A Narcissist's Provoke-Then-Accuse Game
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- Опубліковано 6 вер 2024
- Narcissists are too dishonest and emotionally fragile to take responsibility for their many problems, so in their defensiveness, they play psychological games. Dr. Les Carter discusses one of their favorite tactics, which is to deny their contributions, blaming and gaslighting you, hoping for a reaction that will then allow them to point the finger of accusation directly toward you.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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Its like being “slapped” 20 times and when you slap back, they say “What a slapper you are!!” It is crazy making. God help us all, especially the vulnerable and tired ones.
Thank ya,tbunnyshy, i agree, God help us all, please help the suffering folks, please help the troubled narcissist, so i can stop crying, dear Lord, it hurt me to turn into a drug addict demon, the troubled soul person, will take your well being, i seen it, not only me, the people on the stage with these troubled, little children, robot ,mindset
Amen
They can dish it out but can’t take it. Even delusional and deflecting they didn’t cause the reaction. They’re masters at “insult to injury”
A sharp word is like a slap in the face!
This is such a good analogy! 💯
Provoke, pushing til you fight back, then cry victim. Glad to be away from him.
Same
Yep, same here 🫶🏻
There ain’t one day that goes by, where I don’t see myself as being the lucky one, because the peace that my teenager daughter and I have now❤
Oh wow! Did you just bring back memories!!! God blessed me so much getting me away from that!!
I've been dealing with that in court for nearly 2 years now. He makes wild false accusations over tiny irrelevant things that have nothing to do with anything or are the complete reverse of reality. Then gets all upset when I call him out on having done those things to extreme levels that are well documented by third parties that he has no control over.
This is a summary of my childhood. The narc is my sister, and with these tactics she managed to destroy my relationship with my parents, as they believed every word she says, mostly lies about me. Character assassination.
They push and then call you the narc/abuser
They get a rush from controlling your emotional reactivity by literally abusing you until you crack/snap
It's disgusting
This is literally done to me daily and then they turn around and justify hitting me and touching me in way that make me uncomfortable
This is EXHAUSTING
Sometimes you can actually see their pupils dilate, like a predator about to pounce. It's as if they are possessed by a dark force....oh,.....wait a minute.....dang
I'm convinced she's the catalyst of the seizures I 've had in the past few years, not to mention one stroke and a couple of heart attacks in between.
@@Nugliscious I literally don’t have epilepsy but I have seizures too cuz of the abuse. I have flashbacks and shut down stuff where you fall asleep
Unwanted,inappropriate and abusive physical contact/ emotional dynamics .. flip the script verbally to suggest this abuse/ neglect is in line with reality😂
Narcissists also love to misinterpret things you say.
...all day long.
It's like a game: know the weakness, push the button, then react in horror.
Oh, and that horror expression, it's so theatrical, like they are really thrilled while trying to look aghast.
Or use tears.
The 'gotcha game' 😮
🎯🎯🎯
This response is for you, Aaron, and also for everyone who’s responded to your comment so far 🎯
Exactly. They provoke us. When we give a natural reactive response to crummy behavior, they pretend we are crummy people. They hurt us, we self protect/retaliate, then make us out to be the problem. Its like being slapped 20 times and when you slap back, they say “What a slapper you are!!” Crazy making. 😵💫
they try to cause a reaction, then erase the cause
Perfectly said.
🎯
The provoke “innocently” never happened.
These people are experts at the "Suddenly, for no reason at all..." line of excuse-making.
We call it they throw rock and hide their hand.
Very well said! I've been saying "ignore", but "erase" is more accurate. Thank you.
The reverse discard is the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced in my life. Being provoked and lied to and then using my reaction against me… inhuman. It’s so cruel and dehumanizing I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy
Thank you, for discribing exactly how it's going!!!!
Mine would tell me that I needed psychiatric help. After bludgeoning me verbally and me reacting.
I always got a kick out of that cause if you do follow their advice the therapist most likely is gonna tell you that your best bet is to leave them in the dust.
You are not alone. I'm praying for you. ❤
I relate and agree. Nor would I wish this upon anyone.
The worst part is, the moment you speak back, flying monkeys will join the Narcissist in framing you as the bad person.
Yes. I've had that happen too.
It's going to devour the world someday. The contagion outruns the cure.
that happened to me
It happened to me too. Omg
Yes I’m going through it now just had final
Discard turned like crazy and evil didn’t even know who I was with
It really is difficult to turn the other cheek and stay silent while our good name is being dragged through the mud.
Time is your friend. Let your actions speak louder than their words.
I agree. What I've learned is... Stay true to yourself and your authentic friends will still know the real you.. Eventually you'll become immune to the mud
Don't worry, everyone will eventually know the truth bc narcissism is finally being educated to the masses. Their game is over and finally being exposed. Thank god for the internet.
@@rmg2419 Iike your comment, tho I'm not as optimistic as you.
I fear the Internet and social media is a breeding ground for narcissists.
I'm in the UK and from my perspective, the entire current Conservative government is riddled with utter narcassists who treat "others" (ie non wealthy folk) with total contempt.
Same in many other countries.
I wish I shared your optimism!
All the best🙏🌞
@@aaronkwolfe Hi Aaron. It's nice to see you again. I've been a bit absent for a few months.
I wanted to spend time away from everything as a way of "proving I could" ie, enjoying my independence and living a happy life totally free from my destructive ex. All was well and a few things happened. I was due to spend February in Spain with friends. There was an accident where the wife of the couple was hit by a car and badly injured. She has now had her legs amputated. This is an adventurous couple with whom I have kayaked, climbed, cycled in all kinds of wild places. We jointly decided to postpone my trip.
On Feb 20 I had a heart attack, got sorted with a stent , came out of hospital a few days ago and I'm now supposed to rest and recover.
I watched and listened to you all a few times but haven't felt like joining in till now.
I see you are moving soon (2 weeks time?). . Good luck with that... I feel sure you'll make it a really positive new chapter.
I want to say thank you again to you Aaron.
Aside from the heart attack and my friend in hospital in Spain I feel totally different regarding being free from my narsasistic ex.
Friends and family have said how nice it is to see me so obviously free from the spell.
I'm saying thank you to you as you helped to kick-start this by welcoming me into TH. Many things contributed, and that was a biggie.
I feel different. Learning, listening and ACTING on all the stuff here on TH has put me right on a nice healthy healing path.
The stupid heart attack was just a bump along the road.
So cheers Aaron. I will (as you said to me a while ago) try to help others as I have been helped.
All the best for the move. 🙏🌞🙏
NO CONTACT is the way I've tried to handle the narcissistic characters in my life. My life is so much more peaceful since I've made this decision.
So true,but when the court say another way couse of child then this is impossible
I learned to "enjoy the silence". I met new people who are so much nicer and better for me. She ghosted me and I let her lose me, best decision I could made, to stop chasing. I agree life is much more peaceful! 💕
@Carol Lee - yes, NO contact. It is not easy but it is the only way to keep what is left of your sanity!
I was grateful the narcissist (who was spreading lies about me and trying to isolate me from family and friends) eventually went no contact with me. I was so confused and hurt and I guess didn't react the way she wanted, so she got bored and left.
I was lucky.
No contact is ideal. All it takes is his name on caller ID and Im done for the afternoon. That is why lessons like this are vital for those of us who have to have contact.
If you want to see the true heart of a person, give them power.
They love to do the whole “dog whistle” provoking. It’s the kind of provoking that no one recognizes except the narcissist and you. It’s manipulative.
To feel like it's not just me, I'm not alone. It's like a breath of fresh air. On the other hand, I'm sorry so many of us are suffering. Thank you Dr. C.
Your comment is how I feel. I truly felt so alone. Yaaaaaaa for this education ♡♡♡
same here. I have been mightily relieved to hear others stories. Some are, unbelievably to me, even WORSE than my own and I already thought I had it bad with both parents and both siblings being narcs. The brother is malignant and both he and my father have/had sadistic traits. Father passed now and I had to go NO CONtact with the three others. It's just a circus and torture all the time with them. Don't want to ever see them again. All these poor people on this channel who are hit the same way with these narcs. Its insane!!!!
It is nice to know you’re not alone stay strong be good to yourself you’re so worth it just writing this makes me cry but doesn’t break me like it use too much love and understanding 🥺💜💜😘
Your not alone we’re all in this together stay strong 💜💜💕
You are not alone.
The even sinister part is after they provoke-then-accuse their victim, they say, "I love you."
That is exactly what my ex-husband did to me.
My mom....
“You’re a good son”……… 🤢
My daughter raged at me on the phone saying how hateful I am and many other hurtful things and when I responded with silence and I’m going to hang up-then came the “okay, we’ll, I love you.”😮
@@beaglerescue5281maybe she's just coping you
This tactic being used on me is how I fell into the narcissistic abuse rabbit hole.
Mine was my sibling & parents😵💫😐💀It took me a long time to catch on and escape my parents…
@Rhiannon, dear fellow casualty. . . You are not alone.
It's a learning curve. We are not like them and will stumble a bit until we find our feet.
😂😂😂😂😂🤛🏽🤛🏽🤛🏽♌️♌️🏃♀️💥devil for real
Ugh the bait and switch game….provoke, get reaction, sit and watch the fireworks in silence. 🍿
Had a boss that did this. The smile on her face when I finally "snapped" was unbelievable. She ended up sabotaging herself with various toxic behaviors, and was eventually fired. The workplace has been harmonious and happy ever since.
that smile..makes the blood run cold, doesn't it?...ye....gads.
yep here too. My boss used to say in my appraisals: you have issues with anger. hahah yes because you are a manipulative narc (is what I thought). he was the slimiest, manipulative piece of excrement you could ever encounter. I resigned in the end because he managed to manipulate the whole department around him and get support from other narcs who hung out together. I didn't stand a chance. Told them all via someone else that I was headhunted for my next job. Riled them for years
My boss did that same sinister smile to me 😤
Had a colleague that did this. She was promoted for this. Mgt said she of higher standard.
My wife did this to me for an entire week on vacation. The only reason I survived was not taking the bait. But the damage is done. The things she said to me were things I never thought I would here from her. The level of emotional neglect is something I never expected from her. A year ago I started confronting her with her behavior. This was before I realized what she was. It’s sad because there is no cure. It was here before me and it will be here when I am gone.
I wonder if the damaging remarks ever echo in the narc's mind?
after poking and prodding and I finally raise my voice, she would say "so where's the calm and composed person now, huh?" those were really sickening times, not just during the event but after when I had to think about how "badly" i reacted. knowledge about these types of people really shines the light on their sickening abuses.
thanks, Dr. Carter
That's their game! Ugh.
yep exact words heard those before. it took me a few seconds to notice what was going on, that I was getting upset, and then threw the narc out, never spoken to her since.
I totally relate!! Same reaction I suffered so many times!
Neglectful behaviour, silent treatment as well as passive agressive tactics and when you call them out and react, you are the one who is invalidating them and pressuring to much.
Boy, I am so happy I found this channel and gotten a better understanding of these type of people. This game recently happened to me during a Breakup, and I've been left feeling confused and shocked. Time has passed and it all makes since now.
So pleased! Keep learning, Shawny.
Agreed Shawny. My mother passed away 10 years ago and it’s all making complete sense. This is a wonderful Chanel ❤️
I have sooo much trouble staying in my boundaries! He gets me every time
Don't look back, except to rejoice that you recognized it early.
I had no name for it, but just knew my relationship was not normal. These vids turning up in my recommendations have been a godsend. Now I even have a name for the arsenal of women friends he has who all back him up; flying monkeys.
Their response is always some form of character assassination no matter the real or imagined slight.
Yes, always.
And they have nothing good in their character at all. But they can sure tell the other person what's wrong with them. Dumb clucks.
Last night mine said to me that I looked sad. I responded that I wasn't feeling sad at all. He went silent. Then I asked why do you think I look sad? and he said why are you still talking about it if you're not sad? then he smiled. This is another example of how they provoke you and then laugh when you fall for it.
Your comment tells a whole story. Well said
I think many here will understand what you said completely.
It's so crazy. It must give them some kind of supply, yet they can never get enough, and they keep going.
All the best 🙏🌞
Holy Christ. What a classic. Deciding how you feel FOR you, then smirking as if you got it wrong
So miserable in himself that the only way to level the (pain) playing field is taking you down The frustration is real and the person you speak of wants to deny you.
I left my husband in early December. These videos are such a lifeline for me. I truly appreciate the wisdom, compassion, and expertise in your messages, Dr. C. I love you and Dr. Ramani for giving so much of yourselves to help us heal. God bless you!
So proud and happy for your freedom sis!!! Way to go. Wish my mom had done the same but she stays and allows the narc to ruin all of us:(
@@marciestoddard730 thank you. I believe that anyone can heal from past abuse. Nobody is ruined beyond repair.
This has worked well for me- when a narc tries to provoke a negative response for others to see, turn it around by saying, "Don't be creepy.", And walk away smiling. I learned this by watching Sofia Vergara deflect insinuating questions. I even used her accent. Witnesses laugh involuntarily, burning the narc's biscuits. Great tactic for work situation. If you need emotional validation, you're sunk. Stand tall alone, outwork others, face life's truths, spit in the face of opprobrium.
Stylish!
Lol
That's a good one! Adding it to my anti-narc defense arsenal.
Sophia Vergara... Now that's one good example of a real-life bombshell! 😮
@@josiah5776 Same
“The best revenge is not to be like that.” Marcus Aurelius
This exact scenario happened to me right before your video posted. The narc provoked me to finally act out and I threw a whole bag of beans all over the floor. Then he went and called his brother and told him I was crazy and tearing up the whole house! It all backfired and somehow his brother ended up telling him off and taking my side. I think it was an attempt at a smear campaign. Thank God his family was already well aware of his games 😊❤️🙏
I totally understand your comment and your situation. They do 100 crazy things with no responsibility or accountability and the moment we "react", even just once, they hurl the kitchen sink of accusations that we are crazy!!!
I had this for 5 years. I was just baffled and confused.
My ex could drink with my single guy neighbour till 4am, while I'm home in bed, yet if any any female neighbour said good morning to me in total innocence in full view of others at 9am, I got raged at and insane accusations.
I hope your comment means you recognise these crazy red flags and maybe won't have to put up with this much longer.
All the best 🙏🌞
Throwing a bag of beans on the floor sounds therapeutic to me! So much better than throwing it at them!
Get out and stay out!! They get worse, by experience. Horrible people. Goso
I had to tell family members that I trust they know me well enough to know when I’m being lied about, so now I don’t have to go run damage control with them, anymore. It lifted a huge weight off of my bullied conscience.
@@cynthiafortier2540I agree, GET OUT, it's a ghost train 👻
They play bully, hero or victim.
Never villain
I love your comment. Tells a massive story in just a few words.
All the best 🙏🌞
Could we call it the "you are a bad person" signal that the narcissist constantly sends out? It's a sawtooth wave, and the spikes are the most hurtful moments, but the victim rarely sees the spike coming because the signal slowly increases over time and immediately drops to zero after a spike. A saw can make even the biggest tree fall at some point. This channel helps me to learn how to block this malicious signal - completely. Thank you Dr. C.
Yes, you make sense, Mehmet.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you so much. I'm always amazed how accurately you describe in your videos what so many of us experience on a daily basis. To cite a helpful book "It's like there is workbook for narcissists" 😅
If he can’t get at me then he judges my dogs “they’re bad, really bad.” Pitiful.
You being a bad person validated they are the good person that's why the accuse.
You sound as though you are deep into electronics, I can imagine that kind of wave with
power could really mess up some electronics just as bad as a horrible attitude towards
others would.
They cut you off at the knees, then laugh at the way you walk.
My cousin is like this. Everything is always everyone else's fault and she is always the victim. She provokes and accuses people of false things and wonders why so many people don't like her. She calls everyone a narcissist and then complains about not having any friends. I have no idea why her husband married her.
i would be willing to bet he's wondering the same thing.
I totally agree. I’m sure he knows by now.
They know how to play the love game. They are so fake. They play the best act of their life, untill they hook, line & sink you. Then the real them comes out. I know a Narcissist who can't keep spouses or friends. The thing is the Narcissist can't see why everyone is leaving them. They always blame everyone else.
your channel is a gift, thank-you
You're welcome.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Hey, I have a fun idea you might like... I tried using CHATGPT to find answers for narcissist behavior and it gives insights that is useful. Of course not to the level you do, but it is personalised:
e.g.
Q: Why would a narcissist knock hard on a door?
A: It's difficult to say for certain why a narcissist might knock hard on a door, as everyone's motivations and behaviors can vary. However, there are a few possible explanations.
One possibility is that the narcissist is trying to assert their dominance or power over the person who lives behind the door. Knocking loudly could be seen as a way of demanding attention and showing that they are in control of the situation.
Another possibility is that the narcissist is trying to intimidate or provoke the person who lives behind the door. This could be part of a larger pattern of bullying or harassment, where the narcissist seeks to make others feel uncomfortable or fearful.
It's also worth noting that a loud knock could simply be a habit or a reflection of the narcissist's personality. Narcissists often seek attention and validation, and may engage in attention-grabbing behaviors as a way of satisfying their need for admiration.
Ultimately, it's important to remember that narcissists can be unpredictable and difficult to understand. If you are concerned about a narcissist's behavior or feel uncomfortable around them, it may be best to seek guidance from a professional, such as a therapist or counselor, who can help you navigate the situation.
Regenerate response
It really is!! I am grateful for this channel everyday of my healing process!
Yep I live with THIS EVERY SINGLE DAY, walking on eggshell ALL the time, it's ALWAYS me. I don't have ANY conversations at all with my spouse anymore, just a yep, sure, fine and of course NO which really starts a fight..but I just walk away and stay out of the same room...there's just me, my Art, my gym, my gardening, camping and dog sitting which keeps me busy Just so I don't have to engage in ANY conversation with my spouse and NO eye contact!!! It sure is LIFE/Soul Draining when you HATE living with a person like this.
I'm in that boat now, but getting out soon.
I'm being forced into the same way of life because nearly every conversation ends badly. The control issues and lack of empathy make narcissists impossible to get along with.
@@ohpohp481 This is me too. Nearly every conversation gets twisted and ends up to be gut wrenching for me. I try to avoid talking to him, but that makes him mad too. I can say something clearly and plainly, then he repeats it back to me in an "altered state". God only knows what goes on in their heads.
I had a coworker who kept spreading ridiculous lies about me at work. I finally went from ignoring it to dropping some ugly truth about her so she ran to the boss and reported me. Yes I had gotten, ‘talked too’ and ‘yes’, it was worth it! She shut her pie hole after that😂
Well done. Don't accept bei g mis treated. You did the right thing.
All the best🙏🌞
What a c nt!!! 😐😫💀
This describes my ex Husband .
Sarcastic, Compulsive liar, Needs praising all the time , Lacks empathy, Belittles people behind their back, Needs control
Needs to feel superior
Sick sadistic individuals
This particular hamster wheel is agonizing. Have learned to jump off it without crashing and burning. Thank you Dr. C.
I make it a point to revisit your videos regularly.
I'm married to a textbook narcissist.
Your videos have helped me beyond belief. Years trying to understand the craziness I've lived with and tried so hard to understand and work towards a compromising relationship.
Now I squirrel away every penny, saving them up so I can afford to run away.
My only regret is finding your videos 20 years too late.
Micheal Dee , good luck trying to save a penny to run away ! If they think you might have a way to save a penny to leave they will intentionally poke a hole in the tire or radiator ,
Take parts off the washer , run the heater full blast to run up the bill , accidently break your glasses , phone , They will intentionally become unemployed ! You better off finding a shelter and file for a devorce if married before you leave for demestic abuse ! Do not speak to them at all let the lawyer or court do it ,and take pictures of everything in the home and shed and carport , They will lie on you ! If you want to keep anything loan it to a family member to hold on to , and yes they will say you stold the light bulbs when you left them with nothing ,because they will sell it ,hide it just to say you took it , Be prepared for the worst and hope for the best , Best would be if you could move out of state for a bit , sorry but this is all true ! Talking to an online counselor might could help you find a way out faster , wishing you the best
I'd be careful about sharing that kind of thing online. Sometimes these people hire private detectives or snoop on internet activity themselves. Do you use your browser's "incognito" window, at least?
Calling her out was futile. Attempting to reason with her was frustrating, by the time I gave up, my head was spinning!!
This is my NP's favorite narc game to play. It took a while to catch on, but it became obvious that it's on purpose. There's only so many times you can talk, set boundaries, remind them, try to compromise, & talk again before you realize that they obviously know what they're doing. They WANT you to be upset and will use the language, behaviors, and actions that they KNOW upset you. I've seen the smile & gleam in her eyes when I'd become upset too many times, she's even laughed, and it was clear that she enjoyed causing me distress. She'll deny it of course, and act like I'm saying a vicious false statement to be cruel to her, adding it to her imaginary list of things that make me bad/ wrong. She doesn't smile or laugh at any other inappropriate times or situations, so I do think it's a "duper's delight" smirk. It's so sick, especially when she knows that I struggle with my mental health.
I forget where I saw it mentioned, but narcs often go through a cycle of Bully, Savior, Victim. I watched my NP cycle through all 3 in less than 10 minutes one day! I think that fits into this topic because they're being a bully by provoking/ baiting you, then they may play savior in different ways, even by feigning concern "Are you ok? I'm worried about you, I think you need help", or they may skip over the savior step. Then when you react, they play the victim. If you call them out, they'll go right back to bully before you know it. I don't know how anyone who purposefully upsets people, then takes joy in it, could be anything other than evil.
You're right about the evilness. My eldest sister is a pathological narcissist. As my brother says, "She's not conceited, she's convinced." She's like an emotional tick who delights in sucking the happiness and goodness from life. The smirk on her face whenever I mention God is disgusting. I don't preach, but simply to mention God angers her and she'll try to twist anything that I say into using it against me. When I simply state the truth about something, she says I'm being mean. I tell her that I'm simply stating facts, and she goes into victim mode about how the facts hurt her feelings. She's a real drama queen who feeds off of the misfortune of others. I now have standard responses to anything that she says; yes, no, I don't know, that's nice, and whatever. I simply walk away sometimes and then she calls friends and family and tells them that I ignore her. But the only opinion that I really care about is God's. She hasn't quit trying to bait me into her madness, though. So I try to avoid her as much as humanly possible. Hope everything works out for you. Don't get even. Get God.
Then after they push all of the right buttons (wrong ones) to elicit a response and you call their behavior out; something like, why would you say that, why would you do that, your actions and/or words really hurt me.
Then they fire back with "well if I'm such a horrible person, etc. etc." and for a fleeting moment, just a second or two, your mind says, wow, they just don't seem to care. How can I get across to them that they are hurting me, how can I get them to stop, do they even care?
From someone who is going through very similar things, I feel for you and hope things get better.
YESSSS you are sooooo on point with this
It’s a relief to know that this just wasn’t me
This is the hardest narc game for me to get past. He does the “modified” silent treatment. Enough small talk to deny the hostility behind his actions of cold shoulder, withholding, ignoring, pretending not to hear, no texts, no calls, etc. When I set the boundary of getting away from his presence and punishing behavior he starts off re-communication with, “Are you alright? You seem like something is bothering you the last few days.” Total lies to drive me to insanity! How do I set an effective boundary without giving him ammo to gun me down????Plz help Dr C.
100% been there done that. I have no doubt DrC will give you great direction. What I’ve learned from listening to DrC as well as many other greats is if you can’t go completely no contact, you go as much no contact as possible. YOU get to decide what that looks like. Also- your boundaries don’t have to come with caution signs. You don’t have to share what your boundaries are. You are the one in control of your boundaries, even the ones you keep to yourself and the ones you regulate yourself. Sometimes crossing boundaries has consequences YOU get to either experience because of their attempts to muddy your boundaries OR they get to experience because those consequences were set in place by the benefits of your boundaries being well established.
I personally hated the stupidA game of… “silent treatment beg me to tell you what’s wrong so I can claim nothing is wrong while covertly making you think I’m upset with you until you feel terrible about not knowing what the hell you did to upset me and you feel confused because even tho I say nothing is wrong my body language tells you loud and clear something is clearly wrong until YOU then become somewhat stressed and hopefully depressed so that I can swoop in and play the hero and save your day by asking YOU what’s wrong and did I innocently do something to upset you… all so I can keep you down and in a codependent state of being where I am the one constantly controlling you as well as all the shots.”
I stopped playing that game. We separated so now I don’t have to be around him when something is clearly upsetting him and he consistently claims there’s nothing upsetting him. Game changer. Best wishes as you grow and figure it all out! Keep listening to DrC. Keep learning. Apply what you learn. It actually works 💜
(edited for typos)
Dont ya know, if your narcissist is full blown, you or going to suffer period, your narcissist is not your blood kin, you better watch your back, if you were coldblooded, you could play pretend human, and hurt his heart, but or Doctor says, do not turn ugly, i did i turn against a human, it will bring you to their level , you stay normal, you keep your heart, or Doctor says, you or worth the greatest loving human for yourself, dont get off track
They do it to confuse, get you stressed, feel guilty & unstable. Don't let it defeat you. You are a better person.
OMG Same exact thing going on here! For first time in life, got introduced to this chaos toxic mess.
What has worked for me with my mother (covert, very manipulative controller) and brother (overt, outright verbal abuse) both bullies but very different tactics, is telling them once: I don't accept (describe the behavior in fewer than 10 words, e.g., harsh language/name-calling/condescension). When you do that, I will leave/end the conversation/go somewhere else."
The DO EXACTLY what you said you would, without fail, each time.
Narcissistic people are exhausting. I’m at my wits end with a family member. She is always stirring the pot and never takes responsibility for her actions plus she’s always entitled. It’s disgusting. I always need to take a step back and just don’t talk to her.
My God, how that reminds me of my mother!! She would push and push, provoke, insult, accuse, and when I'd respond (with anger and frustration), she'd say, "You see? You're ALWAYS the first one to raise your voice at me!" Oh, the innocent one. God, I have bad memories!
My mom is the same. I had to confront her with her behavior after she told her elderly mother she deserved to die for enjoying desserts after my Grandma's diagnosis of kidney failure.
My mom's response to me addressing her behavior, "Why is it YOU are the only one to ever call me a bully?!" My reply was made in the most bored voice I could make in the moment, "I'm the only one not afraid of you."
I'm thinking the lack of emotions was what made her realize I was done with her games. She started the silent treatment that day in 2005 and she's still waiting for me to apologize so I can be granted her forgiveness and can have the pleasure of her in my life🤣
Its all making sense now. My manager would go out of his way to try to embarrass me in front of customers. Even the customers would be confused because I would be doing my job. He would tell me to stop and do something else all while making smart comments.
My narcissistic ex-wife will start a fight with our son (a high school senior) while he is simply doing his homework. At first my son remains calm, but she persists in escalating her attack. Eventually my son gets upset and begins to challenge her attack. This just causes her to double down and go into a rage where she tells him what a terrible son he is. She has gone so far as to demand that he packs up his stuff and moves out (he is 17 years old). It’s crazy and heartbreaking... my son is the nicest kid you could ever hope to meet. He doesn’t deserve to be treated like that. My son offers an apology to bring some resolution. Receiving apologies is one form of narcissistic supply for her. Of course, my ex never apologizes to anybody for anything... even though she started the fight. Narcissists think that they are perfect and never take responsibility for the drama, trauma, and chaos that they bring into other people’s lives.
When he turns 18 maybe he can come live with you. He needs to get away from her or she will ruin his other adult relationships by her behavior.
Why does he not live with you then?
Not to take away from the evil behind this behaviour. But once you figure them out, their accusations become powerless. The more extreme and absurd, the less seriously one can take them.
There are times now, I can actually laugh at their behavior. It's hurtful, but ridiculous.
I was very pleased with myself with how I handled the last confrontational assault from my narc sister. I was so incredulous by her ferocity & her rage that somehow I was centered as I responded to her. I am happy to report that I am DONE with interacting with her.
As a person who isn't fond of children, it's very hard for me to deal with an adult who acts like a 5 year old! I'm surprised I have hair left 🤦♀️
My husband plays a game where he asks my opinion, and it’s wrong no matter what I say. I’m also wrong if I refuse to answer or don’t have an opinion. I call it “Damned if you do…”, and the game is over when I question why his opinion of my opinion matters. No winners, just game over. I enjoy peace
Narcissists never admit to understanding what narcissism and gaslighting are. They say something like "I've never been in the mental health community like you have so I never learned these words."
Imagine what they could learn!
It's best to never try to "enlighten" a narcissist. You'll just get it turned around on you, argued, etc. Grey rocking is the way to go if you can't limit contact.
Nothing angers my Narci husband more than when I say "Narcissist" ~ with or without the "you are a..." in front of it! Sets him OFF!
I found his Narc button - accidentally - was actually looking for his 'mute' button.
This has been happening and now I’m not only getting desensitized but I limit my time around both of these goons. 👍
For a long time I had imaginary arguments in my mind with the covert religious Narcissist I once had in my life. She hurled many false accusations at me and called me many names unjustifiably, and even after I kicked her out of my life, I still found myself telling her off in my mind, as her false accusations were so bizarre. Then I saw a video concerning "Why you should never confront the Narcissist." The creator of the video stated we should never confront the Narcissist because they love to GOAD you; they love to provoke you. That's when the light came on that not even SHE believes the weird accusations she hurled at me, but she loved to get a rise out of me, so I didn't need to convince her that she was wrong. She already KNEW she was wrong! Dr. C. did a video one time saying we should just say to the Narcissist, "Oh well," and just shrug off their accusations; that's the BEST revenge!
Exactly!!!
I had something similar happen to me with multiple people. What bothers me is I think of all these questions and all kinds of anger filled things which I wished I thought of when they gave me drama or they discarded me. These imaginary conversations sometimes make me depressed.
Absolutely... ANY attention is "good" attention to them even if it's truly negative attention. They get the juice either way, in fact they "get off" even more on the negative because they forced you out-of-pocket with their endless provocations.
It's demonic behavior.
@@Dj.D25 exactly! I would think of things I should have said or wished I said and it would naw at me. Sometimes I still had to get it off my chest so I would go back. Of course then I was accused of just wanting to argue. Then I would prepare for arguments because I knew they would come, they were so predictable. I still find myself preparing for things to say months after going no contact. It's so toxic.
I've been fighting this for nearly 2 years in court now. Everything he accuses me of ends up being proven that he did it and I did not. Yet it never stops. It just gets ever more ridiculous and childishly stupid.
I feel for you. Court proceedings are rarely happy occasions. Stick to your own true goodness and all your true friends will stick with you.
It came as something of a learning experience for me when I eventually split from a very toxic partner and found all my friends and families support was still there, even tho I'd spent years defending her behaviour and "not listening" to friends and fam.
The accusations used against you will eventually fade, and your goodness will remain permanent, so stay strong, and all the best 🙏🌞
@@sturobertson6791 Thanks. It just gets so fake and stupid at times it's exhausting.
It's obvious he's in do-or-die mode and it doesn't matter if he has to burn his own life down to take me out.
I just hope the court can see it for what it is.
@@thecustodian1023 I'm hoping this means you will be free of your tricky partner soon.
You sound like you are past the point of seeing things his way and are ready for a happier life.
It is so worth it. Being free will let you re discover your sanity, your goodness, your true friends and a whole new life. Or in my case, my old life, where I was able to do things and see friends and family without being interrogated and accused. Wishing you all the best Custodian. Stay good, true, honest and cherish your healthy relationships and you will survive and thrive! 🙏🌞
@@sturobertson6791 It's my dad actually. He's aging out and has nothing left in life to control so he's going after me for stupid things now.
The whole story is so petty and dumb it's wild.
As another person here says, your goodness eventually shows. They are known for what they are and so are you. People aren't stupid. They know. If they chose to be a flying monkey of theirs, their small opinion of you doesn't matter.
The poking example is LITERALLY what happened with my father. When I was a kid, even a small child of maybe 6 or 7 years, and I would happen to sit on the couch when my father came home, he would literally give me a push by my shoulder , over and over again, a grown man of 47 years, would repetitively push his little daughter by the shoulder for no reason, and when I finally snapped and started cryin for him to stop, he would beat me up for having been "cheeky"
It's all part of the crazy making roller coaster you are on when a Narcopath enters your life. Its like being stuck in some weird fun house (or more like mad house) maze that you can't navigate. You can't navigate it, because they are INSANE and you are NOT. Get off the RIDE!!! Exit stage left! Get these toxic freaks OUT OF YOUR LIFE!!!!
Well said. EXIT is the right word. For about 2 and half years friends would say to me "you need an exit strategy"
I didn't know how. Over 2 years listening here I finally did learn. And it's the right thing to exit. A healthy person deserves better, deserves DRC, exiting gives that chance.
All the best 🙏🌞
Amen!!
It happened numerous occasions. The narc in my life did this many times over. Provoke & then project it as if I am the abuser and they are the victims. That's exactly what "reactive abuse" Is all about.
My ex would rage in my face, and my instinct kicked in and 0:37 I pushed him. He then yelled abuse and even called the cops. They knew something was wrong with him. I left when I could get out.
I’ve been there. Mine grabbed me by my arms and was pushing me backwards and when I pushed him off me and told him not to put his hands on me, he called the cops and said I was attacking him! I still keep the picture of the bruises. 10 months no contact and divorced now.
Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry you had to experience that. Reactive abuse is their go to it seems. Hope you’re in a better place now. ❤
Truthfully, I feel Dr Carter has lived my experience with my narcissist wife. I just wish I had known what her personality disorder was so that I might have been more graceful during our marriage and known how to react appropriately to all her bizarre aggression, judging, mocking, conflict and random screaming, not listening and complete lack of empathy.
Amen, brother!
That's my father!✌
Those are called "red flags" and in the future we need to learn them. I lived this life. Thankfully, I am away. However. I had to ask the hard question, " why was I attracted to this personality?"
Don't be hard on yourself brother!!
There certainly are things we could have done better, but, nothing we would have changed would have made a difference. "They" love conflict, c regardless.
Let's not make the same mistake again!!!
God bless
limitless games of narcissist.
This proves once more that you can't win with a narcissist!
I really don't think you can. I can't. They will destroy you if you don't get away.
there is nothing to 'win/lose'. the narc do everything(including lies) to 'win', but what is there to 'win' about? 'oh, i won, so u must be under my control' ? what's the objective of the argument? if the objective is to live happily together, then both side should compromise to live peacefully together. narc never understand this, they thought by winning everything will go they way they wanted. very childish.
High( false) confidence with no competence.
This is my former father-in-law, who we kept in the family so he could see his grandkids. He sees himself as some sort of deeply spiritual and wise family religious leader. When I wouldn't do church the way he though I should (i.e. listen to and follow him) he began with guilting and shaming. I especially hate the religious narcissists, because they frame everything as you refusing to obey God, when it is really you refusing to obey them. They display unparalleled arrogance claiming to have the inside track with God.
When the shaming and guilting didn't work, he began triangulating with some mutual acquaintances to try to get around the boundary I had set. It backfired somewhat as one of my close friends informed me of what he was doing. He viciously slandered me on everything from my parenting to my relationships, then framed it as "being concerned about me" as the narcs will often do. That was enough for me to cut him off entirely. When I refused to respond anymore to his calls or texts, he sent me one of the nastiest texts I have ever received in all my life. It was crammed full of the most manipulative tactics I have ever seen in one writing: guilting, shaming, gaslighting, projecting, deflecting, misrepresenting, telling me I owed him, deliberate vagueness, implied superiority, dismissive minimizing, more triangulation, playing the victim, entitlement mentality and others I am sure I missed. If I had any doubts before, this confirmed that I was dealing with a narc. I did not respond and will not respond. He will just misrepresent what he did as "tough love" or some other nonsense, and then have me pinned down as "the problem." He's the 3rd narc in a little over a year (just lucky, I guess) and I have no desire to ride that carousel again. From my experience, there is no use talking to them at all after this point.
He is already misrepresenting me to mutual acquaintances as the "difficult" one, playing the victim that I am deliberately keeping his grandchildren from him, because I won't respond to his nasty text. Of course, he framed the text as "reaching out because he was concerned." As expected. Fortunately, I never introduced him to any of the people who really matter in my life, except for the one close friend who warned me, so he can slander away all he wants. He's actually doing me a favor by cutting his minions out of my life.
They are extremely disturbed individuals. Thank you for validating this type of abuse 🙏
It gets very exhausting 😮
My notes (not necessarily direct quotes):
5:10 Narcissists, when they play this 'provoke, then accuse' game, are hoping to find dominance over you. They are looking for anything about you that they can focus on that says that you are a troubled person. They desperately want you to become unruly in your reaction to them. They like it when you have dysregulated anger.
6:05 They also want you to feel very defensive. They like it when you seem guarded and careful in the way that you engage with them. "You certainly seem to have a lot of problems."
6:25 They want you to cease having your own separate preferences and viewpoints. If that isn't going to be the case, at the very least they want you to feel like you can't get through to them, so you just suppress. "That means, I'm a winner."
7:10 Narcissists are trapped by their own anger and defensiveness. They don't know what to do with their emotions. They have an ineptitude. "If I can make you look even more inept than me, then I can invalidate you."
8:30 They are highly codependent. They feed off of what other people think and how they respond.
9:15 Don't step into the competition. I'm not saying don't ever say anything, or don't stand up for yourself, but don't go too deep into it. Instead, individualize. If you see that you are a reasonable person, that is your foundation for calm firmness. If someone says, "I don't like the way you are handling things." and they try to provoke you, you can be, "No, I don't want to do that." When they are trying to poke you in the ribs with their stick, get away from that. Don't give them the reaction they want to get. Instead, have the least amount of interaction with them. Don't argue your case; just move forward being your own healthy person. Boundaries. Predictably, they are still going to try to provoke you and accuse you of being the difficult one. They want that bear trap moment where they can say, "Gotcha!"
11:10 To the narcissist, "You get to be as contrarian as you want to be and you can be angry and you can accuse me, because that's what you do. But I don't have to participate in that. I'm not impressed. I'm not going to play the role that you want me to play. I'm moving on to individuals who have a higher level of engagement than this playground bully mindset."
6:25 rang a bell in my head.
Good note taking!
So messed up with a major disconnect in their brains wiring system. Their interpretation is limited to the negative toward them all of the time! It sounds crazy, but it's like they are lacking any type of dial with various choices to choose from on responding during a n y conversation. They're stuck. It only points to themselves. And the only option is if it's what they want to hear. Bleep! Instant negative thought in their brain. Could this possibly be an actual physical deformity between the ear, connectors and brain? I've been observing over some time now, years, and some ailment, or lack of something distorting the connection to appropriate brain destination for deciphering an intelligent response. It's always been a psychological approach, being the nature of a narcissist. However, with the technological advances in medicine these days, perhaps it may be more than we realize. Do you know of any current studies on this subject of a physical connection? Thank you for your time and effort. Always useful information. 😉👍❤
Yeah agree some guy i lived with at a place with other young people. He framed me with something like vomiting outside on the doorstep that i didnt actually did
This is a summary of my childhood. The narc is my sister, and with these tactics she managed to destroy my relationship with my parents, as they believed every word she says, mostly lies about me. Character assassination.
Describes my ex wife and her mother perfectly. Once they saw I was in good spirits, they would find something to bring my mood down, or the mother especially would pick at me constantly and when I answered her in kind, she would act like I was the villain. Glad to be away from those two losers now!
Not just provoke. Constant criticism can wear a person down. Not just from a friend or partner but from grown up offspring that live with you. I own this gaff. But don't always feel safe. Not physically but my mental health has suffered recently. Thanks to Team Healthy, Dr.C, Gus and my RL pals. I'm on the up. I appreciate you all ❣💛💐🕯
Amanda, may I say I understand your comment and that feeling. It's very hard to know how to react when it comes from someone so close to you, your very own children.
We haven't spoken in ages, but I reckon you have skills, knowledge and emotional resilience and maturity to know how to react.
I'd like to think long term your good example will rub off.
Remain true to your good self and your values. It's all one can do really.
All the best.
Lol. I used to say "from a healing heart" now I actually have to do some real cardiac rehab stuff.
Kind thoughts for you Amanda.
@@sturobertson6791 I wish I had the knowledge I have now years ago. Hindsight is a wonderful thing 👍
@@amandaliverpool3374 Yes. Well said and I think many here would feel the same way. I'm shocked at how "naiive" I was back in 2017 when the red flags started.
So much more difficult when it's your nearest and dearest. Maybe your good influence could at least stop them going far along that spectrum. What does Doc C say about dealing with your own children? My own son can be arrogant and bluntly hurtful at times. I dread to even consider the possibility of him having narsasistic traits. I sure would not know what to say to him, even with the knowledge I've gained here.
Just keep being good and true Amanda. Your knowledge may empower you to at least retain sanity and some inner peace, even if things are difficult with your boys.
Support and kindness to you Amanda. (non refundable and no returns expected) 🙏🌞
@@sturobertson6791 Thanks and sorry you haven't been well 🙂
@@amandaliverpool3374 Thanks Amanda. Bit of a shock. I'd taken the bike to The Excel in London the day before for a big bike show, and was texting friends saying how good I felt lol. Woke up on 20th Feb with a hippo on my chest. Had a balloon and stent procedure at Basildon hospital. Everyone's been great. I'm lucky and grateful.
Recovering now.
Every time I hear or see Liverpool on the telly I think of you! Still aot of games left.
Today I'm bi ge watching the rugby 6 nations. England about to kick off against Ireland
Hope you're ok🙏🌞
very unhinged people
The narc in my life has decided that anyone setting boundaries to them is a form of aggression and goes on social media to get validation for this idea. No matter how you respond to them, be it angry, be it calm and assertive, you are the agressor and they the victim.
Another fantastic and amazingly accurate explanation of a narcissist. They start a seemingly innocent conversation and the minute we reply they attack!!!
You rock Dr. Carter!!!
Thanks, Darla!
They like to jump in on a project or something and be present, but that’s all they do!! No contribution or problem solved. They just like to throw a wrench in to destroy whatever it is.
You couldn't have described my mother better than you do here. Greetings from team healthy in Germany Dr C 👍👍🙏💖
this is mind blowing sir. I was so so so rational and open, and I was labelled as crazy when I spoke up for a blatent 'stab me in the back' moment that undermined my humanity.... My life was taken away from me.... And people I have shared my story with, now hear me as being 'jaded' 'its all in your head' 'move on' 'you did it to yourself'... I was pushed into a corner with no way out... and accused of putting my self in that corner. I was manipulated and had a whole team I had around me for over 3 years, also manipulated to turn on me....
I emotionally spoke up and was told I 'had an episode and that was unacceptable and my career was stripped from me overnight.
If I said nothing, I'd be able to feed my family.. but I stuck up for myself and I my life is destroyed..
unreal and I'm having a panic attack in this moment, finally understanding what happend to me and puts their nightmarish 'long game to ruin others' lives,' mindset into perspective. I didn't jus 'not buy her a coffee one day. I was happy. i was comfortable in my own skin. she would mess and then, she would blame me. when i asked to discuss, she never talked to me again. and then her plan was in motion. omg.. bless you sir.
My mom to a T.....provoke till I say something she can fight against. So glad to away from all that drama
This explains why I have two fraudulent cases against me. Thank you.
I was born into this type of abuse. I have FINALLY learned and encourage you all NOT TO TAKE THE BAIT!! It takes a little practise, but damn it is worth seeing them back off, KNOWING they can't get a rise out of you, while they are scratching their heads wondering what is going on.. I currently live where I share a garden with another neighbour, which we BOTH should be responsible for the upkeep. He has not lifted a finger once since I have lived here. I do the mowing since our gardener was cancelled by the landlord. He purposely woke me up very early in the morning recently cursing and yelling, banging and shaking on the fence outside my bedroom window, for me to unlock the gate, not knowing the handle broke the night before and too early to contact rental agency. I calmly told him through my bedroom window, with one very calm "F" bomb (which would have shocked him as I am ever so polite normally) that it is NOT LOCKED.. He walks away having the cheek to tell me there is no need to swear. Making me look like the ahole, this being after months of him dumping items he no longer uses (rubbish) in the garden with grass and weeds growing all over a large amount of garden space. I slipped a very polite and warm letter under his door last December asking WHEN he will be removing the rubbish, which has been met with absolute silence. I even gave him my number, so he could text msg me, to make less awkward. HE IS TRYING to get a rise out of me after 2 years I have been living next door to him and treating him with nothing but kindness and respect.. He also slams his front door which is located right next to my bedroom window on the odd morning too. An UTTER CREEP.. I have had to refer to the rental agency adding he is behaviour has been quite intimidating. I am a little fearful, as he truly has become someone I never thought could act this way. Thanks Dr C and thanks to anyone for reading/listening. Has been weighing a bit heavily and I cannot deny feeling VERY triggered, although I WON'T show him that.
This video is a huge inspiration for acting and feeling calm. Not the intention - of the video - but what if the greatest revenge really is being calm, collected, happy, and healthy? And, for a bonus, being kind!. That's a strong place to come from.
Wow. You nailed it. Such a fantastic comment. And, if I may add... It's even better if you actually heal and grow enough to NOT CARE whether they know or not that you are happy, calm, free, etc.
The great feeling for me, at least, is re discovering myself, re finding the joy of being independent, making decisions, seeing friends... A thousand other things... knowing I won't face an interrogation or accusations and all the other crazy things.
Your comment really resonated with me. Thank you.
All the best 🙏🌞
@@sturobertson6791 Thank you!
They could literally partner with Milton-Bradley on this one. Of course, they'd always win~as is their objective.
Set Boundaries. GOD-BLESS
The morale of this very troubling story is the following: When you are on the wrong end of that relationship you need to accept that the "audience" of the narcissist will have to make its own assessment of the situation.
In other words, if the narcissist blames you in front of others don't try to justify yourself to them.
One needs to part ways even if one can't control what will be said of him in his absence by the narcissist who will stay in the group.
It's painful for sure, but it goes with the territory. :(
There is no good way, judging by my own experiences, to seek for the approbation of the witnesses of such vicious attacks.
But trust them to make their own opinion, particularly if you are very sensitive to being wrongly accused of something and react (rightly so) emotionally to a public attack.
One needs to accept that there is a price to pay when one decides, for example, to leave a group to avoid being confronted by the narcissist who stays in it for whatever reason.
Simply put, don't count too much on third parties when you are accused in public by a narcissist. It will, as outlined in this video, makes things worse.
I use the word instigator. Thats who they are. They instigate passive aggressively and try to pick a fight. They do this bc they want to fight usually bc they are not getting something that they want. So they have to manipulate, abuse, instigate, taunt, etc. like an ungrateful entitled little child. But narcissism is finally being educated to the masses. Their game is over and finally being exposed. Thank god for the internet and for your channel Dr. Carter. 💜
Exactly.. ❤
Provoking and then playing victim, like dealing with a toddler
I can't wait to watch this one... THIS IS EXACTLY what i deal with.
Sometimes I get ahead of anticipated narcissists by preemptively formulating rejections of certain behaviours, for example "I think it's wrong to be manipulative and it makes for a pitiable person". This flips the script when they're on the prowl and renders them susceptible to out themselves, instead of them setting you up for a blame-shift.
Exactly how he AND his counsel litigated and took the finances from me. Slander/discredit/cover up
I love the video. When my husband tries to get me to fight, I just don't acknowledge that he is angry, and he says you just don't care. I do care, but he is so far off base I just let him fight with himself. I feel bad for him, but I have no way to help him with his fight.
My narc mother is the queen of it! She did my brother's obituary who died in 2022 all by herself out of spite and provocation. Now, crying victim to everyone that I didn't want to be involved with process! I'm glad this past weekend we're finally separated forever and for right now no contact is better for us. But, she still tries to text me with frivolous reasons. 🙏🏽🙌🏽
Block her.
My ex reminded me of Beaver Cleaver. Remember how he would always say his mother was “hollering” at him, and you never heard her raise her voice? This was his act always. I would sit down and try to talk to him about something that was bothering me and he would tell me to stop yelling at him. 🤷♀️ The first few times I reacted badly with “I’m not yelling, THIS IS YELLING!” After a few times of that going nowhere I would try to calmly say “I’m not yelling.” It really made no difference. He would throw so much word salad and blame at me there were times it actually made me dizzy.
I've gotten this same response for 15 years. Don't YELL at me when I'm just trying to communicate something simple. Life is about communicating and the narc wants nothing about it. I've done the actual yelling loud and said that's yelling and he just shrugs like I'm the stupid person. I've had it.
Yeah it is a horrible experience. It leaves you feeling guilty, disheartened, dispirited, questioning yourself and more. The one thing I keep in mind is that THEY are the one with the problems and issues. Not yourself.
Something has changed. In the past I would've had to write two paragraphs here about how my brother blew up at me a month ago. Accused me of being the problem in the family then he told me to "have a nice life!".
I'm so over it. I just don't even feel the need to tell my side anymore.
I just kinda chuckled and said to myself and my therapist, "yes. I fully intend to pursue a nice life."❤
Progress!!!
After years of provocation I responded. My family stopped talking to me. How odd this was I simply said I was an adult and I'd not deal anymore with insults and I won't accept it after all this humiliation as a child. It was to a step parent it was a private message and yet my half siblings whom I never called half siblings but siblings prior to that never spoke to me. I was silenced for years thinking I had a family, went through a difficult childhood and got discarded.
Thank you, Dr. C. ♥️
Hi Gus. He's so cute. 😊
2 take aways:
I will hold my position.
I don't have to participate.
❤
Oddly - 2 adult sons- decided to pretend that I do not exist.
No conflict but demeaning, critical, condescending, arrogant and entitled.
These videos have really helped.
I can relate to this! My ex fiancé would throw a subtle jab my way, or he would criticize me, or insult me in some way. If I got angry or defended myself then he would turn it around on me and make it seem like I had a problem. It was always me that was starting arguments or it was always me that had an issue. He would also antagonize me which would make me more upset. Then he would point out my reaction and make it seem like I’m crazy.
It's good you didn't marry that person like the rest of us did lol. Many decades of suffering here on Dr. C's pages.
"I don't have to participate in that. I'm moving onto individuals who have a higher level of engagement than this childish, playground bully type of mindset. Thanks but no thanks. I have better things to do with the way I manage myself". Thank you Dr Carter.
I fought for 30+ years and the narc always made it sound like it's my fault, this is an area where she has excelled at. Lying too, through many years and $ spent at the therapist. She convinced her and my children it was my fault. I fought back and raged incessantly as boundries were severely crossed daily, a couple times physically. I was in an car accident that required multiple major surgeries. I eventually ended up disabled. Now, what I can say is that it added a whole new dimension to an already broken 30+ year marriage. One therapist ended our time together with "I don't know what to say, other than..... you married her". Ouch, I was blind, but now I see all the little things added up to me realizing I was manipulated far beyond what I should have allowed.
Thank you so much for this video, some days I just sit a stare out and wonder " What did I do to be abused my whole life. I just wanted a person to love and respect me for who I am.
And now at 70 yrs old where do I go from here, and how to survive this long long unhappy life. Move out? Easier said then done when your 70 yrs old.
Just remember that God is always with you. It may seem very unfair, but He really tests the best people. This life is unpredictably short. Heaven and hell are forever. Many blessings to you.
Yes...yes...yes...Im 65ish and this happens to me all the time....i just scratch my head and am dumbfounded when this happens at least once a week....
I confront and try to talk it out and they just explode once again...
Yep...scoreboarding..
gaslighting is them...then I get the blame....
Yep you hit the nail on the head....
🤮🤪😱👹😞😩
I got caught in this dynamic several times towards the end. Looking back, I see how he relished my frustrated outbursts. He would provoke me all day long. All day. By evening after all that, I would be snappy and irritable. Most nights were spent angry at him.