Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇 Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 ‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
Many of us have spent a lifetime being abused by family members who have disguised bad behavior with "love" It has ruined our lives by us repeating bad behaviors in our own relationships. For anyone to suggest that "going no contact" is an "immature reaction" does not comprehend how difficult it is for us to FINALLY view our lives as meaningful and worthy. No one deserves to place themselves in harms way. No one deserves to have lazy parents who refuse to see their bad behavior for what it is .... passed down trauma.
I appreciate your comment. When you have been so hurt by people who say they love you yet cause such emotional pain and attack your weaknesses over and over again, to go no contact is a very wise decision to finally say, I realize I have value and worth and will not subject myself to such dishonor, disrespect, put downs, and/or verbal abuse anymore. Some people including family members we need to love from a distance for our own well-being and mental and emotional health
Very interesting... I learned that it was safer emotionally once I healed when I kept my distance from the people that were a part of my trauma . I felt like in their presence I was subjecting myself to abuse and being very uncomfortable. . I for sure want to hear all of this !
@@saracoffey5454 a person needs to give herself/himself permission to stay away and live the life they were meant to live instead of getting pulled back into toxic/dysf dynamics that keep you stuck, not living the life you were born to live! This doesn't mean you are in unforgiveness, it means you now have enough awareness to say this is not good for me to be my freer, fuller self. You must love these people from a distance. They are below the veil, as Lisa Romano says in her UA-cam videos. "You cannot love someone into healthy" says, Dr. Ramona Probasco, Psychologist in CA
Thank you. I had a picture that might help others...as a scapegoat you are empty - your insides are just a bin for everyone else - a recepticle for their rubbish / trash. Replace this with a vision of a new and true inner framework, holding your most precious humanity....capacity to be stable, capacity to be sexual, capacity to understand self and selfhood, capacity to love, capacity to speak / communicate / express, capacity for insight and spirituality. All connected, all flowing and helping each other.
Yitz brings up a great point with perfect observation. If you automatically move to the other side of the street to avoid someone, in my opinion (and possibly others opinions) it speaks volumes to how deeply imbedded, unconscious and repressed those feelings and behaviors are. If you stay on the same side of the street realizing you may have an awkward encounter, you’ve just driven those imbedded, unconscious and repressed feelings into the light of day. Just as Carl Jung posited; “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” And in The Allegory of the Cave (from Plato’s Republic VII) you can get free of your own mental prison and experience what is real rather than what is false. Them light may hurt your eyes for a little while, but you’ll be better for having come out of the darkness.
Understood... no contact is necessary for your own peace after long bouts of trying to manage a relationship that just hasn’t changed ! I agree with the immaturity being associated with cut offs particularly avoidance !
i don't know that cut offs, the way the walking down the street example goes, are necessarily immature. You DON'T want a relationship with this person. Why would you want to sort things out? Why not avoid further issues? It's a strange explanation. I think he means all these things as applicable to one's family of origin. Yes, in that instance, I agree that cut off is an immature reaction, bc you cannot truly cut them off that easily, not from inside of you. That's right. But otherwise, you don't give a shit about someone, why would you care to sort out any issues? walk over to the other side of the street, by all means! figuratively and literally.
When I go "no contact" I let the person know I need a break from the relationship. I tell the person how I feel and how they hurt me. I need to stay away, heal, and take time to become stronger and have a better strategy when relating to a toxic person. "No contact" can give me the space I need to evaluate and investigate the relationship. Sometimes "Barricades" need to be put in place to protect us from an abusive person. We deserve to be safe!
Agree. My conflict is what to do when it's a parent uses guilt language. I'm not sure how to address this issue. It bothers me when I hear this language and I feel inauthentic by not addressing it as well.
Excellent and polarizing discussion! I, myself, having had cut off and then uncut the cut off, then ultimately walked through the dark woods.. I can say you both are absolutely correct in my opinion. It isn’t the others we need to fix, it is ourselves. And I believe the cut off may be a necessary part of the process, similarly to a relapse, where we temporarily cause ourselves more suffering in our choice to rapidly self differentiate; then eventually realize we weren’t ready Or we need to grow into our power through that person (people) and then if we move or grow apart (particularly especially because at least one of us is doing the work and actually growing..) then so be it. But at least in this scenario it wasn’t an emotional, pre-mature cut off and it is the universal playing out of people entering and exiting our lives when the seasons change. So yeah, if that makes sense, it’s okay to cut off but do the work, return and step into your power of being strong in uncomfortable situations that we know won’t harm us emotionally unless we allow them to. Thank you again for your insights! Both of you!!!
Always had this strange feeling leading me to the edge of the world, arriving there I knew it was time to go back, the exact way I came there... It felt like a natural instinct, something deeply ingrained in my body. Thank you for the video!
Now that I'm doing inner child healing my siblings don't want to talk to me. They are still bewitched by the fasade6 of being godlike that my broken parents showed us. I was the rejected one. Too bad they don't want to take them off the pedestal they built within us. Praise Jesus for showing me the truth
I went no contact before I knew what no contact was and yet I still think it was a mature decision. I saw an Aunt that I’m in no contact with at a funeral. She ignored me but I said hi and acknowledged her. Clearly she’s the emotionally immature person.
Jerry and Yitz, your videos have walked me through each step of this process and answered some of the questions I’ve struggled with along the way. Thank you for these free videos. 🙏 Soooo grateful!
Great info as usual….yay- it’s Yitz!!!! It’s nice to hear from guest therapists. Everyone brings pearls of wisdom to the conversation and t the listener can absolutely apply that info to their own circumstances. Mazel tov and slaiinte. (Irish Gaelic ‘to your health’ ) to both of you Keep up the great , essential information!!!!
I'm listening and trying to relate to this distinction. However IMO I don't see that one or the other are equally less required necessary or needed. Even if its reactivity then that person understands they can't handle the interaction. They in that situation are making a mature choice of what they can or can't handle. Similar to the need to set boundaries based on what's ok or not ok for you.
hi mary and tanya i understand where you both are coming from i thought sharing my experience may help or not but i hope it does to me the 'reactivity' they speak of doesnt sound like just 'regular' 'normal' 'everyday' reactions and from my own experience because ive struggled with emotional dysregulation and reactivity all my life it resonates with me that it may be 'that' type reactivity it is not connected to to any awareness as the reactions are happening reactivity fills the void where regulation of emotions should be but arent present that would explain why you cant understand the difference because you dont operate from a 'reactive' place basically your reactions are chosen responses which is the healthiest way where my reactions happen and then only later the thinking about whether i did what i should or shouldnt have done and its too late to choose a response if you read this thanks and happy healing
Thanks for sharing, Pam. I appreciate your honesty. Question - Once you realize that you were reactive and may have done harm, do you feel shame or regret. And if you do, are you able to apologize? Trying to understand why someone very close to me goes so far off the rails with her devastatingly cruel words, but seems to ever acknowledge the hurt she inflicts on me. Despartely trying to understand.
@@marypaulosky2214 Yes racked with shame and guilt! It causes me anguish, sleepless nights, and self loathing. I have had some improvement by practicing self forgiveness. I also learned that for someone like me the techniqe of focusing on the physical sensations happening in my body may be the only way to connect my mind to awareness during a highly reactive state. It works. So I have started practicing that now. I can become aware sooner and sooner. I didnt even realize I was having a physical reaction because I was 'stuck in my mind'. But indeed I was having a increase in heart rate and breathing and a full body tensing when I was reactive. This lead me to realize that the chronic neck and shoulder pain i had suffered for years was due to this reactive state i spent so much time in. There is something known as 'body armouring' that i relate to. Importantly though none of this excuses what I day and do I am still solely responsible and accountable. Thanks for the question. I hope this helps in some way.
Needed this! Got some validation and also further guidance on more areas I need to work on and address. Yet another gold mine of a video, thank you!! :)
Hello sirs, I know requests might be a no-no for you, because you probably schedule the topics and the videos that you want to talk about beforehand. It would be really really helpful though, if you could talk a bit about: When someone thinks he is at fault for thinking a certain way, or behaving a certain way, because he associates his actions with the reactions of the people around him, and thinks that it's always something that he did, even though that's not the case. Someone that beliefs that other people's judgement is life or death, and walls off many things in his mind that he cannot access. People growing up believing that it's their fault when their mother snapped at them. Specific example, but I just had to be clear.
Jerry, I really enjoy your video collaberations with Yitz. Very interesting discussion. I think our family is beyond repair. Would healing involve a mediator with all family members? Just curious.
i don't know that cut offs, the way the walking down the street example goes, are necessarily immature. It's called, pick your battles. You DON'T want a relationship with this person. Why not avoid further issues? It's a strange explanation. I think he means all these things as applicable to one's family of origin. Yes, in that instance, I agree that a cut off is an immature reaction, bc you cannot truly cut them off that easily, not from inside of you. That's right. But otherwise, you don't give a shit about someone, why would you care to sort out any issues? walk over to the other side of the street, by all means! figuratively and literally.
Hello, I agree with you completely . A person had already cut you of with stonewalling, threats, all forms of abuse, Unapologetic and repeating the same and it worsening during every phone call, visit, letters and every form of interaction with them including violence. It my case my father was given clear boundaries I needed to have followed to heal in therapy. He was also given crystal clear instructions that I need these boundaries in place from all people I interact with as they were not a single person boundary system. The boundaries were to teach my daughter and I healthy relationships and communication with others. We escaped a covert dangerous psychopathic husband and father Before it was too late. My father did the exact opposite of the information And his behavior instantly got worse. I though about my father and a plan of action for one year. It was at that point I sent him a text message requesting NO CONTACT with my father. My doing this would Result in the loss my financial
Hhmmmm I’m unsure about this one. I will have to process it more. What I’ve experienced on my side of the family is a denying that anything ever happened. I don’t know if so want to reconnect and or try to give them space into my life. I still talk to some of them - It’s just different in how I show up and with giving them access to me.
But surely, the independence is that that guilt-tripping doesn't make you feel guilty, that you stand in your own corner, backing yourself. There's been no contact between my parents and me (or my brother) for nearly a year now because I told them they'd hurt me. But I know that if they would ever talk to me, I'd respond. So it's not a policy to cut them off. They're just not contacting me.
Hi Jerry, I enjoyed this video, and it addressed something I have been thinking about. I have been no contact for two years, I’m now 75, and my sisters and I are getting old. One of my older sisters recently died, I didn’t go to the funeral because it would have been too awkward. One of my younger sisters has always been the narcissist, and would use gaslighting on me before I had ever heard the phrases, I was confused, but now that I’m wise to what she was doing, I’m wondering if I tried to make peace with them, how would I handle the gaslighting when it happens ? Do I respond, ignore, what do I do? I would like to at least be on good enough terms with them to see them when a family member is sick or has died, I also would like a chance to show them that I am not as naive person that I used to be, not by announcing but showing them in the way that I act when they try to treat me like the scapegoat.
I wanna say something about guilt, cutting parents off, etc: remember people, your parents are going to die, one day. Just think about how guilty/whatever you might feel then, if you haven't addressed your issues with them. Or if you haven't done the best you can do. This is what pushes me to try and do my best. I know they'll die, and our time is limited.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
Many of us have spent a lifetime being abused by family members who have disguised bad behavior with "love" It has ruined our lives by us repeating bad behaviors in our own relationships. For anyone to suggest that "going no contact" is an "immature reaction" does not comprehend how difficult it is for us to FINALLY view our lives as meaningful and worthy. No one deserves to place themselves in harms way. No one deserves to have lazy parents who refuse to see their bad behavior for what it is .... passed down trauma.
I appreciate your comment. When you have been so hurt by people who say they love you yet cause such emotional pain and attack your weaknesses over and over again, to go no contact is a very wise decision to finally say, I realize I have value and worth and will not subject myself to such dishonor, disrespect, put downs, and/or verbal abuse anymore.
Some people including family members we need to love from a distance for our own well-being and mental and emotional health
🤗🙏🕊❤
i know the pain but having studies extensively with jerry 'emotional cuttoff' is NOT the same as 'no contact'
4:30 and jerry specifically says no contact IS mature so no reason to try to argue this point
@@pamelaruth7400 sometimes it’s thinking out loud to help ourselves and reassure ourselves.
Sometimes the cutoff is to examine the plan and determine the amount of stamine we have to dedicate to it.
Very interesting... I learned that it was safer emotionally once I healed when I kept my distance from the people that were a part of my trauma . I felt like in their presence I was subjecting myself to abuse and being very uncomfortable. . I for sure want to hear all of this !
Agreed. You can’t start the healing if you are caught up in the drama.
@@saracoffey5454 a person needs to give herself/himself permission to stay away and live the life they were meant to live instead of getting pulled back into toxic/dysf dynamics that keep you stuck, not living the life you were born to live!
This doesn't mean you are in unforgiveness, it means you now have enough awareness to say this is not good for me to be my freer, fuller self.
You must love these people from a distance. They are below the veil, as Lisa Romano says in her UA-cam videos.
"You cannot love someone into healthy" says, Dr. Ramona Probasco, Psychologist in CA
Yes I find even a hello text from a abuser triggers me. Block!
Thank you. I had a picture that might help others...as a scapegoat you are empty - your insides are just a bin for everyone else - a recepticle for their rubbish / trash. Replace this with a vision of a new and true inner framework, holding your most precious humanity....capacity to be stable, capacity to be sexual, capacity to understand self and selfhood, capacity to love, capacity to speak / communicate / express, capacity for insight and spirituality. All connected, all flowing and helping each other.
Very good Catherine
Thank you
Yitz brings up a great point with perfect observation. If you automatically move to the other side of the street to avoid someone, in my opinion (and possibly others opinions) it speaks volumes to how deeply imbedded, unconscious and repressed those feelings and behaviors are.
If you stay on the same side of the street realizing you may have an awkward encounter, you’ve just driven those imbedded, unconscious and repressed feelings into the light of day.
Just as Carl Jung posited; “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
And in The Allegory of the Cave (from Plato’s Republic VII) you can get free of your own mental prison and experience what is real rather than what is false. Them light may hurt your eyes for a little while, but you’ll be better for having come out of the darkness.
Understood... no contact is necessary for your own peace after long bouts of trying to manage a relationship that just hasn’t changed ! I agree with the immaturity being associated with cut offs particularly avoidance !
i don't know that cut offs, the way the walking down the street example goes, are necessarily immature. You DON'T want a relationship with this person. Why would you want to sort things out? Why not avoid further issues? It's a strange explanation. I think he means all these things as applicable to one's family of origin. Yes, in that instance, I agree that cut off is an immature reaction, bc you cannot truly cut them off that easily, not from inside of you. That's right. But otherwise, you don't give a shit about someone, why would you care to sort out any issues? walk over to the other side of the street, by all means! figuratively and literally.
When I go "no contact" I let the person know I need a break from the relationship. I tell the person how I feel and how they hurt me. I need to stay away, heal, and take time to become stronger and have a better strategy when relating to a toxic person. "No contact" can give me the space I need to evaluate and investigate the relationship. Sometimes "Barricades" need to be put in place to protect us from an abusive person. We deserve to be safe!
Agree. My conflict is what to do when it's a parent uses guilt language. I'm not sure how to address this issue. It bothers me when I hear this language and I feel inauthentic by not addressing it as well.
The only way out is through 🙌😚❤️👍
Excellent and polarizing discussion! I, myself, having had cut off and then uncut the cut off, then ultimately walked through the dark woods.. I can say you both are absolutely correct in my opinion. It isn’t the others we need to fix, it is ourselves. And I believe the cut off may be a necessary part of the process, similarly to a relapse, where we temporarily cause ourselves more suffering in our choice to rapidly self differentiate; then eventually realize we weren’t ready Or we need to grow into our power through that person (people) and then if we move or grow apart (particularly especially because at least one of us is doing the work and actually growing..) then so be it. But at least in this scenario it wasn’t an emotional, pre-mature cut off and it is the universal playing out of people entering and exiting our lives when the seasons change. So yeah, if that makes sense, it’s okay to cut off but do the work, return and step into your power of being strong in uncomfortable situations that we know won’t harm us emotionally unless we allow them to. Thank you again for your insights! Both of you!!!
Wow. AMEN!!!
very very rich ! thank you both !
Thank you too!
The pen symbolism example was helpful. So hard when innocent children caught in the middle
Subtle but important differences! So helpful, thank you.
Always had this strange feeling leading me to the edge of the world, arriving there I knew it was time to go back, the exact way I came there...
It felt like a natural instinct, something deeply ingrained in my body.
Thank you for the video!
What a blessing to find this discussion 😊 Thank you!!!!
Now that I'm doing inner child healing my siblings don't want to talk to me. They are still bewitched by the fasade6 of being godlike that my broken parents showed us. I was the rejected one. Too bad they don't want to take them off the pedestal they built within us. Praise Jesus for showing me the truth
I went no contact before I knew what no contact was and yet I still think it was a mature decision. I saw an Aunt that I’m in no contact with at a funeral. She ignored me but I said hi and acknowledged her. Clearly she’s the emotionally immature person.
Jerry and Yitz, your videos have walked me through each step of this process and answered some of the questions I’ve struggled with along the way. Thank you for these free videos. 🙏 Soooo grateful!
I really really appreciate this elaboration!!! 🙏❤️ thank you again, for this (unintended) validation!! 😚👌✨
Glad it was helpful!
deep insight, resonate, much appreciated guys.
healing will never happen. Only understanding that violent damaging people with No regard for you will always harm you. Its in their DNA.
Great info as usual….yay- it’s Yitz!!!!
It’s nice to hear from guest therapists. Everyone brings pearls of wisdom to the conversation and t the listener can absolutely apply that info to their own circumstances.
Mazel tov and slaiinte. (Irish Gaelic ‘to your health’ ) to both of you
Keep up the great , essential information!!!!
Thanks for the info Jerry!
I'm listening and trying to relate to this distinction. However IMO I don't see that one or the other are equally less required necessary or needed. Even if its reactivity then that person understands they can't handle the interaction. They in that situation are making a mature choice of what they can or can't handle. Similar to the need to set boundaries based on what's ok or not ok for you.
Yes. Yes. Yes, Tanya!!
hi mary and tanya i understand where you both are coming from i thought sharing my experience may help or not but i hope it does to me the 'reactivity' they speak of doesnt sound like just 'regular' 'normal' 'everyday' reactions and from my own experience because ive struggled with emotional dysregulation and reactivity all my life it resonates with me that it may be 'that' type reactivity it is not connected to to any awareness as the reactions are happening reactivity fills the void where regulation of emotions should be but arent present that would explain why you cant understand the difference because you dont operate from a 'reactive' place basically your reactions are chosen responses which is the healthiest way where my reactions happen and then only later the thinking about whether i did what i should or shouldnt have done and its too late to choose a response if you read this thanks and happy healing
Thanks for sharing, Pam. I appreciate your honesty. Question - Once you realize that you were reactive and may have done harm, do you feel shame or regret. And if you do, are you able to apologize? Trying to understand why someone very close to me goes so far off the rails with her devastatingly cruel words, but seems to ever acknowledge the hurt she inflicts on me. Despartely trying to understand.
@@marypaulosky2214 Yes racked with shame and guilt! It causes me anguish, sleepless nights, and self loathing. I have had some improvement by practicing self forgiveness. I also learned that for someone like me the techniqe of focusing on the physical sensations happening in my body may be the only way to connect my mind to awareness during a highly reactive state. It works. So I have started practicing that now. I can become aware sooner and sooner. I didnt even realize I was having a physical reaction because I was 'stuck in my mind'. But indeed I was having a increase in heart rate and breathing and a full body tensing when I was reactive. This lead me to realize that the chronic neck and shoulder pain i had suffered for years was due to this reactive state i spent so much time in. There is something known as 'body armouring' that i relate to. Importantly though none of this excuses what I day and do I am still solely responsible and accountable. Thanks for the question. I hope this helps in some way.
@@marypaulosky2214 i forgot to say yes I do apologise i have always needed to do that
Great topic and right on time. Thanks!
Glad you liked it!
Needed this! Got some validation and also further guidance on more areas I need to work on and address. Yet another gold mine of a video, thank you!! :)
Hello sirs, I know requests might be a no-no for you, because you probably schedule the topics and the videos that you want to talk about beforehand. It would be really really helpful though, if you could talk a bit about:
When someone thinks he is at fault for thinking a certain way, or behaving a certain way, because he associates his actions with the reactions of the people around him, and thinks that it's always something that he did, even though that's not the case.
Someone that beliefs that other people's judgement is life or death, and walls off many things in his mind that he cannot access.
People growing up believing that it's their fault when their mother snapped at them. Specific example, but I just had to be clear.
Jerry, I really enjoy your video collaberations with Yitz. Very interesting discussion. I think our family is beyond repair. Would healing involve a mediator with all family members? Just curious.
Thank u!
You're welcome!
i don't know that cut offs, the way the walking down the street example goes, are necessarily immature. It's called, pick your battles. You DON'T want a relationship with this person. Why not avoid further issues? It's a strange explanation. I think he means all these things as applicable to one's family of origin. Yes, in that instance, I agree that a cut off is an immature reaction, bc you cannot truly cut them off that easily, not from inside of you. That's right. But otherwise, you don't give a shit about someone, why would you care to sort out any issues? walk over to the other side of the street, by all means! figuratively and literally.
Avoidance of discomfort..automatic avoidance ..becomes automatic. I cut off as well when hurt as a defense mechanism..martyrdom . I don't need anyone
I'm going no contact with anyone close to me who emotionally cuts me off. It's essentially stonewalling, which is immature and potentially abusive.
Hello, I agree with you completely .
A person had already cut you of with stonewalling, threats, all forms of abuse,
Unapologetic and repeating the same and it worsening during every phone call, visit, letters and every form of interaction with them including violence. It my case my father was given clear boundaries I needed to have followed to heal in therapy. He was also given crystal clear instructions that I need these boundaries in place from all people I interact with as they were not a single person boundary system. The boundaries were to teach my daughter and I healthy relationships and communication with others. We escaped a covert dangerous psychopathic husband and father
Before it was too late. My father did the exact opposite of the information
And his behavior instantly got worse.
I though about my father and a plan of action for one year. It was at that point I sent him a text message requesting NO CONTACT with my father. My doing this would Result in the loss my financial
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Hhmmmm I’m unsure about this one. I will have to process it more. What I’ve experienced on my side of the family is a denying that anything ever happened. I don’t know if so want to reconnect and or try to give them space into my life. I still talk to some of them - It’s just different in how I show up and with giving them access to me.
My son uses no contact to control those around him, he does it to everyone.
Stonewalling vs no contact big difference. No contact is THE ADULT speaking. Silent treatment is immature self.
But surely, the independence is that that guilt-tripping doesn't make you feel guilty, that you stand in your own corner, backing yourself. There's been no contact between my parents and me (or my brother) for nearly a year now because I told them they'd hurt me. But I know that if they would ever talk to me, I'd respond. So it's not a policy to cut them off. They're just not contacting me.
Hi Jerry, I enjoyed this video, and it addressed something I have been thinking about. I have been no contact for two years, I’m now 75, and my sisters and I are getting old. One of my older sisters recently died, I didn’t go to the funeral because it would have been too awkward.
One of my younger sisters has always been the narcissist, and would use gaslighting on me before I had ever heard the phrases, I was confused, but now that I’m wise to what she was doing, I’m wondering if I tried to make peace with them, how would I handle the gaslighting when it happens ? Do I respond, ignore, what do I do? I would like to at least be on
good enough terms with them to see them when a family member is sick or has died, I also would like a chance to show them that I am not as naive person that I used to be, not by announcing but showing them in the way that I act when they try to treat me like the scapegoat.
Nah I’m not moving lol 😂 I’ll deal with what ever happens !
I wanna say something about guilt, cutting parents off, etc: remember people, your parents are going to die, one day. Just think about how guilty/whatever you might feel then, if you haven't addressed your issues with them. Or if you haven't done the best you can do. This is what pushes me to try and do my best. I know they'll die, and our time is limited.