Why Do You Love Partners Who Hurt You
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- Опубліковано 14 жов 2024
- Narcissists love borderlines because they can mortify them, like their mothers did. Borderlines hurt narcissists because they love them.
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Artists are like this - narcissistic. They pursue pain so they can be inspired. They are so morbid and dead inside and mistake for "writer's block". They get mortified and write the next Great Gatsby via the borderline. She is his muse.
You see this in 'Malcolm & Marie' the movie. This toxic dynamic is dramatized in that film.
It's me.
I have written my best pieces after heartbreak only.
Later I realised that somehow I seek. The heartbreak 💔
I hate those people who hurt me!
I have loved two men like this. The only times I have been in love. I am still seeing the second one and cannot take it anymore.
Get out asap! There will never be a convenient time to leave.
Hugs to you. Write down all the abuse and read the list regularly.
Please understand that you do not deserve to be treated the way they treat you, no one does. The fact you’re with them contradicts this. Their behavior says everything about them and nothing about you, trust me.
Dig really, really deep and examine your childhood and how your parents/family treated you. It will be scary but by examining this pain you will find the truth you unknowingly deny: again, that it wasn’t your fault even if they convinced you it was. And that your life is important and meaningful without them. Ironically they act out of fear that they are meaningless and unimportant to you.
The process will be severely painful, no one can deny or minimize that. But I promise you, you won’t regret it. And as early as you can manage to do it the better. We’re rooting for you.
Yes u are
You were never in love with them. You are not in love. It's a shared psychosis. I suggest listening to many of Sam's videos for you to gain the knowledge
This video was exactly what I needed in my ruminations about what to do with the latest hoover. Thank you for helping me to strengthen my resolve. Having listened to so many of your vids for so long, now I see that smiling face, gazing at me from the top of a deep dark well you have thrown me a rope, inch by inch I'm grappling up. Its slippery but I'm gaining and see far more light at the top.
I cannot thank you enough for this one.
On the one hand you feel like you are tapdancing on quicksand, on the other you have the stale boredom off life. Without the borderline you never get that addictive high again and all life is grey and washed out.
For me, early on in the final breakup, this information felt like something that helped in a small way, survive each day. Almost 3 years later, it is infinitely clearer. Every detail large or small, completely in focus and much easier to digest after the tsunami has passed. Thankful for your help 🙏
You said CPTSD can be misdiagnosed as Borderline....i identify with CPTSD and have nad too many relationships with Narcissists.....live & learn.❤
Borderline are a cluster of symptoms from the cptsd - all personality disorders and styles and add/adhd are clusters of symptoms of underlying cptsd.
Never met a narcissist who took a 'gamble' towards therapeutic healing and the first steps towards healing!
Do they register this gamble at all? If so, do they register and/or feel anything when they give up on life, as you say, and go back to business as usual?
Thank you very much for all the information you share!
I think about you every day when I open my eyes .. yes you and your knowledge .Love your content. Thank you … I’m educated over two years of devoude listener.
Brilliant video as always. Thank you, Professor. Provide me with great insight.
This lecture was simply excellent!! Thank you, Sam! I've been following you since about 2010 and you've helped me A LOT
Repetition compulsion. This song sums it up very well.
She said I'll throw myself away
They're just photos after all
I can't make you hang around
I can't wash you off my skin
Outside the frame, is what we're leaving out
You won't remember anyway
I can go with the flow (oh, oh, oh, oh)
Don't say it doesn't matter, matter anymore
I can go with the flow (oh, oh, oh, oh)
Do you believe it in your head?
It's so safe to play along
Little soldiers in a row
Falling in and out of love
Something sweet to throw away
I want something good to die for
To make it beautiful to live
I want a new mistake, lose is more than hesitate
Do you believe it in your head?
I can go with the flow (oh, oh, oh, oh)
Don't say it doesn't matter, matter anymore
I can go with the flow (oh, oh, oh, oh)
Do you believe it in your head?
Do you believe it in your head?
Do you believe it in your head
Weve been taught that Love is a sacrifice, but we did not taught how to love to a narcissist. Its quite a different ball game.
@@riaandewinnaar5040😂 empathy for myself,and THAT WORKED.
I really liked the comment Sam had about how the narcissist's mother was the first to mortify. I had a long 10 year relationship with a narcissist and he would always put her on a pedestal and his mother never ever acknowledged me. It was as if I didnt exist at all. I ended up breaking up our engagement and 6 months later he proposed to a woman 20 years younger than him to piss me off because I left him and loved him. I did love him but exaxtly what Sam said, I felt it was the best thing to do as I didnt want to end up hating him but I did want to teach him a lesson that he would never ever have someone like me in his life constantly making him look good. Sadly he got divorced and died of cancer 10 years later. However he found a woman 30 years younger than him who he proposed to and she took care of him as he was dying. Its a rotten tragedy. He was a very talented and handsome NFL football player who had a very difficult upbringing and wanted everyone to know his pain. When his mother died it was awful and he no longer wanted to have sex with me. I became the mother!
Perhaps he had an unndiagnosed head injury having played NFL football
I love to listen to those videos. First thing is - they connect me to my dark and shadow self. Second of all - they connect me well to the narcissist I have to let go of 🌹
It seems like the evolutionary pressures women faced throughout human history could go a long way to explaining why there is an attraction to partners that hurt you. Women had to fall in love with warring tribesman who conquered and killed their male associates and family members time after time. Otherwise these women would not have surviving children. So this process being repeated so much throughout history eventually lead to women having a dramatically strange mechanism of attraction from the one we assume it to be.
This is the most bs comment I've read today 😂😂😂😂
The “patriarchy”has been an issue since time immemorial.
That’s a distraction from the fundamental issue and provides nothing anybody can do about it but complain.
They can’t win if you don’t play.
We’ve waged the war on ourselves. The battlefield is within our own homes and places we gain personal experience.
Remember who you are.
Then live your life like you were created that way., by design, and fulfill that role. Listen to and believe that. That’s 🔥. Nothing will stop that because it’s that simple. The force of nature. We were created by design to fulfill biologically driven roles. Creation recognizes the patterns and ways of its creator.
Other women will want to imitate that.
Believe all women?
We don’t even believe in ourselves.
Till your garden
Excellent point. In this digital age has its own quagmires. Each generation has elevated same old problems 😹
Thank you, prof. Vaknin, for yet another brilliant lecture. I watched most of your videos, - mortification included - but I would really appreciate if you'd be kind to answer or rather confirm - is it possible for someone to turn to NPD-like state after prolonged narcissistic abuse and mortify a narcissist as a result of it, or it HAS to be a clinical BPD in the first place? Thank you again for all you do.
Very grateful for Prof. Vaknin’s content.
This is both intriguing and confusing to me right now. I'm about to watch one of your videos on mortification from 3 years ago....to see if I can figure this out. I'm confused because I interpret the mortification process as "curing" the narcissist. That can't be right? I then understood that the narcissist will move to start a new shared fantasy. Will narcissist's typically move (home, job, friendship circle, city, etc.) so that he can start again? As a narcissist? Ugh.....I apologize.....can anyone comment on how I'm interpreting this? I would appreciate, but I will start watching the next video ✏📖 (or "dumb it down" to my level)? I am 99% certain I caused mortification (a few months ago, and discarded him). I felt bad, because I did love him, but after 7 years and 5 discards and hoovers on his part, I'd completely had enough. This video somehow makes me feel even WORSE for him (his childhood). I am assuming that mortification severs ties forever. (because he starts life anew....with a new mask on: making him unrecognizable/unknowable.
He will be back. One dance with him ended in mortification as well, lost his other major source, job and then his home and even his poor dog died. 3 years later he hoovered. luckily during that time, I watched so many of this brilliant Professors videos. I started watching to understand him, of course. Now I watch to understand ME. It changes everything. Blessings!
@@coletteelaine9584 thank you for your response. It's such a crazy concept for me to understand. Messes with my brain lol. If I were shamed by someone, I would NEVER think of reaching out again in my life. EVER! I fell for for the hoovers in the past, but I hope that I never see this "entity" again in my life. The last "cycle" was scary. Finally had the nerve to lay it all out with evidence (this time) because I lost all respect and wanted him to know that I knew everything, and that there was no hope. To think that he would actually have the audacity to reach out again? I can't believe that. But, this is a confusing disorder. Makes me feel unsafe....but I will protect myself if you are certain they will try again. Ick. (makes me want to move far away)
I was shocked after 3 years!
I swear I somehow summoned him! I was clear
Bing out my shed, was way past thinking of him all the time. And I found something that belonged to him. I thought I'd disposed of everything he didn't take. So I was triggered, multiple emotions came up. and within a week, he hoovered. I swear, they seem otherworldly. Vampire legend is based on them. In the 80s they were called emotional or psychic vampires.
Hang tuff on the no contact.
I think it’s time to give up on idea of love 💕
Love 💕 and romance 💘 are not real 😅
Disney princess lied to us 😅
@@Adeltraut-l8y sprinkle sprinkle
I’ll Watch tomorrow morning. Thanks Professor.
This volatile dynamic is reminding me of the Johnny Depp-Amanda Heard, case. It seems like one might have been a Narcissist, and the other a Borderline, but I'm not sure which was which.
Depp was the narc heard was the borderline
Thank you so much Dear Professor Sam Vaknin❤
In my situation with the malignant he would go back and forth between idealizing me and then the revenge tactic, eye for an eye. Is it possible for them to bounce back and forth between these types of behaviours during a narcissistic mortification. I left him like a ghost that’s why he went through this.
Thankyou so much Professor 🎉
Спасибо, профессор 🙏 Разложили все по полочкам 👍🤝
Morpheus told us in Matrix Part 1 : IT IS BECAUSE YOU ARE A SLAVE :( but in REALITY nobody is a slave
Thanks
U got it I'm a borderline and I'm married to a narcissistic guy with the child now he's ruining me he wants to fix these problems I see 0 fix sad SAM
Wow. Thank you
2024 say no to love 💕 😅
Sprinkle sprinkle
disconnect with feelings? isnt it a sign of pscychopat?
@@MPR2007 sprinkle sprinkle
Sheraseven is the way and the truth
I am done with love 💕
Love 💕 lives here no more 😘
😢😢😢
We’re done doing the most for the least
@@natatattful he’s a good man Savannah a good man
Interesting... The almost certainly narc in my life did hurt me once, but after her return she's kept at a safe distance (still enjoy the company sometimes) and her advances are simply rejected.
“She needs to free him, she needs to make him feel alive. She needs to allow him to move to the next shared fantasy.
She knows what she is doing, this act of selfless love( disguised as rage or hurt or abandonment anxiety)... she knows that she will never see him again. But she also knows that this, potentially, is the only gift she can give him."
After a long pain of 3 years, seeing him with probably the 20th woman with whom he tried to replace me, I came to this conclusion as well. Although I once hoped for the rewriting of our story, I understood that the only gift I can give him is to let him live his life cycle. He needs to feed on this repetitive shared fantasy, I don't know... This is his "happiness".
I feel hopeless and have given up any fight regarding this situation. Sometimes limping, sometimes crawling, life goes on. We have no choice...
Do shadow work for yourself, not against yourself
What if the narcissist is unable or incapable to reconvert or re-inflate her again after mortification? Would he then always and forever be stuck in the horrid/ deflated view of her?
Yes.
I love my Sam ❤
"It is much more complicated than the N is simply a jerk."
I'm not minimizing how they operate, or the damage they do or are capable of doing, but in general, the world is too quick to criticize, judge and label. It is not prepared to deal with cases such as these.
Would mortification lead to someone raping someone?
Personally, I feel like malignant narcissists can be date rapey. They don't have respect for boundaries and being told NO may very well frustrate and anger them. They have a wicked sense of self preservation that keeps them right up to the edge of legal boundaries.
Its wise to not to engage in online sex such as trading pics, talking dirty, sexy videos as the legal system in many places might see this as concent. Yes, technically its still rape, but much harder to prove.
whoops....CONSENT
Can narcissists be also BPD?
Yes. Search the comorbidities playlist on my main channel.
Why won’t she ever see him again? Don’t they ever stay together?
I haven't watched the vid yet so I'm just riffing off the title. What kind of thing do you get an initial rush off, go back to time and time again, while failing to get the same rush, eventually realise it's destroying you but you cant bear to give it up? - Heroin or my toxic relationship with the ex? I'm going to suggest that, at least in my situation it was addiction, not love. Luckily for me he died. (I didn't kill him)