How to Stop Love Bombing (Limerence)
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- Опубліковано 23 жов 2020
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Imagine you are attracted to someone and have a strong need for love, you must have it, but you're overcome with fear that you don't deserve it, have no frame of reference to identify it or build it, and when you try to get it it's like that tornado hitting Dorothy's small house in The Wizard of Oz. The desire to feel that love is one thing, but it gets compounded by the need to have it reciprocated, intermixed with the confusion about whether you deserve it? This is what it is often like for people with BPD when they feel attraction and find an object to love; this is also called limerence. This is defined as a cognitive and emotional state of intense romantic desire for another individual.
Many individuals with BPD have a core content of emptiness, abandonment, low self-worth, and many others that directly lessen your sense of worth. When limerence comes into play, things get even more complicated, really fast. In many cases BPD makes you think that you don't deserve love, healthy love, and perhaps you've only seen unhealthy love and affection but you desire a conceptualization of healthy love. However, you have identified a love object, and want those feelings reciprocated, but do you deserve it? The inner critic, the voice from your past tells, you loudly no! In this video, we are challenging this with knowledge as we explore the four components of limerence.
Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 15 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.
He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:
Antisocial, Narcissistic, and Borderline Personality Disorders: A New Conceptualization of Development, Reinforcement, Expression, and Treatment. Available at: www.drdfox.com/books
The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook: An Integrative Program to Understand and Manage Your BPD. Available at: goo.gl/LQEgy1
Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic and Histrionic Workbook: Treatment Strategies for Cluster B Personality Disorders (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Gold Award Winner): goo.gl/BLRkFy
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Toolbox: 55 Practical Treatment Techniques for Clients, Their Parents & Their Children (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Silver Award Winner):: goo.gl/sZYhym
The Clinician's Guide to Diagnosis and Treatment of Personality Disorders: goo.gl/ZAVe9v
Dr. Fox has given numerous workshops and seminars on ethics and personality disorders, personality disorders and crime, treatment solutions for treating clients along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum, emotional intelligence, managing mental health within the prison system, and others. Dr. Fox maintains a website of various treatment interventions focused on working with and attenuating the symptomatology related to individuals along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum (www.drdfox.com).
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Citation:
Tennov, D. (1998). Love and limerence: The experience of being in love. Scarborough House.
I find myself constantly ricocheting between unrealistic hope and absolute despair. Like I'll never be happy unless they love me and if they don't love me it's because I'm not good enough.
Same 💯💯💯
I feel you there, I have these exact feelings sometimes- trust me when I say, you are good enough. You will be happy.
It’s hard to see it and to feel that but it’s true. You have to work towards it but it’s within your grasp!
Amelia Oxborrow Same here. However, if someone did love me, I felt this huge sense that I don’t deserve it. I think that element is what tends to cause sabotaging relationships.
I used to struggle with similar feelings. Learning to forgive my parents and myself, and accepting my limitations and needs, desires, I’ve learned slowly to love myself first. I’m enough for me, and ultimately, that’s all that I require. If someone else comes around to love me, they need to show they love the flaws, or at least accept them, because I readily accept others shortcomings (within healthy reason). No one is perfect. And we all deserve to love ourselves.
Stop playing the tapes. When they start playing, notice and stop them with a question...why am I having this thought? It’s a small step, but it could take you far and away from those feelings of worthlessness and lovelessness.
Your feelings don’t change overnight, but with persistence and practice, you can overcome the obsessive ego.
You are enough.
Be well and blessed be 🙏🏼🥰💝
@@loveleamoon3005 I also managed to overcome this by myself, I'm glad you did so, it feels refreshing to know others that survive through this stuff.
Right... those days where you think it is a good thing to drop the negative people in your life, but you are the negative people in your life 👽
Resist that inner speak and fight to change it.
THIS...profound reflection.
😭😭😭felt that🖤
Depends on your definition of negative.
No...you are just surrounded by psychological abusers/gaslighters...who make u feel guilty for their subtle emotional abuse. Scapegoaters. and most often never admit any fault of their own. EVER
In my opinion I think there's no other professional in the industry that understands BPD better Dr fox 🦊
Totally agree i bought his book
I agree! I've been in and out of mental facilities for 15 years. I've also had more therapists/psychologists than I can count. I've never come across someone so understanding of BPD and breaks it down so well. My awareness of myself has greatly improved since finding this channel. ❤️
I wish I could talk to someone that knows this much
@@tashahass8597 u do realize that bpd is a very sophisticated disorder right it's classified as both neurosis & Psychosis one part off my brain is extremely methodical while the other half is intensily emotional in a world filled with absolute lies it's very difficult to say that were crazy becuz the very thing we fear (abandonment/betrayal) is nothing but the nature of reality bpd is a gift with a curse
His DBT workbook was a game changer for me. I am not recovered, but I am SO much better
I flip between absolute infatuation, distress at the slightest rejection, the a growing resentment/hatred
Same lol
... It's a cycle
Oh my gosh. This is acurate.😭
I'm actually crying. I've ruined so many relationships because of this. I can't stand having another Favorite Person but it keeps happening and I can't make it stop; it's so unfair to those people. But even to this day I can never entirely tell if my relationships were really bad because I devalued them or if they were genuinely toxic because I idealized them. I spend hours thinking about these things and have spent years doing so but never an answer.
Try to take your eyes from yourself and put it on others. Meaning, try to do somrthing for others, for society and take yourself from the centre of your thinking. Usually when you focus on others, you see your problems becoming smaller. The world has lots of problems. And you can help too.
This is so on point. Does anyone have an answer?
Whatever. Just keep having fun and know you are who you are...you never know how life will turn out so just live it.
Omgggg I am going through the same loop now.....as before this I did not have a favorite person...my favorite person was just my dad and I never devalued him so to answer your question ....we do attract and become dependent on toxic relationships because our concept of love is skewed ....we needto surround ourselves with people who naturally are concerned with us
@@Kathrynlove that is the struggle the underlying thoughts .......we are at times fighting against nature so we need to be very patient with such cases
Loneliness is my biggest fear. That’s why I stay in unhealthy relationships .. great video
I really wanted to give you a thumbs down cuz I feel bad fore your statement yet your statement nailed it so I gave you a thumbs up. With that being said I am still confused cuz you deserve way more then a toxic relationship unless you deep down know you are the toxic one?? Either way if you are or are not the toxic one you deserve more
@@Goraiders75 no, I am not the toxic one but I enable that behavior and therefore I am guilty allowing to be treated that way. Thank you for reaching out
Sounds a lot like me. My fear of being alone, unloved and abandoned was huge. To me if a relationship ended it was like my world ended. I would never be loved again. I did everything I had to keep them if at times I felt like I hated them. As a result I let people abuse and neglect me.
I used to be my biggest fear too. But, now I enjoy being alone.
@@iamyou8416 Can you expand on how you developed the capacity to enjoy being alone?
Why do I internally want a relationship so bad but then when someone actually shows they're trying to have a serious, healthy relationship with me it makes me uncomfortable and I don't believe them so I push them away and treat them bad and that makes me reassured because I feel in control and not vulnerable? I haaaaate it
I think its cuz a Healthy relationship wud Not be gud Enuf..
i do that too.
Wow thats me
You actually are in love with your idealized version of that person, not the actual individual. When they begin to divert from this idealized image, you feel betrayed or at least disappointed and that is why you dont believe them and treat them badly.
I know what this is like too and i hate it just as much as you do. Limerence sucks bigtime.
@@hardworkingslacker7233 good description. I think mostly this and the "vulnerability" part she mentioned. I keep telling myself It gets better with Time..And knowing is Half the battle.
I think I’m obsessive in a passive way, I be thinking of my fav person very often, almost evert time of the day, but when I meet them I’m just like: 🕴🙂
THIS !!
@@rachelelizabeth00 😭😭😭same🖤
I can relate
sameeeee
THIS.. or they annoy me the whole time but the second we’re apart I’m like oh I miss them, come back
I spend my life in limerance, every time I cross paths with someone. I want a healthy relationship, but the people who would give me that, I avoid like the plague, because it makes me unable to breathe xx
Such a horrific struggle... It's VERY on point and so hard to deal with and so confusing.
I've noticed this pattern of obsessive love and it's awful effects, so i tend to cut off people before they get too close in respond, but i'm working on it
I’ve gotten to that point a lot, too.
"Watever u make your god will disapoint you"
"Someone doesn't have to be perfect for you to love them"
This is probably my biggest symptom - that obsessive love and how overwhelming it gets.
This video describes me perfectly. I have been struggling with limerence since adolescence, and it has only gotten worse over the years. I am in a constant state of either obsessing over a romantic partner OR obsessively trying to find a new love object, and obsessively seeking male attention to reassure myself that I am attractive enough and worthy for my next crush.
I do not know why i am like this, but it has led to a cycle of painful relationships (often with narcissistic men who take advantage of my low self esteem and my need for validation to get what they want), which has led to unhealthy coping mechanisms and even su***de attempts for me.
I can't figure out if I have love addiction, borderline personality or both. A psychiatrist recently told me that I have 7/9 traits of borderline but he didn't give me an official diagnosis. This makes sense, considering that my mom committed s*****e when i was 6 years old and my father abandoned us afterwards, so I probanly have abandonment issues. However, i did some reading on love addiction and felt like that described me pretty well, too.
The bottom line is I nees help but I don't know where to turn.
I relate, on so many levels.
Love addiction can be part of BPD; and with your past - it seems to be incredibly reasonable.
I pray you have been able to find the support you are seeking.
Like I stated.. I relate, greatly.
Best wishes and warmest regards.
I relate to this so much. I wonder, can you now spot narcissist sooner? If so, any tips?
Wow I am so sorry about your mom…and your dad leaving you.
I pray you learn and come to believe how much God loves you! 👆🏼🙏♥️
I've sacrificed so many opportunities, so much self-respect and worth over my FP because I can't imagine ever being without them, I feel like I know better than to be in an unhealthy relationship but I'm so obsessed with staying with them and afraid of abandonment that I can't leave or be left by them.
I'm not diagnosed, but watching this made me feel #seen. Called out and dragged. But in a positive way? Haha. Either way, super helpful. Thank you for the work you do.
LMAOO...deadass😭
Each point hits a different spot 🥲 oooof
Saame I feel attacked, seen and heard
As I approach 60, the hope that things can be different is really hard to believe. I've been going through these patterns of limerence and self defeat my entire life. Most of the time I feel broken beyond repair. On the other hand I have been addressing things in other ways such as health and fitness, not drinking, pushing the boundaries of accomplishment, making a habit of going out at least once a day and interacting with other people but my negative core values render many of these efforts into little more than a superficial mask. I still don't feel worthy but I'm still trying. Truth is, no matter how I have longed for a close relationship, I've never really had a close relationship and I have no friends to talk to. It's hard to say how long I can keep doing this.
Turn 50 in the number of friends that have ran away from me that have blocked me that has just wanted no type of contact and they could have been some really really great amazing people in my life that I sabotaged, and it takes almost years and years and years to get over them they will be pockets of times when I can go on and I’ll feel really great about not getting a hold of them but then there can become memories and then it turns into obsessions to where I am calling nonstop texting you could be 100 times a day or more changing numbers trying to get a hold of them. It’s really really exhausting.🤦🏾♀️
Jon - as meaningless and in vain it may feel, don’t quit going out and interacting with people. I’ve been practicing this for almost a year now, I can’t even tell you how weird, empty and meaningless it felt at first, but then some of these connections grew into acquaintances: two of my neighbors, the couple at the local grocery store etc. I’m not saying they’re the best, most profound human connections I can think of, but just by having people to talk to, every day, gave me a sense of a social safety net. I’m also a recovering addict, and the notion of “one day at a time” also helped me tremendously while doing this. Hope you’re well - never quit trying!
You are a resilient person for holding on for that long. 60 is huge man! I know resilience can feel like a hollow word since all of us with bpd have those splitting tendencies and that extra focus on the negatives so much so that it doesn't even let us value our own strengths or commonizes them to the point of disgust. I just wanna say that, you deserve all the love this life has to offer. Pls consider therapy, there is hope. Bpd is treatable. I care for you. This may sound really superficial but pls read this message when you feel lonely or suicidal. I know how it feels, the nagging voice that wants you to connect and then the contradiction leading to isolation. You're not alone and we aren't gonna die alone. We are powerful. We got this sir. PS thank you for writing this, you don't know you've inspired me for real. I was at my breaking point after another broken relationship but this gives me healing frequencies for some reason. Lots of love!
@@LurkingLinnet Thank you Linnet. Strange sometimes to receive replies a year and a half after a comment, then going back and rereading what I originally said. The battle continues. Things have been good for a stretch, many good things are happening around me, my health and fitness are good but I'm having recurrence at this time. It is exhausting, leaves me tired throughout the day yet manages to keep me awake at night. My BPD tends to be quiet and I keep it inside. Most people have no idea what I go through internally until it flares up. I can be so good at keeping it hidden that I don't know it's recurring until it erupts. I'm back to isolation now and only going out for short, planned interactions of necessity. I think this will be a shorter bout than I've had in the past. I understand the patterns better now. I appreciate your timely message of hope. I don't talk about this with many people and the one person I have been talking with seems to have slipped away. Love right back to you.
@@jonmars9559 God Bless You! We got this!
This is EXACTLY what happened with me and my ex, the lessening sense of worth & resentment build up thing you mentioned. I really sold myself & how I deserve to be treated short. I put up with stuff I KNEW I didn't deserve just because I didn't want to lose him, even knowing we weren't a good match. He completely disrespected me & treated me like I didn't matter. This is why I stopped dating for years. I keep finding myself in this pattern with narcissistic men. I always think I've done enough work to try again, then end up RIGHT BACK IN THE SAME POSITION. It's getting old, I'll tell ya that! I have a DBT workbook I'm working on. Hopefully it will help.
Dated this. He sabotaged a perfectly sweet and pure relationship. :/ I could see what was going on, but was powerless to stop it. In the beginning I felt so seen, in the end I wondered if he ever knew me at all. I felt like an object.
I'm kind of in shock! I didn't know that was a disorder. I thought I was just weird. I think about that person every waking second and I lose my appetite. When the person is gone, it takes me an unresonably long time to get over them and then, I usually gain all the weight back. I've just ordered the book you recommended. Thank you so much for making this video.
Same, this is why I stay single, if I don’t, my whole life will fall apart and it takes years to get back to normal, then I fall in love again…
I just can’t do it anymore
You just described me
I'm not sure, but I think limerence is not disorder. It's normal to experience limerence in the first stage when you fall in love, but it usually ends fast, if you don't need fantazy world to continue and when real relationships starts. Limerence is also common for CPTSD
I am literally right where you are describing. That is humbling. Thank you
@@LivingMyBestLifeIAm same I feel so called out
When I was diagnosed 2 years ago, I fell into a heap on the floor. There was finally something I could link with what it was that I was feeling after talking to people for more than a decade trying to figure out what was going on with me. I cried my damn eyes out
This is part of the reason I stopped dating 10 years ago. My own behavior is a problem and I don't want to hurt anyone.
Poor boundaries and inability to speak up creates tolerance for mistreatment and resentment builds up, and then it bursts into anger and burning bridges. Just creating healthy boundaries lessens anger.
I feel this right now. My relationship is crumbling and I just feel like being dead is the best option
I was literally thinking just this last night....
Same.
I was just thinking it right now, that feeling that doesn’t want to go away it just is always in the back of your mind; sorry can’t talk about it right now.
I've been thinking it the last week, really the last few years. But the last week has been rough...
Thank you for holding on Tasnia, Col, Kurwa, Duchess, & Anne. I relate & appreciate your existence very much.
I’m crying… I feel like you’ve been watching me and you know me personally, all my darkest inner realities, you’ve seen me. This describes me so well, my God it’s remarkable
I find the sense of rejection affects work relationships too. Fear of losing a job leads to you compromising morals and polluting the relationship etc
I think I've done the same thing in work environments ngl
I constantly felt I was going to lose my Job so I overworked and worked long hours sacrificing time with my family.
So much to the point that I had few episodes at home the constant need to be busy. Proving myself.
I quit after 18 years of solid work.
Became more at home.
Been having lots of Ruptures. Loud noise from kids stress me out trying to occupy myself. And feel like a failed Father and Husband.
Wife is definitely going to leave soon. I'm starting therapy to get clarity on if this is what I'm dealing with. BPD explains so much of what I deal with on the inside and fear of Rejection and loneliness.
Didn't help I watched my parents in a unhealthy relationship that I left at 13.
Idealize self harm often and lot.
@@suburbancasualty you're a real trooper bro. I hope you can find a way to work things out with your wife, splitting is never fun. there's a light at the end of the tunnel you're in, I'm positive. keep your head up
So is that why female bpd sleep with their boss? For job security? Lmao
I’ve been dating a girl with BPD and this channel has helped me better help her. If anyone has any advice for someone romantically involved with someone with BPD please comment
Just want to say thank you so much for taking the time to learn about her and understand her . I wish my boyfriend took the time to learn and understand these things .
Be strong. Take care of yourself too. Establish boundaries. Use your words. Communicate clearly and concisely. Love her but love yourself, too. Hug her tight when she tries hardest to push you away. But if it gets too much, and you tried your hardest, don't beat yourself up for walking away. Ultimately, the only one who can save us mentally ill is ourselves.
@@sunshineyrainbows13 Good advice. Really difficult 😕 here so much has happened.
Hello, do you think she felt limerence towards you?
Limerence, I've never heard this term until now. Well done video, Dr.Fox ☺
I was very obsessive in relationship when I was younger but I thank god for allowing me to see my wrongs in relationships. before it was always them never me they just wanted to leave me cause they didn’t “love” me enough...I choose to be by myself now because I noticed I lose myself when I’m in relationship I tend to focus on them and put myself on the back burner. I’m interested in seeing what you have to say on this topic and thank you for all the help you’ve given me thus far. 🙌🏼
Jayson Ramos I related so much to this comment. Whenever people left me, I told myself that they didn’t ever really love me.
Hello, my ex gf was a bpd person and she was the one who left me. I'm studying the disorder in order to learn what i've done for things to have reached where they did, but i haven't lost my love for her.
Even though she's already left me, i try to remind her i still love her, even though the last thing she's told me is that she grew sick of me, but that's the first time she's said that; idk if she's trying to push me away or something because i told her i wasn't alright since i eventually developed depression over the course of our relationship.
Everytime i tell her i'm worried she tells me i shouldn't worry about her, but take care of myself. The reason our relationship ended was unfair in my conception, and i felt like she never liked me to start with, but as i started to learn a little about bpd i found out there's this tendency to make problems bigger than they really are.
She tell me she doesn't hate me, but when i point out that the reason we finished wasn't "big" enough to make a relationship end, she tells me that i fucked it all up. I told her things she did that hurt me and how much i missed her (basically i pointed some flaws on our relationship).
I know you will tell me to move on from that pbb, but i don't even want her as my girlfriend anymore, i just want to be close to her and help her with her life. I haven't got the courage to ask someone if what i did was that much of a thing, but the guilt i feel has kept me hurting for 3 months after our break up. She doesn't care, she respond to my message, but when i tell her how much she matters to me, she just doesn't say anything. I don't want to live without her, but i'm trying to move on, since she has dreams and goals in life; i just hoped i mattered as much as she mattered to me. I'm sorry for the big text, and for using your comment as a way of venting. It's just that this pain just doesn't go away.
@@enidan_6383 I maybe able to relate her misguided feelings, she cares about you but feels she isn't good enough/ doesn't deserve you, she probably thought you were going to leave her so she beat you to it to save her ego death a little bit. It's purely a panic mode strategy, it's so confusing/frustrating/scary. She thinks she is doing you a favor so you can be happy with someone else, she is not wrong. This my experience, this is what went through my head pushing my ex away and letting her go was the best thing I ever did for her, she can be happy now. I hope you find happiness
You just described what happened to me too.
@@enidan_6383 Hope you are feeling some better now. Three months is not long to feel bad after a parting of the ways. That’s life. It hurts sometimes for everyone. Being human.
... just someone, anyone to be with...
Get out of my head.
It's been so rare, anyone would be with me, never asked out for a date. Rejected so much, you drop down to a point of... i'll take anyone and try to make them happy.
Wow. I literally just commented that after yours..I want to know if its possible to obsesse over someone, and also have them obsesse over you also. It feels like thats wat others around me have most of the time..but for me it seems so impossible. 😰
i have found animals and God to be my rescue. i have two friends that are close. but i try not to bother them very much because i am afraid i will chase them away. I have found cats to be comforting.
Dr Fox. I have BPD and I get such intense feelings for love for my FP (who is my ex who i still talk to) to the point i cry and physically hurt from the positivity (before it turns negative). Like the positive emotion starts to hurt me because its so intense. then it turns negative once I reach out and they dont reply. I constantly need someone around me or i feel empty.
This is the same as me! How do u know if what ur feeling is actually real, or if its just ur bpd showing itself??
Hi Dr. Fox, thank you for all that you do for people with BPD. I just started with a new therapist who hasn’t ever heard of BPD (I’m on Medicaid and don’t have access to great therapy resources near me). I tend to rewatch a lot of your old videos in hopes that they will help me get better since I don’t have great access to therapists. I’ve been dealing with this for over 10 years now and often find myself wondering if I will ever get better. I appreciate people like you who actually understand this disorder as well as how to treat it. You’re so knowledgeable and understanding. So thank you 🧡
maybe try showing the videos to your therapist! maybe they'll have a better understanding?
cv b great idea, thanks!
You are o phenomenonal Dr. Fox ! Love ur videos sir !!
????? The terapist doesnt know about bpd????? Agg frustrating...
A lot of low income folks only have access to psychologists & social workers, not psychiatrists who specialize in bpd. Not officially diagnosed (learn from yt). I'm in that sinking low income boat as well.
This is pretty accurate to how a lot of my relationships imploded. I've been this kind of obession in basically any relationship I've had. Having a relationship was the only thing I thought could make me feel truly whole. Although I didn't so much think I wasn't deserving as I wasn't meant to be loved. As I like the universe was conspiring to keep real love and happiness from me.
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To help with my BPD issues and PTSD issues, I write dark fantasies where the characters grow and evolve over time because they learn their own strengths. Thank you for this video-- I struggle with this, as does my love.
I was diagnosed with BPD and I have a husband for 10 years and I have been experiencing all this with him :D I think we are pretty good in understanding each other... he just doesn’t think my BPD is just doing itself, that i don’t have control over it, he thinks my brain picks up on things and then reacts to it by BPD episode. And the other day he came home from work, I had a meal for him and I go are you hungry? And he goes no thanks I ate at work... ok cool... I prepared it to the fridge and went outside with my kids and I was starting to have a BPD like “episode” just a black blanket over me 👉where I doubt the life- like really like why... when at the end of the day it’s all pointless, it’s not me being negative but try to be open minded and look at it from a perspective of a long living creatures on Earth for example... it’s nothing, the whole era of Homo sapiens sapiens is pointless.... 👈that’s my mindset... suddenly out of nowhere, just sad empty feelings and thoughts...and I am with my beautiful healthy kids and they’re happy and amazing and If I just didn’t pay attention to my thoughts and feelings I would be more appreciative to my family ♥️ and my husband was like it can’t be.... somebody had to reject you... and then we figured out that I started to feel emptiness right after he sad he is not going to eat what I have prepared for him... which logically I totally understand and I am not bothered BUT because somehow my brain can’t cope with rejection I subconsciously get this mindset... but I refuse to play the victim role!! I know I have to change myself and I’m trying the Wim Hof method now but... it’s Hard y’all😄 so cold! But I’m trying... We all do.. somehow right? Hehe okay, thanks for the video :-)
@Desmond Brown one of my coping mechanisms too! Really extremely social at work. I hear you.
That is excellent self-awareness!!! 👍
you don't have to believe all your thoughts and feelings, especially when they lead to you feeling empty or unworthy of the good things life has to offe
@@Svengalish0000 That is SO true.
@@Svengalish0000 I know! But it’s very rare for me to get back to MY Originals thoughts - so I can separate those from the bad ones. I just forget. As stupid and simple that sounds- I forget. I feel like I have been feeling this emptiness forever! I don’t remember anything happy because I don’t remember who I am. But I am working on it.... at least I try not to self harm :D thank you everyone for sharing and supporting each other!! We got this!
Wow, thank you so much for this video. You have put words to my voice and struggle. I am only just finding out about Borderline Personality Disorder. I also used to have strong urges to chase men, maybe because of my emotionally-absent father, so validation and attention was always something that had to be earned in my household and it came naturally for me to go seeking it in men.
Limerence would always set in and it always felt like it had a chokehold on me.
I checked myself into therapy after my compulsion to chase manifested a couple of years ago when I began to crush on a guy. We were acquaintances-turning-friends and he was opening up to me. But to me, it was just stressful - constant preoccupation/obsession/limerence, almost like an addiction! I was beginning to lose myself and my sense of judgement and perspective in trying to "win" him over and constantly looking for ways to do it. Needless to say, I was also hypervigilant in his treatment towards me - always keeping score, comparing notes, sizing him up. I wanted emotional intimacy but was also terrified of trusting him. This duality in me was making me miserable. Anything normal he did which did not include me in some way (like in the instance him passing me by in the hallway but not greeting me) would shoot massive levels of pain. As a result, I started to associate him with the problem and began to protect myself by avoiding him - for 2 months! I am embarrassed that it came to that. In this time, we became strangers to each other, we stopped talking/smiling/waving to each other in passing like we used to, thereby compounding my pain. After sorting myself out in therapy a bit, I re-established contact and he was so friendly towards me, like as if the 2-month gap had completely disappeared! I wish I had handled it better but didn't have the emotional maturity or the emotional vocabulary.
I am trying very hard to now treat him and myself with more respect - mostly through educating myself on these urges and compulsions I feel and their origin stories. I still find myself relapsing a bit - mostly in the trap of wanting him to reciprocate - but I feel like I have much more awareness now. I wish more therapists would combine those with BPD traits and their vulnerability to limerence. Mine didn't do it too well, most of it I got through my own research and reflection, and now it makes sense! Your video is the validation I've been needing. Thank you for all that you do!
Hey, how’s the situation now?
I listen to this one every single day. It recenters me and reminds me of how much sweeter life can be on the other side of this because I’m enough ❤️
It’s refreshing to see a mental health professional give a positive fact based report on BPD and BPD traits. It’s exhausting hearing that there’s no hope for cluster B folks or that we cannot improve. Particularly when these stigmas are perpetuated by mental health clinicians themselves. Thanks for your videos. It’s been difficult to see my therapist as frequently as I need to over the pandemic and these have been especially helpful for me personally.
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
Call it my bpd getting attached but I’m just so glad you’re still actively posting new videos. It means a lot to feel understood!
This is so true. It took me 5 years of therapy to finally overcome this, it's definitely possible
After being led on and then gaslighted, I’m glad I found this video.
Same. By person with NPD?
These videos are a service to those with BPD, which seems to be a misunderstood and underdiagnosed disorder. I so wish my mother could have heard your words. She truly suffered. Everything you say resonates fully with me regarding my mom. She is no longer here in body, but your explanations sure do help me. I am just glad she is in a realm where she can feel peace and have all the love and acceptance she could ever want. She lived for 78 years and was the sweetest, kindest person ever. She just had the fears, emptiness, and other symptoms you discuss. Not always, but enough to effect her life. To those watching and leaving comments, my heart is with you and I feel love for you because I know it is hard. Listen to the doctor and move forward slowly. You can do it. Best wishes for a peaceful life.
Thank you. I’m crying tears because …I’ve realized I’ve gone my whole life thinking I don’t deserve good things. I do. I’ve never realized that before. Thank you. Your work is changing my life.
Oooh..... I think you actually managed to explain to me why I broke up with my partner, becauee i couldn't understand it. I did sell myself out and self compromised so much that I started hating him when I didn't get back what I gave away. But it was too much. He couldn't never have given it all back, ever.
I definitely have love addiction, attracted to narcissist and emotionally unavailable men. If I understand BPD goes hand in hand with this.
Do you need help?
And that is why, because of limerence, so many persons with BPD fall in NPD person traps, and stay trapped!!
Can you explain
I received treatment with DBT and Dr Fox workbook, I would say I’m recovered now
BPD in my case stemmed from an invalidating environment as a child, untreated I would unconsciously seek out narcissists, emotionally unavailable men. If I could get them to just “love” me then I would know finally I was worthy of love. The love addiction part of is hard to explain, just a cycle of needing validation, especially from men, in my case sex, shallow relationships. The fantasy that I would finally be seen and “loved” when fantasy is never realized, you move on to the next, and the next. Never getting what I lacked as a child. It’s a horrific cycle. 12 steps helped me immensely
You have taught me so much!
I wasn't ready to hear "want to be in a relationship" vs. "need to be in a relationship." That hurts. That really hurts
how ?
The difference is if I need to be in a relationship, I'll compromise my values. If I want to be in a relationship, I can choose wether to stay if my partner does things that go against my values. I struggle with this
@@hyperchord This kind of mindset would leave you very empty in a relationship, just remember that you're two separate beings that still need to follow their personal desires, you just want to do it hand by hand. You don't have to sacrifice yourself, any amazing person would want their partner to be authentic, real and spontaneous.
@@kristines9855 Yes, I agree. It isn't even compromise that's needed. More like mutually enjoying your differences and each of you loving to make the other happy.
After watching this Video i relized i am on the BPD spectrum and having been bouncing myself out of my maladaptive patterns by myself. this makes sense why i felt my ADHD medication never did what it was supposed to. i turned to marjuanna to help stabilize these mood swings. ive used several spychedelics to help be introspective and relize i have fallen back into that spiral. i just told myself i cant do it alone i need professional help. in making this relization i cried out of happiness and self justification for alot of choices and cycles/loops ive been through.
Every video that you've made and release that I watch is like opening a door to recovery and growth that was previously inaccessible. Your content has helped me improve by leaps and bounds over the last few months and I've challenged many age old thoughts I held about myself.
It's given me things to discuss with my therapist too.
Ty, Dr. Fox. ❤
Same! Thank you Dr Fox - you have changed my life!
Absolute genius - thank you Dr Fox ❣️
This video was just what I needed, Dr Fox. So, thank you. Your sincerity really comes through.
i was diagnosed like two weeks ago and my god I never realized how many things were related to bpd
Dr Fox, I would go further than saying unsure that we're deserving of healthy love - it's far worse than that. It's shame - full-blown, soul-shattering, agonising shame. Ever since I was a young girl having her first crushes, I felt so incredibly ashamed to feel those things. I suffered with BPD from my early teens all through adulthood, only finally spotted by a doctor, diagnosed and treated at age 40. Now in full remission. 🙏
That’s wonderful and thank you for sharing your experience. I wish you all the best.
Thank you for talking about this in a way that shows compassion. I’m in a group therapy program where the instructors are very harsh in how they speak to others. They make me feel embarrassed and “silly” for being obsessed like this.
Thank You Dr. Fox for this video :)))
Thank you for all of your empowering insight, Dr. Fox!
These videos are always right on time and right on point. Thank you Dr. Fox.
Thank you for this video. As someone with bpd, I struggled with it and found no other sources of information for this particular problem.
I've been spiraling out of control during the BEST time of my life and set up a therapy appointment cause i can't take it anymore. Watching these videos is like youre talking directly to me. Thank you so much for you work ❤
Best time as in dating the person you feel obsessed with?
I couldn't wait to see this video and here it is! Thank you so much! :)
Amazing, accurate, relatable content as usual 😁 thank you, Dr. Fox
I have always had obsessive love ❤️ when it comes to relationships and now I know why! Omg 😳 😱 😆
I'm usually a quite listener but I just wanted to say that I'm truly truly thankful for your videos. I was diagnosed with bpd last year, but have to fight with it since at least 6 years. And your videos made me feel understood but also helped me with the fight. I also recently bought the bpd workbook and I'm so glad I did. It truly helped me to gather my mind around my problems with my bpd and how to work on it. Once again thank you so much for making videos and topics like these freely accessable.
Greeting from Germany!
This made me pretty emotional. I have to say, Dr. Fox has a brilliantly helpful channel I feel like I desperately needed to find.
my god you are genius dr. fox! thank you for these videos BPD world needs you.
Thank you for your content. It seems as though you have a sincere interest in helping others. I'm pretty sure I have BPD without cutting. My entire life i have been obsessed with whom ever I was with. They are burdened and I feel like I'm going to die without them. I was attending a BPD group but the person running it left before it was finished. I tried hanging in there with the new person but ended up stopping because she triggered me. I wasn't the only one either. It feels like all relationships are doomed 😕 thank goodness for doctors like you and med circle. You have helped more than you know 🙏
I honestly feel that the only way I can be happy is if someone loves me and I know it. Nothing fills me besides someone loving me cause that’s all I want.
Do you need help?
u have no idea how much u help me understand myself, i'm very thankful to you tysm
the way you describe exactly how I feel sometimes and put it into logic and words.. honestly Doc these videos make me feel not so abnormal and are reassuring and teach me a great deal of information about my illness, myself apart from it, and how I see and deal with the world, so thank u 🙏🏼
I really dig your videos, and I mean this with absolute respect, but the line "you want to eat that carrot of hope" was delivered with such genuine seriousness, I couldn't stop laughing.
That being said, I dealt with many of the symptoms your talking about, I have been in therapy for many years, had been misdiagnosed 4 times between the ages of 15 and 47. At 15, they said bi-polar, at 47, ADHD. Which changed my life, got on the correct meds, and "woke up", to a toxic marriage when it occurred to me that I would rather die than leave my abusive partner... because it would hurt her... suddenly the absurdity of that thought, cracked open an understanding in me. I had to learn to love myself.
I was 48 years old. Since then, I ended my marriage, and made a commitment to not get into a relationship until I was solid in my own self appreciation. I have adopted a policy of radical accountability, with a very healthy dose of self compassion. I have embraced my work in progress status. For the record, CBT, learning about neurology (it's helpful in so far as better understanding how neurology effects perception and behavior, allowing a little bit of "clinical distance", which in turn makes it easier to deal with the old shame) and mindfulness practice, I have busted through a
Ot of old faulty beliefs, distortions, and biases.
I understand BPD is generally a function of childhood abuse and neglect. And, that it runs on a spectrum. Is it possible to "break through"? I haven't been officially diagnosed, and , I have generally, as an adult, even when I have become emotionally disregulated, been able to verbalize, fairly clearly, my feelings, and not "act them out", even if the impulse was strong. Granted, since treating the adhd, it rarely happens, unless there has been undo stress (divorce, pandemic)... is it possible that while working on myself via therapy and constructive self reflection, that I could have "broken through"? I'm headed into my 50th year in a couple of months, and I can say without a doubt that I love myself. And I'm totally cool with being a work in progress. I am working actively to make discomfort my "safe space", as it's become apparent, a tolerance for discomfort in this life is key to, not just outlook, but physical health. I'm a realist, not a person of faith. So I practice radical acceptance. Which, in a way made my path a bit more challenging, as I do not believe that life has an essential meaning, that it's up to the individual to decide what their life means. Also, I have worked to shift my perspective, by exploring every time I feel discomfort.
I’m going through this right now and it is very painful and confusing. I can’t tell if my bargaining in my relationship is a positive attempt to evolve the relationship or an attempt to self-sabotage/self-destruct. Thank you so very much. You words are like Angels. I can’t wait to order your workbook this week. Need to break “The Spin”.
Hi doc! I finally bought your ebook! V excited to start reading it. Hope to see more of your videos, much love!! ❤️
Thank you for sharing your knowledge and kindness. I find your videos very helpful.
Wow, I'm exhausted just listening to this (highly informative) video. The more I learn about BPD, the more my heart aches for the indviduals who suffer from it (even though I know some of them sometimes do horrible and genuinely harmful things to others). I can't imagine having to deal with this kind of thinking day in and day out, year after year. I respect that small percentage who stick with this work for the many years it often takes to develop healthier thinking and coping patterns.
Yep it’s tough. I have two narcissistic parents so there was no hope for me tbh
@@Alex-kk8is I only had one (mom). I cannot imagine that doubled. I can't. Narcissists shouldn't be able to have children. They can't love...they can't empathize.
@@le_th_ my mum only had children to lock my dad in as he is a doctor. She abandoned me as soon as I turned 18. I cut my dad off after that because when I asked him to care for me he replied “I should never have had kids”
Fun times!
@@Alex-kk8is Yes, that sounds like narcissists. It seems they don't think about what it takes to "raise" children until AFTER they have them. Sometimes I think they say the "I should've never had children" phrase because they're pandering for you to soothe their narcissistic injury by lying and telling them what a great parent they've been.
@@Alex-kk8is That's heartbreaking. My mom said what your father did, but she softened it a bit with a "maybe I should've never had children" and she was correct, but her oldest was over 40 by then, so decades too late.
I'm sorry you also go stuck with personality disordered parents. It is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, that's for sure.
Genious! Best description of the relationship between BPD and Limerence I have ever seen! Would be good to elaborate further, especially the part related to compulsive obsessions. Another interesting thing to explore would be if there is a relationship between BPD and homosexuality (I know it is a controversial topic, but I am curious of Dr Fox’s personal observations on it).
You are seriously a genius. Amazes me how you get it more than I do. How you are able to put an articulate description to these horrible jumbled confusing feelings. Thank you.
this was worth a million freaking dollars doc - I can't not believe how EXACT you are with where I am at.
This was exactly the situation I was in. His thoughts drove us apart. Being rejected again and again confused me. It was like a roller coaster ride.
Thank you for this very enlightening video😊
I’m so glad you found this helpful. Be well
Another great vid!
I am so relieved that I have stumbled across this man ...he absolutely understands BPD and his knowledge and compassion is wonderful
Thank you for this video, Dr Fox. It helps make sense of what I am going through and for once I don't want to jump into another relationship
This is the video I’ve been waiting for! Thank you! As someone with bpd who was recently in a relationship with someone who I believe also has bpd, the breakup has been really challenging. Your videos have been an excellent source of distraction and many other coping skills. I feel helpless, but I know I’m not helpless. Thank you for educating others and being a beacon of light for those of us suffering.
Do you need help?
Dr. Fox you are so knowledgeable and soothing, you have inspired me to start looking at myself, my behaviors and patterns. I just received your workbook in the mail and am looking forward to begin the process with your guidance. I’m also actively looking for a local therapist. So thank you for being so passionate about bpd which so negatively affects so many of our lives.
Gloribelle Hernandez,hope you are with a better man cause you are too precious!
This man is amazing with this i felt like i was being talked to not complained about it also helps me want to get started or trying better
I sobbed watching this, i've never felt so understood. This gave me alot of hope.
I’m trying to find out if there was a BPD National Hotline, staffed by people who understood BPD, not only a Suicide Hotline, would they call it? You could talk with someone who would really listen and care and understand what you were talking about. I’m trying to get some doctors we all know who already are helping people with personality disorders. If you like my suggestion, please leave a yes or no reply or more of a detailed comment on what you would find helpful. Thank you for your help with this, Dr. D. Fox has inspired me to help others. My goal is that there would be zero cost involved to call in. Let me know what you think!
@@loveya601 Great I’ll keep that in mind for a resource that would be needed, It that can be so hard to find a good therapist, good insight.
Is this a thing yet
@@suburbancasualty No, apparently I've been told there are enough "warm lines" to help the people with BPD, or the National Suicide Prevention Hotline however, we need to talk to someone for longer than 7 minutes. Most places I've talked to about starting it up never return my calls. So, it's on the backburner for now, sorry.
Hello from Canada. Here to better understand my daughter who can’t seem to get away from abusive boyfriend. Recently, she ended up in PICU for 2 weeks due to psychosis brought on by trauma with boyfriend’s very calculated and systematic abuse over eight-month period. She’s an adult, now living with us while recovering, but we cannot get her away from him. So very afraid he is going to have her back in psychosis (paranoid, nihilistic and cow grass delusions). So very scary. Look forward to watching this vid.
Dear db rose, that must be a horrible situation, I hope you will find a way to cope with the situation. The fact that she is an adult probably doesn't make things easier. Stay strong! Sending love from Germany to Canada.
I hope that you and your daughter are able to find psychiatric help that is validating and useful for both of ya'll. That's a very tough situation. Please keep loving your daughter and giving her validation that she is worthy of real love and care and not abuse. I'm so sorry you and yr family are watching her go through this.
How she doing now?
@@ALGARIC Horribly. Three years ltr, and it’s like she has dementia, at 30 y/o. She needs 24 hr care with us-her father and I, plus PSW’s and nurses who come in. Over half dozen neurologists in all sorts of specialties, and nobody knows what’s going on with her. Now, seizures. I believe that part of the problem is neurotoxicity from the drugs she was first put on, but trying to get anyone to look at that is like pulling teeth. Thank you for asking how she is.
@@melinaburkhardt421 thank you
I am so glad I found this channel, you understand what's going on in me more than I do. I got to the point where it was too much, I couldn't do it anymore. It was hurting me too much and wasn''t fair for anybody else either. I've suffered alone in silence for 15 years now.
I loved this one, Dr Fox! I have been able to positively change certain triggers in my life, but the romantic ones are still very present. This was so helpful, thank you!
Thank you, Dr. Fox, for all these videos on bpd. They, and obviously you, have helped me better understand myself, and as such have given me a better chance at a long life with my disorder
I feel the opposite right now. Someone likes me a lot but I'm so scared of getting hurt again that I'm not able to give him a chance. He's trying so hard and all I can think of is that I'll be hurt, left behind, betrayed, treated badly and I'll lose everything including myself.
@@ItisI_B I can understand that..
Let's give love a new chance.
This man understands me, thank you ❤️
Wow thank you so much for this video. It has really put everything into context
I've lived with bpd since a teenager I feel like I don't know who I am and have failed in every relationship I have had. I put entirely too much thought into the what ifs in life that I have accomplished nothing I feel I only exist to suffer as I simply cannot let go of my bad memories..life feels so hopeless... I can't fathom a way to correct the way think and act it sounds impossible. I always seem to come off abrasive when speaking to others. I don't think I'm rude but instead brutally honest and some can't handle it. it feels as if the emptiness has consumed me. I just want to know what true happiness feels like I fear that day may never come
Hi Dr. Fox, firstly I want to thank you for every you do 🙏🏻 i want to ask, could you make a video for people with BPD who are struggling with the break up of a toxic relationship? Thank you so much ❤️
Good topic!
Dr.fox thank you for your knowledge. I pray you are sharing this with other professionals 🙏 your time is appropriated
Thanks for this FANTASTIC video!!!! Superb content and presentation l!!! 👏
You perfectly explained something I’ve experienced too often with my BPD. Very interesting and informative ❤️
Thanks for this! My 16yr old daughter is BPD and deals with this exact issue. She obsessed over a boy who told her so many kind ways that he was just a friend, and finally resulted in a nearly successful suicide attempt (10 ICU visit and 5mth residential treatment with intensive DBT). She was out for 3mths and met a new boy who explained he was just a friend and it broke her (had a psychosis episode where she created a husband and family in her mind) and ended in another hospitalization. Thanks for making these videos that can help those of us who love someone with BPD as it's often hard to understand what she is thinking and feeling.
Keep up the good work! 💜
I'm here in Houston and wonder if you can recommend any parent resources that educate us on how to keep the kills going and communicate in ways that won't set our kiddos off or make them feel that our trying to explain that a relationship may just be friends is not us trying to steal their joy??
Hi, how’s she doing now?
Thank you!! This is just what I was looking for
This was what I needed. Can't wait to talk to my therapist and psychologist. Tysm