I’m going through a DVRO hearing that’s been lasting for almost a year (TRO in place, mom has supervised visits and phone calls on court app). Minors counsel was appointed about two hearings ago, just had a hearing where she didn’t show, only interviewed our son for 20 minutes, but mom was trying to get unsupervised visits because it’s been so long despite missing 75% of supervised visits in last 4 months, missed phone calls, hoping overwhelming evidence that shows she not only harassed me, but my focus is on my son and she would abuse him with any type of shoe she could get, slap him in the face, tell him I’m not his real father, etc. (he’s now 8 years old btw - this all started around 3 years old getting worse as he got older). The abuse was mostly centered around our son having accidents during the day (peeing/pooping pants). She even put in her declaration “1. He’s not the real father so he shouldn’t have custody. 2. Discipline is the only thing that works to get him to stop peeing/pooping (3-7 years old). During the last “hearing” because the minors counsel was in another case so we sat around until just before lunch, so did all this trying to get unsupervised visits while we were in the hallway and judge was in chambers and all of us on a conference call. My lawyer did most the talking, she’s self rep, but I finally stood up to minor counsel when she kept saying “my client wants to have unsupervised visits” because my son has repeatedly told me he doesn’t want to be alone with her. He’s ok when there are other people around, less happy on the phone, and wants her to get therapy like she is (I’m trying to get her to get therapy and anger management classes - she has not changed at all; multiple court app messages trying to abuse me). So, now minors counsel who definitely seems to have a bias against me, said she’ll go to the unsupervised visit and monitor and then interview him afterwards. The trauma my son dealt with has made him angry and he has been mimicking what his mom did to him on me because I’m the “dad you’re more patient and caring and don’t hit me and I’m angry at mom and I don’t know how to deal with it”. He’s been in therapy for the entire year, I was granted by the first judge to hire a child evaluation - which I did but the judge wants my son to testify. I’m at a loss that she got the unsupervised visit when we have not presented any evidence in the court setting at all and it seems they’re pushing to remove supervised visits altogether. I’m at a loss what I can do with this minors counsel and judge who wants our 8 year old (who has spectrum level 1 autism & adhd) to testify. My lawyer said they’ll probably give her unsupervised visits because it’s been almost a year now because of so many continuances that it has been a year. Any advice? Sorry for the long message. I don’t know how to provide context without putting details in, and I’m leaving a lot out his mom has done. Thank you if you have read this and any advice would be greatly appreciated
@ since the original TRO was granted about 10 months ago. Since then it’s been nothing but continuances, missed visits, missed calls, and pretty sure a bias from minors counsel and judge. We haven’t actually had a hearing where we presented our evidence or any testimonies and judge/minors counsel want to remove unsupervised visits with mom still the same person as she was 10 months ago.
I am just starting my process, having left everything everything behind to move my son and I to safety. I have very little proof as my son will mostly only talk to me about his abuse, and mine (while crushing) was "just" emotional, mental and financial abuse. My son absolutely mimics his father's behavior with me (the safe space). It's crushing being the one to try to save us and still being abused much the same way. When he's had exposure to his father through telephone or the very scant number of visits, he returns in this mindset and it takes weeks to recover to where we're building/using our new tools.
@ I’m so sorry to hear that. It’s so easy to say it, I’ve been told it so many times, but it’s not something easy to do, but try not to let it get to you. Build a wall around this part. Children, especially young ones, from my experience and what I’ve read, tend to mimic the abuser and go after the protectors. So many reasons why, and sadly, in my circumstances, the courts don’t see that. On my ex’s first court granted TalkingParents call months ago, she missed it. My son was left crying asking me “why doesn’t mommy love me?”. Over the months, when she does do calls, or exercised her supervised visits, he becomes her and she manipulates him. Will the court see it or just a slap on the wrist? In my experience was more of the latter while we had a “hallway hearing” to arrange a non-supervised visit. In 10 months, not 1 hearing where any evidence has been presented except to argue over the child evaluator and if she could testify instead of our minor child. Since this has been going on, he mimics her words and actions, to a T most times, when he gets triggered (I.e., hits me with a shoe for asking if he peed himself). Sometimes he stands up to her, but she is so good at shooting him down that he stumbles. With me, it’s easy to take his anger out on. I can definitely empathize with your situation. As many people say, even courts, document every encounter, try to get court ordered parenting apps like TalkingParents so that there is a record of every message and/or call that can be downloaded and presented as evidence. Not sure state/county you’re in, but there are a lot of child advocacy groups out there. They can do things like get your son help to even offer pro-bono attorneys (although the latter I have yet to find one - which if I ever hit the lottery or become wealthy, that is one or two charities I intend to create). Words are abuse. Financial control is abuse. Anything you can get. It’s sad that the courts want equal time with parents (in most cases) but they don’t look at the other parent and what kind of “parent” they are. I like to think these kids will one day grow up and see their parents for what they are. Her daughter began to (unfortunately she also became her and is mentally unstable) see her mom for what she was and would go months refusing to see her. My father, well he at least had the decency to abandon us, so I didn’t have day or weekly interactions. Sometimes yearly. It was easy to see who he was at a young age and i appreciate my mom more than ever right now because of what is going on with my son and the whole situation. Courts in my area tend to favor the mom. They don’t seem to believe abuse can be done by the mother. My lawyer even told me “she’d hit him ~10 times a week with a shoe at 5? We’re going to have to lower that number” sadly it was more. Sorry if I’m all over the place, I think I had a mental breakdown the other day over all this. But I will keep you in my thoughts and I truly believe your son will use those tools and eventually, stop reverting back to his indoctrinated mindset his father put in him. As hard as it is being on the receiving end, hang in there and just continue to love him and fight for him. If you ever need to talk about anything or need to unload all this mental baggage we build up over time, please feel free to reach out to me. Narcissists will never change, but you can grow your son into a kind loving person I’m sure he is, and break the circle of this abuse of parents, and you can change how you handle your ex and work with your son. He sees it now, I know it, and he will see it more as he grows up and becomes a man and realizes you were the protector and you were always there for him, no matter what would happen.
I never knew this or could. I was taken to court 1 year post pardum. He fought me since day 1 out of hospital 🏥 i put him on the BC stupid me. Once we got to court i was a mess and cried alot and was very emotional as i was untangling alot of abuse. The Judge sided with me. Its possible
And our child is now 4 and I feel it's never gonna end as we are in court every year to update the order. And I between that I'm being verbally abused via txt often.
Okay.I have a serious question here. Let's say the judge orders a specific amount of time over the holidays. But the other party wants to extend the time. Which is not simulated in the court order. Can I stand firm on the court order. Or am I going to be expected by the judge, possibly to bend the time? Because my ex is wanting, the more time. It's so hard to know because i've seen several judges and some are nice and some are not
My child loves their father.. ever person has good and bad in them... Father is not a drunk, or a junkie... Child Expresses that they want to see father more... I attempt to initiate more time to spend and am met with anger and refusal. As much as young child wants to see father more... Father recently told child "mommy is putting daddy in jail", "daddy pays mommy $30 a day, even when your with me", "don't kiss her you don't know where her mouth has been"... It goes on and on... So child want father more but doesn't understand how this is already negativity affecting our child, his esteem, his, security, and the longevity of the negative effect it can have on our child. I could write a book of all the horrible things father has said to me, and of what I know father has spoken to the child. I just want my child to be ok and to be as happy as he can be at such a tender age with the life he has been given...
I can empathize with a lot of that except our son loves his mom but does not want unsupervised visits because of the physical and emotional abuse he has gone through from about 3-7. He’s now 8. A year of continuances with a TRO in place. I can’t understand how some parents don’t want to see their child or just when it’s convenient. The day my older daughter was born my whole outlook on life changed. Now, being single father, sole care giver, she misses supervised visits for so many ridiculous excuses, if she even gives a reason. Misses calls for ridiculous excuses, if she gives one. It sucks that the courts see it as the child should see their parents as much as possible, despite what kind of parent they are. After the first call she was granted and missed, our son asked me “why doesn’t my mom love me?” While crying. It broke my heart. I’ve spent my entire savings just to have continuance after continuance. Just be there for your child, love them, care for them, listen to them, encourage conversations with you and therapist (if there is one) or even a friend (if older). Let them know there are people that love them. I had a dad like your child. At about 15 I realized my dad would never love me the way I hoped he would. But he also disappeared and I would hear from him several times a year (getting a birthday card on the wrong days - once it was the wrong month)
@saw727 I know your situation is difficult because Dad seems to do and say whatever he feels in the moment, even if it hurts his case. All you can do is keep being supportive of Dad and try to keep the child in therapy to help him deal with the negativity.
@ I actually have the restraining order for my son, me and our dog. It’s mom who is the restrained party, but that’s what I’m trying. It’s difficult because mom is extremely good at manipulating people and our son. Trying to get him a better therapist but sticking with the one I have for now until I can afford it or this other one will be approved by the insurance company. Our son is angry with mom and keeps getting angry because of how she treats and talks to him on TalkingParents, but he takes the abuse she dealt out on me because he fears her
You might want to consider whether your child's desire to see their father more is genuine or influenced by manipulative or abusive behaviors from the father. It's crucial to remember that children often internalize the messages they receive, and these can have lifelong impacts. For instance, a child who is frequently criticized may develop feelings of inadequacy. If you're concerned about your child's well-being, it's your responsibility to take action. BUT if u choose to act, focus on creating a safe and nurturing environment for your child, rather than placing blame on the father. Your primary goal should be to work together to provide what's best for your child, very important. Ultimately, if the father is unwilling to cooperate, that is his choice. Also i encourage you to write that book talking about. Just be sure to keep detailed records of dates and events.
@@richarddobos264 thank you very much! I am trying my best. I Love our son and I want him to be the happiest that a young boy can be in the situation he is in the midst of. It doesn't have to be this way. I will support all the good
Hi my sons wife left last June 2024. She’s withholding a court ordered visitation. He is documenting the missed visitation days. She stopped the 4 pm phone calls as well. Clearly it’s not about the children it’s about making our son suffer. She hates our family and talks frequently about all of us in the community. They were together for 8 years and married 1. This is surely narsasistic behavior. The child custody case is in March. Could he win primary custody?
Sometimes, it is to get a better attorney. I found out my attorney wasn't doing much. Filed no motion to get my visitstion started. 4 months no visitation ..yes hot another attorney who daid I should have everything filed on me to know what is being done against me
Tammy, I appreciate your no b.s presentation of the emotional and logistical challenges parents face in child custody. You do not sugar coat those challenges, and you still approach them with empathy and a sense of humor. Thank you ❤
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I’m going through a DVRO hearing that’s been lasting for almost a year (TRO in place, mom has supervised visits and phone calls on court app). Minors counsel was appointed about two hearings ago, just had a hearing where she didn’t show, only interviewed our son for 20 minutes, but mom was trying to get unsupervised visits because it’s been so long despite missing 75% of supervised visits in last 4 months, missed phone calls, hoping overwhelming evidence that shows she not only harassed me, but my focus is on my son and she would abuse him with any type of shoe she could get, slap him in the face, tell him I’m not his real father, etc. (he’s now 8 years old btw - this all started around 3 years old getting worse as he got older). The abuse was mostly centered around our son having accidents during the day (peeing/pooping pants). She even put in her declaration “1. He’s not the real father so he shouldn’t have custody. 2. Discipline is the only thing that works to get him to stop peeing/pooping (3-7 years old). During the last “hearing” because the minors counsel was in another case so we sat around until just before lunch, so did all this trying to get unsupervised visits while we were in the hallway and judge was in chambers and all of us on a conference call. My lawyer did most the talking, she’s self rep, but I finally stood up to minor counsel when she kept saying “my client wants to have unsupervised visits” because my son has repeatedly told me he doesn’t want to be alone with her. He’s ok when there are other people around, less happy on the phone, and wants her to get therapy like she is (I’m trying to get her to get therapy and anger management classes - she has not changed at all; multiple court app messages trying to abuse me). So, now minors counsel who definitely seems to have a bias against me, said she’ll go to the unsupervised visit and monitor and then interview him afterwards. The trauma my son dealt with has made him angry and he has been mimicking what his mom did to him on me because I’m the “dad you’re more patient and caring and don’t hit me and I’m angry at mom and I don’t know how to deal with it”. He’s been in therapy for the entire year, I was granted by the first judge to hire a child evaluation - which I did but the judge wants my son to testify. I’m at a loss that she got the unsupervised visit when we have not presented any evidence in the court setting at all and it seems they’re pushing to remove supervised visits altogether. I’m at a loss what I can do with this minors counsel and judge who wants our 8 year old (who has spectrum level 1 autism & adhd) to testify. My lawyer said they’ll probably give her unsupervised visits because it’s been almost a year now because of so many continuances that it has been a year. Any advice? Sorry for the long message. I don’t know how to provide context without putting details in, and I’m leaving a lot out his mom has done. Thank you if you have read this and any advice would be greatly appreciated
@Takeshi_2088 How long has Mom been on supervised visits? Does she miss visits due to finances or just her instability?
@ since the original TRO was granted about 10 months ago. Since then it’s been nothing but continuances, missed visits, missed calls, and pretty sure a bias from minors counsel and judge. We haven’t actually had a hearing where we presented our evidence or any testimonies and judge/minors counsel want to remove unsupervised visits with mom still the same person as she was 10 months ago.
I am just starting my process, having left everything everything behind to move my son and I to safety. I have very little proof as my son will mostly only talk to me about his abuse, and mine (while crushing) was "just" emotional, mental and financial abuse. My son absolutely mimics his father's behavior with me (the safe space). It's crushing being the one to try to save us and still being abused much the same way. When he's had exposure to his father through telephone or the very scant number of visits, he returns in this mindset and it takes weeks to recover to where we're building/using our new tools.
@ I’m so sorry to hear that. It’s so easy to say it, I’ve been told it so many times, but it’s not something easy to do, but try not to let it get to you. Build a wall around this part. Children, especially young ones, from my experience and what I’ve read, tend to mimic the abuser and go after the protectors. So many reasons why, and sadly, in my circumstances, the courts don’t see that. On my ex’s first court granted TalkingParents call months ago, she missed it. My son was left crying asking me “why doesn’t mommy love me?”. Over the months, when she does do calls, or exercised her supervised visits, he becomes her and she manipulates him. Will the court see it or just a slap on the wrist? In my experience was more of the latter while we had a “hallway hearing” to arrange a non-supervised visit. In 10 months, not 1 hearing where any evidence has been presented except to argue over the child evaluator and if she could testify instead of our minor child. Since this has been going on, he mimics her words and actions, to a T most times, when he gets triggered (I.e., hits me with a shoe for asking if he peed himself). Sometimes he stands up to her, but she is so good at shooting him down that he stumbles. With me, it’s easy to take his anger out on. I can definitely empathize with your situation. As many people say, even courts, document every encounter, try to get court ordered parenting apps like TalkingParents so that there is a record of every message and/or call that can be downloaded and presented as evidence. Not sure state/county you’re in, but there are a lot of child advocacy groups out there. They can do things like get your son help to even offer pro-bono attorneys (although the latter I have yet to find one - which if I ever hit the lottery or become wealthy, that is one or two charities I intend to create). Words are abuse. Financial control is abuse. Anything you can get. It’s sad that the courts want equal time with parents (in most cases) but they don’t look at the other parent and what kind of “parent” they are. I like to think these kids will one day grow up and see their parents for what they are. Her daughter began to (unfortunately she also became her and is mentally unstable) see her mom for what she was and would go months refusing to see her. My father, well he at least had the decency to abandon us, so I didn’t have day or weekly interactions. Sometimes yearly. It was easy to see who he was at a young age and i appreciate my mom more than ever right now because of what is going on with my son and the whole situation. Courts in my area tend to favor the mom. They don’t seem to believe abuse can be done by the mother. My lawyer even told me “she’d hit him ~10 times a week with a shoe at 5? We’re going to have to lower that number” sadly it was more. Sorry if I’m all over the place, I think I had a mental breakdown the other day over all this. But I will keep you in my thoughts and I truly believe your son will use those tools and eventually, stop reverting back to his indoctrinated mindset his father put in him. As hard as it is being on the receiving end, hang in there and just continue to love him and fight for him. If you ever need to talk about anything or need to unload all this mental baggage we build up over time, please feel free to reach out to me. Narcissists will never change, but you can grow your son into a kind loving person I’m sure he is, and break the circle of this abuse of parents, and you can change how you handle your ex and work with your son. He sees it now, I know it, and he will see it more as he grows up and becomes a man and realizes you were the protector and you were always there for him, no matter what would happen.
I never knew this or could. I was taken to court 1 year post pardum. He fought me since day 1 out of hospital 🏥 i put him on the BC stupid me. Once we got to court i was a mess and cried alot and was very emotional as i was untangling alot of abuse. The Judge sided with me. Its possible
Thank you for sharing! This gives others hope!
The issue now is he has access and uses that to abuse me further. I'm the blame 🤷 he's the victim.
And our child is now 4 and I feel it's never gonna end as we are in court every year to update the order. And I between that I'm being verbally abused via txt often.
I'm so here for this. I will continue to show he's not agreeing and uncoperative. I have plenty of this.
Okay.I have a serious question here. Let's say the judge orders a specific amount of time over the holidays. But the other party wants to extend the time. Which is not simulated in the court order. Can I stand firm on the court order. Or am I going to be expected by the judge, possibly to bend the time? Because my ex is wanting, the more time. It's so hard to know because i've seen several judges and some are nice and some are not
It would be helpful if you could give an example of what verbage to use.
My child loves their father.. ever person has good and bad in them... Father is not a drunk, or a junkie... Child Expresses that they want to see father more... I attempt to initiate more time to spend and am met with anger and refusal. As much as young child wants to see father more... Father recently told child "mommy is putting daddy in jail", "daddy pays mommy $30 a day, even when your with me", "don't kiss her you don't know where her mouth has been"... It goes on and on... So child want father more but doesn't understand how this is already negativity affecting our child, his esteem, his, security, and the longevity of the negative effect it can have on our child. I could write a book of all the horrible things father has said to me, and of what I know father has spoken to the child. I just want my child to be ok and to be as happy as he can be at such a tender age with the life he has been given...
I can empathize with a lot of that except our son loves his mom but does not want unsupervised visits because of the physical and emotional abuse he has gone through from about 3-7. He’s now 8. A year of continuances with a TRO in place. I can’t understand how some parents don’t want to see their child or just when it’s convenient. The day my older daughter was born my whole outlook on life changed. Now, being single father, sole care giver, she misses supervised visits for so many ridiculous excuses, if she even gives a reason. Misses calls for ridiculous excuses, if she gives one. It sucks that the courts see it as the child should see their parents as much as possible, despite what kind of parent they are. After the first call she was granted and missed, our son asked me “why doesn’t my mom love me?” While crying. It broke my heart. I’ve spent my entire savings just to have continuance after continuance. Just be there for your child, love them, care for them, listen to them, encourage conversations with you and therapist (if there is one) or even a friend (if older). Let them know there are people that love them. I had a dad like your child. At about 15 I realized my dad would never love me the way I hoped he would. But he also disappeared and I would hear from him several times a year (getting a birthday card on the wrong days - once it was the wrong month)
@saw727 I know your situation is difficult because Dad seems to do and say whatever he feels in the moment, even if it hurts his case. All you can do is keep being supportive of Dad and try to keep the child in therapy to help him deal with the negativity.
@ I actually have the restraining order for my son, me and our dog. It’s mom who is the restrained party, but that’s what I’m trying. It’s difficult because mom is extremely good at manipulating people and our son. Trying to get him a better therapist but sticking with the one I have for now until I can afford it or this other one will be approved by the insurance company. Our son is angry with mom and keeps getting angry because of how she treats and talks to him on TalkingParents, but he takes the abuse she dealt out on me because he fears her
You might want to consider whether your child's desire to see their father more is genuine or influenced by manipulative or abusive behaviors from the father.
It's crucial to remember that children often internalize the messages they receive, and these can have lifelong impacts. For instance, a child who is frequently criticized may develop feelings of inadequacy.
If you're concerned about your child's well-being, it's your responsibility to take action. BUT if u choose to act, focus on creating a safe and nurturing environment for your child, rather than placing blame on the father. Your primary goal should be to work together to provide what's best for your child, very important. Ultimately, if the father is unwilling to cooperate, that is his choice.
Also i encourage you to write that book talking about. Just be sure to keep detailed records of dates and events.
@@richarddobos264 thank you very much! I am trying my best. I Love our son and I want him to be the happiest that a young boy can be in the situation he is in the midst of. It doesn't have to be this way. I will support all the good
Hi my sons wife left last June 2024. She’s withholding a court ordered visitation. He is documenting the missed visitation days. She stopped the 4 pm phone calls as well. Clearly it’s not about the children it’s about making our son suffer. She hates our family and talks frequently about all of us in the community. They were together for 8 years and married 1. This is surely narsasistic behavior. The child custody case is in March. Could he win primary custody?
Sometimes, it is to get a better attorney. I found out my attorney wasn't doing much. Filed no motion to get my visitstion started. 4 months no visitation ..yes hot another attorney who daid I should have everything filed on me to know what is being done against me
Thank you so much. Could you please talk about communication with the kids? The other parent wants to call the kids whenever he wants to.
Hi there, if you search my channel, I do have quite a few videos talking about communication, sharing custody, and drawing boundaries.
Tammy, I appreciate your no b.s presentation of the emotional and logistical challenges parents face in child custody. You do not sugar coat those challenges, and you still approach them with empathy and a sense of humor. Thank you ❤
@@carolinej.595Thanks Caroline! I know you’re going through it so hang in there!
Some of these may help:
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@divorceuniversityonline thank you!
Thank you!
You're welcome!
Thank you ❤ this shazia
You're welcome! ❤
Request a parenting commutation app.. it saves so much worry of losing messages
Thanks for advice but I always miss one of the points because there is ao.much extra talk that could be wrapped uo quickly and moved on
Tfs ❤
You're welcome! ❤
Only safe physically??
That’s the primary concern typically.