Unmasking masculinity -- helping boys become connected men | Ryan McKelley | TEDxUWLaCrosse
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- Опубліковано 25 лис 2013
- Dr. Ryan McKelley, shared an early experiment from the 13th century where infants were denied social interaction. The nature of the study was to find out what language would naturally develop without influence from a caregiver. However, the study failed because all of the infants died.
Study after study has shown that social isolation is a risk factor for development of disease. It highlights the importance of social connection for mental and physical health, yet the stereotype is that men are less capable of emotional connection than women, notes McKelley.
McKelley suggests otherwise. Studies show when men's physiological responses to emotional stimuli are measured, their internal experience is similar to that of women.
McKelley wants men to do away with the mask. Sometimes emotional restriction is necessary, but it doesn't need to be the default mode, he says. He challenges men to eliminate phrases like "man up" or "stop acting like a girl." They should understand that opening up and being vulnerable is courageous. Taking small risks to open up will give them a broader experience of all of their emotions and allow them to make deeper connections.
McKelley is a licensed psychologist and UW-L associate professor of psychology.
In the spirit of ideas worth spreading, TEDx is a program of local, self-organized events that bring people together to share a TED-like experience. At a TEDx event, TEDTalks video and live speakers combine to spark deep discussion and connection in a small group. These local, self-organized events are branded TEDx, where x = independently organized TED event. The TED Conference provides general guidance for the TEDx program, but individual TEDx events are self-organized.* (*Subject to certain rules and regulations)
The message of the Talk is about being able to show emotional vulnerability as a man. To have emotional courage as a man. This message is not only for men though, it is for everyone that believes that men should be emotionally mute. These comments and their reactions are a great window into how much we are afraid of accepting an emotionally capable man. For the record I am a man that is trying to find my way back to feeling.
Hi sibeiandrift, I like how pragmatic your declaration about feelings is. Your comment is insightful. I am NOT an example of a common or normative development scenario, my opinion is based on the fear that I may be lacking in some key areas of being able to "feel" in an average way. I don't have a problem telling people how I feel or in expressing emotion, I'm just not always sure that I am having feelings that are relative to my experiences in the present. I commented in support of this talk because I like bringing the idea forward that we can become much more emotionally present in our lives by simply offering ourselves a moment of reflection before engaging emotionally. (Breaking out of bad habits if/when we find them)It sounds like a good idea for most everyone actually.Thanks for the comment.
Hope you're getting there brother.
Guy Renaud good for you man, good luck out there OP
I think you might be good at telling your emotions, but have trouble expressing it. And if you have trouble expressing your emotions you have trouble understanding them. If you cry and let it out your mind will be more clear after but if you keep it inside you might become mentally sick. And you might forget why you feel that way
I'm just talking about me here haha I'm a women btw
I wish you all the best!! Just be yourself without trying to fit into any box. Each person is unique. You are you. Love and accept yourself unapologetically. People will appreciate it. If they dont, do they really love the real you? Or the mask you have put on? You are brave for going on this journey! Much love and support!
I've learned to open up more and become more connected to people. When I was young I constantly felt lonely, angry and felt like I had no feelings and I would notice this affected me because I would watch my peers constantly laugh, play with other kids and just seemed to enjoy life all the time, and I wouldnt. My parents showed me very little emotion when young (and yes I've left it in the past now). Anyhow, I've noticed my life to be more emotionally, spiritually and mentally more pleasing now that I've learned to open up more. YEs some people still see it as a weakness but the way I think about it is, my life is more fulfilling than yours and if you want to make fun of me or start being abusive I have no issue bringing back that anger that consumed my life when young. I have no problem standing up to a bully and getting physical if I have to. But I've also learned that, that's not the way we're supposed to solve most problems. What a human experience it has been...
Thank you for sharing your experience. Mine is somewhat similar except I'm still working at getting where I need to be. I see you as being real strong, and not weak at all.
He's sharing an important point. So many men hide their emotions, and it becomes a HUGE barrier in communication. You can respect a person who can articulate how they feel about something, and it doesn't always mean that they are giving up a huge part of themselves. Even if they are being brutally honest, it puts a weight off the shoulders, and validates their thoughts. Being able to be vulnerable is the only way that a person can become emotionally mature in society. People need to realize that there will be good people out there that can give honest advice and feedback. And your social circle should not depend on superficial reasons, but rather on social support and encouragement. A social circle will always grow if you take the steps to expand it, and will always have the direction you want if you can provide direction (through opinions/plans or hinting around).
Social media is the death of personal social contacts. Excellent talk.
I am increasingly perplexed about these comments talking about 'alphas', 'betas and 'omegas' and how the least dominant ones don't get the women. What is this Teen Wolf?
Reality of life
Yes.
Some people, unable or unwilling to do the hard research and take the risk of **gasp** taking responsibility would rather shift everyone into groups and use very limiting labels.
It's a type of learned helplessness that has become a subculture of masculinity.
And by the way, you are forever better off for not knowing what any of that means.
It is predicated on relative position in a dominance or competency hierarchy, something that occurs accross species and cultures.
Ida Johnsen honestly I love that show.
It's good for a man to feel emotion because feeling nothing just makes life pointless.
do you know how the MGTOW phenomenom started? it started with the black man. the media told black woman that black men we're nothing but crooks, pimps, theives and eventually the men started fighting back to a certain extent but then eventually left altogether I believe up to 22 percent marry outside the race. That is what feminism does not understand movements such as these have caused men to commit suicide and be put in jail and when men try to talk about the issues, all of a sudden the patriarchy is revealed.
+Paul Watson There is a huge difference between the feeling of emotion, and the expression emotion.
***** I agree with what you said until the last bit. Many pursuits can be explored at once, or at different stages in our lifetime.
+Tate Fuller BOYS COOK
+Ezra Pearson COOKING IS FOR WIMPS
Hands down one of the BEST TED talks I've seen. I struggle with a lot of these issues of not wanting to be vulnerable and I'm frequently described as "stoic". (Normally I've found TEDx talks to be all over the map but this really was a great talk!)
The concept that men should be stoic is just another myth handed down to us. (Handy for military recruitment though...)
Healthy, sane, masculine men feel the full range of emotions and occasionally cry. When you repress feelings you often lose the ability to feel empathy too, which makes you more of a bot than a human.
And why is that a Problem? Emotions are useless
@@benjaminseelking9483 Hand a caveman a cellphone and he'd call it useless too. A tool is only useful if the user knows how to use it. Which is exactly the video's point, learn to use the tool.
@@flashfreak62 Emotions are useless even from an objective Point of view, there was, is, and will never be any use to them
@@benjaminseelking9483 Except emotion is what drives a lot of survival instincts that helped us evolve socially. If it weren't for empathy, wide-range cooperation wouldn't have come about and you couldn't have typed down this stupidity because we would've never progressed this far. In addition, emotions do play a role in maintaining mental health which influences your lifespan and other aspects of your physical health as well, whether you believe that or not. So you're wrong, there is a very significant objective use to emotions.
@@mate95mraz No, you are wrong. Progress has nothing o do with Emotions, i´m a prime Example for that, cause i progressed my whole Life without them, and i´d say 33 Years is a decent sample size. Humanity progressed despite having Emotions, not because of them. And your claim about Survivasl is almost laughable. Survival as an Individual as well as a Species is a Question of Logic, not Emotions. A maternal behavior increases Survivalchances of the offspring, avoiding Predators let´s the Individuum survive. Emotions are not needed.
true strength and true masculinity are doing what you feel is right and living for no one but yourself.
If you want to be a big muscular jock, good for you. If you want to be sensitive and in touch with your feelings, good for you. Don't try to fit anyone's perception of manliness, except for yourself.
The Hill are you red pill?
Does it matter
As a woman diagnosed with alexithymia trying to recover her emotions, I can say that there is NOTHING weak about showing tender emotions. Have any of you guys bitching about 'manginas' ever tried hugging or saying 'I love you'? Right, it's something you'd never be caught dead doing. But suppose somebody bet you to it. 100 dollars for hugging and saying a heartfelt 'I love you' to your dad. Could you REALLY do it?
The first time I ever texted an 'I love you' ---to my mother--- I nearly hyperventilated. None of the violent or traumatic experiences I've had felt as terrifying then. Since that moment, it's still an uphill struggle. This emotional displays gig? Really isn't made for cowards.
***** "Men typically don't suppress their emotions, they try to CONTROL them. It's called maturity."
I won't deny that there are men who can handle their emotions intelligently, or that some of the speaker's critics may hold sentiments such as yours. But I simply CANNOT agree that the societal pressure on men to curtail healthy expression of emotions is no longer widespread enough that the call against it has become irrelevant. Heck, look at the hubbub that still gets stirred up over trivialities such as Target's decision to render its toys' section gender neutral.
And, if you must insist that America has left rigid gender notions in the past, what about us in the rest of the world? I can assure you that a lot of my fellow citizens could use talks like these. Including many of my own family.
***** I'm with you on most of the points above, including the "guys/girls happening to like traditionally masculine/feminine stuff are being repressed" rhetoric. That's, IMO, ridiculous. The point is to create freedom of choice, not the mirror double of present gender restrictions.
The only quibble I have is with the association of gender expectations with the past. Trust me, they are very much still alive. And you wouldn't even have to go to places like Saudi Arabia or Iraq to see them.
***** I'm sorry you had bad experiences, but I'm not your mother or whoever it was that gave you these issues. I hope you'll get help on resolving them, and move past your anger and hurt one day. Good luck.
***** Boy, ain't you a negative one. I'm sorry I assumed wrong; it's just that you seem to have anger issues. I'm glad you have a balanced view of women though; quite a number of people who respond to me on similar topics don't. And yes, sadly, they did turn out to have issues. As for women not liking emotional men, I still have to disagree with you on that. My youngest brother cries and gets the feels far easier than I do, and I certainly like him. I also like that guy friend of mine who writes romantic stuff. And my favourite UA-cam personality is Markiplier, who's not only very in touch with his emotions, but has blubbered on camera multiple times. You wouldn't believe the number of fangirls he has, who DEFINITELY have seen him done that.
By the way, what on earth does it mean by worshipping the holy vagina? Are we talking about goddess cults and matriarchal societies here? They used to have that, but we're aiming for something different nowadays.
***** Oh, so you wanted to ask me if I had any sexual/ romantic interest in men who showcase their emotions in healthy ways? Yeah, sure. Why not? I'm already specifically attracted to men and women who break traditional gender boundaries in terms of clothing, hobbies, roles etc. A man who cries is not gonna deter me.
Um, I will marry this dude yesterday.
I like that comment just cause it doesn’t make sense
Lol I love this comment
he has a wife ❤
What an awesome message! I wish I could have shown this to my husband when my boys were younger. He taught them it's not OK to cry or show your emotions. Drives me nuts when I know they're hurting but they won't acknowledge it so they can work through it.
Sounds like a good father.
Brilliant talk. And by the comments just on this page his words are confirmed of what a big problem there is. The resistance, the anger, the negativity and the discriminatory remarks are indicative that he is right.
It is seemingly hopeless to change the mindset of adult males in a culture that is so myopic but hopefully people who are a bit enlightened will help babies and little boys to become who they really are.
Emotions and vulerablility do not prevent a man from being a man they help him to become what he is supposed to be, a WHOLE human being.
What you have in America the most violent country on the planet is broken Souls, Spirits unable to express anything. So they go about exploiting others economically or shooting their fellow human beings DEAD.
How many girls/ women have slaughtered a group of students or people in mass shootings??? How many women have robbed people of their life savings through decades of these financial scandals? Is is Not because they are women. But because MEN are conditioned in such a way that they have no other way to express themselves.
I feel pity for all the men who don't understand how dis-empowered they are by not understanding the message here.
Well put.
globalman no. It is proof that men are men and there is no changing this fact. We socialize the way we do because we are men and we prefer to be men and to promote masculine virtues of which emotional distance is one. This also trivializes men into some emotionless distant archetype. Most of us are much deeper than that. The greatest men, Lincoln, Napolean, Caesar all were men who were raised thus and were also men of great emotional depth. I like the system. It has got us this far. What proof is there that this new system will produce better?
What proof is there that it will produce worse?
I'm a woman. And this angers me to the point I want to slap you. 😡
Maybe we just think you and him are wrong.
Egg headed psychologists with their little graphs and yapping aren't very connected to reality.
I had an experience like the boys trick or treating in this excellent video. Unlike those wise and caring young boys, I was with adults in their 30's playing basketball. One guy sprained his ankle on a particular play. As soon as it happened, everybody but me, which was about 10 men, just left the gym as if nothing had just happened. I tried to see if the guy was all right. I was so pissed at those other guys pretending that nothing had happened, I quit the informal league I was in. Looking back, I wish I would have said something to those guys and saying , what's wrong with you that you can't stop and help your fellow player, but didn't.
@@thehill8353 You're infinitely pathetic.
courage= being open and vulnarable. Great much needed talk. violance is the result of not being able to express vulnarability(fear, sadness)be courageous, be vulnarable.
I hope talks like these are redefining what courage is for men. It's hard as a man to show weakness, and it has been only acceptable to pigeonhole men into expressing a fraction of what a person feels. We need to grow up, ourselves, and realize men are human. Why are men not supposed to cry? It made me stronger when I did. Humans will not reach their potential unless they are allowed to be human. That is, expressing our true nature and not fitting into the small box society puts us in.
This guy knows what's up! Awesome job. Vulnerability and honesty are absolutely essential for social connections, and they both require courage. I don't think they require crying or showing a bunch of emotion really, that's totally optional. The mask goes on when people are ashamed, afraid, or suspicious; it's not specific to males obviously and I don't think it's socialized either since you won't find much in the way of cultural boundaries.
Why are you all so compelled to call emotionally connected men gay? That's not right. Everyone should be allowed to voice how they feel and it shouldn't be about physical biological gender.
The whole over emphasis on feelings demasculates men. That's why anti-man comes to mind.
I really liked the 'what did you experience before the emotional anger funnel?' idea.
I think that is a fantastic framing to enable communication.. I will aspire to implement that myself.
That was so beautiful! I've always seen this issue and try to preach against the phrases "be a man" or "man up" or "men should be tough".... I am so happy to this message being spread to more ears so that hopefully one day we can make a change in culture. Being unemotional doesn't make you a man. Its really more than that. Kindness, love for others and vulnerability.
Lol
Of *course* men should be tough
"Being emotional doesn't make you a man"
^^ thanks professor 👍
You *do* realize you can express ALL of that, don't you?
Since when has "vulnerability" been a virtue. It's a weakness. It would make you a weak man.
Obvious!
@@penguinegg01 every human has a weakness if you don't than may be you are not a human
Yup.... Emotions don't do gender bias. Just Feel and express them. I can cry. I m proud of it
Parth Patel dude just stop take the red pill it will help you
@@rainystone607 How so?
thank you so much for the message you are sending, but most importantly thank you for deciding to live that message. May God bless you in every way your heart desires and give you a long and happy life!!! Thak you!
Brilliant talk, made me think so much about the men in my life and how I'm supporting them.
The best thing you can do is stay out of our lives
Pathetic and patronising talk virtue signalling! As if all men are have no feelings!
Treat a boy as a boy and he grows up to be a man. Treat a boy as a man and he grows up to be a boy.
@@SirHavok what do you consider as weakness?? Because it actually takes a ton of physical and emotional strength to be able to show emotions in public
An enlightening talk. Thank you.
Beautiful, Thank you,
I see a few men here feeling threatened and responding with anger. to me, that's not an example of what it means to be a man. Being a man means taking ownership and not deflecting hurt by blaming "society" or "feminism'
Feminism is toxic for our society, it is ultimate death.
And now you have showed them what happens when they are showing feelings. Diminishing and sometimes ridicule. Insted, ask why they feel like that. I have, for most of the times, no problem with confronting and showing my feelings. But to do so, trust is an important factor. Be given time to think and reflect and no judgment.
You guys couldn't hide your misandry if you wanted to. It is a biological predisposition
Translation:
Being a man means not being upset at things that hurt you and then being blamed for "Holding in your emotions."
I am thinking of more discuss around Masculism. Boys and Young men are being let down by the society because they have higher expectations of them. They want to be providers and protectors through the wrong process. It has socially and emotional impacts and ten to be negative. There should be more opportunities to mentor boys and young men in our society. What Barack Obama is doing with MBK is such a wonderful approach. I hope it can be expanded. the world can get better.
This is sensational.
What an absolute legend, thank you for your wisdom & your insane amount of courage Dr. Ryan McKelley :D
Any talk about men that does not include the price all of us pay because of homophobia is sadly incomplete.
🫡
My dad was a Royal Marine when he was young and taught me a thing or two about being a man. Women enjoy being looked after by a man who can look after himself. When I tried this New Man approach women and some men walked all over me and I became very depressed - like a stupid soft fool. Just be who you are.
When I was in a tech school I ran an experiment. I took an Ohm meter and placed one lead in each hand and then tested each person's resistance. What I found was that anyone who had a reading in the K Ohms passed the test. But anyone who had a Meg Ohms reading FAILED the test.
What an eye opener..
What a beautiful message
thank you
The story he tells at 16:00 is very important - Turn off the news, stop watching your social media feed constantly, and go out and see how people actually treat each other.
So many males afraid of being human and vulnerable. So they instead hide behind the anger, hate and cowardice. Which are weak emotions just so you know. This social norm of society we live in now where Love is taught to be a weakness is an illusion. The frame of mind of most males today are living the lie of don't cry, don't show emotions or people will take advantage of you. However, those same males are pretty much the results of the perpetuated cycle of abuse as children, or bullied into becoming a bully in the same manner by those abused kids. Even in the public and college school systems where the system itself perpetuates the vicious cycle of creating bad people and damaged people. It's disheartening to see law that keep people from wanting to help others naturally, because if you do manage to intervene these codes and laws punish the good and let the oppressors free. I see it everyday. People hurting people by doing nothing, and being bystanders.
Men are allowed to show anger, just anger
What "law" are you talking about? People hurting people by doing nothing? What should we do? Please bestow upon us your infinite wisdom so that we may become as enlightened as you almighty one!
@@jzolli2425 An unwritten law, maybe?
@@thisisntallowed9560
Oh *really??*
And who is this that decides what I show? Because I'm pretty sure I do, and show, whatever I want, whenever I want.
@@lockandloadlikehell Yeah you can. But if you always have to hide, even in front of people you trust or live with it can have bad consequences. Never crying is a bad thing. Crying helps you process traumas or events. Also when people never see you crying they don't see how much they hurt you. It sucks.
I appreciate what he is getting at, but I think his solution goes too far. While there is a need for men to experience a full range of emotion, there is also great utility in the stoic mindset. We live in a time where the world has largely been conquered and subdued, but it is still a rough place and requires grit. Is it okay to express fear about life's great struggles? Yes, but not at the cost of rolling over and crying while the struggle requires gritty, decisive action. There are merits to both sides; after all, the infrastructure which is in place to subdue the harshness of the world was build by men living (to borrow from T. Roosevelt) the strenuous life. We should not carelessly toss that away. Nevertheless, there is definitely room for improvement in the direction he lays out here.
I think it would be useful to map these ideas onto the framework Aristotle makes in Nicomachean Ethics. To be strictly stoic would be an excess of whatever the underlying fervor might be, whereas to be strictly attending to emotions would be deficient in that fervor. The course that leads to human flourishing must be found in between the two extremes, and is undoubtedly a moving target. There is absolutely a time and place to cry and process one's emotions, but there are also times when you just need to rub some dirt in it and keep moving until the job is done.
This exactly what he's suggesting, his focus is moreso on convincing men to be more open and vulnerable because that is as he said "Another tool you can use under the right circumstances" and it's a tool most men sorely lack
I hope that everyone here is okay. Please be safe and remember that people care about you, even if it may not feel like it at times. If you are feeling troubled, maybe professional help is the answer, or talking to a trusted friend about what you are going through. Wish you all the best.
Great speech
Wow Ryan, my sentiments exactly. There is one major component you left out though, it is what is attributed to our Animalistic Territorial Imperatives, that come from the animal part of our brain.
Those imperatives can be categorized as; Breeding Rights and the fight to keep them. Territorial rights, and the fight to keep your territory yours. Genetic expressiveness and the strength to breed enough females to secure your genetic heritage. And those are just the tip of the ice berg.
It is those things we must first acknowledge about ourselves before we can allow the nature of our emotions its full range of expression. The animalistic fear of losing any of those plays a large part of our modern day expressiveness. This is our struggle as men, to understand those tugs upon our maleness.
WHY do we need studies about the importance of social connectedness? Isn't it f*cking obvious????????????
It wasn't so obvious for me.
10 years LATER it's only gotten worse. Absolutely NOTHING has changed.
Check the male suicide rate, men commit way less suicide than before
1. Women are naturally repulsed by men not in control of their emotions...
2. Weakness in a man is not appealing to women or men
3. I learned this when my first love broke up with me the first time I cried in front of her....I learned this when my 80 year old grandma became verbally abusive to my dying grandpa when he became too emotional. I learned this when my grandpa died and my mother refused to console my crying father...
Men should express emotions, but controlling which emotions are expressed and who they are expressed to is important.
+HardforJesus I like what you're saying but you got one fundamental point plain wrong. And, I am 100% you'll see it this way once it's explained to you. Women are NOT naturally going act unruly and insensitive to a man who reveals his real feelings and thoughts, UNLESS he's been emasculated and ALLOWS her to. The examples the OP gave were probably of males who didn't maintain leadership in the relationship and failed to maintain authority by governing those relationships properly. Every woman is on a spectrum based on how she was raised and socialized. Some are more damaged and unruly, and some are more feminine and in tune with their function and therefore orderly. Doesn't matter in relation to the function of the man taking charge and setting the boundaries (expectation management). The only significance this spectrum concept has is on the EFFORT and TIME that would be necessary to REPAIR the damage by a man properly leading.
+S. F. LOL sorry but you're being a complete keyboard warrior. Typical shaming tactics when presented with reasoned argument. That's so childish. Everyone with real world experience knows that while women won't 'like' such males (aka friendzone them), they WILL 'love' them (form deep sexual attraction). What are such males? Those who can actually set boundaries, speak the truth, but of course being able to provide pleasure (aka reward functional/good behaviour) is just as essential to maintain attraction/relationships. A man who can't say no to nonsense, irrational rhetoric, dangerous beliefs that are childishly irresponsible if enacted etc. get friendzoned and neglected by women. You're probably a woman or a nice-guy archetype who understands this deep, deep down.
+HardforJesus
"Oh Christ, another brain-dead PUA who can't think of anything other than the dating scene."
Awww, I didn't realize you were a butthurt MGTOW kind of cowardly fool who's childish 'feelings' inhibit actual reasoning. You clearly missed the point of what I was saying, which is ironic because you've charged me with the same accusation, while being guilty LOL.
"I'm not talking about women in a romantic context."
Are you seriously this foolish? Here's the part you DIDN'T get silly boy (read below)...
"Women regularly disregard the rights and feelings of males long before they can even speak or walk."
You're an imbecile. Ask yourself WHY this happens TO BEGIN WITH. Instead of focusing on symptoms, focus on CAUSES. This happens BECAUSE an entire generation of men like YOU have been so misled with chronic frustration at society abandoning you and failing to give you proper social training to form functional relationships and get your expectations met, that you've opted out like a accident victim hooked on to an oxygen machine who now wants to be taken off of life-support. You've just quit. You want out. #MGTOW
Consequently, the problem is never addressed: women continue to exhibit and harbour dysfunctional behaviour, because men like you continue to remain dysfunctional and never learn how to SHAPE them for the better.
"There is nothing infants can do to ... physical abuse, or neglect."
No, there isn't. Which is why focusing on the symptoms of by-products of a problem is futile. Any of those boys who manage to grow up should make their way to Manhood Academy and correct the damage that's being done to them. They will then be able to ensure this cycle does not continue onto the next generation. You DEFINITELY need to. Your childish perspective is delusional and does not reflect a practical understanding of relationships. It's not your fault either, so I genuinely DON'T blame you. What you do NOW, however, IS your responsibility.
"And don't blame men for the actions of women. They are adults and should be held responsible like adults."
Under feminist gender theory, YES. BUT, feminist gender theory, like YOUR gender theory is BS. It's hilarious that you complain about how 'traditionalists' and 'feminists' are the same, but in REALITY YOU MGTOW types are pathetically the same as the feminists. YOU BOTH support this sort of emasculating viewpoint that DENIES the REALITY of gender function. Look, you can PRETEND your design doesn't mean you have the capacity to be a better leader in a family than your woman ALL you want, but reality, social expectations (contradictory ones too IF you allow it in your pansy passive state), and her behaviour along with YOUR needs will force you to confront that reality one way or another. If you FAIL to, then you'll simply remain frustrated as will she, and others around you, unless they have a vested interest to helping you (like Manhood Academy does). But, if even after being given a dose of reality and the offer of training, you refuse -- you're on your own.
"Quit making excuses for them by acting like any of this is men's fault you fucking coward."
The only one here making excuses is YOU. You MGTOW types are the BIGGEST pansies on the planet. I used to hate feminism, but when I discovered what it DOES to men, man I just got sick. The MRA/MGTOW type of ATTITUDE is UNDERSTANDABLE, but it is a HORRIBLE outcome. While the ISSUES being focused on are very tenable, the attitude and approach taken by you crying boys is deplorable.
YOU CAN'T EVEN HOLD A WOMAN ACCOUNTABLE PROPERLY IN YOUR OWN RELATIONSHIPS dude LOL, don't lecture ANYONE on the internet from behind the comfort of your keyboard about "not making excuses". You WOULDN'T have gotten to this point of frustration IF you were the type of man who knew how to exercise his authority and ACTUALLY practiced what he preaches, and DIDN'T excuse violations of his expectations by unruly women who disrespect him. No, you were the guy who was chronically disrespected and walked all over. You don't know anything about holding people accountable. Nice try tho keyboard warrior.
IF you actually want to improve, and actually want help, get your butt over to Manhood Academy and enroll. If that's too much, watch their three part video series the Problem, the Solution, and the Application. You won't regret it.
"This isn't about controlling one sex. It's about liberating the other."
My goodness, just as I thought you've been brainwashed by the stupidity of the MGTOW movement's foolishness. RELATIONSHIPS ARE DEPENDENT IN NATURE. The idea of 'liberating' the other is MEANINGLESS if 'liberation' has an 'ends' and a frame of reference which defines it. You don't have one. In your mind, men and women are apparently identical in gender function and don't 'need' to fulfill a certain function or cooperate in their complementary functions. No, you have the SAME childish attitude and beliefs as feminist women, just on a different polar end: we can do whatever we want, whenever we want, and that's that!
Let's see how far you get with that dysfunctional understanding of relationships, and social interaction.
"Is just trad-con code for "lazy parasitic unemployed traditionalist cunt"
Seeing as you've been a pansy doormat your whole life and are a consequently a bitter and frustrated keyboard warrior, I'm willing to bet on you never having interacted with let alone shaped 'feminine' behaviour LOL. So, no being 'feminine' doesn't mean being 'lazy and unemployed'. My grandmother in a developing country supported all her sons to become functional and masculine men instead of demonizing manhood and nurtured them, remained loyal to her husband for 40 years after he died until her eventual death, took care of her family, opened her doors to the poor of the country, helped educate underprivileged kids etc. and the list goes on. But, you'll never meet such a woman, let alone shape one with your pathetic attitude.
You're talking about some Victorian snobby elitist culture of so-called 'feminine' women. I'm not talking about that. While those women may have had a submissive attitude towards their men, LIKE their men and social class, they were arrogant and snobby regarding life at large. They lacked depth, spirituality, and an attitude of service and virtue. This was because of their CULTURAL and SOCIAL standing. There are women in my home country in wealthy circles who are JUST like this, in my OWN family, and don't think I don't call them out for their BS attitude. IT IS NOT consistently feminine. Their sweetness and compassion does not extend to the poor maids who they demand cover them with a blanket, having to yell for them to come from half-way across the house. That's not feminine. They assume a feminine cultural role like 'staying home', but in their ATTITUDE and CHARACTER they LACK femininity altogether, remaining undisciplined and entitle-minded, while their husbands are running around working their asses off. Your idea of 'traditional' is poor. I opt for a FUNCTIONAL understanding. Many traditional arrangements were functional because men could reason better back then, but that doesn't mean ALL were. Anything that wasn't, should be discarded as well.
When a man leads, a woman should show him respect and support, and be considerate. But, if she's going to do this, she also has the right to expect that he will protect her, care for her, guide her and the family etc. It's a two-way street. You getting your needs met means she gets her needs met, and she getting her needs met means you get your needs met. When times are tough, both should be willing to compromise for each other; a woman in my culture is expected to stand by her husband unwaveringly when he's sick and can't work. That's HER duty. A man, in my culture, is expected to take charge and pave the way, and he's supported and enabled by society at large to do so. Not hindered and demonized.
+Gene Holmann my man has cried in front of me many times - it made me love him more for opening up. I can't stand the absence of emotion and the quick kick to anger when challenged to show emotion in men.....
I would argue that perhaps women being turned off or freaked out by a man's showing of vulnerability (I'm guilty of those feelings myself) isn't a counter argument to the idea that men should show their many emotions, but rather an effect that classical masculinity has had on women. Heteronormative women tend to be attracted to masculine men. The PROBLEM is that the current definition of masculinity involves the simplification of men's emotions and the blanket expression of anger. This definition has been built up and become expected in men, by men AND women, through us all learning from the examples of masculinity shown in the media, our parents, etc. Therefore, a man's deviation from this expected masculinity through a showing of vulnerability may turn women off because it doesn't align with what they have been taught a man should be.
Masculine stereotypes effect men AND women, and women should be aware of these feelings of being "turned off" by a man crying and recognize that they aren't a biological disposition or given from birth but society's imprint left on them. Ignoring those adverse feelings, and deciding NOT to break up with your boyfriend just because he cries in front of you, or to NOT punish your dying husband because he becomes "too emotional" and perhaps ENCOURAGE these moments of vulnerability the biggest way women and girls can help men become more in touch with their emotions. Like the guy in the video said, it only takes each one of us making a small change in our daily life, and this is a change women and girls can make.
Personally I believe a shift in the way we define masculinity from this "mask" towards a more emotionally in touch man will help solve some of the pervasive problems we have among men today, such as suicide and alcoholism. So there's a female perspective for you.
Brilliant talk
Fantastic well putt and a great message: How to become the best version of your self - no matter what gender! Therefore it should be interesting even for people with hard core "The winner takes it al"-attitude.
Wonderful video!
Its basically that men like to be in control and in charge. They misunderstand showing emotion as being vulnerable, Which it is at times. But showing emotion is a normal thing in most cases.
cool; i like :] thanks for the video!
I love this talk. Thank you, Ryan.
Oh, and the feeling that I believe fills that second before anger? Sadness. Sad about a loss, an unfilled desire, expectation, or outcome. If I stay in that sadness, I recover much more quickly than if I go to anger. Choice point!
The Mask You Live In, great documentary on the subject, free on UA-cam
I would totally date Ryan McKelley.
The world could use some more 'emotional restriction', not less. We are being overrun by sentimentality. Rather than encouraging men to 'open up', maybe more people should be encouraged to 'shut up' and let society function without having to cater for every individual feeling or offence.
Daniel Shore I recommend you read "the history of male friendship" on artofmanliness.com and you will find that men being affectionate is nothing new. Used to be extremely common before the gay rights movement came alone and lines of affection became very blurred.
Amen
Great speech, and for me very meaningful as I have a boy of 6 years old.
That's unfortunate.
Great speaker! I can think of a few guys I know who would benefit watching this
Emma S Comments like this is why we men need MGTOW.
@@loredelamore Why is that?
Have you thought that a major way boys are treated when very young teaches us a lot? Boy babies are picked up far less than baby girls. When they are held, they are held for a far less time than girls are.
Circular. We don't want to be a part of your society
Yes, it does have an affect
EPIC
Two men in a bar one turns to the other and says," Minimalism", the other replies yeh "Minimalism." "Yeh well you've got to say something!"
Anyone who believes that men don't express emotions know just about as much about men as a fish knows about dry land.
I think that men do express emotions, but sometimes when they do society shames them because of it. And that can lead to not doing it in puplic often. Or at least that is what happend in my scenario. 🤷♂️
The manly stereotype thinking needs to shape in a different way, so that we can not drape ourselves believing 'this is what men do'.
Kinda common sense that every adult male should know already (many choose not to)
Good talk but I feel like the Halloween story is a normal occurrence/ behaviour in boys/men..
there is hope for humans... the like's out weight the dis-like's and that's progress :)
+Klytemaestra L Intelligence comes in many forms.
Zimmer Frey not likely
Thank you. I was scrolling through the comments and so many of the men here are so deeply disconnected from their emotions that they don't even seem to know that they are disconnected. The likes give me hope!
19bunbury88 me too
How many of the Likes are sarcastic? Right, all of them
fantastic
YAS! Finally my man's gonna show emotions!
How about stop expecting men to be feminine and women to be masculine. How about that?
This comment section is cancer. Turn back now...
Men are allowed anger, contempt and pride by society? Really? Is that why we have prisons? They aren't actually punishment facilities but playpens for socially accepted male behavior?
Society wants men to be successful. What does that mean? That they contribute. What does that mean? Sacrifice.
Society is working to make men sacrifice and make men want it. The emotions driving this? Guilt, shame and false pride.
This talk is another hit piece confirming this. Men, you're not feeling the correct feelings. Go out and be positive for a change and create something (for anyone but yourself).
Guys we are talking about gender norms here!
Historically men have been emotionally oppressed as opposed to women.
And the true meaning of feminism is really about: equality for both sexes on all levels:)
Let men be humans!
lol, yea right.
Feminism is toxic death to our society.
sibeliandrift Because those emotions are allowed. Gosh I thought you guys realized there was something wrong! I was shocked sometimes when I saw some men react to some things that's something I don't have to deal with.
women want men to be emotionally connected so that relationships can be successful.
38lane men want to not be emotionally connection so they can be successful
Or make it easier for women to manipulate men.
They want to be able to manipulate them. That is always why.
People have a problem with over classifying and associating things with things that hardly have anything to do with eachother. Feelings do not automatically mean anything.
There are differences between things. Get over it.
Wait. I thought males were privileged.
Marty Funkhouser
That’s the paradox. We need to acknowledge that the current way society views gender roles benefits no one. It hurts women, it hurts men
connecting with this connecting with that...........Where human beings mate not bloody computers.
Violent ro who, other men ro compete for women.
How many men have you battled for a girl
Whooo there buckaroo! The true way a boy becomes a man is through the maturation of a boy experiencing the man concept is through family. If the family is week, the boy will be week. If the family are bully's; the boy will be a bully. If the boy is expected to turn into a man; the boy's family is responsible to evolve the boy into a man. Daddy, why do you kiss mommy when she makes us pie? Daddy, why do I have to pick up doggy poop from the back yard? Daddy, how do I make a bench I can put in my room. Grandpa, how do I make a lamp? Grandpa, how do I level a garden? Grandpa, how do I cut & light a cigar? Grandpa, how does one pack & light a pipe? Isn't that bad? Why would one wish to know how to cut & light a cigar. Why do I see you smoking a pipe? Mommy, how do I bake a cake? The answer is family. The Family creates the man. Those without a family are at a disadvantage. Society can NEVER create a loving family!! The man skills a boy needs can not be created outside the family. Grandpa equated this as "MAN LEARNING." Who will teach me to dress a deer? How do I place an animal trap? Who will teach me to butcher a pig? Who will ever teach me not to take a shot at a doe? Who will encourage me to release a fish that is too small? Who will teach me about God? Who will instill in me respect for others? Who will ever teach me when to fight? The answer is FAMILY. Mommy, how is the best way I can show love to others? Wake up! the answer has been with us since Cain & Able! This concept is not an esoteric equation. This is what Grand Pa called "MAN LEARNING" Who schools you how to cut & light a cigar? Family. Who teaches you to can food for the winter? Family. Who teaches you to fillet a fish? Family. Who teaches you the difference of right & wrong? Family. Who teaches boys how open a door for a woman? Family! I do not mean "The Global Family." Daddy, teach me baseball. Can the Global family do that? Daddy, what is patriotism? Mommy, how do I make a pancake? Grand Ma, what are settlers? Grandma, what are Atheists? Grand Ma, What are sutlers? Grand Dad, were you a war hero? ... Family is what makes a boy into a man. General society is a poor example of MAN LEARNING.
BOYS DON'T CRY...
+Ezra Pearson well said.
+Ezra Pearson they just get all messed up with their emotional blockages .... i havent cried for 13 years (cant for some reason) and it messes you up holding emotions.
+Paulo ForNow Does not being able to let out your emotions stress you out?
They do when dad brings out the belt.
Why are people saying this talk is amazing. He’s spitting facts but it’s a chore to listen to him talk and his bad presentation is undercutting his point
This really needs "unmasking"? :)
Emotions are great until you realize that most women don’t find men who are emotional appealing.
Personally I'm in awe of my boyfriend's courage he has to display his emotions despite the culture he lives in, I really admire that about him and I can see the strength it takes. I grew up in a very Scottish/ Irish/ stuff upper lip environment and it was a breath of fresh air to meet him. He's the man of my dreams, so you can't categorically say women don't like that.
There are women who don't like that, but to be fair to them they're just used to the status quo and that's how they were raised to view men
That’s not even remotely true. If your head is tapped into opposing the neutrality of genders , then sure. Most humans are the same with slight personality trait differences. you attract what you are.
Well men shouldn't do everything to please women. That's the opposite of masculinity actually
None of this mumbo jumbo holds water, certain traits which are inherentley masculine are cross cultural.
And he acknowledges that. He's saying the openness and vulnerability is a tool or a skill that has its benefits, ans being without them causes more problems than it solves.
You don't have to cry at every adversity, but allowing yourself to feel those emotions is a lot healthier and definitely a lot more productive.
Plus, you know, it makes people happier.
I think men sometimes don't cry to let other people do.
Good choice for not crying in front of your daughter. A real man never shows weakness in front of their children.
I really want to listen to him, I know he got lot to say, but he's just too serious, ta! After investing 10 minutes of my life am gonna quit ...
He has an incredibly valid argument and interesting lecture. It is just very hard to get past how dry of a speaker this guy is. There is no emotion in his voice at all, it is all one monotone sentence.
I wonder where this obsession about emotional vulnerability comes from. I think vulnerability is something bad, but I also believe that it's real. If you as a man pretend like you weren't vulnerable at all and you put on a mask on iron but inside you're soft like wax, then this is not a good strategy. You have to face your vulnerability, to connect with your emotions, so that you know where you're weak and how to efficiently protect yourself. Because what I believe to be a huge part of masculinity is trying to fix problems. The feminine equivalent of it is creating a safe space where you don't have to deal with the problems. This is urgent for children, and if you aren't emotionally connected you are pratically a child. You need to face this reality to grow up. When a father tells his boy not to cry, this is not because boys are arbitrarily forbidden to have and show emotions, but because crying doesn't fix the problem. Anger at least gives you some motivation to do something. I think what this guy presents as traditionally "masculine" is not more than a trope.
Crying solves emotional turmoil. It allows you to acknowledge a fundamentally human experience.
By crying you can release the pain you're feeling and move forward healthily.
Women improve men and men facilitate women ro improved their offspring..Men protecr,men provide.and men produce a quality to reach for and match.
So I guess to unmask masculinity I must become basically a woman?
Feminists like this candyass speaker view men as defective womyn.
I don't know I wouldn't be attracted to a man who cries... it kind of makes me sick unless somebody died or something... I don't like weakness in men...
Oooh, Elizabeth Powers is a *hot take*
🔥
How is it a weakness? It's a great way to deal with emotions.
If you're not attracted to guys like that then that's fine. I only ask that you not expect or ask that men conform to your idea of a man.
Unfortunately crying is just as much a weakness as peeing. What happens is that the brain is full of emotions that it has to process and it releases these emotions through crying. It is not a weakness nor is it gendered, it is simply biology. When those emotions are not released, they have to go somewhere so they get stored in the body where they build up and increase the risk for cancer and cardio vascular disease. Peeing is a perfect metaphor because when the bladder is full it must release the urine and if you force yourself to hold it, it will make you sick and become detrimental.
@Elizabeth Powers makes you sick? Frankly, anyone (man or woman) who sobs uncontrollably at the drop of a hat, is a bit much to take. However, if the only permissible situation in which a man can cry is death, that man needs to run as fast as he can from that kind of woman. A strong man needs a strong woman by his side, a woman he can come to, when he is feeling overwhelmed, trust her, let his feelings out, and go forward to face the world knowing he has her respect, love, loyalty, someone on his side and at his back or out front! She needs the same from him. Are there really so many weak women out there that they are frightened of a mans tears, because it might mean they have to be strong? Or that he has deep feelings? Does it destroy their illusions about being protected, make them frightened? Personally, man or woman, if you're crying through a moment of loving pride or pain, illness, death, tragedy, exhaustion, financial worries, massive frustration, etc, you go ahead! As adults, most of us dont like to show our vulnerabilities to the outside world, but we definitely should be able to behind our own front door and with our nearest and dearest.
BS - NO one respects man that cries ... this mangina makes alot of money !!! Just my opinion.
The point of this talk is that this attitude should change and men showing emotions shouldn't be perceived as weak, maybe you should actually listen!
... and I should FOOCK all hair & skin colors daily and have wolverine powers.
***** U think ? That is my opinion.
You clearly missed the point. Did you even watch the entire video?
he wasn't a pope... Am I the only one bothered by this?
+Jason Schneijder Meh, who cares about "facts" when we're talking about gender studies?
Facts are oppressive.
Christopher Robertson Haha xD no water can cool that burn...
I'm a confirmed anti-feminist and I approve of this message! Why?
Because of my cultural background where men are men and generally very emotionally too, and women are still women and not generally feminists. The culture and extended family is the support system.
Having said that, being in-touch with one-self will only work with proper support systems, and that does not exist for men in Western societies, thus the default of being tough - as a survival mechanism.
Poor little man
HAHAHAHA. THE TIME HAS COME. VIOLENT PEOPLE FINISH FIRST. NON-VIOLENT NEVER WIN IN LIFE AND STUCK BEING BROKE.
Why is nobody in all this talking about passive-aggressive, schemeing, manipulative toxic femininity?
Women demand chivalry and being treated with special care and carefulness, and then on top of that accuse men of being abusive.
In your fantasy certainly
... busted
As a man myself, it's not that all these things are socially acceptable, it's that we don't like to be vulnerable, or cry, or be overly emotional In that sense. We don't show weakness because we perceive it as weakness, and compress it into motivation to better ourselves and become a man.
I'm a women and I learned I'm very weak if I don't express my ''weakness''. If I don't cry I become angry, I don't think well, and I'm more emotive to anything that could make me cry. Also if I don't cry I deny my emotions and I build anxiety. And I will just feel something stabbing my chest without knowing where it comes from. Also I wouldn't be able to connect with people if I didn't allow myself to be vulnerable to them. ''compress it into motivation'' doesn't work for me.
@@Aakash_Goswami1 Oh this is bad. You're probably joking but hey
''What is a Man? Someone who has the ability to step aside their emotion and think rationally.'' It's nice that you are able to answer your own questions
I challenge everyone to define masculinity. Everyone has a different view or take on what it is and what it means to them. That's why this is BS.
Yes, but people impose their own view of masculinity to others sometimes.
Bull fucking shit. Masculinity is a quality which is expressed more dominantly in men. Its not that men do not become feminine or women are not masculine. The modern world successful women are as masculine in the work place as you know. Also never forget, the idea of liberty, freedom all of it has been expounded by men. Communism, Marxism, Capitalism, democracy, etc everything has been propounded by men. There has been revolutions, mixing of genepools, because men were adevnturous enough to go forth and find out, and use it (if found). If women ruled, the world would be not an interconnected one, but several thousand Colonies of very happy villages where every one seems happy on surface. These idiots comepletely omitt the human sins :selfishness, anger, greed, lust, pride. They think its exclusively men. Look around and look closely you will find women displaying these things more often (openly). Men do not, because they know there is goig to be consequences, they had designed their societies and their laws as such to keep those negatives in control in control. Men have enough empathy and 'feeling of love' for others, why do you see so many men rallying up to join the armed forces? Why does simple sentences like 'for my people' , 'for my country' etc is enough to charge up a man enough to sacrifice his existence. What drives men to fight for some one else? I have known enough women and they hate each other for very trivial reason. Stop trying to change men. If you can eat in peace, shit in comfort, and sleep with safety it is because of men. It is because there are men who were willing to stand up with a rifle at the perimeter, who were willing to enter the hornest nest and clean out the infestation, driven just by a symbolic flag, it is because men who were adventurous enough to give up comforts of their home, and explore the earth just out of morbid curiosity, it is because of men who are willing to risk everything and work in the midle of a freaking ocean for months, it is because of men who thought lets fly a kite and see what the lightning flash is made of. It is because of men, who were willing to live in the worst of conditions at a construction site, and climb up great heights on poles held by rusting bolts and without any safety..... The humankind owes a lot to men. Your denying of facts and naming twenty women won't change anything. Stop fucking trying to destroy the force that brought you here. Men have secured the borders, set fair systems in place and those systems are getting tweaked to suit modern day. Women are enetering every field that were exclusively for men. Not because that women suddenly found themseleves tough and strong, or they discovered some hidden power, but because the risks in those activities have been decreased significantly by the sweat and blood of men. You can cry about not having good food when you have lots of money and lots of food, but when you have neither you just shut up, and eat what is there hoping it won't kill you, and stop whining about it. Its not to say that women have been absolute lazy ass. Women had held their homes together, and thus the whole society in toughest of times. They have undergones as much hardships and even abuse. I am not just talking about home. In world war 2 women were the only reason why American economy did not collapse. They have some inherent strength, and understanding of situation where a adrenaline charged man is just clueless. Bottomline, we need our women to be feminine and our men to be masculine if we want to develop further as a species. The problem is more women in work place is a problem, not a solution. Because everything has been designed according to men, outisde the house the society is not curtailed for feminine qualities. So what we have done is that we have fucked up our women. A woman with masculine qualities is now considered a strong woman. We hace masculinised our women. And no they aren't happy about it. The safe society is fairly a new thing in our natural history and it will take some more time to adapt and tweak the society to suit it to the present situation. And people are doing it in am awfully stupid way. They are masculinising the women and feminising the men. All that was needed was to tweak the system where women would not had to pretend to be hard task masters and shrewd buisnessmen. And changing men is no way to do it. If men have brought the concept of freedom and equity, they are capable of changing the system to suit better to women. But beating them down, only appeal to their other basic instinct that is to either attack or retreat, thats why you don't find them agreeing to any demands.
Also observe those 'masculine' men who are feminists or SjW, the havent stopped being men. They are ever ready to enter an all out brawl with the men on other side. Men will remain men, whatever philosophy they follow.
Truly pathetic. Defensive much?