Who Am I? Understanding Identity Struggles with BPD
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- Опубліковано 6 лют 2025
- You can manage and overcome this. I have created a worksheet to help you: www.drdfox.com...
If you have borderline personality disorder (BPD), you might feel like you don’t really know who you are. One day, you have clear goals, and the next, everything changes. You may feel like your opinions, plans, or even your friendships shift all the time. This is called identity disturbance, and it’s a common experience for people with BPD.
In this video, we’ll talk about why this happens and what it feels like, such as:
Struggling to figure out what you believe or value
Changing your career or life plans often
Feeling like your friendships or relationships are tied to how you see yourself
This can feel confusing and exhausting, like you’re always chasing something but never quite getting there.
But there’s good news-you can work toward understanding yourself better. We’ll share simple ways to:
Discover what matters most to you
Find goals that fit who you are
Build a stronger, more steady sense of self
If this sounds like something you’re going through, this video is for you. Let’s explore how to feel more grounded and confident in who you are.
Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award-winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 20 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.
He has published several articles and books in these areas and is the author of:
BPD Guided Journal: Journal: Your Space to Release Intense Emotions, Nurture Self-Compassion, and Take Charge of Borderline Personality Disorder. Available at: shorturl.at/Ta5Dj
The BPD Card Deck: 50 Ways to Balance Emotions and Live Well with Borderline Personality Disorder. Available at: www.shorturl.at/jBHJV
Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:
rb.gy/hdyqyy
Antisocial, Narcissistic, and Borderline Personality Disorders: A New Conceptualization of Development, Reinforcement, Expression, and Treatment. Available at: tinyurl.com/2a...
The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook: An Integrative Program to Understand and Manage Your BPD. Available at: goo.gl/LQEgy1
Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic and Histrionic Workbook: Treatment Strategies for Cluster B Personality Disorders (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Gold Award Winner): goo.gl/BLRkFy
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Toolbox: 55 Practical Treatment Techniques for Clients, Their Parents & Their Children (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Silver Award Winner):: goo.gl/sZYhym
Dr. Fox has given numerous workshops and seminars on ethics and personality disorders, personality disorders and crime, treatment solutions for treating clients along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum, emotional intelligence, managing mental health within the prison system, and others. Dr. Fox maintains a website of various treatment interventions focused on working with and attenuating the symptomatology related to individuals along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum (www.drdfox.com).
UA-cam: / @drdanielfox
Dr. Fox’s website: www.drdfox.com/
Dr. Fox’s Blog: www.psychology...
Facebook: / appliedpsychservices
Twitter: / drdanieljfox1
LinkedIn: / drdfox
Instagram: / drdfox
Amazon Author’s Page: amazon.com/author/drfox
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Citation:
Dammann G, Hügli C, Selinger J, Gremaud-Heitz D, Sollberger D, Wiesbeck GA, Küchenhoff J, Walter M. (2011). The self-image in borderline personality disorder: an in-depth qualitative research study. Journal of Personality Disorders, 517-527. doi: 10.1521/pedi.2011.25.4.517. hope and borderline personality dr fox personality daniel fox personality disorders dissociation
Oh my gosh being such a nice person with very good values but on the inside feeling empty and alone!! And angry at myself and others!
Just saw this. I'm with you. Completely understand!
Feel this.
Bethany how you feel today?
Exactly how I feel
Felt this hard
I feel SOOOOO frustrated and angry when ppl say "everyone has a talent and hobbies and stuff that they like, what do you like?" I honestly don't!.... and I don't fucking know what I want, I don't really want anything or like anything. I mostly value, privacy and a quiet stress free environment I feel stress at the slightest thing and I get anxious and then can't cope and get angry and crying because I can't cope with the stress I feel
I suppose you are young but we have to chose some line of work best we can. Work by it's very nature is something you have to pay people to do. It might be a matter of chosing to do what you find least unpleasant and steel yourself to it. Hope that helps a tiny bit.
This is me too. I got so depressed because I envy people that know their goals and careers and I'm sitting there waiting to get one day and say "hey I want to be a doctor" or whatever...
I get it... I have no interests, nothing excites or interests me. I hate it when the professionals ask me that, because I feel I have to come up with something to say to satisfy them.... but I am honest and say NOTHING I have NO interests, NOTHING excites me. PERIOD. I think DR.FOX would be the only one who would understand me. Wish I lived in TEXAS to get treatment with him.
@@mamas3cubs I live in texas and he is not taking new patients 💔
@@kimberlybee2099 thank you for info. He probably has such a large case load, understandable, to give everyone the time needed he'd have no life outside of this. The video's and workbook help a lot for those who are not able to work with him 1 on 1. The best to you.
It's so validating to have a professional take the time to share worksheets & go through it with us. The positive & understanding language you use is extremely motivating, thank you. 🙏
you mean SELL worksheets?
@@channalmath8628 no, SHARE. If you click the link, all the worksheets are there to print off for free. I just got a few myself.
@@sophiefourchalk3564 thank you. i don't know what was wrong earlier (probably me)
Hi if anyone is reading this comment then I will be very grateful ? People with BPD lack self respect , so how do they build self respect, does self-validation skill in DBT build self respect? Please reply. Thanks.
@@stevemarino2766 hey steve ❤🙏 sorry for the late reply im just seeing this now. Hoping you are well & that youve found some answers & support since then. Self validation is a very good step!
I found self respect has increased as i used any/all of the DBT skills & started making healthier choices in general, though its not like an easy A. No self respect -> to -> B. Having self respect process, theres ups & downs as we grow & make mistakes. 🙏
It’s weird how I’ve always felt different from other people , yet I thought feelings like this (identity disturbance) were normal and that most people felt like this constantly .
me too. recently got diagnosed
Me three.
Me four!
Me to the fifth degree. I keep having to remind myself that not everyone has the same mentality. Makes me feel even more alone cause even if I did tell someone they probably wouldn't understand.
Hi if anyone is reading this comment then I will be very grateful ? People with BPD lack self respect , so how do they build self respect, does self-validation skill in DBT build self respect? Please reply. Thanks. 🎉
Not even 2 minutes in and I've had to restart it 4 times because I keep dissociating and now I'm crying because he's almost quite literally describing my life.
I was scrolling through the comments thinking AM I THE ONLY ONE CRYING? 🙈
I had the same reaction...
I think this might be the most painful part for me and the most difficult for others to understand. Even at 45, I still process as a teen might. It’s embarrassing for me but irritating for others and that hurts. Thank you for bringing the compassion and understanding you always do to your videos.
Jamie Brower I can ditto everything you said. I feel the same way.
Nomadic Crier, who are you and what effect does anything about me have on you?
Nomadic Crier You are a hurtful, uncompassionate jerk. Your useless comments don't belong here.
You are not alone my friend. Hugs and love
and it is so hard to describe the lacking of self image, I can't explain it to someone, but I experience it always
For me identity disturbance doesn't come off as a lack of knowledge about oneself which kinda complicates matters even more for me because on the surface there is not a lot of disconnection and it really isn't there but the moment i listen to somebody online or an in person conversation with another person on a topic, i subconsciously shift to their perspective or vision. Its like i start questioning my values to the point of an existential crisis. Its a sense of deep withdrawal from everybody after that and despair that slowly creeps in. Its just a nasty feeling of going nowhere, trying to hold on but knowing that the waves are drawing you in.
I don't consider this to be a problem at all I feel like it allows me to sink into their viewpoint and determine whether or not it's based on emotion or a dogma or outright wrong, I do often have shaky foundations on my own beliefs from self consciousness
@georgerockwell6124 Thank you for reading, however you misunderstood my point there. This process is not conscious for me meaning I cannot start or hault it on my own and once it gets kick started there are a bunch of defenses that follow culminating into a full BPD episode all stacked up by the psyche in an effort to keep the real self further away from ever manifesting into consciousness. Hope this adds to your understanding.
As for what you are saying, it is a conscious deliberate reasoning. I become incapable of that once the Defenses kick in and my reality gets driddled with cognitive distortions in no time. That is what I was referring to in the initial comment. So this is very well a problem for me, rethink your considerations before responding. It can come across as invalidating.
@LurkingLinnet oh yeah I'm still a blunt person just with bpd and I'm influenced by a person with very heavy narcissistic tendencies mb
@@georgerockwell6124 Love and healing to us
Yes, I feel and act like an 18 year old. It's so strange and surreal seeing old school friends and family ageing because mentally I don't think I'm ageing at all...although obviously I am. It's a sad disorder that few understand.
I feel you im 38 but feel like 16 why
You look like 18 too. Wow
Its tough to be sympathetic dealing with people who have a high school mentality and are mean as phuck to boot. No offense.
Judy Lee that was mean
@@michaelr1577 Far from it. That was HONEST. Hiding the truth is MEAN to the ones who don't know. Telling the truth is called PROTECTING people. There's a difference. Learn it.
Wow. That was painfully spot on. In 6th to 8th grade I went from unidentifiable to goth to hanging out with gangsters. I look back at that and it gets me emotional. But as the years went on, I dropped all that and just became the victim of an abusive addicted boyfriend....sad. 37 and STILL have no clue who the hell I am or what I'm doing
This is where I come when having a mental breakdown, reminds me that I'm not alone
I went to therapy for 6 years and never got close to understanding myself or my BPD. Your videos are amazing and very well articulated for anyone to understand.
Thank you!
Your breakdown of unstable self image is so spot on. As a kid I never understood y my interests, friends, likes/dislikes, etc changed so drastically so much. I just know I never felt completely 100% in one group or category or group of friends. I never felt like this is 100% who I am, I always felt like a part of my identity was missing if I tried to stabilize it. So eventually I adopted this idea that I was everything. I couldn’t figure out where exactly I fell on the spectrum while everyone else was sure of where they were and never wavered. Which actually was and in many ways still very weird to me. Like how are u ONE way, ONE person ALL the time? How are you ONLY interested in THAT? So I just figured I was too complex to fit in any one group or category (which actually due to the bpd is very spot on lol). So I lived most of my adult life just figuring I was multidimensional and adopted that as my identity, not realizing it was a symptom of the bpd.
Thing is, now that I know it’s due to the bpd, where does that leave my identity? Because I have very genuine but opposing and differing beliefs, personalities, interests, types of friends, etc at any given time. I kinda just gave into the unstable self image and let whoever I felt like being at the time be. Is the fact that I found some sort of comfort and stability in my unstable identity an issue? Do I have to undo that now? Or is it healthy and ok to have found an identity through my lack of having one?
Did this question ever get answered? I would really like to know. And btw you described me exactly! I never actually put into words though. Amazing
Exactly how I feel with my bpd :(
I’m not a professional but I think embracing it is great! Do what makes you happy and feels authentic. If it’s not getting in your way, there’s no real reason to change it 😊
Yeah, in my case i adopt and accept as my identity the chamaleonic personality, cuz before i used to lose a lot of time wondering who i am and other existentialism stuff
I know they dont like diagnosing teenagers and kids with this but I always had it. It would have been so helpful to know as a kid
I just told my friend who I'm getting close to that I have BPD. His reaction was so incredibly kind and understanding, I feel so happy, I won't live in shame and fear with this. We don't have to hide it and try to deal with it alone, there are people who can and want to help
h3arty that’s great! I really am truly happy for you & wish you all the best with your new friendship! Warmed my heart reading your comment & made me skip back to that exhilarating feeling when you’ve realised you’ve made a new friend :) so good 😊 xx
Great once they know honestly they will understand you much better. Now work on your fear.. good luck
This is amazing I really need this, identity disturbance is one of the biggest issues of bpd that I’ve been struggling with makes it so hard to keep a career.
I'm in between jobs and just lost what I might like so hard!
yes, and impulsively just quitting a job, that's what I do
Oh god I thought I was alone :(
Same here
@@younesromero5763 i tried to read blog but link not connecting
Everyday, I feel as if I fluctuate between 2-5 different personality states. I move between a flighty child, a wise house wife, an uncaring masculine man and a flirty girly girl. I will react to situations differently depending on which state I'm in. On occasion I will try to "induce" certain states depending on how I want to be perceived, but forcing it always comes out jilted and unnatural. I have been diagnosed with BPD and I wonder if this is common with the disorder
Very common.
@@DrDanielFox Thankyou so much Doctor Fox
@@DrDanielFox I'm wondering if you can make a video on this sort of constant personality state switching common in BPD. I have never been given any real information about it and why it happens.
Same
Wow I do this, too.
i am so grateful that you’re doing this. i can’t afford therapy at the moment. your videos have helped me so much and also helped my family members and my boyfriend understand me better. thank you 😊
Thank you for your kind words. Understanding and patience is so importance from those in our interpersonal system, but also for ourselves. :)
Hi Dr Fox
Thank you for your information and taking time to help us .
Keep the good work!
This is not a cure however
Look into psychodynamic therapy by Gunderson
@@DrDanielFox thank you so much. Your workbook definitely helps me too.
@@erxfav3197 actually DBT seems to be the only successful therapy for BPD- and it actually works. Im not sure if psychodynamic therapy by Gunderson would actually be effective- but idk forsure so its up to you guys to confirm for yourselves! Please do ur research and i suggest checking out DBT as ppart of your research which last i heard really works to help people overcome BPD (no longer meets criteria for being diagnosed for BPD)
IDENTITY is the most important topic in BPD for me. I'm 34 and finally "found" my strong, confident identity this year....but...after losing a job I loved, I felt like my identity was "slipping away". I sometimes feel like it is a bar of soap that I can't hold onto. Without all the elements in my environment to mirror and reflect who I need to see myself as, I feel as if my identity is getting devoured by a black void. To counter this, I wrote down my beliefs and thoughts when I was strong as a reference and a guide back. I wrote some amazing stuff. I just can't relate to my own personality right now and it's terrifying.... Us BPDs have to endure something no one else can comprehend. However, It's biochemistry that causes the shift, not reality. Not our fault. I just currently have to stave off that familiar existential fear creeping in that I'm "back to the pathetic insecure person" I have self-loathing toward. All of a sudden, I'm feeling not good enough. All of a sudden, I have crippling fears and self-doubt. I was the complete opposite of this for months and months and all it took was losing a job, and I feel as if I have to fight off some blanket of darkness again.
I'm NOT losing this fight though. I finally know who I am. These invasive doubts are lies. This disorder deceives us because our emotional fluctuations feel truthful and real. Emotions lie. I live by logic now. Emotions can change and always will. My doubts are temporary. I only experience something if I tell myself it's true.
The above statements are how I ground myself and maintain my identity. Sending love to anyone else who experiences the same distress ❣️
@@dinahn6955 Hey! I forgot about this! I appreciate the kind words and your comment. It's incredible looking back and reading this, honestly! I got a new Job, went through many more circus 🎪 experiences (bullying at the workplace or exploitative manager), but I maintained my identity and refused to quit or let them win. These horrible experiences built a resilience in me...and although I wouldn't wish it on anyone, I work with BPD sufferers in domestic violence and homeless shelters, and I help them self-parent. I can only do that because I know a LOT more than I did.
To build an identity strong enough to endure outside cruelty or criticism or failure, it is imperative to ensure the story you tell yourself isn't one of failure. I decided to embrace "I trust myself and I am going to be fine eventually, I always am" and "I've been through hell before, but I know this isn't about me". I would also STRONGLY recommend avoiding any environments where you we aren't supported. Whether it's a job, family, relationship, etc. I worked for a Narcissist in that job I lost. Possibly psychopathic, that woman. We cannot afford to expose ourselves to cruelty and believe the lies.!
Hope you are managing well, too! We can't give up on ourselves. I strongly believe logic saved my life, too. Take emotions out of thinking! Sending good vibes ✨️
I feel relieved that I'm hearing you say this and that it's not just some craziness inside my head. I find I get a platonic infatuation with friends or acquaintances and I just adopt everything that they do. Their passions, hobbies, interests, morals, even the phrases they use. I feel super insane and I wish I could find someone to talk to about it because I'd really like to figure out who I am without all of that influence. I envy those who have their own identity :(
It's exhausting trying to be so many different people at once and try to figure out who I am and which thing fits. Nothing seems to fit
wow, I so relate to you in using phrases they use. I have the hardest time controlling it and feel bad because i do want the person to know im not speaking like them to copy them bc im obsessed or anything like that, it just kind of comes out on accident.
The part where we're supposed to draw how we see ourselves today... I can only draw circles in black marker... around and around and around, like a long piece of tangled black string with the center resembling a black hole. And what I see myself in the future: I can only think of drawing a question mark because I don't know. I don't have dreams or aspirations, I'm just taking whatever life gives me, one day at a time. I've became a pacifist. I've given up on life and just staying alive so that my family wouldn't be destroyed.
Thank you for sharing and you may want to explore your sense of self with a mental health professional. Fill that space with other colors, feelings, beliefs, etc. Here is a link to help you find someone, be well and stay strong. psychcentral.com/blog/10-ways-to-find-a-good-therapist/
Also, this is my favorite video. Please watch it and let it ignite the drive to seek help. ua-cam.com/video/UNQhuFL6CWg/v-deo.html
This is a lot of repressed pain maybe talking to a councillor will help you :)
Daph 112 This was so beautifully expressed. I wrote this down to talk to my therapist. You are not alone. Read some of the responses that others write, and know you are not alone. Just how your words have helped articulate my own pain, maybe somebody else's words can inspire you to hold on and recognize that this is our disorder speaking, and with help, perseverance we can rewire our mental processes.
I write you this as I struggle to get out of bed each day, struggle not to fall deeper into self blame/pity, to not think about my ex, struggle to do basic self care. And I try to avoid even thinking about my sketchy sense of self because it shames me and terrifies me that I have not figured this out- I struggle to not use drugs and alcohol... But when I read comments such as yours and others, when I see how we are still daring to hope trying our best with something we did not ask for- it's so humbling and we are so full of courage. And what I notice more than anything is how we can be so compassionate towards others and deny that compassion to ourselves.
I am sorry to go on, but DO NOT give up. Please.
Thank you for your words. You have helped someone- know that.
Lol. Yes! Same here. Laughing because someone else described it exactly
I've been building my sense of self for a long time now... I've noticed that when I'm close to someone who has a more "rigid" personality that I start to lose those aspects of myself that might upset those rigid people. It's so weird how it happens so quickly, like all of a sudden I don't have access to parts of myself. So now it's about finding people who are more gentle and agreeable so I can let myself out more :) 💜 growth is cool, it takes time
Dr. Fox, THANK YOU so very much. I'm shocked that you put out this free content to help people like me. I am 60 years old, was misdiagnosed for decades, spiraled into hopelessness and have found it difficult to find treatment. You have helped me so much. You have been a God-send. It is so incredibly validating to hear a professional describe what I have been dealing with for so many years. Thank you, thank you, thank you for this life-line. It gives me hope of finding a way to live with less pain.
This is literally a life saver. As someone who literally cannot hold a job due to multiple mental illness, free help is greatly needed to those who have nothing to offer, and are only hanging onto life by a thread, day by day. The suicide hotline only offers temporary help, not longterm help. Thank you, once again ☺️
PASSIONNANT 😀 Merci beaucoup de partager votre expérience, c'est un bien précieux. J'aime beaucoup cette phrase de Boris Cyrulnick, neuro-psychiatre qui dit: '' Le savoir est inutile si il n'est pas partager '' Merci encore.
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
Dr. Fox, thank you. You have a very kind and compassionate way about you. I enjoy your videos.
I have been in and out of therapy since I was 9 years of age I’m 37 now. NEVER once has a doctor explained my disorder this well!!! Maybe if they had I’d be more self aware now? Thank you!! Wish you were closer! Your BPD are lucky to have you
Brother you take care. Thank you for helping people, helping our society, helping our species grow
Thank you for your kind words! It’s always a pleasure to contribute to our community and make a positive impact.
It's so hard to get help with mental disorders here. Last time I called a hotline I got brushed off and given a link to a website.....
You explained it PERFECTLY! I call it "Good Becky, Bad Becky", because I have a side to me that is extremely loving and compassionate.......but then I have a fearful angry rageful side to me. And I got back and forth between the two. I had a therapist tell me people with BPD have split personalities. I decided to stop seeing her because splitting and the sense of self...it's not a split personality. It's going back and forth between good, bad, black, white, passive, aggressive. I wish I could find a therapist who actually knows and understands BPD so that I could get help.
If you're into tarot and habe studied any form lf spirituality, the very concept of good and bad is a dualistic concept. Look into oneness consciousness. Good vs bad is a human ego concept that puts value into things. Humans have both light and dark within them. Good and bad. But it does not mean we are worthless. It is important to integrate both. Look into the concept of yin and yang. We cannot always be loving all the time. We need that "bad" side to uphold our boundaries, especially when being taken advantage of.
Hey guys just remember there is nothing wrong with you. BPD along with other mental health disorders are adaptations from trauma. You just need to focus on one issue at a time and learn the skill you missed out on as a child. Take your time and go easy on yourself. Thank you so much for all these amazing videos!
I have been freaking out since I got diagnosed with BPD a month ago. The social stigmas that I have experienced in the medical field surrounding this particular personality disorder are that its unfathomable for"normal" people to understand, and dismal for the person diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. My psychiatrist is also retiring in four months, so I can't even articulate how helpless and lost I have been. Knowledge is power, and I cannot thank you enough for providing me with an understanding of my drive-by diagnosis. I'm quite surprised I haven't been diagnosed until now, as so much of the traits associated with BPD describe me to a tea. Again, thank you.
This is so helpful! I'm 63 and, while some of my issues have phased out over time, unstable identity is still a huge problem for me. I would love to see you do a video about BPD in older adults Dr. Fox, just by the way :) Your videos and worksheets are wonderful. Thank you for all you do!
Some thing that I'm really looking forward to when COVID is over is going to the mall into Bath and Body Works (haven't been in maybe 10 years?) And choose one candle. A scent that I really enjoy and speaks to me. And then light it anytime I'm not feeling confident in my identity or self conscious of my lack of it. A small reminder that I CAN do things that I enjoy. I AM capable of determining what I like most. That exploration is okay.
that's beautiful ❤️
thank you for making a video about this topic! this is one of the hardest things to explain to ppl as a borderline.
100% you are making a huge difference in the lives of many, if your impact on me is any indication. Seriously, so pragmatically helpful. Proof that the internet isnt all bad!
Just wanted to say I bought your workbook for BPD off Amazon the other day and I’m just so excited for it!!
I received mine last week and it's incredible! Good luck with your recovery x
I was never diagnosed with BPD. I was diagnosed with PTSD from childhood abuse.
But I have had recurring issues with self disintegration at different points in my life and undoubtedly connected to trauma.
These days though I don’t experience major trauma symptoms, but I lack concrete direction. So this may help me.
I have filled hundreds of journals which have helped me stabilize identity. Especially in the early days helping me to not enmesh with others.
At 7 minutes that's exactly...
It's overwhelming tiring so you start staying to yourself
You are literally offering free counceling sessions on yt, that's so unbelievably kind of you! It's beautiful to see psychologists with deep empathy of other people's misery that extends far beyond their own clients'. Thank you!
This doctors videos are AMAZING. Why can't more doctor's speak to their client in such depth and detail.
This has to be one of the most difficult aspects of BPD. Forever grateful for your videos.
Man... this is making so much sense to my personal experiences...
Particularly with the oscillating from Goth to Preppy. I have trouble reconciling my individuality from the social norm, so since my self-image is different from the ideal form, I choose a different ideal. Then I bounce between those images. I can't imagine a crunchy mom, who composts and brews her own kombucha, driving a minivan... but I love my minivan... so then I see an Alpha Mom in my head... so am I the Alpha Mom or the Crunchy Mom? I can't be both, right?
So, I'm stuck trying to see past those idols and actually be "myself".
You do you :) Stay on the road to self discovery.
Crunchy...pfft, I don't know what that means but I love it~
You definitely have the best videos on bpd on the entire youtube, but you also seem like an amazing person; and I'm not splitting here, I believe :D. Jokes aside, your compassion and empathy are something I've never seen in any of my therapists. Sometimes I feel like most of them get cold over the years of listening to people's problems, or because of that in combination with their personal problems, but then what's the point of them doing what they do if they're just gonna pretend to listen to us for 10 mins and then prescribe the drugs. My 1st therapist even went so far that she'd always end a session by telling me that I'm too pretty to be depressed and that I just need to look at myself in the mirror (back then I didn't know I have bpd, and she assumed it was just depression bc I couldn't even get myself to get out of bed for 4 full years).
Imagine that level of unprofessionalism...
Anyway, thank you so much for this, I shared your channel with my best friend who also has bpd, and I can't explain how much this means considering that none of us have enough money to pay for some quality therapy.
thank you so much! this is such a lonely journey, your videos are extremely helpful for me! sending you lots of love from Poland :)
I just want to say thanks. I can’t afford therapy at this time and I have 2 little girls who need me to get mentally healthier, and you are helping in the process!
I'm grateful for the opportunity to be the person I want to be, let's all embrace that.
Just hearing you describe the worksheet sends me into further depression. I don't see a future for myself and every goal I've every set for myself fell apart. Starting at age 19 I jumped from the military (backed out to get married), had babies, lost them to their vindictive dad so lost motherhood, tried cosmetology school but dropped out, college with no major and hated it, thought I'd make a great docs wife so devoted myself to a MD student. That flopped. Went to paralegal school and actually finished on the Dean's list but hated the actual job and quit after 2 weeks. Tried massage therapy, failed anatomy by 2 points, tried working 3 jobs at once only to burn out, went into hotel management and got fired, went to waitressing, then moved to the coast... Got another job, hated it and quit, another job at a gift shop hated the boss and quit, back to college only to get kicked out for bucking up against a bully instructor, moved back to my hometown got a medical unit certificate that I never used....gah I could keep going. And all of this was happening during the most god awful interpersonal codependent relationship you could imagine. Every since mother used to lock me in my closet I began to dissociate and I've never been able to figure out who I am. I have no idea why I'm even here to be honest. Right now I'm in almost complete isolation bc I'm Soo exhausted that I've pretty much given up. I just take up space while I wait for my turn to die.
You have to understand you are not alone because there are so many other people out there who feel exactly like you do. Right now I too wonder where my life is headed. I have done so many things, and yet I also still feel lost..but through watching Dr. Fox's video's, and reading the comments I see so many others that are experiencing exactly what I feel. I know it may not help to tell you how alone I feel but at least you can know you're definitely aren't the only one.
Thanks for your saying: "I CAN do it" - make changes. Encouraging.
I have been diagnosed with BPD long back and have come a long way. But I still struggle with my sense of self and boundaries and goals. Emptiness, drifting aimlessly is so much like me. I find it easier to surrender to a life designed for me by other controlling people in my life. But now want to break free. The thought of freedom and taking responsibility for my own life are daunting but going to be worth it I suppose. Thank you for showing us direction. This definitely makes me want to go for it. Your compassion is praiseworthy.
hi. I don't have sense of self either. Recently consulted a psychiatrist. She is performing CBT on me. Can I regain my sense of self. All symptoms doesn't match of BPD. I read on the internet that psychodynamic psychotherapy and psychoanalytic psychotherapy helps instead of CBT. I don't know what am doing now. One thing's for sure I don't have BPD but have low/no sense of self. Can I regain it. Please reply. Btw my age is 20 will be 21 on 9 Dec 2020. Is it possible to regain my sense of self at age 20. Please reply man. Thanks.
mam, I am not a BPD. Recently consulted a psychiatrist she said I don't have BPD or any other personality disorder because I have only one symptom which is unstable sense of self. True story - when I was 6 years old I was a attention seeker , at 11 years age , I started behaving like an outsider because I come from a place where I see people who are outsider. Now am 20 , will CBT and some coping mechanism of DBT help me to regain my sense of self at age 20 . Please reply.
I have done several courses photography, personal trainer, beautician not doing any of them at the moment, I can completely relate to what you are saying, one day I want to be this free spirited hippie and the next day I want to be preppy and go to gym and do botox then I want to be a Christian then I want to be a pagan, it's like that with everything on my life, it's like I am 2 different people, it's been a Rocky ride lol, atleast I am a bit better now than a few years back. Thank you so much for the worksheets
Hi dear , I hear you. I will tell you something that I wish someone told me a few years back.
1- it seems to me that you’re only interested in one theme. Which is beauty and aesthetics. Photography is about the artistic aesthetic and the beauty of the world. Beautician is about the beauty of the human face while being a trainer is about the aesthetic of the human body.
2- don’t be so hard of yourself. Your spirit is wide enough to hold different and sometimes seemingly conflicting desires and ideals. Society imposés stereotypes on us. For example if you are an artist or have a free spirit you should stick with an anarchist and messy image and style. Not care about your hair and wear baggy and crazy outfits and not wear makeup. I am an artist who choses to be elegant and do Botox. I am ok with takin the best of botte worlds.
3- about your religion, since you never met God or Jesus yourself and have solid proof of their existence, it is ok to not be sure. It is in fact a sign of intelligence. But allow yourself to hold two dialectics at the same time, a. You like the idea of God and the bible, b. You do not have proof and it’s natural for your mind to question.
Good luck!
You sound like a person who likes to be surrounded by beautiful things. And a beautiful person
@@Rina.J89 thank you... you've answered my question of why can't I be more religious like other people? ( In Africa Christianity is really big ) being bdt/bp has made it worse
galdatkeepitmovin 254 I’m glad. Plz don’t be hard on your self about it... some people are religious and they are jerks and some are atheists yet very kind.
I know bpd uses everything about you to make you feel like you’re a bad person. It uses anything as proof... just be the best person you can and don’t obsess about religion. Take the parts of it that you like, leave the parts you don’t like..
Be kind to Christians, accepting and understanding. If you are one or you are not, either way you don’t need to make a point about it. It’s personal. This is the modern world.
Good luck
@@Rina.J89 Thank you
this fucking sucks. For the past 5 years I've been getting treatment for dysthymia and its only just now surfaced that I am 1000% in every category for BPD, it's surreal, memories I otherwise wouldn't think much of are absolutely condemning, everything you said is absolutely on the dot, almost a dr Jekyll and hyde. I can't believe I didn't realize it sooner.
I’ve fought against the borderline label and the feelings and the conscious knowing for many years - same with some other diagnoses I’m just not ready to accept.
Thank you for all of these great videos - they really explain all that I’m feeling so well, which is helpful, but I absolutely hate it.
Wow thankyou❤ the drawing part got me🎉 love you dfox
Thank you for your insight, I’m most grateful.
I’m a little embarrassed that it took over 40 years for me to notice that I didn’t really exist - I was just a series of characteristics borrowed from other people, real and fictional. Only by studying myself at the minutest level, have I been able to piece together my ‘natural’ preferences, and craft a narrative of who I could be.
Thank you....I thought there might be a complicated explanation to the identity confusion but I'm not sure if anyone else realized when he discussed the two groups of people and confusion of where to fit in...Of course I went through that in highschool...but the point is I realized I can no longer wait for a magical moment to just be fixed and know who I am I have to work for it...thank you again Dr.Fox I appreciate it.
This is the one trait I said I didn't have when I started learning about my BPD. Turns out, its a pretty major one. It's very hard for me to comprehend it, but Dr Fox made it a little bit more clear.
Dr. Fox, I was wondering if you might consider do some more on identity. I am part of many groups for BPD and find the topic come up time and time again about people feeling so very much younger than their age, sometimes 20 plus years younger or have a part of them that identifies as a small child. I think that it woukd be helpful to understand this stuff a lot better.
Great idea. Thanks
We appreciate u dr. Fox. You are one of the few doctors working to help understand bpd and help people heal from it
Thank you doctor!! It's amazing that you give away resources for free for those that can't afford therapy
Been in treatment steady for 2 yrs, on and off for 7 yrs. I have finally accepted this is part of my life. Huge step for me, took me over 10 yrs.
I couldn't have came across this video and you Dr Fox at a more perfect time. I am finally in a semi stable point in my life. I have been trying to find myself and who "I" am. This is exactly the first steps needed for me to start to figure it out. 1 video has helped more than the last 4 months of weekly therapy by phone (due to COVID-19)
Thank you for this. I will follow up with results in months to come.
hi. I don't have sense of self either. Recently consulted a psychiatrist. She is performing CBT on me. Can I regain my sense of self. All symptoms doesn't match of BPD. I read on the internet that psychodynamic psychotherapy and psychoanalytic psychotherapy helps instead of CBT. I don't know what am doing now. One thing's for sure I don't have BPD but have low/no sense of self. Can I regain it. Please reply. Btw my age is 20 will be 21 on 9 Dec 2020. Is it possible to regain my sense of self at age 20. Please reply man. Thanks.
mam, I am not a BPD. Recently consulted a psychiatrist she said I don't have BPD or any other personality disorder because I have only one symptom which is unstable sense of self. True story - when I was 6 years old I was a attention seeker , at 11 years age , I started behaving like an outsider because I come from a place where I see people who are outsider. Now am 20 , will CBT and some coping mechanism of DBT help me to regain my sense of self at age 20 . Please reply.
This video is still happening people like me. Thank you for making this information accessible!
Cried watching this. I was told by a psychiatrist that I am on the BPD spectrum and this video describes to a T what it is like not to have a stable sense of self.
It's ramadan 🌙 I pry for your happiness...because you are a big help for my bpd ☀️🌹
i’m so dumbfounded by this video i don’t even know how to speak after watching this. thank you thank you thank you. you just put my problems into words.
Wow... Really fired up to do the worksheet. I hate the word & have so many negative associations with it (probably from school days) but it sounds like it'll be a huge help & focus. Thank you so much!
Dr Fox this program & worksheets IS the only effective treatment for my spectrum of this disorder. Psychiatrist won't even touch a Borderline, they insist its Bi-Polar so they can dish out Lithium etc!!!
It would cost me $3000 plus $500/year for 'aftercare group meetings'!?!?
Only the financially privileged get access to this kind of intense care in the 'real world'.
I'll go 'virtually'with you Doctor, Thank you
I can’t begin to tell you how helpful this video is to me. I’ve never heard from any of my doctors this information. Thank you for understanding us.
Omg ure so understanding dr. I love hearing u talk n i just realised at 25 i dun fycking knw who I am n i tend to just listen to music my friends introduce me to, watch movies they watch, do things they wna do, eat wat they wna eat n go to places they wna go.
It’s insane how much I related to your description of the symptoms and the concept not having a sense of self + self diffusion. I have not been diagnosed with BPD but I’m glad that I found out I’m not alone in the fact my personality, perspectives, and emotions fluctuate so much and are just so intense. Thank you for the worksheet too!
hi. I don't have sense of self either. Recently consulted a psychiatrist. She is performing CBT on me. Can I regain my sense of self. All symptoms doesn't match of BPD. I read on the internet that psychodynamic psychotherapy and psychoanalytic psychotherapy helps instead of CBT. I don't know what am doing now. One thing's for sure I don't have BPD but have low/no sense of self. Can I regain it. Please reply. Btw my age is 20 will be 21 on 9 Dec 2020. Is it possible to regain my sense of self at age 20. Please reply man. Thanks.
Hi! I know this video is super old but I just wanted to thank you so much for this video. I looked up videos today about identity disturbance because I realized I am suffering from it and you just absolutely blew me away with the information you provided. I always suspected I have BPD but was always told by non mental health professionals that I didn’t. I feel very validated by this video and a whole lot less alone knowing I’m not the only one going through this. Thank you again 🫡❤️
Thank you so much for your free help 😭 this video give me hope I cried because i was saying to my self I can't afford therapy and then this video 💝
What I need is doable, practicable step by step strategy. Thanks man
You’re welcome and I think that that is what’s so important for folks who are looking for more mental health information.
Amazing video as usual, I have bpd and I am also blind, I can get help with that worksheet, I struggle so so much with identity, it’s so hard to understand myself, then ultimately learn who I am meant to be! Thank you x
Dr Fox God bless you. You know this BPD very well. Every time I see your videos. It seems like you exactly how I think, everything is spot on. I’m still in aw about the whole thing!
Wow, thank you
Thank you so much for this! I can't afford therapy at the moment so I'm grateful for having access to such informative free resources.
You make incredibly informative and non-judgemental videos. I really appreciate that you take the time to share this information. I’ve done two rounds of DBT and am still learning new things through your videos. They help me to have a better understanding of myself and BPD.
Thank you for this video. I've struggled with my self image and identity for as long as I can remember, and hearing someone put to words what I've been going through my whole life- something that I thought was normal- was as terrifying as it was comforting and enlightening. Thank you for helping me get my journey to recovery started.
I first was in denial that my old therapist had diagnosed me with BPD
But after watching your videos it's made it clear. Thank you so much for doing this for us.
I also suffer from OCD it's hell.
Your goodness is glowing in your face! Hours you donated to make this knowledge (cure) available, is much greater than a lifetime; As thousands will watch them through decades to come. Not only their lives, but also anyone close to them could be a little better because of your selfless work. I respected myself because of you and went through the worksheet full heartedly.
I have just started your work book I didn’t make the connection when I found this video thank you for explaining this complex disorder in an easy to understand way and with such compassion.
you are amazing! I didn‘t know that what I feel is real and can be put into words like yours! thank you so much..
I was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago and you have been the most helpful resource for me. Thank you for your kindness and compassion throughout your videos. Your channel and your workbook both give me so much hope for healing. Please know you are doing great things for those of us struggling with this.
Thank you Dr Fox
I can tell that you have passion about what your doing to educate us. For that I am truly grateful. I have just being diagnosed with BPD. I have bipolar too. That was diagnosed back in early 90 s.
I have seen a lot of your videos and putting your expertise on this disorder applying slowly tp my life. Must say it's a bit painstaking being 56 and having to learn all the changes. I'm in therapy so every little bit of knowledge does help. So thanks Doc.
Dr Fox, I absolutely love your videos. Can you do more videos on identity disturbance? Are there other disorders or things that can cause it as well? I'm undiagnosed, but I definitely, definitely, definitely, have this symptom beyond a doubt, I've researched it in-depth, such as:
The 4 factors of identity disturbance
(1)PAINFUL INCOHERENCE
A subjective and painful sense of lack of coherence comprising feelings of unreality, emptiness, and lack of continuity in the experience of self.
2) ROLE ABSORPTION
Patients define themselves in terms of a single role or cause. For instance, a person might put all of their eggs in one basket: "I'm a dancer" and then everything they are revolves around their idea of how a dancer is or should be.
3) INCONSISTENCY
An objective incoherence in thought, feeling, and behavior.
4) LACK OF COMMITMENT
e.g., to jobs or values.)
I really have a difficult time with identity disturbance in particular and it's so difficult to find any decent resources on it, but I absolutely love your videos. Thank you for making them, you're wonderful.
COMPONENTS OF IDENTITY DISTURBANCE IN BORDERLINE (An empirical study showing statistical correlations)
"Identity centers around not being like someone else"
"Personality changes dramatically depending on whom patient is with; personality is 'chameleon-like'"
"Sense of self depends on relationship to a charismatic other; tends to be in the orbit of a strong personality"
"Values tend to change frequently; patient does not seem to have a constant set of core values"
"Patient has had difficulty choosing and committing to an occupation"
"Patient appears conflicted or unsure about own gender"
"Patient appears conflicted or unsure about whether he or she is heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual"
"Patient feels as though he or she is a different person depending on whom he or she is with"
"Patient holds grossly inconsistent or contradictory beliefs"
"Patient frequently behaves in ways that seem inconsistent or contradictory"
"Patient lacks a sense of continuity over time or has difficulty recalling day to day what he or she has done"
"Patient tends to feel like he or she does not know who own self is"
"Patient tends to feel empty inside"
"In close relationships, patient fears losing own identity"
"Patient defines self in terms of a label that provides a sense of identity"
"Patient has trouble committing to long-term goals or aspirations"
" Views of whom patient would like to be are unstable and ever changing"
"Views of self change rapidly or unpredictably"
"Feelings about self change rapidly or unpredictably"
"Patient has trouble telling life story; narrative accounts have large gaps or inconsistencies"
"Patient has had dramatic religious experiences felt to have changed his or her life (e.g., “born again” experiences)"
"Patient has had “epiphany” experiences (e.g., sudden, dramatic revelations about self) felt to have changed his or her life"
"Patient sometimes feels unreal"
I feel like I have no self and don't exist, I just constantly identify with my affective states, sometimes I dissociate and identify with whatever state I'm in at the time, as if I become an entirely different person. I am nothing, yet simultaneously I am multiplicity. I'm constantly changing, I'm nothing but a shift. I don't have access to a professional currently because of financial hardship, and I'm trying to tackle things anyways. There is an enormous deficit of good resources on correcting identity disturbance. Anything you're willing to share would be very appreciated, even if it's not BPD specific, although it seems like when I search for identity disturbance BPD is what pops up, and my research leads me to think BPD is the only one with it like this. Can you go into elaborating on what those 4 factors of identity disturbance mean, perhaps, also? It has been especially difficult to find resources on painful incoherence.
That's a lot of extremely useful info, thanks for posting it!
Thank you very much for this helpful and kind video. I am recovering from BPD, but have always had the feeling of a lack of identity. Whenever I try to look into this myself however, as you explained, my BPD really resists and pulls me away from thinking very deeply about my own identity. Having you explain it clearly and providing a worksheet with structured questions, as well as guiding through it, is very helpful. It is an unpleasant struggle to not have that feeling of identity, but this video has given me something concrete I can work from.
Thank you
I’m so glad you found it helpful. Be well.
I’m relieved yet mortified now that I realize I have bpd. Explains so much of my perspective and thought processes over my lifetime. Thank you, Dr Fox, for being so understand of this baffling condition
I'd heard a lot about the 'unstable self image', but I didn't really understand before this video. Thank you so much. This clarifies a lot about my life choices and struggles. Thank you for helping it make sense.
I’m glad you found this video helpful.
I've been searching the depths of the internet to find this information. Thank you!
For a lot of people therapy is a luxury and it shouldn't be this way but sadly it is because of affordability issues. I recognise your videos and worksheets are not replacements for therapy but I like how people can get started at least by themselves until they may be able to afford it. I will be downloading your worksheets for my clients to use. Perhaps it will get them to explore things which is a great start and a crucial step. Thank you
GOODNESS!! I KNOW I KEEP COMMENTING ON YOUR VIDEOS BUT YOU JUST DONT UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH YOU ARE TRULY HELPING&SPEAKING TO ME RIGHT NOW!! I am seeing a therapist,and a psychiatrist and the psychiatrist definitely believed from the moment we met I had BPD..when i was 15 I was institutionalized and one of the nursing assistants said he believed I had BPD I am 31 now.(I was taken out against dr's orders by my mom a few days after admittance so never fully diagnosed with anything)..My therapist Unfortunately does not believe I am.she just thinks I am bipolar(I Unfortunately have both)..but I digress.. I HAVE RECENTLY for the first time in many years been able to afford healthcare and i am trying so hard to get help and get better..I'm so tired of Being and feeling like this..And I want to be happy.. your compassion,your knowledge,heart,your spirit,just everything about your videos are what I have been needing for the one aspect of my mental health I haven't been able to get help with or most have refused to understand..etc..and I JUST THANK YOU FOR SAYING THE THINGS I NEED TO HEAR AND BEING THE LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS I NEEDED RIGHT NOW. IT WAS GETTING PRETTY BLEAK. I just printed out so many worksheets and I'm going to make a note to order your book,I Can't afford it right now but in a few weeks for sure! AGAIN,THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR CARING ENOUGH TO STUDY THIS DISORDER,TRULY UNDERSTAND IT AND POST VIDEOS ONLINE.
BE BLESSED
You are just one lovely being, honestly, thank you so much for just being there for us, it means alot to me and many others, thank you from my heart💝
You're very welcome. I'm glad the video was helpful. Be well.
I have always been really good at drawing (as you mentioned 😊) and got the highest grade in art class at school, but one day we were asked to draw a self-portrait and mine did not look like me at all. The teatcher was really surprised and I was ashamed and angry, I couldnt believe how bad I was at that task. Today Im sure it had to do with my splitted self-image. I could not hold myself together and see my self from the outside. Even today I avoid drawing myself.
This has become the most stressful part of having BPD for me. At 36 years old as hard as I've worked it feels like I should have moved forward more in any one aspect of my life. But a lifetime of instability made me have to constantly re-adapt to the point that I don't know who I am, where I'm going, what I want to do or even what I enjoy anymore.
Your understanding of BPD is amazing. When you said- "I don't want to put any pressure on you...", I actually said thank you, out loud. :) One of my hot buttons is feeling pressured and as silly as it seems, filling out that worksheet does feel daunting. Your encouragement to be patient with myself is really helpful. Please keep making these videos. I've been to so many therapists and finding someone that is truly able to help with BPD is extremely difficult. Do you ever take on clients via skype or facetime?
Your videos are incredible - literally life saving. My self image is in chaos right now and I've just destroyed my hair changing the colour 6 times in 3 days! Now it's ruined and not 'perfect' I don't want to leave the house and I feel really uncomfortable, unsettled, like I want to rip my skin off - if that makes sense?!
Your not alone I do that same behavior and my hair is a disaster. But I always remind myself it can grow back and it's one of the least harmful of my as Dr says maladaptive behaviors thank you for reminding me I'm not alone
You're making me feel so hopeful, and like I'm not terrible, you completely get it, there's so much good information and I've learned so much. With my sense of self I didn't realize just how lost I was and how a lot of other things relate to the unstable self image like I always wondered why I just couldn't act "normal" so I would just copy people or laugh when they laugh and I had no idea that it was because I have to learn who I am. Thank you so much, this is so inspiring!
I would also like to add that your channel has helped me more than anybody ever has with my bpd and I've been seeing different therapists for 13 years
I’m so glad and be well.
Thankyou Dr Fox I have downloaded that worksheet on BPD, yes I look forward too completing it.
I hope you find it helpful. Stay the course for wellness and be well.
Hi Daniel, I came upon your video on BPD today, and have literally binge watched you the entire afternoon with my Husband. I have BPD and Bipolar disorders, and I'm still struggling to get decent help. I've never ever been to a therapist that comes close to you, your demeanour and the obvious care you have and give your patients. Thank you for making these videos. They're helping me so so so much. Thank you.
+Bipolarline 🦊👍
@@DrDanielFox I've added your channel to mine, to call people, to watch you. I hope you can do the same for me? I'm a mental health advocate, and help people through lived experience, and many courses to live with Bipolar and Borderline, as they're horrendous to live with. You're the BEST person I've ever seen with such compassion for us, broken people, and I'm super glad I found you. xx
i wish you were my therapist!! Very informative encouraging and compassionately told
I really appreciate your insights about this disorder. It's easy to blame others, but real change comes when you take a good look at yourself, how you function, and why you function like you do. The steps to change are challenging, but I think it's important to set goals so you don't drift back into old patterns, and the positive goals you set to change old behaviors keep you moving forward. As a Christian, my faith in Christ, the Holy Spirit and the Bible help with the change process. It is very encouraging to listen to people whom God has gifted with an understanding of human nature. Thank you!
I know this video is old. I do hope you get this.. the calm, informative way you speak is very comforting and reassuring.. thank you
Thank you so much!
Explained so well. I was emo for less than a year, but very emo, then one day I just stopped wearing eye makeup, wore a green headband and let my hair grow out the black. Then I ended up with the popular kids, but I felt even more out of place than before! Thanks for your videos
As a 12/13 year old, I’m 24 now lol
@P X-101 nope. to this day i still identify with many parts of that stage of my personality. for years i cut those out in a trauma response. it was probably impulsive of me to comment about it opening myself up to a response like this, but pls keep in mind you dont know everything bout a situation before commenting.
Thank you so so much for these enlightening videos.