Transitioning Later in Life | Part One: Getting to Your Answer
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- Опубліковано 20 тра 2024
- darahoffmanfox.com | Have you realized later in the life you are transgender but aren't sure whether or not you should transition? In this video I share the first step you can take to begin to answer this question for yourself.
Part Two: • Transitioning Later in...
54 years old, 1 year 2 months on testosterone, I feel awesome, and I hope to have top surgery.
I’m 63 and I was wanting to transition 6 years ago. I was told no you don’t want to. At a much younger age I had no one to help me. Now 4 doctors later doing it and I can not be any happier. I’ve been into it for six months now. I want everyone to know and with the help of a friend that I love so much everyone will. Thank you for your videos they are so well made 💕
I’m 26 and I thought this was applying to me but I see it is beyond my age. I really hope your age doesn’t scare you from transitioning. I wish everyone the best! Much love and hugs!
@Other Blue Basement Same, always known tho. Have you transitionet? I see you like bjj. Me too.
I'm 76 just started Hrt 2months ago. If I knew how this little step would change my outlook on life, I would have started years ago. Life is brighter now.
Well thank you Sweetie. Now i don't feel so bad. But a good friend of mine just turned 69 and stared last year.
For me at 47, one year of HRT. I lost some friends and family. Yet I don't live a lie anymore. Thats freedom to my heart. Thank you for your videos.
T.G. I'm sorry you have lost some friends and family on your journey of transitioning . Being honest and happy with yourself is so important. I wish you all the happiness in your new life. Stevie.
How scary is it, for real?
I know the feeling!
I started transition a few years before I turned 50. I had a bunch of kids, divorced from an abusive partner, with a very transfobic and loudspoken parent, with a career (well... anyway), in a small conservative town where I know almost everyone, where I previously had tried and failed to transition in my youth. In short: I had almost everything against me.
Yet it turned out so much better than I ever had imagined. I still have all the things above mentioned (including the transfobic parent), and I haven't lost anything. Instead I gained a whole lot of things I didn't have before, like new friends, a social life, respect (yes), and above all: I. Gained. My. Life.
What would it all be worth if I had endured all the time between my birth till the end of my days (it couldn't be called "life") without ever living as myself? It would be a true waste of time.
What I want to say is: just because you have something in your life now, and you are afraid of loosing it, it doesn't mean you necessarily are going to loose it because you transition. Yoy may keep things that are valuable to you, and they might even turn out better than you imagine.
Hello Mattias Kallin! I'm near 30 now (2019) and I still imagine that I will lose almost everything that is very precious in my life (my wife, my family, my friends, my favourite job - my only way to earn money) if I decide to have transition. I'm scared that I will have a worse life than my life now (at now I feel terrible only with my body/myself/my gender. My relationships or financial condition are acceptable...).
So... I need your advice, what did you think when you decided to start your transition?
Please call me "Duy", and please excuse my bad English (I used google to type all this)... Thank you.
This is Jennifer Sinclair. Although I am not transgender, I am 54 yrs old and am having top surgery in December and I will be so RELIEVED. I am so excited.
i started hormone when i was 37 and i have been on them for a year now. i would have done it alot sooner if i didnt have so many things get in the way of it. i was also afraid of the negative stuff i heard about hormones. i always felt like a guy and never a girl. i also didnt want to make my mom upset. everytime she mentioned it she would get tears in her eyes. she ended up passing away and i eventually thought i cant upset her now she is not here. i was never married or ever had kids. so my phyciatrist found a hormone dr. that was not to far away and i went to him. i dont regret taking hormones. now i like the way i look. before T i was picking apart my looks and now im not. i realize now that i was doing that without thinking i looked to female kind of blocking that out. i know that was keeping me from being depressed at the thought. so i would just think im ugly. anyway i like the way i look now i look 100% male.
I'm in my forties and questioning my gender identity. It's refreshing to see vlogs by an intelligent middle aged person, not just someone whom is young. The terms non binary, gender fluid, etc, are new to me, so I'm trying to get my head around what they all mean. I'm only at the beginning of my journey of gender discovery, and I don't really know where to go. For all my life I've understood that you are ether male or female, defined by genitalia, or transitioning from one to permanently become the other, so it's all a big learning curve for me. I am confused about myself n don't know where I am on the spectrum, nor if I am on the spectrum at all, but I'm really liking your vlogs.
I was concerned about transitioning after puberty has finished, yet seeing people older then 20 being able to transition makes my mind be at ease. thank you for this video!
:)
Hey Sara , I'm a MTF who has begun to transition into my female self and I also am up in age 56 yrs old and yes the price to be your true self is usually a high price to pay the loss of my wife, my two Boys (24,17) yrs of age, job but I couldn't be myself , yes my wife knew the 24 yrs we were married but wouldn't talk about this when I would try to over the years! there is A BIG SADNESS, BUT my mental health is good idon' t think of suicide anymore! and the pure joy I feel getting dressed as a woman EVERY DAY IS SO FANTASTIC I FEEL SO GOOD! HOPEFULLY MY SON'S WILL REALIZE AND WANT TO BE IN CONTACT WITH ME BUT IF NOT THEN SO BE IT .YES THE DECISIONS are hard but at any age if you're trans and happen to be married with children that is the difficult choice. but YES one must weigh the pros and cons. love ya since I found your channel!!
I am with you right there my friend. I am 62 years Young and have been transitioning for the last two years. I do have 3 boys all in the thirties and they have basically not have had much to do with me. I have my youngest son who totally hates my guts. yes the decisions we make are very difficult. but my attitude has been I have been living a lie for most of my life, and that I have a least another 20 to 25 years of life why can't I live those years for me and for the way I want too. God bless you and may your life be filled with joy and happiness the way you want it to be.
I am 61 and want to transition. I don't know how much dysphoria I have but I am just tired to repressing my true self. I don't know if would be passable; is it possible after 60>
I started transitioning medically at age 53. (Ftm). I would never want to go back and only wish I started 11 years ago when I first considered it. I have lost relationships with most of my birth family, well all of them. What I still have is my wife, my kids and grandkids, work and a few friends. The losses outweigh the internal gains. Not all days are good, still have dysphoria and insecurities as I transition, but all in all, how.much better I feel is completely amazing. I am dealing a bit with some grief of what I missed by not transitioning earlier. Anyhow I hope to have another 20 to 50 years in this new improved life!
Jayme Lynn McIntyre I'm not married or have kids, but your choice was almost exactly like mine. I loved when I came out at 47, not suicidal anymore, love thongs and make-up.
I really admire your courage, all of you!
I am lucky that, while 36, I have few people to worry about accepting me. It will take some time before I can consider HRT as I am going to be providing sperm to a lesbian couple. Being an only child, it is important for me to pass on my genes however I can.
Recent questioning brought up the struggle I dealt with as a teen, when I consciously questioned my gender identity for 3 years.
I spent 14 years with a woman, trying to have a family and also had several serious relationships with men over the years. Nothing ever really fit. Being pansexual definitely complicated the process of self-discovery, along with a healthy dose of internalized transphobia. While I knew what it meant to be transgender from an early age, I lived in a place where I would have had zero acceptance until 25 or so.
I witnessed the coming out of a trans woman in her late 50s or early 60s while working as an aircraft mechanic. That was 12 years ago. She was completely shunned by a good 70% or so of the predominantly male staff of the facility where I worked. Only 4 people, including myself were ever truly friendly with her.
I think people have changed since then but sadly, not enough. My own situation is complicated, primarily, by my height of nearly 6.5 ft.
Still, as one who has met a women's college basketball team, I know that is less rare probably than being transgender.
I'm 32 and I've just started my transition. It's already a very difficult thing for me at this age, so it much be so tough for an older person.
I have nothing but respect for a person in that age range that has the courage to make this change. You are stronger than I can ever imagine, coming from your generation and the mindsets behind being trans it must be so tough.
The fact that you lasted as long as you did with crippling gender dysphoria shows how strong you guys are and I hope that you can now become happy and the person that you deserve to be.
Hi Sara,
I started my transition in my very late 50s . Saddest part was loss of my wife but excellent support from my children and friends. I made so many new friends. I am so much better as a person. HRT was soooo beneficial . There are big negatives but so many positives. I can't go back it would kill me.
I’m happy and isn’t that what life is about. I’ve waited forever for this and now it’s happening. I love me! 💕
Thank you so much for this video. I am 66 and just beginning my transition. I started seeing a gender therapist 2 months ago, also attending a weekly support group and 3 weeks ago started HRT. Love all your videos and your book. Your compassion and kindness comes through so clearly and is very much appreciated. Very much looking forward to Part 2 of this video.
Wow I had been worried being 27 that it wouldn't be worth the heartache of possibly losing my family and most of my friends (what's left after coming out with my orientation..) this video and the people commenting really helps
29 years old here, at the time of writing this comment. Just getting started on my journey, understanding myself, figuring out whether I'm trans or not, and boy is it encouraging to know that there's never a 'wrong' time to transition. Much love to everybody watching this.
Hello everyone that reads this . I am over 60 (born male) I have grown up being adopted by a couple that were childless . My adoptive mother had grown up children already with one with them invalid . My adoptive father gave me girls toys , mother gave me, boys toys , father died when I was 8 . So for the rest of my life growing up as a confused boy . I related to girls as I grew up, not boys but not sexually attracted to boys . I have had the joy of living virtually as a woman in a online virtual world for the past 5 years . lately ,thinking about possibility of commencing a real life transition to the real inner me . Your videos are encouraging , thank you .
Ty for posting this video. What you describe is exactly where I am at. Im 43 and I've come out to my to my wife and now I'm trying to figure out to what extent this is going to affect my life. I find myself scared to really plumb the depths of this and as a result I'm just hurting myself and my family because I withdraw and live almost entirely within my head. I discovered your videos today and it is making me confront these feelings. I realize that I can't hide from these feelings anymore, and your videos provide guidance on the possibilities. It has shown me that to break things down so it isn't so overwhelming. Once again ty. Maybe I can finally find some inner peace using some of the techniques that you describe.
Thanks for the advice!
I think you captured my experience pretty well. Doing one thing at a time to help yourself feel better is the process I follow, with my therapist's help of course. No big decisions....only small steps and I consult my therapist before taking each one, so that it is well thought out and deliberate, even if I have to call her between sessions. I have been transitioning for about 16 months or so. While I have made loads of progress, sometimes I really hate being in the middle, but sometimes I really enjoy the journey too. It's all very confusing at times; I have to remind myself when the doubts come how I got to where I am. I know I would probably lose my way, without my therapist's guidance....keeping me from doing anything really stupid! I am looking forward to the day that I can honestly say, I am done with transition.
Thanks again!
Dara. Thank you so much for this video. After 12 years in counselling it was my wife’s decision to ask for a divorce which finally helped me transition. She saw that I needed to transition and I tried so hard to cling on to my marriage as non binary. But it wasn’t my truth. Finally completing my surgeries and socially transitioning at 62 has been a revelation. No regrets just feeling so blessed to finally come home to Self.
Honestly , I have seen five or six of your videos , so far, you may well have the most useful videos of all that are on UA-cam.
Nice work.
Winks
Lisa
I'm 31 and I've finally been unable to hide it anymore. I want to do it asap so I can live the last half of my life happy.
Your candid honesty is refreshing! Your pretty damned awesome! Thank you so much
hi Dara, thank you so much for doing this video I am 57 years old and am a transgender woman. I have asked myself and been wrestling with everything you covered in this video. everything you say is spot-on accurate. Please continue you're so helpful thank you thank you thank you, Amanda
Thank you SO SO much for talking about this. This was very insightful and applicable to my situation!!
thank you! I'm older m2f and contemplating these things. God bless!
Breaking up exploration to the different components, allowing for easier evaluation of the components of ones life, is a nice insight. Because large units of material can be difficult to evaluate, then going after the larger units is much like chewing food before swallowing it.
Very happy to see a new video ! And this one is very needed.
56 here. On HRT for 16 years now. It's tough because for me I was waiting for my children to grow up. Now they're grown, I'm divorced & I'm finally working out the logistics of socially transitioning. It's sad to say that the only thing that has given me hope throughout my life was the prospect of transitioning. I love my kids of course but my children are not my hope with regards alleviating my dysphoria. They can't. As anyone who is trans understands dysphoria NEVER goes away. Sometimes it's manageable other times I just want to run down the road screaming at the top of my lungs. So as my grown children embark on their own lives, so too now after putting it off for decades am I finally doing the same.
Hi Dara ! Always glad to hear from you.
Thanks a lot ...your voice your words your speech, proves that you know how to guide, to inspirate and finally to really help people with such dillemas!
I'm 44 and starting my transition this April. I have friends who have transitioned that I talk to it helps
I was 61 when I sat down and had a heart to heart discussion with my doctor. She diagnosed gender dysphoria, as well as cPTSD. It made my life very confusing. My doctor referred me to a psychiatrist, who is an expert in gender identity. I started living as female and hormone therapy. My baseline hormone levels were in the female range which supported the rationale for the diagnoses. I was sterile, having no partner or children, so it was easy to decide my course of action. I am now post-op, having surgery in 2020, and have reduced considerably the angst that I had been carrying around for years. Suicide attempts, thankfully unsuccessful, were eliminated from my thoughts and now I can concentrate on reducing the effects of childhood trauma. It has been suggested that a good portion of my childhood abuse possibly stemmed by my mother’s inability to deal with my feminine traits.
Thank you very relieving and encouraging.
Thank you Dara for such awesome videos 💕
31 and wishing it didn't take me so long to actually think about this seriously. I know I'm not old per day but it definitely feels like it'd be easier in my 20s you know. Everyone knows me as the person I've built over the years. To just do a 180 idk how people will react. I've only talked to one friend I trust. Other than that no one even knows I'm considering this change in my life. It all seems so hard. I've done a lot reflection and feel like this is something I want. I'm scared and don't really know where and how to start the process. I'm so lost. but I guess nothing in life is easy.
Hi Sara, I’m 57 now and so happy I came across your channel!
At last, am discovering the REAL me. Married for many years with two wonderful children in their mid - twenties. I have to leave home within a week’s time, and still need to tell me what’s a’happening 😬.
Also needing to find accommodation quickly!
Any gender therapists you can recommend in South Africa?
Thanks for a great video 😁, Petra, Brigitte x
I just started and I am 65. I text two other women who are in there 60's. Plus I do work with a therapist. Also My Doctor. Plus I start HRT in another month. I already lost marriage. My Daughter says she is okay with it. My son isn't (his problem) and the soon to be ex is not only Okay with it but has been very supportive and helping teach me how to be a woman. I've known since I was 15 that I want to be a woman. But back in those days it was dangerous to be trans or Gay for that matter. So I am committed to seeing this through. And here's a good one. I am also Bipolar, which has to be controlled before I start HRT. and we have achieved the first goal.
How do you know that you were always a woman when your ex needs to teach you how to be a woman? That makes no sense. Or is it that you just simply wanted to be a woman but acknowledge that you are really a man who just wants to be a woman.
It's quite simple, if you will notice even women as they grow up have to be taught how to act, dress and behave like a woman. I had to grow up and act like a boy, because when I didn't I had to put up with people like yourself who ridicule and torment people like myself who do not conform to your idea of who I have to be. Aside from to beatings I had to endure from my father for me insisting that I was a girl. Beatings that went on for years. And still to this day I know that I am female. And think and analyze before making and asking such stupid questions.😮 @violetstameski664
I've suffered through so much depression in my life yet none of it has ever had anything to do with my outward appearance. It seem strange to me that so many people are so worked up about their perceived gender and the outward expression of it. Most, if not all, of my depression comes out in severe self hatred in general. Mostly because of life failure and severe social anxiety. I guess what i'm saying is, even though it is strange to me, I do hope everyone gets what they want out of their lives in the end and that you get to dress and behave the way you want regardless of the cultural norms.
Thank you. You are so helpful.
😀
At 27 I lost every "friend" which scared me to de transition. I regret this happened. I'm now 44 and now are happier transitioning again. Only regret was the fear from before
Thank you Dara...
Am 55 M to F Transgender living in UK . Haven't started HRT yet due to long wait to be seen by specialist . Am really happy within myself about being female but having second thoughts as i didn't realize just how hard it is . I can't live as a man as I am so unhappy in that role, i took overdose and ended up in hospital whilst trying to live as a man, however it is how the world sees me. Changing gender and trying to settle in to society as a woman is going to be so hard and full of negative attitude from people I sometimes think it's better to put up with the miserableness of being a man just to be accepted .
Hi Dara,
You definetly touched on the key to answer the question of whether to transition later in life.
1. get a good reputable gender therapist. Somebody unbiased yet knowledgeable.
Weigh out how miserable you are with your birth sex/gender.
And I came across a marvelous therapy that helps alot with answering all the many things we trans people go thtough. Its called Dialectical behavior therapy. It doesnt pertain to transgender issues per se but helps ny offer methods by which to think them through.
hope this helps
Good idea, and glad it helped you and perhaps others who read your comment. :)
I'm 54 and started t this week... was on the path 10 years ago when life got derailed... wish I started then but every thing happens for a reason
Hello, it would really be very nice if you could translate this video into Spanish, at least with subtitles, since I found it very enriching what little I could understand and I think it would be very useful to many Spanish speakers who are passing the situation you are talking about. the video. Many thanks for sharing this. Kisses
thank you so much.
I am a 52 year old MTF transgender about to go into transgender therapy. They asked me if I suffered from Depression or Anxiety or Hopelessness or if I wanted to hurt myself or others. I said NO to all of them but I'm afraid I might be disqualified because I don't suffer from depression or anxiety.
But I do feel depressed Hopeless and anxious at times because of my dysphoria. Do you think by answering NO it might disqualify me suffering from Transgender Dysphoria?
Deeply appreciated. Deeply!! at 70 years old...I am grateful for your sage advice. And, i don't want to scare anyone but I just want to add my 'girl inside' into my life. Thank you..ever so much. love and deep regards. "JW"
I'm a month on all natural transitioning. Do alot of ftm go threw natural?
Thank you
Thank you so much for presenting this...I am 59...and am definitely gender expansive/fluid...and spending lots of time moving in that direction...opening...getting out....it is confusing...but being able finally...to be who I am inside...by steps gradually...piercing my ears this year...perhaps laser hair removal the following year....then hormones the following? contemplate SRS year 4/5???? if that is right. so hard to find a gender therapist but when my wife is gone...Alzheimer's year 12...I will have more time...yeah lots of time to consider this...Gosh...such good advice....wow...therapist....if There were someone as knowledgeable and experienced as you....thanks...my sons know...our sitter...one of my wife's nieces...a sister...some others....conditions now are right to allow me to be more open and it is wonderful.
again, your the best :)
I started transitioning with estrogens at the ripe age of 69 but I had no choice: my mind was not functioning well. My psychotherapist said I was unstable. I had no friends to lose so this was not a factor. I wish I had started decades sooner but born into the Baby Boom Era, trans consciousness was about a big zero. I did start electrolysis for facial hair removal as early as 1987 but I did not put 2 + 2 together to make 4. I wish I had started a lot sooner. Fortunately for me I look rather pretty anyway although my deep voice would get me literally into trouble. It clashed with my feminine appearance. My speaking voice is still very low today but I sing which is appreciated. Transitioning for me means also transitioning to an older age. Much decision-making I have had to make along the way to effectively cope with my now senior years such as memory loss, insomnia, arthritis, osteopenia, bronchiectasis, interstitial cystitis and another woman's problem, hyperhidrosis! At the same time though my woman's personality seems to be developing, I have become coquettish and flirtatious but also with an incredibly strong desire to connect with others although I have no love life. Fate has it that I am becoming a performance dancer despite all of my aging symptoms! One says that I have a lot of energy left. I dunno.
Hi, I have been seeing my therapist for more than 2 years and I just started to talk about my gender identity. As far I know, I consider myself as gender fluid and my therapist told me that there were not many therapist that does gender identity evaluation that she is one of the 3 in my city. I've been thinking about top surgery for a long time and she told me that she is willing to talk about that and to help me to get one if this is what I really want. All she is waiting for is me to engage the conversation about this. However I am very uncomfortable about talking about this subject just like I am uncomfortable saying I had suicidal thought regularly. Do you have any idea to break the ice or something?
I would like to start back on HRT at 60 yrs old.... I did take HRT back when I was in my early 20's, I have been feeling more female then male okay
I live in St Catharines, ONT Canada PLEASE Let me know.............. Plus I've been Depressed and I have been crying because of it.....
I wish that I made this transition at least 10 years ago but I was not aware of this transitioning was possible then it is easy for young 20 ish but over 50 it is a different story but I did it anyway ,the only danger I see is that hormonal therapy can bring blood clots as we get older ,that has to monitor seriouly so ....
Iam almost 50 and have my first appointment with the gender clinic in January 2019 after a 1 year wait, I have never married I have no children but a lot of nieces and nephews , I have told my brother and he is relatively accepting , but I don’t know how to tell my older generation father, as my closest confidants was my mum and she passed from breast cancer almost 21 years ago, on top of this I have struggles with cerebral palsy that I have overcome to the best of my ability
60 and just starting :)
i'm 17 and I already feel old, it's unfair that you need to be 18 before you can take hrt without parent consent since high school is a unique experience that is not seen anywhere else in life such as prom, homecoming, taking classes, meeting friends and hanging out after class, rallies, etc. even college cant make up for most of that. to think that I would have never attended high school as a girl breaks my heart and honestly makes me want to kill myself. I know i'm being melodramatic and whiny and stuff but I cant help feeling this way, especially when I see people like jazz Jennings get to life the high school life as a girl it makes me so jealous, and the fact that I look like a masculine freak certainly does not help..
I'm 56 and I'm having the conversation again with my husband. I'm ready for top surgery, no T.
I'm a sixty-two-year-old male-to-female transgender person and I am going to be transitioning as of February 27th of 2022. one thing that I am going to be losing is my siblings they don't want understand they don't even want to talk about it or see me is female so I guess that's one of the things I am going to be losing here pretty soon.
Im almost 40 and so lost right now :( i know im trans but the consequences of coming out are super scary
Cool video and u look very nice in this video
Aw, thanks :)
❤❤❤❤
I'm a 19 yr old trans guy, I have so much respect for people who transition later on just because their generation is so different to mine, I feel like my generation are much more accepting and we grew up with slightly more freedom (still wasn't allowed to cut my hair until I was 18 though, came out then too but I was allowed to wear some 'boys' clothes as a kid). But yeah people who transition later on in life, you have my respect (apart from that one kardashian woman because she sucks lol)
I’m 38 but I feel more like a Kameron and Not a Karen. When I was small I was protective and when I got older I peed standing up and i am trying to loose weight I want my boobs smaller and I wear all men’s clothes. I have men’s sexual desires and I am always told when I was small I wore girl clothes and I was perky and hugged people. I thought maybe I’m just a really butch lesbian but I don’t know. I remember when I was 9 I wanted to start wearing flannels and when I was younger and played house I wanted to be the husband and I put kens clothes on barbies. I am so confused, can you plz help me understand?
I am 62 just transgendred a week ago Legal name Tommy new Esmirelda found gender health center
Hi Tommy ,how can I get a doctor to get me started on T?. I'm almost 60.
your welcome im james
Dara, How old is your oldest transgender client?
I have several in their 60's.
i am transgender -- and it bugs me how everyone always focuses on "transition". we don't need to use that word or that concept. I didn't "transition" -- i just became more myself through using testosterone and changing my name and some of my appearance. "transition" reinforces the binary, and it's the binary that hurts gender non-conforming people. the world has to transition, not us.
Transition just means change. Change from state A to state B. It doesn't refer to a change of gender identity but to a change of gender expression or role. State A and State B don't have to be at the opposite ends of the spectrum. They can both be somewhere in between.
Ok. But if are you alone with by yourself? If you have no one can you talk with ???? If you shy, ........ and nobody doesn't interest to hear you.
46 and just starting. stressed. :-s
Hey I'm 54 and just starting! I need to learn some patience 🤣
I cry daily how much I want to feel like a woman I'm Hispanic 63 years n on estradiol,male blocker for 6 weeks. Im to excited just how i feel small things r changing like cheeks inside mouth feeling real small n breast small growth but cry like a little girl. Talking to myself l want to be a girl hope I'll change n look like a woman. I was thrown to trash when I was born n growing up was rape over n over for to many years n whip with extension cord n others things. To much abuse happen to me growing up n I didn't have nobody to run to now to many tears n can't see texting I want my god to help me. This is why now I want transition have daughter,son, grand kids still crying I'm in torment in other words I was rape daily like if I was a girl n this why now I know I want this no if r buts crying n I have therapist in va hospital
I don't think transitioning is the solution to your problem.
I am not minimising your suffering and your real pain.
It sounds so deep and serious.
You seem to have CPTSD (= Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.)
Perhaps one of your parents (or primary care taker ) (or both ) was a narcissist, a covert narcissist or a malignant narcissist or a psychopath.
This kind of people can do a lot of harm and steal your identity.
They are not conscious of the harm they are doing (at least not completely conscious ).
It is not completely intentional but the consequences are terrible.
You seem to have met a lot of toxic people.
Maybe your mum felt safer with a "castrated " boy, with a "girl" because her husband or her own father were toxic men.
She was fed up with toxic masculinity.
Masculinity is not always toxic though.
It seems to me that you have been sacrificed on the altar of your mum.
I may be wrong. I just wonder what has happened to you.
I think you need a trauma therapist maybe specialised in narcissism.
You need to be surrounded by "normal " people.
You need safety, respect and freedom.
Maybe group therapy (but not focused on gender) would be good for you too but not now.
You need to feel a little better first.
You are suffering from depression and anxiety.
Watch free meditations on UA-cam. There are free meditations on trauma too.
Transitioning can seem like a solution at first but very often it ends up being a new trauma because "the cure" is pretty barbaric and traumatic (hormones : harmful / surgeries : barbaric, invasive, high risk.)
You can definately change without transitioning.
It is just my opinion.
No matter what you do, don't rush because it is hard to make good decisions while feeling depressive.
Take care.
I like you
If you want to transition do it. Better to have five years as the real you instead of living a lie.
You talk a lot and say nothing but when you do it's terrible advice. I cannot imagine the damage you have done over the years