I saw a TikTok a while ago of a girl whose boyfriend would act like this, and she just started going along with it. For example, he "accidentally" bleached some spots of her favorite black dress, so when he had a family event, she wore it. He asked if she was really going to wear it because it looked messy, and she said she understands that accidents happen and that she really loved the dress. When he did the dishes, he placed the cups and bowls facing up in the dishwasher and they filled with dirty dishwater. She then took them out, dumped the water into the sink, and served him his food. When she cooked for a work party of his, she asked him to refrigerate it after it cooled down, but he never did, and it was left out all night. She said it was fine and it'd probably be okay to eat since there was only a little meat in it. He got frustrated and said you can't serve meat if it's been left out overnight, even if it's just a little. He stopped being lazy after he realized she was totally fine with leaving stuff done badly and he'd be living with it.
I was a cashier at a grocery store. A couple and their teenage daughter came through my line with a very large cartful of groceries, and the mom and daughter started putting items from the cart onto the belt, and the mom appeared to be wearing a wrist brace, too. She said to her husband, who was just standing idly by, "Would you stop just standing there?" and he was like "I just don't know how you guys do it!" very defensively, as if this was a very good argument. So I piped up in absolute disbelief, "You don't know how to pick up an item from the cart and set it down on the belt?" He immediately got red in the face and started helping his wife and daughter unload the cart while the two of them laughed at him. When you force them to see how stupid some of this shit sounds in a public setting, it might start to actually sink in.
Do you have some disfunction Sr.? Do you need a doctor? You don't seem to have motor disorder but I don't know better. We can call an ambulance since you are so so soooo incapable 😊
@@esavvysavokiii1277Oh, that's okay! Thanks for asking. No, it isn't sarcasm. Not enough people call out these bad faith actors. We as a society need to hold them accountable to their bad behavior. Keep doing what you do!
@@pnpgutterfold Honestly I think I was just so drained that my filter stopped working, otherwise I wouldn't have said anything. I'm just glad I didn't get in trouble for it lmao
When I got married (I'm getting divorced now at 28 years old) the officiant said something that stuck with me, it's not 50/50, it's 100/100. And I think more couples need to internalize that. I was putting in 100 and he was barely doing 25.
Doubt it. You hear a lot about how someone was doing their all for their useless partner. Most of the time when you actually hear elaborations the one who did everything actually didnt do that much and the useless partner did more than you were told. Sorry but I doubt you were putting in 100 while he was putting in 25. Most likely you were putting in 100 on things that he didnt value and not doing any of the things he actually values and vice versa. Or just willfully ignoring what the other party did to not have to view yourself as bad.
That's when they start playing resentment chicken - wife replaces stuff with more and more expensive items each time husband breaks stuff until one of them breaks out of frustration.
Pretty sure it’s worth it for these men coz the things they break are almost never expensive, just really inconvenient to deal with. A few broken plates doesn’t cost much to replace and now he never has to wash dishes again. Its tactical
My thoughts exactly. As a cheap ass mf, my mind is absolutely boggled that someone would decide to waste his own money for the sole purpose of forcing his wife to do everything. Like that just sounds like straight up evil behavior. No other word does it for me. That's just plain evil.
This happened to me once. Dad washed the dishes wrong and left food crust on the plate, then refused to cook saying how i cook better (only daughter). Mom wasnt in the country. So i served him food on the crusty plates and dirty cups with undercooked noodles in front of other family members(aunties and garnmama, who i invited). I made a show how I a 16 y/o was so greatful that my dad helped around the house and how i cooked food for the first time even though dad was the one who was supposed to cook. Gran tore him a new one. Never bothered me again. Women, when it is safe to do so. Be petty and dont let them save face.
@@viperreal9184 Sure, but they are also advocating for others to follow their lead. "Women, when it is safe to do so. Be petty and don't let them save face" I realize I wasn't specific before, but that is what my original comment was about. About not continuing the cycle of weaponized incompetence. I'd rather people be communicative about their feelings than passive aggressive. I get it, op was a literal child when this happened, but now as adults can we not come up with something better than an eye for an eye?
The difference between “mens tasks” vs “woman’s tasks” is changing a tire or building a table are not that common, meanwhile womens tasks are weekly things if not daily. If you have to change a tire as much as i do laundry you’re doing something wrong
Exactly! It’s crazy how a lot of these men are able to do all this when they’re single tho. Funny how getting into a relationship suddenly lobotomizes them
@@bluchismoon well their mom's don't come with them during college(talking about male college students staying in dorms) so they DO know how to cook, clean, do laundry only when they think its essential. But yep if not for staying away from mommy, they always run back to mommy for basic tasks.
@akrika7823 They're dudes who pack all of their dirty clothes give them their mother to wash whenever they visit. #NoAllMen obviously but the fact that those people exist is sad. Especially considering that you don't need some deep knowledge to do it nowadays. Sort them by black, colored, white, check if some don't need hand wash, add a tide pod, set a temperature (30° is usually surprisingly enough) and that's all With trial and error an average man should be able to learn this great skill
@@bluchismoon Too true, my ex partner had to get me to show him how to clean a toilet at 26, truly thought you just put some liquid in and it cleans itself "like on TV"
watching this as a 13 year old has made me realize that i use weaponized incompetence sometimes without trying to i'm just really oblivious and i should work on that so should my father because we both love my mom
This is such an important trait that so many people never learn. Being able to look at yourself, who you are, your behaviours, and think "that's not okay" and fix it. Absolutely amazing that you've figured it out at such a young age and are growing as person as a result
This is fairly normal for a preteen/young teen. You are just now at an age where you are supposed to grow out of it. So don't blame yrself too much. Yr dad however... that's a bit weird.
Because they were served and doted on their entire lives by mommy dearest and developed a standard that is only afforded to the wealthiest in society, a group who don't need to worry about these things because they have servants and maids to do all of this work for them (their mom served the same role). They aren't rich kids most of the time, however, and when faced with the reality that they'll need to make major sacrifices (what are just normal expectations for the average person) in a relationship, they refuse and push back, because to them such a life is beneath them. They are people who lived in Plato's Penthouse throughout their developmental years, a facade created by their mother, and then had to walk out into the real world where mommy couldn't shelter them anymore. Now they want to go back and their wives won't let them.
@@hoathanatos6179 I'd like to add to this by saying that these men could have also noticed their own dads lazing around while their moms worked and think that's the norm. So they haven't had to learn basic life skills cause their moms did it for them and they think they don't have to learn them ever cause their fathers didn't.
My dad hated how my mom folded the laundry, and eventually she told him to just do it himself. He's been doing the laundry for 20 years now. He also has a specific system for loading the dishwasher. Weaponized competence
my friend has a mom thats obsessed with a specific system of separating clothes for laundry, unloading, handing and folding, and because of that her dad never does any laundry anymore. but it doesn’t end there, and the dad has essentially become dependent on the mom, unintentionally…
True words. My wife struggles with washer/dryer, folding clothes, doing the dishes by hand, putting dishes properly and orderly in the dishwasher, cleaning hairs in bathroom (yuck!), and a host of other things. She has not read instruction manuals, done intense UA-cam searches, monitor Reddit groups, etc. Nonetheless, I like doing it for her and I will “nag” when she tries to be proactive. Yes, I have OCD and I occasionally will redo what so does. I try to stay away from cooking. Got to have limits. She is of the school to clean after cooking not while cooking! And her food safety is less than desirable. Eek. I need Xanax. Re weaponized incompetence, I find a lot relates to unfair standards. I feel women face more pressure to be perfect due to patriarchy and their own peer group. Men on average do not feel the same desire for perfection. Honestly doing these tasks are not topics of discussion with my male friend group nor were they taught by my father growing up. I learned by doing retail, being a waiter and doing backend restaurant tasks. For what it is worth though, I still get blamed for not doing enough.
@@k_kalein I wouldn't even do that, I'm standing there and I'm making him refold the laundry until he does it right, no matter how long it takes because now he knows you'll just go ahead and do it while he puts in no effort
This, so much this! It's so easy for single women to tell others to not do chores if their partner doesn't helps but the fact that some women have no choice but to slave away or be beaten and abused is .... a point of privilege to just say that.
my parents are 50/50 with everything (housework and working at a job) and its crazy the amount of people who tell my dad "wow youre such an amazing dad!" and no one ever says it to my mum even though she does the exact same stuff he does. my dad says "im just taking care of MY kids. youre telling me you dont do that for yours..?"
What? How is HE a sucker if they both work full time and share responsibilities equally. He wouldnt even be a sucmer if she was a SAHM and they still shared household responsibilities. @dyr_glpsn4209
@@elcie04 when you grow up and get married you'll see there's no "shared household responsabilities". If you agree to that you'll share minor chores (daily cleaning, clothes, dishes, kids, groceries, errands) while single handedly taking care of heavy duty crap (cutting grass, building/fixing furniture, painting, electricity and plumbing, both cars maintenance, fix roofing...)
Weaponized incompetence feels like another name for manipulation, like the dads are playing a game. One of them saying I volunteer to be able to get the praise of trying is down right evil.
It’s crazy because instead of doing the simple tasks that their wives told them to do, they choose to make those tasks harder and longer for themselves by faking incompetence and breaking stuff that their poor wives will have to replace. What useless grown adults, they are. 🌚
As a gen z father, I’ve been told that I’m an amazing father (mostly by older millennial women, Gen X and some boomer women) simply for doing the bare minimum and it BLOWS my mind. Just because I play with my kids, change diapers, clean around the house, like WHAT DO YOU MEAN?? How shitty was my father?? How shitty was my grandfather??
The weaponized incompetence gets terrible at holidays like the amount of woman that do everything because some men can't even buy the presents they're supposed to gift
Yeah. Holidays have a lot that needs to be done. It can’t be done alone. I always just ask people what they want for birthdays and holidays, then enjoy shopping around for it online
Wow, yall are sexist too. Like i do dishes, laundry, sweeping, mopping, vacuum the house, and clean up. But cook? Some guys can but im just not good at it. some ppl (and i say ppl because its not gender specific) cant cook, just like some ppl cant fix a car or renovate a house, or fix drains or furnaces, maintain roads or write a good email to a boss and im actually trying to come up with tasks that men arent good at but women are that werent mentioned above but im drawing a blank. Honestly my wife is better at renovation but thats cuz her dad was a contractor who literally owns his own house building company, and i lived most of my live with my mother, guess that's why i do the laundry and the dishes.
I remembered seeing a video where the husband was saying something about not being able to clean the counters as well as his wife so she said she would teach him. So she wiped down the counter and explained it to him then after it was all clean took chocolate syrup and squirted it all over the counter and said “your turn”.
And then men will say “but I just hate cleaning so much!” Like do you think we ENJOY cleaning? I’m sure some people do but most of us hate it just as much as you. The difference is that we’re able to actually grow up and take responsibility to clean up our own messes like the adults that we are. Good god.
One youtuber I like is a man with adhd who cleans I watch his content to try to motivate me to clean cause I hate it so much (Also I'm tired of adhd being used as an excuse for men being selfish and lazy even when they have kids, but women with adhd are still expected to take care of everything)
@@FS-qk5uq exactly! ADHD can be tough but it doesn’t mean you’re physically incapable of doing things. My brother has ADHD and although he’s struggled in the past, as he’s growing up (he’s turning 22 soon), he’s started to actually keep his place cleaned and has been doing dishes more. ADHD is not always an excuse for things.
@@mr.duck1246 yeah I'm physically disabled, in pain constantly, have adhd, depression, ptsd, anxiety, etc.. but I STILL have to do at least the bare minimum to take care of myself. Even when my partner is here I don't expect him to do everything for me. I don't understand how able-bodied people are incapable of doing the things that I have to do. (I'm not including people who are just far too mentally ill to take care of themselves obviously)
My ex tried to say I "was better at laundry" than he was, but I snapped back with "you've lived alone longer than I have, you know how to do your own laundry"
@@sparkyblue7016 It is more about not doing it her way rather than not doing it in general. For me, I dont separate colors, hang dry my pants and hoodies, and machine dry everything else. No fabric softener, and no dryer sheets. My partners have done their laundry differently and obviously communication plays a huge part in everything covered in this video. It is all pretty exaggerated for those dysfunctional relationships that have put shaming their partners on social media as a norm.
My partner is a blue collar worker, so his work clothes are often extremely dirty and heavy duty. When we first started dating, I started noticing that his clothes were always clean. Like, sometimes I wanted to help, but there were no dirty clothes to be found. I quickly realized that - brace yourselves - *HE WASHES HIS OWN CLOTHES*. He also cooks, and cooks like, really good food. And does dishes. Coming from my ex who had weaponized incompetence down to such an art form that he could manipulate me into cleaning up after he broke my things in an abusive rage, I quickly realized that I needed to lock this man down so hard!! 9 years later, he still washes his own laundry, cooks food, vacuums, just generally helps run the household. He also fixes things, mows the lawn, takes out the garbage, etc. Being in a relationship where we are both working and bringing home money, and we're also both contributing to running the household, is amazing. It's such a low bar to clear, but I'm grateful every single day to have a partner like him!!
@@putent9623 I don't see a need for her to list out what she does. It's not a competition. ALSO she didn't say that HE'S the only one who does the cooking, cleaning ect. Just that he ACTUALLY does that stuff too. So this is most likely one of the more balanced relationship situations, where both of the people do the chores, and not just one of them. You write this assuming that just because her partner actually does stuff like any normal person should, that she's automatically the one who does nothing, wich honestly says a lot.
@flamzz3133 yeah you can make as many assumptions about me as you want idrc. Regardless I don't think my comment was directed here. I don't remember making my comment at this person. Also, again keep making negative presumptions about me, that will totally make understand your point of view, have no grudge against you and overall view your community in a positive light.
"b-but divorce rate so much higher now" the same men, when asked what to do about their wife asking them to *insert basic life skill* : "pretend youre stupid until she does it for you, duh"
Before divorce was an option, "accidents" that cause someone to become a widow or widower were more common. I'm just saying that if we can look at the statistics any way we want....
@@KidPoe Well duh, we tend to assume people are sane and not so self-absorbed that they take something as inane as someone having a different way of doing something/not being as good at doing something as some grand plan. Y'all would do that shit. Men just do what we can and know is good.
I can't understand why some people would rather give up their dignitiy by pretending they can't operate a washing machine than just do the laundry. The worst part is then proudly believing you have actually tricked your partner into thinking you are actually mentally challenged, rather than just lazy and disrespectful.
The term "mentally challenged", is actually ableist (Ableism is a system of social prejudice and discrimination against people with disabilities, including mental disabilities, based on the belief that typical abilities are superior). Be careful in your activism, as while you may uplift one community (woman in this instance) you may be reinforces another's oppression (the disabled community in this instance). This comment is meant for educational purposes and is not a personal attack.
How else would I describe an inability do certain tasks the exact reason for which is not known? Also I wouldn't call a snarky comment on UA-cam activism. I was just expressing my frustration over people's bad behaviour (which by the way, women are plenty capable of, too), which is not activism in my opinion. Calling it that would be disrespectful to the people who actually do stuff that matters.
Because they're banking off of their partner keeping it a secret out of second hand embarrassment. A lot of men do this around their wife or girlfriend, because they expect them to hide their incompetence out of shame. If a man is incompetent, a woman is usually blamed for not choosing better or his mom for not raising him better. And men are aware of this. Weaponised incompetence thrives off of the partners tolerance for humiliation on others behalf.
I've been saying for years: women "nag" because men don't listen! No woman ever sets out to be the naggy wife, it just happens after years and years of not being listened to wears them down.
Last year I had a woman roommate, this year I have a man roommate. I complain about both of them on a roommate forum our university has, because both of them grew up with parents who always cleaned up after them so they never learned to clean. It’s genuinely wild how if I post the same scenario, such as them not vacuuming up a mess they made and saying “they don’t know how to use the vacuum” (yes, both of them did this same scenario), people were way, WAY harsher on the woman roommate than the man. When I posted about my first roommate, people would call her a slob and a pig and an idiot who couldn’t use common sense to work a vacuum. When I posted about the man roommate, people would tell me I was being too harsh to a dude genuinely trying to learn and improve and tell me it wasn’t fair of me to judge him when he’s genuinely trying to learn.
Because women in society are expected to be a good wife/ make a good image of themselves while men can eat out, never learn to cook and live in stench.
@@shamstam Fr men r just expected to be bad at things so ppl let it slide. Like “boys will be boys” idea just exploded. Ppl just refuse to teach their young boys discipline bc they think they’re supposed to be “rowdy”
It’s really sad to think its rare to have a dad that actually helps out with laundry, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, extra curricular activities, etc. Its crazy how it’s a rarity for dads to actually…be dads???
i am so utterly jealous. my dad is a deadbeat and barely even lives in my families house. he refuses to do basically any chores aside from grilling meat on occasion. you are so lucky
it isn’t. This is a real problem but there is an overwhelmingly amount of great dads out three that many people seem to demean sadly by exaggerating the overall amount of these incompetent men
I really can’t believe that some grown married people are like this. Like, a marriage is a partnership!! A significant other is not a maid you can dump all your responsibilities onto!! Honestly I think so many unhappy relationships would be fixed if parents or schools just taught their children how to survive in the real world without relying on other people.
marriage is an economic union between 2 people (normally and traditionally a cis man and cis woman) it is a way to secure financial stability and has nothing to do with love. arranged marriages are still quite common in the world, for example. love has nothing to do with it. the reason why "modernized" cultures do marriage still is just a holdover from these practices. it's misogynist, actually.
I see a lot of guys being obsessed with almost teen women and female fertility like because they want to have kids, but will also complain about single mothers and will probably not raise their children, will get rid of the wife when she gets older and make her a single mother too.
That's what my sister's ex did left her with 2 kids he was abusive and liked 14 plus lil girls just in November the kid he abandoned years ago came around and he has to take care of her cus she was pregnant and he kept calling my sister trying to put it on her but in November she had the kid she is 15 and her mom kicked her out and made her move with him 🤦♂️
@@koalamud5087 fr especially since he has warrants out for his arrest lol and does drugs especially Adderall when I was 15 he would have me crush it up and put it in rows so he could snort it
Men saying “Women are SUPPOSED to be the ones at home taking care of the kids because they’re natural caregivers” and simultaneously being upset and confused about women winning custody battles more is true boy math😂
Why do men think they want custody, anyway? They're too lazy to change a diaper or cook a meal. If they got custody those kids would be dead within a month and the male would do nothing but complain about how much work they were. They complain just to play the victim about something.
maby peaople need to read the albert pike letter, ww3 will be started by "divide and conqure" chrstain vs athoest, female vs male, left vs right, black vs white eta eta! the elites depopulation ww3 program will be completed BUY THE SHEEPLE THEMSELVES! and the majority will be all-in on fighting "they /them" being a tell they vs them!
Aww, that's sweet My dad sometimes forgets to do the dishes and he tells my mom not to do them, then gets slightly upset when she does do them- not in a bad way, just in a "I was going to do them, I don't want you to do more than you have to" kind of way
I'd hate this, growing bacteria... If my roomate didnt have time, I'd just wash it. And ideally theyd do the same for me if i ever had to leave it due to rushing.
@@Svp3rN0va-xoxothat’s actually so sweet. I always ask my grandma if I could wash the dishes but she always says no, and I don’t do them just in case there was something going on with the faucet and water (it’s usually not good). we gotta appreciate those in our lives, I get home after work and she tells me to not do any work in the house but it makes me feel terrible. Since I like cleaning anyways and because I don’t want her to not be stressed doing work in the house either 😭
My boyfriend has horrible anxiety and possibly C-PTSD from growing up in an abusive home and manages to take care of most of the housework. Granted I have to show him how I like things to be done, but after that he does his best. These guys should be ashamed.
Not to be rude, but what would've been wrong with the way that he knows how to do tasks? If they get completed, does it truly matter how one likes it done?
Not everyone is the same. People like your boyfriend and me (i am diagnosed c-ptsd with personality disorder) we never seen things in a normal light and it molded us into something different. Please don't talk to him like that like he is broken, because that is the vibe you give me, no offence. That man is probably stronger then most and sharp as hell with the anxiety. Most people like us end up in jail or 💀 just so you know. He had to teach himself how to be a good human being with no example just like me. So him being a good houseman is him being a legend in my opinion.
@@nicksnow9309maybe little things that are different but aren't immediately noticeable? Like, my home tends to keep humidity in and my father's home is dry as bones, so where i do my best to get rid of all water he daily refills humidifiers. Or for example - buying food for a cat is not a rocket science, but my old lady refuses to it same shit for longer than a month, and on bad days doesn't eat dry food at all. It's not someone you can just see and it absolutely will create problems in the long run if not addressed. Sorry for any weird wording - not that good at english
@@Trustmebro343girl im autistic and though i tend to forget a few things it doesnt stop me from doing work around the house. I have no idea what symptom of autism could even cause you to be unable to do those kinds of tasks🤷
I am a woman on a team of mostly men, led exclusively by men, in a field that's male dominated. I have had coworkers use the weaponized incompetence strategy on me AT WORK, and when I criticize them doing this they say I am "nagging" them. AT WORK!
I cannot take any man seriously who uses the word "nagging", and they only say it because you are inconveniencing them because you're calling them out for taking advantage of you.
@@lilaculots oh, I give them shit. You don't stay in a male dominated field as a woman without hardening yourself a bit. We say the most heinous shit to each other at work. 😂 They know I see what they're doing, they're dumb but they're not THAT dumb. They aren't going to suddenly have a better work ethic just because they know I see them for the lazy mfs they are, though. They don't care, I have no power. I'll continue cleaning up after them. C'est la vie. Imo pretending to be stupid eventually makes you stupid, so really they're shooting themselves in the foot in the long run.
My mother believed the lie that it was better to stay with my horrible father than to leave him, because "at least they have a dad!" (this was from other women btw) She couldn't even go to online school because she was too busy caring for me, the house, AND my useless spermdonor (since that's all he contributed to me). Forget having a job. My maternal grandparents had to help us when he cheated on her with a young woman half his age (after everything my mother sacrificed and did for him). She went from being unable to even have a part-time job, to now having the time to go to nursing school AND get a job AND raise her child. Now, a good portion of that is accredited to my insanely awesome grandparents, who helped us so, so much during that time, but she was no slouch either. I am 100% serious when I say that I wish she left him sooner. As in, as soon as I was born. I would've been so much better off without having the trauma of my 'father' being right there, but not caring about/for me. Leave him. Listen to me, leave him.
my mom left my useless spermdonor when i was a toddler because she would rather be homeless with two kids than stay with his abusive ass but the problem was that he got joint custody in the divorce and especially towards me who was born fem i understood why my mom left him because he would use weaponized incompetence on his own child
Your mother’s situation sounds similar to mine, except I chose to leave him *and* I gave him an ultimatum to step up or step out, before she was even born. After breaking up, he was still behaving the same, incompetent, so I clearly outlined to him what was expected of a good father, and I gave him time to prove that he could be one. The first thing on that list was to ASK how she/we were doing. In which he told me to “just send him pictures and update him every now and then” what am I a fucking automated timer? Lol eventually he got tired of my “nagging” and chose to step out because he “didn’t wanna deal with me” and “wasn’t sure it was even his baby” 🙄 like okay cool, play stupid and paint me as the villain, idgaf because I know the truth. Not a lot of people believe me, which is why I appreciate comments like this that prove to me my daughter is better off without her sperm donor
@@es_fernyy This right here is why I share my story. So many women are shamed for leaving their horrible husbands, acting like that is going to hurt the child. Those same people don't rub their braincells hard enough to think what mental harm a child would go through, seeing their father mistreat their mother. Plus, a bad husband is almost always a bad father. Don't let anyone shame you for putting you and your child first. Never forget: it isn't them who would suffer from their advice.
Yeah mine too. Both my parents codependent as hell. Her excuses were some bangers such as “he only hit me once” and “I’d have to sell the house”. I hate to say it but they’re honestly made for each other, like jesus your marriage is Old Yeller and it’s time to pull the trigger guys.
Yeahhhhh I kinda wish my mom left my dad. Maybe she never will but it sucks to see her have to do everything for him. They're the reason I'm scared of marriage. I'm a woman with two sisters and NONE of us want to be treated the way he treats her.
As the only girl in a guys friend group, I learned several little tricks against this. "I did already (insert what you did. Like cook, set the table, ...) so who is going to do (insert next needed task. Like do the dishes, make the dessert, ...)?" it highlights that they have done nothing until now. Then there is the answer "Well, a good time to start learning it. So pay attention because next time I trust you can do it on your own" It gives lenience while also showing that this is an exemption from the norm. A thing I often use with my father is turning the responsibility around like when he asks "What is for dinner?" I answer "Don't know, what did you have planned?" or "Do you know where my shirt is?" "don't know, last time I saw it was dirty, did you wash it already?" A good alternative to having to do it yourself sometimes is giving a person the manual with "If you follow this to the letter, it should be fine" and then walking away. Then there is the agreeing to them saying things like "We should do grocery shopping soon" which actually means "It's time you do grocery shopping" Simply say "Yes, when do you have time to do that? This is the list of things i want you to get on top of the things you want" All of these responses are very kind while also telling the opposite person that you don't accept repetitive incompetence.
Dad won't help with the laundry? Don't wash his clothes! Dad won't help with the cooking? Don't make him food! Dad doesn't help with the baby? Get a divorce and take the child!
after I was born, my dad kept fogetting(?) to buy snacks for all three of us, so my mom would have to share with me. Eventually she got sick of that, and just took both of the snacks for us. “well, one for me, and one for our daughter. didn’t you buy one for yourself?” LMAO
@natalipoland4482It’s really not that drastic when these guys literally resort to breaking things just to get out of doing something. Wasting items AND money.
@@thesleepydot the fact that your dad kept that one snack for himself everytime and let you share the other with your mom, instead of taking responsability for his mistake and making sure his family is fed is... quite unsettling. You already failed that one simple task, you can't even make it right and share with your own wife and kid on top of that?
@@maevab2923 it’s uhhh not THAT serious lol. he was being thoughtless. he didn’t think much of it, or that it’s a big deal. plus, it’s been 15 years at least lol. I was just sharing it as a funny story, specifically because my mom has some funny comebacks in cases like these :))
You know with them that they do want to help, they just actually aren't good at it. But because they want to help they are most likely willing to put in the effort to learn!
@@aphrodieMonkey that is a nice idea but impractical for someone like me who has childhood issues and has been depressed since I was a little kid. It is really hard to recover from severe mental illness alone. People who do well single from the research tend to have good support systems and minimal trauma or mental health issues.
Im the queen of passive aggressiveness. Every time my ex “forgot” how to do something I walked around his mess not touching it. Dirty laundry on the floor? I only pick up mine and vacuum around it. His dirty dishes in the sink? Not to worry, while serving dinner I only clean the plate Im gonna use and then clean it afterwards.
its like those edits or videos of men on women saying that they don't need a man in their lives and they show men working. like ok but im pretty sure you're stuck in your mommy's basement? you ain't working in constructions, and your small brain surely didn't create the inventions we have today.
the way men say they created laws and science as if forcing the other team to sit on the bench and then declaring your team the winner isn't pathetic... as if they didn't criminalize women being politically and economically independent so that by default society would be controlled by men and for men (and then have the AUDACITY to complain about the burden of responsibility and how they're losing after less than one generation of equality, that's how much men suck) It's giving timmy has two toy trucks while his sister has none and every day he complains about having to put both on the shelf. then his sister is given a truck and he immediately wants to destroy it, despite nothing being taken away from him. Even kindergarteners have more emotional intelligence then grown men
I had an ex that did this and I'd just meet it with vitriolic misandry. "I can't believe men have run the world all through history, look at this shit-" etc and he'd be insulted enough to actually show that he CAN do things correctly. If he has a job he can do whatever chore/can follow directions. I broke up with the guy, obviously, but I was at a point in my life where I liked having an excuse to be so rude to his momma's boy routine, it was cathartic.
Haha, I was actually gonna comment that if a husband or boyfriend tries to get out of washing dishes by breaking them, to just switch to plastic wares. Don't let him off the hook, just use crap he can't break. Ya know, if he's acting like he washes dishes like a 5-year-old, then just treat him like he's 5-years-old; kids still do chores, we just make it so they can do chores in less risky ways.
I use this when men say stupid shit like “they can’t help themselves”. “Wow you guys have no self control, you should absolutely not be leading nations then”
@@DogMechanic giving him plastic dishes won’t work because if he’s evil enough he’s just not gonna care and continue and break your dishes AND use your money eventually to buy new ones or even force you to buy them. Also. Or he will get mad and refuse to eat from the plastic and just ignore it afterwards and act like YOU’RE the crazy, immature one
I dated a man once who didn’t know how to make a sandwich, do a load of laundry or change his sheets. He called me once asking for help because his mom hadn’t brought him his meals yet and he was hungry. Never again.
@@Romanticoutlawthat would explain everything and also be the only way I would find this behaviour forgivable... after all a cat would have a hard time making a sandwich
@@ricaboo9304 It's just bread bread... wait no- bread, onion, uh no that's not right. it's lettuce, milk... still not right. you know what, he is right it is very confusing, and there are no guides on google either, it is just too hard for people who are not born with intrinsic instincts of sandwich creation. 😔 after all that skill has been encoded to women's DNA hundreds of thousands of years ago, when they were making sandwiches and using laundry machines in caves, there is no competing with that.
21:27 “in both situations, no matter who is doing what, there is an influence of systemic patriarchal views of women which always places her as lesser than the man”
Great video except for one thing at 20:00. Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz would NEVER scheme against his partner, even his ex-wife. Plus he’s actively involved in his daughter’s life
"what can I do to stop my wife from asking me to do the chores?" The best way for your wife to stop asking you to do the chores it's by doing them before she even asks you her to do them, able bodied man 🤨 Dawg, statistically speaking, she's also tired from work, not need for their to pull a double shift when you wouldn't want to. Some of my fellow men just embarrass the rest of us.
@@你好-戦 you can me househusband too, you got freedom, in the modern world we should be able to follow the path we want, if you want your wife to be the breadwinner alone, hey that's your prerogative.
@@你好-戦 Because having a job is personally fulfilling and many women have hopes, dreams, ambitions and goals???? Because women are people who want to engage with the world and exist as an active part of it?????
Where is this constant "construction site" of these arguments? Everytime the conversation turns to work, the argument goes with female lazy office job, man construction site👨🔧. Like ALL men work at a construction site. And don't ger me started on the whole: being a sahm is easy compared to a construction site. Personally I've never been woken up in the middle of the night because the construction site I work at puked/peed/pooped all over their bed and rolled around in it for fun.
When i got pregnant unexpectedly (got told i couldn't have kids) and after giving birth i realized how differently we were raised...out of the sudden everything was my responsibility and he forgot how to do basic thing's and his mom scolded me and kept bragging about how she had two kids three jobs and still managed to do her wifely duties... other issues surfaced after our daughter was born but this was honestly a big part in me deciding to become a single mother
I had a boyfriend like this. We were staying together but we hadn’t officially moved in together yet though he was at my place most of the time so yeah it looked that way. One day I was having such a horrible day and I asked him to cook because I was gonna be late from school. Well when I got home(exhausted af) he was just lying on the bed scrolling through his phone. I go to the pots but they are empty then he says “he forgot, his friend needed help with something and so he was pretty occupied and he’s tired” I say Ohk, but I see takeout so I ask him where mine is, he says he only got some for himself he thought I would just cook when I got back home. I just took a deep breath in and just called him to the door I said “come here” then I asked him to get tf out of my house. He thought I was joking but I was actually dumping his a$$. That’s the only solution to the deadbeats
Gods I would never ever order food for myself and not do so for my partner, that is sacrilegous. Or go shopping and come home without a little nice something for him..and neither would he..damn...good on you for dumping the trash outside.
This topic is near and dear to my heart because I saw my dad practice it every day while I was growing up. My mom was a schoolteacher so she was automatically saddled with the responsibility of picking up the kids because she got off work early, but then she was also expected to clean, cook a meal, and complete paperwork for her job every night. My dad, on the other hand, came home and went into his office and browsed the internet until suppertime, and then afterwards until bedtime. And that part about 'men do men's work, like mowing the lawn'? It only took a few times of him pitching a fit because he'd bought the wrong size screw or whatever, and my mom stopped asking. Some guys will at least bring home an anniversary present! Mom gets flowers, a card, and taken out to dinner for every Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, and anniversary. Literally never anything else - not so much as a pair of earrings or a box of chocolates. They are both in their 70's now. When she went on a weeklong 'gal pals' trip, he had to call me to ask how to turn on the stovetop so he could heat up soup. He does not know how to do his own laundry. When we ask him 'what if something happens to mom, how will you look after yourself?' he just giggles about it: he fully expects either my sister or myself to drop everything in our lives and come home for him if that happens, or 'I'll just be a stinky old man!' The arrangement, I was always told, was that 'Dad brings home the bacon, and Mom does the housework', but they are both retired now and she still does 100% of the housework, grocery shopping, etc. It is like she is living with a perpetual spoiled child, not an adult man, but she will not get a divorce because she's afraid at her age that she's too old to find anyone else to be with. Ladies, do not wait around for him to change, and for the love of God do not buy into Tiktok tradwife propaganda. My mom was the definition of a tradwife for my entire life and it burnt. her. out.
Honestly, being a tradwife is literally just being a mother and maid to your partner. I know it doesn't mean much, but I'm sending love to you and your mom. My dad is in his 70s (my mom in her 60s) both had jobs and they have always shared housework, he also did most of the cooking. My grandpa would get mad at my dad when he was younger because he used to help my grandma with the cooking, my grandpa thought it was "women's work" and beneath a man. I'm glad that my grandma was in a privileged enough position to divorce him. I don't know if his 2nd wife babied him, but I'm guessing probably. My dad never really kept in contact with him, my aunts did, I never understood why, he just made grandma miserable...
"he fully expects either my sister or myself to drop everything in our lives and come home for him if that happens" - Oh GOD. I'm one of 3 daughters from a couple like your parents. If this is what my dad thinks he best think again. None of us girls want to be mistreated like our mom
She wasn't a trad wife though, not really, trad wives are supposed to stay at home, and she also had a job. She was some strange overworked hybrid of a trad and a modern wife, doing the responsibilities of both, enjoying the benefits of neither.
@@aki-senkinn my mom was like this too :c my "father" made her stop working and he told me it was my fault he wasn't allowing her to work. just shows insecurity. we all deserve better than this, as children and as adults. hopefully we learn from this and give ourselves and our children a better life
This reminds me so much of my father😭. Bro did olympiad maths/IMO in China, skipped gaokao, and got into one of the most prestigious Chinese universities only to "Forget how to open a can"
So... here's the thing. On one hand, yes. Everything you said. On the other, I'm a lesbian, and I have seen this in lesbian relationships. I find that when I remove the behavior from the framework of gender roles and gender norms, societal expectations, etc., I end up more likely to call it what it is: emotional manipulation that borders on abuse, and depending on the context of the relationship, it seems to often tie into a much greater pattern of abuse. I think if you see someone who has come to live with this kind of situation, there's a pretty good chance that if you so much as scratch the surface there you'll see patterns that will scare you for them. I don't tend to look for red flags in other people's relationships, but I mean, I've been through enough at this point in my life that if you wave one in my face I'll have some questions.
My brother does this ALL THE TIME, so I have very personal beef concerning this topic. He basically does nothing in the household anymore and/or leaves things standing or laying around as if he's just forgotten them until someone else picks them up. I've stopped doing that a few years ago, my mom still does it. When she confrots him he starts screaming and brings up things from our literal childhood that my mom did wrong. Btw, he's 22, almost 23. He wants to move in with a (male) friend of his, and I truly look forward to that happening :) I'm just mad that my mom is allowing him to take two of our cats because I'm very scared that he'll neglect them. But most of all, I just truly hope he never has a wife. ❤
male friend, then both of are going to be veryyy similar. sorry to say the cats are mostly likely going to get neglected, ask animal abuse on them if its becomes the worst
When I was doing my chemistry degree, I had to help all the boys in my physics lab with building their electric motors because they couldn't figure out how to actually strip the insulation from the wire before winding it (I kept telling them to redo it until it was right). Our society enables boys to be less competent even in the fields they are supposed to be good at.
That’s legit. Women are born with the aisles of every grocery store in the country downloaded into their brains so naturally we can do the shopping without having to, I don’t know, shop anyway and by all that shopping, learn where things are.
My masters in chemistry boyfriend wanted me to always heat up his frozen pizzas because "he doesn't know how to do it" himself. Lol, I know the equipment he works with is 100 times more complicated than a standard oven.
@@Evija3000That's at best laziness...holy hell...using a oven literally just takes looking up the instructions manual and the pizza instructions on the container Some people may fail this I guess...but someone graduated in STEM? Dude is straight out on a mission to refuse to learn something so simple...
I’m built different because weaponized incompetence cannot work on me “I put the food in the dryer” oh that’s fine, we will eat it for dinner “I did not wash the dishes because I don’t know how to load the dishwasher” not a problem, because I will serve food on the dirty dishes. 🙂
It changes when you have kids though... you can't just neglect the kids because the father is a du***uck. Also this sh*t is reinforced by society - my friend has been going out of her mind with their kids' kindergarden. They were explicitly told multiple times to call the dad (who is working from home most of the time and is flexible, she has an on-site job and often can't even pick up the phone) should anything come up. They keep calling her and act surprised every time because 'she's the mother' and it's expected that she's the one responsible.
"oh the dryer is not working cuz you put a steak in the dryer? Just buy a new one 😊" "oh the clothes are burning cuz you put them in the oven to dry? Awe how sweet of you, but I'll be needing you catds cuz I have to go shopping now 🤭"
@@neon_lights I'd go with: "oh, you don't know how to do it? that's unfortunate, but practice makes perfect so you will be taking this task over for the foreseeable future, so that you have an opportunity to learn basic life skills."
My partner told me recently he hasn’t don’t the dishes because ‘there are plates in the sink, if you don’t leave them in the sink I’ll do them”.. well I took them out the sink a week ahead and they still ain’t done. I work full time and my work requires I do prep at home on a night. I struggle to find time. He doesn’t work….
WHY are you with him still? Good God Get a Grip Girl. Stop being a pickme and leave him. You can do better. Being single is better than being with a low value male.
@@Alexxxxclips that has nothing to do with gender. i had a roommate that basically managed to burn a pot of water and could not use a vacuum or cook pasta. she had been taught nothing by her parents. and i am now married to my husband and we both manage the household just fine as two men.
This doesn't only apply to couples. I'm currently living with two men in a shared apartment and they are exactly like this. For example, I was sick this week and now the apartment is a mess, because my roommates didn't clean the dishes or took out the trash. And a few weeks ago, when we had problems with the drain I was the only one who tried to stop the water from flooding the bathroom. One roommate was just standing there watching what I was doing and saying he can't help because he thought the water was disgusting (no shit!) and the other didn't even bother to leave his room. I'm so happy when I can finally leave that place and move in with my girlfriend... This situation is literally breaking me and I already head several breakdowns and panic attacks because of everything
Similar situation at my place, but I'm a dude and live with a guy and a girl. I've tried to stop picking up after them and cleaning but they don't seem to care, and it's just my ocd that gets triggered when the cockroaches arrive.
I totally relate to the breakdowns. I lived with my extremely depressed friend (i have depression as well) and she would never take out the trash, nor clean the bathroom, nor take her rotting food out of the fridge (she never ate half of the groceries she bought because she would just doordash mcdonalds every two days) and the trash and dishes in the sink would pile up until i got completely fed up with our tiny apartment smelling like rotting food and I would deep clean everything. Then I would ask her about it and she would say “It’s not my fault, I’m mess-blind, you have to tell me if something is dirty.” Like… I am not your mother, it’s not my job to remind you to clean up after yourself. All of that was so traumatic, I can still remember the smell to this day. Not to mention, she never cleaned her own room, which is a personal choice, but eventually the stench of unwashed bedding and clothes started to leak out of her room and into the common space. It’s been two years and we aren’t really friends anymore…
I've had this problem too when I had a man roommate years ago. I got sick with food poisoning for 3 days straight, and when I was finally better, the cat litter was completely disgusting, the trash was overflowed, there were dishes in the sink that had been there for the whole time ... when I confronted him about it, I was like "so here's the thing, just because I was sick, doesn't mean these things don't get done, so when one of us is sick, " and he interrupted and said "you have to make sure you do it stilll." and I was like, .... "no, you need to pick up the slack for the other person who is physical not able to do it ...." The only solution to this was to make a chore chart, and have us mark who did what and when. That worked actually, but was so infantilizing and still felt like I was a project manager lol.
@@KymLikesGames this is shocking...! We started doing a chore chart too... But it's bot working anymore. It only worked for a month or so and now they stopped doing anything 🙄 Well I'll be gone in August. Can't wait 😊
@@just_resa congratulations! I'm sure your ww relationship will be so much better! Oh wait, I forgot about the statistics of abuse, divorce and ww relationships 😔
to be fair....... i once had a task of alphabetizing conference badges and lanyards and we had to spell out the alphabet on a blackboard in the conference room just so everyone could have an easier time looking through the ready batch. it was silly for uni students but it really helped out
Printing the alphavebet it's something nice, if they really need help they have. If just are complaining to don't do that, at least they don't have excuse.
I have roommate or two who are neurotic and complain about cooking food so they only eat out. I got them a factor subscription and gave them 1 or 2 three-step recipes just to see how far I could lead the horse and not have it drink (or whatever the metaphor is)
No but that's actually really helpful! That's so embarassing of him to pretend to need help and get offended when someone offers it to him. I'd be grateful to get accommodations like that when needed.
No shortage of videos on here in which college students are floored by 'How many minutes in a quarter of an hour?', 'Name three foreign countries', and similar.
I (F) broke my hand not too long ago and so i am still struggling with my grip strength (im usually the one who opens jars and stuff for myself and my mom) so i couldnt open a bottle and had to ask my dad. He deadass said to me "oh women are all feminist and independent until they cant open something" and i just stared at him until he backtracked with a "its just a joke"
Does he not realize it’s about asking help to someone else ? And not gender. It didn’t need to be him. I hate how people make this about gender when it never ever was about gender but just basic human skills/kindness.
It's even being idolised like crazy too, you must have heard that: "When men truly falls in love they act like children and when women truly falls in love they act like mothers✨" bs I remember a guy getting very offended over me talking about how important mutual efforts and investment is, he was like "you women are so complicated and selfish" "mums love selflessly and unconditionally do they ask for all this efforts to love you" It's just the bare minimum! AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND/WIFE ISN'T YOUR MOM! I assumed that dude was fairly young but still- Menchildren x wifemum is a very toxic trope, lol
What if I help out with some of the chores and taking care of the baby, but I leave most of the housekeeping to my wife, and I focus on working and doing the hard, physical tasks like fixing the house's infrastructure and repairing things? Seems equitable to me. Gender equality isn't exclusively both partners doing the exact same tasks in a perfectly even 50/50 split. Men and women have natural strengths and weaknesses and complement each other, that's why heterosexual monogamous relationships have provided such a solid foundation in society since the beginning. I don't think traditional relationships are bad or toxic if the husband doesn't treat his wife like a servant
the crazy part is when other people, specifically women, try to excuse weaponized incompetence for other wives and mothers. if you want to live everyday with your husband or significant other not knowing how to do basic household tasks then do that, but don't except other people to be okay with it. "he doesn't know how to clean the baby's diaper, it's not his fault🥺" quite literally, yes it is. he knows he has a baby on the way, he should take it upon himself how to learn. whether that's going to a class, asking someone else how to show him, or watching a youtube video at the bare minimum. i get different times called for different things, but we are in a different time now. there are stay-at-home dads and dads who take care of the kids just as much as the mom. it took two people to get the baby here, it takes two people to raise it
I think the problem is, a lot of women, especially older women, have been indoctrinated into thinking this is “normal”. They’ve been raised into thinking that they need to take care of their husbands/boyfriends because “they’re dumb, they don’t know any better”. Thankfully, more younger women nowadays seem to not be falling for this bs, and are standing up for themselves.
Right??? Women aren’t born knowing how to change diapers either, if the wife knows how to change a diaper and the husband doesn’t it’s because she took the time to learn and he didn’t. Learning how to change a diaper is part of his responsibilities as a parent, so if he didn’t do that it’s absolutely his fault.
My ex wife said she didn’t know how to do laundry, even after I showed her how. I thought, “no problem, I’ll do my own laundry, if she wants clean clothes she’ll figure it out.” She starting using the fact that she didn’t have clean clothes as an excuse not to go to work.
The only thing I can really add is that the "traditional" dynamic of women staying home and taking care of the kids fulltime was a relatively short-lived standard that existed mostly within the middle and upper middle classes. Working class women throughout history (think: farmers, seamstresses, maids, nannies, etc.) did not have this dynamic in their homes. Further back in history, the nuclear family dynamic didn't even apply. We had tight-knit communities where labor and child rearing was not so atomized to single-family households. Children would be taken care of in larger multi-generational homes and that labor would be distributed among an entire group of people. We do ourselves a disservice by conceding to this false narrative of the 2 parents and 2.5 kids as "tradition". Again, this was a VERY specific way of living within a certain socioeconomic class for a few decades. That is not tradition- it was an economic trend.
My wife and I have to start over in building a mutligenerational home. No one in our families do it. We don't want strangers raising our kids while we work. Initially she stayed home with the kids and I worked, but she didn't like it at all. So we switched and we are both happier for it. The plan is to encourage our children to stay home so we can all support eachother. And when they get old enough I'm going back to work again so we can have a higher than average house income.
This is what I think every time I see the bs traditional family/gender roles stuff. Vast majority of the population for most of human society was lower class and only a small portion of people got to experience not doing labour.
Same with my brother. I will definitely warn his future partner about him beforehand. Dont want anyone having to deal with him for his entire life like my mother has to. 🥲
Literally same with my brother. And my parents just give up and do everything instead. That boy is 17 YEARS OLD! when I was his age, I literally did everything around the house and looked after my siblings. It’s so fucked up.
in a relationship where one partner has to literally make and then deliver a child, it’s inherently NOT a 50/50 relationship. one partner has already done WAY more work than the other and i’m embarrassed for people that refuse to help
Agreed, if you agree to spend your life with a partner, and have a baby, it should be a contact that you are willing to help with that baby that you helped created
the fact that the skit you did from 6:30 to 9:54 is a conversation I can actually imagine a husband (using weaponised incompetence) having with his wife says a lot
I'm so particular about the way my clothes and dishes and... everything is cleaned. My wife cooks and I happily clean. She doesn't work so she makes sure my meals are prepped and my supplements are put together for the gym so I can grab and go. I love doing the laundry, its so relaxing. My coffee always tastes better when she makes it though❤
@@fromhell11112 when we argue I'll get set up on the couch and 20 minutes later she waddles out in her moo moo with the blanket and will say something like, "I'm still mad at you" then proceeded to climb on me where we'll lay for about an hour and I'll take her to bed because the couch is too rough for her fibromialga and we'll cuddle until she falls asleep. 10 years of the best of my life. Met her when I was 16 and she never fails to make me giggle like a teenage girl. She's the cute one, I'm just a lucky dork.
I love cleaning, it’s just nice and calming. It’s rewarding when you’re done cleaning, everything looks good. Sometimes I go into my aunty’s apartment and it’s usually messy. I clean it for her cuz I know she doesn’t have time I hope ur having a good day :)
So I’m a woman with ADHD who lives of my own. Household chores are the worst I get no joy out of doing them, so sometimes I’ll ask my friend for a “congratulations!!” When I do get something done and it really helps.
I think that’s okay, it’s just a problem when you expect a congratulations for doing what you’re supposed to etc., yk but yeah I definitely understand having a little celebratory dance 🕺🏾 or whatnot when you finish something you’ve been procrastinating about/dwelling on
I'm a bit scared with my boyfriend ... He comes 2-4 days per week at my place but never help around .. I know it's my home, but I Cook, clean and do the laundry for the two of us when he's here ... I'm scared that if we live in the same home, he'll keep it that way ..
@@natchopeko do not let this behavior continue! it is YOUR home so you make the rules! force him to do work around the house. if that doesn’t work, then don’t do anything for him until he starts doing stuff. if he stops after a while, then he’s not the one, leave him
The prizes for chores board can be great for neurodivergent families, but that includes both parents and kids. Its about giving yourself positive reinforcement though.
Yeah. When I was struggling to brush my teeth, I decided that I would give myself a sticker every night I managed to do so and I'd get a pizza party if I got a 1 month streak. Now I brush every night.
I was talking to this woman abt relationships. Told me she had lactose intolerance, and her husband tried to downplay it saying it wasn’t serious…until he got it. She says he can’t eat too much because then he vomits at night and “guess who has to clean it or else he will throw up again.” Typical momma’s boy. Then she told me not to get married. I felt so bad for her, I wanted to tell her to do better
I am a fully passing trans man by now, but it is ASTONISHING how many compliments I get for simply caring about tasks and doing them efficiently/nicely. I find that the cis men around me tend to just do tasks so they are passing as fine, rather than putting in a little extra effort to make them look great. I also notice that a lot of men don't emote, ask for clarification, or ask secondary questions in conversations as much, which makes people think I am really nice guy when I do--but it was basically a rule of thumb for engaging with people when I was socially a woman. There continue to be more places I find where men can get away with doing a lot less, but be praised even more sometimes. This could also be because I'm high-masking autistic who has a lot of empathy towards others and find it really uncomfortable being mean to anyone (even in a joking matter). I am very detailed oriented and a perfectonist at heart, so that also leads me to having higher standards for myself and the work I do for others. I think this is actually one of the reasons why autistic people who are socialized as women tend to be better at masking, and I see a lot of weaponized incompetence in the male autistic community.
@@tobiasdodd2598 dude i’ve noticed the EXACT SAME THING!!!! i’m not entirely fully passing yet but i mostly was in high school and it was genuinely wild how differently people treated me before and after transitioning. genuinely how did you describe my entire life LMAO
My father used to tell my mother that these daily tasks were "what she was there for". And he would scream at us everytime he couldn't find something he had misplaced. Good times.
@@theman5324 it's not that easy, I've already told him things but I can't say something like that to his face, he's my father after all, despite everything he's done wrong
@@clau_sing_so? All he did was provide a substance men easily part with every day. The fact that he says that to your mother should be enough to drop him completely. He's worthless. Your poor, unappreciated mother who risked her life to birth you and surely did absolutely every childcare task.
Pretty much every man I have known has used weaponized incompetence to some extent and I am over it. Some children will also do this too. It drives me absolutely nuts. Kids learn this from their fathers and they model that behavior. Women need to call this out more often.
Every time the husband ruins something when doing a chore, just add it to a list of things he'll have to pay for himself. Buy even more expensive things using the money he'll have to keep paying for, basically make a debt list, and don't stop asking him to do things until he pays off the debt list. We'll see how long we can keep it going.
as a woman, i have used weaponized incompetence before but only for my own safety. i lived with my ex earlier last year and we were trying to decide who does what chores which week. the second week, it was my turn to sweep the apartment and i went to do so, and he yelled at me so much for the way i swept. apparently it was “wrong” and it “took too long”. i didn’t feel safe at all and so i asked him to show me how to do it the “correct way. he showed me and i did it as he taught me but it was still wrong. he continued to yell at me and threatened me. so i acted dumb and not understand how to sweep just to avoid being abused. was it wrong? maybe. but you shouldn’t abuse your spouse and he was one of the worst people i dated. glad to be out, living on my own, and in a much better relationship
What you did was okay, you shouldn’t be made to feel like it was wrong. He should never have threatened you. In that situation I don’t see what else you could have done to avoid escalation of the situation. I hope you are healing and continue to heal ❤
@@Bully_Biscuit aww thank you so much! i completely agree and whenever i look back, i truly have no idea what else i could’ve done in that moment to protect myself. it just was the right thing and i can’t believe it was over something so minuscule as sweeping. i am definitely doing better, some days are harder than others. but its better than being stuck with someone who isn’t emotionally and mentally stable 😅 i hope you are doing wonderfully as well ❤️
@tyronesebastian9151 Honestly, I wouldn't feel bad about it when you were legit concerned about your safety. Have you heard of fight, flight or freeze? They've added a 4th "F" sometime recently, fawn. Fawning can absolutely be a way for your brain to try to keep you safe. When adrenaline kicks up, and before your frontal context can even engage, your brain on a "lizard brain" level makes an instant decision on what it needs to do to keep you alive and safe. Kinda like how if you're driving a car and someone almost side swipes you, you don't have time to think about it. You just react immediately (honking, swerving, braking, etc). It's only later (and usually after the incident is over) you can really think through what just happened. I'm glad you're in a better place in your life. Best of luck working through the broom trauma, you never deserved to be put in that scary situation in the first place.
i'm not even sure if this counts as weaponised incompetence tbh. it sounds more like he was just conjuring up some incompetence from nothing to use against you. either way, it sounds like hell to deal with, and i'm glad you're doing better
There's a great plotline in Liv & Maddie about weaponized incompetence. Parker (son) pretended to be incompetent so Karen (mom) wouldn't make him do chores. Karen set up a playdate for him with a kid named Evan, who was a stereotypically goody-two shoes. Parker decided to teach Evan "The Parker Way" of getting out of chores, but what he didn't know is that Karen had already talked to Evan about it and she and Evan both teamed up to show Parker how refusing your responsibilities means refusing to do big kid things like throwing stuff in a wood chipper or something idk I haven't watched the episode in years lol
Wasn’t part of the video her pointing out that women don’t get praise for “shared responsibilities”? So maybe instead of bringing both genders down by removing praise from the gender that gets it, bring both genders up by pushing for more appreciation for women? I assume you are not a man and as such have not received the “praise” men get for performing their relationship duties, but it is usually very denigrating praise. Examples being; helping with a baby we get called a “Babysitter” or doing housework we are “giving the mom a break”, the “praise we receive is backhanded and relegates us to second class members in our own relationship. There are two distinct sides to the problem and communication is key as each person only gets to view their gender’s side.
Well I kind of do thank drivers for stopping at a crossing for me. Not that I make some kind of a huge deal out of it, but I do give the drivers courteous nod. A little thank you and appreciation for someone doing their job even if it is their obligation is I think a nice gesture.
I usually smile and nod, because I recognize that being considerate isn't a universal and commonly held value, and it's nice to atleast give a bit of a credit.
This happens in the gay community too. My exhusband pulled this shit and it was the main reason we broke up. I couldn't handle the constant disappointment anymore. My new fiancé is an ICU nurse who actually has his stuff together. I'm still the primary homemaker in the relationship, mind you, but I don't mind doing so since he works more hours than I do, as well as him doing housework when he's free.
i personally like the idea of not doing anything for a willfully incompetent man; if he can't figure out how to cook then he can starve. can't figure out the washing machine? wear a diaper. can't drive? then crawl. i don't know how people find the patience for such stupidity from their partners but if these men were even remotely related to me they'd be out before they know any better. as adults, take the initiative to identify gaps in your knowledge and LEARN. anyone who doesn't understand that isn't good enough to be in my circle, simple as that.
A gap in knowledge cannot be addressed if it's not identified. You will, in all relationships, find that your partner does not know everything. Wilful ignorance is what shouldn't be tolerated, not knowing things can be solved easily. In your future relationships, if your partner is failing to do a chore/task correctly, then congrats, you kinda need to be a partner to that person and help them learn and grow. In a healthy relationship, they're going to do the same to you on tasks you don't know how to do.
If children are involved women do these chores you know what would they do and also some of these men can be abusive.So not everyone can behave like you.
@@Sadee.456 Yeah, that's on me. I completely missed that word when reading through, probably due to my brain screaming about maybe capitalising your I's. OCD grammar hang-ups aside, your strategy should work, if you make sure you point out to them clearly that this is what you'll be doing.
feigning incompetence would get me out of a relationship so fast. if i start to see you as a barely functional human being then all of my attraction for you is gone
My ex tried this with me once. He failed at making box mac and cheese, by mixing all the cold ingredients together instead of in the hot pasta as per the instructions. I wouldn't have roasted him as hard as I did, but he claimed he had an 180 IQ lol. I told everyone, including new friends, and coworkers and laughed loudly about how stupid he was. Public shame works wonders on weaponized incompetence.
My partner fairly recently got an ADHD diagnosis, and that bit of knowledge has been very good for our communication. Like, the difference between 'hey, when are you finally gonna do groceries?' and asking specifically whether he got sucked into some other task or is working his brain into the proper mindset helped a lot for both of us to be patient with each other. I mean, I can't even imagine either of us doing tasks incompetently to avoid chores. We both have things we genuinely cannot do properly because of disabilities and the fear of someone thinking we are doing that on purpose comes up whenever we are asked to do such a task.
I'm glad that you are understanding and patient with his condition. Honestly most people with ADHD don't have this, and it leads to a lot of broken relationships
@@ptlovelight2971As am I. My limited understanding of ADHD was based on the hyperactive type which is more commonly associated with men. My partner has the inattentive type and has only recently started identifying as masculine, so for him it had also never occurred as a possibility. We both had our own self-recriminations and fears of being deemed 'lazy' (I'm still very vulnerable to that particular accusation). The road to accepting that you cannot do certain things no matter how much you might want to or your society might expect you to is a rough one that I had to deal with as well, which probably helped a lot in my empathizing. Which makes the fact that some people purposely do a shitty job to avoid chores in their relationships outright infuriating to me. People with impairments often have enough impostor syndrome as is.
I remember growing up so confused about the whole men not doing anything around the house, just cause my dad is a full time worker and he's the one that cooks, cleans and most if not all of the household chores. While my mom was always worked and was busy. She helped when she could but she was the very busy one. But so many adults always said my dad was amazing and praised him. And he always said people are just weird
I saw a TikTok a while ago of a girl whose boyfriend would act like this, and she just started going along with it. For example, he "accidentally" bleached some spots of her favorite black dress, so when he had a family event, she wore it. He asked if she was really going to wear it because it looked messy, and she said she understands that accidents happen and that she really loved the dress. When he did the dishes, he placed the cups and bowls facing up in the dishwasher and they filled with dirty dishwater. She then took them out, dumped the water into the sink, and served him his food. When she cooked for a work party of his, she asked him to refrigerate it after it cooled down, but he never did, and it was left out all night. She said it was fine and it'd probably be okay to eat since there was only a little meat in it. He got frustrated and said you can't serve meat if it's been left out overnight, even if it's just a little. He stopped being lazy after he realized she was totally fine with leaving stuff done badly and he'd be living with it.
factsss tysm
This is the way.
She used fire against fire and won
Yknow. She may have figured it out.
Exactly!!!! NATURAL CONSEQUENCES, people don't get it when I say that is the solution. Smart!
I was a cashier at a grocery store. A couple and their teenage daughter came through my line with a very large cartful of groceries, and the mom and daughter started putting items from the cart onto the belt, and the mom appeared to be wearing a wrist brace, too. She said to her husband, who was just standing idly by, "Would you stop just standing there?" and he was like "I just don't know how you guys do it!" very defensively, as if this was a very good argument. So I piped up in absolute disbelief, "You don't know how to pick up an item from the cart and set it down on the belt?"
He immediately got red in the face and started helping his wife and daughter unload the cart while the two of them laughed at him.
When you force them to see how stupid some of this shit sounds in a public setting, it might start to actually sink in.
Do you have some disfunction Sr.? Do you need a doctor? You don't seem to have motor disorder but I don't know better. We can call an ambulance since you are so so soooo incapable 😊
You are a HERO. Thank you for speaking up about this backbreaking inequality.
@@pnpgutterfold is this sarcasm? sorry I'm too autistic to tell
@@esavvysavokiii1277Oh, that's okay! Thanks for asking. No, it isn't sarcasm. Not enough people call out these bad faith actors. We as a society need to hold them accountable to their bad behavior. Keep doing what you do!
@@pnpgutterfold Honestly I think I was just so drained that my filter stopped working, otherwise I wouldn't have said anything. I'm just glad I didn't get in trouble for it lmao
Weaponized Incompetence is going to be the name of my first album that I’m never going to make.
can I make it then?
@@aquamarinarosashe’s not gonna stop u😂
Not if im never gonna make it first
THERE IS ALREADY AN ALBUM AND MULTIPLE SONGS NAMED THAT 😭😭😭
I hope it’s punk rock that’s such a cool name for such an album
When I got married (I'm getting divorced now at 28 years old) the officiant said something that stuck with me, it's not 50/50, it's 100/100. And I think more couples need to internalize that. I was putting in 100 and he was barely doing 25.
Doubt it. You hear a lot about how someone was doing their all for their useless partner. Most of the time when you actually hear elaborations the one who did everything actually didnt do that much and the useless partner did more than you were told.
Sorry but I doubt you were putting in 100 while he was putting in 25. Most likely you were putting in 100 on things that he didnt value and not doing any of the things he actually values and vice versa. Or just willfully ignoring what the other party did to not have to view yourself as bad.
@@andrek6920dude you sound like you were the one barely doing 25
@@andrek6920 100%, but having nuanced opinion won't get you far in life. It's " either with us or against us" here :D
@jamiejam9976 Damn, they said some pretty reasonable things. Most relationships there is not one party that is THE reason for failure.
@@jamiejam9976i feel like that was pretty reasonable and you’re projecting
Do these husbands not realize that breaking stuff around their houses, means they’ll have to spend money to replace said items in the future??? 😭😭😭
They don't care, they see it as a fair price to pay for manipulating their wife into their personal maid
They’re too busy trying to make their wives lives harder and ruining their marriages, so no, I don’t think they realize. 🌚
That's when they start playing resentment chicken - wife replaces stuff with more and more expensive items each time husband breaks stuff until one of them breaks out of frustration.
Pretty sure it’s worth it for these men coz the things they break are almost never expensive, just really inconvenient to deal with. A few broken plates doesn’t cost much to replace and now he never has to wash dishes again. Its tactical
My thoughts exactly. As a cheap ass mf, my mind is absolutely boggled that someone would decide to waste his own money for the sole purpose of forcing his wife to do everything. Like that just sounds like straight up evil behavior. No other word does it for me. That's just plain evil.
This happened to me once. Dad washed the dishes wrong and left food crust on the plate, then refused to cook saying how i cook better (only daughter). Mom wasnt in the country. So i served him food on the crusty plates and dirty cups with undercooked noodles in front of other family members(aunties and garnmama, who i invited). I made a show how I a 16 y/o was so greatful that my dad helped around the house and how i cooked food for the first time even though dad was the one who was supposed to cook.
Gran tore him a new one.
Never bothered me again.
Women, when it is safe to do so. Be petty and dont let them save face.
Girl you ate that fr, left no crumbs (unlike your dad lol)
Yup
But isn't this just using weaponized incompetence in retaliation? Knowingly under-cooking food just to "prove" that you can't cook?
@@miecatt op was 16 its normal for teenagers to not have that much cooking experience since the parents r supposed to make the meals
@@viperreal9184 Sure, but they are also advocating for others to follow their lead.
"Women, when it is safe to do so. Be petty and don't let them save face"
I realize I wasn't specific before, but that is what my original comment was about. About not continuing the cycle of weaponized incompetence. I'd rather people be communicative about their feelings than passive aggressive.
I get it, op was a literal child when this happened, but now as adults can we not come up with something better than an eye for an eye?
The difference between “mens tasks” vs “woman’s tasks” is changing a tire or building a table are not that common, meanwhile womens tasks are weekly things if not daily. If you have to change a tire as much as i do laundry you’re doing something wrong
Exactly! It’s crazy how a lot of these men are able to do all this when they’re single tho. Funny how getting into a relationship suddenly lobotomizes them
@@j.g.3293 most of those guys were still having their mom doing their laundry and cooking, let's not kid ourselves.
@@bluchismoon well their mom's don't come with them during college(talking about male college students staying in dorms) so they DO know how to cook, clean, do laundry only when they think its essential. But yep if not for staying away from mommy, they always run back to mommy for basic tasks.
@akrika7823
They're dudes who pack all of their dirty clothes give them their mother to wash whenever they visit. #NoAllMen obviously but the fact that those people exist is sad. Especially considering that you don't need some deep knowledge to do it nowadays. Sort them by black, colored, white, check if some don't need hand wash, add a tide pod, set a temperature (30° is usually surprisingly enough) and that's all
With trial and error an average man should be able to learn this great skill
@@bluchismoon Too true, my ex partner had to get me to show him how to clean a toilet at 26, truly thought you just put some liquid in and it cleans itself "like on TV"
watching this as a 13 year old has made me realize that i use weaponized incompetence sometimes without trying to i'm just really oblivious and i should work on that so should my father because we both love my mom
This is such an important trait that so many people never learn. Being able to look at yourself, who you are, your behaviours, and think "that's not okay" and fix it. Absolutely amazing that you've figured it out at such a young age and are growing as person as a result
This is such a nice comment. Good job little dude🙌
This is fairly normal for a preteen/young teen. You are just now at an age where you are supposed to grow out of it. So don't blame yrself too much. Yr dad however... that's a bit weird.
good job kid
As a 16 year old , yeah I do that but with my siblings because they don't do nothing.
Weaponized incompetence makes me SO MAD like DUDE YOU CAN DO THIS WHY DO YOU NEED MY HELP ITS LITERALLY A DAILY TASK
@officerdeathwhy are you saying this everywhere
@@milkamoussse They were being sexist and weird. I think all their comments got deleted.
We need to normalize being meaner to men who can’t pull their own weight. Like,,, is it ethical? Maybe not. But it’s equitable.
Because they were served and doted on their entire lives by mommy dearest and developed a standard that is only afforded to the wealthiest in society, a group who don't need to worry about these things because they have servants and maids to do all of this work for them (their mom served the same role). They aren't rich kids most of the time, however, and when faced with the reality that they'll need to make major sacrifices (what are just normal expectations for the average person) in a relationship, they refuse and push back, because to them such a life is beneath them. They are people who lived in Plato's Penthouse throughout their developmental years, a facade created by their mother, and then had to walk out into the real world where mommy couldn't shelter them anymore. Now they want to go back and their wives won't let them.
@@hoathanatos6179 I'd like to add to this by saying that these men could have also noticed their own dads lazing around while their moms worked and think that's the norm. So they haven't had to learn basic life skills cause their moms did it for them and they think they don't have to learn them ever cause their fathers didn't.
My dad hated how my mom folded the laundry, and eventually she told him to just do it himself. He's been doing the laundry for 20 years now. He also has a specific system for loading the dishwasher. Weaponized competence
Beneficial OCD.
my friend has a mom thats obsessed with a specific system of separating clothes for laundry, unloading, handing and folding, and because of that her dad never does any laundry anymore. but it doesn’t end there, and the dad has essentially become dependent on the mom, unintentionally…
Tbh this is me with my brother whenever we fold the laundry together. He does it so poorly that after he folds something I take it to refold it 😭
True words. My wife struggles with washer/dryer, folding clothes, doing the dishes by hand, putting dishes properly and orderly in the dishwasher, cleaning hairs in bathroom (yuck!), and a host of other things. She has not read instruction manuals, done intense UA-cam searches, monitor Reddit groups, etc. Nonetheless, I like doing it for her and I will “nag” when she tries to be proactive. Yes, I have OCD and I occasionally will redo what so does.
I try to stay away from cooking. Got to have limits. She is of the school to clean after cooking not while cooking! And her food safety is less than desirable. Eek. I need Xanax.
Re weaponized incompetence, I find a lot relates to unfair standards. I feel women face more pressure to be perfect due to patriarchy and their own peer group. Men on average do not feel the same desire for perfection. Honestly doing these tasks are not topics of discussion with my male friend group nor were they taught by my father growing up. I learned by doing retail, being a waiter and doing backend restaurant tasks.
For what it is worth though, I still get blamed for not doing enough.
@@k_kalein I wouldn't even do that, I'm standing there and I'm making him refold the laundry until he does it right, no matter how long it takes because now he knows you'll just go ahead and do it while he puts in no effort
I always wanna say, “just divorced him” and then I realize how privileged I am to even think about that as a solution.
I respect this so much. So many people say "just leave" as if it's so easy
This is an important comment! 👏
I respect you for acknowledging it, many people can't just leave
just don't live with men and have kids with them in the first place - the only real guarantee this will never happen
This, so much this! It's so easy for single women to tell others to not do chores if their partner doesn't helps but the fact that some women have no choice but to slave away or be beaten and abused is .... a point of privilege to just say that.
my parents are 50/50 with everything (housework and working at a job) and its crazy the amount of people who tell my dad "wow youre such an amazing dad!" and no one ever says it to my mum even though she does the exact same stuff he does. my dad says "im just taking care of MY kids. youre telling me you dont do that for yours..?"
I grew up like that too
Unless they both work full time, he's a huge sucker. If they both do, that's exactly how it should go.
@@dyr_glpsn4209 can you read?
“my parents are 50/50 with everything (housework AND WORKING A JOB)”
What? How is HE a sucker if they both work full time and share responsibilities equally. He wouldnt even be a sucmer if she was a SAHM and they still shared household responsibilities. @dyr_glpsn4209
@@elcie04 when you grow up and get married you'll see there's no "shared household responsabilities". If you agree to that you'll share minor chores (daily cleaning, clothes, dishes, kids, groceries, errands) while single handedly taking care of heavy duty crap (cutting grass, building/fixing furniture, painting, electricity and plumbing, both cars maintenance, fix roofing...)
Weaponized incompetence feels like another name for manipulation, like the dads are playing a game. One of them saying I volunteer to be able to get the praise of trying is down right evil.
my jaw was on the floor. i'm unfortunately not surprised, but the shock still hits me
It’s crazy because instead of doing the simple tasks that their wives told them to do, they choose to make those tasks harder and longer for themselves by faking incompetence and breaking stuff that their poor wives will have to replace. What useless grown adults, they are. 🌚
Frfr
yup, it is one of many forms of manipulation
@BaldCoryxKenshinfan Right? It's honestly, genuinenly baffling and just... pathetic. Disgusting and vile even.
She may not be pregnant but she never fails to deliver
@officerdeath ?
@@NullAmbitionit's a bot, just report it lol
@officerdeath wha-
So basically she’s a midwife
@@NullAmbitionanother one of those uttp pricks, ignore him.
As a gen z father, I’ve been told that I’m an amazing father (mostly by older millennial women, Gen X and some boomer women) simply for doing the bare minimum and it BLOWS my mind. Just because I play with my kids, change diapers, clean around the house, like WHAT DO YOU MEAN?? How shitty was my father?? How shitty was my grandfather??
what do you MEAN gen Z has kids already?? how old are you sir????
@@alexisventura7191 The oldest gen Z is 25-26. 😅
Unfortunately, a lot of dads were pretty terrible.
Yeah they are pretty bad as bad as you can imagine. Some even worse.
yeah, the bar was and is on the floor lol
"i only cried five times today instead of seven" ...felt that
The weaponized incompetence gets terrible at holidays like the amount of woman that do everything because some men can't even buy the presents they're supposed to gift
It's so pathetic
Yeah. Holidays have a lot that needs to be done. It can’t be done alone. I always just ask people what they want for birthdays and holidays, then enjoy shopping around for it online
For me, it's when those husbands volunteer their house for the holidays. Like, great man, are you gonna help clean anything?
@@Bisexualdragon4042no. They're gonna go mow the lawn and let their wives do the cooking, decorating, entertainment, etc.
Wow, yall are sexist too. Like i do dishes, laundry, sweeping, mopping, vacuum the house, and clean up. But cook? Some guys can but im just not good at it. some ppl (and i say ppl because its not gender specific) cant cook, just like some ppl cant fix a car or renovate a house, or fix drains or furnaces, maintain roads or write a good email to a boss and im actually trying to come up with tasks that men arent good at but women are that werent mentioned above but im drawing a blank. Honestly my wife is better at renovation but thats cuz her dad was a contractor who literally owns his own house building company, and i lived most of my live with my mother, guess that's why i do the laundry and the dishes.
I remembered seeing a video where the husband was saying something about not being able to clean the counters as well as his wife so she said she would teach him. So she wiped down the counter and explained it to him then after it was all clean took chocolate syrup and squirted it all over the counter and said “your turn”.
That is amazingly brilliant!!
Yeah it works well apparently, ive heard another woman do that but witg something else
If it’s the guy I’m thinking of, he then got angry and asked his wife why she made a mess when it was already clean.
God help us.
Now THAT'S some girl boss behaviour.
Good. But she shouldn't have to.
And then men will say “but I just hate cleaning so much!” Like do you think we ENJOY cleaning? I’m sure some people do but most of us hate it just as much as you. The difference is that we’re able to actually grow up and take responsibility to clean up our own messes like the adults that we are. Good god.
Hahaha imagine if we didn't do the things we don't like to do (no one would go to work)
@@clau_sing_ me not doing the things I don’t like = death
One youtuber I like is a man with adhd who cleans
I watch his content to try to motivate me to clean cause I hate it so much
(Also I'm tired of adhd being used as an excuse for men being selfish and lazy even when they have kids, but women with adhd are still expected to take care of everything)
@@FS-qk5uq exactly! ADHD can be tough but it doesn’t mean you’re physically incapable of doing things. My brother has ADHD and although he’s struggled in the past, as he’s growing up (he’s turning 22 soon), he’s started to actually keep his place cleaned and has been doing dishes more. ADHD is not always an excuse for things.
@@mr.duck1246 yeah I'm physically disabled, in pain constantly, have adhd, depression, ptsd, anxiety, etc.. but I STILL have to do at least the bare minimum to take care of myself. Even when my partner is here I don't expect him to do everything for me. I don't understand how able-bodied people are incapable of doing the things that I have to do. (I'm not including people who are just far too mentally ill to take care of themselves obviously)
My ex tried to say I "was better at laundry" than he was, but I snapped back with "you've lived alone longer than I have, you know how to do your own laundry"
and then he does the laundry and gets scolded for 30 minutes for not applying the right proportion of every product
@@aguspuig6615 No. Real people aren't like that. You just don't see it because people being normal doesn't get clicks.
@@aguspuig6615I mean if you can't even do simple laundry then are you really suited to live in the society?
@@sparkyblue7016 It is more about not doing it her way rather than not doing it in general. For me, I dont separate colors, hang dry my pants and hoodies, and machine dry everything else. No fabric softener, and no dryer sheets. My partners have done their laundry differently and obviously communication plays a huge part in everything covered in this video. It is all pretty exaggerated for those dysfunctional relationships that have put shaming their partners on social media as a norm.
@@sparkyblue7016 im 17 and have no clue how to do laundry 😭
My partner is a blue collar worker, so his work clothes are often extremely dirty and heavy duty.
When we first started dating, I started noticing that his clothes were always clean. Like, sometimes I wanted to help, but there were no dirty clothes to be found.
I quickly realized that - brace yourselves - *HE WASHES HIS OWN CLOTHES*.
He also cooks, and cooks like, really good food. And does dishes.
Coming from my ex who had weaponized incompetence down to such an art form that he could manipulate me into cleaning up after he broke my things in an abusive rage, I quickly realized that I needed to lock this man down so hard!!
9 years later, he still washes his own laundry, cooks food, vacuums, just generally helps run the household. He also fixes things, mows the lawn, takes out the garbage, etc.
Being in a relationship where we are both working and bringing home money, and we're also both contributing to running the household, is amazing. It's such a low bar to clear, but I'm grateful every single day to have a partner like him!!
Wow, im 15 and i wjat ti be like your husband in the future. What a grwat example to follow
You said all he brings to the relationship but none of yours. It sounds like he does all the work except maybe bathing the kids.
@@putent9623 I don't see a need for her to list out what she does. It's not a competition. ALSO she didn't say that HE'S the only one who does the cooking, cleaning ect. Just that he ACTUALLY does that stuff too. So this is most likely one of the more balanced relationship situations, where both of the people do the chores, and not just one of them. You write this assuming that just because her partner actually does stuff like any normal person should, that she's automatically the one who does nothing, wich honestly says a lot.
@@putent9623 It's so weird to assume that just because he does the bare minimum, that she must do nothing. Lmao that's wack.
@flamzz3133 yeah you can make as many assumptions about me as you want idrc.
Regardless I don't think my comment was directed here. I don't remember making my comment at this person. Also, again keep making negative presumptions about me, that will totally make understand your point of view, have no grudge against you and overall view your community in a positive light.
"b-but divorce rate so much higher now"
the same men, when asked what to do about their wife asking them to *insert basic life skill* : "pretend youre stupid until she does it for you, duh"
They really think we don’t notice them doing this…
Also, Divorce rates aren't even higher!
They DID spike in the 1970's when WOMEN GOT THE RIGHT TO DIVORCE. and has been on a decline since.
@@AdaireKrickets but you see, that requires actually giving a shit about those statistics, something those typa people dont do
Before divorce was an option, "accidents" that cause someone to become a widow or widower were more common. I'm just saying that if we can look at the statistics any way we want....
@@KidPoe Well duh, we tend to assume people are sane and not so self-absorbed that they take something as inane as someone having a different way of doing something/not being as good at doing something as some grand plan.
Y'all would do that shit. Men just do what we can and know is good.
I can't understand why some people would rather give up their dignitiy by pretending they can't operate a washing machine than just do the laundry. The worst part is then proudly believing you have actually tricked your partner into thinking you are actually mentally challenged, rather than just lazy and disrespectful.
right? i cant imagine how it would feel having the love of my life think i’m that stupid 😭😭
If they're pulling this it's hard to believe there's any love in the relationship @rebeccaschechter1769
The term "mentally challenged", is actually ableist (Ableism is a system of social prejudice and discrimination against people with disabilities, including mental disabilities, based on the belief that typical abilities are superior). Be careful in your activism, as while you may uplift one community (woman in this instance) you may be reinforces another's oppression (the disabled community in this instance). This comment is meant for educational purposes and is not a personal attack.
How else would I describe an inability do certain tasks the exact reason for which is not known?
Also I wouldn't call a snarky comment on UA-cam activism. I was just expressing my frustration over people's bad behaviour (which by the way, women are plenty capable of, too), which is not activism in my opinion. Calling it that would be disrespectful to the people who actually do stuff that matters.
Because they're banking off of their partner keeping it a secret out of second hand embarrassment. A lot of men do this around their wife or girlfriend, because they expect them to hide their incompetence out of shame. If a man is incompetent, a woman is usually blamed for not choosing better or his mom for not raising him better. And men are aware of this.
Weaponised incompetence thrives off of the partners tolerance for humiliation on others behalf.
I've been saying for years: women "nag" because men don't listen! No woman ever sets out to be the naggy wife, it just happens after years and years of not being listened to wears them down.
Fr, like straight up facts.
Frfr
But nagging is just talking with an attitude, why are you talking to someone who you have decided never listens?
@@vulkanofnocturnenagging is not talking with an attitude
call it what you want, it is still silly to keep performing an action you have declared doesn't work@@ithinkiwoulddie9196
Last year I had a woman roommate, this year I have a man roommate. I complain about both of them on a roommate forum our university has, because both of them grew up with parents who always cleaned up after them so they never learned to clean.
It’s genuinely wild how if I post the same scenario, such as them not vacuuming up a mess they made and saying “they don’t know how to use the vacuum” (yes, both of them did this same scenario), people were way, WAY harsher on the woman roommate than the man. When I posted about my first roommate, people would call her a slob and a pig and an idiot who couldn’t use common sense to work a vacuum. When I posted about the man roommate, people would tell me I was being too harsh to a dude genuinely trying to learn and improve and tell me it wasn’t fair of me to judge him when he’s genuinely trying to learn.
Because the bar is so low for men 😔
Because women in society are expected to be a good wife/ make a good image of themselves while men can eat out, never learn to cook and live in stench.
@@CalmClamFamehh IT depends on what kind of task it is
Broo people for real be praising the below bare minimum when it comes to men
@@shamstam Fr men r just expected to be bad at things so ppl let it slide. Like “boys will be boys” idea just exploded. Ppl just refuse to teach their young boys discipline bc they think they’re supposed to be “rowdy”
Men: "women's work is easy and dumb."
Also men: "I can't figure out laundry."
Not men, sexist people.
That’s less than an hour of work and it takes 5 button presses? This is worse than incel content in terms of blatant sexism
@@junkaccount2535 why r u mad lol
@@toenailsnatcher am I mad or am I noticing an extreme leap in logic here
@@junkaccount2535ong lmao who tf don’t know how to do they laundry mfs think we’re retarded
It’s really sad to think its rare to have a dad that actually helps out with laundry, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, extra curricular activities, etc. Its crazy how it’s a rarity for dads to actually…be dads???
i am so utterly jealous. my dad is a deadbeat and barely even lives in my families house. he refuses to do basically any chores aside from grilling meat on occasion. you are so lucky
it isn’t. This is a real problem but there is an overwhelmingly amount of great dads out three that many people seem to demean sadly by exaggerating the overall amount of these incompetent men
I really can’t believe that some grown married people are like this. Like, a marriage is a partnership!! A significant other is not a maid you can dump all your responsibilities onto!! Honestly I think so many unhappy relationships would be fixed if parents or schools just taught their children how to survive in the real world without relying on other people.
@officerdeathyap yap yap
OMG EMU PFP
marriage is an economic union between 2 people (normally and traditionally a cis man and cis woman)
it is a way to secure financial stability and has nothing to do with love. arranged marriages are still quite common in the world, for example. love has nothing to do with it.
the reason why "modernized" cultures do marriage still is just a holdover from these practices. it's misogynist, actually.
Emu would say that 100% like the queen she is
"School" of life is supposed to be taught by parents lol. Not everything can be taught by institutions.
I see a lot of guys being obsessed with almost teen women and female fertility like because they want to have kids, but will also complain about single mothers and will probably not raise their children, will get rid of the wife when she gets older and make her a single mother too.
then they rant about how women dont want to be around them, let alone date them LOL
But of course they are the logical ones😂
That's what my sister's ex did left her with 2 kids he was abusive and liked 14 plus lil girls just in November the kid he abandoned years ago came around and he has to take care of her cus she was pregnant and he kept calling my sister trying to put it on her but in November she had the kid she is 15 and her mom kicked her out and made her move with him 🤦♂️
@@sologreysg I am so sorry, he should be in jail
@@koalamud5087 fr especially since he has warrants out for his arrest lol and does drugs especially Adderall when I was 15 he would have me crush it up and put it in rows so he could snort it
Men saying “Women are SUPPOSED to be the ones at home taking care of the kids because they’re natural caregivers” and simultaneously being upset and confused about women winning custody battles more is true boy math😂
Why do men think they want custody, anyway? They're too lazy to change a diaper or cook a meal. If they got custody those kids would be dead within a month and the male would do nothing but complain about how much work they were. They complain just to play the victim about something.
maby peaople need to read the albert pike letter, ww3 will be started by "divide and conqure" chrstain vs athoest, female vs male, left vs right, black vs white eta eta! the elites depopulation ww3 program will be completed BUY THE SHEEPLE THEMSELVES! and the majority will be all-in on fighting "they /them" being a tell they vs them!
LOL
which is even more funny, when these same people talk about men being the providers, as if caregiving and providers ain't synonymous.
@@titandarknight2698lmaoo, exactly😂
I'm so thankful for my fiancé. He didn't have time to do the dishes before work and he left me three notes telling me NOT to do them.
Aww, that's sweet
My dad sometimes forgets to do the dishes and he tells my mom not to do them, then gets slightly upset when she does do them- not in a bad way, just in a "I was going to do them, I don't want you to do more than you have to" kind of way
I'd hate this, growing bacteria... If my roomate didnt have time, I'd just wash it. And ideally theyd do the same for me if i ever had to leave it due to rushing.
@@popdogfool Normally I'd agree, but this was a case of not feeling like doing them after supper. It was only one night of dishes. :)
@@Svp3rN0va-xoxothat’s actually so sweet. I always ask my grandma if I could wash the dishes but she always says no, and I don’t do them just in case there was something going on with the faucet and water (it’s usually not good). we gotta appreciate those in our lives, I get home after work and she tells me to not do any work in the house but it makes me feel terrible. Since I like cleaning anyways and because I don’t want her to not be stressed doing work in the house either 😭
He's still manipulating you. Divorce. Him. And save yourself from more manipulation
My boyfriend has horrible anxiety and possibly C-PTSD from growing up in an abusive home and manages to take care of most of the housework. Granted I have to show him how I like things to be done, but after that he does his best. These guys should be ashamed.
Not to be rude, but what would've been wrong with the way that he knows how to do tasks? If they get completed, does it truly matter how one likes it done?
Not everyone is the same. People like your boyfriend and me (i am diagnosed c-ptsd with personality disorder) we never seen things in a normal light and it molded us into something different. Please don't talk to him like that like he is broken, because that is the vibe you give me, no offence. That man is probably stronger then most and sharp as hell with the anxiety. Most people like us end up in jail or 💀 just so you know. He had to teach himself how to be a good human being with no example just like me. So him being a good houseman is him being a legend in my opinion.
@@nicksnow9309maybe little things that are different but aren't immediately noticeable? Like, my home tends to keep humidity in and my father's home is dry as bones, so where i do my best to get rid of all water he daily refills humidifiers. Or for example - buying food for a cat is not a rocket science, but my old lady refuses to it same shit for longer than a month, and on bad days doesn't eat dry food at all. It's not someone you can just see and it absolutely will create problems in the long run if not addressed.
Sorry for any weird wording - not that good at english
My boyfriend struggles with C-ptsd and autism, I know he genuinely wants to get things done right he just forgets some stuff
@@Trustmebro343girl im autistic and though i tend to forget a few things it doesnt stop me from doing work around the house. I have no idea what symptom of autism could even cause you to be unable to do those kinds of tasks🤷
I am a woman on a team of mostly men, led exclusively by men, in a field that's male dominated. I have had coworkers use the weaponized incompetence strategy on me AT WORK, and when I criticize them doing this they say I am "nagging" them. AT WORK!
I cannot take any man seriously who uses the word "nagging", and they only say it because you are inconveniencing them because you're calling them out for taking advantage of you.
“Is nagging a reference to me expecting you to do your job? Huh. I should ask HR to update the handbook.”
@@seitanbeatsyourmeat666 the assumption that every workplace has an HR made me cackle. Telling HR on people is a literal running joke in my workplace.
i guess if there's no HR you can just traumatize them back lmao. crack some jokes about them having mommy issues or needing to be weaned or something
@@lilaculots oh, I give them shit. You don't stay in a male dominated field as a woman without hardening yourself a bit. We say the most heinous shit to each other at work. 😂 They know I see what they're doing, they're dumb but they're not THAT dumb. They aren't going to suddenly have a better work ethic just because they know I see them for the lazy mfs they are, though. They don't care, I have no power. I'll continue cleaning up after them. C'est la vie. Imo pretending to be stupid eventually makes you stupid, so really they're shooting themselves in the foot in the long run.
My mother believed the lie that it was better to stay with my horrible father than to leave him, because "at least they have a dad!" (this was from other women btw) She couldn't even go to online school because she was too busy caring for me, the house, AND my useless spermdonor (since that's all he contributed to me). Forget having a job. My maternal grandparents had to help us when he cheated on her with a young woman half his age (after everything my mother sacrificed and did for him).
She went from being unable to even have a part-time job, to now having the time to go to nursing school AND get a job AND raise her child. Now, a good portion of that is accredited to my insanely awesome grandparents, who helped us so, so much during that time, but she was no slouch either.
I am 100% serious when I say that I wish she left him sooner. As in, as soon as I was born. I would've been so much better off without having the trauma of my 'father' being right there, but not caring about/for me.
Leave him. Listen to me, leave him.
my mom left my useless spermdonor when i was a toddler because she would rather be homeless with two kids than stay with his abusive ass but the problem was that he got joint custody in the divorce and especially towards me who was born fem i understood why my mom left him because he would use weaponized incompetence on his own child
Your mother’s situation sounds similar to mine, except I chose to leave him *and* I gave him an ultimatum to step up or step out, before she was even born. After breaking up, he was still behaving the same, incompetent, so I clearly outlined to him what was expected of a good father, and I gave him time to prove that he could be one. The first thing on that list was to ASK how she/we were doing. In which he told me to “just send him pictures and update him every now and then” what am I a fucking automated timer? Lol eventually he got tired of my “nagging” and chose to step out because he “didn’t wanna deal with me” and “wasn’t sure it was even his baby” 🙄 like okay cool, play stupid and paint me as the villain, idgaf because I know the truth. Not a lot of people believe me, which is why I appreciate comments like this that prove to me my daughter is better off without her sperm donor
@@es_fernyy This right here is why I share my story. So many women are shamed for leaving their horrible husbands, acting like that is going to hurt the child. Those same people don't rub their braincells hard enough to think what mental harm a child would go through, seeing their father mistreat their mother. Plus, a bad husband is almost always a bad father.
Don't let anyone shame you for putting you and your child first. Never forget: it isn't them who would suffer from their advice.
Yeah mine too. Both my parents codependent as hell. Her excuses were some bangers such as “he only hit me once” and “I’d have to sell the house”. I hate to say it but they’re honestly made for each other, like jesus your marriage is Old Yeller and it’s time to pull the trigger guys.
Yeahhhhh I kinda wish my mom left my dad. Maybe she never will but it sucks to see her have to do everything for him. They're the reason I'm scared of marriage. I'm a woman with two sisters and NONE of us want to be treated the way he treats her.
As the only girl in a guys friend group, I learned several little tricks against this. "I did already (insert what you did. Like cook, set the table, ...) so who is going to do (insert next needed task. Like do the dishes, make the dessert, ...)?" it highlights that they have done nothing until now.
Then there is the answer "Well, a good time to start learning it. So pay attention because next time I trust you can do it on your own" It gives lenience while also showing that this is an exemption from the norm.
A thing I often use with my father is turning the responsibility around like when he asks "What is for dinner?" I answer "Don't know, what did you have planned?" or "Do you know where my shirt is?" "don't know, last time I saw it was dirty, did you wash it already?"
A good alternative to having to do it yourself sometimes is giving a person the manual with "If you follow this to the letter, it should be fine" and then walking away.
Then there is the agreeing to them saying things like "We should do grocery shopping soon" which actually means "It's time you do grocery shopping" Simply say "Yes, when do you have time to do that? This is the list of things i want you to get on top of the things you want"
All of these responses are very kind while also telling the opposite person that you don't accept repetitive incompetence.
Dad won't help with the laundry?
Don't wash his clothes!
Dad won't help with the cooking?
Don't make him food!
Dad doesn't help with the baby?
Get a divorce and take the child!
after I was born, my dad kept fogetting(?) to buy snacks for all three of us, so my mom would have to share with me. Eventually she got sick of that, and just took both of the snacks for us. “well, one for me, and one for our daughter. didn’t you buy one for yourself?” LMAO
@natalipoland4482It’s really not that drastic when these guys literally resort to breaking things just to get out of doing something. Wasting items AND money.
@@thesleepydot the fact that your dad kept that one snack for himself everytime and let you share the other with your mom, instead of taking responsability for his mistake and making sure his family is fed is... quite unsettling. You already failed that one simple task, you can't even make it right and share with your own wife and kid on top of that?
@@maevab2923 it’s uhhh not THAT serious lol. he was being thoughtless. he didn’t think much of it, or that it’s a big deal. plus, it’s been 15 years at least lol. I was just sharing it as a funny story, specifically because my mom has some funny comebacks in cases like these :))
Nah, don't actually enter a relationship with such a person, let alone have children.
This is why I like himbos. No weaponized incompetence. Just incompetent.
REAL
for real
ITS JUST EASIER TO TEACH GENUINE IGNORANCE THAN LAZINESS
You know with them that they do want to help, they just actually aren't good at it. But because they want to help they are most likely willing to put in the effort to learn!
And you know they are willing to learn and improve themselves because they're still good people with morals at the end of the day.
I'm really lonely and depressed about being single and these videos actually make me feel a lot better.
I used to feel that way too, now I look around at all the women in miserable marriages with horrible men and I feel like I actually got lucky
Don't worry about relationships until you figure out how to be comfortable with yourself
@@aphrodieMonkey that is a nice idea but impractical for someone like me who has childhood issues and has been depressed since I was a little kid. It is really hard to recover from severe mental illness alone. People who do well single from the research tend to have good support systems and minimal trauma or mental health issues.
in one hand i dont wanna die alone y'know but in the other i rather die alone than live with a bastard like that
feels like a lose-lose situation
yeah theyre cope for bitter women
Im the queen of passive aggressiveness. Every time my ex “forgot” how to do something I walked around his mess not touching it. Dirty laundry on the floor? I only pick up mine and vacuum around it. His dirty dishes in the sink? Not to worry, while serving dinner I only clean the plate Im gonna use and then clean it afterwards.
I'm glad to see he's your ex!👏🏻
Men: "We built everything!"
Also men: "How to wash dishes? What is washing machine? Help, I'm too stupid to know how to make sandwich!"
its like those edits or videos of men on women saying that they don't need a man in their lives and they show men working.
like ok but im pretty sure you're stuck in your mommy's basement? you ain't working in constructions, and your small brain surely didn't create the inventions we have today.
the way men say they created laws and science as if forcing the other team to sit on the bench and then declaring your team the winner isn't pathetic...
as if they didn't criminalize women being politically and economically independent so that by default society would be controlled by men and for men (and then have the AUDACITY to complain about the burden of responsibility and how they're losing after less than one generation of equality, that's how much men suck)
It's giving timmy has two toy trucks while his sister has none and every day he complains about having to put both on the shelf. then his sister is given a truck and he immediately wants to destroy it, despite nothing being taken away from him.
Even kindergarteners have more emotional intelligence then grown men
"why are wemen divorce us :(("
also them
"I broke 3 to 5 plates to get out of housework and just lay around like a beanbag with a popped hole"
@@ricaboo9304 "beanbag with a popped hole" is the best thing I've heard all day
As my father used to say: "If you starve to deaf in the pantry: It's your own damn fault."
I had an ex that did this and I'd just meet it with vitriolic misandry. "I can't believe men have run the world all through history, look at this shit-" etc and he'd be insulted enough to actually show that he CAN do things correctly. If he has a job he can do whatever chore/can follow directions. I broke up with the guy, obviously, but I was at a point in my life where I liked having an excuse to be so rude to his momma's boy routine, it was cathartic.
Hell yeah.
Haha, I was actually gonna comment that if a husband or boyfriend tries to get out of washing dishes by breaking them, to just switch to plastic wares. Don't let him off the hook, just use crap he can't break. Ya know, if he's acting like he washes dishes like a 5-year-old, then just treat him like he's 5-years-old; kids still do chores, we just make it so they can do chores in less risky ways.
I use this when men say stupid shit like “they can’t help themselves”. “Wow you guys have no self control, you should absolutely not be leading nations then”
@@DogMechanic giving him plastic dishes won’t work because if he’s evil enough he’s just not gonna care and continue and break your dishes AND use your money eventually to buy new ones or even force you to buy them. Also. Or he will get mad and refuse to eat from the plastic and just ignore it afterwards and act like YOU’RE the crazy, immature one
iconic
I dated a man once who didn’t know how to make a sandwich, do a load of laundry or change his sheets. He called me once asking for help because his mom hadn’t brought him his meals yet and he was hungry. Never again.
Yikes
If only you could've dodged that bullet from the start 😬
HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW TO MAKE A SANDWHICH??????
I'm pretty sure you were dating a housecat
@@Romanticoutlawthat would explain everything and also be the only way I would find this behaviour forgivable... after all a cat would have a hard time making a sandwich
@@ricaboo9304 It's just bread bread... wait no- bread, onion, uh no that's not right. it's lettuce, milk... still not right. you know what, he is right it is very confusing, and there are no guides on google either, it is just too hard for people who are not born with intrinsic instincts of sandwich creation. 😔 after all that skill has been encoded to women's DNA hundreds of thousands of years ago, when they were making sandwiches and using laundry machines in caves, there is no competing with that.
21:27 “in both situations, no matter who is doing what, there is an influence of systemic patriarchal views of women which always places her as lesser than the man”
Great video except for one thing at 20:00. Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz would NEVER scheme against his partner, even his ex-wife. Plus he’s actively involved in his daughter’s life
Yeah, all of this despite the fact that neither of his parents showed up for his birth. What an amazing guy
He's a villainously good guy
He only scheems against "The Tri-State Area!!!"
Oh my word I just made a comment about this exact thing XD
Great minds think alike
@@mastermindinclude7198 *the entire tri-state area
"what can I do to stop my wife from asking me to do the chores?"
The best way for your wife to stop asking you to do the chores it's by doing them before she even asks you her to do them, able bodied man 🤨
Dawg, statistically speaking, she's also tired from work, not need for their to pull a double shift when you wouldn't want to. Some of my fellow men just embarrass the rest of us.
@@你好-戦 because society runs on money, and to be able to make ends meet both usually have to work, you can blame the economy and inflation for that
@@你好-戦 you can me househusband too, you got freedom, in the modern world we should be able to follow the path we want, if you want your wife to be the breadwinner alone, hey that's your prerogative.
@@你好-戦because she wants to?
@@你好-戦 Because having a job is personally fulfilling and many women have hopes, dreams, ambitions and goals???? Because women are people who want to engage with the world and exist as an active part of it?????
Where is this constant "construction site" of these arguments? Everytime the conversation turns to work, the argument goes with female lazy office job, man construction site👨🔧. Like ALL men work at a construction site.
And don't ger me started on the whole: being a sahm is easy compared to a construction site. Personally I've never been woken up in the middle of the night because the construction site I work at puked/peed/pooped all over their bed and rolled around in it for fun.
I used to use weaponized incompetence to get out of PE
lolll
this isn't generally at the expense of other people though 🫡
The only approved use
Gold Star ⭐️
The proper use lol
I would conveniently have a “asthma attack” when we had to run. I really do have asthma but it’s not that bad and mostly brought on by smoke and dust.
When i got pregnant unexpectedly (got told i couldn't have kids) and after giving birth i realized how differently we were raised...out of the sudden everything was my responsibility and he forgot how to do basic thing's and his mom scolded me and kept bragging about how she had two kids three jobs and still managed to do her wifely duties... other issues surfaced after our daughter was born but this was honestly a big part in me deciding to become a single mother
I'm glad you left him, and i hope you and your daughter are ok and happy!
I had a boyfriend like this. We were staying together but we hadn’t officially moved in together yet though he was at my place most of the time so yeah it looked that way. One day I was having such a horrible day and I asked him to cook because I was gonna be late from school. Well when I got home(exhausted af) he was just lying on the bed scrolling through his phone. I go to the pots but they are empty then he says “he forgot, his friend needed help with something and so he was pretty occupied and he’s tired” I say Ohk, but I see takeout so I ask him where mine is, he says he only got some for himself he thought I would just cook when I got back home. I just took a deep breath in and just called him to the door I said “come here” then I asked him to get tf out of my house. He thought I was joking but I was actually dumping his a$$. That’s the only solution to the deadbeats
This was therapeutic to read lol
Legendary
Gods I would never ever order food for myself and not do so for my partner, that is sacrilegous. Or go shopping and come home without a little nice something for him..and neither would he..damn...good on you for dumping the trash outside.
You rock, girl!💜
This topic is near and dear to my heart because I saw my dad practice it every day while I was growing up. My mom was a schoolteacher so she was automatically saddled with the responsibility of picking up the kids because she got off work early, but then she was also expected to clean, cook a meal, and complete paperwork for her job every night. My dad, on the other hand, came home and went into his office and browsed the internet until suppertime, and then afterwards until bedtime. And that part about 'men do men's work, like mowing the lawn'? It only took a few times of him pitching a fit because he'd bought the wrong size screw or whatever, and my mom stopped asking. Some guys will at least bring home an anniversary present! Mom gets flowers, a card, and taken out to dinner for every Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, and anniversary. Literally never anything else - not so much as a pair of earrings or a box of chocolates. They are both in their 70's now. When she went on a weeklong 'gal pals' trip, he had to call me to ask how to turn on the stovetop so he could heat up soup. He does not know how to do his own laundry. When we ask him 'what if something happens to mom, how will you look after yourself?' he just giggles about it: he fully expects either my sister or myself to drop everything in our lives and come home for him if that happens, or 'I'll just be a stinky old man!'
The arrangement, I was always told, was that 'Dad brings home the bacon, and Mom does the housework', but they are both retired now and she still does 100% of the housework, grocery shopping, etc. It is like she is living with a perpetual spoiled child, not an adult man, but she will not get a divorce because she's afraid at her age that she's too old to find anyone else to be with. Ladies, do not wait around for him to change, and for the love of God do not buy into Tiktok tradwife propaganda. My mom was the definition of a tradwife for my entire life and it burnt. her. out.
Honestly, being a tradwife is literally just being a mother and maid to your partner. I know it doesn't mean much, but I'm sending love to you and your mom. My dad is in his 70s (my mom in her 60s) both had jobs and they have always shared housework, he also did most of the cooking. My grandpa would get mad at my dad when he was younger because he used to help my grandma with the cooking, my grandpa thought it was "women's work" and beneath a man. I'm glad that my grandma was in a privileged enough position to divorce him. I don't know if his 2nd wife babied him, but I'm guessing probably. My dad never really kept in contact with him, my aunts did, I never understood why, he just made grandma miserable...
"he fully expects either my sister or myself to drop everything in our lives and come home for him if that happens" - Oh GOD. I'm one of 3 daughters from a couple like your parents. If this is what my dad thinks he best think again. None of us girls want to be mistreated like our mom
Please tell him he is a failure of a father and he acts like a child.
She wasn't a trad wife though, not really, trad wives are supposed to stay at home, and she also had a job. She was some strange overworked hybrid of a trad and a modern wife, doing the responsibilities of both, enjoying the benefits of neither.
@@aki-senkinn my mom was like this too :c
my "father" made her stop working and he told me it was my fault he wasn't allowing her to work.
just shows insecurity. we all deserve better than this, as children and as adults. hopefully we learn from this and give ourselves and our children a better life
This reminds me so much of my father😭. Bro did olympiad maths/IMO in China, skipped gaokao, and got into one of the most prestigious Chinese universities only to "Forget how to open a can"
☠💀
China may not have cans. I know India doesn't
and the glass jars. He forgot glass jars.
Was he ever in the team?
@@naveenjacob2440 I think he was.
So... here's the thing. On one hand, yes. Everything you said. On the other, I'm a lesbian, and I have seen this in lesbian relationships. I find that when I remove the behavior from the framework of gender roles and gender norms, societal expectations, etc., I end up more likely to call it what it is: emotional manipulation that borders on abuse, and depending on the context of the relationship, it seems to often tie into a much greater pattern of abuse.
I think if you see someone who has come to live with this kind of situation, there's a pretty good chance that if you so much as scratch the surface there you'll see patterns that will scare you for them.
I don't tend to look for red flags in other people's relationships, but I mean, I've been through enough at this point in my life that if you wave one in my face I'll have some questions.
My brother does this ALL THE TIME, so I have very personal beef concerning this topic. He basically does nothing in the household anymore and/or leaves things standing or laying around as if he's just forgotten them until someone else picks them up. I've stopped doing that a few years ago, my mom still does it. When she confrots him he starts screaming and brings up things from our literal childhood that my mom did wrong. Btw, he's 22, almost 23.
He wants to move in with a (male) friend of his, and I truly look forward to that happening :) I'm just mad that my mom is allowing him to take two of our cats because I'm very scared that he'll neglect them.
But most of all, I just truly hope he never has a wife. ❤
The heart after the last comment has me dead💀
NOT THE FUR BABIES ;0;
We are the same person
Nooo save the cats
male friend, then both of are going to be veryyy similar. sorry to say the cats are mostly likely going to get neglected, ask animal abuse on them if its becomes the worst
My ex had a masters in biochemical engineering and wouldn’t grocery shop for himself because “he didn’t know where anything was”
When I was doing my chemistry degree, I had to help all the boys in my physics lab with building their electric motors because they couldn't figure out how to actually strip the insulation from the wire before winding it (I kept telling them to redo it until it was right). Our society enables boys to be less competent even in the fields they are supposed to be good at.
That’s legit. Women are born with the aisles of every grocery store in the country downloaded into their brains so naturally we can do the shopping without having to, I don’t know, shop anyway and by all that shopping, learn where things are.
My masters in chemistry boyfriend wanted me to always heat up his frozen pizzas because "he doesn't know how to do it" himself. Lol, I know the equipment he works with is 100 times more complicated than a standard oven.
@@Evija3000That's at best laziness...holy hell...using a oven literally just takes looking up the instructions manual and the pizza instructions on the container
Some people may fail this I guess...but someone graduated in STEM? Dude is straight out on a mission to refuse to learn something so simple...
@@coda3223You seem to have ended up in a class of incompetent ppl
I’m built different because weaponized incompetence cannot work on me
“I put the food in the dryer” oh that’s fine, we will eat it for dinner
“I did not wash the dishes because I don’t know how to load the dishwasher” not a problem, because I will serve food on the dirty dishes. 🙂
Oh you ate fr
😂 how to win
It changes when you have kids though... you can't just neglect the kids because the father is a du***uck. Also this sh*t is reinforced by society - my friend has been going out of her mind with their kids' kindergarden. They were explicitly told multiple times to call the dad (who is working from home most of the time and is flexible, she has an on-site job and often can't even pick up the phone) should anything come up. They keep calling her and act surprised every time because 'she's the mother' and it's expected that she's the one responsible.
"oh the dryer is not working cuz you put a steak in the dryer? Just buy a new one 😊" "oh the clothes are burning cuz you put them in the oven to dry? Awe how sweet of you, but I'll be needing you catds cuz I have to go shopping now 🤭"
@@neon_lights I'd go with: "oh, you don't know how to do it? that's unfortunate, but practice makes perfect so you will be taking this task over for the foreseeable future, so that you have an opportunity to learn basic life skills."
My partner told me recently he hasn’t don’t the dishes because ‘there are plates in the sink, if you don’t leave them in the sink I’ll do them”.. well I took them out the sink a week ahead and they still ain’t done.
I work full time and my work requires I do prep at home on a night. I struggle to find time. He doesn’t work….
(Leave him) (woman can treat you better ❤)
WHY are you with him still? Good God Get a Grip Girl. Stop being a pickme and leave him. You can do better. Being single is better than being with a low value male.
@@Alexxxxclips that has nothing to do with gender. i had a roommate that basically managed to burn a pot of water and could not use a vacuum or cook pasta. she had been taught nothing by her parents. and i am now married to my husband and we both manage the household just fine as two men.
👏 LEAVE 👏 HIM 👏
What is he bringing to your life?
It's not nice of him to not help you when you're doing so much :((
This doesn't only apply to couples. I'm currently living with two men in a shared apartment and they are exactly like this.
For example, I was sick this week and now the apartment is a mess, because my roommates didn't clean the dishes or took out the trash. And a few weeks ago, when we had problems with the drain I was the only one who tried to stop the water from flooding the bathroom. One roommate was just standing there watching what I was doing and saying he can't help because he thought the water was disgusting (no shit!) and the other didn't even bother to leave his room.
I'm so happy when I can finally leave that place and move in with my girlfriend... This situation is literally breaking me and I already head several breakdowns and panic attacks because of everything
Similar situation at my place, but I'm a dude and live with a guy and a girl. I've tried to stop picking up after them and cleaning but they don't seem to care, and it's just my ocd that gets triggered when the cockroaches arrive.
I totally relate to the breakdowns. I lived with my extremely depressed friend (i have depression as well) and she would never take out the trash, nor clean the bathroom, nor take her rotting food out of the fridge (she never ate half of the groceries she bought because she would just doordash mcdonalds every two days) and the trash and dishes in the sink would pile up until i got completely fed up with our tiny apartment smelling like rotting food and I would deep clean everything. Then I would ask her about it and she would say “It’s not my fault, I’m mess-blind, you have to tell me if something is dirty.” Like… I am not your mother, it’s not my job to remind you to clean up after yourself. All of that was so traumatic, I can still remember the smell to this day. Not to mention, she never cleaned her own room, which is a personal choice, but eventually the stench of unwashed bedding and clothes started to leak out of her room and into the common space. It’s been two years and we aren’t really friends anymore…
I've had this problem too when I had a man roommate years ago. I got sick with food poisoning for 3 days straight, and when I was finally better, the cat litter was completely disgusting, the trash was overflowed, there were dishes in the sink that had been there for the whole time ... when I confronted him about it, I was like "so here's the thing, just because I was sick, doesn't mean these things don't get done, so when one of us is sick, " and he interrupted and said "you have to make sure you do it stilll." and I was like, .... "no, you need to pick up the slack for the other person who is physical not able to do it ...."
The only solution to this was to make a chore chart, and have us mark who did what and when. That worked actually, but was so infantilizing and still felt like I was a project manager lol.
@@KymLikesGames this is shocking...!
We started doing a chore chart too... But it's bot working anymore. It only worked for a month or so and now they stopped doing anything 🙄 Well I'll be gone in August. Can't wait 😊
@@just_resa congratulations! I'm sure your ww relationship will be so much better! Oh wait, I forgot about the statistics of abuse, divorce and ww relationships 😔
those husbands don't deserve clean the clothes and the food their wives give them
Had a coworker (in college, neurotypical) complain that alphabetizing was "too hard"
I printed out the alphabet for him. He wasn't amused but I was
to be fair....... i once had a task of alphabetizing conference badges and lanyards and we had to spell out the alphabet on a blackboard in the conference room just so everyone could have an easier time looking through the ready batch. it was silly for uni students but it really helped out
Printing the alphavebet it's something nice, if they really need help they have. If just are complaining to don't do that, at least they don't have excuse.
I have roommate or two who are neurotic and complain about cooking food so they only eat out. I got them a factor subscription and gave them 1 or 2 three-step recipes just to see how far I could lead the horse and not have it drink (or whatever the metaphor is)
No but that's actually really helpful! That's so embarassing of him to pretend to need help and get offended when someone offers it to him. I'd be grateful to get accommodations like that when needed.
No shortage of videos on here in which college students are floored by 'How many minutes in a quarter of an hour?', 'Name three foreign countries', and similar.
I (F) broke my hand not too long ago and so i am still struggling with my grip strength (im usually the one who opens jars and stuff for myself and my mom) so i couldnt open a bottle and had to ask my dad. He deadass said to me "oh women are all feminist and independent until they cant open something" and i just stared at him until he backtracked with a "its just a joke"
ew
people make comments like that then say it was a joke. no you definitely mean that.
WTF that’s so gross 😭
Does he not realize it’s about asking help to someone else ? And not gender. It didn’t need to be him. I hate how people make this about gender when it never ever was about gender but just basic human skills/kindness.
But it was just a joke, what?
So many men just want a wife-mom smh
It's even being idolised like crazy too, you must have heard that:
"When men truly falls in love they act like children and when women truly falls in love they act like mothers✨" bs
I remember a guy getting very offended over me talking about how important mutual efforts and investment is, he was like "you women are so complicated and selfish" "mums love selflessly and unconditionally do they ask for all this efforts to love you"
It's just the bare minimum! AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND/WIFE ISN'T YOUR MOM!
I assumed that dude was fairly young but still-
Menchildren x wifemum is a very toxic trope, lol
@@strawberryshortcake4345you should have tell the guy to date his mom then and see how he reacts
@@maevab2923 damn, I should have done that instead, wasted a good opportunity, such a shame.
Then complain she acts like a mom and cant see her atractive because he sees her as a mom(real story btw)
What if I help out with some of the chores and taking care of the baby, but I leave most of the housekeeping to my wife, and I focus on working and doing the hard, physical tasks like fixing the house's infrastructure and repairing things? Seems equitable to me. Gender equality isn't exclusively both partners doing the exact same tasks in a perfectly even 50/50 split. Men and women have natural strengths and weaknesses and complement each other, that's why heterosexual monogamous relationships have provided such a solid foundation in society since the beginning. I don't think traditional relationships are bad or toxic if the husband doesn't treat his wife like a servant
i told my mom’s friend about weaponized incompetence and she was SHOCKED. i think i actually changed her life
She was shocked she reinforced and coddled that behavior for years. Its a two way street. Someone has to pick up their slack
the crazy part is when other people, specifically women, try to excuse weaponized incompetence for other wives and mothers. if you want to live everyday with your husband or significant other not knowing how to do basic household tasks then do that, but don't except other people to be okay with it. "he doesn't know how to clean the baby's diaper, it's not his fault🥺" quite literally, yes it is. he knows he has a baby on the way, he should take it upon himself how to learn. whether that's going to a class, asking someone else how to show him, or watching a youtube video at the bare minimum. i get different times called for different things, but we are in a different time now. there are stay-at-home dads and dads who take care of the kids just as much as the mom. it took two people to get the baby here, it takes two people to raise it
I think the problem is, a lot of women, especially older women, have been indoctrinated into thinking this is “normal”. They’ve been raised into thinking that they need to take care of their husbands/boyfriends because “they’re dumb, they don’t know any better”. Thankfully, more younger women nowadays seem to not be falling for this bs, and are standing up for themselves.
Right??? Women aren’t born knowing how to change diapers either, if the wife knows how to change a diaper and the husband doesn’t it’s because she took the time to learn and he didn’t. Learning how to change a diaper is part of his responsibilities as a parent, so if he didn’t do that it’s absolutely his fault.
@@geekgirl_luv4262True. I guess this is why more women are going to college now because they have more initiative and are willing to learn new things.
My ex wife said she didn’t know how to do laundry, even after I showed her how. I thought, “no problem, I’ll do my own laundry, if she wants clean clothes she’ll figure it out.” She starting using the fact that she didn’t have clean clothes as an excuse not to go to work.
that's your fault, a woman should expect to be supported and elevated by her man.
@@MrViki60 bro make it make sense
would you at least say the same thing if the roles were reversed?
@@ProfessionalNon no.
“Freud, you win this round” absolutely sent me
The only thing I can really add is that the "traditional" dynamic of women staying home and taking care of the kids fulltime was a relatively short-lived standard that existed mostly within the middle and upper middle classes. Working class women throughout history (think: farmers, seamstresses, maids, nannies, etc.) did not have this dynamic in their homes. Further back in history, the nuclear family dynamic didn't even apply. We had tight-knit communities where labor and child rearing was not so atomized to single-family households. Children would be taken care of in larger multi-generational homes and that labor would be distributed among an entire group of people.
We do ourselves a disservice by conceding to this false narrative of the 2 parents and 2.5 kids as "tradition". Again, this was a VERY specific way of living within a certain socioeconomic class for a few decades. That is not tradition- it was an economic trend.
My wife and I have to start over in building a mutligenerational home. No one in our families do it. We don't want strangers raising our kids while we work. Initially she stayed home with the kids and I worked, but she didn't like it at all. So we switched and we are both happier for it. The plan is to encourage our children to stay home so we can all support eachother. And when they get old enough I'm going back to work again so we can have a higher than average house income.
comment goes hard
This is what I think every time I see the bs traditional family/gender roles stuff. Vast majority of the population for most of human society was lower class and only a small portion of people got to experience not doing labour.
Ooh I did not know this! Thank you for sharing that info I always wanted to know that
i’m using this for future arguments with my dad 🫡
Not to be "heterophobic" or "misandrist" but being a lesbian is truly a blessing lmao
ong we slay so hard🤪🫶
Same with being gay
@officerdeathyour the manifestation of cringe
ok@officerdeath
@officerdeath??
I definitely tried to do this as a kid, and my mom would have none of it. Now I'm a competent adult. Thank you.
my brother does this all the time. it’s so annoying, how does my mom believe he doesn’t understand how dishwashers work ?? 😭🙏
Same with my brother. I will definitely warn his future partner about him beforehand. Dont want anyone having to deal with him for his entire life like my mother has to. 🥲
Literally same with my brother. And my parents just give up and do everything instead. That boy is 17 YEARS OLD! when I was his age, I literally did everything around the house and looked after my siblings.
It’s so fucked up.
@@the_richcat hear hear !!
@@rx500android that is so fucked up :/
My brother says the same exact thing! He's 19 years old. And he thinks it's funny when I complain that I have to do all the work around the house!
in a relationship where one partner has to literally make and then deliver a child, it’s inherently NOT a 50/50 relationship. one partner has already done WAY more work than the other and i’m embarrassed for people that refuse to help
Agreed, if you agree to spend your life with a partner, and have a baby, it should be a contact that you are willing to help with that baby that you helped created
the fact that the skit you did from 6:30 to 9:54 is a conversation I can actually imagine a husband (using weaponised incompetence) having with his wife says a lot
I'm so particular about the way my clothes and dishes and... everything is cleaned. My wife cooks and I happily clean. She doesn't work so she makes sure my meals are prepped and my supplements are put together for the gym so I can grab and go. I love doing the laundry, its so relaxing. My coffee always tastes better when she makes it though❤
this is so cute i hope yall have a happy long life together
@@fromhell11112 when we argue I'll get set up on the couch and 20 minutes later she waddles out in her moo moo with the blanket and will say something like, "I'm still mad at you" then proceeded to climb on me where we'll lay for about an hour and I'll take her to bed because the couch is too rough for her fibromialga and we'll cuddle until she falls asleep. 10 years of the best of my life. Met her when I was 16 and she never fails to make me giggle like a teenage girl. She's the cute one, I'm just a lucky dork.
I love cleaning, it’s just nice and calming. It’s rewarding when you’re done cleaning, everything looks good. Sometimes I go into my aunty’s apartment and it’s usually messy. I clean it for her cuz I know she doesn’t have time
I hope ur having a good day :)
You are a rare find
this video was quite depressing ngl... those men don't want a wife or a gf, they want a mom who will do everything for them.
a glorified slave
@@ricaboo9304 Freud back at it again
So I’m a woman with ADHD who lives of my own. Household chores are the worst I get no joy out of doing them, so sometimes I’ll ask my friend for a “congratulations!!” When I do get something done and it really helps.
???????????????????????????????????
same! it really helps with motivation to do them later (a dopamine thing i wonder?)
Have you tried mixing boring chores with some fun audio, like music, podcasts, or audio books? It used to help me a lot.
@@vorona_ That's what I do too, music makes everything fun, it feels like I'm in some sick mv!
I think that’s okay, it’s just a problem when you expect a congratulations for doing what you’re supposed to etc., yk but yeah I definitely understand having a little celebratory dance 🕺🏾 or whatnot when you finish something you’ve been procrastinating about/dwelling on
Ladies: Weaponized Incompetence only works if you stay with him after/while he exhibits it.
I'm a bit scared with my boyfriend ...
He comes 2-4 days per week at my place but never help around ..
I know it's my home, but I Cook, clean and do the laundry for the two of us when he's here ...
I'm scared that if we live in the same home, he'll keep it that way ..
@@natchopeko It'll get worse if you move in together.
@@natchopeko Just don't do his laundry or cook for him if he doesn't help
@@natchopeko do not let this behavior continue! it is YOUR home so you make the rules! force him to do work around the house. if that doesn’t work, then don’t do anything for him until he starts doing stuff. if he stops after a while, then he’s not the one, leave him
The prizes for chores board can be great for neurodivergent families, but that includes both parents and kids. Its about giving yourself positive reinforcement though.
Yeah. When I was struggling to brush my teeth, I decided that I would give myself a sticker every night I managed to do so and I'd get a pizza party if I got a 1 month streak. Now I brush every night.
Best question to ask these husbands.
"Does your mother know about this before leaving you to be an adult? I'm so sorry for her"
A lot of times the mother (and father) end up enabling this sort of childish behavior
I was talking to this woman abt relationships. Told me she had lactose intolerance, and her husband tried to downplay it saying it wasn’t serious…until he got it. She says he can’t eat too much because then he vomits at night and “guess who has to clean it or else he will throw up again.” Typical momma’s boy. Then she told me not to get married. I felt so bad for her, I wanted to tell her to do better
what is bros diet
I prefer the term "stupidity with an ulterior motive"
Sounds about right
Say it louder for the idiots in the back.
That's too long
True
I prefer to call it what it is: abuse.
I am a fully passing trans man by now, but it is ASTONISHING how many compliments I get for simply caring about tasks and doing them efficiently/nicely. I find that the cis men around me tend to just do tasks so they are passing as fine, rather than putting in a little extra effort to make them look great. I also notice that a lot of men don't emote, ask for clarification, or ask secondary questions in conversations as much, which makes people think I am really nice guy when I do--but it was basically a rule of thumb for engaging with people when I was socially a woman. There continue to be more places I find where men can get away with doing a lot less, but be praised even more sometimes.
This could also be because I'm high-masking autistic who has a lot of empathy towards others and find it really uncomfortable being mean to anyone (even in a joking matter). I am very detailed oriented and a perfectonist at heart, so that also leads me to having higher standards for myself and the work I do for others. I think this is actually one of the reasons why autistic people who are socialized as women tend to be better at masking, and I see a lot of weaponized incompetence in the male autistic community.
@@tobiasdodd2598 dude i’ve noticed the EXACT SAME THING!!!! i’m not entirely fully passing yet but i mostly was in high school and it was genuinely wild how differently people treated me before and after transitioning. genuinely how did you describe my entire life LMAO
You will never be a man
If someone treats me like that, I’m out sorry, I really wouldn’t be able to handle this behaviour long term.
yeaaaa, i’d rather be alone
@@leileilei23 same
Yeah cut them off , samee
Fr that’s just so exhausting, you put the work of two people.
This video is great it fills me with primal, murderous rage at the sexist prejudices of society.
As someone with a dad who always cared for me and helped my mom, I will never understand how people think not helping is "raising" kids.
Absolutely insane UA-cam channel pull. The skits are so funny and it’s such a breath of fresh air to hear another viewpoint on life
My father used to tell my mother that these daily tasks were "what she was there for". And he would scream at us everytime he couldn't find something he had misplaced. Good times.
Please tell me you don't talk to him anymore. If you do, tell him he's a failure of a father.
@@theman5324 it's not that easy, I've already told him things but I can't say something like that to his face, he's my father after all, despite everything he's done wrong
@@clau_sing_ He may be a "father" by title, but if he never acted like one then he isn't one
@@clau_sing_so? All he did was provide a substance men easily part with every day. The fact that he says that to your mother should be enough to drop him completely. He's worthless. Your poor, unappreciated mother who risked her life to birth you and surely did absolutely every childcare task.
Pretty much every man I have known has used weaponized incompetence to some extent and I am over it. Some children will also do this too. It drives me absolutely nuts. Kids learn this from their fathers and they model that behavior.
Women need to call this out more often.
Every time the husband ruins something when doing a chore, just add it to a list of things he'll have to pay for himself. Buy even more expensive things using the money he'll have to keep paying for, basically make a debt list, and don't stop asking him to do things until he pays off the debt list. We'll see how long we can keep it going.
24:35 the good caring nurturing men are never the ones yelling “not all men!!” And “misandry! Misandry!”
as a woman, i have used weaponized incompetence before but only for my own safety. i lived with my ex earlier last year and we were trying to decide who does what chores which week. the second week, it was my turn to sweep the apartment and i went to do so, and he yelled at me so much for the way i swept. apparently it was “wrong” and it “took too long”. i didn’t feel safe at all and so i asked him to show me how to do it the “correct way. he showed me and i did it as he taught me but it was still wrong. he continued to yell at me and threatened me. so i acted dumb and not understand how to sweep just to avoid being abused. was it wrong? maybe. but you shouldn’t abuse your spouse and he was one of the worst people i dated. glad to be out, living on my own, and in a much better relationship
What you did was okay, you shouldn’t be made to feel like it was wrong. He should never have threatened you. In that situation I don’t see what else you could have done to avoid escalation of the situation. I hope you are healing and continue to heal ❤
@@Bully_Biscuit aww thank you so much! i completely agree and whenever i look back, i truly have no idea what else i could’ve done in that moment to protect myself. it just was the right thing and i can’t believe it was over something so minuscule as sweeping. i am definitely doing better, some days are harder than others. but its better than being stuck with someone who isn’t emotionally and mentally stable 😅 i hope you are doing wonderfully as well ❤️
My dad did the same thing❤❤
@tyronesebastian9151 Honestly, I wouldn't feel bad about it when you were legit concerned about your safety. Have you heard of fight, flight or freeze? They've added a 4th "F" sometime recently, fawn. Fawning can absolutely be a way for your brain to try to keep you safe. When adrenaline kicks up, and before your frontal context can even engage, your brain on a "lizard brain" level makes an instant decision on what it needs to do to keep you alive and safe. Kinda like how if you're driving a car and someone almost side swipes you, you don't have time to think about it. You just react immediately (honking, swerving, braking, etc). It's only later (and usually after the incident is over) you can really think through what just happened.
I'm glad you're in a better place in your life. Best of luck working through the broom trauma, you never deserved to be put in that scary situation in the first place.
i'm not even sure if this counts as weaponised incompetence tbh. it sounds more like he was just conjuring up some incompetence from nothing to use against you. either way, it sounds like hell to deal with, and i'm glad you're doing better
There's a great plotline in Liv & Maddie about weaponized incompetence. Parker (son) pretended to be incompetent so Karen (mom) wouldn't make him do chores. Karen set up a playdate for him with a kid named Evan, who was a stereotypically goody-two shoes. Parker decided to teach Evan "The Parker Way" of getting out of chores, but what he didn't know is that Karen had already talked to Evan about it and she and Evan both teamed up to show Parker how refusing your responsibilities means refusing to do big kid things like throwing stuff in a wood chipper or something idk I haven't watched the episode in years lol
Praising men for doing their shared responsibilities feels like thanking drivers for stopping at a pedestrian crossing...
Or as they say, praising a fish just because it can swim !
Wasn’t part of the video her pointing out that women don’t get praise for “shared responsibilities”? So maybe instead of bringing both genders down by removing praise from the gender that gets it, bring both genders up by pushing for more appreciation for women? I assume you are not a man and as such have not received the “praise” men get for performing their relationship duties, but it is usually very denigrating praise. Examples being; helping with a baby we get called a “Babysitter” or doing housework we are “giving the mom a break”, the “praise we receive is backhanded and relegates us to second class members in our own relationship. There are two distinct sides to the problem and communication is key as each person only gets to view their gender’s side.
Well I kind of do thank drivers for stopping at a crossing for me. Not that I make some kind of a huge deal out of it, but I do give the drivers courteous nod.
A little thank you and appreciation for someone doing their job even if it is their obligation is I think a nice gesture.
I usually smile and nod, because I recognize that being considerate isn't a universal and commonly held value, and it's nice to atleast give a bit of a credit.
Women never help with mens domestic work.
This happens in the gay community too. My exhusband pulled this shit and it was the main reason we broke up. I couldn't handle the constant disappointment anymore.
My new fiancé is an ICU nurse who actually has his stuff together. I'm still the primary homemaker in the relationship, mind you, but I don't mind doing so since he works more hours than I do, as well as him doing housework when he's free.
i personally like the idea of not doing anything for a willfully incompetent man; if he can't figure out how to cook then he can starve. can't figure out the washing machine? wear a diaper. can't drive? then crawl. i don't know how people find the patience for such stupidity from their partners but if these men were even remotely related to me they'd be out before they know any better.
as adults, take the initiative to identify gaps in your knowledge and LEARN. anyone who doesn't understand that isn't good enough to be in my circle, simple as that.
A gap in knowledge cannot be addressed if it's not identified. You will, in all relationships, find that your partner does not know everything. Wilful ignorance is what shouldn't be tolerated, not knowing things can be solved easily. In your future relationships, if your partner is failing to do a chore/task correctly, then congrats, you kinda need to be a partner to that person and help them learn and grow. In a healthy relationship, they're going to do the same to you on tasks you don't know how to do.
If children are involved women do these chores you know what would they do and also some of these men can be abusive.So not everyone can behave like you.
@@ShiftyMcGoggles note the express use of the term "WILLFUL"
@@blueee6306 I'm struggling to understand what this comment is supposed to mean??
@@Sadee.456 Yeah, that's on me. I completely missed that word when reading through, probably due to my brain screaming about maybe capitalising your I's. OCD grammar hang-ups aside, your strategy should work, if you make sure you point out to them clearly that this is what you'll be doing.
feigning incompetence would get me out of a relationship so fast. if i start to see you as a barely functional human being then all of my attraction for you is gone
what a great new saying for manipulation.
weaponized incompetence is manipulation but manipulation is not just weaponized incompetence
@@milkamoussseso true
@@milkamousssetrue, it's like a subcategory of sorts?
like an aspect of it
That's domestic abuse.
9:31 can we just give her an Oscar already
as a dude, i have learned so much from these videos. if i ever have sons i am gonna raise them to be different 🙏
My ex tried this with me once. He failed at making box mac and cheese, by mixing all the cold ingredients together instead of in the hot pasta as per the instructions. I wouldn't have roasted him as hard as I did, but he claimed he had an 180 IQ lol. I told everyone, including new friends, and coworkers and laughed loudly about how stupid he was. Public shame works wonders on weaponized incompetence.
Damn that was kind of mean
@@jreamscape
Yeah lol. That was the point. Read the box Mr. 180 IQ.
@@jreamscape dude shut up
He has such a high iq yet can’t or won’t read and follow box instructions?
Ruined is very dramatic. Assuming the pasta was cooked it would not have made much of a difference once the ingredients are mixed together.
My partner fairly recently got an ADHD diagnosis, and that bit of knowledge has been very good for our communication. Like, the difference between 'hey, when are you finally gonna do groceries?' and asking specifically whether he got sucked into some other task or is working his brain into the proper mindset helped a lot for both of us to be patient with each other.
I mean, I can't even imagine either of us doing tasks incompetently to avoid chores. We both have things we genuinely cannot do properly because of disabilities and the fear of someone thinking we are doing that on purpose comes up whenever we are asked to do such a task.
It's great that you were able to work this out!
I'm glad that you are understanding and patient with his condition. Honestly most people with ADHD don't have this, and it leads to a lot of broken relationships
@@ptlovelight2971As am I. My limited understanding of ADHD was based on the hyperactive type which is more commonly associated with men. My partner has the inattentive type and has only recently started identifying as masculine, so for him it had also never occurred as a possibility.
We both had our own self-recriminations and fears of being deemed 'lazy' (I'm still very vulnerable to that particular accusation). The road to accepting that you cannot do certain things no matter how much you might want to or your society might expect you to is a rough one that I had to deal with as well, which probably helped a lot in my empathizing.
Which makes the fact that some people purposely do a shitty job to avoid chores in their relationships outright infuriating to me. People with impairments often have enough impostor syndrome as is.
"If you do the job badly enough sometimes you never get asked to do it again." --Calvin & Hobbes
I remember growing up so confused about the whole men not doing anything around the house, just cause my dad is a full time worker and he's the one that cooks, cleans and most if not all of the household chores. While my mom was always worked and was busy. She helped when she could but she was the very busy one. But so many adults always said my dad was amazing and praised him. And he always said people are just weird