I have to take a break. After the first few sentences. You’ve explained myself to me. It’s overwhelming true that I did project my especially nice self onto my narcissistic psychopathic mother to survive. I’ve survived by decades now, and it’s now clear to me how this happened. And why I still project my good self onto others who clearly miss the mark. Whew. What a huge relief to let this go. My bingo card is full. Thank you.
My thoughts exactly. I’m over 80 now, and I’ve only recently come across this narcissist thing. It affected my whole life, I couldn’t escape myself. Nice to feel not so alone.
When I was a child I was told “Don’t bother me.” So I tried not to be a bother to people. When I was a young adult and would be crying because I needed guidance and comfort, I was told “ I don’t know what to tell you.” So I felt that my feelings didn’t matter. It was all very messed up.
Yes. This is the pattern that goes on inside me. Thank you for so clearly parsing it out. It’s quite a sad situation for a child to have to live through. It’s affected every area of my life.
These videos are incredibly provoking. Wow. I have this vision of relationships. Two people a pile of clothes between them. Some stained, dirty, stretched, worn out, some clean, pressed, tailored. I can see my part now. I sit passive and let the other person, without objection or challenge, do the sorting. Often the cloths i end up with dont fit well, are dirty or worn. Thinking I'm being gracious, responsible, doing my part, I assume this must be who I am. I must work to make these cloths work, alter them or myself. I feel proud when I can do this. Or i can win the sorters favour to want better for me, see me as worthy. But the relationships never really last. In keeping with the clothing metaphor, they come apart at the seams. I've been so focused on working with the assigned clothes (aka identity I've been assigned) that it has never occurred to me to take an active role in the actual sorting process. Instead, I assume the unwanted and cast-off bits and pieces. To do otherwise feels pushy, selfish, dangerous. 😢 I don't want to be in relationships where I'm all the bad stuff, hoping someone else will assign me some of the good stuff. How sad to have lived so long thinking I was doing the right thing, just needed to do it better. Thanks Jay.
It took me forever to not feel at fault for my mom’s behavior, and the resulting behaviors, and this even further puts it into words. I experienced the “dressed” example myself, and I would add that at a very young age, while I knew what I liked and wanted to wear as opposed to her choices, for the most part I gave up (and on everything I wanted to do) by age 10 or so because the rage and abuse just weren’t worth it anymore. I still struggle with discounting myself but recognize it and have improved some. I think I do this projecting good qualities thing for sure..thank you for this insight.
Also, when it is a child standing up to the original parental narcissist, the not so obvious punishments can/will include - Subtle gaslighting, love-bombing, confusing sweet/mean cycles, passive aggression, triangulation, rewards for subservience. Setting you up for confusing mistreatment by others by whispering in their ear, negative things about you, including to friends, family friends, extended family, everyone that may meet you that the narcissist can control.
You got that right, unfortunately.. It's horrible that there's so many people out there like this It makes it harder to discern who can truly be trusted, right?
there is also violence, revenge, damage to you, your property, etc.....I am doing my best to prepare my soul for heaven because it's really hard to have peace and joy in life when tormented by such people -- and the sick and sad part is, I still sometimes with we could have a relationship. Talk about fight and FAWN. Too often, I'm an outlier and not explained/described.
Every single of your videos hits so precisely into the center of my emotional experiences. In this video also the wording is what I got to hear by my mother. Yes, ahe felt threatened by what I saw and said. I learned to distord my view, my perception, my understanding and still am wandering and pondering about her being ‚right‘ and me being the one who in ‚reality‘ does not understand properly… it is so tiring to live with this distortion. 😮💨
I still have a hard time feeling good enough. I never got that I needed to project my good parts onto my mother to survive basically. I continued that pattern with my narcissistic partner. I can see it in how I operate among colleagues and so on. It left me exhausted until I learnt this. Thats why I struggle to see the good qualities in me and feel I have to bring extra in order to be a little accepted. I am 50 years old and amazed by what I learnt from your video today
Never felt bad about myself, ever. But I did take on my mothers karma and tried for decades to support her, all the while she used me and kept me subjugated and controlled. I spent my life believing others were moral, good and honest, only to be betrayed and abused over and over. Now I’m finally awake, I see and comprehend the narcissism all around me, and I don’t need society anymore. My family is estranged happily. I have peace, and can finally bloom in my own goodness without that sickening lie hanging around my neck, pulling me under while I gave it the benefit of the doubt. 🕊️🕊️🕊️🕊️🕊️🕊️🕊️
Thank you for discussing this more in depth. I have gotten myself into trouble because i project my own positive qualities and mental processes onto others, and it seems that it until I am shown that without a doubt the person doesn't have that quality nor engage in the same processes, that I started to see them as they really were. It would take years, and is extremely scary. My mom is who the original attachment wound was with, and it is really really difficult for me to consider her a perpetrator. Except, i have dated multiple versions of her, that did end up becoming violent when I would try to leave.
This is something I struggle with. The long term coercive control shapes us. People tell us we should just ignore the haters but when it's our tribe and close relationships doing this to us, it hits different. Makes me desperate to toss my treasure overboard to stay afloat and alive in a cruel sea. Very cool shout out to the subreddit. I constantly recommend Jay Reid, Jerry Wise, and Rebecca Mandeville there as my favorite resources. I broke no contact this year and heard talking behind my back and seering contempt for my sliver of good fortune this year. No wonder I have that introjection inside me that wants to scuttle my treasure to stay afloat among those I was raised with. I literally have to be in a lower position so my family can be appeased.
Very true. I would go on to say that not only are good qualities projected but that the narcissist “takes” credit for their good qualities. So it’s not so much of actions from the child as much as it’s the taking action from the narcissist. Ex; Saying really nice things to people, being supportive and kind, and then the narcissist would regurgitate those same words. Or I would clean the whole house and then the narcissist said she did. Or if I was complimented the narcissist pretended that what I was complimented for was bc of their influence. Or even the opposite, if I was complimented the narcissist played the “poor me” card ie “gosh I wish I could be like that” head down trying to extract sympathy and make it about them (even their shortcomings) rather than celebrate the accomplishments of another.
Great video, Jay -- I really enjoy your stories. I've been learning about these patterns, so to speak, for several years, and I wish that I'd received the help that I'd deserved when I was in my late teens. It was only recently that I worked out that the main thing that I've been doing wrong is trying to be too moral and that that has had a highly toxic impact on my life -- another self-destructive by-product of the scapegoat role. Thank you for your channel, Jay -- it's really helping me.
I always saw that dynamic as being one 'affirming' the other -- it's still very selfish. The narc sibling though, as I noticed? No remorse, no shame, no care, no guilt.....as the parents age, one is having heart surgery, the other has a crippling neuromuscular genetic disorder.....the abused child, myself, can't bear to watch and not help. May the Lord reward me later, and protect me sooner. Honestly, if one parent is toxic, and the other didn't leave and get help, grow? They are toxic too.
How do we form our own identity? Pick our own cloths so to speak, if we see our impact in the world and on others through such distortion? Cant we only know ourselves through relation? How do we know we're not just living in a curated reality like pur npd parerns and family? Feeling good enough about myself, feels like it risks living in npd like distortion.
I ended up being "good" but I don’t personally feel any morals or ethics. My goodness and not hurting others serves me as in "I'm not insecure like you, you dumb narc". In my mind, abusing others would only mean I am insecure. Not because I genuinely STILL feel any real morals. My morals are very strong and scapegoatish, but they are just OCDish fairness that is just innate. Even today, I still hate the word kindness. Most human limitations come from fear, most morals are fear-based, I hate idea of being scared of judgement, I just "am"fair. I treat everyone good but I just hate doing anything because of morals. I am good because that's how "dope" I am, that's how superior I am to dumb narcs. Narc and even enabler are now destroyed while I'm having fun, living life smoking NEP and eating Khachapuri.
I think it’s good that you ‘hate doing anything good because of morals’…honestly, no one should be doing anything for the sake of a moral, as if that does any real good, but for the good of the other person. AND the good of the other person does not always mean we ‘treat them with kindness’ since many people do not understand what real kindness IS. Many people think it’s ‘’niceness’’. Nice is fake, kindness is real. Sometimes kindness can appear to be mean and/or cruel to another..example- a child keeps running across a busy road to retrieve the ball, and the parent takes the ball away after several warnings. The kindness is that taking the ball away is keeping the child safe since they haven’t become aware of the reason behind the restriction which is their headlong desire to just play and not care or learn to be aware of the dangers. To the child, the parent is being ‘’mean’’, but it’s actually a great kindness. In the Catholic Church teachings there were two kinds of reasons for confession- one being out of fear of god and the rightful punishment the sin confessed deserves, and the other is out of sincere true remorse. The first kind, out of fear is considered a lesser spiritual quality, but out of mercy it is accepted as valid since all our human natures are fallen. The second kind- which I do believe is what you’re trying to say, is how it should be. …that people do things (morals) out of sincere truthful desire, not fear as the motivation. Many people are not at that level. You’re not really treating other people good when you say you are ‘’superior’’ to ‘’dumb narcs’’ and ‘that the ones in your past have been ’destroyed’’….It sounds to me somewhere in your development a narcissistic religious or over controlling parent did damage to you and now you’re hot-trigger avoidant of authority in general. This is completely understandable given that sort of abuse, but what you have written tells me you have healing to do. And I wish that discovery of true, good, life-giving authority for you. Your lifestyle now is probably necessary for you to create a psychological balance within yourself but in time you might see how it won’t be fulfilling to your good growth and development and want a change. You want real judgement not the stuff that society pins of people ‘’of certain character’’…you will though respect real judgement I feel, and that is a good thing. I just hope you won’t lash out at real judgement when you meet it, but instead hold the desire to dismiss, laugh or scoff at it, but instead take it in to consider. I know that’s difficult when the abuse you suffered was choking the life that is uniquely and wonderfully YOU. I’m sorry that happened to you and I wish for you total healing and real goodness to your own personal growth.
You do good or treat others well not because of learned morals. You do good because it feels good, because it is connected to the feeling of love, empathy and compassion, which a universal and tangible human attribute, but is something the narcissist is missing. Is it moralistic to love and pat the cat rather than kick it? Or is it a natural inclination? What is NEP?
@nimrodelbeats I’m hearing this in a kind of bad ass warrior way. Like you win… by being you, the opposite of them and you’re not going down any road of rules from others… morals… I think it’s the like the rules or roadmap of your warrior marrow- as in bone marrow I don’t know what NEP is. All the best
Thank You Jay! Funny enough you helped me not by identifying me in your videos but my long limerent love which closed door without clearing enough to me as Dismissive Avoidants do. Your videos describe her 100% from years long I was able to see her. Now I know where it all comes from and it helps me to identify even my insecure attachment parts to heal myself.
I think it has more to do with constantly being kicked in one way or another so when we meet others that seems to be kicked (unfortunately there are a lot of narc pretenders) we have empathy for them. I have always been told I got my hard knocks because of choices. Now I function that way about everything. Your kid drowning? They should have made better choices....
I heard this from another psychologist, perhaps you: Would it be fair to say that the way the narcissistic parent operates is that they are not taking responsibility for their negative qualities, and because of their position of authority they are able to force another to supposedly acquire those qualities? If they would simply take responsibility for those negative qualities, the narcissistic behavior would stop. How it takes place between two adults I guess is a different phenomenon? Also I was a scapegoat but unfortunately I see this behavior in the way I treat my cat... I don't hit her but I yell at her when she wants affection but I don't have time to give it to her or feel unable to give it to her. So then as you say she's pointing out my inadequacy, so I get angry at her... 😢. Of course this happens multiple times during the day... So the abused became the abuser. I will keep listening to the video and perhaps purchase your healing kit. Your videos are very helpful Mr Reid, thank you.
Interesting comparison of translocating your supposed learned narc abuse onto an animal. I looked after a lovely golden retriever for a while but felt quite uncomfortable because he would often sit and gaze at me adoringly. Now I have a German spitz mix who is very cute but naughty, cunning and somewhat disobedient who suits me much better. I can relate it to growing up with a narc mother and learning to be so good to get scraps of attention but really I’m a adult who never got to be a normal kid so my little dog reflects that and I can love her and forgive her and let her be herself without controlling her too much. Hope that makes sense.
Jay, are you able to do any videos that expand the dynamic of relationships with narcissists who aren’t necessarily your parents? Ex; roommates, bosses, etc. Thanks for considering it.
Ditch every narcissist that isn't even your family, Melissa. Familiar narcs are bad enough, but they at least they came in our life without our consent. But what do you want with other narcs? Ditch them for good.
Reading about this type of trauma really helps me and Journaling how I actually experienced being defined negatively by my parents. The emotional abuse Created a Negative identity.
I have to take a break. After the first few sentences. You’ve explained myself to me. It’s overwhelming true that I did project my especially nice self onto my narcissistic psychopathic mother to survive. I’ve survived by decades now, and it’s now clear to me how this happened. And why I still project my good self onto others who clearly miss the mark. Whew. What a huge relief to let this go. My bingo card is full. Thank you.
My thoughts exactly. I’m over 80 now, and I’ve only recently come across this narcissist thing. It affected my whole life, I couldn’t escape myself. Nice to feel not so alone.
@Freda-c7c Hi Freda, I hope you are in good health. Great to be so open- and ultimately there for yourself to find this information and healing.
You have been incredibly central to my healing and I cannot thank you enough.
Same
It's so disturbing to me that my disordered parents' behaviors were so normalized that normal behaviors are almost inconceivable to my mind.
When I was a child I was told “Don’t bother me.” So I tried not to be a bother to people. When I was a young adult and would be crying because I needed guidance and comfort, I was told “ I don’t know what to tell you.” So I felt that my feelings didn’t matter. It was all very messed up.
Yes. This is the pattern that goes on inside me. Thank you for so clearly parsing it out. It’s quite a sad situation for a child to have to live through. It’s affected every area of my life.
These videos are incredibly provoking. Wow. I have this vision of relationships. Two people a pile of clothes between them. Some stained, dirty, stretched, worn out, some clean, pressed, tailored. I can see my part now. I sit passive and let the other person, without objection or challenge, do the sorting. Often the cloths i end up with dont fit well, are dirty or worn. Thinking I'm being gracious, responsible, doing my part, I assume this must be who I am. I must work to make these cloths work, alter them or myself. I feel proud when I can do this. Or i can win the sorters favour to want better for me, see me as worthy. But the relationships never really last. In keeping with the clothing metaphor, they come apart at the seams. I've been so focused on working with the assigned clothes (aka identity I've been assigned) that it has never occurred to me to take an active role in the actual sorting process. Instead, I assume the unwanted and cast-off bits and pieces. To do otherwise feels pushy, selfish, dangerous. 😢 I don't want to be in relationships where I'm all the bad stuff, hoping someone else will assign me some of the good stuff. How sad to have lived so long thinking I was doing the right thing, just needed to do it better. Thanks Jay.
Love you Jay. You helped take my healing to the next level. Happy New Year 🎉
It took me forever to not feel at fault for my mom’s behavior, and the resulting behaviors, and this even further puts it into words. I experienced the “dressed” example myself, and I would add that at a very young age, while I knew what I liked and wanted to wear as opposed to her choices, for the most part I gave up (and on everything I wanted to do) by age 10 or so because the rage and abuse just weren’t worth it anymore. I still struggle with discounting myself but recognize it and have improved some. I think I do this projecting good qualities thing for sure..thank you for this insight.
I resonate.
I would also say that when you stand up to a narcissist, retaliation isn’t the only response, also playing the victim.
Also, when it is a child standing up to the original parental narcissist, the not so obvious punishments can/will include - Subtle gaslighting, love-bombing, confusing sweet/mean cycles, passive aggression, triangulation, rewards for subservience. Setting you up for confusing mistreatment by others by whispering in their ear, negative things about you, including to friends, family friends, extended family, everyone that may meet you that the narcissist can control.
You got that right, unfortunately..
It's horrible that there's so many people out there like this
It makes it harder to discern who can truly be trusted, right?
there is also violence, revenge, damage to you, your property, etc.....I am doing my best to prepare my soul for heaven because it's really hard to have peace and joy in life when tormented by such people -- and the sick and sad part is, I still sometimes with we could have a relationship. Talk about fight and FAWN. Too often, I'm an outlier and not explained/described.
@@beautiful_waters2224 It destroys trust in others and faith in ones own intuition.
@@beautiful_waters2224 It destroys trust in others and faith in ones own intuition.
My guy, you shine ✨
Jay, I found your channel just the other day. So glad I did!
Every single of your videos hits so precisely into the center of my emotional experiences. In this video also the wording is what I got to hear by my mother. Yes, ahe felt threatened by what I saw and said. I learned to distord my view, my perception, my understanding and still am wandering and pondering about her being ‚right‘ and me being the one who in ‚reality‘ does not understand properly… it is so tiring to live with this distortion. 😮💨
Oh my lordy this is confronting ahhaahah. Thankyou
I still have a hard time feeling good enough. I never got that I needed to project my good parts onto my mother to survive basically. I continued that pattern with my narcissistic partner. I can see it in how I operate among colleagues and so on. It left me exhausted until I learnt this.
Thats why I struggle to see the good qualities in me and feel I have to bring extra in order to be a little accepted. I am 50 years old and amazed by what I learnt from your video today
Never felt bad about myself, ever. But I did take on my mothers karma and tried for decades to support her, all the while she used me and kept me subjugated and controlled. I spent my life believing others were moral, good and honest, only to be betrayed and abused over and over. Now I’m finally awake, I see and comprehend the narcissism all around me, and I don’t need society anymore. My family is estranged happily. I have peace, and can finally bloom in my own goodness without that sickening lie hanging around my neck, pulling me under while I gave it the benefit of the doubt. 🕊️🕊️🕊️🕊️🕊️🕊️🕊️
Truth!!!!!
Thank you for discussing this more in depth. I have gotten myself into trouble because i project my own positive qualities and mental processes onto others, and it seems that it until I am shown that without a doubt the person doesn't have that quality nor engage in the same processes, that I started to see them as they really were. It would take years, and is extremely scary. My mom is who the original attachment wound was with, and it is really really difficult for me to consider her a perpetrator. Except, i have dated multiple versions of her, that did end up becoming violent when I would try to leave.
This is something I struggle with. The long term coercive control shapes us. People tell us we should just ignore the haters but when it's our tribe and close relationships doing this to us, it hits different. Makes me desperate to toss my treasure overboard to stay afloat and alive in a cruel sea.
Very cool shout out to the subreddit. I constantly recommend Jay Reid, Jerry Wise, and Rebecca Mandeville there as my favorite resources.
I broke no contact this year and heard talking behind my back and seering contempt for my sliver of good fortune this year. No wonder I have that introjection inside me that wants to scuttle my treasure to stay afloat among those I was raised with. I literally have to be in a lower position so my family can be appeased.
Very true. I would go on to say that not only are good qualities projected but that the narcissist “takes” credit for their good qualities. So it’s not so much of actions from the child as much as it’s the taking action from the narcissist. Ex; Saying really nice things to people, being supportive and kind, and then the narcissist would regurgitate those same words. Or I would clean the whole house and then the narcissist said she did. Or if I was complimented the narcissist pretended that what I was complimented for was bc of their influence. Or even the opposite, if I was complimented the narcissist played the “poor me” card ie “gosh I wish I could be like that” head down trying to extract sympathy and make it about them (even their shortcomings) rather than celebrate the accomplishments of another.
Wow. Brilliant.
Great video, Jay -- I really enjoy your stories. I've been learning about these patterns, so to speak, for several years, and I wish that I'd received the help that I'd deserved when I was in my late teens. It was only recently that I worked out that the main thing that I've been doing wrong is trying to be too moral and that that has had a highly toxic impact on my life -- another self-destructive by-product of the scapegoat role.
Thank you for your channel, Jay -- it's really helping me.
Thank you Jay. Incredible solid analysis. Summarizes my history verbatim.
I always wondered why my brother kept identifying with our toxic father
My thoughts precisely too ❤
I always saw that dynamic as being one 'affirming' the other -- it's still very selfish. The narc sibling though, as I noticed? No remorse, no shame, no care, no guilt.....as the parents age, one is having heart surgery, the other has a crippling neuromuscular genetic disorder.....the abused child, myself, can't bear to watch and not help. May the Lord reward me later, and protect me sooner. Honestly, if one parent is toxic, and the other didn't leave and get help, grow? They are toxic too.
Wow - it's such a crazy-making scenario, especially if you don't tow the line.
@kimberlymccracken747 Yep and the enablers, it’s mind bending
Be nothing was my strategy. Attention is still a problem.
How do we form our own identity? Pick our own cloths so to speak, if we see our impact in the world and on others through such distortion? Cant we only know ourselves through relation? How do we know we're not just living in a curated reality like pur npd parerns and family? Feeling good enough about myself, feels like it risks living in npd like distortion.
Omg now i know 😮 i always make others look good but myself bad by talking good about them unconsciously 💙💙🥺
I ended up being "good" but I don’t personally feel any morals or ethics. My goodness and not hurting others serves me as in "I'm not insecure like you, you dumb narc". In my mind, abusing others would only mean I am insecure. Not because I genuinely STILL feel any real morals.
My morals are very strong and scapegoatish, but they are just OCDish fairness that is just innate. Even today, I still hate the word kindness. Most human limitations come from fear, most morals are fear-based, I hate idea of being scared of judgement, I just "am"fair.
I treat everyone good but I just hate doing anything because of morals. I am good because that's how "dope" I am, that's how superior I am to dumb narcs. Narc and even enabler are now destroyed while I'm having fun, living life smoking NEP and eating Khachapuri.
What?
I think it’s good that you ‘hate doing anything good because of morals’…honestly, no one should be doing anything for the sake of a moral, as if that does any real good, but for the good of the other person. AND the good of the other person does not always mean we ‘treat them with kindness’ since many people do not understand what real kindness IS. Many people think it’s ‘’niceness’’. Nice is fake, kindness is real. Sometimes kindness can appear to be mean and/or cruel to another..example- a child keeps running across a busy road to retrieve the ball, and the parent takes the ball away after several warnings. The kindness is that taking the ball away is keeping the child safe since they haven’t become aware of the reason behind the restriction which is their headlong desire to just play and not care or learn to be aware of the dangers. To the child, the parent is being ‘’mean’’, but it’s actually a great kindness.
In the Catholic Church teachings there were two kinds of reasons for confession- one being out of fear of god and the rightful punishment the sin confessed deserves, and the other is out of sincere true remorse. The first kind, out of fear is considered a lesser spiritual quality, but out of mercy it is accepted as valid since all our human natures are fallen. The second kind- which I do believe is what you’re trying to say, is how it should be. …that people do things (morals) out of sincere truthful desire, not fear as the motivation. Many people are not at that level.
You’re not really treating other people good when you say you are ‘’superior’’ to ‘’dumb narcs’’ and ‘that the ones in your past have been ’destroyed’’….It sounds to me somewhere in your development a narcissistic religious or over controlling parent did damage to you and now you’re hot-trigger avoidant of authority in general. This is completely understandable given that sort of abuse, but what you have written tells me you have healing to do. And I wish that discovery of true, good, life-giving authority for you. Your lifestyle now is probably necessary for you to create a psychological balance within yourself but in time you might see how it won’t be fulfilling to your good growth and development and want a change. You want real judgement not the stuff that society pins of people ‘’of certain character’’…you will though respect real judgement I feel, and that is a good thing. I just hope you won’t lash out at real judgement when you meet it, but instead hold the desire to dismiss, laugh or scoff at it, but instead take it in to consider. I know that’s difficult when the abuse you suffered was choking the life that is uniquely and wonderfully YOU. I’m sorry that happened to you and I wish for you total healing and real goodness to your own personal growth.
You do good or treat others well not because of learned morals. You do good because it feels good, because it is connected to the feeling of love, empathy and compassion, which a universal and tangible human attribute, but is something the narcissist is missing. Is it moralistic to love and pat the cat rather than kick it? Or is it a natural inclination? What is NEP?
I think narcs only have moral compass based on others validation. They don't really have natural kindness or feelings like thst
@nimrodelbeats
I’m hearing this in a kind of bad ass warrior way. Like you win… by being you, the opposite of them and you’re not going down any road of rules from others… morals… I think it’s the like the rules or roadmap of your warrior marrow- as in bone marrow
I don’t know what NEP is.
All the best
Thank you!
Thank You Jay!
Funny enough you helped me not by identifying me in your videos but my long limerent love which closed door without clearing enough to me as Dismissive Avoidants do. Your videos describe her 100% from years long I was able to see her. Now
I know where it all comes from and it helps me to identify even my insecure attachment parts to heal myself.
Extreamly helpful. Thank you!
Are you inside my head? You even used my name and an actual situation from my childhood with my narcissistic mother 😳
Jay knows more about scapegoats than Eminem knows about rap. He was literally scapegoated himself.
🌱. Happy New Year.
I think it has more to do with constantly being kicked in one way or another so when we meet others that seems to be kicked (unfortunately there are a lot of narc pretenders) we have empathy for them. I have always been told I got my hard knocks because of choices. Now I function that way about everything. Your kid drowning? They should have made better choices....
I heard this from another psychologist, perhaps you: Would it be fair to say that the way the narcissistic parent operates is that they are not taking responsibility for their negative qualities, and because of their position of authority they are able to force another to supposedly acquire those qualities? If they would simply take responsibility for those negative qualities, the narcissistic behavior would stop. How it takes place between two adults I guess is a different phenomenon?
Also I was a scapegoat but unfortunately I see this behavior in the way I treat my cat... I don't hit her but I yell at her when she wants affection but I don't have time to give it to her or feel unable to give it to her. So then as you say she's pointing out my inadequacy, so I get angry at her... 😢. Of course this happens multiple times during the day... So the abused became the abuser. I will keep listening to the video and perhaps purchase your healing kit. Your videos are very helpful Mr Reid, thank you.
Interesting comparison of translocating your supposed learned narc abuse onto an animal. I looked after a lovely golden retriever for a while but felt quite uncomfortable because he would often sit and gaze at me adoringly. Now I have a German spitz mix who is very cute but naughty, cunning and somewhat disobedient who suits me much better. I can relate it to growing up with a narc mother and learning to be so good to get scraps of attention but really I’m a adult who never got to be a normal kid so my little dog reflects that and I can love her and forgive her and let her be herself without controlling her too much. Hope that makes sense.
Jay, are you able to do any videos that expand the dynamic of relationships with narcissists who aren’t necessarily your parents? Ex; roommates, bosses, etc. Thanks for considering it.
If it was a roommate or boss, I'd be out of there - both. Family is much harder
Ditch every narcissist that isn't even your family, Melissa. Familiar narcs are bad enough, but they at least they came in our life without our consent. But what do you want with other narcs? Ditch them for good.
Jay, what do you suggest if you can’t find a good therapist? 😢
@Melissa-qb1sh You are not alone. Look at the Janina Fisher material.
Reading about this type of trauma really helps me and Journaling how I actually experienced being defined negatively by my parents. The emotional abuse Created a Negative identity.
قررفو الواحد عيشته
Does anyone watch a ton of these videos, only to discover that they aren't/weren’t the scapegoat?
Love you Jay. You helped take my healing to the next level. Happy New Year 🎉