as coming together to figure out what is in the kids' best interest, and leave "being right" at the door. Ask expansive questions to invite the coparent to say more, let each other speak without attacking each other (if there's conflict), and really keep it to the kids as much as possible. You might even want to establish what I call "fair fighting rules" ahead of time, like agreeing not to use below-the-belt tactics (name calling, blaming, etc.). I hope that helps.
This is great but that’s if they aren’t a liar and manipulator. My ex lives with his gf and he wasn’t even divorce yet. He cheated and lied and was already dropping off our son with her in the car. They are going to whatever they want. He lied to me about her when I confronted him about it.
How can I deal with a husband who is still having sex with her baby mama even though am the legal wife and staying with
Have you set boundaries with your husband to tell him this is not okay with you? Or is this a dealbreaker for you? Have you talked about it at all with him?
I have and unfortunately he does it when am out of town for assignment,I come to know of it much later after confrontation.He calls for the child on that weekend am not home and they spend at our home since the child is only 2 years.Unfortunately he met her while still with me and after unsafe sex she bore this little kiuty.
It's really draining to a point I asked him to bring her in as the 2nd wife and also let us meet because av never met this other woman but he says he can't marry her coz he does not love her but only sexually attracted
Just to clarify- you asked him to bring her in as a second wife, but is that actually what you want? Are you open to the idea of having an open relationship, or not?
Only you can decide what you're willing to tolerate here. If you know your husband is doing this whenever you leave town, and that he's unwilling to stop, and you continue to stay with him, he has no reason to stop because he gets to have a relationship with you and a sexual relationship with her. Through your inaction, you're essentially telling him this is okay. But if this is an actual dealbreaker to you, you need to communicate very clearly that his continuing to be involved with her in this way will lead to divorce. There might be some nuance to this considering a toddler is involved and, assuming he wants to be part of the child's life, they will have to coparent together. But you also have a choice as to whether you want to navigate this with them. If you do, there needs to be a willingness on your husband's end to repair the trust he's broken with you.