I actually knew a guy who had a burglar in his house. He had just got out of the shower, and he was a big collector of stuff from Medieval and Renaissance fairs. When he heard someone was in the house, he stripped off what clothes he had on, grabbed a big-ass claymore, and ran screaming through the house yelling "HAIL SATAAAAAAAN!!!" at the top of his lungs. As it turns out, most burglars aren't prepared to be attacked by a naked screeching guy with a sword, and tend to run away.
***** I was just running through what I'd do. Then I read this. Man from the pub who helped me with my garden left his machete with my gardening tools. I'm pretty naked thanks to the heat. All I'm missing is a good 'Hail Satan' voice. I'm almost ready. Burglars beware.
***** ive got lots of katanas. So ill strip to underwear grab my katana and run at him screaming "praise be to allah" LOL that would scare the shit out of him
+simpsonsim07 when it happened to me, I couldn't find any weapons so I used a skillet a crock pot and an oven door before I finished with a fork. the prosecutor said that was a lucky choice because weapons that look like weapons are likely to get a defender in trouble.
My sisters solution was awesome. Her first apartment in college, she put a note on the front door. It read thusly, "Dear potential burglar, I'm not worth robbing. I'm an unemployed art major in college. I don't have a TV or stereo, just some art supplies, a lumpy mattress, and non-working game boy circa 1985 that's covered in paint. My microwave was maybe $20 brand new, and it barely works. Just save us both the trouble and pick one of the trust fund kids."
This is why I never fix cosmetic issues that don't affect function. When I had a car, the door handle broke. So I jerry-rigged an Allen wrench in there and had a new door handle that both worked and warded off potential car thieves.
A friend of the family in Argentina was heavily pregnant when she confronted a burglar. She stood to full height and said in an authoritative voice "young man you should be ashamed of yourself. Put that down right now and go home". He did the sign of tye cross and ran out. My mum reckons that he thought he had seen a vision of the Virgin Mary!! 😂😂😂😂
The thought of running into a really big, angry person is sure to be a deterrent to a break in. After I moved out, and my dad passed on, my mom asked me for a pair of my old boots (I wear a size 16). She put them on the mud tray, on the outside of the front door. No one ever tried to break in.
@@India.H many comedians do the same thing but they move on to their main material quickly after that. Dara uses the audience as material as if he planned this ahead. Similar to Russell Peters, in a way.
@patrick gabrielson I would say they’re both top tier at incorporating the audience. Jimmy tends to incorporate the audience’s mothers quite a bit, while Dara is more of a teasing tone. Don’t get me wrong, everyone knows they’re both joking (well, almost everyone). I’m in the US and really can’t think of a comic here who does this sort of interaction as much or as well.
Ireland may be a more matriarchal society than the UK, in the sense of "Mom rules the family and a grown man will still listen to his mother." Kind of like southern Italy.
Evi1M4chine If an Irish mother got told by someone she knows in the town that their son was trying to rob their home, that man would be in the deep deep trouble. Like the other guy said Ireland is quite a matriarchal society, mum rules the home.
If you're being burgled, go up to them naked and say: "Where have you been? You're late, we're all upstairs waiting. Come on'. It'll freak the life out of them.
AD04 a lot of people don’t realise this but when Muslims say Allah it actually refers to the same Abrahamic God that Christians and Jews worship. When Islam started they were living in a polytheistic society so they needed a way to specify that they were talking about actual God not one of the many idols that the people around them called gods so they said Allah, which translates in English into ‘the one true God’. The foundation of both Christianity and Jewdaism is also an integral part of Islam. Many of the events in the bible are also referred to in the Quran. I don’t think you meant to say that God is a false demigod.
The whole peekaboo thing has become such an ongoing joke with a friend of mine that I recorded just that bit and made it into a ringtone for my cell phone.
I can control all of my lights, heating, and a central audio system from my phone, I would just flicker the lights, turn up the heating, play some creepy doll music, or maybe some death metal as loud as it will let me.
Dara actually did exactly that once (with creepy doll music) to prank his wife from another country. His wife phoned him shortly after and told him she was on call (being a surgeon) at the hospital, but the babysitter was freaking out. Naturally, it became part of his routine.
@@ab14967 burglars ain't hackers, but stupid people are everywhere, so sooner or later, someone comes to the most idiotic conclusions about anything that dips a toe in the puddle of their minds
@@benjaminfoster7560 don't forget the furious masturbation to complete the picture. I think that should have folk overtaking Usain Bolt...or you will get a lot more invites to parties.
Or, walk slowly towards him while speaking backwards, eyes rolled back, head slightly tilted to the side and get progressively louder as you come near to him.
My cousin (6"4, muscular dude) once heard someone in his house so he stripped naked and ran into the room with a frying pan screaming "the doctor will see you now!!". That worked pretty well.
If Dara had a burglar, he could just burst open the door and yell as loud as he could and scare the absolute shit out of anyone. They'd either think it was a massive bald bear, or shrek.
Easily you just shout - "Shit, you're robbing the place too? Goddamn. The people who live here must be rich. Help me lift the TV bruv." Then when you're holding it drop it on his toe.
I was at a show and shouted "an aroused moan" (my idea being that the idea of unrequited and aggressive sexual conduct would be scary for a burglar) as a suggestion. I ended up having to perform my idea of what such an aroused moan would sound like, much to Dara's amusement. I went to the show with my father, who sat next to me. Cheeks did flush with blood.
I stopped an attempted burglary when I was eight. I'd fallen asleep on the couch while watching TV with my parents in the den, which faced the back garden through a sliding glass door. I woke up around 2 a.m. to see two hunched, dark figures. It took me a while to determine that they weren't animals but people trying to force the bolt on the back door. I had a plan, but as backup I grabbed a poker in case of a physical confrontation and the phone if it became necessary to dial the police. Reasoning that they'd be fairly anxious trying to break in without being detected, I decided that making a sudden loud noise and then flashing on the outside lights would probably scare them off. And that's exactly what I did. I banged five times on the glass with my fist as hard as my 8-year-old body could manage and then flicked the lights on and dove out of sight, so they wouldn't see their opponent was just a little boy. It was a tense couple of minutes before I decided to put my head out and see if it worked, but it did. They had run off, leaving only a little bit of damage to the wood of the door jamb as a testament to ever having been there.
I've got a cane. Of course, I use for walking these days, but I've had to put a couple of would be robbers in hospital with it too. The secret is to only strike once. That way the police only charge the injured mugger. It's hard to be that restrained under those circumstances, but it's better than being busted for being excessively aggressive on your would be victimiser. See, the cops don't like letting anyone else have any of that kind of fun. They feel entitled to be the only people in society allowed to boot fuck someone for shits and giggles
I hide knives around my house. Have done since I was much too young to be using knives. And considering I laugh hysterically when I'm scared, I reckon I'd come off kore unsettling than him.
+Ray McGrath I keep a pair of baseball bats with the handles sticking out in my closet for just such an occasion. Granted I was never very good at hitting baseballs with them but I think hitting a human being would be much easier.
+LemonZeppelin Depends if they have weapons or not. If they are prepared to attack someone because they think they could get away with it, then being naked only makes it easier... That said, if you charge them while naked and screaming incoherent shite at them, they're probably gonna panic.
***** True, a naked person would easily be killed. But then again there are two reasons to fear a naked person. 1) They KNOW that they have left a lot of soft-spots open and thus have some kind of plan for that, or they're just that badass they don't need protection. 2) They DON'T know that they have left a lot of soft-spots open, implying they are batshit crazy. Nobody wants to fight a person like that.
if he is on the other side of a door, got a fire axe or something like that, and start to smash open the door, I guarantee you he will be running for the nearest window
Last week I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of a break in. I draped a big floaty scarf over my shoulders, then proceeded to screech and thunder downstairs. When I reached the living room, I locked eyes with him and continued my performance. Judging by the smell that lingered after he left, pretty sure he shat himself
As per statistics in the US, if there's an intruder in the house at night, that intruder is going to be of the violent variety. That intruder is not there JUST for the valuables, and you need to get out as fast as possible. The ones that break in during daylight hours, while most people are at work, are the smash and grab type burglars.
I once suspected a room-mate of stealing my paycheques. I knew he was very religious, so I searched for some satanic symbols online and drew them on the envelope, alongside some made-up Latin. For good measure, I hid the envelope inside a dvd box, which was inside my padlocked backpack. When I came back from work, my backpack looked untouched. I opened it, the envelope wasn't there -it was as if it had disappeared. I was starting to panic when my other room-mate, with the envelope in hand, said he'd found it on the floor. My guess: the thieving bastard picked my lock, hastily took the envelope, put everything back where it was, but then realised the cheque had pentagrams and the other stuff. He then, got scared and tossed it.
+Robin Banks No. It'd be BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG click. And then we'd have a dead kid (the shooters own), and two wounded neighbours (from bullets going wide) while the burglar would be running for the hills.
MikkoB89 I'm not talking being able to see the target. I'm talking about the average civilian not being able to make calm, calculated decisions in a stressful situation (like said civilian being burgled)
So, it's Christmas time, 1981. I'm a 21 year old sailor living in an apartment with two other guys from my squadron in a marginal neighborhood just outside of San Diego (Imperial Beach, to be exact). It was a low-income neighborhood, populated by a mix of retirees, mechanics, dope dealers, sailors and other sketchy types. During the day, the place was ok, but nights were different. The neighborhood was prone to auto and house burglaries. The entrance to the apartment was in a dirt alley which doubled as a parking area. My room mate had is car broken into and stereo stolen while parked there one night as did a couple neighbors. One night, as we drove up the alley after getting off duty (this was like around 2AM), we caught the beach rat whom we'd seen lurking around the neighborhood before trying to hide from our headlights. We figured him for the auto burglar. So what I'm getting at is that it was a dicey neighborhood. Anyway, it's Christmas time and I've just come back from Christmas leave. Both my other room mates are still on leave. One room mate (Ken) left for leave the day I came home, the other room mate wasn't due back from his Xmas leave for 4 more days. Around 2AM I heard the door knob on the front door rattle. I sat upright in bed wondering if I'd imagined it. Then I heard it rattle again followed by what sounded like the door being shouldered in. No way did I imagine that. So I jumped out of bed and loaded my Colt M1911 .45, including putting a round in the tube. I leaned out my doorway and thought "Ok, all the lights are off but if this is Ken or Matt, they will turn the lights on as they make their way into and through the apartment". Nope, whomever it was didn't turn on any lights. My heart was pounding. Through the darkness I could see this hulking form weaving side-to-side as he made his way down the hallway towards my bedroom. I took careful aim, center of mass, and started to pull the trigger. Then something inside me said "Wait. Give this fucker ONE chance". So I cycled the thumb safety on my pistol on then off. The image stopped about 10 feet short of me. Once again, I started to apply pressure slowly to the trigger when I heard out of the darkness "Mike????". Jesus, it was my room mate Matt coming home from Xmas leave FOUR DAYS EARLY!!! That just doesn't happen in the Navy. No sailor EVER reports back to his command EARLY. Now, the thing is, Matt and I didn't get along too well and I have to confess that the thought of pulling the trigger anyway did cross my mind, if only for the briefest of moments, but I knew I'd land at least 7 years in Portsmouth Naval Prison, so I wished him a Merry Christmas and told him how close he came to being shot dead. So, if you are ever in the same situation, and if you've a gun, see how the burglar reacts to the click-click of a safety being cycled.
Haha that'd work in Newfoundland as well. Well, maybe not St.John's, but "I knows yer mudder..." would definitely work for most Newfie burglars I imagine, if that's a thing that exists. That or "How's yer fadder?"
my mum's had trouble sleeping lately. I heard a noise from the kitchen, and thought she must be up there, but when I walked past her room, I realised she was asleep there. no one else in the house. went upstairs kind of creeped out, and screamed when my cat patted me in the face as I walked past the banister.
Couldn't help but think that with modern home automation, you probably _could_ back up "peekaboo" with some jack in the box music, and possibly the lights switching on but in a flickering red rather than a normal white. Throw in some infrasound and the burglar will really start shitting themselves!
I actually knew a guy who had a burglar in his house. He had just got out of the shower, and he was a big collector of stuff from Medieval and Renaissance fairs. When he heard someone was in the house, he stripped off what clothes he had on, grabbed a big-ass claymore, and ran screaming through the house yelling "HAIL SATAAAAAAAN!!!" at the top of his lungs.
As it turns out, most burglars aren't prepared to be attacked by a naked screeching guy with a sword, and tend to run away.
***** I was just running through what I'd do. Then I read this.
Man from the pub who helped me with my garden left his machete with my gardening tools. I'm pretty naked thanks to the heat. All I'm missing is a good 'Hail Satan' voice.
I'm almost ready. Burglars beware.
***** ive got lots of katanas. So ill strip to underwear grab my katana and run at him screaming "praise be to allah" LOL that would scare the shit out of him
qualandrew201494 Oh, whoa. That might backfire when they call the coppers on you, though.
***** Don't do it in the U.S.
+simpsonsim07 when it happened to me, I couldn't find any weapons so I used a skillet a crock pot and an oven door before I finished with a fork. the prosecutor said that was a lucky choice because weapons that look like weapons are likely to get a defender in trouble.
"Get tae fuck" is the only realistic answer here.
My sisters solution was awesome. Her first apartment in college, she put a note on the front door. It read thusly,
"Dear potential burglar,
I'm not worth robbing. I'm an unemployed art major in college. I don't have a TV or stereo, just some art supplies, a lumpy mattress, and non-working game boy circa 1985 that's covered in paint. My microwave was maybe $20 brand new, and it barely works. Just save us both the trouble and pick one of the trust fund kids."
Sean McTiernan 😂🙏🏽
I did something similar; 'The rich kid's in the room opposite'
If I was robbing your sisters apartment and I saw that note, I'd go rob the rich kids and leave a few thousand dollars under your sisters door.
Dean McTierman--You're assuming the intruder can read.
This is why I never fix cosmetic issues that don't affect function.
When I had a car, the door handle broke. So I jerry-rigged an Allen wrench in there and had a new door handle that both worked and warded off potential car thieves.
"Hey,. you're robbing this place too?"
Oi! I was here first!
A friend of the family in Argentina was heavily pregnant when she confronted a burglar. She stood to full height and said in an authoritative voice "young man you should be ashamed of yourself. Put that down right now and go home". He did the sign of tye cross and ran out.
My mum reckons that he thought he had seen a vision of the Virgin Mary!! 😂😂😂😂
Dara is 6'5. I'm pretty sure a burglar isn't going to mess around upon sight of a giant
Who would want to take on the MegaBus Man?
The thought of running into a really big, angry person is sure to be a deterrent to a break in. After I moved out, and my dad passed on, my mom asked me for a pair of my old boots (I wear a size 16). She put them on the mud tray, on the outside of the front door. No one ever tried to break in.
I never saw a comedian play a game with the audience and let them make the jokes, originality at its finest
Earth Is A Donut You obviously haven't watched many comedians of Dara's genre then 😂
@@India.H many comedians do the same thing but they move on to their main material quickly after that. Dara uses the audience as material as if he planned this ahead. Similar to Russell Peters, in a way.
Earth Is A Donut Karijokie
Jimmy Carr is the best at that though
@patrick gabrielson I would say they’re both top tier at incorporating the audience. Jimmy tends to incorporate the audience’s mothers quite a bit, while Dara is more of a teasing tone. Don’t get me wrong, everyone knows they’re both joking (well, almost everyone).
I’m in the US and really can’t think of a comic here who does this sort of interaction as much or as well.
"I know your mother."
"SHITE!"
or; "I SHAGGED YOUR BROTHER!"
"You and every other adult in Ireland, by this point. How could you not have heard of my brother by now?"
Ireland may be a more matriarchal society than the UK, in the sense of "Mom rules the family and a grown man will still listen to his mother." Kind of like southern Italy.
Evi1M4chine If an Irish mother got told by someone she knows in the town that their son was trying to rob their home, that man would be in the deep deep trouble. Like the other guy said Ireland is quite a matriarchal society, mum rules the home.
The safest people in Britain must be the people who have built themselves functioning full-size daleks.
I cannot confirm or deny that.
With a working lazer
Yeah, Daleks go up and down stairs so easily. 🙄
Leo from Freo someone never saw the newer versions
eraZure I’m pretty sure he meant the real animatronics can’t fucking “elevate”
If you're being burgled, go up to them naked and say:
"Where have you been? You're late, we're all upstairs waiting. Come on'.
It'll freak the life out of them.
And if not, could make for a better night either way if they're keen.
This works with your freinds too! They waste no time to run away from the naked you
@@j-j-jingles4797 can confirm tested thoroughly, now have no friends.
Someone broke into my house looking for money, I would just laugh and help them look
Nice copy and paste from Facebook there
Same here. But god help him if he brought his wallet.
Fredrik Larsson no
@@ShasOSwoll , almost as if some jokes became classics because a lot of people find them funny
50/50 split?
"Are you paying too much for your car insurance?"
GO COMPARE!!!!!
I'm saving private Ryan.. money on his car insurance
Hugh Dennis!!
That would only work if he'd been sleeping with Hugh Dennis
Cashier number 3!
"Hello there, do you have a moment for our lord Jesus Christ?"
scythenstetson I think "praise Allah" would work better
No because he's a false demi god
AD04 a lot of people don’t realise this but when Muslims say Allah it actually refers to the same Abrahamic God that Christians and Jews worship. When Islam started they were living in a polytheistic society so they needed a way to specify that they were talking about actual God not one of the many idols that the people around them called gods so they said Allah, which translates in English into ‘the one true God’. The foundation of both Christianity and Jewdaism is also an integral part of Islam. Many of the events in the bible are also referred to in the Quran. I don’t think you meant to say that God is a false demigod.
I don’t talk to my Mexican gardener, so no. I don’t have any time for him.
That would get me out.
The whole peekaboo thing has become such an ongoing joke with a friend of mine that I recorded just that bit and made it into a ringtone for my cell phone.
I'd love that! Always make me laugh so hard thinking about it!
I want that too! How do you do that?
I thought she said "CHEESE DIPPERS"
I can control all of my lights, heating, and a central audio system from my phone, I would just flicker the lights, turn up the heating, play some creepy doll music, or maybe some death metal as loud as it will let me.
Louisa Bell youre a genius
@Kieran H If your house burglar is a hacker to that level... that guy is doing the damn wrong kind of crime.
Dara actually did exactly that once (with creepy doll music) to prank his wife from another country. His wife phoned him shortly after and told him she was on call (being a surgeon) at the hospital, but the babysitter was freaking out.
Naturally, it became part of his routine.
@@ab14967 burglars ain't hackers, but stupid people are everywhere, so sooner or later, someone comes to the most idiotic conclusions about anything that dips a toe in the puddle of their minds
Just walk in Naked and be like, "Evening"
+MrJohnycomelately21 "when shall we start" ;)
MrJohnycomelately21 haha what if ur a girl tho
When you are naked your defense is zero but your attack strength doubles.
*Evenin'
Your defense is 200%. In the words of Rodney Carrington "Noone wants to fight a naked man"
Step forward, naked and shout "at last you've come. I've been waiting for so long". I hasten to add I am 6 foot three.
Peter Mirtitsch I'm 6 foot 5, I'll remember this one :D
@@benjaminfoster7560 don't forget the furious masturbation to complete the picture. I think that should have folk overtaking Usain Bolt...or you will get a lot more invites to parties.
"HEY KIDS, WANNA SEE A DEAD BODY?!"
Just slowly move towards him and speak latin.
wut
Are you trying to make him think that you're a witch?
Adam Stringer The trick is to let his imagination work for me :D
+Nazael Rahl ET TV, BVRGLARVS?
Or, walk slowly towards him while speaking backwards, eyes rolled back, head slightly tilted to the side and get progressively louder as you come near to him.
just casually open ther door and say hello sexy, then yell steve grab the chloroform and the nipple clamps we have got another one
Very Pulp Fiction. "Bring out the gimp!"
that's gas
"If you could spare me just a minute of your time, I would like to talk to you about the wonder and power of our lord and savior Jesus Christ."
that can scare me out of my own house lol
+pfalky2k "Shit, the Mormons are here!" *dives out the window*
+Izumi Koushiro OMG yeaaaasssssssssssssssssssss
CAN I TALK TO YOU ABOUT OUR LORD AND DEVOURER CTHULHU.
I listened to this show for the first time while driving and I almost had to pull off the road when "Peek-A-Boo" came up.
My cousin (6"4, muscular dude) once heard someone in his house so he stripped naked and ran into the room with a frying pan screaming "the doctor will see you now!!". That worked pretty well.
That happened
With the recent addition of the video game pubg I can see that being quite possible
If only he would have shouted "panman" while rushing him
I hope to god that's true
And then discovered the intruder was his darling mother stopped by for a visit.
If Dara had a burglar, he could just burst open the door and yell as loud as he could and scare the absolute shit out of anyone.
They'd either think it was a massive bald bear, or shrek.
Or the Megabus man.
You know what was freaky? that wolf noise after the video.@_@
yeah, I was all " aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh " after that
sounds like they did that themselves :/ strange
That scared the fuck out of me, much more then the peek a boo!
Ikr but look at his username it makes sense
I was watching it in the dark. using headphones...
A shout out in wolves for the “what could you say in Ireland to scare the burglar?”
“Is that you Patrick”
Class
I would record the entire burglary then put shitty, red captions over the top of it in case you missed the key moments in the video.
Haha yes
Aww, cmon. I’m thrilled they took the time to post it.
@Brandon O'Connell Bore da, fella. Too effing hot to sleep! 😂
I'M GENUINELY CRYING. Funniest man ever!
"Do you enjoy the music... of showaddywaddy?"
Everyone was having a nice light-hearted conversation and you have to drag it down into the gutter with that filth.
"You must leave now! The Ice Queen is coming!"
WalterLiddy creating narnia?
How about re-enacting the "Spanish inquisition" routine? The burglar would wet himself.
in the darkness just say in a sinister voice oh mother we have another visitor to play with get the things ready
+frustratednomad Knock knock, peek-a-boo, oh mother... What creepy shit is gonna come up next?
+angryboy2k9 In Hugh Dennis' voice: "Hello, I'm Dara O'Briain, I would like to talk to *you* about Mock the Week!"
Henrik Høyrup
Hugh Dennis trying to make an Irish accent... it doesn't work, but it still makes something beautiful.
Am I the only one who heard "Cup of tea father" hahahahahaha
Feck! Arse! Girls! Drink!
Father Ted?
Ashley Cross DRRENK
Go on... Go on.... Go on....
I'm here because of the PEEK - A - BOO :D :D :D
macopis04 your neither the first nor the last !!!!
hahahaha i bet!
macopis04 That and the "knock knock", hahaha. This clip is so hilarious.
+macopis04 I think the only way to make that scary is by being Jack Nicholson brandishing an axe.
press 7 on your keyboard
when i saw this section on the dvd and it came to the peak-a-boo part i was in stitches for a good five minutes. still gets me every time
That burgler wasn't just polite; he was Canadian.
Easily you just shout - "Shit, you're robbing the place too? Goddamn. The people who live here must be rich. Help me lift the TV bruv." Then when you're holding it drop it on his toe.
Drop it on his toe? You probably have a TV to spare...*facepalm*
I work in a Haunted House, I'd just pull my routine on the burgler.
Private my friend once jumped out on a haunted house actor and got kicked out.
Private how would that work XD everyone can tell a haunted house is fake af
I used to work at a mortuary and can pretty much pull off the same stunt...
"Did you hear anything odd just then, Mr Pistorius?"
"you're 20 minutes late, where the fuck is my pizza?!"
I'd shout "Hands up!". I might not have a gun but I do have a crossbow.
I was at a show and shouted "an aroused moan" (my idea being that the idea of unrequited and aggressive sexual conduct would be scary for a burglar) as a suggestion. I ended up having to perform my idea of what such an aroused moan would sound like, much to Dara's amusement.
I went to the show with my father, who sat next to me.
Cheeks did flush with blood.
Aroused Moan is basically a Kenneth Williams impression, no?
@@fluchterschoen Boy, that gives new meaning to the lyrics of Lady In Red
I stopped an attempted burglary when I was eight. I'd fallen asleep on the couch while watching TV with my parents in the den, which faced the back garden through a sliding glass door. I woke up around 2 a.m. to see two hunched, dark figures. It took me a while to determine that they weren't animals but people trying to force the bolt on the back door. I had a plan, but as backup I grabbed a poker in case of a physical confrontation and the phone if it became necessary to dial the police.
Reasoning that they'd be fairly anxious trying to break in without being detected, I decided that making a sudden loud noise and then flashing on the outside lights would probably scare them off. And that's exactly what I did. I banged five times on the glass with my fist as hard as my 8-year-old body could manage and then flicked the lights on and dove out of sight, so they wouldn't see their opponent was just a little boy. It was a tense couple of minutes before I decided to put my head out and see if it worked, but it did. They had run off, leaving only a little bit of damage to the wood of the door jamb as a testament to ever having been there.
I'd yell out in a real deep, slow voice: "DEATH BY SNU SNU!"
If I were the burglar in that case, I would hang around. Best way to die
Okay, I'll admit it. The moment he asked 'What kind of world do we build behind the door?' the first thing that popped into my own head was 'Narnia!'.
what would I do if a burglar was in the house?
*Glances behind him to his collection of medieval weapons*
make a burglar real nervous
I've got a cane. Of course, I use for walking these days, but I've had to put a couple of would be robbers in hospital with it too. The secret is to only strike once. That way the police only charge the injured mugger. It's hard to be that restrained under those circumstances, but it's better than being busted for being excessively aggressive on your would be victimiser. See, the cops don't like letting anyone else have any of that kind of fun. They feel entitled to be the only people in society allowed to boot fuck someone for shits and giggles
Take longclaw from the wall and run shouting "for the watch."
@Paul Regan ‘in the name of house Stark’ x
The funny thing is I do own a full size dalek with lights and a vocoder
😂😂👍
Id scream:
“LÉIGH ANOIS go cúramach, ar do scrúdpháipéar, na treoracha agus na ceisteanna a ghabhann le Cuid A”
Best thing I've seen in a UA-cam comment this week xD
Or just the beep that comes after that. 15 years later that is all I can remember from sitting those exams
BAHAHAHAHAHAHA LMAO PLEASE I REMEMBER IT SO VIVIDLY
* It puts the lotion in the basket... *
Preferably before the burglar finds the light switch.
What do you suppose the odds are that the burglar's never heard that line, and wouldn't immediately recognise it, hmm?
Home Alone has taught us what to do in this situation
The barking was adorable! The burglar would totally steal that dog too. -:)
Iwould just go "Oooh, fresh meat!"
I hide knives around my house. Have done since I was much too young to be using knives. And considering I laugh hysterically when I'm scared, I reckon I'd come off kore unsettling than him.
+Ray McGrath I keep a pair of baseball bats with the handles sticking out in my closet for just such an occasion. Granted I was never very good at hitting baseballs with them but I think hitting a human being would be much easier.
+Cody Hines It's amazing how many people just freeze in place, extend their arms and make a stupid face when you take a swing at them.
Ray McGrath really? not even protect themselves with their arms?
Ray; *took off my clothes and casually quipped:
"You're here earlier than i expected, let's get started" :)
say "do exactly what I say. I'd rather not turn this rape into a muder."
Sounds like Jimmy Carr lol
RemnantOfThePast that's Jimmy caars chat up line
Omar Khan it's cause it is
I would say 'Ah, I've been expecting you'
I don't have a cat so I'll have to stroke my toy snake instead
ooo that gave me an idea. id let my three snakes loose in the room and RELEASE THE LIZARDS!!! mwahahaha
then id say nothing... id just laugh and laugh
Is toy snake a euphemism?
ohman
everytime I see this the "Get tae fuck" cracks me the fuck up
7:19
Oh Irish people, you are the best....
The fucking best!
at 6:00 I was legitimately reduced to a teary-eyed mess on the floor, unable to breathe through my own choking laughter.
I'd just open the door very fast and would angrily shout "Who's there" with the craziest and most intimidating stance I could think of
MasterShakeXYZ At your mom's.
I would just get naked. Nobody wants to rob the naked guy.
+LemonZeppelin Depends if they have weapons or not. If they are prepared to attack someone because they think they could get away with it, then being naked only makes it easier...
That said, if you charge them while naked and screaming incoherent shite at them, they're probably gonna panic.
*****
True, a naked person would easily be killed. But then again there are two reasons to fear a naked person.
1) They KNOW that they have left a lot of soft-spots open and thus have some kind of plan for that, or they're just that badass they don't need protection.
2) They DON'T know that they have left a lot of soft-spots open, implying they are batshit crazy. Nobody wants to fight a person like that.
TY so much for uploading this! I still cry laughing at this part and I'm still surprised it hasn't been posted before.
if he is on the other side of a door, got a fire axe or something like that, and start to smash open the door, I guarantee you he will be running for the nearest window
I would be as quiet as possible to get to the door, the burglar opens the door and in the creepiest way I could, I would simply say...
Boo!
Ahahahaha!
+johannes nordeng why don't you shout "Heeeeere's Johnny!" too while you're at it
excellent... perfect timing, i was just about to run out of ingredients....
Last week I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of a break in. I draped a big floaty scarf over my shoulders, then proceeded to screech and thunder downstairs. When I reached the living room, I locked eyes with him and continued my performance. Judging by the smell that lingered after he left, pretty sure he shat himself
An ecstatic breathy, "Oh, at last!"
As per statistics in the US, if there's an intruder in the house at night, that intruder is going to be of the violent variety. That intruder is not there JUST for the valuables, and you need to get out as fast as possible. The ones that break in during daylight hours, while most people are at work, are the smash and grab type burglars.
'' Well Ma I guess we're eating tonight after all '' .or just play the outro from this video on really high volume.
I would remotely turn on my hifi and start blasting ride of the Valkyrie's very loudly
I once suspected a room-mate of stealing my paycheques. I knew he was very religious, so I searched for some satanic symbols online and drew them on the envelope, alongside some made-up Latin. For good measure, I hid the envelope inside a dvd box, which was inside my padlocked backpack. When I came back from work, my backpack looked untouched. I opened it, the envelope wasn't there -it was as if it had disappeared. I was starting to panic when my other room-mate, with the envelope in hand, said he'd found it on the floor.
My guess: the thieving bastard picked my lock, hastily took the envelope, put everything back where it was, but then realised the cheque had pentagrams and the other stuff. He then, got scared and tossed it.
Deadbolt me and the cat in my safe room and hope the burgler takes the stuff for the Goodwill so I don't have to cart it out myself.
YOU PICKED THE WRONG HOUSE FOOL!!!!
Personally I'd just go for "Oi!" and then smash their head into the kitchen worktop
I'd walk in like "do you want a cup of tea?"
In the U.S. It would simply be BANG BANG,
+Robin Banks
No.
It'd be BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG click. And then we'd have a dead kid (the shooters own), and two wounded neighbours (from bullets going wide) while the burglar would be running for the hills.
Charlie Hinkley ha ha!
Anders Garvin
More like someone have an inflated perception of their own abilities.
+MrFalconfly
Most of us own a flashlight.
MikkoB89
I'm not talking being able to see the target.
I'm talking about the average civilian not being able to make calm, calculated decisions in a stressful situation (like said civilian being burgled)
Blast either death metal or Toccata and Fugue in full volume and yell "Praise Lucifer! Another offering has arrived!"
*in a sing-song voice* two-by-two, hands of blue. Two-by-two, they come for you.
River Tam tends to have a creepifyin' affect on people.
So, it's Christmas time, 1981. I'm a 21 year old sailor living in an apartment with two other guys from my squadron in a marginal neighborhood just outside of San Diego (Imperial Beach, to be exact). It was a low-income neighborhood, populated by a mix of retirees, mechanics, dope dealers, sailors and other sketchy types. During the day, the place was ok, but nights were different. The neighborhood was prone to auto and house burglaries. The entrance to the apartment was in a dirt alley which doubled as a parking area. My room mate had is car broken into and stereo stolen while parked there one night as did a couple neighbors. One night, as we drove up the alley after getting off duty (this was like around 2AM), we caught the beach rat whom we'd seen lurking around the neighborhood before trying to hide from our headlights. We figured him for the auto burglar. So what I'm getting at is that it was a dicey neighborhood. Anyway, it's Christmas time and I've just come back from Christmas leave. Both my other room mates are still on leave. One room mate (Ken) left for leave the day I came home, the other room mate wasn't due back from his Xmas leave for 4 more days. Around 2AM I heard the door knob on the front door rattle. I sat upright in bed wondering if I'd imagined it. Then I heard it rattle again followed by what sounded like the door being shouldered in. No way did I imagine that. So I jumped out of bed and loaded my Colt M1911 .45, including putting a round in the tube. I leaned out my doorway and thought "Ok, all the lights are off but if this is Ken or Matt, they will turn the lights on as they make their way into and through the apartment". Nope, whomever it was didn't turn on any lights. My heart was pounding. Through the darkness I could see this hulking form weaving side-to-side as he made his way down the hallway towards my bedroom. I took careful aim, center of mass, and started to pull the trigger. Then something inside me said "Wait. Give this fucker ONE chance". So I cycled the thumb safety on my pistol on then off. The image stopped about 10 feet short of me. Once again, I started to apply pressure slowly to the trigger when I heard out of the darkness "Mike????". Jesus, it was my room mate Matt coming home from Xmas leave FOUR DAYS EARLY!!! That just doesn't happen in the Navy. No sailor EVER reports back to his command EARLY. Now, the thing is, Matt and I didn't get along too well and I have to confess that the thought of pulling the trigger anyway did cross my mind, if only for the briefest of moments, but I knew I'd land at least 7 years in Portsmouth Naval Prison, so I wished him a Merry Christmas and told him how close he came to being shot dead. So, if you are ever in the same situation, and if you've a gun, see how the burglar reacts to the click-click of a safety being cycled.
It's a lot scarer than knock knock isnt it? Knock knock seems like a long time ago now 😂😂😂 kills me every time!
"Would You like to play a game?"
The polite burglar bit is just the Thieves' Guild of Ankh Morpork.
"I will be up when the burglar comes." 😂😂😂
"Peek a boo!" I'm crying laughter XD
I'd whisper through the door "Did you bring the Vaseline and cucumbers?"
I would go
*"You picked the wrong house FOOL!"*
I still come here all these years later for the smile
Hey, Zeke. Looks like we got us another one.
"You gotta purdy mouth...."
Just shout PERKELE!
No matter the place or time people will know you're angry.
Thanks Dara for some brilliantly funny stuff and for sharing it,
"don't make me break my parol and get the fuck out, 2 murders is more than enough"
watching this man more and more....such fast paced thinking....so funny
"You came to the wrong house, bub."
"well, looks like we got ourselves a fresh one"
Haha that'd work in Newfoundland as well. Well, maybe not St.John's, but "I knows yer mudder..." would definitely work for most Newfie burglars I imagine, if that's a thing that exists. That or "How's yer fadder?"
my mum's had trouble sleeping lately. I heard a noise from the kitchen, and thought she must be up there, but when I walked past her room, I realised she was asleep there. no one else in the house. went upstairs kind of creeped out, and screamed when my cat patted me in the face as I walked past the banister.
Truly hilarious, love this guy.
Well I'm a knife collector, so I have a choice to pick from. You brake into my home, you're not leaving.
i'd go down naked with a whip goign 'Helo. I;ve been looking forward to this for a long time!' (do it in a camp voice)
Love the added Mallet adverts at the end :)
Couldn't help but think that with modern home automation, you probably _could_ back up "peekaboo" with some jack in the box music, and possibly the lights switching on but in a flickering red rather than a normal white. Throw in some infrasound and the burglar will really start shitting themselves!