1. Reduced affection 2. Reduced communication 3. Less time together, less intimacy, 4. Indifference. Do not care about your opinion, no compassion. 5. Mote fighting, threatening to break up 6. Not equal effort. No effort to fix a problem. 7. Lack of commitment. Future faking. 8. False accusations. 9. Critical and judgemental. 10. They blame you even when its their fault. 11. Abuse, neglect, exploitation. Anything that dehumanizes you. 12. If they do not love themselves they don't love you.
It’s crazy that I’ve never met you but watching your videos feels like I can relate to you more than I ever could with my Bpd ex girlfriend. Their depth is puddle deep and their words are as empty as they are
Absolutely. We were living in separate rooms after awhile. Well. They ARE used to that..i found out eventually..Stay Educated AND Dedicated AND break the Trauma Bonding ❤❤..
Oh my God my ex used to say that all the time to me. 15 years together five children and she divorced me. Finalized back in September it's been over a year since she served me papers and kick me out of our house. I found out that she's been cheating on me for years with multiple married men in the worst ways possible and one of them is a pedophile whose son tried to molest my son 10 years ago when they were both kids but a 5-year-old doesn't try to jerk himself off and then get another kid to do that something happened to that kid and I guarantee it was his father. My ex has been obsessed with this guy since before we met as they were friends for years and years she knew him when she was much much younger like a young teenager and he would have been in his late twenties I'm pretty sure that he was her first and I'm pretty sure that he did it when she was much too young as in underage in the bedroom. Meanwhile after I was kicked out she wouldn't bought the BDSM sex toys like nasty stuff ball gags change with strange whips anal plugs beads lube lingerieand would take them in an overnight bag to this guy's house and stay there overnight sometimes with my four children left at home and this guy lives 60 miles round trip from our house. He lives in his mom's basement no car and he works at a trampoline place and his wife died four days before I got my divorce paper and then all the sudden they're dating. Seems pretty fishy to me. She even brought him home to the house when my children were there I have two toddlers and two teens and my 13 year old daughter looks just like his dead wife, and this guy's wife wanted a divorce and she ended up dead while she was having sex with him in the house with my children there so loud that it woke everybody up and my son the one who got molested by this asshole son caught them in bed he was smacking her hitting her and she screaming Daddy and sir kind of stuff to him can you imagine the mindset that went through my son's head and watching the man who has a son who tried to molest him on top of his mother. This happened multiple times one time my son had a sleepover so his friends heard everything too. It gets really fucking bad from here on Thanksgiving this year I haven't seen my 13 year old daughter in 9 months she came over with my ex-wife which surprised me cuz she's only been to my house 2 or 3 times in the whole last year that I've been here and I thought maybe hearts were changing and I noticed and mentioned to both of them how pretty they looked because they were both wearing matching sweaters and matching outfits and their makeup was done pretty much the same. Well not only did my daughter not say even though it was my parenting time she took my daughter made up just like her matching outfits who looks just like his dad ex-wife out to this guy's house and stayed out there till 1:00 in the morning now my daughter falls asleep early like 7 or 8:00 so that means she fell asleep on that guy's couch and him went upstairs to do you know whatmeanwhile this guy's son the one that molested my son or tried to is there probably hovering and touching and looking up my fucking daughter. What kind of a mother would do that would put your daughter in that situation unless something really fucked up is going on. I don't know I do know that she was sending dirty pictures and dirty videos of herself while she was at work to some guy in Alabama that she used to have sex with before we met. I ignored all kinds of red flags like the fact that my 23-year-old girlfriend had 70 bodies, her best friend told me 25 but the look on her face her body language and tone says it was way more than that that also means that she got all those bodies in the Spain of just a few years because like I said she was 23 when I met her I ignored it she got pregnant and I wanted a family. This is tip of the iceberg stuff. So I got divorced without ever being married, we are common law here in Kansas and she took everything from me😅 she's even trying to take my kids away from me. I have very little parenting time and I'm fighting very hard but you guys know how the legal system works she sold everything I own she sold my guns my gold my silver my 1200 grill the gun safe my power washer a bunch of my tools and anything she can get any money out of she threw it in a big dumpster because they had to move out of our six bedroom acre and a half farmhouse and took the deep freezer full of meat and throw it on top of all of my stuff and the July 8th so it was ruined my two toddlers found her box of sex toys and were playing with them one day when I happen to be out of the house before I was no longer allowed out there she is doing the most sick vile shit with this guy she accused me of sexually assaulting her multiple times during our marriage but that's because during all of our fights which got pretty heated there was never any violence on my part I never hit her she used to hit me a bunch but she would come run up to me and say just hit me hit me put it in her face right in mine so I could hit her and then she can call the cops and have a rock solid reason for divorce. When that wouldn't work she made up a sexual assault claim that never was filed can I please report but she use that to tell everybody that I was this horrible monster that treated her so badly. She even sent my two teenagers down and told them that I sexually assaulted her because I wanted to try the back door a little bit and even though she said it was okay I guess it hurt her which I thought it did a timer to but I didn't ever get angry I didn't get mad I was very sorry that I hurt her. She wanted to have me choke her out and hit her and stuff like that like I'm not doing that that's horribleand she even told her friend that she actually liked it when we went around the back she just needed more practice, but I guess that was so bad that she went out and bought sex toys that are for doing things way way worse than what I did with another married man his son tried on the left our son. She is a very good manipulator but at 350 pounds she doesn't cook or clean has horrible body habits a bad attitude and mean stresk and very masculine. Good luck finding anyone with all that plus baby momma of 5....we buried our third child .@@DeMarsCoaching
33 yrs of marriage and it took me most of those years to self teach about narcissistic abuse. Found out I've had 4 in my life, father (deceased),brother (deceased), son and stepdaughter. I can't get away, not enough money for me and my beloved pets. I am 70 yrs old and I stay sick from cortisol poisoning. I'm a retired RN and Paramedic. He still works. He is a covert narcissist. My kids don't understand. He does all the emotional and financial abuse behind closed doors. He uses most of the common phrases to degrade me and the gaslighting is unbearable. I am severely trauma-bonded and I have become someone not me. When he "traps" me into an argument, I have become enraged and fearful and so sick to my stomach, that I have to retreat to a dark place, usually in my bed with cover over head. I struggle to turn my brain off from all the thoughts, just stupid random things. I have seen therapists. I see no way out of his traps. Does this sound familiar to anyone out there in cyberspace?
Yes. I have a covert narc sister. She is getting off on bully supply with me. It’s like a drug to them. It makes them feel powerful. They also get to practice their inherent evil, out on you, that they are not allowed to do in the outer world. The covert and the vulnerable narcissist is one and the same but each chooses to manifest more to one side of the pole. My sister chose to manifest on the covert side. She can tap into the vulnerable side and be her good personality. I think that they are split personalities. They are genetically born with the narcissist/psychopath genes and they develop a personality alongside this inherent disorder. That’s why they look like Dr. Jekyl / Mr. Hyde. They can flip, back and forth with it. That’s why they can have zero narcissism around specific people and not, you, their target. Perhaps you’re trauma bonded because of that. If you looked at them as like a serial killer, like, Ted Bundy and they’re just letting you be their victim, against your will, your choice, you would feel creeped out. If you practiced self love your gut feeling would come back and your self respect would come back. Then you would take yourself out of that toxicity forever. He will always bait you because it’s like a hit of cocaine. Also, his competitiveness will never let you leave, heal or be happy because that would make you win. And he can’t have that. That would also make you superior and him inferior because you have the empathy that he will never have. That’s why they can’t stand for you to be happy because it reminds them of that fact.
Yes it does and I'm sorry Shirley. There is help for you so you cna keep this person out of your life and have better relationships with your children. I can help you and so can many many others.
I know relationships take work but it shouldn't be this much work as it's been with all the BPD exes. I have other aspects of life I have to tend to. You just have to look at what they do because what they say doesn't line up. Their behavior gives you the real answer to their claims of saying they love you.
Someone that tell you that you make them feel good might not love you, but love the idea of you and what you represent for them. It can be physical love, money, stability, affection, because they're not capable to provide that particular thing for themselves. You're their entertainer, only there to provide what they need, what they're lacking, and to distract them.
"You can't stop people from hurting you, but you can learn what to do about the hurt they've caused you." I would say this kind of slander shows they don´t love or understand your situation ,because if others abuse you, there is nothing you can do or learn from ,because they are crazy and simply run from their responsibility but pretend otherwise or they would never pretend this bullshit.
When they only want you when your fun When they don't know how to comfort you And most of all when you bring somthingt up that bothers you on what happened or is happening you tell it in a calm way and they get so angry they want to end the relationship all because you want to talk about somthing they did that hurted you You basically can't ever gave a conversation about not so fun things especially if its about somthing that hurt there image
Absolutely correct. If we don't fight and heal. It never stops. People will always look the other way, and blame us for sticking around and making them this way. Get out and don't look back. Get support to help authorities understand very clearly their violations of the law.
My mother’s (bipolar and borderline) love always feels like a (very, very short) manic episode. It’s like a theatrical act where she is mimicking. I have just accepted that she isn’t capable of loving anyone.
I found out the hard way. They don't said I love you To my. Ex narcissist back in the day while looking in the mirror and he didn't notice I saw his face. He looked like he smelt. Something really bad that really hurt.
Hi David, I agree with a lot of what you say but after a few months or maybe even years.. devotion for people you care about or even love can be erroded aways from being mistreated from them even if it was unconditional but I think their becomes a time were reality has to kick in to just accept things for how they are & then just pour all the love that you have shown to others into ourselves which I know you mention at the end of all your videos when you say to love yourself first guys because it's true, even the most unselfish person in the world has to realise this at some point in their life & when they do i feel it can be the most liberating experience that anyone can ever have, I'm sorry for the long message & thanks for making your videos, I just wanted to wish you all the best for a happy new year & to wish you all the best for whatever it is that your future holds for whatever it is that you want to continue to do 🙆🎇 kind regards 🥂 Peter
What is love anyway? The vast majority of relationships are transactional and based on conditions, if you can't do anything for another person not many people will care about you.
They dont love anyone surly, even when it was the early stages when they gave you time, care attention it wasn't love then it was pretending to keep things going for their own ends ,or until they run out of energy to keep the act up
im a victim of such relation but im also guitlty (im autistic, and subclinical boarderline/narc) but im not personnal disorder..i have traits, but i have honnesty, loyaty, ove, spirituaity..I study psycho for 2 years now;.and now I do a ot of good thiings now..im alone since 2019
They may declare their love but their actions don’t back it up.
And that's exactly what we needed to make it real, real time actions, not empty promises, or projection. 😁
Only when they have had enough, the mask drops, they're gone and so is all the love that they spoke of so fondly.
1. Reduced affection
2. Reduced communication
3. Less time together, less intimacy,
4. Indifference. Do not care about your opinion, no compassion.
5. Mote fighting, threatening to break up
6. Not equal effort. No effort to fix a problem.
7. Lack of commitment. Future faking.
8. False accusations.
9. Critical and judgemental.
10. They blame you even when its their fault.
11. Abuse, neglect, exploitation. Anything that dehumanizes you.
12. If they do not love themselves they don't love you.
Thank you!
@daviddemars. Thank you! Good information 👍
I feel like the only time they show you, they love you is when they sense someone else, someone better, someone healthy, is trying to move in on you.
Fear of losing their prized possession! Hi Stephanie!
Oh my god! So true.
My BPD ex once said in a rage I don’t love you I love the way you make me feel.
Bingo
That's damaging AND destructive..😮
And that is emotional exploitation and its close to love they get.
Thank you sir! You are awesome. Thank you for all that you do. It's so important. Thank you. For real my friend
Thank you so much!
It’s crazy that I’ve never met you but watching your videos feels like I can relate to you more than I ever could with my Bpd ex girlfriend. Their depth is puddle deep and their words are as empty as they are
I agree and thank you. You need deep emotional connection which is so healthy!
@ thank you for all the time you spend helping people recover from abuse
Before reading your comment I would think to myself her depth is only puddle deep.
Absolutely. We were living in separate rooms after awhile. Well. They ARE used to that..i found out eventually..Stay Educated AND Dedicated AND break the Trauma Bonding ❤❤..
“Why do you hate me so much” - Absolute projection.
Yes
I hear it all the time. "You don't love me"
"You don't meet my needs"
You hate me"
Oh my God my ex used to say that all the time to me. 15 years together five children and she divorced me. Finalized back in September it's been over a year since she served me papers and kick me out of our house. I found out that she's been cheating on me for years with multiple married men in the worst ways possible and one of them is a pedophile whose son tried to molest my son 10 years ago when they were both kids but a 5-year-old doesn't try to jerk himself off and then get another kid to do that something happened to that kid and I guarantee it was his father. My ex has been obsessed with this guy since before we met as they were friends for years and years she knew him when she was much much younger like a young teenager and he would have been in his late twenties I'm pretty sure that he was her first and I'm pretty sure that he did it when she was much too young as in underage in the bedroom. Meanwhile after I was kicked out she wouldn't bought the BDSM sex toys like nasty stuff ball gags change with strange whips anal plugs beads lube lingerieand would take them in an overnight bag to this guy's house and stay there overnight sometimes with my four children left at home and this guy lives 60 miles round trip from our house. He lives in his mom's basement no car and he works at a trampoline place and his wife died four days before I got my divorce paper and then all the sudden they're dating. Seems pretty fishy to me. She even brought him home to the house when my children were there I have two toddlers and two teens and my 13 year old daughter looks just like his dead wife, and this guy's wife wanted a divorce and she ended up dead while she was having sex with him in the house with my children there so loud that it woke everybody up and my son the one who got molested by this asshole son caught them in bed he was smacking her hitting her and she screaming Daddy and sir kind of stuff to him can you imagine the mindset that went through my son's head and watching the man who has a son who tried to molest him on top of his mother. This happened multiple times one time my son had a sleepover so his friends heard everything too. It gets really fucking bad from here on Thanksgiving this year I haven't seen my 13 year old daughter in 9 months she came over with my ex-wife which surprised me cuz she's only been to my house 2 or 3 times in the whole last year that I've been here and I thought maybe hearts were changing and I noticed and mentioned to both of them how pretty they looked because they were both wearing matching sweaters and matching outfits and their makeup was done pretty much the same. Well not only did my daughter not say even though it was my parenting time she took my daughter made up just like her matching outfits who looks just like his dad ex-wife out to this guy's house and stayed out there till 1:00 in the morning now my daughter falls asleep early like 7 or 8:00 so that means she fell asleep on that guy's couch and him went upstairs to do you know whatmeanwhile this guy's son the one that molested my son or tried to is there probably hovering and touching and looking up my fucking daughter. What kind of a mother would do that would put your daughter in that situation unless something really fucked up is going on. I don't know I do know that she was sending dirty pictures and dirty videos of herself while she was at work to some guy in Alabama that she used to have sex with before we met. I ignored all kinds of red flags like the fact that my 23-year-old girlfriend had 70 bodies, her best friend told me 25 but the look on her face her body language and tone says it was way more than that that also means that she got all those bodies in the Spain of just a few years because like I said she was 23 when I met her I ignored it she got pregnant and I wanted a family. This is tip of the iceberg stuff. So I got divorced without ever being married, we are common law here in Kansas and she took everything from me😅 she's even trying to take my kids away from me. I have very little parenting time and I'm fighting very hard but you guys know how the legal system works she sold everything I own she sold my guns my gold my silver my 1200 grill the gun safe my power washer a bunch of my tools and anything she can get any money out of she threw it in a big dumpster because they had to move out of our six bedroom acre and a half farmhouse and took the deep freezer full of meat and throw it on top of all of my stuff and the July 8th so it was ruined my two toddlers found her box of sex toys and were playing with them one day when I happen to be out of the house before I was no longer allowed out there she is doing the most sick vile shit with this guy she accused me of sexually assaulting her multiple times during our marriage but that's because during all of our fights which got pretty heated there was never any violence on my part I never hit her she used to hit me a bunch but she would come run up to me and say just hit me hit me put it in her face right in mine so I could hit her and then she can call the cops and have a rock solid reason for divorce. When that wouldn't work she made up a sexual assault claim that never was filed can I please report but she use that to tell everybody that I was this horrible monster that treated her so badly. She even sent my two teenagers down and told them that I sexually assaulted her because I wanted to try the back door a little bit and even though she said it was okay I guess it hurt her which I thought it did a timer to but I didn't ever get angry I didn't get mad I was very sorry that I hurt her. She wanted to have me choke her out and hit her and stuff like that like I'm not doing that that's horribleand she even told her friend that she actually liked it when we went around the back she just needed more practice, but I guess that was so bad that she went out and bought sex toys that are for doing things way way worse than what I did with another married man his son tried on the left our son. She is a very good manipulator but at 350 pounds she doesn't cook or clean has horrible body habits a bad attitude and mean stresk and very masculine. Good luck finding anyone with all that plus baby momma of 5....we buried our third child
.@@DeMarsCoaching
Yes if the do not love themselves they cannot love you. !!!!! Excellent 🎉
Hi Willa!
33 yrs of marriage and it took me most of those years to self teach about narcissistic abuse. Found out I've had 4 in my life, father (deceased),brother (deceased), son and stepdaughter. I can't get away, not enough money for me and my beloved pets. I am 70 yrs old and I stay sick from cortisol poisoning. I'm a retired RN and Paramedic. He still works. He is a covert narcissist. My kids don't understand. He does all the emotional and financial abuse behind closed doors. He uses most of the common phrases to degrade me and the gaslighting is unbearable. I am severely trauma-bonded and I have become someone not me. When he "traps" me into an argument, I have become enraged and fearful and so sick to my stomach, that I have to retreat to a dark place, usually in my bed with cover over head. I struggle to turn my brain off from all the thoughts, just stupid random things. I have seen therapists. I see no way out of his traps. Does this sound familiar to anyone out there in cyberspace?
Yes. I have a covert narc sister. She is getting off on bully supply with me. It’s like a drug to them. It makes them feel powerful. They also get to practice their inherent evil, out on you, that they are not allowed to do in the outer world.
The covert and the vulnerable narcissist is one and the same but each chooses to manifest more to one side of the pole. My sister chose to manifest on the covert side. She can tap into the vulnerable side and be her good personality. I think that they are split personalities. They are genetically born with the narcissist/psychopath genes and they develop a personality alongside this inherent disorder. That’s why they look like Dr. Jekyl / Mr. Hyde. They can flip, back and forth with it. That’s why they can have zero narcissism around specific people and not, you, their target. Perhaps you’re trauma bonded because of that.
If you looked at them as like a serial killer, like, Ted Bundy and they’re just letting you be their victim, against your will, your choice, you would feel creeped out.
If you practiced self love your gut feeling would come back and your self respect would come back. Then you would take yourself out of that toxicity forever.
He will always bait you because it’s like a hit of cocaine. Also, his competitiveness will never let you leave, heal or be happy because that would make you win. And he can’t have that. That would also make you superior and him inferior because you have the empathy that he will never have. That’s why they can’t stand for you to be happy because it reminds them of that fact.
@ shirleyprater6779 hello. I left you a comment. I forgot to tag your name.
@@bonnielee7134 this is spot on and very helpful. It's a mind game first and foremost.
Yes it does and I'm sorry Shirley. There is help for you so you cna keep this person out of your life and have better relationships with your children. I can help you and so can many many others.
I know relationships take work but it shouldn't be this much work as it's been with all the BPD exes. I have other aspects of life I have to tend to. You just have to look at what they do because what they say doesn't line up. Their behavior gives you the real answer to their claims of saying they love you.
You are absolutely correct.
Everything is clear if we look at it with this info, thank you David. I hope you had a Merry Christmas 🎄
Thank you Stacy, I hope your Christmas was good and 2025 is even better!
@@DeMarsCoaching thank you, you also!
Someone that tell you that you make them feel good might not love you, but love the idea of you and what you represent for them.
It can be physical love, money, stability, affection, because they're not capable to provide that particular thing for themselves. You're their entertainer, only there to provide what they need, what they're lacking, and to distract them.
We have to be careful of idealizing people and being idealized, we are all guilty of it.
100% ... from the east coast usa. Need to hear these things, especially as a reminder during the holidays. Thanks for these videos
Thank you!
I think the worst thing is to actually be "loved" by a borderline. Their type of sick love.
12/12 plus so many more. Worst time of my life.
"You can't stop people from hurting you, but you can learn what to do about the hurt they've caused you." I would say this kind of slander shows they don´t love or understand your situation ,because if others abuse you, there is nothing you can do or learn from ,because they are crazy and simply run from their responsibility but pretend otherwise or they would never pretend this bullshit.
When they only want you when your fun
When they don't know how to comfort you
And most of all when you bring somthingt up that bothers you on what happened or is happening you tell it in a calm way and they get so angry they want to end the relationship all because you want to talk about somthing they did that hurted you
You basically can't ever gave a conversation about not so fun things especially if its about somthing that hurt there image
Deep emotional connection is something they have never done, incapable of and not interested in.
I agree!
Absolutely correct. If we don't fight and heal. It never stops. People will always look the other way, and blame us for sticking around and making them this way. Get out and don't look back. Get support to help authorities understand very clearly their violations of the law.
Thanks David!
Thank you Milen!!
my ex best friend was like this- except the relationship part. I feel peaceful without her.
I think the PROBLEM Is that They "Love" THEMSELVES waaaay TOO MUCH, to Love anyone else.
Basically they're DRAINED from loving Themselves too much.
David, another great in-depth video on BPD! It’s as if you were watching my relationship with my BPD x, from a live video feed.
They live out the same script, thabk you!
Always, Always on point!
My ex diagnosed bpd gf had all of those 12 signs ….
All the points are exact what she did
from kansas
you're spot on. and it's a toxic dynamic to be in.
Thank you!
Lol Rob think BPD/NarC will love him 😂 it's over! Run.
My mother’s (bipolar and borderline) love always feels like a (very, very short) manic episode. It’s like a theatrical act where she is mimicking. I have just accepted that she isn’t capable of loving anyone.
I'm so sorry she didn't love you as a child.
All talk, no action.
I found out the hard way. They don't said I love you To my.
Ex narcissist back in the day while looking in the mirror and he didn't notice I saw his face. He looked like he smelt. Something really bad that really hurt.
Hi David, I agree with a lot of what you say but after a few months or maybe even years.. devotion for people you care about or even love can be erroded aways from being mistreated from them even if it was unconditional but I think their becomes a time were reality has to kick in to just accept things for how they are & then just pour all the love that you have shown to others into ourselves which I know you mention at the end of all your videos when you say to love yourself first guys because it's true, even the most unselfish person in the world has to realise this at some point in their life & when they do i feel it can be the most liberating experience that anyone can ever have, I'm sorry for the long message & thanks for making your videos, I just wanted to wish you all the best for a happy new year & to wish you all the best for whatever it is that your future holds for whatever it is that you want to continue to do 🙆🎇 kind regards 🥂 Peter
Twelve was enough. She scored 💯. I dont need to figure out more signs. I have my eyes open. 😊
BINGO! Ah... I mean I've checked most boxes for my bpd ex... Question is, can they actually love? Don't they see obsession as love?
They attach, they bond, they obsess but loving others is reserved for those who love themselves.
What is love anyway? The vast majority of relationships are transactional and based on conditions, if you can't do anything for another person not many people will care about you.
They dont love anyone surly, even when it was the early stages when they gave you time, care attention it wasn't love then it was pretending to keep things going for their own ends ,or until they run out of energy to keep the act up
i got all the 12 ahaha bingo!!ahahaha
Be mindful of the gas lighting and manipulation, classic predatorial actions.
im a victim of such relation but im also guitlty (im autistic, and subclinical boarderline/narc) but im not personnal disorder..i have traits, but i have honnesty, loyaty, ove, spirituaity..I study psycho for 2 years now;.and now I do a ot of good thiings now..im alone since 2019
🤗❤️👍
/
I love my mum but never a girlfriend it's only lust.