INFJs and Letting Go - How do you let go of Grief, Change, and Relationships?
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- Опубліковано 11 вер 2024
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The fact that I was afraid to click on this video supports my suspicion that letting go might be one of my biggest problems in life.
Weird how that works, but I totally get it!
🤗🙏
I have such a hard time letting go of people despite the fact I’ve had to do it so much
Well aren't we a pair 🤦🏻♀️ it's cool how much we both suck at letting go of things and people who have hurt us. But hey, at least we have each other, haha!! You know I always got you, boo. Also, you're cute as hell and I adore you ☺💙🍞
You just had to add the white bread emoji 😂. This is why I love you.💜
Hey 👋 Girl Hey🤪
🤗❤
@@d33g.96 oh heeeeyyyyy 🥰
I'm so happy for David any you!
🤜🤛🏻🦋🌈👍👍👍👍👍😊
I forgot to comment in David's
Video what I do is compartmentalize the past present and future.
3 separate rooms.
As hard as it can be I never open the door to the future, I slam the door on the bad past while just closing the door on the good past.
I keep the hinges well oiled on the door to the good past. I go to that room quite often.
Point is be aware of the room you go into and do the necessary preparation before entry.
Crazy but this is how I do it.
All the best !
Your friend
Thunderstorm
As a fellow INFJ, I think the biggest thing to remember is that you can enjoy the moments that you have had with this person while still actively trying to move on. Previously, I would try to erase the person completely from my mind and then years later a memory would resurface, and I would get upset and try to block it out. I’ve learned to appreciate that person for the moment of time they were involved in my life, give the memory thanks, and move on with my day. Trying to push the thought out never helps me. Learning to appreciate the time that I’ve had and the good memories I have of that person helped me move on a lot better. Hope this helps ❤️
It helps, thank you so much for chiming in!
As a 70 yr old man, I recognize so many "patterns" from the course of my life. I have had to "dismiss" numerous people from my life in the past few yrs because of recognizable patterns. I do not let go as easily as they no doubt have, but I am so fully aware of where this world is going and where I want my place in it to be, I have had to make firm decisions with people, whether they like it or not. Yet I am also aware they do not understand, or see what I see, and know is going to happen. So, I'm firm, yet at odds with the choices I know have to be made. Anxiety, yes. I am well aware of what is coming, but my place is imperative. The battle in part is I was a people pleaser for too many years too. Life is a wonderful complicated mess!
It IS a wonderful complicated mess! 😂
I am stuck in the dark so I know actually nothing. The book idea wow. weird. Probably a good read.
I never ever comment on any videos, but I can’t resist a direct plea for help. Part of the way forward is what others have suggested, trying to give yourself a little emotional distance to realize and allow that people come and go in our lives naturally. In the future you may connect again when you are both ready and in better places, and if not you still get to keep the good memories to embrace when you are ready. In the meantime working on forgiveness will help you release the pain and move forward. Work toward forgiving yourself for “being too much”, and on forgiving your friend for giving up on you in your time of need. That doesn’t mean letting either of you off the hook for bad behaviors, but to let go of the negative feelings attached to them, which are only hurting you now. If you are struggling with this to the point that it is interfering with your life, it may help to talk with a counselor who can support you through the process.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and vulnerability, you are a force for good in this world.
I appreciate this so very much Trista, thank you! I'm so glad you offered up some much needed perspective. I appreciate you! 🙏
I was having a hard time letting go and bought the most luxurious yarn in my favorite colors and crocheted a blanket that I keep at the foot of my bed. As I was creating it, I purposely thought of this blanket as the holder of my secrets, pains and sorrows regarding this lost relationship and allowed it to be a special gift to myself. When I'm thinking about this person, the blanket is a reminder of the pain, but also the time spent creating this beautiful thing just for me. Maybe splurging a little on creating something you love very deliberately for healing. Like that when you look at it, you're allowed to feel that sorrow, and at the same time the joy of doing something for yourself.
Yes! Great idea! Fe -> Se at its best!
Thats an awesome idea, because you turn the pain into a beautiful reminder of healing. We need time for recovery anyways and you did well in choosing the most luxurious yarn...
Lovely
Indeed Yes...Sounds Right...make something Good come from the hurt instead of brooding anger...i made my house into a Sumptuous Sanctuary & Happily Hermit here
@@NuLiForm happily hermit is such a luxury really. In remind myself when it feels odd
Yes, as a fellow alien, "letting go" is one of the biggest things I struggle with. I don't know that this is really advice, but I recently embraced a new mantra and that is: " I really don't care." And I use it not in a mean spirited or malicious way but as a reminder to myself to be selective with the things that matter to me.
I want to somehow take on that mantra!
Me too. Its a dangerous self talk, I tell myself, but it works and after all I really dont in most cases. Thanks for clarifying the remark because it always gives me pause and I wonder if Im overly depressed most the time. Reminds me of the question, is it a matter of life or death? Helps
realize that no one can control other people resting headspace, guard the peace you carry and guard that feeling ferociously efficiently
Have you ever listened to this Wonderful guy? he is my teacher, has helped me hold body & soul together for a long time now...has Lots of videos up here: ua-cam.com/video/I3SDyQNnjxU/v-deo.html
“Focus on what is in front of you”. That’s is the best quote any INFJ can hear. Not what is in front of you as in the future. But what is directly in front of you. What you can do in every passing moment to he truer to yourself. I believe that deep down every INFJ knows what needs to be done. We just struggle with taking the leap of faith to try to change our lives through dramatic change. To anyone for whom it may concern: trust your feeling and intuition. You know what you need to do to put your life where it needs to be. Trust yourself. Then watch the pieces fall into place for your life.
Not fishing for sympathy, but my Dad died on April 5, four days later I found out on Facebook that my "boyfriend" was in a "relationship" with someone else (that lasted two months). It's been six months but my heart is still shattered. Yes, it's hard to let go. Thanks for sharing.
I get it Susan. Stay strong out there. I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad, I know what it's like. In my case, there was peace, but I just hit the 1 year mark and that hit pretty hard. Much
I'm sorry for the loss of your Dad, Susan.
I, too, found out on FB that the guy I was involved with went "FB official" with his ex a day after texting me that we needed to slow down. It was 3 days before we were set to move in together, I'd already signed a lease on the house we picked out months prior in his state. It's been a year now and it still haunts me. Its hard when those who mean well say to "just move on" or "just get over it now". Its like, why would I choose to stay in this state of mind? Because if I knew how to let go I so would.
Just when you think you've had it bad, someone else had it worse.
Man, you hit it hard here. I tend to be equally stuck in future and past - never present. David, we are on earth such a short time. INFJs do better when we TRY to ground in the now. Depression and anxiety are real with INfJs too. I know I struggle with them both, just like you. Letting go in your situation is extra hard since you didn’t chose it. I’m sorry it happened - sometimes people just part ways in life. No amount of overthinking will make some things make sense. It just is. I hope this helped even a little. Take care 🤗🖤
Always helps when it resonates and I know I'm not alone. You're the best, Kim!
Someone who let you go during your darkest time, is not worthy of your friendship. I let a lifetime friend go, because the pain they created in my life was unbearable. It is hard to let go, but I am finding out it is part of life. Nothing and no one is forever. Keep loving and giving of yourself…to those that are there for you.
I had a friend who, was pretty much the bread, and I was the butter. Things worked out for about 15 years until I told him something very personal and I was in an unaware state when I said it. He told me if I ever need something he'll always be there. Well, fast forward like, a few months, and he got some with someone. I had a dream and I basically cut relations. I was the toxic person. And it took a while for me to realize that I had a lot of family baggage that was preventing me from progressing into a fully fledged individual. At any rate, thank you for this video.
We were just kids who weren't really helping each other grow. I took advantage of his hospitality and over the years his family grew to like me and eventually they liked me and I didn't have much care in the household I was growing up in. Unfortunately he didn't know how to deal with the issues I was going through and it took a long time for him to get honest with himself too and realize we weren't helping each other out. So I moved on and he moved on.
Appreciate this Ahmed, thank you! There is comfort and wisdom in words from people who understand and support. I appreciate you!
@@DavidBadurina Thank you David.
When I have trouble letting go, it's often because there's something unresolved. If there's uncertainty about the relationship and why it ended and what part you and they played in it, that might be the issue.
You may feel like that relationship was left without closure. That uncertainty can really make you feel dragged back into the past.
The only thing that really helps is finding a way to come to grips with the reasons it all fell apart. Forgive them and yourself as you're able. Then it will slowly get better. Wishing you the best!
Thank you Laura! I appreciate this very much!
I feel you on this truly. I think it’s very hard and in time the peace will come- but I do have one thought. It’s more uplifting to think about how your past friendships have brought you to the here and now. There are so many positive memories/experiences you can try to remember rather than focusing on the loss. But like I said- I mostly think it takes time. A 20 year friendship is not something you get over quickly….. and I think we INFJs take a bit longer than others.
Thank you Jennifer! Wise words indeed!
This is so accurate. I went through this recently. Turns out I overthought the situation. I didn’t lose the person. They lost me. I was more invested than they were. And now I am free from the constant “am I being a good friend” bull crap. I was overly available to someone who never intended to give more than was convenient.
Yes, as a fellow INFJ it is hard because we are so tenderhearted. I've had 2 divorces (both were narcissists who had affairs and left me), and I just had to become more cold blooded and businesslike when I had to deal with them. Compartmentalized it, if you will. In time it just gets easier if you don't allow your emotions to take over you. I rarely, if ever, think of them anymore.
I think time is the main thing, absolutely!
One thing I've learned when dealing with a painful loss is to avoid pretending that it's okay and that I'm not hurt by it. It is what it is. Also, I avoid people who will compulsively tell me it's going to get better and to not be upset or depressed. You have to let yourself hurt before you can heal. Sometimes the best thing you can do is have a good cry.
I don’t have the answers.
As a respiratory therapist in the midst of a respiratory viral pandemic, I have, for the first time in my life, experienced panic attacks. I am having to let go of people, perceptions, and long held beliefs. Not much of the last nearly 2 years has been easy, however I had the opportunity to learn a technique that has helped during my thought spirals. It involves 3 steps: first- thank your mind for letting you know; second- go back to what you were doing; third- repeat as necessary.
I know there’s a video explaining it much better than I am out in the web world.
That's a concise and to-the-point exercise, for sure. Stay strong out there and thank you for all you do!
Unfortunately we move on because we have no choice. I've been through so much in the past 15 years or so. I still struggle with many of the very things you are talking about. But there is joy in the little things. I try to keep looking forward. I can't change those times and I refuse to regret. It's not profound advice, it's strikingly simple but sometimes it got me through. Keep looking forward, even if it's only a few hours ahead because things do change. Get through those hours, then worry about the next few. Yes, my life has been this way. Find little joys. Give yourself time to absorb and accept. I'm sorry you are going through this time but it will become a different time, probably without notice. Just keep going.
Always forward!
Life is going to regardless. We can go voluntarily or get dragged behind. One lends less road rash. 😉
Thank you for your vulnerability David! :)
There are a lot of ways I can answer this question and speaking as a therapist I don't think I could pour all the post traumatic wisdom and grief psychoeducation I give to my clients over months or years in therapy in a youtube comment.
Though in an effort to provide some consolation, (and speaking as an INFJ) processing grief is not something INFJs are bad at. It's a societal challenge. You are not alone in this struggle. Even among therapists it can be a challenge. If anything, I think INFJs don't get the validation they need and feel more disconnected which makes grief harder to overcome.
That's not to say you shouldn't try to work through your grief. I encourage you to. The most profound intimacy and joy can be found when grief has been integrated into your life. Though I will be honest in saying, finding the right connections and relationships to help facilitate your growth can be difficult.
I personally spent years learning how to grieve and appreciate grief. I look at all that I had to let go and yes it felt difficult at the time, but I developed the skills and "emotional muscles" to persevere and I came out the end more loving, more resilient, and more confident (genuinely confident, not arrogant) in who I am.
In sum, don't be afraid to feel your emotions or be vulnerable. Connection is key. Connect with those you trust or connect with a professional who can help you move through your emotions. You listed a number of very significant losses and transitions in a relatively short time span David. Death, divorce, moving, etc. are all significant changes. That's a lot to carry. You are deserving of care. Warm regards. :)
Thank you so so much for this. I don't even know what to say, just that I appreciate you and I am taking this to heart. I think that "grief has been integrated" comment is something that really hits me as I do not want to be sad, I do not want to be depressed, I don't want to continue feeling that loss, so there's a bit of swimming upstream going on, so to speak. This is wonderful advice. 🙏
@@DavidBadurina Glad to be of service! :)
I do keep my focus on that which I can control.
I can only try to understand how my best intentions were incongruent with my perceived actions.
Even going into the future "winning" comes with loss. That is, the loss of that not experienced. Past "losses" are still gains, even though they weren't gains we wanted at the time.
I appreciate the past. I was there. I anticipate the future. I will be there. And I'll be focusing on what I have control over with the best intentions for others, but most importantly, now, for myself. :^)
All about the NOW, right?
@@DavidBadurina :^)
I wanna give u a hug so bad. I'm glad u at least have this community. We're all here for u. I don't think time heals all but it will eventually get easier sweets. I cant get past my one friend leaving cuz I feel even tho I'm a lot to take, my good attributes should outweigh it n I don't get y they dont see it that way
I appreciate that! Always down for hugs! I appreciate the support! ❣️
So many issues here. Since i’m older, 69, i can tell you that bad things happening one right after another, when one would have been plenty, is just something that happens right around middle age which you appear to be at, so just know that at least when it comes to the death of people you love well, that’s just the stuff that starts happening when you’re close to fifty. In my case, my father died, then my three best friends, all in the space of a few years. With regard to the ending of the relationship you described, when deep emotions are involved, an INfJ never completely stops thinking about it. It’s so normal. If it were me and I were trying to process the pain with an end goal of putting it away in some drawer where I didn’t have to look at it all the time I’d take out a pen and paper and just write about it. Everything that was upsetting me. I would also do what I like to call a fantasy/reality chart. Write down who I thought this person was or hoped would be then look at the reality of who that person actually was. Was I in some sort of denial about what my expectations were for the relationship that had no actual bearing on who this person was or who they could ever be? I’d apply the same analysis to my behavior. Where did I possibly fall short for the other person? I would then, assuming no further conversations could save the relationship, figure out what I could do, in my own mind ,to have peace with the situation and I’d try very hard not to beat myself up. I knew a man who once said to me,”Relationships either work or they don’t.” Isn’t the simplicity of that true? Two parties who want to make something work generally do. But we can’t control what the other person wants. I hope all of this or some of this helps. As a parting gift, go watch the halftime speech Al Pacino makes to his football team in “Any Given Sunday.” When I’m in deep dark mode this always lifts me up.
I appreciate your thoughts on this, thank you!
The way I try to "let go" is by treating myself to my own curated playlists I've made for myself specifically for this purpose. It does take a while, reflecting on what happened, deciding whether I should try to stay in contact with the person, etc. People that think they know me think that I'm good at "letting go" because I have a process for it, but to me, I don't see it as something I'm necessarily good at. This is because even though I have a process for it, I still go through all the things someone trying to let go, goes through, and sometimes my process doesn't help and rather makes "letting go" take longer than it needs to. All of this said, it's hard nonetheless to let go no matter what happened. If something happened badly that I need to let go of, I spend hours thinking about how it could've been better. And if something ends "well" then later I still feel as bad about it as if it had ended badly. One song I've been listening to on repeat recently is Exposed by Matty Fees since it's motivational. It says something about closure so I think it relates to this topic possibly.
First, so great to see you here in the comments!
I'll check out the music recommendation for sure. I'm all about listening according to mood and being influenced by what I listen to. Thank you for that!
@@DavidBadurina Thanks, glad to be here! I hope you like the song although I don't know your music preferences(like what genres you like). No problem and anytime.
You can’t imagine yourself without that pain. Every time you think deeply about it (is there really another way to think?) it is always painful. It won’t ever really stop being painful, but in the future you will think about it less and less often. The time between the thoughts of the loss will lengthen, allowing for more present to fill in. Eventually, you’ll think of it so rarely that it will seem like another life.
Thanks for posting this, David. I think few people can appreciate the value we can bring to a friendship, and that people are often focused on themselves a lot more than INFJ's are. It's probably healthier not to care what our friends think about us so much, and just do our best at being ourselves and focus on enjoying the time we have with those who have stepped in or really stuck around. Chances are the people that drift away still really love us, but we might just be a little too intense for them, or remind them of their own past too much.
100% I think there are a lot of elements of that!
(Screaming in side while smiling right now)
I'm so happy I found your channel and at this time in my life. David, like you I'm in my 40s. Gone through the whole rainbow of shit in my life.. recently. I am now fighting my way to a more balanced choice driven life. Saying no to hurt is difficult & painful process especially as INFJ with people you do truly care for. I recently divorced and found what I thought...was an inner happy place, I found obstacle racing and every day I ran until I could not. Every weekend I entered races for over a year. I Made sure I had NO free time to get in my head. Made sure I never said NO to anyone that invited me to do anything that I felt bettered my state of mind. I finally was happy. Turns out it was a bandaide. I wasn't doing the work on myself. I was ignoring myself. I didn't realize this at the time...I thought I was doing great! I was being an extrovert for once! I then left my entire old life behind to try on a new one. New state, new job, new relationships. It was awesome. Then the work I hadn't done reared its ugly head. For the past 3 years I have been in the midst of doing the work. I've been in and out of severe depression and have lost EVERYTHING. Like you said...homeless. I was. I used to say not by choice but it was. All I could do in that moment was cry and shout "why me". I'm still coming out of it but in a much better place and found myself not far where I lost it all and surrounded by beauty. Finally getting to recharge my batteries after so many years of self abuse.
I found out 2.5 weeks ago about the personality test. Then like most I'm sure, i jumped on UA-cam to see what others were saying. So much fluff out there. Not you. Your channel is real. You are vulnerable with all of us and I can't express in words how much that has helped me. Makes me feel connected to something even without knowing you.. Your truth. I guess this is a lengthy way to say, thank you. I'm very happy you have found a partner to appreciate you and allow your self growth. I'm also sorry to hear of your losses and living hardships. There is nothing more painful than losing those connections with friends or family when it's not by choice and then to lose your sanctuary. :(
You are seeminly on the up swing - air high five!
Keep posting, please. I find your channel incredibly liberating. Thanks again for your insightful words.
I replied and deleted. It's a difficult topic.
Long story short..... distraction. I manage the depression ,anxiety ,panic attacks and migraines with deliberate distractions. When I realize that I've been triggered, I try doing something to keep physically busy . Garden, plants , My critters. anything that can help when the emotions are at their most strong. Even crying while doing plant stuff is better than taking to bed for days or weeks. I have not found a cure for damage done by those people. I'm Only trying to manage the everlasting damage of their gift of un kindness . A gift I didn't want and cannot seem to return. 😖. Focus on whatever good you have in your life. Hold it close and try your best not to let the past steal it from you. Not easy sometimes 😕. Cry when you need to cry, it's ok.
I'm rambling now.
Thank you for your openness and honesty . infj-t is new information for me and my esfp-a, husband. We are 43 yrs married! Your channel has helped him understand Me better💕. Edit addition- as painful as past relationships can be, they are also like a disease that we had to endure! Some residual effects we cannot rid ourselves of. Just be glad they are out of our lives. Be stronger and wiser.
Thank you for the comment and I'm so glad the video helps. I appreciate your thoughts!
We want to know all about you. I am sure everyone agrees with me. 15 minutes is not enough time to get to know someone who makes our lives make sense!!!🇨🇦🐙🙏
Hmm, I let go of someone I was in a relationship with for five years because it was not going anywhere. We didn't even live together. Then I started dating someone new and all I could think of was this other guy the one that I wanted to marry and have kids with. I thought it was very unfair to the new person even though he didn't know my inner thoughts. Two years went on with this new guy and I learned that no one will ever come close to being that five-year guy, who was an ENFJ. The two-year guy was so mean and didn't even try to understand my feelings ( would get mad at me if I called off work sick, or that I need to know the plan and if it changes last minute it causes me anxiety. I cannot say I have truly let go of the five-year guy. I will always love him, he never did anything wrong and was always supportive of all my crazy ideas. They say if you truly love someone you will always love them.
I am just going to put it here, just in case you forget, that these hard times do end, recently I believe my own depression has ended which I am super grateful for. I hope you find solace in your own situation and remember that it is important to recognize what is within and what is not in your control
It's the best reminder, thank you!
Over the years I’ve learned that rejection from someone else is a actually a blessing. True relationships last through the good and bad times. If it goes pear shape, it was never meant to be.
Half of what you’ve been through would break most people. You had the right to be depressed and no one could blame you for being a dark place.
You just need to take solace you never really done anything wrong. If you lost a friend out of this, you never really had a friend to begin with. Over time things will get better. Time heals
I appreciate this so much! Thank you!
Hey David, good message. I’ve never felt more like an infj than relating to literally everything word for word every detail.its strange to make myself believe I’m both special and gifted because infjs are always putting ourselves before our love ones.and we don’t often get recognized or appreciated only called stupid and gullible .
Its extremely challenging letting go of the past. I’m sure I will always battle with that. For me, I have to be committed to moving forward with the knowledge that the past causes intense sadness, pain. I Just have to accept it, and let myself of the hook. I have to be easier on myself, no one deserves to stay in that broken place & it’s tough. Still the focus remains onward & upward. Everyone has their issues & for me, this is certainly it. But I have way too much life to live to simply dwell in a hollow.
Also Ty for being so transparent in this video. It’s so relatable.
Thank you for watching and commenting! I appreciate your thoughts!
As an infj I tend to put my favorite people on a pedestal. It is hard to forgive our favorite people when they prove they are just as human as everyone else. I had a hard time forgiving my parents. Christina Lopes has a guided meditation for healing the inner child that let me see their side of a trauma. Marissa Peer has a few hypnosis regressions on childhood trauma. Those are about an hour long. On to practical advice: your wonderful father left you a legacy that you may not realize. The home you sold was his training ground. People are staying home much more lately and they want their homes fixed. Handymen and general contractors have more work than they can handle. As always, energy hugs 🤗 and air chocolate chip cookies to you my friend. we care.
Thank you! I'll take ALL THE COOKIES! ;-)
No advice here, just support. 💚😀
I appreciate that Sherry! Thank you!
This past summer I was in a similar type of situation. At my lowest of my low, lasing my family after fighting for so long. I was in such a dark place and had no clue as to how to get out of it. My best friend of over 20 years was going through her own hard times. More mental health related but also not dealing with whatever led her to that point. She cut ties with me without a word. Ran into her out and about where she tells me she is headed to a job I knew nothing about and that she wanted a break from our friendship. No explanation, nothing. Get a text later with her reason being she heard me say something I would NEVER say. I thought about it and told her that what she thinks she heard was said, just not by me. I would not say what she thought I said. Nor did I. She still doesn't speak to me. Changed her number. Doesn't respond on messenger. I love her and her daughter, who. I call niece. I just want to be able to see my niece. It is still hard, she was an amazing friend to me. But there is nothing I can do about or for someone who does not want it for themselves. I remind myself that she has been through a lot she has not allowed herself to process and work through. I also remember the fact that I know how hard of a person I can be to have in one's life and she was there for me through a lot. I'm sorry your friend walked away from you, it is very hard, but I am happy that your friend was kind enough to express their thoughts and feelings to you. Hopefully things are going well enough that you are able to smile through the hard times. I appreciate you and your videos.
It took me 8 years to get over my sons father ,, but when it happened it was so freeing ,, forgiveness
I am an old INFJ. I am 57 years old. I moved from Ca. to Co. After being my mother’s neighbor for 30 years I walked away. My mom is a strong narcissist and my brother lived next store to her. I went through hell but it was very hard to walk away. It’s been 2.5 years since I left. I feel like my relationship with God has grown. That is the only thing that keeps me going. I was foster parent and loved my kids as they were my own. I had a total of seven kids at a time. Three children of my own and four from fostering. I loved my life. When my son turned 18 years old the agency wanted me to kick him out I couldn’t do that. So I quit the most gratification job I had ever done. I had to see my kids make the best out of their lives. Don’t feel bad for the choices you have made. God has greater things coming your way. I love your videos and one day I pray to be able to read your books. May God bless you in all that you do.
Thank you so much for this, I appreciate it! Stay strong out there!
I find for myself that letting go is very difficult no matter what it is (an item - a person - a memory - an experience ... ). However, I also know that holding on to things that weigh me down and slows down my forward progress is not good for me. The lack of progress is the worst (whether mental, physical, emotional or spiritual). I must alway and I’ll repeat always be growing, progressing or reaching a goal. Not letting go causes stagnation and for me that is like poison. What I found helpful is to realize that I have to DECIDE not to give my power away to that person, thing, event or memory and to take back my power by watering and fertilizing my own growth. We spend our entire lives helping others and when we for the first time vent or have a need people respond the way they do because we are clearly not in a position to help them. Little do they know we want to be, but we end up in a dark place because we’ve not stopped to meet our own needs (which is for me extremely difficult not to be there for others - we are human too and need help too, to get through dark times) I experienced something very similar when I was at my lowest and I realized I would stay is that place as long as I allowed them to hold on to the power I gave them at some point (unknowingly). Well I took it back and by doing so I subconsciously told them you’re on your own and the issues you have are yours now and not mine. I replaced those thoughts with other things like planning, setting goals and creating the future I want. Going to sleep and waking up with a plan is the best thing ever. Life is what we make of it! I choose forward movement. I hope this rambling makes sense and can help you have a peace of mind knowing that you help us and we are here to help you. Why? Because that’s what we (INFJ’s) do and that is very healing. Take Care of yourself and know that it shall pass. When you let go you no longer have ownership. That’s the best part. It’s someone else’s now :)
You gave me laughter when I needed it. It’s about the green hat and scarf that represents feeling. It was an amazing image. I hope to return the favor.
I am going through a bunch of letting go. HUGE!
I see it like Looney Toons. When Wiley Coyote puts on the breaks (his feet) he doesn’t do so with enough expertise. He falls down the cliff.
I visualize him in sneakers. He pushes down his heals for the slide. His footwear grabs the rocky ground. He wobbles like a Weeble at the cliff’s edge. But he makes it.
He smears a big smile across his face and exits stage right.
Articles like yours and a few good friends have helped me know myself. In doing so, I can cope because I know whatever is not my fault. That was my biggest INFJ hang up, believing I was responsible for everything. (I had a Narcissistic mother.)
I smile at people a lot, and I watch the light in the sky move between the two Solstices.
You do much more. Your videos elevate.
It sounds like a grieving situation. You suffered a loss and you should give in to the grieving process and then maybe you can move forward. I have been down this road and it's not easy but grieving in any form is never easy. Take care David!
Thank you Barb!
Trauma hurts, and hurt people, hurt people. And sometimes people are just too hard on themselves. Just keep loving yourself and supporting yourself. And know that you are doing the very best every minute of every day to live your best life.
Forgive yourself David! And the best Thing i think is knowing that the question "Why" is irrelevant. I have some Things in my Life that are painfull too, like the rest of us. I think it is Important to know that Bad Feelings are Part of our Life. I know that most of us wants to avoid to feel Bad. But it is Important to let you feel this way. All Feelings are Part of our Human Nature and we have to Accept that. So it is not a Bad thing to feel bad If you take it as a part of a Process to reflect yourself. And to transcend your pain in something better....for you and for others. I Like your Channel very much. Keep in Touch i will drop Something i found meaningful for me as an Infj on my New Channel Hope you will Like that.
I'm working on it! And trying to ignore that "WHY"!
Totally resonate with everything changing at once, just one thing after another- health, relationships, moves, job, pandemic, more health issues. Still figuring it all out; nice to know I’m not the onlu one
I have found this to be harder the older I get. My mantra used to be be suck it up and drive on. I learned this in the ARMY. But trying to look forward rather than backwards and dwelling on the things that hurt me is harder. I have lost the people in my life that used to center me. Some I have have had to distance myself from and others have just stopped interacting with me and some have passed. Trying to regain my balance but with little to lean on. So I feel you. Trying to get back the drive on part I guess.
Hey I'm willing to keep trying and moving forward if you are too, Robert. We got this!
INFJ's have such high expectations of ourselves. We can have a bit of a God complex, always being there for others no matter how much it hurts and having unconscious expectations that others will be there for us. Being someone who has had crushing depression most of my life, I decided a long time ago that I didn't want to inflict that on a partner. I completely understand why your friend left, and it's not personal at all. It IS too much for most people to handle mental illness in someone they love. It is over idealistic to expect from human beings what can only be given by God. Most people want to be there, but just can't be. I hope you can hear this with the love intended. That Fi critic is truly awful to because it will always tell me I am defective and unworthy, and too much. The truth is much more that I have a very unique, challenging set of cognitive functions and most people can't cope with it. Let your friend off the hook my friend. And forgive yourself.
Sweet fellow alien David, I have been going through loss of people all of my life. But usually they went away bc they started seeing me in a negative way, too arrogant or too cold or a heartbreaker and so on. But this year I had a totally new experience: I met a guy and we became really close friends, we live in different countries but talked over social media. The conversations were wonderful and even tho I knew he didn't understand all my "weird" mind told him he let me babble all I had to let out and still gave me the feeling of trying to understand me and sometimes even gave awesome advice. He is much older than me, married and with 3 kids. We helped each other out. One day he told me he had to end our friendship and break all contact bc he felt like cheating on his wife with me. And no, there was nothing close to cheating... just long and deep talks about life views, politics, religions, experiences... god and the world! So this was really a shocking moment - I ofc disconnected from my feelings and told him it was alright and we might meet again... And the best recipe for me about loss, grief or such things is a silent moment alone, letting the emotions out (e.g. crying like crazy alone in a room), letting the bad feelings go and then I focus on the good that happened with that person and so I integrate that person into my past with happy memories and that it was a good lesson to have had this person in my life. Thing is, you can't keep anyone in your life who decided to go - for me it is unconditional love to let someone go into his/her happiness even if it means without me in their future but to know I had some (tiny) impact in their lives or maybe touched their souls in a positive way! Atleast if the world decides to forget them I won't bc they touched my heart in some way and I always remember that! For me it is a gift to have special people in my life, even tho they might only stay for some period of time.
I have followed your channel for a while and thank you for your vulnerability. It is really cute to see the chemistry between you and your girlfriend:-) I also went through big challenges the last few years but if I know one thing, INFJ’s always get back up. Even if we get hurt by narcissistic people we still heal and maintain our heart at the right place. Just keep pushing forward my friend. I got your book to support you but you could have priced it a little higher. Keep the good energy coming!
Thank you so much!
😭😭... I'm going threw a seperation now and I'm lost...your so accurate about how it feels. We love so hard it's not fair. Once you let someone into that inner sanctum that's reserved for so few or when they find a chink in your armor....and then they leave you...it crush's you...it feels like treason. The wall around your heart gets taller and thicker. Brother I pray for you... finally someone I can relate to. 😥
Wishing you the very best my friend. It’s hard, stay strong, you got this!
Living in the past and having depression... check
Living in the future and having anxiety... check
Living in the present and being a little okay... struggling...
I'm tired.
I'm very sorry for everything you've gone through. I'm very thankful to have come across your channel a year, year and a half ago. Thank you for what you do here.
I appreciate you Beth. Stay strong with me! 💪❣️
Based on my experience in last few years i would say each and every person has their perception of life and every other thing.
If some one did let go of us is based on his/her perception of us. They thought what they did was right at that moment for them (don't judge yourself based on their action).
It's better to forgive them because this helps us cut the cords with them mentally. You cannot let go off of them without forgiving them ( it's difficult to do this but we infj's aren't born to do easy things on this earth😉).
I have cut short other things which an Infj would feel during this course but it surely helps over the time.
It's not an advice but my experience.
I like your videos David, keep going my friend 👍
I'm going to keep going forward, for sure! And thank you for sharing this!
It does get better. The triggers slowly disappear. Can’t change the past...but as an onlooker, I see those good changes. You’re moving on. You’re a published author (Caretaker series). You’re a successful UA-camr. You help people like me when we’re hurting (BIG DEAL).Be proud of touching people ‘s lives for the better. You have a beautiful girlfriend who you know is your best friend. I see positive things only from where I am. You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be....on the right path.if you weren’t anxious about the future,then that would mean you don’t care...but you do. Wishing....🇨🇦🐙🙏♥️❤️Much happiness to you and Jaclynn
Hey, I don’t usually write comments on UA-cam but I would say you need to focus on the present to create new events for your future . To create a foundation of a new past. If you can try and have a good 2-3 years it can help to create distance and I know that’s hard to maintain . I think some things require a lot of self reflection and sometimes identifying the cause of it is simply not enough . You need to separate yourself from your brain and your emotions . Your brain has its own healing process . Accept that you don’t know what the future holds . Meaning not to worry about if things have ended or not forbut know this prepares you for the real deal when you get older , the things only the older generations can tell you is that loss unfortunately you have had to go through episodes of it early . I defo know what you mean about being stuck in the past because I’ve been going through that for a year and a half and one thing I can say is it does get better but even when you know it has everything still feels just as bad . If you keep thinking the way you think you won’t appreciate the future presents ever . You have to accept that whilst you may not feel content now just accept you feel the way you feel and there’s not much you can drastically change now and being an infj I can tell you this introverted thinking will be your best friend . Once you unlock that you will have access so much resources .that can shift your mind and emotions but it’s a slow process but I’m just speaking from my experience .
Makes sense, I appreciate the kind words!
Thank you for this, I agree.
I appreciate your vulnerability.
Thank you for sharing especially the part when you talked about the past and the future. This is exactly how I feel about everything. I work so hard to ground myself in the present moment.
Life has ways to throw flashbacks while presenting sneak peaks of what could be in the future!
I am divorced and although I am so much better, it is never easy because as much as I would want to just burn bridges and move back to my country, I can't because my child is here in Canada and he deserves a present and great mom.
I had a major depression too which lasted for three years. That dark time made me realized so many things which led to my divorce. I feel better now. Still, the struggle to let go is tough. I grieve the loss of my 'family', having my own husband. I am still grieving my late father. I grieve the loss of identity.
I can cope better sure, but the pain still lingers. The future is full of promise and I am glad that I am self-driven. However, because of financial instability and not having a partner now and being all alone in another country, sometimes I cant help but be anxious.
You know how we are, we take care of others, we understand them and I ask myself, what about me? Who would take care of me?
I take care of me sure and people commend my strength and resilience but how I wish they would see that strength doesn't equate with invincibility.
Thank you for your channel!
You are a blessing!
Stay healthy and strong! I hope you feel so much better now.
I went through a couple episodes in my life where it was hard to let go and move on. I understand completely. But I think it's true you got to let go of one thing to make room for a new thing in your life. Kinda like a vacuum. Forgiveness is important. It took me a while to realize for myself that unforgiveness only hurts me and not the other party. You're the one keeping yourself in a room with bars on the windows with no escape even though you had the key to unlock the door the whole time. We INFJs ruminate over and over and over. I know it's my biggest struggle. We're all humans who are imperfect. Count your blessings every single day. It sounds like your girlfriend is at the top of that list. Think on that and take it one day at a time.
Thank you so much Arlene, I appreciate you!
Been there, done that. I really really feel for you and understand.
To the more challenging aspects since I do think it important to face the music and not whitewash it in part because it clarifies why you (and us) would be feeling so crappy.
1. Loss is awful. The key to minimize suffering is the ability to let go. I have spent a lifetime developing that skill, or at least trying to, but some things are simply much harder than others. Deep connections are the hardest of all.
2. It is an awful moment when that last thread of deep connection walks off in disgust. For you that was that friend who had enough. Were you a pain and awful to be around? Probably, but the awareness that all connections can be lost if you use up your "capital in the bank" (ie the bad has now outweighed the good) is a horrifically lonely place to be. We are often criticized for being too guarded, too closed off, unwilling to take risk with our innermost, but is there anything worse than we we do, when we really need that connection and understanding more than anything in the universe, and it leaves us??
The only thing that has worked for me when life is crappy is to shrink the time. Sometimes life is so awful I can only focus on the next 5 minutes. Over time it can expand to 10, then an hour, and maybe a month. Looking backward at such moments will simply bury you.
Overall life is a series of moments (or bubbles as I call them). A happy life is a collection of bubbles that fulfills us. Its like climbing Everest- spend all your money, freeze, gasp for air, work hader than you ever thought you could and still not reach the summit...but ask someone into that and they will say it was pure joy. Its hard to see that sometimes when the moment you are in is miserable.
Mr. David.
I know I'm a little late to the party but I came across this video and I just wanted to take (30 hours to tell you my story of how my life got nuked and I "lost everything") a minute to say it WILL get better, as long as you honestly want it to. No punishing yourself, you can and have a right to be happy now. It took years to get over my trauma (narcissist). Philosophical Taoism helped me. It gave some humility and clarity without a bunch of rules. Then I just basically accepted that life is not a set of baseball cards. You can't collect everyone and have a nice complete set. I decided if what I had in life I was going to be happy with that. No one is going to take my life away from me. And that life is enough to make me happy. Life is good, sometimes we step in dog poop, but it's still good. The sun will come up tomorrow, and just being able to see it is good enough for me. Remember, your job is not to do this or that, it's to exist and enrich the world with your presence, that's it.
Also, when my mom died I decided to (for me) not be selfish and mourn what I lost but to be happy and greatful for what I had. Not easy, but for me it helped.
Peace and Love brother.
Peace and love right back. Thank you for this kind, beautiful comment! I appreciate you! ❣️
Having to let go of your adult child that doesn’t want anything to do with you is a whole other level of depression an anxiety, I can’t get past this 🥲
David, I hit a wall back in the spring with a situation like the one of which you speak (a lost friendship, the misunderstanding, the pain, etc...) and there was NOWHERE for me to go but within myself. So, I sat my butt down twice a day for 20 minutes and gently closed my eyes and got quiet. There was nothing else I could do.I did this whether I wanted to or not because I felt my brain was on fire from all the over thinking. And I listened to my breathing and this began to calm and help me. All this to say that I began to meditate and it has made all the difference. I wish you well, David and I hope you find peace. I really do.
Thank you so much Elizabeth, I appreciate you! I have tried meditation numerous times and boy is my brain noisy lol.
@@DavidBadurina Hi David, I like you have a very difficult time meditating. I tried focusing on a candle flame, clearing my mind (Ha!! No way!) , and listening to calming music. None of these things worked. So I started looking up sleep meditation music. UA-cam has a bunch of channels. I play it in the background when I sleep and it helps me a lot! I feel generally calmer when I do it. It is not for everyone because some need complete quiet when they sleep. I need white noise so it is perfect for me. I hope this helps. :)
I'm very familiar with this problem and what helps me with this is meditation. It helps to get a taste of what it is like to be in the present and to notice more easily when I'm caught up in my thoughts throughout the rest of the day. Currently I need it very much, so I'm doing 3×20 minutes of guided mindfulness meditation. It's not that the pain just disappears but it gives a place to come home to and process.
I've started trying to meditate, it's been ... interesting! :-)
This hit a cord with me as an INFP. I'm going through the same thing with an INFJ who's issues got too overwhelming for me. It's also very hard for me to let go energetically. Thanks for being vulnerable enough to let us know how INFJs really react. Bless you as you move forward. 🙏
Best to you!
It's been over a year but I'll connect anyway. Yes. I've had a few of these painful experiences. 1. A close roommate for years left without cause and I was so hurt. I take things very personally. Same as you, I suppose. I leaned into my close relationship with my best friend for support. But time is what has really soothed that sting. It took .... 4 years maybe to get over it. 2. My younger sister last year said she didn't want to be my friend anymore. Which broke my heart. How did I let go? I told myself that she decided what's best for her so I have to do what's best for me. The bitterness has bled out of me after creating new happy memories without her. My heart isn't broken anymore, it's stony when I think of her now. Tell yourself that agency is the greatest power we have, and our right to choose to be happy and move on is divine. 3. My precious cat died. But not before I held onto her so tightly that she suffered for a month in pain. This experience taught me the most I think. The grief was all consuming. You have to feel it. Express it. Cry. Scream and write it down. Then... Let it go in peace. I hope my experiences helped a little.
Thanks for sharing David. I can relate on many levels. 41, going through divorce after 18 years of marriage to my all-in-one (best friend, husband, etc. He was my everything for almost half my life). It is not easy to move on from that, for anyone, but I do feel that as an INFJ I seem to struggle so much with letting go. I gave my all and it was a contract to death, you know, I didnt ever think I'd be without him one day. I have a lot more I could share, but would be way too lengthy for this message. It's taken so much work finding and resurrecting myself again, and detaching from a "forever" viewpoint, to appreciating the possibly momentary connections with people who flow through my life and what we can learn from each other.(even when interactions are not great, what does my reaction tell me about myself and which underlying core belief needs some work...etc.) Still working on it, but I am much more content than I was 6 months ago, and happy to just be me. Much of this has also been about giving it time, feeling the feelings and taking another step forward, and if I stumble; I swear a little, buy a plant and talk to it ;) , have a nap and try again. 🤪🌱🤗
I appreciate you sharing what you have! All I can say is stay strong out there. It gets bumpy, for sure. There is joy though, and joy in the little things as we do the best we can. I totally get that "forever" viewpoint conundrum, as well. Numerous times I thought life would lead a certain way and it was just left turn, right turn, backward, forward, upside-down.
These days I just try to focus on gratitude, enjoying special little moments, and trying to relax and not put too much pressure on myself.
Oh, and about to head out with Jaclynn and look at plants. That definitely helps! 😁
I’m so sorry you were made to feel like you were “too much”. I don’t know the ins and outs but irregardless letting go for us as INFJs is nearly impossible or it’s the easiest thing in the world “door slam”. In the door slam situation it literally feels like letting go of the rope that connects us to that person. You drop it and walk away, more or less, still “whole”. But when it isn’t a door slam it feels like an amputation. We bond for life. The only way is to amputate, you mutilate your soul digging out the individual fibres that you willingly weaved to/for them. The process is messy and parts of us get cut and die off in the process. I wouldn’t wish being an INFJ on anyone because letting go makes life seem unbearable. It’s our cross
Am sorry for your losses David, I am still grieving too, My therapist recommended " Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief" , it's a great book. I also learned from her that grieve is a journey , it's a process and you must be gentle and patient with yourself. It takes me too long to let go , for my childhood friend it took 10years , 5years analyzing the issue in the relationship, 5 yrs trying to fix it , and then I was ready to move on , and once I did I never looked back. I am grieving a romantic relationship from 3years ago and gradually letting go , it's a long process for me and that's okay , this is the most important lesson that I have learned from my therapist and the book. I also learned that to fully heal you need to fully grieve, meaning letting that world you shared with that person breakdown , the old you , the visions , dreams, the way you saw the world. It's a lot , and it's hard but if you do , grieve fully , and be gentle and patient you will be free. I hope that helps . Thanks a lot for your channel and great work . your book sounds interesting , will take a look.
I appreciate that Khadra! Thank you! I am definitely trying to step back and breathe and look at the entire situation in its proper perspective. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!
David, bought the book. Having a hard time making the time to read it, but I will.
I appreciate that Barry, thank you!
I struggle with letting go as well. Sometimes it’s very easy and I can walk away clean, but if I'm really invested in a person, l can't shake them. But I can say after struggling with this for many years, I have learned to ask myself one question...why is this person so important to me? And the usual answer is that it's not that the person is so important, it's that I don't want to feel unwanted, unloved and rejected in some way. It gets really deep and complicated but once I get down to the real reason for my unwillingness to let go, letting go has gotten easier. Best wishes, awesome video 🥰
The instrument (the mind) has taken over the host. It doesn't want you to be here now, for in that simple act it will lose it's power over you.
You are not your mind. You are not your thoughts.
You are not your likes and dislikes.
You are not your story.
The REAL you is the background.
The 'silent watcher'
The ever present NOW!
'You don't have a life, you ARE life!'
- Eckhart Tolle, The Power of NOW
Love my boy Eckhart! I listen to him while working out sometimes haha. Thank you for this, I appreciate it!
I'm a big fan of your UA-cam channel. A channel I found after finding out my cognitive stack is similar to yours. My diagnosis of alien came about because my world got flipped upside down with a lot of loss which lead to depression and anxiety. This caused me to do a deep evaluation of my life. I had to figure out what/who needed to be let go and what strengths I had at my disposal to lean on. All of this in the last 5 years. Very similar. Your channel has been educational as well as therapeutic for me. I've learned a lot about our function stack from you which is the educational part. More importantly I've learned that I'm not alone and felt a small sense of belonging/comradery which has been the therapeutic part. Thank you very very much. You are not alone. My advice is to keep moving forward by embracing the good that you have portrayed through your videos. Your girlfriend, your writing, your creative channels and everything else that brings you happiness will shed light in the darkness. Keep being your authentic self and you'll keep attracting what you need.
Thanks so much Shawn, and that absolutely sounds really familiar. Stay strong out there, we got this!
I have been hoping for this topic, thank you sir!
I can’t be the only one that has trouble with slamming the door….
Hope it made you think!
Sending you so much love. So sorry to hear that you were dealing with this grief, and I hope things have gotten better for you 💜
Hello Dave. I hope that things are going better for you now than 3 months ago. I had a period of my life I was forced to grief and let go a lot due to layering of some rather traumatic events. My intuition had been blunted and I stopped receiving any prompts from it. I was severely depressed and disoriented.Our tendency to overthinking is in a fact an organic fuel for rumination. As we know, the latter may extend the process of griefing to the limits of human endurance. It seemed that there was no accident in a repeating message from the therapist and a few friends who stayed with me about trying to be more present and mindful at all costs.However, for me -INFJ, who had to fought with dysthymia and GAD throughout my teenage and all adult life, it was not an easy task. It was then that I decided to return to the kind of creativity abandoned for years, which until then was giving my life meaning and organized it in some deceptable way. It is about writing poetry, as I am probably correctly guessing you are not at all surprised that we are talking about a kind of literary work. Tiring issues slowly began to recede into the background. My intuition woke up telling me it would be okay to get off my knees and go back to the path...I imagine you are a very busy person focused on promoting your book, but maybe this is a good time to think about writing another??? Just a thought... Best wishes. Take care.
Writing a letter to the person even if you don't send it helps.
David,I am so sorry to hear about the challenging experiences you shared in this video. I think it takes courage to be vulnerable like that. Here is a bit of a wisdom I gained during my difficult times especially to do with letting go of beliefs and people.
I used this statement almost as a mantra every time I was divulging into the past events . It was, "these thoughts and feelings will pass too". Acknowledging that you are hurting, accepting it, and then understanding that what you are experiencing right now is transient can be a powerful belief in my humble opinion. See if you can find assuring reminders like that for yourself.
That's a beautiful mantra, thank you for sharing!
I appreciate your transparency. I needed this video today. Thank you.
I totally get the "extended" hurt, pain, loss, depression that goes with loss of friendship. just one day I felt the grieving was over, about a year and a half for me, but I still get moments of wondering if "being too much" won't ever not be a thing...
Hello, INFP here. Thank you for posting videos. I totally adopted the "My sweet, sweet INFJ" phrase from you.
I've been watching and reading INFJ made content for some time, so that I could map how INFJs behave, speak, learn INFJs language use, and functions to understand them deeply, so that I could help my sweet INFJ friend to move forward. Wish my INFJ was english speaker so that I could show him the content I gather, and all the things I've learned...
Anyway, main culprit seems to be the Ni function (I call it cause and effect predictor) that craves for continuous life story. And when something outside of the inner representation "grand scheme of all the things" happens it has trouble of making sense of it. It tries to tie up loose ends, but can't make a story out of it.
Being INFP with somewhat developed Ne I'm more used to the constant feeling of hanging of the cliff with my life, no past, no good future in near sight, but still being able to deal with the present of a random tasks (Si) that I don't know where they going to lead to (inferior Te, and no Ni). Going through depression and not caring about anything myself made me realise that I just don't care about being depressed either, and made me stop trying to fix it. I instead went for "let's try to wing it" solution for life.
INFJs instead seem to need some kind of constant inner map of things (Ni) and possibly some kind of highly developed ENFP mentor (Ne parent). I've seen my INFJ being stuck, going in the circles while sticking to INFJ mentor that uses the same old framework. I don't know if his friendship with INTJ helps him in some kind as well.
Anyway I still don't know what to do. I'm trying to be present, non-judging and attentive listener for him (it seems that talking things out loudly and writing helps him to integrate the patterns).
Please let me know if anything I've written makes sense to you. I'm not native speaker, so I hope it at least is understandable.
Lots of love to all INFJs ❤️
Love my INFP cousins! Thank you!
I appreciate your thoughts on this (particular in terms of functions, so thank you for diving into that a little bit!)
First time to write, but have listened to/watched many, many of your videos. As a fellow alien, I don't think there is a single cut-and-dry answer. Also, I think each situation is so different from one another. Some create deeper scars than others and how we respond as INFJs is dependent on where we are on that spectrum, our maturity, and our ability to realize our own grieving/mourning/celebration/contemplation process. Personally, I went through such a terrible low in the ’00s, it sent me to the emergency room thinking there were heart problems and I still suffer from some falling asleep issues due to this time of my life. More recently, an adult (barely) child has left home in a very traumatic way, causing a whole new era of play/rewind episodes. But, as awful as this has been, I have coped better than I would 10-15 years ago. Knowing more about INFJs, which makes me know myself and watch for those triggers, has helped tremendously. People like you who are willing to be vulnerable truly help, too. (Thank you!) I suppose listing to others reminds the INFJ about other people living life and that we aren't in this alone and helping others "let go" reminds us to take our own medicine. Does that mean "I don't care"? Sometimes, it has to. I think we both would agree, we do care, but perhaps too much. Letting the reigns loose and remembering we are human too and that we deserve happiness is an important step in the process for me. That it's not always my fault, and often it's not about me or my fault in any way, shape, or form. Remembering to let that go is very helpful. Last, and this may be more controversial, but here goes: Prayer. My faith has helped me and God has definitely ministered to me through steadfastness of Himself and faith. Not sure any of that helps, but it's been my journey. I tell my kids when they are not learning or doing what they are supposed to: Be here now. This moment is the journey, this moment is what is important. If I keep this moment in the present and real, the destination will come sooner than I realize.
Thank you so much for these great thoughts and for speaking up! I appreciate you! It's true that we do tend to get perspective from other's vulnerability. It's a tough balance but to truly connect in this community it has been wonderful to throw myself out there and know I'm not alone, and help others they aren't either.
So glad you are here, so thank you!
let go of things with claw marks on them LOL
It's still letting go! 😂
I'm going through it right now. It is a terrifying experience. It is like you've been injured in a jungle full of man-eating dinosaurs. Each dinosaur is either your intuition, ego, thy true self, or the fear... You don't which one is which, but every decision or path your choose has consequences for not only yourself but everyone you care about and the people around you.
I was just watching Jurassic Park last night, so that's kind of hitting home as an analogy lol.
Sometime the intuition is profound. Sometimes it's lazy and pulls from current pop culture 😏
I just learned about this personality type last night and my mind is blown it's like someone's been following me around for years and taking notes. I've never really admitted it before but yes I have felt different from most people. I have been gorging on related videos and find it quite helpful and possibly healing
Oh. Youre one of Gen Xers very cool. Im 52 and long ago i was married and went sooo south took me forever to let it go. I was unhealthy like drugging unhealthy. Finding like minded folk huge help. Now sober for several years. Learned alot. Maybe its a case of "the more you suffer the more it shows you really care" but no. Could be the Fe. I hope to help younger INFJ and others but i havent figured out how.
GENX forever! ;-)
I am totally going through this right now with an enfj. But for a multitude of reasons there’s too much drama surrounding him and though nice he doesn’t care to be a friend or put any effort into friendship yet I’m having a hard time just walking away because we connected as friends on a level that not many are capable of..
I recently came across your you tube channel. Thank you for your insight and openness. I went thru the same as you with a series of events that threw me for a loop. It eventually caused severe depression and I had to seek help. Which was of no help. I was told in is normal to grieve for a period of time but you have to move on here take these pills. Your videos have helped me understand that I am not the only one who thinks like this. I still struggle with things popping into my head and cannot get them out. Sometimes is drags me down so far it is a challenge to find the positive things to focus on. You will find the special task , that special someone that can help you stay focused on the positive. Stay focused on the path forward. By the way I too was tested, at work actually and very odd, first time I was tested in this manner. I was given results I was INFJ the test results meant nothing until I listened to your videos. Sincerest thanks Pat
9 months after you posted this, I saw it. I very much identify with your issue of letting go. After many years of a tumultuous relationship with my sister, feeling that no matter what I did to try to be supportive of her during her 2 divorces and the death of her adult daughter, that nothing I ever did was enough, or correct .or welcome, I have finally come to understand it never will be. It took me a very long time to get here, but I finally understand my sister to be a narcissist. And I finally get that, for me to be healthy, I need her not to be in my life anymore. I am having a very hard time with this process of letting go.It hurts a lot. She is my sister and I still love her. She is my family and it feels wrong to let go, but I know I have to do it if I am going to be healthy. It's a work in progress.. I don't want to hurt her. But i can't allow her to keep hurting me. So, there it is. You asked, even if it was 9 months ago.P.S. Your videos have been a comfort, and I thank you for that. I did buy your book. I confess that supernatural anything is not really my cup of coffee, and I haven't read it yet. But I always try to support aspiring writers and I wish you much success.
It's SO hard when it's family, Rebecca. I totally get that. I am very glad the videos have resonated with you and absolutely appreciate you grabbing the book even if its not your preferred genre! Stay strong out there!
I have to say It took me a full six years as i lost my dad, mom & 16 year old cat within a 10 month period. My world was shook and the rug was pulled completely out from under me. They were my world, my life. I am single, by choice, and at this point I resigned from my job (high stress position) and moved 500+ miles away. I felt an immediate relief although I needed this new fresh start to work through my grief. I'm there finally to the acceptance stage, although I miss & think about them every day, I try to remember and hang on to the good times & memories. It's so much to process at once. I am also an INFJ. I am excited to be here & to learn & grow from you & your girlfriends posts. Thank you for sharing! It's so helpful! Appreciate you both!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience! It helps everyone to feel less alone!
David!You don’t have a clue,how much you are helping me to understand my self.That’s a clear A+.I hope that helps a lot for ‘letting go’.Thank you
I appreciate that so very much. Thank you!
Learn what you can from the experience, be honest with yourself and make improvements where you can.
The rest is history and every day is a new adventure.
Ive struggled with finding peace & acceptance in letting go due to death, loss of family, friends, health & career. The following quote has been a personal heart & mind saver; I hope you may find some solace in it too.✌️❣️ "You have to Love. You have to Feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples fall around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could." -Louise Erdrich
Wishing you healing & all the best.
Thank you so much for this wonderful comment! I appreciate you!
I want to send you much love and support David. I know this is hard, but it won't be like this forever. Try changing the story in your head when you are overthinking about it. As you are replaying your memory, add new information to decrease the emotional attachment to that story and then try ending your train of thought there. Allow yourself to feel your emotions but set a time limit. I will grieve for 5 minutes and then we can move on. Keep your chin up, you got this ❤️
Thank you Molly! I appreciate you!
Hey.. Thank you for telling us about your struggle.. Truly thank you we feel more connected to you fellow infj. I pray for you.. 🌷
Oh David, I’m so sorry for all of your suffering. Truly! I can absolutely relate as I too am going through that now as well. It suuuuuucks. I wish with my whole heart that I had some amazing words of wisdom to impart. I suppose the only thing I can say is that I do the best I can to just take it a day at a time. Sometimes an hour or minutes at a time. I remind myself that this too shall pass. It’s of little comfort as we drown in our endless rumination and heartache, but it’s something. We’re always harder on ourselves than we are to anyone else. Just know that you have a beautiful heart, you’ve helped so many people and are a light where the world needs it. With so many miserable jerks out there that don’t have that capacity to even understand the concept of empathy, we’re already a huge asset to this world just by being a light. Stay strong, brother mine. You are loved! Man that ruminating cycle is a bitch!
Hi Angela! That ruminating cycle IS a bitch for sure. And I find that I make progress but then find the tiniest little trigger that feels like it sets me back to the beginning. Like Chutes and Ladders - I always hated that board game! Haha.
Trying hard to keep looking forward and stay positive but some days that awful voice drags me down. Stay strong out there with me and we'll get through this stuff, I know it! Positive vibes all the way!
@@DavidBadurina lol omgggg me too. Damn triggers. Fine to miserable in seconds flat! 🤦🏼♀️ It’s exhausting. Screw that yammering incessant voice. Been listening to Lewis Black rant about stuff and he helps me feel a little vented somehow 😂. My guilty pleasure. I’m hanging in right there with you, my dear. I’m so happy you have J by your side too. Having someone that sees you is vital as I feel so much of the pain comes from feeling so invalidated. You’re wonderful, my dear. Baby steps. We’ll get there!
Ps- yes, Chutes and Ladders is maddening. I put it right up there with candy corn and circus peanuts 😝😂 ops- I’ll have you know that whenever I see candy corn now I giggle and think of you. Hang in there, David. We’ve got you! ❤️
AND ... don't even get me started on Candyland! UGH. Also, I'm going to need to add black licorice to the list of gross foods. 😂
@@DavidBadurina I’m one of the few freaks of nature that actually likes black licorice. 😂 Don’t judge meeeeeeeeeee! 🤣
In the past few years, I've had to detox from people in my life. I ended a friendship I had since 4th grade that I felt was no longer serving me & felt like she wasn't a true friend when I needed her most. It was very hard for me cause we've been friends for so long and I felt tremendous guilt. Like the INFJ that I am, I never told her why I stopped talking to her cause I didn't want to confront it. It makes me sad & hurt even more cause she never asked why. I'm also letting go of my narcissistic mother, and I'm not sure if this means no contact or minimal contact. I'm having a real hard time letting go of all the things that were said & done to me but I keep saying to myself, they know not what they do when I feel triggered. This also goes for my narc ex-husband.
Dear David, thank you for your video, I wish I could give you advise as you are always here for me , however you know how I struggle with this still every day with my sister. I reached out to her partner in the week and the silence was my final indication that she cut me out and off completely.
I started with hypnosis regarding resentment again. It worked in the past, however It is a minute by minute struggle to correct my thought patterns not to run away with one thought(emotion) and spiral down
some moments and days are better and more manageable than others.
Control the thought is the key, for me I would say...... I take baby steps now that I know that even her partner will not let me know how she's doing , .... I have to let go. will always love her
thank you as always for the difference you make, in just leaving a comment you always seem to create a space for me to not feel but think ... ( this as you know , took a long! time to write , stare off into space , all the small kinesthetic things we do to process a thought
Have an amazing weekend
love always to you and Jaclynn
Much love back Erika, thank you for this!
As INFJ we are rejected 1000 times and more and every time it hurts why can we just be immune to the heart break!?
I personally think trying to manage something like impact, which is beyond control, can be the basis for exacerbating pain. the idea of closure itself is something which can come to torment people beyond the direct pain of their circumstances. I think the best we can honestly reach for is acceptance and awareness of impact. triggers are beyond conscious control by nature, and the most important thing is being aware of them to minimize how they direct our behavior with projection that isn't in alignment with our intention. there are some wounds that will never go away. time and perspective turn injury into wisdom but wisdom doesn't remove the heartache, it just guides us in managing it and moving forward. the most important thing is to be secure in your own choices so that you can live with yourself. if there is something in the past you regret about your own behavior, find some way to address it, even if it's only on a symbolic level. life is a constant series of having to accept limitations beyond your control and one of those is managing emotional impact. It may not sound inspiring to have to accept pain as a part of yourself but it's the truth. everything you invest in caring about is a risk and that's what creates meaning. find a way to be able to hold on to what matters, alone, which includes bearing the price of pain. it's kind of like breaking a bone. you have to accept and care for the wound, giving yourself time to regain function. if you struggle against the injury, you will do more damage. learn how to live with it by taking care of yourself and you will become a new person with time. one who bears the scars of injury but survived. it changes you but also for the better. those who have suffered have deeper compassion to give, wisdom to share, and love to experience. it's a responsibility but it can be a fulfilling one. deepening meaning and understanding also heightens appreciation and gratitude in life ☺️ think of closure in terms of making sure you're in alignment with what's in your control and otherwise, focus on acceptance. it opens you up to focus on growth.
Thank you so much for these beautiful thoughts! It really is complicated and I think at the end of the day all any of us really want is peace. It's a constant path!
Going through a similar ordeal I lost someone so special to me, I hurt her based on something I was battling with, so sometimes am just overthinking and being hard on myself, also not willing to let go yet she already was
I’ve read some psychology articles-even one for INFJ’s, which describes this as a manifestation of the Ni-Ti loop. It’s a strange thing that the INFJ can often easily walk away from a relationship that isn’t working but then, there are times when we just *cannot* let it go. Those are the people we were deeply attached to, who badly wounded us.
Anyway, the articles suggested getting a new hobby or returning to an old one, listening to music and/or dancing, getting out into nature. These do help but sometimes seem like too much effort when you’re depressed. I found shadow work has helped me the most: accepting the dark side or disowned self. The parts of the other we dislike are the parts of ourselves we don’t accept.
I worked out a method for getting to the unknown aspects-what I’m hiding from myself. Basically self hypnosis, where, for 10 minutes, I put on some binaural beats, which help you get into the theta brainwave rhythm, take time to drop down into it, slowing breathing and relaxing. Then, I ask a single question, like, what is it that’s keeping me stuck. I may or may not get an immediate answer but tell myself that if the answer doesn’t come in the session, it will come later. Also, I’ve found it can be good to just go with what pops into my head when I start the relaxation process. If it’s a person, say, then letting thoughts come about them will often lead to an answer.
I picked up some tricks from hypnotists on UA-cam-some triggers-not the bad kind but words you say to yourself or movements that will (overtime) automatically start the relaxation process.
I’ve also been using it for affirmations to change beliefs and behaviours and had success with these for the first time ever. This may all sound very weird but I’ve had success working on a massive issue that was right there in my face, yet, I got myself to believe it no longer existed.
I definitely have tried shifting my focus through things, and recently trying some meditative exercises which I do believe are helping me calm down. Thank you for these great thoughts!
I think you´re grieving your lost friendship, it´s like any grief process. It takes what time it takes. But finally it will become a part of your life, you can remember without sorrow or pain, or unfairness. It will become a beautiful memory and part of your story. This is how I believe. You have grief over grief. ..Like, too much is too much. And you know this all already, but I still want to say it, you are doing a good job, there is no timetable in the grieving process. You are doing fine and you have support and you have a right to be weak, as we all know being able to be weak is actually our strength. Thank you for sharing these things with us. I actually comment the 1st time ever on yt. Ill tell you this to make you feel maybe good about yourself. I found you after i watched all the (we shall not mention the name but FJ´s) OLD videos. And I´m so happy I found you, I need this to help me ground myself when times get challenging, and they get that a lot :D TC you all!
There's been so much grieving around here lately I'm not sure I'm recognizing anything else! Thank you so much for the compliment (and the not naming names naming haha). I'm glad when anything I say resonates. I appreciate you!