Want more Dr. Honda? In addition to checking out his channel (which you should!), he did a members-only lecture for us on Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder! Go to memberships.healthygamer.gg to learn more. PS. This video is a re-edit of a streamed conversation!
It feels right for a channel like yours to be bringing personality disorders into discussion. The way you help devillainize people is amazing, never stop being you
@HealthyGamerGG facts. we are way more interconnected than people would have us believe. the way we live our lifes does not only affect us, in fact I'd be bold as to say it will never only affect us, but others as well
I agree but boy, this community really needs to learn to be empathic towards others, especially those whose actions you don't condone. I recall during an interview Dr. K did a few years ago with a viewer who lied about being an incel (Dr. K basically blocked the guy from trying to seek help on an irrelevant issue), both the comments from the livestream and the VOD were really dehumanizing to this guy whose actions I do not condone but was just trying to get help for his issues.
@@TainoMoya so true. The ripples our interactions create will resonate much more outwards than we expect. If we all do the inner work, things could shift towards the better at a rapid rate.
I cured my social anxiety with Dr K advice - I started increasingly speaking out regardless of the inner voice analysing it and telling me to shut up. Over time, voicing out my thoughts came easier and easier, I started getting out of analysis paralysis, where you sit silently and play out everything you'd LIKE TO say in your head.
@@Terra101 I'm sorry for your loss, and I don't know exactly what was said, but if someone rejected you for being your true self or speaking your mind, I would question whether they were truly a friend
@ That is true. The problem is that I began speaking up to my friends friend who is displaying lots of narcissistic traits. He always talks bad about people and constantly need to tell you how worthless you are, etc. I have tried to ignore this person for years, but lately his ways have started to piss me off. I began with just pointing out to my friend that the different ways of this narcissistic person is a rather strange way to treat someone. But my friend always just said "He's just special" "He's always been like this tho.." "He just has a temper" etc. Lately I started questioning the narcissist directly and pretty quickly he tried to get my friend out of my life, which he succeeded with because the narcissist managed to get him to think that I was rude and a bad person for questioning him. Probably worked because I'm very rarely rude and now suddenly I am (in his eyes for speaking up), so that means that there's suddenly something wrong with me, I must have lost it right? The narcissist is always rude so then that's just "how he is" this is normal for him. Sadly people like this are very good at talking and convincing people, which I am not, and I don't really have the energy to "fight" this dude.
Being dropped off at Preschool was always a traumatic event. I showed up late, on the verge of tears, and was placed in a group of kids that were already bonded. Getting picked up was my mother being late and flustered, never once asking how my day went. This set the tone for the rest of my life. I became the painfully shy kid. Interestingly my preschool teacher would later go on to be my state's senator, and even 40 years later, when I see her on tv I still feel that anxiety.
I think I know this person. Not many know that she was a preschool teacher. My cuz went to the same preschool most likely. Which district were you in, you said?
@@searchrankoptimize hello yes my name is john jonathan albert I have avoidant personality disorder I am in district 7 I am totally honest and I want everyone to know who I am because I have AVOIDANT personality disorder.
I love the contrast between the very analytical, theory building Dr. K and the incredibly compassionate and emotionally attuned Dr. Honda. What a duo. They sure can teach each other a lot and become even better therapists.
Tuned in for a casual watch and then some of this stuff hit home so hard that I found myself crying at the gym. For me I hold the belief in my heart that some god or fate has just determined that I will never be truly loved or supported. Just like some people meet the love of their life when they are kids, some people are destined for a life of loneliness, even if they are just as wonderful or average as everyone else. It's such a deep rooted belief and absolutely devastating. Ah well, cardio didn't work out but my heart-rate sure went up
as a kid I was watching other kids have romantic relationships, explore love, already then I knew that's something I can't have for some reason. It's for everyone else, but not me
@@saintinquisition2538 I've been feeling this way my whole life too till the moment I got with my groupmate and I felt like something finally changed fundamentally with me and was feeling like everything was going finally the right way but she friendzoned after 5 days of dating so now I am kind of pessimistic on finding love or support.
so true you learn to hold everyone at an arms length in case they get a whiff of whatever makes you inherantly repellant. Although I'd always been at the bottom of the social order and had issues making friends, I recall the time I started to become avoidant because of it - a moment in school when I decided to leave a few chairs between me and a nice classmate incase she didnt want me to sit next to her - even when she started gesturing at me to sit closer - because I thought she wouldn't want to be friends with me if I got too close. And that just snowballed into an actual mental disorder - social anxiety! all because of an exclusionary social environment and lack of emotional availability at home...
its surreal watching my mom get a puppy and proceed to be entirely blind to his needs and distress and handling him with annoyance when hes acting out. And of course he is, because hes not getting enough play time, socialization with other dogs, or a routine he can feel good about. Like jesus christ I cant believe this person raised me
That sounds really difficult, and I’m sorry to you AND the puppy. I’ve definitely noticed that parents often treat pets in a similar vein to how they treat/treated their kids. (I know that views of pets can differ culturally, so I’m just speaking from my own experience and upbringing here.)
Saw the same in my family, maybe not to this extent, but sometimes it's painfull. Seems like it's about me again, every time, and even if I explain it, it goes past the person doing it... even more hurting since I seem not able to properly convey the issue....
Your comment hit hard. It reminded me that when I went to college, my mom put both the cats down because they had developed a spraying problem when a new dog moved in next door. I know that is difficult to live with, but there are ways to try to fix it, and she didn't even try. Just like she didn't even try to help me with my problems as a child.
Wow, I have experienced this many times in my life. I am the oldest of 5 siblings and my youngest sibling was born when I was 15. I watched this happen to every sibling and then after when my mom started collecting dogs instead of children. It is hard to describe just how distressing it is to see this pattern over and over and knowing it is exactly what happened to me as well.
I am SO thankful for this episode. My husband has an avoidant personality and it has really become problematic throughout the past 8 years since his PTSD worsened around 2018. Pandemic stressors made it exponentially worse. It used to upset me a lot and cause a lot of conflict because it leads to him being very negligent of our home and family and it's very frustrating to me as his wife. But I kept learning and growing, until one day I realized he was reverting to a maladaptive behavior pattern he developed during childhood to stay safe. And when I started imagining him as a little boy, it broke my heart & I wished I could go back in time and hold him and love him the way he needed. But I can't. He has to face this aspect of himself voluntarily. I try to talk with him about this but I don't want him to feel imasculated or as if I'm trying to act like his therapist but it's very important for me to explain how this affects me and the children. He doesn't seem to understand what inner child work means. I think denial is a big problem. Screen addiction has become a new thing when he avoids... I am hopeful for the future but have come to a point of acceptance. I am eager to listen intently to this episode. Peace be with you all.
I'm glad that there are so brave and openminded people like you. I'm on the other side of situation (not PTSD, but every other mentioned sympthom and more applies) and I'm facing criticism, yelling, being never enough. Actually it pushes myself into me , deeper and deeper which I believe is opposite to the intension of my wife. The worse is I feel I can't do anything about it. All the best for your family
@deixkivi Thank you! I wish you the best too. I'm sorry about what you are going through. A book that helped me so very much is called "Should I Stay or Should I go?" By Lundy Bancroft and JAC Patrissi. Careful you pick the right book because there is another by the same title but by a different author. Best wishes! God Bless. Peace be with you & yours. 💕🙏🏼🕊️
When I started to read your comment for a min I had to go back And check to make sure bc I thought I wrote it and completely had no memory of writing it. I am experiencing what you are going thru with my husband and oddly enough I also am afflicted with my own issues but I have had counseling since I have been a teenager... My husband is slowly coming around with me being Compassionate and patient and calmly but assertively telling him about his behavior. Bc my husband tells me he does want to change but when he gets triggered into his coping state of mind he just can't see how he is he cnlant be reached but afterwards wheb it's calm and he's willing to sit and talk I just say it frankly. I know it's hard. Believe me. I don't even know if I'm doing the right thing... I also want to say THANK YOU FOR SHARING THIS! BC I have felt totally and utterly alone. I don't now
@2twinz2dogz Thank you for your wonderful comment! I am SO grateful! I understand that feeling of isolation, struggling through grief, confusion, exhaustion, sadness & helplessness,etc. alone... Like a slow downward spiral to hell at times... Keep sharing your story! I wish there was a trusted support group to lean on & be a source of support for others...other than the comment section,that is -- however grateful I may be for the comment section. 😅 God bless you & yours! Never give up on yourself. There's a light inside you.. hold on. Just hold on.💕🙏🏼🕊️
Hey I don't know you, but I just wanna say you seem like a great wife and mother to have. There are a lot of people who would have left him already. They would have labeled him a bad father, a bad husband, and a bad person. Took the kids and left. Things like that cause a lot of men to spiral out of control, and turn them into monsters. But you stuck by him. And you try to help him through it. That's something money can't buy.
This guy from seattle is such a compassionate psychologist compared to many on youtube who actually show a deep hatred for those with personality disorders. I find the latter quite baffling since they were meant to be ethical and fair when going into such professional careers ❤
I got diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder a few months ago. While seeing my Psychologist I was on a waiting list to get therapy. After a couple of apointments I build the trust to tell my Psychologist about my addiction. Now I am not allowed to see him anymore and get therapy because I am unable to stay clean. He told me to go to a mental hospital but its literally impossible for me. I was even unable to go to group therapy because I got so scared that I had to cry in my car when I drove there. Now I am more aware of my problems, have a diagnosis but no treatment and I am all alone again. I really dont know what to do. I feel paralyzed by my fears. Thanks for the content this helps a lot.
Jeez that's hard! Denying therapy because of addiction is mad, this is when you need help the most! To be honest with you, unless you have money for private docs, I think group meetups are like the place to go. But also maybe there some online stuff? Forums perhaps?
@@ekaterinastaneva9922careful with forums mate😅. I really hope that where ever you life its affordable to find or change therapists. Only the best to you mate. You got this. Greetings from Germany.
I'm not a therapist. I don't have credentials or training or really anything other than speculation. I can feel, horribly, the feeling of being convinced to open up, to give faith, and then immediately be shamed into oblivion for it. It's the worst thing in the world, confirmation of some of the worst impulses that I thought I was distancing from. You opened up once to them (the psychologist), and felt that. You then kept seeking help despite that. I know how hard the inner and outer critic must have been hitting you, and you're still trying. That still trying part was the hardest step of the process I've been through so far, and you passed it. I'd say be strong, but you've already got the strength down. You just gotta keep trying until you're mind and body catch up to it. Im sorry that you've had to go through this. You can do it though
Contractual therapy for personality treatment when addiction is present is normal. Did you fail to meet the terms of the contract you agreed to when beginning therapy? They probably could recommend a specific practitioner if they cant treat someone not meeting the treatment contracts but recommending a hospital is okay.
As a schizoid person most of you were saying resonated very deeply with me, or rather an old self of mine since I've grown through a lot of hardships to live more "normally". This goes out to all my schizoid people, you're not alone.
This is the most empathetic video I've seen! It's difficult to research borderline personality disorder because we are often portrayed with a lot of hatred as toxic people to avoid. I want to learn about my disorder without hating myself more and feeling even more like a lost cause. I would add that the parasympathetic system and that your amigdala learns to react to what hurt you when you were younger and try to avoid when you become an adult. As a result, we sabotage ourselves by following reflexes that protected us when we were young. Your body and mind are in wartime even if the world is calm. It's like you navigeted your work office the same way you was doing at school avoid your bullies. You keep your reflex cause your body and your mind still in protective mode.
That was one of the most powerful things that therapy did for me was put into words the following:strategies that we developed to protect ourselves as children were adaptive or appropriate for that time when you were in danger and then when you move out of that situation to a safer one or you are more in control of your life, you obviously still have those strategies. You don't suddenly lose those strategies, so now in the new context they are maladaptive and can hurt you. It really explains things in a way that is compassionate and really explains the situation so you can release blaming yourself and move on to the healing.
I need this episode so much. In my last therapy session my therapist wanted me to fill the following sentence: For as long as I can remember I have always felt (blank). My word was alone. And it was so incredibly difficult to stare that word in the face and admit it, accept it, and really sit in that vulnerability.
You know what’s weird, my parents are probably top 1% of parents, they’re seriously amazing and have always put in immeasurable effort. And still to this day at 23 years old, I don’t even feel comfortable playing a speaker when I shower because I’d be expressing my music taste and I know they would have an opinion about that. We even have very similar tastes in music. My parents are very expressive and loving and open, I’m just a different person around them. I live with them, and I hate that I can’t feel normal/myself so much. It makes life so much worse I wish I could just snap out of it
I feel you and have felt the same way. My way to deal with it was to just do it anyway. It taken many years and I still have headphones on and still haven't shone every song into my playlist but it kinda has a snowball effect when you just play 1 that you feel may be acceptable you can over time play more till you feel more comfortable.
my situation a few years ago was simmilar. I never went against it. I told myself that it meant I knew proper manner. But this way of thinking took over slowly. Now, I live on my own. I never play music out loud. I don't use machines unless i am sure my neighbours are all gone ( i check the cars) I never open windows, would rather go to the park than sit in my garden etc. I know, it's not the same thing. But probably talk about it with your parens or discuss with gpt how you can overcome this. goodluck.
What you're asking is just fundamentally incompatible with academic research We can't possibly quantify subjective experience and the tailor make a treatment for personality disorders That's just not how medicine works We have to adhere to measurable facts i. e. Symptoms Otherwise risk failing the scientific method and falling into pseudoscience territory which is arguably far more dangerous to public health I'm sorry we feel that modern medicine failed you But we can't just work things backwards we need to refine the method not discard it
I have the exact same feeling. One thing that has made a difference for me, is with some things like this or similar, I have made a pact with myself that whenever this thought pops up of the urge to avoid an action like playing the speaker for fear of the values other will place on my music (here parents), fear of taking taking space soundwise that I feel unworthy of, thus feeling the value positive/negative of the space taken and music taste will reflect back on me, is then having to do exactly that, take the space. If I see someone on the street I have to pass by and the same feeling pops up, then i Know because of the thought that I have to do it. And hey, despite me misreading negative things into neutral and positive reactions, they often don't care, react neutrally or positively. Some of these patterns of behavior are of course also in my relations and actions to people I know, in situations like the above that doesn't involve a direct conversation, for me the above mentioned examples have been an important way trying to improve, they're still uncomfortable, but with the right exposure these things can get easier.
I love the description of personality disorders being a disorder of perception (innate beliefs of their unique extreme,rejectable defects ) we need to provide people who suffer from these with compassion, not stigma and disdain
awareness and corrective experiences are needed for healing and nervous system attenuation - if we develop these things socially, we get out of them socially. depth therapy, must dive into the abyss to pull out the poisoned thorn we fit reality to our feelings (confirmation bias)
schizophrenia is fed by intelligence and hyperactive pattern recognition, personality disorders often engage in mind reading, magical thinking (negative) social anxiety usually know they are anxious or maladaptive without treatment, vs pretreatment delusions or perceptional distortion - diagnosis is artificial, symptoms on a spectrum - things that happen to you vs things that reshape you - pervasiveness differences
taking the leap - creates neuroplastiscity. SSRI dampens emotions (not happy, just turn down the sad, memories are mood congruent so depression distorts reality) psychedelics can induce neuroplasticity, if in a negative place, you can do irreversible harm and end up way worse
He explained me perfectly.. dad left when I was 3. Single mother household where my privacy wasn’t respected and betrayed. not to mention adhd depression anxiety and idk what else. I want to get better but every time I feel like I make progress I just come right back. I hope I’ll be able to change that trough meditation wish me luck 🙏
Thank you for this episode! Personality disorders are fascinating because they are everywhere-within us, our families, our friends, and our colleagues. No one is free from flaws, and when pathological traits cluster together, they form a personality disorder. A major life crisis can also amplify these traits into pathology. Interestingly, many mental health professionals are drawn to the field due to their own struggles with personality disorders or depression. As an introvert (with avoidant and schizoid tendencies), I found this episode particularly engaging. Unfortunately, despite its profound impact on relationships and work, this field remains surprisingly underexplored. For future episodes, I’d love to see discussions on schizoid, schizotypal, paranoid, or dependent personality disorders. Basically we're fed up of the Boisterous and flamboyant B type personnalities similar to Hystrionics ; Borderlines, antisocials and psychopaths/Narcissists; they're talked about everywhere and we want to hear about the people who suffer in silence too. This content is invaluable for junior psychologists, medical professionals, and anyone interested in the complexities of human behavior. Looking forward to the next one-thank you!
I had an expericence over this christmas that relates to looking into the void. I lost my job (agian) and was unable to pay my own bills let alone get loved ones gifts. My relationship was unwatered and my life in chaos. I had to stare into the void, See me and my actions for what they truely were. It's a blessing and a curse to be incharge of yourself and your actions. It's not just about facing the void once but learning not tot fear it and to look into it daily with hope for change and action at the ready.
I’ve been following Dr. Honda for many years and just discovered Dr. K within the past year. They both have easily become two of my favorite accounts/communities on UA-cam, so I was mind blown seeing this collab! Thank you both for making this. It was super informative and helpful. I know that I have dismissive avoidant attachment per my therapist but I gotta say, the description of avoidant personality disorder reallllly hits close to home..so it makes me wonder if that’s something I may need to explore further. Anyways …yall are awesome! Thanks ❤
What a fantastic episode on so many levels. The obvious factual information is incredible. What was equally impactful was watching you interact. For those of us following you many have never really had a lot of modeling around healthy conversation techniques. Watching two train doctors be both vulnerable and analytical was wonderful. I really appreciated the modeling of getting information in a non-threatening way. I also love the respect and acceptance of love and care that you demonstrate in this interaction. Well done gentlemen so many of us here have no model for effective respectful and caring interactions. There are a lot of videos with definitions and information, but not many that model the behavior in a genuine and non scripted way.
I swear Dr K is the only one that can come out with a 2hr video that I will watch no questions asked. I find myself absolutely immersed, I think it is because of the way that Dr K makes every video like this so interactive, so that even if you aren't experiencing what the topic is, you feel like you come out of it understanding more about the world. Also big props to Dr Honda, the way he explained his points were also so in depth and well put together, will definitely check out the podcast.
It was so fabulous to both see you "working" together and with each other while still also presenting to us. Showing that moment of validation and bit of corrective emotional experience gave me goosebumps! Thank you both so much.
To me as someone who has been diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder it feels like I am simultaneously the most average and boring person in the world but also in some inexplicable way fundamentally different than everyone else.
The part, where Dr. Honda suggest that someone in the family sees you, as you really are, feels so alien to me. I my case, my much older siblings labeled my as a annoying nuisance. Even now now decades later the notion still comes trough in comments and hidden insults. As a child, I probably got much more positive validation from outside my family.
Years ago I told my psychiatrist that I have social anxiety that's so bad it's like a phobia. My system goes haywire when I even think about certain (and many) social situations. It wasn't until a handful of months ago that I discovered this disorder and it explains my experience of my entire life. Decades gone. It's devastating. I keep trying, though.
i just want to say, im 29 and ive struggled with avoidant disorder forever. but i met someone special a few months ago and in this short time its wild that shes changed my life in so many ways. We are just good friends but maybe who knows what holds in the future. Im still terrified of relationships i wont lie but for once in my life im actually putting myself out there a tiny bit. went on a few dates/made 2 sort of friends. just within the last 4 months. this is major change for me. i guess 1 person can alter your life its a beautiful thing to feel
Love this interview. Never seen your guest anywhere else before, but I love that he’s willing to get a little bit personal. I love the way he describes different concepts. Very interesting perspective. Would be great to see him on the channel again.
Just made it to the end of the video. Would love to hear you two talk about spirituality because it’s something that interests me a lot about your channel as someone who grew up without any (or at least not strong) religious or spiritual influences.
Can we get some relationship stuff from Dr. Honda as well? He’s got some really great stuff on his channel but I feel like a more concentrated video for the HG community on relationships and attachment would be awesome and extremely helpful! ❤ Thanks for all that you do, both HG & Psychology in Seattle!!
Holy cow, he hit the nail on the head explaining the feeling and thought process. I’m glad there are people like him who are able to put into words what so many have difficulty expressing. I remember the sense of relief I felt when I found out there was a known name and explanation to what I was feeling. That it exists, and is known by professionals and other people.
From a vajrayana and somatic perspective, anger is an activating emotion designed to move us to action (often to protect others). As per the Tibetan Buddhist spiritual system, one may conceptualize Dr. Honda as experiencing "fierce compassion" for 5th grade Dr. Kanoja. Compassion can be either gentle or fierce (protective). Not as in protecting the ego or an ego defense, but rather fierce compassion can manifest as the natural urge to protect the vulnerable, such as a child from bullying. I'm entering graduate studies to be a counsellor for context, so, this is how I make sense of that interaction between these clinicians from my own spiritual perspective which is from a different tradition I believe than from Dr. K's spiritual perspective.
PS. Super grateful for the opportunity to learn from these brilliant clinicians, it's definitely shaping me as a future counsellor 💗 Thanks Dr. K & Dr. H!
These are the type pf conversations i have waited years for you to start having. These conversations are vital for teaching others to understand themseleves and those around them, something that as a societal whole in America we've been tricked into thinking we understand.
Thank you for this conversation! I was diagnosed with avpd last year and it really changed my understanding of my past. We were horribly abused in elementary school, teachers hit us when we got answers wrong or when we forgot our homework. When I told my parents, my dad just said that he went to the same school and the same teacher hit him too. He didn't do anything to help me. I soon realised that being perfect will protect me from harm: if I get all my answers right, if I don't talk unless I'm asked to etc., I'll be safe. This actually worked. I made myself completely invisible to everyone and some people didn't even notice whether I was in their class or not. Unfortunately, 20 years later, I'm still a horrible perfectionist and can't talk. I feel like I'm still just wearing an invisibility cloak and can't take it off
It's true that people don't listen, care or notice. It's true we're alone in this world and will abandon others as well. It's true we cannot trust others. There is absolutely a constant threat of humiliation, security loss and much worse.
I will add: beware *any* other content on the internet about schizoid. Nearly all of what I have seen confuses schizoid with schizoaffective, schizotypal, or cluster B disorders. There are a lot of people out there talking above their level of knowledge. There is a PDF, Treatment of Schizoid Personality - an Analytic Psychotherapy Handbook, that is not too bad.
Listening to this makes my chest hurt. Too many 'nail on the head' moments. Been in therapy 30 years, only just found a therapist who is responding to me, and all I can think is "Oh. This explains why I don't like feeling and all I want to do is go away."
I (32M) never really understood why I was a bit different. I want to be with people but my anxiety and social battery is so low and I tend to get extremely anxious before going to social gatherings (somatic symptoms). It wasn’t until last year did I realize, in therapy, that my parents weren’t ever there for me, emotionally. And for years in therapy when they’d ask about my childhood I didn’t have anything to say because I wasn’t beaten and they were there physically. But emotionally they were completely gone. It’s so hard to get people to understand and it’s so hard to understand myself in what that does to my perception of social interactions and relationships. It’s really heavy stuff. I want so much but my brain has too many concerns and self judgements
Dude, me too. I often wish that something “clearly traumatic” happened to me because it would have been so much easier to understand and blame, but all I’m left with is family who were never emotionally available and never protected me from emotional bullying
Me too. I get beaten a bit here and there but almost 0 emotionally. My mom is always catering my older bro and my youngest sis. My dad is a workaholic. It's sad now that I think about it..
36M. The information availability has changed...our parents grew up in a time with physical information sharing and raised on post WW2 mindsets... not all cultures were effected, or in the same way. "Set your own standards in life and live them" x
I’ve been struggling with this myself, i always thought of my parents as being emotionally caring towards me and my sister, and I still do think they love and want the best for us, but I felt extremely lonely and anxious throughout my entire childhood and they never once seemed to notice or do anything about it, and now I find myself relating to almost everything in this video. It’s taken me forever to realize that their parental love for me was not a substitute for having emotional intelligence and keeping in-tune with my thoughts and feelings.
I feel like I suffer from the AVPD. I always think to myself that I have nothing interesting to talk about with people. I have no humor skills to keep the other person engaging and I never really know how to start and end a conversation. So far, I think I have only been able to date during my undergrad years is because of my decent looks. Also believe that post graduate and post covid, my personality have gotten even more introverted and I always fear one on one setting because I get in my head too much. I crave friendships and relationship that we see in movies or have like a big group of friends that cares about you, text you all the time. But I cant ever seem to form a community myself. I want friends that I can make memories with, plans events with etc. etc. I even fear that one day when I get married (if I get married) I wont have any friends to attend my wedding. Also another fear is dating because I feel like your partner expects you to have decent friend group and community that you can plan events and game nights with but I have none of that and that will eventually bore her of me because of my lack of social skills. also to add to this, now that I think about it...I have never been able to completely move on from my past relationship (its been 4 yrs)...maybe bc I think that I will never be able to find someone new. I haven't been able to so far. I still think about it time to time. She treated me horribly but I still cant seem to hate her completely. I think the reason for this is my fear of abandonment. My conscious self knows that she is not good for me but my subconscious still hopes I wish I could go back to her and wish we could make things work. I just cant fathom the fact that someone can be so harsh and just act like there is no existence of me. Then I feel guilty and mad at myself that I cant hate her and feel like beta male who is stuck. I feel like I have so much to offer but no one recognizes that and few that do, eventually leave me too. they always say that she your exes come back and I always wonder, why I haven't had that experience. No one has every came back to me. Never reached out to see how I was doing. Just once I want them to acknowledge me and my existence. Also the thing is that, I cant blame my parents either because maybe my parents didn't have knowledge of neglect or my needs and they must have tried their best to give me a good life. So blaming them for this also adds to my guilt. The only person that can fix this is me by having more and more good social experiences and coming across people who care about me.
I resonate with a lot of what you said. Over the past few months I've started going on a lot of dates. I went on a third date with one girl I really liked but during and after that date I just felt like a fraud sitting there. For the third time in a row she spent hours talking about all the cool stuff she did and I just didn't have anything to share on my part. I think part of it is due to me actually doing nothing with my life (basically just sit around and watch youtube or study) and part of it is due to my lack of social skills (as a result of doing nothing with my life). It might sound stupid, but I want to be someone who has stuff planned like 3-4 evenings a week rather than to be the one that's always available. I want to do something with my life and I'm sure the social skills will follow. Once I've done that, once I'm my own person, I'll start thinking about dating again :)
my therapist told my i have avoidant personality disorder, I was shocked, and my two best friends were also shocked, but i have been observing myself very closely and its so true, i cant belive how i fooled everyone including myself
tw; angry rambling... It was so eye opening to me that everything i'm dealing with now can be traced back to my earliest childhood. For me, daycare was normal at first .I had fun there, got along with peers...but I was quickly ripped out of that life since SOME GENIUS DAYCARE WORKER decided that since my reading and learning abilities are way higher than on the level of the younger daycare group, they're gonna transition me very early to the older group. Apparentlly no one even told my parents. Of course, as the younger kid among older kids, i was immediatlly rejected and bullied. I quickly became depressed, the daycare workers from the older group never even noticed me when i was sitting alone in a corner and trying not to cry. I wished so so much that i could go back to the younger group, to my friends, but i knew the adults were the ones deciding my fate... I never told my parents. They were always mostly working and absent, anyway. I never really felt like i could tell them about my struggles, i knew they weren't comfortable with it. Anytime i came crying to my mother (because my father was almost always unavailable at those moments), btw I can COUNT THOSE TIMES WITH MY FINGERS, I would get an awkward hug, a half confused half annoyed stare, and heard things like "It's not like you're thinking" or "you've got it all wrong" or just "you'll see it's not that important". Guess who began to feel like an idiot in their own family afterwards. At the last day of daycare, i wished i was gone, and i wished the daycare was gone.I was done with everything and just wished to die. I remember taking one last look at that building, and i thought to myself that i'm glad i'm finally leaving, and that i never want to step in there again. But since i finished daycare early, later on IT WAS ALWAYS THE SAME PATTERN. I was always the youngest kid in every group-elementary school,middle school,high school. And always felt like the wrong one among others. Never really got bullied again, but got shunned and made fun of many times,not in a good way. By fifth grade, i had suicidal thoughts. Social anxiety got so bad for me that I sometimes spent ENTIRE DAYS IN ANXIETY ATTACKS AND FIGHT OR FLIGHT RESPONSE. By the begginning of highschool i believed myself to be a social and intellectual cripple, I almost didn't talk to anyone at school for the ENTIRE FOUR YEARS. It was the pandemic that finally made me break.I confessed to my mother that I'm in DIRE NEED OF PROFFESIONAL HELP. I couldn't hellp but cry in public. I got met with an angry stare, but hell I didn't care anymore. I just wanted to cry. And it's not only that. I've recently been remembering certain events from my past, unrelated to what i just wrote, ones i was ALSO left upon to process all by myself. And with those came a lot of grief... Right now I'm in college, waiting for the start of therapy. I belive it's going to last years. Because for me, shit has been stirring inside for more than EIGHT F*CKING YEARS. I got through it all by myself, faking everything and lying to myself, just pushing through to the other day cause my parents taught me to do so. How do i feel now? Disgusted. Angry and disgusted. ALL OF THIS SH*T WAS CIRCUMSTANCE I COULDN'T CONTROL, I CAN'T BLAME ANYONE FOR IT, AND NOW IT'S MY RESPONSIBILITY TO TAKE CARE OF MY MENTAL "ILLNESS". I WOULDN'T EVER WISH THIS SH*T UPON ANYONE. I know i shouldn't, i shouldn't be mad , i should "accept" my past and focus on rebuilding myself. But now I'm a clusterfuck of everything a ''NORMAL" person sees at first glance and thinks "That's weird, that's mentally sick,that's disgusting and wrong , toxic, unwanted, that's an immature person,someone like this should be put away somewhere, discarded of,or it will just get in the way of others'' Do i blame them? No. Not at all. It's not easy for most people to deduce pieces of someone's story based on their state. Or they just don't care. I really, really hope that it's the first case that's prevalent in society. It may sound naive, but i genuinely hope people care for other people they don't know, they just don't know how to show it due to their own doubts. Parents who read this, take good care of yourself for your f*cking children. Cause if you don't, they'll quickly be lost to the moronity of this world. They won't live their life; they'll survive it. They won't realize their potential,it will bleed out of the wounds they received. They will stray from the path others seem to walk .They will not know how to get out of the cage they were forcibly closed in.
I relate heavily with your story. I was bullied from around age 5-13 by my brothers relentlessly with no help from my parents. They made me feel less than. Anyway, I’m no therapist, but if you’ve never been angry about the way you were treated or the way no one saved you, then why not feel angry? That’s where I’m at now. I never really understood in so much depth how betrayed I feel by the people I grew up with. So yes, I’m angry. Idk if it’ll end someday, but you are right to feel your feelings.
I hope you find someone. I can see all your points, it sucks when you are responsible and non blaming and then stuck with fixing yourself. You aren't alone. I hope you find the skills to manage your intelligence and maturity and find peace.
Thank you for bringing a specialist on to talk about such a complex topic that you say yourself you’ve had limited personal experience treating. Would love to see you do a video like this with an autistic person to discuss autism! ❤
What a beautiful combination conversation, beautiful duo! One thing I want to reflect, it seems to me that the proto-emotions are the more real, less societally molded, true expressions. And what I would expect going towards enlightenment feels like, so a hard fate may have upsides, is to truly feel later in life. Even though not so functional perhaps.
More of this guy please! It's so nice to get a different perspective, and an expert on personality disorders! Would be so amazing to get a condensed and "frameworked" version of his dissertations on each of the different personality disorders he is familiar with. I feel like everyone here could learn a lot, and the notes at the end are so helpful. I'm glad you didn't cover spiritually here, because it'd have been too many different themes for one talk, but I would like to listen to that talk too!
Such a good, deep conversation. You two have very different frameworks, but they work so well together. The amount of mindblowingness in this conversation is probably in violation of Geneva conventions though... :D My wife has severe BPD. It is not easy. But those people are just as deserving and awesome as anyone else and should be handled with the kind of kindness you two embodied.
Personality disorder is really easy to explain. Harmful outer influences prevent the healthy development of the personality in childhood. That results in an extremely insecure, non-functional, unstale psyche with a lot of emotional problems and helplessness. Since the human being still needs to somehow cope with the world, he or she develops dysfunctional coping strategies. These can be histrionic, narcissistic, avoidant, antisocial etc. The personality disorders that are diagnoseable are different coping mechanisms for the underlying underdeveloped and fearful sense of self
As someone who has been diagnosed with schizoaffective, major depressive, and generalized anxiety disorders, this interview was incredibly insightful and helpful. Thank you for your amazing guests and insights, Dr. K!
The wound is deep. I remember a lonely period in my childhood and teenage years, i had better experience later on that made me heal a bit, but i will never forget that I felt exiled from human race, like I was not a part of anything, I was just physically present in school. My soul was shut off. It was unfair that adults put me through this. Not many people understand what it's like and how foreign and new it was to become a person in a group, to be seen for the first time, start attaching like a normal person. How new and difficult was to just belong.
I engage in a lot of avoidant behavior and I've always wondered whether I have a personality disorder or some kind of other diagnosis. From what you've discussed I can make a strong assumption that my avoidance is caused by social anxiety and not an avoidant personality because I am aware that my behavior is fear-based and not rational. Also, that thing you said about having developed some sort of a relatively normal personality architecture and then something happening which causes changes in you is spot on. That's exactly how it was for me.
I listened to this on the Pod, and now watched some of it here. The conversation you shared about your bullying experiences was very cool to witness. Love the mutual respect you have for one another, and feel like being vulnerable really cemented that.
As a person that tried therapy via zoom with three different therapists (with minimal success) this conversation is _definitely_ two therapists getting theraputisized in their own language. Fascinating stuff. Appreciate the content, gave me a lot to think about.
I've felt uneasy with myself since adolescence, stuck in life for like 14 years. When I finally realized I needed help I went to a therapist. Got to talk about how my relationship with my parents wasn't what I thought was ideal... Eventually I stopped being able to afford therapy so I just concluded that I just simply suffered depression all those years. But it is right now, not even halfway through watching this video that I finally got to know what it is that I have, the exact disorder that describes what I so much thought was a unique life experience that belonged only to me. This gray area that consists of some mental disorders not that tragic yet so dangerously invisible and that's why I cannot thank both of you enough for exploring this specific topic. You have granted me a starting point to begin healing this fucking awkwardness that keeps me from daring to take chances in life and pursue a better life. GRACIAS TOTALES!!
I just avoided my brother's marriage today, my dad was very furious ( he might be embarrassed of how will he respond to questions from relatives & guests : where's your 2nd child? Why didn't attend family marriage function? ) I hope he'll understand what Avoidant Personality Disorder issue is hopefully respect my decision to not attend family event & Just once in life try to understand & accept me as who i am & stop getting physically violant every time i didn't do what he told me to do what normal people can do easily, Thank you both of you that acknowledgement that Avoidants types also real a thing ...
What about your brother? Did you apologize to him? What if he really wanted you to share that day with him? Even if your father is mean you could just tell him to stay away and focus on our brother's day. Also don't give up and try therapy, it helped me a lot with my anxiety disorder and now I'm working overseas and going outside.
@vivvy_0 I don't know, maybe he gets along with the rest of his family. Anyways, he needs to go to therapy in order to get better or he'll be forever struggling going out to events he may want to go.
A lot of this feels both vindicating and sobering. Since I was a kid Ive asked every doctor ever why my words n efforts dont meet ears unless it was an irritant of sorts. Years of therapy later and the most Ive gotten was a diagnosis for high anxiety and severe depression and while that's been great to know it never changed that simple fact. Thank you for this talk, it's given things to think about and some hope on a better grip on socializing.
People like you helped me realize not only is it not hopeless having BPD but after getting into Jung and branching out more I've come to realize that's exactly what I wanna work with..
Can you please explain what you mean by "exactly what I wanna work with" ? What was your realization and how did you reach it ? How did Jung help you with BPD ? How did you branch out from Jung ?
I used to think I either had avoidant or social anxiety. I spend most of my time alone. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m normal, and everyone else is fucking insane. Now being alone is just avoiding everyone’s drama.
Yeah my retreat has also been a direct response by others' toxic treatment of me Envy, jealousy, their insecurities spilling over It lead to so much hurt that I haven't been part of any significant friend group for the last 15 years And now that I'm older I've no idea how to ever get such a "friend group" anew All I have is my extended family but there is also bullying so it's not a safe environment per se
I described it to my therapist after high school as a deep fear of being "out of the joke" that everyone would be thinking something bad about me and I would be the only one who didn't know that everyone was seeing this about me. It really is this deep feeling of being defective and wrong, damn this resonants with me sooooo intensely! It makes me pick myself apart and worry that my worst thoughts about myself are true. I'm honestly much better than I used to be, but that belief of being broken/wrong/rejectable/unlovable, is persistent.
I remember being really young in a daycare in a woman's home. She had kittens in her basement, blocked by a little babygate. I wanted to hold and play with them so badly! She clearly didn't want to let me, but wouldn't give me a solid answer, and I remember having the realization that she didn't love me, and I was a job to her so she didn't care that I really wanted to play with the kittens. It was a sad hopeless feeling, and also calm and certain. Obviously this is just one example, but I was probably only like 5 years old. I have always had a hard time believing that anyone will want to help me besides my mom, who I know loves me. I have a hard time believing anyone else truly cares about me.
This sounds a lot like my experience growing up as an undiagnosed autist with emotionally immature parents, didn't fit in at school and got yelled at by my parent's worship leader constantly, so i learned to become invisible, while I've learned to handle mandatory social interactions, i have no friends because the idea of hanging out with a stranger is terrifying, I'm healing though, it just takes so much time
I wasn't aware of my avoidance until my youngest child who is autistic said to me one day, "I'd really like to meet new people but it's really hard. We live in a small town & we're the only people I know who sits in the car at the park & waits for everyone to leave before we get out." I actually laughed really hard, only bc I didn't realize until that exact moment that I had always done that, every single time. I didn't know I was avoidant, I just knew I hated being around most people, which sounds like the same thing, but it isn't.
I exprienced all the ingredients of borderline/avoidant/feeling-worthless disorder as a child and I also turned out gay. I felt totally worthless even before I started to feel atracted to my own sex, and life has just been one problem/flaw reticulating off into so many others. Like the Greek hydra, a spiral into hell. To progress in life, I've figured out that the root of it all is my lifelong feeling of worthlessness, but it feels impossible to know which parts of me are really me, which ones are direct results of my experiences, and which ones are effects of my adopted survial strategies. Edit: After watching this and hearing Dr. K's analysis of anime-interested people, I'm also wondering how many of my inerests are genuine and innate. I love things that are stimulating to the senses: bright colors in painting, playing insruments with intense focus, also some of my online vices....
I had, and probably still have, avoidant personality disorder. I knew this in my early 20's and tackled it on my own. This was a really informative podcast and I guess I had it worse than I thought. I never went to a professional about it, I conducted my own cognitive therapy on myself forcing myself for years to do uncomfortable shit that has worked out, but also simultaneously made me a little less confident (?) because I still judge myself so harshly than perhaps I would if I worked with a professional. Happy to say I have a healthy marriage and a stable career now and I actually believe people like and love me. I'm not running away anymore. You have to stand your ground. Anyone who thinks they have this, just please go see a professional. It really will help you 1000% faster than I probably helped myself. And let's be real, I probably only moderately fixed the problem.
I find I relate to what this man has to say, in terms of given up on finding a partner. Recently, I met a girl, I told myself I would do whatever it took to work through the anxiety and be as honest as possible, I want her to know the real me. It’s hard, and I don’t think I’d be able to do it if she wasn’t also pursuing me. She’s open and honest, kind, and caring. With all that said, I can’t even take my shirt off at a public pool. I think I’ve worked through a lot of the Avoidant personality disorder or maybe just very bad anxiety, but just walking around now I don’t feel like everybody is looking at me. How do I start to let that go, I’m actively losing weight, but that’s just a means to an end, doesn’t really fix the solution of how I view myself. Used to weigh a lot more than I do now even, I have irreversible stretch marks, I have man boobs and just fat on my abdomen. It feels like this is the final battle. I’ve changed a lot, but I don’t know how to change this unless the answer is “just go for it “. With her, I’m willing to try. But I’d also like my anxiety to not be 100 out of 100.
Ah, I almost didn't recognize him with the beard 😅 Dr Honda is great ❤ I used to watch him during the pandemic when I was learning for my clinical psychology exams.. So cool you two found each other. ❤❤ Love the conversation between you two, great video, great content.
Beautiful moment dr. K getting dr. K’d. My favorite so far. If only we had ppl at that critical moment of trauma to stand up for us & tell ppl it’s not ok. Even though I agree it made me into who I am, I still would have loved that.
Want more Dr. Honda? In addition to checking out his channel (which you should!), he did a members-only lecture for us on Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder! Go to memberships.healthygamer.gg to learn more.
PS. This video is a re-edit of a streamed conversation!
would it be possible to get his take on schizotypal personality?
OMG Humera and Skyrizzy need to lighten up! 85 commercials for their bs ! So annoying!
Enjoying a rewatch rn!! 🙏☺️💚💚
I loved hearing him want to come to the defense of 5th grade you! Very protective and empathetic exchange - I felt the same way.
Please do. I’m only 30 minutes in and it feels like he’s talking about me.
It feels right for a channel like yours to be bringing personality disorders into discussion. The way you help devillainize people is amazing, never stop being you
Mental health and taking steps to understand yourself and create a better life is for everyone! Thanks for watching.
@HealthyGamerGG facts. we are way more interconnected than people would have us believe. the way we live our lifes does not only affect us, in fact I'd be bold as to say it will never only affect us, but others as well
I agree but boy, this community really needs to learn to be empathic towards others, especially those whose actions you don't condone. I recall during an interview Dr. K did a few years ago with a viewer who lied about being an incel (Dr. K basically blocked the guy from trying to seek help on an irrelevant issue), both the comments from the livestream and the VOD were really dehumanizing to this guy whose actions I do not condone but was just trying to get help for his issues.
Did he really lie about being an incel?@@classyjohn1923
@@TainoMoya so true. The ripples our interactions create will resonate much more outwards than we expect. If we all do the inner work, things could shift towards the better at a rapid rate.
I cured my social anxiety with Dr K advice - I started increasingly speaking out regardless of the inner voice analysing it and telling me to shut up. Over time, voicing out my thoughts came easier and easier, I started getting out of analysis paralysis, where you sit silently and play out everything you'd LIKE TO say in your head.
Love this progress!! 💚
Go you! I'm doing the same thing. If it feels good to say, I say it. That is a massively different thing to do than I'm used to
I just began speaking out and lost a friend.
@@Terra101 I'm sorry for your loss, and I don't know exactly what was said, but if someone rejected you for being your true self or speaking your mind, I would question whether they were truly a friend
@ That is true. The problem is that I began speaking up to my friends friend who is displaying lots of narcissistic traits. He always talks bad about people and constantly need to tell you how worthless you are, etc. I have tried to ignore this person for years, but lately his ways have started to piss me off. I began with just pointing out to my friend that the different ways of this narcissistic person is a rather strange way to treat someone. But my friend always just said "He's just special" "He's always been like this tho.." "He just has a temper" etc.
Lately I started questioning the narcissist directly and pretty quickly he tried to get my friend out of my life, which he succeeded with because the narcissist managed to get him to think that I was rude and a bad person for questioning him. Probably worked because I'm very rarely rude and now suddenly I am (in his eyes for speaking up), so that means that there's suddenly something wrong with me, I must have lost it right? The narcissist is always rude so then that's just "how he is" this is normal for him.
Sadly people like this are very good at talking and convincing people, which I am not, and I don't really have the energy to "fight" this dude.
Being dropped off at Preschool was always a traumatic event. I showed up late, on the verge of tears, and was placed in a group of kids that were already bonded. Getting picked up was my mother being late and flustered, never once asking how my day went. This set the tone for the rest of my life. I became the painfully shy kid. Interestingly my preschool teacher would later go on to be my state's senator, and even 40 years later, when I see her on tv I still feel that anxiety.
@@Laz_RS Sorry bro.
I think I know this person. Not many know that she was a preschool teacher. My cuz went to the same preschool most likely. Which district were you in, you said?
@@searchrankoptimize hello yes my name is john jonathan albert I have avoidant personality disorder I am in district 7 I am totally honest and I want everyone to know who I am because I have AVOIDANT personality disorder.
@@b.t4604 I knew you were
I love the contrast between the very analytical, theory building Dr. K and the incredibly compassionate and emotionally attuned Dr. Honda.
What a duo. They sure can teach each other a lot and become even better therapists.
Tuned in for a casual watch and then some of this stuff hit home so hard that I found myself crying at the gym. For me I hold the belief in my heart that some god or fate has just determined that I will never be truly loved or supported. Just like some people meet the love of their life when they are kids, some people are destined for a life of loneliness, even if they are just as wonderful or average as everyone else. It's such a deep rooted belief and absolutely devastating. Ah well, cardio didn't work out but my heart-rate sure went up
as a kid I was watching other kids have romantic relationships, explore love, already then I knew that's something I can't have for some reason. It's for everyone else, but not me
@@saintinquisition2538 I've been feeling this way my whole life too till the moment I got with my groupmate and I felt like something finally changed fundamentally with me and was feeling like everything was going finally the right way but she friendzoned after 5 days of dating so now I am kind of pessimistic on finding love or support.
so true you learn to hold everyone at an arms length in case they get a whiff of whatever makes you inherantly repellant. Although I'd always been at the bottom of the social order and had issues making friends, I recall the time I started to become avoidant because of it - a moment in school when I decided to leave a few chairs between me and a nice classmate incase she didnt want me to sit next to her - even when she started gesturing at me to sit closer - because I thought she wouldn't want to be friends with me if I got too close. And that just snowballed into an actual mental disorder - social anxiety! all because of an exclusionary social environment and lack of emotional availability at home...
I’m so sorry you feel that way
You are average AND wonderful, as are we all ❤️
its surreal watching my mom get a puppy and proceed to be entirely blind to his needs and distress and handling him with annoyance when hes acting out. And of course he is, because hes not getting enough play time, socialization with other dogs, or a routine he can feel good about. Like jesus christ I cant believe this person raised me
That sounds really difficult, and I’m sorry to you AND the puppy. I’ve definitely noticed that parents often treat pets in a similar vein to how they treat/treated their kids.
(I know that views of pets can differ culturally, so I’m just speaking from my own experience and upbringing here.)
Your mom sounds immature, and I hope you take care of that dog.
Saw the same in my family, maybe not to this extent, but sometimes it's painfull. Seems like it's about me again, every time, and even if I explain it, it goes past the person doing it... even more hurting since I seem not able to properly convey the issue....
Your comment hit hard. It reminded me that when I went to college, my mom put both the cats down because they had developed a spraying problem when a new dog moved in next door. I know that is difficult to live with, but there are ways to try to fix it, and she didn't even try. Just like she didn't even try to help me with my problems as a child.
Wow, I have experienced this many times in my life. I am the oldest of 5 siblings and my youngest sibling was born when I was 15. I watched this happen to every sibling and then after when my mom started collecting dogs instead of children. It is hard to describe just how distressing it is to see this pattern over and over and knowing it is exactly what happened to me as well.
I am SO thankful for this episode. My husband has an avoidant personality and it has really become problematic throughout the past 8 years since his PTSD worsened around 2018. Pandemic stressors made it exponentially worse. It used to upset me a lot and cause a lot of conflict because it leads to him being very negligent of our home and family and it's very frustrating to me as his wife. But I kept learning and growing, until one day I realized he was reverting to a maladaptive behavior pattern he developed during childhood to stay safe. And when I started imagining him as a little boy, it broke my heart & I wished I could go back in time and hold him and love him the way he needed. But I can't. He has to face this aspect of himself voluntarily. I try to talk with him about this but I don't want him to feel imasculated or as if I'm trying to act like his therapist but it's very important for me to explain how this affects me and the children. He doesn't seem to understand what inner child work means. I think denial is a big problem. Screen addiction has become a new thing when he avoids... I am hopeful for the future but have come to a point of acceptance. I am eager to listen intently to this episode. Peace be with you all.
I'm glad that there are so brave and openminded people like you. I'm on the other side of situation (not PTSD, but every other mentioned sympthom and more applies) and I'm facing criticism, yelling, being never enough. Actually it pushes myself into me , deeper and deeper which I believe is opposite to the intension of my wife. The worse is I feel I can't do anything about it.
All the best for your family
@deixkivi Thank you! I wish you the best too. I'm sorry about what you are going through. A book that helped me so very much is called "Should I Stay or Should I go?" By Lundy Bancroft and JAC Patrissi. Careful you pick the right book because there is another by the same title but by a different author.
Best wishes! God Bless. Peace be with you & yours. 💕🙏🏼🕊️
When I started to read your comment for a min I had to go back And check to make sure bc I thought I wrote it and completely had no memory of writing it. I am experiencing what you are going thru with my husband and oddly enough I also am afflicted with my own issues but I have had counseling since I have been a teenager... My husband is slowly coming around with me being Compassionate and patient and calmly but assertively telling him about his behavior. Bc my husband tells me he does want to change but when he gets triggered into his coping state of mind he just can't see how he is he cnlant be reached but afterwards wheb it's calm and he's willing to sit and talk I just say it frankly. I know it's hard. Believe me. I don't even know if I'm doing the right thing...
I also want to say THANK YOU FOR SHARING THIS! BC I have felt totally and utterly alone. I don't now
@2twinz2dogz Thank you for your wonderful comment! I am SO grateful! I understand that feeling of isolation, struggling through grief, confusion, exhaustion, sadness & helplessness,etc. alone... Like a slow downward spiral to hell at times... Keep sharing your story! I wish there was a trusted support group to lean on & be a source of support for others...other than the comment section,that is -- however grateful I may be for the comment section. 😅 God bless you & yours! Never give up on yourself. There's a light inside you.. hold on. Just hold on.💕🙏🏼🕊️
Hey I don't know you, but I just wanna say you seem like a great wife and mother to have. There are a lot of people who would have left him already. They would have labeled him a bad father, a bad husband, and a bad person. Took the kids and left. Things like that cause a lot of men to spiral out of control, and turn them into monsters. But you stuck by him. And you try to help him through it. That's something money can't buy.
This guy from seattle is such a compassionate psychologist compared to many on youtube who actually show a deep hatred for those with personality disorders. I find the latter quite baffling since they were meant to be ethical and fair when going into such professional careers ❤
Came here to say this
@shegoesla_lala Baffling isn't it. They create more stigma than the ignorant ones ?
Hatred?? 😳 Do explain, holy shit
@benedikteckl3560 it's more implicit than explicitly articulated but once you see it you'll know. I'm not going to name these people though
@@karentonks7581 say more, please 🙏🏻
Not that you should name concrete people but much more what's happening and how you see that process.
I got diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder a few months ago. While seeing my Psychologist I was on a waiting list to get therapy. After a couple of apointments I build the trust to tell my Psychologist about my addiction. Now I am not allowed to see him anymore and get therapy because I am unable to stay clean. He told me to go to a mental hospital but its literally impossible for me. I was even unable to go to group therapy because I got so scared that I had to cry in my car when I drove there. Now I am more aware of my problems, have a diagnosis but no treatment and I am all alone again. I really dont know what to do. I feel paralyzed by my fears. Thanks for the content this helps a lot.
Jeez that's hard! Denying therapy because of addiction is mad, this is when you need help the most! To be honest with you, unless you have money for private docs, I think group meetups are like the place to go. But also maybe there some online stuff? Forums perhaps?
@@ekaterinastaneva9922careful with forums mate😅. I really hope that where ever you life its affordable to find or change therapists. Only the best to you mate. You got this. Greetings from Germany.
@LasseIndonesisch-nh2ji that sounds really tough. I wish you the strength keep hanging in there
I'm not a therapist. I don't have credentials or training or really anything other than speculation.
I can feel, horribly, the feeling of being convinced to open up, to give faith, and then immediately be shamed into oblivion for it. It's the worst thing in the world, confirmation of some of the worst impulses that I thought I was distancing from.
You opened up once to them (the psychologist), and felt that. You then kept seeking help despite that. I know how hard the inner and outer critic must have been hitting you, and you're still trying. That still trying part was the hardest step of the process I've been through so far, and you passed it.
I'd say be strong, but you've already got the strength down. You just gotta keep trying until you're mind and body catch up to it.
Im sorry that you've had to go through this. You can do it though
Contractual therapy for personality treatment when addiction is present is normal. Did you fail to meet the terms of the contract you agreed to when beginning therapy? They probably could recommend a specific practitioner if they cant treat someone not meeting the treatment contracts but recommending a hospital is okay.
As a schizoid person most of you were saying resonated very deeply with me, or rather an old self of mine since I've grown through a lot of hardships to live more "normally".
This goes out to all my schizoid people, you're not alone.
This is the most empathetic video I've seen! It's difficult to research borderline personality disorder because we are often portrayed with a lot of hatred as toxic people to avoid. I want to learn about my disorder without hating myself more and feeling even more like a lost cause. I would add that the parasympathetic system and that your amigdala learns to react to what hurt you when you were younger and try to avoid when you become an adult. As a result, we sabotage ourselves by following reflexes that protected us when we were young. Your body and mind are in wartime even if the world is calm. It's like you navigeted your work office the same way you was doing at school avoid your bullies. You keep your reflex cause your body and your mind still in protective mode.
That was one of the most powerful things that therapy did for me was put into words the following:strategies that we developed to protect ourselves as children were adaptive or appropriate for that time when you were in danger and then when you move out of that situation to a safer one or you are more in control of your life, you obviously still have those strategies. You don't suddenly lose those strategies, so now in the new context they are maladaptive and can hurt you. It really explains things in a way that is compassionate and really explains the situation so you can release blaming yourself and move on to the healing.
I need this episode so much.
In my last therapy session my therapist wanted me to fill the following sentence:
For as long as I can remember I have always felt (blank).
My word was alone. And it was so incredibly difficult to stare that word in the face and admit it, accept it, and really sit in that vulnerability.
You know what’s weird, my parents are probably top 1% of parents, they’re seriously amazing and have always put in immeasurable effort. And still to this day at 23 years old, I don’t even feel comfortable playing a speaker when I shower because I’d be expressing my music taste and I know they would have an opinion about that. We even have very similar tastes in music. My parents are very expressive and loving and open, I’m just a different person around them. I live with them, and I hate that I can’t feel normal/myself so much. It makes life so much worse I wish I could just snap out of it
I feel you and have felt the same way. My way to deal with it was to just do it anyway. It taken many years and I still have headphones on and still haven't shone every song into my playlist but it kinda has a snowball effect when you just play 1 that you feel may be acceptable you can over time play more till you feel more comfortable.
my situation a few years ago was simmilar.
I never went against it. I told myself that it meant I knew proper manner. But this way of thinking took over slowly.
Now, I live on my own. I never play music out loud. I don't use machines unless i am sure my neighbours are all gone ( i check the cars) I never open windows, would rather go to the park than sit in my garden etc. I know, it's not the same thing. But probably talk about it with your parens or discuss with gpt how you can overcome this. goodluck.
What you're asking is just fundamentally incompatible with academic research
We can't possibly quantify subjective experience and the tailor make a treatment for personality disorders
That's just not how medicine works
We have to adhere to measurable facts i. e. Symptoms
Otherwise risk failing the scientific method and falling into pseudoscience territory
which is arguably far more dangerous to public health
I'm sorry we feel that modern medicine failed you
But we can't just work things backwards
we need to refine the method not discard it
I have the exact same feeling.
One thing that has made a difference for me, is with some things like this or similar, I have made a pact with myself that whenever this thought pops up of the urge to avoid an action like playing the speaker for fear of the values other will place on my music (here parents), fear of taking taking space soundwise that I feel unworthy of, thus feeling the value positive/negative of the space taken and music taste will reflect back on me,
is then having to do exactly that, take the space.
If I see someone on the street I have to pass by and the same feeling pops up, then i Know because of the thought that I have to do it.
And hey, despite me misreading negative things into neutral and positive reactions, they often don't care, react neutrally or positively.
Some of these patterns of behavior are of course also in my relations and actions to people I know, in situations like the above that doesn't involve a direct conversation, for me the above mentioned examples have been an important way trying to improve, they're still uncomfortable, but with the right exposure these things can get easier.
@@southpaw97_I like that thx
I love the description of personality disorders being a disorder of perception (innate beliefs of their unique extreme,rejectable defects ) we need to provide people who suffer from these with compassion, not stigma and disdain
awareness and corrective experiences are needed for healing and nervous system attenuation - if we develop these things socially, we get out of them socially. depth therapy, must dive into the abyss to pull out the poisoned thorn
we fit reality to our feelings (confirmation bias)
schizophrenia is fed by intelligence and hyperactive pattern recognition, personality disorders often engage in mind reading, magical thinking (negative)
social anxiety usually know they are anxious or maladaptive without treatment, vs pretreatment delusions or perceptional distortion -
diagnosis is artificial, symptoms on a spectrum - things that happen to you vs things that reshape you - pervasiveness differences
the client puts the hope in the therapist or the therapists hope - it is too much to expect the client to have hope
taking the leap - creates neuroplastiscity.
SSRI dampens emotions (not happy, just turn down the sad, memories are mood congruent so depression distorts reality)
psychedelics can induce neuroplasticity, if in a negative place, you can do irreversible harm and end up way worse
1:02:08 this was the most wholesome thing to see. Therapists being there for another therapist. How sweet. 💜
He explained me perfectly.. dad left when I was 3. Single mother household where my privacy wasn’t respected and betrayed. not to mention adhd depression anxiety and idk what else. I want to get better but every time I feel like I make progress I just come right back. I hope I’ll be able to change that trough meditation wish me luck 🙏
Thank you for this episode! Personality disorders are fascinating because they are everywhere-within us, our families, our friends, and our colleagues. No one is free from flaws, and when pathological traits cluster together, they form a personality disorder. A major life crisis can also amplify these traits into pathology. Interestingly, many mental health professionals are drawn to the field due to their own struggles with personality disorders or depression.
As an introvert (with avoidant and schizoid tendencies), I found this episode particularly engaging. Unfortunately, despite its profound impact on relationships and work, this field remains surprisingly underexplored.
For future episodes, I’d love to see discussions on schizoid, schizotypal, paranoid, or dependent personality disorders. Basically we're fed up of the Boisterous and flamboyant B type personnalities similar to Hystrionics ; Borderlines, antisocials and psychopaths/Narcissists; they're talked about everywhere and we want to hear about the people who suffer in silence too. This content is invaluable for junior psychologists, medical professionals, and anyone interested in the complexities of human behavior. Looking forward to the next one-thank you!
Please do more conversations with Dr. Honda. You bring out the best in each other in providing information.
yes
I had an expericence over this christmas that relates to looking into the void. I lost my job (agian) and was unable to pay my own bills let alone get loved ones gifts. My relationship was unwatered and my life in chaos. I had to stare into the void, See me and my actions for what they truely were. It's a blessing and a curse to be incharge of yourself and your actions. It's not just about facing the void once but learning not tot fear it and to look into it daily with hope for change and action at the ready.
You two together doing videos together is seriously awesome!!!
We agree! 💚
This was incredible, please have this man on again.
I’ve been following Dr. Honda for many years and just discovered Dr. K within the past year. They both have easily become two of my favorite accounts/communities on UA-cam, so I was mind blown seeing this collab! Thank you both for making this. It was super informative and helpful. I know that I have dismissive avoidant attachment per my therapist but I gotta say, the description of avoidant personality disorder reallllly hits close to home..so it makes me wonder if that’s something I may need to explore further. Anyways …yall are awesome! Thanks ❤
What a fantastic episode on so many levels. The obvious factual information is incredible. What was equally impactful was watching you interact. For those of us following you many have never really had a lot of modeling around healthy conversation techniques. Watching two train doctors be both vulnerable and analytical was wonderful. I really appreciated the modeling of getting information in a non-threatening way. I also love the respect and acceptance of love and care that you demonstrate in this interaction. Well done gentlemen so many of us here have no model for effective respectful and caring interactions. There are a lot of videos with definitions and information, but not many that model the behavior in a genuine and non scripted way.
I swear Dr K is the only one that can come out with a 2hr video that I will watch no questions asked. I find myself absolutely immersed, I think it is because of the way that Dr K makes every video like this so interactive, so that even if you aren't experiencing what the topic is, you feel like you come out of it understanding more about the world. Also big props to Dr Honda, the way he explained his points were also so in depth and well put together, will definitely check out the podcast.
It was so fabulous to both see you "working" together and with each other while still also presenting to us. Showing that moment of validation and bit of corrective emotional experience gave me goosebumps! Thank you both so much.
i love how protective Dr Honda is. he truly has a heart for his clients
To me as someone who has been diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder it feels like I am simultaneously the most average and boring person in the world but also in some inexplicable way fundamentally different than everyone else.
The part, where Dr. Honda suggest that someone in the family sees you, as you really are, feels so alien to me. I my case, my much older siblings labeled my as a annoying nuisance. Even now now decades later the notion still comes trough in comments and hidden insults. As a child, I probably got much more positive validation from outside my family.
Same
Years ago I told my psychiatrist that I have social anxiety that's so bad it's like a phobia. My system goes haywire when I even think about certain (and many) social situations. It wasn't until a handful of months ago that I discovered this disorder and it explains my experience of my entire life. Decades gone. It's devastating. I keep trying, though.
I LOVE Dr. Honda!!!!! My favourite therapist in the world ever! And then to see him on my favourite's psychiatrist's channel is WOW!!!!
i just want to say, im 29 and ive struggled with avoidant disorder forever. but i met someone special a few months ago and in this short time its wild that shes changed my life in so many ways. We are just good friends but maybe who knows what holds in the future. Im still terrified of relationships i wont lie but for once in my life im actually putting myself out there a tiny bit. went on a few dates/made 2 sort of friends. just within the last 4 months. this is major change for me. i guess 1 person can alter your life its a beautiful thing to feel
Wish could be genuinely happy for you.. damn
Love this interview. Never seen your guest anywhere else before, but I love that he’s willing to get a little bit personal. I love the way he describes different concepts. Very interesting perspective. Would be great to see him on the channel again.
Just made it to the end of the video. Would love to hear you two talk about spirituality because it’s something that interests me a lot about your channel as someone who grew up without any (or at least not strong) religious or spiritual influences.
Ohhh i love him! So great you also value his opinion. I really think he is one of the best! Thanks for having him! Yeah you!
Didn't realize this was a reupload of a stream and in the middle of it was like wait a minute... I have definitely watched this before😮
Same, lol!!!
Yep, me too
Can we get some relationship stuff from Dr. Honda as well? He’s got some really great stuff on his channel but I feel like a more concentrated video for the HG community on relationships and attachment would be awesome and extremely helpful! ❤ Thanks for all that you do, both HG & Psychology in Seattle!!
Bump
Holy cow, he hit the nail on the head explaining the feeling and thought process. I’m glad there are people like him who are able to put into words what so many have difficulty expressing. I remember the sense of relief I felt when I found out there was a known name and explanation to what I was feeling. That it exists, and is known by professionals and other people.
Hardest 10 seconds start of any video ever 😭 Straight to my soul putting words to what I believe and feel.
From a vajrayana and somatic perspective, anger is an activating emotion designed to move us to action (often to protect others). As per the Tibetan Buddhist spiritual system, one may conceptualize Dr. Honda as experiencing "fierce compassion" for 5th grade Dr. Kanoja. Compassion can be either gentle or fierce (protective). Not as in protecting the ego or an ego defense, but rather fierce compassion can manifest as the natural urge to protect the vulnerable, such as a child from bullying. I'm entering graduate studies to be a counsellor for context, so, this is how I make sense of that interaction between these clinicians from my own spiritual perspective which is from a different tradition I believe than from Dr. K's spiritual perspective.
PS. Super grateful for the opportunity to learn from these brilliant clinicians, it's definitely shaping me as a future counsellor 💗 Thanks Dr. K & Dr. H!
These are the type pf conversations i have waited years for you to start having. These conversations are vital for teaching others to understand themseleves and those around them, something that as a societal whole in America we've been tricked into thinking we understand.
Thank you for this conversation! I was diagnosed with avpd last year and it really changed my understanding of my past. We were horribly abused in elementary school, teachers hit us when we got answers wrong or when we forgot our homework. When I told my parents, my dad just said that he went to the same school and the same teacher hit him too. He didn't do anything to help me. I soon realised that being perfect will protect me from harm: if I get all my answers right, if I don't talk unless I'm asked to etc., I'll be safe. This actually worked. I made myself completely invisible to everyone and some people didn't even notice whether I was in their class or not.
Unfortunately, 20 years later, I'm still a horrible perfectionist and can't talk. I feel like I'm still just wearing an invisibility cloak and can't take it off
Just want to say I emailed Dr Honda years ago and wanted him to connect with Dr. K, and I am so glad to see you guys made a connection.
It's true that people don't listen, care or notice. It's true we're alone in this world and will abandon others as well. It's true we cannot trust others. There is absolutely a constant threat of humiliation, security loss and much worse.
Good to see Dr. Honda again. I learned a lot about myself from his deep dives on Schizoid. I'm more comfortable being me now.
I will add: beware *any* other content on the internet about schizoid. Nearly all of what I have seen confuses schizoid with schizoaffective, schizotypal, or cluster B disorders. There are a lot of people out there talking above their level of knowledge. There is a PDF, Treatment of Schizoid Personality - an Analytic Psychotherapy Handbook, that is not too bad.
It's the same episode ...
We need him back!! Maybe even more of him asking questions about Dr K’s past.
Listening to this makes my chest hurt. Too many 'nail on the head' moments. Been in therapy 30 years, only just found a therapist who is responding to me, and all I can think is "Oh. This explains why I don't like feeling and all I want to do is go away."
I (32M) never really understood why I was a bit different. I want to be with people but my anxiety and social battery is so low and I tend to get extremely anxious before going to social gatherings (somatic symptoms). It wasn’t until last year did I realize, in therapy, that my parents weren’t ever there for me, emotionally. And for years in therapy when they’d ask about my childhood I didn’t have anything to say because I wasn’t beaten and they were there physically. But emotionally they were completely gone. It’s so hard to get people to understand and it’s so hard to understand myself in what that does to my perception of social interactions and relationships. It’s really heavy stuff. I want so much but my brain has too many concerns and self judgements
@@FreshMahogany Oof. Too relatable.
Dude, me too. I often wish that something “clearly traumatic” happened to me because it would have been so much easier to understand and blame, but all I’m left with is family who were never emotionally available and never protected me from emotional bullying
Me too. I get beaten a bit here and there but almost 0 emotionally. My mom is always catering my older bro and my youngest sis. My dad is a workaholic. It's sad now that I think about it..
36M. The information availability has changed...our parents grew up in a time with physical information sharing and raised on post WW2 mindsets... not all cultures were effected, or in the same way.
"Set your own standards in life and live them" x
I’ve been struggling with this myself, i always thought of my parents as being emotionally caring towards me and my sister, and I still do think they love and want the best for us, but I felt extremely lonely and anxious throughout my entire childhood and they never once seemed to notice or do anything about it, and now I find myself relating to almost everything in this video. It’s taken me forever to realize that their parental love for me was not a substitute for having emotional intelligence and keeping in-tune with my thoughts and feelings.
I feel like I suffer from the AVPD. I always think to myself that I have nothing interesting to talk about with people. I have no humor skills to keep the other person engaging and I never really know how to start and end a conversation. So far, I think I have only been able to date during my undergrad years is because of my decent looks. Also believe that post graduate and post covid, my personality have gotten even more introverted and I always fear one on one setting because I get in my head too much. I crave friendships and relationship that we see in movies or have like a big group of friends that cares about you, text you all the time. But I cant ever seem to form a community myself. I want friends that I can make memories with, plans events with etc. etc. I even fear that one day when I get married (if I get married) I wont have any friends to attend my wedding. Also another fear is dating because I feel like your partner expects you to have decent friend group and community that you can plan events and game nights with but I have none of that and that will eventually bore her of me because of my lack of social skills.
also to add to this, now that I think about it...I have never been able to completely move on from my past relationship (its been 4 yrs)...maybe bc I think that I will never be able to find someone new. I haven't been able to so far. I still think about it time to time. She treated me horribly but I still cant seem to hate her completely. I think the reason for this is my fear of abandonment. My conscious self knows that she is not good for me but my subconscious still hopes I wish I could go back to her and wish we could make things work. I just cant fathom the fact that someone can be so harsh and just act like there is no existence of me. Then I feel guilty and mad at myself that I cant hate her and feel like beta male who is stuck. I feel like I have so much to offer but no one recognizes that and few that do, eventually leave me too.
they always say that she your exes come back and I always wonder, why I haven't had that experience. No one has every came back to me. Never reached out to see how I was doing. Just once I want them to acknowledge me and my existence.
Also the thing is that, I cant blame my parents either because maybe my parents didn't have knowledge of neglect or my needs and they must have tried their best to give me a good life. So blaming them for this also adds to my guilt. The only person that can fix this is me by having more and more good social experiences and coming across people who care about me.
I feel this too. I am autistic and definitely have an avoidant personality
It really makes you contemplate how your expectations should differ from society's...
@@KraZSK Definitely
I resonate with a lot of what you said. Over the past few months I've started going on a lot of dates. I went on a third date with one girl I really liked but during and after that date I just felt like a fraud sitting there. For the third time in a row she spent hours talking about all the cool stuff she did and I just didn't have anything to share on my part. I think part of it is due to me actually doing nothing with my life (basically just sit around and watch youtube or study) and part of it is due to my lack of social skills (as a result of doing nothing with my life). It might sound stupid, but I want to be someone who has stuff planned like 3-4 evenings a week rather than to be the one that's always available. I want to do something with my life and I'm sure the social skills will follow. Once I've done that, once I'm my own person, I'll start thinking about dating again :)
@@cifer4763 I never had success with dates, they were the most awkward situations
my therapist told my i have avoidant personality disorder, I was shocked, and my two best friends were also shocked, but i have been observing myself very closely and its so true, i cant belive how i fooled everyone including myself
tw; angry rambling...
It was so eye opening to me that everything i'm dealing with now can be traced back to my earliest childhood.
For me, daycare was normal at first .I had fun there, got along with peers...but I was quickly ripped out of that life since SOME GENIUS DAYCARE WORKER decided that since my reading and learning abilities are way higher than on the level of the younger daycare group, they're gonna transition me very early to the older group. Apparentlly no one even told my parents.
Of course, as the younger kid among older kids, i was immediatlly rejected and bullied. I quickly became depressed, the daycare workers from the older group never even noticed me when i was sitting alone in a corner and trying not to cry. I wished so so much that i could go back to the younger group, to my friends, but i knew the adults were the ones deciding my fate...
I never told my parents. They were always mostly working and absent, anyway. I never really felt like i could tell them about my struggles, i knew they weren't comfortable with it. Anytime i came crying to my mother (because my father was almost always unavailable at those moments), btw I can COUNT THOSE TIMES WITH MY FINGERS, I would get an awkward hug, a half confused half annoyed stare, and heard things like "It's not like you're thinking" or "you've got it all wrong" or just "you'll see it's not that important". Guess who began to feel like an idiot in their own family afterwards.
At the last day of daycare, i wished i was gone, and i wished the daycare was gone.I was done with everything and just wished to die. I remember taking one last look at that building, and i thought to myself that i'm glad i'm finally leaving, and that i never want to step in there again.
But since i finished daycare early, later on IT WAS ALWAYS THE SAME PATTERN. I was always the youngest kid in every group-elementary school,middle school,high school. And always felt like the wrong one among others. Never really got bullied again, but got shunned and made fun of many times,not in a good way. By fifth grade, i had suicidal thoughts. Social anxiety got so bad for me that I sometimes spent ENTIRE DAYS IN ANXIETY ATTACKS AND FIGHT OR FLIGHT RESPONSE. By the begginning of highschool i believed myself to be a social and intellectual cripple, I almost didn't talk to anyone at school for the ENTIRE FOUR YEARS. It was the pandemic that finally made me break.I confessed to my mother that I'm in DIRE NEED OF PROFFESIONAL HELP. I couldn't hellp but cry in public. I got met with an angry stare, but hell I didn't care anymore. I just wanted to cry.
And it's not only that. I've recently been remembering certain events from my past, unrelated to what i just wrote, ones i was ALSO left upon to process all by myself. And with those came a lot of grief...
Right now I'm in college, waiting for the start of therapy. I belive it's going to last years. Because for me, shit has been stirring inside for more than EIGHT F*CKING YEARS. I got through it all by myself, faking everything and lying to myself, just pushing through to the other day cause my parents taught me to do so. How do i feel now? Disgusted. Angry and disgusted. ALL OF THIS SH*T WAS CIRCUMSTANCE I COULDN'T CONTROL, I CAN'T BLAME ANYONE FOR IT, AND NOW IT'S MY RESPONSIBILITY TO TAKE CARE OF MY MENTAL "ILLNESS". I WOULDN'T EVER WISH THIS SH*T UPON ANYONE. I know i shouldn't, i shouldn't be mad , i should "accept" my past and focus on rebuilding myself. But now I'm a clusterfuck of everything a ''NORMAL" person sees at first glance and thinks "That's weird, that's mentally sick,that's disgusting and wrong , toxic, unwanted, that's an immature person,someone like this should be put away somewhere, discarded of,or it will just get in the way of others'' Do i blame them? No. Not at all. It's not easy for most people to deduce pieces of someone's story based on their state. Or they just don't care. I really, really hope that it's the first case that's prevalent in society. It may sound naive, but i genuinely hope people care for other people they don't know, they just don't know how to show it due to their own doubts.
Parents who read this, take good care of yourself for your f*cking children. Cause if you don't, they'll quickly be lost to the moronity of this world. They won't live their life; they'll survive it. They won't realize their potential,it will bleed out of the wounds they received. They will stray from the path others seem to walk .They will not know how to get out of the cage they were forcibly closed in.
I relate heavily with your story. I was bullied from around age 5-13 by my brothers relentlessly with no help from my parents. They made me feel less than.
Anyway, I’m no therapist, but if you’ve never been angry about the way you were treated or the way no one saved you, then why not feel angry? That’s where I’m at now. I never really understood in so much depth how betrayed I feel by the people I grew up with. So yes, I’m angry.
Idk if it’ll end someday, but you are right to feel your feelings.
I hope you find someone. I can see all your points, it sucks when you are responsible and non blaming and then stuck with fixing yourself. You aren't alone. I hope you find the skills to manage your intelligence and maturity and find peace.
Thank you for bringing a specialist on to talk about such a complex topic that you say yourself you’ve had limited personal experience treating. Would love to see you do a video like this with an autistic person to discuss autism! ❤
What a beautiful combination conversation, beautiful duo!
One thing I want to reflect, it seems to me that the proto-emotions are the more real, less societally molded, true expressions. And what I would expect going towards enlightenment feels like, so a hard fate may have upsides, is to truly feel later in life. Even though not so functional perhaps.
More of this guy please! It's so nice to get a different perspective, and an expert on personality disorders!
Would be so amazing to get a condensed and "frameworked" version of his dissertations on each of the different personality disorders he is familiar with. I feel like everyone here could learn a lot, and the notes at the end are so helpful.
I'm glad you didn't cover spiritually here, because it'd have been too many different themes for one talk, but I would like to listen to that talk too!
Such a good, deep conversation. You two have very different frameworks, but they work so well together. The amount of mindblowingness in this conversation is probably in violation of Geneva conventions though... :D
My wife has severe BPD. It is not easy. But those people are just as deserving and awesome as anyone else and should be handled with the kind of kindness you two embodied.
Personality disorder is really easy to explain. Harmful outer influences prevent the healthy development of the personality in childhood. That results in an extremely insecure, non-functional, unstale psyche with a lot of emotional problems and helplessness. Since the human being still needs to somehow cope with the world, he or she develops dysfunctional coping strategies. These can be histrionic, narcissistic, avoidant, antisocial etc. The personality disorders that are diagnoseable are different coping mechanisms for the underlying underdeveloped and fearful sense of self
As someone who has been diagnosed with schizoaffective, major depressive, and generalized anxiety disorders, this interview was incredibly insightful and helpful. Thank you for your amazing guests and insights, Dr. K!
Just started watching but as someone diagnosed with AvPD and who’s been in therapy for just over three years I’m excited to listen!
The wound is deep. I remember a lonely period in my childhood and teenage years, i had better experience later on that made me heal a bit, but i will never forget that I felt exiled from human race, like I was not a part of anything, I was just physically present in school. My soul was shut off. It was unfair that adults put me through this. Not many people understand what it's like and how foreign and new it was to become a person in a group, to be seen for the first time, start attaching like a normal person. How new and difficult was to just belong.
I was diagnosed with this years ago. Undetstood quite a bit at the time, but listening to you guys is making it much clearer
As a clinical counsellor myself, this was incredibly enlightening!!! Thank you so much to you both
I like the way Dr. Honda centered in on fear of abandonment with borderline personality disorder. I agree that’s a big part of it.
I engage in a lot of avoidant behavior and I've always wondered whether I have a personality disorder or some kind of other diagnosis. From what you've discussed I can make a strong assumption that my avoidance is caused by social anxiety and not an avoidant personality because I am aware that my behavior is fear-based and not rational. Also, that thing you said about having developed some sort of a relatively normal personality architecture and then something happening which causes changes in you is spot on. That's exactly how it was for me.
Dr K, your questions are great. You are making this interview very useful and allowing us to understand by the questions you are asking
I listened to this on the Pod, and now watched some of it here. The conversation you shared about your bullying experiences was very cool to witness. Love the mutual respect you have for one another, and feel like being vulnerable really cemented that.
that was such a wholesome interaction indeed
As a person that tried therapy via zoom with three different therapists (with minimal success) this conversation is _definitely_ two therapists getting theraputisized in their own language. Fascinating stuff. Appreciate the content, gave me a lot to think about.
I've felt uneasy with myself since adolescence, stuck in life for like 14 years. When I finally realized I needed help I went to a therapist. Got to talk about how my relationship with my parents wasn't what I thought was ideal... Eventually I stopped being able to afford therapy so I just concluded that I just simply suffered depression all those years.
But it is right now, not even halfway through watching this video that I finally got to know what it is that I have, the exact disorder that describes what I so much thought was a unique life experience that belonged only to me.
This gray area that consists of some mental disorders not that tragic yet so dangerously invisible and that's why I cannot thank both of you enough for exploring this specific topic. You have granted me a starting point to begin healing this fucking awkwardness that keeps me from daring to take chances in life and pursue a better life. GRACIAS TOTALES!!
Well described. Right there with you
So glad to see Dr. Kirk again!!
reupload 😢
Man, I thought i was going nuts for a hot minute. I loved this the first time and am so happy to be reminded of it now. @@Wingedmagician
As a fan of both of you individually these collaborations are amazing
Damn, this stream was so good it had to be posted twice. Pleasure learning about Dr. Honda.
I love when my favorite UA-camrs come together!
I just avoided my brother's marriage today, my dad was very furious ( he might be embarrassed of how will he respond to questions from relatives & guests : where's your 2nd child? Why didn't attend family marriage function? ) I hope he'll understand what Avoidant Personality Disorder issue is hopefully respect my decision to not attend family event & Just once in life try to understand & accept me as who i am & stop getting physically violant every time i didn't do what he told me to do what normal people can do easily,
Thank you both of you that acknowledgement that Avoidants types also real a thing ...
What about your brother? Did you apologize to him? What if he really wanted you to share that day with him? Even if your father is mean you could just tell him to stay away and focus on our brother's day. Also don't give up and try therapy, it helped me a lot with my anxiety disorder and now I'm working overseas and going outside.
@@kirausamaria5409 what exactly happened in therapy & what kind or kinds of therapy you took ? How much time it took you to change yourself?
@@kirausamaria5409 why are you guilt-tripping them, you don't know their situation with their sibling.
@vivvy_0 I don't know, maybe he gets along with the rest of his family. Anyways, he needs to go to therapy in order to get better or he'll be forever struggling going out to events he may want to go.
It is so hard for you therapists absorb all pain and try to find hope for two. I am glad you exist
This is the collaboration I've always wanted - dream team here
A lot of this feels both vindicating and sobering. Since I was a kid Ive asked every doctor ever why my words n efforts dont meet ears unless it was an irritant of sorts. Years of therapy later and the most Ive gotten was a diagnosis for high anxiety and severe depression and while that's been great to know it never changed that simple fact.
Thank you for this talk, it's given things to think about and some hope on a better grip on socializing.
I love that while they are both experts in the field they both seemed to gain some significant insight from each other.
Yes!! Dr. Kirk Honda And Dr. K -- My dream COLAB. Let's gooooo !
Wow, I made a video on this three months or so ago and listening to this has given me so much more information ❤
I am LOVING the collabs with Dr. Honda!! ❤
So happy to see Dr. Honda on this episode!! Have loved his content for so long. 😊
People like you helped me realize not only is it not hopeless having BPD but after getting into Jung and branching out more I've come to realize that's exactly what I wanna work with..
Can you please explain what you mean by "exactly what I wanna work with" ? What was your realization and how did you reach it ?
How did Jung help you with BPD ? How did you branch out from Jung ?
I used to think I either had avoidant or social anxiety. I spend most of my time alone. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m normal, and everyone else is fucking insane. Now being alone is just avoiding everyone’s drama.
Yeah my retreat has also been a direct response by others' toxic treatment of me
Envy, jealousy, their insecurities spilling over
It lead to so much hurt that I haven't been part of any significant friend group for the last 15 years
And now that I'm older I've no idea how to ever get such a "friend group" anew
All I have is my extended family but there is also bullying so it's not a safe environment per se
I was diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder. It was useful putting it a name and finding other people that have it.
I described it to my therapist after high school as a deep fear of being "out of the joke" that everyone would be thinking something bad about me and I would be the only one who didn't know that everyone was seeing this about me. It really is this deep feeling of being defective and wrong, damn this resonants with me sooooo intensely! It makes me pick myself apart and worry that my worst thoughts about myself are true. I'm honestly much better than I used to be, but that belief of being broken/wrong/rejectable/unlovable, is persistent.
I remember being really young in a daycare in a woman's home. She had kittens in her basement, blocked by a little babygate. I wanted to hold and play with them so badly! She clearly didn't want to let me, but wouldn't give me a solid answer, and I remember having the realization that she didn't love me, and I was a job to her so she didn't care that I really wanted to play with the kittens. It was a sad hopeless feeling, and also calm and certain. Obviously this is just one example, but I was probably only like 5 years old. I have always had a hard time believing that anyone will want to help me besides my mom, who I know loves me. I have a hard time believing anyone else truly cares about me.
I was literally searching for a video like this, and you come up with a 3h video hahah. You are the best.
This sounds a lot like my experience growing up as an undiagnosed autist with emotionally immature parents, didn't fit in at school and got yelled at by my parent's worship leader constantly, so i learned to become invisible, while I've learned to handle mandatory social interactions, i have no friends because the idea of hanging out with a stranger is terrifying, I'm healing though, it just takes so much time
15 seconds in and most of my life has been described.
I think I will watch this one!
I wasn't aware of my avoidance until my youngest child who is autistic said to me one day, "I'd really like to meet new people but it's really hard. We live in a small town & we're the only people I know who sits in the car at the park & waits for everyone to leave before we get out."
I actually laughed really hard, only bc I didn't realize until that exact moment that I had always done that, every single time. I didn't know I was avoidant, I just knew I hated being around most people, which sounds like the same thing, but it isn't.
That was one of the most interesting and helpful explanations of personality disorder I ve never heard .
I exprienced all the ingredients of borderline/avoidant/feeling-worthless disorder as a child and I also turned out gay. I felt totally worthless even before I started to feel atracted to my own sex, and life has just been one problem/flaw reticulating off into so many others. Like the Greek hydra, a spiral into hell.
To progress in life, I've figured out that the root of it all is my lifelong feeling of worthlessness, but it feels impossible to know which parts of me are really me, which ones are direct results of my experiences, and which ones are effects of my adopted survial strategies.
Edit: After watching this and hearing Dr. K's analysis of anime-interested people, I'm also wondering how many of my inerests are genuine and innate. I love things that are stimulating to the senses: bright colors in painting, playing insruments with intense focus, also some of my online vices....
I think it would be interesting to discuss having an avoidant personality disorder, but socializing anyway and just feeling bad all the time
I'm like this
I had, and probably still have, avoidant personality disorder. I knew this in my early 20's and tackled it on my own. This was a really informative podcast and I guess I had it worse than I thought. I never went to a professional about it, I conducted my own cognitive therapy on myself forcing myself for years to do uncomfortable shit that has worked out, but also simultaneously made me a little less confident (?) because I still judge myself so harshly than perhaps I would if I worked with a professional. Happy to say I have a healthy marriage and a stable career now and I actually believe people like and love me. I'm not running away anymore. You have to stand your ground.
Anyone who thinks they have this, just please go see a professional. It really will help you 1000% faster than I probably helped myself. And let's be real, I probably only moderately fixed the problem.
i was hoping this would be the spirituality video.
well, guess i just watched this for the third time.
still a great interview.
I find I relate to what this man has to say, in terms of given up on finding a partner. Recently, I met a girl, I told myself I would do whatever it took to work through the anxiety and be as honest as possible, I want her to know the real me. It’s hard, and I don’t think I’d be able to do it if she wasn’t also pursuing me. She’s open and honest, kind, and caring. With all that said, I can’t even take my shirt off at a public pool. I think I’ve worked through a lot of the Avoidant personality disorder or maybe just very bad anxiety, but just walking around now I don’t feel like everybody is looking at me. How do I start to let that go, I’m actively losing weight, but that’s just a means to an end, doesn’t really fix the solution of how I view myself. Used to weigh a lot more than I do now even, I have irreversible stretch marks, I have man boobs and just fat on my abdomen. It feels like this is the final battle. I’ve changed a lot, but I don’t know how to change this unless the answer is “just go for it “. With her, I’m willing to try. But I’d also like my anxiety to not be 100 out of 100.
Absolutely obsessed with how Dr Honda manages to compress 'personality disorder' down to 2 syllables
Ah, I almost didn't recognize him with the beard 😅
Dr Honda is great ❤ I used to watch him during the pandemic when I was learning for my clinical psychology exams.. So cool you two found each other. ❤❤ Love the conversation between you two, great video, great content.
What a great episode, so many great insights ! Dr K and Dr Honda have such a great chemistry together
is this a repost?
yes
yeah i realized it is a repost too, but it is still nice to rewind and redigest the information
Yes
I was having a serious case of deja vu and was wondering if I was going mad.
yup, i wonder why
Beautiful moment dr. K getting dr. K’d. My favorite so far. If only we had ppl at that critical moment of trauma to stand up for us & tell ppl it’s not ok. Even though I agree it made me into who I am, I still would have loved that.
my 2 fave psychologists in one vid,, what a treat ❤❤