I always sit back & watch people. I'm an observer, introvert & INFJ. My mother had a rough childhood & was always hyper vigilant and nervous. She didn't seem to enjoy having children. She was always putting tasks above any bonding or connection. I am here to learn. She passed in 2015. I feel sad she wasn't able to simply; " enjoy her life."
Sorry to hear about your mother. I only recently learned about the INFJ personality type and believe I am this type also, suddenly so much made sense. It fascinates me and I wonder, how much of this are we born with and how much do we learn and become through our childhood experiences 🙏
I am INFJ too:). It's such a combo (to me) of how we come out of the womb and then what shapes who we become...We are just always reading our caregivers and it becomes really difficult to "turn off" as we become adults. Sending love and healing to you both today:)
I pay a lot of attention to other people's tone of voice and facial expressions because I have to. And when I don't want to deal with that, I avoid humans. It's super annoying and I'm glad you mentioned it. I always thought I was strange for doing that all my life. Can't wait to see more videos on this topic.
I so understand - humans can be so stressful and being on our own is often the only time our nervous systems can truly relax. Thank you for being here and sharing:)
i just entered the video , when you say hi i am dr kim sage , it gives me chills and i relax in a second. Your videos have been my safe place. When i feel going to sympathetic state i am watching your tiktok videos and they are helping me to stay in ventral state... thank you , thank you thank you ... ❤️❤️❤️🙏
Hello Dr Sage, I am currently playing catch up on your videos after a very busy period... I can say with 100% certainty that I struggle with hypervigilance everyday, even though I am no longer in an unsafe environment. I learned very early on to 'read' my mother, and I still do it to this day. I can also always tell you who the most dangerous person is in a room, because I am always unconsciously trying to identify the unsafe person. It's completely exhausting.
Yup, hearing tires on the gravel meant dads home from work, instant anxiety as a child. When dad was home, that meant you gotta walk on eggshells, or else, you suffer his wrath... A narcissistic recipe for hyper-vigilance
I am very hyper-vigilant. I can often pickup on abuse/relationship issues in other’s relationships before they do because I’m so observant of changes in behaviour. Like I often know when a friend partner is going to leave them months before it happens from small changes… I’m very paranoid that everyone is being abused behind closed doors so pay close attention. It’s exhausting.
I can really relate to this. My dad bought us up after our mum left thr family and he was emotionally unstable and unavailable for many years before his death. After he attempted to take his life, as the eldest and parentalised child I became constantly hypervigilant, worrying that downward changes in his mood were my fault. I would do all I could to make him happy to avoid loosing another parent and this has carried forward into my adult relationships and self worth and by being a 'busy achiever'. A challenge recently is in bringing up my own teens, the eldest of whom often now rejects me, or so it feels. It is really hard not to be triggered by this. I do feel there are some positives to take from being this way though, I think it can give us huge insights in to how others are feeling and allows us to be empathetic. My husband will often say that I read too much in to what others say or do to my detriment though. Really looking forward to this topic, thank you 🙏💙
Reminds me of the scene in PollyAnna when the house keeper says Sundays are the worst and everyone has a sour stomach for the day and she asks why.. housekeeper says just wait “you’ll see”
I have an issue with crying I can’t do that but during your talk my eyes start dripping . Everything u just mentioned is me completely! I had the most terrible childhood of all times u don’t wish it for your worst enemy . But it’s fate ! When I grow old I realized there was as an advantage which is I can’t be fooled or lied to i can read peoples’ emotions feelings, body language ,voice tone ,eyes language thanks to that traumatized i had . I intend to fix all this problems that nobody knows about before I get into any serious relationship. My future Kids I promise you I’ll make you better than i was .
I learned not to get out of bed immediately in the mornings and to wait quietly in my bedroom until my mom got up in the morning because I could tell by the sound of her footsteps coming down the hall to start her day if I was going to be her chosen enemy that day or not and I always wanted to prepare myself. If her footsteps were light, I knew it was going to be a good day and she would probably even want to do something fun with me that day. If they were hard and quick, she was going to burst into my bedroom to tell me all about how I am responsible for everything wrong with her life and how I, at 8 years old, have definitely been conspiring against her with other people to make sure we ruin her life and everything I did from putting on my underwear to how I walk to the way I eat my cereal to the traffic she encountered while driving me to school was going wrong and my fault. I am 38 now and I am now hypervigilant with preparations to the point that I just won't do new things if i don't know exactly what to expect. Even the smallest, most insignificant things. Like if someone asks me to pick up something new at the grocery store, i need them to tell me exactly what aisle it's on, what side it faces, what color the label is, etc. If I'm picking up my niece at school, her mom has to tell me exactly where to park, what door to go into, who to ask, what I will need when i get there. I overprepare for EVERY. SINGLE. LITTLE. THING. and I shut down if I don't have enough preparation because the resulting anxiety it causes is so overwhelming. Meeting new people, especially if i don't have someone I know well there with me as a buffer is almost panic inducing, because I don't know what to expect out of that person and how to prepare for them. I have had the same crappy job for 11 years now because job interviews are so difficult for me that I just avoid it completely. I never realized the connection until this very "light bulb" moment. Thank you!
Wow, I'm blown away by your comment. I have this as well but to a lesser degree. I also remember listening to my parents' footsteps. Sound like you might also be an HSP - Highly sensitive person. Highly sensitive children are much more affected by childhood trauma. That's amazing though that you are so self-aware. Understanding is definitely the first step to healing.
I’m excited for this weeks videos and very intrigued. I do feel I am in a chronic hyper-vigilant state, with my job, my marriage, my kids, my family, and even with friends. I do wonder if there is any information about the varying degrees of hyper-vigilant reactions based of varying triggers? Meaning, before I understood much about my own mental health, I chose a profession in medicine and gravitated toward a high stress career in cardiothoracic anesthesia. Oddly enough, when in a «high stakes» case, I feel the flight or fight, but I tend to perform well while keeping calm and clear headed. Put me in a room with my mother, and I instantly feel there is a hungry lion in front of me with the cage door wide open. I have been on a journey over the past three years with talk therapy, EMDR, and CBT. I remember in the beginning expressing concern that if I went down this path and tried to work through my childhood traumas, that it would have a negative impact on my relationship with my mother. More specifically, I worried I wouldn’t be able to attain a healthy relationship with healthy boundaries with her. Unfortunately, that is where I am finding myself today with her. Unable to address, approach, or share felling with her without being met with complete obstinance, defiance, avoidance, and repeated threats on her part to «end our relationship forever». An idea that was deeply imbedded in me as far back as my very earliest memories. Sometimes I feel I am making progress (not with my mom, but with myself). Other days I find myself questioning and doubting every choice and every thought. Analyzing things down to the most minute details. Creating negative narratives in my head of what others must think about me. Worrying constantly if I’m doing the right things or if my actions are hurting anyone else. I quickly fall back on old habits of taking on other’s problems, often sacrificing my own well-being. I’ve watched many of your videos and can tell just from the title, that I will find myself thinking, «yes! That’s me!» So thank you very much and keep ‘em coming!
I always say those of us raised in more chaotic environments can become weirdly calm in the midst of a storm. We had to - and I do see it often playing out in our chosen fields. Sending love and healing!
I'd learned to listen for 'footsteps' that way I knew which direction my drunken violent father was coming from, then I could gauge how long we had to hid any implement, he could possibly hurt our mom with, whilst we lay upstairs, listening to his vile talk and knowing he would try and attack her and possibly kill her, we her 7 children lay in wait, knowing at some point we would have to rune down and help save her!
Another timely video. I have taken some time out from engagement with other members of a mental health support forum, to enable me to slow down and review where I am at. I put in a fair bit over the last twelve months and really got to a stage where I felt that I was overloading. Other people have evidently reached the same stage at times, so it is apparently not unusual. I live in Australia, am at the older part of my life {avoiding saying older end....}, but am also still dealing with issues from the past. Recently, I have been considering applying myself to a restricted, not even range, but a couple of activities. Gardening is one of those, but I hope that like a plant, I may outgrow the pot and extend myself further. I am active in a quiet sort of way in my community. I really appreciate the calmness that you project when I view your videos. That calmness is reassuring and even relaxing. I was trying to catch a thought just then. It may sound strange but non-threatening comes to mind. Somehow, since I first subscribed to your video conversations a while back, a couple have caught my eye, so I will be making a point of 'attending' your presentations. I do believe that they will be helpful and I am probably at a stage where I will be able to utilise the information and apply it in my life. Thank you.
How I see my hyper vigilant hearing. is we’re more sensitive to frequencies. Especially if they’re negative. When people think out loud, they speak at a different frequency with their mouth slightly open and their tongue moving they’re still air coming out of their passage. Just a diffrent frequency. We don’t hear voices that aren’t there. We can hear people thinking out loud. And negative -ones affect us more but instead we get diagnosed with psychotic disorders when the truth is we are fine. It’s just too fine. which is why we’re so empathetic because we can hear all the negativity that people keep to themselves and it’s just heartbreaking
And it’s not delusional is just we know that people won’t accept it or won’t accept us. So when we’re brave enough to say it, we get pumped full of drugs and told that we’re psychotic and crazy.. we can hear even our own frequency and we don’t even like hearing the things we think. That’s the rooted reality of it , the problem is people are always looking for the problem when there is none. Like the light sensitivity I’m hyper vigilant. I want to go see my eye doctor and they didn’t prescribe me anything special.. I’m diagnosed hyper vigilant. No one‘s giving me special earbuds. I had to learn how to manage it to the point where I’m not irritated and everyone’s intuitive and critical thoughts. More emotion put into it.. We have to be understanding. Because if we’re honest about it, no one would understand us. We are the misunderstood victims of evolutionary impairment that people refuse to understand
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I always sit back & watch people. I'm an observer, introvert & INFJ. My mother had a rough childhood & was always hyper vigilant and nervous. She didn't seem to enjoy having children. She was always putting tasks above any bonding or connection. I am here to learn. She passed in 2015. I feel sad she wasn't able to simply; " enjoy her life."
Sorry to hear about your mother. I only recently learned about the INFJ personality type and believe I am this type also, suddenly so much made sense. It fascinates me and I wonder, how much of this are we born with and how much do we learn and become through our childhood experiences 🙏
I am INFJ too:). It's such a combo (to me) of how we come out of the womb and then what shapes who we become...We are just always reading our caregivers and it becomes really difficult to "turn off" as we become adults. Sending love and healing to you both today:)
I am INFJ too and another friend of mine who has CPTSD as well is also an INFJ. Coincidence?
I am an introvert & an INFJ as well. How interesting...
I’m an INFJ too. How come we are all INFJs
I pay a lot of attention to other people's tone of voice and facial expressions because I have to. And when I don't want to deal with that, I avoid humans. It's super annoying and I'm glad you mentioned it. I always thought I was strange for doing that all my life. Can't wait to see more videos on this topic.
I so understand - humans can be so stressful and being on our own is often the only time our nervous systems can truly relax. Thank you for being here and sharing:)
I would like to learn to use my 'spidy sense' in a more helpful way instead of using it to navigate the eggshell field that is my home! :)
i just entered the video , when you say hi i am dr kim sage , it gives me chills and i relax in a second. Your videos have been my safe place. When i feel going to sympathetic state i am watching your tiktok videos and they are helping me to stay in ventral state... thank you , thank you thank you ... ❤️❤️❤️🙏
I find this too, she has such a soothing and calming voice and manner. 🙏 Its a lovely feeling when the video notification comes through too 😊
Thank you so much - so very kind to hear and makes me so happy that it's helping in some way! Sending love and healing and lots of calmmmmmmm:)
@@allwellandgood8547 Aww...thank you and so lovely to hear! Thank you so much!:)
I agree, such a soothing vibe and down to earth, easy to engage with. We need this type of connection. Thank you Dr. Kim Sage!💞
Hello Dr Sage, I am currently playing catch up on your videos after a very busy period...
I can say with 100% certainty that I struggle with hypervigilance everyday, even though I am no longer in an unsafe environment. I learned very early on to 'read' my mother, and I still do it to this day. I can also always tell you who the most dangerous person is in a room, because I am always unconsciously trying to identify the unsafe person. It's completely exhausting.
Yup, hearing tires on the gravel meant dads home from work, instant anxiety as a child.
When dad was home, that meant you gotta walk on eggshells, or else, you suffer his wrath...
A narcissistic recipe for hyper-vigilance
Yep
I am very hyper-vigilant. I can often pickup on abuse/relationship issues in other’s relationships before they do because I’m so observant of changes in behaviour. Like I often know when a friend partner is going to leave them months before it happens from small changes… I’m very paranoid that everyone is being abused behind closed doors so pay close attention. It’s exhausting.
It is so exhausting - I understand. We become so "used to reading the room" and it takes a toll. Sending love and healing:)
I can really relate to this. My dad bought us up after our mum left thr family and he was emotionally unstable and unavailable for many years before his death. After he attempted to take his life, as the eldest and parentalised child I became constantly hypervigilant, worrying that downward changes in his mood were my fault. I would do all I could to make him happy to avoid loosing another parent and this has carried forward into my adult relationships and self worth and by being a 'busy achiever'. A challenge recently is in bringing up my own teens, the eldest of whom often now rejects me, or so it feels. It is really hard not to be triggered by this. I do feel there are some positives to take from being this way though, I think it can give us huge insights in to how others are feeling and allows us to be empathetic. My husband will often say that I read too much in to what others say or do to my detriment though. Really looking forward to this topic, thank you 🙏💙
Reminds me of the scene in PollyAnna when the house keeper says Sundays are the worst and everyone has a sour stomach for the day and she asks why.. housekeeper says just wait “you’ll see”
Whoa! Are you inside my brain? This was scary how spot on this description was. 😳
I have an issue with crying I can’t do that but during your talk my eyes start dripping . Everything u just mentioned is me completely! I had the most terrible childhood of all times u don’t wish it for your worst enemy . But it’s fate ! When I grow old I realized there was as an advantage which is I can’t be fooled or lied to i can read peoples’ emotions feelings, body language ,voice tone ,eyes language thanks to that traumatized i had . I intend to fix all this problems that nobody knows about before I get into any serious relationship. My future Kids I promise you I’ll make you better than i was .
I am so grateful to come across your videos, thank you!
I learned not to get out of bed immediately in the mornings and to wait quietly in my bedroom until my mom got up in the morning because I could tell by the sound of her footsteps coming down the hall to start her day if I was going to be her chosen enemy that day or not and I always wanted to prepare myself. If her footsteps were light, I knew it was going to be a good day and she would probably even want to do something fun with me that day. If they were hard and quick, she was going to burst into my bedroom to tell me all about how I am responsible for everything wrong with her life and how I, at 8 years old, have definitely been conspiring against her with other people to make sure we ruin her life and everything I did from putting on my underwear to how I walk to the way I eat my cereal to the traffic she encountered while driving me to school was going wrong and my fault.
I am 38 now and I am now hypervigilant with preparations to the point that I just won't do new things if i don't know exactly what to expect. Even the smallest, most insignificant things. Like if someone asks me to pick up something new at the grocery store, i need them to tell me exactly what aisle it's on, what side it faces, what color the label is, etc. If I'm picking up my niece at school, her mom has to tell me exactly where to park, what door to go into, who to ask, what I will need when i get there. I overprepare for EVERY. SINGLE. LITTLE. THING. and I shut down if I don't have enough preparation because the resulting anxiety it causes is so overwhelming. Meeting new people, especially if i don't have someone I know well there with me as a buffer is almost panic inducing, because I don't know what to expect out of that person and how to prepare for them. I have had the same crappy job for 11 years now because job interviews are so difficult for me that I just avoid it completely.
I never realized the connection until this very "light bulb" moment. Thank you!
Wow, I'm blown away by your comment. I have this as well but to a lesser degree. I also remember listening to my parents' footsteps. Sound like you might also be an HSP - Highly sensitive person. Highly sensitive children are much more affected by childhood trauma. That's amazing though that you are so self-aware. Understanding is definitely the first step to healing.
I’m excited for this weeks videos and very intrigued. I do feel I am in a chronic hyper-vigilant state, with my job, my marriage, my kids, my family, and even with friends. I do wonder if there is any information about the varying degrees of hyper-vigilant reactions based of varying triggers? Meaning, before I understood much about my own mental health, I chose a profession in medicine and gravitated toward a high stress career in cardiothoracic anesthesia. Oddly enough, when in a «high stakes» case, I feel the flight or fight, but I tend to perform well while keeping calm and clear headed. Put me in a room with my mother, and I instantly feel there is a hungry lion in front of me with the cage door wide open. I have been on a journey over the past three years with talk therapy, EMDR, and CBT. I remember in the beginning expressing concern that if I went down this path and tried to work through my childhood traumas, that it would have a negative impact on my relationship with my mother. More specifically, I worried I wouldn’t be able to attain a healthy relationship with healthy boundaries with her. Unfortunately, that is where I am finding myself today with her. Unable to address, approach, or share felling with her without being met with complete obstinance, defiance, avoidance, and repeated threats on her part to «end our relationship forever». An idea that was deeply imbedded in me as far back as my very earliest memories.
Sometimes I feel I am making progress (not with my mom, but with myself). Other days I find myself questioning and doubting every choice and every thought. Analyzing things down to the most minute details. Creating negative narratives in my head of what others must think about me. Worrying constantly if I’m doing the right things or if my actions are hurting anyone else. I quickly fall back on old habits of taking on other’s problems, often sacrificing my own well-being.
I’ve watched many of your videos and can tell just from the title, that I will find myself thinking, «yes! That’s me!» So thank you very much and keep ‘em coming!
I always say those of us raised in more chaotic environments can become weirdly calm in the midst of a storm. We had to - and I do see it often playing out in our chosen fields. Sending love and healing!
I'd learned to listen for 'footsteps' that way I knew which direction my drunken violent father was coming from, then I could gauge how long we had to hid any implement, he could possibly hurt our mom with, whilst we lay upstairs, listening to his vile talk and knowing he would try and attack her and possibly kill her, we her 7 children lay in wait, knowing at some point we would have to rune down and help save her!
Another timely video. I have taken some time out from engagement with other members of a mental health support forum, to enable me to slow down and review where I am at. I put in a fair bit over the last twelve months and really got to a stage where I felt that I was overloading. Other people have evidently reached the same stage at times, so it is apparently not unusual.
I live in Australia, am at the older part of my life {avoiding saying older end....}, but am also still dealing with issues from the past. Recently, I have been considering applying myself to a restricted, not even range, but a couple of activities. Gardening is one of those, but I hope that like a plant, I may outgrow the pot and extend myself further. I am active in a quiet sort of way in my community.
I really appreciate the calmness that you project when I view your videos. That calmness is reassuring and even relaxing. I was trying to catch a thought just then. It may sound strange but non-threatening comes to mind. Somehow, since I first subscribed to your video conversations a while back, a couple have caught my eye, so I will be making a point of 'attending' your presentations. I do believe that they will be helpful and I am probably at a stage where I will be able to utilise the information and apply it in my life. Thank you.
I am so happy you are here - thank you and please take good care today.:)
Thank you again!!!
I definitely have low key/chronic hyper vigilance.
How I see my hyper vigilant hearing. is we’re more sensitive to frequencies. Especially if they’re negative. When people think out loud, they speak at a different frequency with their mouth slightly open and their tongue moving they’re still air coming out of their passage. Just a diffrent frequency. We don’t hear voices that aren’t there. We can hear people thinking out loud. And negative -ones affect us more but instead we get diagnosed with psychotic disorders when the truth is we are fine. It’s just too fine. which is why we’re so empathetic because we can hear all the negativity that people keep to themselves and it’s just heartbreaking
And it’s not delusional is just we know that people won’t accept it or won’t accept us. So when we’re brave enough to say it, we get pumped full of drugs and told that we’re psychotic and crazy.. we can hear even our own frequency and we don’t even like hearing the things we think. That’s the rooted reality of it , the problem is people are always looking for the problem when there is none. Like the light sensitivity I’m hyper vigilant. I want to go see my eye doctor and they didn’t prescribe me anything special.. I’m diagnosed hyper vigilant. No one‘s giving me special earbuds. I had to learn how to manage it to the point where I’m not irritated and everyone’s intuitive and critical thoughts. More emotion put into it.. We have to be understanding. Because if we’re honest about it, no one would understand us. We are the misunderstood victims of evolutionary impairment that people refuse to understand
Because we hear it and if no one else did, it’s not true when the person who thought it won’t come forward with the fact that it is