Borderline Personality Disorder | Splitting
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- Опубліковано 10 вер 2018
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You've heard of borderline personality disorder, but have you heard of splitting? Dr. Ramani walks us through some examples of splitting, what it means for those with BPD - and what it means for their loved ones.
Dr. Ramani answers:
How does someone act when they're splitting?
What are the main tendencies someone has when they're splitting?
What causes splitting?
As a partner or caregiver of someone with borderline personality disorder, how can I recognize splitting?
How does a "good" therapist react to a patient who is splitting?
What is the key part of therapy when it comes to helping someone with BPD who has the tendency to split?
Can someone who does NOT have borderline personality disorder split?
What are your tips for someone who is splitting?
If I'm in a relationship with someone who is splitting, what should I do?
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #MentalHealth #MedCircle #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthmatters #psychology #splitting
Learn actionable strategies for dealing with BPD by watching our full exclusive series on the topic HERE: bit.ly/3iH7VQk
Is the way I understand political theory a form of splitting?
Does splitting affect ones understanding of polar dichotomy?
If it’s objectively consistent, then is it still splitting on behalf of the subject with BPD?
@George Soros ...for whatever reason, your comment is gone when I try to click on your response to me in the inbox here. What I can see, and then sense, is that your response is likely a decent one...
I’m pretty certain that being bpd combined with INFJ and severe ptsd from MK ultra as a child compels me to understand objective political theory on a scale not seen in generations. Perhaps an acquired savant, even. Working quietly with various think tanks, colleges, professors, etc to help them understand how objective political theory emulates physics is tough as I’m terribly shy .. no one will likely ever know who I am. How’s that for narcissism? Narcissism is self obsessive ie individualistic and individualism sources conservatism. If what I do is for the betterment of all, then how is that narcissistic? If no one ever knows who I am, what is that?
You will never see me come forward to accept responsibility or reward for concepts still held under observation by the scientific community... but I will share some ideas here.
You see, true collectives only work where no one individual nature is predominant over the collective whole. It’s not a collective where only one individual nature is predominant, regardless the numbers involved... for you to understand this comes at the cost of me being forbidden to project...
If harming others for individual gain and likeness is individualistic and individualism sources conservatism, then caring for others is collective ie liberal...
“Me first” vs. “We first”..
the political terms don’t mean what we’ve all been taught they mean, and as such, I suspect everyone is being “double blind sighted” with weaponized disinformation. I mentioned MKU earlier. It’s not what the internet says it is.
You can either find me a loon, or you might want to contact US intel immediately... I don’t know anymore..
I’m not a friend of the US at the moment and am pretty bent on proving to everyone that the true enemy of the US and the world lies here at home behind the veil, not in some distant land...
INFJs never stand down until it’s down.
Im not an ally that the US Capital Establishment can understand, thus I’m an existential threat to the US in general. Especially given what the USCE did to me and those I care about...
The USCE is a conservative entity also known as “Deep State”..
I’ve only got a couple of my files...
They torched the rest without telling me when I turned 18...
I need help... and protection..
@@72marshflower15 Lyman terms?
@@sandyzappa840 run..
Why hasn't medcircle addressed the fact this host is disrespectful. Especially with the fact people WITH these disorders need information without being ridiculed.
I don't split between good person - bad person (I do have bad thoughts and maybe I do become a bad person but all I can do is ride it out and not make any serious decisions during this period). I do split between "They're on my side and care." and "They think I'm an awful person and don't care... and they hope the worst for me."
Edit: I have been diagnosed Schizoaffective Bipolar. Similar symptoms I guess. I hope nothing but the best for you all.
So you're splitting your perception of how they perceive you..?
@@nicholaslandry6367 I've come to realize I split a lot of things. Black / White. My first comment... its literally the abandonment issue they talked about and I didn't see it at first.
sounds like you just explained in more detail what they meant with "good person / bad person"
Same for me
@Kris Same. I cannot tell people how many times i say or think "You just don't care."
-experiences bpd symptoms
-watches this instead of seeking help
A good doctor will always take their patients ideas about what's wrong into consideration when forming a diagnosis, so independent research can be a helpful jumping off point.
I'm watching this because I was diagnosed with a personality disorder that has yet to be identified
Thats actually a good start
You can watch all the videos you want to but a good therapist will get u all the way there.
Relatable
As someone with BPD, I split on myself more than I do with other people. It’s just ‘easier’ to internalize the pain and suffer in silence as opposed to tell someone they just hurt my feelings or make me feel sad. I don’t want people to think of me as too much, too sensitive or easily triggered.
I feel you on this one 😮💨 its exhausting.
I did this a lot and have to catch myself sometimes still. It is hard work but it gets easier. I a lot of times use Check the Facts as a way to check if what I’m feeling and thinking is in fact true and what are the facts of the situation. I also check to see if the intensity of my feelings or reaction is appropriate and then I can say okay I’m splitting or “it’s that good ole BPD” showing up.
That's so sad. I never split on me. I love me. ❤️ I don't mind hurting people's feelings if they hurt mine. Idgaf about their feelings if they don't care about mine. I'm not gonna hurt myself because they suck I'm just not.
Sounds like you're a "quiet bpd", its a subcategory
@@miss.jenny.b Hello my bpd boyfriend left me the reason was as he said : you're dramatic an I can't handle it. It's the fifth day of breakup, he didn't text me and I didn't text him too. What do you think should I text him and tell him that I'm not angry and still love him and I'll be always here for him or it's better to go NC ( no contact)
I want to get him back
Just my take, whenever I split, I tend to internalize it instead of outwardly acting out because I’m super empathetic n don’t wanna hurt the other person. But that anger has to go somewhere so I attack myself instead of them, “why am I so emotional?” “They’re busy why are you so clingy?” “They hate me I should just die”. I tend to impulsively block and isolate myself and make myself even more depressed. I’m trying to get better and not let myself be consumed by my emotions, that rational side is still in me, it just gets overshadowed by this angry demon that plaques my thoughts. I’m in therapy and on anti depressants now but I dunno what to do going forward,,,any advice?
Edit: my anti depressants for some reason make me more angry than sad so I’m starting to lash out more at my family n friends…I think I’m gonna change meds but honestly this shit is so exhausting, it doesn’t even seem worth it :/
edit: hey guys. for the first time in almost a year and a half my symptoms are finally starting to get better. things are still hard for me don’t get me wrong, but the clouds are finally parting. I’ve got a small but close friend group and am dating again, I don’t abuse drugs anymore, I’m starting to pay off my debt and i’m going back to school next month after being forced to take a year off for mental health rzns n bad grades. My psychosis has pretty much vanished too. It’s not sunshine and rainbows at all things are still hard, but I have control over my life for the first time in a while 💗 shoutout to my parents n bestie parker 🫶🏻
Its the same for me & most of the times when ppl become like "bad" I know it and dont want to stay hurtful things & just need to let it pass and be alone. But then they take it personal & stuff bc I cant express it in that exact moment & the aftermath is me having to apologize. Like I get its hard to understand but Im getting so sick and tired of having to apologize even though I didnt do anything wrong and am handling it really well
i relate to this so much
I have no advice I'm very sorry. However, I thank you for putting this into words because I am the same way and haven't veen able to put it into words. I have extreme guilt even when I haven't done anything wrong and I I terrified of hurting people at all. I do not let myself have outbursts rarely ever anymore like i did when I was a teenager. If I do now, it's a lot of crying and I make sure to not say mean things to who I'm talking to but I am so mean to myself. I would rather be mean to myself than to those around me. But its painful.
Thank you for writing this! It's very hard to articulate this experience. I did recently use my assertiveness last week at work (I didn't say it like i was screaming in my head lol) and I think my coworkers will stop taking advantage of my kindness :) but this has taken me almost 2 years to work up to so just be patient with yourself! I believe in you!
Omg I’m glad so many people relate to my rambling, I hope y’all recover and lead happy lives, since that seems so distant to me. But I’m working towards it, even if I fuck up sometimes. I really wish people took the time to understand BPD properly instead of “girl angry then sad” disorder.
"If you're someone's partner you're not their therapist". My mom lost 30 years thinking opposite. 😞
I get it
I spent 10 years figuring that out
I’ve spent 35 years trying to be the therapist. Trying to re-establish who I am now is difficult. Always thought he’d get well some day, he didn’t because he won’t even admit he’s got a problem.
I lost 9. Turns out many ppl see you as their therapist.
Wishing your mom all the best 💞
Lost 9, I'm with you all. Ex and I broke up a few weeks ago. Hope you all are doing better ❤
She is the best psychologist ever I came across. Wow, she truly knows what shes is talking about
Sun Kwon I FEEL THE SAME.. I WONDER IF SHE CAN HELP ME?
Next day: She is the worst psychologist ever I came across...
You got BPD lol.
@@filippians413 HAHA It is weird watching this as I am doing my masters in psychology on my way to what she is doing...yet in secret I know I have BPD. Cog dissonance I guess.
I am very aware of my actions and when BDP is involved. I try not to be black and white but I have to over ride it with logic which is hard because the logic part of the brain developed much later than than emotional part in evolution.
Buuut. She is right in all she says.
@@filippians413 😂😂😂 good one
@@am.d7512 i would be terrified of letting a psych with bpd mess with my head...
I’ve recently gotten diagnosed w BPD and I feel like I experience splitting internally. I do experience the splitting where it’s “I love you/ I hate you” but a lot of the time I go from “this person cares about me and wants me in their life” to “this person hates me and literally wants me dead” over the smallest thing like a cabinet door closing too hard. When i split that way I don’t necessarily think that person is an overall bad person, but instead I project myself. This also causes me to self isolate instead of lashing out, which I still know can be frustrating and toxic, but I just want to share that BPD isn’t always yelling and punching during bad moods.
So your experience might be a "silent BPD".
Or ever, necessarily. I've known someone with silent BPD for 15 years and never once has there been any physical violence or aggression or excessive outbursts. But the pain and anger is just as strong.
I was dating a girl with these symptoms (isolating), I confronted her about it a few times and her response made no sense to me at the time. I hope I will be more considerate hence forth, she was a wonderful person, but now we have no contact
Speaking from personal experience, when we put someone on a “pedestal” and view them as the best because of A, B, and C traits, then when they do something to disappoint us it shatters our reality because we didn’t think they were *capable* of doing that thing. Thus it feels like we’ve been fooled and lied to this whole time. How would you feel if you lived your entire life thinking the world is blue but then suddenly find out it’s purple? It’s because of this dichotomy that we immediately feel betrayed, and because we’ve been betrayed, this person becomes “trash” or the worst person in our mind.
So friggin true. Well said.
The most dangerous people are those who show no clear signs that they cannot be trusted. Because that kind of person gives you a false sense of security. All sorts of craps emanate from dropping your guard.
Then you should take a step back and realize that is your problem? Not others.
Yeah agree with Misty, if we count how many times we have been disappointed by others, ha! But why waste time trying to control sth that we have absolutely no control? We cannot control how others behave, but we can choose how we react to them. Why let other people have power over your feelings?
The problem is you do it when you haven't been betrayed, but the other person is doing something perfectly normal - be late, cancel an appointment, forget something, or even just disagree with you (e.g. about someone else being trash), or want something different than you. Then you interpret that as a betrayal but it objectively isn't. The problem is your inability to deal with perfectly normal setbacks and disappointments we all have to deal with every day.
Hollaring at my BPD peeps! sending u my love and support from a fellow BPD.
Thanks, same to you too God bless!!!
back atcha
Sending you some back keep it for later❤️
Thanks right back a ya!
Sending love Mo Mo K.
THE FIRST DR. I HAVE EVER HEARD GET BORDERLINE ABSOLUTELY CORRECT FROM BEGINNING TO END . I WISH I WOULD HAVE FOUND HER TEN YEARS AGO .
I hear ya. All my life I was treated like I was a fk-up.
@@diya3087 She's a therapist and she talked about her experience with patient with bdp.
she got it on point its crazy
Yeah, usually I hear psychiatrists/psychologists talk about bpd and npd in such insulting ways, like they hate them, and idk why there even psychologists.
When were ready the teachers in our life will appear all we got to do is hold your hand and walk forward have a little bit of faith that we don't have that instill it in us so we can walk stronger than the next time
My husband who experienced SEVERE childhood trauma does this and I didn’t realize it until I watched this video. It was a serious breakthrough moment for me to not blame myself when he is experiencing an episode of splitting. I explained to him what I think he is doing and why. he truly realized that this is what was happening to him and now we can work on it.
THANK YOU!
Lucky him I can't keep anyone I care about smh
@@trevor9153 same 😢🤷🏽♀️
@@trevor9153 you ok?
This makes me cry. You are a beautiful person. I love all borderline ally. I your husband is truly happy to have you. That is so good to hear.
@@olilindinger8919I love you borderlines! ✌️💕 my friend with bpd is the best person in my life!!!
Please don't say that people that know they are splitting wouldn't be doing it. One of the most painful things my BPD comes with is an extreme amount of self-reflection and the ability to find solutions BUT no ability whatsoever to actively change it. Splitting is one good example. When I split I am fully aware of the fact that I am splitting but I can't do more than watching myself do and say awful stuff (to myself, I don't split on others) without being able to stop myself.
You can change yourself. Self-awareness is the first step. Meditation and observing your emotions may help you like it's helped me
I'm with u! I know exactly what I'm doing - can I stop it? No!
Why?
Coz I don't know WHY I'm doing it. And you're right, someone with insight wouldn't do it, shows complete lack of insight on the person who said that!!
yeah, i noticed that, too. it just makes you feel crappier when you know what you're doing but don't know how to stop it.
I’m literally weeping reading comments like yours. I truly thought I was alone.
Just because you're aware you're doing it doesn't mean the rest of us realize it. If you aren't aware of the patterns and haven't be educated on it then you don't realize that what you're doing is wrong. I never realized I was doing it until listening to these videos.
I haven’t slept all night because I discovered BPD. I’m binging every video and I identify with all the symptoms but what really got me was when she mentioned that splitting is often caused by childhood trauma and is practiced later in life because it was a survival mechanism at that time. When I tell you EVERYTHING makes sense now...
mental health awareness and education is such a wonderful thing. I wish you the very best on your journey
@@Noemi-jj4tu this was a year ago but yea people without BPD split all the time anyway and she should see a psychologist if she thinks she has it.
I recommend you look at CPTSD as an underlying cause to address more than just the symptoms. EMDR and DBT are helpful. May need a variety of methods. Your be okay. I avoid over loading with info, esp. early on. You may have traits but not full condition. The crappy childhood fairy is helpful, and ‘The school of life’ too.
me too.. i have always felt like somethings missing from me, ive searched everymental illness there is to find whats wrong with me. when i learnt about bpd im like this is it..
but its really disappointing because where i live i cant really get therapy or any help . now im left wondering what should i do now.. what can i do now,
@@heartspacerelaxations6924 last two u mentioned are these books or utube channel
This lady did not work this hard to be interviewed by a kid who compares her examples to pet's behaviors.
lmfao
Amen.
I'd be happy to be compared to a cat. They're independent and stand up for themselves. It's not something most people would take offense to.
I actually thought it was a funny joke.
Tim Aepelbacher 😹😹
My spouse is diagnosed with BPD. I do own up to my faults and whatever negativity I bring to the relationships. Understanding splitting is helping me to see how I’ve internalized her split perception of me as that all bad person. It’s had a terrible effect on my sense of self worth believing I’m always the bad guy and the one that causes all of the problems in the relationship.
It's not your fault! Please remember it's also important for you to get the help you need. I'm sure they'd hate to know their illness is affecting you as well.
I thought I split until I had therapy. There I realised that because I have had mainly relationships with narcissists, I have rampant self doubt about my perceptions, and so the inconsistencies in their behaviours (from friendly love bombing to abusive raging) were leading me to gaslight myself EVERY time the narcissistic people in my life became nasty after a period of calm, or really nice after a period of vicious abuse. I started to convince myself, gaslighting myself, that I split because I was finding that at the times the narcissistic people around me were pleasant to be with I doubted myself they are ever abusive and at times they are abusive I would feel like I'd just been conned. I wanted to say this because I didn't want anyone who is also experiencing this to mistakenly think they are splitting if they are not. Abuse amnesia and gaslighting can cause a genuine 'forgetting' temporarily of the abusive times in a narcissistic relationship apparently, it is a sort of way to resolve cognitive dissonance I think, and of course if you're often told you've imagined the abuse you also tend to find it hard to contradict your own abuse amnesia even if you're really confused by something and cannot quite get it clear in your head yet
wow your comment hit me . I was actually searching for someone to mention something about it. i think i am in a relationship with a vulnerable narc, and when I am around her, I think I split, but somewhere inside me, that calm intuition says "you are right" but then my fear comes and says "you are splitting", and in this moment I feel like I have enough evidence of very subtle abuse by jokes and shaming disguised as jokes, which when called out she says that they are only jokes, that I feel like I am sure that she is abusing, but I cannot convince myself to accept my intuition as being right. and even though I am 99% sure I am right, that 1% still tilts back the balance to "I am wrong and will remain".
@@RaduP3 completely relate. I had this for about 18 months, but finally came through, now I just know, the 1 percent doubt has disappeared. I pray you get through that bit soon too, it will happen and you'll probably feel like the world changed!
@@Harry-qw5jv thank you. Wish you The best
YESSSS
Good at least you know it was you who caused all of it. You can leave a Narcissists don't blame it on them. Glad you are in therapy you need it.
Him saying grow up a little bit was such a jerk thing to say!
Yeah he’s clumsy and unfunny throughout all of these interviews however I really love the doctors insight
absolutely agree, he comes across as immature, insensitive and uninformed. Try Dr. Fox's channel.
He didn’t literally mean that. He was meaning that most of the time bpd patients have had a traumatic event at an early age that has emotionally stunted them. Through therapy they can “grow” to their current age.
Tina Mansell
I agree, but a borderline tends to hear many innocent things as attacks. That's a struggle I've experienced with borderlines...if things aren't said perfectly it can get twisted into "you're a jerk"......it's actually what they are talking about in this video, ironically.
Not if you have brain damage from it.
I know when I'm splitting and I rationalize the shit out of it, but it still effects me emotionally deeply.
I don't want to look at that person, don't want to talk to them, don't want them to touch me. It takes distance and time as well as effort on my and their part.
yes!! i feel like it's hard when splitting is viewed as so unself-aware when i think there are many people with bpd that realize when they're doing it and may also become angry with themselves FOR being upset with that person
@@liv8095 I'm annoyed when people see it as lack of self awareness. I know exactly when it's happening. I'm in charge. I let it out. I think of it as like unleashing a rabid dog on you. I literally tell people "Please don't make me do this don't make me hurt you." That means that you're skating on very thin ice. Very thin my friend and no I'm not calling the 911 people! I'm gonna let you get hypothermia. Then I'll call them then I'm going home to have some hot cocoa. That's me if you hurt me. I warn everyone. What you do is your choice.
This series is fast becoming a life saver. How my ex could say I was an emotional abuser and dump me but then come back and say I was the best thing in his life and that I helped with his depression. Thank you. Xox
I sat down with my loved ones that I live with, and even though it was really awkward and uncomfortable, I explained what I was going through mentally. I told them how sorry I was for the chaos I had caused, but that I wanted to do my best to make things better for all of us going forward and that, anytime I feel a "split" coming on (or an anxiety attack, bout ofdepression, etc.),, I have practiced saying it out loud. Sort of like a safe word. I say, "I am having a time over here. I need to go outside/in my room/ for a walk/for a second/for a minute/for an hour/whatever it takes" to get back to baseline (calm, collected.)
And I realize I'm very lucky to have such supportive mother and brother in my life.
what was their reaction?
Thank you for this idea I will be doing the same
For me, when I 'split', it's like someone has put a tiny piece of feces in my salad roll: I understand that the salad roll is 99% okay, but I still can't bring myself to eat it any more.
So it depends on what the person has done: it might seem an insignificant act to them, but to me it's unacceptable and the whole relationship is ruined.
exactly the same
pectorialis same
It seems to me that the retaliatory response to one of these incidences is often much more insulting/offensive than the original incident. So does the rational understanding that you are stuffing a turd into their burrito have any effect upon the splitting process?
Would suck to be near you then.
Please more examples like this😃
Thank god theres a channel that educates us about borderline personality disorder,and Dr.Ramani is so informative and articulate.😻😻😻
Paul Ryan right! She’s great I wish she could be my therapist lol
My ex had BPD and I did not know anything about it. I remember telling one of his doctors in the early stages of diagnosis so you're basically saying he's an asshole? And the doctor Shrugged. Lots of help there right? But needless to say my ex was and is still not willing to put forth the work to get better
When my ex girlfriend broke up with me last year she mentioned that I acted like I liked her and then sometimes I acted like someone who doesn't like her at all. Looking back now, I can absolutely understand why she felt that way and that I was probably splitting.
The end of this video is what got me for sure. If it's something that I constantly say is "I'm tired of being a punching bag" when thinking of my sister who has BPD. The amount of mental trauma I have endured due to her viciousness has left me to create boundaries that has resulted into a no contact relationship after I gave it my all.
"You are their partner, not their therapist." That really hit my hard.
I grew up with a mother with BPD. I felt like I never knew where I stood. It was quite challenging.
It must’ve been so difficult for you, for this reason I don’t want to have babies (I have bpd), I feel that If I have one I’m going to ruin their life and I don’t want them to go through this journey that I’m having 😪
Silvia it was hard. However all parents make mistakes. If you want children please don’t let your disorder stop you! There are great things about it. You can work to have a good relationship . My mom wasn’t diagnosed until later in life. All parents mess up some! 💜
@@elizabethrodgers8616 that's beautiful ❤ I'm a mom with BPD and luckily I've been very self aware my whole life. I'm constantly observing my behaviour and responses. It is exhausting. All we can do is communicate and understand eachother. X
I’m sure that was difficult. 💛 My own mother had something herself-either NPD or BPD.
I can feel you. It is their contradictory behavior, you’re having to constantly walk on eggshells, never knowing what to expect from them from minute to minute, you’re left feeling so unbalanced. You stand there, just waiting for them to pull the rug out from under you, and beneath you you’re standing on the edge of a cliff, just waiting to fall. One moment they say they love you, and the very next they’re calling you every name in the book. My dad did this to my brother and I, we never knew what to expect from him. It is so hard to live with that. It has left scars on my life. Do you trust someone, then the first argument happens, who are they? Where do you stand. Will you survive this, Is this relationship something you should even try? Are they you’re dad, just on repeat? You never truly know what to expect from anyone, no matter how much they say they care. It doesn’t matter what kind of relationship it is, romantic, friendship, or someone you work with, you never feel entirely like you can trust them from the first moment that something goes wrong. You are surprised when it doesn’t all explode around you. You’ve been left with little understanding of what normalcy is.
I used to completely refuse and deny my diagnosis. I would never recognize myself in videos and articles about BPD, but this doctor explains it so well that it always feels eye-opening to watch her. I feel like she understands me better than I do. I'm really thankful for these videos because they played a huge part in my acceptance of being Borderline and in my recovery path.
One thing that sometimes helps me with splitting is doing CBT exercises. CBT helps you deal with irrational thoughts that cause distress by recognizing the thought errors and replacing them with rational thoughts.
I do not like this host; and no, I am not splitting.
He is actually encouraging some of the sigma against BDP. We are not like cats, thank you. We are not children. We are people with a painful situation, and we are doing our best.
Cats and children are also people though
You are demons
❤️❤️❤️❤️
I do not think there is any stigma about BPD. The ones who know about it (and suffer it) are those in a close contact with them: partners, children, siblings, parents.
This video is mostly about how to cope with abusive and hurtful behavior while keeping helpful and supportive attitude.
Don't think you are the only one living a hell, you're spreading the hell around.
Yes! He’s acting as if BPD is a joke. But again...I DO feel like a cat. Hell, I wish I were a cat so I wouldn’t have to deal with people unless I needed something. 🤣🤣🤣
My BPD ex just broke up with me two weeks ago, and she insulted me so hard that it made me feel depressed. Now I realize that she‘s splitting, the same way that she was splitting, when she put me on that pedestal before we were together.
I can recover from her extreme negative judgement now that I know that she‘s splitting
This is my husband. Suffering from BPD and does a lot of splitting. It’s overwhelming to a point now we’re already relationship splitting. It’s affecting our life
Cried throughout this whole video. I'm sick of seeing 2 versions of people and having to "split" the two. I know it's illogical.. but I can not shake the FEELING. And the feeling is intense and deep and takes over my whole mind/body. It's hard when you feel things SO intensely yet there's no justification for it. It really makes you struggle with what is a real feeling and what is a BPD feeling. I'm 33 years old and still haven't figured it out. Ugh. I'm so sick of living like this 😭 praying for everybody with any type of mental health condition. This stuff is NO joke 🙏😭🌹
Seems liek you are empathizing with other Human struggles online. I have BPD and still don't fully understand it. But here we are gathering our knowledge together. Stay Up! :)
You're one step ahead of my sister. I dont think she has had this realization. and we are around the same age. I'm proud of u. I suggest writing on your phone a phrase like "is it real or is it border" to help u remember when u are upset. And then u can journal in your phone about the event and figure out how to feel about it. *hugs*
@@amyapple2774 Thank you so much! Honestly.. I didn't come to these realizations until recently. Finally I was diagnosed at 30 and put on a medication that stops the anger outbursts. That helped IMMENSELY. Without it- I doubt I would ever be able to tell the difference between what is a real feeling and what isn't. I'm so sorry about your sister! Watching a loved one struggle with this is almost just as bad as having it yourself. I truly believe that. I hope she is able to get some help. Medication does help but it took me over 8 months to find what worked best.. even then.. I have my bad days. I hope your sister doesn't give up! I promise there is light at the end of the tunnel.. for both of you. Thank you so much for your kind words. They really made my day. Keeping you and your family in my prayers! Stay safe! 🥰🌹
@@WhiskeyBiscuits23 Sorry. Lol. This video really pulled the emotion out of me. Just figured I would share my thoughts with anyone that might understand. Thank you for your reply. Wish you the best. 🥰🌹
I hope u have a great day too 😊 my sister refuses to go back to therapy. She gave up after a couple of sessions. Thank u for sharing ur experience cause it helps me understand her since she doesn't want to work on herself, I have to do the work and figure out how me and my mom should interact with her cause right now we fight a lot. Sometimes she listens to what I tell her and haven't given up on her. Thank u so much, I really mean it, u have helped me a lot 🌻
I was diagnosed with BPD in the early 90s. My main issue was/is splitting. I'm still surprised when someone points this out. I read Patty Duke's (an actress w/ BPD) book "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me"... helped a lot.
Oohs. Thanks for the "recommendation ". I'll look into that book.
I read a book that was written half by a therapist and half by Patty Duke on bipolar when I was first diagnosed. I wish I remembered the name. Now that I also have a diagnosis of bpd I think I will read that book.
I thought Patty Duke's book as about bipolar, not borderline personality disorder.
Charity Hester I just now learned that Patty Duke wrote about manic/depression and not borderline personality disorder. I don't know how I got that confused... sorry for bad info. However, the book "I Hate You- Don't Leave Me" is about borderline personality disorder.
Karen Pierce yes you are right! I looked it up. I don't know how I associated Patty Duke with that book. The book "I Hate You- Don't Leave Me" is about borderline personality disorder. Thanks for helping me remember correctly.
Its sad how your close ones always remember the splitting episodes but forget how BPDs always go out of their way to do things for them. Its not mentioned enough how empathetic BPDs are. No one wants to understand.
Lovely summary. I agree
You are right. However, not everyone only remembers the negative episodes. Those that do are not worth your time, or if they are need teaching. You are spot on about empathy. I really like that. WHY do BPD people hurt so much if they are so cold and heartless?? Only through pain, can we understand pain in others and empathise. Empathy is such a good quality. We can also be empathetic towards ourselves. Just a thought...!
@@flyagaric1607 thhank you ❤❤❤
@@ADevilFromHeaven welcome :) xx
It’s not really consistent tho unfortunately, what’s the point of doing good things just to turn around and do great harm once more.
Shout out to anyone living with a person with BPD. I commend you on your patience & compassion ♥️
I tend to split people in
"They're really nice, how lucky am I to know them!?"
and
"Wow, what a trash excuse for a human. Man they suck and surely hate me too."
It is quite annoying :/
I sometimes realise it's happened when I reach the middle ground again, but then I end up getting ashamed that I've split which tends to trigger my self-destructive tendencies.
Or when the splitting you get so paranoid that you think that everyone is talking behind your back or judging you. Even to the point where family members or friends can be having a conversation with each other and you aren’t involved and start to think “are they talking about me” when it’s nothing but them just talking about other things and not about you.
Why do you care?
Misty cowels. Its called bpd. Its just like that. Its a diagnosis for a reason. We dont choose what we get
@@virrehue I think it is an excuse. Label yourself all you want. Don't take any responsibility for yourselves or your behaviors. Everyone tries to figure out how to lessen their copiability and that is what some of you are doing.
@@virrehue I have no idea what you are referring to . You do have a choice to stop the behavior dont use an excuse. Grow up.
@@mistycowles229 YOU BULLY YOUVE BEEN REPORTED
"And if your therapist doesn't know what splitting is, then it's time to split from that therapist" Rofl!
I split to a fault. I was dx'd with BPD 4 or so years ago. It's really tough to deal with. It's crazy. It's like a delusion. My relationships are very unstable. But making music helps a lot. It's how I get the negative feelings out in a healthy way.
splitting is a huge issue for me 😞 and it's crazy bc the logical me generally sees the grey areas but when something hits a nerve, i literally cannot help it. i hate that i am aware of it bc it makes me internalize shit more and im just like ugh, stop being this way. it just makes me feel shittier bc i want ppl to fully accept me yet, i struggle with fully accepting others. it's such a viscous cycle bc i want to be a good person but my issues make me look bad and then i feel bad and yeah, it just sucks
Honestly, it's huge that you recognize the hypocrisy. I've always said, the only reason I'm not still friends with certain people I knew who have BPD is because they could never take responsibility for their bad behavior and apologize, even if I apologized for my part in upsetting them. One of them didn't even accept her diagnosis. I imagine recognizing and knowing that you are struggling to accept someone fully when you want them to fully accept you makes contrition a bit easier. At least logically, you can probably see the need for it, even if it feels wrong. Tit for tat and all that, be the person you want to receive. So props to you. That's probably the most self aware thing I've ever heard from someone who suffers with splitting. And the journey of healing is impossible without self-awareness.
that's what DBT is for it has you practice certain exercises until you build up the 'muscle'
BPD is a personality issue not a chemical issue like depression/schizophrenia
I don't have bpd but I can sort of relate I was under lots of drugs (not street drugs but hospital drugs as I had complications from chemotherapy) and my local hospital was really slow, I hadn't slept at all for the 7 days I was there because every 2 hours my vitals were checked, I was really anxious and barely functioning and seeing my parents worry too It was the hardest time of my life then suddenly when I was trying to have a bath I started hallucinating and being 15 I was scared shitless as I'd never had anyrhing like that happen, i was touching the patterns on the bath but they disappeared and i felt the bath instead of thr patterns, the walls felt like they were closing in then I screamed and after that my body and my mind felt a disconnect, I was trying to explain it to my dad who but only gibberish random words came out I was talking like an overhyped mentally disabled person (no offence to them that's just what was going on) my mouth was smiling but I was scared shitless thag I couldn't control my body and I had to watch myself do insane things like I stomped on my right leg (that leg had the tumour on it) my dad picked me up confused my body tried to fight him then I blacked out. No idea what happened next but I woke up completely naked back in my ward with a doctor and my dad around me. I could finally control my body and try to explain it. I asked what happened and why I was naked (I hadn't taken all my clothes of before). My dad had a nose bleed and apparently I smacked him against a wall, I felt so bad I'm bot a voilent person even when I get mad I'm the type to just take my anger out using words or just walk away. No recollection of it. I'm truly sorry this is your life, this happened to me once and it still scares me I can't imagine it being permanent. I wish you good luck
@@YuniX2 i appreciate you
I think where she says, “you are their partner, not their therapist” is really important to remember. It might feel good to be the saviour, but this kind of attitude is only toxic to both you and your partner. You might think you’re doing them a favour, but you’re not doing yourself one. And sometimes, it can be really imposing and burdensome to your partner cause even after all your effort, they’re still not “fixed”.
Co-Dependents Anonymous is an excellent support group that helps teach healthy relationships and boundaries
@@user-hp9nn5si2q Exactly the place I'm in now. Spent a year with my ex trying to get them help, into therapy, to see a psychiatrist to get a diagnosis. I stayed overnight at a hospital, and came with them to every appointment with a counselor to ensure that they would go and get the help they deserved. Yet in the end, I was the bad guy. They broke up with me because it felt "controlling" to them that I still wanted intimacy and to be part of their life in the capacity of a partner and friend. I also thought I was helping, but I realize now that all the times I walked on eggshells to avoid hurting her was actually hurting me and the both of us. I deserve to be with someone who I can speak openly with, who will understand my reasonable needs and fulfill them, and talk to me when I'm being unreasonable and work with me to come to a compromise. I deserve someone who won't split on me and forget the year's worth of beauty and good and love and hard work at the flip of a dime because I said the wrong thing and I demonstrated being a human being with flaws. You deserve better too. DM me if you'd like to talk.
@@solarcatt Hey just saw your comment. Can we talk? I think I'm going through the same thing
@@pleidastaurus5908 Hey
@@solarcatt Anita, I am learning about bpd, I think someone close to me has bpd. So how is splitting a defense mechanism? Is there an article or video you can guide me to?
I used to see that person only looking at 2 extremes and not in the grey area in the middle. If I try explain, then that person will say its my fault because they did that, or sometimes I start believing what they say- I started to doubt myself. Did you get this feeling too?
4:04 - The interviewer cuts her off just as she tries to explain "dialectical", after his superfluous excursion ten seconds later, Dr Ramani comes back and explains it without missing a beat. She is a excellent communicator.
I disagree with the "if they knew, they wouldn't do it". I'm very often aware when I'm splitting. I just can't stop. I know that I'm feeling intense irrational emotions, but I can't stop feeling them. I desperately remind myself that I frequently lose touch with reality, but I can't let the pain go. It's like frantically trying to shake away something that was glued to your hand. I sometimes do "good person, bad person" but mostly I just have issues with the world as a whole or myself when I split. "If they knew, they wouldn't do it" just sounds like a real fucking stupid and insensitive thing to say about someone with just about any mental illness.
You are one of the few AWARE people with BPD then. Bc I never realize I'm splitting. And no one will ever call me out on it bc I don't think they realize I'm doing it either.
Yes. I'm very aware if I'm splitting but no amount of logic and rationalisation can change what I feel so deeply in my core. When I have these feelings about my therapist, I will always discuss them and try and work through it but even then, I can't shake the feeling that the relationship is permanently tainted and it can never go back to the way it was before.
But in society that doesn’t matter. They assume this is just learned and it’s just you.
This. 😢 It's a nightmare cycle for those of us who have it and those whom we do it to. They just see evil while inside we're watching and screaming at ourselves to stop because we know it's not right.
Exactly this, the rational part of my brain knows that what I'm doing is unhealthy & will make things worse but I'm totally incapable of stopping. Hopefully with the DBT skills I'm learning now I'll eventually be able to break this pattern
The last part about not being a punching bag truly resonated with me. My partner hasn't been formally diagnosed, but she seems to be displaying many of the traits of BPD and I've booked a session with a couples councillor. I feel a psychiatrist may be necessary for her too. I feel like a doormat, and yet I'm here trying to find ways to help them.
"You are their partner, not their therapist" really had me feel at ease with a lot of things and come to terms with the fact that i do lay a lot of my issues on friends and past partners thinking they can fix them. But they cannot. Thank you for this
I am a psychiatric nurse and have worked with a lot of BPD clients. It can be really surreal at times. I had a client that I used to see in the community every week. There were moments when I was "the only person that helps me" and the next week she was at our office literally screaming in my face and all I would say is "I can see you're angry, I'm sorry you feel that way" which in turn just made her more angry and I would be back to her favorite person again. You have to VERY consciously not take that personally.
That's right. And no matter how much they blame other people, screaming and crying at them, they never hold themselves to the same standard. Plus they can be laughing on the phone with their friend 2 minutes later never once thinking of the verbal rot they just poured out on somebody else. If you make the mistake of taking them around friends on a nice picnic and they start throwing a fit and screaming and yelling at you, they will never once notice that everybody else packs up their stuff and leaves. It's like they can't see or hear anything or connect with what they just did.
You're awesome. You're the favorite bc they can be themselves with you that's why. They know you don't take it personally and that's why you're amazing. 👏
yea ofc she got mad i would be too
She said "in a day" more like "in 10 minutes"
Splitting can even have multiple cycles in one day. I remember a day with my BPD parent when I started the day as the golden child as we prepared to go to an event where I was going to be recognized as an honor student. I don’t remember what happened to bring on the splitting but I do remember being verbally abused at home and in the car on the way to the honor student ceremony. I was desperately trying to stop crying so my eyes would not be red and puffy when I got there. Then as soon as we walk into the public setting my BPD parent turns into all smiles and praise for me, fawning over me, telling other people how lucky she is to have me and how proud she is of me, etc… But once we were back in the car the verbal abuse started again, telling me how horrible I am. I think that was the first time in my life that I was mature enough to start to realize that something was seriously wrong with my BPD parent (I was in high school).
I notice that a lot of the commenters on here are people with BPD so I want to plead with you, if you have children please get in therapy, stay in therapy, work as hard as you can at your therapy and your kids probably need to be in therapy too. Learning about BPD and talking about it with a therapist was really instrumental for me making sense of my life and healing from the damage done but that didn’t happen until I was around 30. I now have a decent relationship with my BPD parent and I don’t know if that could have happened without understanding BPD.
I just want to say I really do understand what you mean, my mother was exactly the same, she was very abusive and I do think she has bpd she’d just split out of the blue and insult me and she’s put on a smile for the public. Still to this day she hasnt received the diagnosis because she refuses to believe that she’s anything wrong with her, she ever use to physically assault me as a teenager until one day I hit her back and she never touched me again. At 17 I actually received the diagnosis of bpd due to trauma and bipolar type 1 before I turned 20
This doctor is so awesome! Her approach to complicated topics is so easy to follow. You can definitely tell that she's passionate about her work and that she's good at it.
I have borderline and what they said is true. I need to be around people who give me calm assurance and on eye level communication as all living beings need this. We all need to be around calm, genuine and Caring people in order to heal.
Steps for handling splitting:
1. Hopefully you're both getting into therapy
2. Own it, take responsibility, you're not going to leave and its not the end of the world
3. Keep doing your best with this but:
That does NOT mean you're going to be the punching bag.
Sometimes you have to step back.
Thank you! Excellent BPD splitting survival guide for loved ones and the video stayed on topic without blaming people for their illness. It was matter-of-fact and compassionate. Well done! Very useful stuff here.
One thing I learned once been diagnosed was that because I have a therapist explaining to me what my behaviour is I’m now more able to recognise the behaviours as they happen, once I become conscious of that behaviour, it’s kinda like I’m stepping back and evaluating myself from the outside rather than been caught up in that feeling, I’m acknowledging the feeling instead of been drowned in it
Based on my ex-girlfriend's response to me, this makes sense with the behavior that she had toward me. Went from sweet and loving to totally emotionally abusive. Learned to know what the red flags are, but somehow ignored them because I was fawning. I know a lot of people with BPD who are in therapy and they seem to be very genuine and caring and more stable.
What were some of the red flags?
This may be the one moment that I can wrap my brain around how my husband does this splitting behavior and have it make sense. He has always had this "way" about him where he meets someone and they are great...he thinks they are such a good friend, talk about them all the time, spend time with them a lot and then boom!! They are no stinking good because of something they said or did to them. In our relationship its the 'whiplash" affect I refer to where we are engaging in amazing conversation, having fun, laughing and within two or three words he is pissed as hell and we are fighting and he is make insinuations of leaving with like "I don't know if I can do this anymore", walks out, silent treatment. It makes my head spin.
I have BPD and am in a healthy, committed, long term relationship. It’s tough, but as you said, therapy makes a world of difference. I’ll always be in therapy, I’ll always be monitoring symptoms and journaling and checking in with my wife, and when we have kids I’ll always be monitoring my behavior on a totally different level to ensure they’re receiving the most stable, loving, nurturing, empathetic parent possible. It’s extremely difficult to achieve the type of relationship I have now and it required my wife (who has her own mental health/substance abuse problems, which she’s made huge strides on) and I working hard to realize what it is we want and need from ourselves and each other. For me, being that vulnerable reallllly triggered my fear of abandonment and it was tough to work through. But it was the key to having a relationship where splitting is no longer a daily (or multiple times daily) occurrence.
@@discogoth this made me cry, I hope I get to a place like this someday :(
@Music That Disturbs Me @Music That Disturbs Me Hey there. I'm curious what your thoughts are on this.. I had to a leave a 6 year relationship with a girl who's in her 30's. I loved and really cared about. I sorta found myself taking on this role of wanting to make her happy. She complained about work a lot, seemed to always be sad about something going on. I became this person who was always trying to lift her up and reframe situations in a positive way. One night she got drunk and cut herself. That strengthened my resolve to stay by this girls side and help her through hard times. (This cutting was something she occasionally did, especially when drinking).
Shortly after this event she made extraordinary changes by sobering up. Didn't cut herself anymore, cleaned up her appearance (no longer wore all black, and dyed hair black), excelled at work, saved money, developed healthy outdoor habits, and handled her responsibilities. Despite this amazing chances, the intense emotions were still there. She had meltdowns, she pouted, she lashed out at me, cursing, criticizing. She'd go from yelling to slamming her bedroom door and crying. She started hitting herself in the head really hard and screaming when arguments became overwhelming for her. Several times she has even screamed, hit herself in the head, and threatened to crash the car while driving on the freeway. Stepping on the gas for a brief moment before slowly coming back down. She even started punching and pinching me (in the shoulder). One time barged out of her room and started punching me in the chest and shoulder with a lot of anger behind it. She'd sometimes get mad at me in public, have these little meltdowns and pout off. Telling me to stay the fuck away from her. Would have to trail 30 feet behind until she cooled off. She was unhappy with her life and our relationship.
Very often when she was very upset with me, she would yell for me to leave, then when I get ready to leave would break down crying, wanting me to stay. I used to call ubers and cancel them last minute all the time.
She often said things like "I feel weird", I ask "how so?" and she responds "I don't know..". Sometimes she asked "do you ever feel like none of this is real?" but would never elaborate.
She was extremely irritable. Just so bothered by certain things. Also lots of anxiety, feelings that certain people close to her are mad her, and body pain. She had headaches and fibromyalgia. I gave her massages almost every night.
She had these little triggers like getting extremely upset if I looked sad or wasn't smiling enough in a photo. Or if I showed feelings of being tired, grumpy, bratty or irritable myself. I did my best to be understanding when she snapped at me, but there seemed to be zero wiggle room with my emotions. Which is hard, because I'm not perfect and have my flaws too. I'm sensitive, maybe too defensive at times, and can be bratty. I had to do my best to maintain a good attitude. I couldn't afford to have an off day or she might make me feel bad about it.
For example: She used to call me everyday to tell me her work stories. Which, I didn't mind; I liked hearing from her and talking with her. But one day I answered the phone with an apathetic "hello". And she hung up the phone on me and started texting, cursing at me. She also used to get really mad if I wasn't talkative enough in the car. Say I never initiate conversation. Call me blob. And sarcastically say things like "wow, this trip is gonna be real fun." And if she created a negative mood she would demand that I change the subject on the spot to something positive to make it all better. Would accuse me of not making an effort when I said that's hard for me to flip to positive like like that. She'd get mad if I walk past her to go to the bathroom and don't acknowledge her with a smile or slap her on the butt. I called her pretty like 4 times a day or she might call me out on it. She would get really upset if I didn't say "you're welcome" to her saying "thank you". She wanted to make eye contact with me every morning before walking about the door for work. One morning I was looking away on accident and she slammed the door, sped off, and texted me "FUCK YOU! back to our shitty life and relationship! I hope I die today."
She blamed me for her unhappiness because I was hesitant to take the relationship to the next level by moving somewhere to build a life. I was afraid of getting in too deep. So she kept blaming the fights on how the relationship was stagnant, but I was skeptical.
I know I wasn't perfect and at contributed to the problems. She had this way of really convincing me that I was this terrible boyfriend who has so much to work on. This was my first relationship, I have have never been so emotional in my entire life. I found myself crying and yelling too. Sometimes the fights were just too much, but I didn't even think about personality disorders. I was convinced that maybe I was really causing these intense emotions. She blame-shifted, I always ended up feeling guilty and apologizing for everything. I also became extremely conflict avoidant and bottled up feelings.
If it was always like this I probably would've called it quits. But she had such a sweet, fun, beautiful side. One day she could be annoyed with me, and then for a week she can think I'm the most amazing man ever, and grateful to have me in her life. I always did my best to try and keep this side. I gave positive encouragement; complimented her all the time; helped her through work problems; i cleaned; did house chores; did the dishes every night; gave her massages; always down to do whatever she wanted every night and weekend. but I slipped up sometimes. Maybe waking up grumpy and annoyed when she says "okay, time to get up now." when I just want a day to sleep in. But she her reaction could just made me feel like I'm such a piece of crap, as if it's unreasonable to want a Saturday morning to myself to just catch up on sleep. Always had to get up to go somewhere out of town. Even if I really didn't feel like it, I had to put that smile on my face and act like wanted to.
I got so deep into this relationship and I found myself in this role of just trying to make this girl happy, but slipping up sometimes from getting tired, annoyed, and careless. I wasn't really aware of any of this until I left the relationship and reflected deeply on it.
I kept getting deeper and deeper, but always with a voice in the back of my mind telling me this isn't good for your life. I got to know her family more, I formed more memories with her. Making the inevitable separation more damaging. I couldn't bring myself to end up. We kept cycling back to beautiful moments. I also cared about her. I tried breaking up once and when she started crying I just hugged her and said "I'm not going anywhere"
It finally got to the point where a decision had to be made. I started thinking about my life, possibly having a kid with her, if living for with her for life would mean for my life. I made the most difficult decision to say goodbye to her and thinking about that day still brings me to tears. She cried so hard and said things I will never forget, like "I wish this wasn't happening", "I thought we were best friends," "I don't know what I'm going to without you" "I'm gonna miss you". All she ever talked about was moving away together and building a life. When she wasn't hating me, she showed so much love. She had pictures of us in her office; sang my praises to her co-workers; never lied or cheated, just thought the world of me. And I ended up crushing her heart.
I can't get over it. I just thought I was doing what needed to be done, but I feel so guilty. On top of that, she blocked me on everything and wishes I never existed and moved on to another guy in like 4-6 weeks after I left. She hates my guts and I will be forever remembered as a villain in her life. A terrible mistake. It's tragic.
I really cared about her but just didn't know what else to do. I feel like I got too deep into something and it just went on for too long because of the role I played.
It's been 11 months and I think about her everyday still and the good times. We did everything together. feel empty without her.
Do any of those traits I mentioned sound like BPD? She wasn't always like that. She had a really sweet, adorable, fragile side to her that just made you want to never leave. Maybe high-functioning?
These interviews feel smoother each time, I really appreciate the content you put out. Thank you!
Yes, i like how they learn with each interview. Lovely project
I agree! I think both the interviewer and the interviewee are connecting better with each interview.
she's a control freak
@@kayferrari5361 wat
@@kayferrari5361 Who? Ramani? No, she's not.
Sending love & support to anyone experiencing these symptoms! 💙
Keep following the path toward healing. You've got this!
I can't get enough of these two, the perfect duo in our mental health community ❤
i split all the time, but i only notice afterwards. my boyfriend (majored in psychology) always points it out to me so its helpful to have someone tell me "hey, you're doing it again" lol
Why this guy like to compare people to domestic animal's? 😂😂😂
Idk but domestic animals are awesome. (I have bpd.)
He says WOW a lot too
Brent Manuel 😂😂😂
It's his way of connecting what she's talking to his world since he doesn't have as much experience with it himself. I think it's great cuz he's trying to understand.
he used to deal with animals before this I think
Dr. Ramani is so knowledgeable and Kittleson is such a curious interviewer; they make an excellent duo, respectful and such in depth conversations.
I keep being amazed by how much information they provide, and how nice it is to listen to and watch them.
Thank you so much! ⚘
I really saw myself in this and I didn't even knew i did it. I love your videos. You give people with bpd a chance to show others that we are not all bad🙏
And “grow up a little”?
This woman is speaking about a serious issue and you keep bring up animals and laughing.
I agree. Not very professional in my opinion.
I agree 100% he's unprofessional and doesn't seem to care about the topic on mental illness of BPD. Referring to us as cats and how we need to grow up, I'm sorry but that's effed up and I hate him. There's an example of splitting without referring to a furry animal. He's a horrible interviewer!!
She seems to like him though
Obviously people who have bpd or know someone who does is going to be watching this video. So, it would be smart for the interviewer to approach his comments with a lot more compassion & sensitivity for the people who are watching & looking for advice. Also, I don't think it's helpful for people looking for information about their loved ones to say that the person with bpd needs to grow. There are more compassionate and helpful ways to get the point across. If I was looking for advice for a loved one I would leave this video telling them to, "grow up & get a therapist, this is not my problem talk to your therapist about it." That may not be 100% wrong, but it's definitely not helpful.
@@lhut7197 many with bpd find this video helpful though
Omg this video has me crying! Understanding my behavior and seeing how the traumas have lead to this. I never knew bpd existed. I’ve not been able to keep a close relationship for long. My roommate pointed out this year that I might have bpd cause I kept splitting with her. I HATE SPLITTING. It makes it so hard for my close loved ones. I didn’t really even understand it til now. I see a therapist and I don’t even know if that is helping. I’m into yoga and meditation, dance, I make music, I teach, I work with kids. I’m “functional.”
but when it comes to relationships, I either love or hate them. I’m a different person that I’m ashamed of and I’m shocked at how mean, irritable, jusgemental I could be when I do so much work for compassion. It’s like it’s gotten worse because I’m working on having a romantic relationship and the closer we get the more tumultuous it has become :( I have hope. But it’s hard and it sucks and makes me angry at the shit i’ve had to go through in my life.
I feel you. I always thought I was extremely content being alone, especially romantically. When I start to get turned off by someone who I start dating I am now wondering if it is part of BPD, which I literally didn't think I had because of my emapthic feelings. Now I know that being overly sensitive and aware of other people can be a trait for some with BPD. Wellll shoooooots...HA looks like I am on a road to self discovery I never saw coming. I believe I have depressive/internalized subtype? Ive been in therapy for over 10 years and not one time has a doctor mentioned Borderline to me? Curious. I hope you are feeling good two years after your discovery I read in your post here?
THANK YOU so much for this. I have BPD and the last bit hit hard! My partner is not my therapist! So powerful and important. Its so important to take accountability when healing through this process, and sometimes self reflection and self research can go a long way. Noticing when you slip up and split is like gaining a super power. And to anyone who also comes across this, i believe in you. We got this! Theres so much information out there available, dont be scared to look into it. I was afraid too, but just find the right time when you're comfortable. Have these hard conversations with yourself, its worth it. And if you can invest in therapy if you think it may help, too. BPD doesn't have to control us. ❤ One day at a time. We're all learning!
I came to this video because I have a friend who has BPD and I think I am their 'favourite person'. I'm really struggling to hold all the complexity and intensity of their emotions in our friendship and it's negatively effecting my mental health. I think the end of this video hit me hard because I could see how traumatised this person was when I first met them, but we bonded because I could empathise with their heartbreak and trauma. I wanted to help them because in them I recognised my own hurt inner child to a degree and somehow realised I was 'lucky enough' to find ways to integrate parts of myself as an adult so that I could live a more healthy mental life - even though I still have my struggles. I thought that maybe I could help this friend, to help them not give up and see all the potential still in them for a happier and fulfilling life. I see so much amazing qualities in them but they seem trapped in their trauma as their only narrative. But our relationship has got to a complex point where I sometimes feel like their emotional punchbag or at least involuntary therapist, for which I don't actually have enough skill - and it's impossible for me to bring up any of my discontents without being automatically shut down. I would love a future in which we can survive these complexities but I think part of that is me being honest with what I can and cannot hold myself. Because I am a human who needs to survive also. But I think thats the thing, I sometimes feel like they haven't been given the privilege of people seeing the humanity in them and therefore they find it hard to see the humanity in others. The humanity being exactly that grey area that Dr. Ramani speaks of. I think it's hard for them to see the grey space in others because when they were growing up nobody saw that in them. Nobody gave them the space to process 'imperfection', imperfection being simply human. They were just being punished and traumatised constantly whilst they were still developing. It's a heart breaking thing really.
LOL "they need to grow up" thats literally the worst thing you could have said.
Yeah I felt a little rage there not gonna lie lol
He meant because it starts as a child with trauma, that they need to learn to grow past that hurt child. They both explained that right afterwards.
@@myothernameisnana7188 Even then, as a host of a channel that focuses on mental health / mental illnesses, he should've known better. The impact is heavier than the intent, and in this case the impact was way too reductive, negative, and hurtful.
Right that kinda pissed me off
Agreed!
Yo, Dr Ramani just needs her own segment. Interviewer is weak af.
this is a weaker interview, though it's aimed at the NT's (neural typicals) not the ones with BPD themselves.
I agree but don't want to put (***NEGATIVITY***) OUT INTO THE WORLD NOW.
I dunno... I don't think he is weak. I think he is just having a conversation and asking questions as someone who has no idea abut BPD - thats the goal, to shed light on BDP as if you have NO IDEA what it is..... it's not an intellectual conversation about two people discussing BPD its a DOCTOR explaining to what BPD is to the interviewer. He is not a punching bag for ya'll to criticize, dang.
Fucking true
but why?
I think he is great .
Thank you for all your work on this. I have this diagnosis, and am grateful to get the help in these videos.
I just lost my 95 year old father who I believe had BPD and split all the time. He split with friends, family and work associates. He wrote of my sister and I over 10 years ago and along with us, our families. He died not seeing great grandchildren all because he split with me and my sister.
So deeply sad.
These sessions are very helpful to all of us. I have been bpd since childhood bcz our home was very unstable. My dad thought I was crazy bcz he never ustood me. My parents were so busy fighting amongst themselves prior to divorce, mental health issues were ignored....nothing was discussed n we "pretended" that all was normal. I couldn't pretend or deny what was going on. I was in a 6 wk program for bpd much later on. We were given helpful tools to apply to life. Of course nothing has really changed. We (3 kids, myself included) were abandoned more than once-divorce, foster care, mom leaving our city without goodbyes. So who is crazy here? One cannot come out unscathed n whole. I just try to do my best n control my impulses at 62. I am a survivor. Everyone else is deceased. In a sense.....no one is "normal" as we all fit some category. Just needed to share, so thx
jisanos. Sorry you had to deal with a mom that was inconsistent n hard on you. It's not easy living with any "disorder"......n dealing with more than one only complicates things. Try to be your best self. I am sorry you are isolated n have few friendships. (You again, are not alone !) Let's be positive n do the healthy things that make us feel better. Simple things. I love animals-they don't judge. Find your passion. There are many who could use a hand, if you are able. Peace n hugs 🍀⭐🌸
My family life was not great asa kid and things outside my family were not great,my mom was unpredictable, my mail role models always left, and I was sexually abused many times and by many different people by the time I was 18. I have a slew of mental disorders and I totally feel your pain. I am sorry you had to survive and not just live, I am sorry that my life was that way. It sounds like you are a lot like me though and even though things weren’t great and you have more than one disorder you picked yourself up by your boot straps and survived instead of giving in and if there is nothing else you can give yourself credit for do it for that.
Charity Hester. Right on! Very sorry for the hellish nightmare that you've lived. The best we can do....even with all disorders considered n challenges overcome (like any kind of abuse) is try to be happy n thumb our nose at what we can't change. Love yourself n be kind to yourself. All best wishes ! 🍀⭐🌸 thx for your response
Thank you for sharing this.
thank you sincerely for sharing your story.
I remember telling my ex, “It’s 10:30 in the morning! You’ve changed your attitude toward me 3 times already! Pick a mood and stick with it!”
I understand your frustration about it, but I also hope you understand that until proper coping techniques are developed, that is not a choice in the moment. wish you well
@@RaduP3 I coped…. I divorced him.
As a nicu nurse I am reminded of an even earlier point of the development of state control in extremely premature babies. Early on, as they have no way to calm or steady them selves, they require external control of soothing, as they cannot stop flailing. These integrations just keep on coming through our lives. Great interviewer, and interviewee and teacher. Thanks
I still split occasionally without realizing but once I learned about splitting and how it looks specifically to me i have been able to make massive steps and rarely split anymore. For me what helped splitting was forcing a state of inaction on myself when I felt extremely about someone I would force myself to keep it to myself long enough to figure out if the feeling changes or not in time
I LOVE listening to Dr Ramani!! shes so elegant and well spoken, I hope to see more of her regarding mental illnesses!
She needs someone else to interview her
I think they wirk well together. Jada Pinket Smith interviewed her
Narcs split
check out her interview with LAHWF about narc, that's where I found her and love her but I been thinkin same thing about this guy since the first video I ever saw with him, fake af and no true interest in any of this. He's just there for a paycheck
This exactly happened to me with my therapist. My brain tends to stop listening at some points when i think something's not as it should go...and so i did with my therapist (which i admired before) and the end was that i thought he did something against me and i lost tust in an instant. But then something happened that never happened before: he talked to me and explained and i got back trust (that before was impossible for me). The Problem with that is that my brain still tries to fight against that and is looking for a way to lose trust into him...
My therapist actually mentioned borderline personality disorder to me the other day and we talked about my black and white thinking. It's almost relieving that I have a name for everything I'm going through just about every day! 😢
One of the problems I had dealing with an abusive parent as a child is how to reconcile the nice parent moments with the vicious parent moments when they are both one and the same person. Add guilt and shame on that and it is quite difficult. When you are three years old and existential fear is your normal routine stuff happens. Luckily the split was pretty much limited to one person. REBT was helpful in dealing with that issue because it teaches people not to see in absolutes. ACA/COA models do point out that people within alcoholic families see things usually in black and terms as a matter of course.
Sometimes the old trauma is drudged up when you're dealing with an aging/elderly/senile abusive BPD parent. It's very hard to cope when the parent lashes out at the adult child.
I just wanted to say thankyou for helping me not feel alone everything you said I related to so well, especially the existential fear ever since a child. Thank you so much for being strong to show others like myself it’s possible
@@lydiae5385 I am living this now; 35, moved to the other side of the world to spend last years with my aging father, 74, whom already lost his other son, my brother last year to suicide. Thinking that event changed him for the better and also chance to see his last son, well it hasnt. He did make a little effort but since here Ive be met with worse bpd than when he was in his 50s and we were younger. 3 weeks and Ive left already; he will die a sad, lonely man.
OMG He did it again!!!!!!!! He compared us with an animal,( A cat). GOD.
Humans are animals...
Meow 😉
Actually nothing wrong.
We often likened ourself to a cat or a dog.
"I'm a cat person" or "I'm a dog person".
Why are all BPDs so sensitive.
Anyway comparing the cat to a BPD is insulting the cat 🤣
It is just a quick example. Making a joke. This may be your splitting happening- seek help
I think it's to make himself comfortable and more understanding?
I definitely have seen splitting within myself, towards myself. I try to maintain that grey area towards other people at work and at home but it's hard. The second I am let down, my view of them changes completely and causes unnecessary drama.
Dr. Ramani "You are the best doctor I've had, you are a life saver, there is no greater doctor than you, no matter what mistakes you make, you will always be the best!"
Her clarity is astonishing. I never tire of this marvelous woman's videos, her knowledge, or complimenting her for either. My God.
It's so hard to handle my emotions love hate it kills me emotions are so strong I feel as if there's a demon in me to torment me an myfeelings an emotions this disease is so damn hard on me it tears me apart so badly I feel for anyone who has mental illness my heart goes out for you an ur stronger than ur illness this illness BPD is so hard an so intense an so strong on me I lived with these emotions an anger for all my life burns from lighters an cigarettes an scars from razors all over it's so sad to deal with this I cry a lot sad depressed happy angry all day every day meds don't seem to help I been in an out of spsyce units over this an suicide attempts just so hard an not knowing who you are will leave you so lost in this world 💔
Try cognitive behavior therapy and I'm praying for you🙏
Best description of splitting I've ever heard! Thank you so much!
I like this. I have had BPD since 14, along with Bipolar 2, generalized anxiety, ADHD, substance abuse disorder... it's a whole sh*t show. But it is wonderful to have doctos like her who understand and de-stigmatize this illness.
It's worth remembering if you are on the receiving end of an angry 'splitting' event that it's ignited by fear of abandonment or an attack on an already broken sense of identity. This causes the person with BPD to be hypervigilant or obsessively looking for perceived 'threats' to one of these two things. Not easy when you feel under attack yourself but is a massive mercy to be kind or gentle to a person in this state, it contradicts the trigger of insecurity.
I tried to talk(kind and gentle)to my friend, an undeclared Bpd, after an emotional abuse episode from her husband, never seen them like this before, traumatic to witness! Known them both for years.(him Cov narc undeclared). I still thought they were "normal" people. I told her, that he was trying to damage our friendship by abusing and shaming her in front of me. My guess! Exactly what he wanted, but I thought we could sort it out! Been quietly hostile to me for a while, quietly sabotaging. Paranoid, he didn't want us to continue as friends, just friends, but she could not see it. She split me immediately, called me mentally unwell (She, psych..therapist!!)and discarded me, permanently, complete with legal threat to leave her alone. I never knew abuse could be such a bonding emotion from the husband shared with her! Sequester these destructive muthas' behind high walls where they can't damage anyone else. "Avoid the mentally unwell" ( Prof. Sam Vaknin)Thanks Ramani!
I tried that, one year, and Im destroyed. Im broken inside. Shes just now realizing she probably has BPD, and I wish ALL luck, ALL success for her, but unfortunately I think we do try this "way", some of us do feel that it is a fear issue, and try to be non threatening. But if the person dont realize they are splittiong or being black and white, there is nothing you can do, its like punching ice. I know you know that but I legit almost died so Im just leaving this here: *It will take time, if progress is not clearly being made now and you are too hurt... leave... the patterns will still be there, at leas in the same relationship, and now you are hurt and will be feeding this fear more and more too.
And? Everyone has issues. Don't be in a relationship if you can't control your emotions (and yet people with BPD constantly seek out new relationships).
This is great. I watched this right now because I'm a caregiver to my elderly BPD mom who has just split me black in the last hour. Splitting can happen because of the most pettiest of reasons. It's very hard for me to anticipate what's going to set her off. So I just received a package at the door - a xmas present for her, in fact. But she rushed to the door to answer it and I said "it's for me!" She got mad, said "sorry" sarcastically and stormed off. She's been slamming doors and acting out since. I have to do my own splitting in response, remove myself, stay away from her, let her simmer down. I have to remind myself that I have done nothing wrong even though she makes me feel like a criminal for merely existing. We can be going along just fine, having a nice convo and if I so much as look at her funny then it's time to duck and cover. It's EXHAUSTING. Another trick I've learned is to change the subject to something positive right away. "Oh, wow, come here and look at this beautiful bird on the lawn!" Or "check out this hilarious cat video!" Living with her is a high-wire balancing act!
Hearing her say she needs to be the consistent caretaker and just hold her client while they split out of distrust of her...meant so much to me because it made me finally realize thats what i was missing and what i actually need.
I wish there was more discussion about splitting towards once self. It's very easy to deal with splitting with another person who understand and is willing to help me, but when I'm with myself going from "I'm a wonderful person" cause I had a good conversation with a friend to "I'm horrible and shouldn't be alive" cause I got a B+ in class - what the hell am I supposed to do with that?!
I have BPD and as I watch this channel more and more it's strangely helpful. To know that I'm not alone. My partner does walk on eggshells and the amount of jobs I've lost is completely insane. Somedays I can't control the shit I say.
Friday it was yelling at my bosses that I was sorry for having a vagina that bleeds for over a week once a month. I'm so scared everybody hates me and everyone is going to leave me. And when my therapist takes vacation that's incredibly hard on me as well.
You actually said the words "sorry for having a vagina that bleeds" at work?
@@lisalloyd7335 Yep. Two of my bosses are incredibly sexist (even though one is gay) and don't deserve my respect. They are both Satan come to life.
Their faces were priceless when I said that.
Well, I once sent my boss an email about having migraines during my time of the month and being absent from work. His secretary came out and told me that bordered on sexual harassment. I can't believe you used the word vagina. I'd fire you. Let that priceless look on their faces pay your rent.
@@lisalloyd7335 Good thing I don't give a fuck about a person hiding behind the keys of a message board.
Nobody said you had to. But you'll keep getting fired for your behavior. It's just a head's up. Take it or leave it. Stay in therapy!!
Having BPD and complex PTSD raised by a narcissistic BPD mother, I want it to be known that not everyone experiences that anger/black or white thinking. I know once initiated an argument nor express anger. I know this is a problem itself, but I am just trying to show that not everyone exhibits anger/outward rage/bad thinking toward others. The only bad thinking I have that is extreme is about myself.
I’m crying my eyes out here, WOW” THANK YOU FOR GETTING BPD AND SHARING..TYG
I have a really amazing therapist and she told me that she notices that when I split, I don't come to therapy. It's like I break up with everyone including her 😩😓 Sometimes I am strong enough to still go to therapy and work through the episode, and sometimes I don't. But it's a life long journey into healing
My ex of 15 years would split me regularly. Either side of the split could last hours, days, or even months. Our relationship was forced to an end due to a prolonged split, and in those last few months she also had paranoia and psychosis. Logically, and in "reality", I had done, and was doing nothing wrong, but I was despised by her. It's a very stressful thing if you don't understand it. Even when you understand, it's still hard to understand!
The healthiest thing I could do in the end, for my family, as well as myself was to call it a day and move out.
You dodged a bullet.
My ex had this too....I watched her suddenly push away other people in her life like her best friend, etc. I foolishly thought "she won't do that to ME, right?" Only after the breakup did I learn about BPD :O
My mom has BPD it was hell growing up and is still hell as an adult. She has isolated everyone so I feel obligated to help her in her older age. I am always "the bad guy" she has literally called me every name in the book and when she flips back, well it's no big deal.
Nichole Sayler my sympathies sincerely, but I assure you your mother was more miserable than she ever made anyone else.
My mom had it too and I took care of her until she died. I now have a mother-in-law with it and it’s the same abusive nightmare. I’m in therapy every week now and on meds to help with my panic attacks and depression. My husband doesn’t understand the trauma I’ve been through with my mother is relived every day of my life having to live with his mother.
You are very strong! Admire your strength. Huggs
@@fifinana1000 thank you.
@@annariley433 thank you.
Great discussion. Something I would add however is near the end when the Dr. was saying “If someone is experiencing splitting, they don’t have the insight because if they did they wouldn’t do it.” I find that actually pretty odd. Because I do that and I do see it but I don’t know how to cope with it or change it. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have insight into it.
Agreed. I do it too and I’m very aware of it.
She's amazing, I wish I had a therapist like that.
Awesome therapist
You are having an episode of splitting
@@nooshindeylami9294 lol
She has her good sides but I don't like her all that much. But things work differently for different people I guess.
@@gill426 what don't you like about her? She is a therapist in a difficult field and still willing to help people.
I think I have borderline personality disorder. It’s always black and white, I sometimes lash out and could be angry or I have intense anxiety for days. The way I view myself and others changes all the time. I’m always losing friends and fear abandonment deeply. It’s either the best day ever or the end of the world. A friend once described with the emotional maturity of a child while be very smart.
It's making me feel better to know you guys can relate yourselves to BPD, and it's nice to hear about this in a fair way.