AITA for changing my FIL's house rules while taking care of his children? Dusty Reads & Reacts!
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AITA for changing my FIL's house rules while taking care of his children?
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I say this a lot, but a lot of people who want kids don't want to be parents. That's what I feel is the case with the FIL here. Clearly, his kids are great kids. When given freedom, their response isn't laziness; they helped OP out with chores and other things. It's him who isn't being a parent. I wish those kids a very easy no contact once they're old enough to have a say.
NTA - FIL is pissed cuz the prisoner camp he was running isn't flowing smoothly, and he has to actually put in effort to get them "back in line", when what he needs to do is be a man and a father. It's one thing to teach your kids these important life skills, it's another to to use and abuse them as your work force. FIL is a jerk.
1. His Rules are _abusive._
2. His Rules are causing them too much Stress
3. His Rules, and the stress caused by them, are the reason the kids are failing at school.
4. The Kids are better off at their Half-Brother's place than at their "father's" place.
My parents expected me to be the built-in babysitter (my siblings were 10&12 years younger and the newborn got put in my room). In HS I had the kids after school through the week, several nights a week had to make dinner & get them to bed, tutor their friends, dishes, floors, bathroom, mow and outdoor chores, and work on the weekend - 8 hours both Sat & Sun as a cashier, babysat most Sat nights - usually my siblings & kids of my parent's friends they volunteered me for, and had to keep grades up. Ended up dropping out of sports after sophomore year because I "wasn't good enough at them and my time would be better spent watching my sisters than wasting time on something that was going nowhere." Then they wondered why I moved states away and never wanted kids. He'll also wonder why the kids move away once they can.
Nope, NTA! IMO any of the other family members siding with your FIL can be the ones to care for the kids BY HIS RULES if that's how they feel. If they're unwilling to watch the kids for any extended periods of time, then they can STFU!
I had to travel for a week, and I left my cat in the care of my neighbor. My cat is a binge eater, so I keep him on a portion controlled diet. My neighbor is very indulgent; his own cats look like bowling balls. As expected, I came home to a chubby cat. He was otherwise well taken care of, and within two weeks, he was back to a healthy weight. Point is, a sitter will never do things exactly the way you do, especially if they are doing it as a favor. Pick your battles.
The FIL's house sounds like the house I grew up in. The only difference is all of the work and chores fell on me while my little brother got away with everything.
Even The Mandalorian doesn't think this is the way.
It’s just a thing that is all too common, the OP is made to feel like an ASCON. Then the other family get involved and say “you can’t do that” and side with the ASCON (for some stupid reason) and then it begs the question - “WELL, WHY DON’T YOU DO IT THEN? OFFER THEM YOUR HELP”. But nooooo, they won’t get their hands dirty and help, they are just going to judge them from afar. This post is so textbook of this.
Nope.... they did what they needed to do to survive the 2 weeks
What are the rules like for living with their mom? If they are similar to what OP was doing then the message they got was, mom is okay with us putting school first, and so is auntie, so maybe it is just Dad that is in the wrong. How does their mom think of the dad's treatment of the kids? This sounds like she can use it for full custody if she played her cards right.
Had the same thoughts. Possibly OP should talk to the mom and make sure she knows why the kids have been struggling.
NTA, they made things work when a bad parent didn't do right.
My kids rotate between doing the dishes one week and taking out the trash - Trash is emptied twice a week and taken to the curb for pick up - sometimes dishes is 3 times a week (loading and unloading the dishwasher). Then every other week they have to clean a bathroom - that's all they have for regular chores. They are 19 and 17. Asking kids to help out and do stuff to keep the house they also live in clean isn't asking too much. But having them do everything is a lot. School always comes first in our house though!
NTA, OP wanted the 2 week to be less drama, more teaching
NTA, Sounds like they are piling on too much on them, their job is school and some chores ....
NTA. Not at all. Those poor kids sound like his servants never mind his children.
They did all the same things, just not piled on them all at once
Children are more than capable of dealing with adults who have different expectations of them. I'd like to know how things are at their moms house. OP has strong opinions about FIL and his treatment of the children, but the childcare is 2 weeks with one parent then 2 weeks with the other parent. So how does mom do homework and chores with these kids? Is being with OP REALLY the first time the kids have seen a different way to do things or is the issue just that they were at dad's house but being treated differently than usual in that specific location?
This pisses me off. My two bff's who are twins had their parents treat them like unpaid employees too. Even to the extent they had to make dinner. One sister literally got slapped hard when she didn't do something right. This gives me that vibe. He's a pos.
NTA
OP Doesn't have children, but they're already a better parent than father in law.
NTA.
❤️
Those rules are not bad. It’s called chores. If they’re all doing it together to get it done then it’s fine.
If their schoolwork was suffering then improved with the new structure, then clearly it wasn't fine.
I don’t like it because she comes in cocky and making massive judgements on how he lives his life and his job and maybe she doesn’t know everything. She basically came in and said aita if I came in and did a better job at parenting than the actual parent? I don’t trust her.
FIL is an asshole, but it's still his house. And his expectations were when got back home things were going to be the same, and good or bad as a parent you have right to expect that. She should have made it very clear, that these are rules, while we're around, when you dad comes home, it's back to what he wants. The only reason we are calling this NTA is because it's very clear that FIL isn't a good father. If he was a good dad and was upset coming home to kids not wanting to do what they were told we would be on his side. As an aunt with several family members not being good parents, I understand the desire to want change stuff for the kids, but if the kids have to go back to the bad parents, you are only making it worse for them. when I get my nieces and nephews and while they with me they have they have to follow my rules, it's always been that way. I have rules that their parents don't have, and I let them do stuff their parents don't. I make it clear, that I understand there is difference and at their mom's or dad's they better do what they say. I will even say, I don't agree with everything, but they're the parent and you have to follow their rule unless it's abusive or puts you in danger. Ex, currently my 2 of my nieces are the oldest in their household, their mother has 4 other children, 3 of which are under 4. Guess who in charge of the kids and does most of the housework in that house? I can't change that; I don't like it. When they are at my house, they don't have to do much, I take care of them. But when they go back home, they know not to expect that. When my other brother called out my other niece and I was very sure he was wrong, all I could was tell him, I think she's telling the truth, and you are being unfair. I told her I believe her and but if she is lying, my ability to believe her in the future would be damage, the school confirm she wasn't lying, but I couldn't do anything. If my bother told her she can't get snack, I would have to back him. Bottom line, do what you can and help the kids out as much you can, but always make it clear that when they go back home, or their parent is around they are in charge and it's their rules even if you don't like them. Just because you don't like someone's parenting style doesn't mean you get to undermine it and that's what she did. Again, I would probably have done something similar, but they would know it was only temporary as to not cause problems when parents get home. Good or bad, no parent wants to come back home to kids that are now talking back to them and not doing what they say.
From the sound of things, she did make it clear that it was only for the two weeks: "I sat them down, explained that I get, that they have a certain way of doing things around the house, but *for the next two weeks* it's my house, my rules." They didn't question it because OP didn't communicate, they questioned it because they realized that there's another option besides their father's idea of parenting.
1. Father is abusive.
2. His rules are causing the kids stress.
3. His rules and the stress are the reason the kids are failing.
4. The kids are better off w/o _ever_ going back to their "father's" place.
Remember the part in which OP explained that the kids don't have _time_ to do everything? Their father's first expectation is to come home to his wife, pregnant, barefoot, in the kitchen cleaning up after cooking while dinner is on the table ready for him to eat.
Since he doesn't have that slave, he's turned his children into his slaves. _If_ they don't do their "chores" they will be punished... if that means they don't do this super important project that they need to do for school, well, tough. It means they don't sleep.
It's that... they finally understood what it meant to _not_ be slaves.
@@aralornwolf3140 , legally, making your kids do most of housework isn't seen as abusive. And as someone that has been told by a lawyer that just because the kids are stressed and unhappy, you can't just take kids away, you have to learn to balance your rules with the bad parents. My nieces with younger siblings, their mom lost custody of them for over a year. My mom and me took them in made sure they had everything they need. And when their mom got out of treatment, the state gave them back. And the kids wanted to go, they are old enough to say, no. They won't even though they hate taking care of their sibling they still stay with their mom. Even though we have told them just say the word and we will fight for them. Even though there drug use, drink, DM they still stay.
On some level it is great that the kids are questioning stuff, but unless OP is going to take them away from him or works harder to smooth the transition, this will only hurt the kids, more than anyone else. I know this from experience.
Then dude needs to pay a babysitter. Might be a free babysitter or get your rules 100% covered.
@@icygubler , and she should have been ready for them questioning it.
My point is, on some level it is great that the kids are questioning stuff, but unless OP is going to take them away from him, this will only hurt the kids, more than anyone else. I know from experience, I know that if I can't take the kids away, my best bet to help the kids and give them an outlet and a safe space I have to play nice with the bad parent. Because, they have power to cut me off.
She should be smoothing things out for the kids and talking to them, so things don't get worse for them. She's not wrong, but she's isn't helping the kids either.