Whose Fault When Children Disobey? | Kim Constable | TEDxStormont
Вставка
- Опубліковано 17 жов 2016
- All parents get angry at their children. But there are hugely more effective ways to discipline than anger. Kim Constable, radical unschooling mother of four, discusses how disciplining with anger actually has the opposite effect to the one you want.
Kim Constable is a vegan eating, yoga teaching, online entrepreneur and unschooling advocate. She believes that children deserve the same respect, freedom and rights as adults. She teaches how arbitrary rules that we force upon children, are designed to meet the needs of the adult, not the child. Kim and her husband Ryan exist in partnership with their children, allowing them to live in freedom. Her kids do not attend school and do not participate in any kind of forced learning. Instead they are free to pursue their passions as sources of learning, living life with joy and purpose.
@deyogatox
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx
Listening to this with tears down my face. My dad couldn’t control his anger growing up and I’m 22 still dealing with the trauma. I really want the best for my kids one day.
How do you and your father get along now? Has he apologized for anger?
I love the honesty in this. How many mothers would admit that they hurt their child?
Stories heal and I think it is so important that we as parents are honest with ourselves and with each other. Because acknowledging that you made a mistake is the first step to resolving the issue and becoming a better parent.
NO ONE THEY ALL TURNED OUT FINE. THEN HOW COME THERE ARE SO MANY FREAKING HYPOCRITES AROUND? DID THEY GROW ON THE GROUND BY MAGIC?
I grew up in a home of domestic violence and this talk really moved me. I know just how her child felt when she screamed at him. I'm 47 and the last time someone shouted aggressively at me (my older brother) I had to retreat to the bathroom to cry. It never leaves you . Thank you for posting this video
Thank you so much for your comment and I'm truly sorry for your experience. x
Very honest speech I have ever seen in my life...I could really connect...and regret for those moments where I lost my patience. I hope ‘m not late I can still change myself and help my kids being a good parent....thanks a lot! May God bless you!
I didn't cry, but did get the feels. I grew up with a mom and step dad who either smacked me or yelled at me when I was out of line. It only caused me to become an angry, fearful and aggressive grown up.
I hope you're doing ok now
Maybe they shoould have smacked your face until you understood who is the boss at home. You only talk about how you felt, as all spoiled kids. You do not talk about what you should have done but you didn't or what you did but you should not have done.
My father was the same thing, but I grew up well. Well I believe I did. I have discipline,respectful and knows my boundaries.
@@asunagullo oh dear your not well
i am the same as you but the diffrence is i have long given i have given up on being fearful (this is my real dad)
"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." Viktor Frankl
So true!
What can one do to increase that space?
It's extremely difficult to be this open & honest about a "mommy melt down moment." Thank you! I appreciate your message and your bravery.
Her Yelling helped to realize how my children might felt when I yelled at them! 😔 not a good feelings
It wasn't supposed to be a good feeling.
She should be an actress. 😺
single mothers are a biblical plague! - Jesus
*laughs in emotionally abused* i would know nothing of that-
@@robertwarner1160 why do you say this? Can you be more explicit?
I felt this speech. Everytime my mum and stepdad fight I get blamed because I somehow 'started the fight' or 'made it worse by being there'. It can never be their faults, it has to always be someone else's
Someone tell this to my parents.
If you're on UA-cam then you need to learn the skills! Remember there are no justified resentments. You got this!
this went from being the most annoying speech I have ever listened to, to the most influential and persuasive one
Because the man she is talking about her "mentor" is a known cult leader. That what's she talks about when she says the method
@@carris3ringcircus390 oh really!?
@@peterhalliday6492 yep, Keith ended up being a pretty powerful cult leader. She probably has his "brand" on her.
@@tiredofit1968 TEDx Talks attract cult leaders. There have been many "amazing" or "inspirational" talks that have been given, after which the one who gave it turns out to be a real monster, or represents a real monster.
@@Tim.Hammer I agree
wisdom comes from experience... braking old patterns is the first way to set a new pattern
So true Ghan! Thank you for your comment
@@kimconstable1 exactly, I left my dysfunctional childhood home at 16, had kids much later, after I married. The 2 boys we raised are healthy men now, yup, we gotta break that cycle!
Sorry to my kids for yelling so many times and losing it when Iam emotionally drained ! This was such an eye opening talk. Her enacting really made me see myself .
Apologise to your kids, not us...
As a parent, we do our best. It’s a thankless, selfless, hard job. Nobody is perfect and we’re all doing our best. We all will yell at our children at one point or another. And it’s not our fault or our kids. It’s the fact of the matter. Moms are the warriors of the world and sometimes our kids hear our battle cry. If you have yelled at your kids don’t feel guilty. All we can do is try to be better. There’s no textbook telling us how to do everything perfectly
What about the dads?
I will never understand why people call being a dad/mom a job, and expect thanks or even see it as a selfless thing. You do understand no one really forced you to have children right? They didn't ask you to be your job. You chose to have children. Maybe because you thought they would make you happy, maybe because you wanted to leave a mark on the world. Maybe because society tricked you into believing that it's a necessary step to take in live. Or maybe because you believe in God and think he put you on this world to pro-create. Whatever the reason was, it was YOUR choice and yours only. Your children didn't write you a letter from the unknown universe and plead with you to have them. Woman are indeed warriors, but they are because they didn't have a choice. Just like your children are being programmed by your inability to deal with your anger, women are raised in a society that puts much more pressure on them than they do on men.
tare7alt xx coming from someone who obviously doesn’t have kids 😆
How is me not having kids add any value to this conversation? I chose not to have kids so I wouldn't end up like you and the likes of you. Tired, grumpy women who chose to have kids, and then got trapped in a so called 'selfless, thankless job' who then go on to demand loyalty and gratitude from society and their children because raising kids was hard. Boohoo. Everything in life is hard, but as long as no one forced you into something, don't expect pity. @@ashbashleymash5369
tare7alt xx you don’t have kids so you’ll never understand. Sure I’m tired a lot, but the love I feel for my child is unlike any love you will ever have. THAT, my dear, is something you’ll never get to experience or understand. Why are you even here? Go watch some cat videos and save your overly opinionated ranting where it’s actually warranted:) good day!
Love it when her kids went up to the stage and hugged her.
Thank you. I loved that too
She beckoned them forward
This talk was extremely powerful. Thank you.
Love that it comes down to our choice and our mindfulness and not living in denial. Beautiful story. Thanks for sharing it! It helps us all be better parents.
Thank you for sharing your story. And your Courage!
Thank you for watching and commenting! x
This is a very powerfull speach with a very powerfull message.
thanks a lot for sharing your experience as a parent...and the lessons...
Thank you Jhun!
It made me cry.....
Great message ....Bitter reality
Thank you for sharing! She made me cry with her genuine & honest story. I loved this video!
Excellent presentation. Thank you!!
Thank you SOOOOOO much for sharing ma'am!
Thank you so much!
Thanks for the great talk here...
This is something every parent should see .... we all deserved it ....
Thank you for sharing your painful story. It will help others.
This is the type of message that we need, I just reflect myself on her.
this awake up call for me. Ill start tomorrow insha Allaah , i luv my little boys
The future is NOW. Not tomorrow.
BTW: how are your results looking?
Start today
I know exactly how she felt. Have been working on correcting it too. She made me cry, because ive been there too...as im sure many parents have....
This had me in tears but never did I have to scream or threaten violence to get my boys to straightened up. Yes I yelled but but never screamed like this at the top of my lungs. Heck that’s scary for me now. But I had no problems getting my boys to behave. Neither of my older sisters ever screamed at their kids like she had to. I’ve screamed at adults to shut up. We were taught the only time you scream is when the house is on fire. And I believe that is a good rule for every household.
I agree, that's a beautiful rule. x
This mother is spot on, when you stereotype others, you rob yourself of the insight that will help you in life. Kids are like paintings, but the darkest memories will bleed into you.
After listening to this, I became more confident that my mother is the most understanding and caring mother. I don't remember if she or even my father ever yelled or hit me. I think I was a bit emotional guy and knew the distinction between right and wrong (not sure!) and all that I wanted was to not provoke them and for that I do whatever they say
thank you
This was so powerful and relevant to me.
I don't think it's fair to either of you to act like the kid's life will never be the same because you yelled at him once. That's a self fulfilling prophecy.
I agree. It is parents like her that let their kids rule over them. Notice how she never gave an answer as to how to control her kids behavior which was what started the whole thing to begin with. The kid wouldn't listen to her. Spoiled.
@@laureencummings3784 I guess she forgot about it
the kids will never forget but may be forgive
@@laureencummings3784 I don't think spoiled. Knowing a 3 year old, they absolutely cannot change behaviour in such a quick way. Transitioning children between activiites is a key skill in parenting. It has little to do with being spoiled.
amazing.....
When I was a kid and my mum lost her temper and yelled at me, I didn't get scared into silence but instead yelled back and went about breaking her little ornaments or throwing them in the bin to 'punish' her. I'm glad we get along much better as adults! 😅 Due to her learning to actually communicate the fact that she's approaching losing her temper when I'm unknowingly annoying her, and me learning that she honestly can't help being unpleasant when she reaches that point of stress.
I've found the same thing myself, when I get extremely angry I become a different person and get this urge to wander about aimlessly and bite things until they break...like a bloody werewolf or something. I once accidentally destroyed a 3DS screen in this way, which just pissed me off even more. But I have found it much easier to avoid reaching this point of anger since entering my 20s and finding Jesus (and developing a crapton more empathising ability). 😀 My mum...still tries her best. I appreciate that yelling at your kids (or adults) isn't the best way to deal with them, but it seems to me there are some people who will never be able to achieve that level of self-control in stressful situations, and it's not their fault. I think I turned out okay anyways, and I try to be patient with my mum when she gets mad about stuff (even weird stuff like the shuffling sound of my slippers on the floor or me fidgeting too much while she's talking to me. Also she doesn't usually yell at full volume nowadays, it's more like really unpleasant loud aggressive talking.)
Definitely not planning on having kids myself though, I think they would absolutely break me no matter how much Jesus I have. 😅
Dang this is way longer than I thought it would be. Thank you for...reading my Ted comment? 😂
I needed to hear this.
Great talk !!!! Absolutely fantastic
This video made me cry. Thank you.
With tears in my eyes, I am so glad I watched this. It is not too late to do it right.
Thank you, Kim, for the message and the way you delivered it.
Thank you so much Ara. x
thanks for these precious advices , really i need to work on myself and change my behavior with my kids in order to obey me and behave well, hope i can do it god help me.
You did not damage your kid, he just become more sensitive to your suffering. Kids are very smart these days.
Awesome talk, love you, Kim!!X
This made me cry
Phenomenal Talk, Kim!!!
Thank you Ryan!
Enlightening
wonderful talk..
Having self awareness is really important to help you make decisions about your life choices.
I know that because of my intense anxiety and mental and physical health issues from my upbringing makes me get upset and frustrated easily by lots of noise and stress. I need quiet and calm or my nerves are on fire and I have very little patience with children because they don't listen when you tell them "no".
Because of this I don't think I'd make a very good mom and I'd just be overly stressed out with my kids constantly and be afraid of harming them if I got triggered into fight/flight mode.
Several people have said that I would be a great mother because I'm self aware so should be able to break the family abuse/trauma cycle. But it's never that simple even if you try.
Warning: I'm a grown man, and a father of one little boy, and I wept.
Omg she has four babies. She looks amazing
Comes down to genetics & exercise....Yoga, Tai Chi etc
If you saw her now! She's a bodybuilder known as The Sculpted Vegan.
True
I know! Kinda hard to believe... she is more into shape than I am and I'm nowhere close to having a baby.
Thank you. It was today I felt I needed to act on my anger as a parent. Promised to grow in the area.
Never has a TED Talk moved me like this one. I cried.
Kim constable you rock!
That talk really hit me ... thank you for your advices.
I understand what she’s saying here.. only what is the alternative when you have something that needs to be done and your child won’t listen?Sometimes you reach a breaking point ... patience wears thin .. parenting is a challenge... we live and learn and try and fail and try again.
L. Brown As a parents I think all we can do is be the example of how to make a mistake or how to right a wrong because let’s face it we’re all gonna have moments we wish we could have done better. I made a mistake, I’m sorry and what could I do differently, what can I do differently next time. That’s what sets my mind at ease.👍
Great great talk .n so true most of the time we don't take responsibility. Thank you, bless you. All your dreams come true.
I bawled my eyes out watching this
Amazing!!! Such a powerful story and an enlightened approach to parenting that I would love to see happen more and more in this world...bravo!!
Powerful! It takes the courage to share her story. Thank you!
Bravo. ❤
Exactly
Thank you Kim I needed to hear this.
Thank you for the comment. x
Well done, Kim! Loved your honesty, expressiveness and passion :-)
Thank you Jennie! x
huh wow indeed a honest and emotionally engaging talk. That control is the thing where you can think your conscious.
darn I cried
I did not expect to cry while watching this :>
Nice to know I'm doing something right with my kids. 😀
omg that hit hard.........
You are a great mom! Very happy you finally took control over a screaming 3 year old!! You did NOT damage him , you disciplined him, thank God! Good for you! Congrats!
Brought tears in my eyes, let fear not obey our children but our respect !
This was an incredibly brave raw and real speech 💕
I think it's ok to be a bit dramatic sometimes when it matters, but never cruel. Talking is always the foundation. Teach this to teacher's in public schools who are mean, loud and obnoxious, just walk down the halls and you'll see. Homeschooling is best. God bless America & the children who are the future.
Fantastic! Great message and equally great talk to deliver it. I got quite emotional while watching this.
Future generations will owe you a lot even if a handful of parents watching this start applying these thoughts.
Why isn’t there any constructive advice about how to handle the screaming child in the car besides what she did. It’s clearly not ok to have the child keep crying distracting the driver and making the environment unlivable. What is the other option? Allow the kid to keep screaming til he tires? What does that teach him? Try to reason with a 3 year old? Bribe with treats? She’s on a crusade to stop the yelling but gives no good alternative except a vague reference to emotional growth. Pretty disappointing
This is about accepting you cannot control the environment.The child at that point needs understanding because there's a reason they are behaving that way
The child shouldnt be crying already. You need to u derstand thst the child didnt ask to be born. You made that decision for them
My friend, she only had 12 minutes. Is that enough to teach the secrets of the universe?
I have been there !!!
Very moving speech 😿
Super
I think mothers should learn to forgive themselves and not be too hard on yourself.... You are a human after all not some superhero whose power is never to make a mistake
We should also show the same grace to our children. They are also human and learning to navigate this world. However we are so quick to want to respond to their emotions by hitting or punishing them.
Would help to list steps how to control.
She has contagious tears! Even if she was acting.
This made me cry so hard... i had a moment like hers (no sleep/exhausted and angry)and it scared me and made me check my emotions first before i react to my sons behavior. This video was so nice to see❤️thank you.
I have a question. In what order does all the reviews are arranged? I noticed it is not according to posted time.
The reality of parenthood is that your children will find out you are not perfect. However, if no abuse is involved, this will become a healthy expectation for themselves as future parents. They will fall short too and it's our job as parents to teach the process of saying sorry, forgiveness and unconditional love. Children are incredibly forgiving, and although that shouldn't be an excuse for poor behavior towards them, we must accept their forgiveness as a profound gift and forgive ourselves when we have fallen short.
Freedom is the capacity to pause between stimulus and response.. she's blowing smoke, the greater your conviction
of it, the more easily you are enslaved from within, the conscience bears witness, the defence mechanism justifies us, though sometimes there's an offence mechanism, whereby one's thoughts speak against them accusing them... Freedom is the ability to control one's self from within.. If your spirit is dead you cannot afford to do so after all freedom comes at a price, it is never free
Very brave talk. Would have been useful if she had given some hints about how to replace the bad patterns.
She could have, for instance, ran us through a hypothetical scenario where she has to pick up that dog, but this time she handles it "correctly". How would she have gotten that kid into the car in a rush? etc.
I'm sorry but ager is a natural feeling to being frustrated. Yelling like she did is a bit much though, sounds like she was holding her emotions in for a while. When I have an outburst, I apologize to him and I talk to my child about what we both can improve and we have a real conversation. The child flat out telling you "no" is not acceptable, you need to teach him how to communicate what he is feeling in the moment. It sounds like the speaker can improve on her communication skills so that she can teach her kid how to better express what he needs and why he didn't want to leave. No one likes to be yelled at but it is inevitable, everyone gets frustrated. You don't want your child afraid of the world yelling at them.
On the other hand, you can't baby talk them and negotiate with children constantly either. Yeah, none of us want to yell at our kids either, but firmness is something they can either learn early from you or harder from life later on.
You can teach firmness and set an example without yelling.
"Freedom lies in the capacity to pause between stimulus and response." Beautiful quote! However, I don't found myself have much capacity to pause. Just by knowing the quote and knowing I need to pause, I could not increase my capacity to pause; therefore, I am still not set free. Since she mentioned her spiritual leader, I just want to quote a verse in the Bible to express my experience on this matter. Romam 7:18 … I desire to do what is good, but I can not carry it out. I hope she could explain more. Did she really stopped screaming at her child after that incidence for the next 8 years? How did she do it? The hardest part is not that I don't know what is right, but is that I can not do what is right.
I also have a question. How does UA-cam arrange the order of reviews? I notice it is not arranged according to the posting time.
Ugh this made me not want to yell at my son anymore. He’s been so difficult lately. He will be 3 in two months. He’s such a good boy most of the day but night time has been difficult and I just don’t know why. He knows he can get his way and ask us to come back in the room a million times for random things. I don’t think you damage your child by yelling at them a few times, but I don’t think parents should yell constantly. My son seems to listen when I yell but I don’t want him to only listen when I yell so I want to stop yelling and make him listen using another method. This made me upset so I will definitely change the way I discipline my son
Brooke Loffredo. Its AMAZING how a child develops after the 3rd birthday. Communication becomes easier for them to listen and understand so they get it when you speak. Its like a bunch of light bulbs turning on every single day. They become small children and all the baby goes away. Before you know it, he will tell YOU when he's going to bed LOL. I promise you the tantrums and the fighting will come to an end. Keep up the good fight mama! You both have got this.
Kellie A Thank you so much!! 💕
Parents or any environment stimulant doesn't determine kids behavior or character completely. That may affect the behavior. Any kind of trauma or a severe event doesn't destroy the person. It may make him/her stronger or it may make him/her weaker. It depends on him and other circumstances. Ultimately, most control is in the kid himself. Its not in the parent or the environment. All of us have seen great people coming out of miserable circumstances. please remember this before making assertions. I am not advocating to treat children badly. I want parents to understand they are not the only one in the equation.
If you want what is best for your child, why do you repeat that experience and reinforce what he is saying before a lot of people. Now, his probably either believes the story or uses the story to get concessions from the mother. By the way, anger is not an abnormal response to the circumstance. Just imagine a kid raised by parents who never got angry. does it make him better prepared for future?
Also final point: please don't excuse kid's behavior completely from this event. He should have gotten the information that it is important for her to go now. But, his TV show is more important for him than what his mother wants. One major mistake people do is treat kids totally differently than they do adults. They(kids) can't do no mistake. They can be rude to people, can be unreasonable. Its not a good strategy.
If you try to treat kids like you treat adults, expect them to behave reasonably. Then they probably will eventually. She should have behaved better, so should have the kid. But, its not end of the world. At least she didn't get in an accident in the process.
This is easy to do and hard to catch in the present. I think everyone does this I think we all should learn to worry less, because just think, you was hollering because YOU forgot the DOG (hes not worried cuz your late). this is why a family needs more time together also. if ya husband wasnt at work, not divorced, hopefully making enough for you to do these things with no stressed time limit lol
the yelling was so much like , HERS, a little close to home and now im silently crying at 3:30
amazing! would love for *you* to be my mentor :)
Thank you! x
thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Thank you!
welcome
"Whose fault is it when you yell at your kids"...That's the basis of this talk. Its not a parents fault kids disobey, its the kids choice and most do it. Ps- Parents aren't superhuman
There are plenty of parents who don't yell at their kids when they disobey. Are the kids causing that?
U r not getting it. Yes her kid did not listen to her when she tried to get him to get up and get in the car and when she tried to get him to be quiet but of course he didnt listen because of they way she went about the situation. Im sure if she was calm and thought things out first then her child may have listened and did what was asked. Thats what she is saying, that she handled the situation in a way that could've been avoided
the kids choice was to disobey. How the parents handle and react to that is their choice and therefore their fault.
This is simply phenomanal. So mind opening and useful. Thank you for uploading this and to you, the ted talk speaker, to sharing your wisdom.
James Webber-Salmon what wisdom? Lol
When children make noise, we scold them to keep quiet. But, when adults make noise, who scold them? A case of "don't do what i do, do what i tell you to do!" As the song goes, "Speak softly...they listen but not hear." After all, it's a SMALL WORLD they grow up with. Childhood can never be replayed again.
This is great, but how do you change the pattern? I feel like I totally lost it with my kids and I'm banging my head into a brick wall all the time.
You just need to decide to do it! Next time you indulge in a behaviour that you know isn't good, give yourself a consequence for if you do it again. If you actually uphold the consequence (like don't drink coffee for one week for example, if coffee is your thing) then you'll be less likely to do it again. If you REALLY want to transform something, you will do it. If it's important to you you'll find a way, if not, you'll find an excuse. ;-)
She mentioned something called rational inquiry. It’s a skill taught by Keith Raniere. He has UA-cam videos. I’m going to check him out. Hope this helps.
To study child development and prepare yourself to be a better parent is of the out most importance. I'm on that journey and reading about and watching videos about the Montessori method has helped me the most. I'm not talking about products the stores want to sell you. I'm talking about the actual principles taught by Maria Montessouri. She is all about respecting your child at the same time you nurture and guide her, about simplicity and communication. Please check it out , you will not regret.
ForeverCurlyCatrina Is it for teens too
Perhaps you are surrounded and hunted by too many problems, obligations, etc. It is easy to stay cool if you get good sleep, fun job, loving family, etc. Once things go wrong and troubles multiply, even the coolest mind can get broken?