How to Overcome Obsessive Love Disorder (Conference on Neuropsychiatry and Mental Health 2023)
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- Опубліковано 5 вер 2024
- Keynote Speaker in the 7th Edition of International conference on Neuropsychiatry and Mental Health” held on May 25th -26th, 2023 in London, UK.
Underlying obsessive love are bad object introjects with automatic negative thoughts like “I don’t deserve better”, fantasy defense (“s/he is the perfect match for me”), and catastrophizing (“I will never find such a perfect match again”).
It is a form of trauma bonding.
It is a reenactment of early childhood conflicts (mommy issues) or later life conflicts with parental figures (daddy issues).
Obsessive love is an addiction. Do not rush from one addiction to the next.
Obsessive love is a religion: it makes sense of the world, of your life, and of your behaviors. Find other sources of meaning.
Make a list of all the bad memories and read it aloud three times a day.
Go total no contact, no social media stalking.
Imagine them with others.
Find and Buy MOST of my BOOKS and eBOOKS in my Amazon Store: www.amazon.com...
I have destroyed my life because I am exactly this way. It has ruined my life! I’ve had 2 very long relationships in my life but it began before I even became an adult. My whole life has been centered around my partner. I hope to God anyone reading this, gets help before destroying themselves. Trust me it’s not worth it. Love yourself first!!
I did the same thing. Ruined my life focused on a psychopath. I didn’t have any of this knowledge as to why I couldn’t get away. I had no clue I had a mental disorder. Hugs 🤗 your way ❤
How do I get the help I need?????
My aunt just tried to commit suicide the other day over a man yesterday she woke up and still all she cares about is him it’s brave of you to understand who you are and who you hurt with this disorder all I got to say is never hold a man above your own life and the people who actually love you
It’s compulsive self-destruction and u are correct normally people with obsessive love are obsessed with a psychopath or a narcissist. Re-living childhood anxious ambivalent attachment. Incredibly depressing.
This is really true, by experience I got obsessed with a narcissist for over a year and it is a really exhausting experience...
I have no idea how to stop myself. I don't wanna let go because I genuinely love some of the people I become obsessed with and I don't want to hurt them or push them away but I can't continue to live like this.
I was and i am like this. The solution is to find meaning in your life. Spend your energy on something else, work, exercise, study, and grow...
This video has done more for me than YEARS of therapy. Eye opening. Yes, I uncovered some repressed trauma. But thank you for showing me where this obsession, that I've struggled with for 20 years, is coming from.
Harley Quinn and Joker Syndrome. It's not a relationship I wouldn't want to be in again. These types of relationships take " I will ride or die for you" to another level.
I love this guy, he deserves more views
This video confirms everything. This is exactly my problem. I’m sick of living to want to die. This video is basically a self-description.. :-(
me too
@user-pg4jw2qd3h it’s such a comfort I struggle to let it go.
Thanks sir as teenager it had been so much helpful
Please do more videos on this subject. I always get obsessed with my partner. I can't stop think about them all day. Whenever I let them go they reach out 😂💔 cycle repeats.
This video was so profound that I felt the need to type the ending out to myself for a reference that I will go back to over and over. Thank you professor. Your work is life changing for the lost and weary! I’ve learned more from crash courses on your channel than in any therapist setting combined to the tenth degree.
Synchronicity. Last night, I was doing EMDR to resolve my obsession with finding someone since I was four years old. Trying to resolve the tension of wanting to be loved by someone, but also fearing being abused by someone. It was helpful -- I was surprised by what a hold it had over me. I was convulsing, shaking, and laughing like Joker. I am nowhere near as obsessive now.
I’ve had this experience twice and the last one was far worse than the first. I have made it through, leaving the past behind and incorporating all of the lessons learned and creating a healthy reality for myself. This obsessive love is capable of destroying your very essence and I’ve found that not putting any energy towards the person is what helped me personally. This includes thoughts, social media and absolute no contact. Doing this takes commitment to overcome and lots of patience with yourself. It can be done-perseverance and awareness are key.
Thank you for the video.
Thank you for this heartbreaking, highly important educational video. Unfortunately I can relate to anything you say. I am a survivor of a psychopath sadistic mother who abused me in any possible way, and I am in no contact with my biological extremly toxic family. Now I understand what I was looking for, unconsciously- to die and vanish in another person. I always felt that my relationships gave me meaning to life. I was willing to go through hell, to extreme abuse just to get this merging feeling.To feel the mother love I have never received. The bad object program is something I highly recognise. Thank you for explaining and helping me heal. I definitely don't want this anymore
My situation is hell ..I was /am obsessive with a narcissist man ...I was in hell pain everyday for 2.3 yrs n even now have that trauma..I beg for death everyday just to get free m from mental jail n hell pain ..where everyday I was seeing death n finding myself in darkness...
I hope your doing okay now 🙏🏽
🙏😭
I'm better being single. I have borderline personality disorder, and came from a abusive home life. I run into narcissist who lie about everything abuse me. I go no contact for 6 months finally I feel way better. I need alot of help before next relationship.
Great video and advice Professor. I cut ties emotionally, feeling so much better being with my pet and listening to you.
Same😊
This is the first, the most interesting and accurate explanation of the obsessive love phenomena roots that I have heard.
Thank you so much. I watched this crying. Your videos have been so helpful in my healing. My narcissist was also a sociopath . Who abused me in everywY you can abuse a person. When you said that obessive love is regression to childhood trauma or abuse . I finally got it. I was sexually abused by my father as a child but have no memory due to my age and my brain blocking the memories of it. I attracted a man to me who was drugging me with GHB and raping me. I never realized the similiarities. He even had me call him daddy. This is so sick i feel like throwing up right now. I have been traumatized and sexually abused again but cant remember anything cuz of the drug used. The patterns we have in our lives i realize are bound to repeat themselves unless we do the work to heal ourselves
Prof. Dr. Vaknin... 😊 You are something else 🙏 ❤️ Thank you, thank you and thank you for all you do 🙏
You are a light in the darkness Professor Vaknin. Thank you for your wisdom & for reminding us to be kind to ourselves.
I have an amazing story for you Sam! I may write it up and send it to you. I feel like it's a beautiful story of growth and health, but it would be interesting to see if you agree. I'm 52 and 2 years ago started listening to you and survived leaving a 3 year relationship with a narcessist/psychopath and is been 2 years free and love life. The last year of growth is very related to how I got out of unhealthy love through a platonic best friend with extremely ridged boundaries and for the first time in life allowed me to experience a totally different kind of love. In my obsessive love, there was not the infliction of pain on my partner. More allowing imprisonment of my soul to the point I'm thankful to be here.
@Jenny Kelter sort of, but that is just one aspect, and I am still very cautious trusting exactly what I'm feeling when I do feel intense emotions. I am at the point where I have self-imposed rules to stop and really dive into where they come from and if they are valid in the aspect of, is this something I should want for good reason that supports positive growth and I can manage or coming from an unhealthy place or false sense of desire. So the role my friend has played in that growth is hard to explain in a short paragraph, but he is an extremely structured and self disciplined individual. Although we were both attracted to each other, he was at a time and still is that his desire is to focus on his children and not a committed relationship, but that said we just happened to have a ton in common so he has been someone that "kept our friendship at that" without ever crossing a boundary to more. A large part of healing has come from that, along with a very, very slow but absolute consistency in showing up. I have had many, many moments I struggled in my head with why he didn't want more even though my chief complaint in life was with men that wouldn't get to know me without being demanding of a physical relationship within the first month of knowing each other (you can't possibly "know" each other in that amount of time). So I don't know if all this makes sense, but I just expected that, without that, he would disappear. He hasn't. We started out pretty formal friends meeting to practice ju jitsu, over time enjoyed chatting about life in general and experiences, and we now see each other an hour or two every day and are best friends. That consistency has allowed me to see that what I understood as love and wanted (the omg you are so amazing ooh lala) was an internal mechanism that doesn't reflect truly appreciating who you are or what you see in someone else. It allowed me to experience deep connection and emotional intimacy that is beautiful. And to be fully transparent I would say yes in a heartbeat if he ever decided to grow old with me, but this time has pushed me to love myself enough to know if he disappeared I'd be okay. I'd miss him for sure, but I don't desire false love any longer. I do miss physical connection, but not at the expense of my emotional well being. So who knows. In 10 years, I plan to live on the road with my horses, and it would be beautiful if my friend joined me, but I love myself enough to love the adventure either way 😊❤
I can relate to you, @Succulent Life
The strong boundaries are key. It has elements of good therapy. It enabled me, for the first time to know what love feels like. When someone will accept your giving (as you understood about sex), but will be a friend.
You learn that real love cannot be purchased or bartered for..Love is simply given in full acceptance of you *just the way you are*. Love is a gift without strings.
Over time, I learned to love myself... And after an even longer time, learned how to give the same kind of love in return.
I'm not all 'fixed' - definitely still a work in progress...
But now I have the map to healing from the abuse of the early years.
@@succulentlife3343 , I hope you find my response on this page..
@IHadAToughTeacher I'm glad you have been able to see something similar. I don't know if we are ever 100%. At times it feels like it and then you see more depth in how you can keep being a better version of you as well as helping other people find their light.
I'm also a psychiatric patient . My illness is called BAD( Bipolar Affective Disorder )
I never come across this type of psychiatric illness .
What I wanna say , this is the first time I run across of the article or discussions of this year type of illness .
But , due to the discussion which is touching the issue of psychiatry , I read your article till the end .
THANKS .
I love that advice! to write the bad stuff and "only" the bad stuff! As long as you can!
You are a gift mr. Vaknin. Thank you again and again.
6:20 “You just want to shut, close your eyes, and go into eternal sleep and what better cradle than your intimate partner. This is the true character of obsessive love: is a suicide act, is about dying together.”
Wow, you just explained my life. Right down to the waiting before jumping back into another trauma bond. My no-contact ex told me that if we can’t be together in this life, we’ll be together in the next life… those words will haunt me forever.
Mine said, "You think we have this big connection, but we don't."... Those words came from my so-called twin flame, and we never talked again!
@@Tom-cp6yj narcissists adopt the twin flame thing. To give u false hope. They aren’t in anyway your twin flame. Nor will they ever be.
Wow…Mine pretty much said that too. Something like together in the next life.
Thank you for your words at the end, it's nice to hear!
I never experienced obsessive love. I never experienced love to be honest 😂 It's very interesting listening to all this, it's like the description of another planet.
Well obsessive love isn’t love anyway it’s a fantasy. I haven’t experienced real love either.
It's not good brother. I do not wish it on anyone. Just forcibly getting myself out of one. It's only been like 10 days but it feels like weeks have passed. Can't sleep, break down randomly to the point that I'm on my knees or on a ball(heh, like the fetus position, coincidentally) COMPLETELY incapacitated, I've only eaten 2 real meals, it feels like a fever and I've actually gotten myself physically ill. I wake up feeling like I've gotten beaten up. My whole body feels swollen.
Consider yourself very fortunate to not experience this
It can be "real" love, people walk into these situations from death of a loved one, regret, ;all can trigger obsession or fixation.
Just what I needed to hear right now, thanks once again Sam. Your book was amazing too!
Professor Vaknin, thank you.
Thank you Prof Vaknin. I needed this today. Love to you
This was so incredibly helpful Sam thank you. I’m finding it so so incredibly painful. I feel like there’s hardly any point of going on without the validation or ‘love’ from this malignant narc. I hope this pain passes. 5 months no contact and still so hard .
Yes I feel like this rn. Very depressed and alone. And empty.
Hey. Well wishes. Love everything, including yourself.
Спасибо!!! Слушаю Ваши лекции - превосходно!!! Это уровень, которого достигают только российские профессора!!! очень высокого уровня речь и текстовый формат..
Love the topic ❤ more of recovery and moving forward!!!
Thank you so much for such a great message! I needed it so badly as my life is in a big mess and collapsing because of loving my narcissist partner. I felt like you were talking directly to me. Appreciate you taking the time to make those UA-cam videos. Forever a fan of your ❤
The best video yet, going to rewatch everyday
Thank you professor
You are so smart. You could only know that much about it if you've been through it. I am the ultimate example of this. Seriously...you should write a book about it. We'd shock the Crapola outa u
Thank-you Dr. Vaknin ! right in the nick of time before my next obsession!! Doing that evaaaaael list!! ❤
This talk had a profound effect 🏆
Thanks for posting this great video! 👏
Thank you professor...kindly make another video shedding more light on this topic of obsessive love and recovery
Thank you, Professor Vaknin. I went through hell with my ex covert narcissist and to still have him lodged in my psyche two years after I incurred his wrath by walking out on him, is pure hell. To hear you say "you deserve true love" really means a great deal. After all, you are my favourite introject 😉
NO NO NO! DO NOT REPEAT ALL THOSE NEGATIVE PATTERNS. ITS AFFIRMATIONS THAT STAYS IN YOUR MIND AND ARE PRGORAMMING YOU TO ATTRACT IT.
DO THE OPPOSITE AND ATTRACT WHAT YOU WANT! PURE SELF-LOVE! PURE KINDNESS!
Of course it's good to be aware of certain behaviours but DO NOT manifest those patterns in a person.
MANIFEST WHAT YOU WANT!
Thank you, Sam. That was something many of us needed to hear.
Yeah I recognise my self. Thank you so much Dear Professor..
Meditation and nothingness.reading books are helping me. Thank you so much Dear Professor.
Thank u sir
So many things to do in the future
To move on
I am happy now
And see the future
The future is exciting
And easy
And free
And like the sky open
Thank u sir
It’s open
My mind is open again
And empty and easy going
Life is joyful again
And easy
It’s not hard
It’s ok
Things will get better
And be easy going
Gentle
It’s nicer this way
It’s much easier and easy going
A breath of fresh air
I can breath again
:)
To breath is good
,,,, ,
,
I love you , Vaknin….. in a good sense of the words
Brilliant, genius! This explains my absolute insanity perfectly.
😔😔 if there was a way to empty the archive of stored information on specific people in my brain, trust me you, it would happen in an electrical impulse.
Journal the journey.
Try meditation.
Bravo!!
הסרטונים הכי מעניינים ביוטיוב ❤❤❤
Thankyou.
You're so right. After coming out of it I feel empty and life seems colorless. Hobbies, gardening?.. 🥱
Thanks Professor 👏
Thank you 🩷🩷
Thank you.
So so deeeep❤thank you very much🎉
this hit kind of hard for me..
Baby seal❤
Thank you so much
Thank you Sam...I needed to hear this. Bless you x
Chasing the sweet, sweet dopamine dragon...
Needed to hear this.... thank you for your advice.
How can Dr Vaknin come up with such deep and detailed insights in every video (and he has numerous long videos )😮
Wow! Powerful!
This was amazing !!!!! What a insightful speech 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Take time
Take time
Thank you so much, Sir!
Amazing advice at the end, thanks Sam!
My wife recently decided that she is done with this relationship. She gave me hundreds of chances for four years and I kept treating her poorly and feeding into my alcohol addiction. Lately I have been tracking her, I have been obsessing over what she is doing, who she is with, and I just cant get it out of my head. I feel hopeless and lost. I feel like I am a psycho. I dont want to be this way anymore. I keep begging her for reassurance and I know I have a problem. I need to fix my self.
Good luck … you are on the right track with this post. Get rid of your fantasy life and do your best to live in reality.
Meditation and CODA might help!
Learn to love yourself
Gracias doc
That's why I'm alone.
Gracias Doctor.
This worryingly sounds like myself
youre right.
I am so critically dangerously depressed because this girl that I absolutely love is not with me... I see no good way out
I believe that I have a borderline personality disorder.
🙌🏾…..Thank you!!!
I've been struggling with this for over a decade but it has worsened in the past year. It has made my life miserable
Lol I love your intros!
Oh God, I am borderline AF.
I fell in love with a girl at work. Even tho she had a BF it wasn't going well with him and she told me she had thought about having sex with me. I did not agree at first but I became obsessed with her even when things with her BF were going better. Now I know what I have... I want to be free of it. I don't want to be obsessed like that but at the same time it's hard to not see her because I work with her.
What if love is unrequited?
What if 2 people are obsessively in love with each other and in other ways nevermind the ways of feeling in an autistic person as having a long endurance relationship like that is beautiful if painful.
Please tell us if you come to Paris (France) :)
Inability to put an end to It! Difficult situation, being sucked in a black hole. Death Wish, self loathing sindrome. You want to let go Life...and go in eternal sleep, It Is about dying together. Bad object introjects,cause bad thoughts. Dantean hell! A scene of mutual torture, hurting each other...Obsessive love Is a form of hatred and a form of fantasy defense, It Is underlined by a shared fantasy. Egodistonic things... falling in love for the way you are loved. Trauma bonding! Intermittenti reinforcement. Regressing in childhood... Obsessive love Is addictive..do not rush in another relation. Create a job description for the next partner. Do not transition from One sickness to another. From One addiction (alcool Eg) to another. Find new sources of meaning etc. Make a list of all the bad memories and ready aloud It. How bad and sick this love was. Go no contact! 26 strategies, do not stalk him/her. Imagine your partner with other people to cause bad memories. This Is the most Extreme form of obsession. Love yourself but do not love yourself through someone whose love Is only self love.😊
19/1/23.
Pls help me 😢 . I am not the one with the OLD. Its my bf . I want to get out of the relationship but im afraid he might harm me
Is it possible for Parents to be obsessed with their kids ( I truly mean daughters) thnx.
Professor is codependency has the same kind of love ? Especially the kind who is reminiscent to borderline ? Or is it different ?
Search the comorbidities playlist.
This is me…. but does this happen after being abused / constant intermittent reinforcement etc… Coz I was never like this… Imagining him having sex with others when I thought it was our special thing has caused PTSD nightmares n I can’t deal with anything sexually related… I have numerous illness’ n I can’t step out over my front door with agoraphobia … I’m a shell of who I once was n have aged 20 years 😢😢😢😢😢
Wow. I can completely relate to you. I hope things get better for you because it is so hard after a relationship like this
@@rachelwyatt6030 thank you 😊 xxx
Is the act of cheating solely for the offender Dr? What benefit is it for them when it isn’t caught by the victim?
Listen again.
I think im baby seal
I am facing a person who has obsessive love disorder on me I have no feelings for that person
How do I deal with the person
Just accept the person and give love too much surely he will help u
I believe that love is a beautiful thing but if it is selfish than it is wrong..
I feel this to my core. Obsessive love is the very reason I want to stay single for a very long time. Its been 7 months of being single (unheard of for me, yay BPD😂) and my friends urge me to sleep with someone new but I'm afraid I will fall in love... I'll just stay in my lane instead 🥹🤣🫡
💯
Thank you Prof