Brené Brown wrote some books in which she talks about shame as well. She makes the distinction like this: -Guilt: I did something wrong and I know that. (I want to not do that again/ make it better) -Shame: I did something wrong and therefor I AM wrong. Which directly attacks our self worth. She also sais that talking about your shame makes it lose it's power on you. So it's a good idea to find people you can trust and talk about your shame. It will help you heal.
Alexa needs her own channel she’s so intelligent and sweet!! I love hearing from her. I’m a nerd so I could do this all day. She should consider teaching! Thanks for inviting her again Kati!! Sending love!
A good way to deal with shame or feelings of inadequacy, is to realise that our feelings never reveal the truth about who we are or our inherent self worth, however, they exist to give us vital information about our environment and how to get our needs met.
I just noticed that when I babysit and something happens that isn't really their fault I tend to explain that I'm not angry because they did anything and that they don't need to feel bad. And I mostly do it because I feel like they need to understand why I'm angry or why I yelled. My parents never explained it that way and I'm always filled with shame and don't want that for the kids I sit for or for my kids when I have them. I'm happy to know that was good to do
i've had a lot of trouble dealing with shame and in therapy have been doing inner child work, but only periodically because it can be pretty overwhelming. it's interesting to hear it broken down in to two kinds and expanded on. thank you so much for this video.
Tks so much, it’s hard to process on my own but now I have some tools to help me break the shame cycle . Mine came from earlier childhood traumas over many years.
Guilt vs Shame was explained to me like this: Guilt is feeling bad about something you did, shame is feeling bad about who you are. Thank you for expanding on this! :)
What I love about Katie most is that in her profession she's still able to manage to be herself. She's authentic and honest. I love how she admits that she also didn't know the difference between guilt and shame and actually she's learning w us now. Super natural and especially approachable.
Excellent video and intriguing guest Kati. Speaking only for myself and my experience, organized religion has toxified these 2 emotions, understands their power and manipulates that power more effectively than any other institution.
I’m just starting on this journey, and it is very moving to me. My mom always had these narratives. But they just kept recurring and the narrative never was changed. It’s making so much sense to me.
it's amazing how much i learned about psychology just by getting used to the chakra system, meaning the physiology of our emotions (and the associated nervous system)
I cried so much during this video. Thank you, Kati. Your videos are being really helpful to me during a difficult time, hopefully in time I will fully heal and understand that I'm worthy. Yay!! I hug you from Argentina.
your and Alexa are the best. This is a great addition to the trauma series. very informational and deep subject. Need so much more. Thank you Kati & Alexa
It was explained to me in DBT, that guilt is "I did something wrong" and that shame is "I am a bad person." It would be good to hear about how a person can experience toxic shame about something that wasn't actually their fault like a childhood trauma or event. Like I really have a hard time understanding how an individual could feel so bad about something that wasn't actually their fault and how that can lead to self destructive behaviors.
Yes!! Thanks for sharing :) As for your question about trauma and shame.. it is usually seen as their fault (to them) and internalized that they did something wrong or they asked for it.. etc. There can be many reasons that someone who has been abused or traumatized feels shame... I hope that helps explain that a bit. xoxo
The two of you have really found your rhythm, here! This is so much more relaxed and flowing, compared to the earlier videos. Thank you, so much, for what you are doing! Trauma is such a specialized subject and the two of you handle it so well. What you are doing is needed in the world we are living in, today! I hope there are many more videos to come. =)
This is something me and my counselor are working on. The shame from my trauma is unhealthy, but the guilt from drinking so much is an action I need to work on. Thanks for the video.
Really struggling with this right now. My mom had a stroke and I feel pressured to take care of her. Past history doesn’t make that easy. But internal shame and external guilt is worse. I have been told I need to put my ego aside. What makes things unbearable is she only wants the man who she brought into our lives who abused me and now past away. She’s distraught over it. She wants nothing to do with me. But yet everyone wants me to be there for her. I need to understand her. And honestly I’m exhausted trying to understand her. Even though the shame doesn’t sit well. *working in therapy on this. Just sharing experience related to video topic.
Yes, yes, yes! Thank you so much for talking shame! Especially loved the physiology! I'd love for you both to come do a Rising Strong workshop with me!
That was beyond helpful!! In unto only understanding myself but now how to explain more in depth of some things I feel. I described it as guilt but I'm ashamed... About a lot. And I've been stuck in this narrative so long now I feel ppl are just agreeing to disagree almost telling me what I want to hear instead of explaining to me why I'm wrong or how I shouldn't internalize it. So I'm stuck still not understanding and so I feel like I can't live with some things ( I didn't wanna use move on bc u just learn to live with it ) so any topic makes me feel so much negativity I shut down and don't want to go there
Thank you for sharing your experience.. I hope Alexa's idea to start by journaling about what happened and the initial trigger for the shame (if we can remember), and then working with our therapist to create a new and more loving narrative.. so we can tell ourselves that one over and over instead :) xoxo
I've carried a deep shame of who I am, since I was a small child. I always felt left unlovable, dirty, bad and wrong. I'm working on it and I know that I am not those things, but I still feel that way. Logic can't override emotion.
For me, feeling guilty is the opposite of taking responsibility. Feeling guilty is very passive where as taking responsibility puts yourself in an active mode where you're not the victim but able to take action.
Holy Cow! This was just I needed this morning. Thank You for making this. Previously, I did not know the difference between guilt, shame, and toxic shame. You're videos have helped me identify and process a lot I did not know how express. Thank you so much.
Yay! Alexa is back! Thanks for this video. I am working through a lot of toxic shame right now. It feels like it's eating me from the inside. I think eventually, things will get better. I started EMDR recently, so that could possibly be helpful.
They will get better!! From what Alexa shared, it sounds like we have to journal about our experience, and where the shame comes from.. and then work with our therapist to rewrite it in a more positive/loving way :) xoxo
AWWWWWW Katie!!! HOW WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!!! What a beautiful surprise! I was just asking for a new interesting & helpful video with both of you I think under your last video. And now here you go. Thank you so very much to you both. Makes me really happy. I love you guys together. You're a really great match!
Thank you so much for the video Kati, this was very helpful! Learning about toxic shame has been a real eye-opener for me and allowed me to understand my feelings and better accept myself. Looking forward to the follow-up video :)
Can you feel guilty when you didn't do something wrong? How we decide we deserve to feel guilty or not. I feel guilty a lot. While other people tell me it's not my fault but I still feel guilty.
Please translate this video into spanish language. Thanks for your wonderful and helpful work. I live in south america and here there are not trauma psychologists so we have to "keep" our traumas for us for the rest of our lives...basically. So these videos help me a lot and are better when have spanish subtitles
@katimorton I found this really interesting but it also confused me more on the difference between guilt and shame. Please do more videos breaking this topic down more?
Any thoughts about how to handle PTSD dreams(reenactments) when you also experience sleep paralysis with it? Is there even a link between the two? The aftermath and panic attack that comes with this is debilitating.
Oops, unexplained outbursts of yelling and then going on as if nothing happened is totally how my parents functioned. Unaddressed negativity that can lead to the discussed toxic shame, as well as gaslighting symptoms of wondering whether or not all that even happened in the first place, thus leading us to question our very ability to process reality! Thanks mom and dad.
"Guilt doesn't solve anything, really", "It hurts you ... I guess I am in the enviable position of not having to deal with guilt I think i am one, a true psychopath, without any remorse or empathy at all
Interesting topic and great video, Kati! Any ideas on how someone can often experience shame and overall be a very shy person (to the degree of having an AvPD diagnosis), without thinking, not consciously at least, that they are worthless??
please make a video about apologizing. i don't care about anything and storm out on people that are usualy very hurt by it. i never know what to do other then say i'm horrible and end up making them confort me. i'm this mess making everything worse for them in many levels. please.
Hey Kati, I went through a really tough situation and never got closer from it. I am working with my therapist on lots of things right now on how to deal with this because this situation happened because I have an emotionally absent mother and I had that relationship with someone else and it didn't work out and now I have no way of contacting this person. I did get in trouble for approaching this person to apologize and she thought I was threatening her. I feel so much toxic shame for this because I wander what I cold have done differently to make the situation turn out any better. My therapist did contact her to set up a meeting with both of us to get some closer, but she said she was uncomfortable and now this person is always around me trying to act like everything is ok when it isn't. Overtime I see her I have an emotional breakdown and can't function. I feel so bad about who I am thinking I am not good enough or I'm a screw up because I got in so much trouble for trying to fix the situation in the only way I thought possible. This was a very traumatic event for me and I am currently going through EMDR to help. Is there any ways I could stop this toxic shame before it further takes over my life? Thanks!
Hey Emma :) Just like Alexa said.. we can start with journaling out the story about what happened.. and working with your therapist to change the perception from "I am bad" to "something happened that was bad, and I am hurt" It takes time, but by first writing it out and talking it out, it should slowly get better :) Also putting up reminders that you are worthy, good, and important :) xxo
hi kati, I have a bipolar 2 diagnosis and have a lot of trouble differentiating happiness from hypomania, and there is a heck of a lot of fear that goes along with that because i don't know if it will lead to a depressive phase (which i usually get right after hypomania). So my question is how are ways to deal with the fear of happiness that results from that?
If you started crying it’s worth going to a therapist about . It helps me so much . You won’t regret it and don’t give up until you find the therapist you feel safe with
i feel like my little brother might have toxic shame. whenever someone tells him to stop doing something or he gets in trouble he’ll start crying or saying “i’m just the worst kid in the universe” and things like that. i don’t want him to grow up thinking those things, how do i help him? he’s 5 by the way.
Wow, I never thought shame is what I've been feeling for so long. My mother always lost her temper with me and after a heated conversation or something, she'd storm off and we'd never address what just happened. We once got into a fist fight and the next morning she was acting like nothing had happened, while she put make up on a bruise.
I'm just wondering... If the shame is staring out as guilt and you can fix the bad that has been done and the situation keeps repeting and it turns into this shame and it affects how you view yourself. Is that toxic shame?
I used to feel guilty less often but since turning to Christ and church groups I have started to feel guilty more often. When driving away from Jesus I feel more confident but when returning to church, the guilt comes back. At church we bring it up sometimes and our group agreed that part of faith is to celebrate our guilt, because it keeps us clean and beneath Him. Encouraging guilt is be part of our Christian culture that we inherited. I would not be ashamed of guilt as it is part of being a good Christian, and those that are not guilty might not be forgiven and thus might not reach heaven. I myself often have guilty feelings of not enough faith in God but I use this guilt to ask for forgiveness so I can be saved. I don’t think we should try to overcome our guilt but recognise it as part of being a Christian, even if it is difficult to live with. Even if we feel worse with this guilt, it I better to have it and know that we are true Christians. It brings us down, but it brings us together. Together, and down. Amen.
What if you did something you know is bad, you knew was bad at the time, and now are suffering from both guilt and shame with no way of fixing the thing you did wrong? How do you let go, move on, forgive yourself and learn to be a better and stronger person when every part of you is saying that you're a horrible person and probably rightfully so.
Hi Kati,may i ask you a question?i have been diagnosed as Major Deppresive Disorder with Psychosis in March this year(i'm 17 years old)and i have a problem with my mom.After three times appoinment,my mom stopped me from going to psychiatric/therapist and my depression and psychosis became 'strong' after i dont have medication pill/something like that.The question is how to make my mom take me to psychiatric/therapist?what i have to say?what i have to do? I didn't bath about 4 days(yea,i'm stink and itchy),my mom think that i'm lazy,i scared to sleep at night because someone gonna kill me(he's waiting outside bedroom and gone when the sun rise),i always have de javu and crying when wake up from sleep.I tried to endure/cope it with watching comedy or something funny but it doesn't help me and i feel stupid.I hope you can help me..
Really interesting topic (Brené Brown anyone?) and it's so super important to bring this up. I just had a thought about the term "healthy shame" which I feel, in relation to the definitions in the beginning of the video, feels kinda paradoxical. I don't know if I'm misunderstanding it, but the examples she uses to explain the terms "healthy" and "toxic" is with shaming behavior, not so much the way the person being shamed experiences it. In the example she uses with her son running towards the road, I don't agree that it's "healthy shame" the son experiences, but guilt. She makes her son understand he DID something bad (guilt), not that HE is bad (shame). Or does she mean that you can use shaming behavior to induce a feeling of either shame or guilt in another person? Or is the term "healthy shame" just another way to explain "guilt"? I'm all over the place here, but I'm just really interested in this topic.
Brené Brown wrote some books in which she talks about shame as well. She makes the distinction like this:
-Guilt: I did something wrong and I know that. (I want to not do that again/ make it better)
-Shame: I did something wrong and therefor I AM wrong. Which directly attacks our self worth.
She also sais that talking about your shame makes it lose it's power on you. So it's a good idea to find people you can trust and talk about your shame. It will help you heal.
Thank you so much for sharing this!! Brene Brown is the absolute best!! xoxo
Mimou I'm reading one of her books right now. Really helpful.
Yes her books are great. From time to time I reread her books, because they help me a lot as well.
John Bradshaw could also be very helpful, he explaines the case with toxic shame very well
Alexa needs her own channel she’s so intelligent and sweet!! I love hearing from her. I’m a nerd so I could do this all day. She should consider teaching! Thanks for inviting her again Kati!! Sending love!
A good way to deal with shame or feelings of inadequacy, is to realise that our feelings never reveal the truth about who we are or our inherent self worth, however, they exist to give us vital information about our environment and how to get our needs met.
Good point.
I just noticed that when I babysit and something happens that isn't really their fault I tend to explain that I'm not angry because they did anything and that they don't need to feel bad. And I mostly do it because I feel like they need to understand why I'm angry or why I yelled. My parents never explained it that way and I'm always filled with shame and don't want that for the kids I sit for or for my kids when I have them. I'm happy to know that was good to do
Alexa's "video voice" is getting much better! :) I always find these topics helpful, especially trauma-related. Thanks!
Yay! I will let her know :) I know she was working on it!! xoxo
I’m so excited about this topic. I was wondering can you do another video in depth about how to process and deal with those motions?
Yes!! We will talk about it more in our next video together :) xoxo
i've had a lot of trouble dealing with shame and in therapy have been doing inner child work, but only periodically because it can be pretty overwhelming. it's interesting to hear it broken down in to two kinds and expanded on. thank you so much for this video.
So happy to see Alexa again! Your earlier videos with her have been SO helpful for me ♥
This is like the difference in shame v guilt that Brene Brown talks about!
exactly!! Brene Brown is the best!! xox
Tks so much, it’s hard to process on my own but now I have some tools to help me break the shame cycle . Mine came from earlier childhood traumas over many years.
Guilt vs Shame was explained to me like this: Guilt is feeling bad about something you did, shame is feeling bad about who you are.
Thank you for expanding on this! :)
I needed this video so bad rn. Going through therapy for childhood emotional abuse, and this is a big thing I struggle with!
What I love about Katie most is that in her profession she's still able to manage to be herself. She's authentic and honest. I love how she admits that she also didn't know the difference between guilt and shame and actually she's learning w us now. Super natural and especially approachable.
Wow! You actually help your son understand his own feeling! Wish I had some of that as a kid!
Gosh, it's amazing how at times you Katie and Dr. Alexa has said exactly how I feel .
OH MY GOD TOXIC SHAME! That's what keeps happening with my mum and I
it makes me cry when i see you understanding all i feel and its real
Excellent video and intriguing guest Kati.
Speaking only for myself and my experience, organized religion has toxified these 2 emotions, understands their power and manipulates that power more effectively than any other institution.
I ❤️ Alexa, glad that you got back with her todo more videos Kati!!!!!
I’m just starting on this journey, and it is very moving to me. My mom always had these narratives. But they just kept recurring and the narrative never was changed. It’s making so much sense to me.
it's amazing how much i learned about psychology just by getting used to the chakra system, meaning the physiology of our emotions (and the associated nervous system)
Another great collaboration with Alexa thanks Kati
Yay! Glad you liked it! xox
I cried so much during this video. Thank you, Kati. Your videos are being really helpful to me during a difficult time, hopefully in time I will fully heal and understand that I'm worthy. Yay!! I hug you from Argentina.
your and Alexa are the best. This is a great addition to the trauma series. very informational and deep subject. Need so much more. Thank you Kati & Alexa
It would be great if you did a video on jealousy and envy like this! Thanks for your great videos.
Great idea!! I will look into it!! xoxo
It was explained to me in DBT, that guilt is "I did something wrong" and that shame is "I am a bad person." It would be good to hear about how a person can experience toxic shame about something that wasn't actually their fault like a childhood trauma or event. Like I really have a hard time understanding how an individual could feel so bad about something that wasn't actually their fault and how that can lead to self destructive behaviors.
Yes!! Thanks for sharing :) As for your question about trauma and shame.. it is usually seen as their fault (to them) and internalized that they did something wrong or they asked for it.. etc. There can be many reasons that someone who has been abused or traumatized feels shame... I hope that helps explain that a bit. xoxo
I loved the journal prompt idea. So perfect. I'm glad she is coming back. Great topic.
This is something I really need to work on. Thank you for sharing this video, and I'm looking forward the next one you mentioned.
Very interesting video thnx
So glad you liked it :) xox
Thanks, Kati! I think I’ll use this in our Mental Health support group tonight. Always makes for a good discussion topic.
Beautiful explanation. Clear and thoughtful. It will help many people! Thank you Kati and Alexa!
The two of you have really found your rhythm, here! This is so much more relaxed and flowing, compared to the earlier videos. Thank you, so much, for what you are doing! Trauma is such a specialized subject and the two of you handle it so well. What you are doing is needed in the world we are living in, today! I hope there are many more videos to come. =)
While I’m fortunate enough to not have any form of trauma... THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH. THANK YOU!!!
This is something me and my counselor are working on. The shame from my trauma is unhealthy, but the guilt from drinking so much is an action I need to work on. Thanks for the video.
I am so glad you found it helpful!! I am glad you are working with your therapist on that too :) xoxo
Thank you for sharing this, I am going through Trauma theory at the moment and this was super useful and come at the right time!
Really struggling with this right now. My mom had a stroke and I feel pressured to take care of her. Past history doesn’t make that easy. But internal shame and external guilt is worse. I have been told I need to put my ego aside. What makes things unbearable is she only wants the man who she brought into our lives who abused me and now past away. She’s distraught over it. She wants nothing to do with me. But yet everyone wants me to be there for her. I need to understand her. And honestly I’m exhausted trying to understand her. Even though the shame doesn’t sit well.
*working in therapy on this. Just sharing experience related to video topic.
Mendez S hugs hugs hugs
This video literally just changed my life.
Yes, yes, yes! Thank you so much for talking shame! Especially loved the physiology! I'd love for you both to come do a Rising Strong workshop with me!
This made me think of the work Brené Brown does. Great collaboration and very informative.
Can’t wait for the next one!
Thanks for this Kati and Alexa! Shame has been a big part of my ED journey and this was super helpful!
Yay! I am so glad you found this helpful!! xoxo
I’ve come back to watch this video so many times
thank you!
That was beyond helpful!! In unto only understanding myself but now how to explain more in depth of some things I feel. I described it as guilt but I'm ashamed... About a lot. And I've been stuck in this narrative so long now I feel ppl are just agreeing to disagree almost telling me what I want to hear instead of explaining to me why I'm wrong or how I shouldn't internalize it. So I'm stuck still not understanding and so I feel like I can't live with some things ( I didn't wanna use move on bc u just learn to live with it ) so any topic makes me feel so much negativity I shut down and don't want to go there
Thank you for sharing your experience.. I hope Alexa's idea to start by journaling about what happened and the initial trigger for the shame (if we can remember), and then working with our therapist to create a new and more loving narrative.. so we can tell ourselves that one over and over instead :) xoxo
Love this video. So glad you had Dr. Alexa back on! Very helpful video.
I loved this video. Another good resource from a researcher is Brenè Brown.
I've carried a deep shame of who I am, since I was a small child. I always felt left unlovable, dirty, bad and wrong. I'm working on it and I know that I am not those things, but I still feel that way. Logic can't override emotion.
This is such a classic video!
For me, feeling guilty is the opposite of taking responsibility. Feeling guilty is very passive where as taking responsibility puts yourself in an active mode where you're not the victim but able to take action.
Great video! Thank you so much for discussing this topic. It's definitely something I struggle to differentiate at times. This was so so helpful!!
Holy Cow! This was just I needed this morning. Thank You for making this. Previously, I did not know the difference between guilt, shame, and toxic shame. You're videos have helped me identify and process a lot I did not know how express. Thank you so much.
You are so welcome :) xoxo
Yay! Alexa is back! Thanks for this video. I am working through a lot of toxic shame right now. It feels like it's eating me from the inside. I think eventually, things will get better. I started EMDR recently, so that could possibly be helpful.
They will get better!! From what Alexa shared, it sounds like we have to journal about our experience, and where the shame comes from.. and then work with our therapist to rewrite it in a more positive/loving way :) xoxo
AWWWWWW Katie!!! HOW WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!!! What a beautiful surprise! I was just asking for a new interesting & helpful video with both of you I think under your last video. And now here you go. Thank you so very much to you both. Makes me really happy. I love you guys together. You're a really great match!
Great video, ladies! Very interesting!! 💖🙏💕
Such a helpful video. Can't wait for the next video to explore how to work through this.
Thank you so much for the video Kati, this was very helpful! Learning about toxic shame has been a real eye-opener for me and allowed me to understand my feelings and better accept myself. Looking forward to the follow-up video :)
Can you please do more videos on shame and what can create shame and how shame can be carried with you and effect mental health?
Can you feel guilty when you didn't do something wrong? How we decide we deserve to feel guilty or not. I feel guilty a lot. While other people tell me it's not my fault but I still feel guilty.
I really relate..
Please translate this video into spanish language. Thanks for your wonderful and helpful work. I live in south america and here there are not trauma psychologists so we have to "keep" our traumas for us for the rest of our lives...basically. So these videos help me a lot and are better when have spanish subtitles
I love u Kati your videos help me everyday not to give up. Great video as always x
My therapist told me I have this problem with toxic shame :// thanks for this video Kati!
Thank you so much!
@katimorton I found this really interesting but it also confused me more on the difference between guilt and shame. Please do more videos breaking this topic down more?
Really great video, so helpful to understand the background behind why I feel this way, Thank you so much Kati and Alexa. x
You are very welcome :) I am glad you found it helpful!! xoox
I’ve always thought of shame as a form embarrassment and guilt as remorse.
well this explains a lot of why i have 0 self esteem, this was quite helpful, thank you
so informative!
Any thoughts about how to handle PTSD dreams(reenactments) when you also experience sleep paralysis with it? Is there even a link between the two? The aftermath and panic attack that comes with this is debilitating.
Oops, unexplained outbursts of yelling and then going on as if nothing happened is totally how my parents functioned. Unaddressed negativity that can lead to the discussed toxic shame, as well as gaslighting symptoms of wondering whether or not all that even happened in the first place, thus leading us to question our very ability to process reality! Thanks mom and dad.
I am getting it........thanks
Wow this makes a lot of sense now to me.... Thank you for the video!!!! And thank you for all the help with all your videos.... Xoxoxoxoxo
Super helpful thanks Kati!
This was great! Thank you!
Thnx so much for this video!
The word SHAME will always trigger a memory of Game of Thrones.. lol
"Guilt doesn't solve anything, really", "It hurts you ... I guess I am in the enviable position of not having to deal with guilt I think i am one, a true psychopath, without any remorse or empathy at all
Hey Katie, I was wondering isn't was possible for you to do a video on self harm scars/cuts hiding them "showing" them. Etc?
Interesting topic and great video, Kati! Any ideas on how someone can often experience shame and overall be a very shy person (to the degree of having an AvPD diagnosis), without thinking, not consciously at least, that they are worthless??
This helped so much. Thnks!!
Thank you
Probably I suffer from shame when I feel like I am not part of the human race and everyone is my enemy.
That was really helpful
please make a video about apologizing. i don't care about anything and storm out on people that are usualy very hurt by it. i never know what to do other then say i'm horrible and end up making them confort me. i'm this mess making everything worse for them in many levels. please.
I remember my clinical supervisor saying "Guilt is saying "I have a problem" and Shame is saying "I am the problem."
Hey Kati, I went through a really tough situation and never got closer from it. I am working with my therapist on lots of things right now on how to deal with this because this situation happened because I have an emotionally absent mother and I had that relationship with someone else and it didn't work out and now I have no way of contacting this person. I did get in trouble for approaching this person to apologize and she thought I was threatening her. I feel so much toxic shame for this because I wander what I cold have done differently to make the situation turn out any better. My therapist did contact her to set up a meeting with both of us to get some closer, but she said she was uncomfortable and now this person is always around me trying to act like everything is ok when it isn't. Overtime I see her I have an emotional breakdown and can't function. I feel so bad about who I am thinking I am not good enough or I'm a screw up because I got in so much trouble for trying to fix the situation in the only way I thought possible. This was a very traumatic event for me and I am currently going through EMDR to help. Is there any ways I could stop this toxic shame before it further takes over my life? Thanks!
Hey Emma :) Just like Alexa said.. we can start with journaling out the story about what happened.. and working with your therapist to change the perception from "I am bad" to "something happened that was bad, and I am hurt" It takes time, but by first writing it out and talking it out, it should slowly get better :) Also putting up reminders that you are worthy, good, and important :) xxo
hi kati, I have a bipolar 2 diagnosis and have a lot of trouble differentiating happiness from hypomania, and there is a heck of a lot of fear that goes along with that because i don't know if it will lead to a depressive phase (which i usually get right after hypomania). So my question is how are ways to deal with the fear of happiness that results from that?
Fasinating!
I suddently started crying while wathching this video, but i'm scared to go meet a therapist, what if this is nothing and what if it is something?
a big fan go. :* hugs hugs hugs.
If you started crying it’s worth going to a therapist about . It helps me so much . You won’t regret it and don’t give up until you find the therapist you feel safe with
Ulchari At it’s okay we all go through guilt/shame
I look at guilt VS shame as guilt being i DID something wrong, and shame being I AM wrong.
Thanks very interesting xx
I have both
i feel like my little brother might have toxic shame. whenever someone tells him to stop doing something or he gets in trouble he’ll start crying or saying “i’m just the worst kid in the universe” and things like that. i don’t want him to grow up thinking those things, how do i help him? he’s 5 by the way.
My favorite guest! Xo
Wow, I never thought shame is what I've been feeling for so long. My mother always lost her temper with me and after a heated conversation or something, she'd storm off and we'd never address what just happened. We once got into a fist fight and the next morning she was acting like nothing had happened, while she put make up on a bruise.
I'm just wondering... If the shame is staring out as guilt and you can fix the bad that has been done and the situation keeps repeting and it turns into this shame and it affects how you view yourself. Is that toxic shame?
I used to feel guilty less often but since turning to Christ and church groups I have started to feel guilty more often. When driving away from Jesus I feel more confident but when returning to church, the guilt comes back. At church we bring it up sometimes and our group agreed that part of faith is to celebrate our guilt, because it keeps us clean and beneath Him. Encouraging guilt is be part of our Christian culture that we inherited. I would not be ashamed of guilt as it is part of being a good Christian, and those that are not guilty might not be forgiven and thus might not reach heaven. I myself often have guilty feelings of not enough faith in God but I use this guilt to ask for forgiveness so I can be saved. I don’t think we should try to overcome our guilt but recognise it as part of being a Christian, even if it is difficult to live with. Even if we feel worse with this guilt, it I better to have it and know that we are true Christians. It brings us down, but it brings us together. Together, and down. Amen.
Human Psychology needs a revamp
What if you did something you know is bad, you knew was bad at the time, and now are suffering from both guilt and shame with no way of fixing the thing you did wrong? How do you let go, move on, forgive yourself and learn to be a better and stronger person when every part of you is saying that you're a horrible person and probably rightfully so.
Massive deep breath and then, Charlie - Woman From Space Returns (Cover by Kitland).
Hi Kati,may i ask you a question?i have been diagnosed as Major Deppresive Disorder with Psychosis in March this year(i'm 17 years old)and i have a problem with my mom.After three times appoinment,my mom stopped me from going to psychiatric/therapist and my depression and psychosis became 'strong' after i dont have medication pill/something like that.The question is how to make my mom take me to psychiatric/therapist?what i have to say?what i have to do?
I didn't bath about 4 days(yea,i'm stink and itchy),my mom think that i'm lazy,i scared to sleep at night because someone gonna kill me(he's waiting outside bedroom and gone when the sun rise),i always have de javu and crying when wake up from sleep.I tried to endure/cope it with watching comedy or something funny but it doesn't help me and i feel stupid.I hope you can help me..
Welcome back Alexa :)
Really interesting topic (Brené Brown anyone?) and it's so super important to bring this up. I just had a thought about the term "healthy shame" which I feel, in relation to the definitions in the beginning of the video, feels kinda paradoxical. I don't know if I'm misunderstanding it, but the examples she uses to explain the terms "healthy" and "toxic" is with shaming behavior, not so much the way the person being shamed experiences it.
In the example she uses with her son running towards the road, I don't agree that it's "healthy shame" the son experiences, but guilt. She makes her son understand he DID something bad (guilt), not that HE is bad (shame).
Or does she mean that you can use shaming behavior to induce a feeling of either shame or guilt in another person? Or is the term "healthy shame" just another way to explain "guilt"? I'm all over the place here, but I'm just really interested in this topic.
Yes, Brene Brown!!!