How to Stop Obsessing Over Someone You Want
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- Опубліковано 23 вер 2024
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Have you ever created an entire relationship in your head before going on a date with someone? Perhaps you’ve been texting with them for weeks and have already deduced they could be “The One,” or maybe you live for the two minutes of conversation you have with them before spin class.
Unfortunately, living in our heads in this way can turn into obsessing, and render us incapable of feeling excited about anything other than seeing or hearing from that person. In other words, they occupy a space in our minds they’ve not yet earned!
In this week’s new video, I share with you the mindsets that can both help and hurt you in dating, as well as the best way to determine if you and this person could really work out. Tell me what you think in the comments.
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“The more you build up in your head the greater the collision with reality.” Lol omg. Yes!
Yoooo wth, thats insane how much I can relate to that!
So true! I just got separated after 26 years of marriage. I met someone that sparked a feeling I hadn’t experienced since I met my ex. I spent 6 months building up a “relationship” in my mind and when the reality hit, it hit HARD!! I asked myself why it hurt so bad. I just turned 50! It should be easier to deal with the rejection, shouldn’t it? Lesson learned!
@@thisiskindacrap13 so true
I'm so embarrassed to admit how crazy I was when he doesn't even like me... I'm so so embarrassed...
We've all been there
Oh that was me too! The important part here is ‘I was’ !! So it’s okay, we have progressed 😅😊
Don’t be. You’re obvi not alone.
They come back when you step away. The challenge is to say no. I’ve been there and I’ve said yes instead of no.
Me at one point
But over it!
Heartbroken can heal, but wasted time won't come back.....so true! Thank you Matthew!
This is true
I experienced that now I regrets all the time that I wasted for him.
That was one of my favorite parts of the video too.
Helt korrekt 😊
Ugh 11 years for me!
What kills me is when they are super involved and you fall for that person. The they pull away and play games but still give just enough to keep it going. If you call the change out you're needy, if you say nothing you suffer in silence and overthink.
Avoidants... always fun...
How did you deal with this? I’m sailing in the same ship. Help me
This behavior is called “limerence” … it often happens when someone is going thru loss, pain or has not had their emotional needs met in past or present relationships … it’s a sign that this person needs healing and needs to learn ways to feel happy “now” and needs to address the wounds that are driving this behavior. I understand … I have been there ❤
Can you please share how you got through it? I am in that stage now and it is killing me
I find a ton of content on identifying this, and recommendations to heal, but no path or tools to healing. Is it just time?
For me, it’s time, awareness and asking God to heal my past wounds. Also, finding things to do that give you joy. Whether it be a hobby or reading. Exercise can help release feelings good chemicals.
Finding a way to meet some of those needs for validation from people who you are not romantically interested in.
These things will slowly bring healing.
For me … getting out of fantasy … and go enjoy something real. A walk, a coffee with a friend. It helps.
I think it’s important to note where this behavioral pattern comes from and heal it at the core. I believe this is the result of abandonment trauma. We are unconsciously attracted to people who are likely to reject us (or act so obsessively they will even if it wasn’t their intention). This is because by making someone avoidant commit to us, we heal ourselves by re-writing the memory of our own abandonment that happened long time go. And if you get intense feelings of attraction for someone early on, it’s often not a divine sign but a sign trauma bond. It’s a sign that this person is going to mirror our trauma back to us so we can finally realize the pattern and break it. And it’s always someone we perceive as a amazing and rare and that’s why it hurts so much when they reject us. However it has to be like this, someone who we’re not that attracted to can never make us evaluate our behavior and decisions. I am sure everyone who can relate to the story in the video has had a pattern of obsessing and very few, if not any normal relationships. And even if you get into one, it’s a constant fear of them leaving or finding you’re not good enough (again the abandonment trauma). That’s why the fantasy is good, no one can hurt or leave you there. And I bet the moment you find another love interest, you completely forget about the previous one, which only confirms you were in love with your imagination. So how to stop this? Heal the abandonment trauma. How? Apparently with meditation and shadow work which can’t say if they’re working, recently started. And create a life that makes you proud of yourself. The more lonely and boring we feel, the more importance we put on people who can bring us even little bits of excitement and we go full circle again. Wish healing to everyone ❤
Very wise. Get to crux of the biscuit. The Apostrophe 😉
Get down to causes and conditions.
Love, Love, Love your response here. We would be friends!
@@kelliestrubinski5663 Thank you Kellie ❣❣❣
I'm writing this message so I can re read this msg. It spoke to me
Thank you this really helped me
So embarrassed right now but I’m glad this is a thing and I’m not alone. Time to end this obsession 😅
It's difficult stuff, embarrassingly so 😅
It's a really embarrassing and difficult pill to swallow, but necessary 😅
You're very much not alone 😂 I could name several
Happens to me all the time ngl
There's this girl staying at the same college as me and I'm experiencing this exact thing with her man, it's really hard to shake but I figure I've gotta just stop thinking about her and find a way to talk to her more so as to get over the obsession😅
"Willing to discard the wrong people quicker." That is so profoundly true. Awesome Matt!
People need healing abd learning things, go out, working on our careers etc., not be in not real cyber relationships, looking someone inst.stories his exes etc. Its life wadting but school.
True but with the caveat that you might judge or get judged too quickly and unfairly.
I left a situation where it started out really well with crazy attraction but then there wasn't even a mention of new plans for days and days and when I asked I got a vague answer. I called it out and got a vague promise which was never fulfilled. So I just cut contact. I knew it was the right thing to do but now I'm STILL obsessing over them "should I have swallowed their bullshit longer, maaayyybe it would have worked when of course it wouldn't. Aargh. You can't win
Just give them enough time to show themselves up for how little they value you and eventually both your head and hear will see it. Then you get enough closure to move on knowing you loved and they didn’t.
Hopefully though Rob, you won't have shredded yourself completely in the process. This time last year I finally drew a line under a relationship (online - my first and only! - put it down to pandemic isolation during lockdown) that caused me intense pain. The guy was a brilliant IT nerd working from home, a workaholic, completely amoral, unfortunately with a degenerative condition that is going to kill him. He cared ... as much as he could, I guess. We lasted a year. I should've drawn that line after 6 months.
I really hope so. my head is very much aware of the fact that he didn't want me. my heart is still trying to hear it.
@@pinkegg3179My ex and I just recently ended a hugely-intense 2-year relationship. I’ve found there’s a lot of comfort to be taken from accepting how I absolutely didn’t give her what she needed, whether value or challenge.
She wanted something else and that makes sense.
I want to be what she saw was possible in me and I look forward to giving that version of me to whoever may deserve it in the future
That sounds so much like what my therapist told me about living the relationships in my head cause it's safer and I can idealize them
Why is this so true & heartbreaking at the same time?🥲
This video is perfect timing. I’m the biggest obsessor
I was literally sitting in bed 🛌 thinking 💭 😅about a guy ( met once at a conference yesterday) as I saw this video popped up 😅. Perfect timing indeed 🎉🧡😂
Sameee
Couldn't get any perfect timing
Ditto! We are all so caught up in 'what ifs'..we have to go live our lives...make it happen or break the cycle and move towards the REAL THING!
@@darajfriedlander Ugh yes.. so many “what ifs” and wasted time. Six months for me.. at least Matthew helps us feel half normal
This video couldn't come up at a better time. I've realized pretty late and after a lot of hurt that I get emotionally invested very easily. What has helped me is really focusing on improving myself; life skills, self actualization, even journalling, and eventually I started paying less attention to the guy. Naturally when they see u distancing yourself, they try to come around but the best advise i ever got was to mirror whatever energy and effort they give you.
Well done.
am working on this now thanks for this self actualisation
I can relate to that woman. I’ve been in situations where actually having the conversation is so daunting you feel like you’ve got to strategise it.
Haha everyone
So real. Been trying to escape that for months or even years now, and at this point I'm so sick of regretting it when someone I like just disappears from my life without a chance to even talk to them that I'm warming up to the idea of just... going and finding out for myself, just like he said. It can be a lot harder to get through the anxious thoughts depending on your circumstances (for me, it's the fact that I'm gay and my interest is in guys, who I can't immediately know whether they're straight or not), but at some point you've gotta just admit that talking to them can't do you any harm, and you don't have to jump straight to asking them out.
Go find out, stop fantasizing, participate in real world… A great message! Thank you very much Matthew!!❤❤
I love this episode. Fantasizing is dangerous. We don't talk enough about limerence and rejection sensitivity. I find the real struggle may actually be rooted in allowing someone's NO to derail us from our authentic truth. It's authentic to express our truths. We gotta build our courage muscle just as we would build any other habit. This is an important one. It's vulnerable and courageous to take aligned action. But even then we could hear other's NOs. There's a possibility for both. And it's important to remember that is not failing at relationships. It's doing relationships justice and courageously moving on together or apart. But moving on anyway.
Yeah. Im so hurt right now I should see a therapist. It’s ridiculous.
How are you 4 months later?
@rs5570 hope you're doing better these days! ❤
“We are the Person we take to every situation”.....this is so powerful
Let go, be in a state of non-resistence and if they want you they will not be gone too long if at all. Focus on yourself. 🌸🌸🌸🌸
Exactly!!
Love this one: stop guessing, stop assuming, stop fantasizing, stop future projecting. GO FIND OUT.
The obsession will go away after 3-5 months...trust me I know. I was obsessed with someone for over a year, he really got under my skin and going anywhere without him, like gym, it felt like I had lost an arm or and a leg...and then all of a sudden I met someone else
This gives me hope
Got out of a 4 years relationship and I really thought it would end me..
However, that break up was not even 2 months ago and I can honestly say im doing okay/good.
Started going to the gym and meeting up with family and some friends.
Only thing that still "hurts" is being home alone. Because the house I live in is the house we wanted to start a family in. And now that house is just an empty shell with only me in it. (Very dramatic :P ) im doing okay..
Try 10 years, on and off, stalkig away seeing him break up and come back with his current girlfriend... A guy from High School... The pandemic made made my obsession worse... I deleted Instagram from my phone. I feel so much shame now it's exhausting.
Took me three months to get a person COMPLETELY out of my head. I would be so proud of myself for only thinking about him three times a day, down to two times, then down to once a day, then finally I would only think about him a couple times a week. It takes time and retraining of the brain
For sure time will heal all wounds
Best advice you gave; don’t invest in someone who hasn’t invested enough in you. Go for it, keep moving forward.
I was dating someone for a few months that I absolutely adored, and he adored me. It was very passionate. My obsessive need to look at his social media actually lead me to find out that he was already in a serious relationship, and I was the "other woman" 😅 Ended that quickly, and let her know, but to this day I haven't ever felt quite the same for someone as I felt about him.
Fuuuuuuuck man I'm so sorry this happened to you. How shitty. I find it so astounding how you can be so taken a back by someone who is clearly a bad person. The sound of their laugh, their charisma, the personality and humor. Enraptured fully by a complete an utter turd of a person. Something happened similar to me recently and I am terrified of dating now.
@@AP-gg7ep Yeah. It’s been really rough! You took the words right out of my mouth…
And even after I told her, she decided to stay with him. So I also have to live knowing that he gets to stay with her, no consequences, as if I never existed. 😔
I look for pieces of him in every man I date but no one compares, even though he was a horrible person!
@@JessicaMccreery Oh Jessica, that fuckin blows. And the fact that he gets to stay with his girlfriend is nauseating. She's in for a world of hurt. This is when I wish witch craft was real! 😂 I would be swinging that black candle! 😆 I want to tell you, you deserve REAL love and connection not something that is false to confuse you so the guy can use you at his convenience. Unfortunately, you will run into conmen throughout dating and some are so clever that you won't know there true colors for a long time. But eventually, you will see it and no matter how much time and energy you have invested, WALK AWAY. I don't know you but I'm proud of you for walking away from him even though it hurt sooooo much. Dude if you want for me to share my story because it's similarly fucked up and hilarious just let me know.
@@JessicaMccreery lol you could just be moronic. Maybe he’s in an open relationship 😂
@@JessicaMccreery people like that, they study you and become what you would fall for. So just realize that he was an actor and when you meet another guy, he’s really being himself and you’ll love him for that- for being real
The people you attract
are mirroring you inside.
They bring emotions up which you locked away
at some point in your life...
That which hurts
has actually not much to do
with that particular guy,
he just made you feel
what you already had:
inside of you...
Pain is just an emotion that wants to be seen.
When people say '‘you hurt me'‘,
in a way, they actually also say...
"I don’t want to feel what I feel".
They reject a part of themselves.
What happens next?
God sends you the people you need...
To let go, to release, to heal, to evolve, to ascend,
to transmute, to alchemize,
to get this final realization,
to get to the next level...
I do this with the men I date-fall very fast. Go all in. Just obsess and look at things through rose-colored glasses. I have to break this cycle.
Try the Relationship Autopsy on UA-cam. I did it yesterday and it was pretty enlightening on why I am the way I am in relationships.
@TN Absolutely 💯!
@@LeeChrissy I will! Thank you!
@AliSand I'm so exhausted-waiting for the inevitable breakup. I'm choosing these men over and over again.
I think it's helpful to also consider the reasons why we obsess. I can obsess over someone I don't even like - yes, really! Am I subconsciously afraid of intimacy? Do I have a fearful avoidant attachment style? Do I crave validation? These things aren't necessarily resolved by 'finding out'.
Gosh..you have no idea how much this resonated with me. I am a fearful avoidant and the way i obsess is ridiculous.
Yes! Fantasy in Dating and relationships isn‘t so bad! It is normal and necessary! It can protect your Body and Soul and is part of your mental wellbeing! Fantasy is part of your own inner reality. You have to check it out and going in to contact how far your inner reality comes in relation with other people (and their fantasies).
Obsession is something else.
Don‘t forget to make the difference!
We are more lonely today and often find this kind of cyber not real relationships , waiting, dreaming looking someone instagram ,his exes instead have real life, study , heal, learn, working on our career, go out etc
@@fashionablyearlier134 me too. I watch Thais Gibson. But any resources you use/know about would be welcome!
This is very insightful. Also, People, remember something just as valuable: While you are creating a fantasy person in your mind, you are unable to SEE the REAL person. Even if you get to know them, you may still be creating that fantasy, and making excuses for them at every turn because you cannot SEE the real them. Be very careful if you fall into this hellish trap.
I just know that Slavic energy sounding a little different with freedom right about now😆
You are correct! But now I'm so skeptical of men when they do or say something sweet. I don't trust it or believe it anymore.
Long ago I found one doctor like that. Shame. Was Young
Yes, currently obsessed with someone that ticks all the red flag lists, like a dope
Oh wow.. Yeah I totally understand this person from your story..
5 years ago I was working at a coffee shop and one morning a gorgeous marine police officer came to drink a coffee. I never was interested in our clients but the looks he was giving me and smiles were a little different from other client's usual polite ones. Haven't thought about it much but next day he came again even tho there were a lot of other coffee shops much more near the beach he worked on. He kept coming every single morning for a week so even my colleagues started gossiping that he's coming because of me. One day I was doing a night shift and he even asked my colleague about me, if it's my day off cause i'm not there.
In my mind I had already all this love story cause the stares we shared felt so "intense" (can't even explain it) even tho me and my colleagues were kinda "why the hell he's not asking for your number or something like this, he couldn't be more obvious about being interested in you. I was a little shy to ask it myself so I was waiting while fantasizing with this man who's coming every morning all the way here.
Well one morning he came even before the shop was officially open but I said that he can come in and made him coffee while sitting on a table preparing things for the day. He sat on my table drinking his coffee and talking to me. Then even tho I was pretty sure he was single because of all this little "signs" or his strange behavior compared to other clients during the week, I still asked- So, are you single? - to what he responded that he was not, that he has a girlfriend that's in another part of the country. . . . Well, I can't explain how stupid I felt for all this love fantasy scenarios in my head all this days and going along with my colleague's gossips about us. Omg I felt so embarrassed but well, who to blame about it if not my vivid imagination. And yeah, not that it was only my imagination because he actually asked for my number that day and guess he was taking this long while thinking if it's a right thing to do or not while in relationship.. -.-
Anyway, I just learnt that next time something like this happen that I should just take a risk, go for it quicker and sooner ask if the person is single or not to don't waste my time fantasizing about thing that can't even happen cause men in relationships are not something i'm interested in..
But it was a little bit insane to realize that I was feeling all this "passion" and made this "love story" JUST because of the way we looked at each other. Good to know that i'm not the only one who had this crazy feeling out of nothing.. 🥲
Same thing is happening to me right now lol
Same. Talk to a gentleman yesterday and although he’s dropping hints that he is single, it was too awkward to ask. If im not interested with a guy, ill ask directly, but if i am, i get too shy and self conscious. I am not the confident gal in front of a crush but i am the funny one with colleagues and friends.
''The heart can repair, the thing they never get back is their time.'' - i really needed this. Thank you.
Our creator built us this way - when we obsess over our fantasy person our brain releases pleasure chemicals that excite and bring us incredible good feelings. That’s why we do it and also what makes it hard to stop.
That story at the beginning was way too similar to something I just experienced a month ago, it was scary accurate. I exchanged looks with this guy at my gym for days In a row and I found him really attractive, my next step was either going to ask the front desk about him or approach him directly. But the next time I had saw him he came with a girl and I felt crushed in that moment and it literally felt like a breakup in my mind like you said and I was like why? all we did was exchange looks and smiled at each other we hadnt even had a conversation yet! I needed this video. I'm glad I don't feel alone now.
Me too! Lol
The only good thing I get out of my „obsession“ with a guy I met 5 months earlier is that thinking about him gives me positive energy, and I think it is making me look better, better than I would look if I obsessed over negative things. I feel it gives me that certain inner „sparkle“ necessary to attract someone, that shows that I just live my life happily. -But I secretely whish I could meet him again and at least put an end to my obsession just by noticing he might not be as great, good looking or friendly as I remember him.
,, " is terrible. Stop using them, please.
Never ever have the words slapped me so intensely as on this occasion. You will get the heart back ,but not the time. This is so obvious, yet it's been only empty words till now. Somehow U've put it in such a light, that made me wake up finally (not only in the romantic/relationship context). Thank You!
Dude, that was a whole lot of calling out... but I think I needed that. Thank you.
The explanation for this behavior from a trauma perspective is this. It all boils down to patterns of behavior repeated over and over from childhood wounds of abandonment and neglect. Children who spent their time fantasizing about the absent parent exhibit this sort of behavior. The truth is, they had a very positive view of their absent parent or emotionally unavailable parent but when they came face to face with the real life person, they were disappointed because the parent wanted nothing to do with them or they were continously hurt even when they pursued a relationship with them. So they continue this behavior in adulthood which doesn't serve them any good. As adults we have tools for communicating our needs and wants. We just need to heal and discover healthy ways of telling people what we think and feel. It would be helpful to take your clients through trauma healing and this behavior will stop. I can totally relate to this video.
„Life begins outside your comfort zone“ - Love Life as well ❤ That‘s what I believe in
This is SO helpful, thanks Matthew! I’m a fun, busy, divorced 67 year old, who would love a committed, loving relationship but (I think because I’m conscious of time ‘running out’) I keep doing this!
time “running out” for what? age is just a number! enjoy your life without thinking about that! cause in doing it so you are really gaining more time
@@victoriaporsiempreThat’s so sweet of you. 😊
I listened to matthew when I was single - and i’m still here now that i’m married :) hes so spot on with everything he says that i still like to listen to his knowledge about human behaviors!
This man here Matthew is a life saver ! God bless you.
I’ve been guilty on living in fantasy world one too many times.. time for reality😂
Time wasted can not be gained back- participate in real life. Be willing to go through the refining process of getting results but you need to get out of your head first
Thank you so much Mathew, this is more for a fuller life than just love life.
Omggg u can't imagine how OBSSESSED I am over a guy that i find extremely hot, i feel like he's my type and that everything in him is perfect and he's the one and i'm never finding someone like him(tho i barely know him).. today i kept thinking about him THE WHOLE DAY and didn't do any productive thing at all, i also try to be around him as much as possible and keep stalking his photos, i am so obssessed that i can't stop thinking abt him or stalking him and i feel like a creep (specially when i take the roads that he takes or keep waiting for him to pass by just to see him for extra minutes), I'm tired of my obssession cuz it's killing me and waisting my time :'(
100 percent my best friend taught me this. He was just there, he is not the one. Don't think of him again until you see if he invest.
I have totally learnt this. Keep moving unless they attempt to build with you. A man who wants to build with you will ask you and let u know it's more than sex.
I ❤️his west side story act! I thought there would be drama and I can't believe the girl never even spoke with him at the gym and became obsessed.
Dealing with a small heartbreak at the moment. I really appreciate this channel. Thank you
"The heart can repair itself. People get their heart back. The thing they never get back is their time." Thank you for that reminder.
This came just in time for me! Been hung up on a guy for over a year now after a fairytale night in Greece on the beach. I had thoughts of facetime chats and eventual trips to see each other followed by nights of passion...only to have him finally tell me last week I was too old for him to date but we could DEF hook up bc I was great in bed...I've been crushed since then. It sucks feeling like this but o know its bc of the delusion I built in my own head.
I can totally relate. Had this magical time with a guy in Edinburgh this spring and when I got back home. He just ghosted me after leaving one last Message. I have been thinking about him ever since. I am also in an open marriage and I have questioned the choice I made in my longterm mate over and over again, because the connection with the other man just felt otherworldly.
@@miniskotti its crazy how quickly a connection can be made and it FEELS so strong. I guess its the great deceptor
@@victoriamitchell6240 yes, so deceptive. And not having any closure is really hard on me, but at the same time I’d probably meet up with him if he were to ever reach out. Makes me feel like a huge looser. I deleted his contact to protect my sanity.
@@miniskotti I know I'd jump if he showed interest and that's the WORST...I called myself stupid everyday for that
@@victoriamitchell6240 I try not to judge myself or at least I catch myself doing it. It’s situations like these, where I feel „silly women“ is just the truth.
I work with him, and I’ll never mix workplace and dating. If something serious ever grew, somebody would have to transfer out. It’s so unprofessional. Repressing strong feelings at work unfortunately seems to lead to this fantasy thing as I try to squash the feelings back and stick them in the corner. Creative mind is like “fine go ahead and ignore those, but I’ll be over here planning your future together” 🤣 It’s deeply annoying, and the struggle is real. Doubling down on me and my reality must be the only option to keep grounded and move forward. What a bizarre situation.
This is how I am with my ex. I just can't stop thinking about him. It's been a year since the break up and no contact and I still think about him all the time. I hate it. I distract myself as much as I can but I always end up thinking about him after. I stopped crying about him at least but I hate that I still think about him.
When you sleep with a man you end up getting a soul tie. You will need to break the soul tie. A deliverance pastor will be able to help you.
How are you now? I'm like this aswell. My ex came back though and he's giving me attention again but we aren't dating... He's dating someone else. I'm the other women now. I should cut him off but I can't. I've never met anyone like him 😭😩
I feel your pain. Mine comes back every 2-5 years and I just long for him in between.
@@s.elizabeth1753 this reminds me of a girl i was pursuing. I realize that no matter how hard i try and whatever slither of interest she had for me, i couldn't dethrone her ex in her mind. even when she decided against us dating. she said, I never met a man that sacrifice a lot for me like you did, but as much as i hate to say it, my ex was right, i am a different person when i date and i like what we have here. I was basically giving her the boyfriend experience without the subscription tbh. I said no and it's been a week now. I'm looking around now myself because she made me realize it's not worth holding on to someone when you got potentials out the gate. to me, her loss, because damnit, i know i am a catch.
she's stuck on an ex that has married another woman. i also found out that her ex's wife, took up korean class and now, she does too. man, red flag. I hope she gets back up and actually go for therapy but I spend months on her. almost 9 months and whilst i was doing that, I tried going for other women, but I was stuck on her in my mind. truth is, they're there because we allow it, we nurse the thought, we meditate on their person. it's time to let go off childish things and find that mature relationship.
prior to this, last time, i did waste 5 years for a girl , that was pure limerence . only difference was, i did date and ended up single because at the back of my mind, she'll be with me. idk what romantic movie i believed in but it really felt like a nightmare on elm street. I did end up with another girl but i feel it was a rebound and we didn't last beyond a year. back of my mind, i went for that girl because she was hotter than the girl i like and that girl was kinda jealous and I know, petty. I was in a dark place after that, did stupid things with women. didn't like it overall and felt that where i am at now, i'll never get anywhere if i continue.
someone said to me, you can do all the right things to the wrong person and get nothing and if you do all the wrong things with the right person, you get somewhere.
Matt here said he went out and such, and i'm doing that now. i haven't found anyone but damn, i do feel a lot better
Watching this because of someone is a form of being obsessed with that person
This is powerful. You can’t get time back, relationship with fantasy is easier and the more you build in your head, the greater the collision with reality are all true.
This video is so on point!! I can totally relate to that scenario..it's embarrassing to be in this spiral of phantasies in your own head and not being able to control yourself. And then judging yourself and putting yourself down. Constantly. A receipt for wasted time. Thank you so much, Mathew ❤️ although I somewhat knew it all I needed to hear that.
"No points in life for winning in the fantasy world"...AAAAGGGHHHH! TRUER WORDS WERE NEVER SPOKEN! thanks so much. This is very a valuable lesson.
💪 Don't get too obsessed too quickly
💪 Spending too much time and energy on someone is unproductive.
💪 Overthinking potential partners can lead to wasted time and emotional pain.
💪 Fantasizing about someone is a waste of time when looking for love.
💪 Don't waste time fantasizing, discard wrong people quicker to find love faster.
💪 Avoidance of real life due to fear of rejection
💪 Fear of disappointment and reluctance to engage with life can hinder relationships.
💪 Upgrade your operating system to achieve better results in life.
Thanks Matthew for the sharing ^^
I went on two dates with a girl after chatting for a month. She was really interested in me before we met. But I made the mistake of dating her while I was in an anxious and lonely place. I came on too strong and wasn't confident on our date. She agreed to meet once more even though she "wasn't convinced I was her type". I did a little better but still came on way too invested. She broke it off.
I barely knew her but the potential I saw in that short amount of time, combined with knowing that I could have acted differently and never being able to know what could have been has left me absolutely crushed. I barely knew her but she left me more heartbroken than breaking up with a girlfriend of two years prior to that. It's so weird.
Two dates better than 2 years or 20 years. If she says it's a no go it's a hard no. I'm wait and try to be a good friend I don't know what to do either that's why I'm here ha ha 😅
It's tough to accept reality, that someone you like simply doesn't like you. Self-respect isn't easy in this situation but it's necessary. And U feel some empowerment in not demeaning yourself over a person who will never love you. No Serial Killer.
I think as women we do that because we really want him to approach and talk to us. To make the effort and let us know he likes us as well. We stop there and just imagine things with him but we in my case I would be scared to make the move! 😄😄
The timing of this video is just impeccable
Matthew, I can't thank you enough ever❤ You have changed my whole perception, I have learned so much in these last two months after a painful betrayal and this video came at the perfect time! I listen to your podcasts, watch your videos, and I can't tell you, how much you have helped me pull from that dark hole I was in two months back! I owe you big time ❤
I feel you, he has done a lot for me as well. I call him God
Totally agree, he has greatly taught us how to manage in our love life
@@priyankadeyray243 He is too good! Whenever I crawl back and get hard on myself, I listen to him. He is so positive and has such an impact. I hope you are doing well ❤
@@isabelvillalta451 He surely has ❤Much love to you...
@Jeremi Walewski Thanks Jeremi ❤Hope you are doing well and safe..
For 5yrs I've fantasised and finally got that no this week. Devastated but hoping to move the friendship onto to something grounded in that reality
wow, 5 years... i didn't even know that was possible
This came just in the right moment when I am indeed to caught up with someone I wanted, trying to get away from it so this video was on point for me! Thank you!
Absolutely brilliant as usual ✨️ You always enhance the innate wisdom we all have inside, remind us of it in a very gentle and helpful way. Thank you! 🙏
I have nearly exactly the same situation going on for me. I have been fantasizing and dreaming about this guy at the gym for SEVEN years. Although I've been in relationships during this time he's still attracted me. He is also clearly attracted to me but we are both too shy to even say hello as it seems. We're both afraid of getting rejected I think. You can feel attraction to someone but still not wanna date for different reasons. Maybe he's just staring at many beautiful girls but isn't actually looking for a relationship. And yes, I'm afraid to find out. I don't think either of us will quit at this particular gym any time soon, so I know if I get rejected by him I'll fall hard due to all these fantasies I've been engaging in for seven years. I'll kinda feel embarrassed every time I see him. It's absolutely crazy. I will play this video over and over again in order to hopefully shift mindset.
I had similar situation with a woman at my gym. We saw each other more than a year, five times per week. At some point we started smiling and greet each other and finally, let's say after 1,5 years I asked her out. We had four dates and then she said that she is not ready for a relationship. It has been painful because I still see her, although not as often, 1-2 times per week. Now five months later it has started to get easier lately and I am glad that I did man up and asked her out. I made mistakes for sure, but I feel that I am now more ready when I date next time.
25 yrs in on obscessing one person. It has to stop. No more saving space.
First thing is you need to break up with your boyfriend. Hanging on to what's comfortable but yet yearning for someone/ something else isn't right or, fair.
Your boyfriend isn't getting your full attention and you are basically having an emotional affair with another guy.
I would hate to be in your boyfriend's shoes. It's not fair to him or, you.
With that said, you will never know what could be if you don't put your self out there.
This gym guy may be just like you and he's afraid to make the first move because if (in his mind) he's wrong he could get labeled a "creep" or, a "gym stalker".
I can tell you as a weight lifter all my life, I wouldn't approach a female in the gym for the very reason I mentioned above.
A female isn't going to be judged any where near as harshly as a guy for approaching the opposite sex in a public place, I can assure you.
I'm not going to get kicked out of my gym for misreading the situation and approaching a female.
If you approach him at the very least he will be flattered you find him attractive but, he's not going to run to the front desk to report you. That's my 2 cents. Hope this helps.
Good luck...
@@erikbartlett2147 Thanks for your input 👍I really appreciated your comment, I'll keep it in mind.
I've been single for like a year now just because of the reason you mentioned, it simply wasn't fair to my ex. So now I just need the courage to say hello to the gym guy.
@@KvRunescape What an inspiring story, well done 😊👍
I started watching your videos a month or so ago to help myself stop doing this very thing! This has been a lifelong pattern for me, and now that I'm single again, I don't want to waste time being stuck in it going forward. Thank you so much for your clear and compassionate content!
This makes so much sense. I’ve done this for so long. Not the extreme of stalking and weird stuff but I’m in my head a lot, even with the road blocks. But when I do flirt I get friend zoned lol. Or it’s seen as cute and brushed off. So that’s how it started.
Oh man I can relate so much to this…not over a stranger though. It’s usually people I already have a friendship with or have already dated. ITS SO ANNOYING! My brain fantasizes way too much for my liking… that’s why I’m always watching UA-cam or listening to podcasts when I can 😅 it’s just so I can get outta my own head! Ugh life lol
Have you tried Yoga? It's great for that.
I don't think it's all a waste of time. It can make sense to find out a few things to see if you're compatible before asking someone out on a date. It also helps of you know what to talk about on a first date. Going out with a lot of people you have absolutely nothing in common with is also a huge waste of your time. (Btw I've been married for ten years and I knew my husband for months before we went on a date)
Having such a good connection with someone and a few dates that were sooo great and they meet your standards and they admire your mindset…then boom they went cold and I stopped hearing from him. It was soooo sudden no indication no red flags indicating this. I feel slapped to the ground so bad because I have been single since 2018 working on myself and I thought I finally met a future best friend or future partner. They seemed interested too. Wtf man, I was rooting for you!
Now I feel like I enjoyed them too much, I mean me and this person would talk until the restaurant kicked us out. I feel like a clown falling into the idea that something was happening and being so happy I found someone who consistently spent time with me and looked like they enjoyed it just as much. Now I have to shake off all of those wonderful memories and grieve. This actually hurt me and makes it feel like a fever dream that this all happened the past couple of months.
he got scared of your intense emotions
End the fantasy, participate in real life! Love this... LOVE you man. THANX FOR BEING HERE!
So true. I wasted more than 3 months to fantasize a guy who is in a relationship all the time.
I was stuck in the fantasy shortly after meeting a guy , we talked a lot and had only two dates . it ended ..( I felt him detach but I didn't see the break up coming. I was heartbroken for 5 weeks !! I'm moving on now.my heart has started to heal..thanks Matthew for this video .
I've been obsessing over someone for like 6 months, and when I finally went on a date with her I was only focussed on trying to make her like me, cause I already loved her, that it looked like I lacked confidence and she told me that's why she didn't want to go on a second date again. Me obsessing over her ruined it while she was the prettiest girl I ever seen (not exaggerating, including models/celebs etc.) and we shared the same very specific taste in things.
"I'm just a person who needs to build friendship slowly!" Yeah, your viewpoint is healthier.
Thank you so much, I need to get him outside my head as soon as I can since I'm such an introvert & taciturn who doesn't have the balls to even talk to him, I don't wanna waste any more time conjuring up imaginary scenarios in my head that I know are very unlikely to happen. it's rather frustrating, but it's been taking a toll on my mental health and college education.
I have done this for years to the point now my head hurts and I feel sick. I found some disappointing things online and from ppl too. But still i obsess- i don’t even find him attractive but there was a connection which I can’t shake. I’m so annoyed with myself because it’s taking too much energy😤 my mind hurts • Grateful for this video
Also, I think we seek the hurt on purpose to try and find negative things about the person so we can try and stop obsessing
I’ve done this before it’s called limerence! It’s a distraction from your real life problems or past trauma it’s very common! I have wasted time obsessing about a guy for years…. When younger… so embarrassing but I understand why I did it as my sister just passed away or suicided :(…. It was hope I guess during a dark time in my life! Best to ask up front if a guy wants a coffee or is available then wasting time!! Time is previous!
The stories we tell ourselves- and the suffering we endure because of our assumptions and taking things personally. Everyone resonating with this video needs to read the 4 agreements. Stat!!!
Not to say I don’t still ruminate or obsess over ppl I am attracted to- or have had flings with and always wondered if there could be more.. 😑 my recent obsession was with a lover from the past who showed interest again at a party where we crossed paths- (I always had a thing for this guy, and the chemistry is there.) so after a lovely night of flirty banter and friendly discussion, I said I would like to see him again- to which he said sure! but then when I followed up & asked for a sober, real world date he said “he didn’t have the energy” wth does that mean? Not now but maybe later? Im just not that into you? Im still working on myself and don’t have space for a partner? Maybe all of the above.. but the truth is you don’t know until you know! So find out-ladies! The fantasy is often far better then the real thing. 😑
he left me. my "best friend".
discarded me:
like last week's garbage.
replaced me with another.
abandoned and betrayed me.
for 6 weeks and for 6 days:
I was barely able to breathe,
after he left me.
I cried myself to sleep, nightly.
I woke up in breathless panic, every morning.
but now, today, for the first time...
the darkness is lifting, a little.
I honestly feel bad for him, truly I do,
he doesn't realize the profound love and friendship
that he lost in me.
he lost a lot, by losing me.
I would have given him the world.
I truly loved him.
but, seeing how mean he was to me, at the end...
shows me just how deep his issues and wounds run...
his willingness to hurt me, shows me just how much
our friendship really is over!
while we had each other, it was amazing.
I am ETERNALLY grateful.
it's impossibly hard to go from best friends
to complete strangers...
but.. I will get through this.
for, I must...
I’m kind of stuck in this right now. I’m crazy about this great guy, but he’s engaged, so a dead end road for me.
It doesn’t help that he’s a huge flirt. I don’t think he means anything by it, he’s just a really funny guy who’s a bit cheeky.
I never thought that hearing something i already know from someone else would help this much.
The crux of the video:
Stop wasting time in fantasies; get out there and get to know the person. The more you fantasize, the more you will set yourself up for failure.
This man is articulate and explained the problem in an easy to understand manner.
Doing a bit of homework BEFORE you date someone is also more important than people think. Especially for women, I didn't do my homework and ended up being talked about in a UA-cam video...hands down one of the worst experiences of my life. And he had the audacity to write me again
“We are the person we take to every situation..” that made me laugh out loud. Oh god it’s YOU again! 😂
I couldn't agree more so truue! Years ago there was a guy I sort of liked, but didn't have the guts to talk to so I ruminated on how an ideal couple we could have been and other similar staff mentioned there hahah then one day with the grandoise encouragement of my pals, I went to him and said, look why dont we do smt together? And he looked at me and said he was seeing someone else, maybe he was, maybe he was not interested at all, I dont know but that time and energy.. yeah, these are good feelings, and I am happy to have felt them truly but I guess there has to be a reasonable limit for that because you live in a fantasy you curate. In the meantime there was another guy who was interested in me, he was an excellent guy but I was too busy thinking about the prospects with the other, so I missed an opportunity there. Fantasy vs reality, well, life is complicated guys you cant have all the right answers all the time. Yes we know it, yes we are reasonable people but we still do it and this is what human nature is so dont be too hard on yourself:)
It seems like this video is specifically made to call me out. Thank you so much for the wake up call!
👆👆The main reason we see our love life like this is because we don't fight hard for what we want I was once like you but I took a bold step with the help of Dr Clinton am happy once more try him ###
Message for help
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Thank you dear man and team! This energy will free us individually to actually create what we long for and also release enormous energy to serve the world. To be able to created sacred loving partnerships where we can collaborate with, enjoy & uplift each other, YES, let’s go for that, starting with the partnerships with ourselves. So much love, power and blessings to everyone.
I'm an editor and writing coach, so the writing and editing analogy hit REALLY close to home. It's around minute 10:00. "The actual book is worth far more than any idea you have in your head."
"WE are the person we take into every situation." Such a timenly and useful reminder.
Sometimes the same thing happens after a relationship. Thank you for showing me why it's important to just let things go..either way:)
Goddamnit, such a freaking easy thing... and I'm just now realizing it, realizing that all I've been doing was just living a fantasy, one that never got anywhere.. I'll ask them this Wednesday and I'll share what happens, seriously thank you.
I’ve been seeing someone for a few weeks, it’s been very physical - we chat daily - but it’s not as often as I’d like it to be and because of that I’m building up fantasies around him
I know that deep down whenever I'm pining over a guy who rejected me and I obsess about him for years yes I said YEARS afterwards...that it's really just the fact that I still haven't made peace with the fact my father never truly loved me or cared about me as his daughter and THAT'S the REAL reason that I can't get over Chad Bro Chill Xbox Halo Delta Foxtrot Brosephius Weedington The Third Hailing From Too Busy-eth For Your Emotions Land.
I have a lot of trouble doing this. Especially when they talk to me. I usually think about that person for a while, and end up never taking a chance. This time I'm actually going to take the chance, the next time I see her rather than just daydreaming about her.
Due to chronic illness, I have tended to see myself as a challenge for anyone else to date, with too many problems. I have only lived in fantasy relationships my entire life. I get immense crushes that I never take further. It felt safer than having to be vulnerable and express my needs to another human being I found attractive. Sigh. This video is needed.
13:45 Most brilliant quote from a special video, “If we can see someone and rather than live with the idea of what it could be with that person, we can go an get a yes or a no, then proceed or move on accordingly. If we can do that, then life will be kind to us in bringing us love faster. But if we stall because we become addicted to the fantasy, then we are liable to become condemned to that fantasy, to become a prisoner to it for the rest of our lives.” Thank you for your wisdom it’s helped heal and move forward with my life
Thank you!!!Matthew…. I agree.. we need to approach and ask… I leaned that from high school when had crush .. was told to go and talk to him… I did ….. oh boy… I was dreaming about this guy for a year.. but just the moment he opened his mouth… I was greatly disappointed… I sad I have to go catch up with friends… thanks❤
Watching this as I know I have become obsessed with a guy at my gym and am trying to stop myself fantasising
This is the only relationship advice person that actually talks about useful things that aren't ambiguous generalities.
Thank you, you saved me. 😢
its funny how helpful these tips and the channel as a whole is to me even though im a guy. this channel is meant to help women but i find it more helpful to me than channels that are specifically for men.
I’ve rarely, very rarely, felt this called out
I can emphasize with this feeling of living in a fantasy. I am autistic, and everything about dating and love is complicated for me. I do not experience attraction right away, or ever and if I do it's not what neurotypical people feel. I am unconfortable with physical intimacy, with the inevitable requisite social activities that dating entails. And I am unconfortable with change. So I prefer fantasizing how life could be, with a partner with whom attraction would somehow be easy, who will somehow accept all my flaws and limitations rather than be disappointed both in other people and myself, over and over and over again.
Fantasising is the best part. I dont actually want anyone😂