WORKING THROUGH INTERNALIZED TRANSPHOBIA & SHAME: TransAndrogynous & AMAB
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- Опубліковано 20 вер 2024
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I used to hate being trans. I desperately wanted to be a cis woman, which is obviously impossible, and caused a lot of internal fear of being myself around others. That has changed very slowly over the years, and even now, 17 years after changing gender, I'm only now starting to truly feel pride at being trans, and if someone offered me a magic pill to turn me into a cis woman I wouldn't take it. I'm now looks for trans friends in my area and trying to open myself up more. I guess it would be fair to call what I thought about myself was transphobic even with feeling internal joy at feeling female.
That’s absolutely beautiful that you’re able to feel pride in who you are. It can be so hard to feel good about being trans in a society that makes it so hard to just exist. I’m so happy you’re able to feel that comforting resonance with yourself. 💛
I felt shame for being Trans lesbian. Had one Trans lady I had a on crush tell me she's straight not gay. It made me feel ashamed and like I had to prove myself to the Trans community in my state by trying to be attracted to guys. I'm just not that way. I've always been attracted to femininty. It's something I still fight with.
Sorry for the super late reply, I don’t get on here much anymore.
I totally understand. Womanhood/femininity is so tied to attracting/being attracted to men that it can be hard to figure things out when that’s not you. You’re 100% valid as a lesbian, and being attracted to femininity and/or women doesn’t diminish your gender at all. Tons of women are gay/sapphic, cis and trans alike. Much love 💛
Thank you for sharing on this! I grew up in a very Christian house and it took until I was 50 to work through my internalized transphobia to start transitioning. I tried when I college-aged but couldn’t deal with my family’s negative reactions. So glad you were! Even though it took this long I am so happy to be on this journey!
It always warms my heart to hear from people who transitioned later in life. It just goes to show that transition can be different for everyone. So glad you’ve been able to go on this journey and I hope it’s treating you well! 💛
great video! It's so refreshing to hear you be open about the uncertainty along your path. Really helps me understand my own with more compassion. thank you for what you do.
Glad my openness can help you be more compassionate to yourself. It can be hard to not have all the answers, especially with pressure from the outside world telling you that you must have everything figured out. Much love 💛
@@brynavery how can you be a "trans/non-binary" at the same time... god i am getting really sick of this back n forth and we have "72 genders" aaaaahahahaha SHOW ME THE 3RD biological gender ill wait
Loved the video, and love that you read some of that book. I could see how examining transphobia (?), transmisogyny (?), and general anti-trans sentiment in a book like that would be a potent way to look at one's own internalized transphobia, and watch such thinking prove itself flimsy and self-incriminating (and having nothing to do with so called virtue).
Glad you enjoyed the video! And omg yeah reading that book was such an eye opening experience, even if it also came with a lot of anxiety and panic. I’m really glad I read it, because it helped me match some of my intellectual logic with my emotional side, which helped me to let go of some of the “emotional” beliefs I held that weren’t healthy
I'm going to be starting hrt in late february/early march and I keep pinballing between being excited and really scared. That's something I've been afraid to admit because I'm doing this, I feel, kind of late. I'm twenty eight years old and by the time I hit three months on hrt I'l be twenty nine. I got a very late start because growing up I was instilled with a lot of queerphobia and my early to mid twenties were about escaping and unlearning that. Then this past year I've been coming to accept that I'm nonbinary transfem, a suspicion I'd been starting to pick up on since I was twenty six or twenty seven. So I know intellectually a lot of the fear comes from internalized transphobia and other people's reactions. It's all from external sources, not internal. I know that intellectually. And yet I can't help but go back and forth between imagining myself five years from now in either happiness or misery. One moment I imagine living my trans identity with my wife who's in grad school, me at home writing books and her working as a social worker. The next moment a horrible intrusive thought crashes through my mind and I see myself homeless and desperate, begging for money and working as a street prostitute. And the implication in that vision is that going on hrt somehow caused me to be homeless. I know that image isn't based in anything rational. I know it's based in my internalized ideas about trans women- the idea that trans people are unhirable, undesirable, and doomed to be miserable wretches. (And yes there's some internalized discrimination against sex workers there too, that's a whole other can of worms but for the record I don't think there's anything shameful about sex work.) I say all this to say I'm struggling with a lot of shame right now. Shame for being trans amab, shame in the form of imposter syndrome, shame for feeling shame because maybe that means I'm not valid. And I think I've been avoiding that shame in my day to day. I think this video let me confront it and recognize it's the source of the irrational fear I'm having. And the thing is that fear passes. I feel gender euphoria on the regular when I embrace being non binary, when I wear makeup and more feminine clothes, and when I think of how I'm gonna look with hormones. I don't know, maybe I'm just rambling. But I guess my main point is to say thank you for this. Thank you for this video when I think I really needed it. Thank you for being a trans person I can really identify with and see myself in. There are a lot of lovely trans people on UA-cam but if I'm honest my experience isn't the same as theirs; in a lot of ways. It really helps to see and hear someone who talks about the less euphoric side of this and who says "it's ok to feel that, here's a way to address it". Wishing you all the best. ❤
Your comment made me tear up; I totally understand that shame you’re feeling, and sometimes it can feel like a pit of despair. It can take over you and make every little thing feel like climbing a mountain. And when you mentioned feeling shameful about feeling shame-that hit home with me too. It can be so difficult to stay centered and grounded when you’re dealing with so many negative a motions, and of course healing is never a straight line up. It’s messy and wobbly and unpredictable. But I’m so glad my videos have been able to help you. And in case you need to hear it-you are exactly where you need to be and are doing great! I know I don’t personally know what it’s like to start transitioning later in life (although I will say I do wish I would’ve started sooner, but I also know I wasn’t emotionally ready to start it until I did), but it’s never too late to be yourself. You deserve to feel free and proud. Best of luck with HRT, and with working through the internalized things that often come with being trans. You’re not alone 💛💛💛
Charli everyone’s 5:43 journey is different. Your path is going to be different than mine or Bryn but we are here for you. I’m non-binary and couldn’t transition female but it didn’t feel right. I knew SRS was for me but I couldn’t or didn’t know non-binary was a thing I got my SRS after Bryn and I’m thrilled. Take your time and do it on your terms. You will not be homeless. I am on female hormones right now even though I won’t be transitioning. I’m so happy and you can be too. ❤
I've been out for six years, but I still have so much shame and fear that holds me back from fully accepting and expressing myself. I've just recently started digging into the childhood roots, and I find that there's an interesting second layer of shame wherein I feel ashamed to be imposing a worldview on myself that is so grossly disconnected from my conscious beliefs. It feels as if I've become tainted by carrying this toxicity inside me.
Still, I really am hopeful that I'll one day be able to proudly celebrate every part of myself! It's really helpful to hear what works for others-- I appreciate your tips💕I'd be curious to know if you ever find yourself restricting your own femininity.
Sorry for the late reply. I hope you’re able to work through your internalized transphobia, I know how hard that can be. I still struggle with the things I was taught growing up, especially being raised Christian. I’ve found that vocalizing my feelings and allowing myself to feel them is very helpful, even if it feels like a step in the wrong direction. And once I allow myself to really feel them (even the really hard feelings) I’m able to actually process the feelings instead of just burying them under logic.
Reading your question of if I ever restrict my own femininity, it made me smile. Because that’s something I’ve been working through the last two years or so, but especially the last few months. I wouldn’t say I’ve been restricting it in the sense of “I want to be more feminine but I’m afraid to,” but more that internally I had a difficult time connecting to it, because I was waiting for permission from my body (aka having bottom surgery). Because expressing femininity prior to bottom surgery felt dysphoric. It would make me hyper fixate on my genitals and I would feel a lot of frustration. But I’ve really been working on allowing my femininity to flow, in the ways that I choose (I’ll never be traditionally feminine). And also coming to terms with being a lesbian has allowed me to feel more secure in my femininity. With so many external aspects of femininity being tied to the patriarchy (and straightness), reclaiming it in a way that feels right for me is very liberating and grounding as well.
I hope you’re able to work through your childhood triggers and internalized beliefs. It’s not easy, but it’s so worth it. Much love 💛
@@brynavery I'm so happy for you-- congratulations friend💓 I'm doing my best and sometimes it even feels like I'm improving
Made it to the end, as always. Also, thank you so much for not being a drama-tuber. Most trans content on youtube just focuses on ever little thing famous bigots say, and it's so very toxic. Your channel is a becon of light and peace amongst a sea of toxic nonsense.
Thank you again. 💗
Omg that brought a smile to my face. Thank you so much, and I’m so glad my videos have been able to bring you so much comfort 💛💛💛
Seriously. I got recommended this video randomly and it's so refreshing hearing someone discuss this vs fighting bigots only.@@brynavery
I very like the fact that you make your videos in differents areas of your house.
Aw thank you! Honestly I just go wherever it’s quietest and the lighting is the best 😅
Thank you for sharing this as someone twice your age and started transitioning last year this video has been so much help ❤️
So happy to hear that 💛
My shame originates from the financial burden of undergoing otherwise elective surgical procedures to simply be comfortable in my body. No one (parents, friends, strangers) will line up their wallets for a perceptibly selfish and unnecessary set of feminizing gender-affirming procedures. So I keep it to myself or complain to the internet anonymously about it. It’s a very lonely and frustrating position I occupy.
Edit: Despite knowing I’ve wanted feminizing surgeries since I was in high school, around 6 years ago, I’m no closer to surgery than I was at first.
Hey Brea! Was doing a search for Internalized Transphobia/shame/guilt and your channel poped up. Lucky me!
Thank you for this, it is really helpful with my own experience that I am working through.
Keep up the valuable! ❤😊
I’m really glad my video was able to help. I wish more people talked about internalized transphobia! I may be coming out with another video on this subject soon (hopefully) 💛
@brynavery Yeah, it was great, keep them coming! Realized/Admitted recently that the biggest hurdle in my transition was my own internalized transphobia. A light bulb moment for sure. #denial 💜🏳️⚧️🇨🇦
Another great video (made it to the end)! Comes at just the right time for me, as my surgery is due in February. Your advice for dealing with the doubts and fears is so helpful.
Yay, I’m glad my video was helpful for you! And best of luck with surgery! 💛
Best wishes for your surgery. I know it's going to go wonderfully. 🤗❤
@@LettaLeeJoy Thanks! ❤
wonderful video. this really struck a chord with me and ill definitely think to what you said about following what feels right for you in this moment and if at some point i feel this isnt right for me then ill face that if it happens and do whats right for me then. you cant fit us into black and white when were all our own unique shade of gray
Glad my video was able to help! The world is not black and white, but full of gray areas and color. Best of luck 💛
Hello I'm mtf. As a kid growing up I would get people bullying me for doing things I really liked and also some random things. I've become very shy and awkward infront of people. I get super anxious about doing anything in front of anyone espicially if its something I like. But this makes me question if I'm trans whenever I want to do something feminine. On top of that all the transphobia I see online really gets to my head and makes me really wish I was never trans. If I was to meet anyone from school who bullied me I would feel very ashamed to be trans. Theres much more I could say but I have trouble getting it out. But at the end of the day I dont hate being trans. I hate that I didnt have the courage to come out sooner.
Also you want to know something pretty interesting. About 100 years ago red used to be seen as a manly colour and pink for boys. Blue was a feminine colour. Weird how things change.
(10:55) I just noticed Waluigi in the top left corner lol!
Lol it’s my brother’s!
I made it to the end 😁 I appreciate hearing your experiences!
Yay!! 💛
I'm happy to make it to the end! I learn a lot and you calm me and make this stuff make sense! Thanks, your lovely! ❤️
Thank you 💛
I am so happy for you. For us. You’re amazing.
💛💛💛
I really hate being trans. I hate it so much. I feel like a stupid little kid playing dress up, and I feel like in the end I'll always be unhappy. I hate being so embarrassed with myself that I have to pretend to be something I'm not everyday, and when someone comments on how "pretty" and "skinny" I look I want to die. I hate being perceived as a girl but I will make a fool of myself if i tell people I'm not a girl. I worry I'll never be happy as myself, but seeing other trans people grow up to be genuinely happy people gives me a bit of hope at least, so thank you.
I’m sorry you’re feeling that way, but I totally get it. Your feelings are valid, and are definitely things that a lot of people have experienced. It can be so hard being trans, and can many times feel hopeless. Being misgendered/mispercieved can feel soul crushing. I’ve only recently been able to start feeling truly secure. Loving yourself as a trans person can be so challenging, and I’m really sorry you’re struggling. But I will say, it does get better. Bit by bit. As time goes on, you learn that you’re worthy of love and validation, and that you deserve to be seen and respected as the gender you are, instead of the one that society has placed onto you. I’d definitely recommend seeing a therapist that specializes in gender stuff, if you have the resources/money too. It can be so hard to unpack all of this on your own. Much love 💕
@@brynavery thank you very much for replying with such nice words.♥ It really does make me feel a bit better.
And with the therapist thing, I've been trying to get one, but I've had some problems with it. But hopefully eventually.
I know I'll just have to be patient with this kind of thing.
@coalminez didn’t mean to dislike your comment at first, oops! I hope you’ll be able to get a therapist soon. Even just having someone listen can be a huge help. Something I’ve found helpful as well is having very supportive friends. I got lucky and have really accepting cis friends, and also have a trans partner who understands me. I’d definitely check to see if there’s any trans support groups in your area. Even if you don’t feel comfortable talking or anything, being around other trans/queer people can be so healing. Wishing you the best!! 💛
Thank you Bryn! This is a great video.
I recently read a Christian book purporting to examine what the bible has to say about trans people. It was pretty triggering to work through, but I think it was helpful for me in the ways you describe here.
Thanks for sharing!
Glad you enjoyed the video! And I’m glad the book was helpful for you 💛 what was the book if you don’t mind me asking? I may want to read it
@@brynavery It was Embodied by Preston Sprinkle.
@@harmony9341 thank you!
Thank you so much for this. Absolutely wonderful video.
Glad I can help 💛
Lovely earrings
Thank you!!
Thank you for sharing. This was really helpful.
I’m so glad to hear that 💛
We adapt to avoid rejection... sounds a bit like autistic masking... Im trying to untangle all this.
Yeah definitely. It can be a lot to work through. Much love 💛
Impressive job reading that triggering biography! You really should read the last third though, it redeems the first 2/3 of the book~~ haha jk. Of all the youtubera ive frequented over the last decade I would say I relate to your vids the most. I find that truth genuinely resides in that gray area and that no one can be 100% black/white/certain. My biggest trigger is actually that if I transition I will only be able to date men. Which I know doesnt make sense and I would try confronting that fact except for the fact that Im married and the fear of my wife finding out prevents that. I havent gotten any surgeries yet but Ive been heavily considering them this last year. Have you looked into a Brazilian butt lift or are you fine with surgeries for now? Thanks again for uploading
Lol honestly I probably would read the last third except I had to throw away almost all of my belongings due to my landlord letting mold grow in my apartment and the mold spores ruined everything 🙃 gotta love landlords. But yeah I’ve thought about buying the book and finishing it but I don’t want to give the author or publishing company any money.
We love a gray area! I never understood people who live and back and white. It feels super disingenuous.
That’s a totally understandable fear. I’m sorry you don’t feel like you’re able to confide in your wife. I know that can feel isolating. Wishing you the best 💛
As far as other surgeries-I don’t think I could get any sort of body sculpting (including a BBL) because I have trouble with gaining weight and I remember when Stef Sanjati (she used to be a really popular trans UA-camr) she had to put on like 60 pounds or something to have the surgery (they basically transferred fat from one area of her body to another?) if I was to get any more surgeries, the only ones I would want would be brow ridge reduction/smoothening (my side profile is a bit prominent) and forehead reduction/lowering & rounding out my hairline. Overall tho I feel “ok” with those things. They definitely cause some Dysphoria, but it’s not horrible. I’m not sure if I’d wanna go through facial surgery, I’d have to think more about it
I experienced a lot of shame for being trans mainly when I was young, but I no longer feel those shame and guilt feelings and I am 65 now ! Caitlyn Jenner's age when she transitioned. However, as a practising Christian, I believe in practising a certain bit of self denial from time to time. This is healthy in my mind. Because there's no point in being a total slave to our passions . Not TOTAL self control perhaps but just a little bit. Gay people are our brothers and sisters and it is our duty to love and accept them. I will pray for you that you get your faith back and not be despairing about your salvation. Plenty of transgenders and gay people will get in to Heaven I presume if God is a God of mercy. Jesus bless.
I’m glad you’ve been able to work through that shame, that can be such a difficult process. And I’m glad you’ve been able to find peace in your religion, I know that can be incredibly healing 💛
Quick question for you, did you feel different being trans Woman vs. Trans non-binary? Do you feel like Society accepted one more so than the other? Do you think non-binary people can be gendered correctly
So for me personally, I did feel a lot different as a trans woman vs non binary, but a lot of it came from the fact that when I was out as a trans woman, I felt the need to perform traditional femininity, which is not something that aligned with me very much at all. So me figuring out I was non binary was also me exploring androgyny. Had I felt secure and validated being a trans woman who was also androgynous, I may have had a much better experience with being out as a trans woman (honestly now that I’m comfortable in my body and presentation, there are ways that I do connect with womanhood, but it’s intertwined with my non binary-ness which is why I ultimately use the term non binary. I won’t get into all of that rn though lol.)
As far as society accepting me.. I’m not quite sure. When I was out as a trans woman I wasn’t on HRT (until the last few months until I realized I was non binary), so I’d get gendered as male a fair amount. But I’ve almost never had issues with friends or even coworkers accepting me and using my name & pronouns. In fact I got promoted at two different jobs as a trans person.
I think being a trans woman was something that people could grasp easier, where as being out as non binary usually comes with some more questions. But other than a portion of my family, most people have been pretty receptive. I think my experience is that people (for the most part) have genuinely wanted to be respectful and have accepted me to the extent that they know how. But I know that’s not the case for a lot of people, so I’m not sure what society in general is like, because I’ve happened to have fortunate experiences with society, and have lived in pretty gay & trans-friendly areas.
I do believe tho that we will eventually get to a place in society where non binary people are gendered correctly, yes. I’ve been in two jobs where in my interview they’ve asked for my pronouns. And where I work now (I work in the beauty industry), we have our pronouns and name tags at our stations. I have two friends who work for UPMC (a well known healthcare company in Pennsylvania) and they have their pronouns in their emails. In terms of instinctually gendering non binary people correctly (aka strangers referring to me as “they”) it definitely has happened, but I mostly get gendered as “she.” I got called he like a week ago but other than that I can’t remember the last time a stranger called me “he.”)
I know that not all areas & environments are as supportive as mine. And I know Republicans are going crazy trying to take away our rights. I know how scary it feels, and this isn’t to take away from that, but on the positive side of things, the reason conservatives are fighting us is *because* we have a voice, we have a face, we have stories being shared, we have a presence in society. Our community is thriving more than we ever have, and it feels threatening to them. That doesn’t take away the damage they’re causing but it does serve as a reminder that society is changing. And it’s going to be an uphill battle, but we will make it through, and society will shift (and already is shifting) to be more inclusive of different identities. I know it’s hard but we will get there 💛
@@brynavery I thought I was transman for a while, and I feel like I'm having a similar experience as you only coming from the other direction where I thought I was male but then realized that I didnt fit any social stereotypes either. I appreciate your perspective thanks :)
I’m glad my experience has been helpful for you, and I’m glad you’re able to figure out who you are and what makes you most comfortable 💛
I can't rule out that there is God. I get hung on that.
That’s ok. There’s really no way to prove that there is or isn’t a god, so it’s just about personal belief. There’s a book I’ve read (not the whole thing but partially) called “leaving the fold” (I can’t remember the authors name). From what I’ve read so far I’ve really liked it. It analyzes religion (mostly Christianity) and the kind of affects (both good and bad) that it can have on people. I really liked reading it because it took the personal bias out of it and kind of helped me to observe the effects without feeling so weighed down. I’d definitely recommend reading that if you’re struggling with internalized shame stemming from religion.
@@brynavery im a non confessional christian and im 110% sure that jesus still loves me like he always did, even if im bigender Adrogyne. he knew that before me and still loved me.
I hate people using religion to give their phobias valitity
god knows us best
@@Vinni-2K similarly, I was a biologist (working in research for a couple decades) and i really hate it when people try to use biology to justify their bigotry ... when in reality it doesn't (quite the opposite)
@@jimiwills truee
@@Vinni-2K I didn't grow up religious, and I'm still not but all I've heard about Jesus was that he's just a chill and loving guy and even I feel Jesus would have no quarrels with your gender or sexuality. I also think Christians who use their religion for hate are only Christian's in name only. Religion and gender/sexual diversity can coexist.