yeahp my mum called me selfish she was and still is a narcissist, i all way's say to myself my past was just a bunch of unfortunate experience's that happen to happen to me and that they are the reason I am so strong and compassionate and well developed as I am right now.
I think this is one of the best videos because most people often continuously focus on the narc and ruin their lives and all they’re doing is feeding the narc supply without even realizing it they can feel it from miles away
My mother once locked me in my bedroom with a copy of Guidepost Magazine. The cover article was by Jane Wyman who asserted that introverted people were truly selfish. My mother said she would not let me out of my room until I realized that I was such a person. The truth was that I had been emotionally, psychologically and physically abused so much that I had withdrawn inward as far as I could go and still remain sane. There was very little difference at that time between me and nothingness. Thanks to your video, I now realize that she was begging for the attention from me she desperately needed. Her very self worth was largely dependent upon me, but I had withdrawn from her to save myself. Tragedy upon tragedy. So profoundly sad.
This resonates so deeply for me.... I'm moved to tears. I too was sent to my room almost daily. I withdrew from my punitive mother to survive. She's dead now and it's just so terribly sad. In spite of my achievements I still grapple with feeling like I'm worthless. Working now at nurturing a connection with myself, helped greatly by Jay.
It makes sense why the abuse got worse when I started healing and centering myself in my life. My younger sister, who was my focus started calling me selfish for refusing to do her emotional labour. For wanting to gain autonomy over my possessions. When I had something she needed she would be nice to me. Once she got it, she went back to be mean. At the end of the relationship, she was mean more consistently.
you cannot reconnect with onesself unless one first understands fully what the hell happened. It's impossible to jump the gun and just go straight to self healing and self focus. People have to know what kind of characters they were dealing with first.
That's exactly what I have been saying and trying to find out more, because everything was hidden and lies told to an entire community and more, but I was told I didn't need to know anything, just trust..Oh really trust who, what and why; because if that's the case known of this should have ever happened if an individual is deprived of basically everything with/for their own well being/my child/children etc🎉
This is really well said. I’m on a recovery journey from a 17 year relationship filled with what i now understand was narcissistic abuse. I struggle with the “I was an unwitting victim of a predator” and the “I have some unhealed wounds in me that led me to go along with this relationship for so long”. Both are true. The first removes my agency and centers the other person. The second plays into self blame. I think the answer is what you say. Need to make sense of the external before switching focus to the internal
It must be a living nightmare to feel this way and be triggered to anger and jealousy by your own child day after day. It really is better for everyone to have low to no contact. 😢
Yes my mother is deeply triggered and feels deep jealously about me. Being around her is terrifying and traumatizing for me and for her she’s triggered into experiencing her own trauma from childhood. I don’t see how anything besides low contact can work.
I trigger my family easily and it is so hard to live fully. No privacy and no chance to feel like it's my own life. They just think its normal to enmesh
@@kathleengalek4441I live in another state and there has been a low contact rule for a years going on seven years now she can’t just text me when she wants and I’m still terrified lol
My narcissistic mother always told me to put myself last as a child. One Valentine's Day at school, the teacher had us make a valentine with another student. (Why she didn't have us each make one, is an interesting question.) Since only one of us could take the Valentine to her mother, I let the other girl take it. I told my mother about the project and she flew into a rage. I put myself last, but that time it included putting her last too. Rules for thee, but not for me.
I still feel the anxiety of being controlled. Feeling on edge, feeling like I have to keep myself down in order to not get yelled at or having angry looking faces towards me. Feeling like I am not doing good enough or feeling ashamed of how I think, what I say and what I do. It’s like keeping myself down in order to not provoke any anger or abuse. Wanting me to be how she wanted me to be.
yep but Im so glad that on my healing journey, I finally realised we don't have to soak their anger up or regulate it. we can just choose to not be around them or limit our exposure to it when we can.. but their anger is not our responsibility or our burden. the yelling at us as if we are a child is abusive but I finally realised so what if they yell, so what if they're angry they are allowed to be angry but that's on them.
It's realising they never want you to realise your potential because they're afraid you might acheive more in life than they can/have. They don't want you to shine brighter than them because it will cause them a narcissistic injury. They have to feel better than you to feel ok... pretty sad. I'm the youngest of 5 narcissistic sisters, when I became an artist and grew in confidence and assurance, they despised it. They always have, I'm 60 now and they still despise me. It's as if by me becoming an artist I humiliated them somehow, which makes no sense at all to anyone. I didn't despise them for becoming nurses or secretaries... I never thought better of myself than them, quite the opposite because of the way they treated me, bottom of the pecking order, the family scapegoat to be abused. I was always called selfish if I didn't make their needs more important than my own. They would chant nasty names at me together and leave me out of the gang! Steal or break my stuff, awful family dynamic..
I think what you’re referring to is called rumination and it’s what the brain as an organ naturally does after being abused for a long period of time. I heard a doctor explain it once. Stopping it I have found extremely hard to do after many decades of narcissistic abuse and having had a horrible life in general because of the abuse. I find myself still in the ‘freeze’ state and afraid that every little move I make is wrong. I’m still quite oriented towards the ‘other ‘ . Thanks for the excellent insight again Jay. Your channel is so helpful.
It makes perfect sense as a trauma response to need to know exactly what happened…in order for the body to prepare itself to survive and know all potential warning signs to avoid situations similar to the abuse experienced
Sounds like symptoms of PTSD or Bpt it is very common for scapegoats. Specially when you are around them or thinking of them or know that you will see them soon.
Hi Jay, These videos really help. Being raised by a malignant narcissist/borderline mother is very confusing for a child. It seems to take a life time to figure it all out. No Contact was the only way to go for me as she turned the siblings into proxy abusers. NC with them as well.
@Reality5870 Yes, and please don't make my mistake of going back to help when your mom gets elderly and can't be independent. I fell for the love bombing by my siblings and got tricked into taking care of her full time. Instead of being supportive and nice, siblings then went out of their way to be horrifically abusive and isolating. I was caught in the freeze response and didn't fight back, instead kept turning their behavior over and over in my mind, sure there was some misunderstanding, or they were just stressed, or that was just a one time thing, etc., and all that just invited them to escalate the abuse. I got some kind of closure with my NPD mom because as she lost her brain to Alzheimers, she became nicer and more loving instead of mean and critical. I don't know, maybe she just didn't recognize me as the scapegoat anymore. As for my siblings, I am finally at the point where I am no longer sick with anger. I actually have moments where I feel truly sorry for them. How sick to go through life being mean to the sister who is the most giving.
Same here. My parents made a financial deal i could not refuse, so I still deal with NM. But my siblings got caught hacking my phone. Mocking me even. So NC for life with them all is the journey I am on too. Stay strong, fellow scapegoat proverbial sister!
I agree that Jay has a personal way to point out to the ex_victims how to in practice go through the whole work. I say work cause I could never have handled this process without a therapist specilized in this kind of abuse! Thank you!
Sometimes I feel guilty for not being able to put it together sooner and staying emotionally engaged for so long. I suppose it just seems unthinkable that ppl can truly be this way and have no remorse.
This title caught my attention... I often feel guilty for living for me and going my own way (including taking distance from family after a long proces of chosing my space above meeting expectations while it always robbed my energy).
Wow. I lived with the feeling of being alone with a feeling of worthlessness that would never go away for years. I have never heard it articulated by someone else before.
Thank you for offering your time to help survivors heal. I often replay life events within my family. I've been telling myself that is a closed chapter is my life. That I am now safe and free to write the next chapter in my life that doesn't involve abuse. When I don't know what to do, I look to see what kind of better self care can I do? Eating healthy, excercize, getting to bed early... I kind of feel life is in limbo at the moment. The deep sadness is very hard to shake.
I must do mind/body work each day. For me, it's yoga because it reminds me I'm not just a head on a table. Lol. I'm 47 and just beginning to get a grip after surviving a altruistic narc mom. It's a jungle in my mind. People like Jay Reid give me the freaking machete.
Hang in there Julie, it's not easy, it's in fact brutal. We can't undo the damage they did, and for some of us, we can't stop loving them and looking back, wishing it could have been different. You are not alone, come visit an old man that knows a lil about how ya feel. Just trying to give some encouragement for folks like us. Take care.
@@belovedchild9812somehow saying if you can grieve you don't have to be depressed sounds like blaming you for your depression. Which doesn't sound right to me. We all grieve the family that we didn't have. But that doesn't mean that we're not depressed. I've grieved a lot, but depression is my baseline. Or it has been most of my life. I still maintain optimism and I laugh at life and myself. But when things are especially hard, like they have been for a while but especially the last year, it seems that depression is my constant companion.
I ended up in a long-term relationship with a sociopath right after high school. I went from a family full of narcissistic sociopaths to dating one. Such a nightmare!! Thank goodness he’s out of my life now.
I think this training by the parental narcissist might be why for so many years, to do any creative activity, I needed to hide away by myself for hours. The female biological parent used to burst into my room and either yell at me because I wasn't scrubbing floors or mock whatever I was doing as babyish.
I was the Golden child as a child/teenager while my brother was the forgotten one. After college, my brother found a good job and moved away from home. i struggled to get through college and after graduating, had trouble holding down jobs. i had to move back home where I suddenly took on the role of the Scape Goat. Also, I assume both parents were narcissists as my mother always said "You're so selfish. All you do is think about yourself." That was true. i had to to survive the verbal abuse psychological putdowns. I experienced both sides of narcissistic abuse.
There is so much we all have to learn! Things that 'normal' people learned as part of growing up- it's like uprooting to a foreign country where we don't know the language or customs. I am ever so grateful for UA-cam, I'm pretty sure I would have been dead by now otherwise. It's funny, I don't think I've ever even had an opinion of myself, just trying to survive by pleasing everybody.
Hi Jay, hi community. I am 63 years old, my mother has severe NPD and my father is just a regular narcissist who goes up and down on the scale. I reacted with depression since I was a child, nobody noticed. I have spent a life time figuring things out. One of the topics that remains a mystery to me is why people with NPD are often socially so successful. If you could do an video on that I would be very interested. Thank you. Julia.
@@ChrisKolic Thank you for your reply. Forcing to control the narrative is certainly one aspect, but there often appears to be a magnetic quality that it quite hard to decipher and to dispel.
I also contemplated on the topic of success. I think there are two main components to it: - machiavellism (also one of so called dark triad of personality disorders), it can coexist with npd; - their charisma is not their own, it is built from energies of the people who pay attention to them. I noticed this dynamic vividly when attending actor courses - there were several powerful exercises with intentional attention and energy flow within the group of people. And that's why narcs are so desperate for attention, making as many hooks as possible - it gives them the energy to build their false facades, I refer to them as energetic vampires. So, starving narcissistic supply (including in your thoughts and emotions, etc) and refusing to believe in their false reality will withdraw your energies, which they have used for their deceipt and false facade. The less people believe their deceptions and give them supply to build false reality, the less successful this false reality will be. (Jay Reid also covered topic of taking your energies back to you in the video about forgiveness)
Often they are "successful" because of what the society values (which does not reflect so well on the society) - appearance, superficial niceness, following the rules, monetary success - and a lack of depth in relationships.
This is spot on, towards the end of my marriage when I took up art again (my attention no longer always on him) the emotional abuse escalated and became very cruel. I’ve left now but still find myself thinking about it all a lot of the time.
Thank you for sharing this is what I am dealing with as we speak it's so painful I wake up everyday stomach in a knot, headache etc good to know others escaped.
This is helping so much in coming to grips with the way I was raised. More often than not, I’d hear, “YOU SELF CENTERED BRAT” shouted at me. This coming from one of the most self centered people I’ve ever known. I believe that little kids are just naturally self centered until they get older and learn not to be, because little kids are not expected to be caregivers, but are in need of care, and to expect them not to be self centered seems unrealistic and unreasonable.
Yes, it is very accurate about being called "selfish" by the narcissist when they were the one who were being selfish by time and time inconveniencing other ppl to their random unconvenient requests. When you tell the narc they are being too loud at 3 am or so, the narc will yell out "oh, you are just so selfish!!" when they can't get home but barged into your place to 'bunk' over. Also, it is very accurate and true experience, when I went to do activities that I like like charities or being out, and then come home being attacked by the group for NOT sitting at home and WAIT for them to decide how they want to spend the day and they called me 'IRRESPONSIBLE' for neglecting familial responsibility when there was nothing to do or any requests.
"In the scapegoated role" in the narcissistic relationship- I've always associated that with the narcissistic parent child relationship but I've suddenly realised I was in a scapegoated role in the relationship with my ex narcissistic partner. I was the scapegoat for what went on in the relationship and our life.
Thank you so much for articulating and highlighting the very specific behaviours in a narcissistic family. I can’t believe how my childhood experiences fit a pattern that I didn’t realize existed until this year. I had no context for or escape from the abuse as a child, but hearing you describe it exactly as it was is so validating.
I found your videos the other day, they fit my experience and the stage I am in right now exactly. I was just informing my best friend that I don't have enough energy to give away anymore now that I am healing and starting to create a life for myself. It's difficult to say no, and people are used to coming to me for everything so it's a huge change. It feels so good, and all of these dreams I have held the entire time while coping and healing the mental illness and suicidal tendencies that come with this type of parent-child relationship, all of those dreams were still waiting for me and now coming to fruition.
Those information you share are really helping me to understand that relationships can be safe. At this point in my recovery it’s crucial for me to be able to differentiate toxic and healthy relating in general and that’s a real turning point. I suddenly gave myself permission to be angry, because I realize more and more, that the problem was the unhealthy relating and not me as a person. Thank you so much!
4:00 They do stoop to unimaginably cruel tactics. They are desperate to have the victim's attention as it seems to be the only them that makes them feel important.
The best part of your videos is the positive attributes of the survivor. Also, the fact that you don’t use the word victim. Your angle on narcissistic abuse is unique and helps me look at my experience in a way that’s empowering.
Sometimes I want to focus on the narcissist so as to not think about myself & inward and my own recovery, yeah. It’s been a journey healing after being married to a covert narc. and abused for years. I still see my ex-narc husband standing and staring at me wondering why I was smiling and happy when he came to get his possessions, and after his abuse of me. I refused to let him see me sad or hurting ever again.
I really love the fact that you understand the scapegoat role and how tragic it often feels. Thank you for being there for us with your videos! They are often a life ring when we're caught in the undertow of complete confusion regarding what actually happened after narcissistic abuse and being in the scapegoat role. There are so many nuances to the abuse pattern that this video points out a very important one and that's how we lose ourselves because the narcissist insists that we live for and live in their reality. Our attempts to explain ourselves or to appeal our case falls on deaf ears and we don't understand why and that's because our reality never existed according to the narcissist... It took me years and years and years to kind of get this but your video makes it concrete and clear. There are so many details regarding us losing our footing around a narcissist and sometimes I think that you are the only one that can explain it, at least for the scapegoat who has had to fight for their identity and their logic...oftentimes losing the battle. Thank you!!!
Thank you for this video. I find it interesting when you say that "one's own nervous system can be primed in childhood to focus outward," do you know if there is a way to 'unprime' this response to some degree?
In my opinion, it may take a rather abrupt change in your life, something like going no contact (my circumstance), or somehow being forced to be alone for a good period of time. It causes an awakening so to speak. It actually caused me to want to help others, when before that was not a priority for me. That's the only reason I'm here, visit me if ya can.
I always thought my discomfort with focusing inward was laziness or a character defect but this really hit home. It’s fear - your insights about the nervous system from NA in childhood are amazing. Thanks
Jay, you have such a depth.and scope of.insight into the devouring nature of narcissist parents. You have a quality.of insight I have.not discovered elsewhere. You convey the utterly relentless.intent to swallow a child whole.
Jay, you son of a gun, you did it!!! With your help and your book and small doses of shrooms here and there and doing the work, I feel I have shifted focus back to me!!!! Thank you!
Yes. Dr. Reid, was just about to say myself: You are an absolute gift. Thank you for all of your acute understanding, acknowledgement, clarity, encouragement and advice. It means the world to so many of us.
The story about Sarah reminds me of a time when I went to hear a musician friend perform in a concert. The female biological parent sneered, "You don't really like that stuff -- you just want to pretend that you're 'artsy.'" At the time I couldn't figure out how my going to a concert harmed her or took anything away from her. Now I get it. Thanks, Dr. Reid.
I hate myself so much. I never learned to love myself. Have been throughout my life trying to numb the feeling of being "me" with anorexia, bulimia etc. My dad made me feel bad. I feel that without others, I am worthless. The threat of being me, or feeling who I am, is equal to experiencing death. I can't describe with words, the terror that's felt, once you need to face death and want to be yourself, just free from that shit. I'm in my dark knight. I know I am old soul, but got incredibly confused. I hope I can start feeling again, and face that fear, eventhough deep inside, it feels horrendous. But apparently that's where love resides. :-( being me was just considered selfish all the way all the time. I'm learning to appreciate myself more. Trying to prove myself throughout the hundred thousand patterns that I reproduced throughout my life that there are still people that appreciate me, even if I don't put myself in the "servant's" position, to offer them love or appreciation that I do not feel, or beg for their attention, or being nice, just to receive love. Deceitful. Disgusting. It makes my guts turn around, when I think of it.
I am the same but fawning is a trauma response, I am in therapy with Glynis Sherwood and considering Jay at some point because he details this trauma to degree nobody has & that's important for my recovery, I was directed to read C-PTSD by Pete Walker, I hope by researching these things you can find yourself on the path to healing, it's a rough journey but we'll worth it!!!!!
@Mental Health First Oh I wish I could give you a big hug! Having been through the same myself with a father who once beat my bare-naked butt with a belt and then kicked me down the stairs because I did my homework after school instead of raking all the leaves in our giant yard in Ohio. I was a little girl age 8, a great gifted student but my dad set out to destroy me. I flunked a year of high school while my family sent me many times to the Juvenile Detention Home ! He's a monster who told my brother, sister and I every day "You're gonna grow up to be worthless." Both of them are now NPDs and I'm still the scapegoat. May I suggest EMDR therapy? It's worked wonders for me. All my life hearing my dad's "inner critic" voice to push myself forward, I worked nonstop, succeeded and finally got a job in Paris but in 2016 was victim of a terrorist attack here in France. My family completely turned their backs on me, no financial assistance, no calling to see how I was doing. Radio silence. So, through France government-funded therapy I discovered EMDR (Feeling I was "worthless" because I was broken and could not work and earn money - the only thing my father has ever cared about) and researched and realized my parents are both NPD. These same parents in Florida constantly begged for attention and tried to guilt me for being so far away during Covid. LOL. Instead, I have used the Covid slowdown for a lot more introspection and therapy and now am really looking forward to getting back out in the world, seeing old friends and meeting new ones but this time around, always setting boundaries so I don't end up over-giving or trying to "earn" anyone's love. You will get there -- recognizing the problem and learning the name for it and knowing you are not alone is half the battle. Truly. Channels like this are lifesaving. Wishing you all the best in your recovery.
@@janiececooper6758 About the Pete Walker book: I bought it but it stirred up so much pain I never got more than a few pages in. Richard Grannon highly recommends it and at some point, when I am feeling safer, I will try again. Best wishes to you ;-)
I understand! I watched a video that encouraged people to just be themselves, and my first reaction was that that was a terrible idea! If I just did everything my way, I would be doing it wrong. I am trying to change my thinking. I hooe are able to as well!
Wow, thank *you* :-) I've been recommending you left right and centre! I had *thought* I'd swung the focus on to myself but only recently I realised that although I wanted to heal, I was viewing my own healing through a very authoritative judgmental unforgiving lens. I had a schedule for healing. Be stronger by June! Control emotions by July! Be braver by August! But shortly after getting in to Yoga, I seemed to *get* that I need to slow down and focus on acceptance and self-compassion for a bit. I was listening to Christopher Germer self-compassion meditations and I felt more acceptance of my parents insistence that they have the right to hurt me. I also like what Kirsten Neff has to say about self-acceptance and self-compassion. I was always afraid to be kind to myself in case I fell apart and achieved even less. But I will sit still with myself and trust that I'll get there.
I may have commented already, but just want to express again how helpful this is! Truly liberating to hear the explanations in this video and so very helpful for my healing journey. Thank you!
The story resonates beautifully. I was tutoring the only minority child in first grade (1969). The mocking, bullying and shaming was non-stop. I didn't waver. Yay me 😍❤️🥰
Hello I really appreciate your videos.They are so informative and enlighting. I was raised by a narssistic father that only passed away 3 months ago.I was grown up with all the pain you mentioned but I was blessed with a rebellion soul , I didn't understand a lot of what was happening to me but I always stood up for myself and that is why I was the scapegoat.
I started to take care of myself. I resigned from my job, sold my apartment and moved abroad -to get distance from my abusing work environment and from my abusing mother and father who was accepting all bad she did and said, never ever protecting me. I have an adult daughter who also lived abroad but in another country than me. We’ve been very close and she often visited me in my new city and country. That time, she really wanted me to be happy and was happy for me. Well. Seemingly there was a revenge behind my back happening. My daughter still was in contact to my parents. Oh, there became a mess: shortly, I needed help. It became evident to me that I was not allowed to need help. I was BAD because I was exhausted, burn out - not strong and could not handle everything. So it hapoened, that soon my daughter started to call me ”a liar”, ”two faced”, ”selfish”. A person, whom I always supported to pursue HER dreams, going abroad, working abroad, travel, have hobbies that SHE loves - said to me these things when I had taken my time to pursue my dreams and goals. My occupation was totally the result if my parent’s manipulation and I HATE my occupation. I wanted to change my occupation. It was evident to me that those words were not really HERS. My parents pretended to ”care” about me - and behind my back they talked about me as a ”liar”, ”selfish” etc., all those accusiations that my daughter said to me. My parents have made her to becone a flying monkey. She was lost. How? With money. My parents have money so they generously paid her - and I was strugling with money - which was the sign of my badness. My parents could show their superiority just with money. And behind my back they talked like that about me, thise untrue bad things and my daughter delivered their opinions about me to me like that. No, she did not tell that they said so, but I do not have to be genuine to know what had happened. Pursuing my dreams was an action that had to be punished. I was not there any more in my mom’s hands and under her control, being abused. This is an awful situation. I could never imagine the level of cruelty that my mother is cabable on and my enabeler father is not any better. Pursuing YOUR goals, your dreams can be very dangerous. I was not prepared to this level of cruelty, ever. But, now there is no doubt. I lost everything I loved in my life. The relation to my daughter is not the only thing that my parents destroyed from me. The rule is: Let’s destroy everything that /who Sanna loves or take it away… she needs to be punished just because she IS. Now I’ve been in no-contact with all of them. I must now fix my finances, my dreams and goals are otherwise killed. All mt time and energy goes on surviving. However, I succeeded to find a job where I have very nice workmates, so it is standable ven I still hate my occupation, (waste of my life) and I live in the home that I can call ”home”, a place of peace and calmness. A place where I can BE. The first time in my 57 years of life, I have that: peace! Now I know better what happened. I remember when I had made my life change and the beginning of it succeeded very well! I moved abroad, so I proved mtself that I was not incapable as my parents let ne think. But I remember the feeling, how I was afraid to feel content and happy. I remember how I taljed to myself: ”I have the right to be here. I have the right to ve happy.” Also, when I started to turn my attention to the works I like, I got almost frozen. I could hardly move, as if I was doing something bad. I did not know about the symptons of the barcissistic abuse. Now I know that these feelings are pretty normal! There is a reason why I was frozen when I had finally done what I loved. Well, soon it all was destroyed. As normally. That is a prove to them that THEY were right and I cannot do anything. This is thecway it has worked: I beginn simething that I love to do. Then they cone, in a way or another destroy what I was doing - and then they tell me that I am so bad and incapable in everythibg that I should do only what they want me to do, then everything would be nicely. Andby the way: NOBODY can love you because you are you. Only WE can give mercy to you and stand your beingness and care about everything, because you cannot, it is proved (because they destroyed any trial to do anything own in the beginning already).
What a great video, well explained... thank you! It is sickening how they always find the bad in you and not good, and try to control you by undermining any good you have ... awful behavior, especially for children as you say. We learn to focus on ourselves, and get safety psychologically and physically. It reminds me of myself. “One gets to discover other people... without losing connection with oneself.” Thanks for exposing it and helping others find clarity.
Very important video. Great piece of help again, Jay, thanks! This happens perfectly like that. You end the relationship with the N (it was my father first), and then you feel this worthlessness that was never your own. I was literally walking around making music, going on stage, doing good business, creative work, etc.. WHILE feeling this alien sense of worthless empty stuff. At times I was so so mad at myself.
This video resonates with me a lot - I naturally prioritise getting the little life tasks done and as a way to help deal with the ups and downs of abuse recovery. I will make an extra effort now to apply the concept of flow to tackle some bigger tasks and projects on my radar that I have not felt the emotional energy to do. Knowing that doing them can help me in recovery is very reassuring, I'll do them in bite sized bits though and accept that I'll need to rest and recharge when the emotional energy runs out, and that's o.k. Better to make a start than continue to avoid them.
Jay this was one of the most powerful videos I’ve seen and put a name to, validated my experiences in a way that makes me feel lighter and much more at peaceI’m so thankful ❤
This is important to me now, thank you Jay. It is a huge process to accept that one is not responsible to save and to help (real need of help) even members of one´s own family of origin if they abuse one and have no love, no compassion and no respect for one. It gets over bearing to recognize how these family members gang up against one, and abuse one. Never standing up for one but isolating with abuse. It seems very stupid and immature. However, it´s effects are real. I feel there is a primitive need to attack one´s immune system and cause early death.
I'm pretty well toward the end of my scapegoat healing journey now in my 50's. What a ton of work, but I knew I was in there somewhere. I look back at the insanity that I did not create. I think of the words "family" and "mother" and feel very ripped off. Blows me away that my primary care giver did not want me to be an individual, well I got there! I look back a bit, but focus on moving forward as there is no sense to be made of it, just very unwell people. (not me). All the best to all on their healing journey.
For me right at this moment, this is the BEST of Jay's talks I've ever heard in the 2 years I've been listening to his deep help. I was pleased to see it was listed under Recovery which I'm hoping is the point I'm now working on & so able to embody Jay's gentle teaching more thoroughly. "How do I say I love you? Let me count the ways." Many, many thanks from my heart to yours. Kay
I'm finding this is the hardest part for me. I don't know how to find myself. I'm having a terrible time right now, I left my narcissistic husband 3 years ago after 35 years of marriage. His words won't leave my mind. Any help I would appreciate.
Christine you got this. Self love, self validation, and self compassion is what helped me. 35 years is a long time, so glad you got out. Winner winner chicken dinner. Time to put yourself first.
No doubt it is an outcome worth working at and realizing. Living a life where I put myself first. Your information is so crucial to my healing, you are a shining light. thank you Jay.
Thank you for your videos. It is so remarkable to me that when I listen to these I feel you are describing me exactly -- how I was scapegoated. Thanks for your help.
Thank you for putting this experience into words. Having the experience affirmed and validated is as heartbreaking as it is relieving after so much gaslighting invalidation, denial, guilt tripping and shaming. A core question that we all seem to have to choose an answer to is, "How will I respond to the wounds inflicted on my by myself and others? Will I inflict them on someone else or bind them up to heal and offer that healing to someone else as well? Who can I connect with to help me heal what I cannot heal myself?" The answers seem to reveal whether we become a perpetrator or arrestor of abuse or healing.
Jay, thank you so much for your videos!! They have helped me so much in understanding my narc mother; never knew why she didn't seem to love me before...😢 I love the way you give us, understanding what happened, getting distance, and living in defiance/rebellion to the horrible rules our narc parent(s) made!! You express yourself so eloquently, explain things well, and just put so many things into perspective; thanks again!! 😊
This year I'm focused on building up my healthy sense of Self. I'd love to have you and Jerry Wise do a video together. I think it would be very enlightening.
Im 68 n must tiptoe not to look really good, but enough to shine "good parent" , and also less outbursts when i look inferior to mom, 89. She was a beauty queen of good aclaim , but ill tell you from personal experience, it's a curse. It feels unsafe to shine.
Hello Jay, you really nail the explanation of narcissism in a very clinical academic understood way. I applaude you and your work. It is truely refreshing and helpful! I think it's at times confronting too....which tells me you've got this...kind of alot! LOL!
13:16 talking it out it can be so hard to grasp and understand how what you say applies in the physical but i just connected it to in my experience... like being able to be calm and curious and neutral towards strangers instead of anxiously lost in wondering about how they perceive you their judgements all these word vomit things you start heaping up in your head about your own inferiority you have internalized from narcissistic damage.... being able to just pass people neutrally unconcerned with their judgements or lack thereof and to just exist in peace. no more focus all poured out on 'other other other'
Thank you, Jay! One of the most helpful and brilliant truths I've ever heard on this subject @ 13:27 : "The narcissist worked very hard to relocate a sense of worthlessness into the victim and part of recovery is the expunging the sense of worthlessness which was never one's own." WOW! 🤟
Like being a nervous wreck because if you try to be inside yourself, that person is joykilling, creating chaos, sitting in self pity, slamming things around, etc. I hadn't ever had a full experience of being me until I took Molly at age 25
Thank you for this helpful video. I'm happy to find this today. I don't think I've heard anything like this before and I found it so informative and very helpful. It explained to me what I was doing all along in my family situation. Thank you so much. I love the help I am getting and becoming more aware of myself. Blessings!
Individuals are suffering from the "mother abuse" ive learned from experience you have to distance your self from any narcissist or the abuse continues on for your lifetime. I believe in forgiveness, it helps the healing process. Peace to all on this channel.🎉
For adult children of narcissists - all this happens automatically. We’ve left ourselves long before we meet the new narcs who abuse us as adults. Thank you for your helpful videos! They go well with those of Patrick Teahan another you tuber, would be fun to see you in conversation together.
I’m reminding myself that I have to love myself in Action. I don’t want to bullsh** myself about love like my family of origin did. I want to be true to myself like I’ve always tried to be true and loving to others-even when/after they were awful to me. Sometimes love is hard so I’ve put myself through hard times for the love of others (foolishly~for those who don’t know how to receive or give love) and now I’ve got to do the same hard thing for myself but this time for good reason and true morality… for so long, I avoided actions I wanted to do for me because of the terrible emotions I would feel after I’d try it… it’s amazing how I’ve even done the spurts I’ve done in my life because of the pain involved… growing up and even as adult, family would heap shame/guilt/pain/sabotage in one way or another anything I wanted to do…meddling maniacs! Fake dramas and rage! so, I avoided those things out of care for myself in a way… just trying to survive… the emotional hooks were so deep and painful and these people spared no punches… to think of how LOW each of them have gone and how I’ve never pinched below the belt… standing up for myself would be rapidly reframed into I was hurting THEM! . (avoiding what makes me happy, my life was all subconscious… if I’d known what I was doing and why, and known it was morally wrong as I know now, I could have woken up.) Now, I’ve got to love myself in Action and do things I want to do for myself finally finally finally… and it’s going to be painful yes but that’s what it’s going to take to rewire neuroplasticity/actual physiology slowly and talk to myself in ways to feel good before, during and after… talk myself through whatever comes up… I’ve brought out my instrument and opened it so I can see it… when I play and sing it brings me joy but that abuse causes floods of ambivalent emotions… I’m hoping knowing now that they are morally RIDICULOUS emotions will help… awareness helps so much… already allowing myself to be in touch with my breath and that’s a big deal because I’ve thought about learning breathing techniques for years…Im seeing that breath is like wind over water… our emotions are like water… and we can move through them and transform them with breath… moving fear… feeling wrong or bad doing things when Im doing good and right… seeing this and moving my boat into better waters “who do you think you are.” is one of the things he’d frequently say… well Dad, wherever you are now (he’s dead), , I’m a human being who wants to LIVE MY LIFE & HAVE FUN & LOVING RELATIONSHIPS & MEANINGFUL GOALS THAT ALIGN WITH MY INTERESTS & TALENTS & OBJECTIVES! And my goals include helping other people as well! That’s so important to me! that’s one of the silver linings of the hell Ive went through 💙 I’m going to do what you/my entire family didn’t want me to do because ya’ll were jealous (bc they were hierarchical) and crazy and didn’t know how to love, Starting my music 🎶 in the morning ☀️
Thank you so much for creating this resource, Jay. When you mentioned the "reflex" of staring into what happened, in an attempt to fix or understand it, I now realise (thanks to this video) that it had become a fixation, and a bottomless pit. This was truly so helpful, thank you as always. Skye.
About 15 years ago an OCPD narcissist got hired on, and then became my manager about 8 years ago during a reorganization. I've applied for other jobs, but I work in a niche field without having finished my degree yet. Shifting my focus to myself while still in the NPD relationship has been my focus this past year. I blocked his number while I'm on vacation, because he will try to contact me about work. Those constant boundary violations act to redirect my attention back onto him. He is 61, so I hope he retires in the next few years, but it has been a nasty ride. I'm in therapy and more than ready to put myself first.
My mother had eyes that drilled me to the core, demanding that all my attention was on her. It honest to god felt like some kind of evil magician who had the power to nail me to her gaze and suck me dry. I got so used to being in this hypnotic trance that it felt like I had no agency unless I was out of her view. Even then, she would follow me around. No boundaries. Accepted no responsibility for any of her behavior. Ever. Even after many years of being away from the abuse, I have to be aware and awake to my tendency to give even inanimate objects in my environment more agency than I have, compulsively attending to "their need" to be cleaned and put away. I started to journal when I was in my teens. It's almost the only place I ever feel like I can place my complete attention on myself. The page is the one loving, accepting mirror in my life. Both parents broken little children. And, my brother and sister see none of this. The lack of confirmation from my family still leads me to doubt my reality after 40 years. Still, life is much better than it was when I was younger. Lots of great information, like these videos, help me take baby steps; help me know I'm not alone.
I can’t tell you how helpful this has been to me, thank you Jay with all my heart. ❤️ You explain so eloquently and put the pieces together to light a path through very dangerous terrain.
I prayed to God for help and led me to these videos and have never heard someone explain this so well! I am so grateful for this content and how very carefully thought out it is being presented. Thanks so much!
All of this convinces me my mother is truly one no matter how much I've tried denying it in the past. My own feelings and her actions I've finally accepted it. I've got to cut her off despite how little we see each other per year and tbh even as an adult man I'm terrified. I realize I shouldn't feel this way, that terror was instilled in me when I was young.
Finding your channel, a few videos in. Thank you for taking the time to give these sessions online. I'm finding them very helpful. This one put "normalising" words to what I'm experiencing in my recovery.
"I am more than what happened to me and always have been" That's gold. I love it.
❤️🙌👍✨
Me too :)
So important!
yeahp my mum called me selfish she was and still is a narcissist, i all way's say to myself my past was just a bunch of unfortunate experience's that happen to happen to me and that they are the reason I am so strong and compassionate and well developed as I am right now.
Yes
I think this is one of the best videos because most people often continuously focus on the narc and ruin their lives and all they’re doing is feeding the narc supply without even realizing it they can feel it from miles away
So weird how these patterns, down to tiny details, repeat themselves in so many families.
That is putting it mildly.
yes crazy..
Yes
Breaks the isolation to hear all the stories..
And communities, my hometown it's infested with narcs... Nobody talks about social narcissism
Jay Reid. You are a lifeline. Thank you.
My mother once locked me in my bedroom with a copy of Guidepost Magazine. The cover article was by Jane Wyman who asserted that introverted people were truly selfish. My mother said she would not let me out of my room until I realized that I was such a person. The truth was that I had been emotionally, psychologically and physically abused so much that I had withdrawn inward as far as I could go and still remain sane. There was very little difference at that time between me and nothingness. Thanks to your video, I now realize that she was begging for the attention from me she desperately needed. Her very self worth was largely dependent upon me, but I had withdrawn from her to save myself. Tragedy upon tragedy. So profoundly sad.
This resonates so deeply for me.... I'm moved to tears. I too was sent to my room almost daily. I withdrew from my punitive mother to survive. She's dead now and it's just so terribly sad. In spite of my achievements I still grapple with feeling like I'm worthless. Working now at nurturing a connection with myself, helped greatly by Jay.
It makes sense why the abuse got worse when I started healing and centering myself in my life.
My younger sister, who was my focus started calling me selfish for refusing to do her emotional labour. For wanting to gain autonomy over my possessions.
When I had something she needed she would be nice to me. Once she got it, she went back to be mean. At the end of the relationship, she was mean more consistently.
We might be having the same sister...
@@JaneNasirumbiWe're triplets❤😂❤😂
you cannot reconnect with onesself unless one first understands fully what the hell happened. It's impossible to jump the gun and just go straight to self healing and self focus. People have to know what kind of characters they were dealing with first.
So well said. I agree, we need to make sense of what happened. Our part, reactive abuse comes to light.
100%
I see.
That's exactly what I have been saying and trying to find out more, because everything was hidden and lies told to an entire community and more, but I was told I didn't need to know anything, just trust..Oh really trust who, what and why; because if that's the case known of this should have ever happened if an individual is deprived of basically everything with/for their own well being/my child/children etc🎉
This is really well said. I’m on a recovery journey from a 17 year relationship filled with what i now understand was narcissistic abuse. I struggle with the “I was an unwitting victim of a predator” and the “I have some unhealed wounds in me that led me to go along with this relationship for so long”.
Both are true. The first removes my agency and centers the other person. The second plays into self blame.
I think the answer is what you say. Need to make sense of the external before switching focus to the internal
It must be a living nightmare to feel this way and be triggered to anger and jealousy by your own child day after day. It really is better for everyone to have low to no contact. 😢
Yes my mother is deeply triggered and feels deep jealously about me. Being around her is terrifying and traumatizing for me and for her she’s triggered into experiencing her own trauma from childhood. I don’t see how anything besides low contact can work.
It is NOT a nightmare for them...narcs get their groins off on that
I trigger my family easily and it is so hard to live fully. No privacy and no chance to feel like it's my own life.
They just think its normal to enmesh
@@dotsyjmaherthat's disgusting andi know why I dont fit in around them
@@kathleengalek4441I live in another state and there has been a low contact rule for a years going on seven years now she can’t just text me when she wants and I’m still terrified lol
My narcissistic mother always told me to put myself last as a child. One Valentine's Day at school, the teacher had us make a valentine with another student. (Why she didn't have us each make one, is an interesting question.) Since only one of us could take the Valentine to her mother, I let the other girl take it. I told my mother about the project and she flew into a rage. I put myself last, but that time it included putting her last too. Rules for thee, but not for me.
I still feel the anxiety of being controlled. Feeling on edge, feeling like I have to keep myself down in order to not get yelled at or having angry looking faces towards me. Feeling like I am not doing good enough or feeling ashamed of how I think, what I say and what I do. It’s like keeping myself down in order to not provoke any anger or abuse. Wanting me to be how she wanted me to be.
yep but Im so glad that on my healing journey, I finally realised we don't have to soak their anger up or regulate it. we can just choose to not be around them or limit our exposure to it when we can.. but their anger is not our responsibility or our burden. the yelling at us as if we are a child is abusive but I finally realised so what if they yell, so what if they're angry they are allowed to be angry but that's on them.
@@thelovely961 I like that thinking
It's realising they never want you to realise your potential because they're afraid you might acheive more in life than they can/have. They don't want you to shine brighter than them because it will cause them a narcissistic injury. They have to feel better than you to feel ok... pretty sad. I'm the youngest of 5 narcissistic sisters, when I became an artist and grew in confidence and assurance, they despised it. They always have, I'm 60 now and they still despise me. It's as if by me becoming an artist I humiliated them somehow, which makes no sense at all to anyone. I didn't despise them for becoming nurses or secretaries... I never thought better of myself than them, quite the opposite because of the way they treated me, bottom of the pecking order, the family scapegoat to be abused. I was always called selfish if I didn't make their needs more important than my own. They would chant nasty names at me together and leave me out of the gang! Steal or break my stuff, awful family dynamic..
I understand.
Wishing you a feeling of deep inner safety knowing they can no longer harm you 💝❤️🩹🌟
I think what you’re referring to is called rumination and it’s what the brain as an organ naturally does after being abused for a long period of time. I heard a doctor explain it once. Stopping it I have found extremely hard to do after many decades of narcissistic abuse and having had a horrible life in general because of the abuse. I find myself still in the ‘freeze’ state and afraid that every little move I make is wrong. I’m still quite oriented towards the ‘other ‘ . Thanks for the excellent insight again Jay. Your channel is so helpful.
It makes perfect sense as a trauma response to need to know exactly what happened…in order for the body to prepare itself to survive and know all potential warning signs to avoid situations similar to the abuse experienced
Sounds like symptoms of PTSD or Bpt it is very common for scapegoats. Specially when you are around them or thinking of them or know that you will see them soon.
Hi Jay, These videos really help. Being raised by a malignant narcissist/borderline mother is very confusing for a child. It seems to take a life time to figure it all out. No Contact was the only way to go for me as she turned the siblings into proxy abusers. NC with them as well.
@Reality5870 Yes, and please don't make my mistake of going back to help when your mom gets elderly and can't be independent. I fell for the love bombing by my siblings and got tricked into taking care of her full time. Instead of being supportive and nice, siblings then went out of their way to be horrifically abusive and isolating. I was caught in the freeze response and didn't fight back, instead kept turning their behavior over and over in my mind, sure there was some misunderstanding, or they were just stressed, or that was just a one time thing, etc., and all that just invited them to escalate the abuse. I got some kind of closure with my NPD mom because as she lost her brain to Alzheimers, she became nicer and more loving instead of mean and critical. I don't know, maybe she just didn't recognize me as the scapegoat anymore. As for my siblings, I am finally at the point where I am no longer sick with anger. I actually have moments where I feel truly sorry for them. How sick to go through life being mean to the sister who is the most giving.
Same here. My parents made a financial deal i could not refuse, so I still deal with NM. But my siblings got caught hacking my phone. Mocking me even. So NC for life with them all is the journey I am on too. Stay strong, fellow scapegoat proverbial sister!
I agree that Jay has a personal way to point out to the ex_victims how to in practice go through the whole work. I say work cause I could never have handled this process without a therapist specilized in this kind of abuse! Thank you!
Sometimes I feel guilty for not being able to put it together sooner and staying emotionally engaged for so long. I suppose it just seems unthinkable that ppl can truly be this way and have no remorse.
I agree it does seem to take a lifetime to figure it all out.
This title caught my attention... I often feel guilty for living for me and going my own way (including taking distance from family after a long proces of chosing my space above meeting expectations while it always robbed my energy).
Wow. I lived with the feeling of being alone with a feeling of worthlessness that would never go away for years. I have never heard it articulated by someone else before.
Thank you for offering your time to help survivors heal. I often replay life events within my family. I've been telling myself that is a closed chapter is my life. That I am now safe and free to write the next chapter in my life that doesn't involve abuse. When I don't know what to do, I look to see what kind of better self care can I do? Eating healthy, excercize, getting to bed early... I kind of feel life is in limbo at the moment. The deep sadness is very hard to shake.
I must do mind/body work each day. For me, it's yoga because it reminds me I'm not just a head on a table. Lol. I'm 47 and just beginning to get a grip after surviving a altruistic narc mom. It's a jungle in my mind. People like Jay Reid give me the freaking machete.
Love to you in your sadness. There are many who understand. ❤
The deep sadness is hard. My therapist told me if I can grieve then I don’t have to be depressed but it’s hard to shake. Bless you. ❤️
Hang in there Julie, it's not easy, it's in fact brutal. We can't undo the damage they did, and for some of us, we can't stop loving them and looking back, wishing it could have been different. You are not alone, come visit an old man that knows a lil about how ya feel. Just trying to give some encouragement for folks like us. Take care.
@@belovedchild9812somehow saying if you can grieve you don't have to be depressed sounds like blaming you for your depression. Which doesn't sound right to me. We all grieve the family that we didn't have. But that doesn't mean that we're not depressed. I've grieved a lot, but depression is my baseline. Or it has been most of my life. I still maintain optimism and I laugh at life and myself. But when things are especially hard, like they have been for a while but especially the last year, it seems that depression is my constant companion.
I ended up in a long-term relationship with a sociopath right after high school. I went from a family full of narcissistic sociopaths to dating one. Such a nightmare!! Thank goodness he’s out of my life now.
Same
I unfortunately married that guy and stayed for 14 years. 😢
Thats my life. I'm not giving g up though
I think this training by the parental narcissist might be why for so many years, to do any creative activity, I needed to hide away by myself for hours. The female biological parent used to burst into my room and either yell at me because I wasn't scrubbing floors or mock whatever I was doing as babyish.
Yes you can't have a minute for yourself
I was the Golden child as a child/teenager while my brother was the forgotten one. After college, my brother found a good job and moved away from home. i struggled to get through college and after graduating, had trouble holding down jobs. i had to move back home where I suddenly took on the role of the Scape Goat. Also, I assume both parents were narcissists as my mother always said "You're so selfish. All you do is think about yourself." That was true. i had to to survive the verbal abuse psychological putdowns. I experienced both sides of narcissistic abuse.
There is so much we all have to learn! Things that 'normal' people learned as part of growing up- it's like uprooting to a foreign country where we don't know the language or customs. I am ever so grateful for UA-cam, I'm pretty sure I would have been dead by now otherwise. It's funny, I don't think I've ever even had an opinion of myself, just trying to survive by pleasing everybody.
Hi Jay, hi community. I am 63 years old, my mother has severe NPD and my father is just a regular narcissist who goes up and down on the scale. I reacted with depression since I was a child, nobody noticed. I have spent a life time figuring things out. One of the topics that remains a mystery to me is why people with NPD are often socially so successful. If you could do an video on that I would be very interested. Thank you. Julia.
@@ChrisKolic Thank you for your reply. Forcing to control the narrative is certainly one aspect, but there often appears to be a magnetic quality that it quite hard to decipher and to dispel.
I also contemplated on the topic of success. I think there are two main components to it:
- machiavellism (also one of so called dark triad of personality disorders), it can coexist with npd;
- their charisma is not their own, it is built from energies of the people who pay attention to them. I noticed this dynamic vividly when attending actor courses - there were several powerful exercises with intentional attention and energy flow within the group of people. And that's why narcs are so desperate for attention, making as many hooks as possible - it gives them the energy to build their false facades, I refer to them as energetic vampires. So, starving narcissistic supply (including in your thoughts and emotions, etc) and refusing to believe in their false reality will withdraw your energies, which they have used for their deceipt and false facade. The less people believe their deceptions and give them supply to build false reality, the less successful this false reality will be. (Jay Reid also covered topic of taking your energies back to you in the video about forgiveness)
They are successful because the rest of us are codependants lol
Often they are "successful" because of what the society values (which does not reflect so well on the society) - appearance, superficial niceness, following the rules, monetary success - and a lack of depth in relationships.
This is spot on, towards the end of my marriage when I took up art again (my attention no longer always on him) the emotional abuse escalated and became very cruel. I’ve left now but still find myself thinking about it all a lot of the time.
Same here. When I started doing stuff for myself she became very angry, aggressive and contemptuous. Sorry u went thru that but glad you’re out!
Thank you for sharing this is what I am dealing with as we speak it's so painful I wake up everyday stomach in a knot, headache etc good to know others escaped.
Time to heal yourself, and grow in awareness. Good for you though!!!!
@@janiececooper6758 Please get out, for you. They get worse, it's so awful!!!
This is helping so much in coming to grips with the way I was raised.
More often than not, I’d hear, “YOU SELF CENTERED BRAT” shouted at me.
This coming from one of the most self centered people I’ve ever known.
I believe that little kids are just naturally self centered until they get older and learn not to be, because little kids are not expected to be caregivers, but are in need of care, and to expect them not to be self centered seems unrealistic and unreasonable.
Yes, it is very accurate about being called "selfish" by the narcissist when they were the one who were being selfish by time and time inconveniencing other ppl to their random unconvenient requests. When you tell the narc they are being too loud at 3 am or so, the narc will yell out "oh, you are just so selfish!!" when they can't get home but barged into your place to 'bunk' over.
Also, it is very accurate and true experience, when I went to do activities that I like like charities or being out, and then come home being attacked by the group for NOT sitting at home and WAIT for them to decide how they want to spend the day and they called me 'IRRESPONSIBLE' for neglecting familial responsibility when there was nothing to do or any requests.
Yes, I was called selfish by the narc when I escaped from abuse. Really???? They are just nuts.
My narc dad would always accuse me of being cheap. Projection
"In the scapegoated role" in the narcissistic relationship- I've always associated that with the narcissistic parent child relationship but I've suddenly realised I was in a scapegoated role in the relationship with my ex narcissistic partner. I was the scapegoat for what went on in the relationship and our life.
Thank you so much for articulating and highlighting the very specific behaviours in a narcissistic family. I can’t believe how my childhood experiences fit a pattern that I didn’t realize existed until this year. I had no context for or escape from the abuse as a child, but hearing you describe it exactly as it was is so validating.
The most imposible thing for a Narc is to derive pleasure from the pleasure of its victim.
I found your videos the other day, they fit my experience and the stage I am in right now exactly. I was just informing my best friend that I don't have enough energy to give away anymore now that I am healing and starting to create a life for myself. It's difficult to say no, and people are used to coming to me for everything so it's a huge change. It feels so good, and all of these dreams I have held the entire time while coping and healing the mental illness and suicidal tendencies that come with this type of parent-child relationship, all of those dreams were still waiting for me and now coming to fruition.
The secret language of friendly souls is not encrypted but sophisticated
Being with others in ways that add to the sense of self instead of detracting - "Wildly unfamiliar"! Still trying to get there. But sometimes, yes.
Those information you share are really helping me to understand that relationships can be safe. At this point in my recovery it’s crucial for me to be able to differentiate toxic and healthy relating in general and that’s a real turning point. I suddenly gave myself permission to be angry, because I realize more and more, that the problem was the unhealthy relating and not me as a person.
Thank you so much!
4:00 They do stoop to unimaginably cruel tactics. They are desperate to have the victim's attention as it seems to be the only them that makes them feel important.
The best part of your videos is the positive attributes of the survivor. Also, the fact that you don’t use the word victim. Your angle on narcissistic abuse is unique and helps me look at my experience in a way that’s empowering.
Sometimes I want to focus on the narcissist so as to not think about myself & inward and my own recovery, yeah. It’s been a journey healing after being married to a covert narc. and abused for years. I still see my ex-narc husband standing and staring at me wondering why I was smiling and happy when he came to get his possessions, and after his abuse of me. I refused to let him see me sad or hurting ever again.
I really love the fact that you understand the scapegoat role and how tragic it often feels. Thank you for being there for us with your videos! They are often a life ring when we're caught in the undertow of complete confusion regarding what actually happened after narcissistic abuse and being in the scapegoat role. There are so many nuances to the abuse pattern that this video points out a very important one and that's how we lose ourselves because the narcissist insists that we live for and live in their reality. Our attempts to explain ourselves or to appeal our case falls on deaf ears and we don't understand why and that's because our reality never existed according to the narcissist... It took me years and years and years to kind of get this but your video makes it concrete and clear. There are so many details regarding us losing our footing around a narcissist and sometimes I think that you are the only one that can explain it, at least for the scapegoat who has had to fight for their identity and their logic...oftentimes losing the battle. Thank you!!!
Thank you for this video. I find it interesting when you say that "one's own nervous system can be primed in childhood to focus outward," do you know if there is a way to 'unprime' this response to some degree?
Yes! Please discuss this.
Following too! How can you deprogram/decodify that?!?
Practical advice.
Emotional literacy, intent, and taking responsibility.
In my opinion, it may take a rather abrupt change in your life, something like going no contact (my circumstance), or somehow being forced to be alone for a good period of time. It causes an awakening so to speak. It actually caused me to want to help others, when before that was not a priority for me. That's the only reason I'm here, visit me if ya can.
I always thought my discomfort with focusing inward was laziness or a character defect but this really hit home. It’s fear - your insights about the nervous system from NA in childhood are amazing. Thanks
Jay, you have such a depth.and scope of.insight into the devouring nature of narcissist parents. You have a quality.of insight I have.not discovered elsewhere. You convey the utterly relentless.intent to swallow a child whole.
Yes
Jay, you son of a gun, you did it!!! With your help and your book and small doses of shrooms here and there and doing the work, I feel I have shifted focus back to me!!!! Thank you!
Yes. Dr. Reid, was just about to say myself: You are an absolute gift. Thank you for all of your acute understanding, acknowledgement, clarity, encouragement and advice. It means the world to so many of us.
The story about Sarah reminds me of a time when I went to hear a musician friend perform in a concert. The female biological parent sneered, "You don't really like that stuff -- you just want to pretend that you're 'artsy.'" At the time I couldn't figure out how my going to a concert harmed her or took anything away from her. Now I get it. Thanks, Dr. Reid.
This one was a little triggering because my sister uses "mindfulness" to spiritually bypass what actually happened in our family with a narc father.
I hate myself so much. I never learned to love myself.
Have been throughout my life trying to numb the feeling of being "me" with anorexia, bulimia etc. My dad made me feel bad.
I feel that without others, I am worthless.
The threat of being me, or feeling who I am, is equal to experiencing death. I can't describe with words, the terror that's felt, once you need to face death and want to be yourself, just free from that shit.
I'm in my dark knight. I know I am old soul, but got incredibly confused.
I hope I can start feeling again, and face that fear, eventhough deep inside, it feels horrendous.
But apparently that's where love resides. :-( being me was just considered selfish all the way all the time.
I'm learning to appreciate myself more. Trying to prove myself throughout the hundred thousand patterns that I reproduced throughout my life that there are still people that appreciate me, even if I don't put myself in the "servant's" position, to offer them love or appreciation that I do not feel, or beg for their attention, or being nice, just to receive love.
Deceitful. Disgusting. It makes my guts turn around, when I think of it.
I am the same but fawning is a trauma response, I am in therapy with Glynis Sherwood and considering Jay at some point because he details this trauma to degree nobody has & that's important for my recovery, I was directed to read C-PTSD by Pete Walker, I hope by researching these things you can find yourself on the path to healing, it's a rough journey but we'll worth it!!!!!
@Mental Health First Oh I wish I could give you a big hug! Having been through the same myself with a father who once beat my bare-naked butt with a belt and then kicked me down the stairs because I did my homework after school instead of raking all the leaves in our giant yard in Ohio. I was a little girl age 8, a great gifted student but my dad set out to destroy me. I flunked a year of high school while my family sent me many times to the Juvenile Detention Home ! He's a monster who told my brother, sister and I every day "You're gonna grow up to be worthless." Both of them are now NPDs and I'm still the scapegoat.
May I suggest EMDR therapy? It's worked wonders for me. All my life hearing my dad's "inner critic" voice to push myself forward, I worked nonstop, succeeded and finally got a job in Paris but in 2016 was victim of a terrorist attack here in France. My family completely turned their backs on me, no financial assistance, no calling to see how I was doing. Radio silence. So, through France government-funded therapy I discovered EMDR (Feeling I was "worthless" because I was broken and could not work and earn money - the only thing my father has ever cared about) and researched and realized my parents are both NPD. These same parents in Florida constantly begged for attention and tried to guilt me for being so far away during Covid. LOL. Instead, I have used the Covid slowdown for a lot more introspection and therapy and now am really looking forward to getting back out in the world, seeing old friends and meeting new ones but this time around, always setting boundaries so I don't end up over-giving or trying to "earn" anyone's love. You will get there -- recognizing the problem and learning the name for it and knowing you are not alone is half the battle. Truly. Channels like this are lifesaving. Wishing you all the best in your recovery.
@@janiececooper6758 About the Pete Walker book: I bought it but it stirred up so much pain I never got more than a few pages in. Richard Grannon highly recommends it and at some point, when I am feeling safer, I will try again. Best wishes to you ;-)
@@firehorse9996 Thank you, the same to you! 😊
I understand! I watched a video that encouraged people to just be themselves, and my first reaction was that that was a terrible idea! If I just did everything my way, I would be doing it wrong. I am trying to change my thinking. I hooe are able to as well!
This was encouraging and helpful. Thank you. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.
Me neither.
Wow, thank *you* :-) I've been recommending you left right and centre!
I had *thought* I'd swung the focus on to myself but only recently I realised that although I wanted to heal, I was viewing my own healing through a very authoritative judgmental unforgiving lens.
I had a schedule for healing. Be stronger by June! Control emotions by July! Be braver by August! But shortly after getting in to Yoga, I seemed to *get* that I need to slow down and focus on acceptance and self-compassion for a bit. I was listening to Christopher Germer self-compassion meditations and I felt more acceptance of my parents insistence that they have the right to hurt me. I also like what Kirsten Neff has to say about self-acceptance and self-compassion. I was always afraid to be kind to myself in case I fell apart and achieved even less. But I will sit still with myself and trust that I'll get there.
I may have commented already, but just want to express again how helpful this is! Truly liberating to hear the explanations in this video and so very helpful for my healing journey. Thank you!
The story resonates beautifully. I was
tutoring the only minority child in first grade (1969). The mocking, bullying and shaming
was non-stop. I didn't waver. Yay me 😍❤️🥰
Hello
I really appreciate your videos.They are so informative and enlighting. I was raised by a narssistic father that only passed away 3 months ago.I was grown up with all the pain you mentioned but I was blessed with a rebellion soul , I didn't understand a lot of what was happening to me but I always stood up for myself and that is why I was the scapegoat.
I started to take care of myself. I resigned from my job, sold my apartment and moved abroad -to get distance from my abusing work environment and from my abusing mother and father who was accepting all bad she did and said, never ever protecting me. I have an adult daughter who also lived abroad but in another country than me. We’ve been very close and she often visited me in my new city and country. That time, she really wanted me to be happy and was happy for me.
Well. Seemingly there was a revenge behind my back happening. My daughter still was in contact to my parents. Oh, there became a mess: shortly, I needed help. It became evident to me that I was not allowed to need help. I was BAD because I was exhausted, burn out - not strong and could not handle everything. So it hapoened, that soon my daughter started to call me ”a liar”, ”two faced”, ”selfish”. A person, whom I always supported to pursue HER dreams, going abroad, working abroad, travel, have hobbies that SHE loves - said to me these things when I had taken my time to pursue my dreams and goals. My occupation was totally the result if my parent’s manipulation and I HATE my occupation. I wanted to change my occupation.
It was evident to me that those words were not really HERS. My parents pretended to ”care” about me - and behind my back they talked about me as a ”liar”, ”selfish” etc., all those accusiations that my daughter said to me. My parents have made her to becone a flying monkey. She was lost. How? With money. My parents have money so they generously paid her - and I was strugling with money - which was the sign of my badness. My parents could show their superiority just with money. And behind my back they talked like that about me, thise untrue bad things and my daughter delivered their opinions about me to me like that.
No, she did not tell that they said so, but I do not have to be genuine to know what had happened. Pursuing my dreams was an action that had to be punished. I was not there any more in my mom’s hands and under her control, being abused.
This is an awful situation. I could never imagine the level of cruelty that my mother is cabable on and my enabeler father is not any better.
Pursuing YOUR goals, your dreams can be very dangerous. I was not prepared to this level of cruelty, ever. But, now there is no doubt. I lost everything I loved in my life. The relation to my daughter is not the only thing that my parents destroyed from me. The rule is: Let’s destroy everything that /who Sanna loves or take it away… she needs to be punished just because she IS.
Now I’ve been in no-contact with all of them. I must now fix my finances, my dreams and goals are otherwise killed. All mt time and energy goes on surviving. However, I succeeded to find a job where I have very nice workmates, so it is standable ven I still hate my occupation, (waste of my life) and I live in the home that I can call ”home”, a place of peace and calmness. A place where I can BE. The first time in my 57 years of life, I have that: peace!
Now I know better what happened. I remember when I had made my life change and the beginning of it succeeded very well! I moved abroad, so I proved mtself that I was not incapable as my parents let ne think. But I remember the feeling, how I was afraid to feel content and happy. I remember how I taljed to myself: ”I have the right to be here. I have the right to ve happy.” Also, when I started to turn my attention to the works I like, I got almost frozen. I could hardly move, as if I was doing something bad.
I did not know about the symptons of the barcissistic abuse. Now I know that these feelings are pretty normal! There is a reason why I was frozen when I had finally done what I loved.
Well, soon it all was destroyed. As normally. That is a prove to them that THEY were right and I cannot do anything. This is thecway it has worked: I beginn simething that I love to do. Then they cone, in a way or another destroy what I was doing - and then they tell me that I am so bad and incapable in everythibg that I should do only what they want me to do, then everything would be nicely. Andby the way: NOBODY can love you because you are you. Only WE can give mercy to you and stand your beingness and care about everything, because you cannot, it is proved (because they destroyed any trial to do anything own in the beginning already).
they will weary in time and move on to other supply-do not give up.
What a great video, well explained... thank you! It is sickening how they always find the bad in you and not good, and try to control you by undermining any good you have ... awful behavior, especially for children as you say. We learn to focus on ourselves, and get safety psychologically and physically. It reminds me of myself. “One gets to discover other people... without losing connection with oneself.”
Thanks for exposing it and helping others find clarity.
Very important video. Great piece of help again, Jay, thanks! This happens perfectly like that. You end the relationship with the N (it was my father first), and then you feel this worthlessness that was never your own. I was literally walking around making music, going on stage, doing good business, creative work, etc.. WHILE feeling this alien sense of worthless empty stuff. At times I was so so mad at myself.
Sarah is my sister. Recognized her immediately and confirms my father's narcissistic behavior.
Thank you.
I need this right now.
This video resonates with me a lot - I naturally prioritise getting the little life tasks done and as a way to help deal with the ups and downs of abuse recovery. I will make an extra effort now to apply the concept of flow to tackle some bigger tasks and projects on my radar that I have not felt the emotional energy to do. Knowing that doing them can help me in recovery is very reassuring, I'll do them in bite sized bits though and accept that I'll need to rest and recharge when the emotional energy runs out, and that's o.k. Better to make a start than continue to avoid them.
I noticed that by having a puppy helped me to focus on myself and her.
Jay this was one of the most powerful videos I’ve seen and put a name to, validated my experiences in a way that makes me feel lighter and much more at peaceI’m so thankful ❤
This is important to me now, thank you Jay. It is a huge process to accept that one is not responsible to save and to help (real need of help) even members of one´s own family of origin if they abuse one and have no love, no compassion and no respect for one. It gets over bearing to recognize how these family members gang up against one, and abuse one. Never standing up for one but isolating with abuse. It seems very stupid and immature. However, it´s effects are real. I feel there is a primitive need to attack one´s immune system and cause early death.
I'm pretty well toward the end of my scapegoat healing journey now in my 50's. What a ton of work, but I knew I was in there somewhere. I look back at the insanity that I did not create. I think of the words "family" and "mother" and feel very ripped off. Blows me away that my primary care giver did not want me to be an individual, well I got there! I look back a bit, but focus on moving forward as there is no sense to be made of it, just very unwell people. (not me). All the best to all on their healing journey.
That's awesome, good for you!! I'm in the middle of this process now. It takes a very focused effort.
For me right at this moment, this is the BEST of Jay's talks I've ever heard in the 2 years I've been listening to his deep help. I was pleased to see it was listed under Recovery which I'm hoping is the point I'm now working on & so able to embody Jay's gentle teaching more thoroughly. "How do I say I love you? Let me count the ways." Many, many thanks from my heart to yours. Kay
“Break the focus on the NPD!”
Bravo!! That’s the healing mantra
Thank you for an incredibly helpful video! "...and we're continuing to breath through it all" 💙
You are so welcome!
Love your unique insights ❤️ the way you approach this subject is highly original 😊
I'm finding this is the hardest part for me. I don't know how to find myself. I'm having a terrible time right now, I left my narcissistic husband 3 years ago after 35 years of marriage. His words won't leave my mind. Any help I would appreciate.
Christine you got this. Self love, self validation, and self compassion is what helped me. 35 years is a long time, so glad you got out. Winner winner chicken dinner. Time to put yourself first.
No doubt it is an outcome worth working at and realizing. Living a life where I put myself first. Your information is so crucial to my healing, you are a shining light. thank you Jay.
It’s so hard to do when you didn’t in childhood. It feels like a foreign concept on the subconscious level.
It's very true, but we need to keep trying to learn healthy patterns - for us. Don't lose hope.
Thank you once again, Jay, for your amazing insightfulness and apparent empathic nature 💗 i really appreciate this 👌
Thank you for your videos. It is so remarkable to me that when I listen to these I feel you are describing me exactly -- how I was scapegoated. Thanks for your help.
Thank you for putting this experience into words. Having the experience affirmed and validated is as heartbreaking as it is relieving after so much gaslighting invalidation, denial, guilt tripping and shaming. A core question that we all seem to have to choose an answer to is, "How will I respond to the wounds inflicted on my by myself and others? Will I inflict them on someone else or bind them up to heal and offer that healing to someone else as well? Who can I connect with to help me heal what I cannot heal myself?" The answers seem to reveal whether we become a perpetrator or arrestor of abuse or healing.
Jay, thank you so much for your videos!! They have helped me so much in understanding my narc mother; never knew why she didn't seem to love me before...😢 I love the way you give us, understanding what happened, getting distance, and living in defiance/rebellion to the horrible rules our narc parent(s) made!! You express yourself so eloquently, explain things well, and just put so many things into perspective; thanks again!! 😊
This year I'm focused on building up my healthy sense of Self.
I'd love to have you and Jerry Wise do a video together. I think it would be very enlightening.
Im 68 n must tiptoe not to look really good, but enough to shine "good parent" , and also less outbursts when i look inferior to mom, 89. She was a beauty queen of good aclaim , but ill tell you from personal experience, it's a curse. It feels unsafe to shine.
Hello Jay, you really nail the explanation of narcissism in a very clinical academic understood way. I applaude you and your work. It is truely refreshing and helpful! I think it's at times confronting too....which tells me you've got this...kind of alot! LOL!
This describes my father so well…
“Since you are an only child, I don’t care who you marry; you spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with us”.
- my father
13:16 talking it out it can be so hard to grasp and understand how what you say applies in the physical but i just connected it to in my experience... like being able to be calm and curious and neutral towards strangers instead of anxiously lost in wondering about how they perceive you their judgements all these word vomit things you start heaping up in your head about your own inferiority you have internalized from narcissistic damage.... being able to just pass people neutrally unconcerned with their judgements or lack thereof and to just exist in peace. no more focus all poured out on 'other other other'
Jay Reids videos really understand more than others on youtube this intolerable feeling of keeping focused inward instead of outward.
Yes you can definitely get stuck on trying to understand the narcissist and the abuse. So much so you’re lost once again in it. Thank you
Yes, I agree.
Yep I've wasted years
You have no idea how powerful this video is...
Jay Reid says some extremely insightful, very helpful things. The poignancy is serendipitously shocking, and appreciated.
Thank you, Jay! One of the most helpful and brilliant truths I've ever heard on this subject @ 13:27 : "The narcissist worked very hard to relocate a sense of worthlessness into the victim and part of recovery is the expunging the sense of worthlessness which was never one's own." WOW! 🤟
Like being a nervous wreck because if you try to be inside yourself, that person is joykilling, creating chaos, sitting in self pity, slamming things around, etc. I hadn't ever had a full experience of being me until I took Molly at age 25
Thank you for this helpful video. I'm happy to find this today. I don't think I've heard anything like this before and I found it so informative and very helpful. It explained to me what I was doing all along in my family situation. Thank you so much. I love the help I am getting and becoming more aware of myself. Blessings!
Yes...selfish me...that was when I really came to terms with the truth!
Individuals are suffering from the "mother abuse" ive learned from experience you have to distance your self from any narcissist or the abuse continues on for your lifetime. I believe in forgiveness, it helps the healing process. Peace to all on this channel.🎉
Excellent , Thank you, I really appreciate the depth you go into in each topic !
For adult children of narcissists - all this happens automatically. We’ve left ourselves long before we meet the new narcs who abuse us as adults.
Thank you for your helpful videos! They go well with those of Patrick Teahan another you tuber, would be fun to see you in conversation together.
Very insightful thank you, new sub. Reminded of "your gentleness hath made me great o Lord". God bless you and all who hear you 🙏
I’m reminding myself that I have to love myself in Action. I don’t want to bullsh** myself about love like my family of origin did. I want to be true to myself like I’ve always tried to be true and loving to others-even when/after they were awful to me. Sometimes love is hard so I’ve put myself through hard times for the love of others (foolishly~for those who don’t know how to receive or give love) and now I’ve got to do the same hard thing for myself but this time for good reason and true morality… for so long, I avoided actions I wanted to do for me because of the terrible emotions I would feel after I’d try it… it’s amazing how I’ve even done the spurts I’ve done in my life because of the pain involved… growing up and even as adult, family would heap shame/guilt/pain/sabotage in one way or another anything I wanted to do…meddling maniacs! Fake dramas and rage! so, I avoided those things out of care for myself in a way… just trying to survive… the emotional hooks were so deep and painful and these people spared no punches… to think of how LOW each of them have gone and how I’ve never pinched below the belt… standing up for myself would be rapidly reframed into I was hurting THEM! . (avoiding what makes me happy, my life was all subconscious… if I’d known what I was doing and why, and known it was morally wrong as I know now, I could have woken up.) Now, I’ve got to love myself in Action and do things I want to do for myself finally finally finally… and it’s going to be painful yes but that’s what it’s going to take to rewire neuroplasticity/actual physiology slowly and talk to myself in ways to feel good before, during and after… talk myself through whatever comes up… I’ve brought out my instrument and opened it so I can see it… when I play and sing it brings me joy but that abuse causes floods of ambivalent emotions… I’m hoping knowing now that they are morally RIDICULOUS emotions will help… awareness helps so much… already allowing myself to be in touch with my breath and that’s a big deal because I’ve thought about learning breathing techniques for years…Im seeing that breath is like wind over water… our emotions are like water… and we can move through them and transform them with breath… moving fear… feeling wrong or bad doing things when Im doing good and right…
seeing this and moving my boat into better waters
“who do you think you are.” is one of the things he’d frequently say… well Dad, wherever you are now (he’s dead), , I’m a human being who wants to LIVE MY LIFE & HAVE FUN & LOVING RELATIONSHIPS & MEANINGFUL GOALS THAT ALIGN WITH MY INTERESTS & TALENTS & OBJECTIVES! And my goals include helping other people as well! That’s so important to me! that’s one of the silver linings of the hell Ive went through 💙 I’m going to do what you/my entire family didn’t want me to do because ya’ll were jealous (bc they were hierarchical) and crazy and didn’t know how to love,
Starting my music 🎶 in the morning ☀️
Thank you for sharing this deeply insightful and powerful video, Jay. Your wisdom on healing from narcissistic abuse is an invaluable resource🙏
Thank you so much for creating this resource, Jay. When you mentioned the "reflex" of staring into what happened, in an attempt to fix or understand it, I now realise (thanks to this video) that it had become a fixation, and a bottomless pit. This was truly so helpful, thank you as always. Skye.
Another great video! Thanks for the recommendation to EXHALE thru NOSE --- I just tried it and it DOES feel better, more relaxing, connected.
You’re an incredible teacher ! Excellent work !
About 15 years ago an OCPD narcissist got hired on, and then became my manager about 8 years ago during a reorganization. I've applied for other jobs, but I work in a niche field without having finished my degree yet. Shifting my focus to myself while still in the NPD relationship has been my focus this past year. I blocked his number while I'm on vacation, because he will try to contact me about work. Those constant boundary violations act to redirect my attention back onto him. He is 61, so I hope he retires in the next few years, but it has been a nasty ride. I'm in therapy and more than ready to put myself first.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Your example of "Sarah" - this is so validating!!!
Your videos have helped me so much. Thank you for your work 💗
My mother had eyes that drilled me to the core, demanding that all my attention was on her. It honest to god felt like some kind of evil magician who had the power to nail me to her gaze and suck me dry. I got so used to being in this hypnotic trance that it felt like I had no agency unless I was out of her view. Even then, she would follow me around. No boundaries. Accepted no responsibility for any of her behavior. Ever. Even after many years of being away from the abuse, I have to be aware and awake to my tendency to give even inanimate objects in my environment more agency than I have, compulsively attending to "their need" to be cleaned and put away.
I started to journal when I was in my teens. It's almost the only place I ever feel like I can place my complete attention on myself. The page is the one loving, accepting mirror in my life. Both parents broken little children. And, my brother and sister see none of this. The lack of confirmation from my family still leads me to doubt my reality after 40 years.
Still, life is much better than it was when I was younger. Lots of great information, like these videos, help me take baby steps; help me know I'm not alone.
I can’t tell you how helpful this has been to me, thank you Jay with all my heart. ❤️ You explain so eloquently and put the pieces together to light a path through very dangerous terrain.
This ACCURATELY describes it all-THANK YOU! ❤️
I prayed to God for help and led me to these videos and have never heard someone explain this so well! I am so grateful for this content and how very carefully thought out it is being presented. Thanks so much!
Brilliant, thank you 💫
Useful as always! Thank you.
All of this convinces me my mother is truly one no matter how much I've tried denying it in the past. My own feelings and her actions I've finally accepted it. I've got to cut her off despite how little we see each other per year and tbh even as an adult man I'm terrified. I realize I shouldn't feel this way, that terror was instilled in me when I was young.
Finding your channel, a few videos in. Thank you for taking the time to give these sessions online. I'm finding them very helpful. This one put "normalising" words to what I'm experiencing in my recovery.