6 Months Later - SPD, Therapy, Trauma, Life...
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- Опубліковано 3 жов 2024
- It's been just over 6 months since my diagnosis, so here's an update and some thoughts about my mental health, including comorbid depression, glass child trauma, how therapy is going with a psychologist who knows I'm schizoid, and other things about my life. Juuust managing to squeeze this one into July lol. Honestly wasn't sure I'd keep doing 3-monthy updates, actually kinda forgot about it, but hey why not right?
Note: Even though I had dot points to keep me on track, I do occasionally misspeak. As I later clarify, we're not treating my SPD, we're treating my depression in the context of SPD, which is still challenging given the lack of proven approaches, but a little more doable.
P.S. If you're planning to question my diagnosis, please see • Post and • Schizoid Gatekeeping -...
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Thx for posting this
26:55 I've never heard that preferring solitude is a defense mechanism relating to SPD. Avoidant personality disorder is something I read about and their lack of socializing usually comes from fear of being hurt, self esteem issues, etc. Personally I have issues with socializing because I don't enjoy it. When I was in my late-teens and constantly getting invited to places I always felt bored, detached and not interested in talking or "having fun". Once I realized how much socializing adult life contained I stopped accepting invitations and just checked out of it all together. The part about being a social species and not lasting on your own made me chuckle because I mean that's sort of what this disorder causes. We aren't really sexual so no children and we aren't social which can lead to homelessness or low-socioeconomic status (earlier death, not being to able afford good food, healthcare, etc). It's pretty grim but I'm ok with it because at the end of the day solitude is what I enjoy and I don't want to stop living this way.
Personality disorders in general seem to be defence mechanisms against something negative. We may not _consciously_ use solitude as a defence the way avoidants do with their overt fear, but it's possibly a similar thing, as if we've gone a whole step further and now we don't even feel a need to socialise which saves us from having to feel any pain related to isolation, neglect, etc. Like if you imagine someone develops avoidant because of their fear of being hurt. Now they won't be hurt. But then they start feeling pain from not socialising. If it got so bad that they couldn't function, maybe the brain would turn that off so that they no longer feel the pain of not socialising. Then you'd have something that looks a lot like SPD if that makes sense? Of course I don't know if that's how it works, and I don't think that's how mine went either, but just as an example of what I mean, SPD could be a few more steps down the rabbit hole of subconscious self-protection.
At least, that might be the case for those of us with traumagenic SPD. If your SPD is more biologically related to schizophrenia then perhaps not. Since mine is almost certainly trauma-related though, it may have developed in me to avoid the pain associated with not having those emotional needs met as a child. If I don't have needs, I won't feel pain when they aren't met. That's sorta what I mean. Like I said about how my brain takes different perspectives, I don't actually experience it as a defence mechanism, I too find most socialising boring af. But I can still see from a bigger picture how it might function as a defence without me realising, especially now that I have more clues as to how it developed in me. So I guess I don't _feel_ it's a defence mechanism, but logically I _think_ it could be. Hope that distinction makes sense!
But yeah wow the way you've laid out the social species survival thing haha... We're not exactly winning the survival of the fittest game hey XD
Well never mind if my genes are doomed, no kids, probs not gonna live long, I don't mind that. Instead I'll spread my ideas lol, because I can and the internet can't stop me! I prefer that, if I'm to have any kind of legacy after death. Weird little bits of data in obscure corners of the internet! Buhuhahahaha!! 🔥🔥
Understanding my childhood trauma did help me realise how much it was screwing me up from adolescence onwards by suppressing any and all emotions surrounding it. Coming to terms with it through therapy didn't take it away but it did help me to understand why I would do some of the things I did as coping mechanisms and find ways to not keep compounding the problem. Effectively it was like an badly built upside down pyramid with trauma at the base and I was never going to be stable until I tackled it.
I'm not saying that dealing with trauma will change you fundamentally or even change much at all but from what you said about your therapist she sounds like a good one and maybe give her enough trust to at least see where it leads.
Thanks for that perspective! I suppose the difficult thing for me is I'm still living in the same situation, but maybe it'll show me better ways to deal with it. I think I can see some of what you're talking about already happening? I really need all this suffering to be worth it ^_^;
@@DestroyerMariko you're already way ahead of most people in that you know things can't keep going on as they are and you're open to the risk/potential reward of change to break the cycle. I would cycle up & down between deep depression and more short lived manic states. I'm much more even keeled now and I'm aware of what's going on in my head so I can usually stop myself when I feel I'm slipping into depression. I still have bad times, but they're a lot less frequent and they don't last as long.
Like you I came from a very emotionally stunted family & have never been able to open up to them despite trying. I came to the realisation that I could change even if they couldn't. I did find it much harder to "fix" things while I was still living with them though.
Yeah gotta say I don't see much more progress happening with my parents, it's taken them long enough to get this far lol. I guess opening up in other places might be part of how I attempt that breaking of the cycle. Already got things like UA-cam, my psychologist, my godmother, etc. Sorta slowly building things up so I don't overwhelm myself 🤔 and maybe now I've finally reached a point where I can be more conscious about it all, hmm.
@@DestroyerMariko it doesn't mean you don't love and care for your family, but family don't always live up to how we would like them to be. I had a hard time accepting them for who they were and who I was and feeling let down for things they didn't or couldn't understand. I had a lot of guilt and shame from that inner conflict.
They probably feel equally conflicted about me & my life choices, but you can't live your life to please them. Finding your own way is hard and you're doing the right thing by building an additional extended family of sorts that provide what they can't. I did exactly the same & now I have two families one of which slowly grows bigger over time as I meet people I connect with.
Only you can figure out what you want, who to trust and how you would like your future to be. You're going to have successes & failures along the way so don't beat yourself up too much if you feel you're going backwards at times. There's no easy solutions & anyone who tells you otherwise is at best a fool. Trust your instincts, listen to as much advice as you can but only you can determine what is best for you.
Hey great video! Makes me want to try figuring out stuff in my own life
^_^ Cool, good luck with it! Ngl it's been really hard but hopefully it all turns out to be worth it in the end!
Hugs from your wise godmother 💕
🥰
Almost movie length. I need to get a snack 🍟 and get comfortable 🛋
Bear with me🤣
Did you know your ramblings are a good sleep therapy ;)
Quite a few people have mentioned in the past that they put on my videos as background noise XD
hi again!
Hello!
@@DestroyerMariko been a while sorry! i hope u remember me
Sure do! :)
51:55 Here's an idea, depression might be a symptom of your brain developing a more emotional and feminine side and the needs of that side not being met in your current set up. It's basically a sign of being not happy content with your life.
You should embrace your feelings and use them as a guide to steer your life towards a version that makes you happier. Like a sense of warmth, go towards a lifestyle which feels "warmer".
Don't know what exactly is making you unhappy but it might be due to feeling not being able to connect or fit in with people or feeling loved and understood.
If you are a dominant intuitive, know that dominant intuitive people make up about 7% of the world population so it is normal that you may feel cut off and disconnected from the mainstream culture/people. You should find like-minded people on the web whom you can discuss with and also in real life if possible. Do what makes you happy and I think that way, your chances of bumping into likeminded souls will increase and you may achieve a sense of belonging and connection.
How about joining a tabletop or discord DnD party for instance?
I've been having episodes of depression for two decades mate, this is _not_ a new thing or a development thing or a feminine whatever the fuck. And no shit I'm not happy with my life!? 😂 You might as well be my first psychologist, who said "happy people live longer" like duh?? And you're legit telling a schizoid to seek out warmth and socialise!? Dude! 🤣 Cut out this horoscopey nonsense as well, far out, you're not the first guy to come out of nowhere with the delusion that he's gonna fix me. White knight saviour complex much!? 🙈